August 24, 2023 • 30 mins
Want to be more productive and motivated?? Why not take the same lessons that help the world's most legendary athletes!
Jana talks to coach Greg Harden about the traits of highly successful people like Tom Brady, and the simple changes you can make in your own life to help you score more touchdowns!
You won't believe these tips that will totally change your perspective... on and off the court!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Wind down with Janet Kramer, an Imheart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
On Today's Whine About It Thursday Therapy. We've got Greg
Harden and he has a book out called Stay Sane
and Insane World, how to Control the Controllables and Thrive.
He actually has a forward by Tom Brady. Greg Harden
is a peak performance coach. He's a motivational speaker. He
has worked with seven time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady.
(00:27):
He's also worked with Heisman Trophy winner and Super Bowl
MVP Desmond Howard and twenty three time Olympic gold medalist
Michael Phelps. He's spent over thirty years building them at
the University of Michigan whoop including four hundred future professional athletes,
fifty NFL first round draft picks, and one hundred and
twenty Olympians from over twenty countries. And he's gained national
(00:48):
recognition when sixty Minutes Sports profiled him as Michigan's secret weapon.
Let's get him on and hear all about how to
stay Sane in an Insane World?
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Hey, Greg, how are you?
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Life is good?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yeah, it looks good.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
So I was reading your bio and I got really
excited because I'm from Michigan.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
Detroit, Michigan, Yes I am.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I mean I say Detroit when I'm like, you know, yeah,
I'm from Detroit, but like really in my street cred
is not that cool.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
I was was I.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Was born in that area, but I was raised like
forty five minutes northeast of Detroit.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
I understood, but.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
I'm still like, yeah, no, I'm from Detroit because I
just I have a very like I even got I
even got mad at. I remember Madonna said something really
negative about Michigan, and I just have such a love
for my home state. I have a love for Detroit.
I have a love for just you know, the where
I went to school. And I just think Michigan is
(01:54):
just beautiful all around, and even Detroit like what they've
been able to do and rebuild. And I just am
like I am the biggest, Like I love my like
home state and the cities that fall in it.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Well, I'll tell you what, I'm excited to meet you.
Your range is crazy. She does what she does what
and what and a producer, don't forget the producer.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Listen, we hustle from Detroit, you know what I mean.
So like we're we're bred that way. It's like, all right,
you got to hustle, and that's just like, yeah, that's
been my thing. But you're not are You're not from
Michigan though, are you?
Speaker 3 (02:30):
I'm from Detroit, Michigan.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
You are from Detroit? Oh my guess? And are you
still working at U of M?
Speaker 3 (02:37):
I am? You know you finished the way you start.
That was a client of mine one hundred years ago,
and now they're a client again where I'm advising the
athletic director and a couple of other folks. But I
retired from the university in twenty twenty, okay, and talk
about picking a perfect time to get away from a
(03:00):
out yeah, yeah, and so so now I just do
consulting and uh, I work only with people I like.
And so I'm in a fool's paradise.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Who are the people that you like?
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Like if you could put them in like a room together, like,
who would be those people?
Speaker 3 (03:22):
People like a few hockey players that I work with,
a couple of NBA players, some lawyers, some attorneys. I'm
working with a financial guru wizard in New York. And
but there are people who I absolutely love and like
and appreciate and and they understand what I'm trying to
(03:46):
give them is more than you know success.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
So what what do you give them?
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Then? Like what is your first of all, like the
qualities that they have that you like in them? And
then what are you giving them?
Speaker 3 (04:00):
Oh good question when we talk about look at this,
what's the difference you've worked with all these high performance individuals.
What's the difference between Tom Brady and Michael Phelps of
Desmond Howard, Charles Woodson and the list goes on and
you have to share with them. They're not only hungry,
(04:24):
they're humble. So the people I work with, they have
the ability to surrender their ego. They have the ability
to be coachable. That's what the secret, the real secret sauces.
Are you coachable? It doesn't matter how good I Kramer,
(04:44):
It don't matter how good we are, right, it doesn't
matter how good I am. If the people don't receive it,
if they don't want it, if they don't hunger for it,
if they aren't passionate about being the best, I can't help.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
What do you see as the biggest mental block for
the people that like they want to be they want
to be the best at it, But like there is
what mental block do you think holds holds people back
from going to that next step.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Being human? See, what happens is that no matter how
we cut it, no matter who you are, you're going
to turn into a human being over and over and
over again. And what happens is that they have the
same problems, issues, trials, and tribulations that the rest of
us go through. To sit up and think that, well,
(05:38):
you know, Jak, she's a superstar. J K is a
human being trying to stay sane in an insane world.
So some of us struggle mightily just with self acceptance
and self love. And that's if you want to know
the secret. That's not a secret of love and self acceptance.
