September 25, 2024 • 40 mins
Welcome to the mysterious world of love languages and attachment styles with all the seriousness of a karaoke night gone wrong. Ever wondered why your partner's idea of "acts of service" is sending memes? Or why you're a "secure" person until you get left on read for two hours? The hosts break it down for you.
Maya Murillo and Curly Velásquez are the hosts of the Super Secret Bestie Club with production support by Karina Riveroll of Sonoro Media in partnership with iHeart Radio's My Cultura Podcast network. If you want to support the podcast, please rate and review our show!
Follow Maya Murillo on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok @mayainthemoment
Follow Curly Velásquez on Instagram and TikTok @thecurlyvshow and on Twitter @CurlyVee
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
I love you, Curly.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Get off me, Maya. You know I'm gonna avoid an attachment.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Give me a hug. Don't knock your shelf in there, Curly,
I just want to hug you.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
Isn't this one of your love languages though being chased?
Speaker 2 (00:20):
True? Get in here.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
My name is Curly and I'm Maya, and welcome to
the Super Secret bestI Club Podcast. A super secret club
where we talk about super secret things.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Yeah, like secrets that are super That's what it is.
In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreaks, men,
and of course our favorite secrets. Get in here.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
Another episode of the Super Secret bestI Club Podcast. Carletos Week, Ezacky.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Calla Kazaki.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
How's it going in your neck of the woods.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
It's really pretty good. I'm a little sleepy today. It's
fairly chilly, per it's kind of a hot day. But
I'm in my parents.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Oh, you have a central acy, so.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
They have central acy. Wow.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Wow. I had to turn off my wall unit and
my desk fan for this. So I'm going that you're
staying cool.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Yeah. Yeah. In my apartment, I have like I have
two wall aces or window acs, and I just between
me and my pipol and my Doggi's there and my
little terrier, Like it's just too much, my little snake.
But how's your spirit doing in this heat?
Speaker 3 (01:40):
I'm doing fine.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Listen.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
I am a desert girl. Okay, I'm a desert rat.
I was born for this baby, but I'm not born
for like the humidity, because it's been humid here. As
some of you may not know, we're going through a
heat wave in Los Angeles. It's been one hundred and
five to one hundred and today it's actually only going
(02:03):
to be ninety one or two, and then it just
cools down a week from today, it's gonna be like
seventy seven.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Oh, I'm so excited. That's why I'm going to go
home and just enjoy it being back in my apartment
with all my windows open.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
What a luxury, What a luxury. It is still your
parents in the same stage.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Well, you know, it's funny because at your parents' house
they have the ac going too, so it's always like
really nice going there because it's always comfy. Yeah, that's cool.
I feel like essentral ac is so like, you know,
it's a little it's a privilege. It's a privilege in
these streets. But today we're going to be talking about
something that we always we love to talk about, sprinkles
(02:41):
winkle energy, talking about love, and we were talking about how,
you know, love languages and attachment styles are still a
really big thing that's part of like the datings like guys,
so just kind of like what people talk about when
they're trying to figure each other out. I was just
talking to some about what their languages are and talking
(03:02):
about what mine are. But we were starting to think,
like how accurate are they still, and how like what
are they? Are they meaningful to us still? And is
this something that might be hindering actually falling in love
with somebody and enjoying an actual relationship.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Well, actually what came to mind was like I started
seeing a bunch of dating coaches staying away from the
love language attachment style conversation. They're saying that it's bullshit.
It originated from the nineteen ninety two book The Five
Love Languages The Secret to Love that lasts by Baptist
(03:41):
pastor Gary Chapman. I don't ever want to take advice
from a pastor, so I did not. I didn't know that,
but they're starting to say that it's what.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
I yonned, but I was also making a young face.
I was like, and then I suppose you're.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
So. I was interested in just why these dating coaches
are not about it anymore and why we still are
holding on to it, and have we been guilty of
weaponizing them a little bit or putting our loved ones
or ourselves in boxes like we have a whole I
asked chat GBT, like, why are some love coaches critical
(04:31):
of love languages and attachment styles? And they gave us
a whole thing which we're going to get into, but first, like,
let's just go back to the basics. Love languages and
attachment styles can change as we grow into new people.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
As we age.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
Let's just start with maybe our love languages.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Now. Yeah, I still kind of like them, to be honest,
because it, at least to me, it's not necessarily like
the roadmap of how to like look at somebody completely
and understand what it is that they like. It certainly
is the way to kind of like get your foot
into understanding a person, right like if you're going into
it for the first time, and you know, like minds
are my top three year words of affirmation, quality, time,
(05:11):
and touch, so if I'm telling you, like I like
you to be I love dating and when guys are
like babe, you look good, or like, oh you're so
cute or you look sexier, like little things like that,
like man, I fucking looked out when I got your
fine ass, Like I like shit like that, and I
do that, and I like to I like to receive that.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Yeah, what's the what's the receiving and what's the giving part?
Speaker 2 (05:34):
I would say that I'm both. I'm all of those.
So those are my top three that I give, and
those are my top three that I like to receive.
Like when I like you, like I want to touch you,
I want to hang out with you as much as
we can. I want to sleep over, and I will
cat call you in the hallway of like our home,
like I will be like, look at that fine ass
(05:54):
pool and it's like my betfriend, you know what I mean.
Like I'll be at the club and I'll be like,
let me get your number, like anyone.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Seeing this finance man right here?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Yeah yeah, yeah, Like those are those are I'm not
really like an acts of service or receiving gifts, Like
I can do all that by myself, Like thank you,
for maybe acts of service, but all the other stuff,
What about yours? What do you what do you like?
And then what do you receive or how do you
show it?
Speaker 3 (06:22):
As a refresher, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch,
acts of service, receiving gifts. Right, we're all aware of
those things, Oh man, I think yeah, words of affirmation
used to be my number one. I don't know, Yeah, no,
I think I think it's my number one still, quality
(06:43):
time number two, and then three physical touch, Yeah, I
think giving I am a very I think I'm an
We're a big words of affirmation person, physical touch and
quality time I think would third. But I also like
to give gifts, and I like to do acts of
(07:03):
service a lot, I think.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
I think I also like to receive.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
Acts of service because it's and gifts too, Like I
think anything to where you were like thinking of me
based on something that's based on my lore, based on
something that I told you that you remembered, like, I
think there's a I think there's more kind of languages
that are not being shown here, because I really like
(07:30):
when people think and consider me in the way that
I think for me when I give, I'm a very
like I really strive to be considerate and really know
that like, Okay, he likes this, this and this, Like
I'm gonna do that or I'm going to show him that,
you know, I listened, or I know that I care
about him having a good time, you know, or like
(07:53):
you know, and vice versa. Like that's something really really
big to me, where like if I feel like you're
not considering me, then I feel the most unloved because
I feel like I don't need I don't need you
to tell me that I'm pretty or that I'm funny
or that I'm talented or that i'm whatever. Like if
you're not showing up for me like in that way,
then I don't feel loved at all, you know, because
(08:15):
the words are cheap sometimes.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yeah, but that's what I'm saying, Like, even though you
might not like them, the way that you're talking about
them right now kind of tells me that they are
a good way to at least get their foot in
the door in terms of like the things that you do.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Like it's like an icebreaker, Yeah, it's definitely an icebreaker.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Yeah, I thought they should be thought about too, right,
Because the other thing too, is that then we have
the attachment styles, right, like the anxious attachment, uh, and
the avoidant attachment and the fearful avoidant or the disorganized
and that's kind of like the avoid the anxious is
kind of like somebody who's like, why aren't you texting me?
Or are they are they cheating? Are they doing something?
(08:54):
Do they like me? Oh my god, I fucked it up,
like all the anxiety, And then the avoidant is kind
of like, oh my god, they like me. I need
to back up. They like me too much. That's an
ick for me, Like, you know, avoidance are kind of
like they like a little bit more of the chase,
I would say. And then the fearful avoidant is kind
of like new, oh and I missed secure secures the
last one, and fearful avoidant is kind of like, that's
(09:16):
the new one. I feel that it's like the disorganized
one that I'm not too familiar with. But I think
it's kind of self explanatory that it's somebody who's just
like probably afraid of falling in love until they avoid
it is maybe my understanding. I could be wrong.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
I think it's like you're getting too close, so I'm
going to back away.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Which is also just like so I'm like grow up,
you know, and then secure is the last one that
kind of like is the one that you're okay with somebody.
