February 15, 2024 • 16 mins
This week, Nedra speaks to a caller who feels unsupported by a "bestie" during one of the most difficult times of their life. How should we proceed when the one who's meant to be there through it all is not present?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm netriglover to wob and you
need to hear this. I often wonder in our lives
when do we notice we need a new type of friend?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
What am I talking about here?
Speaker 1 (00:12):
There are times when we are experiencing something new and
it's an indication that we need something a little bit different.
Maybe we need more support. Maybe we've moved to a
new place and the people in the old place aren't visiting.
You know, all sorts of reasons we might need more people.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
For some of us.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
When we see that there is something missing, we go
directly to oh, my gosh, I have to end this friendship.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I often wonder is there.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
A way to bridge the gap without ending, or do
we have to let people know, like, hey, you're not
meeting my needs anymore. I need another you and another person?
Or is this an opportunity to bring more people in.
We often can overwork our support systems. I've certainly been
(01:02):
in a position where you know, I'm one of three right,
Like being one of three friends is a lot. It
can be much more helpful sometimes for us to just
bring more people in, to pause our friendships and not
in them. And sometimes we have to let people go.
Let's listen to a bit of today's letter and you'll
(01:25):
get my feedback on what we should do with some
of these friendships.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Let's go, Hello all, I have recently been going through
a lot of life changes. Earlier this year, I found
out my husband had a mistress while I was pregnant
with our second child. Well, he left our home to
live with his mistress a month before our baby was born.
(01:50):
During his absence, a friend from the past came back
to my life to support me through this grief. I
also have a friend who I consider a sister, who
I've known for twenty year years now. She's also been
with me during good and bad times. I honestly cannot
say anything bad about her throughout the years. I met
a few other friends through her, one which I considered
(02:12):
a really good friend. We called each other bestie's.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I love a good sister hood.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
There are some friends who feel like you know sisters.
It's this thing like there's this deep connection, there is
some inner knowing.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
We could sit in the same space and be quiet.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
I love a good me too, Like when you're talking
about stuff like, oh, I love a good sister hohod
Now back to your letter. Our friendships are so important,
especially when we're going through really tough things. And it
sounds like you have at least two people who you're
(02:57):
in this experience with. You know, this is especially important
in the process of you having your second child, Like
you know, you have more on your plate, and you've
had this thing in your relationships, so of course you're
looking at your friends like, come on, family, get in here,
take care of me, love on me. And sometimes when
(03:18):
we're going through stuff and one person or one thing
is not going in the direction that we may like,
it's like get rid of it, discard it.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
What is going on?
Speaker 1 (03:31):
And I often wonder is that the best time for
me to make a decision. It's like going to the
grocery store hungry, right, like, is this the best time
for me to pick out every meal for the week,
Because what often happens is we have like things.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
That don't match.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
And so sometimes where we're in a crisis, it's not
decision making time. It's like recovery, rest, grief, but certainly
not Oh, let me make all these other new life decisions.
I think picking a diver brand is enough in a
season with a new child, I don't know if like
(04:07):
disconfiguring your friendships is you know, the space that we
want to be in and making these really heavy decisions.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
But I don't know. Let's keep listening.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
When all this happened with my husband, I feel like
she really did check up on me. We just lived
like half a mile away from each other. I would
be the one to look for her to set up
a playdate because we have daughters the same age. I
asked her if she would be able to take my
daughter with hers to the park when I would recover
from childbirth. She said yes, but never did. I asked
(04:39):
if it would be possible for her to pick me
up from the hospital, and she would say that she
would be working after my baby was born. She tried
to come a couple of weeks after he was born,
but he was hospitalized at that time. She then tried
to come when he was one month old, but he
had bad colic and I was already stressed enough, so
I canceled. After that, she did not call until he
(05:01):
was two months old and she met the baby.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Then.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
I really expected a lot from her since we're besties.
