May 23, 2024 • 21 mins
Allan is back with Jana and ready to confirm some dating tips that can help you find the right guy! Jana, Kristen and Allan are hanging out with Thalia Ouimet, founder of a high end matchmaking agency called “We Met Through Thalia”.
Jana opens up about how Allan REALLY reacted when she was trying to be sexy on Instagram.
And, we find out what happened when Jana’s ex asked her to help with his dating profile!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
All Right, So this week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Talia
we Met. She's the founder of We Met through Thalia
at High End, a matchmaking agency base out of New
York City in Miami. So she has a book out
called how to Attract the Right Guy, Avoid situations, step
into wifey energy, and get him to commit. So we
don't she's not on yet, but you don't ever do this,
(00:30):
but because usually we just go straight into it on
Therapy Thursday. But I've got obviously Kristen and Alan today.
So while we were waiting on her, I love this
book for a couple of reasons. But I also remember
when I got divorced, someone gave me the book Why
Men Love Bitches.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I've not heard that that's an actual title. That's incredible. No, no,
I'm sure it is never heard. I'm pretty sure it is.
That's incredible.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
And it was something where I'm like, okay, because I
feel like when you're dating, you know, there's all these
things like all right, step into wife the energy, you know,
get him to commit. But and I think back on
that book now and i'm reading it, I'm like, well,
I don't want to do that because that's not me.
And so then with this situation too, like I'm really
excited to talk to her because I feel like when
(01:16):
it's the right person, he's going to commit. So like Alan,
it's like if I was to play the quote unquote
games or you know, not return the cat, Well I
didn't for a minute, but not because I was trying
to play a game. I just I wonder do you
guys even like that, like just be you because right
because you're gonna you're gonna commit to the right person.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:36):
I think it's all about the timeframe as well. What
period of dating are you in if you just split
up with someone and you just want to have fun,
So therefore you can be whatever you can put on
whatever persona you want because it doesn't matter. You're not
looking for your husband at that point. And I guess
one of my questions is based around this, like when
does it become a point where is dating It's almost
(01:59):
like you need to a strategy, you know, but dating,
and that shouldn't be the case. So based on the
timeline that you're in and what you want to achieve,
when is it the right time to be yourself and
if you want to be a wife, then give off
those vibes. But that's not always the right thing at
the right time.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I'm going to sound a little ruthless, but I guess
for me, like it's a very cut and dry policy,
like I'm either dating to marry you or I'm not
dating at all. Like I've never been like a I
don't even want a second date with someone who's not
interesting to me in that way. I get that, like
I'm pretty all in, which we've seen from track record,
(02:37):
But you know, like I'm like, it shouldn't be a strategy,
which I hate and I agree with Alan because it
is so strategic and where do you even find real
people anymore?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Well, she just got on, so let's get her on
and then we'll dive right into it.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Hello, how are you.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I'm Janna Alan Kristen. Well, we just started chatting before
you came on out your new book that's out How
to Attract the Right Guy. And Allan even an interesting
point because I was saying, basically, I've read you know
the Why Men Love Bitches and and you Know things
to do for dating. But when I was reading those books,
(03:15):
I'm like, well, I don't want to play quote unquote games.
It's not saying they're games, but I just want to
be me. And and then I was asking him, like,
as a guy, you know, do you like that? And
you basically said it was about the timing, right.
Speaker 5 (03:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:29):
You get people who date for very short periods of
time or on their own matchmaking sights, and then you
get people who you see them or you speak to them,
they've been they've been dating people for years and they've
been on dating apps for years. As a as a woman,
when does it become a point where you end up
(03:49):
just settling for someone that the best person of an
average bunch, or debate is it actually true love? And
when I think there's like a cloudy the area there,
will they date so much that they almost settle for
the person who is just the best of that bunch
and not the actual true love?
Speaker 5 (04:10):
Do you find that a lot?
Speaker 3 (04:11):
So as a matchmaker and as a dating coach, I
advise against that, you know, and I talk about this
in my book about being really clear about what you're
looking for, because when you're trying to find someone without
their description, that's like trying to find a missing person
without the description. So it's almost impossible. So what I
recommend in chapter three is to make a list of
(04:32):
the things that you're really looking for in a person,
so that when he does show up in your life,
you can easily identify and say this is my guy,
like this is the one who I want to start
a family with, I want to settle down with.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Do you feel like love at first sight is a
true or false?
Speaker 3 (04:48):
I think that there's lust at first sight. I think
that physical attraction. Yeah, I think there's absolutely lest at
first sight. Yes, I don't think there's love at first
sight because how can you try really love someone without
knowing who they are? But I do believe in lust
at first site for sure.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Does that translate to love at first site eventually for you?
