September 25, 2024 • 45 mins
I ramble about the paradox of anxiety, and a caller tries to change their co-worker's poor hygiene.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, gek, how's it going?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
You know, man, it's going all right. Uh. I think
I started off this recording session with a lot of
energy because but it's it's kind of I feel like
I'm crashing a little bit. Has ever happened to you?
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Yeah, yeah, I I've been crashing a lot lately, Like
I I don't know. It was definitely an after college
type deal where I just I feel pooped a lot
of the time.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
But yeah, yeah, so tell me what is it you
wanted to talk about.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Well, there's a few things, I guess right now, I
am like pretty I am pretty depressed, I would say,
but like there are things that I like should be
happy about. I mean, shit, I'm happy to be talking
to you right now, to be honest, But uh, also
(01:10):
have some O c D that drags me down a
lot during the day. And it's just like filled with
a lot of intrusive thoughts, a lot of like i'd
like it's more like compulsions too to my thoughts, because
(01:32):
like O c D is like more towards reassurance, Like
you have to consistently like reassure yourself a lot of
the time, and it just takes up like hours of
my day and like I could be doing more too,
do better about it, but it's just it's been really hard.
(01:56):
It's been really hard.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
What do you? What do you? What are you attempting
to you assure yourself of on a daily basis.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
That I'm a good person. That uh I'm like h
like I'm a good guy. I know I'm a good guy,
but it's like a lot of the times it's like
I'm a good person. And then also this is like
a weird one because when I was like very young,
like MYOCD started with like you know, intrusive thoughts, you know,
(02:30):
just like really weird ones. And then like it also
it almost became a compulsion to like step on cracks
on the sidewalk. And now it's like now it's like, oh,
I can't use my left leg, and it's like hey, Willhelm,
(02:52):
you can use your left leg, like you can walk,
you can use it. And it's starting to get out
of hand where it's like a compulsion of just like
not using my left leg. And it sounds like crazy
because like that's what OCD does to you. It's like,
(03:12):
you know, you just constantly reassure yourself when you feel
like you're going in in a in a spiral, in
a cycle, and yeah, so like it's sometimes it's like
I don't feel like I'm like balanced, Like I like
(03:32):
it's like a reassurance of like my body is like balanced.
But also I think this I think what this really
stems from is it's like another thing too, is uh
probably I think this stems from like Bobby dysmorphia, to.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Be honest, Yeah, yeah, well what kind of body.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
I think it's the sense that well, like I was
like really fit going into college, Like I was a
pretty sick guy. I went to the gym like very regularly,
and then I like started smoking more wheat, and I
(04:22):
think that's when a lot of the anxiety started to
was around that corner. So it felt like I had
to go for this perfection. And then this was also
when COVID started too. This was like around I was
like a freshman in college, and so there was like
(04:43):
the built up anxiety of like I need this perfection
of like my body. And then there's like also like
I don't know, the anxiety from smoking. And then and
then on top of that, I got cooped up in
an apartment you know, with some roommates there were some
(05:04):
nice guys, but there's just anxiety from that. And it
was like a lot, it was a lot of like
and during all of that, and sorry to cut you off,
but like during all of that, it was like a
lot of internalization of like these feelings of anxiety.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
I've been. I don't know if the things I've had
to say or in any way, shape or form related
to what you're talking about, but I think i've been.
I was today, I was thinking about anxiety because I
have a lot of anxiety. I think my anxiety has
gotten a lot worse in the past couple of years.
(05:48):
It's maybe like doubled or you know, maybe like times
one point five or whatever. But I think I've always
had a little bit of anxiety, and I've been thinking
about it a lot, and I I've realized that, well
a few things. Anxiety is like a is a it's
(06:11):
like a thirst for control. I think like like like
there's a weird comfort. There's a weird comfort and anxiety
and it makes you, uh feel like you're in a way,
it feels like it guides you. Like I don't know
if you've ever experienced And I think maybe you alluded
to this a little bit that there's like a like
(06:32):
when you're not being productive or you're not like moving
your life forward in a meaningful way, Uh, it makes
you anxious and in that way, and that anxiety, even
though it's it doesn't make it makes that anxiety is
weirdly like holding you accountable to do more with your life.
(06:54):
But it's a weird paradoxical thing because on one hand,
you could say that you're anxiety is helping to light
a fire under your ass to keep moving your life
forward productively, but it all but it also is making
the version of your life that you're currently living worse
because you're uncomfortable all the time. And so I don't know,
(07:19):
but I don't I'm not gonna say if these are
good things or bad things. I'm trying to let my
anxiety go because after a while, I do feel like, oh,
if I'm like I use my anxiety to protect myself,
you know, like like if I'm if I'm always anxious
that something really bad is going to happen to me
(07:40):
in some weird form, I think subconsciously, I feel like
my anxiety that something really bad is going to happen
to me is protecting me from the bad thing, because
if I let my guard down for just a second
and if I throw my anxiety away, if I put
it away, that's when the bad thing is going to strike,
and my guard is gonna be down. I'm not gonna
(08:01):
be protected but U And so I've been thinking about
that a lot because I would love to be less anxious.
It would make my life better. And I think I'm
slowly starting to arrive at a point where I'm gonna
I'm gonna try one of my Like, I know this
is thinking very far ahead, but one of my twenty
twenty five goals is to like let go of my
(08:26):
anxiety and just like see what life is like if
I let my guard down and just accept the circumstances
of life instead of always trying to be on a defensive.
And I'm really excited for that. I don't know why
(08:46):
I've I don't know. I don't know why I've chosen
twenty twenty five to do that. I don't know why
I can't just do that right fucking now. It's beecause
I'm just procrastinating because I'm scared. But it's weird, I
think anxiety. I think I I could definitely write a
long list of ways in which my anxiety has helped me,
But I could write a really long wait list of
(09:09):
ways in which anxiety has just made my life uh suck.
And I know and by the way I know anxiety,
I know that that what I'm talking about is very
differently from like O c D. Specifically, I know OCD
is a very specific kind of anxiety. But I I
I'm not a fucking I'm a dude in a gecko
(09:32):
costume who's just who's experienced anxiety. And I'm anecdotally making
these conclusions. But for me, if it's it's definitely a
control thing. It's definitely a control thing. And if I'm
letting go of that control, I'm what else do I have.
I'm I'm naked, I'm bare, my supple body is exposed
(09:53):
to the to the world. You know, Yeah, I don't
know if thats.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
No, it does because like I I agree on I
agree on like the seeking of control because like you know,
when like I, so, here's crazy thing like when I
was little, I told you about the cracks, right, and
this was like I don't know, probably like early middle
(10:21):
school and this, uh, this had gone on for a summer,
Like I would I would have to touch this crack.
I felt like I had to touch this crack or
you know if I even man It was hard waking
up in the morning because I had like blue carpet
in my room, and the blue carpet would change to
(10:41):
a blonde carpet into the hallway. So there's like that
line that crack between the door leaning to the hallway
in my room, and I'd have to touch it every day,
and and it was a constant spiral of like I
need to, I need to, I need touch that because
I have to remind myself that that I don't have
(11:05):
to do that. So I need to show an example
of you know me, you know, being able to walk
through and like, you know, if I touch it, it'll
keep me safe. And you know, it went on for
three months, and you know, I didn't I didn't seek help,
which I should have. But I woke up one day
(11:27):
in my little tights car bed and I said, fuck this,
and I walked past the crack and it felt like
a lot. I felt like a lot of anxiety at first,
but like as the days went on, it did like decrease,
and I eventually like escaped it, and I like I
(11:51):
think that's what, like, you know, could happen again. I
know that's what can happen again if I, you know,
oppose my compole shouldn't send mine and my thoughts and
my anxiety is that if I push through and not,
like you said, let us, you know, be be naked
to the world. I think, you know, in a in
(12:14):
a I don't know, analogy type way, we'll be able
to find our clothes again.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Well, you ever, you ever, bro, you ever meet you ever?
You ever meet someone who has no anxiety? You know,
you ever meet a person like that?
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Yes, And you're just like and I'm I'm always amazed
by that. I'm always like, I don't know, I I like,
it's like meeting a It's like a unicorn or something.
