Live and Thriving with Dr, Jenn Mann

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Wind Down with Janet Framer and I Heart Radio Podcast.
I just got so nervous. Wait, did you bring your
cute cards or the cards are? I don't I never
got any? You have mine? Thanks Ami. Hi guys, Holy crap.

(00:32):
I like, legitimately, I wasn't nervous two seconds before, but
now I'm nervous. I don't know what to do at all.
I'm for the ride. I feel like, are you guys
ready to wind down? This is so cool? Um. I'm
sorry that you guys can't drink because apparently there's liability issues,

(00:52):
but weekend so cheers, but we'll drink a fewph you because,
oh my tissues are over there Eastern. I brought tissues
just in case you never know what wine done? Right?
Who knows what you did this week? I don't know
if I'm gonna cry higher? Um, oh you really want
to talk about that? I mean, I thought we were

(01:14):
just going to sweep that one under the rug. I'm
cool with that too. No, go ahead there, okay, No,
we do want to say thank you so much for
coming out, and our whole theme here is if you
guys do listen to wind down, which hopefully you do,
is you realize how open and vulnerable we are, and
we want this to be an interactive experience as much
as possible. So this is a judgment free zone. Be open,

(01:36):
be willing to open your hearts and to expose yourself
a little bit, to try to grow as an individual
and as a couple, um, because that's what Jan and
I try to do, and that's what we want to promote.
So we want to hear your problems issues and make
sure that we don't know. We don't have shots because
they're like shot alright, I have sex problems. Shot alright,

(01:58):
I got this problem. We gotta make sure that this
is like we're past know. But like to what Mike said,
like we just want you know, if you guys have
questions for our experts that are here that we're so
excited to have um join us on the live podcast today.
I mean, please feel free to be vocal um. And
I'm sorry for the guy standing for you guys in
the back, like they don't have chairs. So I love

(02:19):
you guys. Shots, shots, shots on me. Tori waved everybody
so they can see. You have the microphone too. If
anybody wants to ask anything, will come around to you. Yeah,
just like raise your hand, be like that annoying kid
in the first brow Like I was that kid. So
I'm like, okay, oh she's already got one. Oh let's
bring it girl. So I feel like I'm starting with
a super heavy question. I'm sorry about that, but all right,

(02:41):
well let's just like just like put that in your
mind drink. Like you guys have like shared recently a
little bit about um, Julie's language delay and sort of
how you guys have addressed that, Um, did you have trouble,
like or have you had any trouble like making peace
with it yourself and like trying not to like obsess

(03:02):
daily because like my son has a pretty severe delay
and I'm just always kind of curious how people navigate that.
I will say, for for me, I've had a really
tough time because I feel like whatever not I'm not
saying issues that's a bad word to say. It's I
blame myself, Like maybe she has a speech delay because

(03:24):
I did something wrong as a mom. And I don't
know if that's just a mom thing where we just
put everything on ourselves, like it has to be my
fault that something's wrong with her, because I don't know,
maybe I didn't read a hundred and two books that
night instead of you know, I read just five, or
I skipped a couple. I don't know. Like, so I
have a I'm definitely really hard on myself when it
comes to comes to that um. But you know, I've

(03:47):
I've also talked to so many of my friends like
kids just learn at different times and but I have.
But I also have a hard time to where my
daughter will say something to me and I'm like, I
didn't understand that, and I'm like, wait, I'm now like
I have to help her and not not getting mad
at her, upset with her if she's not explaining it
to me properly. But you know, I think hopefully like
she knows she'll get it, but you know, she's she's three.

(04:10):
But it's hard. I hate when people say mean things.
So sometimes I'll want to post something like today it
was so cute. She was singing into her microphone and
she did not make one word, not one word made sense,
And I was about to post it and I was like, oh, no,
people are going to be mean. But it was like
it made me really sad because I was like, you
knew what I was like the video and I didn't

(04:30):
end up posting it because I thought, I truly was
just like someone's going to make fun of her, and
that made me bumped. I don't know what about you,
bim No, I think a great question. Already, love you guys, microwd.
That's why I say it's probably good I'm not on
Instagram because I wouldn't have a filter with that and
I don't know how to politically correctly handle that situation.

(04:54):
But um, with that with child issues with Jana and I,
we kind of balanced each other out because she is
that her mom and always wants to be doing something
to be proactive and help, and I'm just kind of like,
it'll be all right, Jill, be fine, she'll learn, and yeah,
it was like, honey, I think she might have a
speech delay and he's like no, she's fine, Like she's fine,
she's fine. And then we go to the doctors and
he's like, well, she has a speech delay. And I

(05:14):
was like I have been telling you this for them,
and he's just like, well whatever. Yeah, So we balanced
each other out, but I mean, you know, it's one
of those things, unfortunately with kind of Janie following and
being a celebrity that she is. It's it's comes with
the territory, and it's unfortunate that people out there stooped
at that level to comment about children and think they
have it all figured out. Um, yeah, that sucks. Can

(05:37):
we just like I just have to ask a question
to the crowd because I know we weren't going to
talk about our fight earlier today because no, no joke,
I don't know if we've actually made up. So this
is kind of weird at tension. We're professionals, honey, so
we we turn it on a little bit, like I
really don't Yeah, we're definitely turning it on a little
bit because like I'm a little upset with you still,

(06:00):
But let me just talk about it really fast. So
can I to what degree? To the degree of that,
I'm not gonna like tell like the number amount, He goes,
I don't know. Okay, I just have this thing. I'm sorry.
He doesn't say yes, but I'm doing it anyway. I

(06:24):
don't get people that buy games on their phone, Like
I just don't shoot, oh is my phone? Well there
you go. So I just don't karma. I just for me.
I I'm fine if you want to do like the
candy Crush like you need another life? Like, fine, let's

(06:44):
add five dollars, okay, cool? Whatever for me. I'm like,
that's five dollars you could spend on like your coffee.
Why would you spend that on, you know, your candy
crush game for another life? Like it doesn't make sense
to me. Well, this guy, okay has an NFL game,
all right, so he thinks he's back in the game, right,
and he's like and and every time his player does

(07:11):
it die? Or what are you what are you buying?
Does this have a broken leg? Like does he get injured?
Like I don't know, Like, what is it? Please explain
it to me, and explain it to you whatever it
is that you want. But what are you buying? Though?
Like what is like? What is that a hundred charge?
Every time? I'm just trying to get better, better players,
better everything. So I get an alert on our credit

(07:36):
card actually knows our business manager reached out via email
and was like, uh, you have this charge? Is this accurate?
Because this is kind of excessive? Yeah, And so I
start going through the weeds of the bill. Okay, and
again I don't I am the most frugal person you
will probably ever meet. I don't buy things for myself.
I will buy him the nicest wardrobe and the kids stuff,
but like I have the hardest time buying something for myself.

(08:00):
Brought up a great speaking topic. No, no, no, no, no, no,
it's when we bring up Sarah. Later we'll have a
discussion about something. Oh god, I remember that. We kind
of got into it a little bit. You don't time out, guys.
So anyways, let's get back to Mike and his issues.

(08:20):
I'm totally kidding, but I'm not. But so anyways, so
I look through the weeds and I'm telling you, guys
this I was. I felt disrespected as a spouse because
if there's a big purchase and I'm not just talking
about five dollars, you know, Candy Crush, I'm not talking
about okay, like a hundred dollars, but when you were
spending thousands of dollars, m h m hmmm mm hmm exactly,

(08:48):
this just became like a murder mystery. No no, but
I am telling you, like, to me, that felt so
disrespectful that I'm like you not only like if I'm
going to buy a purchase, let's just say let's just
say it's three grades. Still that makes me sick. Let's
just say, hey, I really want these pair of shoes.

(09:09):
I know I can't even fathom that. I still I
still can't do that. But let's just say, hey, I
want to buy a nice restoration hardware, couch or chair
for our new house. I would come to you for
that kind of big purchase. But this guy's like, let's
buy another life. Let's buy another life. Let's buy another life.
That's buy another life. And it adds up and I'm like,
it is how could you? And so I was He's like,

(09:31):
stop being my parent, and I'm like, I'm not being
your parents. I'm being an angry ef thing wife that
like you should like that's irresponsible. So he's like, I'll
never do it again. Okay, ever do it again. I'll
never spend another dollar on any games. A couple of
thousand dollars later, So I confronted him yesterday about this

(09:55):
and I was pickin right now, no, but I mean
I was no, but I was really angry, and he
just but to go ahead. You can defend yourself. Now,
there's no defending what can I say? There's tangible evidence
that I was an idiot. I'm just a big child still,
but like, okay, Dr Jen has some thoughts. Oh does she?

(10:18):
And Janna, she's on your side. So first we have
a commercial. Oh but this is good though. I like
this commercial because this is Thrive Market. And I'll tell
you what we actually we used to Thrive Market. And
this is the reason that you guys are all here
today is because of Thrive Markets. So let's give a
round of applause for a Thrive Market. Um, what's great

(10:40):
about thrive for us? Before I get into the actual
ad spot, Um, we we used drive Market. It's um, yes,
I'm sure if you've seen some swipe ups on my Instagram,
but it's very organic to us because that is what
we actually use. We use the Myers dish soap and
the dish detergent, we use the surface stuff we get
Annie's from them. They have amazing products. So would you

(11:02):
like to start with the actual list of what we
would to say? Basically, Thrive Market is a revolutionary online
marketplace on admission to make healthy living easy and affordable
for everyone, which is our money because of because he
doesn't do it fast enough, let me do it please.