Or do you think let's get all of that out
of the way first before it becomes something more.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
I think, going back to what I was saying, I
think that there's no such thing as love at first
sight because I think if you really define love, that's
knowing someone's flaws. How can you love someone's flaws and
who they really are and everything they embody if you
don't actually know them.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
So do you think the chemistry that you have with them, though,
can lead or be like a signal or symptom to
love eventually, Like in the ratio of people that have
had love lust at first sight, do they transfer over
to like marriage or do you think that's just like
crazy hormonal like primal attraction.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
I would say it's probably pheromones and just physical attraction
doing its same.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Honey, what do you think it was? Because you always
say I'm staring it up because you always say it was.
I sure because we both say, you know it was
that love it quote unquote love at first. I knew
from the moment that I met you saw you.
Speaker 5 (06:08):
Yeah, but we had also spoken for a few weeks.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Sure, sure, sure, sure, So we.
Speaker 4 (06:14):
Got to know each other, not physically face to face,
but we got to know each other on face thing.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
So, Alan, what would you say in you know, when
it comes to attracting the right guy and the things
that women do like so stepping into the energy, what
do you think is one of the biggest turnoffs that
you see from dating? And then I'm curious to them
to throw it back at you tell you who you
know when you're writing this, like where do you think
the women fall fall short with that, so like, what's
(06:42):
the guy's perspective and then this, yeah, experts for experts.
Speaker 5 (06:47):
Well that's I think that's an individual thing, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Well, what don't you like when you were dating girls?
Like what was what was too much? I guess, or
what was a turnoff? Instantly?
Speaker 5 (07:01):
Masculine women for me is a is a big thumb off?
Speaker 3 (07:05):
Oh I love that. Yeah, yeah, that's my chapter two.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
So can you explain that just a little because I
remember when you did help me. You you that was
the first time I ever heard that was from you
when we first started dating.
Speaker 5 (07:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
I think you find out as you get older and
as you're mature what type of women you're actually not
just attracted to, but connect with. And I don't connect
with masculine women. I'm quite a masculine guy, so therefore
I connect more with feminine women. So offtter feminine women.
So a masculine women for me on a first date,
(07:41):
who is overpowering or what?
Speaker 5 (07:43):
That's just not for me.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
So you're not talking like muscles, You're talking like energy. Yeah,
what would you say?
Speaker 3 (07:52):
For sure? I agree with him one hundred percent. Feminine
femininity is what makes women so powerful and so magical
and magnetic. And in chapter two I talk about the
feminine energy and how if you can hone in on
that and you can turn off your boss babe, you know,
while you're on a date with someone, how that will
(08:12):
lead to way more attraction for the guy, because guys
are attracted to feminine energy.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
So I get that.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
I also think though, too, just to like defend my
masculine girls out there, because I think I've played in
both arenas where my masculine energy comes out when I'm
feeling like I either have to put on a front
or defend or to like when I'm trying so hard.
Is when it would really come out for me, was
when I was like really really trying hard as opposed
(08:41):
to just stepping into who I was.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
I would agree with that though, and I would also
say I think you and I are wired similarly, like
we will be severely independent to the point like we're
not we don't need you. But then I think the
right person for both of us has been able to
take that and demolish it pretty quickly.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Oh yeah, because I think I did that with you too,
Like I at first I think I had a big
old shield up, but then your energy then just brings
me down to who I'm supposed to, my authentic femininity.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Feminine energy is about receiving, because what we forget is
when guys are in their masculine, they want to provide
and protect and they want to give us something, whether
that's carrying, you know, carrying our bags into the house
or you know, whatever that is. And so I think
it's all about remembering too. It's okay to receive, and
it's okay for a guy to step into his masculine
(09:32):
and for you to be the receiver.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
When you met your person? Did was it tricky to
know what you know? Because you have a very you're
very educated in this matchmaking world. So is it hard
to take off almost your business hat essentially when you
start dating someone? Now, now what you know to like
not overanalyze.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
I was going to say, no, I think I I
think if any of my friends were here, I think
they would chime in and say, she actually follows her
own rules. And so I'm not typically the one going
through like a crazy heartbreak where someone love bomby because
I'm really good identifying things and I also know what
I know myself, and I write that in the book too,
Like chapter one's about looking within and understanding who you
(10:27):
are so that you know what's the best match for you.
Because if you don't know who you are and you
don't know what's a good fit, that's going to be
really hard to find that right person.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
What's the wife the energy?
Speaker 1 (10:39):
What do you think that energy is?
Speaker 3 (10:41):
It's the feminine energy. It's about like, it's about receiving.
It's about being in your feminine It's about you know,
showing up in a way that's also like I'm open,
I'm available, you know, when you're out, and about if
you're trying to meet someone organically, it's about showing up
with that openness, because I do think that sometimes my
girlfriends are single and they're out and I'm like, girl,
(11:03):
you don't look approachable right now, Like you look pissed,
you know, and we need we need you to be
in that like happy, like vibrant energy to attract that
right guy who's going to like spot you or see you.
