April 25, 2024 • 24 mins
This week, we hear from a caller who disapproves of some questionable romantic interests of her long-time bestie. When this friend resorts to keeping her escapades a secret, the friendship is left on rocky terrain.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedra Glover to WIB and
you need to hear this and today's letter, we will
talk to someone who is witnessing her friend be in
a very messy situation. I'd like to share that many
of us have witnessed this to some extent, where we
(00:22):
have a friend or family member in a situation and
we don't necessarily agree with And I'll tell you, the
more that we are brutally honest with them about our
opinion of that situation, the more they actually keep from us,
and the more that they pull away from us because
they're doing this thing in real time that we've expressed
(00:45):
that we don't like. I don't want to see that.
Why are you with this person? They don't want to
talk about it anymore. So, if we really want to
be close in our relationships with people, it can be
really important to listen, even listening to some of them
those things that we're concerned about, because guess what, when
they're ready to leave, when they're ready to get out
of it, they have a soft place to land. They
(01:09):
can come to you. Because you've practiced your non judgmental stands,
you've practiced being open. Now There's a difference between, you know,
listening to somebody else's chaos and listening to something that's
really dangerous, right, Like, if your friend is an abusive relationship,
if they are, you know, being taken advantage of. But
(01:32):
if they are just having fun, and maybe you're like,
that's not what I would want to do. It's they're
not doing anything the legal nobody's being harmed. Perhaps allowing
them to do that is what they need in that moment.
Perhaps allowing people to make some mistakes is what they need.
You know, everyone doesn't learn from what you tell them
(01:55):
not to do, like, oh gosh, if I just caution
this person, we'll be better off. Not everybody. Some people
need to learn first hand that the stove is high.
Some people need to learn from themselves. Don't run in
the street a car is coming. And it's unfortunate because
you would love to be able to say, hey, you know,
(02:17):
look both ways. But you know, sometimes we just need
that other thing that says, okay, lesson received universe, I
have it. And then there are other times when that's
not the case. But in today's letter, we will hear
about a scenario where a friendship is tested because the
letter writer doesn't agree with how their friend is showing
(02:40):
up in this dating relationship. And I want to be
clear here that there are some situations where you know
we're concerned and we express it and we need to
back off. We've let people know and they have the information,
they know how we feel about it. Need to decide
(03:01):
is this something I need to continue to talk to
them about or is this something that I need to
allow them to experience. Let's listen to today's letter.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Hello Nedra, I love your podcast, and I'm coming to
you with a friendship issue. My best friend of eleven
years and I have always had an extremely close relationship.
I will say, though, that we've only lived in the
same city for two of those years, and for eight
of them she was in a long term relationship. She
ended up breaking up with her daughter's father, and I
(03:35):
asked her to move back to North Carolina, where her
mother lives and where I am, because I thought it
would be a great step for her. Before she moved here,
she kept asking my boyfriend to find her someone and
he basically said he didn't really have anyone in mind
for her. Fast forward a bit. She ends up moving
back and we go to homecoming, and my boyfriend tells
her he actually does have someone he would like to
(03:56):
introduce her to. During homecoming. We are hanging out with
his brother and sis, and somehow, before the night is over,
she ends up giving her number to his brother. I
know for a fact she is not at all interested
in him. I asked her why she gave him her number,
and she said she didn't know what to say. I said,
you could have just said no, So instead she starts
(04:17):
texting with him and even facetiming. This goes on for
maybe seven to ten days, and it's time for her
own homecoming. She goes to a city where my boyfriend's
best friend is currently staying, and somehow she starts talking
to him. My boyfriend had already told her that he
wasn't a good partner, that he's divorced and he has
cheated on every female he's ever dated, and even though
(04:40):
they are really good friends, he would tell her to
stay far away, and I actually gave her the same information.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
What I'm hearing here is you love your friend, and
it sounds like you really care about what happens to
her in her relationships with other people. Wonder if she
cares as much as you do. Sometimes people just want
to have fun. Sometimes they are looking to blow off
a bit of steam, and sometimes they just need to
(05:10):
bump their head. And we need to allow that. She
has been forewarned. You all have gone over who he is,
who he isn't, and it seems like she is still
making the choice to maybe not even be in a relationship,
but to have some level of interaction with him, to
(05:31):
have some fun. You know, let's face it, it's not
fun sleeping in a cold bed. Sometimes we don't want
to watch a movie by ourselves. Maybe that tub of
popcorn is better when you're sharing it with two people.
