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May 22, 2024 54 mins

Exes. We all have them but we can't always let go of them. Two callers share their struggles with letting go and creating boundaries with their exes: one feels guilty about ending her relationship with a man who's going through a tough time in his life, while the other can't seem to shake her teenage love 10 years later. Iyanla provides both with insight on how to end these relationships for good.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship,
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
r Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.

(00:34):
Greetings and welcome to the our Spot. This is the
place where we examine, explore, dissect, and investigate issues and
problems related to relationships, all kinds of relationships. It is
my intention that we all learn and develop the skills

(00:54):
and tools required to make our relationships better. Because relationshipships
are such an essential part of our lives, they are
the places we go to grow in our experience of love.
I am Young le van Za, your host, your facilitator,
and your co pilot for a journey into relationships. So

(01:20):
here's a little something for us to nibble on today.
Because no matter who you are, chances are you have
one an X your past, previous, former partner, lover, spouse
from a relationship that is now defunct by God prior.

(01:43):
That means you either have a husband or a wife
ben and it doesn't matter what you call him or
her or how you dress it up. Most of us
have as least one, some of us have a whole
team of them, a person who had potential. Maybe or

(02:07):
perhaps you thought they were the one, You wanted them
to be the one. You knew they weren't the one,
but you stayed and tried to make it work. The
ex who calls you sometime, and when they do, you
wonder why why are you calling me? Or they never

(02:29):
call and you wonder why why don't they ever call me?
I mean, after all that we were together, don't they
think about me? Or when they do call, you hate
it or you love it, or you may use it
as just another opportunity to stick it to them or

(02:50):
have them stick it to you. An X whether the
relationship ended well, if that's possible, or badly. If you
have an ex, chances are you have some baggage, some hurt,
some upset, some believe, some perceptions that you may still

(03:14):
be dragging around because you see, if you didn't complete
the relationship consciously and cleanly, your ex may still be
occupying space in your heart and in your life, or worse,
they may be wreaking havoc in your mind, your heart,

(03:37):
and in your new relationship. It's not uncommon that many
of us cannot move forward in our relationships because we
have some unfinished business with our ex. So on today's
our spot, we are going to be talking about our

(04:00):
relationship with our exes. Is it a healthy relationship? Is
it an awful relationship? But more importantly, is the relationship
we had blocking us from experiencing joy, peace love? Now?
You see, the person may still be alive, but the

(04:23):
relationship is over. It's dead, departed, defunct. The issue is
is it in its final resting place? And are you
resting in peace with it? Maybe? Maybe not, who knows,

(04:43):
we'll see. Here's my first guest, Greetings, we love it
and welcome to the R Spot. We are talking today
about your relationship with your ex. Do you have on
and what does that relationship look like? How is it
affecting you today?

Speaker 2 (05:02):
Hey aun Tich, how are you?

Speaker 1 (05:05):
I am well and how are you and your ex?

Speaker 2 (05:10):
Me and my ex? First, let me start by saying,
I am just in talking to you. I have been
reading your books. You have been a lifelong staple with me,
but I'm still a little rocky. My ship is still
a little rocky in relationships, but I was in a
relationship with a man who was sixteen years older than me.
Everything started out really really well. We were dating, having

(05:32):
a good time, laughing, talking, We could talk about anything.
Personal issues started slipping in about six months in. I
think he had a need to end up going to jail,
and he was like, I don't want to be bothered
with any portion of that. I raised them, and you know,
the young lady didn't like him. She threatened him all
kinds of stuff. And then he's dealing with a mother

(05:54):
who's now ninety six. At the time, she was ninety five,
and her wanted him to go back and forth of
the court and all that kind of stuff. So whenever
he was doing that, all of that kind of spilled
over into our relationship. And I mentioned that to him
in an attempt to try to, you know, figure this out,
kind of balance it. But that didn't work. And then
you know, his mother had a birthday and her health

(06:19):
decline even more so now he's home from like October
to February, and just dealing with him was just crazy.
And I just didn't realize how much of his stuff
that was just on me. It was every day I
talked to him was woe was me was me? Then
we would have little arguments in him saying, you know
that I'm selfish, I'm not being sympathetic to him, and

(06:41):
this and a that, and all the time I'm trying
to support you, the encouragement to you, and pushing my
own stuff to the side. So a part of me
one day said to him, you know, maybe we should
just be friends, and he's like, I don't want to
just be your friend. You know, I'm sorry about what's
going on. It's really meroke and I'm confused. I don't

(07:01):
know what to do. I don't have any help with
my mom. It's just me. So we went on a
little bit after that, and then our last visit, you know,
cause something had already been stirring in me in like June,
to get your pieces together, and it seemed like everywhere
I turned it was something that was speaking to me
that I needed to do as far as just dealing

(07:23):
with some things from my past as well as relationships.
So our last visit, you know, he just said some
things to me that just hit home for me, and
it just kind of pushed me into going to sign
up for some therapy and just really started looking at
who I am. And I've been reading your book. One