You're kind of you kind of meet people with where
they're at, Like I think I'm a little bit more there,
Like I'm a little bit more like I'm okay if
you're an anxious attachment person, but you kind of have
(09:55):
to meet me in the middle, like because I can't
keep I'm not gonna like like foster that energy and
allow you to keep being anxious because it's just like, well,
then we need to move on because I don't want
that energy on me. I don't want to become because
I do think that you fluctuate and you do become
those things as well, Like you're not going to be
(10:15):
anxious with everybody, and you're not going to be an
avoidant with everybody. You can fluctuate depending on how this
partner's treating you.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
Yes, I was going to say that.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I think each attachment style shows up differently when you're
with somebody who can trigger different parts of you. And
I think our attachment styles are one hundred percent our
own responsibility. And you can also be an anxious avoidant
or an avoidant anxious. You know, you can be a
(10:44):
combination of them, which also kind of is mind boggling.
And I think, like for me, when I first heard
about love languages and attachment styles, it was attachment styles
are they're They're an actual thing, Like I don't think
they're bullshit. There is this book called Attached where you
(11:04):
can kind of like read it and see where you fall,
or just learn about the different attachment styles.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
I have it. I haven't read it.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
I've had it for years. I should probably read it,
but who knows. And I heard about this probably like
I would say twenty fourteen or twenty thirteen, and definitely
clung on to these attachment style love languages kind of
(11:30):
like h lingo, dug my claws into it and stood
firm in it and was like, Okay, well, obviously our
attachment styles are not going to work. Or he's just
an avoidance so that's why he's acting like that, or like, well,
his his number one is physical touch, so he just
wants to have sex with me, Like, oh, what a
(11:51):
recipe for disaster, Like, especially when it's not accompanied by therapy.
You know, I was not in therapy back then, Like
and I totally feel like I was sometimes weaponizing these
things or using them as excuses or you know, we
kind of can take things in runt with it and
like you know, like co opt it, you know. And
(12:13):
I think that's where it gets a little bit. I
don't know where were you when you first heard about
these or like when did you for like full I.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Started to hear about them in like twenty twenty maybe
or twenty twenty one, and I think that that was
kind of like the beginning of being able to you know,
I started to dive. I was diving into my first
few long term relationships, like as a sober person, which
is completely different as like a young, drunk twenty year old.
And so I feel like hearing those things that's when
(12:43):
I first heard it. And I was like, oh, okay,
but I will say that they have changed, like they
have changed drastically. Like when I first heard it, I
was like one hundred percent acts of service, one hundred
percent like uh, receiving gifts like I loved, like, oh
my god, I love when people think of me and
(13:19):
that's my jam. Acts of service like he wants to
go put gas in my car, Like that is the
sweetest thing. And then I got older and started making
kind of like more money instead of being able to
have like a little bit more autonomy in my own life,
and so gifts were like I could buy that myself,
Like I appreciate for thinking of me, but like.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
You took the meaning out of it.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
It took me, Yeah, exactly. I think before I was
just like and I think, when I think about it,
this is at the beginning of kind of like my
life at BuzzFeed and being like so busy with work
and creating content and being so busy at BuzzFeed that
I was like an act of kind an act of
kindness or an active service for me was fulfilling and
(13:59):
helping me, you know.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
So how I feel about them now, I I think
like I said before that I think now they can
be weaponized a little bit, and I think we a
lot of people have co opt them, and I I think,
like I think it was like twenty twenty, I was
like dating someone and I had asked like, oh, like,
(14:24):
what's your love language or this is my love language?
She's like, I'm assuming you want to know mine. I'm like, oh,
like why are you guys say it like that? Like
it was just a thing that like, ah, these girls
are so like like astrology, you know, it's like the
new thing we're obsessed with of, Like what's your fucking
birth time? Which I never will ever ask for anyone's
birth time ever ever.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Again really ill, I'm like, I don't.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Know, maybe if we're like together together, like if we're
exclusive or whatever, I just don't want to know yet
unless we like have that conversation. I will ask if
they know they're Big three, but I won't go deeper than.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
That, just because I'll ask, like if you know your
deep three, if your top three, And if they're like no,
I don't know, I keep it moving. But if they're
like no, how do I find out? I'm like, well,
what's your birth time? You know? I'm not going to
just like bring that out there and just say it myself.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
So, now some of the some of the research that
I've seen, according to chat GBT, I typed in, like,
why are some coaches so just like against love language
and anxious stuff? And so it gave us a lot
of different reasons. So let's read off a couple of
the reasons. So, first of all, it says like some
(15:38):
coaches are critical of love languages and attachment style theories
because they feel these frameworks can be overly simplistic or misunderstood.
So there's the over simple simplification of complex relationships. They
can reduce the complexity of relationships to a single label
or concept, you know, be a combination of factors emotional, psychological, historical.
(16:04):
Just boiling that, boiling them down to I'm a secure
attachment or I need words of afformation doesn't capture the
full picture, which I agree, like just saying words of
like I need words of affirmation, Well what does that mean?
Like you need to be affirmed? Okay, you're pretty well? No,
that doesn't make me feel good because then it's like, well,
do you just like me because of my looks? Like yeah,
(16:25):
I need validation or affirmation in that why do you
want to be with me?
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Or why do you like me?
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Or like little things here and there not necessarily Like
I had I dated someone who was like, oh, I
don't give compliments out unless I really mean them.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
I hate that so much I've heard and.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
That foot me up. I guess why, here's a virgo?
What do you have to say for your kind?
Speaker 2 (16:52):
I mean September August, probably August August.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
That's the word. And that's the end.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
That's the end of that, you know what. I had
a friend who, like, one time, I was like, why
don't you ever like my photos on Instagram? You're one
of my closest friends, And he was like, I'm very
picky with what I like, Like I want when I
like something, I want to put something you know, I
want to really like it. It means that I really
like it. And I'm like, get over.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
It's a double tap, Like.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
Why wouldn't you want to compliment the person you're You're
who has the bombas.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
The bombs pussy alive? Why why didn't you want to
compliment that ship?
Speaker 3 (17:44):
Like why wouldn't you want to shout it from the
motherfucking rooftops?
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Like sorry, but like hello, what okay?
Speaker 2 (17:54):
So you want him to call your pussy pretty? No? Okay?
Well really a firm herber gene gene. I just feel
like I think this is right, the oversimplic simplification of
compost relationships. I think that to me, that just means
that it's kind of like, how are you following up? Right?
(18:16):
Like this is what I always say that when you
talk about triggers. That's okay when you talk about like activations,
that's okay, But where's the accountability? Right? So like let's
just say you walk in and you're like I need
words of affirmation. That's okay, but like is it in
a way that it's like I need words of affirmation
or I fall apart? Like or is it healthier where
(18:37):
you're like no, I like I just like it a lot,
Like if you want to get in my panties, like
just tell me that you tell me nice things and
you'll have me. You know, like if you're like I'm
an anxious attachment, like do you want to talk about
it so that you don't have to be anxious? Like
how do we explore that? Like what is what is
the root? What is the deeper meaning of having these things?
Because otherwise it's just kind of like when it just
(18:59):
ends there, you're like I'm an anxious or I'm an avoidant,
you're kind of like are you going to do anything
about it? Like do you like it?
Speaker 3 (19:06):
And you're also assuming that they know they have knowledge
about it too. You know, it feels a little bit
elitist to be like, oh, with these are my love
language isn't my attachment style?
Speaker 1 (19:18):
What's yours? Oh you don't know or oh that like it.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Just kind of.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Something about it. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
It just has I think sometimes it turns into like weaponizing, yeah,
and it just it feels weird.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Yeah. I mean the next thing too that it says
is that it's self limiting beliefs. And it's kind of
just like, you know, when you go into a relationship
and you kind of already are wearhing this title, this
badge of being an anxious or being an avoidant, right,
and you're like, I'm an anxious attachment therefore I'm going
to be this way, you know, uh, And you're kind
of like, I can see that, Like, but people have
(19:55):
to understand that your attachment styles also will change according
to the partner that you're Like. I have never, and
most of my relationships ever been an anxious attachment attached
person like I just if I'm with you, I genuinely
I usually date men that I feel very confident with
that I know that they're happy with me, and I'm
happy with them. But you know, I've had relationships that
(20:17):
I've brought out the anxious in me that have made
me act out and lash out in ways that I'm like,
this is not my usual, this is not me, Like
why am I? And I have been very lucky that
I'm self reflective enough to be like, I don't like
this version of me. I need to get out of it.