It's like, this is a magical being and look at that.
They're still alive and we were I think people would
like And it's a weird thing, right because I think, okay,
(12:53):
like I'll just go back to like whatever anxiety of
not being productive or of not moving your life forward,
there's a weird paradox where like you're anxious that if
you don't move your life forward, you're not gonna be happy,
so you make yourself unhappy so that you can move
your life forward so that you can be happy. Like
(13:15):
it's a weird paradox, Whereas when you meet someone with
no anxiety, they're just naturally okay and happy because they're
fucking because they're living in the moment. That's what makes
people happy. I think it's naturally okay. And every time
I see that, I'm like, I had to fag you
get there, And I don't know, I really I wonder
(13:38):
this a lot. Is like people who are like that,
did they Was there a process they underwent in which
they consciously decided to, through various repetitions, throw their anxiety
to the curb so that that became the natural mode
of thinking or were they just born that way? Most
(14:00):
of them are probably just born that way. Probably, But
that doesn't mean that one cannot, through repetitions, become a
less anxious person. And then also and not by the way,
that's the internal side of it. There's also the external
side of it. If you I think, if you've experienced,
(14:20):
if things are going well in your external life, it
is easier to be less anxious. And then the inverse
is true.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Do you think like your ego gets in the way
of like I don't know if it's like an ego
of like, you know, like for me, it's definitely not
an ego of like not seeking help. It's like I
can do this, like I can get through it. And
then it's like I get anxious and then I get
lost in spiraling thoughts and compulsion and like I don't
(14:57):
know if that's like like a like I don't know,
like I guess, like for me, like you mentioned you
know that person who you know used to be happy,
or you mentioned a person who is a happy, go
lucky person and you know they live like in the
(15:17):
moments and you're like, holy shit, like how did that happen?
And it's like for me, it's like I used to
like be that person.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
And sorry, I don't want to cut you. I don't
want to cut you. I don't sorry, I don't want
to cut you off. But your phone is being shitty?
Is there anything that you can do to make it not?
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (15:41):
Here in one second, Okay, we don't We don't have
to cut this part out of the podcast. We can
keep this, we can keep this in. Let's keep this technically, yes, yes, go,
I don't know why I want to keep it in,
but I just it's something about it feels nice. Let's
keep this particular tech glare. Okay, you were saying you
(16:02):
were talking about the idea of a happy, go lucky person.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Yes, yeah, yeah, and like I used to be that person,
like growing up.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Oh so you went the other way around yeah, yeah,
I went the other way around here one second, Yeah
I went the other way around, and like, yeah, I
was very happy, go lucky.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
And part of my I think OCD or anxiety is
like I want that back, Like I'm trying to reassure myself,
like hey, like if you just do this, I'll get
this back. And then it's like one little small mistake
and it's like, oh my gosh, it's it's it's over
or it's not over.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Well, okay, so why did it hold on? Well, so
you say you used to be okay, you used to
be a person who had less anxiety, and now your
person has more anxiety, and you you're correct pining and
now you're pining for the past where you had less anxiety.
Why do you think you have more anxiety?
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Now? That is a good question. I think uh m
hm uh. It might be a speaking of control because
(17:34):
I feel like this is like a consistent theme with
like you know, going after that that past of like
the happy go lucky self, going after this perfection, I
actually lose what I had by going after it, and
(17:55):
I you know, I don't know. I think, well, I'll
tell you what my my is that because of my
you know, when this started about you know, going after
this this body, this perfect type or not even perfect type,
just like a very lean body, because I want to
(18:15):
be an actor and I want to, you know, go
into movies. And you know, I got caught up with
you know, looking a certain way and going after this
you know, this this body type. And you know, I
I think it was I think partially it was that's
(18:39):
going after something that's on it, Like you know this
thing that you see through this the screen. You know,
it's it's it's unattainable.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
So you're you're part of part of your anxiety has
increased because well let me ask you that, how old
are you?
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Uh, I'm twenty three, okay.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
And this time period that this narrative that you were less,
that you were a happy go lucky person, now you're not.
When were you this so called happy go lucky person.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
I'd say the last time was probably senior year of
high school, freshman year of college.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
Okay, so few, yeah, okay, because part of me feels, yeah, go.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Ahead, or I just want to give you more of
a time frame. The my first semester of college, no,
going into the spring break of my second semester of
my freshman year of college is when COVID hit. But
that's just I don't know, I don't know why I
need to mention that. But there's some time friend for you,
(19:48):
I guess. Anyways, were you yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Okay, so well I was going to Okay, I actually
take back what I was going to say that. I
think just growing up gives you a little bit more,
just gives you more anxiety. There's more responsibilities I was
talking about. My mom told me that because I told
her I was anxious, and she she was like, well,
I think part of it is just yeah, when you
(20:11):
become an adult, you just have more shit you got
to deal with, though not inherently, I mean maybe inherently.
I mean you got to figure out a way to eat,
and you gotta figure out a way to not You
just gotta figure out and not die. That's the and
not dying gets a little bit harder when you become
(20:32):
an adult because for most of your life other there's
a lot of other people around you making sure that
you don't die. And then as you get older, less
and less people try to make sure that you don't die.
And then you get really old, and then you and
then you go into a hospital and then again and
then you're again there's other people making sure you don't die,
but then you're more likely to actually die. I don't
(20:56):
know if that makes you feel like.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
It Yeah, it's like a maybe it's sorry, Well maybe
it's like losing I don't know that it wasn't like,
you know, I wasn't a crazy kid. It was like
I'm invincible. I can withstand fire and cars and whatever.
But you know, there's that type of like feeling. I
(21:19):
don't know, at least for me when I was a
kid where I was like, oh, wow, it's gonna be
a great day, Like it's gonna I can't wait. So
what happens today?
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Okay, yeah, let's talk about that. So when you were
a kid, you had a feeling that it was a
great that you woke up and you were like, oh,
it's a great day. I can't wait to see what
happens today.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, dude, I really.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Want to be able to describe this feel. I had
this feeling last night. I had this feeling last night
that like everything was gonna be okay. And I think
I had been searching for that feeling externally, and that
feeling it's not permanent. It's gonna fade and I'm gonna
go and say tomorrow, But I just like I had
(22:06):
that feel. I had that feeling, and I really I
felt it deep. I felt calm, and I was like,
epiphanies aren't permanent. They that you have to have them
multiple times over and over again. But I had this
little epiphany where I was like, oh, I really do
(22:28):
think that all of this is perspective. I have nothing
to envy about anyone else. I'm gonna be alright in
and of my self. H I just I don't know.
I just adopted this perspective that I don't need to
(22:53):
be fucking anxious all the time. And I just felt it.
I felt it, and I felt like I could get
there it just in my own brain. And so when
you say when I was a child, I woke up
and life was exciting and I was looking forward to things.
(23:18):
I do believe that that feeling that you're envious of
your childhood's self about is yeah, is accessible to you,
and you can just kind of I know, I understand
the the inkling to believe that this is total bullshit,
(23:43):
because some days I do believe in it and some
days I don't. But I kind of do believe that
anytime you want, you can just decide to feel that way.
M Yeah, some days it's going to be more difficult
to make that decision, and other days it'll come a
bit more easy to you. But I do fundamentally believe
(24:05):
that life is uh. I don't always feel this way.
I'm feeling this way in this moment right now as
I'm talking about all this stuff to you, But at
my best, I'm operating from a place that life is
just about perspective. And I think you can decide, you
(24:30):
can just decide. I know this is I get where,
but I think I can just decide for me personally.
I feel like on there are certain days I can
just decide to not be anxious, and I can decide
I'm going to enjoy life, and I can decide to
be optimistic, and I kind of have that. I have
that choice every day, and again, sometimes it's easier to
(24:52):
make sometimes it's not, depending on what's going on around me.