(06:01):
You know, people who are some of the best friends
you've ever had in your life treat you superior. You
love the way that sort of a tension affection, the
approval and acceptance they give you is spectacular. But how
they treat themselves saddens you. So the blocks are how
(06:23):
people talk to themselves, how they treat themselves, how they
are looking outside of themselves for acceptance and approval.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Yeah, I would say that.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
I mean that's one hundred percent because whenever I kind
of think back. I'm like, all right, what was the
problem there? I always go back to I put myself
either in the box or I am listening to old
beliefs that maybe someone else said to me and that
I believed as my own belief but it was never
really mine to like hold, And I think those have
(06:57):
been the hardest ones to like unbreak.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
That's excellent. I mean, think about it. You've got you
can't let a twelve year old run your life. That
twelve year old remembers what they said about me and
how I my nose. You got an eight year old
in your head talking about your nose too big. Oh,
(07:21):
you have to let go of yesterday's baggage, not being
able to let go of yesterday, not understanding that yesterday. Wow,
it's a canceled check. It's history tomorrow and future tripping
is like a promisory note. It's a mystery. But what
(07:41):
we have on hand, the here and now. Being able
to stay in the here and now is a secret
to advancing and staying focused.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
That's so true.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
I love that check. Yeah, you can't use a check yesterday.
Oh my god, I love that saying. That's that's so good.
It's just so hard though, because I come from a
very how do I say this, Like I have to
like everything's on my shoulders, right, So it's hard for
me to not control things because I'm like I have to.
(08:13):
I have to run the ship. I have to do it.
And so when I don't know something that's going to happen,
it's like this, I get this weird, anxious feeling, and
it's hard for me just to be sane, especially in
today's world, like you know, just with everything going on,
and then all the pieces and the moving pieces and
then like all right, well, is this is this career
opportunity going to go through? Or is this idea going
(08:34):
to fail? Or is this going to go through?
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Forward?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
And it's like I can't control really any of it.
I can just do my part of it. But then
I'm like, but then when it doesn't work out, then
I go to well then I fail, Like I just
go straight to like in or I failed. And then
that's where I'm like, what could I have done better?
How could I have controlled it better? And I think
that's like my problem, So help.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Are you ready and just do it? What we need
to be clear about is that your control freak. I'm
one of the best I've ever met. But I had
to learn over and over and over. I can only
control me. I can't control all so many aspects of
(09:20):
my life and what's going on around me and with
other people thinking what they decide. But listen carefully, how
I feel about me is not based on any of that.
My self extreme, my self esteem, and my self worth
must not be based on external forces things around me, money, power, success, achievements.
(09:46):
That's nice, But how I feel about me if I fail.
I hate failing. But I ain't gonna stop liking myself
because I'm not gonna beat myself up because it doesn't work.
It's ineffective. So once you get into simple because you've
heard it's all beating yourself up, that worrying doesn't work,
(10:09):
I'm telling you it's ineffective. Let's be clear. And it's
a habit and a pattern, so you know secretly in
your head that pattern has to be changed. And what
we teach people to do is begin to become so
sophisticated in becoming the world's greatest expert on you that
(10:33):
you just begin to see what works and what doesn't work.
What habits do I have that are building me up.
What habits do I have that are tearing me down?
Where relationships are building me up? And where relationships are
draining me? Do I have psychic vampires in my life?
You've got to be so sophisticated that you don't just
(10:53):
examine relationships when you're mad and upset and when it's
falling apart. You periodically review it's working, what's not working?
How are these people treating themselves? How are they treating me?
But I You'll have a vision of what you really
want to do, and you have this idea, and sometimes
it's going to work, and sometimes it's not going to work,
(11:14):
but you will never stop. You have never stopped, And
so you anticipate, You anticipate anxiety. Are you ready for this?
I need you to be so clear that excitement and
anxiety have some very similar characteristics, heart racing, sweating, you know, breathing,
(11:40):
impaired their moments. Think about this. We just met with
seven minutes ago. You're ready. Yeah, I guarantee you. There's
some moments in your life, some of the most amazing
adventures you've ever been on, some of the most stupendous,
spectacular moments of your life. You're about to crap your
(12:01):
pants before they oh, for sure. And so what we
have to begin to understand is it makes sense to
be anxious. It makes sense to be able to be
so clear about anxiety is going to show up that
you predict it, you manage it, and you turn anxiety
(12:23):
into excitement. You turn fear, you turn fear into passion
because it's gonna come if you're human. And so here's
here's the piece. Sometimes you're worried because fear and self
doubt attack. Fear and self doubt is the greatest enemy
(12:45):
you have ever faced in your life. And you face
some enemies, but the fear inside the self doubt, I
mean you, the competition is between the ears. The greatest contest,
the greatest challenge in your life is can you master
(13:08):
your old man m That's what we're teach in that book.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
What in your life have you had the hardest time
kind of picking yourself up from? Because obviously, you know
you're incredible with your words and your energy, and you
know you motivate other people and to succeed to their fullest,
Like where where do you kind of look at yourself
and go, Okay, I this is this This piece is
hard for me. I know you mentioned the control piece,
(13:35):
but like, because there's something else that's under there that's
like if you're having a moment. You know.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
I'm a professional helper, right, I help people, and I
tell people if you can't you find out what what
you don't like in yourself, and if you don't like it,
change and if you can't do it by yourself, ask
for help. One of the toughest thing for me to
do in life is to ask for help. I tell
you this is how I was raised. My father and
(14:06):
mother were from Georgia, and it came from Georgia to
Detroit worked in the Big Three.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
For Yeah, GM was my family.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I remember so clearly. I'm about eight nine years old
and I run out into the yard and my father's
in the garage doing something. I say, hey, can I help.
My father looks at me and say, boy, let me
tell you something. If you see me in a bear fight,
if you see me in a bear fight, help the bear. JK.
