September 27, 2021 • 51 mins
This week’s theme: “Confessions.” A famous bear turns to a life of arson, a modern family faces new challenges, and a classic action film gets an unnecessary reboot .
Special Guest Contributor Jake Kroeger a stand-up comic, writer, director and producer. He has written extensively about the art form of comedy for Vulture, Nerdist, LA Weekly and more. He’s the founder of “The Comedy Bureau,” the industry’s go-to resource for comedy news, schedules and everything happening in the world of comedy in L.A., NYC and beyond.
More At: www.thecomedybureau.com
Twitter: @mfjakekroeger
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Portions of This is Americans Live, the improvised documentary podcast,
are brought to you by listeners like yourself, are esteemed sponsors,
and the all powerful, all knowing Random Sentence Generator, which
inspires the stories you're about to hear. Yes, whenever you
hear this sound, the next sentence you hear is a
random sentence provided by our revered, omnipotent random sentence Generator.
(00:23):
For more This is Americans Live. Listened to more episodes
of This is Americans Live. I guess and now your
first random sentence. Smokey the Bear secretly started the fires.
(00:44):
For years he was promoting the fact that fires were
accidental or maybe a product of negligence at old campaign
based on it. But we really knew that Smoky out
of his own fires a little bit of a secret arsonists.
I mean, without fires, you don't really have a smoky
And remember, kids older, you can prevent forest fire. Yeah,
(01:08):
but what if you're the one who I mean, why
do you have matches? I'm just asking why do you
have matches? Because you see the matches, don't you. I
see the matches for shure. I brought this with me
to show you the dangerous items that could be ignited,
and why you should stay away from these matches. So
why there's so many matches because because there's so many
(01:30):
of you, one match for each child. Wait, do you
want to give us all matches when we're not supposed
to start fires? Yes? I want to hand you the matches.
I want you to see what a fire looks like
and how scary. Then alright, alright, thank you so much kids.
This session or whatever it is, this is gonna be over.
Mr Ball. We have some questions for you. Please please.
(01:50):
Mr Barrow was my father's name. You can call me Smoke,
Mr Smoky. This is my partner, Mr Kingdom. Hello, we're investigators.
We would like to ask you some questions and if
you want to look at my credentials. Wow, yeah, she
very official. The very real versions are the ones that
you carried out a fake? No, these are totally real.
(02:11):
And you come down town and tell us a person
when we go and smoke them car and it's called
a Smokey the Bear car. Yeah, Smoky the Bear car.
Is it labeled the Smoky the Bear Car? Yeah? On
the side I had I had somebody, we would prefer
to take you in our own car. If that's okay
with you, sir. That's kind of have this work. It's
kind of how this works. Don't make this cuff in
(02:31):
front of the kids. All right, I'll play along, but
I can't imagine. What do you think I could have
done wrong? Let me just can I imp you have
my pockets place? Let me just put these matchress over here,
and we put the stip block bag full of gasoline
over here. To say, just put my blow torch over here.
He was passing through his own crimes. And the thing
(02:51):
he knew he was smoky the bear car taking up show.
But you don't ask me about the fires. Oh, don't
load a marshal. I think he's taking off at the
end of the day. He was just a big fet there.
(03:12):
So he didn't get his The agents caught up with
and the handcuffed him and they took him in for questioning,
and they brought him some coffee and then some honey,
and then they said, and then they asked me a question.
It sucks when somebody keeps tucking over. It's not great,
all right. I don't have to say anything to you,
cop smart until my lawyer were fire investigative agents respect
(03:36):
the bade okay, fired, Well, don't if you want to
see the badge again? Yeah, sure him the badge again.
Apparently he needs to see it right air, right air.
That one look so fresh. All I want to see.
Here's a gun. Fuck you tell us what his matches?
This gas can and what else did you pull out?
You were saying it out loud, dummy, ziplock bag? Yeah,
ziplock bag of gasoline, by the way, thumbest way to
(03:56):
carry gasoline. Right, well, I love my gas can full
of gasoline in the wards. After I dumped it out,
I forgot to bring it with back up. You did
what again? You dumped the gas can? What the wards?
Why would you do that? Missed the bear because I
was going to show everyone how dangerous and scary forest
(04:20):
fires are. Trial by fire literally at that point, you know,
realize that Smoky wasn't necessarily a niceness but an accidental
fire starter. The fires originated from him were chapping what
not to do with kids? Literally, you know that he
was starting the fires that he desperately wanted to stop.
You don't understand I'm doing the Lord's work. I'm doing
a public service. How are people supposed to know how
(04:43):
to avoid the thing that they don't even know what
it looks. What doesn't matter you you started these fires,
and then you come in and and then you you know,
you say not to do it, but then you do
it accidentally after it doesn't matter what booking. You've done
your book and you get your book block. Look look look, look,
look he's the book. Look he's your book. Please your
(05:03):
paws downstair, don't raise your pie. If starting fires intentionally
to teach everybody a lesson is a crime, then by
all means, lock me up and throw away the key.
No worries. You gotta get your mug shuts. First, go
to the next door. Oh yes, sir, mr yeah, you
need to stand straight, yeah, yeah, stand up against the finger,
(05:28):
smile or no, no no, no, no, it's fine sight and
then turn the right and then how much do you wait?
Four pounds? But I'm trying to slim down before my wedding.
Put him in pop, What are you looking for? I
don't know doing? What are you in for? You don't
know what you're in here for? Anything? I know, but
(05:49):
maybe I'm still in child face? What are you? What
is that tattoo? Say in my face? Uncle Charles and
his and the left side. Nephew, Gary, thank you. Now
you know, motherfucker, there's no indication what you are here for.
You're the new meat. You go first, Yeah, go first?
All right? It was a big misunderstanding. Misunderstanding. Huh, big giant,
(06:11):
flaming misunderstanding. I hadn't I was setting fires. You know
what we did with larsinists around here, don't you? What's
your funny bad? Let me guess you shot him on fire.
He wasn't getting along with people with the gin pop
it put him in his own cell, not because nobody
went in the room with him, because he was so
large he only occupied one old table to himself in
(06:33):
the cafeteria. Little did you know that you had a
lot of enemies in prison? Yeah? What you canna do
with that? Honey? What's gonna eat it? What do you
think of it? Why would you be eating my honey pump?
I don't know. Why would you be fucking with a bear?
What are you gonna do? All? You give it a shot? Okay?
(06:58):
I mean I can't molly if I have to ask this,
But does anybody else watch some of the shot? And
at that point he realized he was the shot cut
of the prison. So what are you working for? Whatever
you say? Yeah, yeah, you're in for arson. When I
when I very easily bust out of this prison, you're
gonna help me light a few fires. You're gonna what
(07:20):
are you saying? What are you in for? Yeah? It
was also a misunderstanding. You seem so suck spoken, So
I'd rather I'd rather not. I rather not. What do
you do with? Sounds bad? It's very bad. Okay, Well
your water, take some guss or you want to know,
(07:42):
I'll tell you, but you promise not to deal anybody.
I guess we won't tell anybody. But even if we're doing,
you're kind of already in prison. Yeah, but I'm really okay,
go ahead. I stole a bunch of gasoline and put
it in bunch of black bags, and then that caused
not in the forest, but caused a bunch of life. Wow. Um,
(08:02):
So I'm gonna have one follow up question. How would
you like to bring my girlfriend? Would be lovely? There's
so much in common. Very well, what's up with the
fresh first you mentioned earlier are the first delivery comment.
It was called fresh fish because you know it's like
brand new years, so called fresh fish. That's why they
keep me all on fresh fish. I keep thinking this
(08:31):
is this is American's life. Maybe another story Fast Producer
Andy Especially guest contributor in this episode is Jake Kroeger.
In the show, we'll be using a trustee Sends generator
to bring you a story in three improvised acts. This
week's theme confessions. Sometimes they're good for ust, so sometimes
you can say you free. The times you can just
(08:52):
put you in the slammer with us. Act one as
the rental car road two stop on the dark road.
Or fear increased by the moment, has every moment passed
her fear kept moving up like a barameter of jitters.
(09:16):
I think this is it. I think this is it.
I think this is the place. Are you sure? Yes?
This is the place. Jesus, this is the Ben Breakfast.
He chose to me too. You told me to pick
the place, so I picked the place and I just
looked it up on you know that the Ben Breakfast
that come No, are we very yet? Chris? Please shut up? Yes, please, Chris, Jesus,
(09:40):
I only asked ten times, Jesus, Chris, Chris, your father
and I are having a discussion. Quiet back, stepfather. Doesn't
sound like a discussion, sounds like an argument. Chris, I
found I found it somewhere. I don't know if you
don't want to. It was one of those pages and
and and those little things to tear off for bread back. First, listen,
Dr Roybert, this too. You mean super fucking expensive Dr Roberts,
(10:05):
doctor fucking super fucking expensive. Dr Robert told us to
trust each other. You have to do earmufs again, Yes,
all right, just do you know what? Do airmuffs for
the rest of the trip, please, Chris, My arms are
gonna you tire. Okay, well, then here, take these Take
these pills. Did you like hear mufs for your old body?
You told me not to take just to Chris, you
for other people? Chris can can your your stepfather and I?
(10:28):
Please have a second, please all right, just give me
the earmuffs in there they'll yes, take the airmuffs, take
the noise canceling headphones, take the pills. I can take
the pills. The only kid in the world who actually needs,
like when you tell him, say earmuffs, they need actual
things to put on his fucking really just is unbelievable.
They didn't put the earmuffs on yet, but the Amazon
(10:49):
the noise canceling headphones. Take the pills with the dry
cleaner bag over your head? Do you have something to drink?
I don't like taking pills dry Christ, Chris, your stepfather,
and I gonna have a little brief, little chitty chat. Okay, hey, um,
so what is with this kid not daking the pill? Really?
That's what you want to talk about right now? He
(11:09):
used to be cool? Remember when he used to be
so cool? This is what I'm talking about, Darling. I
don't know what you want to talk about. At one point,
you're really upset about the prod and breakfast. I thought
you want to add a conversation about the bread breakfast,
and then all of a sudden we're talking about Chris
and we'll get when we get to the bed breakfast.
But well, why don't we get to what we're gonna
get too? I'm so sorry. I just didn't expect Chris
to come in here with us. I wish you could
just take some fucking focused pills for once. You're right,
(11:32):
I'm gonna focus. So this place is really scary first, um,
but I'm going to trust you because even though you've
led me a stray countless times. I didn't lead you stray. Really, Yes,
while you were the one who told me to adopt Chris,
you said you wanted a baby. I should I can't
give you a baby. Then what'd you say? They said
I want a puppy? You remember what happened to that thing? Right? Yes?
(11:56):
And then and then I said I want I guess
since we've out of options, I will take literally anything
but a pubescent, annoying boy who won't take pills and
talks during road trip. Most people kidnapped babies, but your
kidnapped the fucking eleven year old. You really didn't want me,
didn't we say to where your mouths? For fox sake?
