January 29, 2024 • 52 mins
Jana, Kristen and Kathryn are all parents of multiple kids, so they need to hear some tips and encouragement from the women behind Big Little Feelings! Kristin Gallant and Deena Margolin have some incredible lessons and advice on how to set boundaries for your kids while encouraging positive behavior.
Find out what to do (and what not to do) when your kid is acting out, and learn how to get your child to be more comfortable talking about their big little feelings!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hi guys, Hello, Hi, Oh well we've just had some snow.
We've had some snow days we have. You know, one
of my friends posted the other day who doesn't isn't
in our industry? And it actually kind of made me laugh.
She was like, what's with the fashion show photo shoots
in the snow? So she was like, why is my
feed just full of like people in perfect ski suits?
(00:27):
And I was like, yeah, so you can always check
in here and know that that's not true. Well, it
was funny because I was talking to one of our
girlfriends in Queendom well minus two, there's three left, but
process of elimination. But she was basically saying how she was,
you know, she had a lot of work to do,
so she was she you know, she felt bad because
(00:51):
she saw everybody out on Instagram with the kids in
the snow, and I'm like, listen, yeah, I was like,
it's all lies. Friend. Yes, we had fun for five
minutes and then Jess like his coming.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Down, this is not fun.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
And I'm like and I felt But at first I
didn't post it because I'm like, I'm literally laughing at him, Oh,
it's you have to laugh at that though, But you know,
people are like, don't laugh at your kids. But that
was I'm sorry, that's what's funny. I've never identified more
with a human in all my life. I was like, Jace,
come live with me. I'm your person.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
He also looked like he was having fun at first,
so's you know what I mean. In my head, I
was like, he looks like he's having fun. He's halfway
smiling as he's saying this is not fun.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
I feel like, yeah, he was screaming at the top,
then this is not fun, and then I think at
the bottom he liked it. But it was. I mean,
it was five minutes and my friend we all got dressed.
It took us twenty five minutes to get dressed for
a five minute snowplayed. Somebody has to pee the minute
they're dressed. You have to undress. So I'm like, don't
feel bad. I'm like, Instagram is just full of lies.
(01:52):
Oh I didn't go out. I didn't have fun though.
I mean, I will say Jolie is my girl when
it comes to I mean, she just was rolling buried
her in the snow like she's like, mom, bury me
like she's my little Michigan heart. With the snow, I
feel nervous. I got nervous in the snowstorm that I
my kids might move someplace cold to live forever, and
I'm gonna have to move there to be with grand
(02:14):
babies because they're so in right now and I am not.
Who's in love and Legend are outside like they are
all in on snow. Yeah. Yeah, I just actually the worst.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
I don't even really go out. Mine just kind of
get I mean, Nick might go out every now and then.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
They just go, well, we have a great hill for
sledding in our front yard. So I did bribe Jase
the second day because I just am like the thing
with me in him, I'm like, you're a kid, like
have fun. It's like he's allergic to fun. Sometimes I
feel bad even saying but he's just he's just more
sensitive and just more like doesn't Yeah, he's just really
(02:50):
it's comfort, yeah, you know, but I'm like I want
him to like have fun. I saw this quote or
seam or whatever it was, was basically saying, I know
you're busy, You've had a hard day. It's a long
day of work, X Y and Z, But remember this
is their childhood. And that really hit me because I'm like,
you know, what, what do you want? Like go put
the TV. It's like this is a childhood, like have
(03:11):
fun and like this is these are the years that
they're going to remember. Yeah, I do think he'll grow
out of that, for sure. I don't And honestly, I
don't know, because it's just how he's always been. He
loved Love was like him and I think it was
because of COVID and yeah, with at that age, every
I remember post COVID, he was like home, home, home
because we just stayed home same. Yeah, and so I
was like baby no, Like we would remember Mike and
(03:32):
I would take him out just to go to the
grocery store because but he would scream home. Well, it's weird.
Like I remember the first time we took Legend out
his real first outing was monster jam and he was
like kind of it was so stimulate. He was like
yallow trash can And I thought maybe we should have
just like hopped by Walgreens or something and don't take
the edge off, you know, like it's a lot for
(03:53):
their brains. But Love was always like that. And now
she's like she rides roller coasters at Disney and yeah,
well that's yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
I mean I think all personalities are, you know, they're
all different. Yeah, you may gro out of it, or
he just may be one that doesn't enjoy that.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
And that's okay. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine with it. I
just when it comes to snow though, I think because
I grew up in the snow, I'm like, this is fun. Yeah,
you know, but I have to because I grew up
in the snow. I'm like, stay inside, it's miserable, and.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
I'm like.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
I loved it as a kid, Like I loved it.
Oh my gosh, we do ice igloes like the whole thing.
You were also a nice skater, though, sure I was
used to cold. Having said that, have you guys watched
that movie Society in the Snow? Yes? Okay, So Alan
and I watched it over this This Arctic blast is
what the weather people were saying. He's like, Alan's like,
(04:47):
we survived the blast because they can't just say a snowstorm.
They have to make it super dramatic. So we watched
it and so are kind of running joke, which it
shouldn't be a joke, but we're like, he's because we
asked would you be able to survive? And so I'm like, yeah,
I think I could. And then two seconds outside like
my feater, he's like, really the Andies, you could survive
(05:07):
the Andiess. But Society of the Snow is a true
story of these ur Gandhi. They're uh, I'm not football,
what's the rugby players? The plane crashes, I'm gonna butcher this.
I think it's nineteen seventy two, and there were these
survivors that were there for seventy two days outside in
the Andes and they stopped the search, like the whole thing.
(05:30):
So we watched this movie and it takes about seventy
two days to watch it because it's so long. But
it's a great it's a great man. It's a good movie.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
It just gave me such anxiety though, and I don't
usually get anxiety from movies. I had to like kind
of stop for a while and go back and stop
and go back.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
It was a lot.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Not to give it away, but like when the like
snow came into the into the plane like twice in
a row, I'm like in my head, I'm like just
take me like I couldn't.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
I couldn't do it. Well, here's the question that I
want to post. And this might be this is morbid,
but I want to know, like, first of all, yeah,
seventy two days, what would you do to survive? Is
basically the question because these and this is something they
didn't show in the movie, but they got a lot
of hate for what they did sure out there. Yeah,
(06:21):
so they had to eat the dead bodies to survive. Guys,
I don't even eat chicken, So I think we all know.
I'm first. They should eat me. Actually, so I guess
the first one. What would you do to survive? Not much?
That's my answer. Not much, you guys, it's miserable, Like
being cold to me is like miserable. And we grew
(06:42):
up in the same place. I do not enjoy I
hate to say it, like it's beautiful for a day
while it's sunny. I think that's one benefit we get
here because Michigan stays so gray for so long. Yeah,
I just do not. I don't enjoy it. We have
friends that are like, come to bail. If you're put
in that situation and it's either life or death, dy
like you like, you know you will die if you
(07:02):
don't eat because you can only have what and you'll
die if you don't have food in seven days, water
and three. I think it was threes. The threes.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
I think it was like three weeks or something, three
days without one. It's like in the movie they said
that something about threes. Okay, I don't remember exactly, but
what would you do?
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Would you like?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Then?
Speaker 2 (07:23):
That kind of posed the question because Alan's like, do
you think you'd survive? Would you eat my leg cat?
Speaker 3 (07:29):
I honestly don't know. I mean I would think if
I got as far as those people did, because so
many people didn't. I mean, so many people didn't even
survive to that point. But if you're at that point,
I mean I probably would have.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
You'd be non at my ribs. You're like a kit
kat or something, you know, not yours. Definitely somewhere what
I told you a go macro bar with a heartbeat.
It's not gonna work for us. Here's I told Alan
though about that, And this is what I would do
in that situation. Personally, if it had been a couple
days for me, I can't sit still and just wait
(08:08):
to be rescued. I would have started walking walking, I
guest as soon as I could because I know that
if they did get found, then someone would, you know,
go find me or something or say, hey, she started
walking that way. I could not just sit there and
wait for someone to come rescue me. Now I get
the circumstances, but I just was like, I'd rather die
trying than than than die.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Waiting, especially once they went to the top of mountain
and realized you couldn't see it, you know, like I
feel like there was hope until that point, but then
they walked up and it was like they looked down
and it was like you can't see it from the sky.
Then I would have worked on what do we need
to do to make this work? To start walking?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Yeah, I agree, but it also maybe goes I don't
want to get in the plane. But it was also
nineteen seventy something, so but anyways, I don't know why.
I guess gotten that a spoiler alert. I still don't
know if I would eat, but I don't know why
I would like to be I'd like to start walking first,
because again, you're going to deteriorate as time goes on.
So it's like my healthy self would want to start
(09:05):
the trek. Yeah, as as soon as possible to get out.
I'm a movement person, so we would have to make
something happen. Yeah, yeah, poofties. Anyways, I just.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Can't believe they got so much hate for that, like survival,
and it's not like they killed them, they were oh yeah,
and a lot of survival is such my body instinct too.
That's why I say, I don't know, like, I don't
know if instincts would kick in to where it's just like,
how do I survive?
Speaker 2 (09:30):
You know? I mean I can barely swallow an Omego
three without puking, because so like it would, but I
think that'd be really hard. But again, if you're done,
you know, and you're dead, I don't know, so to
not out. I do have metal rods in my bag,
so over what it's worth, y'all could use that. I
just feel like somewhere, I know, right hike up the mountain,
(09:52):
I guess I don't know. It's hardware and fam weird.
I'm glad you watched that so we could talk about them.
I'm glad I'm never going to so we can already
all right, we're gonna take a break and then we're
going to get Kristen and Dina on They've got a
podcast called after Bedtime Big Little Feelings Instagram as well,
so it's going to be it's a it's a mommy
(10:13):
group essentially that you wish she had, so get them
on after the break.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Hey guys, hi, hi hi.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Okay, So Kristen is literally obsessed with you guys, so
I am she basically yeah, and you girls are again,
like anytime you're ever in Nashville, let's just do a
little like mom Mom Night. That'd be super fun. But Kristen,
do you want to just take it away with your
obsession here? Well yeah, okay, so I'm not obsessed like
(10:55):
I am with Jessica Simpsons. I want to clarify, I
don't know your birthdays or like your favorite color, so
it's healthy. See in that way, I actually didn't know
what you looked like until just now. So it's like
the great news is I'm obsessed with your content in
your brains. So it's like, that's the best. I felt
like you were one of the first resources I found
that felt to a line with the way I was
parenting and the need to actually like understand these little
(11:19):
people more than just like we know innately that they
need discipline, and they need boundaries because that's part of
how they feel safe. We know it. But then you
put yourself like in the actual like scenarios, and it's
really difficult sometimes to parent strong willed world leaders. I'm
(11:40):
positive I'm just going to keep speaking it over him. Yeah,
but the I am raising Will Ferrell, Okay, so there's
part of it. He's also the most alpha man I've
ever met in my life besides my own father. Tell
me how to raise my son. Go ahead, dis start
anywhere you'd like, but more info.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
But I think you answered it right. It's about firm boundaries.
Speaker 5 (12:04):
It's about letting them know that you know, you do
hear them, you do see them, right, because I do
think that that's where our parents' generation kind of missed
the boat, right, and it leaves certain kids feeling really unempowered.
Not maybe not the strong willed ones, but they're unempowered
and they're people pleasers. And that's how I am now, right,
(12:25):
We're just like, whatever you need. I'm so sorry. Here's
here's a big tip. I'm so sorry to bother you.
It's your job, but I'm so sorry to bother you.
And then for those strong willed kids when they don't
feel seen and they don't feel heard. While you're setting
the boundary, by the way, you're not letting them do
what they want. You're setting the boundary.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
But when you.
Speaker 5 (12:42):
Avoid the like making them really feel heard, you're just exasperating.
