February 21, 2024 • 39 mins
Iconic truth-teller and YouTube superstar Stephan Speaks shares the real real about how men exist in relationships. From men who never let themselves fall in love to the debate about how women don’t enjoy sex the same as men, Iyanla and Stephan dive into it all.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is
and what it is not. I want to share some
(00:22):
of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to
the Rspot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:46):
Greetings and grand rising to you. I am I on
the van ZANDT your guide, your support, facilitator, teacher for
some soft place for others. And this is the Our Spot,
the place that we come to talk about all things relationships,
all kinds of relationships, because relationships are one of the
(01:09):
most important elements of our life. Everything is a relationship, y'all. Everything,
how you eat, your money, when you see people in
the street, your body, everything is a relationship. And our
relationship with ourselves and our relationship with other people really
determine the course, the nature, the tone, the tenor of
(01:31):
our lives. So here at the Our Spot, we want
to touch that place in your relationships that'll help make
you better. And you know this season only our Spot,
I promised you I'm gonna do things differently because I
don't want to be an old dog that don't do
new tricks. Actually, I don't want to be a dog
at all. I just want to be old because you
(01:54):
don't have to age. You don't have to age, but
you've got to get older. So that's what I'm doing.
And this season, I'm bringing in other people to talk
to you about relationships. We've had guests, and I have
a guest today that I'm so excited about to introduce
you to in talking about relationships, and the thing that
(02:14):
I love. The thing that I love about this guest
is that this is a man who talks to women.
I love that because women talking to women, you know,
we don't pay each other no mine, and we get
defensive and we get resistant. But when you have a
fine young thing talking to you, and that what Michael
Jackson said, pretty young thing, No you said young, I'm
saying fine. You know when a woman says fine, you
(02:38):
talk about wine and that's not going to make you
drunk today. But no, I have a beautiful, beautiful brother
with me today. You've probably seen him on Instagram on YouTube.
I love the title of his book. He's lion siss
straight up. He lying. Any time a man is going
(02:58):
to give you the cheat cheet on how to deal
with his brothers, He's okay in my book. Please join
me and welcoming to the our spot. Stefan and you
know him from Stefan Speaks, Welcome to the spot.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Thank you for having me on.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I'm so cute're just so cutey p tuty. I can't
say fine because that's my cougar talking, So I want
to call you cutie. And then you know, I'm talking
to you like an elder, like a hanti. Okay, why
are you talking to women about men? Why are you
doing that?
Speaker 2 (03:34):
So the reality is that I speak to both men
and women, but I was just saying to someone the
other night, I, without any shame, I make women a
priority because I feel that women have a very powerful
level of influence and impact in the world. They are
(03:54):
our mothers, our sisters, wise girlfriends, you name it, and
so they're energy is extremely important because the woman's energy
has the power to dictate the whole room, the whole household.
So to me, I've used this saying before. I could
heal a thousand men, but they may not be able
to help heal a one woman, But if I hear
(04:15):
a thousand a one woman, she can help heal a
thousand men.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Because she's the mother.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Yes, she's a teacher, teacher exactly.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
You know, the honorable Elijah Muhammad said many many years ago,
if you educate a man, you educate a man, But
if you educate a woman, you educate a nation. Absolutely,
So that is how we're rolling. And some of the
things that you educate us about, I love it. I
love it. So I went through all of your YouTube
some of them I was fussing at you as some
(04:44):
of them. I was amen, Yes, And so I want
to just review with you some of the things that
you have said or I've heard you say, so we
can expound upon that. First of all, you said one thing.
I just want to start here why I think it's
so important that you're talking to women and men, Because
(05:07):
we're sick of it. We're done with y'all. We're done,
We're over it. Tired of being the sex partner, the housekeeper,
the babysitter, and a soft place to fall, Tired of
you not responding when we offer you an input. And
I'm not saying the way we do it is always
appropriate and correct, because it's not. But we're just sick
(05:29):
of it. We're sick of it. And more and more
women are opting to be alone rather than to put
up with the conflomeration and wahalla that you guys are living.
So I'm really grateful that you do this. Talk to
me about Let me find this one statement. There's a
lot more women with trauma stories than there are men.
(05:53):
Tell me what you know about that and why.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Well, I think we have to start with understanding how
women are a differently than men. They are more emotionally driven.
You know, people will argue, oh, men are just as emotional,
they're not as emotionally driven. What's happening is you're seeing
maybe more outbursts from men because men tend to suppress
so much and when it finally comes out, it just
(06:16):
pours out. But women feel constantly. Women are processing emotions constantly,
so they have a bigger impact on them.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
And include me say you y'all.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
So, you guys, because of this, the trauma is at
a higher level because there's more you're going to take
from each experience emotionally, men tend to be so much
more detached, so there's less of an impact on them
with each situation that they have. Now, don't get me wrong,
men have plenty of trauma plenty, but I would argue
(06:54):
that yes, women take in more by the nature of
how they are wired.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Because my focus this year in twenty twenty four is
really going to be on men. Tell me the impact
of men not knowing how to process their feelings, how
does that show up in our relationships?
Speaker 2 (07:14):
So it shows up one in So a lot of
men subconsciously are choosing women who they can and both
sides do this, but I think men aren't aware of
it at all. They're choosing women where they can maintain
a level of emotional control. So basically, you'll hear some
people on the internet say a man should not fall
(07:35):
in love with for women because when he falls in love,
he loses all rationale, all logical thinking. And what that
tells you is that a lot of men don't know
how to handle being in love. They don't know how
to handle those emotions. They got burned by it before.
So now the only way to not fall in love
again because no one chooses in that moment, let me
(07:57):
just fall in love. We don't say okay, I want them,
I'm gonna fall in love with them. It's something that
just occurs naturally. So in order to avoid it, you
have to basically consciously or subconsciously choose individuals you're not into.
Like that, really yes, because it's the only way you
can guarantee I won't cross this line. See, I like
(08:19):
them at a level eight, but they can't get me
to level nine or ten. That way, I won't ever
be in that Google guy got love that I felt
burning me before. But the problem for both men and
women is that they don't understand love was not the issue.
Fear was a lack of love was not understanding how
to process their emotions. Love does not hurt you. Love
(08:40):
is kind, Love is patient, love is considerate. Love never
did you wrong, but your fear and your thought that
I will lose this person, and then trying to hold
on to them, I lost myself. And once you start
to separate it, then you don't have to run from love.
But a lot of men due to their trauma, due
(09:01):
to heartbreak, because for a lot of guys, that's where
a lot of trauma is. It's either for most people,
it's going to be childhood and deep relationships, deep emotional relationships.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
I think the first place a man suffers heartbreak. And
I could be very wrong, but my experience, particularly with
my own son, I was the first woman to break
his heart. I think most mothers don't recognize how they
break their son's heart. They break their son's heart when
they emotionally abandon them. They break their son's heart when
(09:32):
they elevate them to the man of the house and
then don't and then chastise them when they can't hold
that responsibility or when they fail in that responsibility. I
think we break our son's heart by not affirming them,
by not acknowledging them. I think we break our son's
hearts by making them responsible for things that they're not
(09:56):
equipped to handle. I could be very wrong.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
No, I think it depends on the individual experience. I
think for some men that has been the case, and
all the things that you mentioned, especially the not affirming them,
I think has a big role. On the flip side,
you have some men who may not have been hurt
by their mother, but they've been what's the word I'm
looking for, they've been hindered by her. Yes, absolutely, because
she's overly calledled them. She's overly affirmed them. She's given
(10:23):
them no responsibility. Yes, and now this man grows up
looking for a new mother that he has sex with.