I can I can read lips and the pills aren't
(12:18):
working yet. This is why you get a baby, because
they're not educated, they don't know anything. This one will
reads lips, you know, like Chris, you know you're right.
We love you very much and we appreciate you. What
are learned? Those pills? But what's in the pills? What
are my pharmacists? I don't know. They quiet, sleepy time
pass sleepy time pills. I take them when I need
to sleep. I give them cue for you to sleep,
or you wanted to put me to sleep. I want
(12:40):
you to just shut up for a minute. That's not
the same as sleeping, though. Can we just talk about
our relationship here, because I just feel like, let's say,
for example, somebody happy lostening into our conversation, what are
you gonna realize about our relationship? Yeah, okay, I guess you.
You make a good point. Okay, look, you know a
family meeting. Take the bag off your head and take
the air moths off. That's and I decided to cut
(13:00):
him off. Can just start talking. I wanted him to
know what I felt like. Maybe maybe it wasn't really
about his story. Maybe it wasn't about the scene. Did
I do that? Just not? Maybe it was a lesson
that I cut you off just now If I did,
it wasn't Maybe you did times before. Maybe you did
it wasn't on the purfoct weeks before. Sorry, but I
(13:21):
just want to let him know I know I'm watching
and listening. Okay, So family meeting, Take all this stuff off,
take it here, stick your fingering on your throat and
puke out those pills. Take your fingering you could thank you? Okay,
thank you? That hurt alright, family meeting. Yeah, we can
all agree that your stepfather chose this really scary, terrible
(13:43):
place for us to stay. Was it scary or terrible?
You wanted to come all the way to mid CA,
like northern whatever the California area this is we were driving.
I realized didn't book anything, so I stopped the first
laundromat first laundroy maat I one of those little papers,
did ben breakfast at the things to tear this off,
throw it off? Called the people left on the voicemail
and the answering machine stay tell us what your name blah,
(14:05):
but I'm people and go peep and I did it,
and we are I think that we should all just
do a favor and satisfy each other and the listener
and just go into this spooky bed and breakfast and
see what it's like. Okay, I think we should talk
a little bit more. I don't know how is this
supposed to be a family meeting. You just said you're
not my real mom and dad. We're not your biological
(14:27):
mother and father, but we are your adoptive mother and father.
Where I'm sorry that can you show you where the papers?
I want you to prove that you love me, show
me the papers. Well, you're in luck because I always
carry the adoption papers in my biser. Here you go
on the other side of town. The parents talk about
his disappearance. I don't know. I feel like we shoulder.
(14:47):
I could not be more relaxed, am I right? How
nice is it to be able to sit down, turn
on the boo ya and just watch whatever we want,
whatever we want without I'm chiming and telling us, Oh,
I remember he was in that other movie and she
wasn't the other movie directly the movie. Remember, I thought
(15:11):
it was charming when we adopted him, you know what
I mean? And then realizing that this is not gonna work.
I mean they really took I mean the us out.
Talk about bailing us out. I did not care for him.
I think we're happy now. I don't see any reason
to call a search party or even go to look
for him. How long has it been I don't know
what seems like it's only been a couple of days,
(15:32):
but I'm sure it's been years of year. And the
decided to see this is by that school parents said
to talk about the missing baby, Chris, I'm not a
day and do not miss Christopher at all. Well, that
makes one of us, because man, old man, whenever we'd
(15:52):
click on the click clicking click the movie do movie
doube and he'd be watching the move movie pictures with
us and he would say, Hey, that's my but they
need to say girls and mar wait wait, turn up
the news, turn turn up. Hey, I think I recognize
that kid. Family and a freend and Breakfast was murdered
(16:14):
by this my young man. Authorities are start trying to
find the identity of this young eleven year old boy.
Kid looks just like her, annoying, but he looks just
like yeah, turn it off, turn up. I think he's
trying to make up the same walleyes. I thought, yes,
I get it. Turn it up. The same face looks
like somebody like God must please? Can you please turn
up the movie too. We cooked it so it drowns
(16:34):
out the sound of your insults. I'm gonna turn it
to the channel. Well, this is a new news person.
Let's see what they have to lives with the seed.
You're really spooky, but Breakfast where a young man rescued? Though,
where are you man? Sorry, let's roll tape, roll back,
We're live oh ship, sorry, we're live chance, guys, some
pipe made Welcome back to scary spooky news. Yeah, I'll
(16:58):
go live to the bed and breakfas where a young
man name Chris Tupper has murdered his entire family and
the owners of the Bend Breakfast. I was not really
that spooky inside. I'm not sure I say his name right.
Let me because in one of those names, wilcome back
to the broadcast. We don't go live to a been
(17:22):
breakfast that if they would have actually gotten out and
walked inside and looked after ben breakfast, I would have
seen that it wasn't that spooky after all, and it
was much to do about nothing. We had a man
murdered his adoptive parents. Um, do we have the name
of this young man? Oh? Yes, his name is Christopher
Christopher Lemon, Chris Clements, Chris Chrissie Clemmons. And the only
(17:45):
reason why I know that that's his name is because
witnesses overheard a couple screaming out, please adoptive son Christopher
Clemens stopped hitting us with that hatchet. Physic Clemmons and
himself in an interrogation room with do detective wanted to
know what happened to the family he arrived with at
the bed breakfast but ended up inces alright, Christian, my
(18:07):
partner is gonna come in in a second. He's not
anywhere near as nice as I as nice as I am,
how are you today? I'm a little shaken up. Don't
be shaken you know, so let's talk about them. I
have these these pills that might adopted father wanted to
give to me to make me go and sleepy, But
(18:27):
I don't know should I take those right now? Let
me consult with my proner. What's problem? You're supposed to
be mean? Why? Why are you being so nice? That guy?
I told him I preloaded I saying that you you
were gonna be mean. I didn't hear it. You come
in here, like, why don't you tell me how you
feel about the saying is crying to chack about it?
It's not taking you seriously asked him about the mitas.
(18:47):
For Christ's sake, You guys fight like my adopted parents.
What you didn't want to worry home? You jed watch
you can tell me? Tell both of us? So, yeah,
you can tell both of us. You want him to leave?
No tell us, sir, are my part he's gonna give
you a pomel, and I like saying I should never seen.
I will pummel your fucking face. I just want everybody
to get along. If I promise that we're going to
(19:09):
get along, do you promise to tell us what happened
to these two people? I promise they were my adoptive parents.
But then right before the thing happened, they said they
weren't my parents, and then that's what set you off.
I'm sorry, well, the thing that happened, but ask them
what the thing was that happened. We have to get along.
You know what, Christopher, if you don't mind, put their
(19:29):
mason and put these noise canceling headphones on. Not any
no more in your mouth. These are the noise canceling
headphones we found you with. I think you, I think
it's okay. If you were, please put the dry cliner
bag over you. I'm getting triggered. I don't want to
do that. Just get along. Please be sidebar with my partner.
I watched a really good You'd have to telling the
water a little bit when you said you're gonna kick
your what having you said? You're always telling me how
(19:52):
to interrogate our our, our purpose. It's not fair. I
went through the academy too, you know. Yeh. We both
were to successions with dr Ropetski and Young. She said,
in order to be more effective partners, we should make
clear expectations of the other partner. Now, I like, I
feel like I'm a very good partner. I feel like
(20:15):
I do. I do follow the expectations that you lay
out for me. However, you seem to change them on
a dime. What are you talking about? One? You're not
very consistent about what you want from me. At the top,
I was telling him, sound like you're getting along less No, no, what, God, God,
what are you working out? Okay, we'll see. That's the
volume where it sounds like you were getting Yeah. No,
(20:35):
everything's gonna be fine. Your voice even and even even
her own purp recognizes that just lower your voice. Maybe
we could have some kind of consensus on happened. Let's right,
let's do it. Let's do it. Here we go and
break all right, Christopher. So so here's the deal. Look,
I don't want to throw you in prision. Neither do I.
(20:55):
I don't want to, but I'm afraid quishy that unless
you admit that you had to your fucking step parents
to pieces. I swear to God, I am gonna slam
your stupid Sorry, why don't you call me Chrissie. It's
a sword for Christopher, for Christopher. Am I bringing a
(21:18):
Christie energy to this. If you want to be called
Chris or Christopher, we will call you Christoper, Christopher. Okay, yeah,
we'll call you whatever you want. I mean to me,
you have Christophers. I believe him. I don't believe you.
It feels like you're just going along with what he
says because you want to go home, Chris, my boy, Christopher.
(21:38):
He feels just as much for you as I do.
Really he does. Yes, look at him? Yeah, look at
his red face. That seems like it's red for a
different voice. Because the was so much damn love for you, Christopher,
And I really just want us to work out for you.
And if you don't, God damn tell me you killed
(22:02):
these poor people. I'm gonna not paint this wall red
with your blood from your skull. God it hurts white Chris.
They created a new parental dynamic amongst the two detectives
in himself. Because Chris never confessed, they ended up in
this hatt and mouse of where the rooms called interrogation
(22:25):
room in derogation for months and months alrighthippopotamus, I know
what you stole out? Car stop from one minute? It's
a call back to the first thing by why had
I mean had a bear talking and he was in
prison that one second? Do you understand my problem? I'm
always adding with the producer, you know, Yeah, it's says constant,
(22:50):
no focus, consily like randomly bringing things into the parade
that don't hold on. This is what I'm talking about. Yeah,
you know, you know, And I feel like kind of
like a son in a way watching two parents. Yeah,
I'm really I'm really sorry. Can we can like that?
The guests? Can we just have Can you put these
ramus on for a second? Do you want me to
(23:14):
put it? You want me to put your mouths over headphone?
Can you actually can you take off the headphone so
so you can't hear what we're saying on the mic,
and so take you off. But we dr ribe Flavan
already went over this with us, and it's pronounced lavine.
It's not no, it's an entire session was dedicated to
(23:35):
the pronunciation of his name, and we we came to
the agreement that is rabelavin isn't matter? Is that I'm
really sorry that you have to hear all that, but
it's it's it's a grilling problem. At some point I
had to say something about because if I didn't, you
would just keep continuing with all this bullshit. Would it
be okay with you? Can we at least agree that
(23:56):
we should move on to Act too, because this is
as good as Act one is going to get, because
there's nowhere else to go from here. Coming up at
to the first the word from our esteemed sponsors stay
with us at you interview, especially guess Jake Broger are
(24:32):
you today, Jake, I'm doing I'm doing all right. How
about you gonna be weird transition? Right, Yeah, let'stency bet
bets based in honesty. I've been doing the show with
Andy for the past five years that I had another
producer who you know from Intensive Purposes, you know died died.
(24:52):
How did he die for dens and purpose for all
for all intents and purposes died? Could say that he did,
let's just say it kind of died behind it that
it doesn't matter anyways, we actually have we don't we
don't have we have that some footage of that first producer? Yeah,
it's it's fine. That is being all right. Yeah, this
(25:13):
is from the third producer, which is two producers before Andy.
