February 22, 2024 • 30 mins
This week, we hear from a caller who is keeping a hurtful secret from her teenage children: their extended family do not particularly appreciate their company. After years of unsolicited parenting advice and critiques from these family members, this mother just wants distance, but her kids are calling into question if she made the right choice.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, listeners, Welcome back. I'm Metric Glover to WIB and
you need to hear this this week. I want to
start by saying that before I had children, I remember
talking to many parents and they would say something you
know about parenting and they would say, well, you don't
understand because you don't have kids. And I used to
(00:21):
get so irritated, like what I do understand?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
I used to be a kid. I work with kids.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
But let me tell you there are some things that
I did not understand because I did not have kids.
It's challenging to admit that now because I thought I
was so right and guess what, I was right in
that moment at that time. I think there are some
nuances that although we observe things with children, when you're
(00:52):
in an actual situation with them, things are very different.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
And before I had kids, I had these, like I do.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Years of firmness, and you know how things would go
and the way that the universe operates. And you are
introduced to this child and you raise them from this
little tiny being of not even being able to hold
their head up to this person who is now talking back,
(01:20):
your level of compassion might be a little different when
you have an actual child. I was much firmer with younger.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Cousins when I had no kids.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
I was because I was like, oh, no, you kids
will listen if I'm going to take you to the zoo.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
You know, it's single foul line.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Now I am the woman at the zoo or at
the children's play, and it's like, someone needs to ligne
me and these kids up because everybody here is just
out of control. I'm joking, but you get what I'm
going with this that some of the ideas we have
around how things will be when we get to this point. Hopefully,
(02:04):
you know, our mind changes about those things because we
have new information.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
The relationship is deeper.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Maybe you know, we've had some experiences that have shaped us.
Where am I going with all this? So today's letter
is from someone who is dealing with the feedback from
family members about their parenting. I think it's really important
for us to one consider how we deliver information to people,
(02:35):
and two consider if they even want it. Oftentimes, in families,
there is this unspoken rule that because we are siblings,
because you're my daughter, because you're my son, cousin, whoever,
I can say what I feel right and it might
not be that way in other relationships. It might not
be that way in friendships. It's certainly not that way
(02:56):
with coworkers. We would withhold. If you saw your co
worker kid doing something, you might continue to just eat
your chips at your desk. You might not say anything
like hmm, But if it's your niece, you like get
off of there, right Like.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
There is this.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Authority that we feel, you know, in families with other
people's kids, and sometimes it's welcome, like some parents will
want the support, and then other times it's not.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Welcome at all.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
And I really want you to just if you don't
have children parents yourself, don't parent my kids right like,
just you know, worry about you and your playtime. On
the flip side, I think when some kids are being free,
when they are being age appropriate, you may not remember
(03:50):
yourself being that way. So many of us are emotionally blocked.
We didn't have the opportunity to be a certain way
in childhood, and so when we see kids behaving in
a certain way, it's like, oh, the audacity. If I
would have jumped when I was walking, I would have
gotten in trouble. And it's like wow, when you really
(04:12):
think about that that's you couldn't.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Jump while walking.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
You couldn't you know, get your shirt wet, like some
of the things that we're advocating for.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
It's like we need to stop.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
A few weeks ago, I took my children to the
trampoline park, and the hardest part about going to the
trampoline park is leaving the trampoline park. All the trickery
I have to do. You get in the car, I'll
get you some some dipping.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Dots of it. It's a whole show.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Okay, I'm getting these kids out of here, and they
are just you know, they've gone from jumping up and
down and swinging and all of this stuff, so they
kind of, you know, they still in play mode.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
And I stopped for a minute and I.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Said, Wow, my kids are free in a way that
I didn't not know in childhood. They have never been
worried about, oh let me not embarrass my mom.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
I was worried about those sort of things. You know.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
It's like if I embarrass my parent, boy, oh boy,
would they embarrass me.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
But my kids they're free, you know, They're like.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
I'm having a good time. This is a playful environment.
I'm gonna do four cartwheels before I get to the car.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I want to walk on this, you know, those little
tall brick things. Everybody get the balance on it. You know.
It's just fun, fun, fun, fun fun.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
And instead of being irritated by that, I choose to
be an admiration of that, because that is something that
I'm happy that they have the freedom to do. And
maybe when I'm walking with my friends, I need to
start balancing a little bit on a little brick thing. Right.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
I can't do no cartwheel. That's never been my thing.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
But you know, maybe there's a few jumping up and
downs that I need to do, at least kicking my
feet up and down.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
When I laugh.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
I don't know, but it reminds me that perhaps because
we were not afforded the opportunity to misbehave or to
not always be in line, we feel that when kids
are afforded that opportunity, like it's this horrible thing and
it means something for their life. You know, if your
(06:22):
kids don't sit down when you say sit down, they're
not going to get through college. And it's like, WHOA,
that's a really tall accusation there. You know, it's a
five year old. Let's get into today's letter because guess
what I could do go on and on about this topic.
So let's listen and I will chime in as we do.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Hi, I have a question relating to my children and
my emotionally immature family members. I have three teenagers, one
who is diagnosed with ADHD and learning differences, and the
other two who are deep feeling.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
In some impulsive.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
I am from a large family, and most of my
siblings do not have kids, and none of them have teenagers.