Mind you, I do not have sisters or close family
I can trust and she knows this. I guess I
came to realize that she's not the friend I thought
she would be.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
Sometimes our expectations are clear, and other times we assume
people should know, like you and I don't have any family,
you're supposed to be my family. Where was that clearly
stated before this baby was born? Was there some sort
of okay, so when I have this baby, these are
your duties, this will be your role or is it
(05:43):
like this person should do these things because I would
need those things? You know, I'm hearing a little bit
of a little something on both sides, like she tried,
you weren't available.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
You tried, you know, she wasn't available.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
And sometimes those sort of glitches happen in adulthood, like
we don't have as much time, we do have work,
we do have family obligations, and so you know, things
like this happen sometimes where we're just missing each other,
even if you know there's something really important happening. You know,
I can think of certainly times where it's like, oh
my gosh, I want to celebrate this person, but I'm
(06:20):
out of town.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
What do you do?
Speaker 1 (06:21):
You know, how do we recover from lapses in communication
or contact without discarding the friendship completely, because it sounds
like this bestie had something there before this sort of happened.
And although this is a really big time in your life,
I also wonder what's going on in this other person's life.
(06:44):
We have a tendency to assume that what's happening to
me is the thing that's happening in the world, when
in actuality, it's the thing that's happening to you, which
is your world. But in this other person's life, they
may have some stuff going on and I don't know
what that is. It sounds like you all haven't connected
and caught up to maybe find out what's happening.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
But you know, I would assume that there.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Is something there because there has been some love and
connection and to say, oh my gosh, this person doesn't
love me, doesn't want to be connected to me anymore,
or this friendship is like under attack because of this stuff,
it's like maybe, maybe not, is there something there that
we can salvage. I have reflected on many of the
(07:32):
friendships that I have lost over the years.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Sometimes you know it's mutual.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
It's like you don't call that person, that person doesn't
call you. It's like this dwindling of contact and it's
like okay, cool, I didn't want to talk, no way, right,
Or it's like an event happens and you're like, oh
my gosh, I cannot believe this person did this thing.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Or you know, maybe they ghost you or maybe you ghost.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Them, Like you know, there are all sorts of ways
that we step away from friendships. However, what I'm hearing
here is it's just a lot of missed contact. There
hasn't really been any stepping away as much as there
has been life lived on both sides, and the time
needed for a friendship has not been top of mind
(08:20):
for you know, I would say either of you, because
you have your things going on, and perhaps this friend
does as well. Let's pause listening and we're going to
take a quick break.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
We're back, Let's get back into our letter.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
She's only there for the good times. While I was
recovering from childbirth, she was out and about living her
best life, going out to bars and getting drunk. Meanwhile,
I'm at home dealing with all these emotions, needing a
friend who I convent to. So after her visit, we
kept talking and I tried to set up a playdate
once again, and she canceled on me at the last minute.
(09:05):
This is not her first time doing this, She does
it frequently if she finds something better to do. Ever
since then, I noticed she's been distancing herself from me.
She does not message me anymore, And honestly, I'm hurt
and I feel like I shouldn't be the one looking
for her. And that's where we're at now, no communication.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
What happens in our friendships when we're in different stages
of life. Maybe we are in a phase of really
mothering our children, Maybe we're in a partnership phase, and
somebody's in a party in phase, right, Like, how does
that impact our friendships? I remember when I was, you know,
(09:55):
maybe nineteen or twenty, I had a few friends who
started to have bab and our friendships change, right, Like
the things we could do together, it's shifted, as it
should have. Right Like I went from you know, hanging
out and partying with these people to be like, all right,
we're going to babies rs girl, Like, what time is
(10:17):
the party?
Speaker 2 (10:17):
I'll come blow up?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Blows like it really shifted, But we have to be
intentional about those connections. And even you know, those friends
showing up for me, there were different things in my
life where it's like, Wow, they're not experiencing being able
to travel freely or being able to you know. So
sometimes in our friendships we see that as like, oh,
(10:38):
I can't be friends with this person anymore. They're in
a different life phase. What we can remember is that
in the circle of life, things may come back around,
right and so right now this friend may be in
this living our best life party mode and maybe you
might be there in three years, or maybe she'll be
(10:59):
where you are, and you know, if she's a good person,
could this be a time to transition the friendship into maybe,
you know, a close connection, but not someone you speak
to all the time. Maybe this is not your everyday
friend anymore, the person who takes your kids to the park.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Maybe there's a new person who's needed, or.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Maybe it's someone who already exists that could fill that role.