(07:44):
day my soul just opened up. And I do have
a page in my book where one day you asked
about who are you? Not what you do, but who
are you? And my page is blank on that, and
that's something I want to work on. So I didn't
talk to him for two days and then I finally
got up to her to say that I'm gonna move
myself from this equation so you don't have to figure

(08:05):
out how to fit me in. But I've been feeling
so sad about it because I miss some I don't
miss the you know, the camaraderie. I've been feeling guilty
because you know when to me, when people are in
the lowest part of their life, you know they need
somebody there. Did I leave too soon? But at the
same time, I'm feeling relieved because for the last ten

(08:28):
days I have got the best rest I've had in
a very long time. So I don't know, I'm just
kind of conflicting in My emotions are just everywhere, all
over the place.

Speaker 1 (08:40):
Well, okay, so this is a brand new AX. It's
a brand new.

Speaker 2 (08:46):
AX, right, Yeah, I hadn't dated anybody in a long
long time because I was a mess with dating.

Speaker 1 (08:58):
Mm hm, how did this then? It ended on the telephone?
Is that accurate? Or did it end in person?

Speaker 2 (09:04):
It ended? I believe it ended the night before. I
just didn't say anything. I waited a couple of days,
and then I ended it on the phone because I
had to take in what he had said to me,
because there was some things that were already resonating with me.

Speaker 1 (09:21):
What did he say? Tell me what he said?

Speaker 2 (09:23):
So he always said that you know, it wasn't me,
it was him, you know, dealing with his mom, him
not having anybody, And he was like, you have no
empathy for me. It's like if it's not your way,
you know, you're pouting or you get quiet, you don't
say anything, and you know it's not all about you
all the time. You know, you always asking me about

(09:46):
my mom and what's going on with me, but you
never say anything about what's going on with you. But
I never had a chance to talk about anything that
was going on with me because every time I talked
to him, it was about what was him, what's going
on with him? I'm feeling this, I'm feeling that way,
and I don't feel good. I'm this, I'm bad. So
a lot of my stuff I just didn't even talk about.

(10:07):
And one day I did just kind of blow up
and I just told him about that, and he was like,
I don't like that you're crying or I make you
feel bad. But that's pretty much, you know a lot
of what he said. And it resonated with me a
little bit about, you know, am I being selfish? You know,
by saying, you know, I want to see you, but

(10:27):
I do understand that you're dealing with your mom. I
would never say don't deal with your mom. So I
did introduce the idea, maybe you know, I could come
your way sometime. We could do things in the area
close to your home, so if you need to go
home and check on her, you can. Well.

Speaker 1 (10:41):
Let me ask you a question. Is this relationship over?
Is the relationship over?

Speaker 2 (10:48):
I removed myself from the equation.

Speaker 1 (10:51):
Here's the question. Here's the question. Here's the question. Because
the relationship is the relationship over in your mind, in
your heart? Is it over?

Speaker 2 (11:05):
I don't believe so.

Speaker 1 (11:07):
Okay, So then you don't have an X. What you
have is a partner that you're dissatisfied with. Okay, So
there's an opportunity that you will reboot this relationship. Is
that accurate?

Speaker 2 (11:22):
I don't know. I'm on the fence. I don't know.
I really don't know, because by me saying moving myself
from the equation, I never said.

Speaker 3 (11:31):
Is this over?

Speaker 1 (11:33):
Okay, what did you say to him? You're removing yourself
from the equation? What does that mean?

Speaker 2 (11:39):
Just taking myself out of the picture of you know,
him having to deal with his mom and his other
personal issues and his health issues. So let me remove myself.
That gives you time to do what you need to
do with your mom and whatever going on with you,
And that gives me time to do what I need
to do with me, and then you don't have to
figure about how you make time to come and see

(12:01):
me and have relationship at the same time. So I
just said I'll remove myself.

Speaker 1 (12:05):
So if you're not in the equation, why isn't the
relationship over?

Speaker 2 (12:11):
Well, I guess it is. We just never said it's over.
He just said, Okay, I understand, And you know he's like,
he understand.

Speaker 1 (12:19):
What what does he understand? Because you you don't understand, So.

Speaker 2 (12:25):
Understand my choice of removing myself from the whole situation.

Speaker 1 (12:30):
The relationship is not over because you haven't. You haven't
closed it out, you haven't completed it. You may be
finished with the way it is now, but you're not
complete with him. Do you understand what I'm saying? I
think so, you see, there's a distinction between being finished

(12:54):
and being complete, and meant very often we get finished,
but we don't complete. You know, you finish your dinner,
but if you put the plate in the sink and
don't wash it, there's still evidence that you had dinner.
And at any point you may go get that plate,
wipe it off with a little paper towel, and put
some more food on it. But when you are complete,

(13:18):
you wash the dish, you put the food away, you
clean off the stove, you turn out the lights, and
you go on to do something else. What you've done
is just put the plate in the sink, and at
any given moment you can go back and pick it up.
That makes sense, But the issue because you can't move on.