When we come to family gatherings or holiday visits, some
of my siblings cannot tolerate when my children get upset
or fight or get dysregulated. If my siblings disagree with
how I'm handling the situation with one of my children,
they will often intervene and tell them harshly to stop
(07:24):
or be quiet, and tell me that I can't let
my kids get away with things. When I've tried to
have conversations with my siblings regarding my children and their
needs and how I feel is the best way to
parent them, it is almost never productive. They scream and
yell and will tell me how unhealthy it is for
my children to raise them this way. And I'm raising
my children to be inconsiderate and undisciplined. I find that
(07:48):
my own family is the least supportive space for me
and my children, where we are all navigating significant challenges
related to having a disability, having a child with a disability,
or having a sibling with a disability.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
I remember reading a book by Eon Levanzant titled The
Value in the Valley, and she had an acronym for
this phrase that she said, other people's problems opp And
this situation made me think of opp other people's parenting.
(08:24):
We have to figure out what exactly is our business,
and in a situation when someone else is parenting, there
are things that we have power over. It's not the
other person's child, but it is something within us.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
So if I am observing some.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Misbehaving happening and it's like, oh my gosh, these kids
don't listen or they don't do this thing, maybe I
can request to have one on one time.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
With you away from the kids.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Maybe I can figure out some sort of activities that
actually occupied them. Maybe there are some conversations that I
will have with you one on one. But yelling at
you at a family gathering that might not be helpful.
That might not be the helpful way, and I understand
(09:14):
that with other people's parenting, we feel like it is
a them problem, when in actuality, what we have considered
as good parenting is controlling parenting. If you can control
your child to the point of them being quiet, if
you can control your child to the point of them
(09:36):
not crying, if you can control your child enough to
the point of them sitting through this very boring, non
entertaining thing for two hours, you have master parenting.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
And I think.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
How unfortunate that is for a child of a certain
developmental age, whether that is someone in middle school, high school,
or primary school, to have that level of control without fear,
because you know, a lot of that comes with your
parent has made you fear them in some way, so
(10:10):
that's how they're able to have that level of control.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
So to have that level.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Of control, it requires a certain type of you know,
personality sometimes, and we're talking about children with disabilities. We're
not talking about atypical children here. We're talking about ADHD
and learning differences and you know, some things going on.
(10:36):
So the insensitivity to the uniqueness of what this situation
is is very challenging to expect someone who has some
challenges in some way. To perform as everyone else would
is quite difficult. And you can't make a person understand, right,
(10:57):
like you can't make your family member understand.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
I guess what, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Here's the thing, here's the testing. And because some people don't.
You know, sometimes people I've seen folks look at you know,
IEP or some diagnostic testing and it says like, oh,
this is the thing, this is the mental health diagnosis.
But there's this idea like, no, this kid is just
choosing this. They're just choosing this bad behavior in this moment,
(11:24):
and I'm bad in air quotes to disrupt this situation.
And if you have something such as ADHD, you know,
it's impulsiveness is sort of built into that, right or
some inattentive or you know, something is built into that.
And that's not to say you'll never be able to
control it, but it's a work in progress. And there
(11:46):
are certain ways that we have to handle situations. When
people have identified diagnoses of some sort with our families,
educating them might be really helpful. Now I just saying, hey,
this person has ADHD or they have this learning difference,
but this is how it manifests. This is how we
(12:09):
have been taught to address it. So as I'm talking
to my child, you might hear me redirect them in
this way. Actually, this thing that you're doing now, it
doesn't work. It triggers them more. So, maybe teaching them
some of the skills you've learned to deal with your
children a lot of you know, some of their ideas. Again,
(12:33):
it goes back to some of the ways in which
your siblings may have been parented or some of the
you know, ideas that they see with their other children.
You know, it makes me think of children being in restaurants,
and this is another thing I had to you know,
I had to have a moment around when I see
(12:54):
little especially like little babies and restaurants and you know,
parents usually little settlement up with some distraction thing like
I'm gonna give you four apples and an orange. Just
play with this, you know, play with your little thing,
and the baby's just throwing it on the floor. Then they,
you know, they start causing a scene. And you know,
you have some folks who will say like, oh my gosh,
(13:16):
this child and I'm like, it's a baby in a restaurant.
Like first off, their attention span super short, they're not
watching Bluey or something fun. They're sitting here watching people
talk about something they can't even engage in, and all
they have is apples to stare at how boring, Like,
(13:37):
I'm just thinking, this is the most boring thing for
a baby to be doing.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Have we thought about this baby in this scenario.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
I'm feeling for the baby, like, somebody please do some
raspberry blows or something.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Let's entertain this baby.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
I hear that all the adults are annoyed, but develop
up mentally, this baby is responding appropriately.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
I think we don't think about that.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
We don't think about like how hard it must be
to not interrupt an adult when you feel like you
have something really urgent to say.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
We're talking about kids here.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Right, Like, so a child's most urgent thing might be
we have a new girl coming in my classroom, and
they may interrupt you. You could be in the middle
of oh my gosh, my trauma, and I just bump
my knee and they're like.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
I have a new kid in my class.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
You know, a lot of parenting is teaching children how
to be people because they don't have these skills, and
if our expectation is like, well, they should know that
they shouldn't interrupt me. Where with they learning, They're not
getting the education in the womb. You know, there's no
instruction in there for those nine months, and so everything
(15:01):
starts on the outside and we are teaching them. Hey,
I know that that. Thank you for telling me that.