Like I don't like who I'm becoming, you know, I
don't like that I'm now acting out or doing certain
(20:40):
things that are go against my own moral behavior or
my own moral compass. And I act out and start
to display behaviors that I'm like not necessarily proud of,
Like looking through a cell phone.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Right, yeah, like.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
Like holding the phone up to his face while he's sleeping,
trying to get his finger on the phone.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Did you have any experience or yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Absolutely? I remember one of these nights. I was like
in bed, the phone was going off. I reached over
and I was like, oh my god, I'm genuinely I
have never done this in my entire life. I have
never been this person. But that night I was like, Okay,
what are some dates? Birthday? Okay, the birthday shit, okay,
the last four digits of his phone number? Okay? Fuck?
(21:27):
What is the last four of the social security Hey?
Speaker 1 (21:32):
And did you find something out.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
I didn't get in, but I do feel like I
didn't need to. That was already me getting to that
point in my own spirit was more than enough for
me to go, like, this is so ugly. I never
want to be up at night unable to sleep because
I just am trying to do something that is just
shady and I wouldn't want I wouldn't want people doing
(21:56):
that to my phone, so why would I do that
to their phone?
Speaker 3 (21:59):
I also think so limiting beliefs and labeling yourself as
like it said, I'm an anxious attachment, so I'll always
be this way, it can be a little harmful to
yourself because I definitely have been. I used to say
that all the time, like I'm just an anxious attachment.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
I'm just anxious. I'm anxious.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
And it doesn't feel good on your nervous system to
call yourself anxious, to even say those words, because then
it makes you anxious.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
You know.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
It's like, how are you ever supposed to move out
of these attachment styles that have been a little bit
harmful to yourself but mostly to like relationships if you're
constantly labeling yourself as anxious, you know, And I think
that's what I was doing a lot and it didn't
feel good. So I no longer say that. I mean,
(22:47):
I'll say like here and there, like I have a
tendency to be anxious when this happens, but I don't
really like to. I'm moving away from calling myself an
anxious attachment style or anxious anything because it just kind
of makes me anxious.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
You know what's funny is that for so long identified
as an avoidant, Like for so long, like I'm like,
I'm an avoidant, I'm an avoidant, And then through working
with my therapist, like she was basically one day she
was like, honestly, you're not an avoidant. Like when I
hear you like kind of like in comparison to other
people that I talk to, like, you're more like a
(23:24):
secure like you're you're talking about your you actually are
really good at vocalizing your needs and your wants. You're
actually very good at being like I need to bring
this up and talk about this. And so I feel
like that already is you're not avoiding anything, right, Like,
and the anxious part of me of being like are
we this or are we not? Like I kind of
(23:45):
lean into the like either we are we aren't, and
I give it to God and I give it to
life and whatever it is. But it took somebody else
to give me that sort of like ability to see
myself right. It took somebody else, a professional to come
back in because otherwise I think I would have continued
to be honest, I would have continued. And what's crazy
is that when you get into new relationships and they
(24:06):
ask you what are you, they do hold it against you,
they do they do go like, oh, this is I
told one boyfriend and I was like, yeah, I do
have a history of like running away from things, Like
I do have a history of being an avoidant, and
I run from things. And when he was doing shit
that I was like not cool with and I was like,
I'm going home, he was like, there you go. You
run away. You are the type person that runs away.
(24:28):
I'm like, I just a'm going home, Like I'm not
running away, We're not breaking up. I'm just getting the
fuck out here and I'm going home. I'll talk to
you tomorrow, you know, like which you know could also
be seen as toxic.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
But these next couple of ones, I kind of want
to group them into one thing. So it's this risk
of misapplication. People misunderstand or misuse love languages and attachment styles,
and instead of using them for growth, they might use
these frameworks to justify bad behavior, avoid accountability, and demand
things from their partners, which.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
Like I'm just an avoidant, babe.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
I mean you're just anxious and you're just anxious like.
Speaker 3 (25:04):
One of my we're just like what am I supposed
to do? Or like well, like you know, that's not
my your love language is affirmations. That's not my love language,
like it just it and it's also another The next
one says encourage encouraging dependency on labels, limiting focus on
communication skills, promoting compatibility over connection. So a lot of
(25:27):
these are like we're putting too much power on these
frameworks and theories that like this is one way to
be this is what you know? This is these are
the barriers and guidelines of when it's like you're supposed
to develop your own individual with yourself first, what is
your own love language, not like dependent on you know
(25:52):
what this the five love languages are or the attachment
styles like I know I get this way if I
know I don't feel loved when I feel like this,
and that that is because of whatever, you're supposed to
develop your own sense of it and then come together.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
You know.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
And then it's like there's been certain there's I have
seen in the in the past too of like when
I have been anxious, I do attract of avoidant people.
Sometimes that's there's some truth to that, for sure, But
it's like promoting compatibility over connection, like there's not a
for instance, someone might decide to not pursue a relationship
(26:46):
with someone who doesn't seem like they're matt they match
their attachment style or love language. Like I feel like
I've been guilty of that. Like sometimes of like oh
he's I tend and I have a tendency to go
for avoidant people. I mean do that because I'm already
feeling like that he's an avoidant person, instead of being like, hey,
I'm noticing that you're pulling away a little bit or
(27:07):
that you're whatever, Like you know, that's where it gets
a little bit like.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Oh yeah, because I kind of think about when people
talk to me that are anxious, I tend to attract
anxious because I am avoidant, right Like when they tell me, hey,
I notice that you're changing, that actually makes me more
avoidant because I'm kind of like I feel like for me,
I like when we're both kind of moving in sort
of like an unsaid common frequency, like where I'm like,
(27:34):
we're literally just vibing. I'm vibing your vibing, and I'm
enjoying it. I'm having a lot of fun. I'm really
like this is really cool for me, Like I consider
myself a stable individual and I'm clearly like hanging out
with you because I think the same of you. And
so when it starts to get a little bit sticky
where it's like what is this and what is that?
(27:56):
And I'm like and maybe I don't think that we're
there yet or I'm kind of like, oh, I don't
know that i'm in agreeance with Like you know, I'm
trying to think of like even okay, let's talk about sex, right,
Like you might be like, hey, I'm ready to have sex,
and I'm like, well, I'm not, like I'm not, and
you're like, well, don't you kind of feel like we should?
(28:16):
And if I don't agree that it's time or you know,
or it's too soon or it's too late, like I
that might be a turnoff for me because I might
be like, ell, this person only wants sex, or like
what's the thing that they're interested in? So it can
be kind of like a thing where I feel like
(28:36):
a little bit like scary. It makes it kind of
like oh, I'm gonna run. But you only find those
things out if you aren't in in the sort of
relationship dance with somebody, right, like relationship? Oh yeah, yeah,
Like I always picture like we got to dance with
different people on the dance floor. You got to feel
like who has your rhythm and who do you have
(28:56):
your rhythm with? Until you don't anymore? And that's also okay.
There's nothing wrong with getting in with somebody, and because
the thing is is that we are ever changing, right
like when we are ever growing. Like I know a
boyfriend that I had a couple of years ago used
to be like, you're an anxious avoidant, like for sure,
for sure, you know, like you need to go to therapy.
(29:18):
You have a lot of things that you have to
work on. You are just kind of like running from
all of it. And he was totally right, totally right,
And you know, I went to therapy and I've been
in it and I stayed in it, and I enjoyed it,
and it's been something that has allowed me to kind
of rest on the thing that I'm like, No, I
(29:39):
like check in with a professional like every week or
every other week, and I think I'm doing okay, and
the professional that I check in with like also things
that I'm doing okay. So how do I move forward
in this relationship? You know?