And with that being the case, it sounds like she
might want some companionship, you know, and all companionship is
(05:51):
not good, but it is companionship nonetheless. So her reasons
for it, be it fun or be it serious, we
don't know yet. And this idea that you know she
doesn't really like him, based on what she's given a
lot of signs that she actually does really like him.
I mean, she's calling them, she's texting him, they're spending
some time together. So those are our cues that maybe
(06:14):
I like you a little bit, Maybe I shouldn't like you,
Maybe you don't have enough going on, maybe you're not
a great person, but I do like you. So if
that is the case, how do we honor someone else's
decision when we disagree with it. That's what I really
think this is about, because we've seen situations where our
(06:36):
friends or family members or whoever, are in a dating
situation that's just not good for them, and they continue
to pursue it. I am here to tell you that
people don't pursue one hundred percent bad relationships. They are
getting something from it. You don't see the totality of
the relationship. You see a piece, You see a portion,
(06:57):
and you may be wondering, oh, he's cheated on everybody else. Well,
he might give a really good foot rub, he is
a wonderful back massage, or he's very funny. I don't know,
you know, but there's something there, because she wouldn't be
pursuing nothing. So as you're thinking about, oh my gosh,
this guy is, you know, not for her. She shouldn't
(07:20):
be interested. She's being wooed in some sort of way
by something. So how do we allow this adult woman
to decide who she can have fun with? How do
we sort of look but don't watch, you know, because
sometimes we want to be in relationship with the person,
and it could be really, you know, self honoring for
(07:43):
us to say, hey, maybe I don't need to hear
about the details of your escapades, or hey I hear
you're having fun with this person, but I don't want
to be pulled into it. Like you have the right
to say those things. It is within you know, your power,
or to set some parameters about how she talks about
(08:03):
this situation with you, But of course you cannot stop
her from having it. It sounds like you've cautioned her
maybe enough, you know, you've said, don't touch the stove,
don't touch the soulve hot, and she's got the information
and now she is deciding that she wants to continue
with this. So how do we honor her request to
(08:25):
do that? When we are in a relationship with a person,
we cannot make their decisions for them. I remember some
time ago I had a friend who had a friend
and she didn't like the way that this person's other
friends was treating them right, and so it was like,
oh my gosh, this person is not nice to my friend.
(08:48):
And I'm like, you know, I think that's your friend's business, Like,
I don't know what they're getting from that relationship with
this other person where you're seeing all, you know, these
peoples like mean girls. But your friend is still in
it and remained in it for many, many years, and
so it's really hard for us on the outside looking
in to say, oh, you're not getting anything from this dynamic,
(09:10):
leave this person alone. And it's they're getting something. I
don't know what that thing is, but your friend does.
And maybe she can't put her finger on it, maybe
she's unable to communicate it, but there is something there.
So respecting the boundary of you know, she's allowed to
make a choice for her life, even if it's a
bad choice. Let's take a quick break and we'll come
(09:33):
back and finish listening.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
My boyfriend ended up telling his brother to stop even
having discussions with her via text, and that actually stops,
and I'm under the impression that it stops with the
other guy as well. Fast forward to New Year's which
is about three months later, and I find out that
she's still been talking to the best friend and has
been lying to me for three months. I will say
that our relationship imediately changed because I can deal with
(10:01):
a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them.
I will be honest and say that this was the
type of heartbreak that I'd never had to deal with.
This happened about fifteen months ago. I think we've tried
to repair the relationship, but it's just not there. My
boyfriend decided to cancel the friendship he had with his
best friend because he had directly asked him not to
(10:23):
approach my best friend, and he did via Instagram, which
was the start of the connection between those two. My
boyfriend knew that my best friend didn't need any drama
or nonsense and that it would probably cause a rift
between us us being me and my man if shit
went left, which was very likely to happen based on
all of his past history. So here we are months later.
(10:46):
She's gone back and forth with this guy. She said
she doesn't want to date anyone with young kids, and
he has young kids.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Hmm. There is a high level of involvement here from
you and your boyfriend on behalf of your friends and
who they can date and how they can't date this
best friend, and how they can't date this brother, and
it's you know, it's giving middleman. It's a lot of
middleman and these whole dating dynamics. And I get it,
(11:17):
you're friends with you know, this person, and you want
to make sure they're getting into you know, certain types
of dynamics. But I think it's out of your control.
