November 3, 2024 • 56 mins
A caller tries to balance parenthood, existential dread, and working at Applebee’s.
Afterwards we hear from a caller trying to make things work in the Netherlands and a final caller attempts to explore the dense social scene of Flint, Michigan.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Oh, my fucking god.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
What's your name? Lad?
Speaker 2 (00:05):
My name is Nick.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Nick. What's up, Nick? How you doing, buddy?
Speaker 3 (00:11):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
I'm not ship. How's it going?
Speaker 1 (00:15):
I'm actually feeling pretty uh okay right now? I'm excited
to talk to you. What's up?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Yeah, I'm excited to talk to you. Fuck I don't know.
I'm nervous as hell now, God damn it.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Have have we ever talked before? Nick?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
No?
Speaker 1 (00:34):
All right? Cool? Where who are you? You have a
bombastic personality?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Well thank you. I don't think anybody's ever said that
to me before.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Who who are you?
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I'm a guy? Sure are I'm a guy that does things?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Sure are what kind of hell?
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Yeah? Uh? Well, hotly, just hang out with my kids work.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
You know, how old are your kids?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
They are six and I have three year old twins.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Holy fucking geez. How old are you?
Speaker 2 (01:18):
I'm twenty eight. I probably sound like a child.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
But yeah, no, you're you're you're if you have three kids,
you're a super You're a total You're an adults. You're
a real adult. That's really cool.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Well, how's being adult, real person?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
You're a super realer? How's being a real adult?
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Fucking awful man? I mean, being parents cool, but being
an adult is fucking awful.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Yeah, why tell me more?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
So, Like a year ago, I had this really bad,
fucking mental breakdown because the real fucked up shit happened
with my family and all that. Ever since then, I
smoke weed and then I just sit there and I'm like, man,
I'm going to die. Everybody that I care about is
going to die, and nothing's going to mean anything.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Really, how often do you do that?
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Almost every time? And all it takes is like a
puff or two of how often.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Do you get high? You said, are you doing it?
You're doing it every day?
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Yeah, most of the time. It used to be NonStop,
but now I'll smoke like a bull a day.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
What were you saying?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
It's just like it's a bad time, but I've been
doing it for so long that like my brain and
my body. You're like, you fucking need this, you piece
of shit?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Can I I'm like genuinely curious because I I've lately
I've been just thinking you have been imagining what my
life would be like if I had to take care
of things that aren't me. And it's like, don't you, like,
with three kids, do you have time to like get high.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Yeah. Yeah, they're good kids. They go to sleep on time.
One of them's in school.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Okay, do you have someone who else? Do you have
a wife? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:10):
I have a girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
I heard a daddy in the background.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Sorry, sorry, I can't right now, I'm talking to the
therapy Gecko exactly.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
They see you occasionally. They know I'm actually being you
for Halloween. And I've had one person. I've had one
person be like, are you supposed to be the therapy
Gecko and like yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Oh yeah, that's sick. That's awesome, man, that's awesome. All right.
So you feel, like you said, you have a mental
breakdown every time you get high, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Pretty much. And I've all stemmed from one really bad
mental breakdown I had like about a year ago.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
What, uh, well, how do you like? Okay? Can I
I'm just curious. I'm curious how your brain works, because
I know what kind I know what like existential dread
feels like like when you're high and you're in the
middle of that dread and you're like, nothing matters. I'm
gonna die, Mike. Everyone I care about is gonna die.
(04:15):
Do you okay? In this moment? Like literally right now
are you sober? Are you high right now?
Speaker 3 (04:20):
Ah?
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Yeah, I'm sober. My kids are awake. I'm not gonna
get high around these little shits.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
In in in uh uh right now, in this current second,
do you feel the way that you felt? Do you
feel that those existential thoughts?
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Do you?
Speaker 4 (04:36):
Like?
Speaker 1 (04:38):
No?
Speaker 2 (04:38):
Not really. It could be because I'm gonna call with
the fucking gek right now, but no, not really.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Okay. It's interesting because when when you let when like
that kind of shit kicks in, or it's almost you
almost think in your head you're like, oh no, this
is my brain forever now, and that's like scary.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah, yeah, that's that's accurate.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
But you know the but that's not true because here
you are, after having once believed fully, truly, genuinely with
your whole soul that nothing mattered you stand uh in
this moment, knowing that to not be true, which I
think is cool.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Yeah, okay, Sorry, I'm trying to wrangle some little shit.
So I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
No, I'm sorry, don't be sorry. I have nothing at
all to remotely be sorry for. What do you what
else is going on in your life?
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Shit, I'm just trying to work, survive you know adult
thing like we brought up before. Hey, my fucking job
work with a bunch of dope ds.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
What's your job?
Speaker 2 (05:55):
I'm a manager, Eddie fucking Applebee's.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
That's cool. Do you do you yell at people a lot?
Do you yell at your staff?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
No, they don't pay me enough to do that.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Mmmm mmmm does your buddy your bosses yell at you?
Speaker 2 (06:14):
No? But that that ship all right?
Speaker 1 (06:18):
So you don't yell. So you don't yell at anyone,
and no one yells at you. Tell me what what?
What is it? What? What? What upsets you the most?
Because you sounded like very upset. I'm curious with the
specific A lot.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Of drug addicts that I have to put up with,
and I get sick of dealing with drug addicts all
the time. Sure, drugs, they're all tweakers. I think there's
one crackhead, but most of them tweakers. But I guess
there's an Applebee's.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
What's a tweak? Is a tweaker is? This is the
concept of a tweaker associated with a specific.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Drug, usually crystal math and fetom.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Have your done maths.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
No, I was prescribed adderall at a very young age,
so it's kind of like, Eh, been there, done that
For the most part, I mean, it's a diet myth So.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
What you're the people who work for you that are
that are drug addicts do does? What do they do
to make your life more difficult?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
Fuck? They don't show up for work, They come to
work tweaken. They bring random strange mythads into work with
them for some fucking reason. That's like yesterday I had
some some scrawny, little, fucking junked out hobo come in
and he's like, hey, it's William here, and then they
(07:41):
disappeared for like fucking twenty minutes, and I'm just like,
what the hell, No I got to do? You're supposed
to be doin when I got my own shits? Okay,
I'm sorry?
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Have you got you? Sorry? Sorry? Have you ever made it?
You ever made any uh? Any you ever made any
good friends or business connections? This way? Like somebody brings
somebody into your restaurate on who's on drugs, and you're like,
you know, I know that you're on a lot of drugs,
but you're actually, uh, you actually seem like a cool guy,
and I want to hang out.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Uh later, I've met a few of them. Actually, when
I got hired on and I wasn't a manager, everybody
who worked there was like somebody who I've known for
a really long time. So it was an enjoyable place
to work at that point.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Okay, all right, so you're you're making you know, sure,
it's probably it's probably not fun when people just bring random,
random people on meth into work, but you know, maybe
you get you guys can have a play date afterwards,
and it's kind of nice.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
What else? What else.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
I've been drinking?
Speaker 1 (08:52):
You've been jerking a lot deeper?
Speaker 2 (08:54):
No drinking a lot drink. I don't have to jerk
it not that often.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Ship Uh what how often are you drinking? What are
you drinking?
Speaker 2 (09:04):
I usually only drink all my days off, but I
stick to beer these days. But there's still like this
guilt that I live with of like, man, I'm drinking
too much even though I drink like four beers a week.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
That's an interesting question. Are you drinking too much? I
guess I guess that's kind of up for you to decide. Well,
you have kids, So if your kids told you that
you were drinking so much that they didn't recognize they
didn't feel like they could recognize you anymore. That's some.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Yeah, anytime I'm doing so, they're like, they're not around.
I'm not a total piece of shit.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
That's cool, that's cool. No, I don't. I don't think
you're a total piece of shit at all. I don't
think you're a total piece of shit.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Thank you. I try. I try my best to be
a good person.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Do you what's up with the kids? Mom?
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Oh? Yeah, we lived together. Things have been uh better now,
I guess than they used to be, which was kind
of the cause of the mental breakdown that I had
a year ago.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
How long have you?
Speaker 3 (10:09):
So?
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Okay? So you all okay? So you, your wife and
your three kids all live in the same house. Yes, okay,
that's pretty good. That's pretty great. And you do you?
And do you? And uh you're white? You sher wife?
Speaker 2 (10:24):
No, she's my girlfriend. I don't think you're going to
get married.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Do you and your girlfriend get along.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Most of the time recently? But like last year around
this time was very bad, in one of the darkest
points in my life. But things are a lot better now.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
How in what ways have they gotten better?
Speaker 2 (10:45):
We don't argue so much. That's a big one. That's
a big one. She finally got a job.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Did you have like a central thing that you would
argue about?
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Shit? No, Oh, she's got a lot of mental shit.
I've got a lot of mental ship. It was it
was rough for a while, but it is. It has
gotten a lot. Bit.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
That's good. What does she do? So you work at
the Applebee's. What does she do?
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Yes? And she works at the college that is in
my town. I live in a fucking college town.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Cool? Very cool?
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Did I did? I ask her already? How long you
two have been together?
Speaker 2 (11:30):
No, we've been together for about four almost five years
something like that.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Four five years. So you have a six year old?
Speaker 3 (11:38):
Right?
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (11:40):
So is that with her?
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Uh? It is my stepchild actually, but I've been raising
her since she was real young, so I just consider
her mind.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Okay, so it's her. So you have.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yes, I have the twin boys.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Ye have the twin boys. And then she has a
child from another uh thing?
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Yeah, and that was a that was a whole ship show.
But we're not going to get into.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
That, okay, A right, sure, sure, and this but this
is this So from the way, it sounds sounds like
you've been raising this kid for uh since she was
like born and she calls you she's a you're like
her dad? Yeah yeah, okay, cool cool cool. Hmhmm. You
(12:25):
sound like you have a pretty nice life.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Yeah, it's it's gotten better and it's gotten better. I've
done a lot of dumb ship, but I'm making up
for it now.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
I feel like, uh so, yeah, tell me more if
you want, ah ship Ah.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
I used to do a lot of acid, and I
think that's a big cause of why I can't smoke
weed anymore, because there what's that ship called HPPD where
you do way too much hallucinogen?
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Yeah yeah yeah, and you have you get like visual
snow Oh yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I think I got a little bit of that, and
that fucks with me from time to time. I don't
do hallucinogens anymore. That god fuck that.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Do you do you do you miss doing acid?
Speaker 2 (13:19):
I miss cocaine mm hmm, but.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
Uh, how long ago? What do you miss about cocaine?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Being high?
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Sou Okay, Well that's cool. Uh yeah, you're.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
You.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
I don't really you know, I don't know you, but
you sound uh like you sound like you're like living
like pretty responsibly and that it took you like a
while to uh get there, and that you're like sacrificing
a lot to be able to.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Yeah, you're pretty you're pretty much on it. I don't
like to, uh think very highly of myself, but yeah,
you're pretty much on it. You're pretty much nailing it
right there.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Yeah, that's that's just armchair therapy. But h I respect that.
