January 10, 2022 • 48 mins
This week’s theme: “Strategy.” A pair of ad execs play hardball, a step-daughter has trouble facing reality, and two fisherman can’t get any nibbles.
Special Guest Contributor Amanda Sitko is an actress, writer and longtime improviser. You may have seen her onstage at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Her writing credits include “Brockmire” and “Mother Mary.”
IG: @sitko
Twitter: @AmandaSitko
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Portions of This American Laugh with Aristotle Attari and Andy Harris.
The improvised documentary podcast are brought to you by listeners
like yourself, are esteemed sponsors, and the all powerful, all
knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about
to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next
sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our
(00:21):
revered omnipotent Random Sentence Generator or more This American Laugh.
Listened to more episodes of This American Laugh. I guess
and now your first random sentence. He played the game
as if his life depended on it, and the truth was,
and it did. It's kind of a rich man poor
(00:46):
man's game, a little bit like Hard Target with John
glad pan Damn, where he had to survive as a
rich man hunted him. But this was a different kind
of game. This was more of a corporate style hunting game.
I've brought you here today to see if you would
like to buy thirty seconds worth of advertising time on
late night TV, and we think your company would benefit
(01:08):
from it. Okay, yeah, okay, okay, guys, I like yourself,
I'm gonna ask you a question flat out, Are you
guys on coke? No? Well, no, no, no, do you
have coke while you're asking? Or or what can I ask?
Do you have coke? And that's why I'm asking. The
answer is no, we are not on coke right this second,
(01:31):
the second. Okay, Yes, we work hard. We play hard
at Peco. Okay, okay, work hard, play hard. Hard. Let's
not get into those lawsuits. So what I'm saying is,
if you guys want to run with the big dogs, yeah,
you got to bring the big dog food. Okay, Okay,
we can offer you the afternoon day part now because
(01:52):
it's late night TV. Fuck heyck blow blowing it. He's
trying to tell something. What I'm saying is is if
I go to the bathroom right now and I come
back and there's cocaine on this table, we've got a deal.
Oh ship, that's a good thing. Okay, I'm sorry. I
think I'm trying to be extremely clear. Let me be
explicitly clear here. I like cocaine. If you bring me cocaine,
(02:17):
we will work together. Okay. So what you're saying is
if we if we take the contracts and we we
roll them, then you'll get then you'll du what is it?
I'm not No, it's not a metaphor. Guys. Listen, I'm
going to walk out that door. I'm gonna go take
(02:37):
a piss. Hey guys, Hey guys, Hey guys. We don't
play by the same rules everyone else does. All right,
we're Petco. We make the rules. So what I want
you guys to do is produce a little cocaine on
this table so I can have a good time. We
(02:58):
can sign some paper work whatever y'all need, and we'll
work together. Okay, I think we got it figured out. Okay, okay,
all right, do you need me to leave back there
to the letter right, I'll be back. Okay, it takes
me a good five minutes to five minutes, alright, circle
back and five. You know, what the fun is she
(03:19):
talking about? How do you have cocaine? I'm having trouble
understanding what it is that she wants. She wants me
to put my cocaine on the on the table, the
table representing the overall deal that is ped Co airing
spots on. Yeah, we've got it figured We've got a
handle on it. What what's gonna happen next? Yeah? This
(03:41):
table is empty, so that tells me one of two things.
One you don't have cocaine or too you guys like
to go harder. You guys got something else, some sweeter
for me? Yeah, what do you mean, something bent at all?
Or you guys, you guys really funk around. Yeah, I'd
like all H is essentially lays the fence at all
(04:02):
this point. I mean, it's like, let's just be clear,
we're basically all doing fent and all know what's doing heroin? Anymore? Hard?
Is the H? Like? Is that stand for high high
volume for heroin? Yeah? Alright, I get this. You guys
play hard. I like you guys. I like you guys.
All right, you guys you know how to make a
girl dance. I'm gonna go take another little piss and
(04:26):
when I come back, there better be something even harder
on this table. All right, all right? You know what
I don't know that I have cocaine H, which technically
is spent and all if you test it because it's
all laced with fenton. Oh, now you're on board. Well
before you're like is this a metaphor? Now you know
what's going on. We gotta put on the table if
(04:46):
we wanted to get her to sign a contract. It's
pretty easy with the table ripped, and I don't know
my my table represents glemen, my got this table is empty.
You come back, you shoon, And that's the that's the problem,
you know. Oh my god, you guys are blowing my mind.
I thought I've done some of the craziest things. But
if you guys want to play even harder, how about this.
(05:10):
I want to hunt a man. I want a squid
game a bit, all right, can we make that happen?
Let me talk to my pardner. Here's all right, you guys,
I'm gonna go take one more piss. Are you sure? Oh?
You're getting me excited? You get me excited? All right,
I'm sure of anything. So, just like the hunted man
represent the target audience for the pet co, she's giving
(05:32):
us a blueprint how to get this deal signed. So
we gotta find fucking schmo who doesn't know anything and
then put them up to fucking be hunted by her. Hi.
Here is this the focus group for the advertising? Yeah?
I'm really excited. Are you gonna give me the now after?
How about this before we go in? Because it is
(05:53):
a focus group, I'm gonna need you to give me
your phone on your wallet. Oh, also, do you have
any family? Yeah, I have two daughters and are the
new wife. I just got married. Okay, um, if it
will probably best is just if we get your phone,
your I d okay? Any cash you might have on you? Wow?
Could you write down your family's names for us? And
(06:14):
this is for twenty five dollars. I will get the
twenty five. Yeah, and it's going to be in cash.
It will be in cash, so don't worry about any
like and five easy okay? Or we could do two
tens and of five five five, any denomination you want,
you do one? And then do you have any identifiable
and build work. We should probably a little bit tattoos.
I have a crown and uh I still have one
(06:35):
of my baby teeth. Interesting information for just focus group.
Any tattoos, anything that would be on your body that
you've added or augmented. Yeah, I have a tattoo on
my forearm that has my social Security number on it.
We take a phone, yes, and you will be giving
me the twenty Yeah. Hey man, I'll give it to
you in quarters if you want. That's pretty good. Yeah, okay,
it's a hundred quarters right, I don't know, times four,
(06:59):
that's a hundred. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot
of I knew that mess. Wow, do a lot of
laundry with that machine. Are you going to be asking
me any questions? This is a focus group, is yeah.
And so you're going to work with us for a
little bit, and then you're going to get into that van.
It's parked in front. And I said, where you watch
(07:19):
the dogs groom the dogs in the van? We sometimes
do you well well grooming. That's true, that's that's cool. Yeah, cool,
So just take off your shoes and socks for us, please, okay, right,
and then um, okay, then just go ahead and get
in the vand and the van will take you to
more questions. Yeah, I don't know. Way, that's so funny. No, yeah,
it'll take you to more questions. Okay, great, So thanks,
(07:41):
you're going to know, is that right? Of course? Of course,
at the very end of the all the questions after
that test is completely crocked. You will have okay by what? No? No,
all right, we got your guy nice smokes a tattoo
of his own source security number in his arm. Wanted
(08:02):
more on love it? Okay, So so you want to
do this, you want to do bone arrow style, you
want to just I'm gonna do a crossbow? Sweet? Yeah,
So quick question. He has no idea where he's going around.
I just want to make sure that this man isn't
aware that I'm about to sneak up and kill him. Look,
we just hired this focus properm to like buying us
a dude, and oddly enough, we told him exactly what
(08:23):
it was for. They said, Yeah, let's fucking party. Hey, hey, hey,
you guys. To you, I'm making you guys the official
advertisers of Peco hold account. I just want more? Is
(08:48):
this American laugh? I mean honest? All in Producer Andy
guest contributor for this episode is the man to said
co show. We'll be using our trustee sentence generator to
bring you a story in three improve I dec this
week's team strategy. It's important to have one. If you don't,
sometimes you need to make one up on the fly,
right there on the spot. Let stay with us at one.
(09:23):
She wrote him a long letter, but he didn't read it.
It was a letter she wrote, is the therapeutic more
of a cathartic? Things she did and I cope, a
lot of problems sent it to him, but you just
never read it, or maybe he did. I just didn't
tell her. He read it pretty hungry for tonight? I
guess mac and cheese. Dada. Nobody asked me why I
(09:44):
want it? Elizabeth? What do you want for dinner tonight? No? No, no,
what is your daughter? One? I think that's what do
you want? Honey? And Elizabeth? And I guess it's mac
and cheese? Right again? Yeah? So sweet? Do you want
me to put the milk in it? Or do you
want just the butter? I like it when it's just
the butter, just a splash a bill. It's good. I mean,
(10:05):
it's what the instructions say. I feel like we should
go with work rap. Okay, what's what's the problem? Know nothing,
I just us just blow it out my ask because
I'm lactose intolerant, as you know, because you're my husband,
and um this my stepdaughter, sweetheart? Can you can you
give your stepmother night some? I prefer Elizabeth? Please? Is
(10:26):
it a stepmother part that's that's upsetting you? Still? Yeah? Still? Still,
it's been like two months or something, Dad like, it's weird. Well,
it wasn't very weird for us. Well, I'm going to
go I'm just saying that, okay, Sorry, no go no, no,
you want to every time I say something, you try
to say something, Sweetie, I'm just gonna go ahead and
(10:46):
set the microwave, and then if you could just just
watch it and just make sure that there's no problems
with the microwave. Maybe what's wrong? What is it? What
do you mean what's wrong? I just was very open
about what's wrong. When when I said what was wrong
earlier about the up at the macaroni, did I not
give you the tone that lets you know that I'm
a pretty perceptive guy. But just having to constantly read
(11:08):
between the lines with you, it's a little bit tough. Okay,
I'm trying to keep the piece here. It's only been
a couple of months. My daughter here, she's still clearly
having some some trouble adjusting to this new life. If
you could do me a favor and we could just
kind of keep the pizza here, you know what, how's
it going over there, sweetheart with the microwave? Microwave is fine? Dad,
(11:28):
Do you mind if Elizabeth and I have a little
conversation my wife? Yes, yeah, your wife. Okay, yes, Elizabeth,
I'm gonna go watch the microwave ahead. What you want
to talk about girl stuff? No, I just want to
let you know that I'm keeping a list of what
every time that you anger my dad. I don't think
I anger him. You don't think you anger my dad.