As you can see, like they're going behind your back.
They're dming each other, like people are figuring out a
way to be in contact with each other.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
You know.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
I recall a situation where there was a person who
was dating someone's family member and they were like, oh
my gosh, I don't want my family member dating my friend.
And it's kind of like what can you do to
stop it? You know? I think it becomes awkward for them,
you know, years down the line if it doesn't work
out and now they have to be at this thing together.
It's kind of like, well that's what you get, Like,
(12:00):
you know, you blur the lines like this is something
you'll have to deal with. It's not for me to
protect you against. Like the natural consequence of working or
being in the same space as the ex will be
in play if this this stuff doesn't work out, and
so inserting yourself and inserting your boyfriend into it. What
happens is you all end up ruining your friendships. Now
(12:22):
you don't have a best friend, Now he doesn't have
a best friend. All because we're trying to tell these
adults what they can and can't do and their dating relationships.
And you know, they're rebelling. They're saying, actually, I can
date whoever I want to date, and I'll just do
it behind your back. You know, A really hard truth
(12:44):
here is when we don't allow people to be honest
with us, they will lie, they will be dishonest, they
will sneak, they will do things behind our back. They
will omit because we have shown them this is not
a space for you to share and be open about
this thing I rejected. So if you want honesty in
(13:06):
this relationship, it can be really important to allow the
person to express whatever they're feeling, whatever is going on
with them, without you having any judgment or feedback about it.
And I know that's really hard. You know, sometimes I
think kids can benefit from that. You know, sometimes as
parents we get so busy with rejecting. There, you can't
(13:28):
get a tattoo too, you're too young for such and such. Well,
let's explore the tattoo let's explore you wanting this pigeon
on your arm. Okay, what will the pigeon do? What
will it look like? Okay? So what happens when you
get a job and they say we can't have any
birds in here and you have a pigeon on your arm.
I don't know, but you know you talk to people
(13:49):
about the idea. You're not saying like, hey, you can
go get your bird tattoo. Now, no, you can't get
your bird tattoo. However, I want to know what you're thinking.
Say it out loud, because sometimes people can talk themselves
out of bad decisions just by talking about it, just
by being given some questions. Even asking your friend like
(14:12):
what are you looking for in dating relationships right now?
That might explain the whole situation to you. I'm just
looking to have a little bit of chaos and fun.
I'm just looking for someone to text me good morning,
gorgeous every morning. I'm just looking for someone to laugh with.
Those things are really important, so the seriousness of the
(14:34):
relationship may not matter. But just talking through that with
someone and not necessarily considering, you know, all of these
really serious things, I think you have her best interests
at her, however, you know, should she be able to decide,
I would say, yes, you know, I think this, Please
(14:56):
let me date me, Please let me date any idiot
I want to date, Like there's just some freedom in
being able to choose what you do in live, what
you wear, who you date, what you you know, your car,
and you know all of these things, and you know,
hopefully I learn very quickly like, oh, well, not a
(15:16):
good match. But sometimes we don't. And we need that
part of the lesson learning too. We don't need people
to just give us the Z before we do the X.
So let's see how this plays out.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
And I realized that I have never been friends with
her as a single person, and I feel like a
lot of her actions have been very messy out of
all of the men that she could deal with the
fact that she was texting my boyfriend's brother in the
same week she started texting his best friend. It hasn't
sat right with me, and it has caused a large
elephant in our relationship. We've had some sit downs on it.
(15:53):
But what makes me upset is the fact that she
doesn't take ownership of how messy this has been for
her best friend. It also reeks of a weird codependency.
In my opinion, out of all of the people in
North Carolina, this is what you're choosing to do. Anyways.
I guess I'm trying to figure out if it's okay
to take a break from this friendship which might be temporary,
(16:14):
or I'm realizing this could be a permanent ending. I
just don't feel the same about the friendship any longer.
I'm just looking for advice and how to move forward.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Sometimes we learn things about our friends and people we
would rather not know. And I'll tell you you know,
this discovery that we have about people is what kept
me off of Facebook personally for many years. I just
did not want to know certain things about people. For
one year from two thousand and nine to twenty ten,
(16:51):
I use Facebook personally, and the things I discover it
was just alarming. I'm like, I did not know you
had this many issues with your boyfriend. Every time I
see you while you're so happy, Like it was just
information overload. And so I decided I don't want to
know these things about these people, and I opted out.