You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Oh, called incest. That's nasty.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
He's just looking for someone to replace her role, but
not in a healthy way because he does not know
how to stand on his own two feet. So it
can go both ways with that. But I do think
if you were to talk to a lot of men,
I come across more men who their heartbreak is a woman,
a woman that they felt deeply for, whether they were
in an actual relationship, whether they were a friend of
(10:56):
hers and wanted her bally and she went with someone else.
There's usually something like that of that nature in their life.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
How do I Okay, let's talk about that. And this
is not the direction I thought we were going. But
since we go on in this direction, let's just go
on in this direction. We'll talk about that when they
come back. Welcome back to the rspot. Let's pick up
where we left off. How do women break men's hearts?
(11:26):
Tell us how we do that?
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Where did we start?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
So listen, give me the top three, Give me the
top three.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Well, the top number one is just flat out rejection. Okay,
well maybe we don't like you, granted, but it's still
heartbreaking to that man. But it's rejection in the face
of I'm trying to love you and give you good
So number two, which is attached to number one, it's
not only the rejection, but you rejected me for I
(11:54):
hate to say, like this, for that trash of a man.
You went to, this man over here that we all
saw was toxic, unhealthy guy. Yes, doesn't do you right.
I'm here trying to love you and you still choose him.
That's heartbreak. Number two, that just compounded number one.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Well, you know, because I gotta stick up for the sisters.
I'm a good woman, I'm a clean woman, and you
go over there and get the thought.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
You're a lot of men, yes, done with it, And
so I think, so let's touch on that for a second,
because here's what both sides are missing in that dynamic.
I always say, a lot of men say, oh, these
women just want thugs and bad boys, and I tell them, like, listen,
it's not that he's a thug or a bad boy.
Is that he exudes certain masculine traits that women are
(12:41):
drawn to, and they would rather deal with a thug
bad boy with those masculine traits or those perceived traits,
than to deal with who they view as too soft
and I have to toughen them up. See, it's easier
for a woman to say, let me take the really
hard guy and try to soften them up than the
soft guy and try to harden them up, because that
to her true nature. Her nature truly is on the
(13:03):
softer side, not the hardest side. On the flip side,
men aren't going to the thought because she's a thought.
No man wakes up and says, I can't wait till
I marry a hope like that doesn't it doesn't happen
like that. That's not the dream that men have. It's
just that the quote unquote thought possess certain traits and
qualities that men are drawn to. And again, men will
(13:27):
over many men, despite what they may claim, will overlook
that perceived thoughtness, so to speak, because she's exuding those
other things such as what like what that feminine energy,
that that sexual energy?
Speaker 1 (13:41):
That its feminine or the sexual because a good girl,
she has a lot of feminine energy.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
No, a lot of good girls have very neutral energy.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
So you don't have to tell me because I know
about that.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Yes, it's like they think being calm and cool is
being feminine. No, you're neutral. You're not expressing desire, you're
not showing interest. So I always say, if you pay attention,
a lot of people, both men and women, they may
have a good person and let's say a crazy person,
and a lot of times they choose the crazy person
to be with. Why Because the crazy person shows them desire,
(14:17):
makes them feel wanted. And a lot of times these
good people think just laying back, sitting back and because
I'm good, you should pick me. But they're not expressive.
They're not seductive, they're not affectionate in a way that
draws that person in. So a perfect example of that
feminine energy that the quote unquote thought may give. An
(14:39):
analogy I'll use is I tell women, if you were
to ever go to a strip club, all right, and
you paid attention, the woman who can make the most
money isn't necessarily. The woman that looks the best is
not necessary. The woman has the best body, the one
who talks to the custom of the best, the one
who comes with that certain energy that makes the man
feel good about himself. That's the thing that they're drawn to.
(15:02):
And the reality is that the quote unquote perceived thought,
and sometimes it's just a perception. She's not actually no, you.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Don't know what I say. I say, and I'm real
clear about it. I didn't understand it for a long
time and I denied it. I'm not a hoe, but
I'm hoish. I'm hoish. I know how to do that thing.
I really do, and you know, I want to teach
women how to do it, how to walk, because a
woman who knows who she is can walk in the
(15:33):
room and take total control of a man's body. She
don't have to touch it, she don't have to even
go near it, but she can drop that wholeness on
and work the room. But we have been taught, particularly
those of us who grew up in the church, that
that's bad, that that's wrong. So I ain't a hoe,
but I am hoish.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
And that's why we have to separate the behavior from
the energy. Yes, no one's saying to be a whole
in behavior, so to speak, but yes, you have to
exude that energy, that femininity, that desired, that seductiveness. Like
I have this thing where I tell people what I've
seen from both sex is that you know, a lot
of men on the internet say they don't want a
(16:16):
woman that has.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
A pass but that has a pass.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
But tons of men you didn't.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Want a woman that has a who got a pass.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
They want skilled without the.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Experience that acquire that. That's ridiculous.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
But the thing is, despite them saying that, if they
meet a woman they like and she has a pass
and nobody knows about it, they go with it. They
don't make an issue about it. It's only when it's
known in public that it becomes a problem. And the
funny thing is women do the same thing on the
flip side, but not with sexual pass. With if he's
(16:53):
broke or not. A lot of women will get online
and say I won't they have broke man, this, that
and the other. But if they meet a man and
they like him and it turns out he's broke, as
long as.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
The world broke, okay, she will deal.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
With amount of times. And so that's the thing. What
people claim they want idealistically is not how things play
out realistically, and so, but it doesn't change the fact
that there will still be people who will have their
perceptions of you based on certain behaviors.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Okay, I want to go back to wholeness and hooker
in and whatever moment. And this is what I want.
This is what I want women to know. For me,
it's not the actual physical act. It's the exchange of
energy as a woman. Every time a man makes a
(17:45):
deposit in you, he is stepping into your space, into
your world. And I tell women all of the time,
one of the reasons that you can't find a man
today is because you've still got so many attached. You're
still in the bed with the other two or three.
Because as women, we are receptacles. We are receptacle energy,
(18:06):
and so we receive that energy. And there's ways that
we need to clean ourselves up in order to clean
away our past. So it's not that she's doing all
of this with all of these men. It's that he's
making deposits in her energy that she doesn't know about,
which brings me to my next topic, cheating or not
(18:27):
being honest when you're in a relationship, because you and
I are together, and you're over there with Katrina and
Cafada and whoever else, and you bring that home to me,
and so I'm in relationship now with her, and I
didn't make that choice. That's my problem with it. So
(18:49):
talk to me about cheating. Man.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Cheating is such a delicate topic, but I do believe
it's a very misunderstood issue. You know. I don't like
the people who say, well, and let me make sure
I clarify this. They'll say, it's never the fault of
the person who got cheated on, right, It's always the cheater.
It's always the cheating. So the minute someone cheats, it's
(19:12):
on them. That's it and the story. And I think
that's very dangerous to tell people this because some people
are continuously being cheated on because they're not identifying certain
negative patterns within themselves that lead down that path. One
quick example was there was a man who reached out
to me and he was swearing off Christian women, and
I'm like, what's going on? And he said, he been
cheated on twice before, and now this third woman who
(19:35):
was his fiance cheated on him with his baby's mother's BOYFRIENDY.
