March 5, 2024 • 44 mins
This week we are discussing the ups and downs of living alone in your 20s: from the freedom and independence, to the loneliness and social isolation, financial anxiety and stress, but the authenticity and emotional maturity that comes with it. We talk about:
- Why being alone doesn't make you lonely
- Sliders versus deciders - why you should wait before moving in with a partner
- Cognitive distortions and overspending
- Lifestyle creep
- Habits for building social connection and community
- How to successfully live alone
All that and more, listen now!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in
the world. I am so glad you are here. Back
for another episode as we break down the psychology of
our twenties. Today, we are going to talk about quite
a special twenty something experience, one I think a lot
(00:45):
of us perhaps are looking forward to, maybe even fantasize about,
or perhaps it is your reality right now, this is
your current situation. You're looking for some tips and a
better understanding of the psychological experience that you're going through.
What are we talking about Where we're talking about living
alone in our twenties. I think about five to ten
(01:06):
percent of twenty something year olds live alone, and that
is the highest populate, highest in the population except for
people over sixty, who often do so in the wake
of a divorce or a separation or a death. Whereas
people in their twenties are actively choosing this kind of lifestyle.
(01:27):
It's really a bit of a rite of passage to
say that you lived alone. To have that experience of
being completely responsible for your house or your space, your life.
It feels very adult, so beyond the days of living
with family or friends, and it's also really scary. There
are a lot of other factors that come into it, loneliness, financial, anxiety.
(01:52):
It's strange, really to be in your twenties and you
still in many ways feel somewhat like a child. But
when you transition to living alone, it is this very
distinct sense of like, oh, this is the moment when
I became an adult. Now I have to pay rent,
Now I have to decide what to eat for dinner
(02:13):
every night, whether the house gets cleaned or not, that's
on you. And it's this level of responsibility but also
independence that feels very serious and very sacred. I think
living alone in your twenties is so much more than
just getting to decorate your own space or recharging on
your own playing your music as loud as you want.
(02:35):
It is this very privileged journey that also contains a
lot of psychological growth and answering a lot of core
questions about who you are, like how much social connection
do I really need. What are the fears that I'm
going to have to face when I'm not constantly surrounded
by people, How am I going to pay all of
my bills? Like everything in life, every decision we make
(03:00):
pros and cons, and I think underneath it, there's even
more psychology that is influencing our decision and our experience,
and when it comes to living alone in your twenties,
that is also the case. So that's what we're going
to talk about today. Why, like, what are some of
the things that people worry about, what are some of
(03:20):
the concerns, but also what does psychology and some research
have to say about many of the benefits and how
to successfully embrace the solitude of living alone so that
you don't feel isolated, so that you don't feel overwhelmed,
so that you don't feel I guess, lonely. That's basically
(03:40):
the agenda for today's episode. Now, this is coming in
an amazing time for me. Obviously I pick the episode topics.
So it's no coincidence that we're talking about this this
week because I draw so much inspiration for this podcast
on my own life as someone who is right in
the middle of their twenties. I have recently just moved
(04:02):
into my own place after about almost eight years of
living in union accommodation and sharehouses. It has been the
most liberating but also scary transition, because it is this
complete shift from always having someone around, someone to talk to,
to being basically alone for like seventy eighty percent of
(04:26):
the day. And especially because I work for myself and
I work from home, I don't have the typical work schedule,
specifically like I don't have an office to go into
every day. I don't have a regular work routine, regular
exposure to colleagues and the same people, and that was
a big source of fear for me in making this decision.
(04:47):
I think the nature of working for yourself and then
also living by yourself is that you're kind of denying
yourself a great deal of incidental social interaction that most
people w would get from their nine to fives all
of their roommates. So I'm also someone who is very extroverted,
which I know means I needed a great deal more
(05:10):
social interaction, you know, being an extroverted individual, I draw
energy from others rather than from solitude, and it was
definitely something I found difficult both when I moved to
Sydney and when I quit my full time job last year,
so I was not naive about the challenges and also
my particular sensitivity to loneliness. I'm gonna put it that way. However,
(05:35):
I also know I knew at the time when I
was making this decision that A I needed the space.
I needed more room because I was working, living, doing
everything out of one tiny room in my old house,
and it was kind of beginning to blur the lines
of like leisure and like sleeping and then like work time.
(05:58):
And also I wanted the freedom to do what I
wanted with my own space, keep it as clean or
unclean as I wanted. And more importantly, it was that
sensitivity and fear of loneliness that was actually both a
consequence in somewhat of a benefit or an allure or
a challenge for me. For so long, probably since I
(06:21):
was a child, I've had this intense dread about feeling lonely,
not even about being lonely, about not even about being alone,
but feeling lonely, and it's one of the things I
fear most in the world, to the point where it's
highly irrational. It's probably more like a phobia like autophobia,
(06:41):
and it's kept me from doing a lot of things
that I've wanted to do in my life. It's really
paralyzed me at times. It's caused me to pursue bad friendships,
stay in terrible relationships, say no to opportunities because I
was terrified of what it would mean to be lonely
in new place, what that would mean for my mental
(07:02):
well being. And I think I'd had it in my
mind that I wanted to live alone for a while,
but the one thing that was kind of standing in
my way was am I going to feel lonely? And
I didn't want my fear of loneliness to prevent me
from entering this next chapter. From entering this next chapter
(07:22):
very much willingly. I had like a conversation with my
boyfriend about this at the start of the year where
we were basically like, do we just move in together
because both our circumstances were changing. It just kind of
seemed like the natural thing to do. But personally, I
knew that I needed to have the experience of living
alone for a year before living with him, because it
(07:46):
was going to be this like perfect exposure therapy to
solitude and getting comfortable in my own company and the
silence that comes with it. I didn't want to, you know,
move from living with my parents to living with roommates
to living with my boyfriend and never have experienced the
space and the time to just be alone and what
(08:08):
that experience would constitute and bring. I think if I
was just to move in with him, which I definitely
want to do in the future, I would just be
using him as a crutch to avoid a very lifelong
fear of mine. Also, when it comes to moving in
with a partner, there is this really fascinating research paper
from twenty thirteen that just kept going over and over
(08:31):
in my mind about the difference between sliders and deciders
in relationships. So many couples slide into rather than decide
these big decisions, these important life transitions. They slide into
moving in together, they slide into getting engaged, they slide
(08:55):
into having kids. And what that means is that instead
of making a conscious to decision to do something, they
do what is most convenient and what just seems like
the next step, rather than what might be best for
their relationship. So, using the example of moving in, this
incredible article by Psychology Today talks about it like this,
(09:16):
you know, it all starts with having a few pieces
of clothes at your partner's place, where you all have
those you know, a little draw that's next. Then you
start staying over a few nights a week, and then
you know, it's kind of more like five to six days.
All your stuff is at their house. You've got the
dedicated drawer in the bedroom and the bathroom, And before
(09:40):
realizing it, and without actually having a thoughtful discussion, you
basically ended up living together. And when someone's lease is
up for renewal, it just kind of seems easiest to
just officially move in together, even though at no point
have you made a conscious decision. You've slided, You've slid
into this reality. You've slid into this present choice that
(10:03):
you're making now. Sometimes this is the best decision. And
I'm sure me and my partner would be fine if
we live together, because we've had serious discussions about it,
we know that we want to do it. But often
the easiest decision is the one that requires the least
deliberate and conscious choice, and that was the case with
moving in together. It would be easiest because we would
(10:24):
save on rent because we already basically lived together all
of these things. But I didn't want to kind of
wake up in five years and be like, hey, did
we actually choose our relationship, do we actually choose our
current reality? Or was it just a whole bunch of
easy choices? And this can lead to what the authors
(10:46):
of this paper call relationship inertia or insecurity, whereby because
you've made all these easy decisions without thinking about them,
you're suddenly at a point where you're into deep and
you feel like you can't start again. Once you live together,
where you may as well get a pet, and once
you have a pet, well don't most people you know
get engaged and then they have a wedding and then
(11:07):
they have kids. Suddenly you're at this point where you've
never really made a conscious decision when it comes to
these big life choices and decisions. And that was like
a huge thing that was going on in my brain
when I was making the decision to live alone, was like,
I really want my relationship to last, and so this
living by myself, although it doesn't feel like our relationship
(11:30):
is speeding up, it's probably going to give it more
room to grow into the future because it's going to
allow me to be my own person independently in this moment,
in this time when I want to have more kind
of experiences and moments of solitude, And it's going to
mean that when we are ready to move in together,
we are like fully ready, we're fully committed to the idea.
