March 20, 2024 • 46 mins
Iyanla brings special guest, Reginald Lewis, the soul-matcher, to help sort through some issues in a very tumultuous relationship. This week’s caller is a woman who’s been with her boyfriend since they were teenagers, and she still thinks he’s the one even after she ran him over with her car.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is
and what it is not. I want to share some
(00:22):
of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to
the R Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. Blessings and greetings. Welcome to the our Spot,
(00:50):
the place we come to discuss, explore, examine, and investigate
ourselves and other people about relationships, all kinds of relationships.
I am a Yemla, your host, your guide, and hopefully
your support for your journey into what can be one
(01:10):
of the most complicated areas of life. We all just
want to be seen and heard and loved. We all
need to be accepted for who we are, just as
we are. When it comes to relationships, and whether it's
a family relationship, a loving or intimate relationship, even the
(01:32):
relationship we're having with ourselves, acceptance and acknowledgement are the
two things that are often missing. The challenge is that
when we cannot or do not acknowledge the truth of
who we are, or accept ourselves just as we are.
It's pretty safe to consider that we cannot and will
(01:56):
not experience acceptance or the acknowledgement that we crave in
our relationships with others. So why is that?
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Just?
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Why is that, Missyambla. Well, what I've learned for myself,
from myself and about myself is that if I don't
have it, I cannot give it, and if I don't
give it, I shall not receive it. Because every relationship
I have is a function of the relationship I am
(02:27):
having with myself. Now that's true for me. I think
it's true for everybody, but some of us don't recognize
that I have a deep need to know myself. That
means whatever is missing, broken and balanced is functional within me.
It's going to show up in every relationship around me,
(02:50):
because it's called cause and effect, and that is one
of the laws of life, whether we know it or not,
or believe it or not. Now, when it comes to intimate,
loving relationlationships, we often make the mistake of trying to
get what we want, what we need, what we think
will make us feel better from the outside, and we
(03:10):
look for partners and we make them responsible to fill
the hole in our soul. A wrong, a bad approach. Okay,
you can never get from the outside what you believe
is missing inside. Unfortunately, so many of us spend the
(03:33):
majority of our time and energy looking out and doing
out there that we have no clue, not an inkling,
or an idea about who we are on the inside.
And often that lack of knowledge, lack of awareness blindness
about self will delay, block, hinder, obstruct, or deny our
(03:58):
quests and desire to find love in a partnership with
another person. Well, we are gonna talk about that today.
We are going to explore what it means to live
and love from the soul and how you find your
soul match. I like that soul match. Okay, my guest today,
(04:22):
I've got a guess. His name is Reginald Lewis and
he is known as the soul Matchmaker, the real life hupid.
That means he brings folks together hard to harden soul
to soul. Now in today's world with dating and matchmaking
shows everywhere, with people meeting up online, I want you
(04:46):
to understand what makes Reginald different. You see, Reginald is
a mystic. That means he's had a mystical experience, or
as you will, a series of mystical experiences that have
allowed him to let go of his human identity and
(05:08):
just be. And because he's had those experiences the union
with the One God, Source, Creator, Mother Earth, whatever you
call it, it means he's had experiences with the cosmos,
the universe that have taken him beyond the realm of
(05:29):
human understanding and human limitation. It also means that our
brother Reginald is a psychic or spiritual medium. Now don't
go clutching your pearls and running and hiding in the closet.
It just means that he can see and sense and
feel beyond the common human limitations and he uses that gift,
(05:55):
that ability to support people in match soul to soul.
In his work in the world as a coach, a
love and relationship expert, he is called the Sole Teacher.
He uses his mystical, spiritual practical experiences with a unique
(06:18):
blend of skills that will take him far beyond matchmaking
and support you me, whoever he's working with in the
healing of their soul that often blocks finding the love
that we want. Reginald is also the founder and CEO
(06:39):
of my Sole Matchmaker. He's the creative mind behind Sole
match Making. Now you don't have to believe me, look
it up. He guides conscious singles, conscious singles to finding
their ideal partners. He's been doing this for over fifteen
years and he has assistance thousands in navigating personal relationships
(07:04):
and what happens when the souls are attracted to one another.
This is a fresh approach and that's why professionals go
after him, seeking his support in pursuit of love. Reginald Lewis,
welcome to.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
The our spots.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Thank you for having me. It's a pleasure, it's an
honor to be here.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
It is so good to see you. And you know,
as a spiritual technician and one who knows the whole
realm of psychic phenomenon and mediumship, I am so honored
to see a man of color, a young man of color,
a beautiful young man. Okay, y'all can't see him, but
(07:51):
he finds his imported wine.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Good. So let's talk about what it is that you
do and how you support people in matching their souls
and why that's important. So let's start here. They say
you are a sole teacher. Tell me what that means, Recheald.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
Yes, so every since I was a child, as earlier
as as I can remember, I've always been a person
who has always seen beyond the physical meaning. I've always
had an insight of people, situation circumstances through a knowing
and inner knowing.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Did you tell your mother? Did you tell your mother
what you could see or did she know?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (08:38):
I told my mom. I don't think she she saw
signs and she recognized there was something different about me.
It was my grandmother who recognized it. Thank you God boy.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Don't you love a grandma exactly?
Speaker 3 (08:51):
Yes, because in my family it is hereditary. I realized
it is a history on my maternal side.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
I have a six year old great grandson who is
empathic and he sees, he hears, you know, and he'll
tell you about it. So I guess he's in my
experience or in my sphere because, like you said, I
know about it. So now you're a sole teacher. Yes,
(09:20):
you work with people as a coach, work with people
as a soul matcher. What does that mean, sole teacher?
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (09:28):
So soul?
Speaker 3 (09:30):
To me, the definition of soul is your essence who
you truly are your divine nature. Your divine being is
the expression of God. You are an expression of God.
That's what your soul is, the individualization of God that
hired being a source.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Okay, let's talk about relationships, because baby, yeah, I mean,
what's going on out here today is just so one wonderful.
We make the same mistake. I can say that I'm
married the same person three times because I didn't have
(10:09):
that internal awareness. How does not knowing who you are
impact your ability to choose partners in relationships?
Speaker 3 (10:21):
So when I have a person come to me and
they start to begin to define themself externally, but all
all the external things, their job, there, row, et cetera,
I asked him a question, and I repeat it again.
I say who are you? And I say it slowly
and intentionally, But what happens?
Speaker 1 (10:41):
And what happens?
Speaker 2 (10:42):
And they always think a pause.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
I just told you, I just told you who are.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
They take a pause and they think about it again,
and I say, who are you? Who are you beyond
your job? Who are you on your role? What is
it do you feel that you have to offer to
give to others, to the world.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
That shuts them up, that shuts them up right, most definitely.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
And a lot of people get their wants and their
needs mixed. Their priorities is backwards and they need to
reprioritize their life.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Talk. Let's break that down. They want in their needs
backwards or mixed. People just want to you know, usually
they want somebody to be with somebody so they don't
have to be by theirself. Is that a problem? Is
that a mistake? Oh?
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Most most definitely.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
That's That's why. Tell me why.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
When someone wants instant gratification, it's like I want what
I want now, you know, it's like a baby or
a kid, you know, just because he cries because he wants,
you know, or something. I don't mean you're supposed to
give it to all marries that's what he needs. I
feel like a lot of people, they a lot of
people don't know what they need, you know. They just
(12:09):
know what they want, you know, or they think that, well,
they don't know what they need because they haven't done
the work on themselves. They have not taken the time
to get to know who they are and what their
essential needs are. Because they're they're looking for everything outside
(12:30):
of them, trying to grasp to this trying to grasp
for that out of desperation, and they become co dependent
to these things. They become co dependent and attached to individuals, relationships,
circumstances that aren't necessarily healthy for them. And that's how
people find themselves in broken patterns of relationships. Well, you know,
(12:54):
I think a lot of what we're doing in relationships
today isn't about love. It's about it's about woundedness, brokenness,
it's about dysfunction. It's about those patterns. But you have
those blind, unaware of people who just can't see. I
gave them everything and I was good to them, and
they lied, they cheated.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
What do you say about that?
Speaker 3 (13:17):
I always say, I want you to look at the mirror.
I want you to look at yourself and ask yourself,
where is it that I can own my actions that
led to the circumstances of the situation that I ended up.