Speaker 1 (29:53):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (29:54):
I think that's the main point of everything, is that
I think all of this stuff if you are labeling
yourself from something you saw on TikTok or self diagnosing,
which self diagnosing is not bad at all. I think
that's how it first starts in your diagnosis journey with anything,
is you're supposed to notice these things within yourself. But
(30:17):
I think taking it too far by not kind of
affirming them with a professional like you just said and
accompanying all these things with a professional professional's advice is
like the biggest thing, because I think the thing that
feels so shitty is when someone does label you something
like you are an avoidant, you are an anxious and
(30:41):
you kind of believe them because you're like they're seeing
you from this outside of view and you trust them
and you're putting you know, but who's to say that
they're not manipulating you, you know, or like.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
That's that's kind of like a social content. I think
that we all have a social contract with one another,
with your best friends, your family, your significant other, that
you are hoping that when they're offering some sort of
advice or some sort of you know, thoughts on your
behavior and you that it's not to manipulate you, right, absolutely,
you kind of hope that you're like, you're giving me
(31:15):
this because I'm thinking this, So I don't know. I
don't know, but I do. I do feel like it
has been helped in other situations too, where I was
talking to my therapists and I was explaining some behaviors
that I was experiencing from an individual a while ago,
and they were and she immediately was like, this all
sounds like anxious attachment. You know, like they're just are anxious.
(31:38):
They like you keep monitoring it. You're it's okay that
they like you, but like you have to also set
your boundaries in terms of like what that means to
you to be in a relationship with somebody who might
not believe you when you're like.
Speaker 3 (31:53):
There needs a little bit more reassurance yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Because the other thing too is like I honestly, with me,
I get very to I'm okay with reassuring people. I'm
very big on being like, hey, I see you. I
want to acknowledge that you did this and I think
it's really cool, like good for you. But I also
am very big on being like I need you to
not need me to do that for you all the time,
(32:20):
Like I can't.
Speaker 3 (32:21):
Yeah, we're see accountability the self regulation.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
Yeah, I can't keep having come to Jesus conversations with
you like and being like no, like I said before,
like we're forever. I had I had a good friend
where every four for like every three to four months,
we'd have a conversation about are we still good friends?
And I would be like, yeah, what do you mean,
Like you're once you're in with me? Like we're in,
(32:46):
Like that's it, We're locked in for life, like there
is no like is this are we still there? Like
and it started to kind of be like I'm kind
of I don't know how else to show you, like
we're always we spend time together, we do fun things.
I don't know how to show you, And so it
got kind of tiring for me, right like I just
but I don't know. Is that because I'm gonna avoidant
(33:06):
or is that because I'm a secure.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Who knows? Who knows?
Speaker 3 (33:15):
Welcome to the astrology portion of the podcast. I wanted
to do a little fun little thing and ask what
do we think are the love languages of a Virgo,
of an are's of a Pisces.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Of the signs?
Speaker 2 (33:31):
Who needs words of affirmations? Water signs?
Speaker 1 (33:35):
Water signs?
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Yes, absolutely, my Mars and my Mercury. Mars is the
conflict planet. How you handle conflict? Mercury is communication? Are
both water signs one Mercury is My Mercury is in
Pisces and my Mars is in Cancer. So when I
get upset about something and I feel like I'm not
(33:58):
being seen or heard or acknowledged, I'm like, yeah, yeah,
it bubbles up, it bubbles up.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
I need words of affirmation for sure, I think just
as a Virgo because I live in my head all
the time, but also just because of my double water signs,
like I need a little bit more of like I
see you, I love you, You're still my babe, Like you're
still like amazing and loved by me, and I love that,
you know, I wonder quality time. I would say all
(34:35):
of them. Actually, I think that I can see all
of that, maybe not air signs so much. I think
air signs would be like see, I'll catch you in
a bit boo, I'll catch it.
Speaker 3 (34:43):
If you catch them, yeah, if you can get a
hold of them.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Because I feel like the fire signs want quality time,
but they they might want it like an adventure, you know,
like let's go on an adventure somewhere, Let's do something,
Let's take a trip, Let's go to a dinner. I
think that the Earth sign are kind of like, you know,
can we go to some like getaway, Can we like
read a book at a park together? Can we go
(35:08):
to a show? You know?
Speaker 3 (35:09):
Like I think though, I think for fire signs, what
we love the most is that like not that we're
being created around but celebrated in a way or like
the passion. It's the passion, my venus, moon and sun
are all in areas. I have an airy stellium and
(35:32):
it's it's the like, yes, quality time, but like what
are we doing, like we don't have to go on
an adventure, but like physical throwing some physical touch in it?
Or what or are we like and then like it's
like I think in I think Fire signs need all
five of them in one quality time meeting. Not necessarily
(35:56):
like to receive gifts or you know whatever. But it's
just like give me an experience.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
Like give me fire, give me passion.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
Like yeah, you know, like give me a little bit
of obsession, not like a lot of bit, but a
little bit. Yeah yeah, give me a little bit of
like jealousy but.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
Not a lot. Yeah yeah, I like a little bit
of jealousy. I think it's sexy too. I feel like
receiving gifts is probably Fire sign like virgos. I think
I think virgos maybe like acts of service, but kind
of like in the home, like Earth signs would be
like your acts of service, Oh my god, you bought
more toilet paper for us, when that's my job. That's
so hard, you know, Yeah, yeah, you clean the bathroom,
(36:40):
you made her Like well me, it's like, oh my god,
you made the bed for us. That's so cute. Like
you know, if I come home and I'm like, wait,
you bought You're making dinner for us? That is so sweet,
Like that is so cute. I had one boyfriend years ago.
I never forget it. It's my favorite thing. When I
was twenty two, he was twenty four, he didn't have
(37:03):
a microwave. I mean he didn't have like an oven
or a stove. So like for Valentine's Day, he made
our pasta in the microwave. Oh and it was super sweet.
But I never forgot it. I'm like, we were young,
twenty year old and he wanted to be super sweet
and I was just like smitten. That's the day that
(37:24):
I told him, like we can be boyfriends, Like we
are officially boyfriends. Let's you know, thank you for the
I was still drinking and he drank a Pinogregio that
was his jam, and we got down. You know. So
but I like that you said that, you know, some
signs might require all of the above in one sitting,
and I agree.
Speaker 3 (37:45):
Yeah, give me a show, work it out for me,
show me sanpe.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
The astrology portion of the podcast, maya, how do you plead?
I think plus one to it all. Yeah, I want
to reiterate also like these are not bad things. I
do think like they can be icebreakers, you can learn
(38:12):
a lot about. They're an introduction to a bigger conversation
that I think is necessary, but don't hold on to
them as much. Like I think developing your own personal coding,
like what is my coding, what is my like.
Speaker 1 (38:27):
Inner what are my inner workings?
Speaker 3 (38:29):
Yeah, is the most important to have before you even
start dating or while you start dating, when you go
into like these dens the love den or whatever, and
you also develop them with this other person too, So
like don't hold yourself to don't take yourself too seriously
in that way or hold them too tight, but like, yeah,
(38:51):
be a little bit open to exploring.
Speaker 2 (38:55):
Yeah, I kind of feel like for me, it's like
I feel like a little chaotic. So I would say
throw it all up the window, like all this stuff,
zodiac stuff, any of it. Like sit with the person
in front of you, and I think that the best thing,
at least that what I'm looking for is like look
at their morals and see if their morals aligned with yours.
See if like their destination is in alignment with your destination, right,
(39:16):
and then kind of figure things out because you're not
going to be perfect with the person that you're with.
It's not going to be like and they lived happily
as a afta in Genovia, like it's just not how
it works right, So like, enjoy the journey, enjoy the lessons,
be open to growth, be open to change. If you
are being placed in an emotional state that is uncomfortable
(39:39):
for you, like you know, being an anxious avoidant or
a fearful avoidant and all that stuff, like find out
what's triggering you and activating you so that you can
move accordingly, stay in the relationship or go because I
promise you that somebody who is good for you will
inspire you to reach out towards change and to feel
(40:02):
more comfortable in the relationship that you're in.
Speaker 3 (40:04):
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of
The Super Secret Bestie Club Podcast. You can find me
at Maya in the Moment, m a Ya in the Moment,
wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1 (40:15):
What about you, Carlos.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
You can find me at the Carla v Show on
Instagram and TikTok.