(13:39):
You can't move on, and if you find out today
or tomorrow that he's seeing somebody else, you will have
a hissy fit and your hair be on fire because
you're not complete. Yeah, yeah, So what you might want
to do and instead of thinking of him as your

(13:59):
ex is you might want to do a kind of
autopsy just to see what's going on in the relationship,
to see if this is the relationship you want, if
this is the person you want to be with, and
if it's not, then you can complete it. Otherwise, you

(14:22):
and any moment you can go put some more mashed
potatoes on the plate, right and be wondering why you
got potatoes instead of rice.

Speaker 2 (14:31):
Right. So by completing it, which means I would have
to make another phone call and say that it's over, well.

Speaker 1 (14:38):
You don't have to, but you have to complete it
within yourself for yourself. I am complete with this relationship.
I am moving on to look at myself. Here's the thing, beloved.
Let's start here or let's go here.

Speaker 2 (14:54):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (14:55):
People come into your life for a reason, a reason,
or a lifetime.

Speaker 2 (15:02):
Yes, I believe that.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
Once you figure out what this person's purpose was in
your life, then you know how to complete Did he
come into your life for a specific reason to show
you something, to teach you, something, to give you something,
to give you an experience of something. Did he come
into your life for a season, meaning just a little

(15:27):
while to bring you joy or laughter or excitement or
good sex or no sex or whatever. He may have
come in for a reason for a season. Maybe the
things he said were things that you really do need
to investigate. Maybe you need to go back and fill
out that who are my page and get clear and

(15:49):
once you understand who you are, are you the person
to be with this particular individual. Yes, See, the mistake
that you're making his psycho social history really is not
your business. The fact that he got issues and mama
sick or old or whatever, that's not the issue. The
issue is how are you with him? Can you be

(16:14):
with him? Is he the one that you want to
be with? But you cannot answer that until you answer
how are you with you?

Speaker 2 (16:26):
Absolutely well, I had that same I had that same
thought because you know, I could I say some things
have been stern in me that I've been just been
pulling on me for a long time that I need
to address. And I kept saying, Okay, let me find
some therapy so I can get somewhere and talk to
somebody about it. And that night, that Friday night, when

(16:49):
he was talking about that. Later on a couple days later,
I thought about that. I said, you know, maybe you
know he brought me that little joy in the first part,
but this second half is for me to the extra push,
just to go ahead and go and see about yourself.
So that's when I started doing your book. One day,

(17:11):
my soul just opened up. And I've been doing my
journaling and all of that, and I did book a
therapy point. I had one appointment, and you know, she
gave me a list of some things to do that
we're gonna dive into. And she added some things to
the list as well.

Speaker 1 (17:27):
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
to the r spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
So what does your therapy have to do with him?
You could be in therapy and still be with him.
You got to look at the quality of the relationship.

(17:47):
Is that the relationship you want to be in? Or
are you settling? Because that's the one that showed up
when you think about him. Can you see yourself three, five,
ten years down the road with him.

Speaker 2 (18:03):
Not as things are right now? No? I can't.

Speaker 1 (18:07):
Well that's all you have. You only have right now.
You don't have next year, you don't have next week.

Speaker 2 (18:12):
Right, I just mean in relationship to everything that's going
on with him. I'm like, I don't know if I
could do that for five more years or six more years.

Speaker 1 (18:21):
Listen to me, it's not a question of whether you
can do it. Do you choose to do it. It's
your choice, beloved, No, okay, So then why don't you
complete the relationship? I removed myself from the equation. What
the heck does that mean? Take yourself out the arena,

(18:42):
out the neighborhood, off the planet as it relates to him. Right.

Speaker 2 (18:49):
I haven't talked to him since then. I just, you know,
started my own little journey of you know, trying to
work on self. And when I went to Therby, we
touched on it briefly, and she saying, we're gonna do
a lot that we need to unpack. So we're gonna
work on that, and she talked about myself, me and
myself a lot.

Speaker 1 (19:10):
Yeah, you have to complete the relationship for yourself, within yourself.
You don't have to call him and say another thing
to him. And if he calls you, you know, you
can ask him how he is, how his mother is,
and if he brings up the two of you old together,
you just have to say, you know, I'm clear that

(19:32):
us being together is not working for me. It's not
it's not what I choose. Absolutely, maybe he was a
reasonal season, he came in for a season for a
particular reason. He got you the therapy, right, yay, yeah, yes, absolutely,

(19:55):
But again, complete the relationship within yourself. What you say
to him does not matter, does not matter.

Speaker 3 (20:07):
The complete it of myself.

Speaker 1 (20:09):
Yeah, have a little funeral, bury it, let it be gone.
I don't mean go to the cemetery. I just mean
in your mind, it sounds like you're testing him. You
want to see how he's going to show up and
how he's gonna respond. That's what it sounds like.