I think I bring a lot of joy to his life.
(11:48):
If I didn't, do you think he might not have
put this on my finger. I think what you don't
understand is that my father is actually just a child.
He needed a woman who could run a house. He
was drowning before he met. Sounds like maybe you're running
the house a little more than I am because we've
had macaroni and cheese for two weeks now. Don't you think?
How are my girls doing? You guys working it out? Yeah? Yeah,
(12:10):
I think things are great. Good, Okay, we got them
progress to you give us maybe five more minutes he
minus thirty seconds with that mac and cheese. But you
know what yeah, yeah, yea, yeah, yea, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I bet it's yeah. Okay, go yeah, We're gonna have
mac and cheese every day until I'm satisfied. Okay, Oh
maybe sometimes your mac and cheese taste a little different.
Maybe one day you're not gonna want mac and cheese.
(12:32):
What are you gonna do to it? Just that some
flavor flavor that's wrong with that? Are you insinuating that
I would do something wrong? Are you insinuating you're gonna
like pissing my mac and cheese? First of all, that's
a very sophomoric thing to do to someone's mac and cheese,
to piss in their maga cheese. I think you'd taste that.
I think what I would do is very special, and
I wouldn't say that the silly would taste it. Try me.
(12:53):
Let's just eat tonight, just see how this night goes. Sweetheart,
my wife, would you like to say grace months? Yes? Absolutely?
Do you want to hold my hand with pleasure? I'll
put mine in prayer position? We can still hold hand? Yes,
we can? Okay? That tickles, Okay, prayer position is all right.
Dear Lord, thank you for this mac and cheese. Thank
(13:19):
you for just this roof over our heads. Thank you
for this wonderful husband's caring and loving and not upset.
I don't upset you. I think I'm okay for now. Yeah,
why do I seem with you, you wouldn't be upset
about anything I did. But I think I'm okay, and
thank you for this lovely, young, blossoming young lady who's
(13:42):
in our home, in our home, and uh is growing
up before my very eyes. And I'm very thankful for
that opportunity to see her grow into something that's very
beautiful until the end. Okay, it's getting cold, all right,
sounds really great, wasn't Wasn'tizabeth your my my? What? You're
(14:02):
the woman who married me, and who is I mean
technically assumes the role of stepparent to you whenever you're
comfortable enough calling her that. It wasn't that great with
Elizabeth did just now? I guess I like my prayer
a little more. Okay, Okay, some poetic, I guess, but
that's what I thought. You're gonna say, mac and cheese.
(14:24):
I'm sorry. I really a little more cheesy, maybe with
the Macaronian. Okay, I think Elizabeth should take the first bite. Okay,
you didn't want to add anything to the to the grace,
so you're happy with what she did. I am thinking
it's fine. It's fine. One. We're all getting closer. I
can feel it. Okay, I am going to uh. I
(14:47):
think maybe I'll take the first bite. You should I
take the first bite. You want her to take the
first bite. I think that's interesting. You want me to
take the she takes the first You know what, I
think it would be a nice sign of solidarity for
Elizabeth to take the first bite if she really does
want to join this family. Technically she has already join
this family because she's This is a good point, I
would say legally. And I'm a little full, you know what, umath,
(15:09):
just take a bite of head please, and this hell
is my life. That's good. Good, It's really good. It's
really good. Okay, yeah, that's really good. I like it.
Taste it tasted your turn, Yeah, taste. I think we
have this little lazy Susan table. Yeah you think you okay?
(15:30):
M m m yeah. Why is it metaller? I don't know.
I just followed the instructions of the box. It tastes metallic? Metallic?
What does that mean? Metallic? These kids are crazy metallic?
You mean like metallica or something, or you know, it
tastes metallic, tastes like metal? No, Dad, are you implying
(15:51):
that you're step what that you're my wife did something
to the n It was very clear that the mom
was slowly poisoning the child. Stepmother, stepmother, Sorry, my producer, Andy,
I mean, yes, I just wanted to slowly poisoning the child,
but not a moon chaws and style, more like I
(16:13):
get out of my waystyle. Let's go back to see
what we have to Dad, ask you a question. He's
a little personal, but I don't feel comfortable talking to Elisabeth.
I'm fifteen now, shouldn't I have gotten a period? You
should be developing a little bit faster than you are
right now. And you should remember you did have a
(16:33):
full head of hair this time last Thanksgiving. Yeah, but
I'm sure that's just you know, it's just nature. I mean,
I suppose, I don't think so. Dad. You said he'd
go to the local physician see what was going on.
All right, I'm looking over your daughters. That your daughter.
Stop stop stop stop, I'm his daughter. I'm his daughter. Yeah,
(16:53):
this is my daughter and it's your step daughter. Am
I reading this other? Sorry? You call that woman Elizabeth
my daughter? Your daughter? So I a quick question. She
been ingesting and unusually high mac and cheese. That's just
every day. That's all she wants. It's mac and cheese. Okay.
(17:16):
Because I'm this panel, there's a high concentration of acadmium
and it's aum element the periodic table aluminiums a lot
of aluminium in her blood. Are you doing drunks? I'm
not even close to being finished listing the medals that
I'm not doing. She's doing more medals? Oh my god?
(17:37):
Can you help me get emancipated? Please? Well, at first
I'd like to do a little bit more investing. Maybe here,
here's some mac and trees. Doctor. Can I talk to
talk to my husband for a quick minute. Yes, honey,
I'm telling you I think she's doing drunks. I think
a boarding schoolould be appropriate for her. I think if
she goes right there, I'm telling you it's going to
(17:58):
be boarding school or the State's going to board her
in one of their own facilities. I think you know
what I'm talking about. Can I take her aside? Real quick?
Take her my daughter? I can come with you, would
you mind could be a little bit more, you know,
get more done having remind you guys, want me to
just hang back outside until you figure it out? Or
do you want me to doctor. Can I just have
(18:20):
a moment alone with my father? Okay, yes, lecture, fine,
I'll be I'll be out here looking over my notes
because a lot of notes, a lot of medals. There's
quite some time, I actually, Dad, Yes, she's trying to
kill me. The nurse no, Elizabeth, Dad? Do you think
the nurse's name is Elizabeth? Elizabeth? Who you your wife? Dad?
(18:41):
My wife? You're trying to trick me into sting stepmother
right now? Dad? Come on, she is trying to kill me. Okay, Dad,
But I want to tell you something. Yes, I know
she's trying to send me to boarding school. Have you
ever read the play of the Visit? Do you understand revenge?
Have I read the play The Visitor? Seen the play
Bring the Red? Or the plot? Dad? Dude? Well the
(19:04):
answers to both is now? Okay? Well, I just know
that if I go away, I'm only coming back stronger. Okay.
I guess it's win win for everybody. Because my wife
is rid of you. You become stronger, you come back,
and then you start calling her your stepmother. Dad. I
just I want you to know that I love you,
and no matter what happens, you know that. Okay, okay,
(19:25):
then we are some at school and then became a
doctor where I'm bam, I'm a doctor. Are you? Are
you in here now or not enough time? Okay, all right,
just for medical we are whatever you want your hand,
I'm sorry, we have to go for it. So what's
going on? I guess we're going to send it a
(19:46):
boarding school? Yea, welcome to the same thing, Nat. She
is boarding school for troubled young ladies who are not
willing to accept the fact that their father has remarried,
also unwilling to all right, all right now name please, Hi,
(20:07):
I'm Samantha. So I'm Samantha. Do you have any allergies?
Maybe two side dishes or metals? Not that I know. Well,
I will say this. My hair is falling out. I
haven't gotten a period and there's something growing out of
my side. I don't understand a positive to what was that? Nothing?
I can? Can I ask you a question? Yes, why
(20:31):
is there a mail that's allowed in this email? Boarding school?
It's unclear? Okay, Well, sister Kathleen, I just want to
make sure that I'm rooming with a girl, just because
Keith is coming on a little strong noted, would you
mind terribly. If I sideboard with Keith for just a moment,
will straighten all this out? Keith, she doesn't seem into
(20:52):
it all right, Well you know, I'm just I think
you might be wrong. But she's throwing you all the
signals that she doesn't really love it. So here's what
we're gonna do. She's throwing me all right to but
that's just me. I don't know because she remedy that
she did that with her one strand of hair. Just
just try to just hang back a little bit. Then
the litter. She does have a legitimate question. How are
we going to answer that? Why am I here? Okay,
(21:14):
I'll make something up. Hi, Hi, I am back? Okay,
So I I sideboard with Keith, and actually turns out
that Keith is a you know how installs they have
secret chaps, right, he's like one of those. He is
(21:36):
like he's here for lost prevention. Well, I mean he's
like auditing the facility. Okay, he wasn't supposed to blow
his cover that early, and he is a can I suggest, male,
I don't. I don't mean to overstep my bound or
if you want them to audit this, I feel like
maybe a wig? Yes, two people. He need wigs that
we can all agree. No, I have a medical condition.
(21:58):
Al right, I thought it was punk rock, Keith, let's not.
What did we say about harassing and insulting the other?
Don't do it while you're around? Yet, No, don't do
it while you're around. They do not do it? Okay,
all right, So so what are we going to do
to help you work on yourself? Honestly, I think I
don't need to work on myself. I'm pretty sure that
(22:20):
the reason I'm here is because the woman who married
my dad is a bitch, and she's been slowly trying
to force me out, and I think a little time
alone with her my dad's going to realize how bad
she really is. I'm in a similar situation. My my
mom and my dad don't want me. Okay, we know
that this isn't true. We were established. I write letters
(22:42):
adding every day you do. Yeah, it's actually kind of sweet, Keith. Yeah.
I never sent it to them, but I write them.
Ok why don't you send them? Yeah? Because there for
me before you like therapeutic for you, and so you
don't know, bingo, how is that helping? You're still hear it?
But I'm different than I got here? Think about it?