(14:43):
What is he telling me? You don't need help? A
man don't need there's nothing you do it yourself. And
so I was programmed at a tender young age not
to ask for help. The society tells me and not
to ask for help. And if you want to be
a successful, powerful woman, don't ask for help, go do
(15:06):
it yourself. One of the biggest challenges for me is
to let go of that that that whole idea that
I can figure it all out. I can figure it
out by myself, and to ask for advice, to ask
for help. You have to turn it into an art
(15:26):
form and see it as a strength instead of a weakness.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Well, I feel like every good mentor has a mentor,
you know, like you you learn from the people you
know in front of you and that have walked it too,
so or that are walking it. So that's why I
you know, that's why I think you know that everybody
is human, everyone has their emotions and feelings. So it's
like I always love to kind of dig under, you know,
(16:05):
the mentor's hood to go all right, who what do
you lean on when you have those moments? And you know,
obviously because it's like you again, you are so powerful
in your own right and you give so much, you know,
and help so many people, So that's got to be
you have to have a place to land too.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Yeah, And I've had people special people, but I'm gonna
tell you I got married and this is how it
came to be. The woman I was dealing with my wife,
Shaliah Ilmahrten. We're we're just kicking it, you know, and
we both were clear with it. We're not looking to
(16:45):
do anything other than, you know, have people in our
lives that are meaningful and have in are coherent and
capable of making good decisions. Okay, one day she looks
at me and she says, and this is in the beginning.
She says, I've been watching you and you're there for everybody.
(17:05):
She says, who's there for you? This woman looks at
me and says, look, whether this works out or not,
I got you.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Wow. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
All of a sudden, she shifts from being somebody I'm
dating to somebody that I have to take this person
seriously because they see a need for everyone to have
someone to lean on, to trust, to believe in, you know.
And so she made a crystal clear that she had
(17:41):
my back and I desperately needed it and it wasn't
even aware of how much I needed it until she
looks at me dead now and say, I got you.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Oh, that's so sweet. I love that I'm gonna call
my fiance up night and I'm like, I got you, babe,
I got you.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
He'll be overwhelmed.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Yeah, men feel like they have to handle take care
of everything, and.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Sometimes they're thinking that, you know, you don't have time
for them and don't want to be bothered because you are,
Like why, I'm a singer, I'm a producer, I'm a mom,
I'm and I'm I'm a shaker and a mover and
my podcast everything and people and I've got all the
(18:24):
no but I got time for you. That's what you're
going to tell me.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Yeah. I love that.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
So in your book, okay, so you talk about stop
being afraid of being afraid. You control the control the
controllables which you love that commit improve and maintain. Because
I love that as well. You basically now when you
say learn to build better habits, making small improvements every
day as a secret to a completely transformed life, Because
isn't it, Like I read a quote one time it said,
(18:49):
two degrees of of you know, a kind of redirection
is like the start of everything, Like you just two degrees.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Look if you if you would improved by one percent
every day, think about it? If you just try to
improve because all this this overwhelming notion of that I've
got to be, Well, how do you get there? One
step at a time, by an inches a cinch?
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Right?
Speaker 3 (19:18):
And once you commit to being keeping it that simple
and trusting, see what you've got a factor in that trust.
You've got to trust and believe without question or pause,
that you're doing the best that you can with what
you've got, and that you're going to give everything you've got. Now,
this is hard. Win, lose or draw. When I say
(19:39):
give one hundred percent of the time, and people hear
me say when they get it. When I say win, lose,
or draw, they get confused.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
I get the losing part because for me, I look
at a loss as a lesson.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Yes, it's crucial.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
But the other one, though, that's where I'm stuck.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Look, some things are gonna work, and they're gonna work fabulous.
Sometimes it's gonna be it almost worked. Parts of it
worked boom boom boom. So even if it's like it
never reached what the dream sequence and where you wanted
it to go, did it improve? Yes? Is it better
than what it what it was when I got it?
(20:19):
Did I make it a little bit better? Yes? You did,
and I love what you just said. I mean, there
are lessons and losings. If you're afraid to fail, you're
afraid to succeed.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
M m m hm.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
The controlling though, that the other the other piece that
you said about controlling the controllables helped me with that one.
Give me something with that. That's that's the that's the
tip in that in the book.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
For that, I mean, just think about it. Imagine you're
talking to Tom Brady as he wrote the forward in
the book, and I'm grateful forever for his reinforcement and encouragement.
Imagine a nineteen year old Tom Brady, not a superstar,
(21:20):
not the goat, and not people love or hate, but
just a kid who's trying to figure out his next move.
And he's trying to make his next move his best move,
and he's thinking about leaving, he's thinking about changing the
venue that he's in. And he says, I don't think
the coach is like me. I don't think the coaches
(21:42):
believe in me. I want to be the starter and
I have to tell him, Son, you came into my
office because you saw what I did with Desmond Howard
and some other folks, and I need you to be
real clear, I can't get you to be the starter,
the starting quarterback at this school. But I can get
(22:05):
you to believe, without questioning or pause, that if anyone's
qualified to do it, it's you. And what I'm asking
you to do is understand. You can't control how old
is your coach, Oh, forty fifty five years old. I say,
what's the likelihood of your coach changing zero? So what
(22:26):
can you change? I can change how I react, how
I respond. You can control what myself. I can't control
how everybody else is operating. I can control how the coach,
what the coaches are thinking. What I can control is
(22:47):
that they'll never question my commitment. They'll always see me
to give percent of the time, win, lose a draw.