Speaker 2 (20:26):
I'm not gonna say that that's not true. But him
I gonna.

Speaker 1 (20:30):
Respond, well, I don't know him at all.

Speaker 3 (20:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (20:35):
Absolutely, exactly what it is is exactly what you have,
and you have to choose to complete it. Be done.
Wash the dish, put it away, put the food away,
close the refrigerator, clean off the stole, and go to bed.

Speaker 2 (20:56):
Right. Okay, well started, Okay, so I just gotta brad
it on out and finish right.

Speaker 1 (21:05):
Okay, all right, So when I talk to you again,
he's really gonna be an ex because right now he's
a possibility.

Speaker 2 (21:18):
I guess, okay, I guess you're right. Yes, thank you
so much. I appreciate you. Love you all right.

Speaker 1 (21:25):
My love, thank you, love your bye bye bye. Please
know it is an important distinction to know if you're
finished with things the way they are, or if you
are complete with the relationship, because if you're finished, you're

(21:46):
gonna keep sticking your forking the pot or the pan,
stirring it up, trying to get what you want. That's
that's finished. If you're complete, it's like I'm done, this
is over. There's no possibility. I don't have any hidden agendas.
I'm not testing, I'm not waiting, I'm not looking. I'm done.

(22:06):
And if that has to be communicated, communicated clearly. You know,
it doesn't matter how long you've been in a relationship
or what else the other person is saying. And it
sounds like my last guest, they weren't living together. That
becomes a little more sticky when you and the person

(22:28):
are cohabitating. But you've got to make it clean, you've
got to make it clear, you've got to make it complete.
Let me see what my next caller is up to Greetings,
we love it, and welcome to the R Spot. We
are talking today about your relationship with your ex. Do

(22:51):
you have one? Do you have two? Several? Where are
you with your ex right now?

Speaker 3 (22:56):
I have one X. It's basically the same X I've
had for almost the past ten years. I'm twenty four
and we met I know, yeah, it's my only serious
boyfriend relationship. We met when I was sixteen, he was seventeen,
and we met in the most random way ever, which
always made me feel like we were meant to be together.

(23:17):
We met through like an anonymous like chat basically I'm
not sure if you're familiar home eagal, but that's how
we met. So we had on and off obviously because
we were sixteen, long distance got into a relationship. We
broke up my first year of college, but then my
senior year of college we got back together. And this

(23:39):
is when the relationship became more serious because now we're
adults quote unquote right, and I decided to go live
with him the following year. My mom was so mad,
but eventually just accepted it and I went to go
live with him and his family. And that was a
whole experience in itself. But we recently just broke up

(24:00):
in October, and I knew that this breakup would be
final because my mom would never let me go back
and accept the relationship again. And two, I just think
that so much trauma has happened.

Speaker 2 (24:10):
Throughout our whole relationship.

Speaker 3 (24:12):
That I feel like we don't have a good enough
foundation to actually be in a relationship. Yet we can't
let each other go. He is my best friend. I'm
his best friend. We are talking to this day right now.
We stopped talking for a little bit, and then two
months ago I reached out because I just like to
know what's going on in his life. I have no
idea where that extreme desire comes from, and I like

(24:35):
having him know about my life. And he's very supportive
even when we weren't together in the past, he was
the first person I called whenever something bad happened to me.
I don't know, He's just a great friend and I'm
not sure if I have to let him go just
because we're not together. But it's so hard to have

(24:55):
hard boundary lines when it comes to friendship and flirting
because obviously there's still love there. But yeah, I don't
know how to let go of my eggs, and I'm
scared that I have to do it, and I'm scared
if I don't do it, then it'll be something that
I'll regret when i'm older, Like why didn't you let go?
You know?

Speaker 1 (25:15):
Well, it sounds like the question that you're looking at
is can you love him in a new way? You
can stop being his partner's, spouse, lover, girlfriend, whatever you
want to call it, and be his friend. That may
take some time, but it's also going to take clear boundaries.

(25:37):
You don't have to stop loving him, you don't and
you don't have to throw him out of your life
in your heart, but you do have to create a
new normal. Okay, you do have to create a new normal.
So when you say we can't let each other go,
well that's a choice choice that you can make with

(26:03):
new boundaries, new understandings. You have to the two of you.
You have to agree. Okay, we can never be intimate again.
That's just not going to happen. Now we can talk,
we can share I love you, you love me, but
that part of our relationship is complete. See, the only

(26:24):
common denominator for you in this relationship is you. So
you need to take time to understand what's driving your behavior,
What needs do you have that you're telling yourself that
he fulfills. What wants and desires do you have that
he fulfills, And what is your want and desire for

(26:46):
your relationship and can you have that with him? So
by examining your past and really understanding where you are,
why you broke up, why that relation relationship ended, then
you have the tools that you need to build a
new normal, to build a new kind of relationship, and

(27:08):
you don't have to stop loving him, but you do
have to be clear that he's no longer your lover.

