From Blackouts to Barbells: Rebuilding My Life Through Movement

In this episode of Recovering Out Loud, we dive into a raw and honest conversation about relapse, body language, hidden pain, and the transformation that happens when recovery is paired with purpose.

We unpack the moment a friend could see a relapse coming before the person struggling could even admit it. We talk about the shame, denial, and the sixth-sense intuition people in recovery often develop.

From 48-hour blackouts to becoming a coach who helps people rebuild their relationship with movement, she shares how fitness became a powerful anchor in sobriety — but also how it can become obsessive, toxic, and another addiction if we’re not careful.

We explore:
• How childhood pressure + performance can shape addiction
• Why your body language reveals everything you try to hide
• How community workouts mimic recovery meetings
• The rise of steroids, Ozempic, and “fitness as numbing” in sobriety
• Workaholism, burnout, money stress, and staying spiritually grounded
• How to move from extrinsic validation to intrinsic values
• Why recovery is “six garbage cans with five lids”

If you’re navigating sobriety, struggling with body image, stuck in obsessive fitness cycles, or looking for community — this episode is for you.

Listen, share, and join the recovery conversation.
#sober #recovery #addictionrecovery #mentalhealth #fitnessjourney #healing

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
So it had been building for a while, but I think the moment
where I like subconsciously I was like, I am probably an
alcoholic. But the, it was in my, the
summer of 2018 and I went to Oceaga, the music festival.
Yeah. And I blacked out for 24, no, 48
hours, blacked out for 48 hours.It was Friday.

(00:21):
And then that's the last thing Iremember.
It was like Friday at 11 AM and then it it all goes black and
then all of a sudden it's like night time and I'm like, oh,
what are we going to do tomorrow, guys?
And they were like, it's Sunday,like we're leaving and you've
been fucking terrible to deal. With what a bad hangover do we
jump to? Hi there, welcome back or

(00:44):
welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast, the show where we get
real about mental health and addiction.
I'm so glad you're here. If you or someone you love is
struggling with drugs or alcohol, please reach out for
help. Send me a message on all social
media platforms at Recovering Out Loud Pod or by e-mail at

(01:04):
[e-mail]. You are no longer alone.
OK, I want to I have to tell this story.

(01:24):
Before Oh my God. No, it's, it's, it's, it's
embarrassing for me, not for you.
Yeah. So we've been friends for a
while and I saw last time I saw you before the last time I saw
you, which is at a gathering forrecovery us.
A gathering. Yeah, a gathering for recovery.
And we were catching up. And I was like, do you remember
the last time I saw you? And you were like, oh, yeah.

(01:46):
And I was like, in my head, thisis funny.
I want to get your perspective on this, too, because it's
interesting to me. Again, I thought nobody knew
what was going on. So we it was the winter and we
were at another recovery gathering and I saw you.
I hadn't seen you for a while. And I remember saying hi to you
and I remember leaving that gathering early and I went to
the bar and you texted me after and you were like, hey, are you

(02:09):
OK? Is everything?
I thought nothing of that. I was like, oh, she has no idea.
She's just like being a good person, right?
And then I come to see you like a few last week or two weeks ago
and you're like, yo, you did notlook good, bro.
Yeah, it was like, but it was very obvious, like just because,
because I have known you in recovery and I've seen you like

(02:30):
with the light shining through you and you were like, you did
not look like you like your bodylanguage.
You were. So you were like slumped over.
I'd never seen you like slumped over like that.
I've always seen you like very proud and like, and you just,
you were covering your face and you weren't making eye contact.
And that's like, so not like you.
And I was sitting across the room and I saw you sneak in and

(02:53):
like there was just this like second, like sixth sense that
lit up in me. And I was like, he's not OK.
I just knew. I just knew.
But it was all these like telltale signs where that's just
not how you carry yourself when you're well, like, and I don't
mean the general you, I mean like you.
So interesting. I was like, I was going to.
I was like, OK, I'm going to talk to him after.

(03:14):
And then you left, and I was. Like I showed up late and then I
left early. I was.
Like. No, but I appreciate.
But I did try to reach. Yeah, and I appreciate that.
I mean, it's I again, my perspective was you nobody.
You had no idea. Oh, I knew.
You just thought I was going to.I told you some bullshit excuse
too, and I was at the bar and I was in the middle of a relapse.