But I kind I really just think that every day
of the choice is here. I don't know if that
means anything, no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Yeah, yeah, that's that's pretty helpful. I I agree, because like,
you know, uh, this childhood self of mine, like I
I didn't care well like you know, if you know,
I I didn't care if like someone called me names
(25:25):
at school, or if kids tease me, or you know,
if I you know, I don't know, uh did bad
for an audition or I embarrassed myself, like I mean,
of course I'm human. Like I felt, you know, maybe
embarrassed in the moment or like I was like, oh man,
that was kind of mean, you know whatever. But then
(25:47):
I was like, oh, oh well, like you know, like hey,
let's let's go over here and see what happens and
you know, have some fun. And I think also, I
think a reason I had this personerspective when I was
young is my parents are much older. When when I
(26:08):
was a little kid, I kind of just like I
thought to myself like, oh my gosh, like when I'm
this age, like my parents might be gone.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Like you know, my my I told that to my
parents and they comforted me and you know, and I
don't know why, but like I think there's like something
from that when I was a kid where I was
just like I I'm going to have this perspective of
(26:47):
just enjoying the day and then enjoying life. I mean,
it could have been like a kid thing, you know,
type deal, you know, a kid perspective also like I did.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
You know, but it's not. Yeah, but it's not that
is a I mean, I mean, fuck man, you can yeah,
if you really want Yeah, if you really want to,
you totally, if you bro, if you really want to,
you totally can just sit in a room and go,
oh my god, I'm gonna die and my parents are
gonna die and all these bad things are gonna If
(27:19):
you really want to, yeah, you can. If you it's
you can totally choose to marinate in the all the
misery that there is to soak up at the temporary
nature of life. Uh, and you'd be right, and every
single marination would be correct, every single negative thought that
(27:43):
you had about how life is suffering and you're gonna
die and everyone ever you'd be so correct and all
of them, but it'd be a bad way to live,
you know, it'd be a bad it wouldn't be a
good life to live.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
I don't know if it's comforting to you, but if
it's cot, we are. We all are doing this, yes, sir.
Some of us live in slums and others live in mansions,
but we're all going in the same fucking place. And
that's I kind of that's comforting to me.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Oh the oh you mean like, oh, oh, like we're
all going to this like same destination, like as in
death in the end.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
No, yeah, we're all going We're all we're all going
to hell because we failed to accept Jesus Christ as
our Lord and savior. We're all going to hell. And
that makes me feel better.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Yeah, yeah, I get that. Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Well was this was this was helpful to you in
any way, shape or form?
Speaker 3 (28:45):
This was?
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Uh yeah, I'd say this was pretty helpful. You know.
I I should journal more. I definitely should. It's just like,
I don't know, it's definitely a perfectionist part of me
that I need to accept that I am a damn perfectionist,
and I need to accept that there is there's just
(29:07):
all in perfection in the world, and I just need
to journal. But I think the reason I hold that
off is because I you know, it's like, oh, I'm
journaling this to myself. I'm journaling what I already know
to myself, and you know, it's it's nice to be
able to talk to someone and like really like flesh
out like your thoughts and feelings.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Yeah, I'm really helpful. Good, Now, this was helpful for
me too. This was not a lot of the One
of the fun things about doing this show is like
I feel like I get to work out my thoughts.
I feel like I get to work out and express
my thoughts on things, and I kind of leave being
like because here's what's here's what I just before we go,
(29:50):
Here's what's going to happen. Is like I went on
a I went on a whole big speech about how
life is all and like that's great, and I met
and I meant every word of what I said in
the moment that I was saying it. But like, tomorrow,
the line is going to be too long at the
(30:11):
fucking post office and I'm gonna get pissed off, you know,
like I'm gonna like like an actual fucking life, and
then I'll be able to remind myself. I'm like, well,
you just you went on that you know, big dumb rant,
so you know, maybe maybe try to be more like
the thing that you're ranting about on your dumb podcast.
(30:34):
So so thanks for giving me the opportunity to make
that that dumb rant. I appreciate that.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Dude. I'm awesome. I'm glad I could help you too.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Is is there anything else you want to say to
the people of the computer before we go.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
You can accomplish anything you set your mind to and
hard to. And I wish everyone the best in their life.
And you know, yeah, I just wish everyone the best
in their life. And I hope everyone has a prosperous
and fulfilling life whatever it means to them. And yeah,
(31:09):
I hope they have a good night too.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Thank you, Wilheim, Good luck, sir, have a good rest
of the night.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Good luck to you. Thank you bye.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
I like that guy who was nice. He was a
good guy. His name Willheim, famous for the Wilheim scream. Brandon,
can we put a Wilheim scream in the like right,
like I'm gonna at the end of me saying this,
We'll put a little moment here and can you just
(31:41):
put a Willheim scream right there? Thank you? Brandon. Shout up, Brandon, Brandon,
the producer of Therapy, getto the Wilheim scream. It's this.
You guys have probably heard that scream before, right, It's
like a It's like in a bunch of movies. You
(32:01):
guys know that scream. I would play. There's a live
stream watching this right now. I can't play it for
them because I don't have I'm not good at soundboards.
But well, we'll put it in the podcast.
Speaker 4 (32:11):
Hello, hey man, how you doing.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
I'm doing I'm doing all right today. I'm doing all right.
I'm not doing as well as I was doing yesterday,
but I'm keeping it together.
Speaker 4 (32:23):
What you did sound really really like happy yesterday. I'm good.
I just got off work, just at home chilling.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Interesting, I said, do I sound significantly less happy today
than I did yesterday?
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (32:36):
No, not really. I think you sound pretty fine. But
I mean that's I'm not I'm certainly not an expert.
Speaker 2 (32:41):
It's weird. It's kind of interesting. Having I feel like
a fish and a tank sometimes and my behavior is
being analyzed. I don't really mind, though, I don't I
think so. You know how a lot of people I
may have gone on this rant before, but I'll do
it again. You know a lot of people they had
that kind of they have the kind of fear of
like being perceived. Oh god, yeah, sometimes and I'm I
(33:05):
feel I mean, you know, I do a show and
people listen to my voice and stuff, and I know,
I know empirically that I am being perceived heavily, but
I don't feel that way. Or actually, I mean I
feel that way sometimes, But at the end of the day,
like what like in my maybe in my head and
(33:26):
my anxiety, I feel perceived, but in my body and
then when I'm in the present, I'm just like, oh,
I'm just uh, eating and going on the computer. Anyway. Anyway,
I don't care. I don't. I don't, I don't. I
don't care. What's up with you? Tell me about your life,
Tell me why you called in.
Speaker 4 (33:43):
Uh So, I was calling in today to talk about
a stinky coworker that I have, Like he smells bad. Yeah,
he smells not good almost all the time.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
Oh no, oh no, okay, what do you do? What
do you work as?
Speaker 1 (33:57):
Are you?
Speaker 2 (33:58):
Are you in a truck with him and you're close quarters?
Speaker 4 (34:03):
No, I mean I I don't know if I want
to say, like where I work, but we are in
close quarters like quite a bit.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
What's the industry?
Speaker 4 (34:14):
Military?
Speaker 2 (34:16):
Okay, you're both in the military, right, are you in
like the killing people in military? Or the building ships military?
Which military?
Speaker 4 (34:29):
The ship's military?
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (34:31):
Definitely not the killing definitely not the killing people.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
Okay. I used to I might have said this on
the podcast right about say it again. I used to
think everyone in the army, I just think that that's
I used to think that's what the army was, is
like it's call of duty. You like, if someone says
they're in the army, that means that they're like in
a war zone with a gun shooting at people. And
then I realized, oh, most of the most of the time,
when someone says they're in the army, it's like they're
like on the computer.
Speaker 4 (34:56):
Yeah, it's mostly like most of the military at large
is just like with just stickle stuff. Anyway.
Speaker 2 (35:02):
Uh, okay, So you have a coworker who smells bad,
how long has he smelled bad?
Speaker 1 (35:06):
I do.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
So I've only been working at this place for like
a few weeks now, and uh, pretty much like the
whole time I have been there. There's been like a
couple of days where I think maybe he's taken a shower.
But like talking to some of my other new coworkers,
apparently this has been an issue with him for like
a year and a half. Oh it's been like yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
Okay, and you're in the and you're the new guy.
Speaker 4 (35:31):
I am the new guy.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Yeah okay, so you're trying. Okay. So it's been established
in this group that this guy has smelled bad for
a while, nobody has had the heart to tell him.