(11:52):
So living alone actually worked out well. My boyfriend was
actually able to move into my old place, which is
just like the best coincidence. There are some other factors
that motivated me and I'm sure others to want to
live alone in their twenties as well. The biggest one
is freedom. You're at this point where the things that
(12:12):
you used to feel very nonchalant about, like your sleep schedule,
your routine, the messiness of your living environment, even the
temperature of your house, the noise, all of those things
now suddenly feel very important. I think that as a
big transition in our mid twenties, in particular, that shift
from being very chaotic and easygoing and accepting of these
(12:33):
things and you know, not really having any non negotiables
when it comes to our living space, to being very
serious about them and recognizing their importance for our mental
wellbeing and no longer willing to make compromises in a
shared living situation. When I was nineteen living at UNI,
I didn't care if I went to bed at ten
pm or two am. I didn't care if someone's music
(12:56):
was keeping me up. I didn't care if my kitchen
was a mess. Now, though I cannot imagine getting less
than eight hours sleep, I don't want to live in
filth because I have stuff to do and I want
to be my best for that, and that means having
more control over my living environment. And this really highlights
than the importance of agency in controlling our environment, especially
(13:21):
when it comes to our mental wellbeing. Your home is
your place of comfort and security if fulfills a very
deep psychological need we have for safety and belonging. When
that is compromised by people who also share that environment
and don't have the same values, don't respect your space,
don't respect your boundaries, maybe your living styles are just
(13:42):
not aligned. That can be really difficult and honestly very stressful.
We actually talked about this in our episode on roommates
and share houses. But when you don't feel like you
can relax or do what you need to do in
your home, it is a huge cumulative stress factor. Means
means you begin to become very avoidant of your living environment.
(14:04):
You don't want to go home, you don't want to
use the communal spaces, and that creates a lot of stress,
a huge cortisol spike because you never actually have the
opportunity or the space to relax. It puts a strain
on your relationship, It puts a strain on your health,
amongst so many other things. So I don't think it's
(14:25):
a surprise when we hear people say, you know, the
reason I live alone is I just didn't want to
live with roommates anymore. I was done sharing a space,
even if it costs me more. There's also the fact
that when you live with other people, the responsibility to
maintain a house is diffused across a number of people,
sometimes two, sometimes even four or five. That diffusion creates
(14:49):
a bit of a morality crisis where no one wants
to do the chores because they know that no one
else is going to do them, and so why would
they do them if no one else is going to
do do them? But then everyone has that belief. It's
called the tragedy of the commons, whereby when we have
this common space, this shared asset like a home, like
(15:10):
a living environment. Everyone benefits from using it more and
from you know, keeping it clean, but no one wants
to be the first one to do so. So I
think that after a while, you get pretty fed up
with that being the case, and it's time to, you know,
pursue an environment where you are the only one who
(15:33):
benefits and the only one who has to contribute. Now,
there was another thing that I said here that I
think is important, and that is you're prepared to do
that even if it costs you more. There is something
to consider in that, and that is the contribute, the
contribution of feeling financially secure in our decision to live alone.
(15:54):
If you've had a big income increase, one of the
main ways you want to spend that month is where
you spend your time, i e. Your home, your living environment.
And with increased financial freedom, we might be more persuaded
by kind of the luxury of having our own space.
And it is definitely a luxury in this day and age.
(16:15):
Cost of living is no joke. I think I was
going to inspections for one bedroom apartments that were in
almost unlivable and they were upwards of three thousand dollars
a month, and then you know, you don't even get
that because people often offer more because there is such
a shortage of viable properties in so many cities around
(16:35):
the world. And I think that we have to be
careful in those situations where, of course we are willing
to make the decision consciously that we are going to
pay more to have the luxury and the benefit and
the liberation and the freedom of living by ourselves, but
slowly what we see is ourselves pushing up that budget
by ten dollars, twenty dollars, fifty dollars and trying to
(16:58):
find ways to justify that. Because we are so enamored
by the idea of having our own space and having
all that freedom that we don't actually consciously or deliberately
think about how much money we are really spending. And
that raises an important experience, an idea that I see
a lot amongst fellow people in their twenties. It's this
(17:20):
idea known as a lifestyle creep, which we are seeing
more and more of, especially due to increasing inflation. So
lifestyle creep is this common pattern of spending more money
as you earn more money, but actually spending more proportionately
on things that you don't really need. Now, I am
(17:41):
not a finance expert, although I do actually have an
economics degory, which is a little known fact. And when
I was studying economics, there was so many applications to psychology,
and one of those applications is these cognitive biases that
cause us to spend more money than we actually want to.
This set of illusions that makes us feel more comfortable
(18:04):
with spending money that if someone walked up to you
on the street and said give me a thousand dollars,
you're not going to give them a thousand dollars, but
you would happily give away one thousand dollars for something
that you really want, even if it doesn't bring you
the same level of happiness as it would to do
something else with that money. That is an example of
an illusion that creates over spending and lifestyle creep is
(18:26):
a combination of those illusions, including a restraint bias having
more and therefore wanting more and spending more. Also the
overconfidence bias, whereby once you start making a certain amount
of money, you think you'll always be able to make
that same amount or even more, and that causes you
to start spending based on what you believe your future
(18:47):
income is going to be not what you currently have.
Lifestyle creep. It typically occurs after someone gets a raise,
or you get a new job with a higher income,
you pay off some debt, we see more money in
our bank account and we spend it, especially on discretionary items,
and that seems very natural, right, But lifestyle creep is
(19:09):
also known as silent inflation. One hundred thousand dollars now
is not the same as one hundred thousand dollars five
years ago. It is still a lot of money. But
when we first start working, perhaps that was five years ago,
four years ago, we normally had the expenses that we
had during UNI, so our income felt very proportionate to
(19:30):
what we wanted to spend money on. As our income
has slowly increased, as has how many nicer products we get,
name bound products we get, and because of an increased
cost of living as well. When we started working, perhaps
our career goal was to make it to one hundred K.
That does not have the same buying power as it
(19:50):
did five, six, seven years ago. So we're actually spending
from a place of delusion, spending from a place of
cognitive bias, and not clearly seeing how we're spending money.
Another illusion of this kind is known as the present bias,
which means exactly what it sounds like. Many people make
(20:14):
spending decisions based on the present without thinking of the future.
They only want to fulfill their current urge or desire.
In this case, you might be really invested in the
idea of living alone, of having your own space, even
if it means that you might jeopardize your long term
ability to save by spending more on rent than you
are actually prepared to do. Or it might mean that
(20:37):
you're so invested in this idea of having this experience
of living alone that you don't realize that you can
really only afford it for a year before you have
to go back to sharing a house. That can get
us in some trouble. But ultimately, if you follow the
rule that your rent should not be more than a
third of your income, I always like to stick to
(20:58):
a quarter just to be safe, you should be okay.
I think it's very easy to get wrapped up in
the romantic version of what living alone could be, you know,
could look like for us. I'm definitely someone who got
very wrapped up in that idea before I did it,
especially when we see so many depictions in TV shows
and movies. Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City is
(21:20):
the prime example. Also people online who just seem to
be absolutely living the dream. It's easy to get carried
away in that, but I also think we need to
be quite skeptical. So I want to talk about some
of the potential downsides slash factors for your consideration, and
also some of the solutions to those factors and those problems.
(21:43):
After this shortbreak, whilst I was applying for places to live,
which was a nightmare in itself, just given the general
lack of housing, affordability and security in major cities. Whilst
I was doing that, though, the main thing things plural
(22:06):
that people asked me about were aren't you scared you'll
get lonely? How are you going to afford this? And
aren't you scared? What about personal security? What if someone
breaks in there's no one to help you. These all
get to our major fears about living alone, real or perceived,
and what it is. What it comes down to is security,
(22:30):
having enough of what we need when we want it,
whether that's social interaction, money, or safety, feeling like we
are able to fulfill our very basic desires and like
kind of basic needs, like we need a level of
social interaction, we need a level of money to survive,
(22:52):
we need a level of security to sleep well at night.