(03:34):
Right. I knew immediately that you were
not OK. That's so funny, yeah.
And you were like, I'm fine. And I was like, oh.
Yeah, Samantha's OK, pal. I actually had thought in the
back of my mind, I was like, I hope he isn't he.
I either thought that you had relapsed or that you were about
to. I think I was I was in the
middle of it. So I wasn't like that.
I went to a bar right after thatmoment.
I was already decided I was going to the meeting for for

(03:59):
face value for somebody else, showing them that I was, you
know, getting into back on the track of recovery.
And it just goes back to this point of like, man, you cannot
get anybody else sober, right? Or you cannot like you really do
have to want it for yourself. 100%.
So that leads me into your story.
And yeah, thanks for coming down.

(04:19):
I don't know why I didn't ask you earlier.
It's like you're a perfect person for this.
I've known you for a long time and you're a great talker and
communicator. And you also have the light.
I know what you're I totally when you say like the light
shines through people and and that's why I love recovery.
I'm going to shut up in a second.
I bronze. No, I love it.
I love. It I love recovery because you
get to see people that have thatbody language, darkness,

(04:40):
blackness. Yeah.
No soul turn into this lighthouse.
Yeah. Really.
Like truly like a lighthouse, like in the storm and there's
like a big storm going on. And I think for me, like I did
not know that I was in a storm because I grew up.
I'm from Toronto. I grew up in Toronto and I've
been thinking about this a lot recently where when I started

(05:01):
drinking, I truly just thought Iwas having fun.
Like truly because we were watching shows like The OC and
One Tree Hill and they drink excessively and they're in high
school. And I was like, well, I'm just
like mirroring what I'm seeing. I like started out as a binge
drinker in high school, so it was just on the weekends and

(05:22):
then I was really high performing.
So keyword is like performing. Like I knew how to talk the
talk, I knew how to get good grades.
I knew how to get teachers and people to like me.
But like on the inside, I was like suffering.
I was also like a gifted athlete.
I was very gifted and cross country.
And I did all of that, not because I enjoyed it, but

(05:44):
because it got me love and attention.
When I'm born and raised in Toronto, when I was six years
old, it was like me and my mom and my dad.
And then I remember one day, just, like seeing the truck,
like, all packed to the brim, and it was all my dad's stuff.
And even when you're 6, you like, know what's going on.

(06:05):
And I was like, what's going on?Where's Dad going?
And Mom was like, oh, we're going on vacation and Dad's
gonna drive and meet us there. And I was like, OK, cool.
And she and I was like, where wegoing?
She's like, we're going to London, England.
And I was like, how is he gonna drive there?
Isn't there like an ocean? And she was like, don't worry
about it. Like, he's gonna, he'll get
there. And I was like, OK, so we get
there and we don't, we go to a hotel, we go to like an

(06:28):
apartment building. And I, I had been fortunate
enough to travel when I was a kid.
So I, I knew that it wasn't a hotel.
And that's when my, I was like, where's dad?
What's going on? And that's when my mom was like,
hey, so your dad and I aren't together anymore.
And we live here now. So it was like it for me, it was

(06:49):
traumatizing. Like I understand that there are
so many different forms of trauma.
And this is like a privileged form of trauma, but for me as a
six year old child who like literally was ripped, like in my
eyes, I was like ripped away from everything I knew my
friends, my family, my home, my city, like everything.

(07:09):
So that really caused like a lotof anxiety and fear.
And I blacked out that year thatwe lived there.
Like, I don't remember. I was put in therapy and I was
like, I have no idea what's going on.
And we eventually came back to Toronto.
Things were OK. But from then on, I was like
very high strung. Like my emotions were huge.

(07:32):
I couldn't leave my mom's side. I was like big like abandonment
stuff. And I had no idea what was going
on. And I was always just like, I
was just like, when's when's therug gonna get pulled out from
under me? Like, I don't know what's
happening. And that's why I performed so
well because I saw like, OK, people will stick around.
People will like me. People will praise me if I do
XYZ. So that's what I did.