Speaker 3 (40:21):
Make sure to hit us up on our social media
to let us know what you want to listen to
next on The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast.
Speaker 2 (40:28):
Lead Exactly, Love you guys, boy.
Speaker 3 (40:33):
Make sure to hit that subscribe button to hear more
episodes every single week. The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast
is a production of Sonodo in partnership with iHeartRadio's Michael
Tha podcast Network.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I love you, Curly.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Get off me, Maya. You know I'm gonna avoid an attachment.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Give me a hug. Don't knock your shelf in there, Curly,
I just want to hug you.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
Isn't this one of your love languages though being chased?
Speaker 2 (00:20):
True? Get in here.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
My name is Curly and I'm Maya, and welcome to
the Super Secret bestI Club Podcast. A super secret club
where we talk about super secret things.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Yeah, like secrets that are super That's what it is.
In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreaks, men,
and of course our favorite secrets. Get in here.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
Another episode of the Super Secret bestI Club Podcast. Carletos Week, Ezacky.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Calla Kazaki.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
How's it going in your neck of the woods.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
It's really pretty good. I'm a little sleepy today. It's
fairly chilly, per it's kind of a hot day. But
I'm in my parents.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Oh, you have a central acy, so.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
They have central acy. Wow.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Wow. I had to turn off my wall unit and
my desk fan for this. So I'm going that you're
staying cool.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Yeah. Yeah. In my apartment, I have like I have
two wall aces or window acs, and I just between
me and my pipol and my Doggi's there and my
little terrier, Like it's just too much, my little snake.
But how's your spirit doing in this heat?
Speaker 3 (01:40):
I'm doing fine.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Listen.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
I am a desert girl. Okay, I'm a desert rat.
I was born for this baby, but I'm not born
for like the humidity, because it's been humid here. As
some of you may not know, we're going through a
heat wave in Los Angeles. It's been one hundred and
five to one hundred and today it's actually only going
(02:03):
to be ninety one or two, and then it just
cools down a week from today, it's gonna be like
seventy seven.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Oh, I'm so excited. That's why I'm going to go
home and just enjoy it being back in my apartment
with all my windows open.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
What a luxury, What a luxury. It is still your
parents in the same stage.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Well, you know, it's funny because at your parents' house
they have the ac going too, so it's always like
really nice going there because it's always comfy. Yeah, that's cool.
I feel like essentral ac is so like, you know,
it's a little it's a privilege. It's a privilege in
these streets. But today we're going to be talking about
something that we always we love to talk about, sprinkles
(02:41):
winkle energy, talking about love, and we were talking about how,
you know, love languages and attachment styles are still a
really big thing that's part of like the datings like guys,
so just kind of like what people talk about when
they're trying to figure each other out. I was just
talking to some about what their languages are and talking
(03:02):
about what mine are. But we were starting to think,
like how accurate are they still, and how like what
are they? Are they meaningful to us still? And is
this something that might be hindering actually falling in love
with somebody and enjoying an actual relationship.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Well, actually what came to mind was like I started
seeing a bunch of dating coaches staying away from the
love language attachment style conversation. They're saying that it's bullshit.
It originated from the nineteen ninety two book The Five
Love Languages The Secret to Love that lasts by Baptist
(03:41):
pastor Gary Chapman. I don't ever want to take advice
from a pastor, so I did not. I didn't know that,
but they're starting to say that it's what.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
I yonned, but I was also making a young face.
I was like, and then I suppose you're.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
So. I was interested in just why these dating coaches
are not about it anymore and why we still are
holding on to it, and have we been guilty of
weaponizing them a little bit or putting our loved ones
or ourselves in boxes like we have a whole I
asked chat GBT, like, why are some love coaches critical
(04:31):
of love languages and attachment styles? And they gave us
a whole thing which we're going to get into, but first, like,
let's just go back to the basics. Love languages and
attachment styles can change as we grow into new people.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
As we age.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
Let's just start with maybe our love languages.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Now. Yeah, I still kind of like them, to be honest,
because it, at least to me, it's not necessarily like
the roadmap of how to like look at somebody completely
and understand what it is that they like. It certainly
is the way to kind of like get your foot
into understanding a person, right like if you're going into
it for the first time, and you know, like minds
are my top three year words of affirmation, quality, time,
(05:11):
and touch, so if I'm telling you, like I like
you to be I love dating and when guys are
like babe, you look good, or like, oh you're so
cute or you look sexier, like little things like that,
like man, I fucking looked out when I got your
fine ass, Like I like shit like that, and I
do that, and I like to I like to receive that.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Yeah, what's the what's the receiving and what's the giving part?
Speaker 2 (05:34):
I would say that I'm both. I'm all of those.
So those are my top three that I give, and
those are my top three that I like to receive.
Like when I like you, like I want to touch you,
I want to hang out with you as much as
we can. I want to sleep over, and I will
cat call you in the hallway of like our home,
like I will be like, look at that fine ass
(05:54):
pool and it's like my betfriend, you know what I mean.
Like I'll be at the club and I'll be like,
let me get your number, like anyone.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Seeing this finance man right here?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Yeah yeah, yeah, Like those are those are I'm not
really like an acts of service or receiving gifts, Like
I can do all that by myself, Like thank you,
for maybe acts of service, but all the other stuff,
What about yours? What do you what do you like?
And then what do you receive or how do you
show it?
Speaker 3 (06:22):
As a refresher, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch,
acts of service, receiving gifts. Right, we're all aware of
those things, Oh man, I think yeah, words of affirmation
used to be my number one. I don't know, Yeah, no,
I think I think it's my number one still, quality
(06:43):
time number two, and then three physical touch, Yeah, I
think giving I am a very I think I'm an
We're a big words of affirmation person, physical touch and
quality time I think would third. But I also like
to give gifts, and I like to do acts of
(07:03):
service a lot, I think.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
I think I also like to receive.
Speaker 3 (07:08):
Acts of service because it's and gifts too, Like I
think anything to where you were like thinking of me
based on something that's based on my lore, based on
something that I told you that you remembered, like, I
think there's a I think there's more kind of languages
that are not being shown here, because I really like
(07:30):
when people think and consider me in the way that
I think for me when I give, I'm a very
like I really strive to be considerate and really know
that like, Okay, he likes this, this and this, Like
I'm gonna do that or I'm going to show him that,
you know, I listened, or I know that I care
about him having a good time, you know, or like
(07:53):
you know, and vice versa. Like that's something really really
big to me, where like if I feel like you're
not considering me, then I feel the most unloved because
I feel like I don't need I don't need you
to tell me that I'm pretty or that I'm funny
or that I'm talented or that i'm whatever. Like if
you're not showing up for me like in that way,
then I don't feel loved at all, you know, because
(08:15):
the words are cheap sometimes.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yeah, but that's what I'm saying, Like, even though you
might not like them, the way that you're talking about
them right now kind of tells me that they are
a good way to at least get their foot in
the door in terms of like the things that you do.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Like it's like an icebreaker, Yeah, it's definitely an icebreaker.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Yeah, I thought they should be thought about too, right,
Because the other thing too, is that then we have
the attachment styles, right, like the anxious attachment, uh, and
the avoidant attachment and the fearful avoidant or the disorganized
and that's kind of like the avoid the anxious is
kind of like somebody who's like, why aren't you texting me?
Or are they are they cheating? Are they doing something?
(08:54):
Do they like me? Oh my god, I fucked it up,
like all the anxiety, And then the avoidant is kind
of like, oh my god, they like me. I need
to back up. They like me too much. That's an
ick for me, Like, you know, avoidance are kind of
like they like a little bit more of the chase,
I would say. And then the fearful avoidant is kind
of like new, oh and I missed secure secures the
last one, and fearful avoidant is kind of like, that's
(09:16):
the new one. I feel that it's like the disorganized
one that I'm not too familiar with. But I think
it's kind of self explanatory that it's somebody who's just
like probably afraid of falling in love until they avoid
it is maybe my understanding. I could be wrong.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
I think it's like you're getting too close, so I'm
going to back away.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Which is also just like so I'm like grow up,
you know, and then secure is the last one that
kind of like is the one that you're okay with somebody.