And because it's always going to come back to you,
(13:38):
I call it pilling the layers. It's like killing that
eyen and pilling layers you got till you get to
the core, you know, And what led to them to
put themselves in that situation, to allow themselves to be
in that situation.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Okay, so you want to put this to practice because
I got some callers who might need to hear that
question and you can feel them out. You want to
do that?
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Oh yeah, I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Okay, all right, greetings beloved, and welcome to the art spot.
This is the Yamla and my guest today is the
soul matcher, Reginald Lewis, and he's here to support you
in getting clear about your soul and your relationship and
what it is that you want. So what is it
(14:24):
that you would want Reginald to help you with today?
Speaker 4 (14:28):
I clarity about a relationship that I've kind of been
and on again off again in about was fifteen.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
And how old are you now?
Speaker 4 (14:40):
I'm thirty seven. Now it's yielded. We have two children.
I'm a boy and a girl. I'm just in two
thousand and eighteen. All of you, like I guess, years
of pasticity that you've had built up. And it was
(15:01):
like a snapping point. So it was I confronted him.
It was kind of like a physical like tussle for
a minute. I ended up hitting him with a cup.
It was like a blackout mess.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I I kind of wait a minute, hold up, hold up,
Hold up, wait a minute, you ended up hitting him
with a car? Yeah, I don't need the story. I
just wanted to make sure I was hearing you that
you accidentally hit your love of seventeen years with a car.
I just wanted to make sure that I was hearing
that correctly.
Speaker 4 (15:31):
Yes, man had me correctly. I blacked out, yeah, and
in the that was that's not even a worse car.
As a result, right, he ended up the partial anti team.
So we got back together, and we were still broken.
Nobody seek counseling, So I think we got worse, right,
Like the woman trusted even more. So we broke up
(15:54):
in twenty and twenty one and we were apart, like,
you know, no more financial support or anything like, you know,
I'll go your way, you go my way. After our
lives at the intrasponse like business and everything. So now
we're at the point where you know, we we the
last couple of months, we just got to a point
where we can like talk to each other without like
(16:17):
hating each other, right, And I feel like we're at
a point to not where we're flirting with each other,
but it feels like almost like a natural like it
feels like it feels like when I'm around him, it's
like old times again, right, And my when I'm telling
my fault is like I don't want my mind to
(16:37):
play tricks on me, like your imagination can be like
your worst friend sometimes. And I I don't, I don't,
I don't, I don't. I don't know how comfortable and
with with the situation, am. But also I feel like
I don't. I love him and I don't want to
be without him, but I also don't want to go
(16:59):
back to the hurt and pain. So I'm like, I'm
looking for advice because I feel stupid, but I also
feel like I'm just like intertwined and love, like I
don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Reginald, this is our first call.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
We have lots of dissect he very god.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back
to the R Spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
Okay, so the first thing I want to address is
you said that you met this person when you were fifteen, fourteen,
fifteen years old. And the reason I'm bringing that up
is because that's a very I think in a woman's life,
that's a very important aspect of your life. You know,
you're there's maturity, there's you're coming a young woman, You're
(17:55):
coming into your young womanhood. And I want to say
with that being said, is so I think that's an
important point because you're young, You're still learning yourself. You
have no idea what you want, you have aspirations, you
have goals as far as life direction, and you end
up in this relationship. And I think at the age
it's easy to get caught up in what I call
(18:18):
an emotional pattern or state of drama at that age
because you don't know what you want. And so I'm
guessing you just kind of went along with it because
you were in love. You were heads over here with
this person. People are in relationships at a young age
and they have children a lot of the time they
tend to settle in that relationship because of the children,
(18:39):
the bond of the children. And do you feel like,
do you feel like when the children came in that
that just kind of in a way kind of solidified
as far as the continuing to go with the relationship,
because I just I just have this feeling that because
you were you did have signs and things are happening
before the probably the children because the children happened. It
sort of seemed like it's something that you felt, probably
(19:01):
you wanted to stay in because you wanted to sort
of keep you wanted to have a family.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
Yes, I wanted to have a family, and particularly I
want to say have a family with him. So here's
the thing, and this is why I say, like, I
don't want to be I don't want to be stupid
all over again. I always felt like it was a
fourth situation with him, right, and I don't and it's
hard for me to read him, like and I've even tried,
I've even stopped crying years ago. But I always felt
(19:26):
the situation was forced with him. But then when I
felt like it was, and then I'll feel like it's forced,
like you know, and I don't feel like I don't
feel like the relationship is serving me. And then he'll
come and he'll do something spectacular and like make me
feel amazing or awesome, like he'll notice he's black. You know,
I'm feeling bad, and he'll do something amazing or awesome,
(19:48):
and then it'll be okay, like for months, and then
it'll die off again, like you know, like it.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Just I'm going to interject right there, because The first
thing I want to address issistency. Okay, so you realize
that there's inconsistency that this person, that there's inconsistent actions,
inconsistent behaviors with this particular person. And the other thing
I would say along with inconsistent actions, as long as
(20:15):
you can remember, is do you feel like at an
early point you develop not trusting an ability to not
trust him?
Speaker 4 (20:25):
I'm at points yes, and then I feel like I'm
a complete fool because all it takes is for like,
you know, a date of kids, like some conversations, can
do light everything I like to do, And then is
here you go again.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
You've grown from fifteen to the age that you're on.
There's a lot of growth and evolution in between that time.
You've grown in as an individual. You've grown in your
needs and your desires. You have, you have a different perspective,
theore experience, having kids, being a mother, trying to be
a part a faithful partner. He has grown. You have
(21:04):
to realize you're two different individuals. You're two different people.
People evolve and they grow over time, and their needs
evolve and grow over time. And it sounds like because
you are so used to him, because that's how you
know since you were fifteen that it's like you're stuck
(21:26):
in this pattern of hoping that some way, somehow that
he will change or he will become consistent.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
But always say, always.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
Trust what someone shows you as far as who they are.
And so it's like you have a certain expectation of him,
but at this point, it's kind of like all this
time has passed. It's like, do you believe that who
you are now, the person that you've evolved to be
right now? Do you believe that he's what's in your
(21:58):
best interest, he's what you need now? Because but what
I'm seeing with you is like you're it seems like
you're confused because it's like you don't know what you
want at this point, and you're in you're you're holding
or you're grasping on to the past and old patterns
hoping that it changes into something new. And it's almost
like you're waiting on him to change rather than you
(22:22):
making decisions and choices for yourself and being searching with
what you need, what you desire and moving forward with that.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Can I ask you a question, who would you be
without him?
Speaker 4 (22:35):
Without him in your.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Life as a woman, Yes, without him. If he were,
you know, Martians were to come down tomorrow take him away,
who would.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
You be without him?
Speaker 4 (22:45):
I would still be.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
Well, but what does that mean?
Speaker 4 (22:50):
I'm a mother, I have a loving person, I'm educated, work.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
How would your life be without him? With a he's
not there, no financial support, no nookie on Saturday night
when the movie is good? Who would you be? How
would your life be?
Speaker 4 (23:12):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (23:14):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (23:15):
If I would have never met him, I would have contained,
I would have like graduated. Well, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
But you did meet him, and he left you. He
left you with the blessing of two children. But the
Martians got him. He's gone. He's gone, He's gone to Mars.
Speaker 4 (23:34):
I gotta move on. And I've been.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
Trying to what what would you move on to? What
would you create? What would you do? What would you
be in your life if the Martians took him away?
Can you see that? Can you see that possibility? Can
you see that for yourself?
Speaker 4 (23:52):
Really? Right now, I will see myself like where I
had to do the legacy for my kids so I
would see my So I was working for them, trying
to trying to do things to make sure that they're
okay in life, you know, so they don't have to
work hard. And that's what that's what I see. I
don't really see myself breaking anyone else around them or
(24:15):
I'm too scared.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
Reginald by losing him. What do you feel that you're losing?
Speaker 4 (24:24):
And remember when I was when I first met him, right,
Like he had a lot of like he did a
lot of stuff to remind me of like my the
men in my life, like you know, my grandfather, Like
you know, he would tell me I was pretty, and
Corey did out a life like you know, Corey paid
attention to what I had to say, like he listened
to me, like you know, he would give me feeds
(24:45):
that it was a lot. Excided my father and out
of my life. He really wasn't there. So I had
like my grandfather and guys when.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
I was age.