Speaker 3 (27:17):
That's hard. I've I've definitely realized.

Speaker 1 (27:21):
That I didn't like that sound. So what is it
that keeps dragging you back?

Speaker 3 (27:31):
I guess I love knowing how he's doing, and I
love the comforting feeling I get when I share about
my day or what's going on in my life. I
think we have a really great bond in chemistry. He's
still caring. There's so many qualities about him that I
would want in a partner. But I understand why we

(27:52):
can't work right now and why we can't be in
a relationship. So that's like the conflicting part where there
are things that are missing and there are things that
I see, But then there's also the great qualities that
I've always wanted in a partner that he fulfilled. But
I understand that I'm a very special person to him,

(28:15):
so he treats me very special, and I understand that
one day, that day it will be different, it will
be different. And that's the part where I've had to
cope with where I'm like, Okay, I can understand we're
not in a relationship, and I can release it in
that sense, But am I ready to not be his
special person anymore? Like no longer get some of the

(28:35):
privileges right, And I think that's I'm not sure if
I'm ready for that part. And maybe that's why I
have my boundary so loose right now.

Speaker 1 (28:45):
And like I said, you are the common denominator. So
is he your lover, partner, the love of your life?
Or is he the candy store that you get to
get special treats in? Is he your partner or is
he a habit? Is he your first and only?

Speaker 3 (29:06):
He is my I would like to say he's my partner,
and I would say that he's my first boyfriend, but
not my first, like, not my only intimate partner I've had.

Speaker 1 (29:15):
I'm not sure that you've given enough space for the
relationship to transfigure, not even transform. Transfigure means that you
take what is and turn it into something else, and
that's a process. So if you want to transfigure this

(29:36):
relationship from being a love ship into being a friendship,
you may have to put some time in space between
it so that you can get accustomed to the new normal.
And see, you said that you've been together since you
were fourteen and he was seventeen or fifteen or some

(29:57):
such thing. Sixteen, sevent Okay, So there's a fabric in
the foundation that the two of you have woven together,
and you may be standing on that foundation even though
it's got holes and it cracks and it breaks in
it because you haven't established another foundation for what it

(30:20):
is you want in a relationship. And again, you don't
have to stop loving him, you don't have to throw
him out of your heart, but you've got to look
at why you broke up and why you're not together
as lovers partners in a relationship so that you can
become friends. It sounds to me like he's the comfortable

(30:43):
habit and not necessarily a good partner for you.

Speaker 3 (30:50):
Well, the breakup was, I guess my fault, so like
I had to cope with that in a sense. Our
first breakup was also when I was eighteen. That one
was definitely my fault.

Speaker 1 (31:02):
This next one, what does that mean? Fault? What does
that mean? My fault?

Speaker 3 (31:08):
I broke his heart?

Speaker 1 (31:10):
How do you do that?

Speaker 3 (31:12):
When we were eighteen, I went to college and I
ended up becoming interested in somebody else, and then I
broke up with him because of it, and that was
really heartbreaking to him. But yet we still kind of
remained in contact, which I know was not great on
my part. So even when he's going through his heartbreak,

(31:33):
like I'm still talking to him and sometimes sharing too
much information on what I'm doing because I'm trying to
be honest and whatever. But then that next year, I
decided I didn't like the college thing and it just
went left. I wanted to get back together. I went
out there. I flew out to his state, and he

(31:54):
was secretly actually still talking to somebody, and even when
I left the next day, hooked up with that person.
So he hurt me the following year and then we've
talked about all of this already and then we were
able to move past it by like twenty twenty two
and you know, get back together and talk and talk

(32:16):
about the past. And this recently, this most recent breakup.
In October, I went out with my friends. I got
a little bit too it. I didn't have any ill
intention towards this, but there was an older gentleman who
brought brought us some drinks. I did let him know
I had I had a boyfriend, and later on he
left us alone. And later I saw him in the

(32:36):
in the club and I just wanted to ask him, like,
who are you because it seemed like he was either
a club owner or just had a lot of influence
in the clubs. I just wanted to know, like who
he was, And you know, he ended up asked when
I put his number on my phone. I think I
was just a little bit too nonchalant about it. I
let it happen, but I did have an inappropriate conversation

(32:58):
with him, and I was going to leap the number
set my phone died. The problem is that he was
able to wring his number through and he texted me
at three in the morning that night, and my ex
got so mad, literally grabbed all my stuff, like wanted
to kick me out of his house or his family's house,
and it was really crazy. We kind of worked past it,

(33:20):
but at the end of the day, it seemed like
that was a very big factor for why we broke up,
because he lost trust in me and he just didn't
trust that I wouldn't have someone's number in my phone
and I didn't tell him because I knew he would
react like that. But so it's been my fault. But
I know my therapist just told me that it's more

(33:41):
than just the number. So I'm trying to see past
just my action of the number. But it took a
long time to let go about shame and hurt. I
guess about hurting breaking his heart. So I didn't want
this breakup, but love it.

