May 13, 2024 • 13 mins
Dear Steve and Shirley, I’m 51 year old married woman and I’ve been with my husband for 7 years. We met at a rap concert while picking up our daughters who were both 16 at the time. He and I started talking about how we shouldn’t have let our daughters go unchaperoned. My daughter and her friends came out first and he got my number before I walked away. We instantly clicked and he proposed after a year of dating..................
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Time now for today's Strawberry Letter. And if you need
advice and relationships, dating, work, sex, parenting and more, please
submit to your Strawberry Letter to Steve HARVEYFM dot com
and click submit Strawberry Letter. We could be reading your
letter live on the air, just like we're going to
read this one right here, right now. You never know.
It could be yours, could be could be. Buckle up
(00:22):
and hold on tight. We got it for you here.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
It is the Strawberry Letter.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Thank you, nephew. My children are inconvenient is the subject.
Dear Stephen Shirley. I'm fifty one years old. I'm a
married woman and I've been with my husband for seven years.
We met at a rap concert while picking up our daughters,
who were both sixteen at the time. He and I
started talking about how we shouldn't have let our daughters
(00:47):
go on chaperone. My daughter and her friends came out first,
and he got my number before I walked away. We
instantly clicked and he proposed a year. After a year.
After a year of dating, our daughters didn't know each other,
so they demanded separate bedrooms. As we struggled to blend
our families after marriage, right now. We live with two
(01:09):
twenty three year old women, and he has a son
that is nineteen, and he comes and goes as he pleases.
When he breaks up with this girl, he's back on
our couch for a few weeks. All of our bedrooms,
all of our closets, and two storage rooms have been
taken over by grown children. My husband and I are
a decent couple, and my man works hard, and so
(01:30):
do I. We brought our children up in the church,
and we made sure they went to college. All three
of them dropped out. Our girls smoke weed, and I'm
sure our son does too, but he's just better at
hiding it. The girls smoke in our backyard, and the
neighbors used to complain, but now they just accept it
like we do. I talk to my husband about us
(01:53):
selling our house and downsizing to a condo so these
freeloaders won't have any space, but he's got a soft
spot for these grown, lazy women. I want to redo
our kitchen and den, but I refuse to make our
home nicer until the freeloaders leave. I don't feel bad
for them, because they're a major inconvenience. At this point,
they have no way to take care of themselves if
(02:15):
we put them out. What can we do to get
these grown ups out of here? Wow, this is a
really sad letter. Smoking weed in the backyard not working.
This has got to stop right now. Okay, and downsizing
to a nice condo sounds really nice. And I got
(02:35):
to ask whereas their mother, She probably doesn't let them
take advantage of her space like you. Guys, You and
your husband have to present some sort of united front.
I know you said your husband has a soft spot,
but you all got to get this together so you
can talk to these entitle, spoiled kids. You got to
let them know things are about to change. The free
rides over. You got to set a deadline for them
(02:57):
to get it together and get out. Need jobs, they
need apartments so they can get out as soon as possible.
They should start looking now. You as parents are enabling them.
That's what you're doing. These kids have no incentive to
get out. They have free meals, free room and board.
They can smoke weed whenever they want to. You guys,
(03:18):
don't say anything. I mean, what's their incentive to leave?
I mean, the sun does have a place to live,
so you definitely shouldn't be letting him come and go
as he pleases. I know you love your kids. We
all love our kids, but there does come a time
when we have to let go so they can spread
their wings and get started on their own path, on
(03:39):
their own journey. They'll figure it out. They will figure
it out as we all did, and they'll thank you later.
All right, but you've got to tell them to get
out now. Set that deadline and stick to it. You
and your husband together as a couple, Steve.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
All of us only show that have adult children know
what this lets about. And we're sick of this type
of letter. We feel for you, we understand you, we
empathize with you. But at the same time, I've had
to do some things. Now, let me tell you something.
It ain't all these because I'm all through this letter.
(04:16):
I had blended family all this here, so you know,
here we go. Y'all met at a rap concert. Both
y'all sixteen year old daughters. Was at the concert. Y'all
met waiting on them to come outside. Your daughters came
out first with her friends. You all clicked. He asked
for your number before you walked away. A year later,
you all were married. Your daughters who are both sixteen,
(04:39):
didn't really know each other, so they demanded separate bedrooms.
