January 17, 2024 • 42 mins
In the second half of Iyanla’s interview with relationship-expert Ace Metaphor, they deep dive into men who cheat, and cover some risky topics in a rapid fire Q&A. And Ace warns multiple times… People will be mad at him for what he’s about to say.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Rspot,
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. If
(00:36):
you are just joining us, my guest today is Ace Metaphor,
host of Tonight's Conversation on YouTube, and we are dishing
up a relationship soup, talking about many of the things
that we women talk about when there's no man in
the room. I hope you are out there taking notes,
(00:58):
because my guests is truly offering some things that we
as women, regardless of our age, we need to take
this in and consider it. One of the things that
I find so interesting about Ace is that he's telling
on himself. He's telling on the brotherhood of men, and
(01:19):
more important, he is telling on women. If you have
never listened to or seen his show, please put that
on your to do list. I knew I wanted to
have him as a guest when I heard him say
this toxic men one a good woman too. He said,
(01:39):
is the man coming into your life to elevate you
or is he coming to deplete you? You see, your
good qualities are attractive to all men, the good men
and the toxic ones too. Now that right there is
the Hallelujah truth. Let me get back to my conversation
with Ace metaphor. You got a woman at home, you
(02:06):
got kids maybe, or you're in a decent relationship, y'all,
don't fight, you like each other. You're still doing the
wild thing every now and then? Why what is the thought?
What happens? Do you just see the woman and I
gotta have that? Or does something happen? Tell me talk
to me about cheating.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Okay, First, cheating is a lack of boundaries. Cheating doesn't
happen over atnight. It's a conversation that leads to another,
inappropriate conversation that leads to this, at least to that,
and then here you are. So it's a lack of boundaries.
I've always said that men are offensively minded creatures. We
are taught to go pursue, whereas women are the defensive
minded creatures. More so when it comes to dating, defend, reject.
(02:49):
So oftentimes, because we've been so offensively minded, we don't work.
We don't have defense. So when a woman comes and
says something to you, you're not in practice of shutting
it down before it even starts, right, and so that
leads to more temptation than you should allow. And then
finally you go ahead and do what you do. But
the bigger problem, and I've discussed them, here's the thing.
(03:11):
I'm a monogamous individual. I am just advocating for what
I've heard a lot of different ways to love people.
There are some people that believe that how I care
and love this person isn't an indictment on how I
care and love this person. There are people that live
and say I can love multiple different people, I can
(03:33):
have sex with multiple different people, but that is not
an infringement on how I feel about you. The problem
is you didn't get into that type of arrangement. So
here's this man in his head. He's not thinking he's
damaging his actual relationship because it's like, Okay, my love
for you is not lessening because I still feel the
(03:54):
same way. I still have the same loyalty even though
I'm doing my dirt over here. But the problem is
you're vited life in the terms of your relationship. So
I just believe that there are some men that just
don't need to be in monogamous relationships. There are some
men that just need to practice discipline, because even if
you were in a poly relationship, if you lack discipline,
you can still cheat inside those relationships. And it's a
(04:15):
discipline thing. It's a being up front thing and being honest.
And let me tell you this, ta ma, but I'm
gonna tell you this. Look for a second, I thought
about some open relationship things, but then in my head,
I was like, but that would mean that it's open
both ways. I can't deal with that. So I'm gonna
just be disciplined enough to not cross some boundaries.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
I hear you, because that's the other thing, you know,
and which is why women now you know that they're
stepping away. But this is what a brother explained to me.
He said, So you're in a relationship seven, eight, nine,
ten years and you have your little things, but the
one thing is she's on you. You don't do this,
you don't do that. One complaint I have no matter
what I do is not right. And so you're doing that.
(04:59):
You're doing that, and you go to work and there's
a today, a woman there you know, normally you wouldn't
even look at her, you know, maybe a boobs hang
too low, or hair is too short or whatever. But
you come in one day and she notices you because
men like to be noticed. And she says, wow, you
look tired today, and you're like, you look tired today? Nah,
(05:23):
and just off the coffee, says not. Me and my
old lady were going at it. Really, she's listening to you.
She look a little more attractive. And then you just
unload and she listens, and then you'll go your separate ways.
The next day you came in, come in, she brings
you a piece of cake. I baked the cake last night,
and here's a piece of cake. Wait a minute, you
(05:43):
notice me, you listen to me, and I like cake.
You know I like cake. You got some psychics, And
then she'd take the cake. That will say nothing, all right.
And then a couple of days later, you sitting down
eating lunch. Can I join you for lunch? And you
all are sitting in now you're talking about Christmas, Easter,
the football. She likes football. Wait a minute, hold up,
she liked football. She's looking real good. And he explained
(06:07):
to me, that's just how it happens. Here's the part
that I don't get. It happens one time. Now you
got to make arrangements. That's the piece I don't get.
How do you do that? How do you look me
in my face knowing you just got out of another
woman's bed. How do you do that?
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Compartmentalizing it when it comes to this is your ability
to do that. And that's why a lot of successful
men be doing this cheating thing, because sometimes you got
to learn how to compartmentalize how you feel to get
something done. Compartmentalize guilt from maybe screwing a person over
in a business deal, but you had to do it
for your company. To do that, you compartmentalize it so
(06:50):
much and so many things that you even do that
in your relationship. There are men compartmentalize it right now.
You know why because they don't want to get quote
unquote nagged if they bring up how they actually feel
inside the relationships. So here he is you made him mad,
But instead of saying something, I'm just I'm a tuck
it here. And so I just believe that there are
certain men that's able to do that to where even
if that guilt is present from doing what you're doing
(07:12):
and being deceitful. You can tuck it here and you
don't think about it until you revisit that room in
your heart, and oftentimes you don't. It's dusty in there.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
You talked about this, and this is serious. So she's
looking real attractive now to you, and you're sneaking around
every other Tuesday at the wherever you go into her
house and the d and then she comes and she
tells you she's pregnant.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
See now, see now listen now. Now let me tell
you that people got mad at me when I said this, okay,
because there are pocketive people, large percentage of people that
think cheating is disrespectful no matter how you do it.
But in my opinion, there's a less disrespectful way to
cheat and a blatantly disrespectful way to cheat. If you
(07:58):
are out here not per detecting yourself, do it now.
That's a level of disrespect and it's people that sloppingly cheat.
I don't want to be cheapd Let me make this
known to everybody. I don't want to be cheated on.
But if you happen to do this, least care enough
about me to not be sloppy. Please, So the pregnancy
(08:20):
thing is to me, that's a double disrespect because here's
the thing. A lot of people have cheating as deal breakers,
and I understand that I'm a more a factor's person,
Like it's what are the factors here? I still may
lean towards leaving right, but if there is a chance
of reconciliation, factors matter. Whether you use protection matters, how
(08:46):
many times matters, how loudly you were doing this matters.
To me, it made it matters, so for a god
to do that. Now, I want to say this though
the reason I don't like, and I do believe for
some men and women, the reasoning that you said is plausible.
I think that does happen. But I think a good
(09:09):
number of people that are cheating in relationships are otherwise
satisfied in their current relationship. It is not like their
wife don't see them, it's not like they're not having
sex inside their relationship. It's just some people is greed. Okay,
But hear me out There are women right now that
(09:30):
like this man because of his greed, and what I
mean by that in other ways, he has amassed millions
of dollars because he wasn't satisfied at just one hundred thousand,
He wasn't satisfied at just five hundred thousand. He wasn't
satisfied at just a million. He wasn't satisfied at just
one property. He just kept going. It is a character
trait of this man to continue to get more, and
(09:53):
that attracted you to him. The downside, though, is even
in his relationships want more. So it's not like you're
not doing what you need to do. It's not like
you're not satisfying. You're just with a greedy person. And
we call it ambitious, right, And when we like what it,
when we like it, it's ambitious. When we don't like it,
it's greed. But this is a personality traite the ones.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
Who are making one hundred thousand dollars. Yeah, but you
know the truck driver that you still got to help
him cover the life bill. He cheating too.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
See, now that's beyond me.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
That's beyond me, whether you're the million dollar man or
the truck driver or the bus driver whatever. And now
she's pregnant, is it on? See I hold a woman
responsible for that. But that's just me. I'm old school
him not protecting himself or is it her setting him up?