Are you stronger than you were? What? Else? You know? What? Miraculously? Yeah,
(23:05):
Keith has some good advice. Have you considered writing a
letter to your your father and your step what are
we calling her? Elizabeth? Okay? Well, have you considered writing
a letter to Elizabeth and your father and telling them
how you feel as opposed to just exploding in fits
of rage and hurling accusations towards them, thus winding you
(23:29):
up in a facility such as this one? I haven't okay,
so what should we should do? That? All that stuff? Then,
now that I said I want you to Keith, can
you you transcribe spill spill your feelings? And Keith, please
transcribe what she says ft down right down the things
she says. I don't want to sound awful when I
say this, but I just want to make sure if
(23:50):
you know how to write like I know you said
you've written letters to your mom and dad, but I
want to make sure you want you know how to
write words down right like or you didn't keep ribbling?
He she a, you oh shit, yea? How to write? Okay? Okay,
depends outside down because I'm checking to see if it works. Okay,
(24:11):
I'm gonna say my letter for my dad and if
you could just write it down, please? Which one start
with the first letter? Please? Can do you have like
an iPhone or something that you can just record this with?
Just say what you want to say and now remember it.
Keith Christ Okay, I guess I want to say, Dear Dad,
Elizabeth's drawn out, long game murder plot must come to
(24:34):
an end, right. I think that it's very suspicious that
you met her right before mom died, and then the
second she died, Elizabeth just moved in. I think that's weird.
Like whose caregiver who's on hospice, Like what hospice nurse
ends up marrying the dude that she cared for his
(24:55):
fucking dying wife. That's weird. Okay, Um, you know what
I you hang back. I'm going to relay this to
plot for a movie to it is, yes, Keith, yes,
it is. Could you please could you please stop mining
the personal tragedies of our clients for plots movie ideas? Please?
All right, thank you. I'm gonna go relay all this
(25:17):
to your to your parents if you don't mind the
party confidence with your parents, Okay, Elizabeth. Yes, Dad, I
would like to relay a letter that your daughter and
stepdaughter has has written you care go ahead, I Elizabeth.
First of all, this is way too long. It's like
(25:37):
twenty minutes long. Alright, take that letter. Can see this letter.
Your your daughter has your stepdaughter has written this letter
for Let read this letter. I'll give it to my
husband later. About that cases keep her there like we're ranged, Okay,
please don't change. All right, Well we plan alright, thank you, Okay,
(25:59):
good meeting. We'll get your weekly cash. So I spoke
to your Elizabeth Elizabeth. UM, I'm gonna go ahead and
keep you here for a while, if that's all right. Okay,
I see how this goes. I want to warn you,
sister Kathleen. Whatever you're eating, whatever you're drinking, it's going
to have aluminum minute and something that sounds like cardamum
(26:20):
had me um cad me yeah. Yeah. So it just
heads up because this woman will not be stopped. But
don't worry. I will spend my life making sure that
she dies of painful, sad death. I have hitched my
wig into the wrong horse eventually, real VI is it this?
You have to have a second be for this for sure.
It's so competite. Coming up back to the first the
(26:44):
word from our esteemed sponsors, stay with us. Back to
the interview today's guests. Contributor mandasid Coat, thank you for coming.
(27:06):
I long have you been listening to the show? I
have heard it once and you loved it. I did
so much and that just made you say I have
to do this show. Nice. That's about yourself you're from.
I'm from a small farm town in northern California called Davis. No,
it's called Morgan Hill. How far is it from Davis?
A couple of hours? Did you ever go to Davis? No,
(27:29):
I've not been to Davis. That's in like Sacramento area, right,
I'm like a Bay area. It to me like like
Bay areas, NorCal. I would say, why would you try
and get it from that? Davis about an hour hour
and a half. Okay, So tell me about your hidden
hills face Hill. Um, we are the mushroom capital of
California and right next to Gilroy, which is the garlic capital.
(27:53):
They're a little more famous. I've been there. Yeah, you
guys compete. No, um, but yeah, I think I got
to live in California. But have like a like live
in the Silicon Valley, but still have like a really
like wholesome upbringing. So we're talking about produced type mushrooms.
So we're talking about psychedelic produce. Do you want? If
(28:15):
you want psychedelic, you go up to like Eureka and Humboldt, Yeah,
which I've had. Like one of my best friends from
high school was a trimmer up in Humboldt for a while.
She buds. She said she would get picked up in
a van blindfold and then take it to a farm
and then she would just sit in chain smoke joints
and trim weed. Yeah, she came home with a like
(28:37):
a black trash bag full of weed. I think she's
a concierge at a hotel. We actually have that in
our archives, what she's doing now. We have footage of
her and her new job. It's a concierge and he gains.
We're gonna look at it now. Yeah, you want to
hear it. Can I get a table for two? Please? Yeah?
A table for two? Me and my wife? Yeah, listener
(29:02):
name Tager names Janet, Yeah, Janet right there on my
chest there. You need a need a table for two? Okay?
Are you not focused on what's going on. No, I'm
totally totally fine, totally fine. I also I hate to
tell people what to do with their jobs, but could
you put down the rice Crispy treat my holding a rice?
(29:24):
I'm so sorry. So it's just yeah, I realized I
was doing that. I'm so sorry. It's okay, Janum yeah
am I? Hey, am I wearing shoes? Lean over the counter.
I'm right, Okay, you are wearing shoes. I don't know
our Tiva's shoes. Would you call a Tiva's shoe or
is it? I believe it's a sports sandal. I mean,
(29:48):
you do constitute shoes. I guess they're coming your feet,
that's true, so I don't think they're appropriate for the restaurant. Okay,
I'm so Me and my wife are coming here for
quite some time, and please don't put that in your
re you when you leave. You need this job. After
My husband leaves reviews on both Google Yell and then
(30:08):
sometimes they'll take out personal ads just to kind of
a little bit more analog. But I like it. Well,
he wants He applied for a job at the paper
and got denied, so he took matters into his own hands. Wow,
and I don't regret it. Please don't do any of
those after this, or if you do, don't don't don't
talk mention. Please don't mention the tv US. But it's
okay if I mentioned the Rice Crispy, just I just
(30:29):
don't mention anything that's happened so far. It looks like
you're really watching su is that? Also? I turned my
phone over. I'm so sorry my phone that I don't have.
I don't have a phone here right, sure, Janet, Okay,
table for two. Okay, I'm just gonna take you right
here past the giraffe and I actually I'm say I
don't know that we would have quoted that Jane Is,
(30:51):
but we did. And that's what she's been after. Yeah,
that's what she's up to. That's how she That's really
nice to know. I haven't talked to her in a
long time. We keep dads and some be you know, randomly,
and then we have those dabs. Yeah, if it would
have if we would have kept playing it, we would
have seen that clearly. Still. Yeah, I mean I kind
of got that. So at one point you said this down,
(31:13):
I'm moving to Los Angeles. Um. I always told myself
like I hate l A. Funk out like I'll never
live in l A. That and then um, I was
living in San Diego working at the Old Globe because
I was a theater major, and I told myself, like,
I gotta work in regional theater. Didn't like it. And
then I kind of realized like what regional theater really
(31:35):
was and it wasn't what I thought I was. And
I bumped into a professor of mine from cal Poly.
I went to cal Poli San Luis Obispo. Shout out
to Pam Melkin. She changed my life and I mentioned her.
I was like, oh, there's this comedy theater I follow
called UCB that just opened in l A. And she
just said, well, why don't you move to l A.
And I literally walked in the other room and called
my parents and said I'm moving to l A. Yeah,
(31:56):
And then that was it. And then say they were
just like okay, but I mean you've always talked about
hating I was just like yeah, but like I gotta
do this thing, and so move there. Started taking classes
within like a week, and that's all I've been doing.
And then all of a sudden you're on stage. Oh God, no,
but I had like a lot of I feel like
(32:17):
I'm one of those people that's had a string of
weird jobs in l A. Like my first job in
l A. I worked for the Beverly Hills Fire Department.
I was the only civilian the work there, and I
ran the front desk. I wasn't allowed I wasn't allowed
to go to the barracks, so he never got to
see the actual fireman. Um, but I would sit in
front with Chief LaForge and answer the phone and then
(32:40):
UM process like fire permits for like wedding, like if
you ever get married, Um, you have to like prove
that your centerpieces aren't gonna light on fire. And so
they literally just do this thing where like your planner
brings your centerpiece to the fire department and then they
light the candles and hold a tissue two feet above
and if it catches fire, they're like, no, I can't
have that, Like that was part of my job. We
(33:01):
actually have a new you can say this. We actually
have a footage of your first day working at the
Beverly Hills Fire Department. Are archives. Hey, Chief Beforage, welcome, Well,
we were happy to have you here here at the
Beverly Hills Fire Department. A few rules ground rules. First
phone rings, answer it. That's rule number one. Rule number
(33:23):
two you take no no, thank you, Gregory, thank you.
Rule number three you are not, ever, under circumstances allowed
to come back to the period. No barracks. Do you understand?
(33:43):
Break room is over here on the left side. Okay,
the restrooms are on the right side. Okay. I'm just like,
are you guys always going to be this intense? No,
we don't. We don't have any reason to be this intense, unless,
of course, you come back the barracks. And if you do,
gotta have a problem, big problem, big problem. Do you
understand I do? Can I ask what happens in the barracks?
(34:06):
None of your business. You will not ask what happens
in the barracks. And if you find out, you're supposed
to forget immediately. Do you understand? Sure? Posted notes, other
office supplies are right here in this drawers have a water,
everything's triple filtered. It's very nice. What are you looking
(34:26):
at it? Just look the door right here. Yes, you're
looking doors. You're not looking at the bar. You will
not look at the barracks. Sorry, you will get a
parking pass. You get a parking pass, you will unfortunately,
have to park across the street at City Hall on
the other side of record. Yeah, well you'll have to
park there. Um, there's a vending machine that's right over here.
(34:48):
They also have them honey buns, and if you see
those with a white blaze. Nothing people ever come in
here and they're asking if they can get a permit
to build on their land. That's in city Hall on
the other side right as a building. I'm kind of
scared to ask. But if someone comes out of that door,
which door better not be the barracks. Doore that you're
(35:09):
talking about. No one's ever coming out of that door.