And so why the energy is a lot of things
you have to read the book, but I think the
biggest one I want to say is you have to
be in that open, receiving moade.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
If you find yourself accidentally love bumbed, say someone that's listening,
it's been accidentally love bumbed, because I think it still
gets the best of us. Right, even if you're like
well educated, know yourself, you're like, oh, oh, that's exciting.
Now what is this like that's not the guy for you?
Or is there like a series of questions?
Speaker 3 (11:41):
I would say the first thing is if someone you're
only seeing them for the first time on a first
date or second day at third date, and they're telling
you how much they like you and how they can't
wait for you to meet their family and all this stuff.
It's like, how do you know you like me? You
don't even know me? You know, that's love bomby. It's
it's not it's not genuine, and it doesn't come from
a good place. It's like they have another hidden aginda
(12:03):
that you don't know about.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Yeah, that actually made my throat close when you said it.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
So so and I'm like, well you feah the person,
it's all good, it's happy.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
I don't know. I remember in college I dated this
gentleman briefly and super super sweet, but it was like
date too and I came out This still gives me
a vibe and I think he meant well, I hope,
and I hope he's not behind bar somewhere, but he
I came out to my vehicle to like leave for
my serving shift, you know, four thirty PM, real motivated, right,
(12:33):
And I come out and there's like this. Not only
is there a love letter and a rose, but it's
put inside one of those plastic protectors so in case
it rained, his words wouldn't be smudged. And I thought,
I can't breathe. I can't breathe in how do I say?
I'm having an EpiPen like needed reaction right now even
telling the story. But I just remember being like, this
is too much, too soon. Obviously we were young, but
(12:53):
I have heard girlfriends like older, you know girlfriends we
have now that go on dates and they're like, yeah,
that just escalated really quickly, and it just really throws
off my energy. It makes me feel like a little unsafe.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
I love how you bring up energy because I always
say your nervous system will always guide you in the
right direction. So if you tap, if you know yourself
and you're tapping in after a date and you're like,
how do I feel how this person make me feel
if you feel like your nervous system shutting down, you
kind of like when you said your throat closed up.
That is such a telltale sign that the universe, god,
(13:27):
whatever you pray to, is trying to warn you that
this isn't it sounds great on the outside. I even
tell one of my personal stories I think in chapter
three about someone trying to love on me and say
all the right things, but like my nervous system was
trying to communicate, And that's such an important thing to
listen to because your body will never steer you the
wrong way.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Ever, how did you meet the person that you are
in a relationship with now?
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Oh? Just through friend introduction. I had someone play match
to make your on me.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
So I love that too, and I sometimes feel overwhelmed
for like the women now that are dating and men
I suppose, but that have to do everything like through apps.
It just feels so tricky to me. Do you have
any advice for people navigating apps and swiping left right?
Speaker 3 (14:12):
I do, so I think that the obvious thing that
comes to my mind is tell all of your friends
that are taken to think of you just be like, hey,
if you meet a guy who's x y Z think
of me, especially for in a room at like a house,
swimming party or a barbecue and you see someone who
single and seems really great, think of me in that moment.
I think sometimes the take and married friends forget about
(14:33):
the single friends. But at the end of the day,
like those single friends are really relying on them to
make introductions that are more insightful because dating apps are
a lot harder because you don't have anyone who's pre
vetted that person. There's no vouching. You're kind of just
hoping for the best.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Yeah, I mean, I'm so glad to be off the
dating apps.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Me too, I'm glad you're off the dating we were.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
I was looking at old photos and it was when
I was divorced, and I was like, oh my gosh, babe.
I was like these photos of me, what did you say?
Speaker 5 (15:09):
I was starving?
Speaker 2 (15:10):
I was starving. He goes, he goes, did you actually
post this photo? And it was me and like a
bikini top in the pool with like my hands up
and I'm like, this is I'm cringing at myself from
I was. He's like he's like, He's like, wow, bab
And I was like and then the filters, the amount
of filters I was putting on my face and just
like the sexy like trying to show my boobs and
(15:33):
just I mean, I was really putting it out there
in a very as a one would say, hungry, thirsty way.
But it's hard, you know, and I just I don't know.
But it was funny because we were at baseball and
I started laughing about it because my ex was there
and we were talking about dating apps, and I was
just like, Oh, it's got to be it's got to
be rough out there, you know. And he's like, when
(15:53):
I get back on, he's like, maybe you can help
me with profile pics. I'm like, dear lord, what is
this world coming to. I'm gonna my ex husband with
this profile photost.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I don't have much to say in the pre vetting
section of referencing prevetting, No.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
But I was like, oh, I just can't wait to
sit down with, you know, the one he does end
up with, because I would love that. I'd like everyone
to be happy in all the things. But back to this, No,
I can't even imagine. You know, the world of dating.