If they don't start me and I don't fall apart.
I'm sending you a message. You can't break me. Eleanor Roosevelt.
Eleanor Roosevelt says, no one can make you feel inferior
(23:13):
without your permission. So I control how I see me.
I control how I feel about me. It takes us
back to my self worth and self esteem is not
based on what anyone else thinks. I'm in control of
at least one thing in my life, and that's my mind.
(23:34):
That's my heart. You can't measure my heart. You can't
measure my mind.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Amen. Did you also give Tom dating advice too?
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Or was it just for it sports playing?
Speaker 1 (23:46):
He's a data model.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
This book is not about me, it's not about Tom Brady,
it's not about the Superstars. Is about human beings trying
to get the absolute most out of themselves. And everyone's
running around now. I want to be the best version
of myself. How do you do that by becoming the
world's greatest expert on you, by becoming your own best friend.
(24:12):
You've got friends that are amazing. I need you to
be the best friend you have.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
I mean, yes, And there's something where when I hear
you talking, I'm like, I have a mental block with
that piece. When with one of my aspects of work
is when I'm auditioning for a show and I get
the breakdown, I immediately go, I'm not right for this.
I immediately say I am not right for it, and
(24:40):
I essentially take my name off the list.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
But I still audition.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
But I sit there and I'm like, I'm not giving
it probably my all because I've already written myself off
that I can't do it, and then the second piece
is like, well why am I doing this? And then
that makes me want to cry because I'm like if
I just believed in myself that I could do it.
But then I'm like, well, why do I not believe
that I can't do it? Because I can do it?
And then I just had this like mental warfare with myself,
(25:08):
and then I'm in my mind, I'm like, well, I'm
just going to show my agents and you know, managers
that I still want to put things on self tape
and make them happy. So I'm just going to send
in a mediocre, frickin' tape that's really not as good
as it should be. And I know that, but I'm
gonna send it in any ways. Help me, help help me,
please help help A go from Detroit out.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Think about it. Let's let's look at there are a
lot of reasons you do it now, It's a habit,
it's what you do.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
Is I've been doing it for at least five years,
Like saying I can't do it since I lost a
really big role, I've like it was like it kind
of just shot me and I was like, man, I
can't do.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
It so, which is also a way that you protect
your ego by anticipating, well, I'm not going to get
it anyway. So if if it doesn't work, I'm okay, No,
this is where we're going to go. We're gonna go
to a space where I'm gonna give you the best
I've got, win, lose, or draw. That means even if
(26:07):
you don't like me, I like myself so much food
that nothing you can do, and I'm going to give
you all I've got. And what you have to be
willing to do is catch yourself when that thought shows up.
That thought is predictable, now therefore manageable. You know, that's
(26:29):
a pattern. You know, that's your self talk, negative self talk.
It's predictable. So now instead of saying saying, you know, well,
I'm not good enough for this, and you say, oh,
you catch yourself, I'm doing it again, and instead of
being mad, you laugh, say, oh, I'm doing this crap again.
(26:53):
I told myself I'm gonna catch myself next time, and
I did, and I refuse and I reject and I'm
going to take it to the next though, not only
did I automatically think, well, I'm not good enough of
this part. I can't do this. I caught myself and
I laughed because it's a pattern and it's a habit
(27:13):
and it's bs. I'm just something trying to protect my ego.
I'm gonna walk in here, I'm gonna kick button. I'm
gonna take names and them foods. If they don't have me,
they stupid and I don't want to work with stupid people.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
I'm channeling and all of it.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Okay, I'm just gonna like my next audition when this
baby comes out, I'm gonna I'm gonna channel all of that.
I'm gonna re listen to this episode and then i'm
gonna read your books Stay Sane and Insane World, and
I'm gonna get the part, and then i'm gonna call
you up and be like, we did it.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Look, we did it.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
You are prying. I mean, think about this podcast. What's
the name of your podcast? Chill out, Calm yourself down.
But sometimes you're a great teacher, but you don't listen
to your own lessons. Just listen to yourself. Trust yourself,
(28:08):
trust the instincts that say, you know, I'm in this
business because I love it and I love doing it.
And I'm going to keep loving it, and you don't
let anyone turn that off. You got into this for
a reason, not so that you can sit up and ponder.
Am I good enough? That's the chat. Oh my god,
don't tell nobody told you this. That's the twelve thirteen
(28:32):
year old running your life again. I need you to
here's it. You ready for? This is your session. I
need you to convince the twelve thirteen year old that
you love her, win, lose or drawn, no matter what happens.
(28:53):
You've got to convince her that if it doesn't work out,
you're not gonna dog her. You're not gonna beat her up.
You're gonna say hey with it. Without this part, you
never have to worry about me loving me. That's all
we want from you, for to you to tap into
(29:15):
that whole notion in the book that says the mission
is to prioritize self love and self acceptance. You're one
of the best friends anyone could have, but your suspect
when it comes.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
To you, Greg, I could talk to you all day.
I love you. I want everyone to get your books.
Stay sane in the saying world, how to control the
controllables and thrive thank you so much for coming on
wind Down, and I just I hope to run into
you in Detroit. When I see you make it so okay,
I would love that so much. It's so good to
(29:46):
see you. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Thank you for the opportunity to hang out with you.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
It was all my pleasure. Thank you so much.