Speaker 1 (33:54):
I really, I really want to unlanguage you language that
you're using. It's somewhat troublesome to me. Okay, my fault.
You went out, had some drinks, made a poor choice
or a bad decision, and he got upset about it.
His upset is not your responsibility. We'll talk about that

(34:16):
right after this break Welcome back to the R spot.
Let's get back to the conversation. That's not your responsibility
his upset. All you can do is tell the truth
about what happened, ask for forgiveness for the poor choice
of the bad decision. But you can't somebody. How old

(34:37):
are you? Let me start there? Well, how old are you?
I'm going for Okay, Yes, that's some young and craziness
that I don't know nothing about your fault. You're in college,
you meet somebody, you want to see them at twenty two,
twenty years old, you seem to be taking on his

(34:57):
emotional insecure curity at twenty You have a right to
explore and investigate unless you have a commitment, unless you
and him have an agreement. Do you and him have
an agreement? I'm not going to see anybody else. It's
we're going to be in a monogamous relationship.

Speaker 3 (35:15):
Yeah, we are monogamous.

Speaker 1 (35:18):
Okay. So when you were seeing the other person in college,
he knew about that.

Speaker 3 (35:27):
It had been a boiling thing the more just like
flirtatious friendship with this other person, and I noticed how
I felt. I guess around, So I broke up or
went on a break quote unquote right before a kiss
actually happened with somebody else. And then later on, I
had to just officially break it up. I did it weird.

Speaker 1 (35:44):
I know y'all have never broken up. Stop that, just
stop that language. You have not broken up. That has
not happened. And nor do you have clear boundaries? Yeah,
clear boundaries in the relationship, clear boundaries about the relationship
and what you've got to start looking at because you've
said it's already happened. You hanging on to him, holding

(36:07):
on to him. What are you going to do when
he starts seeing somebody else.

Speaker 3 (36:12):
I'd like to think I'd be able to just toss
it out.

Speaker 1 (36:15):
And that is not going to happen. You know, you
were very young when you met, so it really sounds
like an attachment or, like I said, a habit. You
don't have an X. You've got a why? Why am
I still in this? Why am I still holding on?

(36:37):
Why am I still doing this? You don't have an X,
you got a why? And that's the question you have
to answer, Why am I still in this? Do you
still want to be in relationship with him? Or do
you not know how to not be in relation with
ship with him? And that's probably where the work is.
You've got to learn how not to be in relationship

(36:59):
with him as a partner lover, you know, and then
you can build a friendship with him because you got
to get some clear boundaries here. You don't have any boundaries.

Speaker 3 (37:11):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (37:14):
Sure?

Speaker 3 (37:14):
Do you believe that you could turn an attachment into
a healthy relationship? Like if it is an attachment relationship,
do you have to let go or does each individual
just have to do personal work to make it a
healthy relationship?

Speaker 1 (37:30):
Well, well, let me ask you this. What are the
three words you believe best described the current state of
your relationship? What are the words that best describe it
where you and he are right now? No?

Speaker 3 (37:48):
Trust, comfort, and love.

Speaker 1 (37:53):
I hate to tell you this, but if you ain't
got no trust, it ain't love. It's attachment. You can't
have love without trust because love keeps no record of
wrong Love does not itemize wrongdoings. Love doesn't do that.
Attachment does, habit does. And comfort I want to offer

(38:20):
you comfort or bowl because you are comfortab boul with him,
but not knowing what's going to happen, not being free,
not being free, It's like you're enslaved. You're not free,
and without freedom, there's always going to be an obligation

(38:43):
or an attachment or an entanglement. You've got to be free,
and it doesn't sound like you're free, And it doesn't
sound like either one of you have left the relationship,
and it sounds like you're just holding on to him
in case you don't find nobody else, then you can
go running back to him.

Speaker 3 (39:05):
Oh don't, I mean I would obviously I would like
to think. That's not what I'm doing.

Speaker 1 (39:11):
Right, Well, I can't think it. I'm looking at the evidence.
You can think it, and you take on the responsibility
for his emotional upset. It's my fault. No, I made
a poor choice, a bad decision, and it had a
negative impact. And either he's going to forgive me for it,

(39:32):
then we're going to move on or not. Now, I'm
not going to stay somewhere with somebody who's going to
beat me up for choices or decisions I made. And
if there's no trust, what are we doing? You trust
him enough to tell him all your business? He trusts
you enough to listen?

Speaker 3 (39:49):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (39:49):
Or you trust him he doesn't trust you.

Speaker 3 (39:52):
Yeah, I trust him. He doesn't trust me.

Speaker 1 (39:54):
So why do you want to be with a man
who doesn't trust you? Why? What belief does that reinforce.
Are you a middle child? Where are you in the
birth order? I'm the oldest, oh, the oldest of how many?