(07:55):
And then in high school when I was 14, I was just doing a lot.
I was like involved in like the leadership council and sports
and I was the grade 9 representative for the
elementary schools. Like I just, I've always been
kind of moved into those like more leadership, front of the
room type roles. But on the inside I'm like, Oh

(08:15):
my God, like so hard. And then I discovered drinking
at a party when I was 14, and I was dared to drink ten shots in
10 minutes. And that's when I did that.
And I was like, oh, let's go. Like, let's, this is amazing.
I blacked out. And it was exactly what I
wanted, which was like to not have to deal with all that stuff

(08:38):
and not have to be responsible and not have to have people want
something from me because I was just blackout drunk.
And I was like, unreliable when I was blackout drunk.
So that was like a nice feeling,yeah.
You could sort of kick the shoesoff, right?
And ask the. Phone and I don't have to
perform and but it's funny because at the same time you you

(09:00):
are getting the vanity metrics from it right where it's like
look how cool she is she can drink that much and.
Exactly. And people like really praised
me for it. And I was like, oh, OK, this is
the type of praise I want. I don't want the type of praise
where I have to work. Really hard.
Or like, I don't want the type of praise where I have to.
Like, that's a good point. You know what I mean?
Like it was just easy to get praise through drinking and

(09:20):
party. I never thought about it like
that. Yeah, that's like how it worked
for me. Yeah.
And then things were fine. Like, fine.
Like every time I drank, there was always so much drama.
But it was on the weekends and Iwas still getting good grades.
I was still in sports, so everything was fine.
And my mom was like, you're fucked.
And I was like, back off, get away from me.

(09:41):
Like I'm still doing all the things that you want.
So it eventually I think it was like grade 1112.
That's when I started to, like, move away from things because
drinking and partying, which is easier.
So I stopped competing at a highlevel of cross country.
I was on, like, EU of T varsity team.
I was on track to, like, run at the collegiate level, like all

(10:04):
that stuff. And partying was just, like, so
much easier. So I just chose that instead.
And then I went to school in Montreal again, drinking ages
18. So I was like, OK, here we go.
And then, yeah, it all kind of like snowballs from there.
What's the moment where you first thought that it was a

(10:28):
problem or you needed to to change something?
So it had been building for a while, but I think the moment
where I like subconsciously I was like, I'm probably an
alcoholic. But the IT was in my, the summer
of 2018 and I went to Oceaga, the music festival.
Yeah. And I blacked out for 24, no, 48

(10:51):
hours, blacked out for 48 hours.It was Friday.
And then that's the last thing Iremember.
It was like Friday at 11 AM and then it, it all goes black and
then all of a sudden it's like night time and I'm like, oh,
what are we going to do tomorrow, guys?
And they were like, it's Sunday,like we're leaving and you've
been fucking terrible to deal with.

(11:12):
What? A bad hangover, do we?
Go to. Exactly.
So yeah. And then there was a couple.
There was a friend who I wasn't like, I was, she was a more of
an acquaintance, but she was like the only person that would
say it to me straight, like, this is not OK.
Like the like, what you're doingright now is absolutely not OK.
And like, you need to get help. And that's the first moment that

(11:33):
it like really sunk in. And then it took a few months
after that before I eventually went to treatment.
Everybody needs that person in their life.
That is such a like for me, it'smy friend Tyler.
Just no bullshit. You're being a fucking idiot.
And like you hate to hear it in the moment and but it's it's I
will forever be grateful for that guy because you know he

(11:57):
would never take any of my bullshit.
And without that person in our lives, nothing changes.
Yeah, and this was like a shout out to Marissa.
She was like a my good friend's girlfriend now wife and like she
just was like, what the fuck is going on?
Like this is not you. And nobody else in my life was
able to do that just because we were all drinking the same way.

(12:17):
So yeah, sobriety has been incredible.
And then for me, because athletics was such a big part of
my childhood, marrying like fitness and sobriety has been
like massive in my recovery. Like it's changed so much for me
because you have AI. Like I remember this feeling,

(12:39):
right? Like the shoulders are up here
and I'm like, Oh my God, I have so much.
Like pent up energy? Yeah.
And but when you're a kid, when you're like a little kid on the
playground, yes, you can, like, let out that energy and not have
to worry about the performance. But when you layer in like
sports and athletics, like, it can be really intense and it can
be really toxic. Like your worth is so tied to

(13:00):
the result. Yeah, there's a lot of good
lessons to be learned. Sorry I like sink into this
couch. Sometimes this couch is very.
You're sitting normally on it. I don't know what's wrong with
me. I don't know.
I'm just I also weigh like 2 lbs.
What's that supposed to? Mean no dude, I'm kidding.
I don't fucking. Care.