And so he's like, I'm done with these women. But
I was like, Okay, if you got cheated on three
times in a row in your last three relationships, there's
something you're overlooking. We can't just say women are horrible.
(19:57):
What's going on? So we dig deeper, and what it
turned out was he was the type of guy that thought,
if I pay the bills, my job is done. Old school, Oh,
you don't need to do anything else. You should be happy.
So these women were drawn to the financial security but
were left void emotionally, and that just opens the door
to people entertaining someone else. And so the same thing
(20:20):
happens on the flip side, where you have some women
who will lure a man in with how she initially
acts sexually. Because I've heard so many stories, I said
that I was so many couples and she knows she
can't sustain that.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
It's my hand, put yourself down.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
And then it turns into a marriage that has all
this sexual neglect. And then when he finally does cheat,
if he does cheat, it's, oh, it's he's the problem.
You can't do that because.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
I was neglectful. I was just tired by the time.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
You know what, and listen, sometimes there's understandable reasons. But
I'll give another example. There was one time where a
man he was married to a woman. They were already
kind of rocky with the sex, but then she had
some kind of issue. I think she had assist in
her uterus. So the doctor said, Okay, for the next
six months, there's gonna be no sex. The husband was like,
(21:18):
all right, I'm a supporter. I understand, we're good, you know, and.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
There's a distinction. But I don't want you to stop
your story. But I just want our listeners to know
that there's a distinction between sex and intercourse. So for
six months, there's no intercourse, but they could have still
made love and done all manner of wonderfulness exactly. Don't
ask me how I know these things.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
He was still, he was still very accommodating, very understanding.
His mindset was, I'm gonna be a good husband. But
once this is all, we're past this. We're gonna get
back to being more intigivement and having more sexual intercourse.
Six months past, she finishes her process, she's good. Not
only is she now healed, the even tells her, it's
(22:01):
actually a good idea that you start having sex right now.
And what happened They still didn't have sex. Why that's
the thing. The reality is that a lot of women
are not being honest with men about one what they
need to be sexually receptive to them to the fact
that they get with men they're not sexually satisfied by.
(22:22):
So you have this phenomena where the woman meets this
great guy, she likes him, she feel like she can
have a relationship with him, but the sex is not
what it needs to be. But for her, it's like,
I don't want to rock the boat and lose this man,
so I'm gonna act like the sex is good. I'm
gonna just roll with this. Or she's riding off the
high from having the potential of finally getting married and
(22:43):
having that long lasting relationship, and that high is enough
to push her through these sexual moments and have her
be excited. But once the goal is achieved and there
is marriage, now the smoke is cleared and the reality
is she never really liked it. I know, if one
woman where she has several sexual partners, let's say she
(23:04):
had seven. Six out of the seven it was very
block but there's one out of the seven that it's amazing,
and the way that she shows up sexually for him
is night and day compared to the other six she experienced.
All right, Okay, So part of that is because for
a lot of women, the connection outside the bedroom will
dictate the connection inside.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
The bedroom absolutely for all women.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
So I do think some women have gotten to a
place of in being so in tune with themselves, in
their body and other thing how to enjoy sex, that
they can still handle that lack of connection better than
the next woman can. Okay, all right, And so even
speaking to that, part of the reason why a lot
of women don't even enjoy sex, I believe is because
(23:49):
there's so much in their head and they don't allow
themselves to enjoy in that process, which is why we
now have the issue of how the toxic man tends
to be better in bed for a lot of women.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
And mercy sleeping with toxic But.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Let me tell you, I believe that what's happening is
so when a woman is truly emotionally invested into a
man and more vulnerable, she is going to be more like,
am I doing it right? What does he think of me?
She's processing all these things. This is going to hinder
her ability to enjoy the experience. When she's dating the
(24:28):
toxic man that she knows is toxic, and she knows
there's no real future with this man, she no longer
cares her emotions aren't tied to it, so he's like
a life sized dildo to her. She's going in strictly
for enjoyment. So now it is not that he's that
much better, it's that she unlocks the door to allow
(24:49):
herself to enjoy it at a much higher level. And
if she can transfer that kind of mindset to the
man she loves, she would experience a much greater sexual
experience with that man. A lot to it.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
This is the Our Spot and we are really talking
about relationships, although we seem to be stuck on sex.
So when we come back from this break, I promise
you we are going to talk about relationships and sex.
We'll be right back. Welcome back to the Our Spot.
(25:26):
My guest today is Stefan, a certified relationship and dating coach,
and I don't know how we fell into the whole
talking about sex, but it's been twice. I know, holes
and sex and toxic men, but here at the Our Spot,
we want to talk about what's real and what's raw,
and what it is that makes our relationships work and
(25:47):
what it is that doesn't make them work. I want
to go back to this topic for one second because
on one of your podcasts you talked about a woman
who was not sexually attracted to a man, but was
with him because he paid the bills. And I want
to talk about that for a moment, and not from
(26:09):
her perspective, from his perspective. If he's is he paying
for sex? I mean, really, he's paying for sex, and
that's okay.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
For a lot of men, all they care about is
the end result, which is which is getting the sex,
which is her time and attention during that moment, and
being able to have more authority, I guess in that situation,
because he's just taking care of everything for some men.
For some men there's a level of wanting that authority.
And when I say authority, it's like, okay, in a
(26:40):
casual situation or a situation he's paying for sex. What
he likes about that is I don't have to invest
emotionally in this, all right, And he gets to control, yeah,
and he has actually more say so in what he desires,
because if you're just establishing a loving relationship, there's more
of a give and take there in a very transaction relationship.
(27:00):
Is hey, I give you this in return for this.
That's it in the story, and either you're with it
or you're not. But in a romantic relationship he has
to be more flexible and more considerate how she feels
in that moment. If he's paying for it, he don't.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Care because for me, that's just you know, a private
enterprise prostitution, you know, And I guess that can work,
because you know, I gave it away for love and
didn't get the bills paid. I just wondering, maybe I.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Don't know.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
It's just so you know, today we are just so
depraved and everything and how we do everything. There's just
such a level of baseness and depravity, and it really
it hurts me for women because this is not going
to be good because as we continue to bring children
(28:02):
into it, and as an elder now I'm always everything
I do, I'm wondering with the women behind me when
they look at me, what do they see? You know.
I can talk about all of it, and I've been
through a lot of it, But what I want to
demonstrate is something completely different and some of the things
that I see men doing today and the behavior it's
(28:27):
not good for those coming up underneath them. I want
to ask you this question, where do men learn how
to manage their emotions and develop an emotional vocabulary, because
one of the things that I find with men is
they do not have a very sophisticated emotional library, a vocabulary.
It's either good, bad, right, wrong, fair, unfair, happy, sad,
(28:49):
that's it. I mean. They don't know about anxiety. They
don't know about frustration, they don't know about disappointment. Although
they experience, they don't talk about it. Insecurity, inadequacy, because
what I've learned is inadequacy is to kryptonite to man.
If he feels he's inadequate in any way, he goes crazy.