The first one, I think is the one that most
people think of or are scared of, which is what
the solitude of living alone might bring. We need social connection.
I think that's especially the case in our twenties, when
so many of our lifelong social bonds are forming. We
are so used to being surrounded by people, or at
(23:12):
least seeing depictions of this being the case. Social isolation
and loneliness pose risks to health and well being. We
know that very well, and some studies even suggest it
can be as life limiting as behaviors like smoking. We
have evolved to be creatures who need community in order
to exist, survive, and thrive, so when we don't have
(23:34):
easy access to that, it can bleed into all other
areas of our lives. I think equally, each of us
has a different threshold for the level of daily, maybe
weekly interaction that we need. That threshold is highly subjective
and it's determined by a number of factors, including extroversion
versus introversion, but also what you're used to your baseline
(23:58):
level or need for inter I am someone who has
a high threshold that I need to meet to feel satisfied,
meaning that I understand, and I understood before I moved
into my own place, that I was going to need
to see people at least like four to five times
a week. If you are moving from a huge community
of friends in a big sharehouse where you all get
(24:20):
along and do everything together, your baseline, your threshold is
going to be really high, and it's going to be
really disturbed by a move like moving into a place
an apartment on the other side of town. The effects
of that are going to be more drastic than someone
who is living alone in the same neighborhood as their friends,
(24:41):
or who maybe went from living with just one roommate
who they weren't really close to to living alone. It's
all really based on your circumstances. However, I think it's
a big misconception that being by yourself means that you
are inherently lonely just because social interaction isn't as convenient
to you. Community doesn't need to exist all in the
(25:03):
same place or space to be fulfilling. One of the
major things I considered were moving into my own place.
Was whether I had the community to sustain this decision,
Whether I was comfortable enough in my friendships that I
knew they could support me through what would be maybe
a difficult adjustment period. Given that I wasn't best of
friends with my old roommates as lovely as they are,
(25:26):
and that all my close friends were already beyond my
home environment, I felt more comfortable making this choice. Many
people who live alone are not socially isolated or lonely.
In fact, people who live alone across all ages are
actually typically more connected to other people. That's what one sociologist,
his name is Aaron Kleinberg he discovered this. He was
(25:50):
doing a lot of research into this for his book
Going Solo, trying to dispel the idea that living alone
meant that you were lonely. And what he realized is
that people who live by themselves have an incentive to
be deliberate about when they see people, the frequency and
the quality of those interactions. That means they get more
(26:11):
out of the times they do see people, and they're
actually energized by those situations, rather than having these like
incidental run ins with people in their house, seeing the
same people all the time, and those interactions not necessarily
being completely fulfilling, not giving us a lot of energy,
but they're just there, right. I imagine this of like I'll
(26:33):
use the roommate example again. You know, you might feel
like you're seeing people more because you are seeing people
more frequently. You're running into them in the kitchen, you're
watching a movie together, you're going to the grocery store.
But the quality of those interactions might not be as
good as if every second night you went and had
like quality, serious quality time with a friend of yours.
(26:56):
One challenge, though, is to actually give yourself the time
to be alone. We often face a lot of pressure
to be constantly on and to be really filling our
time with social activities when we live alone, to always
have external stimuli, but embracing moments of solitude is important.
Otherwise you're not going to see the benefits of this decision.
(27:17):
You still need to recharge your batteries to tap into
your creativity to sit with yourself as much as you
would need to do if you lived with other people.
I think our basis for believing we will feel lonely
if we live alone comes from a lot of studies
on people who perhaps are a lot older than their twenties,
(27:39):
or on people who didn't feel like they had a
choice in living alone, maybe they had to move into
their own place after a breakup or an unexpected divorce
or death. When we go and look at studies that
actually take into account people's preferences for their living environment,
(28:00):
whether they want to live alone or with other people,
and they match those preferences to their reality, we see
something very different. We see that, in particular, people who
are living alone because they want to live alone and
very different from those who are living alone reluctantly. They
are a lot happier. They see a lot more of
(28:20):
the mental health and emotional health benefits compared to someone
who feels like they're living alone because they don't have
a choice. I also think, actually I know from personal experience,
that one big myth we have about loneliness is that
it's something that happens to us and we have no
(28:40):
control over it. I think that's also incorrect. We have
a lot more control over our experience of loneliness, whether
we fear it or run towards it, than we think,
and people who live alone often have a better relationship
with that feeling because they understand firstly that it's something
you have to get comfortab with, that sometimes it's unavoidable,
(29:02):
and secondly that loneliness is nothing more than a signal
to reach out and connect, the same way hunger tells
us to eat or thirst tells us to drink. People
who live alone know it's true, meaning they know that
it's just a messenger, and therefore they initiate more protective
actions like making weekly plans, joining a social sport team
(29:26):
compared to those who may have inbuilt company. Doesn't mean
it doesn't get lonely at times. The first night I
spent alone in my new place, I was super anxious
and felt super odd and super strange. But everything is
a trade off. Sometimes you have to lose something to
gain something better, and I think that applies to everything
(29:47):
in life, not just our living environment. You might lose
convenience and a certain baseline level of social interaction and
run ins that you're used to, but you also gain
a lot of freedom and independence. It's about recognizing which
of those things is more important to you, which of
them you value. It also means that you get to
(30:07):
have people over whenever you want, for as long as
you want, they can have a sleepover. It no one,
You don't need to get anyone's permission. It actually might
even make seeing your friends easier because you can do
it in the environment that you want to do it
in without having to ask other people. I also think
that in that solitude, even when you don't have people around,
you get to be more authentic, more responsible, more conscientious,
(30:31):
perhaps even more feeling more in touch with your emotions
because there are less distractions that you can go and
seek out. So, now that we've dispelled some of the
fears talked about, some of the perhaps downside, some of
the things that we've been told to be wary of
when it comes to living alone, I actually want to
give you some final tips for doing this successfully. How
(30:53):
can we successfully embrace solitude? Embrace like the absolute luxury
and privilege of getting our own space, of having this freedom,
of having this independence, of having this time and this
moment to unwind to really learn ourselves better. Some of
these tips are psychological, but they're also practical, because that
(31:15):
is the balance we always like to strike. And I've
gotten these from other people that I know who've been
doing this a lot longer than I have. But also
just from my recent experience and what I've found has
been helping when I've felt lonely, when i felt a
little bit scared, when i felt a little bit overwhelmed. Firstly,
create a routine. Having a daily routine can provide structure
(31:39):
and stability, and that reduces feelings of uncertainty. Uncertainty is
a big source of stress, especially when you're in a
transitionary period of having just moved in. Everything else feels new,
and sometimes you need something to feel consistent. You need
something to commit yourself to so that you don't just
feel wrapped up in a lot of the fear. It
(32:01):
could be a weekly routine, not even a daily routine,
one that you know hopefully involves something social like Mondays,
I go to run club. Tuesdays am a chill day. Wednesday,
I make plans to see a friend, etcetera, etcetera. So
you're not stressing about being forced to be alone or
being forced to feel bored when you don't have to,
(32:22):
because you know that you have some structure to your days,
some structure to your weeks. Secondly, and this is probably
my favorite tip, build community in as many ways as possible,
even if it feels small. I think we often think
of community as having a huge network of friends that
we call on every single day, but actually going to
(32:42):
the same grocery store, going to the same gym class
the same time each week, the same cafe, introducing yourself
to your neighbors. Those are important social touch points that
are really valuable and protective and provide that necessary sense
of belonging even if you don't have a large network
of friends, even if you are in a huge city.
(33:05):
It's nice to feel seen, to feel like you exist,
even if you aren't seeing people as much as you'd like,
and it just, honestly, it's such a positive experience to
be able to be like, oh, have your neighbor's number,
text them for a cup of sugar, go and knock
on their door to tell them you're having people over,
invite them for a wine. It's actually was a huge
(33:26):
part of when I first moved to Sydney was being
super friendly with my neighbors and they were so so lovely,
and it was so nice to sometimes be walking back
from the train after a really long day at work
feeling like I didn't belong and just there's someone there
who knows who you are who's gonna wave high to
you while they're going up the street. I also think
(33:47):
be open with your friends when you are feeling lonely.