(17:14):
I will not follow you on I'm going to leave
the platform. That's how serious I was about not wanting
to know things, and you know, I think you know,
you don't have to be that extreme with it. That's
just one way, but it could be you know, maybe
saying to a person that even your boyfriend, if he's
sharing this information with you, even saying to him like,
(17:37):
I don't want to know more, please don't tell me anything.
It's like telling someone not to tell you the ending
of the movie. I don't want to know, Please don't
tell me. Sometimes not knowing something is really a way
to be in relationship with people. When they say ignorant
is bliss, this is the ignorance like I don't want
to know about how you date and what you have
(18:00):
going on because it kind of makes me think of
you in a way that I haven't thought of you
in terms of who you are as a person. And
so it's really odd. Now here's the thing that's really
hard for some of us to admit. Are we defending
our friends because they're are friends. Are we holding them
(18:25):
to a high standard? Are we being honest about who
they are? Because let's face it, sometimes we're in relationships
with people and they come back and they're like, oh
my gosh, this person did this, and this person was wild,
and they blah blah blah, And you're ignoring the fact
that this person has experienced this many times with other people,
(18:47):
and it's likely that they are the culprit. You're ignoring
the fact that they've shown up in a certain way
in your life. And so you may say like, oh
my gosh, you know this is so weird that they're
in this dynamic, But it is something about them putting
them in this dynamic. So I would say, what are
the clues, what are the other things that you can
(19:09):
pull from your relationship with this person to better explain
what they're experiencing right now for you in particular, you know,
if you were my client, would I would ask you,
what does this have to do with you? What is
who she's dating? And you know all this mess she's
(19:32):
going with, What does this have to do with you?
How is this your stuff? And if you can share
with me like she's my best friend, I imagine to
go like she's my best friend. Yes, she is not
your possession, she is your best friend. You have other friends.
I'm sure, how does this impact you outside of what
(19:57):
you think about what she's doing, which we've already taught
you can just kind of be you could choose to
be out of the loop, right, Like, I just don't
need to hear more, I don't need to see more.
Please turn your phone face down. I don't even want
to see your text.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Right?
Speaker 1 (20:10):
Is this something that you should be trying to manage?
I hear you mentioning codependency, But is it co dependent
of us to try to control people's relationships with others?
I would say a little bit. You know, maybe there
is a little codependency in that that we're trying to
(20:33):
manage what they can do in other relationships, what they
can experience in other relationships, particularly those that aren't abusive. Right,
we're talking about people having, you know, some level of openness,
and I assume sex and fun and all of these things,
but maybe nothing serious is happening here. Maybe everybody is
(20:55):
aware of what's happening, and you are the person who's
saying no, no, you should find yourself a great guy
and you know, be monogamous with him. You need someone
serious for your daughter, and you know all of these things.
Is that her intention? So for you, I would say,
how do you manage the codependency that you have in
(21:17):
this relationship with your best friend, How do you explore
how knowing these sort of things has impacted your relationship
with this person? And most importantly, how do you learn
to manage your side of the street your stuff? This
is not your stuff, This is your friend's stuff. How
(21:40):
do you manage your stuff? Your stuff would be your opinions,
your thoughts, your feelings. That's all your stuff. What she's
doing is her stuff. How do you manage the parts
of this that you can actually control? You cannot control
her dating situation. As we listen to this, you know,
(22:02):
I was just thinking about how our relationships can be
ruined by sometimes knowing too much about people or trying
to help them with problems that they don't even think
they have. We're like telling them, hey, here's your problem,
and here's how to fix it. And they're like, no, no,
I'm fine, this is great. It's like telling your neighbor
(22:24):
who has tall grass and loves it that they need
to cut their grass. It's like, no, I actually like
it this way when I have all those dandelions.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
It's like you're telling a person a problem that they
don't have. This is a problem for you. It may
not be a problem for this other person you need
to hear this. It is really important for us to
figure out when we're in a situation with someone, how
(22:56):
are we involved, what is my business and what is
their business? How do I manage what's mine and how
do I support them in managing what's theirs. Last year,
we had a podcast where we answered some of your
shorter questions, and I'd love to do that again. So
(23:19):
if you have a question that is short that we
can answer along with two or three others, please submit
it to be featured on an upcoming podcast. You need
to hear This is an iHeart production hosted by me
Nedra Glover to wob Our executive producer is Joel Baldique.