All right, are you we're almost ready to start rolling? Um?
Are you ready? Are you ready to start rolling? And
appreciate it if maybe you just have an organic started.
I'm constantly asking me if I'm ready. I'm really sorry,
I'm really sorry. Okay, So we're gonna start rolling here
(25:35):
in a little in a minute. So did you see
the problem my head with the producer? Yeah, aggravating. Yeah,
I was hop I was hoping we'd have footage of
how he died. If there, but that's that's the one
that died. It went right before you. Oh yeah, can
worry what happened to that one? Yeah? Oh he just
died ll intense and purposes? What does what does that mean?
(25:58):
In a legal sense? Sorry, for all intensive purposes? He
kind of died because he was a robot. He's right
out of batteries and well, yeah, I don't want to
do that robot. No, there's no robot, and I can't
tell you what I mean. No, I would like want
to hear that I would like to hear that producer dying.
All right, glory and his double s time to start roll? Like,
(26:20):
are you ready, producer? About three thousands ready? Yes, I
know it's sticking out of the wall. Oh it really
was a robot. Yeah. The production company here, the radio station,
decided to get me an automated producer because I just
wasn't getting along with all the producers. I reached out
(26:42):
to you because your father was my first producer, right,
and if you remember to him, if I remember my father, yeah,
I played the last day. He was okay, alright, sorry,
um ready to roll? And I think it's his time,
by the ways. By ways. But I've been doing such
a good job. And how long you've been doing here?
(27:03):
For six hours and everything comes to an end, Well,
you better promised me something. You would better not mistreat
my son the way that you've been mistreating me for
these six hours. I'm not gonna keep you on board
just because he told me your wife's pregnant and then
you have this son coming. I haven't even met the kid.
I probably never will. And they don't give a ship
(27:23):
if we're not gonna live for He used to talk
about you a lot. Actually, Oh, yeah, will you say
you probably rambling like you What does that mean? If
his family crest is like a microphone? It is you've
seen it. Yeah, it's glorious. It's a microphone. And then
there's a silout of a man. It is like this,
he has one hand. Is a year a microphone? Yeah,
(27:43):
And and then there's like an olive branch underneath all
that it's not that's actually an excell cable. It goes
right to the mic. Just a green act all our cable. Yes, okay,
uh so, so why don't we hear a little bit
about our guests here? Yeah? So tell us see you from?
What do you do? How do we know each other?
But how do we know? How do we know of you?
(28:05):
Uh So, my name's Jake Roger. Uh. I created a
thing called the Comedy Bureau back in two thousand and ten.
That's you investigate comedy. What does that mean? You know?
I I used to be a name that was just
kind of fun, but uh you know, it's an l
a comedy news resource institution that recently expanded in New York.
(28:26):
But in in the time of COVID, I've actually gotten
to do investigating quote unquote no ship yeah, like people
would tell me about an open mic in person that
they were doing at a very uh, let's say, bad
time to do that, and I would go in my
car and just spy from my car if they were
(28:46):
being safe to see you do you mean like like
COVID wise, Yeah, COVID wise and they weren't. So what
did you do when you saw that they weren't being safe?
And what were they doing? Like just kissing each other?
I mean I wouldn't I wouldn't be I wouldn't surprised
if that was what they were doing when I wasn't looking.
How much can you notice from your so were you
wearing my hat? That that? Oddly, that was how I
(29:09):
got to be in disguised by not wearing a hat
because I used to wear a hat all the time
and then I dyed my hair. And so if with
me wearing a mask or a bandana and then not
having a hat, people don't know who I know. We
we actually, by the way, we actually have because you
asked what was going on in there, we actually have
in the archives what was going on and saide that
(29:31):
was recording the set sents. So this might actually be
helpful for you. You can actually have this this footage
if you want it. Commure like, give me look, I
want to tell you some choke. Let's touch tongues. So hey,
so what is the deal with the guys? Excuse me?
(29:53):
That is that Chekroger from comedy? No, it's not. Now
he doesn't have a hat on doesn't a hat on him? Hey?
So so I'm working at this bit. Hey, hey, work
on this bit and working on this bit. Yeah, I'm
working on this bit. Is about dating? Which one the
one that you fart in my mouth and I phone yours? No, no,
it's no. It's the one where you you shipped in
my mouth and then I fart in your eyes and
then I lick my own. Are you going to actually
(30:13):
take O? Do that? I mean? I just saw you
touch tongues. Who are you? Yeah? Who are you you? Oh?
I'm nobody important. Just keep going it. Krueger. No, No,
there's no there's no half. There's no half, there's no cane.
But please continue. Krueger doesn't have blond hair, does he?
I don't know. I would have no idea what his
hair looks like because it's he's always hat How would
I know? Anyways, So dating his heart and alright, and
(30:37):
then you're if you're gonna go through COVID and talk
about dating. Still, all right, I'm gonna book you for that.
You take him to what's jail? Like, just take a
room in your house and you just put them there. No,
I take them and I put them in the Flappers
you who room forever. I do that room all the time.
(31:01):
I record all my sets. You want to hear one
of my sets? Yeah? I do. Actually, so I have
his producer that us me fucking crazy. It's but it's
really funny. He's so stupid. Oh what, Oh I'm booing.
You are, get off the stage. Let me let me
pull up a set where people were laughing. Uh, you
(31:24):
guys didn't have a producer that there so crazy that
you just want to take a gun that you originally
had the intention of blowing your own head off, but
then you thought, maybe if you can get your producer
to give you a very tight hug from behind, and
when you blew your head off, you can blow his
(31:45):
at the same time. Oh sorry, Jesus, sorry boo. Is
that it's the same guy, right? Which one? The guy
keeps blowing you, he like keeps coming back to watch
you and you knew my name. Yeah, I'm just getting bad.
We have where when they asked you to come back
and headline. No, true Haating is really hard when you're
(32:05):
hosting a show. You you do as you talk about
good events. I'm not done yet. I've been trying to
lose weight. Yeah, it's kind of hard, especially during a
time when you're just constantly hosting a show and your
producers checks you out so much. Sorry, why are you
doing this? We're friends? So that set didn't go very well.
(32:28):
That guy, oh he did his own set and I
have a tape from that. He booked on the show.
Or was the open mic? This is open make baby
all right? You got the headline and open mic? Yeah, okay, cool.
They're typically open makes you do five minutes and then
when your headline you do eight. This must be a
Flappers thing. It's the real life baby. Yeah. High great,
(32:51):
great looking crowd here. I love this guy. Oh good, okay,
so um, you know one of the great things about
being able to you show with your with your best
friend in the world. I don't know if he was
laughing at yeah at the at the fact that he
anyway said, I thought he was my friend. But so,
(33:12):
what's the most what's the most gratuitous offense that you
found during COVID comedy? You know, there are people who
are doing open mics indoors in their apartment throughout the
whole time. Can you names and names that? That was like?
And I personally felt like, I have this platform, it's
been around for over a decade and people trust it.
(33:34):
And I felt like I had a whole line at
some point, especially because you know, comedians often are dumb
and so like if you, yeah, if you tell them that, like, hey,
you know, this is what the city or the county says,
but I say it's fine, then they're just gonna go
run off with that. And I didn't want to feel
responsible for that. Little cowboys with microphones and holsters, well
(33:58):
they think that they're cowboys, but they're they're so not.
But they they're not in desperadoes with microphones and holsters, right,
which is just really just a microphone inside of a bucket, right.
You know, we actually have in the archives an old
episode of of comedy Desperado. Do you remember that show
when I was on? No, I don't think I have
(34:18):
any It's like back back in like, it's like back
in the fifties stand up comic and they were they
were cowboys, like the stand up comedies that were cowboys.
I guess you want to hear that. I would love
to hear that. I kind of already know what it
sounds like. But here goes for what is the deal
(34:38):
with women? It is like to the show the Rights.
If you get through the races, that's pretty bad. It's
pretty bad. Cowboy comedy didn't age. Well, that's what you're
telling me. Public comedy would have been canceled on Twitter
within five minutes of debuting, but it would have done
very well on Parlor and Getter and and YouTube, and
it would just it would have crushed the desk quad community.
(34:59):
They would have I don't know if you heard of
those guys that that that and he's a huge fit
and that and Legion's skanks? Is that what you're referencing to?
Who are you calling a legion of skanks? You know
we actually have a clip of that. We don't. We
really don't. After all that, you really don't have a
couple of this one. So where are you from? Well?
(35:20):
I was born in the Philippines, so nice, and you know,
funny enough. I actually am really adopted. I'm saying, no,
this is really fun. I know that it was in
the it was in the bio, but it escaped me.
You're so frustrated with your producer. Escaped you? Did I
tell you this? Yeah, yeah, it did escape me. You know,
(35:42):
dictates life and the life dictates the art. I think
it was anything that you need to want to plug
we talk about. I know that I heard the website.
It's getting a new revamp. It's getting a new revamp, yes,
and a couple of months. So the way it is
now is not the revamp. No, it got revamped before COVID,
and it was. It was really great and then it
(36:04):
became kind of useless because everything was virtual. But then
the cool thing about that was I got to cover
comedy globally, like because if as long as you get
the right time zone, um, you could like just watch
shows in English. I mean, albeit it was on zoom
or whatever around the world. So it's getting revamped, and uh,
(36:24):
I'm going to celebrate the tenth and eleventh year anniversary
at the end of October. Hopefully it's in the works.
I didn't celebrate ten years last year, um, because doing
that on zoom would be I think inappropriate. And also
got appendence that is that week and almost died, so yeah,
I didn't do anything uh that week and um yeah,
(36:45):
so I postponed that and just you know, kind of
was hoping for doing like a ten and eleven year
double anniversary and if I get my druthers about it,
I'll like, you know, we'll see what happens. But I
would love to do a simultaneous show in l A
and York. So like a show in l A at
a p m and New York at eleven PM at
like a different venue, and maybe I could like zoom
(37:06):
into the other one. Which one will you be at live?
Probably the l A one, and then you're just gonna
zoom into the New York one, but maybe they have
it on different days than I go to both. Maybe
you have a T show, uh huh, it's a regular basis.
I'm going to get a TV show between now and
the end of October, and hey, if you can make
that happen please, that'd be lovely. And it was some
(37:28):
people We actually have you think about it the archives.
What do we have of you pitching? Yeah, a show,
A TV show me Yeah, we actually have that. You
meeting with the producers to you want to healk about
it quick. We found what we recorded it with, as
you permission, the opposite of archives in the future. It's
(37:49):
in the future of that show being packed. Wait he
does not by Christopher. No, then here's the future audio clip.
All right, so let me see if I get this straight.