It's hard, especially when you when someone really wants to
find that person because it's lonely when you don't like
As much as I found peace being alone, there's something
(16:30):
so magical to have an incredible partner by your side,
and you know, I want that for everybody to have
that amazing relationship and to have, you know, peace in
all the areas alone but also in a relationship. So
I love you know that you're trying to help people
guide them in the right way. But having said that,
in the dating world there is a lot of ghosting.
So for the people that I've experienced that, you know,
(16:52):
do you talk about that at all in your book
and kind of how to navigate because it makes you
feel like you're not good enough, And I think that's
just I know I felt that in past when that
would happen. But to me, I always go, okay, I
always know at the very end, you know, it all
happened for a reason. I found the one that I
was supposed to end up with. But it's hard to
see that in the moment.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
I know, and I always say, rejection is God's protection,
and I think that's the biggest thing we have to
remember is that if he wanted to, he would, and
if he wanted to reach out. He would. There's no
excuses for it, and at the end of the day,
it's just protecting you and that will lead you to
meeting that right person instead of wasting more time, more dates,
(17:35):
investing your energy into someone that is not meant for you.
I don't know what it is with the ghosting culture.
I know that, you know, when I was single, I
would always say the text like, hey, I think you're amazing.
I just don't think we're the right fit, and I
wish more people would do that. I don't touch on
it much in the book, just because I felt like
I had I mean, there's so many things I wanted
(17:57):
to cover in the book, and that's why I'm writing
a second book, because there's just so I wanted to
be digestible, and it's such a quick read, and each
chapter has an activity, like an exercise, and so I
couldn't put everything in there. But I definitely think ghosting
is something you just have to remember, like, don't take
it personal. That person was either not ready or you know,
some of the past came back into their life, which
(18:19):
you don't want to get involved in a triangle situation anyway.
So just always know that there are things that the universe,
God sees that you don't see, and it's just protecting
you from something that's not meant for you.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Kristin, did you ever ghost anybody?
Speaker 1 (18:32):
Maybe?
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Did you?
Speaker 5 (18:33):
Bet?
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Probably my younger years. For sure, I had to of
just because I wasn't. I didn't want to hurt anyone's
feeling one thousand percent so and not to be that
ghosting isn't hurtful. But I think it wasn't called ghosting,
by the way, I don't know what that G form
was called, but.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Avoiding I think that was exactly the same thing. I
wouldn't because I would I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
But then again, post divorce, I'm like, you know what,
I'm gonna do this differently. And I remember I I
even sent it to Julie. I'm like, okay, this is
a copy paste. I was like, how does this sound?
You know, I had a great time, you were very great.
Having said that, this is just not the relationship that
I see. It was like, very kind, but you're a
(19:11):
great person. And then it was like, you know, I
totally get it. But if you ever I'm like, no,
I just I closed it like I tried to. I
tried to be kind, but then you kept trying. He
kept trying to open the door again. I'm like, no, no,
I already said I don't. I said everything I wanted
to say. And that's when my friend Julie was like, Okay,
now you can say nothing. Like now you're allowed to
say nothing because you've already said everything.
Speaker 5 (19:32):
I think ghosting also is un lesson.
Speaker 4 (19:36):
I'm may be completely wrong here, but I think a
part of ghosting is if you're a man and you've
ghosted someone, a lot of that is your negative relationship
with yourself because you're ghosting someone. So if you've ghosted someone,
then you've been complimentary and you've led them in a way.
But once you realize, okay, you've you've led them in
and you know that they want you, No, no, I
(19:57):
don't want them, or I don't I feel like I'm
good enough to have this person, or it could, but
again it goes back to where you are yourself and
what your relationship as for yourself. Some people do it
just if you wanted and then discard that person.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
I used to do that back in the twenties. Negative
that was my Yeah, messed upness for sure. I can
relate to that piece from twenties.
Speaker 4 (20:20):
So do you coach people personally as well, like one
to one or do you just guide them towards your book?
Speaker 3 (20:27):
No, So I have two different companies. To have my
matchmaking company and then I have my coaching business. So
my coaching business, I coach men and women. And that's
if you know, if you're always out being social when
you're meeting a ton of people and let's just say
your roster's pretty big and you're just trying to learn
how to date better and get better results, that's kind
of where I come in. And I love a really
(20:48):
good complex situation of like, okay, we're on date three
and this is what happened at dinner, and like I
just made your advice on this, like how do I navigate?