You're just dealing with the show all day, right, So
it's like all we really have to do is know
as parents, we know what's best. We're holding those healthy
boundaries and making our kids feel seen and heard and
safe at the same time.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yeah, which is hard, by the way, when they're like
screaming at you and they're on the floor, or they're
like doing exactly what you just told them not to do,
it's hard.
Speaker 4 (13:07):
It's hard.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
What about like, And I've said this a few times
with my daughter, where it's I can tell that she
wants to say something, but I don't. It's like she
won't say it because it's either she might think it
might hurt my feelings or I don't know. I Sometimes
I just look at it and I'm like, Jolie, do
you want to do you have any feelings around something?
She's like no, And I'm like you do, like you do?
So I'm like and then I like, I feel like
(13:29):
I'm trying to push to like know what it is,
but it's like, how do I get her to meet me?
It's like, you know, you can always talk to me
and I'm here to listen to anything you want to say,
but she still doesn't come. So I'm like, what did
I do wrong? And then like, how do I like
repair this to have her talk to me?
Speaker 4 (13:45):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:45):
I mean I'm curious how old is she?
Speaker 2 (13:47):
By the way, She's about to be eight in January
or this okay, the end of this month.
Speaker 4 (13:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Yeah, So they start to have like their own little
lives at this point. You know, they're getting bigger and
they have their own experiences, but a few thoughts. I'm
sure Kristin has them too. I don't think you're doing
anything wrong necessarily. All children are just different in how
they experience their feelings, share about their feelings, handle them.
(14:13):
You know, some kids are just not as comfortable directly
talking about feelings. And there's a few things that we
can do at home to kind of, you know, support it.
The main thing is we want to normalize feelings. So
even us sharing about our feelings, like oh, you know
today at work, there was someone we kind of didn't
agree on things. I was feeling frustrated. I took a second,
(14:35):
and then I had a conversation to share, you know,
and we talked it through. Even just kind of normalizing
feelings in general, just it helps so much because there's
no such thing as a bad feeling, and the feelings
are happening inside, whether we share about them or not. Really,
you know the.
Speaker 5 (14:54):
One My daughter is seven, so she'd get into the
similar age, and she's probably very similar to where they
really don't want to like ruffle the boat.
Speaker 4 (15:02):
They don't want to ruffle any feathers, not about you.
Speaker 5 (15:05):
But I'm frankly more worried about that kid than my
strong willed kid. Like I know it's hard to a
parent a strong oiled kid. I'm more worried about, you know,
the little girl or boy that's like really wanting to
keep the peace and not wanting to ruffle feathers. It's
nothing you did wrong, right, some of us are more
prone to that You're doing great because you're trying to
have that dialogue. I do find with mine an amazing
(15:26):
thing that we do is at bedtime, so it's just
me and her or just her dad and her. We'll
do like what made you happy today? What made you
sad today? And what are you looking forward to tomorrow?
Speaker 1 (15:37):
Right?
Speaker 4 (15:37):
Or Rose and Thorn or anything like that.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
We do sad part and happy part every single dinner,
which now they go, Mommy, what was your sad part
of the day? So I don't even have to say anymore.
Now it's become something they want to so like it's
every single night, and I do like that piece.
Speaker 5 (15:50):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel like that, And especially if
you do do it one on one too, where there's
like not a lot of chaos and it's just them.
And maybe since already doing that at dinner, you could
do something differ like Rose and Thorn or it just
opens up. You'll be so surprised how just that intimate
moment of just them, there's no siblings, there's no food around,
and you know they really open up about their day
(16:12):
or something that might have happened.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Yeah, you could also One last idea is keep a
little bull in your house that at any point she
can write down whatever she's feeling or wanting to share
about and kind of drop it in for you to see.
Just another idea like that.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
It's funny because my daughter is like our daughters are
the same age and our sons are the same age,
and then we both just had brand new babies, so
we're like we kind of lean into each other. But
we've really come to realize, like our sons are really
so different, you know, Like Jase is such a sweet, handsome,
good person, and Legend is a sweet handsome person, but
(16:48):
I'm in an abusive relationship with him right now. My
son is just not he's not the he's just not
really the typical boy. Like he's just more he's just
a little softer. He's a lot softer. It's okay, we're friends. Yeah,
he's quite a bit softer. Actually he's a good man.
But my daughter pulls out her file folder at the
end of the day, like I get in bed with
(17:08):
her and we like, you know, and she's like, great,
glad you're here. And she starts like, you know, like
all the things she's ready to download me on because
she's waiting.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
I've gottenn agenda, mom, let's go.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
She does. So let me I think, because two thirds
of us are in this season, can we ask if
there's any best advice for we just brought home new
babies and the gap is pretty big because both big
kids are like eight and five, and now we have
like a two months and seven month old. Is there
any like proactive things you could think in your arsenal
(17:43):
for us to participate in, like daily or weekly. Maybe
that would help with keeping I think so far right
on your team too. Everybody is really loves the baby,
so we don't have any of that. No disliking, Yeah,
no disliking of the baby.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
That's a lot, isn't it so much?
Speaker 5 (18:00):
Which well, it's so much easier if you will with
the big kid stage, because that's sort of like primal jealousy. Whoa,
I don't know what's going on, is kind of missing,
which is nice. I have it was right like a
seven year old four year old when I had the newborn,
and it was such a different thing than having two
kids closer together where they love the baby and they're
(18:22):
excited about the baby and they totally get it, which
is nice.
Speaker 4 (18:26):
I think in my.
Speaker 5 (18:27):
Household the thing now that he's fifteen months old, I
can see when you add that third and it's just
less attention no matter how you splice it right, whether
it's because they're a newborn or just because you just
have another little body, so we have the ten minute miracle.
This really does work for not just toddlers but also
big kids, where every single day if you can take
(18:48):
ten minutes just you and that kid. And I think
especially for big kids, it can feel overwhelming because you're
like I should be taking them to Disneyland, I should
go to you know, we should be going to color
me mine or whatever. But really, truly, even at the
big kid stage, if you take ten minutes and have
somebody else take the baby, and somebody else take and
put your phone down and do anything. It could be
(19:09):
quite coloring, it could be anything. It's just giving them
that attention that in the chaos in my house really
doesn't happen.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
For the doctor totally that too. Yeah, he said how
that affects the brain and what that does for a
child too, which is you know, I think that's great.
Kat you were saying, or you were saying not soft.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
Well, I just don't think that you can equate and
not to like contradict what you were saying, but that
like good kid soft. No, I don't think he's a
bad kid, you know what I mean, He's just think alpha.
They're also because like I have an alpha boy who
is now fourteen, very alpha, but also very much a
good kid, you know what I mean. So I just
(19:49):
wanted to say because it sounded like we were kind of,
you know, comparing that. But also I think that ten
minute thing. I don't even realize that I do that. Oh,
but I do that. I mean I I've always said,
and we've kind of talked about this before, making sure
that you have time for each child, because I've got three,
but fourteen to seven, and man, is that so important?
Speaker 2 (20:10):
It feels like that way for me as an adult,
even you guys like but.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
Even the fourteen year old doesn't even know it, doesn't
realize it. We may talk about a lot, we may
talk about nothing like it's just And then also, I
was going to say, when you were asking about Jolie,
it hasn't ha started as much with Ramsey, but I
really did it with emmy very specific questions, so like
(20:34):
I started asking her not just you know, how is
your day or what did you do at school? Just
very like, hey, who all sitting at the lunch table? Now, okay,
so so and so is sitting at the other table,
So what does that mean?
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Are they?
Speaker 3 (20:45):
And we just like asked very specific, gets the conversation going. Yeah,
so I feel like that you avoid.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
The whole like how was school today good? You know,
what did you do?
Speaker 3 (20:54):
Yeah, that's what I normally will do. That's what I'll
get like, how is your practice good? Okay, Like okay,
so did this you know? I mean, it's just very specific.
Finally gets her talking because she would prefer probably not
to talk about all this stuff too. But then I
just really get her going, and that's just been helpful.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I think where I fall to my problem, which is
I'd love to lean on you guys for this is
you know, the ten minute thing. I'm like, all right,
I would love to do that. Having said that, if
I was to do ten minutes, it's like, Jolie and
Jace are so together all the time. They play together
all the time, and part of that I feel bad
because I'm like, go play with your brother, go play
with your sister, and they're always playing together where and
(21:45):
Jace is you know, He's like, well, if I was
to take that minute with Jolie or ten minutes, you know,
and I take her to her the nails, but I don't.
It's to me, I'm like every day for ten minutes.
I'm like, Jace is going to want to just get
in on all that, you know, because he's just so
I don't want to say codependent on me, but just no,
I mean it's they're five, that's if he's just age two,
(22:08):
either wants to be around me or Jolie you know,
and just on us all the time. And so I
think that's you know, I can say go play with
Alan or whatever, but it's it's also you know, who
want to do what we're doing. So how do I
find that time to make sure I get those ten
minutes each and then because and then on top of that,
(22:30):
is it bad to always say go play with your brother,
go play with your sister?
Speaker 4 (22:33):
Two questions? I love that.
Speaker 5 (22:35):
Well, first of all, I just want to say again
because this is I have true experience with like the
literal exact same age gap. So I just have to say,
even this week, I'm like I cannot, like, I'm really
impressed that you were saying you just do that naturally,
because I'm like, I don't. I mean, like like you said,
the older two just play together all the time, and
then a lot of my focus is on the baby.
(22:55):
And then you know, we just go through our day.
So a I don't think it has to be every day.
I think that you can do what you can. I
also think that your partner can step in. I also
think that like an aunt can step in. Sometimes Dina
will take my kids and just have a one on
one time with the oldest or something, you know, just
making sure they sometimes feel that attention. And then when
it comes to them wanting to be together, I think
it's just important that they we normalize that we have
(23:18):
special time together. I go on dates with my husband
all the time, right, and I think that's important to
normalize and to show my kids. And so it's kind
of similar where you know, maybe the other one can
do screen time or something that they really love, or
maybe they're I don't know. We have to get creative
with ideas, but just knowing it's never gonna be seventy
five minutes, it's really gonna be ten minutes.
Speaker 4 (23:38):
Here's a timer we can have, like.
Speaker 5 (23:39):
A visual cueue, just to know we're all gonna be
back together in ten minutes. And by the way, you
get the ten minutes too, right, This is just for you.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Yeah, literally, if I told them just when you said
screen time. If I told Joey, like, let's go color Jason,
you can watch your screen, She's like, well you watch screen,
you know, because it's just yeah, because they don't get
it in my house like ever, so I'm gonna have
to think of something else because she's big. It's a
time minutes up yet, like.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
It takes a little bit of coordinating sometimes, like when
I do this recently, I have to literally set up
a plan with my husband for that time to be like, okay,
you take the other one, like you're doing your special
ten minutes now, right, you know.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
And I think that's something else because I mean, Alan
does My fiance's incredible with the kids, and he'll be
like he takes Jason a monthly mandate, so he'll take
him to a little restaurant that's in town. So that
with that way, I can be like our jolly girl
date us. But it's just hard because it's like now
the baby, we don't have help. It's just like.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Yeah, well and I don't think it has to be
that big of a gang, but you know, no where.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
I always go though, because I'm like I feel bad
that it's not some big.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
It doesn't Yeah, and that's the thing, and like I
was just thinking about it a It got easier for
me as I got older. Obviously, they don't play together
like they are three kids that do separate things. Maybe
the girls will do skincare together every now and then, right,
so that but also if we don't get it at home,
we get it in the car. So there's also that
like because we've got so many sports and it's rare
(25:00):
that they're all together, which is not everyone's case, but
we're all going different places. So that's where a lot
of it ends up happening for us, is just one
on one time in the car like the cat.
Speaker 5 (25:09):
By the way, we started doing Harry Potter with my
seven year old on the way to gymnastics. Now sometimes
the baby and the middle is in the car and
so it's not quite the peaceful thing you would imagine, right,
But some of the time we have this new ritual
where we listen to Harry Potter on the way to gymnastics.