Your pitch for your idea for your show is you
slowly drive by comedy clubs to see if there's some
sort of COVID violation. That's a picture you did when
(38:12):
you're on the East Coast. I'm gonna see what I'm
gonna find the pitch you did in the West coast
for the Hollywood types. Hey, babe to talk to me.
Did you know that's not That's not what he would
sound like, more like are you? And it was just
changed that the guy I think your pitching too voice
said he was I think he was an actor and
he was rehearsing. He was running his own lines for
(38:34):
what he would be doing. Also, maybe he caught himself like, wait,
do we say babe anymore? Is that politically correct? The
eighties that we're going forward in time, we can continue
playing it. Yeah, no, I wonder to see where discuses
red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. Okay, so
let's see. Let me see if excuse me, let me
see if I get this straight. Babe were using babe
(38:56):
and then gender neutral sense. I don't know what's gonna
not give me? Kids, Why don't you just not say it?
Because it was really not too far in the future,
maybe like a month a month. Yeah, if I'm going
to get a TV show before the anniversary, yeah, it's
probably like probably it's from from December or something. All right, Well,
I'm excited. It's a great website. You can find out
(39:19):
all the shows that are playing live in l A
and New York, LA and New York and virtually everywhere
and virtually everywhere, And there's spots for open mics people
who want to work out their demons, right, and that
includes improv jams too. Are the improv jams back in
New York? They are in l A and not yet
really where in New York are they? The pit mainly?
(39:40):
But is it pit open again? Yeah? What else? There's
another one I just can't think of at the top
of my head. They're open Miccine is a mess. Yeah, Jacob, Jacob.
H I think I called you Jacob once you get
very mad at me. Yeah, it's very it's too proper
for men. Sorry, Jake, you call him Chrissy chris see
or can I tell you my birth name as an
(40:00):
adopted person? No, it's Fausto. Yeah, wish do you like
the best? I think fauster fits my style as it does.
But I feel like I saw you working towards me.
I would say it's a Fausto, right, not a Jake.
I'm I'm I'm contending with it. It feels weird. Hannah,
I'm binder exclusively almost calls me Falsto, and so would I. Okay, fine,
(40:20):
I give I grant you permissioner. It's so dramatic that name,
Fausto Kroger. It's been a pleasure. Thanks for having me,
all right, you're welcome. Coming up Act three the first
A word from our sponsors who make this high quality
program possible. Stay with us at three. He's a good friend.
(40:52):
Brought him his favorite cookie, Crisp Cereal, but we got
to get the milk. It was a common thing she
would do. It's with a very nice gesture, getting him
a serial He liked the beer he wanted, or the
sandwiches he was craving. But you'd always forget a certain element,
the lunch meat, Brandon beer in this case, milk. No,
(41:14):
it's fine, it's fine. I'll still eat it. It's fine,
don't worry about it. Are you sure it's it's fine.
I'll just I'll eat it the way it's not. I'll
do it. I'll get what you want, get you the
right stuff. I thought you said you weren't going to
talk to her anymore? Why are you wasting some time
with her? She's always bringing you the wrong stuff. But
I'm always here for you. Where's she right here, right now?
(41:35):
Ready to go? I'm ready to go? Where? How much
longer the store? How much longer is your sister gonna
be staying with us? Can you not see that she's
going through a hard time? I get it? But why
just because this just puts me in an uncomfortable position?
How do you think it makes me feel? I'm not great?
I'm sure. Maybe maybe I'm forgetting the milk because she's
(41:57):
into you. Maybe that's what's on my mind. Maybe that's
why I'm so indy you because she forgets the milk
I'm so andy you she brings you a sandwich, you'd
no fucking lunch meat? Cheryl, can you just listen to yourself?
Oh wow, Darling, listen to myself. I can hear myself
speaking to myself right now. You can hear are you listening? Griam?
(42:23):
Thank you for for making disappointment Darlene and Cheryl disappointment.
Darlene touched Nave. I'm as you know, Dr Rebba Flavin,
So why don't you tell me? Is it Riboflavin or
Rebbe Flavin? He just said, Dr Jesus, this can't be
(42:46):
the whole session. My name doesn't really matter. What really
matters is what is going on between the two of
your sisters. I'm sorry, I'll take it. So why don't you,
Darlene tell me why Cheryl's behavior? I'm really sorry. It's
robot Floff. Okay, Yeah, that's what I say. You're not
okay with Dr RoboCop? No, okay not If he was RoboCop,
(43:09):
that would be nice, It would be that'd be so different. Yeah,
well it would also not be my name. You're gonna
go through therapy dead or alive? No, no, no no, it's
something like that. Don't you think you would have more
thory as a doctor RoboCop. I think so, But then
the story would be so dynamic. Alright, I admit that
that would be pretty awesome if my name was Dr RoboCop.
(43:30):
But unfortunately my adoptive parents their last name was RoboCop,
but that chose to let me keep my last name.
At that moment, Dadin found her calling. She was gonna
go pitch West Hollywood produced an idea of RoboCop therapists.
So that what you got it, give me the pitch,
Give it to me straight, give it to me good,
give it to me hard. So basically it's RoboCop, but
(43:53):
he's the therapist. So let's say at least like a therapist.
I actually shot some I want to show you. So
in this scene, the therapist is like there with some
bad bad uh you know, patience clients. And then they
shoot him up and he's like uhnn. And then and
then they take him to the hospital and they're like,
we gotta be s dead and they say there's a
(44:15):
new program. We're gonna give a spotty part. This is
the log line. You're you're just giving me an entire
scenes here. You know this movie and then I said,
we're gonna with some parts, so you're getting the role
on the parts of robotic. And then he gets put
it back together and then he's the therapist robs therapistubble babe.
It's sweet, Hits. I gotta tell you, there's no the
(44:35):
reason for me to watch the clip now because you
basically think I think you should watch clip here. It did.
Let me pause that, so let me tell you what
the scene is again, and then I want to play it. Yeah, okay.
In this scene, the therapist has patience. They're like bad
guys and they shoot him up here and then it
(44:56):
goes to hospital and they're like, we'll do them. They're
gonna post them some robot robot part right here's that scene,
taking your own result issues with your mother. I think
I picked the wrong thing because it's not a robot. Yeah, yeah,
I know. So why don't you go back to the
scene that you're talking about? You keep scenes. This is
(45:16):
the part right here, right here here it is. I
think your issues of codependence are routed. Didn't need that
was the wrong take because the actor I told him,
you're not going to do the robot voice until you
become a robot fucking idiots. I had to tell h
a hundred times, you know how many times to tell
him he's did not listen. Yeah, I get it. Yeah,
it sounds like, let me just find that sounds like
(45:38):
operator air. You're you're you're clicking to this scene. I'm stupid.
I don't I put it press button. This is the
end of the film. You skipped ahead to the end
of the movie. I told you, I'm not good with technologies.
I just don't get it. You basically spelled out what
(45:59):
the scene was, and then you didn't even get to
the scene that you're talking about. It seems any my
problem every time, and it sounds to me, actually already
made this movie sod because I don't know. I found
this skuy. He would said. I'm a producer. I said, okay,
what do you produce this? I produces radio show, so
I know what it is like to get some information
and then run with it. I said, are you sure?
(46:20):
Said yes, I'm very good that I do it every
week on Mondays. I said, So I hired him, and
so he came and I say, here's the script. He
looked script. He read it because I wrote it. I
wrote it on paper. He read it said, oh, I understand.
And in this scene, and he asked for notes, He said,
what am I feeling here? I said, this thing is
your emotions? He got it? What about this? No? Got it? Okay?
(46:42):
In action, any did with the wanting? So do you
happen to have any footage of that of him doing
whatever he wanted? No? Because I'm here to get money
to reshoot it because I didn't like what I got. Okay, Well,
good news for you, because I loved everything I heard. Yeah,
you say, I really love the footage that I actually heard.
(47:03):
I am willing to give you a budget of four
hundred million dollars to make this film. What's the biggest
budget in Hollywood so far? It's nowhere near that much.
That dwarfs any budget of any movie. Yeah, I don't care.
I like your smile. I like the way you look
at me. I like your face, to like your hips,
(47:25):
to like your body, or like everything about you. Baba,
Come on, tell me your name? On what time? I
think I said it earlier? I forgot. I'm sorry. I
just got your business cards. Somebody gave it to me
at the hotel. I am crand starred crand start rob
flour of m Not too long after that, an article
came out about grand star big time producer being a
(47:49):
very cat like type exchanging favors movies made foot a
million dollars make a movie? Who the hell leads to
this information? Who got this information about me? It couldn't
have been Jake Kroger because it was only one guy
in the room with us, and he wasn't wearing a hat,
So I don't think it was how Jake, No, it's Jake?
(48:13):
Is that you know it's not me? Jake? No? But
this pork by hat on No, Jake doesn't own proke
by hats. I don't know. I think you How would
I know I'm not Jake Roger? Oh? Yeah, that's true.
So you were saying, right, you're off the hook that
I'm saying, I'm pissed my career is really best for
you to Dude, I'm more pissed than you are. You're
(48:34):
not really showing how pissed you are. I spent four
rimllion dollars trying to let cook up with some chick
when you could just hired a professional for like a
thousand bucks or something. I don't know how was it
called because when you're playing with casino money, you spend
it all. You don't play with your own money. This
was the studio's money. Still a lot of money, dude,
Do you understand pricing? Wait? You aren't? Yeah? Why why
(48:55):
would you say that? Because you were standing behind that
lamp just now and the lampshade kind of looked like
a hat on your head. Didn't know? What do you
know what hats look like? It's a good question. I've
never seen war before. What what? What? Why? Is that
a good question? I don't want to, dude, because someone
a good question comes from him. What is your name?
It's you look like a friend of mine, Baustian, Boustian friend?
(49:23):
Remember his name? I wouldn't know what's his name? Bouston? Fouston, Boston.
He looks at Fouston, doesn't he? Bouston sounds like a
good guy. You should trust a Bouston. Oh, I gotta
pitch for you. Okay, okay, check us out. So it's
guying him Fauston right, and um, he's got an alter ego,
dude who goes in and like swoops in like fixes
(49:46):
things that are going on wrong in the comedy community.
That guy's name is Jake, but nobody knows like it
was like, why is Jake and Fauston never in the
same room at the same time? And he busts comedians
for do who are doing bad things during not necessarily
bad things, like he's like, we're behaving, you're responsibly. Yeah,
(50:06):
like during like I don't know, like and I don't
name a thing. I don't know. I'll just pick something
out of their pandemic something like that. Okay, yeah, how
much you can move for it? I hate to low
ball you, but three million? What do I have to do?
Who do for that? You know? Bab touch? All I
(50:31):
have to do is touch tongues. This is a part
of the meeting where we spiting each other's mouth Come on, fastings.
It's fine. Wait not Jake? Are you am? I wearing
a hat? Not yet? Where this hat? After? How about
this hat? Because it is Jake? Yeah, Jake. So you
guys want to get back to spinding each other's mouths
and sucking and sucking Andy and especially guess contributing Krger
(51:00):
means sorry, yeah, sorry, what did I say? He said
bousting because he couldn't remember about sorry it would you Andy?