Speaker 4 (24:52):
Okay, So talking with my therapist, I think that I
was looking like I think that I was looking for him,
like to hold on, like oh it was like comfort.
It was like comfort.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
So what I heard, if you don't mind me interjecting,
what I heard is attention. I needed attention. I was
seeking attention to be loved, Yes, and that was your
example of love based off what you grew up around,
(25:29):
what you were conditioned to believe, what love.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
Was, Reginald, let me ask you a question. Let me
talk to you for a second, because in her speaking,
I hear her saying it reminds me of how things
used to be when I first met him. It felt
like it once did. Is she present in this relationship
(25:53):
or is she present in the past.
Speaker 3 (25:55):
You're right, she's present in the past. She's focused in
the past, the past, ten the past. What was you're
trying to hold on and grasp to the past and
what sounds like it is because you have not developed
a certain confidence in yourself of what you are worthy
of and what you deserve beyond this relationship and what
(26:18):
you've experienced.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
But here's the sticky pot. It's difficult for her to
be present with her needs now when she never knew
what her needs were at fifteen. I don't even know
what needs she's feeling. What need is she feeling? What
need are you feeling in this relationship? Attention? Okay? What else?
Speaker 4 (26:40):
Like I have retupit like depression and anxiety, like he
was a comfort zone for me, Like he knew, like
he knew how to call me down like it's everything,
like I missed, like the conversations, like my best friend.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
What I heard is he was like a drug for you. Yep,
that's like an addiction.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back.
I am ay, I'm learning.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
This is the R spot he said.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
He calmed me down, he relaxed me. So he became
like a drug for you.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
And and.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
It's an addiction.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
And with that addiction this cold dependency. So you became
addicted to the intention, and you became co dependent. And
it seems like you need to be present to find
and find what does independence look like for you? What
does it look like to be dependent on yourself to
know who you are?
Speaker 2 (27:45):
I have a quature.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Have you taken any time Do you feel like you've
taken any time as of now, in this present moment
of your life for yourself to get to know you?
What it is that you want to prioritize yourself and
your needs?
Speaker 4 (28:00):
No, I haven't. I had two kids I gotta take
care of I know I haven't only and I see
it's cliche and like it does nothing for me. But
as long as they're okay, I shouldn't complain.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
I think some of the One of the worst things
of a person can say is I'm in a relationship
for the kids or I've got to do it for
the kids, because whether you know it or not, then
you make them obligated to fulfill a need for you.
And as a mom, I know what that looks like.
You make it obligated. They obligated to make you feel good,
(28:42):
to do things for you, and it strips them of
their own life. So when you first called, you said
you were confused about the relationship you're in. Reginal helped
me because this don't sound like a relationship to me.
It sounds like an addictive, entangled man based on an
(29:03):
identity that may or may not still exist. You're talking
about you. You want to be in relationship with him.
At fifteen he was your boyfriend. You're thirty something. Now
you want a husband. Is this the man who can
provide for you, take care of you, help you grow
in your vision? Does he have a vision? And you've
(29:23):
got to explain to me why you want to be
in relationship with somebody in some organized chaos that's so
toxic that it would force you to black out and
run them over with your car. Why in the world
would you want to.
Speaker 4 (29:37):
Be in that? And I don't, I don't know. I
felt like I don't know. I felt like, this is
the man I love. This is a man I suppose
to be this, Like you said, can't he go bide?
Can he take care of us? Yeah? He's done it,
like even after the accident, Like I'm just starting to
go back to work like this in the last couple
of months, Like that's what I'm like. I don't know,
(29:59):
Like maybe.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
But then you know, then you're speaking betrays you. You're
speaking betrays you because what I hear you saying is
I gotta do it for the kids. He ain't involved
in that, So how is he involved in it now?
If your focus is on what you have to do
for the kids, not what we have to be for
(30:20):
our children, you're speaking betrays you. I was saying, if
the Martians took him, what would you do? And you
couldn't identify what you would be? You still want to
be in the sixteen year old love entanglement? And now
you want to let me ask you something, Let me
just ask you. Excuse me, Reginald. You know I'm just
coming from the woman part, right, now you're coming from
(30:41):
the soul part. Is this the man you want to
spend the rest of his life, your rest of your
life with? Is this the man you want to spend
Yes or no? It's a yes or no question, beloved.
Is this the man you want to spend the rest
of your life with?
Speaker 4 (30:58):
So?
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Yes, yes, So this is the man you want to
spend Okay, so go do that. Go do it, Go
spend the rest of your life with it. It's nothing
you'd be confused about. This is the man, the organized chaos,
the toxicity, the whatever it is. This is how you
want to spend the rest of your life. That is
the choice you making now. Will let serve your soul?
(31:20):
Maybe maybe not? Will let feel your heart? Maybe maybe not?
But if that's the man you want to spend the
rest of your life with, go do it. That's what
I say, Regimo, But I'm hardcore, you kind of more loving.
What do you have to say?
Speaker 3 (31:34):
I would say, My thing is do you want to
be happy? I would assume that you want to be happy?
But your question ask yourself is is just making me happy?
Does he make me happy? And if he's not making
you happy or creating happiness, or adding happiness to your life,
adding peace, Then it's something that you need to refigure out, rethink, reevaluate, reprioritize,
(31:58):
because it sounds like you're prioritization. Are its backwards? It's
backwards if you're focusing on to him the past, holding
on you're trying to kid's an excuse that that's not
an excuse. Where are you putting yourself first? Where are
you standing up for yourself? Where are you making a
decision for yourself to say, this is what I want,
this is what I desire. I'm going to take ownership
(32:20):
of my happiness, of my peace and my joy and
stop putting on everyone else. It sounds like you need
to be clear and make decisions about what it is
that you want and how you want to move forward
in your life.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
But you know what, he makes her sixteen year old happy,
And I don't even think thirty seven year old knows
what happiness is. Yeah, So then stay sixteen if that's
what you want to do, because Reginald can talk to
you and spin you until your lips quiver, But you
make some choices and decisions, and it sounds to me
(32:56):
like you know your sixteen year old is comfortable with him,
which means that the thirty seven year old doesn't have
to grow up and go look and take responsibility for
what she wants. So that's not confused, and that's clear all.
Speaker 4 (33:09):
Right here to hear you, to hear you say, like,
you know, it's my sixteen year old self. Like it's
a strong realization and I do want to be happy.
So like, how do I saw it like that?
Speaker 1 (33:25):
But you're an addict, Reginald said to you. You are
addicted to the feel good of the sixteen year old
and not current in the reality of the thirty seven
year old. You're addicted. You're an addict. You need recovery.
So how do I figure out who you are right now?
What makes you happy right now? And if he does,
(33:48):
that's fine. We're not throwing him under the bus. You know,
he's a brave soul, because I don't think I would
want to be a relationship with nobody run me over
with no car, But that's just me.
Speaker 2 (33:57):
I'm you get a shot.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
You only get what shot. Do not miss your chance. Okay,
if you didn't take me out, I'm leaving. Okay, that's
just me, all right. But Reginald said to you. You're
addicted and you're code dependent. He asked you, you know
what makes you happy? You don't know. You haven't taken
time for yourself. That's what he's say and that's what
(34:21):
your soul needs to grow. And you haven't taken the
time to do that because you're focusing on him. You're
focusing on the kids, you're focusing on the past. So
the lights are on. But nobody's home, baby, ain't nobody
home in your house? That thirty seven year old woman house. Okay,
you got that, Go ahead and miss the coach.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
So you need to cleanse, You need to detoxify. What
does that that? What does that look like for you?
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Cleansing emotionally cleansing, mentally, cleansing, spiritually cleansing, detoxing, releasing, letting
go so that you can renew your mind.
Speaker 2 (35:02):
Do you know your worth? Do you know your value?
Speaker 4 (35:04):
I mean I did, like when I was younger, Like
I thought I was the highest smoking.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
Like now not when you're younger. You keep going back
to when you were younger?
Speaker 3 (35:15):
Now, what is your worth? What's your value? If you
don't know what that is, you need to figure that out.
You need to find out, you need to do some
soul searching.