That's super important. However, when you see me talking, you know,
you just throw your little finger up and I will
just I'll throw mine up to let you know that
I see you. And when I'm ready to say something,
I will I will call your name. You know, you
(15:21):
redirect them, you give them some instruction. You will have
to repeat that. Perhaps our family members don't know that
because there used to being a key. You get bopped
in the head or something for interrupting. So that's how
you learn ooh, I am not gonna interrupt because they
gonna slap me in it.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
You know.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
So we may be parenting in a different way. We
are parenting with new techniques that the people around us
may not have, and so just letting them know what
you're doing, perhaps it could help, or if it is
not helping, you will have to figure out some strategies
to be in relationship with these family members and not
(16:01):
disrupt the flow of your family. We'll pause here and
we'll be back soon.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
In the last few months, I decided I no longer
wanted to spend the holidays with my family. Because of this,
my husband and I took my children on a vacation
for the holidays, and it was lovely. However, my children
kept telling me they missed going to the extended family.
They keep asking when we are going back, and if
we are going to go for the next holiday. I
(16:34):
don't know where to begin to explain.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
This to them.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
I really don't want to tell them how my family
is being judgmental regarding their challenges and disabilities. But I
also don't want to keep giving vague answers, since I
know that can be unsettling for them. I told them
I myself prefer to either stay home for the holidays
or take a vacation, but my kids say it's not
fair because they want to go to the extended family.
(16:58):
I want to protect them from my family, but also
not explain how badly my family has been acting and
how negatively my family views my.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Kids and myself.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
I'm worried that if my kids know how negatively they
are viewed by my siblings, and how judgmental my siblings are,
it will be very.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Hurtful for them.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I feel trapped trying to look out for what's best
for my kids and not having them get hurt.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
What do our kids need to know and when do
they need to know it?
Speaker 2 (17:27):
What is our motivation for telling them?
Speaker 1 (17:34):
There are things that could be helpful for them to know,
and there are things that could be harmful for them
to know. For them to know, you know your uncle
doesn't really like you, I don't see the helpfulness in that.
You know, you really get on your aunt's nerves. I'm
not hereing the helpfulness in that. And let's face it,
(17:56):
we can get on people nerves and they still love us.
That's why your kids are still longing for them, Because
even though they have some behaviors in your family complains
or tries to redirect it, your kids are still feeling
some love from that family. So there is tons of
(18:20):
things happening, and then there's moments of disruption with behaviors,
and so it sounds like two things are true. There
are some good times and there are some not so
good times, And so I would wonder if pulling them
away from the family that they want to be around
(18:41):
is helpful, and maybe there are some other times to
spend together outside of the holidays. Do you ever invite
them into your children's world. Do you say, Hey, we're
going to an amusement park, or hey, let's take them
to the movies. Like what sort of interactions do your
(19:02):
family have with the kids outside of like holidays and
family gatherings, Like maybe there are other things that can
pull them into the lives of your children where they
can actually get to know them and maybe build a
tolerance around some of these misbehaviors or some of these
things that your family may be having issues with. One
(19:25):
of the things that connects us to children is knowing
them deeply, and we can build our compassion around that.
If we only see them in one sort of way,
it's very hard to be compassionate when they're misbehaving. We're like,
just stop this behavior. Like I don't have any sensitivities
(19:45):
to these other things, So it might be hopeful to
not necessarily pull away but lean into in a different way,
like explore what that could look like outside of just
holidays or family gathering.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
I hear you saying that you.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Don't want to tell them that this is the case
with your family, And I am saying to you that
what is the point of saying it? Do you want
them to have negative opinions or views of your family
or are you trying to help them deepen the connection.
I wonder how much of this is about you and
(20:26):
your relationships with your siblings. How many hard conversations have
you had around their parenting philosophies, How many hard conversations
have you had around the ADHD and the learning differences
and the impulsive behaviors. Sometimes when we are talking to people,
(20:50):
we may not realize that what we're sharing that they're
trying to protect us. So if you're sharing, oh my gosh,
the other day when Stephen came home, he did X,
Y and Z and it was so annoying to me,
your siblings may be trying to come to your rescue
in those moments, like you're not about to annoy my sister.
(21:13):
Stop talking to my sister like that, right, Like they're
not even thinking like, oh my gosh, this is a child.
It's like, no, I see my sister frustrated. I see her,
you know, at these appointments and doing these things, and
it's like I'm trying to protect you from these kids.