Especially guests contributor that was still clog, I'm your story
and this was This is Americans Live and the next time.
This is Americans Live can be found wherever you get
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(51:22):
can also find This is Americans Live on Instagram at
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Portions of This is Americans Live, the improvised documentary podcast,
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and the all powerful, all knowing Random Sentence Generator, which
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random sentence provided by our revered, omnipotent random sentence Generator.
(00:23):
For more This is Americans Live. Listened to more episodes
of This is Americans Live. I guess and now your
first random sentence. Smokey the Bear secretly started the fires.
(00:44):
For years he was promoting the fact that fires were
accidental or maybe a product of negligence at old campaign
based on it. But we really knew that Smoky out
of his own fires a little bit of a secret arsonists.
I mean, without fires, you don't really have a smoky
And remember, kids older, you can prevent forest fire. Yeah,
(01:08):
but what if you're the one who I mean, why
do you have matches? I'm just asking why do you
have matches? Because you see the matches, don't you. I
see the matches for shure. I brought this with me
to show you the dangerous items that could be ignited,
and why you should stay away from these matches. So
why there's so many matches because because there's so many
(01:30):
of you, one match for each child. Wait, do you
want to give us all matches when we're not supposed
to start fires? Yes? I want to hand you the matches.
I want you to see what a fire looks like
and how scary. Then alright, alright, thank you so much kids.
This session or whatever it is, this is gonna be over.
Mr Ball. We have some questions for you. Please please.
(01:50):
Mr Barrow was my father's name. You can call me Smoke,
Mr Smoky. This is my partner, Mr Kingdom. Hello, we're investigators.
We would like to ask you some questions and if
you want to look at my credentials. Wow, yeah, she
very official. The very real versions are the ones that
you carried out a fake? No, these are totally real.
(02:11):
And you come down town and tell us a person
when we go and smoke them car and it's called
a Smokey the Bear car. Yeah, Smoky the Bear car.
Is it labeled the Smoky the Bear Car? Yeah? On
the side I had I had somebody, we would prefer
to take you in our own car. If that's okay
with you, sir. That's kind of have this work. It's
kind of how this works. Don't make this cuff in
(02:31):
front of the kids. All right, I'll play along, but
I can't imagine. What do you think I could have
done wrong? Let me just can I imp you have
my pockets place? Let me just put these matchress over here,
and we put the stip block bag full of gasoline
over here. To say, just put my blow torch over here.
He was passing through his own crimes. And the thing
(02:51):
he knew he was smoky the bear car taking up show.
But you don't ask me about the fires. Oh, don't
load a marshal. I think he's taking off at the
end of the day. He was just a big fet there.
(03:12):
So he didn't get his The agents caught up with
and the handcuffed him and they took him in for questioning,
and they brought him some coffee and then some honey,
and then they said, and then they asked me a question.
It sucks when somebody keeps tucking over. It's not great,
all right. I don't have to say anything to you,
cop smart until my lawyer were fire investigative agents respect
(03:36):
the bade okay, fired, Well, don't if you want to
see the badge again? Yeah, sure him the badge again.
Apparently he needs to see it right air, right air.
That one look so fresh. All I want to see.
Here's a gun. Fuck you tell us what his matches?
This gas can and what else did you pull out?
You were saying it out loud, dummy, ziplock bag? Yeah,
ziplock bag of gasoline, by the way, thumbest way to
(03:56):
carry gasoline. Right, well, I love my gas can full
of gasoline in the wards. After I dumped it out,
I forgot to bring it with back up. You did
what again? You dumped the gas can? What the wards?
Why would you do that? Missed the bear because I
was going to show everyone how dangerous and scary forest
(04:20):
fires are. Trial by fire literally at that point, you know,
realize that Smoky wasn't necessarily a niceness but an accidental
fire starter. The fires originated from him were chapping what
not to do with kids? Literally, you know that he
was starting the fires that he desperately wanted to stop.
You don't understand I'm doing the Lord's work. I'm doing
a public service. How are people supposed to know how
(04:43):
to avoid the thing that they don't even know what
it looks. What doesn't matter you you started these fires,
and then you come in and and then you you know,
you say not to do it, but then you do
it accidentally after it doesn't matter what booking. You've done
your book and you get your book block. Look look look, look,
look he's the book. Look he's your book. Please your
(05:03):
paws downstair, don't raise your pie. If starting fires intentionally
to teach everybody a lesson is a crime, then by
all means, lock me up and throw away the key.
No worries. You gotta get your mug shuts. First, go
to the next door. Oh yes, sir, mr yeah, you
need to stand straight, yeah, yeah, stand up against the finger,
(05:28):
smile or no, no no, no, no, it's fine sight and
then turn the right and then how much do you wait?
Four pounds? But I'm trying to slim down before my wedding.
Put him in pop, What are you looking for? I
don't know doing? What are you in for? You don't
know what you're in here for? Anything? I know, but
(05:49):
maybe I'm still in child face? What are you? What
is that tattoo? Say in my face? Uncle Charles and
his and the left side. Nephew, Gary, thank you. Now
you know, motherfucker, there's no indication what you are here for.
You're the new meat. You go first, Yeah, go first?
All right? It was a big misunderstanding. Misunderstanding. Huh, big giant,
(06:11):
flaming misunderstanding. I hadn't I was setting fires. You know
what we did with larsinists around here, don't you? What's
your funny bad? Let me guess you shot him on fire.
He wasn't getting along with people with the gin pop
it put him in his own cell, not because nobody
went in the room with him, because he was so
large he only occupied one old table to himself in
(06:33):
the cafeteria. Little did you know that you had a
lot of enemies in prison? Yeah? What you canna do
with that? Honey? What's gonna eat it? What do you
think of it? Why would you be eating my honey pump?
I don't know. Why would you be fucking with a bear?
What are you gonna do? All? You give it a shot? Okay?
(06:58):
I mean I can't molly if I have to ask this,
But does anybody else watch some of the shot? And
at that point he realized he was the shot cut
of the prison. So what are you working for? Whatever
you say? Yeah, yeah, you're in for arson. When I
when I very easily bust out of this prison, you're
gonna help me light a few fires. You're gonna what
(07:20):
are you saying? What are you in for? Yeah? It
was also a misunderstanding. You seem so suck spoken, So
I'd rather I'd rather not. I rather not. What do
you do with? Sounds bad? It's very bad. Okay, Well
your water, take some guss or you want to know,
(07:42):
I'll tell you, but you promise not to deal anybody.
I guess we won't tell anybody. But even if we're doing,
you're kind of already in prison. Yeah, but I'm really okay,
go ahead. I stole a bunch of gasoline and put
it in bunch of black bags, and then that caused
not in the forest, but caused a bunch of life. Wow. Um,
(08:02):
So I'm gonna have one follow up question. How would
you like to bring my girlfriend? Would be lovely? There's
so much in common. Very well, what's up with the
fresh first you mentioned earlier are the first delivery comment.
It was called fresh fish because you know it's like
brand new years, so called fresh fish. That's why they
keep me all on fresh fish. I keep thinking this
(08:31):
is this is American's life. Maybe another story Fast Producer
Andy Especially guest contributor in this episode is Jake Kroeger.
In the show, we'll be using a trustee Sends generator
to bring you a story in three improvised acts. This
week's theme confessions. Sometimes they're good for ust, so sometimes
you can say you free. The times you can just
(08:52):
put you in the slammer with us. Act one as
the rental car road two stop on the dark road.
Or fear increased by the moment, has every moment passed
her fear kept moving up like a barameter of jitters.
(09:16):
I think this is it. I think this is it.
I think this is the place. Are you sure? Yes?
This is the place. Jesus, this is the Ben Breakfast.
He chose to me too. You told me to pick
the place, so I picked the place and I just
looked it up on you know that the Ben Breakfast
that come No, are we very yet? Chris? Please shut up? Yes, please, Chris, Jesus,
(09:40):
I only asked ten times, Jesus, Chris, Chris, your father
and I are having a discussion. Quiet back, stepfather. Doesn't
sound like a discussion, sounds like an argument. Chris, I
found I found it somewhere. I don't know if you
don't want to. It was one of those pages and
and and those little things to tear off for bread back. First, listen,
Dr Roybert, this too. You mean super fucking expensive Dr Roberts,
(10:05):
doctor fucking super fucking expensive. Dr Robert told us to
trust each other. You have to do earmufs again, Yes,
all right, just do you know what? Do airmuffs for
the rest of the trip, please, Chris, My arms are
gonna you tire. Okay, well, then here, take these Take
these pills. Did you like hear mufs for your old body?
You told me not to take just to Chris, you
for other people? Chris can can your your stepfather and I?
(10:28):
Please have a second, please all right, just give me
the earmuffs in there they'll yes, take the airmuffs, take
the noise canceling headphones, take the pills. I can take
the pills. The only kid in the world who actually needs,
like when you tell him, say earmuffs, they need actual
things to put on his fucking really just is unbelievable.
They didn't put the earmuffs on yet, but the Amazon
(10:49):
the noise canceling headphones. Take the pills with the dry
cleaner bag over your head? Do you have something to drink?
I don't like taking pills dry Christ, Chris, your stepfather,
and I gonna have a little brief, little chitty chat. Okay, hey, um,
so what is with this kid not daking the pill? Really?
That's what you want to talk about right now? He
(11:09):
used to be cool? Remember when he used to be
so cool? This is what I'm talking about, Darling. I
don't know what you want to talk about. At one point,
you're really upset about the prod and breakfast. I thought
you want to add a conversation about the bread breakfast,
and then all of a sudden we're talking about Chris
and we'll get when we get to the bed breakfast.
But well, why don't we get to what we're gonna
get too? I'm so sorry. I just didn't expect Chris
to come in here with us. I wish you could
just take some fucking focused pills for once. You're right,
(11:32):
I'm gonna focus. So this place is really scary first, um,
but I'm going to trust you because even though you've
led me a stray countless times. I didn't lead you stray. Really, Yes,
while you were the one who told me to adopt Chris,
you said you wanted a baby. I should I can't
give you a baby. Then what'd you say? They said
I want a puppy? You remember what happened to that thing? Right? Yes?
(11:56):
And then and then I said I want I guess
since we've out of options, I will take literally anything
but a pubescent, annoying boy who won't take pills and
talks during road trip. Most people kidnapped babies, but your
kidnapped the fucking eleven year old. You really didn't want me,
didn't we say to where your mouths? For fox sake?
I can I can read lips and the pills aren't
(12:18):
working yet. This is why you get a baby, because
they're not educated, they don't know anything. This one will
reads lips, you know, like Chris, you know you're right.