I have a lot of respect for that, because you
I'm gonna just keep making assumptions about your life. You
sound like problem. You sound like you overcame a lot
of like your natural conditioning in order to uh achieve
(14:32):
higher life objectives, and I sincerely I have a deep
ah respect for that. So you know, he that.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Means more to me than you could ever know. I'm
a huge fan. I've been watching for a while. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
Is that has that been hard?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Not really? No, Honestly, it came pretty easy. I think
there came a point in my life where it's just like, man,
I need to grow the fuck up.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
Mm hmm mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Do you think do you think you'll you'll be able
to sustain this for the for the future.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Yeah, yeah, that's great, that's awesome.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
Do you have.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Do you have any advice for me?
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Nick Ship? I know you seem depressed a lot. Yesterday
I was in the chat and I was like, are
you depressed, kick, because I think I am too.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Yeah. I think I do. I get depressed pretty often.
I'm just my number one figure out. I'm yeah, but
I'm obsessed with figuring out how to not be and
I'm getting I think I'm getting really close. So I'll
let you know. When I figure out the meaning of life,
I'll try to pass it on to you.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Yeah. I also have an eating problem, like you talk about.
I eat like shit so bad.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Yeah, my kids don't. My kids are always eating real
healthy and then they see me eat some garbage and
they're just like, dad.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Come on, that's good. I like, you know what, That's
the funny thing, because sometimes I think to myself, I'm like,
is having kids? Is there a version of it where
you're like you get to a certain age and you're like,
all right, I fucked up this human being whose body
I currently inhabit. Let me just blank slate and let's
try again with the human being that's not me and
(16:39):
I can we can not fuck this up, you know.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
Yeah, Like I just made them a whole bunch of
pasta with like veggies and stuff in it. And then
they just watched me like six corn dogs to the
face and they're just like, Dad, come on, get your
life right.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
That sounds like a right life to me. Is there
anything else would I say to the to the people
of the computer before we go.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Nick, I love you get I hope my call wasn't boring.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
No, you're you're keep keep keep keep doing your thing. Dog.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
Well, yeah, I hope I make it on the podcast. Actually,
I'm not sure. That's kind of terrifying thought.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
I'm put I'm putting this in the pot. This is
you tell this is the podcast. This is the podcast?
All right?
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Yeah? Later.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
I liked that guy. I don't you know, he clearly
cared about his kids enough to give them food. So
that's I think that's a that's a noble quality to have.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
I have.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
I had a lot of respect for that guy. I
do he you know, he's making it's hard to make
his it's hard to make that life that he's making
work is a life that sounds really hard to make work.
And I have I I have a I have a
lot of respect for that Hello.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
Oh hi, this is too stressful.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Hi. What is what is your name?
Speaker 4 (18:20):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (18:20):
I'm hasty, say that one more time, hasty Hespy?
Speaker 4 (18:26):
Yeah yeah, that was good.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Yeah, what's up, Hesp? How you doing well?
Speaker 4 (18:32):
I'm going fine. I guess a little bit too stressed.
I think my whole body is shaking. So I'm trying
to realize.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Where are you calling from?
Speaker 4 (18:41):
Oh I'm calling from the Netherlands.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Oh, you're calling from the Netherlands. Oh, I've been. I've
been massively, massively dick riding the Netherlands lately. I love,
I love the Netherlands. I'm gonna I'm gonna dick ride
it some more. I love it's walkable, it's got great architecture,
it's got great greenery. It's uh, it's it's awesome. Where
(19:05):
in the Netherlands do you live?
Speaker 4 (19:07):
Well, I live up in the north, so it's a city,
like it's kind of a small city called home again.
And actually I'm a student here, so I've been living
here for like two years.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Now. Cool bro, Are you from there originally?
Speaker 4 (19:24):
Oh? No, I'm from Iran Oh Iran.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Oh cool dude, where where where? Where on around did
you grow up?
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (19:31):
And she does it's kind of like mixed south West.
I want to.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Say, And what you said? You went there for you?
You came to the Netherlands for school. Yeah, well, what
year are you in?
Speaker 4 (19:46):
Well, I remember my second year of bachelors, but I
did three years of bachelors in Iran and then I
dropped out. I did three years of mechanical engineering and
then I moved here to do an.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Jeez, did you just like come by yourself? Did you
know anyone? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (20:07):
By myself, not knowing anyone. It was kind of scary.
It was like, now thinking about it, looking back, I
don't know how the fuck I did that.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
But yeah, that's cool. So what tell me about what
kind of life you've been able to build for yourself
the past couple of years.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
Well, okay, so when I came here, I lived in
a house, I mean in a room. I had fifteen
housemates and I had a room that was like nine
square meters for about like six seven months because it
was the cheapest option I could get. And then luckily
(20:48):
I got like now, I got a studio, which is
kind of better, and I had a really good housemates.
So I'm still in contact with them. We kept in
touch yeah, I have a boyfriend now and oh my god,
my voice is shaking.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Yeah is he is?
Speaker 3 (21:08):
He? Is?
Speaker 2 (21:08):
He?
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Is?
Speaker 1 (21:09):
He a tall, beautiful blonde dutch Man.
Speaker 4 (21:12):
Oh no, no, well he's ethnically from adult and but
he grew up here and he was born here.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
So cool, very cool? Are you?
Speaker 2 (21:27):
So?
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Are you enjoy Are you enjoying life?
Speaker 4 (21:32):
I don't know. I feel like not as much as
I should, Okay, because like I had this opportunity, and
I feel like I'm having like a mid life crisis.
I'm not really mid life. It's like a quarter life crisis.
And yeah, so I was a really depressed and anxious
when I moved here. I got into this really deep
(21:54):
depression and I figured out that it was burnt out.
So now this is a healing process.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
I guess it's good. I'm really I just very selfishly,
I'm really bummed to hear that you're anxious and depressed,
because for me, when I get anxious and depressed, my
one of my like defense mechanisms is like, fuck all this,
I'm just gonna I imagine life in what where I've
moved to a foreign country and abandoned all I ever was,
(22:26):
including you know, anxiety and depression, and in my head,
the Netherlands is one of those places. So in my head,
when you live in the Netherlands, you actually anxiety and
depression just doesn't exist in my you know what I mean.
So hearing that, you hearing that there is a person
in the place where I imagine everything to be amazing
all the time, it is experiencing everything not being amazing
(22:49):
all the time just crushes me, you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (22:52):
I know, I know, But the thing is that I
also thought that I'm going to run away from everything,
like run away from my depression and anxiety and everything
when I leave it all. But then the thing is
that you bring everything with yourself. You know, if you're
the problem, you're going to be the problem everywhere. Yeah,
so you just find like new angles of love life
(23:16):
to be depressed about.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Well that's great.
Speaker 4 (23:21):
Yeah, I'm sorry to push your dream.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Sorry, it had to happen. It had to happen at
some point.
Speaker 4 (23:29):
Yeah. So in Amsterdam by the way.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Oh, you're coming to the Amsterdam Show.
Speaker 4 (23:36):
To be honest, I'm not sure if I can make
it there because it's just like I have to take
the train from here is two hours and I have
to pay for the train. And also it's the same
day as my birthday, so there's going to be some
plans here. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it,
but I'll try my best.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Well, what are you doing for your birthday?
Speaker 4 (24:00):
Yeah, I'm not sure. Usually we just go out for
dinner and I get my birthday presents and stuff.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Well that's I mean, it sounds like you have like
a nice little community out there enough enough that you can,
you know, do a birthday.
Speaker 4 (24:15):
Yeah. Yeah, I have a few friends and a boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
That's good. D So tell me more about your healing.
What are you doing to heal? Well?
Speaker 4 (24:24):
I go to Serpi sometimes twice a week, which is crazy,
I know. And other than that, it's just that I
learned to do sometimes the bare minimum and allow myself to,
you know, to like some days not do shit and
(24:46):
be okay with that. And it was a real difficult
for me. I don't know why, but like I have
an Islam tomorrow and the whole day I was thinking that,
oh I have to get a ten for that example
is out of Oh well, I'm just like trying to
remember that I just need to fucking pass, Like I
(25:09):
do not need to get at ten. So so now
I'm just trying to do bare minimum in my life.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
I resonate with that so deeply, I really do. I
think that there's a weird I know, it's like misconstrued
is laziness, and I've battled with it myself, but I'm
so I so deeply resonate with trying just being like,
let me just do the bare minimum so I don't
(25:37):
go insane. Yeah, I resonate with that a lot. I've
been thinking about that a lot. That's one of the
read If you're watching the video version of this podcast,
you'll notice that I'm not in my normal setup. And
that's honestly because I was like, I don't I feel
like doing it. I feel more comfortable doing this. But
look we're but look I'm we're having an interesting conversation
(26:00):
right now, which to me is that's my version of
passing the test.
Speaker 4 (26:04):
You know what, Okay, that's good. The pressure to be interesting, and.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
I thought so much, you're no, you're being I don't know,
I don't people. I don't care about people being interesting.
I just care about them being themselves, you know. So,
I mean, you are inherently in an interesting, uh situation,
So what's the Well, actually, I wanted to ask you that.
(26:28):
What did I didn't ask you this is was there
a specific thing that you wanted to talk to talk
talk about in this situation, in this phone call. It's
okay if not. There's other stuff too.
Speaker 4 (26:41):
I didn't want to talk about anxiety about the stuff
that that is, Like, I know it's out of my control,
but I'm still anxious about it. Like I keep trying
to tell myself, Yeah, I thought of I can I
do anything about it? But it still affects my life.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Oh yeah, I mean accept I feel like like acceptance
is a It's not like a one time deal as
much as you want it to be. It's a recurring practice.
Speaker 4 (27:16):
So I just have to keep telling myself, I s
out my control and one day it would be fine.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
Oh I can't tell you if one day it will
be fine. I don't have that data. Uh, but I
but I can really, I can only speak from my
personal uh experience with trying to accept that things will
be fine. All I can say is that yet it's
(27:47):
a recurring you have to kind of consistently reinforce to
yourself that you're going to be okay. You know, it's
not just a thing that you decide once and it's
forever there. It's like a it's like changing your fucking
what's like a habit. You have to get into the
habit of positively thinking about things and accepting.
Speaker 4 (28:10):
But like, let me give you an example. Yeah, for example,
let me so, I'm kind of like currently, I'm kind
of worried about like the situation. I don't want to
get like into politics and stuff, but it's just like
the situation that, oh, is it gonna be a war
there or not?
Speaker 3 (28:26):
In it on?
Speaker 4 (28:27):
And like my family lived there, and I'm still getting
money from my family, Like I cannot support myself completely
even when I like to work here, so they send
me money sometimes and they pay for e tuition fees.