I think we tend to feel a lot of embarrassment
and shame, and that prevents us from putting a label
on this feeling and acknowledging it to others around us.
It's interesting that when you are the first one to
open the door and say, hey, I've been feeling super lonely,
I've been feeling super off I really want to connect,
(34:09):
how many people are going to say the exact same thing.
How many people are going to be like, oh my gosh,
I've been feeling the same way. I can't believe that
we've both just been existing in these isolated little bubbles
and like not reaching out. It's actually really nice, I think,
to have these really I think dark and sad feelings
(34:31):
of loneliness, and then to feel seen in them and
to bond with someone over the fact that you're both
going through a very similar emotional state. From that conversation,
you can make plans to see each other regularly. You
can start to build that network. I do honestly think
that people really value honesty and they value canda when
it comes to these kind of things that we're normally
(34:52):
taught to hide. So I think it's not just about
being social. It's not just about always having plans because
we don't want to over commit ourselves. It's about just
being honest with the people around you when you just
want to talk more, you want to text a what
more throughout the day, you just want to be in
contact more often. I'd also say, find ways to cherish
(35:13):
this time and cherish this silence. I always think about
how one day I want to be married, I want
to have kids, and there will be a moment when
I will probably wish for more days alone by myself
in my own space, doing exactly what I want. And
that time that I'm wishing for in the future is
right now. This is the moment, and that future projection
(35:34):
of me keeps me more grateful for the present, knowing
that there might be one day where all I'll ask
for is to come back. This one's a lot more psychological,
but it's also important to make your space your own
and to make it feel cozy and a place that
you actually want to be in. Our living environment and
our mental health are intrinsically related. That's something that we
(35:57):
don't talk about a lot in the psychology and kind
of self help mental wellness. Space. Clutted spaces can create
feelings of being overwhelmed and anxiety, whilst tidy spaces invocus
sense of calm. Having colors and objects in your environment
that are meaningful, that are bright, that can really boost
your mood. Even things like lighting, temperature, sound, smells, the
(36:20):
color pilotte. Again, those are all really important factors to
make you feel comfortable, relaxed, and to feel almost safe.
You know, harsh lighting, loud noises that leads to a
lot of anxiety or agitation. You know, dark and cold
spaces can make you feel unmotivated or miserable. It's why
(36:42):
I think people like myself really like the idea of
having a lot of warm light in your living space,
filling it with rugs, things that are going to be
creature comforts for you, that are going to make you
want to come home, make you want to relax, make
you want to enjoy this solitary space that you've created
that is all for you. Finally, let's talk again about
(37:03):
financial insecurity and financial anxiety, because it is a huge
factor especially when you have like a massive transition from
maybe paying a lot less rent to a paying a
lot more rent. Those first early weeks. We have to
buy the fridge, you have to buy the washing machine,
you have to buy all new furniture. It is a
(37:23):
huge shift. It's a huge change. Don't fall into the
pattern of avoidance in response to feeling like your finances
are out of control. Avoidance is an unconscious defense mechanism
that our brain adopts when it isn't ready to engage
or acknowledge a difficult situation or feeling, even though we
(37:45):
know in our rational minds by looking away it's probably
gonna get worse. That is a huge sign that you
might be experiencing financial anxiety if you are refusing to
open your bills when you get them, if you are
refusing to pay them on time, refusing to pay certain
debts off because you don't want to see the money
(38:06):
leave your account. Another sign of financial anxiety is rigidity
compulsively budgeting, needing to know where every dollar is going,
whether you can get a better bang for your buck,
to the point where you don't actually buy things you
need like food, or you won't use the heater or
the air con even when you desperately need it. This
(38:27):
compulsive rigidity and obsessiveness is probably a sign that your
worries are serious concerns and really infiltrating other parts of
your life. You may value the freedom of living alone,
but I don't think it's freedom if you're depriving yourself
of your basic needs. There is no shame in reassessing
(38:47):
your finances and realizing that the lifestyle you currently have
might not be one that you can afford right now,
just at this moment. Maybe in the future, but right
now you might need to make a bit of a shift.
There is no shame in that. There is no shame
in going back to your former living situation. I know
it can feel a lot easier to just put your
(39:08):
head in the sand, but being honest with yourself about
your financial situation is so important when you make the
decision to live alone. Personally, some things that have worked
for me is that I only ever use a debit
card to make those big purchases, so I'm always aware
of what money I can spend and I don't have
(39:28):
to deal with credit card bills. I have a budget
that is realistic and not too strict. I found that
this works because if I do go over it, which
sometimes I do very rarely, if I go over it,
I don't suddenly feel like, well, okay, I've gone over it.
Now I can just spend whenever I want. When I
(39:48):
have a budget that is too stringent and too strict,
that is too confining, perhaps too harsh, it's so much
easier to spend more, and so much easier then throw
throw all I do of like financial responsibility out the window,
because you've already failed at keeping the budget for that week.
So make sure that you are actually realistic about what
(40:09):
you want to spend money on, what you need to
spend money on, and then what you've desired to spend
your money on. I also pay my rent from a
high interest account. Every time I get paid, I put
as much rent for my future as I can into
that account, even if it's just two weeks. Normally I
like to do a whole month, and I cannot touch
that money. It's this nice chunk that sits in this
(40:30):
high interest account, and a cruise interest to put towards
bills and things like that. Also, you just don't even
realize how much that kind of builds up. I think
you can make like twenty fifty one hundred bucks from
some of those accounts. Obviously, do your own research. Please
do not just go out and do that if it's
not what's best for you. But that was advice that
(40:51):
my mom gave me when I first moved out way
back when, and it's really stuck with me. Here's another
fun tip. If you are buying new furniture places like
Ikea and some other big furniture stores, ninety percent of
the time someone is selling that exact thing that you
want on Facebook marketplace, and maybe you'll have to pay
(41:13):
to get it delivered, but that fifty dollars extra that
you're paying is saving you hundreds of dollars anyways, it's
like eighty to ninety percent cheaper. Sometimes I bought my
desk this way. It was I think one hundred and
seventy dollars brand new, and I bought it for twenty
five dollars in like off Facebook marketplace, Ika also has
(41:33):
a second hand section. You should go and look at that.
There are so many good fines. I think you don't
need to skimp, you don't need to not give yourself
the things that you need, Like you know, a TV
stand or a desk just because you can't you don't
want to spend that huge amount of money. You just
have to be smart and you also have to really
do your research in terms of how much is this
(41:55):
going to cost. I think we just think like, great,
I pay my rent every week. I can afford the
additional rent. It's also can I afford the additional utility bills?
Can I afford to pay Wi Fi on my own?
Can I afford all of the all of the expenses
that are gonna come with moving in, like a removalist fan,
like buying boxes, like buying little knickknacks that you need
(42:18):
for a house, like a fruit bowl. I didn't know
that I needed that, and I am you know, I've
never needed that. I've like it's always been accessible to
me in my previous homes. Toilet paper at toilet paper stand.
There's so many little expenses. Fight off any of those
cognitive distortions that are trying to get you and convince
you to spend more money and be a realistic about
(42:38):
what this is actually gonna cost before you just become
enamored with the idea. I think that it's all that
we have time for today. Thank you so much for
tuning in, whether you're thinking about living alone, whether you
live alone, and you have any other advice from me.
You know, I feel like I'm not yet an expert
on this. I'm fresh to the living alone, living solo club.
(43:00):
Please send through your tips, send through anything else that
you want to share. I'm so excited to see what
I learn. I'm so excited to just take everything that
I can from this experience. I feel so lucky to
be able to do this. I never thought that this
was going to be something that I did, and this
early in my life. I thought I was going to
be my thirties before I got the chance to live
(43:23):
by myself. But I am learning so much, I am
experiencing so much, and I am so grateful to everyone
who has listened this past couple of years for really
giving me this opportunity. It's all thanks to the podcast
that I even have the flexibility and the financial freedom
to be able to make this decision for myself. So
thank you so much. I really hope you enjoyed this episode.