We love you very much and we appreciate you. What
are learned? Those pills? But what's in the pills? What
are my pharmacists? I don't know. They quiet, sleepy time
pass sleepy time pills. I take them when I need
to sleep. I give them cue for you to sleep,
or you wanted to put me to sleep. I want
(12:40):
you to just shut up for a minute. That's not
the same as sleeping, though. Can we just talk about
our relationship here, because I just feel like, let's say,
for example, somebody happy lostening into our conversation, what are
you gonna realize about our relationship? Yeah, okay, I guess you.
You make a good point. Okay, look, you know a
family meeting. Take the bag off your head and take
the air moths off. That's and I decided to cut
(13:00):
him off. Can just start talking. I wanted him to
know what I felt like. Maybe maybe it wasn't really
about his story. Maybe it wasn't about the scene. Did
I do that? Just not? Maybe it was a lesson
that I cut you off just now If I did,
it wasn't Maybe you did times before. Maybe you did
it wasn't on the purfoct weeks before. Sorry, but I
(13:21):
just want to let him know I know I'm watching
and listening. Okay, So family meeting, Take all this stuff off,
take it here, stick your fingering on your throat and
puke out those pills. Take your fingering you could thank you? Okay,
thank you? That hurt alright, family meeting. Yeah, we can
all agree that your stepfather chose this really scary, terrible
(13:43):
place for us to stay. Was it scary or terrible?
You wanted to come all the way to mid CA,
like northern whatever the California area this is we were driving.
I realized didn't book anything, so I stopped the first
laundromat first laundroy maat I one of those little papers,
did ben breakfast at the things to tear this off,
throw it off? Called the people left on the voicemail
and the answering machine stay tell us what your name blah,
(14:05):
but I'm people and go peep and I did it,
and we are I think that we should all just
do a favor and satisfy each other and the listener
and just go into this spooky bed and breakfast and
see what it's like. Okay, I think we should talk
a little bit more. I don't know how is this
supposed to be a family meeting. You just said you're
not my real mom and dad. We're not your biological
(14:27):
mother and father, but we are your adoptive mother and father.
Where I'm sorry that can you show you where the papers?
I want you to prove that you love me, show
me the papers. Well, you're in luck because I always
carry the adoption papers in my biser. Here you go
on the other side of town. The parents talk about
his disappearance. I don't know. I feel like we shoulder.
(14:47):
I could not be more relaxed, am I right? How
nice is it to be able to sit down, turn
on the boo ya and just watch whatever we want,
whatever we want without I'm chiming and telling us, Oh,
I remember he was in that other movie and she
wasn't the other movie directly the movie. Remember, I thought
(15:11):
it was charming when we adopted him, you know what
I mean? And then realizing that this is not gonna work.
I mean they really took I mean the us out.
Talk about bailing us out. I did not care for him.
I think we're happy now. I don't see any reason
to call a search party or even go to look
for him. How long has it been I don't know
what seems like it's only been a couple of days,
(15:32):
but I'm sure it's been years of year. And the
decided to see this is by that school parents said
to talk about the missing baby, Chris, I'm not a
day and do not miss Christopher at all. Well, that
makes one of us, because man, old man, whenever we'd
(15:52):
click on the click clicking click the movie do movie
doube and he'd be watching the move movie pictures with
us and he would say, Hey, that's my but they
need to say girls and mar wait wait, turn up
the news, turn turn up. Hey, I think I recognize
that kid. Family and a freend and Breakfast was murdered
(16:14):
by this my young man. Authorities are start trying to
find the identity of this young eleven year old boy.
Kid looks just like her, annoying, but he looks just
like yeah, turn it off, turn up. I think he's
trying to make up the same walleyes. I thought, yes,
I get it. Turn it up. The same face looks
like somebody like God must please? Can you please turn
up the movie too. We cooked it so it drowns
(16:34):
out the sound of your insults. I'm gonna turn it
to the channel. Well, this is a new news person.
Let's see what they have to lives with the seed.
You're really spooky, but Breakfast where a young man rescued? Though,
where are you man? Sorry, let's roll tape, roll back,
We're live oh ship, sorry, we're live chance, guys, some
pipe made Welcome back to scary spooky news. Yeah, I'll
(16:58):
go live to the bed and breakfas where a young
man name Chris Tupper has murdered his entire family and
the owners of the Bend Breakfast. I was not really
that spooky inside. I'm not sure I say his name right.
Let me because in one of those names, wilcome back
to the broadcast. We don't go live to a been
(17:22):
breakfast that if they would have actually gotten out and
walked inside and looked after ben breakfast, I would have
seen that it wasn't that spooky after all, and it
was much to do about nothing. We had a man
murdered his adoptive parents. Um, do we have the name
of this young man? Oh? Yes, his name is Christopher
Christopher Lemon, Chris Clements, Chris Chrissie Clemmons. And the only
(17:45):
reason why I know that that's his name is because
witnesses overheard a couple screaming out, please adoptive son Christopher
Clemens stopped hitting us with that hatchet. Physic Clemmons and
himself in an interrogation room with do detective wanted to
know what happened to the family he arrived with at
the bed breakfast but ended up inces alright, Christian, my
(18:07):
partner is gonna come in in a second. He's not
anywhere near as nice as I as nice as I am,
how are you today? I'm a little shaken up. Don't
be shaken you know, so let's talk about them. I
have these these pills that might adopted father wanted to
give to me to make me go and sleepy, But
(18:27):
I don't know should I take those right now? Let
me consult with my proner. What's problem? You're supposed to
be mean? Why? Why are you being so nice? That guy?
I told him I preloaded I saying that you you
were gonna be mean. I didn't hear it. You come
in here, like, why don't you tell me how you
feel about the saying is crying to chack about it?
It's not taking you seriously asked him about the mitas.
(18:47):
For Christ's sake, You guys fight like my adopted parents.
What you didn't want to worry home? You jed watch
you can tell me? Tell both of us? So, yeah,
you can tell both of us. You want him to leave?
No tell us, sir, are my part he's gonna give
you a pomel, and I like saying I should never seen.
I will pummel your fucking face. I just want everybody
to get along. If I promise that we're going to
(19:09):
get along, do you promise to tell us what happened
to these two people? I promise they were my adoptive parents.
But then right before the thing happened, they said they
weren't my parents, and then that's what set you off.
I'm sorry, well, the thing that happened, but ask them
what the thing was that happened. We have to get along.
You know what, Christopher, if you don't mind, put their
(19:29):
mason and put these noise canceling headphones on. Not any
no more in your mouth. These are the noise canceling
headphones we found you with. I think you, I think
it's okay. If you were, please put the dry cliner
bag over you. I'm getting triggered. I don't want to
do that. Just get along. Please be sidebar with my partner.
I watched a really good You'd have to telling the
water a little bit when you said you're gonna kick
your what having you said? You're always telling me how
(19:52):
to interrogate our our, our purpose. It's not fair. I
went through the academy too, you know. Yeh. We both
were to successions with dr Ropetski and Young. She said,
in order to be more effective partners, we should make
clear expectations of the other partner. Now, I like, I
feel like I'm a very good partner. I feel like
(20:15):
I do. I do follow the expectations that you lay
out for me. However, you seem to change them on
a dime. What are you talking about? One? You're not
very consistent about what you want from me. At the top,
I was telling him, sound like you're getting along less No, no, what, God, God,
what are you working out? Okay, we'll see. That's the
volume where it sounds like you were getting Yeah. No,
(20:35):
everything's gonna be fine. Your voice even and even even
her own purp recognizes that just lower your voice. Maybe
we could have some kind of consensus on happened. Let's right,
let's do it. Let's do it. Here we go and
break all right, Christopher. So so here's the deal. Look,
I don't want to throw you in prision. Neither do I.
(20:55):
I don't want to, but I'm afraid quishy that unless
you admit that you had to your fucking step parents
to pieces. I swear to God, I am gonna slam
your stupid Sorry, why don't you call me Chrissie. It's
a sword for Christopher, for Christopher. Am I bringing a
(21:18):
Christie energy to this. If you want to be called
Chris or Christopher, we will call you Christoper, Christopher. Okay, yeah,
we'll call you whatever you want. I mean to me,
you have Christophers. I believe him. I don't believe you.
It feels like you're just going along with what he
says because you want to go home, Chris, my boy, Christopher.
(21:38):
He feels just as much for you as I do.
Really he does. Yes, look at him? Yeah, look at
his red face. That seems like it's red for a
different voice. Because the was so much damn love for you, Christopher,
And I really just want us to work out for you.
And if you don't, God damn tell me you killed
(22:02):
these poor people. I'm gonna not paint this wall red
with your blood from your skull. God it hurts white Chris.
They created a new parental dynamic amongst the two detectives
in himself. Because Chris never confessed, they ended up in
this hatt and mouse of where the rooms called interrogation
(22:25):
room in derogation for months and months alrighthippopotamus, I know
what you stole out? Car stop from one minute? It's
a call back to the first thing by why had
I mean had a bear talking and he was in
prison that one second? Do you understand my problem? I'm
always adding with the producer, you know, Yeah, it's says constant,
(22:50):
no focus, consily like randomly bringing things into the parade
that don't hold on. This is what I'm talking about. Yeah,
you know, you know, And I feel like kind of
like a son in a way watching two parents. Yeah,
I'm really I'm really sorry. Can we can like that?
The guests? Can we just have Can you put these
ramus on for a second? Do you want me to
(23:14):
put it? You want me to put your mouths over headphone?
Can you actually can you take off the headphone so
so you can't hear what we're saying on the mic,
and so take you off. But we dr ribe Flavan
already went over this with us, and it's pronounced lavine.
It's not no, it's an entire session was dedicated to
(23:35):
the pronunciation of his name, and we we came to
the agreement that is rabelavin isn't matter? Is that I'm
really sorry that you have to hear all that, but
it's it's it's a grilling problem. At some point I
had to say something about because if I didn't, you
would just keep continuing with all this bullshit. Would it
be okay with you? Can we at least agree that
(23:56):
we should move on to Act too, because this is
as good as Act one is going to get, because
there's nowhere else to go from here. Coming up at
to the first the word from our esteemed sponsors stay
with us at you interview, especially guess Jake Broger are
(24:32):
you today, Jake, I'm doing I'm doing all right. How
about you gonna be weird transition? Right, Yeah, let'stency bet
bets based in honesty. I've been doing the show with
Andy for the past five years that I had another
producer who you know from Intensive Purposes, you know died died.
(24:52):
How did he die for dens and purpose for all
for all intents and purposes died? Could say that he did,
let's just say it kind of died behind it that
it doesn't matter anyways, we actually have we don't we
don't have we have that some footage of that first producer? Yeah,
it's it's fine. That is being all right. Yeah, this
(25:13):
is from the third producer, which is two producers before Andy.
All right, are you we're almost ready to start rolling? Um?
Are you ready? Are you ready to start rolling? And
appreciate it if maybe you just have an organic started.