And you come in and you come in and you're like, hey,
this guy smells bad. Uh, and then everyone's like, yeah,
(35:55):
we just deal with it. And you're like, oh no,
I need to be the you. And you're like I
need to be the change from within.
Speaker 4 (36:01):
Go ahead, that's okay. So you're you're kind of half
right there. So our supervisors have told him like over
time to like, hey, please like wash your uniform and
like take a shower. Oh, I guess the guy he's
been told Yeah, like several times from what I understand, Okay,
(36:25):
so yeah, but yeah, I mean he's he's been told,
and you know, I guess it's like sometimes he'll get
better about it and then he'll just like fall back
into being thinky again. So I mean it's I mean,
he's not a bad guy either, Like he's he's pretty cool,
he's pretty nice. He just doesn't shower or wash his
(36:47):
uniform as much as he should. And like being the
new guy, like I want to get there and like
see things that might be wrong and like try to
like improve things and like make everybody happy and stuff
like that. But I it's just a weird thing to approach,
like telling a grown ass man like, hey, you smell bad,
(37:09):
please take a shower in like a nice.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
I don't know what the culture is because I've only
what's that move? What's the Stanley Kubrick movie Full Metal Jacket? Yeah,
where like that's that's the only thing I know about
the military is from that movie.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
And so it's it's interesting because I would think that
that ship is like I view the military as a
universe where a ship don't fly, you know what I mean,
Like people are yelling at you and I'm like, how
has this guy been able to go this long without
just getting his ass reamed out by his superior?
Speaker 4 (37:46):
That's kind of what happens.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
Is that not what happened?
Speaker 4 (37:49):
I mean, it's it's usually not like a screaming at somebody,
but it's like, hey man, you're fucked up, like fix
yourself kind of thing, and.
Speaker 2 (37:59):
And they're superiors told multiple times that he's got to
wash up.
Speaker 4 (38:03):
Right, yeah, like he like they had to like watch
this guy take a shower just to make sure that
he was actually clean kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
Like.
Speaker 4 (38:12):
It's it's it has gotten that bad from what I've heard.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Bro, I think you just got to tell him because
if this guy he's the If this guy is a
nice guy, two things. One one is, if this guy
is truly is a nice dude, he would not want
to make the life of the people working with him
more difficult by smelling like shit if he truly is
(38:40):
a nice man. And then two yeah, and then two
and then two is well I was going to say this,
and then I realized that he's been told before. But
if I smelled like shit, I'd.
Speaker 4 (38:52):
Want to know, you know, yea, you know, if I'm
exactly same if I have a booger hanging out of
my nose, like, please tell.
Speaker 2 (39:00):
Me, Yeah one time. If I have a booger hanging
on my nose and you tell me, I'll probably like,
I'll probably eat it with my tongue.
Speaker 4 (39:12):
No, I mean yeah, just like real. I mean, you're
a lizard, So yeah, Pat lizard.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
Shit, Uh, why don't you you you're gonn tell him?
You're gonna tell this guy that he sinks I would
like to.
Speaker 4 (39:22):
I think it's just like I've like, like I said, like,
it's it's telling a grown ass man like, hey, you
smell bad. I've never had to do that before. Thankfully
hopefully I'll never have to do it again. But it's
just like, how do I do this in a way
where I'm not an asshole because I don't believe in
that ship like, hey, you're fucked up, fix yourself types,
Like I just want to like be constructive about it.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
No, I don't think that you're trying. I don't think
you're out here trying to police this man's life for power.
You're just trying to get through the day without wanting
to throw up pretty much. Yeah, So I think that's reasonable.
I don't think that's being an asshole.
Speaker 4 (39:58):
Okay, that's good. I think it's just how how do
I say that in a in a nice way?
Speaker 2 (40:05):
I guess, well, I feel like a lot of people
in the military, they're like, I mean, they're like killing people, right.
Speaker 4 (40:14):
Uh, I guess I haven't met anybody personally now, but okay.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
So I mean general, that's I guess that's kind of
my bar for being an asshole. I suppose, Yeah, if
you're in the military, if you're killing people, and so
I think if you, like, if you were if you
said to me, this guy smells bad, I want to
(40:40):
kill him, I'd be like, I would say to you, what's.
Speaker 4 (40:44):
Your name, Brandon?
Speaker 2 (40:47):
I'd say, Brandon. That's kind of an asshole thing to do,
to kill a guy for smelling bad. But if you so, yeah,
that's the situation where I would think you were an asshole.
But if you said to me, I want to how
this guy smells bad because it's making everyone else uncomfortable,
I would be like, yeah, that sounds reasonable. So I
(41:08):
don't think you're being an asshole if you're not. If
you're doing that, yeah, is there anything else you want
to say to the people of the computer before we go.
Speaker 4 (41:20):
I guess take showers and wash your clothes if you
don't already do it, you know, I don't know. I
think that's about it. I appreciate you taking the time.
Like I said, I've first time calling in, so this
really nice time to talk to you, and hopefully I'll
be able to see one of your lives show. Are
you coming too Southern California at any point.
Speaker 2 (41:41):
Soonersh, Yeah, I'm coming to I'm coming to Los Angeles
the Masonic Lodge November eighth and ninth. November eighth is
sold out. November ninth has like a few tickets left
if you want to jog from that.
Speaker 4 (41:53):
Okay, that is a bit far for me, but I'm
going to think about it.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
But I mean, if you come, he said, So you
said you said Southern California.
Speaker 4 (42:03):
I guess I should have said San Diego specifically. If
you ever come down here, most definitely be there.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Well, I did a show in San Diego a couple
of years ago and it bombed really hard, and so
I'm afraid to go.
Speaker 4 (42:16):
But happened.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
I just was I just wasn't funny. I just was
not good.
Speaker 4 (42:22):
Well, I mean there's probably go maybe the people being kicked.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
No, I yeah something yeah, no, I think. I think.
Sometimes you just gotta know. Sometimes you gotta take the
l Sometimes you gotta be I think, if you like if,
sometimes you gotta be like I sucked, I was not
I was not good because what the alternative is the
alternative to be like if if the alternative is genuine psychopathy,
(42:47):
to be like, the only reason one of my the
only reason one of my endeavors would not go well
is has to be because of other people. You're probably
a complete psychopath. So so sometimes you're gonna suck. Sometimes
you're gonna suck in life. Sometimes in life you're gonna suck.
(43:08):
Sometimes you're gonna suck. You're gonna be annoying, people are
not gonna like you. You're gonna be really bad and
not you're gonna smell bad. But and that's so you
have to accept that you're, you know, imperfect, and you suck.
Sometimes if it's always someone else's fault, then you know,
(43:29):
I don't know. Maybe sometimes sometimes I do. Sometimes it
is sometimes it is I don't know. Don't never don't
quote me on anything I ever say. Somebody on the
somebody in the YouTube comments quoted me. They like, I
remember hearing that, Yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh did I say
that already?
Speaker 4 (43:49):
I think I think you mentioned it. I either heard
it in the podcast or on a street a while back.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
Someone that quoted somebody had quoted you. Someone quoted something
I said, and I'm like, maybe uncomfortable. I'm like, don't
don't quote me on anything. I'm just I'm just talking.
I don't know, I'm just I wish. I wish all
these podcasts like someone can listen to them once and
then they disappear after everyone who's ever going to listen
to them listens to them. Because I don't know, don't
(44:15):
quote me on anything. I'm insane. Anyway, I'm sorry I
dragged this out for too long.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
And you know what, that's not your fault.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
That's mine. That's not your fault, that's mine. What's here?
What's your name again?
Speaker 4 (44:28):
Brandon?
Speaker 2 (44:30):
Thank you for calling Brandon? Is there anything else you
want to say to you already said? We already did
that part. We already did that part.
Speaker 4 (44:35):
I think what Yeah, I think doing it twice might
be a bit too much. Thanks, Lyle. I appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
I love you.
Speaker 4 (44:42):
I love you too.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
See you later Bye. Goes on the line every night, everything,
just teaching you, expert
Hey, gek, how's it going?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
You know, man, it's going all right. Uh. I think
I started off this recording session with a lot of
energy because but it's it's kind of I feel like
I'm crashing a little bit. Has ever happened to you?