(11:23):
You can shop for thousands of the best selling non
gmo foods and natural products always at below traditional um
uh prices. Um so even like you know when you
Amazon stuff, no Thrive Market stuff, because you'll actually get
it for a better rate. Everything you need from non
gmo food, snacks, vitamins um straight to your door, which
is again fantastic um. On each products page, you can

(11:45):
see things like while you love it, price comparisons to
retail nutritional ingredients. Thrive Market office a highly curated catalog,
meaning you might only find three or four options for
each product, but you can trust that the best ingredients
right the most affordable prices, is safe for your family.
And keep in mind Thrive Markets prices are are already
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(12:08):
to thrive market dot com slash Janna fright Market dot
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and free thirty day trial thrive Market dot com slash Joanna.
Was that good enough? Funny babe? Come on? You know,
I'm just being like sarcastic with you, which I think
I get the comments like yours I'll mean to him,
and I'm like, no, I'm just really say, oh my god,

(12:30):
I'm just the thing. I'm here. It is Dr jen Man.
You guys give it up for Dr Jenna. So I
want to get into what you posted something really great
today on your Instagram. But can you just help us,
um kind of resolve this fight that we have right
going on right now? Absolutely okay, And it's not quite

(12:51):
as clear cut as one person being right, one person
being wrong. This is actually more complex than but he
said he'd never do it again, but then did it.
What we're going to get to that, but I think
that understanding what it's about for you guys is actually
even more important. Can you guys hear her? By the way,
And since you guys have been so incredibly wonderful and

(13:13):
open and honest and vulnerable about what's been going on
in your lives in your marriage, and you guys have
come out and talked about sex addiction and what that's
been like in your marriage, I want to help you
connect the dots. When people have a sex addiction or
any addiction or a compulsive behavior, they tend to be
really uncomfortable in their own skin. They tend to be

(13:34):
uncomfortable feeling their feelings. They tend to need a lot
of distraction, and especially when you give up one behavior,
oftentimes that compulsive behavior switches over to something else. It's
like that whackhambol game. So okay, so he's not acting
out sexually, wonderful, that's fantastic. That's key, most important. I'm

(13:54):
sure you'd rather he spent two grand on video games
than he acts out and ultimately stiff a lie though
that he said like he said I would never, But
then that triggers me to, oh, well, that's what you
said about this, so this must be equaling this. So
it's going to be triggering for you, no question. But
it's an extension of compulsive behavior. And I have no

(14:14):
doubt in that moment he really believed I'm not going
to do it again. But then he probably found himself
in Those games are wired to be addictive, and he
probably found himself sitting in front of the video game
going I really shouldn't do it. Well, yeah, I'll do
one more just But he didn't have that thought though.
That's That's what bothers me is that I'm like, you

(14:35):
didn't even think about like, did you ask I did?
He said, go ahead? Did you ask what I asked
you when you when you picked up, I asked you,
I go, what hurts my feelings is that you didn't
think of me in that moment, Like you were selfish
in your own feelings, which feels very similar to the
addiction piece, Like you didn't think about how that would
make me feel or so, and you just like what

(14:59):
I thought of my need in that moment to trump
my empathy for your feeling too. So you probably went
I shouldn't do this, did you? Yeah? Yeah, I could.
I could see it in his face. It's because you're here.
He was like, it's just you know, I think for
him though, He's like, it's not I'm not looking at
anything appropriate, so I can do this like this is

(15:21):
equal that. But look, like we talked about when we
met before, when we did your podcast, he's very shame based.
He carries a lot of shame, and I'm not understand
this does not excuse behavior. I am not one to
ever excuse behavior, any kind of compulsive behavior. You're right,
if he makes a commitment, I'm not gonna do this again.
He should talk to you. If you guys have an agreement,

(15:42):
we spend more than X number of dollars together. He
should talk to you, but understanding that this wasn't him
intentionally being malicious to you. This is a flaw and
a broken part of him that still needs to heal.
He still has a lot of work to do. But
for you to understand that this isn't about you, even

(16:04):
though it's not okay, it's unacceptable behavior. He needs to
keep his promises or not make his promise, not make
a promise that he can't assure you that he can keep.
This wasn't him being malicious. This was him acting out
in an unhealthy, compulsive way. Thoughts con said it better myself.

(16:27):
I will know, I will say, I mean, I definitely
can see the correlation, and I will just completely honestly
it is. Uh. I'm more nervous right now just because
it is harder in front physically in front of people
to be transparent like this. So I will say that.

(16:47):
But again I want to thank you guys for comming
to being willing to willing to be a part of
this and kind of open your hearts and open yourselves
enough to to listen and you know, acknowledge these things. Um,
but no, that's totally it. I mean the rationalization there
of me just saying, you know, minimizing it and saying
it's such a it's such a game, and saying justifying

(17:09):
it by saying, you know, I enjoy this. I just
want to do it. I enjoy it. And probably, hey,
I'm giving up all this other stuff like I'm clean
and I'm doing all the right things. I can't at
least play a game, right for sure. And you know
it's like it's like you buy your wine. He's like,
this is just my thing, and I'm like, yeah, but
if you there's not I didn't say I would never
not do this again, or like can we at least

(17:29):
keep it to this amount versus like this amount? Right?
And I and I mean, I think you can attest
you can attest to this that since yesterday last night,
when this came up, I haven't defended the fact that
I did. You know, I understood that I did that wrong.
I understood that I wasn't defending that it was okay
for me to tell you one thing to do the other.
And I totally understood how she correlated me telling her

(17:55):
one thing and then not doing the other, because that's
what I was doing when I was acting out. That's
what I was doing when I is in that addictive
behavior and doing things that were hurtful for our relationship,
So I can it's taken some time. If you'd asked
me that a year ago, or even six months ago,
probably my initial reaction would have been to defend it
and to minimize. It's just a game, like what do

(18:16):
you Why is this a big deal? It's just a game,
you know, And I wouldn't have been able to empathize
towards the bigger picture of the behavior. Um, but still
it's it's hurtful to Janna, and I do feel a
lot of shame that even though it's a stupid the
fact that we're even sitting here talking about stupid game,
you know, but it's real and everyone is here is

(18:38):
because you are so real and you are so willing
to share of your painful, relatable moments. And this is relatable.
Everyone has been in a relationship where someone has made
a commitment or acted out or done something that has
been painful and hurtful. And that you guys are willing
to share this and let people bear witness to your
struggles is amazing and it's a gift that you give

(19:01):
your listeners. Well, we love you, gen Man, and you
know we have some emails right here. But is there
anyone that's willing to ask jen Man, who's obviously an
expert at sex, relationships, you know, life. So is anyone
want to raise their hand and ask jenn a question? Oh,
come on, not one? There we go, we got one? Yeah,

(19:23):
did you see? Okay, it's okay. Can you hear me? Yeah? Okay.
So I'm just wondering with addiction and things like that,
and almost kind of very similar situation to the game.
Is that something with addiction like of pegn insects and
things like that, that you're gonna have to look at
in your relationship for your entire life. Is that something

(19:44):
that's going to be life long for your partner to
work on? Absolutely? Um, When you're an addictive person, when
you're a compulsive person, that it is you have to
watch that like whack a mole thing that I just
said where you you're wanted to and another pops up
you do stop doing one compulsive behavior. Another pops up
that said that when you do the deeper work on yourself,

(20:08):
and you're a guy who's very willing to do that,
it's something about you that's really impressive, and it's got
to make you very proud of him. That when you
do the deeper work to address the underlying issues, the
need to be compulsive and to act out or do
addictive behaviors tends to dissipate. But it's an intense, long
term process. It's not a quick fix. And I think

(20:30):
to your question too, is something that my therapist has
told me is when they when you gradually are not
gradually when you stop there, you're not feeding was that
you're not feeding your endorphins, that you're not getting that hit,
So over time they're not going to think about like chocolate,
like it's always chocolate is always going to be there,
but it's not going to have that pull. Yeah, And
also that the thing about that kind of compulsive behavior

(20:51):
is that it creates such a spiral of I'm feeling anxious, sad, scared,
like whatever the feeling is you don't want to feel,
and then you go, oh, I'm gonna act out. You
act out, whether it's the video game or sex, or
drugs or gambling, food, whatever your thing is, you do
that thing and then you go into shame spiral. Then

(21:12):
you beat yourself up, then you feel terrible. I can't
believe I did that. I promise her I wouldn't do it.
I hope she doesn't catch me. You're nervous, you're getting
some endorphin rush. They are just with the anxiety of that,
which is kind of a little bit of a buzz.
At the same time, you're in this horrible shame spiral,
So you're feeling incredibly conflicted, and you're feeling terrible, and
you're beating yourself up so you feel bad, So then
you're more likely to act out to avoid feeling those feelings.

(21:35):
So it creates this. Yeah, it's a vicious cycle. And
what's interesting about what you just said is that's exactly
what happened in this situation where when I would purchase
again it sounds so childish, but when I would, you know,
spend a hundred dollars in a sitting and buy something
I did, immediately after, I'm like, damn it, Like why
did I just do that? I told her I wasn't
going to do it, you know, And then I'll start

(21:56):
rationalized to myself, oh, well, I enjoy this, this is
something I want to do and whatever. And it is
the same pattern for when I was you know, acting
out sexually outside of our marriage. It's the same thing.
You go into that shame, and what do you do
to get out of that shame? You go back to
the behavior that made you feel a certain way to
escape all of those you know, your reality of all
those feelings and and with you guys to me that

(22:19):
there are two key issues in this. One is the
compulsive behavior, which you have to address in your individual
therapy and do the deeper work. And the second is
the rebuilding of trust with her and the understanding of
even a little lie like that at this point is
going to trigger Well, that's what I said to him.
I was like, I don't at the end of the day, yes,
I'm very upset about spending the money, but at the

(22:40):
same time, it's I would have It would have shown
me so much growth and it would have made me
I would not have been as upset, hardly at all.
Is if you came to me, were like I I
left up. I knew I should have done this. I
hate the finding out part and then deceit behind because
it's not about the game. It's about you lying. We're
not lying withholding information so that you said you wouldn't
do it's it you looked me in the eye, just

(23:01):
like you looked me on when you said this, like
that's the perfect But also it's that he couldn't stop himself.
You really stop and think about it. It's that he
wasn't able to be emotionally disciplined. It doesn't compulsive energy
on it, which makes it harder to trust. And let
me say this, just to touch on it a little deeper,

(23:21):
just from you guys talking about that situation and Janna,
you're saying, if you just come to me and told
me the truth, like you know, it has shown so
much growth. It has shown me a lot the amount
of times and I'm again nervous about getting emotional or
getting deep, but the amount of times that I heard
that from my parents or my father when I was

(23:41):
a kid, and I would actually take him up on
that and come to him and tell him the truth,
and I would still have the same level of repercussions
as I would when I lie. Is still traumatizing. Even
hear her say, if you would just come to me
told me, this would have been a lot better. Well,

(24:03):
I'm still trying to work through the fear of being
able to do that and know that I'm doing the
right thing and regardless of reaction by her or anybody
that no one, I still did the right thing. So
I just came up for me. When you guys were
talking about that how and Green that still isn't me.