(23:42):
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships that you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
to it and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this. Talk to you next time.
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedra Glover to WIB and
you need to hear this and today's letter, we will
talk to someone who is witnessing her friend be in
a very messy situation. I'd like to share that many
of us have witnessed this to some extent, where we
(00:22):
have a friend or family member in a situation and
we don't necessarily agree with And I'll tell you, the
more that we are brutally honest with them about our
opinion of that situation, the more they actually keep from us,
and the more that they pull away from us because
they're doing this thing in real time that we've expressed
(00:45):
that we don't like. I don't want to see that.
Why are you with this person? They don't want to
talk about it anymore. So, if we really want to
be close in our relationships with people, it can be
really important to listen, even listening to some of them
those things that we're concerned about, because guess what, when
they're ready to leave, when they're ready to get out
of it, they have a soft place to land. They
(01:09):
can come to you. Because you've practiced your non judgmental stands,
you've practiced being open. Now There's a difference between, you know,
listening to somebody else's chaos and listening to something that's
really dangerous, right, Like, if your friend is an abusive relationship,
if they are, you know, being taken advantage of. But
(01:32):
if they are just having fun, and maybe you're like,
that's not what I would want to do. It's they're
not doing anything the legal nobody's being harmed. Perhaps allowing
them to do that is what they need in that moment.
Perhaps allowing people to make some mistakes is what they need.
You know, everyone doesn't learn from what you tell them
(01:55):
not to do, like, oh gosh, if I just caution
this person, we'll be better off. Not everybody. Some people
need to learn first hand that the stove is high.
Some people need to learn from themselves. Don't run in
the street a car is coming. And it's unfortunate because
you would love to be able to say, hey, you know,
(02:17):
look both ways. But you know, sometimes we just need
that other thing that says, okay, lesson received universe, I
have it. And then there are other times when that's
not the case. But in today's letter, we will hear
about a scenario where a friendship is tested because the
letter writer doesn't agree with how their friend is showing
(02:40):
up in this dating relationship. And I want to be
clear here that there are some situations where you know
we're concerned and we express it and we need to
back off. We've let people know and they have the information,
they know how we feel about it. Need to decide
(03:01):
is this something I need to continue to talk to
them about or is this something that I need to
allow them to experience. Let's listen to today's letter.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Hello Nedra, I love your podcast, and I'm coming to
you with a friendship issue. My best friend of eleven
years and I have always had an extremely close relationship.
I will say, though, that we've only lived in the
same city for two of those years, and for eight
of them she was in a long term relationship. She
ended up breaking up with her daughter's father, and I
(03:35):
asked her to move back to North Carolina, where her
mother lives and where I am, because I thought it
would be a great step for her. Before she moved here,
she kept asking my boyfriend to find her someone and
he basically said he didn't really have anyone in mind
for her. Fast forward a bit. She ends up moving
back and we go to homecoming, and my boyfriend tells
her he actually does have someone he would like to
(03:56):
introduce her to. During homecoming. We are hanging out with
his brother and sis, and somehow, before the night is over,
she ends up giving her number to his brother. I
know for a fact she is not at all interested
in him. I asked her why she gave him her number,
and she said she didn't know what to say. I said,
you could have just said no, So instead she starts
(04:17):
texting with him and even facetiming. This goes on for
maybe seven to ten days, and it's time for her
own homecoming. She goes to a city where my boyfriend's
best friend is currently staying, and somehow she starts talking
to him. My boyfriend had already told her that he
wasn't a good partner, that he's divorced and he has
cheated on every female he's ever dated, and even though
(04:40):
they are really good friends, he would tell her to
stay far away, and I actually gave her the same information.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
What I'm hearing here is you love your friend, and
it sounds like you really care about what happens to
her in her relationships with other people. Wonder if she
cares as much as you do. Sometimes people just want
to have fun. Sometimes they are looking to blow off
a bit of steam, and sometimes they just need to
(05:10):
bump their head. And we need to allow that. She
has been forewarned. You all have gone over who he is,
who he isn't, and it seems like she is still
making the choice to maybe not even be in a relationship,
but to have some level of interaction with him, to
(05:31):
have some fun. You know, let's face it, it's not
fun sleeping in a cold bed. Sometimes we don't want
to watch a movie by ourselves. Maybe that tub of
popcorn is better when you're sharing it with two people.