But where do men learn to manage and handle their emotions.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
I mean most men don't have anywhere. They don't in
the natural flow of their life. They don't learn it
from anywhere. I was just speaking to my barber earlier,
and he was saying, how you know he struggled sometimes
in relationship because he saw I think it was his
father or a family member. Whenever that the baby's mother
was upset, he just gave him money. Yes, okay, So
(29:33):
to him, that's the answer. He doesn't understand. You need
to communicate, you need to be able to express things,
and that's just not a place he's been comfortable with
so for a lot of it.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
Is it that he's not comfortable or is it that
he doesn't know how, But rather than admit that he's
inadequate in that area, he comes it up with dollarbility.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
I think it's both. I think it's it's he doesn't
know how in one sense, but also not comfortable because
he's never he hasn't been there, he hasn't lived in
that place, and you don't know what's coming from that.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
You know.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
One of the fears a lot of men have in
opening up and being more expressive is the woman throwing
it back in their face. And a lot of men
have experienced that.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
I want you to I want you to say that
again to all of you are spot women out there listening,
say that again.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
A lot of men are afraid to open up because
the fear of the women throwing it back in their face.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
And we're historians, and we'll go back and dig up
something for fifty six. Well, when you said so and
so and so so, ladies, you're hearing that, don't do that.
And we do it to our sons also, hell y'all
do it to each other. A lot of women to
bring that in.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
A lot of women will not. I always laugh when
some women swear they know everything about their friend, and
I'm like, no, there's things you don't know because she knows.
If she tells you and y'all ever have a fallen out,
you will use it against her. So she will go
to the grave with some of this information. She'll be
quicker to tell a guy friend than she will have.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
It's true that you know. I want you all to
hear this is a man speaking to us about how
we be, how we be with each other. Yeah. So
men don't learn how to process even identify emotions.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
I mean the way that they learn. Those who do
learn are those who go on that discovery, that path
of trying to understand, trying to grow. Also, those who
may be in certain environments are forced to learn, so
to speak. But you know, the everyday man, if he's
not making that intentional choice to go learn, where is
(31:38):
he really going to get it from?
Speaker 1 (31:39):
Well, so I want to I want to support us
and women and also push us women to say that
it's it is. I think it is incumbent upon us
as women to begin to raise our sons and in
my case, grandsons and great grandsons with a level of
(32:00):
emotional sensitivity and awareness and vocabulary. Because we're raising other
people's fathers and husbands, I think it's incumbent upon us
to make the space for our sons, grandsons, brothers, fathers.
Because every man is raised by a woman or not
(32:22):
raised by a woman, and it's going to impact how
he is in relationships. So I think it's incumbent upon us.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
So what.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Because men aren't very often emotionally closed or guarded when
an emotional man shows up, how do we handle it?
As women? How do we men crying? And all of
you know, because of what I do, that doesn't bother me.
But most women see a man cry or get into
(32:54):
his feelings, as you would say, they don't know what
to do with that. What do you do with that? Well?
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Think all the man needs you to be is consoled.
It's the same way if you had a son, what
would you do. You'd rub his bag. You're gonna tell
me it's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
No, we tell him stop that crying. Boys don't cry.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
Yeah, So that's what you shouldn't be doing. And the
thing is this, though, I will say this to the
whole boys don't cry issue. We have to learn to, yes,
encourage our boys to be expressive, but we should not.
But we have to teach them not to be emotionally unstable,
right and not to be You did a.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Video on that man, an emotionally unstable man, exactly.
Speaker 2 (33:36):
And so the example I give is that if a
child comes to you and they're all whining, crying and
they're frantic, you still want them to calm down and
use their words and express themselves, but you just don't say, okay,
just keep crying and keep being frantic. So I think
some people have taken it to the wrong end of
the spectrum and say, yes, let these boys just be
all emotional all over the place, and it's like no, no, no, no.
(33:58):
They still have to learn how to reel it in.
But then yes, express themselves properly. And so when that
man comes to you crying and being emotional, yes, I
think it's about being that soft place for him right there,
being that peace, being that encourager speaking life into him
in that moment. That's what he needs. But I also
(34:18):
do tell men that understand, like I believe, the issue
is less about the man crying to the woman and
a lot of times. What he's crying about?
Speaker 1 (34:28):
All right, okay, and and tell me more about that too.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
So I give you an example. I have a friend
and he was like, he he knows his woman who
left his left her guy after she lost after he
lost her his job. I said, that's all that happened?
You sure like she does up and left the minute
after he lost his job.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
I was like, no, there's got to be something else
to this. He said, well, okay, technically she did tell
me that. It was a month or two after he
lost his job, and every day since he lost his job,
he was moping, he was whining, he was dwelling in negativity.
I said, that's why she left. You can't. It's one
thing to have a moment of vulnerability. It's another thing
(35:09):
to live in that. And I think, what a lot
of men don't realize a lot of people don't realize.
A lot of men aren't as masculine as they think
and want to believe they are. They have not evolved
and developed the way that they think they have.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Well, what does that mean they're not as masculine as
they think they are. What does that mean they.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
Are not as poised and being able to manage their emotions.
They are not as strong in the sense of being
able to face adversity and find ways to overcome it
all right. They crumble in the face of it. And
for a woman, she does not want a man who's
gonna crumble anytime something goes wrong. She wants a man
that she can feel like, that's my rock. He's gonna fight,
(35:48):
and he's gonna make sure we're good. At least he's
gonna fight to make sure we're good. Even if he
can't fully succeed, he's gonna put his best foot forward.
A lot of men aren't as tough as they proclaim
or try to give off to the world. So what
happens is when he finally has that moment that quote
unquote breaks him, his true self starts to show that
(36:09):
weaker self that never developed, and she starts to realize,
wait a minute, this ain't the guy thought he was
all right. So now to the world, is she left
him because that thing happened? But in many cases, no,
it's because who he's now showing himself to be she
can't stomach and deal with. Oh, she doesn't know, yes,
And so look at it this way. Let's flip it.
(36:30):
It's almost like if a man got with a woman
because initially she was being all sweet and feminine in
all these things, and then something happens where she just
turns negative. Right now, if she just has a negative moment,
he's gonna be willing to look past that. But what
happens if she now lives in that negativity and it
(36:51):
carries on for months and months, There's gonna be a
lot of men that say, I don't want this anymore. Yeah,
you know. Now, some will struggle to walk away. Then
that's for other reasons, but people don't realize what's going
on behind closed doors is a lot deeper than what
we're seeing on the surface. And so going back to
the whole men opening up and being vulnerable. I do
(37:11):
think that men have to learn what I tell men
on because I have a channel for men as well.
I tell them being vulnerable will help you expose what
kind of women you're dealing with.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Okay, right now, you know, in defense of my women, sisters,
my sister women, my sister women, I have to say,
some of us don't know how to process our emotions
because we were talked out of them, beaten out of them,
frightened out of them. So we don't even know what
we're looking at. Because for me, a man in his
and that's me, I'm old, So pay me no mind.