You're kind of you kind of meet people with where
they're at, Like I think I'm a little bit more there,
Like I'm a little bit more like I'm okay if
you're an anxious attachment person, but you kind of have
(09:55):
to meet me in the middle, like because I can't
keep I'm not gonna like like foster that energy and
allow you to keep being anxious because it's just like, well,
then we need to move on because I don't want
that energy on me. I don't want to become because
I do think that you fluctuate and you do become
those things as well, Like you're not going to be
(10:15):
anxious with everybody, and you're not going to be an
avoidant with everybody. You can fluctuate depending on how this
partner's treating you.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
Yes, I was going to say that.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I think each attachment style shows up differently when you're
with somebody who can trigger different parts of you. And
I think our attachment styles are one hundred percent our
own responsibility. And you can also be an anxious avoidant
or an avoidant anxious. You know, you can be a
(10:44):
combination of them, which also kind of is mind boggling.
And I think, like for me, when I first heard
about love languages and attachment styles, it was attachment styles
are they're They're an actual thing, Like I don't think
they're bullshit. There is this book called Attached where you
(11:04):
can kind of like read it and see where you fall,
or just learn about the different attachment styles.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
I have it. I haven't read it.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
I've had it for years. I should probably read it,
but who knows. And I heard about this probably like
I would say twenty fourteen or twenty thirteen, and definitely
clung on to these attachment style love languages kind of
(11:30):
like h lingo, dug my claws into it and stood
firm in it and was like, Okay, well, obviously our
attachment styles are not going to work. Or he's just
an avoidance so that's why he's acting like that, or like, well,
his his number one is physical touch, so he just
wants to have sex with me, Like, oh, what a
(11:51):
recipe for disaster, Like, especially when it's not accompanied by therapy.
You know, I was not in therapy back then, Like
and I totally feel like I was sometimes weaponizing these
things or using them as excuses or you know, we
kind of can take things in runt with it and
like you know, like co opt it, you know. And
(12:13):
I think that's where it gets a little bit. I
don't know where were you when you first heard about
these or like when did you for like full I.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Started to hear about them in like twenty twenty maybe
or twenty twenty one, and I think that that was
kind of like the beginning of being able to you know,
I started to dive. I was diving into my first
few long term relationships, like as a sober person, which
is completely different as like a young, drunk twenty year old.
And so I feel like hearing those things that's when
(12:43):
I first heard it. And I was like, oh, okay,
but I will say that they have changed, like they
have changed drastically. Like when I first heard it, I
was like one hundred percent acts of service, one hundred
percent like uh, receiving gifts like I loved, like, oh
my god, I love when people think of me and
(13:19):
that's my jam. Acts of service like he wants to
go put gas in my car, Like that is the
sweetest thing. And then I got older and started making
kind of like more money instead of being able to
have like a little bit more autonomy in my own life,
and so gifts were like I could buy that myself,
Like I appreciate for thinking of me, but like.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
You took the meaning out of it.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
It took me, Yeah, exactly. I think before I was
just like and I think, when I think about it,
this is at the beginning of kind of like my
life at BuzzFeed and being like so busy with work
and creating content and being so busy at BuzzFeed that
I was like an act of kind an act of
kindness or an active service for me was fulfilling and
(13:59):
helping me, you know.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
So how I feel about them now, I I think
like I said before that I think now they can
be weaponized a little bit, and I think we a
lot of people have co opt them, and I I think,
like I think it was like twenty twenty, I was
like dating someone and I had asked like, oh, like,
(14:24):
what's your love language or this is my love language?
She's like, I'm assuming you want to know mine. I'm like, oh,
like why are you guys say it like that? Like
it was just a thing that like, ah, these girls
are so like like astrology, you know, it's like the
new thing we're obsessed with of, Like what's your fucking
birth time? Which I never will ever ask for anyone's
birth time ever ever.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Again really ill, I'm like, I don't.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Know, maybe if we're like together together, like if we're
exclusive or whatever, I just don't want to know yet
unless we like have that conversation. I will ask if
they know they're Big three, but I won't go deeper than.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
That, just because I'll ask, like if you know your
deep three, if your top three, And if they're like no,
I don't know, I keep it moving. But if they're
like no, how do I find out? I'm like, well,
what's your birth time? You know? I'm not going to
just like bring that out there and just say it myself.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
So, now some of the some of the research that
I've seen, according to chat GBT, I typed in, like,
why are some coaches so just like against love language
and anxious stuff? And so it gave us a lot
of different reasons. So let's read off a couple of
the reasons. So, first of all, it says like some
(15:38):
coaches are critical of love languages and attachment style theories
because they feel these frameworks can be overly simplistic or misunderstood.
So there's the over simple simplification of complex relationships. They
can reduce the complexity of relationships to a single label
or concept, you know, be a combination of factors emotional, psychological, historical.
(16:04):
Just boiling that, boiling them down to I'm a secure
attachment or I need words of afformation doesn't capture the
full picture, which I agree, like just saying words of
like I need words of affirmation, Well what does that mean?
Like you need to be affirmed? Okay, you're pretty well? No,
that doesn't make me feel good because then it's like, well,
do you just like me because of my looks? Like yeah,
(16:25):
I need validation or affirmation in that why do you
want to be with me?
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Or why do you like me?
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Or like little things here and there not necessarily Like
I had I dated someone who was like, oh, I
don't give compliments out unless I really mean them.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
I hate that so much I've heard and.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
That foot me up. I guess why, here's a virgo?
What do you have to say for your kind?
Speaker 2 (16:52):
I mean September August, probably August August.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
That's the word. And that's the end.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
That's the end of that, you know what. I had
a friend who, like, one time, I was like, why
don't you ever like my photos on Instagram? You're one
of my closest friends, And he was like, I'm very
picky with what I like, Like I want when I
like something, I want to put something you know, I
want to really like it. It means that I really
like it. And I'm like, get over.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
It's a double tap, Like.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
Why wouldn't you want to compliment the person you're You're
who has the bombas.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
The bombs pussy alive? Why why didn't you want to
compliment that ship?
Speaker 3 (17:44):
Like why wouldn't you want to shout it from the
motherfucking rooftops?
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Like sorry, but like hello, what okay?
Speaker 2 (17:54):
So you want him to call your pussy pretty? No? Okay?
Well really a firm herber gene gene. I just feel
like I think this is right, the oversimplic simplification of
compost relationships. I think that to me, that just means
that it's kind of like, how are you following up? Right?
(18:16):
Like this is what I always say that when you
talk about triggers. That's okay when you talk about like activations,
that's okay, But where's the accountability? Right? So like let's
just say you walk in and you're like I need
words of affirmation. That's okay, but like is it in
a way that it's like I need words of affirmation
or I fall apart? Like or is it healthier where
(18:37):
you're like no, I like I just like it a lot,
Like if you want to get in my panties, like
just tell me that you tell me nice things and
you'll have me. You know, like if you're like I'm
an anxious attachment, like do you want to talk about
it so that you don't have to be anxious? Like
how do we explore that? Like what is what is
the root? What is the deeper meaning of having these things?
Because otherwise it's just kind of like when it just
(18:59):
ends there, you're like I'm an anxious or I'm an avoidant,
you're kind of like are you going to do anything
about it? Like do you like it?
Speaker 3 (19:06):
And you're also assuming that they know they have knowledge
about it too. You know, it feels a little bit
elitist to be like, oh, with these are my love
language isn't my attachment style?
Speaker 1 (19:18):
What's yours? Oh you don't know or oh that like it.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Just kind of.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Something about it. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
It just has I think sometimes it turns into like weaponizing, yeah,
and it just it feels weird.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Yeah. I mean the next thing too that it says
is that it's self limiting beliefs. And it's kind of
just like, you know, when you go into a relationship
and you kind of already are wearhing this title, this
badge of being an anxious or being an avoidant, right,
and you're like, I'm an anxious attachment therefore I'm going
to be this way, you know, uh, And you're kind
of like, I can see that, Like, but people have
(19:55):
to understand that your attachment styles also will change according
to the partner that you're Like. I have never, and
most of my relationships ever been an anxious attachment attached
person like I just if I'm with you, I genuinely
I usually date men that I feel very confident with
that I know that they're happy with me, and I'm
happy with them. But you know, I've had relationships that
(20:17):
I've brought out the anxious in me that have made
me act out and lash out in ways that I'm like,
this is not my usual, this is not me, Like
why am I? And I have been very lucky that
I'm self reflective enough to be like, I don't like
this version of me. I need to get out of it.