And with that being the case, it sounds like she
might want some companionship, you know, and all companionship is
(05:51):
not good, but it is companionship nonetheless. So her reasons
for it, be it fun or be it serious, we
don't know yet. And this idea that you know she
doesn't really like him, based on what she's given a
lot of signs that she actually does really like him.
I mean, she's calling them, she's texting him, they're spending
some time together. So those are our cues that maybe
(06:14):
I like you a little bit, Maybe I shouldn't like you,
Maybe you don't have enough going on, maybe you're not
a great person, but I do like you. So if
that is the case, how do we honor someone else's
decision when we disagree with it. That's what I really
think this is about, because we've seen situations where our
(06:36):
friends or family members or whoever, are in a dating
situation that's just not good for them, and they continue
to pursue it. I am here to tell you that
people don't pursue one hundred percent bad relationships. They are
getting something from it. You don't see the totality of
the relationship. You see a piece, You see a portion,
(06:57):
and you may be wondering, oh, he's cheated on everybody else. Well,
he might give a really good foot rub, he is
a wonderful back massage, or he's very funny. I don't know,
you know, but there's something there, because she wouldn't be
pursuing nothing. So as you're thinking about, oh my gosh,
this guy is, you know, not for her. She shouldn't
(07:20):
be interested. She's being wooed in some sort of way
by something. So how do we allow this adult woman
to decide who she can have fun with? How do
we sort of look but don't watch, you know, because
sometimes we want to be in relationship with the person,
and it could be really, you know, self honoring for
(07:43):
us to say, hey, maybe I don't need to hear
about the details of your escapades, or hey I hear
you're having fun with this person, but I don't want
to be pulled into it. Like you have the right
to say those things. It is within you know, your power,
or to set some parameters about how she talks about
(08:03):
this situation with you, But of course you cannot stop
her from having it. It sounds like you've cautioned her
maybe enough, you know, you've said, don't touch the stove,
don't touch the soulve hot, and she's got the information
and now she is deciding that she wants to continue
with this. So how do we honor her request to
(08:25):
do that? When we are in a relationship with a person,
we cannot make their decisions for them. I remember some
time ago I had a friend who had a friend
and she didn't like the way that this person's other
friends was treating them right, and so it was like,
oh my gosh, this person is not nice to my friend.
(08:48):
And I'm like, you know, I think that's your friend's business, Like,
I don't know what they're getting from that relationship with
this other person where you're seeing all, you know, these
peoples like mean girls. But your friend is still in
it and remained in it for many, many years, and
so it's really hard for us on the outside looking
in to say, oh, you're not getting anything from this dynamic,
(09:10):
leave this person alone. And it's they're getting something. I
don't know what that thing is, but your friend does.
And maybe she can't put her finger on it, maybe
she's unable to communicate it, but there is something there.
So respecting the boundary of you know, she's allowed to
make a choice for her life, even if it's a
bad choice. Let's take a quick break and we'll come
(09:33):
back and finish listening.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
My boyfriend ended up telling his brother to stop even
having discussions with her via text, and that actually stops,
and I'm under the impression that it stops with the
other guy as well. Fast forward to New Year's which
is about three months later, and I find out that
she's still been talking to the best friend and has
been lying to me for three months. I will say
that our relationship imediately changed because I can deal with
(10:01):
a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them.
I will be honest and say that this was the
type of heartbreak that I'd never had to deal with.
This happened about fifteen months ago. I think we've tried
to repair the relationship, but it's just not there. My
boyfriend decided to cancel the friendship he had with his
best friend because he had directly asked him not to
(10:23):
approach my best friend, and he did via Instagram, which
was the start of the connection between those two. My
boyfriend knew that my best friend didn't need any drama
or nonsense and that it would probably cause a rift
between us us being me and my man if shit
went left, which was very likely to happen based on
all of his past history. So here we are months later.
(10:46):
She's gone back and forth with this guy. She said
she doesn't want to date anyone with young kids, and
he has young kids.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Hmm. There is a high level of involvement here from
you and your boyfriend on behalf of your friends and
who they can date and how they can't date this
best friend, and how they can't date this brother, and
it's you know, it's giving middleman. It's a lot of
middleman and these whole dating dynamics. And I get it,
(11:17):
you're friends with you know, this person, and you want
to make sure they're getting into you know, certain types
of dynamics. But I think it's out of your control.
As you can see, like they're going behind your back.