Never you mind if anybody comes out that door, So
help me Christ Almighty. If you even think about the
barracks door even existing, we're going to have a problem. Also,
if you could just not raise your hand like that
when you talk to me, it's just make a fist. Yeah. Well,
I'm serious about two things. Weddings being up to code
(35:34):
firewise with the center pieces. The second thing is you're
not going those barracks come out of those bars, not
going those barracks. Gonna wake up and apologize. Thank you.
Thank you. Okay. Also, I know that you go by
Chief Gregory. Is there something I should be using when
you call me Gregory? Okay? I can't help, but notice
(35:55):
your eyes are drifting from making eye contact with me
towards the door to the It's just just really intimidating.
And I feel like if I looked down, I looked disrespectful.
So I'm trying to look at the side, but they
were literally the only place to look is that door.
You can also look up. You can also look diagonal.
I can't do that. My eyes don't work that way.
Mine do look well. And also there's a Collie's Fudge
(36:16):
right across the street if you'd like to have some
Collies Fudge situation for you. There, Um only like seven
eight months, and would you do that? Seven eight months
because I had to be a permanent temp and I
needed healthcare. And so then I went and I was
the executive assistant to a celebrity chef. UM, and I
(36:37):
worked at his restaurant, and um, I'd never worked in
the restaurant world before, and I didn't realize, like that's
a whole fucking thing. Like what was his name, Chef
David Myers? He was a James Beard winner. We won
the Wine Grand Award from One Spectator the year that
I worked there. Yeah, so like they just needed someone
to work in the office and so I same thing,
like handled paperwork for the employees at the actual it
(37:00):
was any any crazy things happen. The thing I loved
about working there was every night at five pm, I
got to go to family meal, which I also I
had never worked in a restaurant before, so like to
a poor person pursuing comedy, like getting a free dinner
every night was huge. Oh and then there was one
night where we I newly started working there, and there
was also a new bookkeeper and they came to us
(37:21):
and they were like, we want you to know, like
this is like high fucking level dining, like should I've
never seen before. And they were like, we wanted to
know what it's like to eat here. So each of
you can bring a guest and you can have dinner here.
And I was like, oh, me and my best friend
are gonna have the best night of our lives. And
then the bookkeeper was like, well, why don't we just
go together, so then it's just the two of us,
and I was just like, you fucking dick, Like, why
(37:42):
would you do that? So then I had to just
sitting and have dinner with a coworker and it was
one of the best meals I've ever had in my life.
It just didn't know him, and he got really drunk
and cried and said we were gonna be the best
of friends, and then we ended up not getting along
the time I worked there. I think we have I
think we have. Yeah, I think we have that that dinner,
that magical dinner in the archives. So this is rabbit
(38:04):
and deer I've never had. You know what I like
about you? What's up, Derek? I think that you are
a very special person. Hey Derek. Yeah, we've only worked
together a couple of days, I know, and I feel
just like you have to finish your sins. I'm connected
to you. Okay. Also, this is the final course and
we're gonna have dessert. I just want to make sure
(38:25):
you're gonna Are you okay to go home? Are you
okay to get home? No? No, no, no. I just
want to make sure you're gonna get home safely, you know,
because like we drove here, we're hanging out after work,
you know, Like my car has parked around the corner. No, no, no, no, no,
I think you're misunderstanding me. I'm not propositioning you, and
I'm saying you or because you'd be very inappropriate if
(38:47):
you if you did. Yeah, Hello, welcome everybody to family night.
I started to want to make a toast to Dick
and the Man that I think it's been so beautiful
to watch your love blossom over the course of this meal,
and I know the two of you are going to
(39:08):
have very happy again. Congratulations to the happy love birds
walk enjoy much mind mind mine. Derek, just to be clear,
we are not dating. I didn't say we are. People
think that we should clearly. Oh God, hold my hand
(39:30):
and telling me that you don't feel the same, Derek,
You just like dribbled a bunch. This is why I
need someone like you to take care of me, because
you are concerned about my dribbling again. Yeah, I know
this is a very unorthodox to make two toss, but
I would just like to make an unpresented to the
second toss to Ideic and Amanda. May you love last
(39:55):
at longest the flavors of my abundant I don't know,
I didn't Hi, everybody, I'm told. Okay, I just want
to clarify because you know we're all gonna be working
together and this meal has been phenomenal. I cannot thank
you enough. Um, Derek and I are not dating. We're
(40:16):
not in love. Okay, okay, I'd like to make a
toasters a rebuttal to the toasted that Amanda just amid
that I can see in the both of your is
that you're both going to get the long very well
the rest of your life, long, happy manage. You can
know what you got, Amanda, Just really quick. You guys, Derek's,
first off, not my type. And I just want to
(40:36):
say that I would never date a coworker because that's inappropriate.
Toast hold on macadetic, I got this. Why do you
think it's not your type? Boy? You think you're the
good voted that you know. It's like I'm like your
glass if you call so sorry, Derek, this has nothing
to do against you. I just like I like like again. No,
(40:59):
I like barrel chested men, men with like strong big hands,
and he's got like computer soft hands. Anything you having
the floor? Oh yeah, yes, yeah, man. The pleas to
clean up with that except moment that there's now a please,
it was bad. It was bad, So it tells a
(41:20):
bit more about So you and I managed it USTv
and you liked it there, I loved it. It really
is my home. I don't know what I would do
without of it, you know, Like it was where all
of my best friends came from, and it gave me
like something to go to every night and all that
kind of stuff. So it was like the best time.
And he used to keep in with other people pretty close,
(41:40):
like talk to them almost every day. It's beautiful. Yeah,
there was a group of us that formed an email
chain about like a weekend trip up to my parents
house that like the chain went has still kind of
like existed, but like for a while it was like
it's over a decade old. The same email on Gmail
that keeps going sounds like a movie idea. Has anything
that is going and you want to tell us about
(42:01):
that's important? Are you plugging anything you want to talk about? No,
I'm just plugging staying healthy and safe, guy, which is
very important for people because other people are not doing
that right now. Thanks safe. You know, there's a new
thing coming out. It's strain, invariant, variant. Everybody's to be
massed up. Just prepare, you know, and just be healthy,
(42:22):
be good to yourself. Get vaccinating. Yeah, I get that.
That get that booster. Yeah, it's important to get the booster.
Amanda sid COO, thank you so much for coming, Thanks
for having me. Guys coming up at three. But first
a word from our sponsors who make this high quality
program possible. Stay with us. Had three Hi hi in
(42:53):
the water. Fisherman's hope for dinner soon turned to despair.
I've been waiting for a excluded fish. It is fishy jeans.
Good things are running dry, little desperate laird's gotta eat.
My wife's gotta eat. Something's gotta eat, My daughter's gotta eat.
(43:14):
You gotta eat, and you gotta eat, and you gotta eat,
and we all gotta eat. The fish gonna come by
her hook. Do you know when Walter maybe maybe singing
this song and is not helping us getting the fish?
Where do you think you're scaring him? Just doing something?
Because I don't. I ain't got nothing. I have a
lying out, I have a net out, and I have
(43:35):
a ship on a bait and nothing. Yes, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. I must look crazy that you guys right,
now I'm not wearing shoes. Um, could you keep me safe?
What I wanted to be? I think I'm being a hut.
Are you guys supposed to give me the twenty five
dollars or am I just supposed to keep going to
(43:55):
five dollars? Who I had twenty five bucks, I would
not be sitting here fishing, finishing? Okay? Please? Did you
just get me to safety? So when it is following
me a crossbow, please calm yourself. Calm yourself. We'll work
on your breathing. Focus on your breathing. Okay, until it's
(44:19):
get that. Where would I get the five dollars if
somebody promised it? Do you have you ever signed up
for a focus group? I have a long time ago.
You remember I signed both for it that place, the
pitt place, the pet place for the taste test, Yeah,
taste testing for the food for the dogs. They wanted
to make sure that it was okay for me. I
(44:40):
signed up. I thought I was gonna be eating dog food.
But I got taken to a room where they took
all my personal blo and they put me in a
van and they drove me out here. And as I
was walking through the forest, arrows started raining down on me,
and I don't understand what's happening, Like, didn't they give
you the twenty five dollars first? Yet they haven't? You
(45:04):
need to run run? I'm running with you. Oh god,
this van. You guys are right. We're being hunted right
now with arrows. Let me just kind of She's being
hunted and I'm being hunted by by osmosis, by proxy proxy?
(45:27):
What what I start at the beginning? How did this start?
Why are they hunting you? I got promised twenty five dollars, right,
and so I showed up for a focus group. Nobody
gave me twenty five Do you didn't get Why didn't
you get in front? I wasn't thinking, and they just
told me take off your shoes, give us your stuff.
(45:47):
Getting this van and I started walking through the forest,
I started being hunted. I met this dude, this other
guy died, and now I'm here and I don't know what.
Let me see if I get this stream dry, I
(46:13):
have all these out effects. Sorry, we're gonna go. I
don't even know where to go. Take take take a
left down here storage court line. What you're gonna go
back to? Get your fishing line. We gonna get fish.
I will buy you a fishing line with Okay, okay,
turn out your storage run okay, okay, okay. This is
(46:36):
Elizabeth's house. It's a woman. I know she's gonna help us. Okay, alright,
bring the doorbell. Hi, Hello, Hi, so sweaty both of you?
Is everything? Okay? Can we speak to Elizabeth? Elizabeth? Elizabeth here,
she's so high? This is Elizabeth, my husband. Yes, Hi, Elizabeth,
(46:59):
you remember when you knew me as a little girl.
Wait a minute, No, I'm sorry, Elizabeth, we've missed you know.
You know who I am? No, you know who I am.
This is her. I know what happens to my daughter.
She's been Well, it's time for you to read what
you sewed. What is that supposed to mean? What is
that supposed to mean? All I know? Is it? Something
(47:22):
terrible is going to happen to you? Lizabeth. I'm so sorry, dad, No, No,
it's fine. What's about I would like to pay you
dollars just getting this woman off my hand. So it
produced you to Andy and especially guest contributor in manest though,
I'm your host. Sorry, And this was this American laugh
(47:44):
with Aristatatari and Andy Harris join us next time. This
American Laugh with Aristotle Attari and Andy Harris can be
found wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe,
rate and review. You can also find us on Instagram
at This American Laugh and on Twitter at a American
Laugh with three Hes. That's American Laugh with three Hes.