(10:48):
Because that's what I hear all the time, the woman,
the wife at home, or the longtime girlfriend. She gets
mad at the other woman, And I'm saying, but you
don't have a relationship with her, You had a relationship
with him. Why aren't you looking at him? Why wasn't
he protecting himself?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Can I be honest? Please, Okay, y'all gotta let me
get this out. Ultimately, yes, a manship protect himself. But
there are reasons why you can't sign a pre n
up during the middle of sex. It won't be enforced.
We're gonna throw this out because lifelong decisions shouldn't be
(11:25):
happening in the middle of sex. So even if you
come with the intentions of protecting yourself and in whatever,
in the middle of sex. In my life I've heard
many times, hey take it off, and in the middle
of sex, you're not thinking your brain off, you might
do it. And so my point is, I do believe
someone can go Obviously, people can go into this sexual
(11:49):
thing without the intentions of creating a child. But it
happens so much because I just think the way we design.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Sometimes she doesn't know he's married, because he's so out
of any he's allowed to her. He's a lyned to
the wife. He's lying to Jesus deeve.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Can I fight back on that? Can I fight back
on that? Do sometimes you don't know he married? Yeah?
Like I understand that. I understand that, don't get me wrong.
But it's also now, what is your standards with time
and availability? Before we talked about before you get invested
enough in a man to allow him to have sex
with you without protection. So you're allowing this man that
(12:25):
that you don't know where he lived at, then you
ain't never been over his house at that point, you
know what I'm saying. You probably only able to call
every now and again because he can't pick up the phone.
So y'all messaging and sneaking and to so like, it
is now about you putting standards in place before you
get to a certain level of intimacy that a married man,
this dude would have to be. Who do need to
be able to fool you in this situation? But oftentimes
(12:48):
because we are, we are taking scratch from people. You're
giving your body to a man that barely texted you back.
Be honest, this is what's happening because if this man
has a full relationship, marriage and family, yes he may
have some spare time, but it ain't that much. It
ain't that much. If you can't call this man at
seven pm and he pick up and talk to you
(13:10):
for thirty minutes. He got a wife, our girlfriend at home.
Guess what can't nobody call me? It talked to me
for thirty minutes? You can't, and let's do in the
middle of the day. You cannot do it?
Speaker 1 (13:20):
She would let you talk to me?
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Yes, she would, she would, she would, she would.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
I want to hear from you as a man, how
this lands, because it really is an inequality in income.
There are many more high earning women. How do they?
First of all, they think a man who makes less
of them is dating down? But how compensate? How do
(13:50):
what do we need to do as women to adjust
for that? How do we as women navigate that? How
do we and not become a labrat?
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Put it simply before I get to how women can
do it? Men, we have to do a better job
because oftentimes a woman will give you a chance, but
you feel inadequate in that relationship. Is something about that
male ego and that pride she making more than you,
and you become a different person in that relationship then
in a relationship where you are the bread winner. So
(14:23):
we have to do a better job at being more
comfortable and learning our value outside of what we provide financially.
There are men that walk around that doesn't They don't
feel like the man in the house because they're not
providing more financially. But you can provide protection, you can
provide peace, you can provide emotional security, and there's so
many men that are not willing to be teammates. So
(14:44):
before we can get to what women can do more,
men have to really wake up and say, hey, listen,
it's twenty twenty three. I have to bring more to
the table because what I make for a living may
not be enough to keep this woman satisfied because she
already has that. Now, when it comes to women, the argument,
I get it, but there's now they could be lying
(15:06):
to me, or it can just be the type of
followers I have. But let them tell it. They've all
quote unquote dated down, They've all everybody has given a
man a chance. They've done that, and so it's just
about us when we do get that, don't feel like
you're not a man in that situation. Now, for the
women that struggle with it, now that you're not gonna
(15:27):
like my advice, I'm gonna just be real. If you
are a woman that's self aware enough to know you
can't date a man that makes substantially less thing you
and be happy in that relationship and still respect him
as a man in that relationship, do not enter that
relationship because there are certain women that will try to
trick themselves because they don't want to seem shallow. But
(15:49):
you get in this relationship and now you're emasculating that man.
I hate that word, which you know what you're doing exactly.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Where I was going, because we got two movies about it.
Defeat that praise and there's another one. But for the women,
I would say, don't think because he makes less than you,
that he is less than you. And things that women
do whether he makes less or not. Number one, we're
(16:16):
history majors, and we will bring up what you did
back in fifty six of what you said. And the
other thing, this is the hear me, ladies. Women, I
don't care if you're twenty thirty, forty, fifty sixty, I
won't even talk about my age group when you remind
him of how much you're doing. I paid a rent
(16:36):
this mouse, I brought you that car. That is the emasculation,
because inadequacy it's kryptonite to a man's soul.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
And I'm gonna say this, I got to add to that,
there's only one time a man can say this is
my house to a woman before the relationship just changes.
That's right, And that's one of the things I had
to learn in my tuolage as a man like you
got one time to say certain things before the dynamics,
(17:09):
which you got it one time to make it seem
like it's I'm doing all this before that woman looks
at you and trusts you differently. And the surprising part
about this is there are women who have been in
that situation and they've taken the abuse acted on them
from a powerful man and now use that same abuse
to act on someone else, which is mind boggling to me.
(17:33):
Because if you come with that barado in a relationship,
no matter if that's a man or a woman, the
trust is fractured you. And here's the thing I will
tell you about healthy men. I can't speak for the
tops of guys. But you got for a man that's
in tune with itself, a man that respects himself. You
got one time to say that in that situation, or
he will shut down. And then you want to wonder
(17:54):
why this man ain't opening up to you.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Yeah, and the thing is, they leave much creer us.
We threatened to leave at least four times when they
say they gone ay out. Yeah, I know, hold on,
don't you dare move? Because I have a real juicy
question I'm going to ask Ace right after the break.
(18:25):
Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to
the conversation. Ace, rapid Fire, you get together, he moves
into her house. Good thing, bad.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Thing, bad thing. Okay, but you only gave me one choice.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
No, But because this is what happens. See for me,
the man's got to build a nest or we got
to come together. We got to do it together. But
has to be his and I'm coming into it. But
so very often he don't have and he goes into hers.
But that's whole other thing, rapid Fire. He just got
out of jail, and you looking up with a good thing,
(19:02):
bad thing, just got out.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
We're talking bad thing, bad things, bad thing, about that a.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Little bit, because with love after lock up, love during
lock up, people are going there. And for me, I
think when he's coming out of that experience that I
call God's vacation retreat center, and he's coming enter and
back and he needs time to find his new self.
(19:27):
He needs time to find his new self, not to
be trying to please you and find his new self.
That's just me.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Does that make sense? In perfect sense? Man didn't have
his freedom until a month ago, you know what I'm saying,
or two days ago, and so I think this is
about adjusting to that. It's about getting back on your square,
getting getting your life in order, and being able to
focus on that. I would question a man's priorities if
right at that moment he's trying to enter a relationship,
(19:57):
because at a space where you're supposed to be giving
one hundred percent attention to you getting back on your feet,
now you have to divide it between a woman and yourself.
And it's hard in that moment to be able to
be really good for both. So it can work, but
can is not what I'm willing to risk my heart on.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
If you waited for him, if you waited for him, three, four, five, six.
I had a guest on the rd spot recently. Eight
years you waited for him, and he comes out and
within a year he's gone.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Listen, that man had no choice but to write you
the letters. You were one of the women that was
willing to correspond with him. And I even say this
because I've had multiple boys that took a little vacation.
People be thinking dudes in jail don't cheat. They cheat.