And I'm like, oh, they're so good. I love a
good complex situation.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
I'd be so f on. Well, thank you so much
for coming on the show. Everyone go grab her book
how to track the right guy, avoid situationships, step into
wife the energy, and get him to commit. Thank you
so much for coming on.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
Thank you for having me, thank you, of course
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Thank you, Bye girl, bye
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
All Right, So this week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Talia
we Met. She's the founder of We Met through Thalia
at High End, a matchmaking agency base out of New
York City in Miami. So she has a book out
called how to Attract the Right Guy, Avoid situations, step
into wifey energy, and get him to commit. So we
don't she's not on yet, but you don't ever do this,
(00:30):
but because usually we just go straight into it on
Therapy Thursday. But I've got obviously Kristen and Alan today.
So while we were waiting on her, I love this
book for a couple of reasons. But I also remember
when I got divorced, someone gave me the book Why
Men Love Bitches.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I've not heard that that's an actual title. That's incredible. No, no,
I'm sure it is never heard. I'm pretty sure it is.
That's incredible.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
And it was something where I'm like, okay, because I
feel like when you're dating, you know, there's all these
things like all right, step into wife the energy, you know,
get him to commit. But and I think back on
that book now and i'm reading it, I'm like, well,
I don't want to do that because that's not me.
And so then with this situation too, like I'm really
excited to talk to her because I feel like when
(01:16):
it's the right person, he's going to commit. So like Alan,
it's like if I was to play the quote unquote
games or you know, not return the cat, Well I
didn't for a minute, but not because I was trying
to play a game. I just I wonder do you
guys even like that, like just be you because right
because you're gonna you're gonna commit to the right person.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:36):
I think it's all about the timeframe as well. What
period of dating are you in if you just split
up with someone and you just want to have fun,
So therefore you can be whatever you can put on
whatever persona you want because it doesn't matter. You're not
looking for your husband at that point. And I guess
one of my questions is based around this, like when
does it become a point where is dating It's almost
(01:59):
like you need to a strategy, you know, but dating,
and that shouldn't be the case. So based on the
timeline that you're in and what you want to achieve,
when is it the right time to be yourself and
if you want to be a wife, then give off
those vibes. But that's not always the right thing at
the right time.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I'm going to sound a little ruthless, but I guess
for me, like it's a very cut and dry policy,
like I'm either dating to marry you or I'm not
dating at all. Like I've never been like a I
don't even want a second date with someone who's not
interesting to me in that way. I get that, like
I'm pretty all in, which we've seen from track record,
(02:37):
But you know, like I'm like, it shouldn't be a strategy,
which I hate and I agree with Alan because it
is so strategic and where do you even find real
people anymore?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Well, she just got on, so let's get her on
and then we'll dive right into it.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Hello, how are you.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I'm Janna Alan Kristen. Well, we just started chatting before
you came on out your new book that's out How
to Attract the Right Guy. And Allan even an interesting
point because I was saying, basically, I've read you know
the Why Men Love Bitches and and you Know things
to do for dating. But when I was reading those books,
(03:15):
I'm like, well, I don't want to play quote unquote games.
It's not saying they're games, but I just want to
be me. And and then I was asking him, like,
as a guy, you know, do you like that? And
you basically said it was about the timing, right.
Speaker 5 (03:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:29):
You get people who date for very short periods of
time or on their own matchmaking sights, and then you
get people who you see them or you speak to them,
they've been they've been dating people for years and they've
been on dating apps for years. As a as a woman,
when does it become a point where you end up
(03:49):
just settling for someone that the best person of an
average bunch, or debate is it actually true love? And
when I think there's like a cloudy the area there,
will they date so much that they almost settle for
the person who is just the best of that bunch
and not the actual true love?
Speaker 5 (04:10):
Do you find that a lot?
Speaker 3 (04:11):
So as a matchmaker and as a dating coach, I
advise against that, you know, and I talk about this
in my book about being really clear about what you're
looking for, because when you're trying to find someone without
their description, that's like trying to find a missing person
without the description. So it's almost impossible. So what I
recommend in chapter three is to make a list of
(04:32):
the things that you're really looking for in a person,
so that when he does show up in your life,
you can easily identify and say this is my guy,
like this is the one who I want to start
a family with, I want to settle down with.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Do you feel like love at first sight is a
true or false?
Speaker 3 (04:48):
I think that there's lust at first sight. I think
that physical attraction. Yeah, I think there's absolutely lest at
first sight. Yes, I don't think there's love at first
sight because how can you try really love someone without
knowing who they are? But I do believe in lust
at first site for sure.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Does that translate to love at first site eventually for you?