And I'm also concerned about the health if something's happened,
(28:49):
if the war starts in Middle East, I don't know. Oh,
And compared to that, sometimes, like the problems that I
have in my daily life, they're feel so insignificant that
I cannot bring myself, like I don't know, I cannot
bring myself to focus on my yam. I don't not
(29:10):
bring my I cannot bring myself to go to work
or do something like that was the main reason that
my depression started, because like there's so many things happening,
like I feel like my life is falling apart, and
I'm just scared trying to I don't know, give my
set about the.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
Water by the way, give me a favorite. Are you
holding your hand over the microphone or anything like that?
You're a tiny bit muffled.
Speaker 4 (29:37):
Oh no, I feel like I'm just like too stressed
that like my voice is shaking and the words are
not no no.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
No, no, no, no no the words. The words are
definitely getting out. Well oh man, Well, first of all,
I'm really really sorry to hear that that's uh that's
going on. I feel like I can't. I don't think
I could realistically sit here and tell you, uh that
(30:03):
the way to deal with your your family being in
a war zone is to, uh, you know, do some
breathing exercises, because I don't I don't know if I
that's the thing, but you say it makes all your
like day day to day life feel more insignificant. Yeah,
(30:27):
Is that a good? Is that like a good thing?
Is that? Does that take the pressure off of things
at all?
Speaker 4 (30:34):
No, not really, because like now I'm like, why would
I take care of myself? Like I don't know even
the smallest like I cannot sometimes get out of bed
because like what am I going to do to fix anything?
Like nothing I do matter.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (30:56):
Yeah, I'm sorry. I feel like that was like too heavy.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
No, No, I don't you know, you know, don't be sorry.
These are I will I'm making the I'm making those
noises because uh, I mean, you're talking about some real
ship and I you're just making me think about the
these things are interesting to think about, hmmar.
Speaker 4 (31:22):
Like because I get anxious about my daily life, like
like I don't know even about the like stupid choices,
you know, Like if I get anxious about it, it
means that it's important to me. At the same time,
I feel like it's not important enough for me to
do anything about it. But why do I get anxious
to it? So it's just like I cannot even tell
(31:44):
what's happening in my brain right now, you know.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Let me actually play with this a little bit because
I've been thinking about this in my own thing. I
also often think, like what's the point of giving a
fuck about my life? Uh, because there's so many things
of control, and because like what's the there's greater there's
there's more important things going on in the in the
(32:07):
like world at large besides just like fucking me, So
why do I matter? And why is my happiness matter?
And what's the Like I've really thought about these things.
I've like talked to fucking chat GPT about these things
and trying to try to figure it out. And I
think I just for me, I can only just speak
from my lived experience. Like for me, I think, like
(32:27):
the when I reach a conclusion about this stuff, I
just go, you know what, it's my fucking life. I'm
gonna care about it. I'm just deciding. I know it's
kind of oversimplification, but it's just a matter of deciding
that you care about your own life and deciding it's
important to you that you be happy, and uh, trying
(32:51):
not to feel like shame in that, uh, because there's
the point. Yeah, I don't think it's a shameful thing
to want to give a fuck about your life, although
I definitely have experienced that, Yes, this is my fucking
life and I care about it, and I'm I'm I
(33:11):
confidently care about it. So I'm trying to again, it's
a it's a recurring mental exercise. But uh, that's just
where it is, what it comes down. I don't know
if I said anything just now, but that's where I lands.
That's where I land.
Speaker 4 (33:29):
It is interesting, like to intentionally of deciding that this
is my life when I'm gonna do something about it.
I don't know if I Yeah, I was like for
a long time, I was in the state that like
I didn't even care enough about myself to decide that
for myself. So I was kind of like, whatever happens happened.
(33:52):
But maybe now I'm in a more I don't know,
I'm in a better place to decide about what.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
I'm is weed legal where you're at. Do they still
have those weed cafes?
Speaker 4 (34:05):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, coffee school.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
That's cool. See in the States, I was just gonna say,
in the States, like weed is legal, but there's no
like coffee shot. Like in Amsterdam, you can buy a
joint and then hang out at the place and smoke it.
But in LA or New York or any or Denver
even it's like you there's no like lounges or like
(34:30):
there there are lounges, but you can't buy weed at
the lounges. If you like buy it a store and
then go into the lounges. Unfortunately, I'm only in Amster.
I'm in Amsterdam for like a day. Like i arrive
there at like a nine am, and I'm jet lagged,
and I'm gonna try to enjoy the city and then
and then I go to sleep, and then I wake
up and I gotta do the show, and then I
gotta get the fuck out of there. So it's a bummer.
(34:52):
I wanted to spend more time there. I wanted to Eventually,
I'll go back when I'm not. It's problem because I'm like,
I'm like working, I'm doing these shows, but I want
to go there to just like spend some time and
hang and look at look at cool, look at cool Amsterdam. Shit.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
Yeah, I've never like stayed at Amsterdam more than like
one or two days.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
But it is cool.
Speaker 4 (35:14):
But dude, I want to tell you this. I worked
at a coffee shop for like a few weeks.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
Oh cool.
Speaker 4 (35:19):
Yeah, it was nice, Like there's a lounge and you
can also buy it there, so it's fun.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
I remember the first time I went to Amsterdam. I
went to one of those coffee shops. Was the coolest
fucking thing ever. And they I just remember them having
like I remember they handed me a menu and on
the menu it was a selection of different milkshakes you
could get, and then a selection of different like joints
you could buy. And I was like twenty and I
(35:47):
was like, this is the coolest place I've ever been
in my entire fucking life.
Speaker 4 (35:51):
Yeah. Anyway, And the sad thing is I don't smoke, so.
Speaker 1 (35:58):
That's good. It's pretty bad for you. What's your name again? Hasty? Well, Hesty,
thanks for sharing all this stuff. And I hope, uh,
I hope you're doing all right.
Speaker 4 (36:10):
Life is kind of crazy for all the advice talking
to you.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Anything else do I say to the people of the
computer before we go?
Speaker 4 (36:18):
H oh no?
Speaker 2 (36:20):
Nothing?
Speaker 1 (36:21):
No, well, I don't think so see you later, dog.
Speaker 4 (36:25):
Okay, have a nice name.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
Do I have any post call thoughts? Uh? Yeah, I
don't know. Have I Have I gotten too serious? I
mean we're kind of past that point. I don't think.
I don't think there's any turning back. Has this show
gotten too serious? Have I gotten too serious? I wonder
that too times Sometimes I wonder if I've like become
too sincere, because I don't think I ever set out
(36:53):
to like do a very sincere thing. But now now
that I've been, now that i've kind of I mean this,
this has been a sincere this, This has had strong
sincere sincerity to it for basically the entire time it's existed.
But now I don't think I could go back. I
(37:14):
used to do, like the comedy that I did before
I did the Gecko was not sincere. It's very like absurdist,
and I don't think I could go back. I think
I would feel like empty. It's weird because I want
to be sincere enough that I feel like like I'm
doing something that matters in some degree, but I don't
(37:36):
want to be too sincere to where I'm like, oh,
I've really gotten myself into something that's not reflective of
who I am or is too intense for me as
a person. And I feel like I've crossed some of
those lines. But uh, but overall, but overall good, overall good.
(37:57):
I like the live shows. Live shows are a little us.
They're a little they have they have sincere moments, but
they balance it out with uh, with diarrhea. But I
don't know whatever. I still like doing this podcast, So
we're gonna. I'm gonna I'm gonna try not to be crazy.
I'm gonna try not to be a crazy person, except
(38:18):
except after phone calls when I go on long fucking
rants like a crazy person, which I'm gonna do now.
I'm gonna keep going on this rant until it's over,
which it's about to be right now.
Speaker 3 (38:31):
Hello, Hello, can you hear me?
Speaker 2 (38:33):
All right?
Speaker 1 (38:34):
I can. What's your name?
Speaker 3 (38:37):
My name's Orlan?
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Orland? What's up Orlon? Have we ever talked before?
Speaker 3 (38:43):
I don't think so?
Speaker 1 (38:46):
Okay, cool man? Well, what what's what's going on with you? Orlon?
Speaker 3 (38:51):
Currently at McDonald.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
You're currently at.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (38:59):
What do you What are you doing that for the night?
Speaker 3 (39:05):
Picking up some trash food for the night?
Speaker 2 (39:07):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (39:08):
What's you have? Any big plans for the night?
Speaker 3 (39:13):
No, just been uh, doing a lot of schoolwork lately.
Thanks you too, doing a lot of school work lately, unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
What what are you in school for?
Speaker 3 (39:25):
Cybersecurity?
Speaker 1 (39:27):
Okay, you're keeping the the Internet safe. That's really It's
a noble thing.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
Yes, is there anything I'm getting the job where I
am like actively defending against hackers.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Oh, that's cool, that's that's that's kind of It's an
interesting it's an interesting thing being on the computer. You know,
it's an interesting thing being on the computer. Is there
anything you wanted to talk about specifically orlan?
Speaker 2 (40:01):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (40:01):
I could use some advice on finding irl friends. I
literally only have virtual friends.
Speaker 1 (40:08):
How old are you?
Speaker 3 (40:10):
I'm twenty six.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
Uh do you go outside? Do you leave the house.
Speaker 3 (40:18):
Other than work?
Speaker 2 (40:19):
No?
Speaker 1 (40:21):
Okay? What do you do when you get off of work?
Speaker 2 (40:26):
School?
Speaker 3 (40:27):
Or video games? I do stream on Twitch myself.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
Well what city do you live in?
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Blint?
Speaker 1 (40:40):
Flint in Michigan.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (40:43):
How is there? Is there happenings in Flint? Are there
things you can go to and do or organize?
Speaker 3 (40:50):
Well, that's the thing. I'm not even from Michigan. I've
just moved here a couple of years ago from after
dating a girl online, not over Facebook for six months. Well,
I mean we talked for like a month and then
she came down from Michigan to Columbus, Ohio like every
other week at and I saw the commitment. So I
(41:11):
pulled the trigger and yeah this I've been here two
and a half years.
Speaker 1 (41:20):
Do you know anyone at influence.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
Nope, just my girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
Okay, Well, why don't you go do whyn't you leave
your house man and go do stuff?
Speaker 3 (41:32):
I mean, like sometimes like I have a cool neighbor
I talk to and like we smoke sometimes together. But like,
I don't know, like I clam up and I feel
like a lot of the awkward pauses that are being
taken in the conversation are like due to my lack
(41:52):
of input, and I don't really like I feel like
I lose the interests of other people.
Speaker 1 (41:58):
You feel like you lose the interest of other people interesting? Well,
how do you feel like you could be better in
social interactions?