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Yeah, yeah, I I've been crashing a lot lately, Like
I I don't know. It was definitely an after college
type deal where I just I feel pooped a lot
of the time.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
But yeah, yeah, so tell me what is it you
wanted to talk about.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Well, there's a few things, I guess right now, I
am like pretty I am pretty depressed, I would say,
but like there are things that I like should be
happy about. I mean, shit, I'm happy to be talking
to you right now, to be honest, But uh, also
(01:10):
have some O c D that drags me down a
lot during the day. And it's just like filled with
a lot of intrusive thoughts, a lot of like i'd
like it's more like compulsions too to my thoughts, because
(01:32):
like O c D is like more towards reassurance, Like
you have to consistently like reassure yourself a lot of
the time, and it just takes up like hours of
my day and like I could be doing more too,
do better about it, but it's just it's been really hard.
(01:56):
It's been really hard.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
What do you? What do you? What are you attempting
to you assure yourself of on a daily basis.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
That I'm a good person. That uh I'm like h
like I'm a good guy. I know I'm a good guy,
but it's like a lot of the times it's like
I'm a good person. And then also this is like
a weird one because when I was like very young,
like MYOCD started with like you know, intrusive thoughts, you know,
(02:30):
just like really weird ones. And then like it also
it almost became a compulsion to like step on cracks
on the sidewalk. And now it's like now it's like, oh,
I can't use my left leg, and it's like hey, Willhelm,
(02:52):
you can use your left leg, like you can walk,
you can use it. And it's starting to get out
of hand where it's like a compulsion of just like
not using my left leg. And it sounds like crazy
because like that's what OCD does to you. It's like,
(03:12):
you know, you just constantly reassure yourself when you feel
like you're going in in a in a spiral, in
a cycle, and yeah, so like it's sometimes it's like
I don't feel like I'm like balanced, Like I like
(03:32):
it's like a reassurance of like my body is like balanced.
But also I think this I think what this really
stems from is it's like another thing too, is uh
probably I think this stems from like Bobby dysmorphia, to.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Be honest, Yeah, yeah, well what kind of body.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
I think it's the sense that well, like I was
like really fit going into college, Like I was a
pretty sick guy. I went to the gym like very regularly,
and then I like started smoking more wheat, and I
(04:22):
think that's when a lot of the anxiety started to
was around that corner. So it felt like I had
to go for this perfection. And then this was also
when COVID started too. This was like around I was
like a freshman in college, and so there was like
(04:43):
the built up anxiety of like I need this perfection
of like my body. And then there's like also like
I don't know, the anxiety from smoking. And then and
then on top of that, I got cooped up in
an apartment you know, with some roommates there were some
(05:04):
nice guys, but there's just anxiety from that. And it
was like a lot, it was a lot of like
and during all of that, and sorry to cut you off,
but like during all of that, it was like a
lot of internalization of like these feelings of anxiety.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
I've been. I don't know if the things I've had
to say or in any way, shape or form related
to what you're talking about, but I think i've been.
I was today, I was thinking about anxiety because I
have a lot of anxiety. I think my anxiety has
gotten a lot worse in the past couple of years.
(05:48):
It's maybe like doubled or you know, maybe like times
one point five or whatever. But I think I've always
had a little bit of anxiety, and I've been thinking
about it a lot, and I I've realized that, well
a few things. Anxiety is like a is a it's
(06:11):
like a thirst for control. I think like like like
there's a weird comfort. There's a weird comfort and anxiety
and it makes you, uh feel like you're in a way,
it feels like it guides you. Like I don't know
if you've ever experienced And I think maybe you alluded
to this a little bit that there's like a like
(06:32):
when you're not being productive or you're not like moving
your life forward in a meaningful way, Uh, it makes
you anxious and in that way, and that anxiety, even
though it's it doesn't make it makes that anxiety is
weirdly like holding you accountable to do more with your life.
(06:54):
But it's a weird paradoxical thing because on one hand,
you could say that you're anxiety is helping to light
a fire under your ass to keep moving your life
forward productively, but it all but it also is making
the version of your life that you're currently living worse
because you're uncomfortable all the time. And so I don't know,
(07:19):
but I don't I'm not gonna say if these are
good things or bad things. I'm trying to let my
anxiety go because after a while, I do feel like, oh,
if I'm like I use my anxiety to protect myself,
you know, like like if I'm if I'm always anxious
that something really bad is going to happen to me
(07:40):
in some weird form, I think subconsciously, I feel like
my anxiety that something really bad is going to happen
to me is protecting me from the bad thing, because
if I let my guard down for just a second
and if I throw my anxiety away, if I put
it away, that's when the bad thing is going to strike,
and my guard is gonna be down. I'm not gonna
(08:01):
be protected but U And so I've been thinking about
that a lot because I would love to be less anxious.
It would make my life better. And I think I'm
slowly starting to arrive at a point where I'm gonna
I'm gonna try one of my Like, I know this
is thinking very far ahead, but one of my twenty
twenty five goals is to like let go of my
(08:26):
anxiety and just like see what life is like if
I let my guard down and just accept the circumstances
of life instead of always trying to be on a defensive.
And I'm really excited for that. I don't know why
(08:46):
I've I don't know. I don't know why I've chosen
twenty twenty five to do that. I don't know why
I can't just do that right fucking now. It's beecause
I'm just procrastinating because I'm scared. But it's weird, I
think anxiety. I think I I could definitely write a
long list of ways in which my anxiety has helped me,
But I could write a really long wait list of
(09:09):
ways in which anxiety has just made my life uh suck.
And I know and by the way I know anxiety,
I know that that what I'm talking about is very
differently from like O c D. Specifically, I know OCD
is a very specific kind of anxiety. But I I
I'm not a fucking I'm a dude in a gecko
(09:32):
costume who's just who's experienced anxiety. And I'm anecdotally making
these conclusions. But for me, if it's it's definitely a
control thing. It's definitely a control thing. And if I'm
letting go of that control, I'm what else do I have.
I'm I'm naked, I'm bare, my supple body is exposed
(09:53):
to the to the world. You know, Yeah, I don't
know if thats.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
No, it does because like I I agree on I
agree on like the seeking of control because like you know,
when like I, so, here's crazy thing like when I
was little, I told you about the cracks, right, and
this was like I don't know, probably like early middle
(10:21):
school and this, uh, this had gone on for a summer,
Like I would I would have to touch this crack.
I felt like I had to touch this crack or
you know if I even man It was hard waking
up in the morning because I had like blue carpet
in my room, and the blue carpet would change to
(10:41):
a blonde carpet into the hallway. So there's like that
line that crack between the door leaning to the hallway
in my room, and I'd have to touch it every day,
and and it was a constant spiral of like I
need to, I need to, I need touch that because
I have to remind myself that that I don't have
(11:05):
to do that. So I need to show an example
of you know me, you know, being able to walk
through and like, you know, if I touch it, it'll
keep me safe. And you know, it went on for
three months, and you know, I didn't I didn't seek help,
which I should have. But I woke up one day
(11:27):
in my little tights car bed and I said, fuck this,
and I walked past the crack and it felt like
a lot. I felt like a lot of anxiety at first,
but like as the days went on, it did like decrease,
and I eventually like escaped it, and I like I
(11:51):
think that's what, like, you know, could happen again. I
know that's what can happen again if I, you know,
oppose my compole shouldn't send mine and my thoughts and
my anxiety is that if I push through and not,
like you said, let us, you know, be be naked
to the world. I think, you know, in a in
(12:14):
a I don't know, analogy type way, we'll be able
to find our clothes again.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Well, you ever, you ever, bro, you ever meet you ever?
You ever meet someone who has no anxiety? You know,
you ever meet a person like that?
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Yes, And you're just like and I'm I'm always amazed
by that. I'm always like, I don't know, I I like,
it's like meeting a It's like a unicorn or something.
It's like, this is a magical being and look at that.