Or do you think let's get all of that out
of the way first before it becomes something more.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
I think, going back to what I was saying, I
think that there's no such thing as love at first
sight because I think if you really define love, that's
knowing someone's flaws. How can you love someone's flaws and
who they really are and everything they embody if you
don't actually know them.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
So do you think the chemistry that you have with them, though,
can lead or be like a signal or symptom to
love eventually, Like in the ratio of people that have
had love lust at first sight, do they transfer over
to like marriage or do you think that's just like
crazy hormonal like primal attraction.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
I would say it's probably pheromones and just physical attraction
doing its same.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Honey, what do you think it was? Because you always
say I'm staring it up because you always say it was.
I sure because we both say, you know it was
that love it quote unquote love at first. I knew
from the moment that I met you saw you.
Speaker 5 (06:08):
Yeah, but we had also spoken for a few weeks.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Sure, sure, sure, sure, So we.
Speaker 4 (06:14):
Got to know each other, not physically face to face,
but we got to know each other on face thing.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
So, Alan, what would you say in you know, when
it comes to attracting the right guy and the things
that women do like so stepping into the energy, what
do you think is one of the biggest turnoffs that
you see from dating? And then I'm curious to them
to throw it back at you tell you who you
know when you're writing this, like where do you think
the women fall fall short with that, so like, what's
(06:42):
the guy's perspective and then this, yeah, experts for experts.
Speaker 5 (06:47):
Well that's I think that's an individual thing, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Well, what don't you like when you were dating girls?
Like what was what was too much? I guess, or
what was a turnoff? Instantly?
Speaker 5 (07:01):
Masculine women for me is a is a big thumb off?
Speaker 3 (07:05):
Oh I love that. Yeah, yeah, that's my chapter two.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
So can you explain that just a little because I
remember when you did help me. You you that was
the first time I ever heard that was from you
when we first started dating.
Speaker 5 (07:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
I think you find out as you get older and
as you're mature what type of women you're actually not
just attracted to, but connect with. And I don't connect
with masculine women. I'm quite a masculine guy, so therefore
I connect more with feminine women. So offtter feminine women.
So a masculine women for me on a first date,
(07:41):
who is overpowering or what?
Speaker 5 (07:43):
That's just not for me.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
So you're not talking like muscles, You're talking like energy. Yeah,
what would you say?
Speaker 3 (07:52):
For sure? I agree with him one hundred percent. Feminine
femininity is what makes women so powerful and so magical
and magnetic. And in chapter two I talk about the
feminine energy and how if you can hone in on
that and you can turn off your boss babe, you know,
while you're on a date with someone, how that will
(08:12):
lead to way more attraction for the guy, because guys
are attracted to feminine energy.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
So I get that.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
I also think though, too, just to like defend my
masculine girls out there, because I think I've played in
both arenas where my masculine energy comes out when I'm
feeling like I either have to put on a front
or defend or to like when I'm trying so hard.
Is when it would really come out for me, was
when I was like really really trying hard as opposed
(08:41):
to just stepping into who I was.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
I would agree with that though, and I would also
say I think you and I are wired similarly, like
we will be severely independent to the point like we're
not we don't need you. But then I think the
right person for both of us has been able to
take that and demolish it pretty quickly.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Oh yeah, because I think I did that with you too,
Like I at first I think I had a big
old shield up, but then your energy then just brings
me down to who I'm supposed to, my authentic femininity.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Feminine energy is about receiving, because what we forget is
when guys are in their masculine, they want to provide
and protect and they want to give us something, whether
that's carrying, you know, carrying our bags into the house
or you know, whatever that is. And so I think
it's all about remembering too. It's okay to receive, and
it's okay for a guy to step into his masculine
(09:32):
and for you to be the receiver.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
When you met your person? Did was it tricky to
know what you know? Because you have a very you're
very educated in this matchmaking world. So is it hard
to take off almost your business hat essentially when you
start dating someone? Now, now what you know to like
not overanalyze.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
I was going to say, no, I think I I
think if any of my friends were here, I think
they would chime in and say, she actually follows her
own rules. And so I'm not typically the one going
through like a crazy heartbreak where someone love bomby because
I'm really good identifying things and I also know what
I know myself, and I write that in the book too,
Like chapter one's about looking within and understanding who you
(10:27):
are so that you know what's the best match for you.
Because if you don't know who you are and you
don't know what's a good fit, that's going to be
really hard to find that right person.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
What's the wife the energy?
Speaker 1 (10:39):
What do you think that energy is?
Speaker 3 (10:41):
It's the feminine energy. It's about like, it's about receiving.
It's about being in your feminine It's about you know,
showing up in a way that's also like I'm open,
I'm available, you know, when you're out, and about if
you're trying to meet someone organically, it's about showing up
with that openness, because I do think that sometimes my
girlfriends are single and they're out and I'm like, girl,
(11:03):
you don't look approachable right now, Like you look pissed,
you know, and we need we need you to be
in that like happy, like vibrant energy to attract that
right guy who's going to like spot you or see you.