As we struggled to blend our families after marriage. Blending
the family's not easy, especially the older they get, the
more opinionated they are, and they have personalities, and they
not necessarily would have been friends. They just became family.
The thing with family is you don't get to pick
(04:59):
your family. You do get to pick your friends. So
when you throw them into this situation, it is going
to be some difficulties. Right now, after seven years, you
live with two twenty three year old women, and yeah,
as a son that is nineteen, come and go as
he pleases. He break up with his girlfriend, he's back
on our couch for a few weeks. All of our bedrooms,
(05:22):
all of our clauses, two stores rooms have been taking
up our grown children. My husband and I have a
decent couple, and my man works hard and so do I.
It's just so much going wrong in this letter. First
of all, they've been at y'all's house way too long.
Now I'm off of you a solution when we come back,
But let me say this first, we brought our children
up into church. Okay, so much for that so much
(05:47):
for that. I don't even know why you put that
in there. I don't know. I don't know. I don't
know if that was supposed to change something. Because you
bought them up in the church, you can bring them
up in the church, and you can bring them up
in the club when they ain't doing what they supposed
to do. They ain't doing what they supposed to do,
and we made sure they went to college. All three
of them dropped out. Okay, so now you're making adult
(06:11):
decisions on your own, then it is time for adult
consequences when I come back to me. This whole letter
is about consequences and you have to allow and I've
learned this as a parent. You have to allow for
the consequences to occur. It's the only way they're gonna learn.
(06:34):
And it's not consequences that you inflict. It's consequences that
happen from their decisions. We'll go over this when I
come back.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
Hang on, Steve. We'll have part two of your response
coming up at twenty three minutes after the hour subject
my children are inconvenient. We'll get back into it right
after this. You're listening Steve Harvey Morning Show all right,
Come on, Steve, let's recap today's strawberry letter. My children
are in convenient.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Well, well, well, well ain't they all? Sometimes your children
get on your last damn nerve. Oh they don't think
they do, but they do. And guess what the good
news is They children gonna get on they damn nerves
too now and then. So that's how I've been. I'll
(07:26):
be looking at my son with kids nine, he'd be
talking to me. I don't even be listening ahead the time,
don't be listening whatever. Whatever you was that same damn.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Problem I tried to tell you to me.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
So now we got these couple that gotten married. They
have two daughters. At sixteen, they blended a family. They're
having difficulties. The daughters demanded each separate bedrooms. They struggle
with their marriage. You got a nineteen year old boy
that comes and go when he please. If he break
up with his girlfriend, he back on their couch for
a few weeks. All bedrooms and closets and storages take
(08:02):
it up by grown children. And you all all decent couple,
you and your husband. Y'all raised your kids in church,
which whatever, anyway, we made sure they went to college.
Now all three of the kids have decided to drop
out of college. This is where your consequences have to begin.
The one thing I've taught my children is this, the
(08:23):
older you get, the more die of the consequences. See,
you can make the mistakes at a child and then
your parents will help you. But the older you get,
my man, the more die of the consequences. And I'm
not gonna stop the consequences from happening to you. So
once they decided to drop out of college, then guess
what they needed to develop then was a plan of
(08:45):
action since you don't want to go to college, but
they ain't have one, and you all didn't allow them
to have one because you all let them come back
to the home. Now all three of them there dropped out,
and now they smoking weed. And you sure your son
does too. He just better at hiding it. The girls
smoke weed in y'all's backyard, and the neighbors used to complain,
but now they just accept it, like we do. Really
(09:07):
seem to me, like you need some rules at your house. See,
you can stay here, but these are the rules at
our house. You can't smoke weed in the backyard. It's
no longer acceptable, and if you smoke weed in the backyard,
we're gonna put you out. But they ain't got no consequences,
so they do what they want to do. Now, you
say you've talked to your husband about selling your house
(09:31):
and downsizing so you can get rid of these freeloaders
because they won't have any space. But he got a
soft spot for these grown lazy women. I'm assuming that
you don't. That's why you wrote the letter. You want
to redo your kitchen and den, but you don't want
to make the place nicer until the freeloaders leave. I
don't feel bad for them because they have a major inconvenience.