Portions of This American Laugh with Aristotle Attari and Andy Harris.
The improvised documentary podcast are brought to you by listeners
like yourself, are esteemed sponsors, and the all powerful, all
knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about
to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next
sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our
(00:21):
revered omnipotent Random Sentence Generator or more This American Laugh.
Listened to more episodes of This American Laugh. I guess
and now your first random sentence. He played the game
as if his life depended on it, and the truth was,
and it did. It's kind of a rich man poor
(00:46):
man's game, a little bit like Hard Target with John
glad pan Damn, where he had to survive as a
rich man hunted him. But this was a different kind
of game. This was more of a corporate style hunting game.
I've brought you here today to see if you would
like to buy thirty seconds worth of advertising time on
late night TV, and we think your company would benefit
(01:08):
from it. Okay, yeah, okay, okay, guys, I like yourself,
I'm gonna ask you a question flat out, Are you
guys on coke? No? Well, no, no, no, do you
have coke while you're asking? Or or what can I ask?
Do you have coke? And that's why I'm asking. The
answer is no, we are not on coke right this second,
(01:31):
the second. Okay, Yes, we work hard. We play hard
at Peco. Okay, okay, work hard, play hard. Hard. Let's
not get into those lawsuits. So what I'm saying is,
if you guys want to run with the big dogs, yeah,
you got to bring the big dog food. Okay, Okay,
we can offer you the afternoon day part now because
(01:52):
it's late night TV. Fuck heyck blow blowing it. He's
trying to tell something. What I'm saying is is if
I go to the bathroom right now and I come
back and there's cocaine on this table, we've got a deal.
Oh ship, that's a good thing. Okay, I'm sorry. I
think I'm trying to be extremely clear. Let me be
explicitly clear here. I like cocaine. If you bring me cocaine,
(02:17):
we will work together. Okay. So what you're saying is
if we if we take the contracts and we we
roll them, then you'll get then you'll du what is it?
I'm not No, it's not a metaphor. Guys. Listen, I'm
going to walk out that door. I'm gonna go take
(02:37):
a piss. Hey guys, Hey guys, Hey guys. We don't
play by the same rules everyone else does. All right,
we're Petco. We make the rules. So what I want
you guys to do is produce a little cocaine on
this table so I can have a good time. We
(02:58):
can sign some paper work whatever y'all need, and we'll
work together. Okay, I think we got it figured out. Okay, okay,
all right, do you need me to leave back there
to the letter right, I'll be back. Okay, it takes
me a good five minutes to five minutes, alright, circle
back and five. You know, what the fun is she
(03:19):
talking about? How do you have cocaine? I'm having trouble
understanding what it is that she wants. She wants me
to put my cocaine on the on the table, the
table representing the overall deal that is ped Co airing
spots on. Yeah, we've got it figured We've got a
handle on it. What what's gonna happen next? Yeah? This
(03:41):
table is empty, so that tells me one of two things.
One you don't have cocaine or too you guys like
to go harder. You guys got something else, some sweeter
for me? Yeah, what do you mean, something bent at all?
Or you guys, you guys really funk around. Yeah, I'd
like all H is essentially lays the fence at all
(04:02):
this point. I mean, it's like, let's just be clear,
we're basically all doing fent and all know what's doing heroin? Anymore? Hard?
Is the H? Like? Is that stand for high high
volume for heroin? Yeah? Alright, I get this. You guys
play hard. I like you guys. I like you guys.
All right, you guys you know how to make a
girl dance. I'm gonna go take another little piss and
(04:26):
when I come back, there better be something even harder
on this table. All right, all right? You know what
I don't know that I have cocaine H, which technically
is spent and all if you test it because it's
all laced with fenton. Oh, now you're on board. Well
before you're like is this a metaphor? Now you know
what's going on. We gotta put on the table if
(04:46):
we wanted to get her to sign a contract. It's
pretty easy with the table ripped, and I don't know
my my table represents glemen, my got this table is empty.
You come back, you shoon, And that's the that's the problem,
you know. Oh my god, you guys are blowing my mind.
I thought I've done some of the craziest things. But
if you guys want to play even harder, how about this.
(05:10):
I want to hunt a man. I want a squid
game a bit, all right, can we make that happen?
Let me talk to my pardner. Here's all right, you guys,
I'm gonna go take one more piss. Are you sure? Oh?
You're getting me excited? You get me excited? All right,
I'm sure of anything. So, just like the hunted man
represent the target audience for the pet co, she's giving
(05:32):
us a blueprint how to get this deal signed. So
we gotta find fucking schmo who doesn't know anything and
then put them up to fucking be hunted by her. Hi.
Here is this the focus group for the advertising? Yeah?
I'm really excited. Are you gonna give me the now after?
How about this before we go in? Because it is
(05:53):
a focus group, I'm gonna need you to give me
your phone on your wallet. Oh, also, do you have
any family? Yeah, I have two daughters and are the
new wife. I just got married. Okay, um, if it
will probably best is just if we get your phone,
your I d okay? Any cash you might have on you? Wow?
Could you write down your family's names for us? And
(06:14):
this is for twenty five dollars. I will get the
twenty five. Yeah, and it's going to be in cash.
It will be in cash, so don't worry about any
like and five easy okay? Or we could do two
tens and of five five five, any denomination you want,
you do one? And then do you have any identifiable
and build work. We should probably a little bit tattoos.
I have a crown and uh I still have one
(06:35):
of my baby teeth. Interesting information for just focus group.
Any tattoos, anything that would be on your body that
you've added or augmented. Yeah, I have a tattoo on
my forearm that has my social Security number on it.
We take a phone, yes, and you will be giving
me the twenty Yeah. Hey man, I'll give it to
you in quarters if you want. That's pretty good. Yeah, okay,
it's a hundred quarters right, I don't know, times four,
(06:59):
that's a hundred. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot
of I knew that mess. Wow, do a lot of
laundry with that machine. Are you going to be asking
me any questions? This is a focus group, is yeah.
And so you're going to work with us for a
little bit, and then you're going to get into that van.
It's parked in front. And I said, where you watch
(07:19):
the dogs groom the dogs in the van? We sometimes
do you well well grooming. That's true, that's that's cool. Yeah, cool,
So just take off your shoes and socks for us, please, okay, right,
and then um, okay, then just go ahead and get
in the vand and the van will take you to
more questions. Yeah, I don't know. Way, that's so funny. No, yeah,
it'll take you to more questions. Okay, great, So thanks,
(07:41):
you're going to know, is that right? Of course? Of course,
at the very end of the all the questions after
that test is completely crocked. You will have okay by what? No? No,
all right, we got your guy nice smokes a tattoo
of his own source security number in his arm. Wanted
(08:02):
more on love it? Okay, So so you want to
do this, you want to do bone arrow style, you
want to just I'm gonna do a crossbow? Sweet? Yeah,
So quick question. He has no idea where he's going around.
I just want to make sure that this man isn't
aware that I'm about to sneak up and kill him. Look,
we just hired this focus properm to like buying us
a dude, and oddly enough, we told him exactly what
(08:23):
it was for. They said, Yeah, let's fucking party. Hey, hey, hey,
you guys. To you, I'm making you guys the official
advertisers of Peco hold account. I just want more? Is
(08:48):
this American laugh? I mean honest? All in Producer Andy
guest contributor for this episode is the man to said
co show. We'll be using our trustee sentence generator to
bring you a story in three improve I dec this
week's team strategy. It's important to have one. If you don't,
sometimes you need to make one up on the fly,
right there on the spot. Let stay with us at one.
(09:23):
She wrote him a long letter, but he didn't read it.
It was a letter she wrote, is the therapeutic more
of a cathartic? Things she did and I cope, a
lot of problems sent it to him, but you just
never read it, or maybe he did. I just didn't
tell her. He read it pretty hungry for tonight? I
guess mac and cheese. Dada. Nobody asked me why I
(09:44):
want it? Elizabeth? What do you want for dinner tonight? No? No, no,
what is your daughter? One? I think that's what do
you want? Honey? And Elizabeth? And I guess it's mac
and cheese? Right again? Yeah? So sweet? Do you want
me to put the milk in it? Or do you
want just the butter? I like it when it's just
the butter, just a splash a bill. It's good. I mean,
(10:05):
it's what the instructions say. I feel like we should
go with work rap. Okay, what's what's the problem? Know nothing,
I just us just blow it out my ask because
I'm lactose intolerant, as you know, because you're my husband,
and um this my stepdaughter, sweetheart? Can you can you
give your stepmother night some? I prefer Elizabeth? Please? Is
(10:26):
it a stepmother part that's that's upsetting you? Still? Yeah? Still? Still,
it's been like two months or something, Dad like, it's weird. Well,
it wasn't very weird for us. Well, I'm going to
go I'm just saying that, okay, Sorry, no go no, no,
you want to every time I say something, you try
to say something, Sweetie, I'm just gonna go ahead and
(10:46):
set the microwave, and then if you could just just
watch it and just make sure that there's no problems
with the microwave. Maybe what's wrong? What is it? What
do you mean what's wrong? I just was very open
about what's wrong. When when I said what was wrong
earlier about the up at the macaroni, did I not
give you the tone that lets you know that I'm
a pretty perceptive guy. But just having to constantly read
(11:08):
between the lines with you, it's a little bit tough. Okay,
I'm trying to keep the piece here. It's only been
a couple of months. My daughter here, she's still clearly
having some some trouble adjusting to this new life. If
you could do me a favor and we could just
kind of keep the pizza here, you know what, how's
it going over there, sweetheart with the microwave? Microwave is fine? Dad,
(11:28):
Do you mind if Elizabeth and I have a little
conversation my wife? Yes, yeah, your wife. Okay, yes, Elizabeth,
I'm gonna go watch the microwave ahead. What you want
to talk about girl stuff? No, I just want to
let you know that I'm keeping a list of what
every time that you anger my dad. I don't think
I anger him. You don't think you anger my dad.
I think I bring a lot of joy to his life.