(24:25):
Have you ever tried that with her? Uh, come to her? Yeah,
There's been things that I've brought to her attention that
I've said, Hey, I lied about this. Yesterday I was
I said this, it was really this, Um, how did
it go? I mean every time it's been great. So
she's offering you reparative experiences. She's helping. Absolutely, there's no question,

(24:48):
you know. But it's I think just probably trusting that
this was hard. Even though I've haven't mother f you
after it, you know, I've been like okay, then I'm
like but like inside, I'm like I know that if
I do that, like, he's not going to come to
me again, So I have to like swallow, like you know, yeah,
I know, I know. Jan How does How does Janna

(25:08):
navigate when Michael comes to her and tells her the truth.
She wants to him to know that's the right thing
to do, but she's still a little mad about either
what it was or the lie. So how does she
navigate that with him? It's a great question because I
did it wrong. Like I will say, like, what I
can own on this was that I did not handle
my emotions correctly because I was so triggered by well

(25:31):
you said this last time, and look what happens. So
what else are you doing? Let's look at the phone bills?
I mean I spiraled today. I was like, I want
to see phone bills. I want to say this. That
one is because I'm like, if you're lying about this,
and you must be lying about and I'm like, oh,
we're here again, Like of course it makes sense that
this real time. By the way, she hasn't said any
of that to me. Me. That's what I think the

(25:53):
question I think you were asking about when he does
do it right, But if he comes her and says, hey,
I screwed up. I did it again, I spend a
thousand bucks on the because she needs to sort of
quote reward him for doing the right to be mad right,
But I can't. Second, I have to bring it back
to him later. The first conversation is thank you so

(26:17):
much for trusting me enough to take me and sometimes
you know what I was talking to a parent in
therapy this week about this that sometimes when our partner
tells us something that we don't like, or our kid
tells us, you know, they confess the crime that they committed,
our first reaction is to get mad. But it's a
compliment to the relationship. When he comes to you, it

(26:37):
means he trusts you, he's invested enough in the relationship
to take that risk, he's willing to be vulnerable, So
it's actually a compliment. And if the first thing out
of your mouth is thank you so much for trusting
me enough to tell me, it will shift your energy
as well as the conversation. There's there's a guy, John Gottman,
who did a bunch of research. He's one of the

(26:59):
top searchers and relationships and he can predict divorced with
accuracy based on his research. And one of the things
he says is it percent of the time, the way
a conversation starts is the way it's going to end.
So if you started with how could you have done that?
I can't believe it like it's gonna end on that
same note. But if you can turn to him and
say thank you so much for trusting me enough to

(27:21):
share that information. I know this has got to be
really hard for you. I love that it's going to
change it. Um, let's lighten it up a little bit.
Who was that guy again, John Com? Okay, Amy's like,
I'm writing that one done. I'm just sorry. This one
just kind of kept because I can't relate to this.
So I want to hear this. But from Kimberly, I'm

(27:44):
not attracted to my husband. My marriage has been someone's
left well. But the weird thing is that I've had
a friend tell me this before, so I'm curious to
kind of get your take. But she says, my marriage
has been in the gutter. In the last three years,
I've only had sex with my husband. Wait, yeah, in
the last three years. Sorry in the last no judgment,

(28:08):
by the way at all, but no judgment. In the
last three years, I have only had sex with my
husband four times, two of which ended in babies. Um,
but I am not attracted to my husband. I don't
know what to do. I'm so irritated with him that
I can't get past it to be turned on by him.
Believe it or not, this is more common than you.

(28:29):
That's the thing I remember having conversations with one of
my girlfriends are like, I like, A, I don't want
to have sex with my husband. It's been a year,
and be I don't really think he's attracted, Like I'm
not attracted to him. But they give away in this
was I'm irritated at him. And typically the number one
how many of you are irritated by your spouse? Raise
your hand? What if your hand down? But wait, but

(28:52):
that was like half the room. What is going on?
And here's the thing. The number one reason that I
have seen in my clinical practice why people male or female,
by the way, because men withhold tex too, it's not
just women. But then number one reason why people withhold
sex is anger. Anger that has not been talked through process.
That's what I'm getting from this person. And that she

(29:16):
doesn't say like, oh, my husband's getting a hundred pounds
and he has worked all over his face. Now, like
she's not saying there's been a physical change. What she's
saying is I married this guy. She's probably attracted to him.
That usually were attracted to people we marry, but now
I'm not. So something has changed in her marriage. And
it sounds like she's angry and it sounds like what
they need is talk therapy. They need to be sitting

(29:37):
in the room with a neutral person to help them
have productive conversations and to communicate and talk through their
anger and process it, because when anger doesn't get processed,
it gets leaked out in all different forms in our relationships.
Is there anyone that's willing to open themselves up attest
to this and say that maybe you're going through a
dry spill in your relationship sexually and that feelings are

(30:00):
coming up or anything. Is anyone have want to step
up to the plate? Come on? Oh, okay, yeah, there
we go. Um, so my boyfriend I've been together for
almost eight years. Eight years, Sarah, you got some help there,
barre baby, get my love? Okay, years going on at years. Um,

(30:26):
we both live at home, but it's kind of the
same thing, you know, Um, and we actually just recently
had a break for a couple of months. Are you
guys back from your break? Yes? Okay, yes, but even so, so,
I don't know, if you know, we both kind of
have some anger and frustrations, um, from the past, maybe
even now, but we really don't have sex that often,
and I don't know if it's maybe we live at

(30:47):
home because I live with my parents. He lives with
his parents, so that maybe has something to do with it. Um,
I'm going to school. I'm a nursing school, so I
don't have the funds to move out financially. Um. But
it's for me, it's really frustrating. And I know you
kind of have touched on this in the past that
for you, you like the physical touch, right, and I'm
kind of the same way. So that was actually a

(31:07):
question I was gonna ask you and how you kind
of dealt with that with Mike. Does your boyfriend know
that's your love language. I think we've had the conversation before. Um.
I did buy the book of a couple of years
ago and we went through we were going camping, UM,
so I was doing it in the car. But um,

(31:28):
I'm sure he does, or at least he did at
the time. So I don't know if it's something I
need to bring up again. Well, I mean, for you know,
I'm gonna obviously let the experts speak on this, but
for what what I've done is, I think it's just,
you know, he really needs to know what you need
and what makes you fulfill. So for me, it's like,
you know, he knows if I like touch and and

(31:49):
so he makes an effort to to do those things
because he knows that it's going to fulfill me more
than him emptying the dishwasher when it's like vice versa
for for each other. So like he rather have me
em be the dishwasher than give him a guess. So like,

(32:15):
I think he just needs to know so that way
he can show up for you. And then you have
to find the way that you can show up for
him in whatever way that he needs because it might
be different from what from what you know he wants. Um,
But I think it's just, you know, it just takes
some time in some practice because it might not be
his first thing. Like that's not maybe not what he
you know, gravitates towards. I don't know, expert, because I'm like,

(32:39):
tell me a little bit more about the dynamic and
the relationship between the two of you. Are neither of
you wanting sex? Is one of you wanting it the
other one is not? I need a little more information.
I think I'm wanting it more and he is, um girl.
And what does he say about when when you talk

(33:00):
out that or you initiate what's his response. Typically, if
it's initiated, you know, we we will have sex, but
it's not as often anymore that he'll initiate it um
And a lot of times he's like, well, I'm just tired.
You know, I work. He works for the gas company,
and so it's like, well, I've been working all day,
I'm tired. It's this and I'm like, okay, I guess

(33:22):
you know or does want to have a good sex
life with you. I think so it's not honestly, not
something we've been We've brought up a lot because I'm
not sure how to bring it up. Talking about sex
once it becomes an issue, becomes so scary and so
difficult to do that everyone's afraid of hurting each other,
of egos, of making things worse. And sometimes people think, oh,

(33:43):
if I talked about it's gonna make it worse. But
things have to be performance too, because it's like the
more we talk about it, the more you know it
doesn't work. Yeah, that's not pure, but like you know
what like like we all know like from the other
side of it. Never mind, but if you want to

(34:06):
take right now, German, let me ask you something. When
you guys first met that first six months of the relationship,
what did you guys do that made you gut? Like
if you were getting ready for a date, what did
you do? How did you get ready for a date?

(34:27):
It would depend on where we were going. Did you
pick out an outfit? Yeah, and I do still try
to do that. Would you get like some cute laundree? No,
I'm not really that to p Anderson either, I'm really
not that type of more of like a naked cow
whatever whatever, had a job done. Would you think about

(34:50):
like the last time you guys had sex or they kissed,
or how hot it was once in a while you like,
And I'm talking early stage of the relation, when things
were hot and heavy. Yes, definitely. One of the things
I see a lot of the time that I have
a feeling that's going on for you guys, is that
eight years into a relation, people go on autopilot and

(35:12):
they expect their sex life to run on its own,
And I'm sorry, sex lives don't. And if you just
let it kind of do its thing. We tend to
be negligent. We tend to not take as good care
of ourselves. We tend to not do the things that
not only were seductive to our partner, but seductive to ourselves.