I'm trying to get them together so you will not
have these stories.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
And I see how.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
You know, when we're at these gatherings, you're running around
and maybe you're frazz older, You're having these, you know,
soft conversations, and I see them as harming you and
disrespecting you. And my energy is coming from a place
of protection and love. It's not actually coming from a
place of I don't like my nephews. It's like, no,
(21:57):
I'm trying to be a big brother here and defend
you against these kids.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
You know.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
I say sometimes if my ancestors are watching this moment
in parenting, they might spank my kids because they might
say I'm being soft right now, because the protection that
people might have for us is not necessarily like, oh
my gosh, like these kids are terrible. It's like, I
(22:28):
love you so much. I don't want to hear them
talking to you like this. It's so offensive to me
to observe this interaction. I've been in therapy sessions with
teenagers and their parents, and there are some teenagers where
(22:48):
I'm just like, oh my gosh, you are reckless at
the mouth. I mean, I can't even listen to you
talk to your mother like that. Now, your mother, she
might tolerate it. Not in this room, though, because in
this room you will not talk to her like that. Now,
when y'all step in the hallway and get in the car,
you could go back to yelling and cussing and all
that stuff. But kids don't cuss not here. So all
(23:12):
of this profanity you have saved that for your listening
and music. I don't want to hear that here. So
in this space we will be respectful. What your mother
tolerates may be different from what I tolerate. With your
father tolerates, it might be different from what I tolerate.
So just in how you speak to people, I want
(23:33):
you to be assertive, I want you to be clear,
but I don't want you to be rude.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
I don't want you to be derogatory. And we don't
have to.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Use any profanity. Everything that you're saying can be whispered.
Everything that you're saying can be delivered in a way
that doesn't cause you to yell or demean right, So
how do you say this in a way where you
can convey that you don't like this thing or that
(24:04):
this thing isn't working for you or you feel controlled,
and that you could say that without you know, being disrespectful,
because I feel a need to protect this adult, at
least in.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Front of me.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
So I know sometimes you may feel like, oh, it's
so annoying for them to, you know, say something to
my kids. But perhaps teaching them how to address those
situations what might be more appropriate, Like sometimes it takes
people to help us with our children, you know, the
(24:38):
saying it takes a village to raise a child. Everybody
in that village is going to have a different perspective
and personality, and kids need that.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
When kids have a.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Firm teacher, it's like they need a firm teacher to
even appreciate the teacher who's always given out goldfish. They
need a firm or adult to be able to understand like, oh,
you can't talk to everybody in this you know, so
we need different people. And if we're trying to make
everybody this sort of way, it can It can teach
(25:10):
kids that, you know, everybody has to cater you, and
you know all of these sorts of things, but in actuality,
you live in a world and Uncle so and so
he's not gonna you know, yell and all of these
these these are the things that you try to correct.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
But he might want to talk to you if he hears.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
You yelling at me, he may intervene if you know,
you slam a door, you know, Like, so, how do
other people get to be a part of that village?
That's what you're talking about with your family. I want
that support. I want some level of connection, and I understand,
(25:51):
like maybe you don't understand, like how you know the
symptoms of ADHD and what impulsiveness looks like in kids.
But when this is happening, it would be helpful if
give them some ideas because they don't know. They're doing
what they think is appropriate, which doesn't seem to be working.
So give them some ideas around. Okay, so if this
(26:13):
thing is happening, here's a way that you can intervene.
You started off by saying that your family members were
emotionally immature. I think about this when I think about
emotional immaturity. If they are immature, how do I mean
(26:37):
my maturity in this situation with them? I mentioned earlier
the parenting philosophy. If you embarrass me, I'm gonna embarrass you.
You know, it's like a match, right, But emotional maturity
says that I can be composed when you are disregulated.
(26:58):
I can maintain a certain level of energy when you
are doing these other things. As you've grown in your parenting,
that has probably gotten better. You have teenagers, so you've
had a lot of practice with this that they don't have.
And so yeah, they may be you know, in this
(27:20):
in this phase of like I don't get it, I
don't understand it.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
You know, if you cry, I'm wnsta start crying with you.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Right, It's like, you know, they may not understand how
that is actually not helpful behavior for a situation. Now,
you don't have to sit them down and give them,
you know, all of your notes from whatever book you've
read on emotional maturity, but it might be helpful to
just again let them know some ways to address the
(27:47):
situation or connect with your kids. It doesn't mean that
they'll be open to it, but at least you're giving
them the option of doing something different, just saying to them,
you know, the kids have you know, these diagnoses, and
this is why I'm doing these things. That might not
be enough because they may not have the understanding that
(28:09):
you have and from what I'm hearing, this is an
important matter to you, and it seems like the kids
still want to be in relationship and they're not even
noticing some of these things. So how can you talk
to your family about some of the things that you're
observing and some of the ways that you would want
(28:33):
them to respond. You need to hear this one thing
that can be really hopeful for us. When we observe
some behaviors that we would rather not see from other people,
it's pausing. We don't have to respond to it. We
(28:55):
may not need to fix it, it might not be
our thing, but just stepping back and seeing if the
situation can work itself out.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
And if the.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
People involved, the direct people involved can't work it out
and we really cannot observe something, we have the opportunity
to not watch it. I can leave the room. I
can go and sit for in my car. I could
go for a walk. I can leave this space because
something is unfolding here that I would rather not see.