Speaker 4 (35:23):
Other than big cameon in Corey's mother like, I don't
I don't know. I need to figure it out.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Can I give her prescription? Reginald? Please, Okay, I'm gonna
put you on a ninety day fast from him, a
ninety day fast, and you can do it or not
do it. And what does that ninety day fast look like?
Now that's the children's father. All do you live together?
Did the two of you live together? Okay? Fine, great,
(35:51):
here's a ninety day fast. He can see the kids,
but you don't look to him for you know, if
you all have a financial arrangement, he can do that
through the mail or through cash app or PayPal. But
you don't talk your personal business to him. You don't
ask his opinion, you don't ask his questions. You start
doing that for yourself. Him and the children are one thing.
(36:13):
But begin to, like Reginald said, detox, cleanse, purify. See
what comes up when you can't pick up the phone
and call in. See how you feel when you don't
get to talk to him. And I heard you say
that you're in therapy. Is that accurate?
Speaker 4 (36:27):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (36:28):
Yes, yeah, So take this to your therapist, and as
the feelings come up, the thoughts come up, you know,
the missing come up. Remember the Martians got it and
they only let him out to come see the kids.
And if he asks you, you know, what are you doing.
I'm cleansing. I'm cleansing myself. It don't have nothing to
do with you. You know you can say that to him,
It doesn't have anything do with you. But do a
(36:50):
ninety day fast when you begin to detox and recover
from him and find out who you are today. You're
thirty seven, you're not sixteen, and he's not the Knight
in white armor, and you don't need that kind of
feel good. You need to grow. You got to grow
yourself up and become current with who you are now.
(37:14):
Does that make sense, Reginal?
Speaker 2 (37:16):
It makes total sense.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
And I think another part of it is being an
adult now is that realizing you have children and you
said your focus is the children. If their children are
your focus, you have to realize that you are an
example for your children. You are an example. And just
like you made decisions based off what you grew up
and you saw what was conditioning you of your example
(37:39):
of love with your family, you have to realize that
your kids observing and they're taking in exactly what you're doing.
And so that's something to think about as well. Since
you want to talk about the children, is how is
this being an example for my children? What do I
want them to be able to exude exempt semplify that
(38:01):
their happiness and their joy of what love looks like,
what happiness looks like, what joy looks like, what peace
looks like.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
Use that as a form of.
Speaker 3 (38:10):
Motivation and inspiration along your detoxification, your purification process.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
I want to offer you, if you have an opportunity
to support you in this ninety day fast, in the
first forty days of it, you take a look at
one day, my soul just opened up. One day, my
soul just opened up. It's a book that'll give you
a daily practice for forty days so that you're filling
(38:38):
your soul up with something other than him. And it's
not that any of this is wrong, but the mere
fact that you're calling today, I think, Reginald, you can
agree with me that her soul may be ready for
something else. Yes, So tell me, beloved, what do you
know now that you didn't know when you called.
Speaker 4 (38:56):
My sixty year olds? So I'm trying to satisfy that.
I'm trying to say it indeed, good.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
Why are you crying? Tell me why you're crying? You
can cry, but I want to know why?
Speaker 4 (39:20):
Why are you crying? Of everything that happened?
Speaker 1 (39:25):
A cry? Oh? Good? So you're detoxing. It's starting already. Good, Okay,
I just wanted to make sure you weren't in breakdown.
You're detoxing. Good, excellent. So now you know that you've
been satisfying your sixteen year old self. Do you also
know or can you receive the possibility that you've been
(39:48):
addicted to this man because of the need he filled
for you when you first met him.
Speaker 4 (39:54):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (39:57):
And do you know that you gave away so much
of your power as a woman, as an adult? Do
you know that?
Speaker 4 (40:03):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (40:03):
And are you willing to do this ninety day fast
or detox so that you can figure out who you
are without him? And you may figure out who you
are without him? And look at him and he looks
like a good roasted goose and you just go over
and take a bite, or he may he may look
(40:24):
like dog food and you don't want no part of him,
But you can't make that decision right now, you've got
to do the detox and do the recovery from the addiction.
Speaker 3 (40:33):
Yeah, and there's another part of to add to that
is forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Don't beat up on yourself,
judge yourself, turn yourself apart. Because you were young, you
didn't know better. You were just doing what you thought
best how to do what you did. So love on yourself,
(40:54):
forgive yourself. Love that aspect of who you were back
then and the decisions that you made, because you've already
made those decisions and those choices and you are where
you are right now.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
You can't live in the past.
Speaker 3 (41:04):
You can't live in regrets and it could have sh
waters be present and love where you are now.
Speaker 1 (41:13):
Let me tell you three things that I appreciate about you.
First of all, I appreciate that you called and that
you were willing to share yourself so vulnerably and authentically
in the public. We can't see you, but that's okay.
Your story is still out there. I appreciate that. I
appreciate you trusting Reginald and I with your story. That's
really beautiful. And I appreciate that in the midst of
(41:35):
it all, although you got it a little twisted. It's
a little twisted. I appreciate that you know that you're
still honoring yourself as a mother. You know, one of
the most important roles a woman can play in her life.
One of that you still appreciate yourself as a mother.
And you know what else I appreciate. I appreciate that,
even though you're weeping, you didn't blow your nose in
(41:57):
the phone. I still appreciate that. I just think that
was so because that would have been just a horrible
sound that we would have had to edit out. I
just appreciate that so much. Thank you so much. Even
(42:17):
in the midst there's something to celebrate, there's something to appreciate.
The longest journey is from the head to the heart,
and it begins with one step. And this is your
one step. So I want to wish you well. Get
that book. Get one day my soldiers opened up. Take
it to your therapist with you so she can help
(42:38):
you work through it, or he can help you work
do it, and don't make any life altering decisions. Decide
when you want to start your fast and really just
begin to separate yourself easily, gently so that you can
begin to see who you are without him. Reginald, do
you want to give her any tips to go home on.
Speaker 3 (42:56):
I just want to say I do. I appreciate you,
and I see you. When I say I see, I
don't see you physically, but I feel you.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
And you need to know.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
That you're not alone, because I know a lot of
times you can feel like I'm alone and I don't
have the support, especially with you being a mom of
two kids. You just need to know that you're not alone,
that you're seeing, that you're heard, that you're loved, and
that you're respected. And it begins with you.
Speaker 4 (43:30):
Yeah, yeah, okay, beloved, Thank you, Thank you both. I
appreciate everything I would say, and I take it it
is and check in.
Speaker 1 (43:41):
With us and let me know how you're doing it
at the end of your fast.
Speaker 4 (43:44):
Okay, thank you both. Thank you all right.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Bye bye. So, Reginald, what did you hear in her story?
That's common, that's a common eraror people make in their relationships.
Speaker 3 (43:59):
What did you hear being so young and giving herself
up at such a young age when she she's just
coming to a woman, she's figuring out she is puberty,
you know, as a teenager and giving herself fully away
in that way that she put her trust and everything
within this person. That's very common and because of that, naturally,
(44:21):
of course there will be an attachment. Yeah, there wouldn't
because you're a child. Yeah, you know, and all she
wanted was attention, she said it. I just was looking
for that attention.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
You know.
Speaker 3 (44:32):
People seek attention in all the wrong places.
Speaker 1 (44:36):
And also make commitments at an age that they try
to hold themselves too long after is a necessary or requirement,
because she made that commitment at fifteen, but at thirty,
she might have been a completely different person, holding herself
to the commitment she made at fifteen or the decision. Yeah,
(44:59):
that is a common thing relationships, holding ourselves to agreements
that we made at one time that no longer serve us.
Speaker 3 (45:06):
Yeah, yeah, and then becoming addicted because that was the
main thing she became addicted. It laterally became an addiction,
the codependency to the point of not knowing how to
let go, how to release it.
Speaker 2 (45:19):
You know, people.
Speaker 3 (45:20):
Become addicted to each other, they become co dependent on
each other, especially when they started the relationship at a
very young age, and that's because it becomes all that
they know. It becomes a pattern, you know, and something
that they don't know how to break unless it takes
something drastic, a life situation to wake them up.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
You know, Wait a minute, she ran over him with
the car and that didn't break them up.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
We would have woke up.
Speaker 1 (45:50):
Yeah, well obviously that didn't happen. Now that conversation was
so deep and so nice, I say we do it twice.