Wind down with Janet Kramer, an Imheart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
On Today's Whine About It Thursday Therapy. We've got Greg
Harden and he has a book out called Stay Sane
and Insane World, how to Control the Controllables and Thrive.
He actually has a forward by Tom Brady. Greg Harden
is a peak performance coach. He's a motivational speaker. He
has worked with seven time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady.
(00:27):
He's also worked with Heisman Trophy winner and Super Bowl
MVP Desmond Howard and twenty three time Olympic gold medalist
Michael Phelps. He's spent over thirty years building them at
the University of Michigan whoop including four hundred future professional athletes,
fifty NFL first round draft picks, and one hundred and
twenty Olympians from over twenty countries. And he's gained national
(00:48):
recognition when sixty Minutes Sports profiled him as Michigan's secret weapon.
Let's get him on and hear all about how to
stay Sane in an Insane World?
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Hey, Greg, how are you?
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Life is good?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yeah, it looks good.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
So I was reading your bio and I got really
excited because I'm from Michigan.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
Detroit, Michigan, Yes I am.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I mean I say Detroit when I'm like, you know, yeah,
I'm from Detroit, but like really in my street cred
is not that cool.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
I was was I.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Was born in that area, but I was raised like
forty five minutes northeast of Detroit.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
I understood, but.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
I'm still like, yeah, no, I'm from Detroit because I
just I have a very like I even got I
even got mad at. I remember Madonna said something really
negative about Michigan, and I just have such a love
for my home state. I have a love for Detroit.
I have a love for just you know, the where
I went to school. And I just think Michigan is
(01:54):
just beautiful all around, and even Detroit like what they've
been able to do and rebuild. And I just am
like I am the biggest, Like I love my like
home state and the cities that fall in it.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Well, I'll tell you what, I'm excited to meet you.
Your range is crazy. She does what she does what
and what and a producer, don't forget the producer.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Listen, we hustle from Detroit, you know what I mean.
So like we're we're bred that way. It's like, all right,
you got to hustle, and that's just like, yeah, that's
been my thing. But you're not are You're not from
Michigan though, are you?
Speaker 3 (02:30):
I'm from Detroit, Michigan.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
You are from Detroit? Oh my guess? And are you
still working at U of M?
Speaker 3 (02:37):
I am? You know you finished the way you start.
That was a client of mine one hundred years ago,
and now they're a client again where I'm advising the
athletic director and a couple of other folks. But I
retired from the university in twenty twenty, okay, and talk
about picking a perfect time to get away from a
(03:00):
out yeah, yeah, and so so now I just do
consulting and uh, I work only with people I like.
And so I'm in a fool's paradise.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Who are the people that you like?
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Like if you could put them in like a room together, like,
who would be those people?
Speaker 3 (03:22):
People like a few hockey players that I work with,
a couple of NBA players, some lawyers, some attorneys. I'm
working with a financial guru wizard in New York. And
but there are people who I absolutely love and like
and appreciate and and they understand what I'm trying to
(03:46):
give them is more than you know success.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
So what what do you give them?
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Then? Like what is your first of all, like the
qualities that they have that you like in them? And
then what are you giving them?
Speaker 3 (04:00):
Oh good question when we talk about look at this,
what's the difference you've worked with all these high performance individuals.
What's the difference between Tom Brady and Michael Phelps of
Desmond Howard, Charles Woodson and the list goes on and
you have to share with them. They're not only hungry,
(04:24):
they're humble. So the people I work with, they have
the ability to surrender their ego. They have the ability
to be coachable. That's what the secret, the real secret sauces.
Are you coachable? It doesn't matter how good I Kramer,
(04:44):
It don't matter how good we are, right, it doesn't
matter how good I am. If the people don't receive it,
if they don't want it, if they don't hunger for it,
if they aren't passionate about being the best, I can't help.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
What do you see as the biggest mental block for
the people that like they want to be they want
to be the best at it, But like there is
what mental block do you think holds holds people back
from going to that next step.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Being human? See, what happens is that no matter how
we cut it, no matter who you are, you're going
to turn into a human being over and over and
over again. And what happens is that they have the
same problems, issues, trials, and tribulations that the rest of
us go through. To sit up and think that, well,
(05:38):
you know, Jak, she's a superstar. J K is a
human being trying to stay sane in an insane world.
So some of us struggle mightily just with self acceptance
and self love. And that's if you want to know
the secret. That's not a secret of love and self acceptance.
(06:01):
You know, people who are some of the best friends
you've ever had in your life treat you superior. You
love the way that sort of a tension affection, the
approval and acceptance they give you is spectacular. But how
they treat themselves saddens you. So the blocks are how
(06:23):
people talk to themselves, how they treat themselves, how they
are looking outside of themselves for acceptance and approval.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Yeah, I would say that.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
I mean that's one hundred percent because whenever I kind
of think back. I'm like, all right, what was the
problem there? I always go back to I put myself
either in the box or I am listening to old
beliefs that maybe someone else said to me and that
I believed as my own belief but it was never
really mine to like hold, And I think those have
(06:57):
been the hardest ones to like unbreak.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
That's excellent. I mean, think about it. You've got you
can't let a twelve year old run your life. That
twelve year old remembers what they said about me and
how I my nose. You got an eight year old
in your head talking about your nose too big. Oh,
(07:21):
you have to let go of yesterday's baggage, not being
able to let go of yesterday, not understanding that yesterday. Wow,
it's a canceled check. It's history tomorrow and future tripping
is like a promisory note. It's a mystery. But what
(07:41):
we have on hand, the here and now. Being able
to stay in the here and now is a secret
to advancing and staying focused.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
That's so true.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
I love that check. Yeah, you can't use a check yesterday.