Speaker 3 (40:08):
Technically three? One is abroad, but technically three, I guess.

Speaker 1 (40:11):
Okay, if you could have done anything differently in this relationship,
what would it have been?

Speaker 2 (40:19):
Hmm.

Speaker 3 (40:20):
That's a difficult question because I am immediately just thinking
about ways in which I fractured it, I guess.

Speaker 1 (40:29):
But then that makes him your victim, and you don't
want to be in a relationship with a victim who
doesn't trust you, because they'll beat you up forever. They'll
beat you up forever.

Speaker 3 (40:41):
I don't understand it because he can't let go of it.
But yet I'm still someone who's close to his type,
or someone he clearly cares for and talks about relationship
with like. I don't know, I mean, obviously, I guess.
It's one of those things where I can love I
can love you to not trust you, I guess. But
it's kind of confusing because if you still see me

(41:03):
as a great person and as a great partner, then
I don't know why you couldn't let go of my mistake. Basically,
but at the end of the day, it is what
it is.

Speaker 1 (41:13):
Why was it a mistake? Your grown ass woman? You
took somebody's phone number, And if he doesn't trust you
enough to know I wasn't inappropriate with this person, then
then you're disrespecting me, You're dishonoring me. Now, I'm not
gonna live with that. Why was it a mistake for

(41:35):
you to do something in your life that, whether you
were lit or not, in the moment, felt appropriate. See,
he reminds you of somebody I don't know if it's
mommy or daddy, where you can never do it right.
No matter what you do, it ain't right. I don't
know who that is. Who is that?

Speaker 3 (41:54):
Probably my mom?

Speaker 1 (41:56):
Okay, so you're marrying your mom?

Speaker 3 (42:02):
Yeah, Mary, my mom.

Speaker 1 (42:03):
You all are not complete. You're not complete. He's not
an ex at all, and you're you're really you haven't
gotten a lesson, you haven't seen the beauty in it.
And you know if you're still holding in your mind.
He treats me special, and that's okay, even if he

(42:24):
doesn't trust me. He uh, you know, I'm comfortable with
him even though he doesn't trust me, and he makes
me wrong for what I do in my life. I'm
Okay with that. This is not over. So there's still
more for you to learn here, more for you to
grow here, more for you to heal here, and whether

(42:45):
or not you all will be together. He said, you
can't let go. You haven't made that choice.

Speaker 3 (42:52):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (42:53):
And if you want to transfigure this, if you want
to turn this into something else, the first thing that
you need is space distance and time distance and time.

Speaker 3 (43:07):
M I hear you.

Speaker 1 (43:08):
That makes sense, you know, And you know men play
like they're tough and hard and rough and ready, but
their hearts and their souls are really fragile, and it's
really their ego like who who and she had that's
better than me. He's going to keep remembering that.

Speaker 3 (43:33):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 1 (43:35):
So unfortunately you're not complete. I don't know what you
need to learn. Mm hm.

Speaker 3 (43:43):
I need to learn it fast though.

Speaker 1 (43:45):
Well you can learn it today. Yeah, by letting him
know I love you. You have a special place in
my heart. You always have a special place in my heart.
And I'm not going to talk to you for the
next three hundred and sixty five days until I can
heal that place. You could do that today, yeah, And

(44:09):
then the pain, the sadness that whatever comes up as
a result of letting him go. That's where you look,
that's where your healing is, that's where your work is.
But you keep avoiding that by running back and forth
to him, calling him, being comforted, getting your special treats

(44:29):
and creature comforts. Yes, let me just say this. I
think I've been here. Let me just think for a moment. YEP.
I spent forty years in a relationship with a man.
Forty how do you twenty four?

Speaker 2 (44:51):
Ah?

Speaker 1 (44:51):
Huh? Can you hear me?

Speaker 2 (44:55):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (44:56):
Forty years in a relationship, in and out of a
relation relationship well, with a boyfriend. Then he got married.
I got married, and we got back together and back
in forty fricking years until a dawned on me. I
love you, but we are not good together. We're just

(45:21):
not good together. And I don't have to stop loving you,
but I'm choosing not to be with you. That did
it for me, and we are still friends to this
very day. I happen to be one of those weird
people that I'm friends with all my exes, those who
are still living, and I talked to the ones that

(45:43):
ain't living. But I love you, but we are not
good for each other. We're not good together. I don't
have to stop loving you, but I refuse to be
in that kind of relationship with you. And it took
me almost three years with no contact, no communication, no anything.

(46:09):
Do you like chocolate? Do you like pie cake, cookies, candy?
What do you like?

Speaker 3 (46:14):
I have a big sweet too. I like it all
ice cream?

Speaker 1 (46:18):
Really? Okay? Do you eat it every single day?

Speaker 3 (46:21):
No?

Speaker 1 (46:23):
Why?

Speaker 3 (46:24):
Because when I also gain weight fast. So when I
eat my favorite sweeps too often, I notice the way games.