And right now this friendship is you know, we see
each other when we see each other, and we'll see
how that goes, and you know, maybe we can come
back together and have this closeness that we've always had.
But for right now, it sounds like we're in two
different spaces and that's okay. You know, when I have
(11:43):
friends who were, you know, having babies, I stopped inviting
them to some things.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Right because it's like, don't you gotta get up in
the morning.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
You know, Like I felt awkward even saying to them
like the like I felt like, you know, in some ways,
I'm like, this is immature, and I immature for my age,
but immature for the space that you're in with your life.
I may be in a phase of I do want
to have a more upbeat existence, and people do go
(12:13):
through things, but I'm not necessarily going through a thing.
So what do I want the energy around me to
feel like? And I think we get that from other people,
like sometimes you know, I am the person who I
notice like, oh my gosh, I keep talking about the
same problem to this person.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
And I've asked people like, are you tired of hearing
about this family issue?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Like, you know, I don't want to wear out my resources.
And some people are so grate about listening. And then
there are other people who you just start to notice
this shift of they're spending more time away from you,
they're not answering their phone as much, they are changing
the topic, or they're responding, but it's very short. It's
like Okay, yeah, no, don't do that again. So you
(13:01):
start to notice, like, wow, energetically they're over this topic,
like this is on my mind all the time, all
these things I have going on, but they're like, I
just want to talk about something really like And I
think we look at those people as like, oh my gosh,
they're so mad. I can't believe they want they don't
(13:21):
want to listen to me, or they don't want to
be there for me, And we really need to think
about are we overwhelming our support system? Is this a
time where I need to find a therapist to listen.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
To this stuff?
Speaker 1 (13:34):
I need like eight more friends, so I could just
call one and then get off the phone with her
and call the other one and then call him, and.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
You know, maybe you need to really unload on this topic.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
But if you're doing it with one person, they may
not say it's a lot, but they may behaviorally say
that it's a lot, right, And so perhaps keep the
friendship and build some other ones.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Perhaps this is a space to.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Be more intentional about asking questions and not assuming, you know,
we assume that someone is living their best life because
they're going out to bars and getting drunk.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
But they could be depressed. That could be their symptom
of depression.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Maybe she's not using her phone as much because she's
going to be at six pm. Like, you know, there's
a lot of assumption when people are doing or not
doing something, and we think, oh, you know, this person
is just having the time of their life. And I've
looked back at pictures and be like, ooh, I was
so sad on that picture.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
I had just came from the bathroom crying, you know, So.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
We will assume, oh, this is you know, they're having
a phenomenal time, but we don't know that. And so
sometimes just asking the question of I'm noticing these shifts
in our friendship. Is there something going on with you
or is there something going on with us? You need
(15:00):
to hear this. There are times when we don't need
to end a relationship, but we do need to step back.
The times when we need to step back might include
times where we're noticing like an energetic shift in the relationship,
like no major offense or trauma has happened in the relationship,
(15:21):
but we're in a different.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Space in life.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
And it doesn't mean that, you know, there's anything wrong
with this person, or we need to, you know, have
a formal conversation about ending it.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
But it can be mutual.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
It could be I'm noticing these changes in this person,
and you know, perhaps this is this is not a
time for us. Maybe next month, maybe next year, but
not today. Feel in the gaps, relying on people who
are demonstrating you know, hey, this is not the space
I'm in.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
This is not what I want right now.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
It's heartbreaking, and it's something that many of us will
do because we want this person to be something else.
Acceptance looks like building a community, nurturing your village with
people who want.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
To be there.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
You need to hear This is an iHeart production hosted
by Mendra Glover to wab Our. Executive producer is Joel Bodique.