We'll be back next week with part two of my
interview with Reginald Lewis The Soul Matter. I hope that
you know something now that you didn't know when you
tuned in. And until we meet again, stay in peace
(46:14):
and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is
and what it is not. I want to share some
(00:22):
of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to
the R Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. Blessings and greetings. Welcome to the our Spot,
(00:50):
the place we come to discuss, explore, examine, and investigate
ourselves and other people about relationships, all kinds of relationships.
I am a Yemla, your host, your guide, and hopefully
your support for your journey into what can be one
(01:10):
of the most complicated areas of life. We all just
want to be seen and heard and loved. We all
need to be accepted for who we are, just as
we are. When it comes to relationships, and whether it's
a family relationship, a loving or intimate relationship, even the
(01:32):
relationship we're having with ourselves, acceptance and acknowledgement are the
two things that are often missing. The challenge is that
when we cannot or do not acknowledge the truth of
who we are, or accept ourselves just as we are.
It's pretty safe to consider that we cannot and will
(01:56):
not experience acceptance or the acknowledgement that we crave in
our relationships with others. So why is that?
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Just?
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Why is that, Missyambla. Well, what I've learned for myself,
from myself and about myself is that if I don't
have it, I cannot give it, and if I don't
give it, I shall not receive it. Because every relationship
I have is a function of the relationship I am
(02:27):
having with myself. Now that's true for me. I think
it's true for everybody, but some of us don't recognize
that I have a deep need to know myself. That
means whatever is missing, broken and balanced is functional within me.
It's going to show up in every relationship around me,
(02:50):
because it's called cause and effect, and that is one
of the laws of life, whether we know it or not,
or believe it or not. Now, when it comes to intimate,
loving relationlationships, we often make the mistake of trying to
get what we want, what we need, what we think
will make us feel better from the outside, and we
(03:10):
look for partners and we make them responsible to fill
the hole in our soul. A wrong, a bad approach. Okay,
you can never get from the outside what you believe
is missing inside. Unfortunately, so many of us spend the
(03:33):
majority of our time and energy looking out and doing
out there that we have no clue, not an inkling,
or an idea about who we are on the inside.
And often that lack of knowledge, lack of awareness blindness
about self will delay, block, hinder, obstruct, or deny our
(03:58):
quests and desire to find love in a partnership with
another person. Well, we are gonna talk about that today.
We are going to explore what it means to live
and love from the soul and how you find your
soul match. I like that soul match. Okay, my guest today,
(04:22):
I've got a guess. His name is Reginald Lewis and
he is known as the soul Matchmaker, the real life hupid.
That means he brings folks together hard to harden soul
to soul. Now in today's world with dating and matchmaking
shows everywhere, with people meeting up online, I want you
(04:46):
to understand what makes Reginald different. You see, Reginald is
a mystic. That means he's had a mystical experience, or
as you will, a series of mystical experiences that have
allowed him to let go of his human identity and
(05:08):
just be. And because he's had those experiences the union
with the One God, Source, Creator, Mother Earth, whatever you
call it, it means he's had experiences with the cosmos,
the universe that have taken him beyond the realm of
(05:29):
human understanding and human limitation. It also means that our
brother Reginald is a psychic or spiritual medium. Now don't
go clutching your pearls and running and hiding in the closet.
It just means that he can see and sense and
feel beyond the common human limitations and he uses that gift,
(05:55):
that ability to support people in match soul to soul.
In his work in the world as a coach, a
love and relationship expert, he is called the Sole Teacher.
He uses his mystical, spiritual practical experiences with a unique
(06:18):
blend of skills that will take him far beyond matchmaking
and support you me, whoever he's working with in the
healing of their soul that often blocks finding the love
that we want. Reginald is also the founder and CEO
(06:39):
of my Sole Matchmaker. He's the creative mind behind Sole
match Making. Now you don't have to believe me, look
it up. He guides conscious singles, conscious singles to finding
their ideal partners. He's been doing this for over fifteen
years and he has assistance thousands in navigating personal relationships
(07:04):
and what happens when the souls are attracted to one another.
This is a fresh approach and that's why professionals go
after him, seeking his support in pursuit of love. Reginald Lewis,
welcome to.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
The our spots.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Thank you for having me. It's a pleasure, it's an
honor to be here.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
It is so good to see you. And you know,
as a spiritual technician and one who knows the whole
realm of psychic phenomenon and mediumship, I am so honored
to see a man of color, a young man of color,
a beautiful young man. Okay, y'all can't see him, but
(07:51):
he finds his imported wine.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Good. So let's talk about what it is that you
do and how you support people in matching their souls
and why that's important. So let's start here. They say
you are a sole teacher. Tell me what that means, Recheald.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
Yes, so every since I was a child, as earlier
as as I can remember, I've always been a person
who has always seen beyond the physical meaning. I've always
had an insight of people, situation circumstances through a knowing
and inner knowing.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Did you tell your mother? Did you tell your mother
what you could see or did she know?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (08:38):
I told my mom. I don't think she she saw
signs and she recognized there was something different about me.
It was my grandmother who recognized it. Thank you God boy.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Don't you love a grandma exactly?
Speaker 3 (08:51):
Yes, because in my family it is hereditary. I realized
it is a history on my maternal side.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
I have a six year old great grandson who is
empathic and he sees, he hears, you know, and he'll
tell you about it. So I guess he's in my
experience or in my sphere because, like you said, I
know about it. So now you're a sole teacher. Yes,
(09:20):
you work with people as a coach, work with people
as a soul matcher. What does that mean, sole teacher?
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (09:28):
So soul?
Speaker 3 (09:30):
To me, the definition of soul is your essence who
you truly are your divine nature. Your divine being is
the expression of God. You are an expression of God.
That's what your soul is, the individualization of God that
hired being a source.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Okay, let's talk about relationships, because baby, yeah, I mean,
what's going on out here today is just so one wonderful.
We make the same mistake. I can say that I'm
married the same person three times because I didn't have
(10:09):
that internal awareness. How does not knowing who you are
impact your ability to choose partners in relationships?
Speaker 3 (10:21):
So when I have a person come to me and
they start to begin to define themself externally, but all
all the external things, their job, there, row, et cetera,
I asked him a question, and I repeat it again.
I say who are you? And I say it slowly
and intentionally, But what happens?
Speaker 1 (10:41):
And what happens?
Speaker 2 (10:42):
And they always think a pause.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
I just told you, I just told you who are.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
They take a pause and they think about it again,
and I say, who are you? Who are you beyond
your job? Who are you on your role? What is
it do you feel that you have to offer to
give to others, to the world.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
That shuts them up, that shuts them up right, most definitely.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
And a lot of people get their wants and their
needs mixed. Their priorities is backwards and they need to
reprioritize their life.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Talk. Let's break that down. They want in their needs
backwards or mixed. People just want to you know, usually
they want somebody to be with somebody so they don't
have to be by theirself. Is that a problem? Is
that a mistake? Oh?
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Most most definitely.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
That's That's why. Tell me why.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
When someone wants instant gratification, it's like I want what
I want now, you know, it's like a baby or
a kid, you know, just because he cries because he wants,
you know, or something. I don't mean you're supposed to
give it to all marries that's what he needs. I
feel like a lot of people, they a lot of
people don't know what they need, you know. They just
(12:09):
know what they want, you know, or they think that, well,
they don't know what they need because they haven't done
the work on themselves. They have not taken the time
to get to know who they are and what their
essential needs are. Because they're they're looking for everything outside
(12:30):
of them, trying to grasp to this trying to grasp
for that out of desperation, and they become co dependent
to these things. They become co dependent and attached to individuals, relationships,
circumstances that aren't necessarily healthy for them. And that's how
people find themselves in broken patterns of relationships. Well, you know,
(12:54):
I think a lot of what we're doing in relationships
today isn't about love. It's about it's about woundedness, brokenness,
it's about dysfunction. It's about those patterns. But you have
those blind, unaware of people who just can't see. I
gave them everything and I was good to them, and
they lied, they cheated.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
What do you say about that?
Speaker 3 (13:17):
I always say, I want you to look at the mirror.
I want you to look at yourself and ask yourself,
where is it that I can own my actions that
led to the circumstances of the situation that I ended up.