(11:48):
If I didn't, do you think he might not have
put this on my finger. I think what you don't
understand is that my father is actually just a child.
He needed a woman who could run a house. He
was drowning before he met. Sounds like maybe you're running
the house a little more than I am because we've
had macaroni and cheese for two weeks now. Don't you think?
How are my girls doing? You guys working it out? Yeah? Yeah,
(12:10):
I think things are great. Good, Okay, we got them
progress to you give us maybe five more minutes he
minus thirty seconds with that mac and cheese. But you
know what yeah, yeah, yea, yeah, yea, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I bet it's yeah. Okay, go yeah, We're gonna have
mac and cheese every day until I'm satisfied. Okay, Oh
maybe sometimes your mac and cheese taste a little different.
Maybe one day you're not gonna want mac and cheese.
(12:32):
What are you gonna do to it? Just that some
flavor flavor that's wrong with that? Are you insinuating that
I would do something wrong? Are you insinuating you're gonna
like pissing my mac and cheese? First of all, that's
a very sophomoric thing to do to someone's mac and cheese,
to piss in their maga cheese. I think you'd taste that.
I think what I would do is very special, and
I wouldn't say that the silly would taste it. Try me.
(12:53):
Let's just eat tonight, just see how this night goes. Sweetheart,
my wife, would you like to say grace months? Yes? Absolutely?
Do you want to hold my hand with pleasure? I'll
put mine in prayer position? We can still hold hand? Yes,
we can? Okay? That tickles, Okay, prayer position is all right.
Dear Lord, thank you for this mac and cheese. Thank
(13:19):
you for just this roof over our heads. Thank you
for this wonderful husband's caring and loving and not upset.
I don't upset you. I think I'm okay for now. Yeah,
why do I seem with you, you wouldn't be upset
about anything I did. But I think I'm okay, and
thank you for this lovely, young, blossoming young lady who's
(13:42):
in our home, in our home, and uh is growing
up before my very eyes. And I'm very thankful for
that opportunity to see her grow into something that's very
beautiful until the end. Okay, it's getting cold, all right,
sounds really great, wasn't Wasn'tizabeth your my my? What? You're
(14:02):
the woman who married me, and who is I mean
technically assumes the role of stepparent to you whenever you're
comfortable enough calling her that. It wasn't that great with
Elizabeth did just now? I guess I like my prayer
a little more. Okay, Okay, some poetic, I guess, but
that's what I thought. You're gonna say, mac and cheese.
(14:24):
I'm sorry. I really a little more cheesy, maybe with
the Macaronian. Okay, I think Elizabeth should take the first bite. Okay,
you didn't want to add anything to the to the grace,
so you're happy with what she did. I am thinking
it's fine. It's fine. One. We're all getting closer. I
can feel it. Okay, I am going to uh. I
(14:47):
think maybe I'll take the first bite. You should I
take the first bite. You want her to take the
first bite. I think that's interesting. You want me to
take the she takes the first You know what, I
think it would be a nice sign of solidarity for
Elizabeth to take the first bite if she really does
want to join this family. Technically she has already join
this family because she's This is a good point, I
would say legally. And I'm a little full, you know what, umath,
(15:09):
just take a bite of head please, and this hell
is my life. That's good. Good, It's really good. It's
really good. Okay, yeah, that's really good. I like it.
Taste it tasted your turn, Yeah, taste. I think we
have this little lazy Susan table. Yeah you think you okay?
(15:30):
M m m yeah. Why is it metaller? I don't know.
I just followed the instructions of the box. It tastes metallic? Metallic?
What does that mean? Metallic? These kids are crazy metallic?
You mean like metallica or something, or you know, it
tastes metallic, tastes like metal? No, Dad, are you implying
(15:51):
that you're step what that you're my wife did something
to the n It was very clear that the mom
was slowly poisoning the child. Stepmother, stepmother, Sorry, my producer, Andy,
I mean, yes, I just wanted to slowly poisoning the child,
but not a moon chaws and style, more like I
(16:13):
get out of my waystyle. Let's go back to see
what we have to Dad, ask you a question. He's
a little personal, but I don't feel comfortable talking to Elisabeth.
I'm fifteen now, shouldn't I have gotten a period? You
should be developing a little bit faster than you are
right now. And you should remember you did have a
(16:33):
full head of hair this time last Thanksgiving. Yeah, but
I'm sure that's just you know, it's just nature. I mean,
I suppose, I don't think so. Dad. You said he'd
go to the local physician see what was going on.
All right, I'm looking over your daughters. That your daughter.
Stop stop stop stop, I'm his daughter. I'm his daughter. Yeah,
(16:53):
this is my daughter and it's your step daughter. Am
I reading this other? Sorry? You call that woman Elizabeth
my daughter? Your daughter? So I a quick question. She
been ingesting and unusually high mac and cheese. That's just
every day. That's all she wants. It's mac and cheese. Okay.
(17:16):
Because I'm this panel, there's a high concentration of acadmium
and it's aum element the periodic table aluminiums a lot
of aluminium in her blood. Are you doing drunks? I'm
not even close to being finished listing the medals that
I'm not doing. She's doing more medals? Oh my god?
(17:37):
Can you help me get emancipated? Please? Well, at first
I'd like to do a little bit more investing. Maybe here,
here's some mac and trees. Doctor. Can I talk to
talk to my husband for a quick minute. Yes, honey,
I'm telling you I think she's doing drunks. I think
a boarding schoolould be appropriate for her. I think if
she goes right there, I'm telling you it's going to
(17:58):
be boarding school or the State's going to board her
in one of their own facilities. I think you know
what I'm talking about. Can I take her aside? Real quick?
Take her my daughter? I can come with you, would
you mind could be a little bit more, you know,
get more done having remind you guys, want me to
just hang back outside until you figure it out? Or
do you want me to doctor. Can I just have
(18:20):
a moment alone with my father? Okay, yes, lecture, fine,
I'll be I'll be out here looking over my notes
because a lot of notes, a lot of medals. There's
quite some time, I actually, Dad, Yes, she's trying to
kill me. The nurse no, Elizabeth, Dad? Do you think
the nurse's name is Elizabeth? Elizabeth? Who you your wife? Dad?
(18:41):
My wife? You're trying to trick me into sting stepmother
right now? Dad? Come on, she is trying to kill me. Okay, Dad,
But I want to tell you something. Yes, I know
she's trying to send me to boarding school. Have you
ever read the play of the Visit? Do you understand revenge?
Have I read the play The Visitor? Seen the play
Bring the Red? Or the plot? Dad? Dude? Well the
(19:04):
answers to both is now? Okay? Well, I just know
that if I go away, I'm only coming back stronger. Okay.
I guess it's win win for everybody. Because my wife
is rid of you. You become stronger, you come back,
and then you start calling her your stepmother. Dad. I
just I want you to know that I love you,
and no matter what happens, you know that. Okay, okay,
(19:25):
then we are some at school and then became a
doctor where I'm bam, I'm a doctor. Are you? Are
you in here now or not enough time? Okay, all right,
just for medical we are whatever you want your hand,
I'm sorry, we have to go for it. So what's
going on? I guess we're going to send it a
(19:46):
boarding school? Yea, welcome to the same thing, Nat. She
is boarding school for troubled young ladies who are not
willing to accept the fact that their father has remarried,
also unwilling to all right, all right now name please, Hi,
(20:07):
I'm Samantha. So I'm Samantha. Do you have any allergies?
Maybe two side dishes or metals? Not that I know. Well,
I will say this. My hair is falling out. I
haven't gotten a period and there's something growing out of
my side. I don't understand a positive to what was that? Nothing?
I can? Can I ask you a question? Yes, why
(20:31):
is there a mail that's allowed in this email? Boarding school?
It's unclear? Okay, Well, sister Kathleen, I just want to
make sure that I'm rooming with a girl, just because
Keith is coming on a little strong noted, would you
mind terribly. If I sideboard with Keith for just a moment,
will straighten all this out? Keith, she doesn't seem into
(20:52):
it all right, Well you know, I'm just I think
you might be wrong. But she's throwing you all the
signals that she doesn't really love it. So here's what
we're gonna do. She's throwing me all right to but
that's just me. I don't know because she remedy that
she did that with her one strand of hair. Just
just try to just hang back a little bit. Then
the litter. She does have a legitimate question. How are
we going to answer that? Why am I here? Okay,
(21:14):
I'll make something up. Hi, Hi, I am back? Okay,
So I I sideboard with Keith, and actually turns out
that Keith is a you know how installs they have
secret chaps, right, he's like one of those. He is
(21:36):
like he's here for lost prevention. Well, I mean he's
like auditing the facility. Okay, he wasn't supposed to blow
his cover that early, and he is a can I suggest, male,
I don't. I don't mean to overstep my bound or
if you want them to audit this, I feel like
maybe a wig? Yes, two people. He need wigs that
we can all agree. No, I have a medical condition.
(21:58):
Al right, I thought it was punk rock, Keith, let's not.
What did we say about harassing and insulting the other?
Don't do it while you're around? Yet, No, don't do
it while you're around. They do not do it? Okay,
all right, So so what are we going to do
to help you work on yourself? Honestly, I think I
don't need to work on myself. I'm pretty sure that
(22:20):
the reason I'm here is because the woman who married
my dad is a bitch, and she's been slowly trying
to force me out, and I think a little time
alone with her my dad's going to realize how bad
she really is. I'm in a similar situation. My my
mom and my dad don't want me. Okay, we know
that this isn't true. We were established. I write letters
(22:42):
adding every day you do. Yeah, it's actually kind of sweet, Keith. Yeah.
I never sent it to them, but I write them.
Ok why don't you send them? Yeah? Because there for
me before you like therapeutic for you, and so you
don't know, bingo, how is that helping? You're still hear it?
But I'm different than I got here? Think about it?