Oh my god, I love that saying. That's that's so good.
It's just so hard though, because I come from a
very how do I say this, Like I have to
like everything's on my shoulders, right, So it's hard for
me to not control things because I'm like I have to.
(08:13):
I have to run the ship. I have to do it.
And so when I don't know something that's going to happen,
it's like this, I get this weird, anxious feeling, and
it's hard for me just to be sane, especially in
today's world, like you know, just with everything going on,
and then all the pieces and the moving pieces and
then like all right, well, is this is this career
opportunity going to go through? Or is this idea going
(08:34):
to fail? Or is this going to go through?
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Forward?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
And it's like I can't control really any of it.
I can just do my part of it. But then
I'm like, but then when it doesn't work out, then
I go to well then I fail, Like I just
go straight to like in or I failed. And then
that's where I'm like, what could I have done better?
How could I have controlled it better? And I think
that's like my problem, So help.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Are you ready and just do it? What we need
to be clear about is that your control freak. I'm
one of the best I've ever met. But I had
to learn over and over and over. I can only
control me. I can't control all so many aspects of
(09:20):
my life and what's going on around me and with
other people thinking what they decide. But listen carefully, how
I feel about me is not based on any of that.
My self extreme, my self esteem, and my self worth
must not be based on external forces things around me, money, power, success, achievements.
(09:46):
That's nice, But how I feel about me if I fail.
I hate failing. But I ain't gonna stop liking myself
because I'm not gonna beat myself up because it doesn't work.
It's ineffective. So once you get into simple because you've
heard it's all beating yourself up, that worrying doesn't work,
(10:09):
I'm telling you it's ineffective. Let's be clear. And it's
a habit and a pattern, so you know secretly in
your head that pattern has to be changed. And what
we teach people to do is begin to become so
sophisticated in becoming the world's greatest expert on you that
(10:33):
you just begin to see what works and what doesn't work.
What habits do I have that are building me up.
What habits do I have that are tearing me down?
Where relationships are building me up? And where relationships are
draining me? Do I have psychic vampires in my life?
You've got to be so sophisticated that you don't just
(10:53):
examine relationships when you're mad and upset and when it's
falling apart. You periodically review it's working, what's not working?
How are these people treating themselves? How are they treating me?
But I You'll have a vision of what you really
want to do, and you have this idea, and sometimes
it's going to work, and sometimes it's not going to work,
(11:14):
but you will never stop. You have never stopped, And
so you anticipate, You anticipate anxiety. Are you ready for this?
I need you to be so clear that excitement and
anxiety have some very similar characteristics, heart racing, sweating, you know, breathing,
(11:40):
impaired their moments. Think about this. We just met with
seven minutes ago. You're ready. Yeah, I guarantee you. There's
some moments in your life, some of the most amazing
adventures you've ever been on, some of the most stupendous,
spectacular moments of your life. You're about to crap your
(12:01):
pants before they oh, for sure. And so what we
have to begin to understand is it makes sense to
be anxious. It makes sense to be able to be
so clear about anxiety is going to show up that
you predict it, you manage it, and you turn anxiety
(12:23):
into excitement. You turn fear, you turn fear into passion
because it's gonna come if you're human. And so here's
here's the piece. Sometimes you're worried because fear and self
doubt attack. Fear and self doubt is the greatest enemy
(12:45):
you have ever faced in your life. And you face
some enemies, but the fear inside the self doubt, I
mean you, the competition is between the ears. The greatest contest,
the greatest challenge in your life is can you master
(13:08):
your old man m That's what we're teach in that book.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
What in your life have you had the hardest time
kind of picking yourself up from? Because obviously, you know
you're incredible with your words and your energy, and you
know you motivate other people and to succeed to their fullest,
Like where where do you kind of look at yourself
and go, Okay, I this is this This piece is
hard for me. I know you mentioned the control piece,
(13:35):
but like, because there's something else that's under there that's
like if you're having a moment. You know.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
I'm a professional helper, right, I help people, and I
tell people if you can't you find out what what
you don't like in yourself, and if you don't like it,
change and if you can't do it by yourself, ask
for help. One of the toughest thing for me to
do in life is to ask for help. I tell
you this is how I was raised. My father and
(14:06):
mother were from Georgia, and it came from Georgia to
Detroit worked in the Big Three.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
For Yeah, GM was my family.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I remember so clearly. I'm about eight nine years old
and I run out into the yard and my father's
in the garage doing something. I say, hey, can I help.
My father looks at me and say, boy, let me
tell you something. If you see me in a bear fight,
if you see me in a bear fight, help the bear. JK.