Speaker 4 (25:26):
If I can ever take her alone, that.
Speaker 5 (25:28):
Counts, you know, and you have ten old like I
don't think I had special time ten minute miracle on
my radar when I had a two month old. I mean,
this is not the time to be doing anything other
than what you're doing right now, like throw that away
and then when your baby three months, four months, six months,
they're crawling around, you know, then do the tenmanut miracle.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Like, you know, what almost goes a really long way
too when it comes to like the baby or just
having a sibling in general, is you know those days
where it's like one of them is just so annoyed
with the other one, or the baby's been crying and
it's just kind of hard on the other kid to
be able to just at bed time or whenever, in
a quiet moment, just validate that and be like, you know,
(26:11):
being a brother, being a sister, it can be really
hard sometimes, you know, because a lot of times our
instinct is to kind of push through and be like no, no,
you know, like we love them, they're your best friend
or your friend for life. But really when we can
just like give them that space to be like, yeah,
sometimes it's really hard, Like it really goes a long
way for them.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
What is y'all's opinion on discipline? I knew we were
gonna go, you know, I actually was gonna ask for myself,
like what is what do you think is appropriate discipline
for not being too soft or too hard.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Yeah, I mean, discipline's a very confusing thing. Like, let's
just start off there, there's a million and one opinions
about how to approach things. So yes, very confusing. But
if you start to just get to the root of
like what the word actually means. The Latin root is
to teach. We're teaching our kids how to deal with
(27:07):
tricky situations and big feelings in safe ways. Like really,
that's the root of it. So yeah, I think it
depends on kind of just like what area of discipline.
But when we think about it from that filter, like
we're teaching them how to deal with things.
Speaker 5 (27:24):
Well, we're also teaching them better behavior, right, we want
them to be better behaved, we want them to be empathic,
we want them to be nice, we want them to
be kind.
Speaker 4 (27:32):
But we also have to realize a.
Speaker 5 (27:34):
The true meaning it's to teach and then be where
they are at in their brain development. So even your
ten year old, you know, sure we give a two
year old a past, but a ten year old's brain
is still.
Speaker 4 (27:45):
Not fully formed.
Speaker 5 (27:45):
We're still literally actively teaching from the time that they
are born all of these skills and I think that
gets missing in the conversation where we would never be
really harsh and punish if they didn't in their ABC's
or if they swung and they hit, they didn't hit
the baseball right, and maybe when I was younger, you
(28:06):
still got punished for that. But we've kind of a
good coach and a good teacher and a good post.
Speaker 4 (28:11):
Like they are leading confidently. They're letting you make mistakes.
Speaker 5 (28:16):
They are not necessarily happy about the mistakes. They're not
allowing the mistakes. They're not letting you run the show
or run the shit, but they know that you're there
to be their teacher and to be their guide. So
when you look at discipline as a whole in that way,
I think it's really helpful right where it's like in
those really hard moments when they make a mistake, when
(28:37):
there is unwanted behavior, we can let them know firmly,
like hey this is not okay. Hey you do not
hit your baby's sister. Hey you have to get your
homework in on time. We can be firm and still
not like scare the living shit out of them, because
that's not going to help them learn.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Right, Because what we know about brain science exactly what
we know about brain science now is that when our
kids feel scared, like when we're loud we're threatening them,
their brain kind of shuts down, like they actually can't
take in new information, they can't think, they can't reflect
on how to do better, so they're really not learning
what to do for next time.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
I do feel that, and so in recent episodes here
at wind Down, I said publicly that legend my middle
And by the way, he's a lover. He's a good dude.
He's really super smart. He's too smart almost you know
the type, and he is just I am alone about
(29:37):
two hundred nights a year. My husband is in music
and he's gone, and it until a month ago, has
just literally been us no help. Okay, So I need
to frame that because this dude gains ten more pounds
and he's going to be bigger than me, right, So
the testosterone is raging at his age group. It's starting
to really show itself. And we're a pretty girly household
(29:58):
for very feelings. He does say things I feel sad,
I feel angry, which I have been really proud of
because he's able to like name some things instead of
just crying or storming out or whatever. So what we've
run into though, is that he literally will just scream
at me like it's like maddening, right, and I stay
calm and I just say, I'm not going to do
(30:19):
that with you. I see that you're sad. You know, listen, guys,
I'm a follower on Instagram. I'm cutting out all your
little things. I've downloaded your little you know, mobile e
books and all the things. Right, So there was a
time where Legend Broth got soap in his mouth. I
was not angry when I did it. I said, you
are not going to speak to me that way. You're
(30:39):
not going to speak to me that way. And by
I said, on three, you are going to get soap
in your mouth. I know Christ's taking a drink of
coffee for those that can't see, because she does want
to frame us in.
Speaker 4 (30:50):
A way vodka. You know what I mean. It's I'm
ready listen.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
I know, but I can tell you, like, how do
I politely tell this girl she's derailed her whole household.
Speaker 4 (31:00):
That's not what we're saying. We're not here. That's the
last thing.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
Well, that's refreshing. I did just it's not in alignment
with why. I know, I'm just kidding. People were like
it was funny because I felt like, I love how
honest we are with each other all the time. But
I felt like people were like offended on our behalfs
and I was like I was offended. Anyways, what I've
learned is that doesn't really work for him, and that's fine,
(31:23):
But it was literally like the first time that I've
ever showed like myself. I guess being this is like
very that geo sounding or something, but like more like
dominant than him or something. He never has seen me.
I'm the feeling creature. And when Dad comes home, Dad
kind of wants to be fun if I'm honest, because
(31:44):
he is gone a lot, so bed times are kind
of out the window, and I try to keep it
a little consistent. But and I'm not making excuses. I'm
just letting you know, like that's literally like the first
time he's ever seen me be a person. Since then,
a week ago, him and I had a conversation where
I actually told him, I said, you're not treating me
like a good friend. You're actually not being kind to me,
(32:07):
and you're hurting my feelings, I said, And that's me
being honest with you, and so when you talk to
me that way, it does make me sad because after
a while you get beat down and you're by yourself. Yeah,
that has been the biggest change for him so far.
Like we're I don't want to jinx it, but in
this last week, I'm like, legend, I still want to
be loved on too, you know. But and I'm not
putting pressure on him to be an adult, but it's
(32:29):
like I don't need to, just like it's almost like
default behavior at some point when they keep doing the
same things. And that's what I felt like was happening.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
I think it's good for your kids to be able
to talk about feelings in that way with you. It
sounded like really honest and open.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Yeah, And I wasn't like guilty, you know. But I
do think there is this wave like our generation seems
to be very mindfully parenting, which I love about us.
I just also know it's not super realistic to have
a whole society full of wild feelings that like, you know,
like I'm a Christian, so I know God tells me
(33:06):
no for a reason. I know if I do something
I'm not supposed to do, there's a consequence to that.
Consequences are a good thing to know about too. So
I think that's where people like you really matter to
me because you help us navigate the in between of
like old school OG parenting, which was like what you're
talking about, Kristin. We're disciplined for things that were like
I was just being a human, like what in the
(33:27):
world I missed the ball at baseball practice? But then
also we can't swing the pendulum the whole other way
because then what are we doing. We're not seeing our
kids up any better. We're teeing them up differently, but
still maybe not for success, which I guess then goes
back to the question of you know, what do you
guys think on discipline and how to discipline in those areas?
Speaker 5 (33:47):
Yeah, well I think I mean it really does come
down to the coach and the baseball bat because I
think what we're missing again in this conversation is that
your son's brain is not fully developed and for him
to sort of get feelings and not talk back to
you and not this is actually what kids are wired
(34:09):
to do. Now that doesn't mean we just let them.
This is not permissive parenting, but what's different is rather
than seeing it as I need to go kind of
put soap in their mouth or do something different than
I would for the baseball scenario. You actually kind of
have to show up the same way you would with
the baseball scenario because, like you saw, the soap in
(34:29):
the mouth didn't work, right, because again, fear, all the
studies show no matter what you're trying to learn, fear
impedes long term learning. It's just not gonna work, and
it's gonna make your relationship probably a little bit wonkier. Right,
It's just not And again we all make mistakes. You're
saying like you're alone, please give yourself grace. It's just
not a great default strategy. And when we approach a
(34:53):
situation more like that teacher or boss, that's.
Speaker 4 (34:58):
Where we really will see the needle move.
Speaker 5 (35:00):
I love that you sat down and you had a
conversation with him in a calm, regulated moment, just saying like, hey,
you know, this isn't working, Like we're getting into this pattern,
it's not working.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
And that was great.
Speaker 5 (35:12):
And you can hold those boundaries and be you want
to be that firm leader one hundred percent of the time,
you really do. That's the common misconception is Firm leadership
doesn't mean I'm going to scare the out of you.
Firm leadership means I'm going to tell you what is
okay and what is not okay, and I'm here to
(35:33):
run this ship and keep everyone safe. I hear you,
I see you, and this is not okay. That's what
we want to kind of go with. We are the
firm leader. We're not letting them.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
Exactly, and in those conversations, that's where we go in
with that mindset for ourselves and to teach them all
the feelings that you're experiencing, those are okay. It is
okay to be angry. You can even be angry at me.
The behavior is not okay. So this is the way
(36:02):
that we let them out, and it's our job to
teach them you can feel angry, and here's a way
that you can let it out next time.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
So what is the way he can let it out?
Speaker 1 (36:12):
Yeah, he can share it with you with a lower voice, right,
he can write it down for you. I mean, it
takes a ton of practice. It's not going to happen
right away. But the more that we're reminding them of
these more constructive ways of letting it out than yelling
at you, the more that it's going to become their
(36:32):
kind of like narrative going on in their own mind, like,
oh yeah, anger is okay. I can tell my mom,
I can share my feelings, I can write it down
because that's what we ultimately want to give them for life.
Speaker 5 (36:44):
Right, we're raising adults, and especially you guys are seeing
this shift. Right, we're also not even at the Toddridge.
We're seeing a shift. So sometimes it's really easy to
zoom out, or it's harder. It's harder to zoom out
and say, Okay, if you want him as an adult,
he's going to get angry, right, somebody.
Speaker 4 (37:01):
Is going to him.
Speaker 5 (37:02):
Somebody is going to do something him, the traffic that
this whatever it may be, when he is thirty or
he's your age and he gets really angry because it's
going to happen. He's not going to shove it down
because that's probably going to lead to like a violent
explosion later or whatever we all do when we shove
things down, you know, just me drinking and being wild,
all the things that you don't want to do when
(37:23):
you shove things down. What are some things that you
want him to do when he's angry as an adult,
you want to teach him how to take a deep breath.
You want to teach him, Hey, when I'm really angry,
I take a walk around the block, Like it actually
really stimulates my brain, and I turn on really angry
music or what.
Speaker 4 (37:39):
Get creative? Right, It might be different for him. It
might be.
Speaker 5 (37:43):
This sounds silly, but like pushing against a wall and screaming.
I mean, there's a lot of different ways. And if
we normalize that, especially I think for little boys as
they're getting older, like, you're going to feel anger, dude,
like you just are, and sometimes that feels really overpowering.
Speaker 4 (37:59):
That doesn't scare me. I'm here for you.