They're still alive and we were I think people would
like And it's a weird thing, right because I think, okay,
(12:53):
like I'll just go back to like whatever anxiety of
not being productive or of not moving your life forward,
there's a weird paradox where like you're anxious that if
you don't move your life forward, you're not gonna be happy,
so you make yourself unhappy so that you can move
your life forward so that you can be happy. Like
(13:15):
it's a weird paradox, Whereas when you meet someone with
no anxiety, they're just naturally okay and happy because they're
fucking because they're living in the moment. That's what makes
people happy. I think it's naturally okay. And every time
I see that, I'm like, I had to fag you
get there, And I don't know, I really I wonder
(13:38):
this a lot. Is like people who are like that,
did they Was there a process they underwent in which
they consciously decided to, through various repetitions, throw their anxiety
to the curb so that that became the natural mode
of thinking or were they just born that way? Most
(14:00):
of them are probably just born that way. Probably, But
that doesn't mean that one cannot, through repetitions, become a
less anxious person. And then also and not by the way,
that's the internal side of it. There's also the external
side of it. If you I think, if you've experienced,
(14:20):
if things are going well in your external life, it
is easier to be less anxious. And then the inverse
is true.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Do you think like your ego gets in the way
of like I don't know if it's like an ego
of like, you know, like for me, it's definitely not
an ego of like not seeking help. It's like I
can do this, like I can get through it. And
then it's like I get anxious and then I get
lost in spiraling thoughts and compulsion and like I don't
(14:57):
know if that's like like a like I don't know,
like I guess, like for me, like you mentioned you
know that person who you know used to be happy,
or you mentioned a person who is a happy, go
lucky person and you know they live like in the
(15:17):
moments and you're like, holy shit, like how did that happen?
And it's like for me, it's like I used to
like be that person.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
And sorry, I don't want to cut you. I don't
want to cut you. I don't sorry, I don't want
to cut you off. But your phone is being shitty?
Is there anything that you can do to make it not?
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (15:41):
Here in one second, Okay, we don't We don't have
to cut this part out of the podcast. We can
keep this, we can keep this in. Let's keep this technically, yes, yes, go,
I don't know why I want to keep it in,
but I just it's something about it feels nice. Let's
keep this particular tech glare. Okay, you were saying you
(16:02):
were talking about the idea of a happy, go lucky person.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Yes, yeah, yeah, and like I used to be that person,
like growing up.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Oh so you went the other way around yeah, yeah,
I went the other way around here one second, Yeah
I went the other way around, and like, yeah, I
was very happy, go lucky.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
And part of my I think OCD or anxiety is
like I want that back, Like I'm trying to reassure myself,
like hey, like if you just do this, I'll get
this back. And then it's like one little small mistake
and it's like, oh my gosh, it's it's it's over
or it's not over.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Well, okay, so why did it hold on? Well, so
you say you used to be okay, you used to
be a person who had less anxiety, and now your
person has more anxiety, and you you're correct pining and
now you're pining for the past where you had less anxiety.
Why do you think you have more anxiety?
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Now? That is a good question. I think uh m
hm uh. It might be a speaking of control because
(17:34):
I feel like this is like a consistent theme with
like you know, going after that that past of like
the happy go lucky self, going after this perfection, I
actually lose what I had by going after it, and
(17:55):
I you know, I don't know. I think, well, I'll
tell you what my my is that because of my
you know, when this started about you know, going after
this this body, this perfect type or not even perfect type,
just like a very lean body, because I want to
(18:15):
be an actor and I want to, you know, go
into movies. And you know, I got caught up with
you know, looking a certain way and going after this
you know, this this body type. And you know, I
I think it was I think partially it was that's
(18:39):
going after something that's on it, Like you know this
thing that you see through this the screen. You know,
it's it's it's unattainable.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
So you're you're part of part of your anxiety has
increased because well let me ask you that, how old
are you?
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Uh, I'm twenty three, okay.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
And this time period that this narrative that you were less,
that you were a happy go lucky person, now you're not.
When were you this so called happy go lucky person.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
I'd say the last time was probably senior year of
high school, freshman year of college.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
Okay, so few, yeah, okay, because part of me feels, yeah, go.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Ahead, or I just want to give you more of
a time frame. The my first semester of college, no,
going into the spring break of my second semester of
my freshman year of college is when COVID hit. But
that's just I don't know, I don't know why I
need to mention that. But there's some time friend for you,
(19:48):
I guess. Anyways, were you yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Okay, so well I was going to Okay, I actually
take back what I was going to say that. I
think just growing up gives you a little bit more,
just gives you more anxiety. There's more responsibilities I was
talking about. My mom told me that because I told
her I was anxious, and she she was like, well,
I think part of it is just yeah, when you
(20:11):
become an adult, you just have more shit you got
to deal with, though not inherently, I mean maybe inherently.
I mean you got to figure out a way to eat,
and you gotta figure out a way to not You
just gotta figure out and not die. That's the and
not dying gets a little bit harder when you become
(20:32):
an adult because for most of your life other there's
a lot of other people around you making sure that
you don't die. And then as you get older, less
and less people try to make sure that you don't die.
And then you get really old, and then you and
then you go into a hospital and then again and
then you're again there's other people making sure you don't die,
but then you're more likely to actually die. I don't
(20:56):
know if that makes you feel like.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
It Yeah, it's like a maybe it's sorry, Well maybe
it's like losing I don't know that it wasn't like,
you know, I wasn't a crazy kid. It was like
I'm invincible. I can withstand fire and cars and whatever.
But you know, there's that type of like feeling. I
(21:19):
don't know, at least for me when I was a
kid where I was like, oh, wow, it's gonna be
a great day, Like it's gonna I can't wait. So
what happens today?
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Okay, yeah, let's talk about that. So when you were
a kid, you had a feeling that it was a
great that you woke up and you were like, oh,
it's a great day. I can't wait to see what
happens today.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, dude, I really.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Want to be able to describe this feel. I had
this feeling last night. I had this feeling last night
that like everything was gonna be okay. And I think
I had been searching for that feeling externally, and that
feeling it's not permanent. It's gonna fade and I'm gonna
go and say tomorrow, But I just like I had
(22:06):
that feel. I had that feeling, and I really I
felt it deep. I felt calm, and I was like,
epiphanies aren't permanent. They that you have to have them
multiple times over and over again. But I had this
little epiphany where I was like, oh, I really do
(22:28):
think that all of this is perspective. I have nothing
to envy about anyone else. I'm gonna be alright in
and of my self. H I just I don't know.
I just adopted this perspective that I don't need to
(22:53):
be fucking anxious all the time. And I just felt it.
I felt it, and I felt like I could get
there it just in my own brain. And so when
you say when I was a child, I woke up
and life was exciting and I was looking forward to things.
(23:18):
I do believe that that feeling that you're envious of
your childhood's self about is yeah, is accessible to you,
and you can just kind of I know, I understand
the the inkling to believe that this is total bullshit,
(23:43):
because some days I do believe in it and some
days I don't. But I kind of do believe that
anytime you want, you can just decide to feel that way.
M Yeah, some days it's going to be more difficult
to make that decision, and other days it'll come a
bit more easy to you. But I do fundamentally believe
(24:05):
that life is uh. I don't always feel this way.
I'm feeling this way in this moment right now as
I'm talking about all this stuff to you, But at
my best, I'm operating from a place that life is
just about perspective. And I think you can decide, you
(24:30):
can just decide. I know this is I get where,
but I think I can just decide for me personally.
I feel like on there are certain days I can
just decide to not be anxious, and I can decide
I'm going to enjoy life, and I can decide to
be optimistic, and I kind of have that. I have
that choice every day, and again, sometimes it's easier to
(24:52):
make sometimes it's not, depending on what's going on around me.