Speaker 3 (42:10):
I mean, I don't know if I have like aspergers
or something. Like I'm starting to believe I do have
autisms because there are specific things I focus on. I
don't really like loud noises, like like sudden loud noises
kind of make me upset. And I don't know, I
(42:31):
feel like I don't really read people that well, and
my go to is claming up, thinking that I'm not
doing enough to be interesting to the other person. Like
I was hanging out with my neighbor the other day
and the only thing I was talking about was like
obs and stuff like that, and I felt like.
Speaker 1 (42:51):
Let me, let me, let me, you know, let me
get Let me ask you a question. Are you interested
in your neighbor? Do you find your neighbor interesting?
Speaker 3 (43:02):
I mean, yeah, kind of looks cool, he's got cool,
he's uh, he's got a really cool muscle car.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
Okay, do you let me tell you? Let me let me.
Here's the thing about social interactions. Is there really less
about proving if you just the onus of proving yourself
to be interesting to other people is not is not
a good way to go about your conversational life.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
You know.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
The best way for you to have social interactions is
to just be is actually the complete opposite. It's to
just be interested in other people. Now, I don't know
if you're naturally are interested in other people. I assume
because you want friends and you want to be around
people more often, that you are naturally in other people.
(43:53):
So so so so, so, what I would recommend is
that you just start kind of approaching these situations thinking
like less about yourself and how you might be coming off,
and about how you know you might be doing something
(44:16):
weird or something like that, and and start thinking more
about just like really trying to dive into the whatever
natural curiosity you have about the people around you and
the people you're talking to.
Speaker 3 (44:30):
So first be interested and then second fall into natural flow.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
Yeah, man, I don't think. I don't think a good
conversation is about proving that you're cool.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
I understand where that's where that comes from, and I
understand why that is something that uh plugues can plug
can plug your brain. And I've definitely had it interactions
where I felt that way, and maybe there is a
little bit of that in there, sure, but like at
least eighty percent of it is just being naturally curious
(45:11):
and interested in other people and kind of things I
think flow flow through that.
Speaker 3 (45:18):
So let me tell you this, what things should I
be like looking at to be interested in somebody? Because
like I was trying to say, was that I mean,
I am lonely to the extent of not having friends,
but I don't know how to be interested in other
people really. I mean, like I have interest like video
(45:40):
games and stuff like that. So I guess if we
talk about common things, but I don't know this person,
how do they know what's common? And then I just
feel like I'm ewing out word vomit.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
Well, I mean you don't know this person, how I
know if it's common. I mean you get to know
people by asking them questions and showing an interest in
they're a lot lives. True, But and it's Okay, here's
the thing, and I like the question of well, it
should come from an authentic place. I mean, do you
have are you do you? Are you interested in other
(46:13):
people in their lives?
Speaker 3 (46:17):
I mean some people, but very specific people. Okay, I
guess that is kind of selfish. It's coming from a
selfish No, I.
Speaker 1 (46:27):
Never I never said it was selfish. I don't think
it's selfish, and I don't think you should think it's
selfish either. That I'm just trying to kind of, I guess,
tap into whatever is authentic about your your brain and
your interactions with other people.
Speaker 3 (46:43):
Yeah, I mean like I mean even like playing video
games online. Like I have a hard time continuing the
conversation beyond video games.
Speaker 1 (46:54):
But I want you want Okay, great, you want to.
That's a that's a genuine, authentic desire of yours is
to continue the conversation beyond video games. What how do
you want to continue the conversation beyond video games. What
do you want to You said you want to continue
your conversations beyond video games? What do you Where do
(47:16):
you want to go?
Speaker 3 (47:18):
I mean a go to would be like asking them
where they're from.
Speaker 1 (47:23):
Cool, But like.
Speaker 3 (47:28):
I don't know, maybe I don't know, but.
Speaker 1 (47:34):
You've identified, but you've identified a natural desire that you
want to take your conversations that you're having with somebody
about something like video games, and you you have a
genuine desire to take it further.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (47:46):
Yeah, so just follow.
Speaker 1 (47:48):
I I really I mean it. I think you should
just follow wherever that genuine desire takes you. Does that
make sense? Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (47:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (47:58):
Okay, great, I'm happy it does because I really I
really feel that way. So yeah, and just like, yeah,
don't don't freak out about whether or not you're presenting
yourself as the coolest guy in the world. Okay, I mean, you.
Speaker 3 (48:21):
Know, I always want to brag about myself, I guess
because I mean I do cool things. But like, I
was a chef for a while, I worked for a
master chef. Mm hm.
Speaker 1 (48:33):
M hmm.
Speaker 3 (48:34):
But I feel like that's like very selfish of me
talking about myself like that.
Speaker 1 (48:38):
I wouldn't The way you're saying it's selfish is making
it out like you're like there's something like negative or
evil about you, which isn't is it was isn't true.
You know, I don't know why I said evil. Evil
seems like a staunch word, but it just I didn't
like that you were saying that it was selfish because
I didn't think it was. You have a genuine desire.
(49:01):
You want to get to know people on a deeper level,
is what you're expressing. Yeah, so, uh just really, I mean,
I really mean, like, tap into that desire and see
what it leads you to find. I guess, I guess
I guess if I were to say anything to you
to kind of wrap like this conversation is like it
(49:23):
sounds like you're when you're going into these social interactions,
you're tapping into a You're tapping more into fear. You're
tapping into fear of whether or not this person likes you,
tapping into fear that you're not interesting enough, or that
you're selfish, or that you're this and that, and you're
you're kind of going into these desires. You're kind of
going into these conversations from that place, right and I
(49:49):
would just flip it, and I would flip it and
I would identify that you have a genuine desire to
get to know people and to have deeper connections with
people and approach it from that desire. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (50:05):
Absolutely? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (50:07):
Could I ask you maybe one more question if you
don't mind.
Speaker 1 (50:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (50:12):
So I often try to engage with other people on Twitch,
other streamers.
Speaker 2 (50:16):
And stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (50:18):
Mm. But then I find myself feeling like I'm like,
I don't know, like being a nuisance on their stream
by typing and being like one of the top chatters
typing like everything.
Speaker 2 (50:31):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (50:32):
Mm hmm. Do you think that's that's the same scenarios.
I'm just like, I'm coming from a place that isn't
the best mind space.
Speaker 1 (50:42):
Well, with streamers, it's weird because it's a really one
sided interaction.
Speaker 3 (50:49):
Yeah, I mean they don't They're not like expressively saying
that I'm being a nuisance other than joking with me.
Speaker 1 (50:55):
But I mean, do you get well again, it's a
really one sided around. I mean, to be totally honest
with you, every time I read, even if it's on
my own thing, anytime, I'm like like I'm looking at
I look at Instagram or YouTube or whatever, and you
see comments. I'm always like, who are these people? Who
are these people who are like talking? I know everyone
in my comments section is now going to reference me
(51:17):
saying this, But I'm like, who are these people talking?
In the internet comments? I don't know. I don't know
what's going on in the brain when it's leaving a
comment on a thing. I mean, I appreciate it. I
for my own shit. I like hearing the feedback. I
read the comments and stuff. But that's a diff that's
really I wouldn't what you're talking about is not in
(51:40):
the field of social interaction. I don't think. But I
don't know. What do you want? Like when you're when
you're well, I guess I'll I'll just ask you, like,
when you're chatting a lot in someone's stream, what are
you hoping to get out of that?
Speaker 3 (51:56):
Just interaction? Really? I mean, I'm not looking for followers
or anything like, I just trying to create, like be
a part of their community.
Speaker 1 (52:06):
Really, you're trying to interact with the other chatters.
Speaker 3 (52:12):
Well, rarely do I interact with the other chat It's
more I'm making comments and they're reading it. Type shit
and then like I don't, like, I feel like I'm
I am disconnected with chat often.
Speaker 1 (52:30):
I feel what was the initial thing that you want
that you were asking about this or reason why you
wanted to bring this up or talk about it? Man? Yeah,
not having like.
Speaker 3 (52:40):
The best tools to have friends and stuff like that.
I mean, like I happen to discord and I have
I talk to other people that are that stream, that
are in the community and stuff. But like, I mean,
I don't really know, like what do I even how
(53:03):
do I even call out somebody else in the chat
and then start trying to make a connection with them.
Speaker 1 (53:12):
Well, what do you want? Man? Do you want? Do
you want to be around more people in real life
or in in flint or do you want to have
online buddies? Like what would your ideal scenario be?
Speaker 2 (53:26):
More friends?
Speaker 3 (53:27):
Probably not relying on having one friend that I play
games with.
Speaker 1 (53:32):
M I mean, I think the twitch discords a little
different from if you're in the ears of the If
you're like on Twitch talking to a twitch streamer trying
to like get their attention for like a form of
genuine connection, I don't think that's a good idea. But
if you're in like, but you could go to the
(53:53):
discord channel of a Twitch streamer and start talking to
the people in the who are also watch the streamer
and maybe, you know, get some interaction like that. But again,
I would.
Speaker 3 (54:06):
Really trying to tag somebody in chat and make a
conversation midst.
Speaker 1 (54:12):
Yeah, but dude, really, I don't know what. I don't
know what the landscape of Flint, Michigan looks like these days.
But if you can do, do your best to try
to get out of the house and meet some folks
in real life.
Speaker 3 (54:23):
All right, all right, I appreciate the advice.
Speaker 1 (54:25):
Man, Yeah, of course. Man. Well, thanks, thanks for sharing
all this stuff with me and uh trusting me to
fucking talk about it. Thank you. Sorry, I'm sorry I
talked over you. I'm sorry I talked over you earlier,
but I was there was a second where I was like,
I just need to get this thought out and I
(54:47):
need to talk over you to do it. So thanks
for bearing with me.
Speaker 3 (54:51):
No, no, thank you, I appreciate everything.
Speaker 1 (54:54):
Is there anything else you wus say to the people
of the computer before we go?
Speaker 3 (55:02):
I love this community, Bill, and I hope you never
stop doing what you do.
Speaker 1 (55:05):
Gack, Thank you. Brother, I appreciate it. You enjoy enjoy
your McDonald's.
Speaker 2 (55:10):
I will.
Speaker 3 (55:11):
I will shove it down my throat. Thank you. Think
I did a good night bye?
Speaker 1 (55:18):
You know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't
I don't get you. I don't get comments. Every time
I see comments, I get I read. I read my
YouTube comments. Part of me thinks I shouldn't because it's
like obsessive, I guess, to just sit there and read
stuff about yourself. Uh, But I don't. But I like,
(55:43):
but I do with I work a lot on making
these podcasts, and so I want to I want to
know what people think about them. I have these conversations
like like I want, like, I'm gonna read the comments
because I want to know what the people in the
comments have to say about people in the comments. I
think that's fair. I think it's fair for me to
want to read the comments about my work. I think
(56:07):
it's a bad idea to try to like gain a
sense of self esteem from them. But I think it's
natural to be curious about them. I don't know. I
don't know why anyone does anything, really goes on the line,
taking your phone calls every night, the rep goes to
(56:29):
his d he's teaching you Cloud in the Memorial Life,
but he's not really an expert.