(13:20):
My body just wanted to be right now.
I was like, Nah, no. No, you're fine.
I'm. Going to do this because I
forgot to do it but I have to dothat we.
Have to clap. Yeah, because it syncs all the
things. I didn't do that right.
No. OK, good.
I'm a lot losing it. The the benzo took away my
memory quite a bit. I was going to ask you who you
saw at Oshega, but I guess you don't.
I do remember we saw Anderson pack.

(13:42):
I remember that. That's all I remember.
I went to Oshega in 2017 in sobriety with people that I was
in recovery with. Yeah.
And have you ever been on a vacation with people in
recovery? You know.
I've only been on vacation whereI'm the only one.
It's so exhausting. Is it?
Well, you know how like, opinionated and like picky we

(14:03):
can be, right? Addicts are.
We're really tough to deal with.Oh, yeah.
We have a lot of, there's a lot going on in here that there is.
We can't use substances to fit. No.
And it's like they're we're likea little high maintenance.
Yeah, yeah. So it's like when you travel.
I've been on a few now with recovery people and it's very
like you really have to be go with the flow.

(14:24):
Like otherwise nothing because there's going to be the alpha
guy or girl that's like we're doing this and then we're doing
that. We're planning and then I think
that I, when I go on vacation, I'm like, Oh, I'm, I'm so go
with the flow. Like I've been practicing, you
know, the principles and all my affairs and I don't have
whatever. And then I get there and I'm
like, I'm like, what's the plan?Where are we going?
And. It's.
Crazy how all that stuff just like comes up.

(14:45):
Oh God. I do want to talk about fitness.
I'm happy you brought it up because I, yeah, since I've,
I've known you, you definitely. I, I, I don't think you jumped
into it right away when you got sober.
Yeah. Because I remember seeing a
shift from you posting about it and going to the gym and joining
the, the company that you're at now.

(15:06):
Yeah, 'cause you were at, you were at, I remember you were in
the retail sector. Before right?
So how did you make the change? So I was at Lululemon and I got
that job when I was like 6 or seven months sober.
And I we get when you're in a Lululemon employee, part of your

(15:27):
benefits or perks is like you get a credit card with like a
certain amount of money to do group fitness.
Yeah. No.
Way yeah. So when I was a part time
employee at the time, so I got 150 bucks a month, it was called
Sweaty pursuits. I don't know if they still have
it, but 150 bucks a month to useat group fitness and every store
has ambassadors. So people who own businesses or

(15:51):
who are representations of Lululemon's values in the
community. And that's How I Met the owners
of F45 Young and AG, Chris and Lena.
Hi guys and they that's when I start.
I was like okay, because I was doing yoga and it just wasn't
feeling like enough like I was moving and that was great.
I was starting to feel safe in my body huge.

(16:12):
Like first year of sobriety was like, okay, let me just not be a
crazy person 24/7. And then starting like to go
into that second year when I waslike, OK, I still have all this
pent up rage. Like then the rage starts to
come out and I had a lot of it. So I was like, OK, why don't I
try F45? And it fucking changed so much

(16:34):
for me because I it was a controlled environment where I
could let out some of that aggression.
But in like a very structured way is 45 minutes.
So I couldn't really make an excuse.
I was like, OK, a meeting's an hour.
What's 45 minutes, right? Like I can layer this into my
day. Holy shit.

(16:55):
The the post workout clarity that comes where the voices just
stop where you're not like when you're done a hard workout and
there's just silence. That's like my medicine, right?
Like it made me. I was like, Oh my God, I didn't
know. I could feel this way.
I didn't know. So I started, I was doing it
once a week and then I started doing it twice a week and then I

(17:17):
started doing it three and four times a week.
And it wasn't, it didn't become obsessive, which was really
cool. It was like the first time in my
life where I wasn't like I was enjoying something, but I wasn't
obsessing over it. I was just learning.
And I was meeting cool people who weren't fucking drunk all
the time. And I was meeting people who
weren't in recovery but had the same values that I did now,

(17:40):
which is massive. I think it's really important to
hang out with people that aren't.
I I just want to quickly interject there.
I think it's it's as simple as hanging out with people that are
working on themselves in some capacity.
Exactly. Love it.
Yeah. And it was like it.
It was really, it inspired me somuch that I ended up quitting my
job at Lululemon and Chris and Lena really inspired me so much
like the community they created there is amazing.