It might not be physically, but they make another collect calls. Okay,
(20:50):
they running somebody else's phone bill up too. So my
point is, even in those situations, it makes me feel
bad because I understand you want to be there for
this man as a friend, right, if that's what you
want to do, if you're able to separate that, what
it's eight years of your life for maybe and not
(21:11):
even a good maybe. This whole waiting thing to me,
I just don't get. Don't get waiting if this person
isn't ready when you are ready.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
You're not just talking about jail. You're talking about waiting
for somebody in general.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Is that right in.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
General for him to propose?
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Yeah? Okay, see now you're loading the deck. Okay, if
you got it, to do. If you are twenty two
and you got it to do, you want to wait
a few years, you can wait a few years and
still just be twenty six and you still good. But
some of us, a lot of us is in the
thirties and forties. That waiting stuff is some young people stuff.
(21:53):
If certain things I'm not waiting for you to do,
I'm not waiting for you to be ready. You should
have been ready on our first date. That's where I'm
at right now. You need to be ready from your
finances together, this together. It's just where I'm at now.
Other people may have different grace than me. But if
I'm intentional about finding that marriage or finding that husband,
I need you to be at least ready to do
(22:15):
it now. Whether or not you know it's I'm your
wife or I'm your husband, it's a different thing. But
I need you to be actively searching for that. And
I just don't believe somebody in jail, Okay, I just
don't feel like at that moment they're actively ready because
they have to call you and you have to press
zero and accept the charges. Now. I don't know if
a zero or not because I never had that, But
(22:37):
you get what I'm saying I.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
Do, and let me just clean that up a little bit.
We are not saying that the brothers who are doing
UH in the vacation retreat center are not worthy or
are not worth it. But I hear what he is saying.
They're not ready. They're not ready. Even if you were
his wife when he went in eight years, he may
(23:01):
have never seen an iPad. He's not ready. And I
think that to be loving and kind, you got to
give people some time. Okay, rapid fire. He's got three
babies mamas, and none of them are talking good thing,
bad thing. None of them are talking to him. He's
not in relationship with none of the babies mamas or
the kids. Bad thing, good thing.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Bad thing. When you said or the kids, that's a
bad thing.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
You did a video that said his relationship with you
will determine how he treats his kids. And a bitter
baby daddy is a dead beat.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Yeah, daddies are bitter baby daddies. I believe there are
certain men who lack integrity a sense of responsibility that
will predicate their relationships with the children based off of
how they feel about you. And there are a lot
of women that feel pressured. They feel pressured to keep
access to their time, they body, and their energy with
(23:56):
this man because they know if they take that away,
he not gonna see the kid. And so my thing is, listen,
I know it's both sides to a coin and all
this different stuff. It's gonna be guys like, but you
don't understand my baby mama, three of them though you
got three terrible baby bomas. That's keeping you away from
all three of your kids. Three. And then here's the thing,
(24:18):
even if all that was true, woman, you gotta ask yourself,
what about me? Because obviously he got to I for
pick of bad women. So I'm because if one, two, three,
what about me? Do I sit in that mold? I
have to start questioning myself. So I just don't think
it's a good idea to really date that guy in
that situation.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
That is hysterical. Okay, he's living with his mama for
the past three years after his divorce. Good thing, bad thing,
bad thing. Okay, he is in the midst of a divorce.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Good thing, bad thing, the dame then bad thing.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
I think so too. Yeah, yeah, he doesn't have a
vision good thing, bad thing, bad thing because if he
can't see where he's going. Where am I following him to?
Where am I following him to? Another thing that you
talked about, you said you how do you heal from
a toxic relationship? You said, remember that it was toxic? Yeah,
(25:18):
and that is that's how you heal and that you
got out of it and be grateful about that. But
here this is in rapid fire. But in a relationship,
how do you identify what do I want to say?
I want to say, how do you identify toxic behavior?
(25:39):
And not just how a person is or doesn't.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Matter first, It's more importantly how you are feeling in
this relationship. The reason why I say that is toxicity
poison will affect you. Your body will tell you that
this isn't healthy for me, because too often we try
to get into judging that other partner, trying to label them. Now,
(26:03):
people got the whole dictionary. The're gonna call them this,
that and the other. But the point of the matter
is how are you feeling inside? Is this draining to you?
Do you feel more lonely now than you did when
you was outside of this relationship? Do you feel like
life is heavier now? And is this stress coming from
(26:25):
this person? Or caused by this person, intentionally or not intentionally.
Sometimes we got to understand a toxic person can also
just be a toxic person for us. That person can
be pretty good for everybody else, but for me, this
is toxic and this is why I have to leave.
So I say it just like listening to your body
and paying attention to it, listening to your heart and
(26:46):
pay not just your heart and your brain and paying
attention to it.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
We'll talk about that right after this. Brain Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
I think it's this thing Ason, I know we're going
to get out of here in a minute. I think
it's the thing where you said in one of your shows,
(27:14):
certain men can't handle you, but there are others you can.
And I think for us as women, off of women,
I always put myself in it. Although I'm not looking
for anything right now. It's this thing that we just
want to be chosen. We just want to be the
one Daddy didn't choose us, we didn't get to go
(27:34):
to the prom, or even if we did, ether side
Eye and somebody else. We just want to be chosen
from that place. I just want to be chosen from
that place of I do I have to dumb myself
down to get Somebody tell me the three major mistakes
you think women, young women are making, particularly young women.
(27:54):
What are the three major mistakes women are making when
it comes to dating a partner. What are we doing?
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Not getting out of the house, getting out of the house.
I know it's scary outside. I know outside, ace, oh, outside,
we have to get out the house. That real. That
(28:22):
is the biggest thing. Because you're not gonna get your
man off of Amazon. I looked it up yesterday. You
cannot find tall, dark and handsome men on Amazon. They
do not deliver these men. And so what happens is
because we're not getting out trying new places, meeting new people,
going to new countries. If you got it to do.
(28:43):
If we're doing the same church, we're doing the same gym,
we're doing the same job, the same hangout spot, were
meeting the same three dudes. And so what it does
is it gives you this even over exaggerated perception that
there's no one out there, and it as to your
skel shitty mindset. I would just encourage people to get
out the house, even if it's just for you because
(29:05):
along you following your path and your purpose, you being social,
You're doing things the tend to your mental health. You're
taking these trips, you might stumble across this person. So
that's my first thing is I think most people are
not actively dating. The reason why I say that is
we be giving dating, are scrapped left over time and
then we be expecting a whole husband like full results
(29:29):
and nothing else in life work that way. So that's
the first thing. The second thing is, I don't believe
people have a I can't find the mister right problem.
I think they have a eye hold on to the
mister wrong problem. I think we are holding on to
missus and mister wrong for far too long. It is
about letting go. Listen, I understand somebody may have tricked you,
(29:49):
but as soon as they take that mask off, you
gotta dip. As soon as you see something that you
know violates your deal breaker, you gotta dip. And when
you are giving that extra person three or four months,
any times that by three or four guys, you done
gave a year, two years more of your life that
you could have been available for your mister right. And
then the third thing is and it's going the most,
(30:11):
I guess the most. This is the most important thing.
Date when your self confidence is high. And I know
a lot of people are going to fight back on that,
but I really mean you get the better results when
you are If you are dating when you are broken.
You know you are broken right now. You not really
feeling yourself and I get it. You are looking for
(30:33):
your night and shining armor here. You are looking for
that guy to do that. Guess who also go after
wounded things, vultures. Your unhealed nature will attract people that's
looking to take advantage of you. I want people to
understand that. I get it. But there are resources, people,
(30:56):
places that can help you get to a functioning level
vote sufficient enough for your self confidence to be a
protection during dating. Date when you feel like you are
a prize not just a participation trophy. All right?
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Is lovely? Date when you feel like you are a
prize not a participation trophy. Let me ask you this.
This is just for me. I'm old.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
Define dating dating Okay, it's a lot of different terms.
You got to follow me here, Okay, Because in twenty
twenty three, you got vibing, kicking it, linking, chilling, yeah,
hooking up. You got all these yeah dating, and I
want to put a I want to put a qualifier.