(35:32):
Like you're you're not a brown panty scale. I I
feel you, but there are a lot of people out
there who are. And when a woman who's into cutber
on panties puts it on for her partner, she's also
kind of getting herself sex stuff. She's getting that energy going.
She's seducing herself as well as him. My only thing
to that, though, and I'm so sorry to cut you off,
is that if that's not what he's because if if

(35:54):
I were to do that, because I'm not I don't, like,
I don't even know if I have one piece of laundry, Like,
I'm just not laundrey a girl. I'd rather put on
an extra large T shirt and some panties and go
to bed like whatever, like like i mean, I'm talking
about like the Target brand. Like I'm just not like
that girl. So if I were to do that and
then get turned down, that feeling sucks, you know, So

(36:15):
you might have to really have a conversation with him,
because again, figure out what his love languages to make him,
you know, because it might not be the launerie. But
you know what I'm saying, that that's not what I'm saying.
It's not about. What I'm saying is the things that
we do in the beginning of a relationship get us
excited about sex and excited about a date, are the

(36:38):
things we tend to neglect doing. I don't care about
the specific bra or the panties, but what I care
about is the mindset. And I care about the things
that she did before that date and doesn't have to panties,
not brow on panties. But she was thinking about the
last time that they kissed or they made love. She
was thinking about things that made her hot and got

(36:59):
her juices flowing. And he probably was doing the same.
He's probably like, but not because I can't wait to
see her and I can't wait to see her as
sparkle and like touch her arm and whatever, you know.
But it's about getting into a seductive mindset. And eight
years later, if you're not making an effort to get
into a sexual mindset, if you're not doing things to

(37:20):
kind of keep your juices flowing, they don't tend to flow.
We tend that the familiarity tends to kind of squash
that our sexuality. It tends to have to make it flat, Sarah,
what do you do because you've been six years in
almost seven almost seven and almost there, we're almost still

(37:41):
less in case you didn't notice. Um, yeah, so I
was thinking because where they is, Oh my god, he's
gonna kill me, kill me? Um, oh my god. So
we're the opposite because like he loves to do it
and I also loved to do it, and so like

(38:02):
this is a weird mindset. Okay, let me just start
from saying my last relationship I was. I was cheated
on when you were ten. I'm sorry, I just heard
like I said, my last relationship. Okay, you said him,
I was cheated on all up and down the walls,
and I didn't even really care, and I was like,
it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me.
So when I met him, I was like, okay, guys

(38:23):
like sex. I'm gonna have sex all the time whenever
you want to do it. I do it like I
don't care, like I'm gonna make him. And then as
it kind of went on four years, five years, it
was like, oh my god, we're still doing it all
the time when he wants to. So I think, for me, listen,
I'm also trying to ring, So if that's what I

(38:43):
have to do, I'll do it. That was like four
years after you gain my mind and I am dead,
Oh it'll go and I'm like, well, here we are later.
But I think that you have to find it enjoyable
for you. So like for me, I was like, you
know what, I want to do it when I want
to do it, and not just when he wants to
do it. And so even though that's not your situation,

(39:06):
I think that you need to find like, Okay, I
feel best what kind of like you were saying, like,
if I have my nailed son, I'm done. I could
take over the world for you if it's like I
feel really good today and I'm going to do this
and if he is still you know, because I think
there's a sense of like when you're feeling yourself, someone
else picks up on that. It's like like even with him,
like when he's feeling himself, I'm like, oh yeah, like

(39:28):
I get so do I agree with you on that,
But I also think that you need to obviously have
a conversation and be like this is how I feel.
Because for sure, what I was gonna say when you
said he is. It's like everyone can say what they want,
but you guys are obviously doing something right if it's
lasting for eight years. And that's what I say, like
when people are like no, because it's true. When people
are like, oh my god, like he's never I'm like, well,
we're obviously doing something right because seven years in, I

(39:48):
don't hate him, and like we don't have kids, we
haven't had a wedding, so it's only going to get better.
So like you're obviously, you guys obviously are doing something
right that is working for you. So I feel like
you just need to be like, look, this is how
I feel. And then if he's like I don't care,
then that's something huge. If he's like, you know what,
this is how I feel? Because what's your sign? Oh Jesus, okay,

(40:08):
I know because like, um, I don't like talk about
my feelings at all ever. And so like if I
cry to tie, he's like whoa, and then like maybe
he'll like cry like didn't you just have a blow
up with him about the ring? Like here we go
two nights ago, Yeah I did. I did? Oh you
want me to go on? I feel so when I

(40:29):
have a meltdown, and tell him how I feel that's
like it's not his love l but he's like, oh
my god, like you're you're serious. So then like it
allows him to be like okay, So like we had
I had a melt down the other night and he
also had to melt down, and Sich Cathery were just
like melting but it was really therapeutic. And he was like,
I hear you, and I was like, and I hear
you too. So that's I mean, I think that's why

(40:52):
he and I have lost it so long is because
we have really good communication. Um, I don't know if
he really listens to me, but we talk a lot.
So I think that I think that you need to
just like obviously have a serious conversation, not just like
a joke like I want to do it. And I
think also the other part, and I see this a lot,
is that once you've kind of talked about the emotional

(41:15):
aspect of it, you also want to rule out the
physical aspect. Because I can't tell you how many men
I see young men in this day and age who
have low testoster. I always anytime I get a couple
in my office where the man doesn't have a sex drive,
that he's happy with and that's hurting the relationship. I was,
please go and get your testoster and check before we

(41:36):
do anything. We got to rule this out. I had
a couple in my my office once. I wrote about
this in my book The Relationship Fixed, which by the way,
I'd love to give you a copy of um that
this couple came in for ten years, this guy had
no sex dride that his wife her heart was broken
like she was so angry and resembled by time they
came in and I said, you gotta get yourself in
there and just get your test aster and check. He

(41:57):
goes in. His was incredibly low. The doctor puts him
on an appropriate dose of testosterone. His sex drive is back.
His wife was so hurt that for ten years she
felt rejected, She felt hurt. She begged him to go
the doctor. She begged him to do all these things
and he didn't. That then the issue was no longer
a sex drive. It was how hurt she was for
ten years, and we had to spend all this time

(42:18):
in therapy because she was so hurt. So I always
like to rule out the physical, talk about the emotional,
and then also changed the behavior to behavior that's conducive
to having a sex life. Both of you guys, being
in your parents houses not so conducive. So you have
to really go out of your way to create situations
that make space for sex. If if it's not the

(42:40):
the physical with the test testosterone everything like that, how
can you determine if maybe it is just an intimacy disorder?
And I'm not talking about it diction aror anything like that,
but some people can still just once the relationship is getting,
you know, longer in his tenure, you know that that
magic does kind of naturally fade. Right, So if someone
it's easy to have sex early on when you really
don't know the person that well you're going to to

(43:01):
know each other, but then when you get into a
nitty gritty it's it's like that there's so much intimacy there,
which for me, I just know personally makes me so
uncomfortable that I'm trying to get through and grow from.
So have you seen that just in relationships that don't
have to deal with addiction, but just absolutely yes, I
think that for most people, for the vast majority of
people in this country, if we're really honest, that having

(43:26):
emotional intimacy and having sex in the same relationship is challenging.
It is a vulnerable experience. It is a challenging experience.
I mean, in my book, the last chapter sex, everyone
was jumped to that chapter, but really a huge part
of that chapter is about exactly this, in the emotions
of how do you handle both and what do how
do you do the things that make a sex life grow,

(43:48):
and and kind of what are the actual steps you
need to take in the conversations you need to have?
But yeah, that is the conversation, Alan, how's your sex life? Yeah?
Should we do one more question for Jenn? I thought
there was one in the back. By the way, thank
you very much for opening year story. So there's not

(44:14):
one in the back. No, okay, yeah, the last one
for gen Man. My husband and I have been together
for thirteen years, five years dating and eight years married.
We got into an argument the other day about how
much we should be happy sex. We have sex about
three Jesus, we have sex about three times a week,
and he thinks that isn't enough. Just curious what y'all think.

(44:35):
I mean, I think, hello, like, if you've got kids
a factor in tired schedules. I mean, I want sex
a lot, but I'm happy with two a week. I'd
like three, that'd be fun. But hell, I do for
spend me around, baby, But I mean like for you.
I mean like I feel like you're good, like once

(44:56):
a week, like you're like I get my thing in
and then I'm good. Oh, welcome to wind. It was
seriously like, what would you think, Like, what's a healthy number?
It's it's based on these couple. It's what people need.
What do you want? Whatever you want? He's trained so

(45:19):
well just thinking that. No, but I think we do
it like what twice a week? Sorry? Mom? I mean
I have kids, Jesus obviously do I'm not sex No,
really keep tracks sometimes more, sometimes less. A lot of
people want to know too, if the Tan Trick sex
therapy worked for us and what happened. I mean, you're

(45:39):
not to give me all the details, but just let
me tell you. After we got done with the Tan
Trick therapy. No, um, I it worked. We just haven't
done well on the follow through because we got sick,
like we're still kind of dealing with the cold right now. Um,
and we didn't really follow directions we're supposed to when
we did. That's your fault though, buddy, I'm sorry when
I have sex with my wife. So through through the exercises,

(46:04):
you're not supposed to have sex afterwards, well every time
we So the tantrik exercise is like so there was
a couple different ways. Like one was like massage your
partner like that, so it's like like your massage their
leg and their body from linked up to like toes
or like feel yeah. But then the one of them
was basically dry humping and you're basically just laying in

(46:27):
bed like humping each other. I mean, I felt like
we were eighth grade all over again. But this time
I got to get lucky, so I was like, all right,
I was doing it, so I'm dead direction Um, okay, Jan,
thank you so much. Just answer a little bit on
the question real quick. Oh sure, it was a question

(46:49):
I just imagined, like Mike drop humping. I actually wrote
a call about the common InStyle magazine that was about
how many times a week should you be having sex?
The research shows and and look, I gotta be honest personally,
clinically this sounds a really a lot of me. But
people who have sex couples of sex once a week

(47:10):
are technically the happiest. I don't like that study that
it just it seems low, but like whatever works, and
and and look truthfully, clinically speaking, what matters to me
is that therapist when a couple comes in. If a
couple comes and says we're having sex once every other
week and we are thrilled, were satisfied, we feel connected

(47:32):
by great, that works if there if the problem is
with the disparity, And what I would want to know
with this couple is what's going on that he wants
more sex? Is it really just about the sex? Is
it about he wants more intimacy? Is it he wants
more attention? Is it that he was molested as a
child and is sexually compulsive and is acting out and

(47:54):
needs sex to bind his anxiety? Like there are a
lot of reasons why people want sex besides sex. Well,
can I just intro Christine to this and are you
okay with me? Okay? You guys? First, I'll give it
up for Christie Morrell. She was she was on the
podcast a couple of weeks ago and she was talking
about health and um, we talked about weighing myself and

(48:16):
you know, just about body issues and I kind of
want to bring you in on this conversation with us,
because she, well, Aimy just kind of whispered in my
ear with that thanks and again you said you're okay.
So I feel like I feel like I'm kind of
like being intrusive and kind of mean, but it's fun.
You schedule sex exactly. So we've been married for um

(48:39):
fifteen years and we have two kids, a nine year
old and eleven year old. And we went to see
a therapist before we had kids, and it was an
amazing experience. And what he did is he had us
each right down what our expectations are for each other.
How do you want to raise kids? How many kids
do you want? How do you want to discipline them?
How many times? Does he want to have sex? Many times?