Are you stronger than you were? What? Else? You know? What? Miraculously? Yeah,
(23:05):
Keith has some good advice. Have you considered writing a
letter to your your father and your step what are
we calling her? Elizabeth? Okay? Well, have you considered writing
a letter to Elizabeth and your father and telling them
how you feel as opposed to just exploding in fits
of rage and hurling accusations towards them, thus winding you
(23:29):
up in a facility such as this one? I haven't okay,
so what should we should do? That? All that stuff? Then,
now that I said I want you to Keith, can
you you transcribe spill spill your feelings? And Keith, please
transcribe what she says ft down right down the things
she says. I don't want to sound awful when I
say this, but I just want to make sure if
(23:50):
you know how to write like I know you said
you've written letters to your mom and dad, but I
want to make sure you want you know how to
write words down right like or you didn't keep ribbling?
He she a, you oh shit, yea? How to write? Okay? Okay,
depends outside down because I'm checking to see if it works. Okay,
(24:11):
I'm gonna say my letter for my dad and if
you could just write it down, please? Which one start
with the first letter? Please? Can do you have like
an iPhone or something that you can just record this with?
Just say what you want to say and now remember it.
Keith Christ Okay, I guess I want to say, Dear Dad,
Elizabeth's drawn out, long game murder plot must come to
(24:34):
an end, right. I think that it's very suspicious that
you met her right before mom died, and then the
second she died, Elizabeth just moved in. I think that's weird.
Like whose caregiver who's on hospice, Like what hospice nurse
ends up marrying the dude that she cared for his
(24:55):
fucking dying wife. That's weird. Okay, Um, you know what
I you hang back. I'm going to relay this to
plot for a movie to it is, yes, Keith, yes,
it is. Could you please could you please stop mining
the personal tragedies of our clients for plots movie ideas? Please?
All right, thank you. I'm gonna go relay all this
(25:17):
to your to your parents if you don't mind the
party confidence with your parents, Okay, Elizabeth. Yes, Dad, I
would like to relay a letter that your daughter and
stepdaughter has has written you care go ahead, I Elizabeth.
First of all, this is way too long. It's like
(25:37):
twenty minutes long. Alright, take that letter. Can see this letter.
Your your daughter has your stepdaughter has written this letter
for Let read this letter. I'll give it to my
husband later. About that cases keep her there like we're ranged, Okay,
please don't change. All right, Well we plan alright, thank you, Okay,
(25:59):
good meeting. We'll get your weekly cash. So I spoke
to your Elizabeth Elizabeth. UM, I'm gonna go ahead and
keep you here for a while, if that's all right. Okay,
I see how this goes. I want to warn you,
sister Kathleen. Whatever you're eating, whatever you're drinking, it's going
to have aluminum minute and something that sounds like cardamum
(26:20):
had me um cad me yeah. Yeah. So it just
heads up because this woman will not be stopped. But
don't worry. I will spend my life making sure that
she dies of painful, sad death. I have hitched my
wig into the wrong horse eventually, real VI is it this?
You have to have a second be for this for sure.
It's so competite. Coming up back to the first the
(26:44):
word from our esteemed sponsors, stay with us. Back to
the interview today's guests. Contributor mandasid Coat, thank you for coming.
(27:06):
I long have you been listening to the show? I
have heard it once and you loved it. I did
so much and that just made you say I have
to do this show. Nice. That's about yourself you're from.
I'm from a small farm town in northern California called Davis. No,
it's called Morgan Hill. How far is it from Davis?
A couple of hours? Did you ever go to Davis? No,
(27:29):
I've not been to Davis. That's in like Sacramento area, right,
I'm like a Bay area. It to me like like
Bay areas, NorCal. I would say, why would you try
and get it from that? Davis about an hour hour
and a half. Okay, So tell me about your hidden
hills face Hill. Um, we are the mushroom capital of
California and right next to Gilroy, which is the garlic capital.
(27:53):
They're a little more famous. I've been there. Yeah, you
guys compete. No, um, but yeah, I think I got
to live in California. But have like a like live
in the Silicon Valley, but still have like a really
like wholesome upbringing. So we're talking about produced type mushrooms.
So we're talking about psychedelic produce. Do you want? If
(28:15):
you want psychedelic, you go up to like Eureka and Humboldt, Yeah,
which I've had. Like one of my best friends from
high school was a trimmer up in Humboldt for a while.
She buds. She said she would get picked up in
a van blindfold and then take it to a farm
and then she would just sit in chain smoke joints
and trim weed. Yeah, she came home with a like
(28:37):
a black trash bag full of weed. I think she's
a concierge at a hotel. We actually have that in
our archives, what she's doing now. We have footage of
her and her new job. It's a concierge and he gains.
We're gonna look at it now. Yeah, you want to
hear it. Can I get a table for two? Please? Yeah?
A table for two? Me and my wife? Yeah, listener
(29:02):
name Tager names Janet, Yeah, Janet right there on my
chest there. You need a need a table for two? Okay?
Are you not focused on what's going on. No, I'm
totally totally fine, totally fine. I also I hate to
tell people what to do with their jobs, but could
you put down the rice Crispy treat my holding a rice?
(29:24):
I'm so sorry. So it's just yeah, I realized I
was doing that. I'm so sorry. It's okay, Janum yeah
am I? Hey, am I wearing shoes? Lean over the counter.
I'm right, Okay, you are wearing shoes. I don't know
our Tiva's shoes. Would you call a Tiva's shoe or
is it? I believe it's a sports sandal. I mean,
(29:48):
you do constitute shoes. I guess they're coming your feet,
that's true, so I don't think they're appropriate for the restaurant. Okay,
I'm so Me and my wife are coming here for
quite some time, and please don't put that in your
re you when you leave. You need this job. After
My husband leaves reviews on both Google Yell and then
(30:08):
sometimes they'll take out personal ads just to kind of
a little bit more analog. But I like it. Well,
he wants He applied for a job at the paper
and got denied, so he took matters into his own hands. Wow,
and I don't regret it. Please don't do any of
those after this, or if you do, don't don't don't
talk mention. Please don't mention the tv US. But it's
okay if I mentioned the Rice Crispy, just I just
(30:29):
don't mention anything that's happened so far. It looks like
you're really watching su is that? Also? I turned my
phone over. I'm so sorry my phone that I don't have.
I don't have a phone here right, sure, Janet, Okay,
table for two. Okay, I'm just gonna take you right
here past the giraffe and I actually I'm say I
don't know that we would have quoted that Jane Is,
(30:51):
but we did. And that's what she's been after. Yeah,
that's what she's up to. That's how she That's really
nice to know. I haven't talked to her in a
long time. We keep dads and some be you know, randomly,
and then we have those dabs. Yeah, if it would
have if we would have kept playing it, we would
have seen that clearly. Still. Yeah, I mean I kind
of got that. So at one point you said this down,
(31:13):
I'm moving to Los Angeles. Um. I always told myself
like I hate l A. Funk out like I'll never
live in l A. That and then um, I was
living in San Diego working at the Old Globe because
I was a theater major, and I told myself, like,
I gotta work in regional theater. Didn't like it. And
then I kind of realized like what regional theater really
(31:35):
was and it wasn't what I thought I was. And
I bumped into a professor of mine from cal Poly.
I went to cal Poli San Luis Obispo. Shout out
to Pam Melkin. She changed my life and I mentioned her.
I was like, oh, there's this comedy theater I follow
called UCB that just opened in l A. And she
just said, well, why don't you move to l A.
And I literally walked in the other room and called
my parents and said I'm moving to l A. Yeah,
(31:56):
And then that was it. And then say they were
just like okay, but I mean you've always talked about
hating I was just like yeah, but like I gotta
do this thing, and so move there. Started taking classes
within like a week, and that's all I've been doing.
And then all of a sudden you're on stage. Oh God, no,
but I had like a lot of I feel like
(32:17):
I'm one of those people that's had a string of
weird jobs in l A. Like my first job in
l A. I worked for the Beverly Hills Fire Department.
I was the only civilian the work there, and I
ran the front desk. I wasn't allowed I wasn't allowed
to go to the barracks, so he never got to
see the actual fireman. Um, but I would sit in
front with Chief LaForge and answer the phone and then
(32:40):
UM process like fire permits for like wedding, like if
you ever get married, Um, you have to like prove
that your centerpieces aren't gonna light on fire. And so
they literally just do this thing where like your planner
brings your centerpiece to the fire department and then they
light the candles and hold a tissue two feet above
and if it catches fire, they're like, no, I can't
have that, Like that was part of my job. We
(33:01):
actually have a new you can say this. We actually
have a footage of your first day working at the
Beverly Hills Fire Department. Are archives. Hey, Chief Beforage, welcome, Well,
we were happy to have you here here at the
Beverly Hills Fire Department. A few rules ground rules. First
phone rings, answer it. That's rule number one. Rule number
(33:23):
two you take no no, thank you, Gregory, thank you.
Rule number three you are not, ever, under circumstances allowed
to come back to the period. No barracks. Do you understand?
(33:43):
Break room is over here on the left side. Okay,
the restrooms are on the right side. Okay. I'm just like,
are you guys always going to be this intense? No,
we don't. We don't have any reason to be this intense, unless,
of course, you come back the barracks. And if you do,
gotta have a problem, big problem, big problem. Do you
understand I do? Can I ask what happens in the barracks?
(34:06):
None of your business. You will not ask what happens
in the barracks. And if you find out, you're supposed
to forget immediately. Do you understand? Sure? Posted notes, other
office supplies are right here in this drawers have a water,
everything's triple filtered. It's very nice. What are you looking
(34:26):
at it? Just look the door right here. Yes, you're
looking doors. You're not looking at the bar. You will
not look at the barracks. Sorry, you will get a
parking pass. You get a parking pass, you will unfortunately,
have to park across the street at City Hall on
the other side of record. Yeah, well you'll have to
park there. Um, there's a vending machine that's right over here.
(34:48):
They also have them honey buns, and if you see
those with a white blaze. Nothing people ever come in
here and they're asking if they can get a permit
to build on their land. That's in city Hall on
the other side right as a building. I'm kind of
scared to ask. But if someone comes out of that door,
which door better not be the barracks. Doore that you're
(35:09):
talking about. No one's ever coming out of that door.
Never you mind if anybody comes out that door, So
help me Christ Almighty. If you even think about the
barracks door even existing, we're going to have a problem. Also,
if you could just not raise your hand like that
when you talk to me, it's just make a fist. Yeah. Well,
I'm serious about two things. Weddings being up to code
(35:34):
firewise with the center pieces. The second thing is you're
not going those barracks come out of those bars, not
going those barracks. Gonna wake up and apologize. Thank you.