(29:34):
So try observing and pausing. You need to hear. This
is an iHeart production. Host it by me Nadra Glover
to wab Our executive producer is Joel Bonique. Our Senior
(29:54):
producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a
voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at
you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please
be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it,
and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
Talk to you next time.
Hi, listeners, Welcome back. I'm Metric Glover to WIB and
you need to hear this this week. I want to
start by saying that before I had children, I remember
talking to many parents and they would say something you
know about parenting and they would say, well, you don't
understand because you don't have kids. And I used to
(00:21):
get so irritated, like what I do understand?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
I used to be a kid. I work with kids.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
But let me tell you there are some things that
I did not understand because I did not have kids.
It's challenging to admit that now because I thought I
was so right and guess what, I was right in
that moment at that time. I think there are some
nuances that although we observe things with children, when you're
(00:52):
in an actual situation with them, things are very different.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
And before I had kids, I had these, like I do.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Years of firmness, and you know how things would go
and the way that the universe operates. And you are
introduced to this child and you raise them from this
little tiny being of not even being able to hold
their head up to this person who is now talking back,
(01:20):
your level of compassion might be a little different when
you have an actual child. I was much firmer with younger.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Cousins when I had no kids.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
I was because I was like, oh, no, you kids
will listen if I'm going to take you to the zoo.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
You know, it's single foul line.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Now I am the woman at the zoo or at
the children's play, and it's like, someone needs to ligne
me and these kids up because everybody here is just
out of control. I'm joking, but you get what I'm
going with this that some of the ideas we have
around how things will be when we get to this point. Hopefully,
(02:04):
you know, our mind changes about those things because we
have new information.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
The relationship is deeper.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Maybe you know, we've had some experiences that have shaped us.
Where am I going with all this? So today's letter
is from someone who is dealing with the feedback from
family members about their parenting. I think it's really important
for us to one consider how we deliver information to people,
(02:35):
and two consider if they even want it. Oftentimes, in families,
there is this unspoken rule that because we are siblings,
because you're my daughter, because you're my son, cousin, whoever,
I can say what I feel right and it might
not be that way in other relationships. It might not
be that way in friendships. It's certainly not that way
(02:56):
with coworkers. We would withhold. If you saw your co
worker kid doing something, you might continue to just eat
your chips at your desk. You might not say anything
like hmm, But if it's your niece, you like get
off of there, right Like.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
There is this.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Authority that we feel, you know, in families with other
people's kids, and sometimes it's welcome, like some parents will
want the support, and then other times it's not.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Welcome at all.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
And I really want you to just if you don't
have children parents yourself, don't parent my kids right like,
just you know, worry about you and your playtime. On
the flip side, I think when some kids are being free,
when they are being age appropriate, you may not remember
(03:50):
yourself being that way. So many of us are emotionally blocked.
We didn't have the opportunity to be a certain way
in childhood, and so when we see kids behaving in
a certain way, it's like, oh, the audacity. If I
would have jumped when I was walking, I would have
gotten in trouble. And it's like wow, when you really
(04:12):
think about that that's you couldn't.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Jump while walking.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
You couldn't you know, get your shirt wet, like some
of the things that we're advocating for.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
It's like we need to stop.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
A few weeks ago, I took my children to the
trampoline park, and the hardest part about going to the
trampoline park is leaving the trampoline park. All the trickery
I have to do. You get in the car, I'll
get you some some dipping.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Dots of it. It's a whole show.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Okay, I'm getting these kids out of here, and they
are just you know, they've gone from jumping up and
down and swinging and all of this stuff, so they
kind of, you know, they still in play mode.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
And I stopped for a minute and I.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Said, Wow, my kids are free in a way that
I didn't not know in childhood. They have never been
worried about, oh let me not embarrass my mom.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
I was worried about those sort of things. You know.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
It's like if I embarrass my parent, boy, oh boy,
would they embarrass me.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
But my kids they're free, you know, They're like.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
I'm having a good time. This is a playful environment.
I'm gonna do four cartwheels before I get to the car.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I want to walk on this, you know, those little
tall brick things. Everybody get the balance on it. You know.
It's just fun, fun, fun, fun fun.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
And instead of being irritated by that, I choose to
be an admiration of that, because that is something that
I'm happy that they have the freedom to do. And
maybe when I'm walking with my friends, I need to
start balancing a little bit on a little brick thing. Right.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
I can't do no cartwheel. That's never been my thing.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
But you know, maybe there's a few jumping up and
downs that I need to do, at least kicking my
feet up and down.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
When I laugh.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
I don't know, but it reminds me that perhaps because
we were not afforded the opportunity to misbehave or to
not always be in line, we feel that when kids
are afforded that opportunity, like it's this horrible thing and
it means something for their life. You know, if your
(06:22):
kids don't sit down when you say sit down, they're
not going to get through college. And it's like, WHOA,
that's a really tall accusation there. You know, it's a
five year old. Let's get into today's letter because guess
what I could do go on and on about this topic.
So let's listen and I will chime in as we do.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Hi, I have a question relating to my children and
my emotionally immature family members. I have three teenagers, one
who is diagnosed with ADHD and learning differences, and the
other two who are deep feeling.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
In some impulsive.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
I am from a large family, and most of my
siblings do not have kids, and none of them have teenagers.