(49:00):
And sex was very important for him and I'm very
emotional and I needed a lot of attention. So he
was like, Okay, then if it's important for him to
have sex twice a week, we have kids, how are
we going to do this? So we've decided and we
have a lot of communication on this and it's easier
for us to schedule sex. So Mondays and Fridays, I

(49:23):
usually get home early, the kids are still in school,
like legitimately every Monday were single Monday at the same time,
at the same time, exactly doesn't ever have sex like
during the weekend and we're just spontaneously. It happens rarely rarely,
But does it? Does it feel? Because I know that
will that would never work for us because well, for

(49:44):
for someone like me, it would be a mind it
would be in mind. Oh my gosh, would be like
I would have so much anxiety around that tom planning intimacy.
Like for someone like me who doesn't like intimacy and
anew that I would be like, Okay, so at Thursday
at five, I gotta be informed me because I'm just

(50:06):
thinking about that. I can't do that. But like for you,
like does it No, it gets me excited, Like I know,
like mondays, I get up and I'm like excited, I'm
looking forward to the day. I know exactly what if
it like your stomach hurts or like you have a headache,
or what if you know, you get a meeting that changes,
like sorry, I gotta have sex at three o'clock, Like

(50:27):
you can't change your schedule. I'm friends with Christie and
she's been at my house, Like does she do it
at your house, but she's like, yeah, it's five are
all our neighbor and girlfriends. And she'll say, sorry, guys,
I gotta go in six minutes after have sex. Yeah. Yeah,
you can change days and Fridays and now it's changed anyway.

(50:48):
But it totally works for us and he gets he
gets what he needs, as do I. It's just I
don't know, there's something about the excitement of looking forward
to it and knowing it's going to happen, because I
feel like for me, I I can get like exhausted
and I'm tired, I'm doing a million things, and I
just I feel like, if it's scheduled, I know I'm
gonna make him happy. Therefore I'm going to get what

(51:09):
I need. It just works. Be like hour, You've told
him don't touch me at least two or three times,
So is that like your way? I'm just bring it
baby like you and to say that one more time

(51:33):
is now I'm not going to be mad at you
when you as the Christian when my diffuser do go
ahead like I just kissed off creamer, it's amazing. So
I'm just wondering if you use sex and like pushing
away intimacy as a way of showing him that you're
piste off because you know that he knows that that's
your love language. And the last two last hour, you've

(51:55):
said don't touch me at least twice and he's physically
pushed him away from you. Yeah, so it's great question
up because that any push him away again. Shoot, no, um,
I've never used sex against um, against us ever. For
the last night when he tried to get it on

(52:15):
last night, I was angry at him and I felt
really disrespected. And what I don't want is I don't
want to use sex in a healthy way. So I
knew that him trying, like him him wanting to have
sex to me last night, I wasn't in the head space.
And I know that if I'm not in the right headspace,
I'm going to spiral it and I'm gonna start thinking
about bad stuff when we're having sex, and then it's
just gonna end up being bad. So if I'm not

(52:37):
in a good headspace, and that's when does that ever happen? Like, like,
in the spirit of pissing you off, potentially, did you
choose to try to be intimate with her as a
way of good question? Good question, but no, honestly, but

(52:59):
do you find it interesting that you were super attracted
to her and like super horny as you just said,
and wanted your juices to flow as you would say,
like when you knew she was pissed off at you.
That actually is a very siightful question as well, because
very stute. Yeah, very stupid, because I, honestly I don't
know the answer to that, because that could very well

(53:20):
be in my subconscious being like, Okay, I know she'll
probably turn this down. So for me and with my
issue with intimacy and sometimes per for me, it's like,
you know, she's probably not gonna want this, so there's
no pressure for me, there's no But I'm onto you though,
here's the deal. Maybe I will start using it as something,
so maybe I will get mad to be like I'm
gonna get it. Definitely about giving a little. I think

(53:46):
that there's another factor in all of this, and that
is Mike. When you when she's not mad at you,
you guys are more merged emotionally, and that intimacy scary.
But when she's mad, she pulls back from you, That
pulls back in terms of the intimacy, So it makes
it a little safer for you to approach given your

(54:09):
issues around intimacy. And I think you are the perfect
example of when we're angry, we withhold sex, we're pissed,
we then don't want to go there and be that
emotionally connected. But one thing I want to add to
the question that you asked it, and it was a
series of truly brilliant questions and incredibly astute um. But

(54:31):
sometimes with couples less you guys have experienced trauma, So
this might not work for you, guys, But for a
couple where there's just kind of the typical intimacy sex
trouble of like, wow, we're so emotionally intimate, it's really
scary to have such close intimate sex. Sometimes getting into
stuff like role playing, getting into you know, toys, bondage

(54:53):
games like all that kind of stuff can kind of
remove or even positions where you're not face to face,
you know, those kind of things in kind of help
lessen the intimacy and make the sex exciting and kind
of shake it up a bit, but also kind of
pull back on the intimacy a little. Love that. Um, Christie,
can I see the question? I want to switch gears
a little bit to health and Sarah too if you

(55:14):
want to pop on with my Mike. Um this is
from Caitlin. She has a workout addiction, just like Sarah.
I have to work out. When I don't, I get
upset and work out even harder the next day. On
top of that, I have to sweat. If I don't,
then I feel like I failed myself. But question is
how can I get out of this habit? Until that podcast,
I would have never realized this is a bad thing.
Is this something of a concern I should take focus

(55:34):
on or just let it go? I think it all
depends again how it affects your life. I think if
you're mad at yourself, or you can't enjoy your day
because you haven't sweat that day, I think that there
is something wrong with that. I think you should be
able to have workouts where so I can speak to
this personally because I had an addiction with exercise, so um,
I would say that was my means of almost like

(55:55):
exercise bliemeia when I was in college, where I would
eat a lot and then have to exercise. But I
didn't feel right unless I was like pouring sweat. And
so now in my adult life. I do things that
actually don't sweat at a hall, which is interesting how
it's the complete opposite. But for those that feel like
they can't have a good day or they are just
in a you know, funky mindset all day because they

(56:17):
haven't sweat, I understand the adorphins. I get that it's
important to move your body and feel good, like there's
nothing wrong with that, But when it's an absolute addiction,
like if I don't sweat today, then I will have
a bad day and everything will be like wrong, and
that that definitely is a problem. And for sure I
would think about either talking to somebody or you know,

(56:41):
be up for the challenge. You like, let me just
see what happens if I just go out in nature
and do a hike or do something like a walk
instead of having to do a class where I'm like
dripping sweat. How does that make me feel? And if
it is a problem, then yeah, I actually think you
should talk to somebody. And I think a part of that,
like to your point, because obviously we just have this
come station like two weeks ago, I which I didn't

(57:02):
say on the podcast, is when I was I think
there's a difference like is it a control thing or
is it it like an addiction? And for me, I
had Texa Jenna and being like I feel so out
of control with ties sometimes that I feel in control
when I work out. So when when we were talking
about the addiction thing, I was like, okay, like like
she's running for the rain. But it's like sometimes because

(57:24):
I can think we're so good, but when we're not,
I'm so out of control and I'm a control freak,
and so when we're out of control, it's like if
it like so that was more okay, it could be
an addiction, but maybe for her it's like you need
to kind of decide, Okay, is it a control thing
or is this like an addiction thing? Because I feel
Jenna and I have had these conversations if we've been
addicted to other things and then it's like, oh no,

(57:46):
it's onto this or now it's onto this, and it's like, okay,
it could be I'm addicted to this and now I'm
not addicted to that anymore. Now it's working out, and
so I feel like it's always been working out. But
for me, it's more of a control I just and
I feel better. I just love to work out, But
this is a good one that I think. Sorry, Christie, UM,

(58:07):
just a lot of people with kids can probably relate to.
This is from Stephanie, and I think Jane and I
have kind of touched on this a little bit, just
in fear of when Jolie and Chase get older. But
she says, my daughter is almost twelve and went from
ninety eight pounds to approximately a hundred sixteen. She has
had a lot of changes during this time. Her dad
not split up and we moved. She used to play
soccer but now how but now has zero interest. She

(58:29):
loves cheeseburger's, pasta, soda and all the all that kind
of junk food. We went to buy a swimsuit over
the weekend and it was terrible. She's always one or
two pieces and when she tried one on, she hated herself.
How can I help her so that she feels better
about herself? I joined the y m c A for
both of us, but she but she really won't work out. Well,
how would you say she was twelve? That's really sad. Okay,
So I have a lot of thoughts on this question

(58:50):
because I do work with a lot of young kids
in my private practice. And I think the first thing
is to have an open dialogue about it. I think
with your kid is so important to talk about it.
What do you want instead of I'm going to join
us a Y M C A that you really don't
even want to do. So right then and there, I
was like, you need to have a conversation of what
would you like to do? What interests you to move

(59:10):
your body, because it's important to move your body. I
want her to feel good in her body and wear
a swimsuit and be able to go to the beach
and feel comfortable. So what does that look like? So again,
the first conversation I've always tell parents to do is
have a real heart to heart with your child about it,
which is, look, how do you complained about looking this
way in a swimsuit? You're not you have been eating

(59:31):
all of these things. Why don't we talk about what
you would want to do to be active? Do you
want to go ride your bike? Should we go down
to the beach and go for a walk to you
like hiking? Like, let's try different things together and explore
activity because the inactivity is such a problem for kids.
So it's the first establishing what could be something she
would enjoy doing. Can I ask a question. I feel

(59:53):
like today with so many helicopter parents and snowclad parents,
are all those kind of concepts of them just allowing
the ke it is to run the household almost and
dictate what they do, what they eat, and everything like that.
And you, I understand what you're saying. It's like, hey,
let's make this decision together. But say the child really
just says, I don't want to do anything. I don't
want to do this. Like at what point You're like, no,
I'm the adult, this is unhealthy. I'm your parents right there.