I'm constantly asking me if I'm ready. I'm really sorry,
I'm really sorry. Okay, So we're gonna start rolling here
(25:35):
in a little in a minute. So did you see
the problem my head with the producer? Yeah, aggravating. Yeah,
I was hop I was hoping we'd have footage of
how he died. If there, but that's that's the one
that died. It went right before you. Oh yeah, can
worry what happened to that one? Yeah? Oh he just
died ll intense and purposes? What does what does that mean?
(25:58):
In a legal sense? Sorry, for all intensive purposes? He
kind of died because he was a robot. He's right
out of batteries and well, yeah, I don't want to
do that robot. No, there's no robot, and I can't
tell you what I mean. No, I would like want
to hear that I would like to hear that producer dying.
All right, glory and his double s time to start roll? Like,
(26:20):
are you ready, producer? About three thousands ready? Yes, I
know it's sticking out of the wall. Oh it really
was a robot. Yeah. The production company here, the radio station,
decided to get me an automated producer because I just
wasn't getting along with all the producers. I reached out
(26:42):
to you because your father was my first producer, right,
and if you remember to him, if I remember my father, yeah,
I played the last day. He was okay, alright, sorry,
um ready to roll? And I think it's his time,
by the ways. By ways. But I've been doing such
a good job. And how long you've been doing here?
(27:03):
For six hours and everything comes to an end, Well,
you better promised me something. You would better not mistreat
my son the way that you've been mistreating me for
these six hours. I'm not gonna keep you on board
just because he told me your wife's pregnant and then
you have this son coming. I haven't even met the kid.
I probably never will. And they don't give a ship
(27:23):
if we're not gonna live for He used to talk
about you a lot. Actually, Oh, yeah, will you say
you probably rambling like you What does that mean? If
his family crest is like a microphone? It is you've
seen it. Yeah, it's glorious. It's a microphone. And then
there's a silout of a man. It is like this,
he has one hand. Is a year a microphone? Yeah,
(27:43):
And and then there's like an olive branch underneath all
that it's not that's actually an excell cable. It goes
right to the mic. Just a green act all our cable. Yes, okay,
uh so, so why don't we hear a little bit
about our guests here? Yeah? So tell us see you from?
What do you do? How do we know each other?
But how do we know? How do we know of you?
(28:05):
Uh So, my name's Jake Roger. Uh. I created a
thing called the Comedy Bureau back in two thousand and ten.
That's you investigate comedy. What does that mean? You know?
I I used to be a name that was just
kind of fun, but uh you know, it's an l
a comedy news resource institution that recently expanded in New York.
(28:26):
But in in the time of COVID, I've actually gotten
to do investigating quote unquote no ship yeah, like people
would tell me about an open mic in person that
they were doing at a very uh, let's say, bad
time to do that, and I would go in my
car and just spy from my car if they were
(28:46):
being safe to see you do you mean like like
COVID wise, Yeah, COVID wise and they weren't. So what
did you do when you saw that they weren't being safe?
And what were they doing? Like just kissing each other?
I mean I wouldn't I wouldn't be I wouldn't surprised
if that was what they were doing when I wasn't looking.
How much can you notice from your so were you
wearing my hat? That that? Oddly, that was how I
(29:09):
got to be in disguised by not wearing a hat
because I used to wear a hat all the time
and then I dyed my hair. And so if with
me wearing a mask or a bandana and then not
having a hat, people don't know who I know. We
we actually, by the way, we actually have because you
asked what was going on in there, we actually have
in the archives what was going on and saide that
(29:31):
was recording the set sents. So this might actually be
helpful for you. You can actually have this this footage
if you want it. Commure like, give me look, I
want to tell you some choke. Let's touch tongues. So hey,
so what is the deal with the guys? Excuse me?
(29:53):
That is that Chekroger from comedy? No, it's not. Now
he doesn't have a hat on doesn't a hat on him? Hey?
So so I'm working at this bit. Hey, hey, work
on this bit and working on this bit. Yeah, I'm
working on this bit. Is about dating? Which one the
one that you fart in my mouth and I phone yours? No, no,
it's no. It's the one where you you shipped in
my mouth and then I fart in your eyes and
then I lick my own. Are you going to actually
(30:13):
take O? Do that? I mean? I just saw you
touch tongues. Who are you? Yeah? Who are you you? Oh?
I'm nobody important. Just keep going it. Krueger. No, No,
there's no there's no half. There's no half, there's no cane.
But please continue. Krueger doesn't have blond hair, does he?
I don't know. I would have no idea what his
hair looks like because it's he's always hat How would
I know? Anyways, So dating his heart and alright, and
(30:37):
then you're if you're gonna go through COVID and talk
about dating. Still, all right, I'm gonna book you for that.
You take him to what's jail? Like, just take a
room in your house and you just put them there. No,
I take them and I put them in the Flappers
you who room forever. I do that room all the time.
(31:01):
I record all my sets. You want to hear one
of my sets? Yeah? I do. Actually, so I have
his producer that us me fucking crazy. It's but it's
really funny. He's so stupid. Oh what, Oh I'm booing.
You are, get off the stage. Let me let me
pull up a set where people were laughing. Uh, you
(31:24):
guys didn't have a producer that there so crazy that
you just want to take a gun that you originally
had the intention of blowing your own head off, but
then you thought, maybe if you can get your producer
to give you a very tight hug from behind, and
when you blew your head off, you can blow his
(31:45):
at the same time. Oh sorry, Jesus, sorry boo. Is
that it's the same guy, right? Which one? The guy
keeps blowing you, he like keeps coming back to watch
you and you knew my name. Yeah, I'm just getting bad.
We have where when they asked you to come back
and headline. No, true Haating is really hard when you're
(32:05):
hosting a show. You you do as you talk about
good events. I'm not done yet. I've been trying to
lose weight. Yeah, it's kind of hard, especially during a
time when you're just constantly hosting a show and your
producers checks you out so much. Sorry, why are you
doing this? We're friends? So that set didn't go very well.
(32:28):
That guy, oh he did his own set and I
have a tape from that. He booked on the show.
Or was the open mic? This is open make baby
all right? You got the headline and open mic? Yeah, okay, cool.
They're typically open makes you do five minutes and then
when your headline you do eight. This must be a
Flappers thing. It's the real life baby. Yeah. High great,
(32:51):
great looking crowd here. I love this guy. Oh good, okay,
so um, you know one of the great things about
being able to you show with your with your best
friend in the world. I don't know if he was
laughing at yeah at the at the fact that he
anyway said, I thought he was my friend. But so,
(33:12):
what's the most what's the most gratuitous offense that you
found during COVID comedy? You know, there are people who
are doing open mics indoors in their apartment throughout the
whole time. Can you names and names that? That was like?
And I personally felt like, I have this platform, it's
been around for over a decade and people trust it.
(33:34):
And I felt like I had a whole line at
some point, especially because you know, comedians often are dumb
and so like if you, yeah, if you tell them that, like, hey,
you know, this is what the city or the county says,
but I say it's fine, then they're just gonna go
run off with that. And I didn't want to feel
responsible for that. Little cowboys with microphones and holsters, well
(33:58):
they think that they're cowboys, but they're they're so not.
But they they're not in desperadoes with microphones and holsters, right,
which is just really just a microphone inside of a bucket, right.
You know, we actually have in the archives an old
episode of of comedy Desperado. Do you remember that show
when I was on? No, I don't think I have
(34:18):
any It's like back back in like, it's like back
in the fifties stand up comic and they were they
were cowboys, like the stand up comedies that were cowboys.
I guess you want to hear that. I would love
to hear that. I kind of already know what it
sounds like. But here goes for what is the deal
(34:38):
with women? It is like to the show the Rights.
If you get through the races, that's pretty bad. It's
pretty bad. Cowboy comedy didn't age. Well, that's what you're
telling me. Public comedy would have been canceled on Twitter
within five minutes of debuting, but it would have done
very well on Parlor and Getter and and YouTube, and
it would just it would have crushed the desk quad community.
(34:59):
They would have I don't know if you heard of
those guys that that that and he's a huge fit
and that and Legion's skanks? Is that what you're referencing to?
Who are you calling a legion of skanks? You know
we actually have a clip of that. We don't. We
really don't. After all that, you really don't have a
couple of this one. So where are you from? Well?
(35:20):
I was born in the Philippines, so nice, and you know,
funny enough. I actually am really adopted. I'm saying, no,
this is really fun. I know that it was in
the it was in the bio, but it escaped me.
You're so frustrated with your producer. Escaped you? Did I
tell you this? Yeah, yeah, it did escape me. You know,
(35:42):
dictates life and the life dictates the art. I think
it was anything that you need to want to plug
we talk about. I know that I heard the website.
It's getting a new revamp. It's getting a new revamp, yes,
and a couple of months. So the way it is
now is not the revamp. No, it got revamped before COVID,
and it was. It was really great and then it
(36:04):
became kind of useless because everything was virtual. But then
the cool thing about that was I got to cover
comedy globally, like because if as long as you get
the right time zone, um, you could like just watch
shows in English. I mean, albeit it was on zoom
or whatever around the world. So it's getting revamped, and uh,
(36:24):
I'm going to celebrate the tenth and eleventh year anniversary
at the end of October. Hopefully it's in the works.
I didn't celebrate ten years last year, um, because doing
that on zoom would be I think inappropriate. And also
got appendence that is that week and almost died, so yeah,
I didn't do anything uh that week and um yeah,
(36:45):
so I postponed that and just you know, kind of
was hoping for doing like a ten and eleven year
double anniversary and if I get my druthers about it,
I'll like, you know, we'll see what happens. But I
would love to do a simultaneous show in l A
and York. So like a show in l A at
a p m and New York at eleven PM at
like a different venue, and maybe I could like zoom
(37:06):
into the other one. Which one will you be at live?
Probably the l A one, and then you're just gonna
zoom into the New York one, but maybe they have
it on different days than I go to both. Maybe
you have a T show, uh huh, it's a regular basis.
I'm going to get a TV show between now and
the end of October, and hey, if you can make
that happen please, that'd be lovely. And it was some
(37:28):
people We actually have you think about it the archives.
What do we have of you pitching? Yeah, a show,
A TV show me Yeah, we actually have that. You
meeting with the producers to you want to healk about
it quick. We found what we recorded it with, as
you permission, the opposite of archives in the future. It's
(37:49):
in the future of that show being packed. Wait he
does not by Christopher. No, then here's the future audio clip.
All right, so let me see if I get this straight.
Your pitch for your idea for your show is you
slowly drive by comedy clubs to see if there's some
sort of COVID violation. That's a picture you did when
(38:12):
you're on the East Coast. I'm gonna see what I'm
gonna find the pitch you did in the West coast
for the Hollywood types. Hey, babe to talk to me.