(37:44):
A man in his heart and feelings if he can
articulate it, which is usually where the problem comes. They
don't have a language for it. They don't know how
to articulate it. That doesn't frighten me as much as
one who's who says he has no fear, because that's
the boy that's gonna slit your throat when you sleep,
and I'll punch you in your eye one day. I'm
(38:06):
scared of him. One who can't articulate it, I'll struggle
with you. Let's find a word. But so many women
are out of their emotional self also, until what else
gonna do? I just it's just talking about this is
depressingly well.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
This highlights, This highlights the real issue. The real issue
is people lack healings.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Wait a minute, lait a minute. I would stop right
there because I'm gonna I want you to come back,
and that's where we're gonna start. If you've been listening,
I've been with stefan certified relationship and dating coach, and
we've been talking about the intricacies, the ins and outs
of our relationships. Stefan and I will be back next week,
(38:56):
so we'll see you then. In the meantime, stay in
peace and not in peace. The R Spot is a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
(39:19):
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was
a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is
and what it is not. I want to share some
(00:22):
of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to
the Rspot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:46):
Greetings and grand rising to you. I am I on
the van ZANDT your guide, your support, facilitator, teacher for
some soft place for others. And this is the Our Spot,
the place that we come to talk about all things relationships,
all kinds of relationships, because relationships are one of the
(01:09):
most important elements of our life. Everything is a relationship, y'all. Everything,
how you eat, your money, when you see people in
the street, your body, everything is a relationship. And our
relationship with ourselves and our relationship with other people really
determine the course, the nature, the tone, the tenor of
(01:31):
our lives. So here at the Our Spot, we want
to touch that place in your relationships that'll help make
you better. And you know this season only our Spot,
I promised you I'm gonna do things differently because I
don't want to be an old dog that don't do
new tricks. Actually, I don't want to be a dog
at all. I just want to be old because you
(01:54):
don't have to age. You don't have to age, but
you've got to get older. So that's what I'm doing.
And this season, I'm bringing in other people to talk
to you about relationships. We've had guests, and I have
a guest today that I'm so excited about to introduce
you to in talking about relationships, and the thing that
(02:14):
I love. The thing that I love about this guest
is that this is a man who talks to women.
I love that because women talking to women, you know,
we don't pay each other no mine, and we get
defensive and we get resistant. But when you have a
fine young thing talking to you, and that what Michael
Jackson said, pretty young thing, No you said young, I'm
saying fine. You know when a woman says fine, you
(02:38):
talk about wine and that's not going to make you
drunk today. But no, I have a beautiful, beautiful brother
with me today. You've probably seen him on Instagram on YouTube.
I love the title of his book. He's lion siss
straight up. He lying. Any time a man is going
(02:58):
to give you the cheat cheet on how to deal
with his brothers, He's okay in my book. Please join
me and welcoming to the our spot. Stefan and you
know him from Stefan Speaks, Welcome to the spot.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Thank you for having me on.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I'm so cute're just so cutey p tuty. I can't
say fine because that's my cougar talking, So I want
to call you cutie. And then you know, I'm talking
to you like an elder, like a hanti. Okay, why
are you talking to women about men? Why are you
doing that?
Speaker 2 (03:34):
So the reality is that I speak to both men
and women, but I was just saying to someone the
other night, I, without any shame, I make women a
priority because I feel that women have a very powerful
level of influence and impact in the world. They are
(03:54):
our mothers, our sisters, wise girlfriends, you name it, and
so they're energy is extremely important because the woman's energy
has the power to dictate the whole room, the whole household.
So to me, I've used this saying before. I could
heal a thousand men, but they may not be able
to help heal a one woman, But if I hear
(04:15):
a thousand a one woman, she can help heal a
thousand men.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Because she's the mother.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Yes, she's a teacher, teacher exactly.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
You know, the honorable Elijah Muhammad said many many years ago,
if you educate a man, you educate a man, But
if you educate a woman, you educate a nation. Absolutely,
So that is how we're rolling. And some of the
things that you educate us about, I love it. I
love it. So I went through all of your YouTube
some of them I was fussing at you as some
(04:44):
of them. I was amen, Yes, And so I want
to just review with you some of the things that
you have said or I've heard you say, so we
can expound upon that. First of all, you said one thing.
I just want to start here why I think it's
so important that you're talking to women and men, Because
(05:07):
we're sick of it. We're done with y'all. We're done,
We're over it. Tired of being the sex partner, the housekeeper,
the babysitter, and a soft place to fall, Tired of
you not responding when we offer you an input. And
I'm not saying the way we do it is always
appropriate and correct, because it's not. But we're just sick
(05:29):
of it. We're sick of it. And more and more
women are opting to be alone rather than to put
up with the conflomeration and wahalla that you guys are living.
So I'm really grateful that you do this. Talk to
me about Let me find this one statement. There's a
lot more women with trauma stories than there are men.
(05:53):
Tell me what you know about that and why.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Well, I think we have to start with understanding how
women are a differently than men. They are more emotionally driven.
You know, people will argue, oh, men are just as emotional,
they're not as emotionally driven. What's happening is you're seeing
maybe more outbursts from men because men tend to suppress
so much and when it finally comes out, it just
(06:16):
pours out. But women feel constantly. Women are processing emotions constantly,
so they have a bigger impact on them.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
And include me say you y'all.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
So, you guys, because of this, the trauma is at
a higher level because there's more you're going to take
from each experience emotionally, men tend to be so much
more detached, so there's less of an impact on them
with each situation that they have. Now, don't get me wrong,
men have plenty of trauma plenty, but I would argue
(06:54):
that yes, women take in more by the nature of
how they are wired.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Because my focus this year in twenty twenty four is
really going to be on men. Tell me the impact
of men not knowing how to process their feelings, how
does that show up in our relationships?
Speaker 2 (07:14):
So it shows up one in So a lot of
men subconsciously are choosing women who they can and both
sides do this, but I think men aren't aware of
it at all. They're choosing women where they can maintain
a level of emotional control. So basically, you'll hear some
people on the internet say a man should not fall
(07:35):
in love with for women because when he falls in love,
he loses all rationale, all logical thinking. And what that
tells you is that a lot of men don't know
how to handle being in love. They don't know how
to handle those emotions. They got burned by it before.
So now the only way to not fall in love
again because no one chooses in that moment, let me
(07:57):
just fall in love. We don't say okay, I want them,
I'm gonna fall in love with them. It's something that
just occurs naturally. So in order to avoid it, you
have to basically consciously or subconsciously choose individuals you're not into.
Like that, really yes, because it's the only way you
can guarantee I won't cross this line. See, I like
(08:19):
them at a level eight, but they can't get me
to level nine or ten. That way, I won't ever
be in that Google guy got love that I felt
burning me before. But the problem for both men and
women is that they don't understand love was not the issue.
Fear was a lack of love was not understanding how
to process their emotions. Love does not hurt you. Love
(08:40):
is kind, Love is patient, love is considerate. Love never
did you wrong, but your fear and your thought that
I will lose this person, and then trying to hold
on to them, I lost myself. And once you start
to separate it, then you don't have to run from love.
But a lot of men due to their trauma, due
(09:01):
to heartbreak, because for a lot of guys, that's where
a lot of trauma is. It's either for most people,
it's going to be childhood and deep relationships, deep emotional relationships.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
I think the first place a man suffers heartbreak. And
I could be very wrong, but my experience, particularly with
my own son, I was the first woman to break
his heart. I think most mothers don't recognize how they
break their son's heart. They break their son's heart when
they emotionally abandon them. They break their son's heart when
(09:32):
they elevate them to the man of the house and
then don't and then chastise them when they can't hold
that responsibility or when they fail in that responsibility. I
think we break our son's heart by not affirming them,
by not acknowledging them. I think we break our son's
hearts by making them responsible for things that they're not
(09:56):
equipped to handle. I could be very wrong.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
No, I think it depends on the individual experience. I
think for some men that has been the case, and
all the things that you mentioned, especially the not affirming them,
I think has a big role. On the flip side,
you have some men who may not have been hurt
by their mother, but they've been what's the word I'm
looking for, they've been hindered by her. Yes, absolutely, because
she's overly calledled them. She's overly affirmed them. She's given
(10:23):
them no responsibility. Yes, and now this man grows up
looking for a new mother that he has sex with.