Hello.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Oh, my fucking god.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
What's your name? Lad?
Speaker 2 (00:05):
My name is Nick.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Nick. What's up, Nick? How you doing, buddy?
Speaker 3 (00:11):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
I'm not ship. How's it going?
Speaker 1 (00:15):
I'm actually feeling pretty uh okay right now? I'm excited
to talk to you. What's up?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Yeah, I'm excited to talk to you. Fuck I don't know.
I'm nervous as hell now, God damn it.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Have have we ever talked before? Nick?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
No?
Speaker 1 (00:34):
All right? Cool? Where who are you? You have a
bombastic personality?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Well thank you. I don't think anybody's ever said that
to me before.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Who who are you?
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I'm a guy? Sure are I'm a guy that does things?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Sure are what kind of hell?
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Yeah? Uh? Well, hotly, just hang out with my kids work.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
You know, how old are your kids?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
They are six and I have three year old twins.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Holy fucking geez. How old are you?
Speaker 2 (01:18):
I'm twenty eight. I probably sound like a child.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
But yeah, no, you're you're you're if you have three kids,
you're a super You're a total You're an adults. You're
a real adult. That's really cool.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Well, how's being adult, real person?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
You're a super realer? How's being a real adult?
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Fucking awful man? I mean, being parents cool, but being
an adult is fucking awful.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Yeah, why tell me more?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
So, Like a year ago, I had this really bad,
fucking mental breakdown because the real fucked up shit happened
with my family and all that. Ever since then, I
smoke weed and then I just sit there and I'm like, man,
I'm going to die. Everybody that I care about is
going to die, and nothing's going to mean anything.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Really, how often do you do that?
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Almost every time? And all it takes is like a
puff or two of how often.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Do you get high? You said, are you doing it?
You're doing it every day?
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Yeah, most of the time. It used to be NonStop,
but now I'll smoke like a bull a day.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
What were you saying?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
It's just like it's a bad time, but I've been
doing it for so long that like my brain and
my body. You're like, you fucking need this, you piece
of shit?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Can I I'm like genuinely curious because I I've lately
I've been just thinking you have been imagining what my
life would be like if I had to take care
of things that aren't me. And it's like, don't you, like,
with three kids, do you have time to like get high.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Yeah. Yeah, they're good kids. They go to sleep on time.
One of them's in school.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Okay, do you have someone who else? Do you have
a wife? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:10):
I have a girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
I heard a daddy in the background.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Sorry, sorry, I can't right now, I'm talking to the
therapy Gecko exactly.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
They see you occasionally. They know I'm actually being you
for Halloween. And I've had one person. I've had one
person be like, are you supposed to be the therapy
Gecko and like yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Oh yeah, that's sick. That's awesome, man, that's awesome. All right.
So you feel, like you said, you have a mental
breakdown every time you get high, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Pretty much. And I've all stemmed from one really bad
mental breakdown I had like about a year ago.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
What, uh, well, how do you like? Okay? Can I
I'm just curious. I'm curious how your brain works, because
I know what kind I know what like existential dread
feels like like when you're high and you're in the
middle of that dread and you're like, nothing matters. I'm
gonna die, Mike. Everyone I care about is gonna die.
(04:15):
Do you okay? In this moment? Like literally right now
are you sober? Are you high right now?
Speaker 3 (04:20):
Ah?
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Yeah, I'm sober. My kids are awake. I'm not gonna
get high around these little shits.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
In in in uh uh right now, in this current second,
do you feel the way that you felt? Do you
feel that those existential thoughts?
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Do you?
Speaker 4 (04:36):
Like?
Speaker 1 (04:38):
No?
Speaker 2 (04:38):
Not really. It could be because I'm gonna call with
the fucking gek right now, but no, not really.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Okay. It's interesting because when when you let when like
that kind of shit kicks in, or it's almost you
almost think in your head you're like, oh no, this
is my brain forever now, and that's like scary.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah, yeah, that's that's accurate.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
But you know the but that's not true because here
you are, after having once believed fully, truly, genuinely with
your whole soul that nothing mattered you stand uh in
this moment, knowing that to not be true, which I
think is cool.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Yeah, okay, Sorry, I'm trying to wrangle some little shit.
So I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
No, I'm sorry, don't be sorry. I have nothing at
all to remotely be sorry for. What do you what
else is going on in your life?
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Shit, I'm just trying to work, survive you know adult
thing like we brought up before. Hey, my fucking job
work with a bunch of dope ds.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
What's your job?
Speaker 2 (05:55):
I'm a manager, Eddie fucking Applebee's.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
That's cool. Do you do you yell at people a lot?
Do you yell at your staff?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
No, they don't pay me enough to do that.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Mmmm mmmm does your buddy your bosses yell at you?
Speaker 2 (06:14):
No? But that that ship all right?
Speaker 1 (06:18):
So you don't yell. So you don't yell at anyone,
and no one yells at you. Tell me what what?
What is it? What? What? What upsets you the most?
Because you sounded like very upset. I'm curious with the
specific A lot.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Of drug addicts that I have to put up with,
and I get sick of dealing with drug addicts all
the time. Sure, drugs, they're all tweakers. I think there's
one crackhead, but most of them tweakers. But I guess
there's an Applebee's.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
What's a tweak? Is a tweaker is? This is the
concept of a tweaker associated with a specific.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Drug, usually crystal math and fetom.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Have your done maths.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
No, I was prescribed adderall at a very young age,
so it's kind of like, Eh, been there, done that
For the most part, I mean, it's a diet myth So.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
What you're the people who work for you that are
that are drug addicts do does? What do they do
to make your life more difficult?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
Fuck? They don't show up for work, They come to
work tweaken. They bring random strange mythads into work with
them for some fucking reason. That's like yesterday I had
some some scrawny, little, fucking junked out hobo come in
and he's like, hey, it's William here, and then they
(07:41):
disappeared for like fucking twenty minutes, and I'm just like,
what the hell, No I got to do? You're supposed
to be doin when I got my own shits? Okay,
I'm sorry?
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Have you got you? Sorry? Sorry? Have you ever made it?
You ever made any uh? Any you ever made any
good friends or business connections? This way? Like somebody brings
somebody into your restaurate on who's on drugs, and you're like,
you know, I know that you're on a lot of drugs,
but you're actually, uh, you actually seem like a cool guy,
and I want to hang out.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Uh later, I've met a few of them. Actually, when
I got hired on and I wasn't a manager, everybody
who worked there was like somebody who I've known for
a really long time. So it was an enjoyable place
to work at that point.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Okay, all right, so you're you're making you know, sure,
it's probably it's probably not fun when people just bring random,
random people on meth into work, but you know, maybe
you get you guys can have a play date afterwards,
and it's kind of nice.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
What else? What else.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
I've been drinking?
Speaker 1 (08:52):
You've been jerking a lot deeper?
Speaker 2 (08:54):
No drinking a lot drink. I don't have to jerk
it not that often.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Ship Uh what how often are you drinking? What are
you drinking?
Speaker 2 (09:04):
I usually only drink all my days off, but I
stick to beer these days. But there's still like this
guilt that I live with of like, man, I'm drinking
too much even though I drink like four beers a week.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
That's an interesting question. Are you drinking too much? I
guess I guess that's kind of up for you to decide. Well,
you have kids, So if your kids told you that
you were drinking so much that they didn't recognize they
didn't feel like they could recognize you anymore. That's some.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Yeah, anytime I'm doing so, they're like, they're not around.
I'm not a total piece of shit.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
That's cool, that's cool. No, I don't. I don't think
you're a total piece of shit at all. I don't
think you're a total piece of shit.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Thank you. I try. I try my best to be
a good person.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Do you what's up with the kids? Mom?
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Oh? Yeah, we lived together. Things have been uh better now,
I guess than they used to be, which was kind
of the cause of the mental breakdown that I had
a year ago.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
How long have you?
Speaker 3 (10:09):
So?
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Okay? So you all okay? So you, your wife and
your three kids all live in the same house. Yes, okay,
that's pretty good. That's pretty great. And you do you?
And do you? And uh you're white? You sher wife?
Speaker 2 (10:24):
No, she's my girlfriend. I don't think you're going to
get married.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Do you and your girlfriend get along.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Most of the time recently? But like last year around
this time was very bad, in one of the darkest
points in my life. But things are a lot better now.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
How in what ways have they gotten better?
Speaker 2 (10:45):
We don't argue so much. That's a big one. That's
a big one. She finally got a job.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Did you have like a central thing that you would
argue about?
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Shit? No, Oh, she's got a lot of mental shit.
I've got a lot of mental ship. It was it
was rough for a while, but it is. It has
gotten a lot. Bit.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
That's good. What does she do? So you work at
the Applebee's. What does she do?
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Yes? And she works at the college that is in
my town. I live in a fucking college town.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Cool? Very cool?
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
Did I did? I ask her already? How long you
two have been together?
Speaker 2 (11:30):
No, we've been together for about four almost five years
something like that.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Four five years. So you have a six year old?
Speaker 3 (11:38):
Right?
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (11:40):
So is that with her?
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Uh? It is my stepchild actually, but I've been raising
her since she was real young, so I just consider
her mind.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Okay, so it's her. So you have.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yes, I have the twin boys.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Ye have the twin boys. And then she has a
child from another uh thing?
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Yeah, and that was a that was a whole ship show.
But we're not going to get into.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
That, okay, A right, sure, sure, and this but this
is this So from the way, it sounds sounds like
you've been raising this kid for uh since she was
like born and she calls you she's a you're like
her dad? Yeah yeah, okay, cool cool cool. Hmhmm. You
(12:25):
sound like you have a pretty nice life.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Yeah, it's it's gotten better and it's gotten better. I've
done a lot of dumb ship, but I'm making up
for it now.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
I feel like, uh so, yeah, tell me more if
you want, ah ship Ah.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
I used to do a lot of acid, and I
think that's a big cause of why I can't smoke
weed anymore, because there what's that ship called HPPD where
you do way too much hallucinogen?
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Yeah yeah yeah, and you have you get like visual
snow Oh yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I think I got a little bit of that, and
that fucks with me from time to time. I don't
do hallucinogens anymore. That god fuck that.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Do you do you do you miss doing acid?
Speaker 2 (13:19):
I miss cocaine mm hmm, but.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
Uh, how long ago? What do you miss about cocaine?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Being high?
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Sou Okay, Well that's cool. Uh yeah, you're.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
You.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
I don't really you know, I don't know you, but
you sound uh like you sound like you're like living
like pretty responsibly and that it took you like a
while to uh get there, and that you're like sacrificing
a lot to be able to.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Yeah, you're pretty you're pretty much on it. I don't
like to, uh think very highly of myself, but yeah,
you're pretty much on it. You're pretty much nailing it
right there.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Yeah, that's that's just armchair therapy. But h I respect that.