When we come to family gatherings or holiday visits, some
of my siblings cannot tolerate when my children get upset
or fight or get dysregulated. If my siblings disagree with
how I'm handling the situation with one of my children,
they will often intervene and tell them harshly to stop
(07:24):
or be quiet, and tell me that I can't let
my kids get away with things. When I've tried to
have conversations with my siblings regarding my children and their
needs and how I feel is the best way to
parent them, it is almost never productive. They scream and
yell and will tell me how unhealthy it is for
my children to raise them this way. And I'm raising
my children to be inconsiderate and undisciplined. I find that
(07:48):
my own family is the least supportive space for me
and my children, where we are all navigating significant challenges
related to having a disability, having a child with a disability,
or having a sibling with a disability.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
I remember reading a book by Eon Levanzant titled The
Value in the Valley, and she had an acronym for
this phrase that she said, other people's problems opp And
this situation made me think of opp other people's parenting.
(08:24):
We have to figure out what exactly is our business,
and in a situation when someone else is parenting, there
are things that we have power over. It's not the
other person's child, but it is something within us.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
So if I am observing some.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Misbehaving happening and it's like, oh my gosh, these kids
don't listen or they don't do this thing, maybe I
can request to have one on one time.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
With you away from the kids.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Maybe I can figure out some sort of activities that
actually occupied them. Maybe there are some conversations that I
will have with you one on one. But yelling at
you at a family gathering that might not be helpful.
That might not be the helpful way, and I understand
(09:14):
that with other people's parenting, we feel like it is
a them problem, when in actuality, what we have considered
as good parenting is controlling parenting. If you can control
your child to the point of them being quiet, if
you can control your child to the point of them
(09:36):
not crying, if you can control your child enough to
the point of them sitting through this very boring, non
entertaining thing for two hours, you have master parenting.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
And I think.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
How unfortunate that is for a child of a certain
developmental age, whether that is someone in middle school, high school,
or primary school, to have that level of control without fear,
because you know, a lot of that comes with your
parent has made you fear them in some way, so
(10:10):
that's how they're able to have that level of control.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
So to have that level.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Of control, it requires a certain type of you know,
personality sometimes, and we're talking about children with disabilities. We're
not talking about atypical children here. We're talking about ADHD
and learning differences and you know, some things going on.
(10:36):
So the insensitivity to the uniqueness of what this situation
is is very challenging to expect someone who has some
challenges in some way. To perform as everyone else would
is quite difficult. And you can't make a person understand, right,
(10:57):
like you can't make your family member understand.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
I guess what, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Here's the thing, here's the testing. And because some people don't.
You know, sometimes people I've seen folks look at you know,
IEP or some diagnostic testing and it says like, oh,
this is the thing, this is the mental health diagnosis.
But there's this idea like, no, this kid is just
choosing this. They're just choosing this bad behavior in this moment,
(11:24):
and I'm bad in air quotes to disrupt this situation.
And if you have something such as ADHD, you know,
it's impulsiveness is sort of built into that, right or
some inattentive or you know, something is built into that.
And that's not to say you'll never be able to
control it, but it's a work in progress. And there
(11:46):
are certain ways that we have to handle situations. When
people have identified diagnoses of some sort with our families,
educating them might be really helpful. Now I just saying, hey,
this person has ADHD or they have this learning difference,
but this is how it manifests. This is how we
(12:09):
have been taught to address it. So as I'm talking
to my child, you might hear me redirect them in
this way. Actually, this thing that you're doing now, it
doesn't work. It triggers them more. So, maybe teaching them
some of the skills you've learned to deal with your
children a lot of you know, some of their ideas. Again,
(12:33):
it goes back to some of the ways in which
your siblings may have been parented or some of the
you know, ideas that they see with their other children.
You know, it makes me think of children being in restaurants,
and this is another thing I had to you know,
I had to have a moment around when I see
(12:54):
little especially like little babies and restaurants and you know,
parents usually little settlement up with some distraction thing like
I'm gonna give you four apples and an orange. Just
play with this, you know, play with your little thing,
and the baby's just throwing it on the floor. Then they,
you know, they start causing a scene. And you know,
you have some folks who will say like, oh my gosh,
(13:16):
this child and I'm like, it's a baby in a restaurant.
Like first off, their attention span super short, they're not
watching Bluey or something fun. They're sitting here watching people
talk about something they can't even engage in, and all
they have is apples to stare at how boring, Like,
(13:37):
I'm just thinking, this is the most boring thing for
a baby to be doing.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Have we thought about this baby in this scenario.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
I'm feeling for the baby, like, somebody please do some
raspberry blows or something.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Let's entertain this baby.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
I hear that all the adults are annoyed, but develop
up mentally, this baby is responding appropriately.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
I think we don't think about that.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
We don't think about like how hard it must be
to not interrupt an adult when you feel like you
have something really urgent to say.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
We're talking about kids here.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Right, Like, so a child's most urgent thing might be
we have a new girl coming in my classroom, and
they may interrupt you. You could be in the middle
of oh my gosh, my trauma, and I just bump
my knee and they're like.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
I have a new kid in my class.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
You know, a lot of parenting is teaching children how
to be people because they don't have these skills, and
if our expectation is like, well, they should know that
they shouldn't interrupt me. Where with they learning, They're not
getting the education in the womb. You know, there's no
instruction in there for those nine months, and so everything
(15:01):
starts on the outside and we are teaching them. Hey,
I know that that. Thank you for telling me that.