You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Oh, called incest. That's nasty.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
He's just looking for someone to replace her role, but
not in a healthy way because he does not know
how to stand on his own two feet. So it
can go both ways with that. But I do think
if you were to talk to a lot of men,
I come across more men who their heartbreak is a woman,
a woman that they felt deeply for, whether they were
in an actual relationship, whether they were a friend of
(10:56):
hers and wanted her bally and she went with someone else.
There's usually something like that of that nature in their life.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
How do I Okay, let's talk about that. And this
is not the direction I thought we were going. But
since we go on in this direction, let's just go
on in this direction. We'll talk about that when they
come back. Welcome back to the rspot. Let's pick up
where we left off. How do women break men's hearts?
(11:26):
Tell us how we do that?
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Where did we start?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
So listen, give me the top three, Give me the
top three.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Well, the top number one is just flat out rejection. Okay,
well maybe we don't like you, granted, but it's still
heartbreaking to that man. But it's rejection in the face
of I'm trying to love you and give you good
So number two, which is attached to number one, it's
not only the rejection, but you rejected me for I
(11:54):
hate to say, like this, for that trash of a man.
You went to, this man over here that we all
saw was toxic, unhealthy guy. Yes, doesn't do you right.
I'm here trying to love you and you still choose him.
That's heartbreak. Number two, that just compounded number one.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Well, you know, because I gotta stick up for the sisters.
I'm a good woman, I'm a clean woman, and you
go over there and get the thought.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
You're a lot of men, yes, done with it, And
so I think, so let's touch on that for a second,
because here's what both sides are missing in that dynamic.
I always say, a lot of men say, oh, these
women just want thugs and bad boys, and I tell them, like, listen,
it's not that he's a thug or a bad boy.
Is that he exudes certain masculine traits that women are
(12:41):
drawn to, and they would rather deal with a thug
bad boy with those masculine traits or those perceived traits,
than to deal with who they view as too soft
and I have to toughen them up. See, it's easier
for a woman to say, let me take the really
hard guy and try to soften them up than the
soft guy and try to harden them up, because that
to her true nature. Her nature truly is on the
(13:03):
softer side, not the hardest side. On the flip side,
men aren't going to the thought because she's a thought.
No man wakes up and says, I can't wait till
I marry a hope like that doesn't it doesn't happen
like that. That's not the dream that men have. It's
just that the quote unquote thought possess certain traits and
qualities that men are drawn to. And again, men will
(13:27):
over many men, despite what they may claim, will overlook
that perceived thoughtness, so to speak, because she's exuding those
other things such as what like what that feminine energy,
that that sexual energy?
Speaker 1 (13:41):
That its feminine or the sexual because a good girl,
she has a lot of feminine energy.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
No, a lot of good girls have very neutral energy.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
So you don't have to tell me because I know
about that.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Yes, it's like they think being calm and cool is
being feminine. No, you're neutral. You're not expressing desire, you're
not showing interest. So I always say, if you pay attention,
a lot of people, both men and women, they may
have a good person and let's say a crazy person,
and a lot of times they choose the crazy person
to be with. Why Because the crazy person shows them desire,
(14:17):
makes them feel wanted. And a lot of times these
good people think just laying back, sitting back and because
I'm good, you should pick me. But they're not expressive.
They're not seductive, they're not affectionate in a way that
draws that person in. So a perfect example of that
feminine energy that the quote unquote thought may give. An
(14:39):
analogy I'll use is I tell women, if you were
to ever go to a strip club, all right, and
you paid attention, the woman who can make the most
money isn't necessarily. The woman that looks the best is
not necessary. The woman has the best body, the one
who talks to the custom of the best, the one
who comes with that certain energy that makes the man
feel good about himself. That's the thing that they're drawn to.
(15:02):
And the reality is that the quote unquote perceived thought,
and sometimes it's just a perception. She's not actually no, you.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Don't know what I say. I say, and I'm real
clear about it. I didn't understand it for a long
time and I denied it. I'm not a hoe, but
I'm hoish. I'm hoish. I know how to do that thing.
I really do, and you know, I want to teach
women how to do it, how to walk, because a
woman who knows who she is can walk in the
(15:33):
room and take total control of a man's body. She
don't have to touch it, she don't have to even
go near it, but she can drop that wholeness on
and work the room. But we have been taught, particularly
those of us who grew up in the church, that
that's bad, that that's wrong. So I ain't a hoe,
but I am hoish.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
And that's why we have to separate the behavior from
the energy. Yes, no one's saying to be a whole
in behavior, so to speak, but yes, you have to
exude that energy, that femininity, that desired, that seductiveness. Like
I have this thing where I tell people what I've
seen from both sex is that you know, a lot
of men on the internet say they don't want a
(16:16):
woman that has.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
A pass but that has a pass.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
But tons of men you didn't.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Want a woman that has a who got a pass.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
They want skilled without the.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Experience that acquire that. That's ridiculous.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
But the thing is, despite them saying that, if they
meet a woman they like and she has a pass
and nobody knows about it, they go with it. They
don't make an issue about it. It's only when it's
known in public that it becomes a problem. And the
funny thing is women do the same thing on the
flip side, but not with sexual pass. With if he's
(16:53):
broke or not. A lot of women will get online
and say I won't they have broke man, this, that
and the other. But if they meet a man and
they like him and it turns out he's broke, as
long as.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
The world broke, okay, she will deal.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
With amount of times. And so that's the thing. What
people claim they want idealistically is not how things play
out realistically, and so, but it doesn't change the fact
that there will still be people who will have their
perceptions of you based on certain behaviors.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Okay, I want to go back to wholeness and hooker
in and whatever moment. And this is what I want.
This is what I want women to know. For me,
it's not the actual physical act. It's the exchange of
energy as a woman. Every time a man makes a
(17:45):
deposit in you, he is stepping into your space, into
your world. And I tell women all of the time,
one of the reasons that you can't find a man
today is because you've still got so many attached. You're
still in the bed with the other two or three.
Because as women, we are receptacles. We are receptacle energy,
(18:06):
and so we receive that energy. And there's ways that
we need to clean ourselves up in order to clean
away our past. So it's not that she's doing all
of this with all of these men. It's that he's
making deposits in her energy that she doesn't know about,
which brings me to my next topic, cheating or not
(18:27):
being honest when you're in a relationship, because you and
I are together, and you're over there with Katrina and
Cafada and whoever else, and you bring that home to me,
and so I'm in relationship now with her, and I
didn't make that choice. That's my problem with it. So
(18:49):
talk to me about cheating. Man.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Cheating is such a delicate topic, but I do believe
it's a very misunderstood issue. You know. I don't like
the people who say, well, and let me make sure
I clarify this. They'll say, it's never the fault of
the person who got cheated on, right, It's always the cheater.
It's always the cheating. So the minute someone cheats, it's
(19:12):
on them. That's it and the story. And I think
that's very dangerous to tell people this because some people
are continuously being cheated on because they're not identifying certain
negative patterns within themselves that lead down that path. One
quick example was there was a man who reached out
to me and he was swearing off Christian women, and
I'm like, what's going on? And he said, he been
cheated on twice before, and now this third woman who
(19:35):
was his fiance cheated on him with his baby's mother's BOYFRIENDY.
And so he's like, I'm done with these women. But
I was like, Okay, if you got cheated on three
times in a row in your last three relationships, there's
something you're overlooking. We can't just say women are horrible.