I have a lot of respect for that, because you
I'm gonna just keep making assumptions about your life. You
sound like problem. You sound like you overcame a lot
of like your natural conditioning in order to uh achieve
(14:32):
higher life objectives, and I sincerely I have a deep
ah respect for that. So you know, he that.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Means more to me than you could ever know. I'm
a huge fan. I've been watching for a while. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
Is that has that been hard?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Not really? No, Honestly, it came pretty easy. I think
there came a point in my life where it's just like, man,
I need to grow the fuck up.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
Mm hmm mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Do you think do you think you'll you'll be able
to sustain this for the for the future.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Yeah, yeah, that's great, that's awesome.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
Do you have.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Do you have any advice for me?
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Nick Ship? I know you seem depressed a lot. Yesterday
I was in the chat and I was like, are
you depressed, kick, because I think I am too.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Yeah. I think I do. I get depressed pretty often.
I'm just my number one figure out. I'm yeah, but
I'm obsessed with figuring out how to not be and
I'm getting I think I'm getting really close. So I'll
let you know. When I figure out the meaning of life,
I'll try to pass it on to you.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Yeah. I also have an eating problem, like you talk about.
I eat like shit so bad.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Yeah, my kids don't. My kids are always eating real
healthy and then they see me eat some garbage and
they're just like, dad.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Come on, that's good. I like, you know what, That's
the funny thing, because sometimes I think to myself, I'm like,
is having kids? Is there a version of it where
you're like you get to a certain age and you're like,
all right, I fucked up this human being whose body
I currently inhabit. Let me just blank slate and let's
try again with the human being that's not me and
(16:39):
I can we can not fuck this up, you know.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
Yeah, Like I just made them a whole bunch of
pasta with like veggies and stuff in it. And then
they just watched me like six corn dogs to the
face and they're just like, Dad, come on, get your
life right.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
That sounds like a right life to me. Is there
anything else would I say to the to the people
of the computer before we go.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Nick, I love you get I hope my call wasn't boring.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
No, you're you're keep keep keep keep doing your thing. Dog.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
Well, yeah, I hope I make it on the podcast. Actually,
I'm not sure. That's kind of terrifying thought.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
I'm put I'm putting this in the pot. This is
you tell this is the podcast. This is the podcast?
All right?
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Yeah? Later.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
I liked that guy. I don't you know, he clearly
cared about his kids enough to give them food. So
that's I think that's a that's a noble quality to have.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
I have.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
I had a lot of respect for that guy. I
do he you know, he's making it's hard to make
his it's hard to make that life that he's making
work is a life that sounds really hard to make work.
And I have I I have a I have a
lot of respect for that Hello.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
Oh hi, this is too stressful.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Hi. What is what is your name?
Speaker 4 (18:20):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (18:20):
I'm hasty, say that one more time, hasty Hespy?
Speaker 4 (18:26):
Yeah yeah, that was good.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Yeah, what's up, Hesp? How you doing well?
Speaker 4 (18:32):
I'm going fine. I guess a little bit too stressed.
I think my whole body is shaking. So I'm trying
to realize.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Where are you calling from?
Speaker 4 (18:41):
Oh I'm calling from the Netherlands.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Oh, you're calling from the Netherlands. Oh, I've been. I've
been massively, massively dick riding the Netherlands lately. I love,
I love the Netherlands. I'm gonna I'm gonna dick ride
it some more. I love it's walkable, it's got great architecture,
it's got great greenery. It's uh, it's it's awesome. Where
(19:05):
in the Netherlands do you live?
Speaker 4 (19:07):
Well, I live up in the north, so it's a city,
like it's kind of a small city called home again.
And actually I'm a student here, so I've been living
here for like two years.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Now. Cool bro, Are you from there originally?
Speaker 4 (19:24):
Oh? No, I'm from Iran Oh Iran.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Oh cool dude, where where where? Where on around did
you grow up?
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (19:31):
And she does it's kind of like mixed south West.
I want to.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Say, And what you said? You went there for you?
You came to the Netherlands for school. Yeah, well, what
year are you in?
Speaker 4 (19:46):
Well, I remember my second year of bachelors, but I
did three years of bachelors in Iran and then I
dropped out. I did three years of mechanical engineering and
then I moved here to do an.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Jeez, did you just like come by yourself? Did you
know anyone? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (20:07):
By myself, not knowing anyone. It was kind of scary.
It was like, now thinking about it, looking back, I
don't know how the fuck I did that.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
But yeah, that's cool. So what tell me about what
kind of life you've been able to build for yourself
the past couple of years.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
Well, okay, so when I came here, I lived in
a house, I mean in a room. I had fifteen
housemates and I had a room that was like nine
square meters for about like six seven months because it
was the cheapest option I could get. And then luckily
(20:48):
I got like now, I got a studio, which is
kind of better, and I had a really good housemates.
So I'm still in contact with them. We kept in
touch yeah, I have a boyfriend now and oh my god,
my voice is shaking.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Yeah is he is?
Speaker 3 (21:08):
He? Is?
Speaker 2 (21:08):
He?
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Is?
Speaker 1 (21:09):
He a tall, beautiful blonde dutch Man.
Speaker 4 (21:12):
Oh no, no, well he's ethnically from adult and but
he grew up here and he was born here.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
So cool, very cool? Are you?
Speaker 2 (21:27):
So?
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Are you enjoy Are you enjoying life?
Speaker 4 (21:32):
I don't know. I feel like not as much as
I should, Okay, because like I had this opportunity, and
I feel like I'm having like a mid life crisis.
I'm not really mid life. It's like a quarter life crisis.
And yeah, so I was a really depressed and anxious
when I moved here. I got into this really deep
(21:54):
depression and I figured out that it was burnt out.
So now this is a healing process.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
I guess it's good. I'm really I just very selfishly,
I'm really bummed to hear that you're anxious and depressed,
because for me, when I get anxious and depressed, my
one of my like defense mechanisms is like, fuck all this,
I'm just gonna I imagine life in what where I've
moved to a foreign country and abandoned all I ever was,
(22:26):
including you know, anxiety and depression, and in my head,
the Netherlands is one of those places. So in my head,
when you live in the Netherlands, you actually anxiety and
depression just doesn't exist in my you know what I mean.
So hearing that, you hearing that there is a person
in the place where I imagine everything to be amazing
all the time, it is experiencing everything not being amazing
(22:49):
all the time just crushes me, you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (22:52):
I know, I know, But the thing is that I
also thought that I'm going to run away from everything,
like run away from my depression and anxiety and everything
when I leave it all. But then the thing is
that you bring everything with yourself. You know, if you're
the problem, you're going to be the problem everywhere. Yeah,
so you just find like new angles of love life
(23:16):
to be depressed about.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Well that's great.
Speaker 4 (23:21):
Yeah, I'm sorry to push your dream.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Sorry, it had to happen. It had to happen at
some point.
Speaker 4 (23:29):
Yeah. So in Amsterdam by the way.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Oh, you're coming to the Amsterdam Show.
Speaker 4 (23:36):
To be honest, I'm not sure if I can make
it there because it's just like I have to take
the train from here is two hours and I have
to pay for the train. And also it's the same
day as my birthday, so there's going to be some
plans here. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it,
but I'll try my best.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Well, what are you doing for your birthday?
Speaker 4 (24:00):
Yeah, I'm not sure. Usually we just go out for
dinner and I get my birthday presents and stuff.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Well that's I mean, it sounds like you have like
a nice little community out there enough enough that you can,
you know, do a birthday.
Speaker 4 (24:15):
Yeah. Yeah, I have a few friends and a boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
That's good. D So tell me more about your healing.
What are you doing to heal? Well?
Speaker 4 (24:24):
I go to Serpi sometimes twice a week, which is crazy,
I know. And other than that, it's just that I
learned to do sometimes the bare minimum and allow myself to,
you know, to like some days not do shit and
(24:46):
be okay with that. And it was a real difficult
for me. I don't know why, but like I have
an Islam tomorrow and the whole day I was thinking that,
oh I have to get a ten for that example
is out of Oh well, I'm just like trying to
remember that I just need to fucking pass, Like I
(25:09):
do not need to get at ten. So so now
I'm just trying to do bare minimum in my life.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
I resonate with that so deeply, I really do. I
think that there's a weird I know, it's like misconstrued
is laziness, and I've battled with it myself, but I'm
so I so deeply resonate with trying just being like,
let me just do the bare minimum so I don't
(25:37):
go insane. Yeah, I resonate with that a lot. I've
been thinking about that a lot. That's one of the
read If you're watching the video version of this podcast,
you'll notice that I'm not in my normal setup. And
that's honestly because I was like, I don't I feel
like doing it. I feel more comfortable doing this. But
look we're but look I'm we're having an interesting conversation
(26:00):
right now, which to me is that's my version of
passing the test.
Speaker 4 (26:04):
You know what, Okay, that's good. The pressure to be interesting, and.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
I thought so much, you're no, you're being I don't know,
I don't people. I don't care about people being interesting.
I just care about them being themselves, you know. So,
I mean, you are inherently in an interesting, uh situation,
So what's the Well, actually, I wanted to ask you that.
(26:28):
What did I didn't ask you this is was there
a specific thing that you wanted to talk to talk
talk about in this situation, in this phone call. It's
okay if not. There's other stuff too.
Speaker 4 (26:41):
I didn't want to talk about anxiety about the stuff
that that is, Like, I know it's out of my control,
but I'm still anxious about it. Like I keep trying
to tell myself, Yeah, I thought of I can I
do anything about it? But it still affects my life.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Oh yeah, I mean accept I feel like like acceptance
is a It's not like a one time deal as
much as you want it to be. It's a recurring practice.
Speaker 4 (27:16):
So I just have to keep telling myself, I s
out my control and one day it would be fine.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
Oh I can't tell you if one day it will
be fine. I don't have that data. Uh, but I
but I can really, I can only speak from my
personal uh experience with trying to accept that things will
be fine. All I can say is that yet it's
(27:47):
a recurring you have to kind of consistently reinforce to
yourself that you're going to be okay. You know, it's
not just a thing that you decide once and it's
forever there. It's like a it's like changing your fucking
what's like a habit. You have to get into the
habit of positively thinking about things and accepting.
Speaker 4 (28:10):
But like, let me give you an example. Yeah, for example,
let me so, I'm kind of like currently, I'm kind
of worried about like the situation. I don't want to
get like into politics and stuff, but it's just like
the situation that, oh, is it gonna be a war
there or not?
Speaker 3 (28:26):
In it on?
Speaker 4 (28:27):
And like my family lived there, and I'm still getting
money from my family, Like I cannot support myself completely
even when I like to work here, so they send
me money sometimes and they pay for e tuition fees.