And because it's always going to come back to you,
(13:38):
I call it pilling the layers. It's like killing that
eyen and pilling layers you got till you get to
the core, you know, And what led to them to
put themselves in that situation, to allow themselves to be
in that situation.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Okay, so you want to put this to practice because
I got some callers who might need to hear that
question and you can feel them out. You want to
do that?
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Oh yeah, I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Okay, all right, greetings beloved, and welcome to the art spot.
This is the Yamla and my guest today is the
soul matcher, Reginald Lewis, and he's here to support you
in getting clear about your soul and your relationship and
what it is that you want. So what is it
(14:24):
that you would want Reginald to help you with today?
Speaker 4 (14:28):
I clarity about a relationship that I've kind of been
and on again off again in about was fifteen.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
And how old are you now?
Speaker 4 (14:40):
I'm thirty seven. Now it's yielded. We have two children.
I'm a boy and a girl. I'm just in two
thousand and eighteen. All of you, like I guess, years
of pasticity that you've had built up. And it was
(15:01):
like a snapping point. So it was I confronted him.
It was kind of like a physical like tussle for
a minute. I ended up hitting him with a cup.
It was like a blackout mess.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I I kind of wait a minute, hold up, hold up,
Hold up, wait a minute, you ended up hitting him
with a car? Yeah, I don't need the story. I
just wanted to make sure I was hearing you that
you accidentally hit your love of seventeen years with a car.
I just wanted to make sure that I was hearing
that correctly.
Speaker 4 (15:31):
Yes, man had me correctly. I blacked out, yeah, and
in the that was that's not even a worse car.
As a result, right, he ended up the partial anti team.
So we got back together, and we were still broken.
Nobody seek counseling, So I think we got worse, right,
Like the woman trusted even more. So we broke up
(15:54):
in twenty and twenty one and we were apart, like,
you know, no more financial support or anything like, you know,
I'll go your way, you go my way. After our
lives at the intrasponse like business and everything. So now
we're at the point where you know, we we the
last couple of months, we just got to a point
where we can like talk to each other without like
(16:17):
hating each other, right, And I feel like we're at
a point to not where we're flirting with each other,
but it feels like almost like a natural like it
feels like it feels like when I'm around him, it's
like old times again, right, And my when I'm telling
my fault is like I don't want my mind to
(16:37):
play tricks on me, like your imagination can be like
your worst friend sometimes. And I I don't, I don't,
I don't, I don't. I don't know how comfortable and
with with the situation, am. But also I feel like
I don't. I love him and I don't want to
be without him, but I also don't want to go
(16:59):
back to the hurt and pain. So I'm like, I'm
looking for advice because I feel stupid, but I also
feel like I'm just like intertwined and love, like I
don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Reginald, this is our first call.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
We have lots of dissect he very god.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back
to the R Spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
Okay, so the first thing I want to address is
you said that you met this person when you were fifteen, fourteen,
fifteen years old. And the reason I'm bringing that up
is because that's a very I think in a woman's life,
that's a very important aspect of your life. You know,
you're there's maturity, there's you're coming a young woman, You're
(17:55):
coming into your young womanhood. And I want to say
with that being said, is so I think that's an
important point because you're young, You're still learning yourself. You
have no idea what you want, you have aspirations, you
have goals as far as life direction, and you end
up in this relationship. And I think at the age
it's easy to get caught up in what I call
(18:18):
an emotional pattern or state of drama at that age
because you don't know what you want. And so I'm
guessing you just kind of went along with it because
you were in love. You were heads over here with
this person. People are in relationships at a young age
and they have children a lot of the time they
tend to settle in that relationship because of the children,
(18:39):
the bond of the children. And do you feel like,
do you feel like when the children came in that
that just kind of in a way kind of solidified
as far as the continuing to go with the relationship,
because I just I just have this feeling that because
you were you did have signs and things are happening
before the probably the children because the children happened. It
sort of seemed like it's something that you felt, probably
(19:01):
you wanted to stay in because you wanted to sort
of keep you wanted to have a family.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
Yes, I wanted to have a family, and particularly I
want to say have a family with him. So here's
the thing, and this is why I say, like, I
don't want to be I don't want to be stupid
all over again. I always felt like it was a
fourth situation with him, right, and I don't and it's
hard for me to read him, like and I've even tried,
I've even stopped crying years ago. But I always felt
(19:26):
the situation was forced with him. But then when I
felt like it was, and then I'll feel like it's forced,
like you know, and I don't feel like I don't
feel like the relationship is serving me. And then he'll
come and he'll do something spectacular and like make me
feel amazing or awesome, like he'll notice he's black. You know,
I'm feeling bad, and he'll do something amazing or awesome,
(19:48):
and then it'll be okay, like for months, and then
it'll die off again, like you know, like it.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Just I'm going to interject right there, because The first
thing I want to address issistency. Okay, so you realize
that there's inconsistency that this person, that there's inconsistent actions,
inconsistent behaviors with this particular person. And the other thing
I would say along with inconsistent actions, as long as
(20:15):
you can remember, is do you feel like at an
early point you develop not trusting an ability to not
trust him?
Speaker 4 (20:25):
I'm at points yes, and then I feel like I'm
a complete fool because all it takes is for like,
you know, a date of kids, like some conversations, can
do light everything I like to do, And then is
here you go again.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
You've grown from fifteen to the age that you're on.
There's a lot of growth and evolution in between that time.
You've grown in as an individual. You've grown in your
needs and your desires. You have, you have a different perspective,
theore experience, having kids, being a mother, trying to be
a part a faithful partner. He has grown. You have
(21:04):
to realize you're two different individuals. You're two different people.
People evolve and they grow over time, and their needs
evolve and grow over time. And it sounds like because
you are so used to him, because that's how you
know since you were fifteen that it's like you're stuck
(21:26):
in this pattern of hoping that some way, somehow that
he will change or he will become consistent.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
But always say, always.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
Trust what someone shows you as far as who they are.
And so it's like you have a certain expectation of him,
but at this point, it's kind of like all this
time has passed. It's like, do you believe that who
you are now, the person that you've evolved to be
right now? Do you believe that he's what's in your
(21:58):
best interest, he's what you need now? Because but what
I'm seeing with you is like you're it seems like
you're confused because it's like you don't know what you
want at this point, and you're in you're you're holding
or you're grasping on to the past and old patterns
hoping that it changes into something new. And it's almost
like you're waiting on him to change rather than you
(22:22):
making decisions and choices for yourself and being searching with
what you need, what you desire and moving forward with that.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Can I ask you a question, who would you be
without him?
Speaker 4 (22:35):
Without him in your.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Life as a woman, Yes, without him. If he were,
you know, Martians were to come down tomorrow take him away,
who would.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
You be without him?
Speaker 4 (22:45):
I would still be.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
Well, but what does that mean?
Speaker 4 (22:50):
I'm a mother, I have a loving person, I'm educated, work.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
How would your life be without him? With a he's
not there, no financial support, no nookie on Saturday night
when the movie is good? Who would you be? How
would your life be?
Speaker 4 (23:12):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (23:14):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (23:15):
If I would have never met him, I would have contained,
I would have like graduated. Well, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
But you did meet him, and he left you. He
left you with the blessing of two children. But the
Martians got him. He's gone. He's gone, He's gone to Mars.
Speaker 4 (23:34):
I gotta move on. And I've been.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
Trying to what what would you move on to? What
would you create? What would you do? What would you
be in your life if the Martians took him away?
Can you see that? Can you see that possibility? Can
you see that for yourself?
Speaker 4 (23:52):
Really? Right now, I will see myself like where I
had to do the legacy for my kids so I
would see my So I was working for them, trying
to trying to do things to make sure that they're
okay in life, you know, so they don't have to
work hard. And that's what that's what I see. I
don't really see myself breaking anyone else around them or
(24:15):
I'm too scared.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
Reginald by losing him. What do you feel that you're losing?
Speaker 4 (24:24):
And remember when I was when I first met him, right,
Like he had a lot of like he did a
lot of stuff to remind me of like my the
men in my life, like you know, my grandfather, Like
you know, he would tell me I was pretty, and
Corey did out a life like you know, Corey paid
attention to what I had to say, like he listened
to me, like you know, he would give me feeds
(24:45):
that it was a lot. Excided my father and out
of my life. He really wasn't there. So I had
like my grandfather and guys when.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
I was age.