(01:00:17):
First of all, I don't want to see you upset. Okay,
So that's one thing. And sometimes I'll have the parents
direct them to the pediatrician because that power struggle can
be an issue. So the pediatrician says, here's where you
are on the growth curve. This is really you can develop,
you know, pre diabetes. These these types of things can
really be harmful for your health. Then it's not just

(01:00:39):
coming from the mom and having that struggle. You're actually
having an appointment with a doctor that says, look, you
are head in the wrong direction, and from a health standpoint,
this is where what I would you know suggest you're doing,
and sometimes that takes the edge off the mom um.
And then I would also say accountability for the parents,
like if you're just buying what a what they want

(01:01:00):
and chips and oh, she really loves ice cream. And
I do think it's important that the mom the parents
take the role of bringing healthy foods into the household.
I know with my kids, when they get home from
school and they're hungry, I'm not just throwing them chips
and all this other stuff. I'm like, Okay, let's have
So what's the balance for that? Because he's a he's
a major dunk food eater, and I can't have junk

(01:01:22):
food in the house because I will eat the entire
bag of whatever it is, Like I had to throw
away huge I'll wake up you are at three o'clock
in the morning. When I woke up this like the
other morning, there was an entire Oreo case empty, I
was like, yeah, it was like you ate the entire
bag of Oreos in one setting. Are you kidding me?

(01:01:47):
There's two nights it took me to eat it. I'm sorry,
is that any better? So? And I just like I
know that I can't have something in there. So my
girlfriend Julie, she kept their doing these little like peep
things in my bag and if I have those, like,
I will eat the entire thing, and so like it's
it's so, but he'll he'll bring home the gusters and

(01:02:07):
the you know, the doritos. And again, if I see
cheese dorritos, I will eat the entire bag in one sitting.
So I know that I can't have it in the house,
but he brings it home and I'm like, well, let
me do that one. But then like my daughter's eating
and I'm like, well this is now. Now we're creating
the environment of like not well, when I was pregnant,
I was craving them. So he brought him home a lot.

(01:02:28):
So I think it's very important, in my opinion that
you have that balance between the two. I think it
would be really strange if it's like they only ate
apples and carrots and peppers and and once in a
blue moon they got a chip or a parrot's bootie
or something. That would be again, it's going is healthy, Yes,

(01:02:48):
it's fine market, but the point is for them to
establish good, healthy eating habits right when they're young. That
is a huge thing for me. So when they are
hungry from school, that's when I can get in a
good amount of fruits and vegetables, and then they can
have their pirates booty or whatever it is that they want.
And then for dessert, if they want an oreo, it's

(01:03:10):
fine as well. You have to be able to have
conversations about that versus No, that's bad, that has sugar, No,
that has chemicals in it, that's you know, the worst
thing you can put in your body. That's not helping
the child. So it's really about educating them of like
eat your you know, growing foods first, or however you
want to say it. And then if you want to
have some ice cream after dinner, it's fine. I wrote

(01:03:35):
my doctor's dissertation on weight loss and eating stories. I
have an app called No More Diets. When I hear
a story like this, especially she mentioned in it that
her and her husband were having problems. This is a
child who's acting something out. This is about more than
this is a kid who's turning to food to soothe herself.
She may be being compulsive with food. She may be
using food to tune out, to not take in what's

(01:03:58):
going on in the household and to me, the bigger issue,
the more important issue, is the underlying anxiety. She's binding, sadness,
she's feeling, whatever it is that is driving this has
to be addressed. Because you can put all the healthy
food that you want in the house, and you can
encourage and you know, teach her about nutrition, which is
all valid and legit. But if she's depressed, if she's anxious,

(01:04:21):
if she is acting something out that's emotional, it's not
gonna matter because she can get to our friend's house
and she's gonna eat it there. She's gonna sneak it
at school, she's gonna act it out elsewhere, because it's
about the acting out and it's about the developing relationship
she's having the food and what she's using food for.
What was the question? Okay, so I'm gonna be completely
raw and honest. In middle school, in high school, I

(01:04:43):
have history of an eating disorder. I'm not I'm in recovery.
I haven't had it in quite a few years. But
I don't know if I'm projecting, but I a hundred
percent feel that my best friend has an eating disorder,
and I don't know how to approach it because I've
tried kinda hint at her, but at this point, I'm

(01:05:05):
lost and I'm worried. So what is your advice on
what to do with that? It's a great question, and
thank you for asking that question. I think there are
a lot of people who may suspect of friends or
family members who are struggling. So it's it's always a
hard thing of what to say, and I'm obviously going
to let John talk about this as well. So the
first thing that I would say is just letting her

(01:05:25):
know that you care and letting her know that you're
worried about her, just the two of you, obviously no
other friends around, and just make it like, hey, let's
go for a walk or let's go whatever, do something
just the two of us, and just look at her
and just be sincere and a good friend, and just
be like, I'm really worried about you. This is what
I've noticed, and I don't know how to help you,
but I'm really concerned, and I think you should talk

(01:05:47):
to somebody, um and I think you just Again, those
are those hard things because unless they want the help,
unless they see that they need the help, it's very difficult.
But then you kind of have to let it go.
It really hard as a friend to stand by and
watch somebody suffer, But at the same time, you can't
try to take them on because then you're just trying

(01:06:08):
to do something that's almost an impossible thing. So I
think if you just have that one on one conversation,
let her know that you're there and that you're worried
and that you're concerned, and that you really hope that
she gets some help um and that you'll be there
for her. I think is really I mean for me,
that's what I tell my clients or friends that I
have had this happen. But again, I think Dr Jen

(01:06:29):
coun probably, yeah, absolutely, with everything you said. And I
also think that one of the great gifts of you
being in recovery is that you can share that and
that when you're able to say, this is what I
went through and it was so painful and it was
so scary, and this is what I did to get well.
A lot of the time that experience clears the way

(01:06:49):
for someone to not feel judge, because it's one that's
one points that you and goes like you have an
eating disorder, you need help. It feels like an assault,
it feels it can feel judgmental, but you're able to
say I see this in you because I recognize it
from me, because I've been there and this is what
helped me. And you know, I really want to see
you get the help, and I'm here if you're even

(01:07:10):
if you're not ready now, I just want I want
us to have a conversation so that when you are ready,
you know I am here for you. I will help
you find a therapist. I will share the things that
have helped me recover. That. That's really a great gift
that you can give her. Oh, we got one more question.
We'll do one more question up front. Thank you for
your question. By the thank you for being vulnerable. We

(01:07:31):
really appreciate it. You have You and your partner are
both trying to stay healthy. You go to the gym,
and sometimes it will be me, sometimes it will be
him in the aspect that screwt I'm having a bag
of chips, or he'll be like, I'm not going to
the gym tonight. How do you maintain or how do
you keep up with your partner and saying like no,

(01:07:51):
come on, like how do you get encouraged and to
do it without being mean or trying to be the
boss of them. I guess there you go first. If
I personally love to work out with Mike, Um, I
think I do better when I work out with someone.
I'm always wanting to work out with Sarah, like I
just yeah all the time, like I'm always trying to
work out better. We tried the whole thirty I have.

(01:08:14):
I did wine thirty instead because I made it fifteen days,
and I was like, I'm thirty five years old. No
one can tell me that I can or cannot have
a glass of wine and justification. Yeah that's fine. But um,
I tried to drag you down with me, but you
you stayed real strong in your whole thirty approach. Um,
and then we both died a miserable death like day fifteen.
But um, I don't know. I mean for me, it's

(01:08:35):
like you have to just make it your own path,
your own journey. So I'm like when I asked him,
I'm like, all right, fine, you don't want to because
you're being lazy. Well I'm going to go out there
because this is what's good for me. And I know
that when I work out, I do feel better. But
I do, like I love like being around him and
working out with him. So yeah, she tries, she's tried
for a long time to drag me out there with her,
and uh, this is my own issue, but I don't

(01:08:57):
like being told what to do. And it's an invitation.
It's not like I'm telling you to do this like
you're working out I know, but it's like, because it
was her idea, I don't want to. But if it
was my idea, I'll be all for it. So that's
my own issue. Um, but you know, Janna didn't let
that drag her down. She's just like, all right, this
is something for me. This is what I want to do.
Guess I'll look to do it with you, but I'm

(01:09:18):
going to do it anyway. Tori, Chrissy, do you have
anything to that before we move on to Actually, I
love what you just said about your own path and
your own journey. Sometimes you just have to do your
own thing. And if he decides that he just wants
to sit home and eat a bag of chips, You're like, okay, cool,
I'm going to feel better when I get home and
you're gonna not probably feel so great. So I think
I think shaming him probably probably we can think that. No, not, no,

(01:09:43):
not shaming. We can think that physically, like, but I
do think that the self care or aspect of it
that like whether he goes or not, that you guys
are not one unit. Yes, it's wonderful when couples can
inspire each other, when they can say like, hey, going,
oh great, you know, I hadn't thought I'll go with you.
But I think it's also important that your health and

(01:10:05):
well being in self care is not dependent on his,
and that sometimes in a relationship sometimes we have to
be the leader in the relationship. Sometimes we're lucky in
our partner will do it, but sometimes we have to
be the leader. And I think it's really important that
when you make a decision you're going to the gym,
whether he goes or not, you go to the gym,
You take care of you, and then what he decides

(01:10:27):
to do, that's on him. Tori. So I just had
her own question for like kid wise, Like so meema
husband have both agreed on when we have our daughter
that she's not gonna have like dairy or anything like
that because we don't eat that stuff. So when we
told our my, my mom is a vegan, so I'm
not worried about her but his parents they are like, all,

(01:10:47):
we'll feed her whatever we want to feed her when
she's here, because I said, I'll pack her a lunch
when she comes to your house. Can you please feed
her this? Because that's how we are. And then so
how do you go about because I'm like, if you're
not going to give her what I want that, I'm
just not going to bring her over here because I
feel like I can't trust them. How do you go
about like doing that because they don't they think how
we eat is like I'm like crazy, like because vegan,

(01:11:09):
Like you're crazy, Like you're weird, you are and you
can speak vegan. And I have two daughters who are
a vegan, And you know, for me, it's it's an
ethical decision in terms of my beliefs about it. For me,
it's like a religion. And if my parents wouldn't support that,

(01:11:29):
I would have a real hard time sending my kids
over there, not just because of the um the food
that's being but also philosophically that they aren't showing you
the respect as a parent of saying, you know, we
don't agree with you, we really think you should feed
the meat. But if this is what you want Okay,
we'll do it's your husband. Has your husband talked to