And I'm also concerned about the health if something's happened,
(28:49):
if the war starts in Middle East, I don't know. Oh,
And compared to that, sometimes, like the problems that I
have in my daily life, they're feel so insignificant that
I cannot bring myself, like I don't know, I cannot
bring myself to focus on my yam. I don't not
(29:10):
bring my I cannot bring myself to go to work
or do something like that was the main reason that
my depression started, because like there's so many things happening,
like I feel like my life is falling apart, and
I'm just scared trying to I don't know, give my
set about the.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
Water by the way, give me a favorite. Are you
holding your hand over the microphone or anything like that?
You're a tiny bit muffled.
Speaker 4 (29:37):
Oh no, I feel like I'm just like too stressed
that like my voice is shaking and the words are
not no no.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
No, no, no, no no the words. The words are
definitely getting out. Well oh man, Well, first of all,
I'm really really sorry to hear that that's uh that's
going on. I feel like I can't. I don't think
I could realistically sit here and tell you, uh that
(30:03):
the way to deal with your your family being in
a war zone is to, uh, you know, do some
breathing exercises, because I don't I don't know if I
that's the thing, but you say it makes all your
like day day to day life feel more insignificant. Yeah,
(30:27):
Is that a good? Is that like a good thing?
Is that? Does that take the pressure off of things
at all?
Speaker 4 (30:34):
No, not really, because like now I'm like, why would
I take care of myself? Like I don't know even
the smallest like I cannot sometimes get out of bed
because like what am I going to do to fix anything?
Like nothing I do matter.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (30:56):
Yeah, I'm sorry. I feel like that was like too heavy.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
No, No, I don't you know, you know, don't be sorry.
These are I will I'm making the I'm making those
noises because uh, I mean, you're talking about some real
ship and I you're just making me think about the
these things are interesting to think about, hmmar.
Speaker 4 (31:22):
Like because I get anxious about my daily life, like
like I don't know even about the like stupid choices,
you know, Like if I get anxious about it, it
means that it's important to me. At the same time,
I feel like it's not important enough for me to
do anything about it. But why do I get anxious
to it? So it's just like I cannot even tell
(31:44):
what's happening in my brain right now, you know.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Let me actually play with this a little bit because
I've been thinking about this in my own thing. I
also often think, like what's the point of giving a
fuck about my life? Uh, because there's so many things
of control, and because like what's the there's greater there's
there's more important things going on in the in the
(32:07):
like world at large besides just like fucking me, So
why do I matter? And why is my happiness matter?
And what's the Like I've really thought about these things.
I've like talked to fucking chat GPT about these things
and trying to try to figure it out. And I
think I just for me, I can only just speak
from my lived experience. Like for me, I think, like
(32:27):
the when I reach a conclusion about this stuff, I
just go, you know what, it's my fucking life. I'm
gonna care about it. I'm just deciding. I know it's
kind of oversimplification, but it's just a matter of deciding
that you care about your own life and deciding it's
important to you that you be happy, and uh, trying
(32:51):
not to feel like shame in that, uh, because there's
the point. Yeah, I don't think it's a shameful thing
to want to give a fuck about your life, although
I definitely have experienced that, Yes, this is my fucking
life and I care about it, and I'm I'm I
(33:11):
confidently care about it. So I'm trying to again, it's
a it's a recurring mental exercise. But uh, that's just
where it is, what it comes down. I don't know
if I said anything just now, but that's where I lands.
That's where I land.
Speaker 4 (33:29):
It is interesting, like to intentionally of deciding that this
is my life when I'm gonna do something about it.
I don't know if I Yeah, I was like for
a long time, I was in the state that like
I didn't even care enough about myself to decide that
for myself. So I was kind of like, whatever happens happened.
(33:52):
But maybe now I'm in a more I don't know,
I'm in a better place to decide about what.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
I'm is weed legal where you're at. Do they still
have those weed cafes?
Speaker 4 (34:05):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, coffee school.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
That's cool. See in the States, I was just gonna say,
in the States, like weed is legal, but there's no
like coffee shot. Like in Amsterdam, you can buy a
joint and then hang out at the place and smoke it.
But in LA or New York or any or Denver
even it's like you there's no like lounges or like
(34:30):
there there are lounges, but you can't buy weed at
the lounges. If you like buy it a store and
then go into the lounges. Unfortunately, I'm only in Amster.
I'm in Amsterdam for like a day. Like i arrive
there at like a nine am, and I'm jet lagged,
and I'm gonna try to enjoy the city and then
and then I go to sleep, and then I wake
up and I gotta do the show, and then I
gotta get the fuck out of there. So it's a bummer.
(34:52):
I wanted to spend more time there. I wanted to Eventually,
I'll go back when I'm not. It's problem because I'm like,
I'm like working, I'm doing these shows, but I want
to go there to just like spend some time and
hang and look at look at cool, look at cool Amsterdam. Shit.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
Yeah, I've never like stayed at Amsterdam more than like
one or two days.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
But it is cool.
Speaker 4 (35:14):
But dude, I want to tell you this. I worked
at a coffee shop for like a few weeks.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
Oh cool.
Speaker 4 (35:19):
Yeah, it was nice, Like there's a lounge and you
can also buy it there, so it's fun.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
I remember the first time I went to Amsterdam. I
went to one of those coffee shops. Was the coolest
fucking thing ever. And they I just remember them having
like I remember they handed me a menu and on
the menu it was a selection of different milkshakes you
could get, and then a selection of different like joints
you could buy. And I was like twenty and I
(35:47):
was like, this is the coolest place I've ever been
in my entire fucking life.
Speaker 4 (35:51):
Yeah. Anyway, And the sad thing is I don't smoke, so.
Speaker 1 (35:58):
That's good. It's pretty bad for you. What's your name again? Hasty? Well, Hesty,
thanks for sharing all this stuff. And I hope, uh,
I hope you're doing all right.
Speaker 4 (36:10):
Life is kind of crazy for all the advice talking
to you.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
Anything else do I say to the people of the
computer before we go?
Speaker 4 (36:18):
H oh no?
Speaker 2 (36:20):
Nothing?
Speaker 1 (36:21):
No, well, I don't think so see you later, dog.
Speaker 4 (36:25):
Okay, have a nice name.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
Do I have any post call thoughts? Uh? Yeah, I
don't know. Have I Have I gotten too serious? I
mean we're kind of past that point. I don't think.
I don't think there's any turning back. Has this show
gotten too serious? Have I gotten too serious? I wonder
that too times Sometimes I wonder if I've like become
too sincere, because I don't think I ever set out
(36:53):
to like do a very sincere thing. But now now
that I've been, now that i've kind of I mean this,
this has been a sincere this, This has had strong
sincere sincerity to it for basically the entire time it's existed.
But now I don't think I could go back. I
(37:14):
used to do, like the comedy that I did before
I did the Gecko was not sincere. It's very like absurdist,
and I don't think I could go back. I think
I would feel like empty. It's weird because I want
to be sincere enough that I feel like like I'm
doing something that matters in some degree, but I don't
(37:36):
want to be too sincere to where I'm like, oh,
I've really gotten myself into something that's not reflective of
who I am or is too intense for me as
a person. And I feel like I've crossed some of
those lines. But uh, but overall, but overall good, overall good.
(37:57):
I like the live shows. Live shows are a little us.
They're a little they have they have sincere moments, but
they balance it out with uh, with diarrhea. But I
don't know whatever. I still like doing this podcast, So
we're gonna. I'm gonna I'm gonna try not to be crazy.
I'm gonna try not to be a crazy person, except
(38:18):
except after phone calls when I go on long fucking
rants like a crazy person, which I'm gonna do now.
I'm gonna keep going on this rant until it's over,
which it's about to be right now.
Speaker 3 (38:31):
Hello, Hello, can you hear me?
Speaker 2 (38:33):
All right?
Speaker 1 (38:34):
I can. What's your name?
Speaker 3 (38:37):
My name's Orlan?
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Orland? What's up Orlon? Have we ever talked before?
Speaker 3 (38:43):
I don't think so?
Speaker 1 (38:46):
Okay, cool man? Well, what what's what's going on with you? Orlon?
Speaker 3 (38:51):
Currently at McDonald.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
You're currently at.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (38:59):
What do you What are you doing that for the night?
Speaker 3 (39:05):
Picking up some trash food for the night?
Speaker 2 (39:07):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (39:08):
What's you have? Any big plans for the night?
Speaker 3 (39:13):
No, just been uh, doing a lot of schoolwork lately.
Thanks you too, doing a lot of school work lately, unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
What what are you in school for?
Speaker 3 (39:25):
Cybersecurity?
Speaker 1 (39:27):
Okay, you're keeping the the Internet safe. That's really It's
a noble thing.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
Yes, is there anything I'm getting the job where I
am like actively defending against hackers.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Oh, that's cool, that's that's that's kind of It's an
interesting it's an interesting thing being on the computer. You know,
it's an interesting thing being on the computer. Is there
anything you wanted to talk about specifically orlan?
Speaker 2 (40:01):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (40:01):
I could use some advice on finding irl friends. I
literally only have virtual friends.
Speaker 1 (40:08):
How old are you?
Speaker 3 (40:10):
I'm twenty six.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
Uh do you go outside? Do you leave the house.
Speaker 3 (40:18):
Other than work?
Speaker 2 (40:19):
No?
Speaker 1 (40:21):
Okay? What do you do when you get off of work?
Speaker 2 (40:26):
School?
Speaker 3 (40:27):
Or video games? I do stream on Twitch myself.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
Well what city do you live in?
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Blint?
Speaker 1 (40:40):
Flint in Michigan.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (40:43):
How is there? Is there happenings in Flint? Are there
things you can go to and do or organize?
Speaker 3 (40:50):
Well, that's the thing. I'm not even from Michigan. I've
just moved here a couple of years ago from after
dating a girl online, not over Facebook for six months. Well,
I mean we talked for like a month and then
she came down from Michigan to Columbus, Ohio like every
other week at and I saw the commitment. So I
(41:11):
pulled the trigger and yeah this I've been here two
and a half years.
Speaker 1 (41:20):
Do you know anyone at influence.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
Nope, just my girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
Okay, Well, why don't you go do whyn't you leave
your house man and go do stuff?
Speaker 3 (41:32):
I mean, like sometimes like I have a cool neighbor
I talk to and like we smoke sometimes together. But like,
I don't know, like I clam up and I feel
like a lot of the awkward pauses that are being
taken in the conversation are like due to my lack
(41:52):
of input, and I don't really like I feel like
I lose the interests of other people.
Speaker 1 (41:58):
You feel like you lose the interest of other people interesting? Well,
how do you feel like you could be better in
social interactions?
Speaker 3 (42:10):
I mean, I don't know if I have like aspergers
or something. Like I'm starting to believe I do have
autisms because there are specific things I focus on. I
don't really like loud noises, like like sudden loud noises
kind of make me upset. And I don't know, I
(42:31):
feel like I don't really read people that well, and
my go to is claming up, thinking that I'm not
doing enough to be interesting to the other person. Like
I was hanging out with my neighbor the other day
and the only thing I was talking about was like
obs and stuff like that, and I felt like.