That's super important. However, when you see me talking, you know,
you just throw your little finger up and I will
just I'll throw mine up to let you know that
I see you. And when I'm ready to say something,
I will I will call your name. You know, you
(15:21):
redirect them, you give them some instruction. You will have
to repeat that. Perhaps our family members don't know that
because there used to being a key. You get bopped
in the head or something for interrupting. So that's how
you learn ooh, I am not gonna interrupt because they
gonna slap me in it.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
You know.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
So we may be parenting in a different way. We
are parenting with new techniques that the people around us
may not have, and so just letting them know what
you're doing, perhaps it could help, or if it is
not helping, you will have to figure out some strategies
to be in relationship with these family members and not
(16:01):
disrupt the flow of your family. We'll pause here and
we'll be back soon.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
In the last few months, I decided I no longer
wanted to spend the holidays with my family. Because of this,
my husband and I took my children on a vacation
for the holidays, and it was lovely. However, my children
kept telling me they missed going to the extended family.
They keep asking when we are going back, and if
we are going to go for the next holiday. I
(16:34):
don't know where to begin to explain.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
This to them.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
I really don't want to tell them how my family
is being judgmental regarding their challenges and disabilities. But I
also don't want to keep giving vague answers, since I
know that can be unsettling for them. I told them
I myself prefer to either stay home for the holidays
or take a vacation, but my kids say it's not
fair because they want to go to the extended family.
(16:58):
I want to protect them from my family, but also
not explain how badly my family has been acting and
how negatively my family views my.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Kids and myself.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
I'm worried that if my kids know how negatively they
are viewed by my siblings, and how judgmental my siblings are,
it will be very.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Hurtful for them.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I feel trapped trying to look out for what's best
for my kids and not having them get hurt.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
What do our kids need to know and when do
they need to know it?
Speaker 2 (17:27):
What is our motivation for telling them?
Speaker 1 (17:34):
There are things that could be helpful for them to know,
and there are things that could be harmful for them
to know. For them to know, you know your uncle
doesn't really like you, I don't see the helpfulness in that.
You know, you really get on your aunt's nerves. I'm
not hereing the helpfulness in that. And let's face it,
(17:56):
we can get on people nerves and they still love us.
That's why your kids are still longing for them, Because
even though they have some behaviors in your family complains
or tries to redirect it, your kids are still feeling
some love from that family. So there is tons of
(18:20):
things happening, and then there's moments of disruption with behaviors,
and so it sounds like two things are true. There
are some good times and there are some not so
good times, And so I would wonder if pulling them
away from the family that they want to be around
(18:41):
is helpful, and maybe there are some other times to
spend together outside of the holidays. Do you ever invite
them into your children's world. Do you say, Hey, we're
going to an amusement park, or hey, let's take them
to the movies. Like what sort of interactions do your
(19:02):
family have with the kids outside of like holidays and
family gatherings, Like maybe there are other things that can
pull them into the lives of your children where they
can actually get to know them and maybe build a
tolerance around some of these misbehaviors or some of these
things that your family may be having issues with. One
(19:25):
of the things that connects us to children is knowing
them deeply, and we can build our compassion around that.
If we only see them in one sort of way,
it's very hard to be compassionate when they're misbehaving. We're like,
just stop this behavior. Like I don't have any sensitivities
(19:45):
to these other things, So it might be hopeful to
not necessarily pull away but lean into in a different way,
like explore what that could look like outside of just
holidays or family gathering.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
I hear you saying that you.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Don't want to tell them that this is the case
with your family, And I am saying to you that
what is the point of saying it? Do you want
them to have negative opinions or views of your family
or are you trying to help them deepen the connection.
I wonder how much of this is about you and
(20:26):
your relationships with your siblings. How many hard conversations have
you had around their parenting philosophies, How many hard conversations
have you had around the ADHD and the learning differences
and the impulsive behaviors. Sometimes when we are talking to people,
(20:50):
we may not realize that what we're sharing that they're
trying to protect us. So if you're sharing, oh my gosh,
the other day when Stephen came home, he did X,
Y and Z and it was so annoying to me,
your siblings may be trying to come to your rescue
in those moments, like you're not about to annoy my sister.
(21:13):
Stop talking to my sister like that, right, Like they're
not even thinking like, oh my gosh, this is a child.
It's like, no, I see my sister frustrated. I see her,
you know, at these appointments and doing these things, and
it's like I'm trying to protect you from these kids.