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships at You need to Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
(16:35):
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
to it and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Talk to you next time
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm netriglover to wob and you
need to hear this. I often wonder in our lives
when do we notice we need a new type of friend?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
What am I talking about here?
Speaker 1 (00:12):
There are times when we are experiencing something new and
it's an indication that we need something a little bit different.
Maybe we need more support. Maybe we've moved to a
new place and the people in the old place aren't visiting.
You know, all sorts of reasons we might need more people.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
For some of us.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
When we see that there is something missing, we go
directly to oh, my gosh, I have to end this friendship.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I often wonder is there.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
A way to bridge the gap without ending, or do
we have to let people know, like, hey, you're not
meeting my needs anymore. I need another you and another person?
Or is this an opportunity to bring more people in.
We often can overwork our support systems. I've certainly been
(01:02):
in a position where you know, I'm one of three right,
Like being one of three friends is a lot. It
can be much more helpful sometimes for us to just
bring more people in, to pause our friendships and not
in them. And sometimes we have to let people go.
Let's listen to a bit of today's letter and you'll
(01:25):
get my feedback on what we should do with some
of these friendships.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Let's go, Hello all, I have recently been going through
a lot of life changes. Earlier this year, I found
out my husband had a mistress while I was pregnant
with our second child. Well, he left our home to
live with his mistress a month before our baby was born.
(01:50):
During his absence, a friend from the past came back
to my life to support me through this grief. I
also have a friend who I consider a sister, who
I've known for twenty year years now. She's also been
with me during good and bad times. I honestly cannot
say anything bad about her throughout the years. I met
a few other friends through her, one which I considered
(02:12):
a really good friend. We called each other bestie's.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I love a good sister hood.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
There are some friends who feel like you know sisters.
It's this thing like there's this deep connection, there is
some inner knowing.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
We could sit in the same space and be quiet.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
I love a good me too, Like when you're talking
about stuff like, oh, I love a good sister hohod
Now back to your letter. Our friendships are so important,
especially when we're going through really tough things. And it
sounds like you have at least two people who you're
(02:57):
in this experience with. You know, this is especially important
in the process of you having your second child, Like
you know, you have more on your plate, and you've
had this thing in your relationships, so of course you're
looking at your friends like, come on, family, get in here,
take care of me, love on me. And sometimes when
(03:18):
we're going through stuff and one person or one thing
is not going in the direction that we may like,
it's like get rid of it, discard it.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
What is going on?
Speaker 1 (03:31):
And I often wonder is that the best time for
me to make a decision. It's like going to the
grocery store hungry, right, like, is this the best time
for me to pick out every meal for the week,
Because what often happens is we have like things.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
That don't match.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
And so sometimes where we're in a crisis, it's not
decision making time. It's like recovery, rest, grief, but certainly
not Oh, let me make all these other new life decisions.
I think picking a diver brand is enough in a
season with a new child, I don't know if like
(04:07):
disconfiguring your friendships is you know, the space that we
want to be in and making these really heavy decisions.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
But I don't know. Let's keep listening.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
When all this happened with my husband, I feel like
she really did check up on me. We just lived
like half a mile away from each other. I would
be the one to look for her to set up
a playdate because we have daughters the same age. I
asked her if she would be able to take my
daughter with hers to the park when I would recover
from childbirth. She said yes, but never did. I asked
(04:39):
if it would be possible for her to pick me
up from the hospital, and she would say that she
would be working after my baby was born. She tried
to come a couple of weeks after he was born,
but he was hospitalized at that time. She then tried
to come when he was one month old, but he
had bad colic and I was already stressed enough, so
I canceled. After that, she did not call until he
(05:01):
was two months old and she met the baby.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Then.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
I really expected a lot from her since we're besties.