Did you know that's not That's not what he would
sound like, more like are you? And it was just
changed that the guy I think your pitching too voice
said he was I think he was an actor and
he was rehearsing. He was running his own lines for
(38:34):
what he would be doing. Also, maybe he caught himself like, wait,
do we say babe anymore? Is that politically correct? The
eighties that we're going forward in time, we can continue
playing it. Yeah, no, I wonder to see where discuses
red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. Okay, so
let's see. Let me see if excuse me, let me
see if I get this straight. Babe were using babe
(38:56):
and then gender neutral sense. I don't know what's gonna
not give me? Kids, Why don't you just not say it?
Because it was really not too far in the future,
maybe like a month a month. Yeah, if I'm going
to get a TV show before the anniversary, yeah, it's
probably like probably it's from from December or something. All right, Well,
I'm excited. It's a great website. You can find out
(39:19):
all the shows that are playing live in l A
and New York, LA and New York and virtually everywhere
and virtually everywhere, And there's spots for open mics people
who want to work out their demons, right, and that
includes improv jams too. Are the improv jams back in
New York? They are in l A and not yet
really where in New York are they? The pit mainly?
(39:40):
But is it pit open again? Yeah? What else? There's
another one I just can't think of at the top
of my head. They're open Miccine is a mess. Yeah, Jacob, Jacob.
H I think I called you Jacob once you get
very mad at me. Yeah, it's very it's too proper
for men. Sorry, Jake, you call him Chrissy chris see
or can I tell you my birth name as an
(40:00):
adopted person? No, it's Fausto. Yeah, wish do you like
the best? I think fauster fits my style as it does.
But I feel like I saw you working towards me.
I would say it's a Fausto, right, not a Jake.
I'm I'm I'm contending with it. It feels weird. Hannah,
I'm binder exclusively almost calls me Falsto, and so would I. Okay, fine,
(40:20):
I give I grant you permissioner. It's so dramatic that name,
Fausto Kroger. It's been a pleasure. Thanks for having me,
all right, you're welcome. Coming up Act three the first
A word from our sponsors who make this high quality
program possible. Stay with us at three. He's a good friend.
(40:52):
Brought him his favorite cookie, Crisp Cereal, but we got
to get the milk. It was a common thing she
would do. It's with a very nice gesture, getting him
a serial He liked the beer he wanted, or the
sandwiches he was craving. But you'd always forget a certain element,
the lunch meat, Brandon beer in this case, milk. No,
(41:14):
it's fine, it's fine. I'll still eat it. It's fine,
don't worry about it. Are you sure it's it's fine.
I'll just I'll eat it the way it's not. I'll
do it. I'll get what you want, get you the
right stuff. I thought you said you weren't going to
talk to her anymore? Why are you wasting some time
with her? She's always bringing you the wrong stuff. But
I'm always here for you. Where's she right here, right now?
(41:35):
Ready to go? I'm ready to go? Where? How much
longer the store? How much longer is your sister gonna
be staying with us? Can you not see that she's
going through a hard time? I get it? But why
just because this just puts me in an uncomfortable position?
How do you think it makes me feel? I'm not great?
I'm sure. Maybe maybe I'm forgetting the milk because she's
(41:57):
into you. Maybe that's what's on my mind. Maybe that's
why I'm so indy you because she forgets the milk
I'm so andy you she brings you a sandwich, you'd
no fucking lunch meat? Cheryl, can you just listen to yourself?
Oh wow, Darling, listen to myself. I can hear myself
speaking to myself right now. You can hear are you listening? Griam?
(42:23):
Thank you for for making disappointment Darlene and Cheryl disappointment.
Darlene touched Nave. I'm as you know, Dr Rebba Flavin,
So why don't you tell me? Is it Riboflavin or
Rebbe Flavin? He just said, Dr Jesus, this can't be
(42:46):
the whole session. My name doesn't really matter. What really
matters is what is going on between the two of
your sisters. I'm sorry, I'll take it. So why don't you,
Darlene tell me why Cheryl's behavior? I'm really sorry. It's
robot Floff. Okay, Yeah, that's what I say. You're not
okay with Dr RoboCop? No, okay not If he was RoboCop,
(43:09):
that would be nice, It would be that'd be so different. Yeah,
well it would also not be my name. You're gonna
go through therapy dead or alive? No, no, no no, it's
something like that. Don't you think you would have more
thory as a doctor RoboCop. I think so, But then
the story would be so dynamic. Alright, I admit that
that would be pretty awesome if my name was Dr RoboCop.
(43:30):
But unfortunately my adoptive parents their last name was RoboCop,
but that chose to let me keep my last name.
At that moment, Dadin found her calling. She was gonna
go pitch West Hollywood produced an idea of RoboCop therapists.
So that what you got it, give me the pitch,
Give it to me straight, give it to me good,
give it to me hard. So basically it's RoboCop, but
(43:53):
he's the therapist. So let's say at least like a therapist.
I actually shot some I want to show you. So
in this scene, the therapist is like there with some
bad bad uh you know, patience clients. And then they
shoot him up and he's like uhnn. And then and
then they take him to the hospital and they're like,
we gotta be s dead and they say there's a
(44:15):
new program. We're gonna give a spotty part. This is
the log line. You're you're just giving me an entire
scenes here. You know this movie and then I said,
we're gonna with some parts, so you're getting the role
on the parts of robotic. And then he gets put
it back together and then he's the therapist robs therapistubble babe.
It's sweet, Hits. I gotta tell you, there's no the
(44:35):
reason for me to watch the clip now because you
basically think I think you should watch clip here. It did.
Let me pause that, so let me tell you what
the scene is again, and then I want to play it. Yeah, okay.
In this scene, the therapist has patience. They're like bad
guys and they shoot him up here and then it
(44:56):
goes to hospital and they're like, we'll do them. They're
gonna post them some robot robot part right here's that scene,
taking your own result issues with your mother. I think
I picked the wrong thing because it's not a robot. Yeah, yeah,
I know. So why don't you go back to the
scene that you're talking about? You keep scenes. This is
(45:16):
the part right here, right here here it is. I
think your issues of codependence are routed. Didn't need that
was the wrong take because the actor I told him,
you're not going to do the robot voice until you
become a robot fucking idiots. I had to tell h
a hundred times, you know how many times to tell
him he's did not listen. Yeah, I get it. Yeah,
it sounds like, let me just find that sounds like
(45:38):
operator air. You're you're you're clicking to this scene. I'm stupid.
I don't I put it press button. This is the
end of the film. You skipped ahead to the end
of the movie. I told you, I'm not good with technologies.
I just don't get it. You basically spelled out what
(45:59):
the scene was, and then you didn't even get to
the scene that you're talking about. It seems any my
problem every time, and it sounds to me, actually already
made this movie sod because I don't know. I found
this skuy. He would said. I'm a producer. I said, okay,
what do you produce this? I produces radio show, so
I know what it is like to get some information
and then run with it. I said, are you sure?
(46:20):
Said yes, I'm very good that I do it every
week on Mondays. I said, So I hired him, and
so he came and I say, here's the script. He
looked script. He read it because I wrote it. I
wrote it on paper. He read it said, oh, I understand.
And in this scene, and he asked for notes, He said,
what am I feeling here? I said, this thing is
your emotions? He got it? What about this? No? Got it? Okay?
(46:42):
In action, any did with the wanting? So do you
happen to have any footage of that of him doing
whatever he wanted? No? Because I'm here to get money
to reshoot it because I didn't like what I got. Okay, Well,
good news for you, because I loved everything I heard. Yeah,
you say, I really love the footage that I actually heard.
(47:03):
I am willing to give you a budget of four
hundred million dollars to make this film. What's the biggest
budget in Hollywood so far? It's nowhere near that much.
That dwarfs any budget of any movie. Yeah, I don't care.
I like your smile. I like the way you look
at me. I like your face, to like your hips,
(47:25):
to like your body, or like everything about you. Baba,
Come on, tell me your name? On what time? I
think I said it earlier? I forgot. I'm sorry. I
just got your business cards. Somebody gave it to me
at the hotel. I am crand starred crand start rob
flour of m Not too long after that, an article
came out about grand star big time producer being a
(47:49):
very cat like type exchanging favors movies made foot a
million dollars make a movie? Who the hell leads to
this information? Who got this information about me? It couldn't
have been Jake Kroger because it was only one guy
in the room with us, and he wasn't wearing a hat,
So I don't think it was how Jake, No, it's Jake?
(48:13):
Is that you know it's not me? Jake? No? But
this pork by hat on No, Jake doesn't own proke
by hats. I don't know. I think you How would
I know I'm not Jake Roger? Oh? Yeah, that's true.
So you were saying, right, you're off the hook that
I'm saying, I'm pissed my career is really best for
you to Dude, I'm more pissed than you are. You're
(48:34):
not really showing how pissed you are. I spent four
rimllion dollars trying to let cook up with some chick
when you could just hired a professional for like a
thousand bucks or something. I don't know how was it
called because when you're playing with casino money, you spend
it all. You don't play with your own money. This
was the studio's money. Still a lot of money, dude,
Do you understand pricing? Wait? You aren't? Yeah? Why why
(48:55):
would you say that? Because you were standing behind that
lamp just now and the lampshade kind of looked like
a hat on your head. Didn't know? What do you
know what hats look like? It's a good question. I've
never seen war before. What what? What? Why? Is that
a good question? I don't want to, dude, because someone
a good question comes from him. What is your name?
It's you look like a friend of mine, Baustian, Boustian friend?
(49:23):
Remember his name? I wouldn't know what's his name? Bouston? Fouston, Boston.
He looks at Fouston, doesn't he? Bouston sounds like a
good guy. You should trust a Bouston. Oh, I gotta
pitch for you. Okay, okay, check us out. So it's
guying him Fauston right, and um, he's got an alter ego,
dude who goes in and like swoops in like fixes
(49:46):
things that are going on wrong in the comedy community.
That guy's name is Jake, but nobody knows like it
was like, why is Jake and Fauston never in the
same room at the same time? And he busts comedians
for do who are doing bad things during not necessarily
bad things, like he's like, we're behaving, you're responsibly. Yeah,
(50:06):
like during like I don't know, like and I don't
name a thing. I don't know. I'll just pick something
out of their pandemic something like that. Okay, yeah, how
much you can move for it? I hate to low
ball you, but three million? What do I have to do?
Who do for that? You know? Bab touch? All I
(50:31):
have to do is touch tongues. This is a part
of the meeting where we spiting each other's mouth Come on, fastings.
It's fine. Wait not Jake? Are you am? I wearing
a hat? Not yet? Where this hat? After? How about
this hat? Because it is Jake? Yeah, Jake. So you
guys want to get back to spinding each other's mouths
and sucking and sucking Andy and especially guess contributing Krger
(51:00):
means sorry, yeah, sorry, what did I say? He said
bousting because he couldn't remember about sorry it would you Andy?
Especially guests contributor that was still clog, I'm your story
and this was This is Americans Live and the next time.
This is Americans Live can be found wherever you get
your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate, and review. You
(51:22):
can also find This is Americans Live on Instagram at
this is americans Live and on Twitter at Americans Live.
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