(31:44):
Intentional dating, not recreational dating, not experimental dating. Intentional dating
is when we are actively looking for a partner, and
I think it's up to us to define what type
of dating this person is doing. Make sure we got
(32:06):
the same definitions. Because you can say you're dating, they
can say you're I'm dating. But a lot of people
are experimental dating, are recreational dating, and here you are
linking yourself. You're intentionally dating, looking for somebody to be
a husband or wife, But they're recreational dating. They're just
trying to get out the house and have fun. So
we just need to make sure our definitions match up.
It's too many terms and terminologies, So ask people plainly, Hey,
(32:30):
what are you dating for? Okay, and then I'm gonna
tell you this. Let me tell you this an intentional man.
Now the lady's gonna ask me where do I find this? Man?
I don't know. If I do this, I'd be a
billionaire if I knew where to find these me and that. Ooh,
but intentional man, when you ask him, yo, what are
(32:51):
you looking for?
Speaker 1 (32:52):
What?
Speaker 2 (32:52):
Are you dating? What's your intentions through dat? And they're
gonna tell you, hey, listen, I'm ready, I'm ready. That's
why you asked me all those rapid fire questions. I
was saying, bad thing is because I want a man
to be ready in his own lane wherever he feels
like ready means for him. Because when you now daty,
you may be thirty three at that point, you may
be thirty four, whatever time, thirty five, where you wherever,
(33:13):
however long it took you to get there. When somebody
asks you that, or when you ask that man, you're
not running, he not running from you. He gonna be like, hey, listen,
I'm looking for a wife. I'm looking for something serious.
You know what I'm saying. I'm looking for somebody I
could deal with, you know what I mean. And he's
not gonna run away from that. And the guys that do,
you didn't need them in your life in the first
place anyway.
Speaker 1 (33:33):
All right, So those are the three things that women
need to do. Get out of the house, dake, when
your confidence is high. And what was the other one
you said, when your confidence is high?
Speaker 2 (33:45):
You asked me too fast? It was something like that, Yeah, yeah,
you gotta g.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
So now here's my other. I want you to give
me three things for this. Okay, this is a big question,
and I know you were talking general, but it's going
on with you.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
People can be I'm gonna be completely honest with you.
These men are satisfied. Satisfied people rarely change. Men are
more satisfied and fulfilled in the current state of dating.
So what would motivate them to change and be better?
(34:19):
So it's just it's a sad truth, but it's to
I don't have to be better. I can mess up
here and another woman will still pick me. One of
your clips, which is that I see often is when
I guess on your show you had like it was
like ten guys, but they had like eighty hundred kids
between them.
Speaker 1 (34:38):
As one he had thirty seven children.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
And so my point is even and he might be
a great guy, but just follow me here. Now I'm
not gonna use him. But even in that situation, a
woman will still pick that man. A woman will still
be chosen by that man. And the problem with men
is that women still will pick be will still deal
with us. So there's no So now it makes you lazy,
(35:04):
it makes you comfortable. It doesn't make you try harder
and be better because you can be exactly who you
are falls in awe and some women will deal with you.
And so that is our problem. So now when you
talk about men not really embracing improving and being more
emotionally available for women in twenty twenty three, because again
we talked about finances are not enough to impress no more.
(35:27):
Oh there's a woman right here that is still just
take me as I am. So I'm gonna just deal
with her instead of dealing with a woman I may
actually want, but this makes me work for it, so
I'd rather the easy thing. So I think that is
the major problem with a large portion of men, is
that now for the men that are together, I think
(35:49):
we still haven't balance what relationships look like. I can
speak for myself. Let me not just speak for myself
because I don't have children yet. But there are men
that still have that traditional mind mindset but don't realize
that they have to now be more than just their pocketbooks.
Now it's time to be in our child's lives. It's
not just paying for the daycare, it's not just paying
(36:11):
for things. In Disappearance sixty seventy eighty hours a week.
Are you actively involved? There? Are you doing? We need
to do so? I think it's too pronged. It's we can't.
I'm gonna say this nicely. Women are not going to
force us to be better. We have to want to
be better for ourselves.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
There must be consequences for bad behavior. You can't just
continue to accept and accept and think it's going to change.
What a sustaining to us is. There's no incentive to change.
And women think of it in terms of lowering their standards,
and I think that in terms of setting the water
(36:48):
level to even expect a man to be at a
certain level for himself. A man who doesn't have a vision,
in a sense of purpose is not going to get
one for you if he doesn't have one for himself.
I want him to have a purpose, a vision, what
(37:09):
he loves, what he doesn't love, what he won't do.
It's got to have a certain moral compass, a moral compass,
all right. So that's what's wrong with men. They're satisfying.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
Can I just add one more thing. It's gonna take
five seconds.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
Oh take as much time as you like.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
We have to do better as men. Going back in
our community and being there for those boys that don't
have fathers. It can't just be that's not our problem,
Like we be calling ourselves leaders and men want to
be leaders so much, but are you getting back in
that community and are you investing in sharing these young
(37:46):
boys with men or how you define masculinity or what
leaders or protectors look like are helping out? And that's
what's not happening. And I just would encourage, and I
wish we could have a meeting, right, I wish we
could have a get all guys together. We have a
big meet and we talk about it. But in the meeting,
we need to do that, man, because I feel like
those of us who are responsible, those of us that
(38:09):
does have standards and morals and know how, and we
gotta be we got to pass that on in the
absence of some of the brothers that ain't stepping up.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
And I know a lot of brothers are doing it.
I want to talk to the ones that are leaving
and remain absent and leave with women who don't have
what those boys needs. What do you have to say
to them?
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Man, the thief, you're right, Like, you're right, It's just
there's no consequence. Single mom leave the kid undertended for
forty eight hours, she go to jail. Dad lead a
kid unattended for eighteen years. Nothing happens. That's right, because
(38:52):
there's no real consequence. And then here's the thing. You
can say, child supporter is a consequence, but you make
it out cheaper. You actually make it out cheaper. So
because I know I wish there was, here's what needs
to happen, and I do it myself. If you not
taking care of your kids, you can't come hang with me.
You just can't. You can't be in my circle at all.
(39:12):
You can't be in my circle you're not taking care
of your kids.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
Brothers have to call brothers on that.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
We have to change it. We can't expect because we
can't expect women to solve a man issue. We ourselves
because I'm gonna tell you this, and I don't care
when nobody else think me and care about how other
men view them. They do even more so sometimes and
the women they with. If we step up and say, yo,
(39:39):
we ain't messing with you, with you, if you ain't
doing this, if blah blah blah, then that will inspire change.
But you leaving that single man thinking you're gonna change
him when a thousand other women a daity is not
gonna help. So I think we have to do a
better job. And I also want to say this before
you let me go. This was a complete honor of
mine to be here. I was actually shocked that your
team reached out and it just you got to understand
(40:02):
this is a pretty big deal. I might get off
here and cry on my couch because I'm feel like this,
because this is really a really cool thing. So I
just want to thank you for this opportunity to come
on here and speak to you.
Speaker 1 (40:13):
Let me tell you something. I as an elder, I
think it is my responsibility to be in touch with,
to stay in touch with, to be on top of
the youngins. So if I had never spoken to you,
I see you doing something good. My responsibility is to
pray for you. There's so many of you, and particularly
(40:34):
young men, and as a great grandma, I've got to
cover you because I know the society doesn't and I
know you have your struggles and your challenges, and I've
got a son and a grandson and a great grandson.
It tickles me. I love you all. You got a
grandmother praying for you. Appreciate it, our spot family. I
(40:59):
wish to give some snaps to Ace metaphor and thank
him for being with us today, and just continue to
do your work. If you're out there listening, and listen
before you get into your opinions and your upset so
you do agree or disagree, go back, listen to this,
hear what you need to hear for you and how
(41:21):
you can implement it, because so very often we get
so into our opinions and our agreements and disagreements that
the truth just passes over our head. Go back and
to the elder you midwives in forty, at fifty, at sixty,
you midwives ushering younger women in Hear what this young
man said today and share it with the young women
(41:42):
in your world. And I will see you next time.