(14:43):
What is he telling me? You don't need help? A
man don't need there's nothing you do it yourself. And
so I was programmed at a tender young age not
to ask for help. The society tells me and not
to ask for help. And if you want to be
a successful, powerful woman, don't ask for help, go do
(15:06):
it yourself. One of the biggest challenges for me is
to let go of that that that whole idea that
I can figure it all out. I can figure it
out by myself, and to ask for advice, to ask
for help. You have to turn it into an art
(15:26):
form and see it as a strength instead of a weakness.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Well, I feel like every good mentor has a mentor,
you know, like you you learn from the people you
know in front of you and that have walked it too,
so or that are walking it. So that's why I
you know, that's why I think you know that everybody
is human, everyone has their emotions and feelings. So it's
like I always love to kind of dig under, you know,
(16:05):
the mentor's hood to go all right, who what do
you lean on when you have those moments? And you know,
obviously because it's like you again, you are so powerful
in your own right and you give so much, you know,
and help so many people, So that's got to be
you have to have a place to land too.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Yeah, And I've had people special people, but I'm gonna
tell you I got married and this is how it
came to be. The woman I was dealing with my wife,
Shaliah Ilmahrten. We're we're just kicking it, you know, and
we both were clear with it. We're not looking to
(16:45):
do anything other than, you know, have people in our
lives that are meaningful and have in are coherent and
capable of making good decisions. Okay, one day she looks
at me and she says, and this is in the beginning.
She says, I've been watching you and you're there for everybody.
(17:05):
She says, who's there for you? This woman looks at
me and says, look, whether this works out or not,
I got you.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Wow. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
All of a sudden, she shifts from being somebody I'm
dating to somebody that I have to take this person
seriously because they see a need for everyone to have
someone to lean on, to trust, to believe in, you know.
And so she made a crystal clear that she had
(17:41):
my back and I desperately needed it and it wasn't
even aware of how much I needed it until she
looks at me dead now and say, I got you.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Oh, that's so sweet. I love that I'm gonna call
my fiance up night and I'm like, I got you, babe,
I got you.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
He'll be overwhelmed.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Yeah, men feel like they have to handle take care
of everything, and.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Sometimes they're thinking that, you know, you don't have time
for them and don't want to be bothered because you are,
Like why, I'm a singer, I'm a producer, I'm a mom,
I'm and I'm I'm a shaker and a mover and
my podcast everything and people and I've got all the
(18:24):
no but I got time for you. That's what you're
going to tell me.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Yeah. I love that.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
So in your book, okay, so you talk about stop
being afraid of being afraid. You control the control the
controllables which you love that commit improve and maintain. Because
I love that as well. You basically now when you
say learn to build better habits, making small improvements every
day as a secret to a completely transformed life, Because
isn't it, Like I read a quote one time it said,
(18:49):
two degrees of of you know, a kind of redirection
is like the start of everything, Like you just two degrees.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Look if you if you would improved by one percent
every day, think about it? If you just try to
improve because all this this overwhelming notion of that I've
got to be, Well, how do you get there? One
step at a time, by an inches a cinch?
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Right?
Speaker 3 (19:18):
And once you commit to being keeping it that simple
and trusting, see what you've got a factor in that trust.
You've got to trust and believe without question or pause,
that you're doing the best that you can with what
you've got, and that you're going to give everything you've got. Now,
this is hard. Win, lose or draw. When I say
(19:39):
give one hundred percent of the time, and people hear
me say when they get it. When I say win, lose,
or draw, they get confused.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
I get the losing part because for me, I look
at a loss as a lesson.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Yes, it's crucial.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
But the other one, though, that's where I'm stuck.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Look, some things are gonna work, and they're gonna work fabulous.
Sometimes it's gonna be it almost worked. Parts of it
worked boom boom boom. So even if it's like it
never reached what the dream sequence and where you wanted
it to go, did it improve? Yes? Is it better
than what it what it was when I got it?
(20:19):
Did I make it a little bit better? Yes? You did,
and I love what you just said. I mean, there
are lessons and losings. If you're afraid to fail, you're
afraid to succeed.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
M m m hm.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
The controlling though, that the other the other piece that
you said about controlling the controllables helped me with that one.
Give me something with that. That's that's the that's the
tip in that in the book.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
For that, I mean, just think about it. Imagine you're
talking to Tom Brady as he wrote the forward in
the book, and I'm grateful forever for his reinforcement and encouragement.
Imagine a nineteen year old Tom Brady, not a superstar,
(21:20):
not the goat, and not people love or hate, but
just a kid who's trying to figure out his next move.
And he's trying to make his next move his best move,
and he's thinking about leaving, he's thinking about changing the
venue that he's in. And he says, I don't think
the coach is like me. I don't think the coaches
(21:42):
believe in me. I want to be the starter and
I have to tell him, Son, you came into my
office because you saw what I did with Desmond Howard
and some other folks, and I need you to be
real clear, I can't get you to be the starter,
the starting quarterback at this school. But I can get
(22:05):
you to believe, without questioning or pause, that if anyone's
qualified to do it, it's you. And what I'm asking
you to do is understand. You can't control how old
is your coach, Oh, forty fifty five years old. I say,
what's the likelihood of your coach changing zero? So what
(22:26):
can you change? I can change how I react, how
I respond. You can control what myself. I can't control
how everybody else is operating. I can control how the coach,
what the coaches are thinking. What I can control is
(22:47):
that they'll never question my commitment. They'll always see me
to give percent of the time, win, lose a draw.