Thank you. Okay. Also, I know that you go by
Chief Gregory. Is there something I should be using when
you call me Gregory? Okay? I can't help, but notice
(35:55):
your eyes are drifting from making eye contact with me
towards the door to the It's just just really intimidating.
And I feel like if I looked down, I looked disrespectful.
So I'm trying to look at the side, but they
were literally the only place to look is that door.
You can also look up. You can also look diagonal.
I can't do that. My eyes don't work that way.
Mine do look well. And also there's a Collie's Fudge
(36:16):
right across the street if you'd like to have some
Collies Fudge situation for you. There, Um only like seven
eight months, and would you do that? Seven eight months
because I had to be a permanent temp and I
needed healthcare. And so then I went and I was
the executive assistant to a celebrity chef. UM, and I
(36:37):
worked at his restaurant, and um, I'd never worked in
the restaurant world before, and I didn't realize, like that's
a whole fucking thing. Like what was his name, Chef
David Myers? He was a James Beard winner. We won
the Wine Grand Award from One Spectator the year that
I worked there. Yeah, so like they just needed someone
to work in the office and so I same thing,
like handled paperwork for the employees at the actual it
(37:00):
was any any crazy things happen. The thing I loved
about working there was every night at five pm, I
got to go to family meal, which I also I
had never worked in a restaurant before, so like to
a poor person pursuing comedy, like getting a free dinner
every night was huge. Oh and then there was one
night where we I newly started working there, and there
was also a new bookkeeper and they came to us
(37:21):
and they were like, we want you to know, like
this is like high fucking level dining, like should I've
never seen before. And they were like, we wanted to
know what it's like to eat here. So each of
you can bring a guest and you can have dinner here.
And I was like, oh, me and my best friend
are gonna have the best night of our lives. And
then the bookkeeper was like, well, why don't we just
go together, so then it's just the two of us,
and I was just like, you fucking dick, Like, why
(37:42):
would you do that? So then I had to just
sitting and have dinner with a coworker and it was
one of the best meals I've ever had in my life.
It just didn't know him, and he got really drunk
and cried and said we were gonna be the best
of friends, and then we ended up not getting along
the time I worked there. I think we have I
think we have. Yeah, I think we have that that dinner,
that magical dinner in the archives. So this is rabbit
(38:04):
and deer I've never had. You know what I like
about you? What's up, Derek? I think that you are
a very special person. Hey Derek. Yeah, we've only worked
together a couple of days, I know, and I feel
just like you have to finish your sins. I'm connected
to you. Okay. Also, this is the final course and
we're gonna have dessert. I just want to make sure
(38:25):
you're gonna Are you okay to go home? Are you
okay to get home? No? No, no, no. I just
want to make sure you're gonna get home safely, you know,
because like we drove here, we're hanging out after work,
you know, Like my car has parked around the corner. No, no, no, no, no,
I think you're misunderstanding me. I'm not propositioning you, and
I'm saying you or because you'd be very inappropriate if
(38:47):
you if you did. Yeah, Hello, welcome everybody to family night.
I started to want to make a toast to Dick
and the Man that I think it's been so beautiful
to watch your love blossom over the course of this meal,
and I know the two of you are going to
(39:08):
have very happy again. Congratulations to the happy love birds
walk enjoy much mind mind mine. Derek, just to be clear,
we are not dating. I didn't say we are. People
think that we should clearly. Oh God, hold my hand
(39:30):
and telling me that you don't feel the same, Derek,
You just like dribbled a bunch. This is why I
need someone like you to take care of me, because
you are concerned about my dribbling again. Yeah, I know
this is a very unorthodox to make two toss, but
I would just like to make an unpresented to the
second toss to Ideic and Amanda. May you love last
(39:55):
at longest the flavors of my abundant I don't know,
I didn't Hi, everybody, I'm told. Okay, I just want
to clarify because you know we're all gonna be working
together and this meal has been phenomenal. I cannot thank
you enough. Um, Derek and I are not dating. We're
(40:16):
not in love. Okay, okay, I'd like to make a
toasters a rebuttal to the toasted that Amanda just amid
that I can see in the both of your is
that you're both going to get the long very well
the rest of your life, long, happy manage. You can
know what you got, Amanda, Just really quick. You guys, Derek's,
first off, not my type. And I just want to
(40:36):
say that I would never date a coworker because that's inappropriate.
Toast hold on macadetic, I got this. Why do you
think it's not your type? Boy? You think you're the
good voted that you know. It's like I'm like your
glass if you call so sorry, Derek, this has nothing
to do against you. I just like I like like again. No,
(40:59):
I like barrel chested men, men with like strong big hands,
and he's got like computer soft hands. Anything you having
the floor? Oh yeah, yes, yeah, man. The pleas to
clean up with that except moment that there's now a please,
it was bad. It was bad, So it tells a
(41:20):
bit more about So you and I managed it USTv
and you liked it there, I loved it. It really
is my home. I don't know what I would do
without of it, you know, Like it was where all
of my best friends came from, and it gave me
like something to go to every night and all that
kind of stuff. So it was like the best time.
And he used to keep in with other people pretty close,
(41:40):
like talk to them almost every day. It's beautiful. Yeah,
there was a group of us that formed an email
chain about like a weekend trip up to my parents
house that like the chain went has still kind of
like existed, but like for a while it was like
it's over a decade old. The same email on Gmail
that keeps going sounds like a movie idea. Has anything
that is going and you want to tell us about
(42:01):
that's important? Are you plugging anything you want to talk about? No,
I'm just plugging staying healthy and safe, guy, which is
very important for people because other people are not doing
that right now. Thanks safe. You know, there's a new
thing coming out. It's strain, invariant, variant. Everybody's to be
massed up. Just prepare, you know, and just be healthy,
(42:22):
be good to yourself. Get vaccinating. Yeah, I get that.
That get that booster. Yeah, it's important to get the booster.
Amanda sid COO, thank you so much for coming, Thanks
for having me. Guys coming up at three. But first
a word from our sponsors who make this high quality
program possible. Stay with us. Had three Hi hi in
(42:53):
the water. Fisherman's hope for dinner soon turned to despair.
I've been waiting for a excluded fish. It is fishy jeans.
Good things are running dry, little desperate laird's gotta eat.
My wife's gotta eat. Something's gotta eat, My daughter's gotta eat.
(43:14):
You gotta eat, and you gotta eat, and you gotta eat,
and we all gotta eat. The fish gonna come by
her hook. Do you know when Walter maybe maybe singing
this song and is not helping us getting the fish?
Where do you think you're scaring him? Just doing something?
Because I don't. I ain't got nothing. I have a
lying out, I have a net out, and I have
(43:35):
a ship on a bait and nothing. Yes, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. I must look crazy that you guys right,
now I'm not wearing shoes. Um, could you keep me safe?
What I wanted to be? I think I'm being a hut.
Are you guys supposed to give me the twenty five
dollars or am I just supposed to keep going to
(43:55):
five dollars? Who I had twenty five bucks, I would
not be sitting here fishing, finishing? Okay? Please? Did you
just get me to safety? So when it is following
me a crossbow, please calm yourself. Calm yourself. We'll work
on your breathing. Focus on your breathing. Okay, until it's
(44:19):
get that. Where would I get the five dollars if
somebody promised it? Do you have you ever signed up
for a focus group? I have a long time ago.
You remember I signed both for it that place, the
pitt place, the pet place for the taste test, Yeah,
taste testing for the food for the dogs. They wanted
to make sure that it was okay for me. I
(44:40):
signed up. I thought I was gonna be eating dog food.
But I got taken to a room where they took
all my personal blo and they put me in a
van and they drove me out here. And as I
was walking through the forest, arrows started raining down on me,
and I don't understand what's happening, Like, didn't they give
you the twenty five dollars first? Yet they haven't? You
(45:04):
need to run run? I'm running with you. Oh god,
this van. You guys are right. We're being hunted right
now with arrows. Let me just kind of She's being
hunted and I'm being hunted by by osmosis, by proxy proxy?
(45:27):
What what I start at the beginning? How did this start?
Why are they hunting you? I got promised twenty five dollars, right,
and so I showed up for a focus group. Nobody
gave me twenty five Do you didn't get Why didn't
you get in front? I wasn't thinking, and they just
told me take off your shoes, give us your stuff.
(45:47):
Getting this van and I started walking through the forest,
I started being hunted. I met this dude, this other
guy died, and now I'm here and I don't know what.
Let me see if I get this stream dry, I
(46:13):
have all these out effects. Sorry, we're gonna go. I
don't even know where to go. Take take take a
left down here storage court line. What you're gonna go
back to? Get your fishing line. We gonna get fish.
I will buy you a fishing line with Okay, okay,
turn out your storage run okay, okay, okay. This is
(46:36):
Elizabeth's house. It's a woman. I know she's gonna help us. Okay, alright,
bring the doorbell. Hi, Hello, Hi, so sweaty both of you?
Is everything? Okay? Can we speak to Elizabeth? Elizabeth? Elizabeth here,
she's so high? This is Elizabeth, my husband. Yes, Hi, Elizabeth,
(46:59):
you remember when you knew me as a little girl.
Wait a minute, No, I'm sorry, Elizabeth, we've missed you know.
You know who I am? No, you know who I am.
This is her. I know what happens to my daughter.
She's been Well, it's time for you to read what
you sewed. What is that supposed to mean? What is
that supposed to mean? All I know? Is it? Something
(47:22):
terrible is going to happen to you? Lizabeth. I'm so sorry, dad, No, No,
it's fine. What's about I would like to pay you
dollars just getting this woman off my hand. So it
produced you to Andy and especially guest contributor in manest though,
I'm your host. Sorry, And this was this American laugh
(47:44):
with Aristatatari and Andy Harris join us next time. This
American Laugh with Aristotle Attari and Andy Harris can be
found wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe,
rate and review. You can also find us on Instagram
at This American Laugh and on Twitter at a American
Laugh with three Hes. That's American Laugh with three Hes.
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