(01:11:52):
his parents about this? Yeah, and I have to. I'm
just like because I would say like, oh, when she
comes over, like I'll pack a lunch, and they kind
of just shrug it off, like oh, well, maybe she'll
eat something from that, and it's like or if I
get the lunch back and it's like still full, then
I'm like her and it's like mine like like like
I said, like ruthless. I mean, here's the question though,

(01:12:15):
But what if I said to you, I'm like, I mean,
I'm not. I mean, I eat meat, I eat dairy
and stuff. But what if I was like, hey, you
know what, I now think it's bad to kill cows,
so we're not we're gonna be vegetarians, So what are
you imagining? Murdering that the same a burger I had
about an hour ago? But I mean, would you if

(01:12:35):
I said, like, we're not feeding Jolie meat anymore? Like,
how would you be with that conversation? Like would you
would you respect my my thoughts and opinions on that
or would you see them? That's the things because we're
we already started reading our kids this way. You can't
all of a sudden, see you started from ground up.
Well she's not here yet. I'm here yet. Oh yeah,

(01:12:57):
agreed on that. Yeah, he's like, hey, I want to
do it. But that's the issue. I would hope you
wouldn't come to and be like, I've decided we're not
eying meat in this house anymore. But what you would
do is I read this really interesting article. It got
me thinking, I wonder if we're doing harm to our
health here here's what I read. What do you think
about this? It should always be a collaborative conversation, not

(01:13:17):
like I've decided this is what we're doing. Whatever I want.
He kind of just like yo, like, yeah, well, speaking
of meat and fish, Thrive Market now offers fresh meat
and fresh seat foods. So if you change your mind,
let me just tell you so. Early we were talking

(01:13:39):
about Thrive Market, a revolutionary online marketplace on a mission
to make healthy living easy and affordable for everyone. And
like we said, you can get everything you need, snacks,
cleaning products, bottom and supplements, personal care products, everything you need.
And now, like Jenna said, fresh meat and seafood. Um,
they're the highest quality meats. Is this really interesting? You? Right?
Now the highest quality meats at the most affordable price.

(01:14:00):
Says the beef is a grass fed, free range and
antibotic free um. The chicken is certified free range, certified
free range in organic from small family farms. Um the seafood,
I will say, we get the salmon and it is
absolute delicious, so more than the Thrive Market catalog cannot
be found on Amazon. So there you go. They're the

(01:14:20):
largest retailer retailer their Thrive Market right there. They're like, yeah,
but they are the largest retailer in the country that
sells exclusively non GMO groceries. All right, we'll just keep
in mind Thrive Market sprices are already fifty off as
I said earlier, and now they're giving you an extra
off your first order in a thirty day trial. And
of course go to thrive market dot com slash Channa,

(01:14:44):
slash Janna for your extra off in thirty day trial.
Maybe one of these days we're gonna thrive market dot
com slash Mike, No, no, nope, just slash Janna. We
also want to shout out our friends at a dunk
condoneuts because wind down runs on Duncan you know you
don't have to go to the East Coast anymore. If
you've got that craven for Duncan. Uh. They've got over

(01:15:05):
fifty locations in the Greater Los Angeles area, as far
south as San Clemente and as far north as Santa
Clarita Altar. There's a great one near you. I know,
there's one just down the street from me in a
in Pasadena, California. And there's one in out Water that
I that I hit up fairly often. Duncan just open
a brand new location in Woodland Hills on the corner
of Ventura into Panga Canyon. Duncan specializes in delicious, fresh

(01:15:28):
brewed coffee and espresso beverages. It's currently featuring a new
Peep's Marshmallow Flavors Swirl, just in time for Easter. It
can be added to any coffee or espresso drink. So
no longer do you have to take your peeps and
put them in your coffee like I've been doing for years.
Duncan will do it for you. Uh. It's delicious, it's
super good. Uh, it's all in the Peep's Fund. Doesn't

(01:15:48):
stop there. Duncan is also featuring a Peep's Doughnut topped
with its iconic yellow chick. How cute is that just
the Easter Bunny is gonna be eating a lot of
those in a couple of weeks. Here guests can enjoy
any medium sized Duncan cold brew for only two dollars
from two to six pm during the month of April.
So that's just for the month of April. But you
get any medium sized Duncan cold brew for only two dollars.

(01:16:11):
That's from two to six pm. Wind Down runs on Duncan.
There's a Duncan near you, over fifty locations in the
Greater l A area, So check them out. And we
gotta we gotta shout out Shake Shack really quick. You know,
we're talking about Duncan Donuts being one of the great
treats from back East. It's made its way out here.
Shake Shack also falls into that category. Uh. They they

(01:16:34):
have made the big move out west and they have
expanded their empire and they are all over the southern
California area. Now. It's a modern, dary roadside burger known
for its all natural Angus beef burgers, chicken sandwiches, and
flat top vienna beef dogs. Spun fresh frozen custard, crinkle
cup fries, craft beer, wine, and more. With its fresh, simple,

(01:16:56):
high quality food at a great value, shake check is
a fun and lively community bathering place with a little
something for everyone. I I love shake Checks so much.
I've gone on record saying I think it's the best
burger you can get out there. It's so they're so good,
I'll I will do a double Shack burger and then
a single Shack burger all at the same time. And
my my wife, Allison doesn't eat chicken, eat gluten, but

(01:17:19):
she loves shake Shack too because they do an incredible
gluten free bun. So shake Shack is a is a big,
very popular place in the in our household. Uh And
they just launched this new menu item. I've actually had
this a bunch too. It's a chicken bites. There's no
e in there. It's chick apostrophe and bites. It's made
with all natural chicken breasts containing no hormones and no antibiotics.

(01:17:40):
It's made fresh to order, never frozen. The chicken bites
are prepared with a suvied cooking method so they're extra
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you sure really should. It's kind of it's a crazy
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gives you this, uh, this really fresh taste that you
that you can't get if you're just frying it. And
it's a lot better for you too. Those chicken by
available in either six piece or ten piece and comes

(01:18:01):
with your choice of sauce, barbecue, or honey mustard. I
like to make them together. It's really really good. Head
to one of shake shacks eight locations throughout Greater l
A to give him a try. Locations include West Hollywood, Hollywood, Glendale,
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download the shake Shack app to get more information and

(01:18:24):
find the one nearest to you. Um, you guys, please
give it up for Alan. Hi. I've been sitting Hey Alan.
Um do you guys obviously know Alan? He's you know,

(01:18:45):
the star of Dancing with the Stars. Um, and I
had the pleasure of dancing with you a couple of
times when Mr gleb was sick and had his knee issues. Um,
so do you do you have any takeaways from the
conversations today, because yeah, actually I was sitting there and
I was thinking, a lot of this is extremely, very impactful, impactful. Yeah,

(01:19:08):
but I can't talk because I don't have a kid.
But a lot of the stuff about eating disorders is
especially in l A. When someone is in shape and
they post a picture online and everyone compliments them and
they say, wow, you look so good, you look so
much better. That's going to encourage people to keep working out.
And like they said earlier, sorry I don't know the

(01:19:29):
names yet, but like they said earlier, if you're working
out and you're you're not stopping until you feel that
really good sweat. That's because other people are like encouraging
you to feel that. And I personally think it's a
psychological thing because you're trying to make yourself look better
for someone else. So when you were dating the Instagram model,
sorry you know, I had to go there, But did

(01:19:52):
you see that we're you know, because she posted a
lot of like half naked. How was that, by the way, like,
as like her boyfriend at the time, was that How
did you feel about was that just because it was
like her image and that was fine or so I
was with Alexis Frind. For those of you who don't know, Um,
I'll show your last partner, my last partner on Dancing
on the Star. She is a beautiful person in and out. Um,

(01:20:13):
but that didn't end up so well. So for not
dating anymore, for everyone asking, um, but you know we
met on the show I and that's her whole career.
You know she is a social media influencer. How could
I tell her whether she should post something or not?
You know that's not my duty as a boyfriend. Um.

(01:20:37):
I personally am a super private person, So I don't
like that. You know, I post some shirtless selfie is
here and there? Who doesn't I'm stopping? But you know
how who am I to tell someone not to post that?
And so I'm sure she feels really good when she
gets this awesome positive feedback from people, from millions of people,

(01:21:01):
as do I. But is that this is that healthy
to get that reinforcement from people? Well? I will say this,
do you get upset when when you post something on
Instagram and you don't get as many likes? So is
that like an adorphin hit? Because sometimes you know that's
something where the media is a drug. For sure. Yeah,
where it's like, oh god, I didn't get that much

(01:21:23):
on that one. Let me post this photo because I
know this one will probably get a lot abrlutely. Yeah.
I I mean, I personally think social media. I use it.
I wake up in the morning, the first thing I
do is check my Instagram and then I go back
to sleep. So if any of you guys want to
date him, you can just you know, the first thing
we got a hand back there. What's them is that
to date me? Or a question? He is here for

(01:21:43):
the sex talk, let's go. I was a little uncomfortable
with that. Now I'm open to it. Okay. So first, Janna,
can you please come back to Seattle at some point
because you'ven been there in a long time. Yes, please,
before we love to Nashville. Please. Second, I've been getting
a lot of grief from my family about my appearance,
whether you're too big, you're too small, and I was

(01:22:05):
kind of wondering how any of you guys handle any
kind of criticism just about how you look, because it's
really hard and I feel like that's kind of the
biggest blocker and getting me healthy is just all the
constant criticism because whenever I feel healthy, then my grandma
is like, you haven't lost enough weight yet. My mom
is like this, or my family and so it's just
like and it's on every spectrum, whether you're too skinny

(01:22:26):
or too fat, whatever, And so I'm just wondering, like
how you deal with the criticism, because I think that's
my biggest problem. And also, please come to Seattle. I
want to talk first. Please. I think, honestly, it doesn't
matter what you look like, how much you weight. It's
about how you feel. And I think that's one of
the best parts about working out and and getting that
physical activity is feeling good afterwards. You know, just because

(01:22:49):
you work out every day doesn't mean you're healthy. You know,
you can be malnourished or under you know, under the
correct body weight, under the percentage of fat, which is
not good, it's unhealthy. So I think it's all about
how you feel. And when most people work out, I
think the whole concept of working out is creating a
routine that is balanced in a good life, like where

(01:23:10):
you eat healthy, you do enough physical activity where your
body is balanced, and that you feel good. I personally,
I don't know if when someone tells me that oh
you look Like for example, when I go back home
and my mom's like, oh, you look healthy, I immediately go, wow,
I must have put on some weight. Yeah, I don't know,
that's just some mental that make you feel though. It

(01:23:31):
makes me feel like I have to go running, like honestly,
I mean, but I feel like that's the society we
live in here, where everyone will tell you something and
you feel like you have to fix it, even though
in my mind I'm not, Like, maybe I'm just not
confident enough in myself to know that, oh I am healthy.
Maybe I need that person's reassurance. And that's why, you know, Mike,

(01:23:55):
I think you can attest to that well because like
in it sense, like even like our friend Nick was like,
you know, look at you like you don't you're not
working out much or you're so skinnyca when when I
have the same problem, it's totally the orios no one.