(43:45):
If you did, please feel free to leave a five
star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening
right now. Make sure that you are following along on
Spotify or you're subscribed on Apple Podcasts, And if you
have an episode suggestion, something you want to talk about,
any further advice from me or anyone else for that matter,
please feel free to message me at That Psychology Podcast
(44:08):
and we will be back on Friday with another episode
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in
the world. I am so glad you are here. Back
for another episode as we break down the psychology of
our twenties. Today, we are going to talk about quite
a special twenty something experience, one I think a lot
(00:45):
of us perhaps are looking forward to, maybe even fantasize about,
or perhaps it is your reality right now, this is
your current situation. You're looking for some tips and a
better understanding of the psychological experience that you're going through.
What are we talking about Where we're talking about living
alone in our twenties. I think about five to ten
(01:06):
percent of twenty something year olds live alone, and that
is the highest populate, highest in the population except for
people over sixty, who often do so in the wake
of a divorce or a separation or a death. Whereas
people in their twenties are actively choosing this kind of lifestyle.
(01:27):
It's really a bit of a rite of passage to
say that you lived alone. To have that experience of
being completely responsible for your house or your space, your life.
It feels very adult, so beyond the days of living
with family or friends, and it's also really scary. There
are a lot of other factors that come into it, loneliness, financial, anxiety.
(01:52):
It's strange, really to be in your twenties and you
still in many ways feel somewhat like a child. But
when you transition to living alone, it is this very
distinct sense of like, oh, this is the moment when
I became an adult. Now I have to pay rent,
Now I have to decide what to eat for dinner
(02:13):
every night, whether the house gets cleaned or not, that's
on you. And it's this level of responsibility but also
independence that feels very serious and very sacred. I think
living alone in your twenties is so much more than
just getting to decorate your own space or recharging on
your own playing your music as loud as you want.
(02:35):
It is this very privileged journey that also contains a
lot of psychological growth and answering a lot of core
questions about who you are, like how much social connection
do I really need. What are the fears that I'm
going to have to face when I'm not constantly surrounded
by people, How am I going to pay all of
my bills? Like everything in life, every decision we make
(03:00):
pros and cons, and I think underneath it, there's even
more psychology that is influencing our decision and our experience,
and when it comes to living alone in your twenties,
that is also the case. So that's what we're going
to talk about today. Why, like, what are some of
the things that people worry about, what are some of
(03:20):
the concerns, but also what does psychology and some research
have to say about many of the benefits and how
to successfully embrace the solitude of living alone so that
you don't feel isolated, so that you don't feel overwhelmed,
so that you don't feel I guess, lonely. That's basically
(03:40):
the agenda for today's episode. Now, this is coming in
an amazing time for me. Obviously I pick the episode topics.
So it's no coincidence that we're talking about this this
week because I draw so much inspiration for this podcast
on my own life as someone who is right in
the middle of their twenties. I have recently just moved
(04:02):
into my own place after about almost eight years of
living in union accommodation and sharehouses. It has been the
most liberating but also scary transition, because it is this
complete shift from always having someone around, someone to talk to,
to being basically alone for like seventy eighty percent of
(04:26):
the day. And especially because I work for myself and
I work from home, I don't have the typical work schedule,
specifically like I don't have an office to go into
every day. I don't have a regular work routine, regular
exposure to colleagues and the same people, and that was
a big source of fear for me in making this decision.
(04:47):
I think the nature of working for yourself and then
also living by yourself is that you're kind of denying
yourself a great deal of incidental social interaction that most
people w would get from their nine to fives all
of their roommates. So I'm also someone who is very extroverted,
which I know means I needed a great deal more
(05:10):
social interaction, you know, being an extroverted individual, I draw
energy from others rather than from solitude, and it was
definitely something I found difficult both when I moved to
Sydney and when I quit my full time job last year,
so I was not naive about the challenges and also
my particular sensitivity to loneliness. I'm gonna put it that way. However,
(05:35):
I also know I knew at the time when I
was making this decision that A I needed the space.
I needed more room because I was working, living, doing
everything out of one tiny room in my old house,
and it was kind of beginning to blur the lines
of like leisure and like sleeping and then like work time.
(05:58):
And also I wanted the freedom to do what I
wanted with my own space, keep it as clean or
unclean as I wanted. And more importantly, it was that
sensitivity and fear of loneliness that was actually both a
consequence in somewhat of a benefit or an allure or
a challenge for me. For so long, probably since I
(06:21):
was a child, I've had this intense dread about feeling lonely,
not even about being lonely, about not even about being alone,
but feeling lonely, and it's one of the things I
fear most in the world, to the point where it's
highly irrational. It's probably more like a phobia like autophobia,
(06:41):
and it's kept me from doing a lot of things
that I've wanted to do in my life. It's really
paralyzed me at times. It's caused me to pursue bad friendships,
stay in terrible relationships, say no to opportunities because I
was terrified of what it would mean to be lonely
in new place, what that would mean for my mental
(07:02):
well being. And I think I'd had it in my
mind that I wanted to live alone for a while,
but the one thing that was kind of standing in
my way was am I going to feel lonely? And
I didn't want my fear of loneliness to prevent me
from entering this next chapter. From entering this next chapter
(07:22):
very much willingly. I had like a conversation with my
boyfriend about this at the start of the year where
we were basically like, do we just move in together
because both our circumstances were changing. It just kind of
seemed like the natural thing to do. But personally, I
knew that I needed to have the experience of living
alone for a year before living with him, because it
(07:46):
was going to be this like perfect exposure therapy to
solitude and getting comfortable in my own company and the
silence that comes with it. I didn't want to, you know,
move from living with my parents to living with roommates
to living with my boyfriend and never have experienced the
space and the time to just be alone and what
(08:08):
that experience would constitute and bring. I think if I
was just to move in with him, which I definitely
want to do in the future, I would just be
using him as a crutch to avoid a very lifelong
fear of mine. Also, when it comes to moving in
with a partner, there is this really fascinating research paper
from twenty thirteen that just kept going over and over
(08:31):
in my mind about the difference between sliders and deciders
in relationships. So many couples slide into rather than decide
these big decisions, these important life transitions. They slide into
moving in together, they slide into getting engaged, they slide
(08:55):
into having kids. And what that means is that instead
of making a conscious to decision to do something, they
do what is most convenient and what just seems like
the next step, rather than what might be best for
their relationship. So, using the example of moving in, this
incredible article by Psychology Today talks about it like this,
(09:16):
you know, it all starts with having a few pieces
of clothes at your partner's place, where you all have
those you know, a little draw that's next. Then you
start staying over a few nights a week, and then
you know, it's kind of more like five to six days.
All your stuff is at their house. You've got the
dedicated drawer in the bedroom and the bathroom, And before
(09:40):
realizing it, and without actually having a thoughtful discussion, you
basically ended up living together. And when someone's lease is
up for renewal, it just kind of seems easiest to
just officially move in together, even though at no point
have you made a conscious decision. You've slided, You've slid
into this reality. You've slid into this present choice that
(10:03):
you're making now. Sometimes this is the best decision. And
I'm sure me and my partner would be fine if
we live together, because we've had serious discussions about it,
we know that we want to do it. But often
the easiest decision is the one that requires the least
deliberate and conscious choice, and that was the case with
moving in together. It would be easiest because we would
(10:24):
save on rent because we already basically lived together all
of these things. But I didn't want to kind of
wake up in five years and be like, hey, did
we actually choose our relationship, do we actually choose our
current reality? Or was it just a whole bunch of
easy choices? And this can lead to what the authors
(10:46):
of this paper call relationship inertia or insecurity, whereby because
you've made all these easy decisions without thinking about them,
you're suddenly at a point where you're into deep and
you feel like you can't start again. Once you live together,
where you may as well get a pet, and once
you have a pet, well don't most people you know
get engaged and then they have a wedding and then
(11:07):
they have kids. Suddenly you're at this point where you've
never really made a conscious decision when it comes to
these big life choices and decisions. And that was like
a huge thing that was going on in my brain
when I was making the decision to live alone, was like,
I really want my relationship to last, and so this
living by myself, although it doesn't feel like our relationship
(11:30):
is speeding up, it's probably going to give it more
room to grow into the future because it's going to
allow me to be my own person independently in this moment,
in this time when I want to have more kind
of experiences and moments of solitude, And it's going to
mean that when we are ready to move in together,
we are like fully ready, we're fully committed to the idea.