(18:02):
It's like the fitness industry can be very toxic as well.
So that's something I've been discovering is like there's.
A stigma, too, about. Holy shit.
And there's places where it's, it's less about actually getting
better and more about looking better and like being seen and
like getting in the getting the Instagram shot and like getting
the perfect video. And I've totally fallen victim

(18:24):
to that because how could you not?
And what Chris and Lena created there was like, there is we're
not, we're not fucking doing that.
We're we're here. There's no mirrors in F45.
Like, we're here to work hard, have a good time, and like, be
good to people, you know? Yeah, And I mean, all the posts

(18:44):
I've ever seen from you and in that area is like, you just
working hard, right? Yeah.
And I'll be honest, like, it it it is motivating to just, like,
watch someone do hard shit when I'm sitting on the couch.
And I've actually been struggling with this lately.
Is, is getting into the gym, Right.
Yeah, I do want to touch, too. I love what you said about
obsessive being obsessive because I, I think you know

(19:05):
this, but I went through my relapse was, was because of it
started with steroids. It wasn't because of steroids.
Very vanity facing. I, I had this hole inside of me
and at the end of the day, that's what it is, right?
It's like I'm missing a part of there's something in here that
I, I don't feel seen. Body dysmorphia, whatever you
want to call it, I can fix that.And steroids are a huge, another

(19:26):
huge part Ozempic as well. I, I dabbled into that too.
The more I've been talking aboutthis too, by the way, the more
I'm finding a lot of people are struggling with with this
Ozempic thing and. Steroids is crazy.
Like, so I basically what happened is I, I realized I
wanted to help people in a more constructive and meaningful way.
So I moved into being a personaltrainer and I had no 'cause like

(19:50):
thankfully I didn't struggle with an eating disorder, but so
many people do. And what happens is people be
everybody's obsessive. Everybody is obsessive looking
like the culture that we're in. And humans, like
anthropologically, humans were not designed to view themselves

(20:10):
all the time. Like if you think about it.
There were no mirrors back like way back in the day, like you
would maybe view yourself in a reflection in the river, like,
and now we've engineered this experience in existence where we
are constantly viewing ourselvesand it fucks with our head.
So people are obsessed with how they look and how they feel.

(20:32):
And I'm not one to and it's, it's crazy.
It blew my mind. And at one point I was like, Oh
my God, I don't have the tools to help people because I don't
struggle with XYZ. But I, I do have the tools to
help people because I know what it's like to not be able to look
at in the mirror. And I know what it's like to
shift perspective to like, OK, what can I do today?

(20:54):
Or what can I do for the next 45minutes, right.
And people really struggle with food crazy.
And I, yeah. And it's really sad because I
think sugar is like the, it's like alcohol and sugar.
It's like those things are massive.
And I think also statistically in recovery, at least for

(21:19):
females and eating disorder is the next thing that someone will
pick up because you're basicallywhat happened, You've mentioned
it as well is like there's a hole, there's a gaping hole
where my addiction filled. And if I take the addiction out
of it, but I'm not filling it with the things that's actually
going to make me feel whole and happy and whatever, then

(21:42):
something else is going to slip in if I'm not careful.
Shopping. Gambling.
And people say, oh, this is a good thing, Exercise is a good
thing. It's healthy, it's good for me.
It's like, Oh my God, you do notneed to.
You do not need to work out three hours a day.
You do not need to be here. You don't need to cut like you
can do so much for your body andreally enjoy what you're doing.

(22:04):
And I find it's hard to explain this to people.
I'm not knocking wanting to havea goal that is based on vanity
and aesthetic. If that is what you believe is
truly going to make you happy, then go for it.
But it's learning the differencebetween what an extrinsic value
is and what an intrinsic value is.
And this is what I try to share through my story and when I talk

(22:26):
to people and work with people, one-on-one is like, where is
that goal coming from? Is it coming from your parents
telling you you needed to be that way?
Is it coming from something you picked up, you know, in a group
of your, of your boys? Like is it where is it coming
from? Or is it really coming from a
deep place within you? And when a goal comes from that

(22:49):
place, it's way more fulfilling because if you're going for
goals that are out here, it's never going to be enough ever.
And it doesn't matter if you getthe big butt or if you get the
ABS or if you put on the weight or, or lose the weight.
Like if you're not doing it for something in here, and you're
doing it because something out here is telling you too, then

(23:10):
it's not gonna stick. One of my favorite quotes is I
heard this on a podcast is, you know, this girl said no one's
gonna be at your funeral talkingabout what a nice set of, you
know, breasts you had or how nice your ass was.
Exactly that. Just like I heard it one day and
it just hit me. I was like, man, like, yeah,
it's. It's so true.