In the meantime, stay in peace, not in pieces. The
r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
(42:03):
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Rspot,
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. If
(00:36):
you are just joining us, my guest today is Ace Metaphor,
host of Tonight's Conversation on YouTube, and we are dishing
up a relationship soup, talking about many of the things
that we women talk about when there's no man in
the room. I hope you are out there taking notes,
(00:58):
because my guests is truly offering some things that we
as women, regardless of our age, we need to take
this in and consider it. One of the things that
I find so interesting about Ace is that he's telling
on himself. He's telling on the brotherhood of men, and
(01:19):
more important, he is telling on women. If you have
never listened to or seen his show, please put that
on your to do list. I knew I wanted to
have him as a guest when I heard him say
this toxic men one a good woman too. He said,
(01:39):
is the man coming into your life to elevate you
or is he coming to deplete you? You see, your
good qualities are attractive to all men, the good men
and the toxic ones too. Now that right there is
the Hallelujah truth. Let me get back to my conversation
with Ace metaphor. You got a woman at home, you
(02:06):
got kids maybe, or you're in a decent relationship, y'all,
don't fight, you like each other. You're still doing the
wild thing every now and then? Why what is the thought?
What happens? Do you just see the woman and I
gotta have that? Or does something happen? Tell me talk
to me about cheating.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Okay, First, cheating is a lack of boundaries. Cheating doesn't
happen over atnight. It's a conversation that leads to another,
inappropriate conversation that leads to this, at least to that,
and then here you are. So it's a lack of boundaries.
I've always said that men are offensively minded creatures. We
are taught to go pursue, whereas women are the defensive
minded creatures. More so when it comes to dating, defend, reject.
(02:49):
So oftentimes, because we've been so offensively minded, we don't work.
We don't have defense. So when a woman comes and
says something to you, you're not in practice of shutting
it down before it even starts, right, and so that
leads to more temptation than you should allow. And then
finally you go ahead and do what you do. But
the bigger problem, and I've discussed them, here's the thing.
(03:11):
I'm a monogamous individual. I am just advocating for what
I've heard a lot of different ways to love people.
There are some people that believe that how I care
and love this person isn't an indictment on how I
care and love this person. There are people that live
and say I can love multiple different people, I can
(03:33):
have sex with multiple different people, but that is not
an infringement on how I feel about you. The problem
is you didn't get into that type of arrangement. So
here's this man in his head. He's not thinking he's
damaging his actual relationship because it's like, Okay, my love
for you is not lessening because I still feel the
(03:54):
same way. I still have the same loyalty even though
I'm doing my dirt over here. But the problem is
you're vited life in the terms of your relationship. So
I just believe that there are some men that just
don't need to be in monogamous relationships. There are some
men that just need to practice discipline, because even if
you were in a poly relationship, if you lack discipline,
you can still cheat inside those relationships. And it's a
(04:15):
discipline thing. It's a being up front thing and being honest.
And let me tell you this, ta ma, but I'm
gonna tell you this. Look for a second, I thought
about some open relationship things, but then in my head,
I was like, but that would mean that it's open
both ways. I can't deal with that. So I'm gonna
just be disciplined enough to not cross some boundaries.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
I hear you, because that's the other thing, you know,
and which is why women now you know that they're
stepping away. But this is what a brother explained to me.
He said, So you're in a relationship seven, eight, nine,
ten years and you have your little things, but the
one thing is she's on you. You don't do this,
you don't do that. One complaint I have no matter
what I do is not right. And so you're doing that.
(04:59):
You're doing that, and you go to work and there's
a today, a woman there you know, normally you wouldn't
even look at her, you know, maybe a boobs hang
too low, or hair is too short or whatever. But
you come in one day and she notices you because
men like to be noticed. And she says, wow, you
look tired today, and you're like, you look tired today? Nah,
(05:23):
and just off the coffee, says not. Me and my
old lady were going at it. Really, she's listening to you.
She look a little more attractive. And then you just
unload and she listens, and then you'll go your separate ways.
The next day you came in, come in, she brings
you a piece of cake. I baked the cake last night,
and here's a piece of cake. Wait a minute, you
(05:43):
notice me, you listen to me, and I like cake.
You know I like cake. You got some psychics, And
then she'd take the cake. That will say nothing, all right.
And then a couple of days later, you sitting down
eating lunch. Can I join you for lunch? And you
all are sitting in now you're talking about Christmas, Easter,
the football. She likes football. Wait a minute, hold up,
she liked football. She's looking real good. And he explained
(06:07):
to me, that's just how it happens. Here's the part
that I don't get. It happens one time. Now you
got to make arrangements. That's the piece I don't get.
How do you do that? How do you look me
in my face knowing you just got out of another
woman's bed. How do you do that?
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Compartmentalizing it when it comes to this is your ability
to do that. And that's why a lot of successful
men be doing this cheating thing, because sometimes you got
to learn how to compartmentalize how you feel to get
something done. Compartmentalize guilt from maybe screwing a person over
in a business deal, but you had to do it
for your company. To do that, you compartmentalize it so
(06:50):
much and so many things that you even do that
in your relationship. There are men compartmentalize it right now.
You know why because they don't want to get quote
unquote nagged if they bring up how they actually feel
inside the relationships. So here he is you made him mad,
But instead of saying something, I'm just I'm a tuck
it here. And so I just believe that there are
certain men that's able to do that to where even
if that guilt is present from doing what you're doing
(07:12):
and being deceitful. You can tuck it here and you
don't think about it until you revisit that room in
your heart, and oftentimes you don't. It's dusty in there.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
You talked about this, and this is serious. So she's
looking real attractive now to you, and you're sneaking around
every other Tuesday at the wherever you go into her
house and the d and then she comes and she
tells you she's pregnant.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
See now, see now listen now. Now let me tell
you that people got mad at me when I said this, okay,
because there are pocketive people, large percentage of people that
think cheating is disrespectful no matter how you do it.
But in my opinion, there's a less disrespectful way to
cheat and a blatantly disrespectful way to cheat. If you
(07:58):
are out here not per detecting yourself, do it now.
That's a level of disrespect and it's people that sloppingly cheat.
I don't want to be cheapd Let me make this
known to everybody. I don't want to be cheated on.
But if you happen to do this, least care enough
about me to not be sloppy. Please, So the pregnancy
(08:20):
thing is to me, that's a double disrespect because here's
the thing. A lot of people have cheating as deal breakers,
and I understand that I'm a more a factor's person,
Like it's what are the factors here? I still may
lean towards leaving right, but if there is a chance
of reconciliation, factors matter. Whether you use protection matters, how
(08:46):
many times matters, how loudly you were doing this matters.
To me, it made it matters, so for a god
to do that. Now, I want to say this though
the reason I don't like, and I do believe for
some men and women, the reasoning that you said is plausible.
I think that does happen. But I think a good
(09:09):
number of people that are cheating in relationships are otherwise
satisfied in their current relationship. It is not like their
wife don't see them, it's not like they're not having
sex inside their relationship. It's just some people is greed. Okay,
But hear me out There are women right now that
(09:30):
like this man because of his greed, and what I
mean by that in other ways, he has amassed millions
of dollars because he wasn't satisfied at just one hundred thousand,
He wasn't satisfied at just five hundred thousand. He wasn't
satisfied at just a million. He wasn't satisfied at just
one property. He just kept going. It is a character
trait of this man to continue to get more, and
(09:53):
that attracted you to him. The downside, though, is even
in his relationships want more. So it's not like you're
not doing what you need to do. It's not like
you're not satisfying. You're just with a greedy person. And
we call it ambitious, right, And when we like what it,
when we like it, it's ambitious. When we don't like it,
it's greed. But this is a personality traite the ones.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
Who are making one hundred thousand dollars. Yeah, but you
know the truck driver that you still got to help
him cover the life bill. He cheating too.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
See, now that's beyond me.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
That's beyond me, whether you're the million dollar man or
the truck driver or the bus driver whatever. And now
she's pregnant, is it on? See I hold a woman
responsible for that. But that's just me. I'm old school
him not protecting himself or is it her setting him up?