(11:52):
So living alone actually worked out well. My boyfriend was
actually able to move into my old place, which is
just like the best coincidence. There are some other factors
that motivated me and I'm sure others to want to
live alone in their twenties as well. The biggest one
is freedom. You're at this point where the things that
(12:12):
you used to feel very nonchalant about, like your sleep schedule,
your routine, the messiness of your living environment, even the
temperature of your house, the noise, all of those things
now suddenly feel very important. I think that as a
big transition in our mid twenties, in particular, that shift
from being very chaotic and easygoing and accepting of these
(12:33):
things and you know, not really having any non negotiables
when it comes to our living space, to being very
serious about them and recognizing their importance for our mental
wellbeing and no longer willing to make compromises in a
shared living situation. When I was nineteen living at UNI,
I didn't care if I went to bed at ten
pm or two am. I didn't care if someone's music
(12:56):
was keeping me up. I didn't care if my kitchen
was a mess. Now, though I cannot imagine getting less
than eight hours sleep, I don't want to live in
filth because I have stuff to do and I want
to be my best for that, and that means having
more control over my living environment. And this really highlights
than the importance of agency in controlling our environment, especially
(13:21):
when it comes to our mental wellbeing. Your home is
your place of comfort and security if fulfills a very
deep psychological need we have for safety and belonging. When
that is compromised by people who also share that environment
and don't have the same values, don't respect your space,
don't respect your boundaries, maybe your living styles are just
(13:42):
not aligned. That can be really difficult and honestly very stressful.
We actually talked about this in our episode on roommates
and share houses. But when you don't feel like you
can relax or do what you need to do in
your home, it is a huge cumulative stress factor. Means
means you begin to become very avoidant of your living environment.
(14:04):
You don't want to go home, you don't want to
use the communal spaces, and that creates a lot of stress,
a huge cortisol spike because you never actually have the
opportunity or the space to relax. It puts a strain
on your relationship, It puts a strain on your health,
amongst so many other things. So I don't think it's
(14:25):
a surprise when we hear people say, you know, the
reason I live alone is I just didn't want to
live with roommates anymore. I was done sharing a space,
even if it costs me more. There's also the fact
that when you live with other people, the responsibility to
maintain a house is diffused across a number of people,
sometimes two, sometimes even four or five. That diffusion creates
(14:49):
a bit of a morality crisis where no one wants
to do the chores because they know that no one
else is going to do them, and so why would
they do them if no one else is going to
do do them? But then everyone has that belief. It's
called the tragedy of the commons, whereby when we have
this common space, this shared asset like a home, like
(15:10):
a living environment. Everyone benefits from using it more and
from you know, keeping it clean, but no one wants
to be the first one to do so. So I
think that after a while, you get pretty fed up
with that being the case, and it's time to, you know,
pursue an environment where you are the only one who
(15:33):
benefits and the only one who has to contribute. Now,
there was another thing that I said here that I
think is important, and that is you're prepared to do
that even if it costs you more. There is something
to consider in that, and that is the contribute, the
contribution of feeling financially secure in our decision to live alone.
(15:54):
If you've had a big income increase, one of the
main ways you want to spend that month is where
you spend your time, i e. Your home, your living environment.
And with increased financial freedom, we might be more persuaded
by kind of the luxury of having our own space.
And it is definitely a luxury in this day and age.
(16:15):
Cost of living is no joke. I think I was
going to inspections for one bedroom apartments that were in
almost unlivable and they were upwards of three thousand dollars
a month, and then you know, you don't even get
that because people often offer more because there is such
a shortage of viable properties in so many cities around
(16:35):
the world. And I think that we have to be
careful in those situations where, of course we are willing
to make the decision consciously that we are going to
pay more to have the luxury and the benefit and
the liberation and the freedom of living by ourselves, but
slowly what we see is ourselves pushing up that budget
by ten dollars, twenty dollars, fifty dollars and trying to
(16:58):
find ways to justify that. Because we are so enamored
by the idea of having our own space and having
all that freedom that we don't actually consciously or deliberately
think about how much money we are really spending. And
that raises an important experience, an idea that I see
a lot amongst fellow people in their twenties. It's this
(17:20):
idea known as a lifestyle creep, which we are seeing
more and more of, especially due to increasing inflation. So
lifestyle creep is this common pattern of spending more money
as you earn more money, but actually spending more proportionately
on things that you don't really need. Now, I am
(17:41):
not a finance expert, although I do actually have an
economics degory, which is a little known fact. And when
I was studying economics, there was so many applications to psychology,
and one of those applications is these cognitive biases that
cause us to spend more money than we actually want to.
This set of illusions that makes us feel more comfortable
(18:04):
with spending money that if someone walked up to you
on the street and said give me a thousand dollars,
you're not going to give them a thousand dollars, but
you would happily give away one thousand dollars for something
that you really want, even if it doesn't bring you
the same level of happiness as it would to do
something else with that money. That is an example of
an illusion that creates over spending and lifestyle creep is
(18:26):
a combination of those illusions, including a restraint bias having
more and therefore wanting more and spending more. Also the
overconfidence bias, whereby once you start making a certain amount
of money, you think you'll always be able to make
that same amount or even more, and that causes you
to start spending based on what you believe your future
(18:47):
income is going to be not what you currently have.
Lifestyle creep. It typically occurs after someone gets a raise,
or you get a new job with a higher income,
you pay off some debt, we see more money in
our bank account and we spend it, especially on discretionary items,
and that seems very natural, right, But lifestyle creep is
(19:09):
also known as silent inflation. One hundred thousand dollars now
is not the same as one hundred thousand dollars five
years ago. It is still a lot of money. But
when we first start working, perhaps that was five years ago,
four years ago, we normally had the expenses that we
had during UNI, so our income felt very proportionate to
(19:30):
what we wanted to spend money on. As our income
has slowly increased, as has how many nicer products we get,
name bound products we get, and because of an increased
cost of living as well. When we started working, perhaps
our career goal was to make it to one hundred K.
That does not have the same buying power as it
(19:50):
did five, six, seven years ago. So we're actually spending
from a place of delusion, spending from a place of
cognitive bias, and not clearly seeing how we're spending money.
Another illusion of this kind is known as the present bias,
which means exactly what it sounds like. Many people make
(20:14):
spending decisions based on the present without thinking of the future.
They only want to fulfill their current urge or desire.
In this case, you might be really invested in the
idea of living alone, of having your own space, even
if it means that you might jeopardize your long term
ability to save by spending more on rent than you
are actually prepared to do. Or it might mean that
(20:37):
you're so invested in this idea of having this experience
of living alone that you don't realize that you can
really only afford it for a year before you have
to go back to sharing a house. That can get
us in some trouble. But ultimately, if you follow the
rule that your rent should not be more than a
third of your income, I always like to stick to
(20:58):
a quarter just to be safe, you should be okay.
I think it's very easy to get wrapped up in
the romantic version of what living alone could be, you know,
could look like for us. I'm definitely someone who got
very wrapped up in that idea before I did it,
especially when we see so many depictions in TV shows
and movies. Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City is
(21:20):
the prime example. Also people online who just seem to
be absolutely living the dream. It's easy to get carried
away in that, but I also think we need to
be quite skeptical. So I want to talk about some
of the potential downsides slash factors for your consideration, and
also some of the solutions to those factors and those problems.
(21:43):
After this shortbreak, whilst I was applying for places to live,
which was a nightmare in itself, just given the general
lack of housing, affordability and security in major cities. Whilst
I was doing that, though, the main thing things plural
(22:06):
that people asked me about were aren't you scared you'll
get lonely? How are you going to afford this? And
aren't you scared? What about personal security? What if someone
breaks in there's no one to help you. These all
get to our major fears about living alone, real or perceived,
and what it is. What it comes down to is security,
(22:30):
having enough of what we need when we want it,
whether that's social interaction, money, or safety, feeling like we
are able to fulfill our very basic desires and like
kind of basic needs, like we need a level of
social interaction, we need a level of money to survive,
(22:52):
we need a level of security to sleep well at night.
The first one, I think is the one that most
people think of or are scared of, which is what
the solitude of living alone might bring. We need social connection.
