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May 3, 2023 12 mins
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(00:00):
Yeah, tolcom about it. Yeah, they talk better than they say.
These are the radio blogs on theFriend Show. You know, we didn't
discuss this ahead of time, Butwho wants to do one? Are you
going to do one? All right, Calen, we'll get that boom just
like that I got. You're sowell organized around here, super fantastic.
Yeah, please take it away.So, dear blog, So I am

(00:20):
asking you a question in this blog, which I will say first, but
don't say your answer yet because Iknow what you guys are going to say.
But let me just explain. Sois there ever a time when you
can advise someone not to get married? Okay, so that is my question?
Is there ever a world? Sothere is someone in my life that

(00:42):
is getting married, and it isnot the bachelotte that I was just on
or the wedding I'm going to nextweek. And I want to be very
clear because if my friends are listening, they're gonna be like, what the
hell it is? Not? Butsomeone close to me is expressing a lot
of very concerning feelings prior to theirwedding, and I watch everybody around me

(01:04):
make this person feel better by saying, you just have cold feet, You
just have cold feet, which Ifeel like is what everyone says, but
sometimes it seems like there's like realproblems that may not be cold feet.
There's not a lot of excitement aboutthe wedding. There's another party that we're

(01:25):
starting to think about that maybe there'ssome regret with the way that ended,
a lot of fear, which Ithink is normal, a lot of like
really heavy emotions. And you guysknow me, it's really hard for me
to hear those things and then picturethis person going through with this and then

(01:48):
being really really unhappy. And Ifeel like with the concerns being expressed,
it doesn't sound like just cold feetto me. If you say something,
you had to be prepared to losethe friendship entire yep. And so I
feel like I feel like you justit's not for you. You just can't,
Like it's not for you to tellsomeone else they can't get married just
because you are concerned because you seethe signs, Like you can't you can't

(02:12):
like it because it probably won't workanyway. Like I don't think you can
go to someone and tell them don'tmake this major life decision because because inevitably,
almost inevitably, they won't do it, And then you're the person who's
even though you're trying to do theright thing and you have the best intentions,
you're the one who said, don'tdo it. Even though they claim
to'll be looking for advice. Theydon't really want to hear that. Nobody

(02:36):
really wants to hear don't do it. Rufy, we did it my friends
and I Jess like one of herbest she was a Jess was a maid
of honor for this wedding, andwe all told her that she was.
She was the same situation, Likeshe's like, I don't think I could
do it, Like we're like thisyeah, Like like she's like during Jess's
bacherette party, this this girl wasall about like I don't like I don't

(03:00):
know if he's like you know,we're engaged, but I don't know if
this is the guy I want tomarry. Like we all told her,
like no one was excited for thiswedding. We all did the wedding less
than a year. They got divorcedless than a year. Then they had
to split. They spend all themoney in a house, everything like that,
But like I just that's gonna it'sgonna play its course, like they're
gonna make that decision on their end. They have to. Nobody's saying don't

(03:23):
unless it's my mom. And evenif it's my mom, if she's like,
don't do it, I don't go. I'm not okay, I'm calling
the whole thing off. I'm notdoing it. I'm probably gonna do it.
And then if it doesn't work,well, then maybe they were right.
If it does work, well,now you were a naysayer. Yeah,
for the rest of our lives.So, like when she brings up
this other love of hers that she'shad in her life, When I say,

(03:46):
what about just exploring you know,if I even said or did you
ever think of exploring that or whatever, She's like, what and just lose
my whole life and all my friends. So so essentially it sounds like she's
in this because a lot of herfriends are through her fiance, a lot
of her life is. And like, when I hear answers like that,
that's really concerning for me, andas someone who loves this person, you

(04:10):
know, it's just it's really beendifficult for me not to just straight up
be like I've suggested therapy, I'vesent therapists to try to be like maybe
they will be able to work throughthis. It's just really different. I
think you're doing all you can do, Kalin, I really do. And
I think you know you have agood heart and you have a lot of
empathy, but it's not up toyou to save these people. It's not
up to you to save anybody.Well, you're gonna make me cry,

(04:30):
because that's what my mom and therapisttold me all the time. But I
mean, I just because it windsup having a negative impact on you and
potentially put you in a negative lighteven though you're just trying to help.
Yeah, I mean, we alsotry to look at it and we try
to tell like in a financial standpoint, like you're you're paying for like a
sixty thousand dollar wedding. You couldyou could break off half, like you
lose your deposits stuff, but you'regonna go through with this and you're gonna

(04:54):
lose all that money. Just makesno sense. Which, by the way,
they've pushed back a ton of times, the wedding and change the loka
and it's all been her, Well, then they should know like she knows
why. That's why thing. I'mshocked at the number of people who are
saying intervene because the fact is shealready knows this. You don't have to
tell her like she knows, andyou telling her might even make her feel

(05:16):
less supportive, even though you're you'rewhat you're trying to do is help her.
When I watch her, like whenI feel like there's a moment where
she knows deep down, I watchall these people who have either been married
or around her go, no,this is normal, this is normal,
and then they can and she's verylike um, easily convinced of things.
I don't I don't really know theright word for that, but like I

(05:40):
watch people convince her out of acry for help, is what I think
is a cry for I watch agroup of girl friends convince my friend who's
impressionable out of feelings that she's she'ssaying because I think she wants someone to
say it. Yeah, yeah,but you can't. Yeah, these are
grown ups like you. You can't. You can't change the trajectory of someone
else's life. Like, it's justit's probably not going to work. And

(06:04):
I think that's only going to causeyou more stress. Now, you could
argue if you don't say and itdoesn't tund like you you've explicitly come out
and said don't do it, butyou have very clearly pointed her towards resources
that will help her work this out. You've done your part as a friend.
Yeah, I mean you can comeout and say don't do it.