Speaker 4 (24:52):
Okay, So talking with my therapist, I think that I
was looking like I think that I was looking for him,
like to hold on, like oh it was like comfort.
It was like comfort.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
So what I heard, if you don't mind me interjecting,
what I heard is attention. I needed attention. I was
seeking attention to be loved, Yes, and that was your
example of love based off what you grew up around,
(25:29):
what you were conditioned to believe, what love.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
Was, Reginald, let me ask you a question. Let me
talk to you for a second, because in her speaking,
I hear her saying it reminds me of how things
used to be when I first met him. It felt
like it once did. Is she present in this relationship
(25:53):
or is she present in the past.
Speaker 3 (25:55):
You're right, she's present in the past. She's focused in
the past, the past, ten the past. What was you're
trying to hold on and grasp to the past and
what sounds like it is because you have not developed
a certain confidence in yourself of what you are worthy
of and what you deserve beyond this relationship and what
(26:18):
you've experienced.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
But here's the sticky pot. It's difficult for her to
be present with her needs now when she never knew
what her needs were at fifteen. I don't even know
what needs she's feeling. What need is she feeling? What
need are you feeling in this relationship? Attention? Okay? What else?
Speaker 4 (26:40):
Like I have retupit like depression and anxiety, like he
was a comfort zone for me, Like he knew, like
he knew how to call me down like it's everything,
like I missed, like the conversations, like my best friend.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
What I heard is he was like a drug for you. Yep,
that's like an addiction.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back.
I am ay, I'm learning.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
This is the R spot he said.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
He calmed me down, he relaxed me. So he became
like a drug for you.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
And and.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
It's an addiction.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
And with that addiction this cold dependency. So you became
addicted to the intention, and you became co dependent. And
it seems like you need to be present to find
and find what does independence look like for you? What
does it look like to be dependent on yourself to
know who you are?
Speaker 2 (27:45):
I have a quature.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Have you taken any time Do you feel like you've
taken any time as of now, in this present moment
of your life for yourself to get to know you?
What it is that you want to prioritize yourself and
your needs?
Speaker 4 (28:00):
No, I haven't. I had two kids I gotta take
care of I know I haven't only and I see
it's cliche and like it does nothing for me. But
as long as they're okay, I shouldn't complain.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
I think some of the One of the worst things
of a person can say is I'm in a relationship
for the kids or I've got to do it for
the kids, because whether you know it or not, then
you make them obligated to fulfill a need for you.
And as a mom, I know what that looks like.
You make it obligated. They obligated to make you feel good,
(28:42):
to do things for you, and it strips them of
their own life. So when you first called, you said
you were confused about the relationship you're in. Reginal helped
me because this don't sound like a relationship to me.
It sounds like an addictive, entangled man based on an
(29:03):
identity that may or may not still exist. You're talking
about you. You want to be in relationship with him.
At fifteen he was your boyfriend. You're thirty something. Now
you want a husband. Is this the man who can
provide for you, take care of you, help you grow
in your vision? Does he have a vision? And you've
(29:23):
got to explain to me why you want to be
in relationship with somebody in some organized chaos that's so
toxic that it would force you to black out and
run them over with your car. Why in the world
would you want to.
Speaker 4 (29:37):
Be in that? And I don't, I don't know. I
felt like I don't know. I felt like, this is
the man I love. This is a man I suppose
to be this, Like you said, can't he go bide?
Can he take care of us? Yeah? He's done it,
like even after the accident, Like I'm just starting to
go back to work like this in the last couple
of months, Like that's what I'm like. I don't know,
(29:59):
Like maybe.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
But then you know, then you're speaking betrays you. You're
speaking betrays you because what I hear you saying is
I gotta do it for the kids. He ain't involved
in that, So how is he involved in it now?
If your focus is on what you have to do
for the kids, not what we have to be for
(30:20):
our children, you're speaking betrays you. I was saying, if
the Martians took him, what would you do? And you
couldn't identify what you would be? You still want to
be in the sixteen year old love entanglement? And now
you want to let me ask you something, Let me
just ask you. Excuse me, Reginald. You know I'm just
coming from the woman part, right, now you're coming from
(30:41):
the soul part. Is this the man you want to
spend the rest of his life, your rest of your
life with? Is this the man you want to spend
Yes or no? It's a yes or no question, beloved.
Is this the man you want to spend the rest
of your life with?
Speaker 4 (30:58):
So?
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Yes, yes, So this is the man you want to
spend Okay, so go do that. Go do it, Go
spend the rest of your life with it. It's nothing
you'd be confused about. This is the man, the organized chaos,
the toxicity, the whatever it is. This is how you
want to spend the rest of your life. That is
the choice you making now. Will let serve your soul?
(31:20):
Maybe maybe not? Will let feel your heart? Maybe maybe not?
But if that's the man you want to spend the
rest of your life with, go do it. That's what
I say, Regimo, But I'm hardcore, you kind of more loving.
What do you have to say?
Speaker 3 (31:34):
I would say, My thing is do you want to
be happy? I would assume that you want to be happy?
But your question ask yourself is is just making me happy?
Does he make me happy? And if he's not making
you happy or creating happiness, or adding happiness to your life,
adding peace, Then it's something that you need to refigure out, rethink, reevaluate, reprioritize,
(31:58):
because it sounds like you're prioritization. Are its backwards? It's
backwards if you're focusing on to him the past, holding
on you're trying to kid's an excuse that that's not
an excuse. Where are you putting yourself first? Where are
you standing up for yourself? Where are you making a
decision for yourself to say, this is what I want,
this is what I desire. I'm going to take ownership
(32:20):
of my happiness, of my peace and my joy and
stop putting on everyone else. It sounds like you need
to be clear and make decisions about what it is
that you want and how you want to move forward
in your life.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
But you know what, he makes her sixteen year old happy,
And I don't even think thirty seven year old knows
what happiness is. Yeah, So then stay sixteen if that's
what you want to do, because Reginald can talk to
you and spin you until your lips quiver, But you
make some choices and decisions, and it sounds to me
(32:56):
like you know your sixteen year old is comfortable with him,
which means that the thirty seven year old doesn't have
to grow up and go look and take responsibility for
what she wants. So that's not confused, and that's clear all.
Speaker 4 (33:09):
Right here to hear you, to hear you say, like,
you know, it's my sixteen year old self. Like it's
a strong realization and I do want to be happy.
So like, how do I saw it like that?
Speaker 1 (33:25):
But you're an addict, Reginald said to you. You are
addicted to the feel good of the sixteen year old
and not current in the reality of the thirty seven
year old. You're addicted. You're an addict. You need recovery.
So how do I figure out who you are right now?
What makes you happy right now? And if he does,
(33:48):
that's fine. We're not throwing him under the bus. You know,
he's a brave soul, because I don't think I would
want to be a relationship with nobody run me over
with no car, But that's just me.
Speaker 2 (33:57):
I'm you get a shot.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
You only get what shot. Do not miss your chance. Okay,
if you didn't take me out, I'm leaving. Okay, that's
just me, all right. But Reginald said to you. You're
addicted and you're code dependent. He asked you, you know
what makes you happy? You don't know. You haven't taken
time for yourself. That's what he's say and that's what
(34:21):
your soul needs to grow. And you haven't taken the
time to do that because you're focusing on him. You're
focusing on the kids, you're focusing on the past. So
the lights are on. But nobody's home, baby, ain't nobody
home in your house? That thirty seven year old woman house. Okay,
you got that, Go ahead and miss the coach.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
So you need to cleanse, You need to detoxify. What
does that that? What does that look like for you?
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Cleansing emotionally cleansing, mentally, cleansing, spiritually cleansing, detoxing, releasing, letting
go so that you can renew your mind.
Speaker 2 (35:02):
Do you know your worth? Do you know your value?
Speaker 4 (35:04):
I mean I did, like when I was younger, Like
I thought I was the highest smoking.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
Like now not when you're younger. You keep going back
to when you were younger?
Speaker 3 (35:15):
Now, what is your worth? What's your value? If you
don't know what that is, you need to figure that out.
You need to find out, you need to do some
soul searching.
Speaker 4 (35:23):
Other than big cameon in Corey's mother like, I don't
I don't know. I need to figure it out.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Can I give her prescription? Reginald? Please, Okay, I'm gonna
put you on a ninety day fast from him, a
ninety day fast, and you can do it or not
do it. And what does that ninety day fast look like?