If they don't start me and I don't fall apart.
I'm sending you a message. You can't break me. Eleanor Roosevelt.
Eleanor Roosevelt says, no one can make you feel inferior
(23:13):
without your permission. So I control how I see me.
I control how I feel about me. It takes us
back to my self worth and self esteem is not
based on what anyone else thinks. I'm in control of
at least one thing in my life, and that's my mind.
(23:34):
That's my heart. You can't measure my heart. You can't
measure my mind.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Amen. Did you also give Tom dating advice too?
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Or was it just for it sports playing?
Speaker 1 (23:46):
He's a data model.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
This book is not about me, it's not about Tom Brady,
it's not about the Superstars. Is about human beings trying
to get the absolute most out of themselves. And everyone's
running around now. I want to be the best version
of myself. How do you do that by becoming the
world's greatest expert on you, by becoming your own best friend.
(24:12):
You've got friends that are amazing. I need you to
be the best friend you have.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
I mean, yes, And there's something where when I hear
you talking, I'm like, I have a mental block with
that piece. When with one of my aspects of work
is when I'm auditioning for a show and I get
the breakdown, I immediately go, I'm not right for this.
I immediately say I am not right for it, and
(24:40):
I essentially take my name off the list.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
But I still audition.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
But I sit there and I'm like, I'm not giving
it probably my all because I've already written myself off
that I can't do it, and then the second piece
is like, well why am I doing this? And then
that makes me want to cry because I'm like if
I just believed in myself that I could do it.
But then I'm like, well, why do I not believe
that I can't do it? Because I can do it?
And then I just had this like mental warfare with myself,
(25:08):
and then I'm in my mind, I'm like, well, I'm
just going to show my agents and you know, managers
that I still want to put things on self tape
and make them happy. So I'm just going to send
in a mediocre, frickin' tape that's really not as good
as it should be. And I know that, but I'm
gonna send it in any ways. Help me, help help me,
please help help A go from Detroit out.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Think about it. Let's let's look at there are a
lot of reasons you do it now, It's a habit,
it's what you do.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
Is I've been doing it for at least five years,
Like saying I can't do it since I lost a
really big role, I've like it was like it kind
of just shot me and I was like, man, I
can't do.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
It so, which is also a way that you protect
your ego by anticipating, well, I'm not going to get
it anyway. So if if it doesn't work, I'm okay, No,
this is where we're going to go. We're gonna go
to a space where I'm gonna give you the best
I've got, win, lose, or draw. That means even if
(26:07):
you don't like me, I like myself so much food
that nothing you can do, and I'm going to give
you all I've got. And what you have to be
willing to do is catch yourself when that thought shows up.
That thought is predictable, now therefore manageable. You know, that's
(26:29):
a pattern. You know, that's your self talk, negative self talk.
It's predictable. So now instead of saying saying, you know, well,
I'm not good enough for this, and you say, oh,
you catch yourself, I'm doing it again, and instead of
being mad, you laugh, say, oh, I'm doing this crap again.
(26:53):
I told myself I'm gonna catch myself next time, and
I did, and I refuse and I reject and I'm
going to take it to the next though, not only
did I automatically think, well, I'm not good enough of
this part. I can't do this. I caught myself and
I laughed because it's a pattern and it's a habit
(27:13):
and it's bs. I'm just something trying to protect my ego.
I'm gonna walk in here, I'm gonna kick button. I'm
gonna take names and them foods. If they don't have me,
they stupid and I don't want to work with stupid people.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
I'm channeling and all of it.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Okay, I'm just gonna like my next audition when this
baby comes out, I'm gonna I'm gonna channel all of that.
I'm gonna re listen to this episode and then i'm
gonna read your books Stay Sane and Insane World, and
I'm gonna get the part, and then i'm gonna call
you up and be like, we did it.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Look, we did it.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
You are prying. I mean, think about this podcast. What's
the name of your podcast? Chill out, Calm yourself down.
But sometimes you're a great teacher, but you don't listen
to your own lessons. Just listen to yourself. Trust yourself,
(28:08):
trust the instincts that say, you know, I'm in this
business because I love it and I love doing it.
And I'm going to keep loving it, and you don't
let anyone turn that off. You got into this for
a reason, not so that you can sit up and ponder.
Am I good enough? That's the chat. Oh my god,
don't tell nobody told you this. That's the twelve thirteen
(28:32):
year old running your life again. I need you to
here's it. You ready for? This is your session. I
need you to convince the twelve thirteen year old that
you love her, win, lose or drawn, no matter what happens.
(28:53):
You've got to convince her that if it doesn't work out,
you're not gonna dog her. You're not gonna beat her up.
You're gonna say hey with it. Without this part, you
never have to worry about me loving me. That's all
we want from you, for to you to tap into
(29:15):
that whole notion in the book that says the mission
is to prioritize self love and self acceptance. You're one
of the best friends anyone could have, but your suspect
when it comes.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
To you, Greg, I could talk to you all day.
I love you. I want everyone to get your books.
Stay sane in the saying world, how to control the
controllables and thrive thank you so much for coming on
wind Down, and I just I hope to run into
you in Detroit. When I see you make it so okay,
I would love that so much. It's so good to
(29:46):
see you. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Thank you for the opportunity to hang out with you.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
It was all my pleasure. Thank you so much.
Host
Jana Kramer
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