I'm trying to get them together so you will not
have these stories.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
And I see how.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
You know, when we're at these gatherings, you're running around
and maybe you're frazz older, You're having these, you know,
soft conversations, and I see them as harming you and
disrespecting you. And my energy is coming from a place
of protection and love. It's not actually coming from a
place of I don't like my nephews. It's like, no,
(21:57):
I'm trying to be a big brother here and defend
you against these kids.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
You know.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
I say sometimes if my ancestors are watching this moment
in parenting, they might spank my kids because they might
say I'm being soft right now, because the protection that
people might have for us is not necessarily like, oh
my gosh, like these kids are terrible. It's like, I
(22:28):
love you so much. I don't want to hear them
talking to you like this. It's so offensive to me
to observe this interaction. I've been in therapy sessions with
teenagers and their parents, and there are some teenagers where
(22:48):
I'm just like, oh my gosh, you are reckless at
the mouth. I mean, I can't even listen to you
talk to your mother like that. Now, your mother, she
might tolerate it. Not in this room, though, because in
this room you will not talk to her like that. Now,
when y'all step in the hallway and get in the car,
you could go back to yelling and cussing and all
that stuff. But kids don't cuss not here. So all
(23:12):
of this profanity you have saved that for your listening
and music. I don't want to hear that here. So
in this space we will be respectful. What your mother
tolerates may be different from what I tolerate. With your
father tolerates, it might be different from what I tolerate.
So just in how you speak to people, I want
(23:33):
you to be assertive, I want you to be clear,
but I don't want you to be rude.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
I don't want you to be derogatory. And we don't
have to.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Use any profanity. Everything that you're saying can be whispered.
Everything that you're saying can be delivered in a way
that doesn't cause you to yell or demean right, So
how do you say this in a way where you
can convey that you don't like this thing or that
(24:04):
this thing isn't working for you or you feel controlled,
and that you could say that without you know, being disrespectful,
because I feel a need to protect this adult, at
least in.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Front of me.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
So I know sometimes you may feel like, oh, it's
so annoying for them to, you know, say something to
my kids. But perhaps teaching them how to address those
situations what might be more appropriate, Like sometimes it takes
people to help us with our children, you know, the
(24:38):
saying it takes a village to raise a child. Everybody
in that village is going to have a different perspective
and personality, and kids need that.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
When kids have a.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Firm teacher, it's like they need a firm teacher to
even appreciate the teacher who's always given out goldfish. They
need a firm or adult to be able to understand like, oh,
you can't talk to everybody in this you know, so
we need different people. And if we're trying to make
everybody this sort of way, it can It can teach
(25:10):
kids that, you know, everybody has to cater you, and
you know all of these sorts of things, but in actuality,
you live in a world and Uncle so and so
he's not gonna you know, yell and all of these
these these are the things that you try to correct.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
But he might want to talk to you if he hears.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
You yelling at me, he may intervene if you know,
you slam a door, you know, Like, so, how do
other people get to be a part of that village?
That's what you're talking about with your family. I want
that support. I want some level of connection, and I understand,
(25:51):
like maybe you don't understand, like how you know the
symptoms of ADHD and what impulsiveness looks like in kids.
But when this is happening, it would be helpful if
give them some ideas because they don't know. They're doing
what they think is appropriate, which doesn't seem to be working.
So give them some ideas around. Okay, so if this
(26:13):
thing is happening, here's a way that you can intervene.
You started off by saying that your family members were
emotionally immature. I think about this when I think about
emotional immaturity. If they are immature, how do I mean
(26:37):
my maturity in this situation with them? I mentioned earlier
the parenting philosophy. If you embarrass me, I'm gonna embarrass you.
You know, it's like a match, right, But emotional maturity
says that I can be composed when you are disregulated.
(26:58):
I can maintain a certain level of energy when you
are doing these other things. As you've grown in your parenting,
that has probably gotten better. You have teenagers, so you've
had a lot of practice with this that they don't have.
And so yeah, they may be you know, in this
(27:20):
in this phase of like I don't get it, I
don't understand it.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
You know, if you cry, I'm wnsta start crying with you.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Right, It's like, you know, they may not understand how
that is actually not helpful behavior for a situation. Now,
you don't have to sit them down and give them,
you know, all of your notes from whatever book you've
read on emotional maturity, but it might be helpful to
just again let them know some ways to address the
(27:47):
situation or connect with your kids. It doesn't mean that
they'll be open to it, but at least you're giving
them the option of doing something different, just saying to them,
you know, the kids have you know, these diagnoses, and
this is why I'm doing these things. That might not
be enough because they may not have the understanding that
(28:09):
you have and from what I'm hearing, this is an
important matter to you, and it seems like the kids
still want to be in relationship and they're not even
noticing some of these things. So how can you talk
to your family about some of the things that you're
observing and some of the ways that you would want
(28:33):
them to respond. You need to hear this one thing
that can be really hopeful for us. When we observe
some behaviors that we would rather not see from other people,
it's pausing. We don't have to respond to it. We
(28:55):
may not need to fix it, it might not be
our thing, but just stepping back and seeing if the
situation can work itself out.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
And if the.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
People involved, the direct people involved can't work it out
and we really cannot observe something, we have the opportunity
to not watch it. I can leave the room. I
can go and sit for in my car. I could
go for a walk. I can leave this space because
something is unfolding here that I would rather not see.
(29:34):
So try observing and pausing. You need to hear. This
is an iHeart production. Host it by me Nadra Glover
to wab Our executive producer is Joel Bonique. Our Senior
(29:54):
producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a
voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at
you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please
be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it,
and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
Talk to you next time.
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