Speaker 5 (38:01):
I'm here to teach you that when you are an
adult and ongoing, this is how you this is These
are some ways that you can literally make it better
when you feel angry and it's appropriate.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
Do you guys believe then, in that teaching strategy of
you know, disciplining quate teaching. Do you believe in taking
away things then if they aren't behaving, like okay, if
you do this again, like I'm telling you, you know,
no iPad or no sleepover this weekend, like because There's
been a lot of times when I would say, like,
(38:44):
if you don't stop acting like this way, like you
can't go to your friends, even though I'm like, I
would love for you to go to your friends because
that helps me out a little bit. And then I'm like,
I really wish I didn't say that, because you just
did it. Now I got to stick to it. You know,
this is a really good question, though, because I was curious,
like what you would what your advice with that is.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
I mean, consequences can be great. They can be great
teaching tools, but the way they tend to work the
best or the most effective is when they are related
to what's going on. So if you yell at me
and you get no iPod, I mean, that's kind of
They're not very related. It's kind of a control tactic,
which I understand. But I would say times where they
(39:23):
are more effective could be like where they're not using
an item appropriately right Like at this age, you're going
to a website that like is not okay. I know
we have locks for that now, but something like that
where the rules are not being followed, like maybe yeah,
you don't you don't get the iPod for a while.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
The only time I've cheated on you, guys is when
I've taken the Positive Parenting Solutions course with honest all
the time like more listen, No, I know, but I
just neither I know. But that's one of the things
I think I learned most from that was that it
has to be related to consequences, which is easier said
than done when you're hindsight. It's in the moment when
(40:06):
you're like, what really matters to you? Do you guys
ever disagree on parenting things?
Speaker 1 (40:12):
I mean, Kristen, no, I think we're so lned.
Speaker 2 (40:15):
Oh yeah, and we're here total.
Speaker 4 (40:17):
Opposites in all exactly. Literally, I don't.
Speaker 5 (40:20):
Think there's one other thing that we Maybe we're both
kind of messy, but otherwise it's pretty crazy how it's
one hundred percent of the time with parenting.
Speaker 2 (40:31):
And where do you think that you've done? You know,
again the world, just doing the best we can. But
where do you fall short? I guess of you know,
areas where it's like, okay, I yell, or like, what's
your thing that you're trying to work on as a mom.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
Yeah, I mean I think for me it's probably the
yelling thing. I'm literally a child therapist. Okay, I know
every strategy. I've been reading research on this for decades, Okay,
And I'm a human, So when I'm in tough situations,
I'm having a hard day, I'm just of bandwidth, which
by the way, happened literally yesterday. Whereas like I am done,
(41:06):
you know, so I.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Love it. Yeah, I wouldn't even.
Speaker 1 (41:10):
Call it like falling short though, I would call it
just being human, Like this is literally all of us.
And to me, the difference is what is kind of
like your goal and your go to strategy. If you're punishing,
is kind of your go to Like a lot of
us grew up in this type of environment where the
go to strategy to shift behavior was I'm going to
(41:33):
yell at you, I'm going to scare you. You will
respect me, go into your room, I don't want to
see you anymore, spanking. Those are all kind of not
the go to strategy that I'm striving for, Whereas I'm
striving to teach them in these constructive ways that we
all just spend a lot of time talking about. And
I'm human. That means there's going to be days where
(41:56):
I yell or I say something I didn't mean to,
and then I go and try to repair it with
them after and just show them how to take ownership
over being human and having these moments and being like, hey,
I'm really sorry. I was feeling so frustrated and so
overwhelmed I yelled. It's not the best way to let
big feelings out. I'm sorry. Did it scare you or
(42:18):
make you feel sad? Yeah, I can understand that. I'm
going to work on not yelling next time I'm having
a really big frustrated feeling.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
Mm hmm, yeah, oh god, Yeah, I love you too.
Speaker 5 (42:33):
See, like your pediatrician, your resonant experts, like everyone is, like,
it's not like anyone is doing any of these things
one hundred percent of the time. Like the whole goal
of reading any kind of parenting book or reading any
parenting content, it's the same as learning anything you know,
or like it's like going to the gym. There's going
(42:54):
to be two days a week, literally at least probably
three that I'm not going to the gym, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 4 (43:00):
So if we can be like.
Speaker 5 (43:01):
The parent we want to be four days of the
week like we're doing great.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
Mine I'm not needed.
Speaker 5 (43:09):
But that write that down I'm not really a yeller,
which is shocking. Uh, but I hate that I'm a
threatener and I don't want to do it, like it's
not my go to strategy, but I am totally. I'm
totally I do exactly what you just said where I'll
be like, we will never come back to the park
ever again.
Speaker 4 (43:28):
I too much.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
We couldn't do it.
Speaker 4 (43:31):
That's it.
Speaker 5 (43:31):
We're never And then you see their faith like crumble
and cry because we're never coming back to the park.
Speaker 4 (43:36):
And I'm like, oh and that's.
Speaker 5 (43:40):
I admit so much and it's not rational and it's
like my go to thing that I hate that I do.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
Okay, I have one last question at least from me.
So I feel like because I was raised in a
really tumultuous environment like alcohol, drug like it was there
was no structure. I had to create structure. So then
I made a bunch of rules that's been in seemed
to deconstruct as I get older, you know, But like
I feel like I have parented so feeling forward that
(44:09):
when I got to the soap like it was almost
like I thought, have I been too gentle or have
I given too much grace? You know, like there you're
not allowed to actually scream in my face. Whether you
got a new sister who's lovely by the way, she's
a great chick and or whatever, like, you just can't
yell at me that way. So do you think that
(44:33):
it is possible that we need to just be firmer sometimes,
whether it doesn't have to be threatening or discipline wise,
but just like maybe it's less feeling, which I know
is goes against the branding and probably your core. But
do you think we're sometimes too much grace giving and
they actually need us to be a little more disciplined.
Speaker 5 (44:53):
I think both things can exist at the exact same time.
The feeling we never the feeling behind him screaming and
s someone's face is never going to go away. And
if we make him feel ashamed about those feelings, or
we don't normalize those feelings, then he's going to end
up thirty years old and having no idea what to
do as a man with angry feelings. The feeling isn't
(45:15):
being too feeling. E is definitely not the problem. Do
we want to be firm hard, Yes, we want to
be firm. It is not okay to scream in your
sister's face. It is not okay to scream in my face.
I also guarantee you that washing, the soap thing and
all of those things. That's also not going to help
him when he's thirty and feels really angry any kind
(45:37):
of physical or like heightened you know, anger towards him,
because what you're teaching him is when other people have
hard moments, it's literally getting programmed into his brain. I'm
going to start to feel really angry at them because
he's watching you interact with him and doing what.
Speaker 4 (45:55):
He's doing with his anger.
Speaker 5 (45:57):
So we want to be firm, and we want to
be in control, and we want to be that leader
of the home. It is not okay to scream, I know.
Speaker 1 (46:07):
Yeah. Yeah. I think there's just a kind of like
common misconception out there of like, you know, talking about
feelings means you have to be soft and gentle and
please don't hit your sister. It's like no, no, firm
is good. We don't hit. It's okay to feel angry.
(46:27):
Hitting is not okay, Like being firm is great. Kids
need that, yeah.
Speaker 3 (46:33):
And I think a lot of people take it that
way that they can't be from. I think that's where
you feel like the pendulum is swinging because a lot
of parents just hear, you know whatever and yeah, and
they don't think that they can still be firm with them,
and it's like okay, And then you've got a whole
group of kids that have parents that have not had
boundaries and not been firm. And I think that that's
(46:55):
where the misconception don't have boundaries.
Speaker 2 (46:57):
No, no, no, I'm definitely I'm very firmly paid garantee. Like
I feel, I'm from Michigan, so you're already we're street
in that. Like it just gets kind of hood fast,
you know, so it's not like he's walking all over me.
I just I sometimes wonder I do. Really am passionate
about parenting period. I'm super passionate about parenting boys. I
was raised by a little boy that did not get
(47:19):
the validation, attention, love and like moments, ten minute miracle
would have changed my dad's life, which would have changed
my life. Yeah, So I'm just I know what it
looks like when a little boy doesn't get that. And
so I'm determined and I'm not saying I'm gonna get it.
I'm gonna nail it. But for me, this is like
a generational cycle breaking thing for me, Like, I know
(47:42):
he's gonna get angry. I just want him to know
he has a place he can do that. I just
need him to also be respectful.
Speaker 5 (47:48):
Yeah, and imagine your dad having been taught you're gonna
get angry, and here's how you let that out. Imagine
if that would have happened. Your child will make mistakes.
They're not gonna take a deep breath every time. They're
gonna scream in your face sometimes.
Speaker 4 (48:02):
Is that okay?
Speaker 5 (48:03):
No, But I promise you that with repetition, they are
going to start to take deep breaths more. They are
gonna go for a walk more. They're gonna feel more
like I'm gonna, you know, whatever the release is listen to,
like eventually some really explicit rap music that like we
don't want them to listen to, but it's better, you
know what I mean, Like they're gonna happen ways or
(48:23):
like boxing a boxing class. That's what we need to
be teaching these little boys, because the anger is not
going to go away.
Speaker 1 (48:32):
It's exactly feelings. Talk is so important because that is
actually what makes a resilient, strong kid is someone who
can make sense of what's happening inside them, because that
is step one to being able to deal with it
in a safe, constructive way. So many of us did
(48:53):
not have feelings talk. We don't understand what's happening. We
push it all down, and then we later explode or
we become anxious, we become depressed, substances like you name it,
you know. So this is actually one of the things
we can do to make tough, sturdy kids.
Speaker 3 (49:11):
So I was going to say, you know, my son
who's fourteen, you know, he doesn't love to talk about
feelings either. We more talk like we just kind of
talk and talk and talk. He doesn't even realize that
we're talking about feelings as much. But during COVID, I
noticed him, like for the first time, so he would
have been eleven twelve, like have an outburst because he's
(49:33):
so social, he hadn't been around anyone, and he got
and so I got him a boxing thing so he
could go box. And that didn't last very long. But
I'd hear him in there and he'd go in there
and whatever. So you know, he did that for a
little while. But one thing I noticed at fourteen, he
had a situation where his girlfriend actually at the time
had done something, and he came to me later and
(49:55):
told me. He's like, I don't want to talk about
it yet. But then he came to me later and
he talked to me about it and he said, I
didn't react the way that I wanted to to her
because she had done something. He's like, but then I
later apologized and did. But I just I saw, like,
because I don't, that's what I do. That's kind of
mym O. I'll react the way I didn't want to.
I'll yell or i'll do whatever, but I will always
(50:16):
come in and I will say sorry, and we will
always talk about it and we will. So I saw
him kind of do that. He's like, but I went
back to her and I apologize, and that's not how
I should have reacted. And so it was like kind
of that moment of like, all right, I've messed up
plenty plenty. You have plenty of mistakes learning how to
freaking raise these children, but like, thank god, he like,
(50:38):
you know, he learned something and that yeah, and I
think that that's like all we can do.
Speaker 2 (50:43):
Question everyone, just girls, thank you for coming on. You've
got your podcast after bedtime, You've got your Instagram. Big
little feelings. Just thank you for for helping these helping
the mama's out here. Yeah, you're awesome. We need to
out know that, we need to feel like we're not
alone in all this. So thank you.
Speaker 4 (51:03):
You're doing great.
Speaker 2 (51:05):
You are too, so are you. Yeah, you're all just
doing it. Take your kids in the park.
Speaker 1 (51:11):
It wasn't I definitely will.
Speaker 2 (51:15):
So cool. We'll take you. Girls.
Speaker 1 (51:17):
Appreciate you so soon.
Speaker 2 (51:20):
Yeah. Yeah, like ninety percent of the time, I would
like to think that I get down on their level
and another ten is just I said stop. Well, yeah,
I mean that's it. I think that's it, and I don't.
I mean, you guys know me personally, but just publicly,
I would like to say, I'm a I'm a very
intentional parent, so you're very very I'm not like a pushover.
(51:42):
I'm also not like, no go you know, you have
to go deadlift sixty pounds because you talk back to
me or anything.
Speaker 3 (51:47):
I think you're a good mix of being I'm trying
to be. And I wasn't even referencing you. I just
think the pendulum has swung a little bit, and as
people just see, I know, it's just best to talk
about feelings, and it's like, there's so much more to that,
and there still has to be boundaries and there still
has to be firmness, which I think that, yeah, we're
starting to kind of I get excited.