And so why the energy is a lot of things
you have to read the book, but I think the
biggest one I want to say is you have to
be in that open, receiving moade.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
If you find yourself accidentally love bumbed, say someone that's listening,
it's been accidentally love bumbed, because I think it still
gets the best of us. Right, even if you're like
well educated, know yourself, you're like, oh, oh, that's exciting.
Now what is this like that's not the guy for you?
Or is there like a series of questions?
Speaker 3 (11:41):
I would say the first thing is if someone you're
only seeing them for the first time on a first
date or second day at third date, and they're telling
you how much they like you and how they can't
wait for you to meet their family and all this stuff.
It's like, how do you know you like me? You
don't even know me? You know, that's love bomby. It's
it's not it's not genuine, and it doesn't come from
a good place. It's like they have another hidden aginda
(12:03):
that you don't know about.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Yeah, that actually made my throat close when you said it.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
So so and I'm like, well you feah the person,
it's all good, it's happy.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
I don't know. I remember in college I dated this
gentleman briefly and super super sweet, but it was like
date too and I came out This still gives me
a vibe and I think he meant well, I hope,
and I hope he's not behind bar somewhere, but he
I came out to my vehicle to like leave for
my serving shift, you know, four thirty PM, real motivated, right,
(12:33):
And I come out and there's like this. Not only
is there a love letter and a rose, but it's
put inside one of those plastic protectors so in case
it rained, his words wouldn't be smudged. And I thought,
I can't breathe. I can't breathe in how do I say?
I'm having an EpiPen like needed reaction right now even
telling the story. But I just remember being like, this
is too much, too soon. Obviously we were young, but
(12:53):
I have heard girlfriends like older, you know girlfriends we
have now that go on dates and they're like, yeah,
that just escalated really quickly, and it just really throws
off my energy. It makes me feel like a little unsafe.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
I love how you bring up energy because I always
say your nervous system will always guide you in the
right direction. So if you tap, if you know yourself
and you're tapping in after a date and you're like,
how do I feel how this person make me feel
if you feel like your nervous system shutting down, you
kind of like when you said your throat closed up.
That is such a telltale sign that the universe, god,
(13:27):
whatever you pray to, is trying to warn you that
this isn't it sounds great on the outside. I even
tell one of my personal stories I think in chapter
three about someone trying to love on me and say
all the right things, but like my nervous system was
trying to communicate, And that's such an important thing to
listen to because your body will never steer you the
wrong way.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Ever, how did you meet the person that you are
in a relationship with now?
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Oh? Just through friend introduction. I had someone play match
to make your on me.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
So I love that too, and I sometimes feel overwhelmed
for like the women now that are dating and men
I suppose, but that have to do everything like through apps.
It just feels so tricky to me. Do you have
any advice for people navigating apps and swiping left right?
Speaker 3 (14:12):
I do, so I think that the obvious thing that
comes to my mind is tell all of your friends
that are taken to think of you just be like, hey,
if you meet a guy who's x y Z think
of me, especially for in a room at like a house,
swimming party or a barbecue and you see someone who
single and seems really great, think of me in that moment.
I think sometimes the take and married friends forget about
(14:33):
the single friends. But at the end of the day,
like those single friends are really relying on them to
make introductions that are more insightful because dating apps are
a lot harder because you don't have anyone who's pre
vetted that person. There's no vouching. You're kind of just
hoping for the best.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Yeah, I mean, I'm so glad to be off the
dating apps.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Me too, I'm glad you're off the dating we were.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
I was looking at old photos and it was when
I was divorced, and I was like, oh my gosh, babe.
I was like these photos of me, what did you say?
Speaker 5 (15:09):
I was starving?
Speaker 2 (15:10):
I was starving. He goes, he goes, did you actually
post this photo? And it was me and like a
bikini top in the pool with like my hands up
and I'm like, this is I'm cringing at myself from
I was. He's like he's like, He's like, wow, bab
And I was like and then the filters, the amount
of filters I was putting on my face and just
like the sexy like trying to show my boobs and
(15:33):
just I mean, I was really putting it out there
in a very as a one would say, hungry, thirsty way.
But it's hard, you know, and I just I don't know.
But it was funny because we were at baseball and
I started laughing about it because my ex was there
and we were talking about dating apps, and I was
just like, Oh, it's got to be it's got to
be rough out there, you know. And he's like, when
(15:53):
I get back on, he's like, maybe you can help
me with profile pics. I'm like, dear lord, what is
this world coming to. I'm gonna my ex husband with
this profile photost.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I don't have much to say in the pre vetting
section of referencing prevetting, No.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
But I was like, oh, I just can't wait to
sit down with, you know, the one he does end
up with, because I would love that. I'd like everyone
to be happy in all the things. But back to this, No,
I can't even imagine. You know, the world of dating.