Like I don't like who I'm becoming, you know, I
don't like that I'm now acting out or doing certain
(20:40):
things that are go against my own moral behavior or
my own moral compass. And I act out and start
to display behaviors that I'm like not necessarily proud of,
Like looking through a cell phone.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Right, yeah, like.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
Like holding the phone up to his face while he's sleeping,
trying to get his finger on the phone.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Did you have any experience or yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Absolutely? I remember one of these nights. I was like
in bed, the phone was going off. I reached over
and I was like, oh my god, I'm genuinely I
have never done this in my entire life. I have
never been this person. But that night I was like, Okay,
what are some dates? Birthday? Okay, the birthday shit, okay,
the last four digits of his phone number? Okay? Fuck?
(21:27):
What is the last four of the social security Hey?
Speaker 1 (21:32):
And did you find something out.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
I didn't get in, but I do feel like I
didn't need to. That was already me getting to that
point in my own spirit was more than enough for
me to go, like, this is so ugly. I never
want to be up at night unable to sleep because
I just am trying to do something that is just
shady and I wouldn't want I wouldn't want people doing
(21:56):
that to my phone, so why would I do that
to their phone?
Speaker 3 (21:59):
I also think so limiting beliefs and labeling yourself as
like it said, I'm an anxious attachment, so I'll always
be this way, it can be a little harmful to
yourself because I definitely have been. I used to say
that all the time, like I'm just an anxious attachment.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
I'm just anxious. I'm anxious.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
And it doesn't feel good on your nervous system to
call yourself anxious, to even say those words, because then
it makes you anxious.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
You know.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
It's like, how are you ever supposed to move out
of these attachment styles that have been a little bit
harmful to yourself but mostly to like relationships if you're
constantly labeling yourself as anxious, you know, And I think
that's what I was doing a lot and it didn't
feel good. So I no longer say that. I mean,
(22:47):
I'll say like here and there, like I have a
tendency to be anxious when this happens, but I don't
really like to. I'm moving away from calling myself an
anxious attachment style or anxious anything because it just kind
of makes me anxious.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
You know what's funny is that for so long identified
as an avoidant, Like for so long, like I'm like,
I'm an avoidant, I'm an avoidant, And then through working
with my therapist, like she was basically one day she
was like, honestly, you're not an avoidant. Like when I
hear you like kind of like in comparison to other
people that I talk to, like, you're more like a
(23:24):
secure like you're you're talking about your you actually are
really good at vocalizing your needs and your wants. You're
actually very good at being like I need to bring
this up and talk about this. And so I feel
like that already is you're not avoiding anything, right, Like,
and the anxious part of me of being like are
we this or are we not? Like I kind of
(23:45):
lean into the like either we are we aren't, and
I give it to God and I give it to
life and whatever it is. But it took somebody else
to give me that sort of like ability to see
myself right. It took somebody else, a professional to come
back in because otherwise I think I would have continued
to be honest, I would have continued. And what's crazy
is that when you get into new relationships and they
(24:06):
ask you what are you, they do hold it against you,
they do they do go like, oh, this is I
told one boyfriend and I was like, yeah, I do
have a history of like running away from things, Like
I do have a history of being an avoidant, and
I run from things. And when he was doing shit
that I was like not cool with and I was like,
I'm going home, he was like, there you go. You
run away. You are the type person that runs away.
(24:28):
I'm like, I just a'm going home, Like I'm not
running away, We're not breaking up. I'm just getting the
fuck out here and I'm going home. I'll talk to
you tomorrow, you know, like which you know could also
be seen as toxic.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
But these next couple of ones, I kind of want
to group them into one thing. So it's this risk
of misapplication. People misunderstand or misuse love languages and attachment styles,
and instead of using them for growth, they might use
these frameworks to justify bad behavior, avoid accountability, and demand
things from their partners, which.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
Like I'm just an avoidant, babe.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
I mean you're just anxious and you're just anxious like.
Speaker 3 (25:04):
One of my we're just like what am I supposed
to do? Or like well, like you know, that's not
my your love language is affirmations. That's not my love language,
like it just it and it's also another The next
one says encourage encouraging dependency on labels, limiting focus on
communication skills, promoting compatibility over connection. So a lot of
(25:27):
these are like we're putting too much power on these
frameworks and theories that like this is one way to
be this is what you know? This is these are
the barriers and guidelines of when it's like you're supposed
to develop your own individual with yourself first, what is
your own love language, not like dependent on you know
(25:52):
what this the five love languages are or the attachment
styles like I know I get this way if I
know I don't feel loved when I feel like this,
and that that is because of whatever, you're supposed to
develop your own sense of it and then come together.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
You know.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
And then it's like there's been certain there's I have
seen in the in the past too of like when
I have been anxious, I do attract of avoidant people.
Sometimes that's there's some truth to that, for sure, But
it's like promoting compatibility over connection, like there's not a
for instance, someone might decide to not pursue a relationship
(26:46):
with someone who doesn't seem like they're matt they match
their attachment style or love language. Like I feel like
I've been guilty of that. Like sometimes of like oh
he's I tend and I have a tendency to go
for avoidant people. I mean do that because I'm already
feeling like that he's an avoidant person, instead of being like, hey,
I'm noticing that you're pulling away a little bit or
(27:07):
that you're whatever, Like you know, that's where it gets
a little bit like.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Oh yeah, because I kind of think about when people
talk to me that are anxious, I tend to attract
anxious because I am avoidant, right Like when they tell me, hey,
I notice that you're changing, that actually makes me more
avoidant because I'm kind of like I feel like for me,
I like when we're both kind of moving in sort
of like an unsaid common frequency, like where I'm like,
(27:34):
we're literally just vibing. I'm vibing your vibing, and I'm
enjoying it. I'm having a lot of fun. I'm really
like this is really cool for me, Like I consider
myself a stable individual and I'm clearly like hanging out
with you because I think the same of you. And
so when it starts to get a little bit sticky
where it's like what is this and what is that?
(27:56):
And I'm like and maybe I don't think that we're
there yet or I'm kind of like, oh, I don't
know that i'm in agreeance with Like you know, I'm
trying to think of like even okay, let's talk about sex, right,
Like you might be like, hey, I'm ready to have sex,
and I'm like, well, I'm not, like I'm not, and
you're like, well, don't you kind of feel like we should?
(28:16):
And if I don't agree that it's time or you know,
or it's too soon or it's too late, like I
that might be a turnoff for me because I might
be like, ell, this person only wants sex, or like
what's the thing that they're interested in? So it can
be kind of like a thing where I feel like
(28:36):
a little bit like scary. It makes it kind of
like oh, I'm gonna run. But you only find those
things out if you aren't in in the sort of
relationship dance with somebody, right, like relationship? Oh yeah, yeah,
Like I always picture like we got to dance with
different people on the dance floor. You got to feel
like who has your rhythm and who do you have
(28:56):
your rhythm with? Until you don't anymore? And that's also okay.
There's nothing wrong with getting in with somebody, and because
the thing is is that we are ever changing, right
like when we are ever growing. Like I know a
boyfriend that I had a couple of years ago used
to be like, you're an anxious avoidant, like for sure,
for sure, you know, like you need to go to therapy.
(29:18):
You have a lot of things that you have to
work on. You are just kind of like running from
all of it. And he was totally right, totally right,
And you know, I went to therapy and I've been
in it and I stayed in it, and I enjoyed it,
and it's been something that has allowed me to kind
of rest on the thing that I'm like, No, I
(29:39):
like check in with a professional like every week or
every other week, and I think I'm doing okay, and
the professional that I check in with like also things
that I'm doing okay. So how do I move forward
in this relationship? You know?