(10:48):
Because that's what I hear all the time, the woman,
the wife at home, or the longtime girlfriend. She gets
mad at the other woman, And I'm saying, but you
don't have a relationship with her, You had a relationship
with him. Why aren't you looking at him? Why wasn't
he protecting himself?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Can I be honest? Please, Okay, y'all gotta let me
get this out. Ultimately, yes, a manship protect himself. But
there are reasons why you can't sign a pre n
up during the middle of sex. It won't be enforced.
We're gonna throw this out because lifelong decisions shouldn't be
(11:25):
happening in the middle of sex. So even if you
come with the intentions of protecting yourself and in whatever,
in the middle of sex. In my life I've heard
many times, hey take it off, and in the middle
of sex, you're not thinking your brain off, you might
do it. And so my point is, I do believe
someone can go Obviously, people can go into this sexual
(11:49):
thing without the intentions of creating a child. But it
happens so much because I just think the way we design.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Sometimes she doesn't know he's married, because he's so out
of any he's allowed to her. He's a lyned to
the wife. He's lying to Jesus deeve.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Can I fight back on that? Can I fight back
on that? Do sometimes you don't know he married? Yeah?
Like I understand that. I understand that, don't get me wrong.
But it's also now, what is your standards with time
and availability? Before we talked about before you get invested
enough in a man to allow him to have sex
with you without protection. So you're allowing this man that
(12:25):
that you don't know where he lived at, then you
ain't never been over his house at that point, you
know what I'm saying. You probably only able to call
every now and again because he can't pick up the phone.
So y'all messaging and sneaking and to so like, it
is now about you putting standards in place before you
get to a certain level of intimacy that a married man,
this dude would have to be. Who do need to
be able to fool you in this situation? But oftentimes
(12:48):
because we are, we are taking scratch from people. You're
giving your body to a man that barely texted you back.
Be honest, this is what's happening because if this man
has a full relationship, marriage and family, yes he may
have some spare time, but it ain't that much. It
ain't that much. If you can't call this man at
seven pm and he pick up and talk to you
(13:10):
for thirty minutes. He got a wife, our girlfriend at home.
Guess what can't nobody call me? It talked to me
for thirty minutes? You can't, and let's do in the
middle of the day. You cannot do it?
Speaker 1 (13:20):
She would let you talk to me?
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Yes, she would, she would, she would, she would.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
I want to hear from you as a man, how
this lands, because it really is an inequality in income.
There are many more high earning women. How do they?
First of all, they think a man who makes less
of them is dating down? But how compensate? How do
(13:50):
what do we need to do as women to adjust
for that? How do we as women navigate that? How
do we and not become a labrat?
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Put it simply before I get to how women can
do it? Men, we have to do a better job
because oftentimes a woman will give you a chance, but
you feel inadequate in that relationship. Is something about that
male ego and that pride she making more than you,
and you become a different person in that relationship then
in a relationship where you are the bread winner. So
(14:23):
we have to do a better job at being more
comfortable and learning our value outside of what we provide financially.
There are men that walk around that doesn't They don't
feel like the man in the house because they're not
providing more financially. But you can provide protection, you can
provide peace, you can provide emotional security, and there's so
many men that are not willing to be teammates. So
(14:44):
before we can get to what women can do more,
men have to really wake up and say, hey, listen,
it's twenty twenty three. I have to bring more to
the table because what I make for a living may
not be enough to keep this woman satisfied because she
already has that. Now, when it comes to women, the argument,
I get it, but there's now they could be lying
(15:06):
to me, or it can just be the type of
followers I have. But let them tell it. They've all
quote unquote dated down, They've all everybody has given a
man a chance. They've done that, and so it's just
about us when we do get that, don't feel like
you're not a man in that situation. Now, for the
women that struggle with it, now that you're not gonna
(15:27):
like my advice, I'm gonna just be real. If you
are a woman that's self aware enough to know you
can't date a man that makes substantially less thing you
and be happy in that relationship and still respect him
as a man in that relationship, do not enter that
relationship because there are certain women that will try to
trick themselves because they don't want to seem shallow. But
(15:49):
you get in this relationship and now you're emasculating that man.
I hate that word, which you know what you're doing exactly.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Where I was going, because we got two movies about it.
Defeat that praise and there's another one. But for the women,
I would say, don't think because he makes less than you,
that he is less than you. And things that women
do whether he makes less or not. Number one, we're
(16:16):
history majors, and we will bring up what you did
back in fifty six of what you said. And the
other thing, this is the hear me, ladies. Women, I
don't care if you're twenty thirty, forty, fifty sixty, I
won't even talk about my age group when you remind
him of how much you're doing. I paid a rent
(16:36):
this mouse, I brought you that car. That is the emasculation,
because inadequacy it's kryptonite to a man's soul.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
And I'm gonna say this, I got to add to that,
there's only one time a man can say this is
my house to a woman before the relationship just changes.
That's right, And that's one of the things I had
to learn in my tuolage as a man like you
got one time to say certain things before the dynamics,
(17:09):
which you got it one time to make it seem
like it's I'm doing all this before that woman looks
at you and trusts you differently. And the surprising part
about this is there are women who have been in
that situation and they've taken the abuse acted on them
from a powerful man and now use that same abuse
to act on someone else, which is mind boggling to me.
(17:33):
Because if you come with that barado in a relationship,
no matter if that's a man or a woman, the
trust is fractured you. And here's the thing I will
tell you about healthy men. I can't speak for the
tops of guys. But you got for a man that's
in tune with itself, a man that respects himself. You
got one time to say that in that situation, or
he will shut down. And then you want to wonder
(17:54):
why this man ain't opening up to you.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Yeah, and the thing is, they leave much creer us.
We threatened to leave at least four times when they
say they gone ay out. Yeah, I know, hold on,
don't you dare move? Because I have a real juicy
question I'm going to ask Ace right after the break.
(18:25):
Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to
the conversation. Ace, rapid Fire, you get together, he moves
into her house. Good thing, bad.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Thing, bad thing. Okay, but you only gave me one choice.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
No, But because this is what happens. See for me,
the man's got to build a nest or we got
to come together. We got to do it together. But
has to be his and I'm coming into it. But
so very often he don't have and he goes into hers.
But that's whole other thing, rapid Fire. He just got
out of jail, and you looking up with a good thing,
(19:02):
bad thing, just got out.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
We're talking bad thing, bad things, bad thing, about that a.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Little bit, because with love after lock up, love during
lock up, people are going there. And for me, I
think when he's coming out of that experience that I
call God's vacation retreat center, and he's coming enter and
back and he needs time to find his new self.
(19:27):
He needs time to find his new self, not to
be trying to please you and find his new self.
That's just me.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Does that make sense? In perfect sense? Man didn't have
his freedom until a month ago, you know what I'm saying,
or two days ago, and so I think this is
about adjusting to that. It's about getting back on your square,
getting getting your life in order, and being able to
focus on that. I would question a man's priorities if
right at that moment he's trying to enter a relationship,
(19:57):
because at a space where you're supposed to be giving
one hundred percent attention to you getting back on your feet,
now you have to divide it between a woman and yourself.
And it's hard in that moment to be able to
be really good for both. So it can work, but
can is not what I'm willing to risk my heart on.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
If you waited for him, if you waited for him, three, four, five, six.
I had a guest on the rd spot recently. Eight
years you waited for him, and he comes out and
within a year he's gone.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Listen, that man had no choice but to write you
the letters. You were one of the women that was
willing to correspond with him. And I even say this
because I've had multiple boys that took a little vacation.
People be thinking dudes in jail don't cheat. They cheat.
It might not be physically, but they make another collect calls. Okay,
(20:50):
they running somebody else's phone bill up too. So my
point is, even in those situations, it makes me feel
bad because I understand you want to be there for
this man as a friend, right, if that's what you
want to do, if you're able to separate that, what
it's eight years of your life for maybe and not
(21:11):
even a good maybe. This whole waiting thing to me,
I just don't get. Don't get waiting if this person
isn't ready when you are ready.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
You're not just talking about jail. You're talking about waiting
for somebody in general.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Is that right in.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
General for him to propose?