(06:24):
I don't think that changes things.It doesn't. She already knows this inside
of her. I don't. Okay, So, by the way, I've
been in a situation where I wasfeeling these types of things, not like
before a wedding. But I wentto my friends later and said, why
didn't ane of you say anything?You guys saw me drowning, and I
didn't know. I thought it wasmy own mental health. It was the

(06:45):
relationship I was in. And Iwas mad at my friends, like I'm
like one of you, and they'relike, okay, well, next time
we'll say something. You know,but your friends. You can't be mad
at your friends for that because ultimatelyyou have to make the decisions for you.
I didn't know what was happening though, sometimes where when you're in it,
you don't know really the reality ofthe situation. I'd rather be the
bad guy and one person like ifeveryone around he's like oh, you just

(07:05):
have cold feet. It's gonna beokay. But you're a friend just needs
that one person to be like,this is not right. It doesn't make
you think about another dude exactly.People as the bad guy that ended a
relationship to and you did right exactly. Yeah. Yeah, but what happens
when you when you're the bad guywho didn't end the relationship because you probably

(07:29):
won't. In your case, youwere the bad guy and they went through
with it anyway, So you werejust a bad guy after. Yeah,
she was just like you guys,you know, like, it's just like
you guys are right, I shouldn'thave done this. I'm like, but
yeah, but Fred's point, sheknows this. That's the hard part because
I feel like, if anything,she needs help within herself, you know
what I mean, she has tobe okay with and you've tried to point
her there. Yeah. So it'sI mean, it's not like I'm not

(07:50):
suggesting you sit back and do nothingat all, but you've done the thing.
You've You've nudged her in the directionof you need to pay attention to
these feelings. You need to maybesome therapy, maybe this and that.
I would say eight times out often, the friend's not going to listen
to you anyway, So why putyourself through that? And then what happens
if it works out? What happensif it really is cold feet and they

(08:11):
work through all this unlikely? Doesn'tsound like it's likely because we can all
see what they can't see, toyour point, but then what happens if
it works out? And now youwere the one to said don't do it.
I know, I know you're onthere, and I don't want to
see her in pain, and butyeah, it's I can't save everyone,
Betty, Betty, what did youwant to say? Good morning, welcome,
Hey, I love you guys.Ever, gay, Karen's feelings are

(08:37):
valid, like she cares about herfriends, and I think valivate her friends.
I'm as part of the conversation becausemy friend was on bluetooth or whatever.
But um, she has with youknow, my feelings or she has
feelings and either she needs to saypod letting take a step back and just

(08:58):
search the feelings though, instead ofjumping into something that dicus. You know,
money and emotional trauma, right,Okay, But Betsy, we all
we know that we're all on thesame page. Here, the question is
is it for us, is itfor other people to intervene in your life?
And is it even going to work? I mean again, be supportive,

(09:18):
be a listener, be available withresources, you know, give your
your feedback, be empathetic. Butlike, I just don't think to say
you cannot do this. I don't. I don't know. Yeah I didn't
say I cannot, but i'd sayif you have the feelings, well maybe
if you're feeling that you should thinkabout following it. Yeah, okay,

(09:43):
yeah, I say, but youknow, if you maybe to stop what
you're doing and before you take aleap. Yeah, thank you Betsy so
much, thank you for that's terrifying. Yeah, Angie, hi Anie,

(10:03):
good morning, Hey friend, Hey, thanks for coling. What do you
want to say? So? Ithink she should say something to her.
I think she should justify her feelings. I don't think that she should Sugar
could anything. As a friend.She needs to hear that, she needs
to hear that her feelings are valid, and she she doesn't have to She
could say she supports her anyway,because ultimately this is her decision. However,

(10:26):
to sit back and just be like, oh, you just have colde
no, No, that's not beinga friend. That's not that's not being
a friend. Yeah. So there'sso many people who jump into these relationships
or marriages and you don't getting intoit and you're not excited. You're about
to be married, right, Yeah, And my friends like, I'm the
honest friend. So I don't thinkanyone would bring anything to me. They

(10:48):
won't bring a boyfriend around me.They won't bring a problem to me unless
they want the honest answer, Likethey know that about me, so I
know I'm exactly Yeah. Oh gosh, thank you, thank you, Angie,
Yes, thank you, thank you. Hey Winter, good morning,
good morning, Hi Winter. Whatdid you want to say? Kennah wants

(11:09):
to know if she should tell herfriend to blow up her whole relationship.
I'm paraphrasing. So I was inthat relationship. I was in a very
toxic relationship. I lost everything likeI lost you. I was And it
wasn't until I had my mom andone of my best friends say you need
to leave or you're going to completelyruin your life. It hurts so much

(11:31):
to hear. But here I amsix months later, and I am so
much better without him. Sometimes likelike it hurts to be that friend.
And I've been that friend too,where I'm like, dude, you've gotta
go, But sometimes it pays offin the long run. You feel horrible
for being that person, but sometimesthat person just needs that push to be

(11:52):
like no, dude, open youreyes and realize what's going on. Okay,
I'm glad you're better too. Yeah, absolutely love that. Thank you
so much, Winter, have agood day. I love you guys.
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