Speaker 1 (29:53):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (29:54):
I think that's the main point of everything, is that
I think all of this stuff if you are labeling
yourself from something you saw on TikTok or self diagnosing,
which self diagnosing is not bad at all. I think
that's how it first starts in your diagnosis journey with anything,
is you're supposed to notice these things within yourself. But
(30:17):
I think taking it too far by not kind of
affirming them with a professional like you just said and
accompanying all these things with a professional professional's advice is
like the biggest thing, because I think the thing that
feels so shitty is when someone does label you something
like you are an avoidant, you are an anxious and
(30:41):
you kind of believe them because you're like they're seeing
you from this outside of view and you trust them
and you're putting you know, but who's to say that
they're not manipulating you, you know, or like.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
That's that's kind of like a social content. I think
that we all have a social contract with one another,
with your best friends, your family, your significant other, that
you are hoping that when they're offering some sort of
advice or some sort of you know, thoughts on your
behavior and you that it's not to manipulate you, right, absolutely,
you kind of hope that you're like, you're giving me
(31:15):
this because I'm thinking this, So I don't know. I
don't know, but I do. I do feel like it
has been helped in other situations too, where I was
talking to my therapists and I was explaining some behaviors
that I was experiencing from an individual a while ago,
and they were and she immediately was like, this all
sounds like anxious attachment. You know, like they're just are anxious.
(31:38):
They like you keep monitoring it. You're it's okay that
they like you, but like you have to also set
your boundaries in terms of like what that means to
you to be in a relationship with somebody who might
not believe you when you're like.
Speaker 3 (31:53):
There needs a little bit more reassurance yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Because the other thing too is like I honestly, with me,
I get very to I'm okay with reassuring people. I'm
very big on being like, hey, I see you. I
want to acknowledge that you did this and I think
it's really cool, like good for you. But I also
am very big on being like I need you to
not need me to do that for you all the time,
(32:20):
Like I can't.
Speaker 3 (32:21):
Yeah, we're see accountability the self regulation.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
Yeah, I can't keep having come to Jesus conversations with
you like and being like no, like I said before,
like we're forever. I had I had a good friend
where every four for like every three to four months,
we'd have a conversation about are we still good friends?
And I would be like, yeah, what do you mean,
Like you're once you're in with me? Like we're in,
(32:46):
Like that's it, We're locked in for life, like there
is no like is this are we still there? Like
and it started to kind of be like I'm kind
of I don't know how else to show you, like
we're always we spend time together, we do fun things.
I don't know how to show you, And so it
got kind of tiring for me, right like I just
but I don't know. Is that because I'm gonna avoidant
(33:06):
or is that because I'm a secure.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Who knows? Who knows?
Speaker 3 (33:15):
Welcome to the astrology portion of the podcast. I wanted
to do a little fun little thing and ask what
do we think are the love languages of a Virgo,
of an are's of a Pisces.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Of the signs?
Speaker 2 (33:31):
Who needs words of affirmations? Water signs?
Speaker 1 (33:35):
Water signs?
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Yes, absolutely, my Mars and my Mercury. Mars is the
conflict planet. How you handle conflict? Mercury is communication? Are
both water signs one Mercury is My Mercury is in
Pisces and my Mars is in Cancer. So when I
get upset about something and I feel like I'm not
(33:58):
being seen or heard or acknowledged, I'm like, yeah, yeah,
it bubbles up, it bubbles up.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
I need words of affirmation for sure, I think just
as a Virgo because I live in my head all
the time, but also just because of my double water signs,
like I need a little bit more of like I
see you, I love you, You're still my babe, Like you're
still like amazing and loved by me, and I love that,
you know, I wonder quality time. I would say all
(34:35):
of them. Actually, I think that I can see all
of that, maybe not air signs so much. I think
air signs would be like see, I'll catch you in
a bit boo, I'll catch it.
Speaker 3 (34:43):
If you catch them, yeah, if you can get a
hold of them.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Because I feel like the fire signs want quality time,
but they they might want it like an adventure, you know,
like let's go on an adventure somewhere, Let's do something,
Let's take a trip, Let's go to a dinner. I
think that the Earth sign are kind of like, you know,
can we go to some like getaway, Can we like
read a book at a park together? Can we go
(35:08):
to a show? You know?
Speaker 3 (35:09):
Like I think though, I think for fire signs, what
we love the most is that like not that we're
being created around but celebrated in a way or like
the passion. It's the passion, my venus, moon and sun
are all in areas. I have an airy stellium and
(35:32):
it's it's the like, yes, quality time, but like what
are we doing, like we don't have to go on
an adventure, but like physical throwing some physical touch in it?
Or what or are we like and then like it's
like I think in I think Fire signs need all
five of them in one quality time meeting. Not necessarily
(35:56):
like to receive gifts or you know whatever. But it's
just like give me an experience.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
Like give me fire, give me passion.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
Like yeah, you know, like give me a little bit
of obsession, not like a lot of bit, but a
little bit. Yeah yeah, give me a little bit of
like jealousy but.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
Not a lot. Yeah yeah, I like a little bit
of jealousy. I think it's sexy too. I feel like
receiving gifts is probably Fire sign like virgos. I think
I think virgos maybe like acts of service, but kind
of like in the home, like Earth signs would be
like your acts of service, Oh my god, you bought
more toilet paper for us, when that's my job. That's
so hard, you know, Yeah, yeah, you clean the bathroom,
(36:40):
you made her Like well me, it's like, oh my god,
you made the bed for us. That's so cute. Like
you know, if I come home and I'm like, wait,
you bought You're making dinner for us? That is so sweet,
Like that is so cute. I had one boyfriend years ago.
I never forget it. It's my favorite thing. When I
was twenty two, he was twenty four, he didn't have
(37:03):
a microwave. I mean he didn't have like an oven
or a stove. So like for Valentine's Day, he made
our pasta in the microwave. Oh and it was super sweet.
But I never forgot it. I'm like, we were young,
twenty year old and he wanted to be super sweet
and I was just like smitten. That's the day that
(37:24):
I told him, like we can be boyfriends, Like we
are officially boyfriends. Let's you know, thank you for the
I was still drinking and he drank a Pinogregio that
was his jam, and we got down. You know. So
but I like that you said that, you know, some
signs might require all of the above in one sitting,
and I agree.
Speaker 3 (37:45):
Yeah, give me a show, work it out for me,
show me sanpe.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
The astrology portion of the podcast, maya, how do you plead?
I think plus one to it all. Yeah, I want
to reiterate also like these are not bad things. I
do think like they can be icebreakers, you can learn
(38:12):
a lot about. They're an introduction to a bigger conversation
that I think is necessary, but don't hold on to
them as much. Like I think developing your own personal coding,
like what is my coding, what is my like.
Speaker 1 (38:27):
Inner what are my inner workings?
Speaker 3 (38:29):
Yeah, is the most important to have before you even
start dating or while you start dating, when you go
into like these dens the love den or whatever, and
you also develop them with this other person too, So
like don't hold yourself to don't take yourself too seriously
in that way or hold them too tight, but like, yeah,
(38:51):
be a little bit open to exploring.
Speaker 2 (38:55):
Yeah, I kind of feel like for me, it's like
I feel like a little chaotic. So I would say
throw it all up the window, like all this stuff,
zodiac stuff, any of it. Like sit with the person
in front of you, and I think that the best thing,
at least that what I'm looking for is like look
at their morals and see if their morals aligned with yours.
See if like their destination is in alignment with your destination, right,
(39:16):
and then kind of figure things out because you're not
going to be perfect with the person that you're with.
It's not going to be like and they lived happily
as a afta in Genovia, like it's just not how
it works right, So like, enjoy the journey, enjoy the lessons,
be open to growth, be open to change. If you
are being placed in an emotional state that is uncomfortable
(39:39):
for you, like you know, being an anxious avoidant or
a fearful avoidant and all that stuff, like find out
what's triggering you and activating you so that you can
move accordingly, stay in the relationship or go because I
promise you that somebody who is good for you will
inspire you to reach out towards change and to feel
(40:02):
more comfortable in the relationship that you're in.
Speaker 3 (40:04):
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of
The Super Secret Bestie Club Podcast. You can find me
at Maya in the Moment, m a Ya in the Moment,
wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1 (40:15):
What about you, Carlos.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
You can find me at the Carla v Show on
Instagram and TikTok.
Speaker 3 (40:21):
Make sure to hit us up on our social media
to let us know what you want to listen to
next on The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast.
Speaker 2 (40:28):
Lead Exactly, Love you guys, boy.
Speaker 3 (40:33):
Make sure to hit that subscribe button to hear more
episodes every single week. The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast
is a production of Sonodo in partnership with iHeartRadio's Michael
Tha podcast Network.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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