I think that's especially the case in our twenties, when
so many of our lifelong social bonds are forming. We
are so used to being surrounded by people, or at
(23:12):
least seeing depictions of this being the case. Social isolation
and loneliness pose risks to health and well being. We
know that very well, and some studies even suggest it
can be as life limiting as behaviors like smoking. We
have evolved to be creatures who need community in order
to exist, survive, and thrive, so when we don't have
(23:34):
easy access to that, it can bleed into all other
areas of our lives. I think equally, each of us
has a different threshold for the level of daily, maybe
weekly interaction that we need. That threshold is highly subjective
and it's determined by a number of factors, including extroversion
versus introversion, but also what you're used to your baseline
(23:58):
level or need for inter I am someone who has
a high threshold that I need to meet to feel satisfied,
meaning that I understand, and I understood before I moved
into my own place, that I was going to need
to see people at least like four to five times
a week. If you are moving from a huge community
of friends in a big sharehouse where you all get
(24:20):
along and do everything together, your baseline, your threshold is
going to be really high, and it's going to be
really disturbed by a move like moving into a place
an apartment on the other side of town. The effects
of that are going to be more drastic than someone
who is living alone in the same neighborhood as their friends,
(24:41):
or who maybe went from living with just one roommate
who they weren't really close to to living alone. It's
all really based on your circumstances. However, I think it's
a big misconception that being by yourself means that you
are inherently lonely just because social interaction isn't as convenient
to you. Community doesn't need to exist all in the
(25:03):
same place or space to be fulfilling. One of the
major things I considered were moving into my own place.
Was whether I had the community to sustain this decision,
Whether I was comfortable enough in my friendships that I
knew they could support me through what would be maybe
a difficult adjustment period. Given that I wasn't best of
friends with my old roommates as lovely as they are,
(25:26):
and that all my close friends were already beyond my
home environment, I felt more comfortable making this choice. Many
people who live alone are not socially isolated or lonely.
In fact, people who live alone across all ages are
actually typically more connected to other people. That's what one sociologist,
his name is Aaron Kleinberg he discovered this. He was
(25:50):
doing a lot of research into this for his book
Going Solo, trying to dispel the idea that living alone
meant that you were lonely. And what he realized is
that people who live by themselves have an incentive to
be deliberate about when they see people, the frequency and
the quality of those interactions. That means they get more
(26:11):
out of the times they do see people, and they're
actually energized by those situations, rather than having these like
incidental run ins with people in their house, seeing the
same people all the time, and those interactions not necessarily
being completely fulfilling, not giving us a lot of energy,
but they're just there, right. I imagine this of like I'll
(26:33):
use the roommate example again. You know, you might feel
like you're seeing people more because you are seeing people
more frequently. You're running into them in the kitchen, you're
watching a movie together, you're going to the grocery store.
But the quality of those interactions might not be as
good as if every second night you went and had
like quality, serious quality time with a friend of yours.
(26:56):
One challenge, though, is to actually give yourself the time
to be alone. We often face a lot of pressure
to be constantly on and to be really filling our
time with social activities when we live alone, to always
have external stimuli, but embracing moments of solitude is important.
Otherwise you're not going to see the benefits of this decision.
(27:17):
You still need to recharge your batteries to tap into
your creativity to sit with yourself as much as you
would need to do if you lived with other people.
I think our basis for believing we will feel lonely
if we live alone comes from a lot of studies
on people who perhaps are a lot older than their twenties,
(27:39):
or on people who didn't feel like they had a
choice in living alone, maybe they had to move into
their own place after a breakup or an unexpected divorce
or death. When we go and look at studies that
actually take into account people's preferences for their living environment,
(28:00):
whether they want to live alone or with other people,
and they match those preferences to their reality, we see
something very different. We see that, in particular, people who
are living alone because they want to live alone and
very different from those who are living alone reluctantly. They
are a lot happier. They see a lot more of
(28:20):
the mental health and emotional health benefits compared to someone
who feels like they're living alone because they don't have
a choice. I also think, actually I know from personal experience,
that one big myth we have about loneliness is that
it's something that happens to us and we have no
(28:40):
control over it. I think that's also incorrect. We have
a lot more control over our experience of loneliness, whether
we fear it or run towards it, than we think,
and people who live alone often have a better relationship
with that feeling because they understand firstly that it's something
you have to get comfortab with, that sometimes it's unavoidable,
(29:02):
and secondly that loneliness is nothing more than a signal
to reach out and connect, the same way hunger tells
us to eat or thirst tells us to drink. People
who live alone know it's true, meaning they know that
it's just a messenger, and therefore they initiate more protective
actions like making weekly plans, joining a social sport team
(29:26):
compared to those who may have inbuilt company. Doesn't mean
it doesn't get lonely at times. The first night I
spent alone in my new place, I was super anxious
and felt super odd and super strange. But everything is
a trade off. Sometimes you have to lose something to
gain something better, and I think that applies to everything
(29:47):
in life, not just our living environment. You might lose
convenience and a certain baseline level of social interaction and
run ins that you're used to, but you also gain
a lot of freedom and independence. It's about recognizing which
of those things is more important to you, which of
them you value. It also means that you get to
(30:07):
have people over whenever you want, for as long as
you want, they can have a sleepover. It no one,
You don't need to get anyone's permission. It actually might
even make seeing your friends easier because you can do
it in the environment that you want to do it
in without having to ask other people. I also think
that in that solitude, even when you don't have people around,
you get to be more authentic, more responsible, more conscientious,
(30:31):
perhaps even more feeling more in touch with your emotions
because there are less distractions that you can go and
seek out. So, now that we've dispelled some of the
fears talked about, some of the perhaps downside, some of
the things that we've been told to be wary of
when it comes to living alone, I actually want to
give you some final tips for doing this successfully. How
(30:53):
can we successfully embrace solitude? Embrace like the absolute luxury
and privilege of getting our own space, of having this freedom,
of having this independence, of having this time and this
moment to unwind to really learn ourselves better. Some of
these tips are psychological, but they're also practical, because that
(31:15):
is the balance we always like to strike. And I've
gotten these from other people that I know who've been
doing this a lot longer than I have. But also
just from my recent experience and what I've found has
been helping when I've felt lonely, when i felt a
little bit scared, when i felt a little bit overwhelmed. Firstly,
create a routine. Having a daily routine can provide structure
(31:39):
and stability, and that reduces feelings of uncertainty. Uncertainty is
a big source of stress, especially when you're in a
transitionary period of having just moved in. Everything else feels new,
and sometimes you need something to feel consistent. You need
something to commit yourself to so that you don't just
feel wrapped up in a lot of the fear. It
(32:01):
could be a weekly routine, not even a daily routine,
one that you know hopefully involves something social like Mondays,
I go to run club. Tuesdays am a chill day. Wednesday,
I make plans to see a friend, etcetera, etcetera. So
you're not stressing about being forced to be alone or
being forced to feel bored when you don't have to,
(32:22):
because you know that you have some structure to your days,
some structure to your weeks. Secondly, and this is probably
my favorite tip, build community in as many ways as possible,
even if it feels small. I think we often think
of community as having a huge network of friends that
we call on every single day, but actually going to
(32:42):
the same grocery store, going to the same gym class
the same time each week, the same cafe, introducing yourself
to your neighbors. Those are important social touch points that
are really valuable and protective and provide that necessary sense
of belonging even if you don't have a large network
of friends, even if you are in a huge city.
(33:05):
It's nice to feel seen, to feel like you exist,
even if you aren't seeing people as much as you'd like,
and it just, honestly, it's such a positive experience to
be able to be like, oh, have your neighbor's number,
text them for a cup of sugar, go and knock
on their door to tell them you're having people over,
invite them for a wine. It's actually was a huge
(33:26):
part of when I first moved to Sydney was being
super friendly with my neighbors and they were so so lovely,
and it was so nice to sometimes be walking back
from the train after a really long day at work
feeling like I didn't belong and just there's someone there
who knows who you are who's gonna wave high to
you while they're going up the street. I also think
(33:47):
be open with your friends when you are feeling lonely.
I think we tend to feel a lot of embarrassment
and shame, and that prevents us from putting a label
on this feeling and acknowledging it to others around us.