(09:52):
At this point, they have no way to take care
of themselves. This is where you and I have a problem.
They have no way to take care of themselves. Well,
that's not true. They do have a way, once they
have to find a way. I'm gonna repeat that, they
(10:13):
do have a way once they have to find a way.
But as Shirley said, you've enabled them, so now they
ain't got to find a way. We're in the backyard
smoking weed. We got a roof over our head, we
got some neat and we can get around. So what
do we need to do anything for if we put
(10:35):
them out, what can they they excuse me, I'm sorry.
We have no way to take They have no way
to get care of themselves if we put them out.
What can we do to get these grown ups out
of here? First of all, you need to set a deadline.
That's for starters. You all have six months to find
a job. Whoever doesn't have a job will be staying
(10:59):
with the water one that does have a job. But
everybody got six months to find a job. Secondly, you
and your husband stop cooking at home and y'all go
out to dinner. I don't care if it's to go
up to Popeyes, I don't give a damn. If it's
a go get salad that Wendy's a bar salad bar.
(11:19):
I don't give a damn. If it's go to Gym
and Nicks, I don't care what it is. Y'all need
to stop cooking. Starve they ass out. See stop making conveniences. Yeap,
So stop cooking, go out to dinner. Set a deadline,
and then they have to realize consequences. You have to
(11:40):
allow life to hand them what they putting in. See
you get out of life what you put in. So
if you don't allow your kids to suffer consequences, Daddy,
can I borrow some money what you need? And then
they tell me, I'm under no obligation to give you
the money. It depends on what's happening in your life.
(12:04):
And I'm telling you right now, for the most part,
I forced them to figure it out. I forced them
to figure it out. And you know what, they go do?
They go and figure it out because you know what
we all did. We all struggle to give our kids
a better life than the one we had. And in
(12:27):
that process, you all, we created a safety net for
them that we didn't have. And so now guess what
they do. They keep diving and laying in the damn
net and that's all they do because they think they
smart and they take advantage of the safety net. You
have to remove the net. I'm sorry. It's the only
(12:52):
way to make it happen and let them figure it out.
That's the only way to do it. Deadline, you gotta
get your ass.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Out, that's right, Steve. Post your comments on Today's Strawberry
Letter at Steve Harvey FM on Instagram and Facebook. Check
out the Strawberry Letter podcast on demand. You're listening to
Harvey Morning Show.
Time now for today's Strawberry Letter. And if you need
advice and relationships, dating, work, sex, parenting and more, please
submit to your Strawberry Letter to Steve HARVEYFM dot com
and click submit Strawberry Letter. We could be reading your
letter live on the air, just like we're going to
read this one right here, right now. You never know.
It could be yours, could be could be. Buckle up
(00:22):
and hold on tight. We got it for you here.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
It is the Strawberry Letter.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Thank you, nephew. My children are inconvenient is the subject.
Dear Stephen Shirley. I'm fifty one years old. I'm a
married woman and I've been with my husband for seven years.
We met at a rap concert while picking up our daughters,
who were both sixteen at the time. He and I
started talking about how we shouldn't have let our daughters
(00:47):
go on chaperone. My daughter and her friends came out first,
and he got my number before I walked away. We
instantly clicked and he proposed a year. After a year.
After a year of dating, our daughters didn't know each other,
so they demanded separate bedrooms. As we struggled to blend
our families after marriage, right now. We live with two
(01:09):
twenty three year old women, and he has a son
that is nineteen, and he comes and goes as he pleases.
When he breaks up with this girl, he's back on
our couch for a few weeks. All of our bedrooms,
all of our closets, and two storage rooms have been
taken over by grown children. My husband and I are
a decent couple, and my man works hard, and so
(01:30):
do I. We brought our children up in the church,
and we made sure they went to college. All three
of them dropped out. Our girls smoke weed, and I'm
sure our son does too, but he's just better at
hiding it. The girls smoke in our backyard, and the
neighbors used to complain, but now they just accept it
like we do. I talk to my husband about us
(01:53):
selling our house and downsizing to a condo so these
freeloaders won't have any space, but he's got a soft
spot for these grown, lazy women. I want to redo
our kitchen and den, but I refuse to make our
home nicer until the freeloaders leave. I don't feel bad
for them, because they're a major inconvenience. At this point,
they have no way to take care of themselves if
(02:15):
we put them out. What can we do to get
these grown ups out of here? Wow, this is a
really sad letter. Smoking weed in the backyard not working.