But I kind I really just think that every day
of the choice is here. I don't know if that
means anything, no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Yeah, yeah, that's that's pretty helpful. I I agree, because like,
you know, uh, this childhood self of mine, like I
I didn't care well like you know, if you know,
I I didn't care if like someone called me names
(25:25):
at school, or if kids tease me, or you know,
if I you know, I don't know, uh did bad
for an audition or I embarrassed myself, like I mean,
of course I'm human. Like I felt, you know, maybe
embarrassed in the moment or like I was like, oh man,
that was kind of mean, you know whatever. But then
(25:47):
I was like, oh, oh well, like you know, like hey,
let's let's go over here and see what happens and
you know, have some fun. And I think also, I
think a reason I had this personerspective when I was
young is my parents are much older. When when I
(26:08):
was a little kid, I kind of just like I
thought to myself like, oh my gosh, like when I'm
this age, like my parents might be gone.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Like you know, my my I told that to my
parents and they comforted me and you know, and I
don't know why, but like I think there's like something
from that when I was a kid where I was
just like I I'm going to have this perspective of
(26:47):
just enjoying the day and then enjoying life. I mean,
it could have been like a kid thing, you know,
type deal, you know, a kid perspective also like I did.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
You know, but it's not. Yeah, but it's not that
is a I mean, I mean, fuck man, you can yeah,
if you really want Yeah, if you really want to,
you totally, if you bro, if you really want to,
you totally can just sit in a room and go,
oh my god, I'm gonna die and my parents are
gonna die and all these bad things are gonna If
(27:19):
you really want to, yeah, you can. If you it's
you can totally choose to marinate in the all the
misery that there is to soak up at the temporary
nature of life. Uh, and you'd be right, and every
single marination would be correct, every single negative thought that
(27:43):
you had about how life is suffering and you're gonna
die and everyone ever you'd be so correct and all
of them, but it'd be a bad way to live,
you know, it'd be a bad it wouldn't be a
good life to live.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
I don't know if it's comforting to you, but if
it's cot, we are. We all are doing this, yes, sir.
Some of us live in slums and others live in mansions,
but we're all going in the same fucking place. And
that's I kind of that's comforting to me.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Oh the oh you mean like, oh, oh, like we're
all going to this like same destination, like as in
death in the end.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
No, yeah, we're all going We're all we're all going
to hell because we failed to accept Jesus Christ as
our Lord and savior. We're all going to hell. And
that makes me feel better.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Yeah, yeah, I get that. Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Well was this was this was helpful to you in
any way, shape or form?
Speaker 3 (28:45):
This was?
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Uh yeah, I'd say this was pretty helpful. You know.
I I should journal more. I definitely should. It's just like,
I don't know, it's definitely a perfectionist part of me
that I need to accept that I am a damn perfectionist,
and I need to accept that there is there's just
(29:07):
all in perfection in the world, and I just need
to journal. But I think the reason I hold that
off is because I you know, it's like, oh, I'm
journaling this to myself. I'm journaling what I already know
to myself, and you know, it's it's nice to be
able to talk to someone and like really like flesh
out like your thoughts and feelings.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Yeah, I'm really helpful. Good, Now, this was helpful for
me too. This was not a lot of the One
of the fun things about doing this show is like
I feel like I get to work out my thoughts.
I feel like I get to work out and express
my thoughts on things, and I kind of leave being
like because here's what's here's what I just before we go,
(29:50):
Here's what's going to happen. Is like I went on
a I went on a whole big speech about how
life is all and like that's great, and I met
and I meant every word of what I said in
the moment that I was saying it. But like, tomorrow,
the line is going to be too long at the
(30:11):
fucking post office and I'm gonna get pissed off, you know,
like I'm gonna like like an actual fucking life, and
then I'll be able to remind myself. I'm like, well,
you just you went on that you know, big dumb rant,
so you know, maybe maybe try to be more like
the thing that you're ranting about on your dumb podcast.
(30:34):
So so thanks for giving me the opportunity to make
that that dumb rant. I appreciate that.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Dude. I'm awesome. I'm glad I could help you too.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Is is there anything else you want to say to
the people of the computer before we go.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
You can accomplish anything you set your mind to and
hard to. And I wish everyone the best in their life.
And you know, yeah, I just wish everyone the best
in their life. And I hope everyone has a prosperous
and fulfilling life whatever it means to them. And yeah,
(31:09):
I hope they have a good night too.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Thank you, Wilheim, Good luck, sir, have a good rest
of the night.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Good luck to you. Thank you bye.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
I like that guy who was nice. He was a
good guy. His name Willheim, famous for the Wilheim scream. Brandon,
can we put a Wilheim scream in the like right,
like I'm gonna at the end of me saying this,
We'll put a little moment here and can you just
(31:41):
put a Willheim scream right there? Thank you? Brandon. Shout up, Brandon, Brandon,
the producer of Therapy, getto the Wilheim scream. It's this.
You guys have probably heard that scream before, right, It's
like a It's like in a bunch of movies. You
(32:01):
guys know that scream. I would play. There's a live
stream watching this right now. I can't play it for
them because I don't have I'm not good at soundboards.
But well, we'll put it in the podcast.
Speaker 4 (32:11):
Hello, hey man, how you doing.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
I'm doing I'm doing all right today. I'm doing all right.
I'm not doing as well as I was doing yesterday,
but I'm keeping it together.
Speaker 4 (32:23):
What you did sound really really like happy yesterday. I'm good.
I just got off work, just at home chilling.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Interesting, I said, do I sound significantly less happy today
than I did yesterday?
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (32:36):
No, not really. I think you sound pretty fine. But
I mean that's I'm not I'm certainly not an expert.
Speaker 2 (32:41):
It's weird. It's kind of interesting. Having I feel like
a fish and a tank sometimes and my behavior is
being analyzed. I don't really mind, though, I don't I
think so. You know how a lot of people I
may have gone on this rant before, but I'll do
it again. You know a lot of people they had
that kind of they have the kind of fear of
like being perceived. Oh god, yeah, sometimes and I'm I
(33:05):
feel I mean, you know, I do a show and
people listen to my voice and stuff, and I know,
I know empirically that I am being perceived heavily, but
I don't feel that way. Or actually, I mean I
feel that way sometimes, But at the end of the day,
like what like in my maybe in my head and
(33:26):
my anxiety, I feel perceived, but in my body and
then when I'm in the present, I'm just like, oh,
I'm just uh, eating and going on the computer. Anyway. Anyway,
I don't care. I don't. I don't, I don't. I
don't care. What's up with you? Tell me about your life,
Tell me why you called in.
Speaker 4 (33:43):
Uh So, I was calling in today to talk about
a stinky coworker that I have, Like he smells bad. Yeah,
he smells not good almost all the time.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
Oh no, oh no, okay, what do you do? What
do you work as?
Speaker 1 (33:57):
Are you?
Speaker 2 (33:58):
Are you in a truck with him and you're close quarters?
Speaker 4 (34:03):
No, I mean I I don't know if I want
to say, like where I work, but we are in
close quarters like quite a bit.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
What's the industry?
Speaker 4 (34:14):
Military?
Speaker 2 (34:16):
Okay, you're both in the military, right, are you in
like the killing people in military? Or the building ships military?
Which military?
Speaker 4 (34:29):
The ship's military?
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (34:31):
Definitely not the killing definitely not the killing people.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
Okay. I used to I might have said this on
the podcast right about say it again. I used to
think everyone in the army, I just think that that's
I used to think that's what the army was, is
like it's call of duty. You like, if someone says
they're in the army, that means that they're like in
a war zone with a gun shooting at people. And
then I realized, oh, most of the most of the time,
when someone says they're in the army, it's like they're
like on the computer.
Speaker 4 (34:56):
Yeah, it's mostly like most of the military at large
is just like with just stickle stuff. Anyway.
Speaker 2 (35:02):
Uh, okay, So you have a coworker who smells bad,
how long has he smelled bad?
Speaker 1 (35:06):
I do.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
So I've only been working at this place for like
a few weeks now, and uh, pretty much like the
whole time I have been there. There's been like a
couple of days where I think maybe he's taken a shower.
But like talking to some of my other new coworkers,
apparently this has been an issue with him for like
a year and a half. Oh it's been like yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
Okay, and you're in the and you're the new guy.
Speaker 4 (35:31):
I am the new guy.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Yeah okay, so you're trying. Okay. So it's been established
in this group that this guy has smelled bad for
a while, nobody has had the heart to tell him.
And you come in and you come in and you're like, hey,
this guy smells bad. Uh, and then everyone's like, yeah,
(35:55):
we just deal with it. And you're like, oh no,
I need to be the you. And you're like I
need to be the change from within.