It's interesting that when you are the first one to
open the door and say, hey, I've been feeling super lonely,
I've been feeling super off I really want to connect,
(34:09):
how many people are going to say the exact same thing.
How many people are going to be like, oh my gosh,
I've been feeling the same way. I can't believe that
we've both just been existing in these isolated little bubbles
and like not reaching out. It's actually really nice, I think,
to have these really I think dark and sad feelings
(34:31):
of loneliness, and then to feel seen in them and
to bond with someone over the fact that you're both
going through a very similar emotional state. From that conversation,
you can make plans to see each other regularly. You
can start to build that network. I do honestly think
that people really value honesty and they value canda when
it comes to these kind of things that we're normally
(34:52):
taught to hide. So I think it's not just about
being social. It's not just about always having plans because
we don't want to over commit ourselves. It's about just
being honest with the people around you when you just
want to talk more, you want to text a what
more throughout the day, you just want to be in
contact more often. I'd also say, find ways to cherish
(35:13):
this time and cherish this silence. I always think about
how one day I want to be married, I want
to have kids, and there will be a moment when
I will probably wish for more days alone by myself
in my own space, doing exactly what I want. And
that time that I'm wishing for in the future is
right now. This is the moment, and that future projection
(35:34):
of me keeps me more grateful for the present, knowing
that there might be one day where all I'll ask
for is to come back. This one's a lot more psychological,
but it's also important to make your space your own
and to make it feel cozy and a place that
you actually want to be in. Our living environment and
our mental health are intrinsically related. That's something that we
(35:57):
don't talk about a lot in the psychology and kind
of self help mental wellness. Space. Clutted spaces can create
feelings of being overwhelmed and anxiety, whilst tidy spaces invocus
sense of calm. Having colors and objects in your environment
that are meaningful, that are bright, that can really boost
your mood. Even things like lighting, temperature, sound, smells, the
(36:20):
color pilotte. Again, those are all really important factors to
make you feel comfortable, relaxed, and to feel almost safe.
You know, harsh lighting, loud noises that leads to a
lot of anxiety or agitation. You know, dark and cold
spaces can make you feel unmotivated or miserable. It's why
(36:42):
I think people like myself really like the idea of
having a lot of warm light in your living space,
filling it with rugs, things that are going to be
creature comforts for you, that are going to make you
want to come home, make you want to relax, make
you want to enjoy this solitary space that you've created
that is all for you. Finally, let's talk again about
(37:03):
financial insecurity and financial anxiety, because it is a huge
factor especially when you have like a massive transition from
maybe paying a lot less rent to a paying a
lot more rent. Those first early weeks. We have to
buy the fridge, you have to buy the washing machine,
you have to buy all new furniture. It is a
(37:23):
huge shift. It's a huge change. Don't fall into the
pattern of avoidance in response to feeling like your finances
are out of control. Avoidance is an unconscious defense mechanism
that our brain adopts when it isn't ready to engage
or acknowledge a difficult situation or feeling, even though we
(37:45):
know in our rational minds by looking away it's probably
gonna get worse. That is a huge sign that you
might be experiencing financial anxiety if you are refusing to
open your bills when you get them, if you are
refusing to pay them on time, refusing to pay certain
debts off because you don't want to see the money
(38:06):
leave your account. Another sign of financial anxiety is rigidity
compulsively budgeting, needing to know where every dollar is going,
whether you can get a better bang for your buck,
to the point where you don't actually buy things you
need like food, or you won't use the heater or
the air con even when you desperately need it. This
(38:27):
compulsive rigidity and obsessiveness is probably a sign that your
worries are serious concerns and really infiltrating other parts of
your life. You may value the freedom of living alone,
but I don't think it's freedom if you're depriving yourself
of your basic needs. There is no shame in reassessing
(38:47):
your finances and realizing that the lifestyle you currently have
might not be one that you can afford right now,
just at this moment. Maybe in the future, but right
now you might need to make a bit of a shift.
There is no shame in that. There is no shame
in going back to your former living situation. I know
it can feel a lot easier to just put your
(39:08):
head in the sand, but being honest with yourself about
your financial situation is so important when you make the
decision to live alone. Personally, some things that have worked
for me is that I only ever use a debit
card to make those big purchases, so I'm always aware
of what money I can spend and I don't have
(39:28):
to deal with credit card bills. I have a budget
that is realistic and not too strict. I found that
this works because if I do go over it, which
sometimes I do very rarely, if I go over it,
I don't suddenly feel like, well, okay, I've gone over it.
Now I can just spend whenever I want. When I
(39:48):
have a budget that is too stringent and too strict,
that is too confining, perhaps too harsh, it's so much
easier to spend more, and so much easier then throw
throw all I do of like financial responsibility out the window,
because you've already failed at keeping the budget for that week.
So make sure that you are actually realistic about what
(40:09):
you want to spend money on, what you need to
spend money on, and then what you've desired to spend
your money on. I also pay my rent from a
high interest account. Every time I get paid, I put
as much rent for my future as I can into
that account, even if it's just two weeks. Normally I
like to do a whole month, and I cannot touch
that money. It's this nice chunk that sits in this
(40:30):
high interest account, and a cruise interest to put towards
bills and things like that. Also, you just don't even
realize how much that kind of builds up. I think
you can make like twenty fifty one hundred bucks from
some of those accounts. Obviously, do your own research. Please
do not just go out and do that if it's
not what's best for you. But that was advice that
(40:51):
my mom gave me when I first moved out way
back when, and it's really stuck with me. Here's another
fun tip. If you are buying new furniture places like
Ikea and some other big furniture stores, ninety percent of
the time someone is selling that exact thing that you
want on Facebook marketplace, and maybe you'll have to pay
(41:13):
to get it delivered, but that fifty dollars extra that
you're paying is saving you hundreds of dollars anyways, it's
like eighty to ninety percent cheaper. Sometimes I bought my
desk this way. It was I think one hundred and
seventy dollars brand new, and I bought it for twenty
five dollars in like off Facebook marketplace, Ika also has
(41:33):
a second hand section. You should go and look at that.
There are so many good fines. I think you don't
need to skimp, you don't need to not give yourself
the things that you need, Like you know, a TV
stand or a desk just because you can't you don't
want to spend that huge amount of money. You just
have to be smart and you also have to really
do your research in terms of how much is this
(41:55):
going to cost. I think we just think like, great,
I pay my rent every week. I can afford the
additional rent. It's also can I afford the additional utility bills?
Can I afford to pay Wi Fi on my own?
Can I afford all of the all of the expenses
that are gonna come with moving in, like a removalist fan,
like buying boxes, like buying little knickknacks that you need
(42:18):
for a house, like a fruit bowl. I didn't know
that I needed that, and I am you know, I've
never needed that. I've like it's always been accessible to
me in my previous homes. Toilet paper at toilet paper stand.
There's so many little expenses. Fight off any of those
cognitive distortions that are trying to get you and convince
you to spend more money and be a realistic about
(42:38):
what this is actually gonna cost before you just become
enamored with the idea. I think that it's all that
we have time for today. Thank you so much for
tuning in, whether you're thinking about living alone, whether you
live alone, and you have any other advice from me.
You know, I feel like I'm not yet an expert
on this. I'm fresh to the living alone, living solo club.
(43:00):
Please send through your tips, send through anything else that
you want to share. I'm so excited to see what
I learn. I'm so excited to just take everything that
I can from this experience. I feel so lucky to
be able to do this. I never thought that this
was going to be something that I did, and this
early in my life. I thought I was going to
be my thirties before I got the chance to live
(43:23):
by myself. But I am learning so much, I am
experiencing so much, and I am so grateful to everyone
who has listened this past couple of years for really
giving me this opportunity. It's all thanks to the podcast
that I even have the flexibility and the financial freedom
to be able to make this decision for myself. So
thank you so much. I really hope you enjoyed this episode.
(43:45):
If you did, please feel free to leave a five
star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening
right now. Make sure that you are following along on
Spotify or you're subscribed on Apple Podcasts, And if you
have an episode suggestion, something you want to talk about,
any further advice from me or anyone else for that matter,
please feel free to message me at That Psychology Podcast
(44:08):
and we will be back on Friday with another episode
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