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Yeah? Okay, see now you're loading the deck. Okay, if
you got it, to do. If you are twenty two
and you got it to do, you want to wait
a few years, you can wait a few years and
still just be twenty six and you still good. But
some of us, a lot of us is in the
thirties and forties. That waiting stuff is some young people stuff.
(21:53):
If certain things I'm not waiting for you to do,
I'm not waiting for you to be ready. You should
have been ready on our first date. That's where I'm
at right now. You need to be ready from your
finances together, this together. It's just where I'm at now.
Other people may have different grace than me. But if
I'm intentional about finding that marriage or finding that husband,
I need you to be at least ready to do
(22:15):
it now. Whether or not you know it's I'm your
wife or I'm your husband, it's a different thing. But
I need you to be actively searching for that. And
I just don't believe somebody in jail, Okay, I just
don't feel like at that moment they're actively ready because
they have to call you and you have to press
zero and accept the charges. Now. I don't know if
a zero or not because I never had that, But
(22:37):
you get what I'm saying I.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
Do, and let me just clean that up a little bit.
We are not saying that the brothers who are doing
UH in the vacation retreat center are not worthy or
are not worth it. But I hear what he is saying.
They're not ready. They're not ready. Even if you were
his wife when he went in eight years, he may
(23:01):
have never seen an iPad. He's not ready. And I
think that to be loving and kind, you got to
give people some time. Okay, rapid fire. He's got three
babies mamas, and none of them are talking good thing,
bad thing. None of them are talking to him. He's
not in relationship with none of the babies mamas or
the kids. Bad thing, good thing.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Bad thing. When you said or the kids, that's a
bad thing.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
You did a video that said his relationship with you
will determine how he treats his kids. And a bitter
baby daddy is a dead beat.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Yeah, daddies are bitter baby daddies. I believe there are
certain men who lack integrity a sense of responsibility that
will predicate their relationships with the children based off of
how they feel about you. And there are a lot
of women that feel pressured. They feel pressured to keep
access to their time, they body, and their energy with
(23:56):
this man because they know if they take that away,
he not gonna see the kid. And so my thing is, listen,
I know it's both sides to a coin and all
this different stuff. It's gonna be guys like, but you
don't understand my baby mama, three of them though you
got three terrible baby bomas. That's keeping you away from
all three of your kids. Three. And then here's the thing,
(24:18):
even if all that was true, woman, you gotta ask yourself,
what about me? Because obviously he got to I for
pick of bad women. So I'm because if one, two, three,
what about me? Do I sit in that mold? I
have to start questioning myself. So I just don't think
it's a good idea to really date that guy in
that situation.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
That is hysterical. Okay, he's living with his mama for
the past three years after his divorce. Good thing, bad thing,
bad thing. Okay, he is in the midst of a divorce.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Good thing, bad thing, the dame then bad thing.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
I think so too. Yeah, yeah, he doesn't have a
vision good thing, bad thing, bad thing because if he
can't see where he's going. Where am I following him to?
Where am I following him to? Another thing that you
talked about, you said you how do you heal from
a toxic relationship? You said, remember that it was toxic? Yeah,
(25:18):
and that is that's how you heal and that you
got out of it and be grateful about that. But
here this is in rapid fire. But in a relationship,
how do you identify what do I want to say?
I want to say, how do you identify toxic behavior?
(25:39):
And not just how a person is or doesn't.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Matter first, It's more importantly how you are feeling in
this relationship. The reason why I say that is toxicity
poison will affect you. Your body will tell you that
this isn't healthy for me, because too often we try
to get into judging that other partner, trying to label them. Now,
(26:03):
people got the whole dictionary. The're gonna call them this,
that and the other. But the point of the matter
is how are you feeling inside? Is this draining to you?
Do you feel more lonely now than you did when
you was outside of this relationship? Do you feel like
life is heavier now? And is this stress coming from
(26:25):
this person? Or caused by this person, intentionally or not intentionally.
Sometimes we got to understand a toxic person can also
just be a toxic person for us. That person can
be pretty good for everybody else, but for me, this
is toxic and this is why I have to leave.
So I say it just like listening to your body
and paying attention to it, listening to your heart and
(26:46):
pay not just your heart and your brain and paying
attention to it.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
We'll talk about that right after this. Brain Welcome back
to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
I think it's this thing Ason, I know we're going
to get out of here in a minute. I think
it's the thing where you said in one of your shows,
(27:14):
certain men can't handle you, but there are others you can.
And I think for us as women, off of women,
I always put myself in it. Although I'm not looking
for anything right now. It's this thing that we just
want to be chosen. We just want to be the
one Daddy didn't choose us, we didn't get to go
(27:34):
to the prom, or even if we did, ether side
Eye and somebody else. We just want to be chosen
from that place. I just want to be chosen from
that place of I do I have to dumb myself
down to get Somebody tell me the three major mistakes
you think women, young women are making, particularly young women.
(27:54):
What are the three major mistakes women are making when
it comes to dating a partner. What are we doing?
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Not getting out of the house, getting out of the house.
I know it's scary outside. I know outside, ace, oh, outside,
we have to get out the house. That real. That
(28:22):
is the biggest thing. Because you're not gonna get your
man off of Amazon. I looked it up yesterday. You
cannot find tall, dark and handsome men on Amazon. They
do not deliver these men. And so what happens is
because we're not getting out trying new places, meeting new people,
going to new countries. If you got it to do.
(28:43):
If we're doing the same church, we're doing the same gym,
we're doing the same job, the same hangout spot, were
meeting the same three dudes. And so what it does
is it gives you this even over exaggerated perception that
there's no one out there, and it as to your
skel shitty mindset. I would just encourage people to get
out the house, even if it's just for you because
(29:05):
along you following your path and your purpose, you being social,
You're doing things the tend to your mental health. You're
taking these trips, you might stumble across this person. So
that's my first thing is I think most people are
not actively dating. The reason why I say that is
we be giving dating, are scrapped left over time and
then we be expecting a whole husband like full results
(29:29):
and nothing else in life work that way. So that's
the first thing. The second thing is, I don't believe
people have a I can't find the mister right problem.
I think they have a eye hold on to the
mister wrong problem. I think we are holding on to
missus and mister wrong for far too long. It is
about letting go. Listen, I understand somebody may have tricked you,
(29:49):
but as soon as they take that mask off, you
gotta dip. As soon as you see something that you
know violates your deal breaker, you gotta dip. And when
you are giving that extra person three or four months,
any times that by three or four guys, you done
gave a year, two years more of your life that
you could have been available for your mister right. And
then the third thing is and it's going the most,
(30:11):
I guess the most. This is the most important thing.
Date when your self confidence is high. And I know
a lot of people are going to fight back on that,
but I really mean you get the better results when
you are If you are dating when you are broken.
You know you are broken right now. You not really
feeling yourself and I get it. You are looking for
(30:33):
your night and shining armor here. You are looking for
that guy to do that. Guess who also go after
wounded things, vultures. Your unhealed nature will attract people that's
looking to take advantage of you. I want people to
understand that. I get it. But there are resources, people,
(30:56):
places that can help you get to a functioning level
vote sufficient enough for your self confidence to be a
protection during dating. Date when you feel like you are
a prize not just a participation trophy. All right?
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Is lovely? Date when you feel like you are a
prize not a participation trophy. Let me ask you this.
This is just for me. I'm old.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
Define dating dating Okay, it's a lot of different terms.
You got to follow me here, Okay, Because in twenty
twenty three, you got vibing, kicking it, linking, chilling, yeah,
hooking up. You got all these yeah dating, and I
want to put a I want to put a qualifier.