Mind you, I do not have sisters or close family
I can trust and she knows this. I guess I
came to realize that she's not the friend I thought
she would be.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
Sometimes our expectations are clear, and other times we assume
people should know, like you and I don't have any family,
you're supposed to be my family. Where was that clearly
stated before this baby was born? Was there some sort
of okay, so when I have this baby, these are
your duties, this will be your role or is it
(05:43):
like this person should do these things because I would
need those things? You know, I'm hearing a little bit
of a little something on both sides, like she tried,
you weren't available.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
You tried, you know, she wasn't available.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
And sometimes those sort of glitches happen in adulthood, like
we don't have as much time, we do have work,
we do have family obligations, and so you know, things
like this happen sometimes where we're just missing each other,
even if you know there's something really important happening. You know,
I can think of certainly times where it's like, oh
my gosh, I want to celebrate this person, but I'm
(06:20):
out of town.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
What do you do?
Speaker 1 (06:21):
You know, how do we recover from lapses in communication
or contact without discarding the friendship completely, because it sounds
like this bestie had something there before this sort of happened.
And although this is a really big time in your life,
I also wonder what's going on in this other person's life.
(06:44):
We have a tendency to assume that what's happening to
me is the thing that's happening in the world, when
in actuality, it's the thing that's happening to you, which
is your world. But in this other person's life, they
may have some stuff going on and I don't know
what that is. It sounds like you all haven't connected
and caught up to maybe find out what's happening.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
But you know, I would assume that there.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Is something there because there has been some love and
connection and to say, oh my gosh, this person doesn't
love me, doesn't want to be connected to me anymore,
or this friendship is like under attack because of this stuff,
it's like maybe, maybe not, is there something there that
we can salvage. I have reflected on many of the
(07:32):
friendships that I have lost over the years.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Sometimes you know it's mutual.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
It's like you don't call that person, that person doesn't
call you. It's like this dwindling of contact and it's
like okay, cool, I didn't want to talk, no way, right,
Or it's like an event happens and you're like, oh
my gosh, I cannot believe this person did this thing.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Or you know, maybe they ghost you or maybe you ghost.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Them, Like you know, there are all sorts of ways
that we step away from friendships. However, what I'm hearing
here is it's just a lot of missed contact. There
hasn't really been any stepping away as much as there
has been life lived on both sides, and the time
needed for a friendship has not been top of mind
(08:20):
for you know, I would say either of you, because
you have your things going on, and perhaps this friend
does as well. Let's pause listening and we're going to
take a quick break.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
We're back, Let's get back into our letter.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
She's only there for the good times. While I was
recovering from childbirth, she was out and about living her
best life, going out to bars and getting drunk. Meanwhile,
I'm at home dealing with all these emotions, needing a
friend who I convent to. So after her visit, we
kept talking and I tried to set up a playdate
once again, and she canceled on me at the last minute.
(09:05):
This is not her first time doing this, She does
it frequently if she finds something better to do. Ever
since then, I noticed she's been distancing herself from me.
She does not message me anymore, And honestly, I'm hurt
and I feel like I shouldn't be the one looking
for her. And that's where we're at now, no communication.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
What happens in our friendships when we're in different stages
of life. Maybe we are in a phase of really
mothering our children, Maybe we're in a partnership phase, and
somebody's in a party in phase, right, Like, how does
that impact our friendships? I remember when I was, you know,
(09:55):
maybe nineteen or twenty, I had a few friends who
started to have bab and our friendships change, right, Like
the things we could do together, it's shifted, as it
should have. Right Like I went from you know, hanging
out and partying with these people to be like, all right,
we're going to babies rs girl, Like, what time is
(10:17):
the party?
Speaker 2 (10:17):
I'll come blow up?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Blows like it really shifted, But we have to be
intentional about those connections. And even you know, those friends
showing up for me, there were different things in my
life where it's like, Wow, they're not experiencing being able
to travel freely or being able to you know. So
sometimes in our friendships we see that as like, oh,
(10:38):
I can't be friends with this person anymore. They're in
a different life phase. What we can remember is that
in the circle of life, things may come back around,
right and so right now this friend may be in
this living our best life party mode and maybe you
might be there in three years, or maybe she'll be
(10:59):
where you are, and you know, if she's a good person,
could this be a time to transition the friendship into maybe,
you know, a close connection, but not someone you speak
to all the time. Maybe this is not your everyday
friend anymore, the person who takes your kids to the park.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Maybe there's a new person who's needed, or.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Maybe it's someone who already exists that could fill that role.