Speaker 2 (52:07):
I know this is probably I get very excited for
our generation of kids to see what they do for
the world and how they are in the world, because
we are, even when we are not nailing it. I
feel like we are so intentional to be continued. We
shall see check back in, check back in in twenty
(52:28):
years when Ramsey Legend and Jolie and Love and everybody
comes Ony, oh boy, talk to you guys later. Bye bye.
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hi guys, Hello, Hi, Oh well we've just had some snow.
We've had some snow days we have. You know, one
of my friends posted the other day who doesn't isn't
in our industry? And it actually kind of made me laugh.
She was like, what's with the fashion show photo shoots
in the snow? So she was like, why is my
feed just full of like people in perfect ski suits?
(00:27):
And I was like, yeah, so you can always check
in here and know that that's not true. Well, it
was funny because I was talking to one of our
girlfriends in Queendom well minus two, there's three left, but
process of elimination. But she was basically saying how she was,
you know, she had a lot of work to do,
so she was she you know, she felt bad because
(00:51):
she saw everybody out on Instagram with the kids in
the snow, and I'm like, listen, yeah, I was like,
it's all lies. Friend. Yes, we had fun for five
minutes and then Jess like his coming.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Down, this is not fun.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
And I'm like and I felt But at first I
didn't post it because I'm like, I'm literally laughing at him, Oh,
it's you have to laugh at that though, But you know,
people are like, don't laugh at your kids. But that
was I'm sorry, that's what's funny. I've never identified more
with a human in all my life. I was like, Jace,
come live with me. I'm your person.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
He also looked like he was having fun at first,
so's you know what I mean. In my head, I
was like, he looks like he's having fun. He's halfway
smiling as he's saying this is not fun.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
I feel like, yeah, he was screaming at the top,
then this is not fun, and then I think at
the bottom he liked it. But it was. I mean,
it was five minutes and my friend we all got dressed.
It took us twenty five minutes to get dressed for
a five minute snowplayed. Somebody has to pee the minute
they're dressed. You have to undress. So I'm like, don't
feel bad. I'm like, Instagram is just full of lies.
(01:52):
Oh I didn't go out. I didn't have fun though.
I mean, I will say Jolie is my girl when
it comes to I mean, she just was rolling buried
her in the snow like she's like, mom, bury me
like she's my little Michigan heart. With the snow, I
feel nervous. I got nervous in the snowstorm that I
my kids might move someplace cold to live forever, and
I'm gonna have to move there to be with grand
(02:14):
babies because they're so in right now and I am not.
Who's in love and Legend are outside like they are
all in on snow. Yeah. Yeah, I just actually the worst.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
I don't even really go out. Mine just kind of
get I mean, Nick might go out every now and then.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
They just go, well, we have a great hill for
sledding in our front yard. So I did bribe Jase
the second day because I just am like the thing
with me in him, I'm like, you're a kid, like
have fun. It's like he's allergic to fun. Sometimes I
feel bad even saying but he's just he's just more
sensitive and just more like doesn't Yeah, he's just really
(02:50):
it's comfort, yeah, you know, but I'm like I want
him to like have fun. I saw this quote or
seam or whatever it was, was basically saying, I know
you're busy, You've had a hard day. It's a long
day of work, X Y and Z, But remember this
is their childhood. And that really hit me because I'm like,
you know, what, what do you want? Like go put
the TV. It's like this is a childhood, like have
(03:11):
fun and like this is these are the years that
they're going to remember. Yeah, I do think he'll grow
out of that, for sure. I don't And honestly, I
don't know, because it's just how he's always been. He
loved Love was like him and I think it was
because of COVID and yeah, with at that age, every
I remember post COVID, he was like home, home, home
because we just stayed home same. Yeah, and so I
was like baby no, Like we would remember Mike and
(03:32):
I would take him out just to go to the
grocery store because but he would scream home. Well, it's weird.
Like I remember the first time we took Legend out
his real first outing was monster jam and he was
like kind of it was so stimulate. He was like
yallow trash can And I thought maybe we should have
just like hopped by Walgreens or something and don't take
the edge off, you know, like it's a lot for
(03:53):
their brains. But Love was always like that. And now
she's like she rides roller coasters at Disney and yeah,
well that's yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
I mean I think all personalities are, you know, they're
all different. Yeah, you may gro out of it, or
he just may be one that doesn't enjoy that.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
And that's okay. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine with it. I
just when it comes to snow though, I think because
I grew up in the snow, I'm like, this is fun. Yeah,
you know, but I have to because I grew up
in the snow. I'm like, stay inside, it's miserable, and.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
I'm like.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
I loved it as a kid, Like I loved it.
Oh my gosh, we do ice igloes like the whole thing.
You were also a nice skater, though, sure I was
used to cold. Having said that, have you guys watched
that movie Society in the Snow? Yes? Okay, So Alan
and I watched it over this This Arctic blast is
what the weather people were saying. He's like, Alan's like,
(04:47):
we survived the blast because they can't just say a snowstorm.
They have to make it super dramatic. So we watched
it and so are kind of running joke, which it
shouldn't be a joke, but we're like, he's because we
asked would you be able to survive? And so I'm like, yeah,
I think I could. And then two seconds outside like
my feater, he's like, really the Andies, you could survive
(05:07):
the Andiess. But Society of the Snow is a true
story of these ur Gandhi. They're uh, I'm not football,
what's the rugby players? The plane crashes, I'm gonna butcher this.
I think it's nineteen seventy two, and there were these
survivors that were there for seventy two days outside in
the Andes and they stopped the search, like the whole thing.
(05:30):
So we watched this movie and it takes about seventy
two days to watch it because it's so long. But
it's a great it's a great man. It's a good movie.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
It just gave me such anxiety though, and I don't
usually get anxiety from movies. I had to like kind
of stop for a while and go back and stop
and go back.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
It was a lot.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Not to give it away, but like when the like
snow came into the into the plane like twice in
a row, I'm like in my head, I'm like just
take me like I couldn't.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
I couldn't do it. Well, here's the question that I
want to post. And this might be this is morbid,
but I want to know, like, first of all, yeah,
seventy two days, what would you do to survive? Is
basically the question because these and this is something they
didn't show in the movie, but they got a lot
of hate for what they did sure out there. Yeah,
(06:21):
so they had to eat the dead bodies to survive. Guys,
I don't even eat chicken, So I think we all know.
I'm first. They should eat me. Actually, so I guess
the first one. What would you do to survive? Not much?
That's my answer. Not much, you guys, it's miserable, Like
being cold to me is like miserable. And we grew
(06:42):
up in the same place. I do not enjoy I
hate to say it, like it's beautiful for a day
while it's sunny. I think that's one benefit we get
here because Michigan stays so gray for so long. Yeah,
I just do not. I don't enjoy it. We have
friends that are like, come to bail. If you're put
in that situation and it's either life or death, dy
like you like, you know you will die if you
(07:02):
don't eat because you can only have what and you'll
die if you don't have food in seven days, water
and three. I think it was threes. The threes.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
I think it was like three weeks or something, three
days without one. It's like in the movie they said
that something about threes. Okay, I don't remember exactly, but
what would you do?
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Would you like?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Then?
Speaker 2 (07:23):
That kind of posed the question because Alan's like, do
you think you'd survive? Would you eat my leg cat?
Speaker 3 (07:29):
I honestly don't know. I mean I would think if
I got as far as those people did, because so
many people didn't. I mean, so many people didn't even
survive to that point. But if you're at that point,
I mean I probably would have.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
You'd be non at my ribs. You're like a kit
kat or something, you know, not yours. Definitely somewhere what
I told you a go macro bar with a heartbeat.
It's not gonna work for us. Here's I told Alan
though about that, And this is what I would do
in that situation. Personally, if it had been a couple
days for me, I can't sit still and just wait
(08:08):
to be rescued. I would have started walking walking, I
guest as soon as I could because I know that
if they did get found, then someone would, you know,
go find me or something or say, hey, she started
walking that way. I could not just sit there and
wait for someone to come rescue me. Now I get
the circumstances, but I just was like, I'd rather die
trying than than than die.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Waiting, especially once they went to the top of mountain
and realized you couldn't see it, you know, like I
feel like there was hope until that point, but then
they walked up and it was like they looked down
and it was like you can't see it from the sky.
Then I would have worked on what do we need
to do to make this work? To start walking?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Yeah, I agree, but it also maybe goes I don't
want to get in the plane. But it was also
nineteen seventy something, so but anyways, I don't know why.
I guess gotten that a spoiler alert. I still don't
know if I would eat, but I don't know why
I would like to be I'd like to start walking first,
because again, you're going to deteriorate as time goes on.
So it's like my healthy self would want to start
(09:05):
the trek. Yeah, as as soon as possible to get out.
I'm a movement person, so we would have to make
something happen. Yeah, yeah, poofties. Anyways, I just.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Can't believe they got so much hate for that, like survival,
and it's not like they killed them, they were oh yeah,
and a lot of survival is such my body instinct too.
That's why I say, I don't know, like, I don't
know if instincts would kick in to where it's just like,
how do I survive?
Speaker 2 (09:30):
You know? I mean I can barely swallow an Omego
three without puking, because so like it would, but I
think that'd be really hard. But again, if you're done,
you know, and you're dead, I don't know, so to
not out. I do have metal rods in my bag,
so over what it's worth, y'all could use that. I
just feel like somewhere, I know, right hike up the mountain,
(09:52):
I guess I don't know. It's hardware and fam weird.
I'm glad you watched that so we could talk about them.
I'm glad I'm never going to so we can already
all right, we're gonna take a break and then we're
going to get Kristen and Dina on They've got a
podcast called after Bedtime Big Little Feelings Instagram as well,
so it's going to be it's a it's a mommy
(10:13):
group essentially that you wish she had, so get them
on after the break.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Hey guys, hi, hi hi.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Okay, So Kristen is literally obsessed with you guys, so
I am she basically yeah, and you girls are again,
like anytime you're ever in Nashville, let's just do a
little like mom Mom Night. That'd be super fun. But Kristen,
do you want to just take it away with your
obsession here? Well yeah, okay, so I'm not obsessed like
(10:55):
I am with Jessica Simpsons. I want to clarify, I
don't know your birthdays or like your favorite color, so
it's healthy. See in that way, I actually didn't know
what you looked like until just now. So it's like
the great news is I'm obsessed with your content in
your brains. So it's like, that's the best. I felt
like you were one of the first resources I found
that felt to a line with the way I was
parenting and the need to actually like understand these little
(11:19):
people more than just like we know innately that they
need discipline, and they need boundaries because that's part of
how they feel safe. We know it. But then you
put yourself like in the actual like scenarios, and it's
really difficult sometimes to parent strong willed world leaders. I'm
(11:40):
positive I'm just going to keep speaking it over him. Yeah,
but the I am raising Will Ferrell, Okay, so there's
part of it. He's also the most alpha man I've
ever met in my life besides my own father. Tell
me how to raise my son. Go ahead, dis start
anywhere you'd like, but more info.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
But I think you answered it right. It's about firm boundaries.
Speaker 5 (12:04):
It's about letting them know that you know, you do
hear them, you do see them, right, because I do
think that that's where our parents' generation kind of missed
the boat, right, and it leaves certain kids feeling really unempowered.
Not maybe not the strong willed ones, but they're unempowered
and they're people pleasers. And that's how I am now, right,
(12:25):
We're just like, whatever you need. I'm so sorry. Here's
here's a big tip. I'm so sorry to bother you.
It's your job, but I'm so sorry to bother you.
And then for those strong willed kids when they don't
feel seen and they don't feel heard. While you're setting
the boundary, by the way, you're not letting them do
what they want. You're setting the boundary.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
But when you.
Speaker 5 (12:42):
Avoid the like making them really feel heard, you're just exasperating.
You're just dealing with the show all day, right, So
it's like all we really have to do is know
as parents, we know what's best. We're holding those healthy
boundaries and making our kids feel seen and heard and
safe at the same time.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yeah, which is hard, by the way, when they're like
screaming at you and they're on the floor, or they're
like doing exactly what you just told them not to do,
it's hard.