Speaker 1 (42:51):
Let me, let me, let me, you know, let me
get Let me ask you a question. Are you interested
in your neighbor? Do you find your neighbor interesting?
Speaker 3 (43:02):
I mean, yeah, kind of looks cool, he's got cool,
he's uh, he's got a really cool muscle car.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
Okay, do you let me tell you? Let me let me.
Here's the thing about social interactions. Is there really less
about proving if you just the onus of proving yourself
to be interesting to other people is not is not
a good way to go about your conversational life.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
You know.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
The best way for you to have social interactions is
to just be is actually the complete opposite. It's to
just be interested in other people. Now, I don't know
if you're naturally are interested in other people. I assume
because you want friends and you want to be around
people more often, that you are naturally in other people.
(43:53):
So so so so, so, what I would recommend is
that you just start kind of approaching these situations thinking
like less about yourself and how you might be coming off,
and about how you know you might be doing something
(44:16):
weird or something like that, and and start thinking more
about just like really trying to dive into the whatever
natural curiosity you have about the people around you and
the people you're talking to.
Speaker 3 (44:30):
So first be interested and then second fall into natural flow.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
Yeah, man, I don't think. I don't think a good
conversation is about proving that you're cool.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
I understand where that's where that comes from, and I
understand why that is something that uh plugues can plug
can plug your brain. And I've definitely had it interactions
where I felt that way, and maybe there is a
little bit of that in there, sure, but like at
least eighty percent of it is just being naturally curious
(45:11):
and interested in other people and kind of things I
think flow flow through that.
Speaker 3 (45:18):
So let me tell you this, what things should I
be like looking at to be interested in somebody? Because
like I was trying to say, was that I mean,
I am lonely to the extent of not having friends,
but I don't know how to be interested in other
people really. I mean, like I have interest like video
(45:40):
games and stuff like that. So I guess if we
talk about common things, but I don't know this person,
how do they know what's common? And then I just
feel like I'm ewing out word vomit.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
Well, I mean you don't know this person, how I
know if it's common. I mean you get to know
people by asking them questions and showing an interest in
they're a lot lives. True, But and it's Okay, here's
the thing, and I like the question of well, it
should come from an authentic place. I mean, do you
have are you do you? Are you interested in other
(46:13):
people in their lives?
Speaker 3 (46:17):
I mean some people, but very specific people. Okay, I
guess that is kind of selfish. It's coming from a
selfish No, I.
Speaker 1 (46:27):
Never I never said it was selfish. I don't think
it's selfish, and I don't think you should think it's
selfish either. That I'm just trying to kind of, I guess,
tap into whatever is authentic about your your brain and
your interactions with other people.
Speaker 3 (46:43):
Yeah, I mean like I mean even like playing video
games online. Like I have a hard time continuing the
conversation beyond video games.
Speaker 1 (46:54):
But I want you want Okay, great, you want to.
That's a that's a genuine, authentic desire of yours is
to continue the conversation beyond video games. What how do
you want to continue the conversation beyond video games. What
do you want to You said you want to continue
your conversations beyond video games? What do you Where do
(47:16):
you want to go?
Speaker 3 (47:18):
I mean a go to would be like asking them
where they're from.
Speaker 1 (47:23):
Cool, But like.
Speaker 3 (47:28):
I don't know, maybe I don't know, but.
Speaker 1 (47:34):
You've identified, but you've identified a natural desire that you
want to take your conversations that you're having with somebody
about something like video games, and you you have a
genuine desire to take it further.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (47:46):
Yeah, so just follow.
Speaker 1 (47:48):
I I really I mean it. I think you should
just follow wherever that genuine desire takes you. Does that
make sense? Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (47:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (47:58):
Okay, great, I'm happy it does because I really I
really feel that way. So yeah, and just like, yeah,
don't don't freak out about whether or not you're presenting
yourself as the coolest guy in the world. Okay, I mean, you.
Speaker 3 (48:21):
Know, I always want to brag about myself, I guess
because I mean I do cool things. But like, I
was a chef for a while, I worked for a
master chef. Mm hm.
Speaker 1 (48:33):
M hmm.
Speaker 3 (48:34):
But I feel like that's like very selfish of me
talking about myself like that.
Speaker 1 (48:38):
I wouldn't The way you're saying it's selfish is making
it out like you're like there's something like negative or
evil about you, which isn't is it was isn't true.
You know, I don't know why I said evil. Evil
seems like a staunch word, but it just I didn't
like that you were saying that it was selfish because
I didn't think it was. You have a genuine desire.
(49:01):
You want to get to know people on a deeper level,
is what you're expressing. Yeah, so, uh just really, I mean,
I really mean, like, tap into that desire and see
what it leads you to find. I guess, I guess
I guess if I were to say anything to you
to kind of wrap like this conversation is like it
(49:23):
sounds like you're when you're going into these social interactions,
you're tapping into a You're tapping more into fear. You're
tapping into fear of whether or not this person likes you,
tapping into fear that you're not interesting enough, or that
you're selfish, or that you're this and that, and you're
you're kind of going into these desires. You're kind of
going into these conversations from that place, right and I
(49:49):
would just flip it, and I would flip it and
I would identify that you have a genuine desire to
get to know people and to have deeper connections with
people and approach it from that desire. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (50:05):
Absolutely? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (50:07):
Could I ask you maybe one more question if you
don't mind.
Speaker 1 (50:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (50:12):
So I often try to engage with other people on Twitch,
other streamers.
Speaker 2 (50:16):
And stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (50:18):
Mm. But then I find myself feeling like I'm like,
I don't know, like being a nuisance on their stream
by typing and being like one of the top chatters
typing like everything.
Speaker 2 (50:31):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (50:32):
Mm hmm. Do you think that's that's the same scenarios.
I'm just like, I'm coming from a place that isn't
the best mind space.
Speaker 1 (50:42):
Well, with streamers, it's weird because it's a really one
sided interaction.
Speaker 3 (50:49):
Yeah, I mean they don't They're not like expressively saying
that I'm being a nuisance other than joking with me.
Speaker 1 (50:55):
But I mean, do you get well again, it's a
really one sided around. I mean, to be totally honest
with you, every time I read, even if it's on
my own thing, anytime, I'm like like I'm looking at
I look at Instagram or YouTube or whatever, and you
see comments. I'm always like, who are these people? Who
are these people who are like talking? I know everyone
in my comments section is now going to reference me
(51:17):
saying this, But I'm like, who are these people talking?
In the internet comments? I don't know. I don't know
what's going on in the brain when it's leaving a
comment on a thing. I mean, I appreciate it. I
for my own shit. I like hearing the feedback. I
read the comments and stuff. But that's a diff that's
really I wouldn't what you're talking about is not in
(51:40):
the field of social interaction. I don't think. But I
don't know. What do you want? Like when you're when
you're well, I guess I'll I'll just ask you, like,
when you're chatting a lot in someone's stream, what are
you hoping to get out of that?
Speaker 3 (51:56):
Just interaction? Really? I mean, I'm not looking for followers
or anything like, I just trying to create, like be
a part of their community.
Speaker 1 (52:06):
Really, you're trying to interact with the other chatters.
Speaker 3 (52:12):
Well, rarely do I interact with the other chat It's
more I'm making comments and they're reading it. Type shit
and then like I don't, like, I feel like I'm
I am disconnected with chat often.
Speaker 1 (52:30):
I feel what was the initial thing that you want
that you were asking about this or reason why you
wanted to bring this up or talk about it? Man? Yeah,
not having like.
Speaker 3 (52:40):
The best tools to have friends and stuff like that.
I mean, like I happen to discord and I have
I talk to other people that are that stream, that
are in the community and stuff. But like, I mean,
I don't really know, like what do I even how
(53:03):
do I even call out somebody else in the chat
and then start trying to make a connection with them.
Speaker 1 (53:12):
Well, what do you want? Man? Do you want? Do
you want to be around more people in real life
or in in flint or do you want to have
online buddies? Like what would your ideal scenario be?
Speaker 2 (53:26):
More friends?
Speaker 3 (53:27):
Probably not relying on having one friend that I play
games with.
Speaker 1 (53:32):
M I mean, I think the twitch discords a little
different from if you're in the ears of the If
you're like on Twitch talking to a twitch streamer trying
to like get their attention for like a form of
genuine connection, I don't think that's a good idea. But
if you're in like, but you could go to the
(53:53):
discord channel of a Twitch streamer and start talking to
the people in the who are also watch the streamer
and maybe, you know, get some interaction like that. But again,
I would.
Speaker 3 (54:06):
Really trying to tag somebody in chat and make a
conversation midst.
Speaker 1 (54:12):
Yeah, but dude, really, I don't know what. I don't
know what the landscape of Flint, Michigan looks like these days.
But if you can do, do your best to try
to get out of the house and meet some folks
in real life.
Speaker 3 (54:23):
All right, all right, I appreciate the advice.
Speaker 1 (54:25):
Man, Yeah, of course. Man. Well, thanks, thanks for sharing
all this stuff with me and uh trusting me to
fucking talk about it. Thank you. Sorry, I'm sorry I
talked over you. I'm sorry I talked over you earlier,
but I was there was a second where I was like,
I just need to get this thought out and I
(54:47):
need to talk over you to do it. So thanks
for bearing with me.
Speaker 3 (54:51):
No, no, thank you, I appreciate everything.
Speaker 1 (54:54):
Is there anything else you wus say to the people
of the computer before we go?
Speaker 3 (55:02):
I love this community, Bill, and I hope you never
stop doing what you do.
Speaker 1 (55:05):
Gack, Thank you. Brother, I appreciate it. You enjoy enjoy
your McDonald's.
Speaker 2 (55:10):
I will.
Speaker 3 (55:11):
I will shove it down my throat. Thank you. Think
I did a good night bye?
Speaker 1 (55:18):
You know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't
I don't get you. I don't get comments. Every time
I see comments, I get I read. I read my
YouTube comments. Part of me thinks I shouldn't because it's
like obsessive, I guess, to just sit there and read
stuff about yourself. Uh, But I don't. But I like,
(55:43):
but I do with I work a lot on making
these podcasts, and so I want to I want to
know what people think about them. I have these conversations
like like I want, like, I'm gonna read the comments
because I want to know what the people in the
comments have to say about people in the comments. I
think that's fair. I think it's fair for me to
want to read the comments about my work. I think
(56:07):
it's a bad idea to try to like gain a
sense of self esteem from them. But I think it's
natural to be curious about them. I don't know. I
don't know why anyone does anything, really goes on the line,
taking your phone calls every night, the rep goes to
(56:29):
his d he's teaching you Cloud in the Memorial Life,
but he's not really an expert.
Host
Lyle Drescher
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