Speaker 4 (36:01):
Go ahead, that's okay. So you're you're kind of half
right there. So our supervisors have told him like over
time to like, hey, please like wash your uniform and
like take a shower. Oh, I guess the guy he's
been told Yeah, like several times from what I understand, Okay,
(36:25):
so yeah, but yeah, I mean he's he's been told,
and you know, I guess it's like sometimes he'll get
better about it and then he'll just like fall back
into being thinky again. So I mean it's I mean,
he's not a bad guy either, Like he's he's pretty cool,
he's pretty nice. He just doesn't shower or wash his
(36:47):
uniform as much as he should. And like being the
new guy, like I want to get there and like
see things that might be wrong and like try to
like improve things and like make everybody happy and stuff
like that. But I it's just a weird thing to approach,
like telling a grown ass man like, hey, you smell bad,
(37:09):
please take a shower in like a nice.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
I don't know what the culture is because I've only
what's that move? What's the Stanley Kubrick movie Full Metal Jacket? Yeah,
where like that's that's the only thing I know about
the military is from that movie.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
And so it's it's interesting because I would think that
that ship is like I view the military as a
universe where a ship don't fly, you know what I mean,
Like people are yelling at you and I'm like, how
has this guy been able to go this long without
just getting his ass reamed out by his superior?
Speaker 4 (37:46):
That's kind of what happens.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
Is that not what happened?
Speaker 4 (37:49):
I mean, it's it's usually not like a screaming at somebody,
but it's like, hey man, you're fucked up, like fix
yourself kind of thing, and.
Speaker 2 (37:59):
And they're superiors told multiple times that he's got to
wash up.
Speaker 4 (38:03):
Right, yeah, like he like they had to like watch
this guy take a shower just to make sure that
he was actually clean kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
Like.
Speaker 4 (38:12):
It's it's it has gotten that bad from what I've heard.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Bro, I think you just got to tell him because
if this guy he's the If this guy is a
nice guy, two things. One one is, if this guy
is truly is a nice dude, he would not want
to make the life of the people working with him
more difficult by smelling like shit if he truly is
(38:40):
a nice man. And then two yeah, and then two
and then two is well I was going to say this,
and then I realized that he's been told before. But
if I smelled like shit, I'd.
Speaker 4 (38:52):
Want to know, you know, yea, you know, if I'm
exactly same if I have a booger hanging out of
my nose, like, please tell.
Speaker 2 (39:00):
Me, Yeah one time. If I have a booger hanging
on my nose and you tell me, I'll probably like,
I'll probably eat it with my tongue.
Speaker 4 (39:12):
No, I mean yeah, just like real. I mean, you're
a lizard, So yeah, Pat lizard.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
Shit, Uh, why don't you you you're gonn tell him?
You're gonna tell this guy that he sinks I would
like to.
Speaker 4 (39:22):
I think it's just like I've like, like I said, like,
it's it's telling a grown ass man like, hey, you
smell bad. I've never had to do that before. Thankfully
hopefully I'll never have to do it again. But it's
just like, how do I do this in a way
where I'm not an asshole because I don't believe in
that ship like, hey, you're fucked up, fix yourself types,
Like I just want to like be constructive about it.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
No, I don't think that you're trying. I don't think
you're out here trying to police this man's life for power.
You're just trying to get through the day without wanting
to throw up pretty much. Yeah, So I think that's reasonable.
I don't think that's being an asshole.
Speaker 4 (39:58):
Okay, that's good. I think it's just how how do
I say that in a in a nice way?
Speaker 2 (40:05):
I guess, well, I feel like a lot of people
in the military, they're like, I mean, they're like killing people, right.
Speaker 4 (40:14):
Uh, I guess I haven't met anybody personally now, but okay.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
So I mean general, that's I guess that's kind of
my bar for being an asshole. I suppose, Yeah, if
you're in the military, if you're killing people, and so
I think if you, like, if you were if you
said to me, this guy smells bad, I want to
(40:40):
kill him, I'd be like, I would say to you, what's.
Speaker 4 (40:44):
Your name, Brandon?
Speaker 2 (40:47):
I'd say, Brandon. That's kind of an asshole thing to do,
to kill a guy for smelling bad. But if you so, yeah,
that's the situation where I would think you were an asshole.
But if you said to me, I want to how
this guy smells bad because it's making everyone else uncomfortable,
I would be like, yeah, that sounds reasonable. So I
(41:08):
don't think you're being an asshole if you're not. If
you're doing that, yeah, is there anything else you want
to say to the people of the computer before we go.
Speaker 4 (41:20):
I guess take showers and wash your clothes if you
don't already do it, you know, I don't know. I
think that's about it. I appreciate you taking the time.
Like I said, I've first time calling in, so this
really nice time to talk to you, and hopefully I'll
be able to see one of your lives show. Are
you coming too Southern California at any point.
Speaker 2 (41:41):
Soonersh, Yeah, I'm coming to I'm coming to Los Angeles
the Masonic Lodge November eighth and ninth. November eighth is
sold out. November ninth has like a few tickets left
if you want to jog from that.
Speaker 4 (41:53):
Okay, that is a bit far for me, but I'm
going to think about it.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
But I mean, if you come, he said, So you
said you said Southern California.
Speaker 4 (42:03):
I guess I should have said San Diego specifically. If
you ever come down here, most definitely be there.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Well, I did a show in San Diego a couple
of years ago and it bombed really hard, and so
I'm afraid to go.
Speaker 4 (42:16):
But happened.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
I just was I just wasn't funny. I just was
not good.
Speaker 4 (42:22):
Well, I mean there's probably go maybe the people being kicked.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
No, I yeah something yeah, no, I think. I think.
Sometimes you just gotta know. Sometimes you gotta take the
l Sometimes you gotta be I think, if you like if,
sometimes you gotta be like I sucked, I was not
I was not good because what the alternative is the
alternative to be like if if the alternative is genuine psychopathy,
(42:47):
to be like, the only reason one of my the
only reason one of my endeavors would not go well
is has to be because of other people. You're probably
a complete psychopath. So so sometimes you're gonna suck. Sometimes
you're gonna suck in life. Sometimes in life you're gonna suck.
(43:08):
Sometimes you're gonna suck. You're gonna be annoying, people are
not gonna like you. You're gonna be really bad and
not you're gonna smell bad. But and that's so you
have to accept that you're, you know, imperfect, and you suck.
Sometimes if it's always someone else's fault, then you know,
(43:29):
I don't know. Maybe sometimes sometimes I do. Sometimes it
is sometimes it is I don't know. Don't never don't
quote me on anything I ever say. Somebody on the
somebody in the YouTube comments quoted me. They like, I
remember hearing that, Yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh did I say
that already?
Speaker 4 (43:49):
I think I think you mentioned it. I either heard
it in the podcast or on a street a while back.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
Someone that quoted somebody had quoted you. Someone quoted something
I said, and I'm like, maybe uncomfortable. I'm like, don't
don't quote me on anything. I'm just I'm just talking.
I don't know, I'm just I wish. I wish all
these podcasts like someone can listen to them once and
then they disappear after everyone who's ever going to listen
to them listens to them. Because I don't know, don't
(44:15):
quote me on anything. I'm insane. Anyway, I'm sorry I
dragged this out for too long.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
And you know what, that's not your fault.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
That's mine. That's not your fault, that's mine. What's here?
What's your name again?
Speaker 4 (44:28):
Brandon?
Speaker 2 (44:30):
Thank you for calling Brandon? Is there anything else you
want to say to you already said? We already did
that part. We already did that part.
Speaker 4 (44:35):
I think what Yeah, I think doing it twice might
be a bit too much. Thanks, Lyle. I appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
I love you.
Speaker 4 (44:42):
I love you too.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
See you later Bye. Goes on the line every night, everything,
just teaching you, expert
Host
Lyle Drescher
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'Monster: BTK', the newest installment in the 'Monster' franchise, reveals the true story of the Wichita, Kansas serial killer who murdered at least 10 people between 1974 and 1991. Known by the moniker, BTK – Bind Torture Kill, his notoriety was bolstered by the taunting letters he sent to police, and the chilling phone calls he made to media outlets. BTK's identity was finally revealed in 2005 to the shock of his family, his community, and the world. He was the serial killer next door. From Tenderfoot TV & iHeartPodcasts, this is 'Monster: BTK'.
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