Speaker 4 (13:07):
It's hard.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
What about like, And I've said this a few times
with my daughter, where it's I can tell that she
wants to say something, but I don't. It's like she
won't say it because it's either she might think it
might hurt my feelings or I don't know. I Sometimes
I just look at it and I'm like, Jolie, do
you want to do you have any feelings around something?
She's like no, And I'm like you do, like you do?
So I'm like and then I like, I feel like
(13:29):
I'm trying to push to like know what it is,
but it's like, how do I get her to meet me?
It's like, you know, you can always talk to me
and I'm here to listen to anything you want to say,
but she still doesn't come. So I'm like, what did
I do wrong? And then like, how do I like
repair this to have her talk to me?
Speaker 4 (13:45):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:45):
I mean I'm curious how old is she?
Speaker 2 (13:47):
By the way, She's about to be eight in January
or this okay, the end of this month.
Speaker 4 (13:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Yeah, So they start to have like their own little
lives at this point. You know, they're getting bigger and
they have their own experiences, but a few thoughts. I'm
sure Kristin has them too. I don't think you're doing
anything wrong necessarily. All children are just different in how
they experience their feelings, share about their feelings, handle them.
(14:13):
You know, some kids are just not as comfortable directly
talking about feelings. And there's a few things that we
can do at home to kind of, you know, support it.
The main thing is we want to normalize feelings. So
even us sharing about our feelings, like oh, you know
today at work, there was someone we kind of didn't
agree on things. I was feeling frustrated. I took a second,
(14:35):
and then I had a conversation to share, you know,
and we talked it through. Even just kind of normalizing
feelings in general, just it helps so much because there's
no such thing as a bad feeling, and the feelings
are happening inside, whether we share about them or not. Really,
you know the.
Speaker 5 (14:54):
One My daughter is seven, so she'd get into the
similar age, and she's probably very similar to where they
really don't want to like ruffle the boat.
Speaker 4 (15:02):
They don't want to ruffle any feathers, not about you.
Speaker 5 (15:05):
But I'm frankly more worried about that kid than my
strong willed kid. Like I know it's hard to a
parent a strong oiled kid. I'm more worried about, you know,
the little girl or boy that's like really wanting to
keep the peace and not wanting to ruffle feathers. It's
nothing you did wrong, right, some of us are more
prone to that You're doing great because you're trying to
have that dialogue. I do find with mine an amazing
(15:26):
thing that we do is at bedtime, so it's just
me and her or just her dad and her. We'll
do like what made you happy today? What made you
sad today? And what are you looking forward to tomorrow?
Speaker 1 (15:37):
Right?
Speaker 4 (15:37):
Or Rose and Thorn or anything like that.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
We do sad part and happy part every single dinner,
which now they go, Mommy, what was your sad part
of the day? So I don't even have to say anymore.
Now it's become something they want to so like it's
every single night, and I do like that piece.
Speaker 5 (15:50):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel like that, And especially if
you do do it one on one too, where there's
like not a lot of chaos and it's just them.
And maybe since already doing that at dinner, you could
do something differ like Rose and Thorn or it just
opens up. You'll be so surprised how just that intimate
moment of just them, there's no siblings, there's no food around,
and you know they really open up about their day
(16:12):
or something that might have happened.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Yeah, you could also One last idea is keep a
little bull in your house that at any point she
can write down whatever she's feeling or wanting to share
about and kind of drop it in for you to see.
Just another idea like that.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
It's funny because my daughter is like our daughters are
the same age and our sons are the same age,
and then we both just had brand new babies, so
we're like we kind of lean into each other. But
we've really come to realize, like our sons are really
so different, you know, Like Jase is such a sweet, handsome,
good person, and Legend is a sweet handsome person, but
(16:48):
I'm in an abusive relationship with him right now. My
son is just not he's not the he's just not
really the typical boy. Like he's just more he's just
a little softer. He's a lot softer. It's okay, we're friends. Yeah,
he's quite a bit softer. Actually he's a good man.
But my daughter pulls out her file folder at the
end of the day, like I get in bed with
(17:08):
her and we like, you know, and she's like, great,
glad you're here. And she starts like, you know, like
all the things she's ready to download me on because
she's waiting.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
I've gottenn agenda, mom, let's go.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
She does. So let me I think, because two thirds
of us are in this season, can we ask if
there's any best advice for we just brought home new
babies and the gap is pretty big because both big
kids are like eight and five, and now we have
like a two months and seven month old. Is there
any like proactive things you could think in your arsenal
(17:43):
for us to participate in, like daily or weekly. Maybe
that would help with keeping I think so far right
on your team too. Everybody is really loves the baby,
so we don't have any of that. No disliking, Yeah,
no disliking of the baby.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
That's a lot, isn't it so much?
Speaker 5 (18:00):
Which well, it's so much easier if you will with
the big kid stage, because that's sort of like primal jealousy. Whoa,
I don't know what's going on, is kind of missing,
which is nice. I have it was right like a
seven year old four year old when I had the newborn,
and it was such a different thing than having two
kids closer together where they love the baby and they're
(18:22):
excited about the baby and they totally get it, which
is nice.
Speaker 4 (18:26):
I think in my.
Speaker 5 (18:27):
Household the thing now that he's fifteen months old, I
can see when you add that third and it's just
less attention no matter how you splice it right, whether
it's because they're a newborn or just because you just
have another little body, so we have the ten minute miracle.
This really does work for not just toddlers but also
big kids, where every single day if you can take
(18:48):
ten minutes just you and that kid. And I think
especially for big kids, it can feel overwhelming because you're
like I should be taking them to Disneyland, I should
go to you know, we should be going to color
me mine or whatever. But really, truly, even at the
big kid stage, if you take ten minutes and have
somebody else take the baby, and somebody else take and
put your phone down and do anything. It could be
(19:09):
quite coloring, it could be anything. It's just giving them
that attention that in the chaos in my house really
doesn't happen.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
For the doctor totally that too. Yeah, he said how
that affects the brain and what that does for a
child too, which is you know, I think that's great.
Kat you were saying, or you were saying not soft.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
Well, I just don't think that you can equate and
not to like contradict what you were saying, but that
like good kid soft. No, I don't think he's a
bad kid, you know what I mean, He's just think alpha.
They're also because like I have an alpha boy who
is now fourteen, very alpha, but also very much a
good kid, you know what I mean. So I just
(19:49):
wanted to say because it sounded like we were kind of,
you know, comparing that. But also I think that ten
minute thing. I don't even realize that I do that. Oh,
but I do that. I mean I I've always said,
and we've kind of talked about this before, making sure
that you have time for each child, because I've got three,
but fourteen to seven, and man, is that so important?
Speaker 2 (20:10):
It feels like that way for me as an adult,
even you guys like but.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
Even the fourteen year old doesn't even know it, doesn't
realize it. We may talk about a lot, we may
talk about nothing like it's just And then also, I
was going to say, when you were asking about Jolie,
it hasn't ha started as much with Ramsey, but I
really did it with emmy very specific questions, so like
(20:34):
I started asking her not just you know, how is
your day or what did you do at school? Just
very like, hey, who all sitting at the lunch table? Now, okay,
so so and so is sitting at the other table,
So what does that mean?
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Are they?
Speaker 3 (20:45):
And we just like asked very specific, gets the conversation going. Yeah,
so I feel like that you avoid.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
The whole like how was school today good? You know,
what did you do?
Speaker 3 (20:54):
Yeah, that's what I normally will do. That's what I'll
get like, how is your practice good? Okay, Like okay,
so did this you know? I mean, it's just very specific.
Finally gets her talking because she would prefer probably not
to talk about all this stuff too. But then I
just really get her going, and that's just been helpful.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I think where I fall to my problem, which is
I'd love to lean on you guys for this is
you know, the ten minute thing. I'm like, all right,
I would love to do that. Having said that, if
I was to do ten minutes, it's like, Jolie and
Jace are so together all the time. They play together
all the time, and part of that I feel bad
because I'm like, go play with your brother, go play
with your sister, and they're always playing together where and
(21:45):
Jace is you know, He's like, well, if I was
to take that minute with Jolie or ten minutes, you know,
and I take her to her the nails, but I don't.
It's to me, I'm like every day for ten minutes.
I'm like, Jace is going to want to just get
in on all that, you know, because he's just so
I don't want to say codependent on me, but just no,
I mean it's they're five, that's if he's just age two,
(22:08):
either wants to be around me or Jolie you know,
and just on us all the time. And so I
think that's you know, I can say go play with
Alan or whatever, but it's it's also you know, who
want to do what we're doing. So how do I
find that time to make sure I get those ten
minutes each and then because and then on top of that,
(22:30):
is it bad to always say go play with your brother,
go play with your sister?
Speaker 4 (22:33):
Two questions? I love that.
Speaker 5 (22:35):
Well, first of all, I just want to say again
because this is I have true experience with like the
literal exact same age gap. So I just have to say,
even this week, I'm like I cannot, like, I'm really
impressed that you were saying you just do that naturally,
because I'm like, I don't. I mean, like like you said,
the older two just play together all the time, and
then a lot of my focus is on the baby.
(22:55):
And then you know, we just go through our day.
So a I don't think it has to be every day.
I think that you can do what you can. I
also think that your partner can step in. I also
think that like an aunt can step in. Sometimes Dina
will take my kids and just have a one on
one time with the oldest or something, you know, just
making sure they sometimes feel that attention. And then when
it comes to them wanting to be together, I think
it's just important that they we normalize that we have
(23:18):
special time together. I go on dates with my husband
all the time, right, and I think that's important to
normalize and to show my kids. And so it's kind
of similar where you know, maybe the other one can
do screen time or something that they really love, or
maybe they're I don't know. We have to get creative
with ideas, but just knowing it's never gonna be seventy
five minutes, it's really gonna be ten minutes.
Speaker 4 (23:38):
Here's a timer we can have, like.
Speaker 5 (23:39):
A visual cueue, just to know we're all gonna be
back together in ten minutes. And by the way, you
get the ten minutes too, right, This is just for you.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Yeah, literally, if I told them just when you said
screen time. If I told Joey, like, let's go color Jason,
you can watch your screen, She's like, well you watch screen,
you know, because it's just yeah, because they don't get
it in my house like ever, so I'm gonna have
to think of something else because she's big. It's a
time minutes up yet, like.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
It takes a little bit of coordinating sometimes, like when
I do this recently, I have to literally set up
a plan with my husband for that time to be like, okay,
you take the other one, like you're doing your special
ten minutes now, right, you know.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
And I think that's something else because I mean, Alan
does My fiance's incredible with the kids, and he'll be
like he takes Jason a monthly mandate, so he'll take
him to a little restaurant that's in town. So that
with that way, I can be like our jolly girl
date us. But it's just hard because it's like now
the baby, we don't have help. It's just like.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Yeah, well and I don't think it has to be
that big of a gang, but you know, no where.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
I always go though, because I'm like I feel bad
that it's not some big.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
It doesn't Yeah, and that's the thing, and like I
was just thinking about it a It got easier for
me as I got older. Obviously, they don't play together
like they are three kids that do separate things. Maybe
the girls will do skincare together every now and then, right,
so that but also if we don't get it at home,
we get it in the car. So there's also that
like because we've got so many sports and it's rare
(25:00):
that they're all together, which is not everyone's case, but
we're all going different places. So that's where a lot
of it ends up happening for us, is just one
on one time in the car like the cat.
Speaker 5 (25:09):
By the way, we started doing Harry Potter with my
seven year old on the way to gymnastics. Now sometimes
the baby and the middle is in the car and
so it's not quite the peaceful thing you would imagine, right,
But some of the time we have this new ritual
where we listen to Harry Potter on the way to gymnastics.
Speaker 4 (25:26):
If I can ever take her alone, that.