They're dming each other, like people are figuring out a
way to be in contact with each other.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
You know.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
I recall a situation where there was a person who
was dating someone's family member and they were like, oh
my gosh, I don't want my family member dating my friend.
And it's kind of like what can you do to
stop it? You know? I think it becomes awkward for them,
you know, years down the line if it doesn't work
out and now they have to be at this thing together.
It's kind of like, well that's what you get, Like,
(12:00):
you know, you blur the lines like this is something
you'll have to deal with. It's not for me to
protect you against. Like the natural consequence of working or
being in the same space as the ex will be
in play if this this stuff doesn't work out, and
so inserting yourself and inserting your boyfriend into it. What
happens is you all end up ruining your friendships. Now
(12:22):
you don't have a best friend, Now he doesn't have
a best friend. All because we're trying to tell these
adults what they can and can't do and their dating relationships.
And you know, they're rebelling. They're saying, actually, I can
date whoever I want to date, and I'll just do
it behind your back. You know, A really hard truth
(12:44):
here is when we don't allow people to be honest
with us, they will lie, they will be dishonest, they
will sneak, they will do things behind our back. They
will omit because we have shown them this is not
a space for you to share and be open about
this thing I rejected. So if you want honesty in
(13:06):
this relationship, it can be really important to allow the
person to express whatever they're feeling, whatever is going on
with them, without you having any judgment or feedback about it.
And I know that's really hard. You know, sometimes I
think kids can benefit from that. You know, sometimes as
parents we get so busy with rejecting. There, you can't
(13:28):
get a tattoo too, you're too young for such and such. Well,
let's explore the tattoo let's explore you wanting this pigeon
on your arm. Okay, what will the pigeon do? What
will it look like? Okay? So what happens when you
get a job and they say we can't have any
birds in here and you have a pigeon on your arm.
I don't know, but you know you talk to people
(13:49):
about the idea. You're not saying like, hey, you can
go get your bird tattoo. Now, no, you can't get
your bird tattoo. However, I want to know what you're thinking.
Say it out loud, because sometimes people can talk themselves
out of bad decisions just by talking about it, just
by being given some questions. Even asking your friend like
(14:12):
what are you looking for in dating relationships right now?
That might explain the whole situation to you. I'm just
looking to have a little bit of chaos and fun.
I'm just looking for someone to text me good morning,
gorgeous every morning. I'm just looking for someone to laugh with.
Those things are really important, so the seriousness of the
(14:34):
relationship may not matter. But just talking through that with
someone and not necessarily considering, you know, all of these
really serious things, I think you have her best interests
at her, however, you know, should she be able to decide,
I would say, yes, you know, I think this, Please
(14:56):
let me date me, Please let me date any idiot
I want to date, Like there's just some freedom in
being able to choose what you do in live, what
you wear, who you date, what you you know, your car,
and you know all of these things, and you know,
hopefully I learn very quickly like, oh, well, not a
(15:16):
good match. But sometimes we don't. And we need that
part of the lesson learning too. We don't need people
to just give us the Z before we do the X.
So let's see how this plays out.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
And I realized that I have never been friends with
her as a single person, and I feel like a
lot of her actions have been very messy out of
all of the men that she could deal with the
fact that she was texting my boyfriend's brother in the
same week she started texting his best friend. It hasn't
sat right with me, and it has caused a large
elephant in our relationship. We've had some sit downs on it.
(15:53):
But what makes me upset is the fact that she
doesn't take ownership of how messy this has been for
her best friend. It also reeks of a weird codependency.
In my opinion, out of all of the people in
North Carolina, this is what you're choosing to do. Anyways.
I guess I'm trying to figure out if it's okay
to take a break from this friendship which might be temporary,
(16:14):
or I'm realizing this could be a permanent ending. I
just don't feel the same about the friendship any longer.
I'm just looking for advice and how to move forward.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Sometimes we learn things about our friends and people we
would rather not know. And I'll tell you you know,
this discovery that we have about people is what kept
me off of Facebook personally for many years. I just
did not want to know certain things about people. For
one year from two thousand and nine to twenty ten,
(16:51):
I use Facebook personally, and the things I discover it
was just alarming. I'm like, I did not know you
had this many issues with your boyfriend. Every time I
see you while you're so happy, Like it was just
information overload. And so I decided I don't want to
know these things about these people, and I opted out.