And right now this friendship is you know, we see
each other when we see each other, and we'll see
how that goes, and you know, maybe we can come
back together and have this closeness that we've always had.
But for right now, it sounds like we're in two
different spaces and that's okay. You know, when I have
(11:43):
friends who were, you know, having babies, I stopped inviting
them to some things.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Right because it's like, don't you gotta get up in
the morning.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
You know, Like I felt awkward even saying to them
like the like I felt like, you know, in some ways,
I'm like, this is immature, and I immature for my age,
but immature for the space that you're in with your life.
I may be in a phase of I do want
to have a more upbeat existence, and people do go
(12:13):
through things, but I'm not necessarily going through a thing.
So what do I want the energy around me to
feel like? And I think we get that from other people,
like sometimes you know, I am the person who I
notice like, oh my gosh, I keep talking about the
same problem to this person.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
And I've asked people like, are you tired of hearing
about this family issue?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Like, you know, I don't want to wear out my resources.
And some people are so grate about listening. And then
there are other people who you just start to notice
this shift of they're spending more time away from you,
they're not answering their phone as much, they are changing
the topic, or they're responding, but it's very short. It's
like Okay, yeah, no, don't do that again. So you
(13:01):
start to notice, like, wow, energetically they're over this topic,
like this is on my mind all the time, all
these things I have going on, but they're like, I
just want to talk about something really like And I
think we look at those people as like, oh my gosh,
they're so mad. I can't believe they want they don't
(13:21):
want to listen to me, or they don't want to
be there for me, And we really need to think
about are we overwhelming our support system? Is this a
time where I need to find a therapist to listen.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
To this stuff?
Speaker 1 (13:34):
I need like eight more friends, so I could just
call one and then get off the phone with her
and call the other one and then call him, and.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
You know, maybe you need to really unload on this topic.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
But if you're doing it with one person, they may
not say it's a lot, but they may behaviorally say
that it's a lot, right, And so perhaps keep the
friendship and build some other ones.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Perhaps this is a space to.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Be more intentional about asking questions and not assuming, you know,
we assume that someone is living their best life because
they're going out to bars and getting drunk.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
But they could be depressed. That could be their symptom
of depression.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Maybe she's not using her phone as much because she's
going to be at six pm. Like, you know, there's
a lot of assumption when people are doing or not
doing something, and we think, oh, you know, this person
is just having the time of their life. And I've
looked back at pictures and be like, ooh, I was
so sad on that picture.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
I had just came from the bathroom crying, you know, So.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
We will assume, oh, this is you know, they're having
a phenomenal time, but we don't know that. And so
sometimes just asking the question of I'm noticing these shifts
in our friendship. Is there something going on with you
or is there something going on with us? You need
(15:00):
to hear this. There are times when we don't need
to end a relationship, but we do need to step back.
The times when we need to step back might include
times where we're noticing like an energetic shift in the relationship,
like no major offense or trauma has happened in the relationship,
(15:21):
but we're in a different.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Space in life.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
And it doesn't mean that, you know, there's anything wrong
with this person, or we need to, you know, have
a formal conversation about ending it.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
But it can be mutual.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
It could be I'm noticing these changes in this person,
and you know, perhaps this is this is not a
time for us. Maybe next month, maybe next year, but
not today. Feel in the gaps, relying on people who
are demonstrating you know, hey, this is not the space
I'm in.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
This is not what I want right now.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
It's heartbreaking, and it's something that many of us will
do because we want this person to be something else.
Acceptance looks like building a community, nurturing your village with
people who want.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
To be there.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
You need to hear This is an iHeart production hosted
by Mendra Glover to wab Our. Executive producer is Joel Bodique.
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships at You need to Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
(16:35):
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
to it and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Talk to you next time
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