Speaker 5 (25:28):
Counts, you know, and you have ten old like I
don't think I had special time ten minute miracle on
my radar when I had a two month old. I mean,
this is not the time to be doing anything other
than what you're doing right now, like throw that away
and then when your baby three months, four months, six months,
they're crawling around, you know, then do the tenmanut miracle.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Like, you know, what almost goes a really long way
too when it comes to like the baby or just
having a sibling in general, is you know those days
where it's like one of them is just so annoyed
with the other one, or the baby's been crying and
it's just kind of hard on the other kid to
be able to just at bed time or whenever, in
a quiet moment, just validate that and be like, you know,
(26:11):
being a brother, being a sister, it can be really
hard sometimes, you know, because a lot of times our
instinct is to kind of push through and be like no, no,
you know, like we love them, they're your best friend
or your friend for life. But really when we can
just like give them that space to be like, yeah,
sometimes it's really hard, Like it really goes a long
way for them.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
What is y'all's opinion on discipline? I knew we were
gonna go, you know, I actually was gonna ask for myself,
like what is what do you think is appropriate discipline
for not being too soft or too hard.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Yeah, I mean, discipline's a very confusing thing. Like, let's
just start off there, there's a million and one opinions
about how to approach things. So yes, very confusing. But
if you start to just get to the root of
like what the word actually means. The Latin root is
to teach. We're teaching our kids how to deal with
(27:07):
tricky situations and big feelings in safe ways. Like really,
that's the root of it. So yeah, I think it
depends on kind of just like what area of discipline.
But when we think about it from that filter, like
we're teaching them how to deal with things.
Speaker 5 (27:24):
Well, we're also teaching them better behavior, right, we want
them to be better behaved, we want them to be empathic,
we want them to be nice, we want them to
be kind.
Speaker 4 (27:32):
But we also have to realize a.
Speaker 5 (27:34):
The true meaning it's to teach and then be where
they are at in their brain development. So even your
ten year old, you know, sure we give a two
year old a past, but a ten year old's brain
is still.
Speaker 4 (27:45):
Not fully formed.
Speaker 5 (27:45):
We're still literally actively teaching from the time that they
are born all of these skills and I think that
gets missing in the conversation where we would never be
really harsh and punish if they didn't in their ABC's
or if they swung and they hit, they didn't hit
the baseball right, and maybe when I was younger, you
(28:06):
still got punished for that. But we've kind of a
good coach and a good teacher and a good post.
Speaker 4 (28:11):
Like they are leading confidently. They're letting you make mistakes.
Speaker 5 (28:16):
They are not necessarily happy about the mistakes. They're not
allowing the mistakes. They're not letting you run the show
or run the shit, but they know that you're there
to be their teacher and to be their guide. So
when you look at discipline as a whole in that way,
I think it's really helpful right where it's like in
those really hard moments when they make a mistake, when
(28:37):
there is unwanted behavior, we can let them know firmly,
like hey this is not okay. Hey you do not
hit your baby's sister. Hey you have to get your
homework in on time. We can be firm and still
not like scare the living shit out of them, because
that's not going to help them learn.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Right, Because what we know about brain science exactly what
we know about brain science now is that when our
kids feel scared, like when we're loud we're threatening them,
their brain kind of shuts down, like they actually can't
take in new information, they can't think, they can't reflect
on how to do better, so they're really not learning
what to do for next time.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
I do feel that, and so in recent episodes here
at wind Down, I said publicly that legend my middle
And by the way, he's a lover. He's a good dude.
He's really super smart. He's too smart almost you know
the type, and he is just I am alone about
(29:37):
two hundred nights a year. My husband is in music
and he's gone, and it until a month ago, has
just literally been us no help. Okay, So I need
to frame that because this dude gains ten more pounds
and he's going to be bigger than me, right, So
the testosterone is raging at his age group. It's starting
to really show itself. And we're a pretty girly household
(29:58):
for very feelings. He does say things I feel sad,
I feel angry, which I have been really proud of
because he's able to like name some things instead of
just crying or storming out or whatever. So what we've
run into though, is that he literally will just scream
at me like it's like maddening, right, and I stay
calm and I just say, I'm not going to do
(30:19):
that with you. I see that you're sad. You know, listen, guys,
I'm a follower on Instagram. I'm cutting out all your
little things. I've downloaded your little you know, mobile e
books and all the things. Right, So there was a
time where Legend Broth got soap in his mouth. I
was not angry when I did it. I said, you
are not going to speak to me that way. You're
(30:39):
not going to speak to me that way. And by
I said, on three, you are going to get soap
in your mouth. I know Christ's taking a drink of
coffee for those that can't see, because she does want
to frame us in.
Speaker 4 (30:50):
A way vodka. You know what I mean. It's I'm
ready listen.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
I know, but I can tell you, like, how do
I politely tell this girl she's derailed her whole household.
Speaker 4 (31:00):
That's not what we're saying. We're not here. That's the
last thing.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
Well, that's refreshing. I did just it's not in alignment
with why. I know, I'm just kidding. People were like
it was funny because I felt like, I love how
honest we are with each other all the time. But
I felt like people were like offended on our behalfs
and I was like I was offended. Anyways, what I've
learned is that doesn't really work for him, and that's fine,
(31:23):
But it was literally like the first time that I've
ever showed like myself. I guess being this is like
very that geo sounding or something, but like more like
dominant than him or something. He never has seen me.
I'm the feeling creature. And when Dad comes home, Dad
kind of wants to be fun if I'm honest, because
(31:44):
he is gone a lot, so bed times are kind
of out the window, and I try to keep it
a little consistent. But and I'm not making excuses. I'm
just letting you know, like that's literally like the first
time he's ever seen me be a person. Since then,
a week ago, him and I had a conversation where
I actually told him, I said, you're not treating me
like a good friend. You're actually not being kind to me,
(32:07):
and you're hurting my feelings, I said, And that's me
being honest with you, and so when you talk to
me that way, it does make me sad because after
a while you get beat down and you're by yourself. Yeah,
that has been the biggest change for him so far.
Like we're I don't want to jinx it, but in
this last week, I'm like, legend, I still want to
be loved on too, you know. But and I'm not
putting pressure on him to be an adult, but it's
(32:29):
like I don't need to, just like it's almost like
default behavior at some point when they keep doing the
same things. And that's what I felt like was happening.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
I think it's good for your kids to be able
to talk about feelings in that way with you. It
sounded like really honest and open.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Yeah, And I wasn't like guilty, you know. But I
do think there is this wave like our generation seems
to be very mindfully parenting, which I love about us.
I just also know it's not super realistic to have
a whole society full of wild feelings that like, you know,
like I'm a Christian, so I know God tells me
(33:06):
no for a reason. I know if I do something
I'm not supposed to do, there's a consequence to that.
Consequences are a good thing to know about too. So
I think that's where people like you really matter to
me because you help us navigate the in between of
like old school OG parenting, which was like what you're
talking about, Kristin. We're disciplined for things that were like
I was just being a human, like what in the
(33:27):
world I missed the ball at baseball practice? But then
also we can't swing the pendulum the whole other way
because then what are we doing. We're not seeing our
kids up any better. We're teeing them up differently, but
still maybe not for success, which I guess then goes
back to the question of you know, what do you
guys think on discipline and how to discipline in those areas?
Speaker 5 (33:47):
Yeah, well I think I mean it really does come
down to the coach and the baseball bat because I
think what we're missing again in this conversation is that
your son's brain is not fully developed and for him
to sort of get feelings and not talk back to
you and not this is actually what kids are wired
(34:09):
to do. Now that doesn't mean we just let them.
This is not permissive parenting, but what's different is rather
than seeing it as I need to go kind of
put soap in their mouth or do something different than
I would for the baseball scenario. You actually kind of
have to show up the same way you would with
the baseball scenario because, like you saw, the soap in
(34:29):
the mouth didn't work, right, because again, fear, all the
studies show no matter what you're trying to learn, fear
impedes long term learning. It's just not gonna work, and
it's gonna make your relationship probably a little bit wonkier. Right,
It's just not And again we all make mistakes. You're
saying like you're alone, please give yourself grace. It's just
not a great default strategy. And when we approach a
(34:53):
situation more like that teacher or boss, that's.
Speaker 4 (34:58):
Where we really will see the needle move.
Speaker 5 (35:00):
I love that you sat down and you had a
conversation with him in a calm, regulated moment, just saying like, hey,
you know, this isn't working, Like we're getting into this pattern,
it's not working.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
And that was great.
Speaker 5 (35:12):
And you can hold those boundaries and be you want
to be that firm leader one hundred percent of the time,
you really do. That's the common misconception is Firm leadership
doesn't mean I'm going to scare the out of you.
Firm leadership means I'm going to tell you what is
okay and what is not okay, and I'm here to
(35:33):
run this ship and keep everyone safe. I hear you,
I see you, and this is not okay. That's what
we want to kind of go with. We are the
firm leader. We're not letting them.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
Exactly, and in those conversations, that's where we go in
with that mindset for ourselves and to teach them all
the feelings that you're experiencing, those are okay. It is
okay to be angry. You can even be angry at me.
The behavior is not okay. So this is the way
(36:02):
that we let them out, and it's our job to
teach them you can feel angry, and here's a way
that you can let it out next time.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
So what is the way he can let it out?
Speaker 1 (36:12):
Yeah, he can share it with you with a lower voice, right,
he can write it down for you. I mean, it
takes a ton of practice. It's not going to happen
right away. But the more that we're reminding them of
these more constructive ways of letting it out than yelling
at you, the more that it's going to become their
(36:32):
kind of like narrative going on in their own mind, like,
oh yeah, anger is okay. I can tell my mom,
I can share my feelings, I can write it down
because that's what we ultimately want to give them for life.
Speaker 5 (36:44):
Right, we're raising adults, and especially you guys are seeing
this shift. Right, we're also not even at the Toddridge.
We're seeing a shift. So sometimes it's really easy to
zoom out, or it's harder. It's harder to zoom out
and say, Okay, if you want him as an adult,
he's going to get angry, right, somebody.
Speaker 4 (37:01):
Is going to him.
Speaker 5 (37:02):
Somebody is going to do something him, the traffic that
this whatever it may be, when he is thirty or
he's your age and he gets really angry because it's
going to happen. He's not going to shove it down
because that's probably going to lead to like a violent
explosion later or whatever we all do when we shove
things down, you know, just me drinking and being wild,
all the things that you don't want to do when
(37:23):
you shove things down. What are some things that you
want him to do when he's angry as an adult,
you want to teach him how to take a deep breath.
You want to teach him, Hey, when I'm really angry,
I take a walk around the block, Like it actually
really stimulates my brain, and I turn on really angry
music or what.
Speaker 4 (37:39):
Get creative? Right, It might be different for him. It
might be.
Speaker 5 (37:43):
This sounds silly, but like pushing against a wall and screaming.
I mean, there's a lot of different ways. And if
we normalize that, especially I think for little boys as
they're getting older, like, you're going to feel anger, dude,
like you just are, and sometimes that feels really overpowering.
Speaker 4 (37:59):
That doesn't scare me. I'm here for you.
Speaker 5 (38:01):
I'm here to teach you that when you are an
adult and ongoing, this is how you this is These
are some ways that you can literally make it better
when you feel angry and it's appropriate.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
Do you guys believe then, in that teaching strategy of
you know, disciplining quate teaching. Do you believe in taking
away things then if they aren't behaving, like okay, if
you do this again, like I'm telling you, you know,
no iPad or no sleepover this weekend, like because There's
been a lot of times when I would say, like,
(38:44):
if you don't stop acting like this way, like you
can't go to your friends, even though I'm like, I
would love for you to go to your friends because
that helps me out a little bit. And then I'm like,
I really wish I didn't say that, because you just
did it. Now I got to stick to it. You know,
this is a really good question, though, because I was curious,
like what you would what your advice with that is.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
I mean, consequences can be great. They can be great
teaching tools, but the way they tend to work the
best or the most effective is when they are related
to what's going on. So if you yell at me
and you get no iPod, I mean, that's kind of
They're not very related. It's kind of a control tactic,
which I understand. But I would say times where they
(39:23):
are more effective could be like where they're not using
an item appropriately right Like at this age, you're going
to a website that like is not okay. I know
we have locks for that now, but something like that
where the rules are not being followed, like maybe yeah,
you don't you don't get the iPod for a while.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
The only time I've cheated on you, guys is when
I've taken the Positive Parenting Solutions course with honest all
the time like more listen, No, I know, but I
just neither I know. But that's one of the things
I think I learned most from that was that it
has to be related to consequences, which is easier said
than done when you're hindsight. It's in the moment when
(40:06):
you're like, what really matters to you? Do you guys
ever disagree on parenting things?