(17:14):
I will not follow you on I'm going to leave
the platform. That's how serious I was about not wanting
to know things, and you know, I think you know,
you don't have to be that extreme with it. That's
just one way, but it could be you know, maybe
saying to a person that even your boyfriend, if he's
sharing this information with you, even saying to him like,
(17:37):
I don't want to know more, please don't tell me anything.
It's like telling someone not to tell you the ending
of the movie. I don't want to know, Please don't
tell me. Sometimes not knowing something is really a way
to be in relationship with people. When they say ignorant
is bliss, this is the ignorance like I don't want
to know about how you date and what you have
(18:00):
going on because it kind of makes me think of
you in a way that I haven't thought of you
in terms of who you are as a person. And
so it's really odd. Now here's the thing that's really
hard for some of us to admit. Are we defending
our friends because they're are friends. Are we holding them
(18:25):
to a high standard? Are we being honest about who
they are? Because let's face it, sometimes we're in relationships
with people and they come back and they're like, oh
my gosh, this person did this, and this person was wild,
and they blah blah blah, And you're ignoring the fact
that this person has experienced this many times with other people,
(18:47):
and it's likely that they are the culprit. You're ignoring
the fact that they've shown up in a certain way
in your life. And so you may say like, oh
my gosh, you know this is so weird that they're
in this dynamic, But it is something about them putting
them in this dynamic. So I would say, what are
the clues, what are the other things that you can
(19:09):
pull from your relationship with this person to better explain
what they're experiencing right now for you in particular, you know,
if you were my client, would I would ask you,
what does this have to do with you? What is
who she's dating? And you know all this mess she's
(19:32):
going with, What does this have to do with you?
How is this your stuff? And if you can share
with me like she's my best friend, I imagine to
go like she's my best friend. Yes, she is not
your possession, she is your best friend. You have other friends.
I'm sure, how does this impact you outside of what
(19:57):
you think about what she's doing, which we've already taught
you can just kind of be you could choose to
be out of the loop, right, Like, I just don't
need to hear more, I don't need to see more.
Please turn your phone face down. I don't even want
to see your text.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Right?
Speaker 1 (20:10):
Is this something that you should be trying to manage?
I hear you mentioning codependency, But is it co dependent
of us to try to control people's relationships with others?
I would say a little bit. You know, maybe there
is a little codependency in that that we're trying to
(20:33):
manage what they can do in other relationships, what they
can experience in other relationships, particularly those that aren't abusive. Right,
we're talking about people having, you know, some level of openness,
and I assume sex and fun and all of these things,
but maybe nothing serious is happening here. Maybe everybody is
(20:55):
aware of what's happening, and you are the person who's
saying no, no, you should find yourself a great guy
and you know, be monogamous with him. You need someone
serious for your daughter, and you know all of these things.
Is that her intention? So for you, I would say,
how do you manage the codependency that you have in
(21:17):
this relationship with your best friend, How do you explore
how knowing these sort of things has impacted your relationship
with this person? And most importantly, how do you learn
to manage your side of the street your stuff? This
is not your stuff, This is your friend's stuff. How
(21:40):
do you manage your stuff? Your stuff would be your opinions,
your thoughts, your feelings. That's all your stuff. What she's
doing is her stuff. How do you manage the parts
of this that you can actually control? You cannot control
her dating situation. As we listen to this, you know,
(22:02):
I was just thinking about how our relationships can be
ruined by sometimes knowing too much about people or trying
to help them with problems that they don't even think
they have. We're like telling them, hey, here's your problem,
and here's how to fix it. And they're like, no, no,
I'm fine, this is great. It's like telling your neighbor
(22:24):
who has tall grass and loves it that they need
to cut their grass. It's like, no, I actually like
it this way when I have all those dandelions.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
It's like you're telling a person a problem that they
don't have. This is a problem for you. It may
not be a problem for this other person you need
to hear this. It is really important for us to
figure out when we're in a situation with someone, how
(22:56):
are we involved, what is my business and what is
their business? How do I manage what's mine and how
do I support them in managing what's theirs. Last year,
we had a podcast where we answered some of your
shorter questions, and I'd love to do that again. So
(23:19):
if you have a question that is short that we
can answer along with two or three others, please submit
it to be featured on an upcoming podcast. You need
to hear This is an iHeart production hosted by me
Nedra Glover to wob Our executive producer is Joel Baldique.
(23:42):
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships that you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
to it and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this. Talk to you next time.
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