Speaker 1 (46:32):
Yeah it's not good for you. Yeah, it's just that simple.
It's not good for you. Don't mean you have to
stop loving it, but it's not good for you. So
you've got to get clear about how it's not good,
why it's not good, and what could possibly happen to

(46:52):
your butt if you continue to engage in eating it.
And it's the same thing with him. What's going to
happen into your heart if you continue to engage in
this with him? But you know what, I'm talking to you,
But I'm talking to the thirty year old you because
the twenty four year year old you you can't hear this.

(47:14):
I know you can't. You're gonna get off the phone.
With me and call him and tell him what I said.

Speaker 3 (47:23):
I hear you, I hear you. I really do want to.
I really do want to. I really do want to
listen and do better. I just like you said, it
could happen today. I'm not sure if it happened today,
maybe by the weekend and I can send that text
message for sure.

Speaker 1 (47:45):
Take it to your therapist, yes, that that why, or
to support you and understanding what is the benefit of
you continuing to stay and involved with him this way?
Is it a habit? Is it an attachment? Is their fear?

(48:07):
That's what you need to work through once you do that,
and why are you languaging it? As it's my fault?
Twenty years old? You can do what you want to do.
That's your time to explore an experiment. Who you were
at fourteen is not who you were at eighteen or
twenty certainly not who you are as twenty four. So

(48:29):
is it you at twenty four that loves him or
is it the fourteen year old inside of you that's
still attached to him because he was the first kiss,
in the first this and he made you feel good
and he made you feel special. But is that you
today are you current with who you are now or
are you allowing the fourteen year old self to still

(48:51):
remain attached to him? But see those are therapy questions.
That's not talking to a yamla on the radio. Question right,
here's a question. Do you want to pay the full
price now? Of cutting it? Getting clear? Moving on? Do

(49:14):
you want to pay the full price now? Or do
you want to pay little by little with great interest?
You know, when you pay your credit card, when you
only pay the minimum amount, half of that goes towards interest,
where you could bite the bullet and pay the card
off and be done with it. But if you pay

(49:35):
little by little, you're paying interest. So three years from now,
four years from now, you know, but you you still want,
you'll still be in it. You'll still be paying interest.
That's think about it that way. If you're not willing
to pay the price now, you'll just keep talking to

(49:59):
him and keep living your life and breaking your heart
and he won't trust you, and then you're guilty, and
then you'll spend you know, six nine months time to
make him trust you again. And I mean it's just
it's a vicious cycle. Yeah, pay it now in full
and shut it down or just keep paying in little

(50:20):
increments see what happens. That's the choice.

Speaker 3 (50:26):
No, I hear you, I take it. I will take
that advice, miss Las.

Speaker 1 (50:30):
Thank you, bless your little twenty four year old heart.
That is so sweet to be twenty four years old.
Oh my god, bye bye bye bye darling. Oh how
sweet it is to be young to be twenty four.

(50:54):
But I want you just to point out some things
here that because she's twenty four, but I'm sure they
are forty and fifty year olds doing the same thing
instead of cutting it or paying the full card off
and putting in it down, cutting it up, paying little
by little by little, just to see what's gonna happen.

(51:16):
You know, you get a little, you get, you pay
one hundred dollars, you go out and you spend seventy
five and then you're paying eighty in interest. Okay, don't
assume this thing is dead. If you continue to feed it,
either it's dead or it's not. And again, you know,

(51:39):
one of the things that I learned in my forty
year relationship. We met I was fourteen, he was seventeen,
and he was very supportive to me. I always say
he was the first man to ever hold my hand.
My father, my brother, my uncle, no man in my

(51:59):
life had ever held my hand. And I was in
a difficulty at fourteen, and he held my hand and
walked me through it. I had never had that experience,
and so I made up that he was somebody he wasn't.
And then, of course, you know, you become lovers or friends.

(52:20):
He went off and married somebody else. Eventually I had
a child and married somebody else, and then he was
in difficulty. He came back to me, so I got
to hold his hand and walk him through it. And
then we broke up. And then I was in a
difficulty and he came. I mean, it's a cycle. You

(52:42):
got to look at it. But until I made that awareness,
I love you. You hold a place in my heart.
But we are not good together. And I'm no longer
to make these tiny little payments of nine months, two years,

(53:04):
three years, you know, to see if my interests rate
is gonna go down. No longer willing to do that.
I'm gonna pay this off, cut the card up, and
move on, move on. My point is what brought you
together may not be enough to keep you together. But

(53:28):
you've got to be current in who you are now,
to have that understanding, that awareness, to have that recognition.
Are you loving this person? Are you with this person
because of who you are now? Or are you with
them because of what they provided for you, the need

(53:51):
they fulfilled when you met them. I hope that you
know something now that you didn't know. When you're tuned in,
and until we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces.
I'll see you next time. Bye. The R Spot is

(54:14):
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