This has got to stop right now. Okay, and downsizing
to a nice condo sounds really nice. And I got
(02:35):
to ask whereas their mother, She probably doesn't let them
take advantage of her space like you. Guys, You and
your husband have to present some sort of united front.
I know you said your husband has a soft spot,
but you all got to get this together so you
can talk to these entitle, spoiled kids. You got to
let them know things are about to change. The free
rides over. You got to set a deadline for them
(02:57):
to get it together and get out. Need jobs, they
need apartments so they can get out as soon as possible.
They should start looking now. You as parents are enabling them.
That's what you're doing. These kids have no incentive to
get out. They have free meals, free room and board.
They can smoke weed whenever they want to. You guys,
(03:18):
don't say anything. I mean, what's their incentive to leave?
I mean, the sun does have a place to live,
so you definitely shouldn't be letting him come and go
as he pleases. I know you love your kids. We
all love our kids, but there does come a time
when we have to let go so they can spread
their wings and get started on their own path, on
(03:39):
their own journey. They'll figure it out. They will figure
it out as we all did, and they'll thank you later.
All right, but you've got to tell them to get
out now. Set that deadline and stick to it. You
and your husband together as a couple, Steve.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
All of us only show that have adult children know
what this lets about. And we're sick of this type
of letter. We feel for you, we understand you, we
empathize with you. But at the same time, I've had
to do some things. Now, let me tell you something.
It ain't all these because I'm all through this letter.
(04:16):
I had blended family all this here, so you know,
here we go. Y'all met at a rap concert. Both
y'all sixteen year old daughters. Was at the concert. Y'all
met waiting on them to come outside. Your daughters came
out first with her friends. You all clicked. He asked
for your number before you walked away. A year later,
you all were married. Your daughters who are both sixteen,
(04:39):
didn't really know each other, so they demanded separate bedrooms.
As we struggled to blend our families after marriage. Blending
the family's not easy, especially the older they get, the
more opinionated they are, and they have personalities, and they
not necessarily would have been friends. They just became family.
The thing with family is you don't get to pick
(04:59):
your family. You do get to pick your friends. So
when you throw them into this situation, it is going
to be some difficulties. Right now, after seven years, you
live with two twenty three year old women, and yeah,
as a son that is nineteen, come and go as
he pleases. He break up with his girlfriend, he's back
on our couch for a few weeks. All of our bedrooms,
(05:22):
all of our clauses, two stores rooms have been taking
up our grown children. My husband and I have a
decent couple, and my man works hard and so do I.
It's just so much going wrong in this letter. First
of all, they've been at y'all's house way too long.
Now I'm off of you a solution when we come back,
But let me say this first, we brought our children
up into church. Okay, so much for that so much
(05:47):
for that. I don't even know why you put that
in there. I don't know. I don't know. I don't
know if that was supposed to change something. Because you
bought them up in the church, you can bring them
up in the church, and you can bring them up
in the club when they ain't doing what they supposed
to do. They ain't doing what they supposed to do,
and we made sure they went to college. All three
of them dropped out. Okay, so now you're making adult
(06:11):
decisions on your own, then it is time for adult
consequences when I come back to me. This whole letter
is about consequences and you have to allow and I've
learned this as a parent. You have to allow for
the consequences to occur. It's the only way they're gonna learn.
(06:34):
And it's not consequences that you inflict. It's consequences that
happen from their decisions. We'll go over this when I
come back.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
Hang on, Steve. We'll have part two of your response
coming up at twenty three minutes after the hour subject
my children are inconvenient. We'll get back into it right
after this. You're listening Steve Harvey Morning Show all right,
Come on, Steve, let's recap today's strawberry letter. My children
are in convenient.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Well, well, well, well ain't they all? Sometimes your children
get on your last damn nerve. Oh they don't think
they do, but they do. And guess what the good
news is They children gonna get on they damn nerves
too now and then. So that's how I've been. I'll
(07:26):
be looking at my son with kids nine, he'd be
talking to me. I don't even be listening ahead the time,
don't be listening whatever. Whatever you was that same damn.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Problem I tried to tell you to me.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
So now we got these couple that gotten married. They
have two daughters. At sixteen, they blended a family. They're
having difficulties. The daughters demanded each separate bedrooms. They struggle
with their marriage. You got a nineteen year old boy
that comes and go when he please. If he break
up with his girlfriend, he back on their couch for
a few weeks. All bedrooms and closets and storages take
(08:02):
it up by grown children. And you all all decent couple,
you and your husband. Y'all raised your kids in church,
which whatever, anyway, we made sure they went to college.