(19:57):
What's going on? So we dig deeper, and what it
turned out was he was the type of guy that thought,
if I pay the bills, my job is done. Old school, Oh,
you don't need to do anything else. You should be happy.
So these women were drawn to the financial security but
were left void emotionally, and that just opens the door
to people entertaining someone else. And so the same thing
(20:20):
happens on the flip side, where you have some women
who will lure a man in with how she initially
acts sexually. Because I've heard so many stories, I said
that I was so many couples and she knows she
can't sustain that.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
It's my hand, put yourself down.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
And then it turns into a marriage that has all
this sexual neglect. And then when he finally does cheat,
if he does cheat, it's, oh, it's he's the problem.
You can't do that because.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
I was neglectful. I was just tired by the time.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
You know what, and listen, sometimes there's understandable reasons. But
I'll give another example. There was one time where a
man he was married to a woman. They were already
kind of rocky with the sex, but then she had
some kind of issue. I think she had assist in
her uterus. So the doctor said, Okay, for the next
six months, there's gonna be no sex. The husband was like,
(21:18):
all right, I'm a supporter. I understand, we're good, you know, and.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
There's a distinction. But I don't want you to stop
your story. But I just want our listeners to know
that there's a distinction between sex and intercourse. So for
six months, there's no intercourse, but they could have still
made love and done all manner of wonderfulness exactly. Don't
ask me how I know these things.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
He was still, he was still very accommodating, very understanding.
His mindset was, I'm gonna be a good husband. But
once this is all, we're past this. We're gonna get
back to being more intigivement and having more sexual intercourse.
Six months past, she finishes her process, she's good. Not
only is she now healed, the even tells her, it's
(22:01):
actually a good idea that you start having sex right now.
And what happened They still didn't have sex. Why that's
the thing. The reality is that a lot of women
are not being honest with men about one what they
need to be sexually receptive to them to the fact
that they get with men they're not sexually satisfied by.
(22:22):
So you have this phenomena where the woman meets this
great guy, she likes him, she feel like she can
have a relationship with him, but the sex is not
what it needs to be. But for her, it's like,
I don't want to rock the boat and lose this man,
so I'm gonna act like the sex is good. I'm
gonna just roll with this. Or she's riding off the
high from having the potential of finally getting married and
(22:43):
having that long lasting relationship, and that high is enough
to push her through these sexual moments and have her
be excited. But once the goal is achieved and there
is marriage, now the smoke is cleared and the reality
is she never really liked it. I know, if one
woman where she has several sexual partners, let's say she
(23:04):
had seven. Six out of the seven it was very
block but there's one out of the seven that it's amazing,
and the way that she shows up sexually for him
is night and day compared to the other six she experienced.
All right, Okay, So part of that is because for
a lot of women, the connection outside the bedroom will
dictate the connection inside.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
The bedroom absolutely for all women.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
So I do think some women have gotten to a
place of in being so in tune with themselves, in
their body and other thing how to enjoy sex, that
they can still handle that lack of connection better than
the next woman can. Okay, all right, And so even
speaking to that, part of the reason why a lot
of women don't even enjoy sex, I believe is because
(23:49):
there's so much in their head and they don't allow
themselves to enjoy in that process, which is why we
now have the issue of how the toxic man tends
to be better in bed for a lot of women.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
And mercy sleeping with toxic But.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Let me tell you, I believe that what's happening is
so when a woman is truly emotionally invested into a
man and more vulnerable, she is going to be more like,
am I doing it right? What does he think of me?
She's processing all these things. This is going to hinder
her ability to enjoy the experience. When she's dating the
(24:28):
toxic man that she knows is toxic, and she knows
there's no real future with this man, she no longer
cares her emotions aren't tied to it, so he's like
a life sized dildo to her. She's going in strictly
for enjoyment. So now it is not that he's that
much better, it's that she unlocks the door to allow
(24:49):
herself to enjoy it at a much higher level. And
if she can transfer that kind of mindset to the
man she loves, she would experience a much greater sexual
experience with that man. A lot to it.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
This is the Our Spot and we are really talking
about relationships, although we seem to be stuck on sex.
So when we come back from this break, I promise
you we are going to talk about relationships and sex.
We'll be right back. Welcome back to the Our Spot.
(25:26):
My guest today is Stefan, a certified relationship and dating coach,
and I don't know how we fell into the whole
talking about sex, but it's been twice. I know, holes
and sex and toxic men, but here at the Our Spot,
we want to talk about what's real and what's raw,
and what it is that makes our relationships work and
(25:47):
what it is that doesn't make them work. I want
to go back to this topic for one second because
on one of your podcasts you talked about a woman
who was not sexually attracted to a man, but was
with him because he paid the bills. And I want
to talk about that for a moment, and not from
(26:09):
her perspective, from his perspective. If he's is he paying
for sex? I mean, really, he's paying for sex, and
that's okay.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
For a lot of men, all they care about is
the end result, which is which is getting the sex,
which is her time and attention during that moment, and
being able to have more authority, I guess in that situation,
because he's just taking care of everything for some men.
For some men there's a level of wanting that authority.
And when I say authority, it's like, okay, in a
(26:40):
casual situation or a situation he's paying for sex. What
he likes about that is I don't have to invest
emotionally in this, all right, And he gets to control, yeah,
and he has actually more say so in what he desires,
because if you're just establishing a loving relationship, there's more
of a give and take there in a very transaction relationship.
(27:00):
Is hey, I give you this in return for this.
That's it in the story, and either you're with it
or you're not. But in a romantic relationship he has
to be more flexible and more considerate how she feels
in that moment. If he's paying for it, he don't.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Care because for me, that's just you know, a private
enterprise prostitution, you know, And I guess that can work,
because you know, I gave it away for love and
didn't get the bills paid. I just wondering, maybe I.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Don't know.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
It's just so you know, today we are just so
depraved and everything and how we do everything. There's just
such a level of baseness and depravity, and it really
it hurts me for women because this is not going
to be good because as we continue to bring children
(28:02):
into it, and as an elder now I'm always everything
I do, I'm wondering with the women behind me when
they look at me, what do they see? You know.
I can talk about all of it, and I've been
through a lot of it, But what I want to
demonstrate is something completely different and some of the things
that I see men doing today and the behavior it's
(28:27):
not good for those coming up underneath them. I want
to ask you this question, where do men learn how
to manage their emotions and develop an emotional vocabulary, because
one of the things that I find with men is
they do not have a very sophisticated emotional library, a vocabulary.
It's either good, bad, right, wrong, fair, unfair, happy, sad,
(28:49):
that's it. I mean. They don't know about anxiety. They
don't know about frustration, they don't know about disappointment. Although
they experience, they don't talk about it. Insecurity, inadequacy, because
what I've learned is inadequacy is to kryptonite to man.
If he feels he's inadequate in any way, he goes crazy.