(31:44):
Intentional dating, not recreational dating, not experimental dating. Intentional dating
is when we are actively looking for a partner, and
I think it's up to us to define what type
of dating this person is doing. Make sure we got
(32:06):
the same definitions. Because you can say you're dating, they
can say you're I'm dating. But a lot of people
are experimental dating, are recreational dating, and here you are
linking yourself. You're intentionally dating, looking for somebody to be
a husband or wife, But they're recreational dating. They're just
trying to get out the house and have fun. So
we just need to make sure our definitions match up.
It's too many terms and terminologies, So ask people plainly, Hey,
(32:30):
what are you dating for? Okay, and then I'm gonna
tell you this. Let me tell you this an intentional man.
Now the lady's gonna ask me where do I find this? Man?
I don't know. If I do this, I'd be a
billionaire if I knew where to find these me and that. Ooh,
but intentional man, when you ask him, yo, what are
(32:51):
you looking for?
Speaker 1 (32:52):
What?
Speaker 2 (32:52):
Are you dating? What's your intentions through dat? And they're
gonna tell you, hey, listen, I'm ready, I'm ready. That's
why you asked me all those rapid fire questions. I
was saying, bad thing is because I want a man
to be ready in his own lane wherever he feels
like ready means for him. Because when you now daty,
you may be thirty three at that point, you may
be thirty four, whatever time, thirty five, where you wherever,
(33:13):
however long it took you to get there. When somebody
asks you that, or when you ask that man, you're
not running, he not running from you. He gonna be like, hey, listen,
I'm looking for a wife. I'm looking for something serious.
You know what I'm saying. I'm looking for somebody I
could deal with, you know what I mean. And he's
not gonna run away from that. And the guys that do,
you didn't need them in your life in the first
place anyway.
Speaker 1 (33:33):
All right, So those are the three things that women
need to do. Get out of the house, dake, when
your confidence is high. And what was the other one
you said, when your confidence is high?
Speaker 2 (33:45):
You asked me too fast? It was something like that, Yeah, yeah,
you gotta g.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
So now here's my other. I want you to give
me three things for this. Okay, this is a big question,
and I know you were talking general, but it's going
on with you.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
People can be I'm gonna be completely honest with you.
These men are satisfied. Satisfied people rarely change. Men are
more satisfied and fulfilled in the current state of dating.
So what would motivate them to change and be better?
(34:19):
So it's just it's a sad truth, but it's to
I don't have to be better. I can mess up
here and another woman will still pick me. One of
your clips, which is that I see often is when
I guess on your show you had like it was
like ten guys, but they had like eighty hundred kids
between them.
Speaker 1 (34:38):
As one he had thirty seven children.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
And so my point is even and he might be
a great guy, but just follow me here. Now I'm
not gonna use him. But even in that situation, a
woman will still pick that man. A woman will still
be chosen by that man. And the problem with men
is that women still will pick be will still deal
with us. So there's no So now it makes you lazy,
(35:04):
it makes you comfortable. It doesn't make you try harder
and be better because you can be exactly who you
are falls in awe and some women will deal with you.
And so that is our problem. So now when you
talk about men not really embracing improving and being more
emotionally available for women in twenty twenty three, because again
we talked about finances are not enough to impress no more.
(35:27):
Oh there's a woman right here that is still just
take me as I am. So I'm gonna just deal
with her instead of dealing with a woman I may
actually want, but this makes me work for it, so
I'd rather the easy thing. So I think that is
the major problem with a large portion of men, is
that now for the men that are together, I think
(35:49):
we still haven't balance what relationships look like. I can
speak for myself. Let me not just speak for myself
because I don't have children yet. But there are men
that still have that traditional mind mindset but don't realize
that they have to now be more than just their pocketbooks.
Now it's time to be in our child's lives. It's
not just paying for the daycare, it's not just paying
(36:11):
for things. In Disappearance sixty seventy eighty hours a week.
Are you actively involved? There? Are you doing? We need
to do so? I think it's too pronged. It's we can't.
I'm gonna say this nicely. Women are not going to
force us to be better. We have to want to
be better for ourselves.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
There must be consequences for bad behavior. You can't just
continue to accept and accept and think it's going to change.
What a sustaining to us is. There's no incentive to change.
And women think of it in terms of lowering their standards,
and I think that in terms of setting the water
(36:48):
level to even expect a man to be at a
certain level for himself. A man who doesn't have a vision,
in a sense of purpose is not going to get
one for you if he doesn't have one for himself.
I want him to have a purpose, a vision, what
(37:09):
he loves, what he doesn't love, what he won't do.
It's got to have a certain moral compass, a moral compass,
all right. So that's what's wrong with men. They're satisfying.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
Can I just add one more thing. It's gonna take
five seconds.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
Oh take as much time as you like.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
We have to do better as men. Going back in
our community and being there for those boys that don't
have fathers. It can't just be that's not our problem,
Like we be calling ourselves leaders and men want to
be leaders so much, but are you getting back in
that community and are you investing in sharing these young
(37:46):
boys with men or how you define masculinity or what
leaders or protectors look like are helping out? And that's
what's not happening. And I just would encourage, and I
wish we could have a meeting, right, I wish we
could have a get all guys together. We have a
big meet and we talk about it. But in the meeting,
we need to do that, man, because I feel like
those of us who are responsible, those of us that
(38:09):
does have standards and morals and know how, and we
gotta be we got to pass that on in the
absence of some of the brothers that ain't stepping up.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
And I know a lot of brothers are doing it.
I want to talk to the ones that are leaving
and remain absent and leave with women who don't have
what those boys needs. What do you have to say
to them?
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Man, the thief, you're right, Like, you're right, It's just
there's no consequence. Single mom leave the kid undertended for
forty eight hours, she go to jail. Dad lead a
kid unattended for eighteen years. Nothing happens. That's right, because
(38:52):
there's no real consequence. And then here's the thing. You
can say, child supporter is a consequence, but you make
it out cheaper. You actually make it out cheaper. So
because I know I wish there was, here's what needs
to happen, and I do it myself. If you not
taking care of your kids, you can't come hang with me.
You just can't. You can't be in my circle at all.
(39:12):
You can't be in my circle you're not taking care
of your kids.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
Brothers have to call brothers on that.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
We have to change it. We can't expect because we
can't expect women to solve a man issue. We ourselves
because I'm gonna tell you this, and I don't care
when nobody else think me and care about how other
men view them. They do even more so sometimes and
the women they with. If we step up and say, yo,
(39:39):
we ain't messing with you, with you, if you ain't
doing this, if blah blah blah, then that will inspire change.
But you leaving that single man thinking you're gonna change
him when a thousand other women a daity is not
gonna help. So I think we have to do a
better job. And I also want to say this before
you let me go. This was a complete honor of
mine to be here. I was actually shocked that your
team reached out and it just you got to understand
(40:02):
this is a pretty big deal. I might get off
here and cry on my couch because I'm feel like this,
because this is really a really cool thing. So I
just want to thank you for this opportunity to come
on here and speak to you.
Speaker 1 (40:13):
Let me tell you something. I as an elder, I
think it is my responsibility to be in touch with,
to stay in touch with, to be on top of
the youngins. So if I had never spoken to you,
I see you doing something good. My responsibility is to
pray for you. There's so many of you, and particularly
(40:34):
young men, and as a great grandma, I've got to
cover you because I know the society doesn't and I
know you have your struggles and your challenges, and I've
got a son and a grandson and a great grandson.
It tickles me. I love you all. You got a
grandmother praying for you. Appreciate it, our spot family. I
(40:59):
wish to give some snaps to Ace metaphor and thank
him for being with us today, and just continue to
do your work. If you're out there listening, and listen
before you get into your opinions and your upset so
you do agree or disagree, go back, listen to this,
hear what you need to hear for you and how
(41:21):
you can implement it, because so very often we get
so into our opinions and our agreements and disagreements that
the truth just passes over our head. Go back and
to the elder you midwives in forty, at fifty, at sixty,
you midwives ushering younger women in Hear what this young
man said today and share it with the young women
(41:42):
in your world. And I will see you next time.
In the meantime, stay in peace, not in pieces. The
r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
(42:03):
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
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