Speaker 1 (40:12):
I mean, Kristen, no, I think we're so lned.
Speaker 2 (40:15):
Oh yeah, and we're here total.
Speaker 4 (40:17):
Opposites in all exactly. Literally, I don't.
Speaker 5 (40:20):
Think there's one other thing that we Maybe we're both
kind of messy, but otherwise it's pretty crazy how it's
one hundred percent of the time with parenting.
Speaker 2 (40:31):
And where do you think that you've done? You know,
again the world, just doing the best we can. But
where do you fall short? I guess of you know,
areas where it's like, okay, I yell, or like, what's
your thing that you're trying to work on as a mom.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
Yeah, I mean I think for me it's probably the
yelling thing. I'm literally a child therapist. Okay, I know
every strategy. I've been reading research on this for decades, Okay,
And I'm a human, So when I'm in tough situations,
I'm having a hard day, I'm just of bandwidth, which
by the way, happened literally yesterday. Whereas like I am done,
(41:06):
you know, so I.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Love it. Yeah, I wouldn't even.
Speaker 1 (41:10):
Call it like falling short though, I would call it
just being human, Like this is literally all of us.
And to me, the difference is what is kind of
like your goal and your go to strategy. If you're punishing,
is kind of your go to Like a lot of
us grew up in this type of environment where the
go to strategy to shift behavior was I'm going to
(41:33):
yell at you, I'm going to scare you. You will
respect me, go into your room, I don't want to
see you anymore, spanking. Those are all kind of not
the go to strategy that I'm striving for, Whereas I'm
striving to teach them in these constructive ways that we
all just spend a lot of time talking about. And
I'm human. That means there's going to be days where
(41:56):
I yell or I say something I didn't mean to,
and then I go and try to repair it with
them after and just show them how to take ownership
over being human and having these moments and being like, hey,
I'm really sorry. I was feeling so frustrated and so
overwhelmed I yelled. It's not the best way to let
big feelings out. I'm sorry. Did it scare you or
(42:18):
make you feel sad? Yeah, I can understand that. I'm
going to work on not yelling next time I'm having
a really big frustrated feeling.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
Mm hmm, yeah, oh god, Yeah, I love you too.
Speaker 5 (42:33):
See, like your pediatrician, your resonant experts, like everyone is, like,
it's not like anyone is doing any of these things
one hundred percent of the time. Like the whole goal
of reading any kind of parenting book or reading any
parenting content, it's the same as learning anything you know,
or like it's like going to the gym. There's going
(42:54):
to be two days a week, literally at least probably
three that I'm not going to the gym, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 4 (43:00):
So if we can be like.
Speaker 5 (43:01):
The parent we want to be four days of the
week like we're doing great.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
Mine I'm not needed.
Speaker 5 (43:09):
But that write that down I'm not really a yeller,
which is shocking. Uh, but I hate that I'm a
threatener and I don't want to do it, like it's
not my go to strategy, but I am totally. I'm
totally I do exactly what you just said where I'll
be like, we will never come back to the park
ever again.
Speaker 4 (43:28):
I too much.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
We couldn't do it.
Speaker 4 (43:31):
That's it.
Speaker 5 (43:31):
We're never And then you see their faith like crumble
and cry because we're never coming back to the park.
Speaker 4 (43:36):
And I'm like, oh and that's.
Speaker 5 (43:40):
I admit so much and it's not rational and it's
like my go to thing that I hate that I do.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
Okay, I have one last question at least from me.
So I feel like because I was raised in a
really tumultuous environment like alcohol, drug like it was there
was no structure. I had to create structure. So then
I made a bunch of rules that's been in seemed
to deconstruct as I get older, you know, But like
I feel like I have parented so feeling forward that
(44:09):
when I got to the soap like it was almost
like I thought, have I been too gentle or have
I given too much grace? You know, like there you're
not allowed to actually scream in my face. Whether you
got a new sister who's lovely by the way, she's
a great chick and or whatever, like, you just can't
yell at me that way. So do you think that
(44:33):
it is possible that we need to just be firmer sometimes,
whether it doesn't have to be threatening or discipline wise,
but just like maybe it's less feeling, which I know
is goes against the branding and probably your core. But
do you think we're sometimes too much grace giving and
they actually need us to be a little more disciplined.
Speaker 5 (44:53):
I think both things can exist at the exact same time.
The feeling we never the feeling behind him screaming and
s someone's face is never going to go away. And
if we make him feel ashamed about those feelings, or
we don't normalize those feelings, then he's going to end
up thirty years old and having no idea what to
do as a man with angry feelings. The feeling isn't
(45:15):
being too feeling. E is definitely not the problem. Do
we want to be firm hard, Yes, we want to
be firm. It is not okay to scream in your
sister's face. It is not okay to scream in my face.
I also guarantee you that washing, the soap thing and
all of those things. That's also not going to help
him when he's thirty and feels really angry any kind
(45:37):
of physical or like heightened you know, anger towards him,
because what you're teaching him is when other people have
hard moments, it's literally getting programmed into his brain. I'm
going to start to feel really angry at them because
he's watching you interact with him and doing what.
Speaker 4 (45:55):
He's doing with his anger.
Speaker 5 (45:57):
So we want to be firm, and we want to
be in control, and we want to be that leader
of the home. It is not okay to scream, I know.
Speaker 1 (46:07):
Yeah. Yeah. I think there's just a kind of like
common misconception out there of like, you know, talking about
feelings means you have to be soft and gentle and
please don't hit your sister. It's like no, no, firm
is good. We don't hit. It's okay to feel angry.
(46:27):
Hitting is not okay, Like being firm is great. Kids
need that, yeah.
Speaker 3 (46:33):
And I think a lot of people take it that
way that they can't be from. I think that's where
you feel like the pendulum is swinging because a lot
of parents just hear, you know whatever and yeah, and
they don't think that they can still be firm with them,
and it's like okay, And then you've got a whole
group of kids that have parents that have not had
boundaries and not been firm. And I think that that's
(46:55):
where the misconception don't have boundaries.
Speaker 2 (46:57):
No, no, no, I'm definitely I'm very firmly paid garantee. Like
I feel, I'm from Michigan, so you're already we're street
in that. Like it just gets kind of hood fast,
you know, so it's not like he's walking all over me.
I just I sometimes wonder I do. Really am passionate
about parenting period. I'm super passionate about parenting boys. I
was raised by a little boy that did not get
(47:19):
the validation, attention, love and like moments, ten minute miracle
would have changed my dad's life, which would have changed
my life. Yeah, So I'm just I know what it
looks like when a little boy doesn't get that. And
so I'm determined and I'm not saying I'm gonna get it.
I'm gonna nail it. But for me, this is like
a generational cycle breaking thing for me, Like, I know
(47:42):
he's gonna get angry. I just want him to know
he has a place he can do that. I just
need him to also be respectful.
Speaker 5 (47:48):
Yeah, and imagine your dad having been taught you're gonna
get angry, and here's how you let that out. Imagine
if that would have happened. Your child will make mistakes.
They're not gonna take a deep breath every time. They're
gonna scream in your face sometimes.
Speaker 4 (48:02):
Is that okay?
Speaker 5 (48:03):
No, But I promise you that with repetition, they are
going to start to take deep breaths more. They are
gonna go for a walk more. They're gonna feel more
like I'm gonna, you know, whatever the release is listen to,
like eventually some really explicit rap music that like we
don't want them to listen to, but it's better, you
know what I mean, Like they're gonna happen ways or
(48:23):
like boxing a boxing class. That's what we need to
be teaching these little boys, because the anger is not
going to go away.
Speaker 1 (48:32):
It's exactly feelings. Talk is so important because that is
actually what makes a resilient, strong kid is someone who
can make sense of what's happening inside them, because that
is step one to being able to deal with it
in a safe, constructive way. So many of us did
(48:53):
not have feelings talk. We don't understand what's happening. We
push it all down, and then we later explode or
we become anxious, we become depressed, substances like you name it,
you know. So this is actually one of the things
we can do to make tough, sturdy kids.
Speaker 3 (49:11):
So I was going to say, you know, my son
who's fourteen, you know, he doesn't love to talk about
feelings either. We more talk like we just kind of
talk and talk and talk. He doesn't even realize that
we're talking about feelings as much. But during COVID, I
noticed him, like for the first time, so he would
have been eleven twelve, like have an outburst because he's
(49:33):
so social, he hadn't been around anyone, and he got
and so I got him a boxing thing so he
could go box. And that didn't last very long. But
I'd hear him in there and he'd go in there
and whatever. So you know, he did that for a
little while. But one thing I noticed at fourteen, he
had a situation where his girlfriend actually at the time
had done something, and he came to me later and
(49:55):
told me. He's like, I don't want to talk about
it yet. But then he came to me later and
he talked to me about it and he said, I
didn't react the way that I wanted to to her
because she had done something. He's like, but then I
later apologized and did. But I just I saw, like,
because I don't, that's what I do. That's kind of
mym O. I'll react the way I didn't want to.
I'll yell or i'll do whatever, but I will always
(50:16):
come in and I will say sorry, and we will
always talk about it and we will. So I saw
him kind of do that. He's like, but I went
back to her and I apologize, and that's not how
I should have reacted. And so it was like kind
of that moment of like, all right, I've messed up
plenty plenty. You have plenty of mistakes learning how to
freaking raise these children, but like, thank god, he like,
(50:38):
you know, he learned something and that yeah, and I
think that that's like all we can do.
Speaker 2 (50:43):
Question everyone, just girls, thank you for coming on. You've
got your podcast after bedtime, You've got your Instagram. Big
little feelings. Just thank you for for helping these helping
the mama's out here. Yeah, you're awesome. We need to
out know that, we need to feel like we're not
alone in all this. So thank you.
Speaker 4 (51:03):
You're doing great.
Speaker 2 (51:05):
You are too, so are you. Yeah, you're all just
doing it. Take your kids in the park.
Speaker 1 (51:11):
It wasn't I definitely will.
Speaker 2 (51:15):
So cool. We'll take you. Girls.
Speaker 1 (51:17):
Appreciate you so soon.
Speaker 2 (51:20):
Yeah. Yeah, like ninety percent of the time, I would
like to think that I get down on their level
and another ten is just I said stop. Well, yeah,
I mean that's it. I think that's it, and I don't.
I mean, you guys know me personally, but just publicly,
I would like to say, I'm a I'm a very
intentional parent, so you're very very I'm not like a pushover.
(51:42):
I'm also not like, no go you know, you have
to go deadlift sixty pounds because you talk back to
me or anything.
Speaker 3 (51:47):
I think you're a good mix of being I'm trying
to be. And I wasn't even referencing you. I just
think the pendulum has swung a little bit, and as
people just see, I know, it's just best to talk
about feelings, and it's like, there's so much more to that,
and there still has to be boundaries and there still
has to be firmness, which I think that, yeah, we're
starting to kind of I get excited.
Speaker 2 (52:07):
I know this is probably I get very excited for
our generation of kids to see what they do for
the world and how they are in the world, because
we are, even when we are not nailing it. I
feel like we are so intentional to be continued. We
shall see check back in, check back in in twenty
(52:28):
years when Ramsey Legend and Jolie and Love and everybody
comes Ony, oh boy, talk to you guys later. Bye bye.
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