(23:30):
The most impactful thing anyone's ever done for me in the
gym is not like, teach me how todo a squat or help me to bench
press a certain amount of weight.
It's like when they pop, when mycoach pauses and, and gives me a
different perspective on something, right?
That's where it comes in. And I, my theory is like

(23:50):
anxiety, every emotion is just energy and it has to move
through my body. And so many of us just sit there
and we're. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I, I'm guilty of it too.
It's oh, me too. I I went to the gym today
actually. And not because I was seeing
you, that was a part of me was like, did I just come here

(24:11):
because I wanted to tell everyone that I actually.
Went to the gym today, Oh my God.
And it's like, no, it's I, I went to the gym.
And to your point, I felt it's been a while that I've.
It's not, it hasn't been a whilesince I've been to the gym, but
it's been a while since I noticed the feeling of pushing
hard weight. Yeah.
Silence. Yeah.

(24:31):
And like dopamine too, right. Silence.
And like, music's on for me at least.
And it's just like, huh. Yeah.
You know that space of what was I worried about it?
Yeah, that clarity where you're like, oh, it's not that.
It's not so bad. Clarity.
Yeah, and it's like finding balance, like, so for me, I do,
I do strength training three times a week.
I'll do one, maybe two runs a week.

(24:53):
And then the rest of the time I'm doing yin yoga.
Like that's, that's what my training looks like.
And it's because if I I've gone one way where I'm like, Oh my
God, I started doing high rocks.Oh no.
Everybody OK, everybody's fucking obsessed with high
rocks. And I was totally, I was like,
yay, it's here. Look at my, look at my and I can
still be that way. But like first of all, high

(25:14):
rocks, when you actually do it and you go to that event and
you're there, it's super. Cool.
I'm sure it is. Yeah, it's super cool.
I just knock it because it comeswith all the other.
It's a trend and it comes with all the other stuff and, and
there's some icky, there's some ickiness there like there is
with every single trend. And however what it so when I
started training for it, I was training way too much.

(25:36):
I fucked up my hormones, I fucked up my sleep.
I wasn't eating enough to keep up with the training.
I was running. I went from zero to 100 because
I thought I was going to be ableto run at the level that I was
when I was like younger. And that's just like not true.
So I really like I hurt my kneeslike and I had to, I've been
slowly working my way out of that.
And so now I'm doing like just balance training so that when I

(25:58):
do a higher ox, AI don't feel like shit when I get there and
BI can actually like me and my partner because you can do
double S where everybody does the running, but you split the
stations. We missed the podium by 30
seconds. And that was not my goal.
My goal was just to like, go do it and like not cry 'cause I

(26:18):
cried when I did high rocks the first just.
'Cause it was hard. Or 'cause it was hard and I
heard all the demons started to come back, like all of that
stuff. So that's another reason why I
like high rocks because it allows me to compete as an like
athlete. Like back in that mindset, but
sober. And I can do it.
I can like, make, it's really making amends to myself to like

(26:39):
my teenage self. Proving yourself wrong like
doing. Hard shit.
It's my favorite, yeah. What's the other one?
I used to love running and listening to David Goggins
because it was pushing through perceived limitations, right?
Like I didn't know I could run amarathon.
I just ran. I've done 3 now I can't run 5K
without like crying to your point but it's like anything,

(27:00):
it's just consistent. My cousin who's a doctor
actually told me that there's like a real scientific reason as
to why you cry after you do likeendurance sports like that.
So I was like, OK, that makes mefeel better.
But but there's actually like science behind it because you're
pushing yourself to this point. You're not stopping.
And then all of a sudden you getthe crash, the adrenal for crash

(27:20):
and the dopamine crash. So your body responds by crying.
Yeah, I mean, I, I, I agree. I think I agree.
I agree with science. Yeah.
I I can relate because it's, I mean, crying is emotion that
needs to come out in some capacity, right?
I love crying. I don't do it enough.
I haven't. I have.
I cried a little bit, but I usedto like when I first got sober,

(27:43):
it was like cry, cry, cry, cry, cry.
And then the dams were just likedry and then it came back again.
But fitness really allowed me tokind of channel that like
chaotic emotional energy. And like, then I, you know, the
pendulum swung where I was doingit too much.
I was being obsessive about it. After I did that first initial

(28:06):
stint of F45I became a trainer. And then I was like, oh, I have
to do what everyone else is doing, which is like showcase
myself on Instagram. And like, I've actually pulled
back a little bit because I'm navigating like how to express
this and like attract people that are looking to genuinely
feel better and like change their perspective about

(28:29):
themselves and like what's possible for them through
movement. And whether that's like, you
know, strength training, which I'm certified in, whether it's
like, you know, conditioning, which I'm certified in, whether
it's like yoga, like all of thatgoes together.
And I think fitness and movementjust kind of like seals it all
up because it allows you to let it go, right?