Now that's the children's father. All do you live together?
Did the two of you live together? Okay? Fine, great,
(35:51):
here's a ninety day fast. He can see the kids,
but you don't look to him for you know, if
you all have a financial arrangement, he can do that
through the mail or through cash app or PayPal. But
you don't talk your personal business to him. You don't
ask his opinion, you don't ask his questions. You start
doing that for yourself. Him and the children are one thing.
(36:13):
But begin to, like Reginald said, detox, cleanse, purify. See
what comes up when you can't pick up the phone
and call in. See how you feel when you don't
get to talk to him. And I heard you say
that you're in therapy. Is that accurate?
Speaker 4 (36:27):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (36:28):
Yes, yeah, So take this to your therapist, and as
the feelings come up, the thoughts come up, you know,
the missing come up. Remember the Martians got it and
they only let him out to come see the kids.
And if he asks you, you know, what are you doing.
I'm cleansing. I'm cleansing myself. It don't have nothing to
do with you. You know you can say that to him,
It doesn't have anything do with you. But do a
(36:50):
ninety day fast when you begin to detox and recover
from him and find out who you are today. You're
thirty seven, you're not sixteen, and he's not the Knight
in white armor, and you don't need that kind of
feel good. You need to grow. You got to grow
yourself up and become current with who you are now.
(37:14):
Does that make sense, Reginal?
Speaker 2 (37:16):
It makes total sense.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
And I think another part of it is being an
adult now is that realizing you have children and you
said your focus is the children. If their children are
your focus, you have to realize that you are an
example for your children. You are an example. And just
like you made decisions based off what you grew up
and you saw what was conditioning you of your example
(37:39):
of love with your family, you have to realize that
your kids observing and they're taking in exactly what you're doing.
And so that's something to think about as well. Since
you want to talk about the children, is how is
this being an example for my children? What do I
want them to be able to exude exempt semplify that
(38:01):
their happiness and their joy of what love looks like,
what happiness looks like, what joy looks like, what peace
looks like.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
Use that as a form of.
Speaker 3 (38:10):
Motivation and inspiration along your detoxification, your purification process.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
I want to offer you, if you have an opportunity
to support you in this ninety day fast, in the
first forty days of it, you take a look at
one day, my soul just opened up. One day, my
soul just opened up. It's a book that'll give you
a daily practice for forty days so that you're filling
(38:38):
your soul up with something other than him. And it's
not that any of this is wrong, but the mere
fact that you're calling today, I think, Reginald, you can
agree with me that her soul may be ready for
something else. Yes, So tell me, beloved, what do you
know now that you didn't know when you called.
Speaker 4 (38:56):
My sixty year olds? So I'm trying to satisfy that.
I'm trying to say it indeed, good.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
Why are you crying? Tell me why you're crying? You
can cry, but I want to know why?
Speaker 4 (39:20):
Why are you crying? Of everything that happened?
Speaker 1 (39:25):
A cry? Oh? Good? So you're detoxing. It's starting already. Good, Okay,
I just wanted to make sure you weren't in breakdown.
You're detoxing. Good, excellent. So now you know that you've
been satisfying your sixteen year old self. Do you also
know or can you receive the possibility that you've been
(39:48):
addicted to this man because of the need he filled
for you when you first met him.
Speaker 4 (39:54):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (39:57):
And do you know that you gave away so much
of your power as a woman, as an adult? Do
you know that?
Speaker 4 (40:03):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (40:03):
And are you willing to do this ninety day fast
or detox so that you can figure out who you
are without him? And you may figure out who you
are without him? And look at him and he looks
like a good roasted goose and you just go over
and take a bite, or he may he may look
(40:24):
like dog food and you don't want no part of him,
But you can't make that decision right now, you've got
to do the detox and do the recovery from the addiction.
Speaker 3 (40:33):
Yeah, and there's another part of to add to that
is forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Don't beat up on yourself,
judge yourself, turn yourself apart. Because you were young, you
didn't know better. You were just doing what you thought
best how to do what you did. So love on yourself,
(40:54):
forgive yourself. Love that aspect of who you were back
then and the decisions that you made, because you've already
made those decisions and those choices and you are where
you are right now.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
You can't live in the past.
Speaker 3 (41:04):
You can't live in regrets and it could have sh
waters be present and love where you are now.
Speaker 1 (41:13):
Let me tell you three things that I appreciate about you.
First of all, I appreciate that you called and that
you were willing to share yourself so vulnerably and authentically
in the public. We can't see you, but that's okay.
Your story is still out there. I appreciate that. I
appreciate you trusting Reginald and I with your story. That's
really beautiful. And I appreciate that in the midst of
(41:35):
it all, although you got it a little twisted. It's
a little twisted. I appreciate that you know that you're
still honoring yourself as a mother. You know, one of
the most important roles a woman can play in her life.
One of that you still appreciate yourself as a mother.
And you know what else I appreciate. I appreciate that,
even though you're weeping, you didn't blow your nose in
(41:57):
the phone. I still appreciate that. I just think that
was so because that would have been just a horrible
sound that we would have had to edit out. I
just appreciate that so much. Thank you so much. Even
(42:17):
in the midst there's something to celebrate, there's something to appreciate.
The longest journey is from the head to the heart,
and it begins with one step. And this is your
one step. So I want to wish you well. Get
that book. Get one day my soldiers opened up. Take
it to your therapist with you so she can help
(42:38):
you work through it, or he can help you work
do it, and don't make any life altering decisions. Decide
when you want to start your fast and really just
begin to separate yourself easily, gently so that you can
begin to see who you are without him. Reginald, do
you want to give her any tips to go home on.
Speaker 3 (42:56):
I just want to say I do. I appreciate you,
and I see you. When I say I see, I
don't see you physically, but I feel you.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
And you need to know.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
That you're not alone, because I know a lot of
times you can feel like I'm alone and I don't
have the support, especially with you being a mom of
two kids. You just need to know that you're not alone,
that you're seeing, that you're heard, that you're loved, and
that you're respected. And it begins with you.
Speaker 4 (43:30):
Yeah, yeah, okay, beloved, Thank you, Thank you both. I
appreciate everything I would say, and I take it it
is and check in.
Speaker 1 (43:41):
With us and let me know how you're doing it
at the end of your fast.
Speaker 4 (43:44):
Okay, thank you both. Thank you all right.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Bye bye. So, Reginald, what did you hear in her story?
That's common, that's a common eraror people make in their relationships.
Speaker 3 (43:59):
What did you hear being so young and giving herself
up at such a young age when she she's just
coming to a woman, she's figuring out she is puberty,
you know, as a teenager and giving herself fully away
in that way that she put her trust and everything
within this person. That's very common and because of that, naturally,
(44:21):
of course there will be an attachment. Yeah, there wouldn't
because you're a child. Yeah, you know, and all she
wanted was attention, she said it. I just was looking
for that attention.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
You know.
Speaker 3 (44:32):
People seek attention in all the wrong places.
Speaker 1 (44:36):
And also make commitments at an age that they try
to hold themselves too long after is a necessary or requirement,
because she made that commitment at fifteen, but at thirty,
she might have been a completely different person, holding herself
to the commitment she made at fifteen or the decision. Yeah,
(44:59):
that is a common thing relationships, holding ourselves to agreements
that we made at one time that no longer serve us.
Speaker 3 (45:06):
Yeah, yeah, and then becoming addicted because that was the
main thing she became addicted. It laterally became an addiction,
the codependency to the point of not knowing how to
let go, how to release it.
Speaker 2 (45:19):
You know, people.
Speaker 3 (45:20):
Become addicted to each other, they become co dependent on
each other, especially when they started the relationship at a
very young age, and that's because it becomes all that
they know. It becomes a pattern, you know, and something
that they don't know how to break unless it takes
something drastic, a life situation to wake them up.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
You know, Wait a minute, she ran over him with
the car and that didn't break them up.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
We would have woke up.
Speaker 1 (45:50):
Yeah, well obviously that didn't happen. Now that conversation was
so deep and so nice, I say we do it twice.
We'll be back next week with part two of my
interview with Reginald Lewis The Soul Matter. I hope that
you know something now that you didn't know when you
tuned in. And until we meet again, stay in peace
(46:14):
and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
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