Now all three of the kids have decided to drop
out of college. This is where your consequences have to begin.
The one thing I've taught my children is this, the
(08:23):
older you get, the more die of the consequences. See,
you can make the mistakes at a child and then
your parents will help you. But the older you get,
my man, the more die of the consequences. And I'm
not gonna stop the consequences from happening to you. So
once they decided to drop out of college, then guess
what they needed to develop then was a plan of
(08:45):
action since you don't want to go to college, but
they ain't have one, and you all didn't allow them
to have one because you all let them come back
to the home. Now all three of them there dropped out,
and now they smoking weed. And you sure your son
does too. He just better at hiding it. The girls
smoke weed in y'all's backyard, and the neighbors used to complain,
but now they just accept it, like we do. Really
(09:07):
seem to me, like you need some rules at your house. See,
you can stay here, but these are the rules at
our house. You can't smoke weed in the backyard. It's
no longer acceptable, and if you smoke weed in the backyard,
we're gonna put you out. But they ain't got no consequences,
so they do what they want to do. Now, you
say you've talked to your husband about selling your house
(09:31):
and downsizing so you can get rid of these freeloaders
because they won't have any space. But he got a
soft spot for these grown lazy women. I'm assuming that
you don't. That's why you wrote the letter. You want
to redo your kitchen and den, but you don't want
to make the place nicer until the freeloaders leave. I
don't feel bad for them because they have a major inconvenience.
(09:52):
At this point, they have no way to take care
of themselves. This is where you and I have a problem.
They have no way to take care of themselves. Well,
that's not true. They do have a way, once they
have to find a way. I'm gonna repeat that, they
(10:13):
do have a way once they have to find a way.
But as Shirley said, you've enabled them, so now they
ain't got to find a way. We're in the backyard
smoking weed. We got a roof over our head, we
got some neat and we can get around. So what
do we need to do anything for if we put
(10:35):
them out, what can they they excuse me, I'm sorry.
We have no way to take They have no way
to get care of themselves if we put them out.
What can we do to get these grown ups out
of here? First of all, you need to set a deadline.
That's for starters. You all have six months to find
a job. Whoever doesn't have a job will be staying
(10:59):
with the water one that does have a job. But
everybody got six months to find a job. Secondly, you
and your husband stop cooking at home and y'all go
out to dinner. I don't care if it's to go
up to Popeyes, I don't give a damn. If it's
a go get salad that Wendy's a bar salad bar.
(11:19):
I don't give a damn. If it's go to Gym
and Nicks, I don't care what it is. Y'all need
to stop cooking. Starve they ass out. See stop making conveniences. Yeap,
So stop cooking, go out to dinner. Set a deadline,
and then they have to realize consequences. You have to
(11:40):
allow life to hand them what they putting in. See
you get out of life what you put in. So
if you don't allow your kids to suffer consequences, Daddy,
can I borrow some money what you need? And then
they tell me, I'm under no obligation to give you
the money. It depends on what's happening in your life.
(12:04):
And I'm telling you right now, for the most part,
I forced them to figure it out. I forced them
to figure it out. And you know what, they go do?
They go and figure it out because you know what
we all did. We all struggle to give our kids
a better life than the one we had. And in
(12:27):
that process, you all, we created a safety net for
them that we didn't have. And so now guess what
they do. They keep diving and laying in the damn
net and that's all they do because they think they
smart and they take advantage of the safety net. You
have to remove the net. I'm sorry. It's the only
(12:52):
way to make it happen and let them figure it out.
That's the only way to do it. Deadline, you gotta
get your ass.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Out, that's right, Steve. Post your comments on Today's Strawberry
Letter at Steve Harvey FM on Instagram and Facebook. Check
out the Strawberry Letter podcast on demand. You're listening to
Harvey Morning Show.
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