(01:24:15):
When I first met all of our friends in Nashville,
I was thirty pounds heavier because I was just getting
out of the NFL. And so I mean that's one
of those things like Alan was talking about, it's just
a societal thing where I mean, even when I was
in the NFL my time, they're you know, professional athletes
who you think will have nothing but confidence about their body.
A lot of guys would have, you know, diet restrictions
in their contract, where me had a hard time keeping

(01:24:38):
on weight, and if I got under a certain amount
of weight, it was a fine for every single pound,
every single pound, it was over three thousand dollars. And
so a lot of times had that. Yeah, yeah, I
had to stay in a range, like an eight pound
range or you'd have to pay. Oh yeah, yeah it's fine.
That's true. Yeah, that is true. Yeah, that's true. So

(01:24:58):
I mean there's a lot of guys that's actually the
lineman and stuff like that. That's your candy crush life
right there. Good thing I didn't get fine, I say,
within my range, so I can use that money on
candy crush. More justifications. Okay, Um, but no, that just
that just goes to show like no matter what profession,
no matter who you are, but the important thing is

(01:25:20):
as long as you're happy with yourself. But unfortunately, even
in professional athletics, you're treated like a piece of meat
and just a number. So you know, they don't really
give about you. Okay, So I have a lot to
say about this. I'm sure you do too. UM. So
that's why I dislike Instagram so much and um social

(01:25:41):
media for for that particular reason. I think when when
people come to see me and they are so unhappy
with how they look and they feel like they have
to look a certain way to be accepted and all
of those kinds of things, I'm like, what are you
comparing yourself to? And a lot of them will say
I follow this person, this person this for so, and
I always feel inadequate. I always feel bad about myself.

(01:26:02):
I feel like I'm not My plates don't look as pretty,
I'm not eating all of these incredible colors. And that's
why I'm not. I mean, I post pictures of my
kids sometimes, but I'm not. I just it really bothers me,
the whole Instagram thinks sometimes. I just I feel like it.
It really does make you feel bad about yourself sometimes.
So I would say, first, take a step back and

(01:26:24):
analyze yourself. Are you happy with how you're living your life?
Do you feel like you are comfortable? Then you kind
of have to go And I know it's hard to do,
and you have to build up a little bit of
a wall and thick skin and be like whatever my
grandma says, whatever my mom says, whatever people think. Who
gives a crap, Like, I need to be happy with
myself at the end of the day, that's who you're

(01:26:45):
living with. So if you're comfortable with you, be you
and what they say, you literally just have to, like somehow,
some way just to have it roll off of you
and not take it in and not take it like that.
So that would be my first thing. And then if
anything is making you feel insecure, you have to be
able to take that away, take that off of you, know,

(01:27:07):
of your life, because it's not good to wake up
in the every morning and scroll through your Instagram be like,
oh my god, she's posted a bikini picture. Oh my god,
her plates look like this, and I just had whatever
for dinner last night. Then you feel like, oh my god,
I'm not having these beautiful plates. If it's just comparing
their lives to everything, I mean, do you compare your
body to Artem and everyone else? Is like when you
take like their shirts off, you like Artem has like

(01:27:30):
twelve abs and I've got like sex absolutely, but that's photoshop.
I completely agree because I feel like, right now social
media is just used to compare, and that's what everyone's
using it for, as opposed to what I think it
was originally meant to be, was to be able to
reach out to people and create new connections or rekindle

(01:27:51):
old connections. Is becoming a comparative tool, which is horrible. Okay,
when's it going to stop? Because I feel like everybody
knows that, Like everyone's is that when we talk about it.
But when is it going to stop? What's gonna stop?
What you mean? They're comparing in the social We always,
especially women, were always going to compare. That's that's the
problem with us women, Like I feel like you guys

(01:28:11):
don't compare? Do you guys compare? Like women are all
I feel like that that we're always going to compare.
And I don't know if you can speak on that, doctor,
because it's like as much as I try not to,
I've had to unfollow people on Instagram because I was
comparing so much that it was destroying my day. And
I'm like, why am I letting this like put so
much power on me? What do you want him to say? Like,
what would you want like to hear? Like do you

(01:28:31):
want to hear like you just you look beautiful, Like
what is it like? I have a little bit of
a controlling family. Based off of your Guys podcast last week,
actually you guys are talking about what you guys will
do when your kids are older and how like yore
kind of baby jays more your baby don't a more
my grandparents. I found my father when I was twenty
years old, and my grandparents went behind my back and
told him he had a daughter before I was ready.

(01:28:54):
I didn't want him to know I had found him.
I wasn't ready. And so they're very involved and it's
the constant criticism, and I think that was actually my
trigger was that moment when I was twenty and so
then now they've kind of been like, hey, we're going
to keep like judging you and critiquing you, and so
I just kind of want to be left alone. But
I want a good relationship. Yeah that's not okay. I

(01:29:18):
mean if you can have that conversation with them, I mean,
because you don't want to avoid your grandparents who you know,
so that might just have to be a conversation of like, look,
I love you and I want to be around you
and spend time with you. It's just like you said,
it's just not okay to make those comments. So I
appreciate just not saying anything at all and just being
able to say that. I think is important and it
empowers you to to be like, look like that's not

(01:29:40):
okay and acknowledge the fact that that's their issues, not yours.
And we teach people how to treat us, and they've
been treating you a certain way for your whole life,
and that's the way they're used to operating in the world.
They don't know any better. It may not even be malicious,
it's just what they're used to do. And you have
to teach them how to treat you and to say,

(01:30:01):
if you talk to me that way, I'm gonna leave
dinner and go home. And there have to be a
consequence so that they know you really mean this. Yeah,
thank you for your question. But you are beautiful though,
so just know that, um Alan, you're on tour right now, Yes,

(01:30:21):
you were on where the tour just ended, Well, it
was just a dancing with the Stars tour. Now me
Goo and Artem created our own little what's that called dancing?
Dave dancing, and how can people so they can actually
dance with you. Okay, Sarah, get up here right now.
Come on, Sarah, get up here right now, because I
want to see so like to explain to me what
day of dancing is and they can actually dance because

(01:30:43):
I want to see what you'll do. I need to see.
Come on, all so take take the mic, take the
micro here. Don't know what the so so describe like
what you do on the tour with Artam and Glenn. Well, first,
we have a cool little experience where do a meeting greed,
We do a Q and A and we have three words.
They get to feel the abs, Sarah, you can feel

(01:31:05):
the abs. No. Um, but it's it's it's a really
cool experience where we get to hang out with the fans.
And you know, a lot of the people on tour
they're like, oh, we wish we could do like a
dancing with the fans or something because everyone thinks their celebrity.
But but this is a cool way to actually dance

(01:31:29):
with everyone. And yes, she has now we can dance together.
Zero You got okay? But so so when do people
come are they are they beginners? Are they where can
they can sign up? Damn dancing dot com. Yeah, but
watch this we're gonna do a little salsa right now.

(01:31:50):
You're gonna go left foot forward. Wait, I had to
get my Instagram read because it's all about Instagram. Do
it together. You can go right, you're gonna go foot back,
You're gonna go I'll show you one, two, three, and
then you're gonna go left foot forward one to three
one to look at there we go. I have never

(01:32:13):
met Sarah before. Can you get a little closer? How
can you see a little problems? Can I see a
little something? I mean a little bit more? Yeah, once more?
What we'll do? Want like dancing with the stars, like

(01:32:35):
shower action. Let's see it. Come on, can't they're dancing,
they're dancing, They're they're touching, their hands, are touch shaking
your dance right now? So just like you can be
just like Sarah. Trust me. If Sarah can do it,

(01:32:57):
anyone can do it. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm great. Oh,
I'm great. It's easy. Anyone can do it. Let's let's
get down to why we really all came here. You
really play some music? Little? Did you guys know the

(01:33:18):
last year I's guitar player. No, I'm just kidding. Jeff
following um wait for time out though really fast? Can
you guys please give a round of a pause to
Christie Dr jen Man Alan by Amy producer, We got tour,
beall here with the Mike Drive market for hosting such

(01:33:39):
an incredible event tonight bananas all you guys coming out
and thank you guys so much. This is the first time.
This is kind of like our draw round before the
podcast tour, and you guys have made it amazing, have
validated us that fact that you guys are all here,
So thank you for that. Nor is she's um no, seriously,
thank you and I love you Bed not pushed anyway. Right,

(01:34:02):
all right, this is my new single, Beautiful Eyes, surrounded
by pieces of vows that were broke. Yeah, leaving miss speechless.

(01:34:27):
It's black God don't know you everything we built his
falling down. Tell me I'm making this up the same flooring.
Take me back to now I could feel I got

(01:34:52):
was in love when love was just blind. I'm not
ready for true to see the line. Make it up,
making pretty out of mind? Tell me beautiful life. How

(01:35:19):
did this happen? I thought we were per I never
I imagine him feel it so world. I know why

(01:35:39):
I need to face it, but I can't right now.
Tell me I'm making this up, that this ain't for me.
Take me back to the night I could feel like
I was enough when love was just blind. I'm not

(01:36:04):
ready for the truth to see it lie, make it up,
make it pretty out of my Tell me beautiful, Oh yeah,
go on and tell me those beautiful Tell me I'm

(01:36:33):
making this up. That's the sapori. Take me back to
the night I could feel I was enough when love
was just blind. I'm not ready for the truth to
see the lie. Make it up, make it pretty out

(01:36:58):
of mind, dream it up, make it read one more time.
Tell me beautiful, Oh yeah, Please tell me those beautiful eyes.

(01:37:20):
Please tell me those beautiful h

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