But where do men learn to manage and handle their emotions.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
I mean most men don't have anywhere. They don't in
the natural flow of their life. They don't learn it
from anywhere. I was just speaking to my barber earlier,
and he was saying, how you know he struggled sometimes
in relationship because he saw I think it was his
father or a family member. Whenever that the baby's mother
was upset, he just gave him money. Yes, okay, So
(29:33):
to him, that's the answer. He doesn't understand. You need
to communicate, you need to be able to express things,
and that's just not a place he's been comfortable with
so for a lot of it.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
Is it that he's not comfortable or is it that
he doesn't know how, But rather than admit that he's
inadequate in that area, he comes it up with dollarbility.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
I think it's both. I think it's it's he doesn't
know how in one sense, but also not comfortable because
he's never he hasn't been there, he hasn't lived in
that place, and you don't know what's coming from that.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
You know.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
One of the fears a lot of men have in
opening up and being more expressive is the woman throwing
it back in their face. And a lot of men
have experienced that.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
I want you to I want you to say that
again to all of you are spot women out there listening,
say that again.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
A lot of men are afraid to open up because
the fear of the women throwing it back in their face.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
And we're historians, and we'll go back and dig up
something for fifty six. Well, when you said so and
so and so so, ladies, you're hearing that, don't do that.
And we do it to our sons also, hell y'all
do it to each other. A lot of women to
bring that in.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
A lot of women will not. I always laugh when
some women swear they know everything about their friend, and
I'm like, no, there's things you don't know because she knows.
If she tells you and y'all ever have a fallen out,
you will use it against her. So she will go
to the grave with some of this information. She'll be
quicker to tell a guy friend than she will have.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
It's true that you know. I want you all to
hear this is a man speaking to us about how
we be, how we be with each other. Yeah. So
men don't learn how to process even identify emotions.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
I mean the way that they learn. Those who do
learn are those who go on that discovery, that path
of trying to understand, trying to grow. Also, those who
may be in certain environments are forced to learn, so
to speak. But you know, the everyday man, if he's
not making that intentional choice to go learn, where is
(31:38):
he really going to get it from?
Speaker 1 (31:39):
Well, so I want to I want to support us
and women and also push us women to say that
it's it is. I think it is incumbent upon us
as women to begin to raise our sons and in
my case, grandsons and great grandsons with a level of
(32:00):
emotional sensitivity and awareness and vocabulary. Because we're raising other
people's fathers and husbands, I think it's incumbent upon us
to make the space for our sons, grandsons, brothers, fathers.
Because every man is raised by a woman or not
(32:22):
raised by a woman, and it's going to impact how
he is in relationships. So I think it's incumbent upon us.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
So what.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Because men aren't very often emotionally closed or guarded when
an emotional man shows up, how do we handle it?
As women? How do we men crying? And all of
you know, because of what I do, that doesn't bother me.
But most women see a man cry or get into
(32:54):
his feelings, as you would say, they don't know what
to do with that. What do you do with that? Well?
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Think all the man needs you to be is consoled.
It's the same way if you had a son, what
would you do. You'd rub his bag. You're gonna tell
me it's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
No, we tell him stop that crying. Boys don't cry.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
Yeah, So that's what you shouldn't be doing. And the
thing is this, though, I will say this to the
whole boys don't cry issue. We have to learn to, yes,
encourage our boys to be expressive, but we should not.
But we have to teach them not to be emotionally unstable,
right and not to be You did a.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Video on that man, an emotionally unstable man, exactly.
Speaker 2 (33:36):
And so the example I give is that if a
child comes to you and they're all whining, crying and
they're frantic, you still want them to calm down and
use their words and express themselves, but you just don't say, okay,
just keep crying and keep being frantic. So I think
some people have taken it to the wrong end of
the spectrum and say, yes, let these boys just be
all emotional all over the place, and it's like no, no, no, no.
(33:58):
They still have to learn how to reel it in.
But then yes, express themselves properly. And so when that
man comes to you crying and being emotional, yes, I
think it's about being that soft place for him right there,
being that peace, being that encourager speaking life into him
in that moment. That's what he needs. But I also
(34:18):
do tell men that understand, like I believe, the issue
is less about the man crying to the woman and
a lot of times. What he's crying about?
Speaker 1 (34:28):
All right, okay, and and tell me more about that too.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
So I give you an example. I have a friend
and he was like, he he knows his woman who
left his left her guy after she lost after he
lost her his job. I said, that's all that happened?
You sure like she does up and left the minute
after he lost his job.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
I was like, no, there's got to be something else
to this. He said, well, okay, technically she did tell
me that. It was a month or two after he
lost his job, and every day since he lost his job,
he was moping, he was whining, he was dwelling in negativity.
I said, that's why she left. You can't. It's one
thing to have a moment of vulnerability. It's another thing
(35:09):
to live in that. And I think, what a lot
of men don't realize a lot of people don't realize.
A lot of men aren't as masculine as they think
and want to believe they are. They have not evolved
and developed the way that they think they have.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Well, what does that mean they're not as masculine as
they think they are. What does that mean they.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
Are not as poised and being able to manage their emotions.
They are not as strong in the sense of being
able to face adversity and find ways to overcome it
all right. They crumble in the face of it. And
for a woman, she does not want a man who's
gonna crumble anytime something goes wrong. She wants a man
that she can feel like, that's my rock. He's gonna fight,
(35:48):
and he's gonna make sure we're good. At least he's
gonna fight to make sure we're good. Even if he
can't fully succeed, he's gonna put his best foot forward.
A lot of men aren't as tough as they proclaim
or try to give off to the world. So what
happens is when he finally has that moment that quote
unquote breaks him, his true self starts to show that
(36:09):
weaker self that never developed, and she starts to realize,
wait a minute, this ain't the guy thought he was
all right. So now to the world, is she left
him because that thing happened? But in many cases, no,
it's because who he's now showing himself to be she
can't stomach and deal with. Oh, she doesn't know, yes,
And so look at it this way. Let's flip it.
(36:30):
It's almost like if a man got with a woman
because initially she was being all sweet and feminine in
all these things, and then something happens where she just
turns negative. Right now, if she just has a negative moment,
he's gonna be willing to look past that. But what
happens if she now lives in that negativity and it
(36:51):
carries on for months and months, There's gonna be a
lot of men that say, I don't want this anymore. Yeah,
you know. Now, some will struggle to walk away. Then
that's for other reasons, but people don't realize what's going
on behind closed doors is a lot deeper than what
we're seeing on the surface. And so going back to
the whole men opening up and being vulnerable. I do
(37:11):
think that men have to learn what I tell men
on because I have a channel for men as well.
I tell them being vulnerable will help you expose what
kind of women you're dealing with.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Okay, right now, you know, in defense of my women, sisters,
my sister women, my sister women, I have to say,
some of us don't know how to process our emotions
because we were talked out of them, beaten out of them,
frightened out of them. So we don't even know what
we're looking at. Because for me, a man in his
and that's me, I'm old, So pay me no mind.
(37:44):
A man in his heart and feelings if he can
articulate it, which is usually where the problem comes. They
don't have a language for it. They don't know how
to articulate it. That doesn't frighten me as much as
one who's who says he has no fear, because that's
the boy that's gonna slit your throat when you sleep,
and I'll punch you in your eye one day. I'm
(38:06):
scared of him. One who can't articulate it, I'll struggle
with you. Let's find a word. But so many women
are out of their emotional self also, until what else
gonna do? I just it's just talking about this is
depressingly well.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
This highlights, This highlights the real issue. The real issue
is people lack healings.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Wait a minute, lait a minute. I would stop right
there because I'm gonna I want you to come back,
and that's where we're gonna start. If you've been listening,
I've been with stefan certified relationship and dating coach, and
we've been talking about the intricacies, the ins and outs
of our relationships. Stefan and I will be back next week,
(38:56):
so we'll see you then. In the meantime, stay in
peace and not in peace. The R Spot is a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
(39:19):
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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