It's hard, especially when you when someone really wants to
find that person because it's lonely when you don't like
As much as I found peace being alone, there's something
(16:30):
so magical to have an incredible partner by your side,
and you know, I want that for everybody to have
that amazing relationship and to have, you know, peace in
all the areas alone but also in a relationship. So
I love you know that you're trying to help people
guide them in the right way. But having said that,
in the dating world there is a lot of ghosting.
So for the people that I've experienced that, you know,
(16:52):
do you talk about that at all in your book
and kind of how to navigate because it makes you
feel like you're not good enough, And I think that's
just I know I felt that in past when that
would happen. But to me, I always go, okay, I
always know at the very end, you know, it all
happened for a reason. I found the one that I
was supposed to end up with. But it's hard to
see that in the moment.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
I know, and I always say, rejection is God's protection,
and I think that's the biggest thing we have to
remember is that if he wanted to, he would, and
if he wanted to reach out. He would. There's no
excuses for it, and at the end of the day,
it's just protecting you and that will lead you to
meeting that right person instead of wasting more time, more dates,
(17:35):
investing your energy into someone that is not meant for you.
I don't know what it is with the ghosting culture.
I know that, you know, when I was single, I
would always say the text like, hey, I think you're amazing.
I just don't think we're the right fit, and I
wish more people would do that. I don't touch on
it much in the book, just because I felt like
I had I mean, there's so many things I wanted
(17:57):
to cover in the book, and that's why I'm writing
a second book, because there's just so I wanted to
be digestible, and it's such a quick read, and each
chapter has an activity, like an exercise, and so I
couldn't put everything in there. But I definitely think ghosting
is something you just have to remember, like, don't take
it personal. That person was either not ready or you know,
some of the past came back into their life, which
(18:19):
you don't want to get involved in a triangle situation anyway.
So just always know that there are things that the universe,
God sees that you don't see, and it's just protecting
you from something that's not meant for you.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Kristin, did you ever ghost anybody?
Speaker 1 (18:32):
Maybe?
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Did you?
Speaker 5 (18:33):
Bet?
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Probably my younger years. For sure, I had to of
just because I wasn't. I didn't want to hurt anyone's
feeling one thousand percent so and not to be that
ghosting isn't hurtful. But I think it wasn't called ghosting,
by the way, I don't know what that G form
was called, but.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Avoiding I think that was exactly the same thing. I
wouldn't because I would I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
But then again, post divorce, I'm like, you know what,
I'm gonna do this differently. And I remember I I
even sent it to Julie. I'm like, okay, this is
a copy paste. I was like, how does this sound?
You know, I had a great time, you were very great.
Having said that, this is just not the relationship that
I see. It was like, very kind, but you're a
(19:11):
great person. And then it was like, you know, I
totally get it. But if you ever I'm like, no,
I just I closed it like I tried to. I
tried to be kind, but then you kept trying. He
kept trying to open the door again. I'm like, no, no,
I already said I don't. I said everything I wanted
to say. And that's when my friend Julie was like, Okay,
now you can say nothing. Like now you're allowed to
say nothing because you've already said everything.
Speaker 5 (19:32):
I think ghosting also is un lesson.
Speaker 4 (19:36):
I'm may be completely wrong here, but I think a
part of ghosting is if you're a man and you've
ghosted someone, a lot of that is your negative relationship
with yourself because you're ghosting someone. So if you've ghosted someone,
then you've been complimentary and you've led them in a way.
But once you realize, okay, you've you've led them in
and you know that they want you, No, no, I
(19:57):
don't want them, or I don't I feel like I'm
good enough to have this person, or it could, but
again it goes back to where you are yourself and
what your relationship as for yourself. Some people do it
just if you wanted and then discard that person.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
I used to do that back in the twenties. Negative
that was my Yeah, messed upness for sure. I can
relate to that piece from twenties.
Speaker 4 (20:20):
So do you coach people personally as well, like one
to one or do you just guide them towards your book?
Speaker 3 (20:27):
No, So I have two different companies. To have my
matchmaking company and then I have my coaching business. So
my coaching business, I coach men and women. And that's
if you know, if you're always out being social when
you're meeting a ton of people and let's just say
your roster's pretty big and you're just trying to learn
how to date better and get better results, that's kind
of where I come in. And I love a really
(20:48):
good complex situation of like, okay, we're on date three
and this is what happened at dinner, and like I
just made your advice on this, like how do I navigate?
And I'm like, oh, they're so good. I love a
good complex situation.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
I'd be so f on. Well, thank you so much
for coming on the show. Everyone go grab her book
how to track the right guy, avoid situationships, step into
wife the energy, and get him to commit. Thank you
so much for coming on.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
Thank you for having me, thank you, of course
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Thank you, Bye girl, bye
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