(28:50):
That that like that moment of like, oh, fuck, what was I
worried about? Yeah.
And I, I think for me, when you talk about obsessive like that,
just that word just hits me so hard because I've been there so
many times in recovery in addiction as well with obviously
with drugs and alcohol. But it's just different.

(29:10):
The justification that you're doing it for the right reason is
so deep. It runs so deep.
And yeah, you'll drive yourself into the ground or into steroids
like me. And I think where I missed the
mark was when I got into the steroids.
I kept keeping it a secret, I think.
So when did that happen? That was at the eight-year mark,

(29:31):
right around the eight-year mark.
And that's where it was. I'm not saying that everyone
that does steroids today is gonna relapse if you're in
recovery because I, I actually found, this is how good of a
resourceful addict I am. I found a, a community of people
that were sober and doing steroids and I, that was my
justification, right? And when I say community, it was

(29:51):
like 4 or five people. It was all of you guys being
like, we're fine. And this guy had a podcast and
he was sober for 10 years. And so but I started like
looking for what is it called. Justification.
Yeah, but like when you do research that's just recent, no,
something bias. It's a bias that you have.

(30:11):
And I can't think of the word right now, but oh.
My God, no, I know what you're talking about.
So. It's going to come to me, but
it's it's when you're specifically looking for things
that are going to support your claim, right?
And that's what I was doing. I was specifically looking for
things that were supporting my way and not the the alternative,
not the the the other thing. So one more point before I

(30:31):
finish my thought here. The difference for me with
obsessive going to fitness gym, whatever your thing is, is my
relationship with it. And what that looks like is
there was a point in my sobrietywhere if I didn't go to the gym
six days a week, I was a piece of shit.
That's where I was really got caught up.

(30:52):
And so today when I miss the gym, I'm like, try again
tomorrow, right? Like try honestly, I'm my goal
right now is 3 * a week. I've been going once a week and
I realize I've also been going for a walk every day, right?
But I forget about that. But I, I do.
There is a big difference between walking and moving your
body and running and like strength.
And like actually getting your heart rate up a little bit so

(31:15):
that you're like perspiring and like actually like detoxing a
little bit and like pumping the blood through your system.
And I think there, there's also this other side where I, OK,
people are going to sew, come for me and whatever, it's fine.
But like all these people who are like Pilates, Pilates,
Pilates, Pilates and like Pilates is fantastic.

(31:36):
It's great, but it's not going to build muscle and it's not
going to elevate your heart rateto that state.
It's not that burning like that's it's just not going to do
that. So and I think some people are
like, oh, I'm going to do Pilates instead.
I'm like, OK, do you want to do that?
Because it's not easier, but like because you're not
challenging yourself in that waywhere you're like really pumping

(31:58):
the blood through your body, like, and for me, it's also this
balance of, OK, I'll try again tomorrow.
Or am I just giving like am I giving myself a pass?
Right? It's this sweet spot of like
really getting like listening tomyself and being like, am I
letting myself get away with it or do I actually need to rest

(32:23):
right now? And that's just listening to
your body being aware, right? Meditation.
But it's all and it can, but that's where the mind kind of
comes in, right? Because there's sometimes where
even me, I'm like, I'm not goingto do it today.
I'm just tired. I taught four classes today.
I don't want to, I don't want towork out.
But really like what I need is to move for me, right?
I need to. I've helped other people move

(32:43):
all day. What is it?
What is it for me? And I think so many people are
in this space. And you know, Pilates is great.
I'm not saying you can't get a good workout with Pilates.
I don't want the girls to. I don't want the girls to come.
They're coming after you. But there's a, there's a
difference. And yeah, you have to, you have
to be aware of like where am I giving myself a pass?

(33:06):
I find it really interesting too, the difference between
strength training, the way I do it, I have a good life by myself
and being a part of a community and strength training.
I was listening to a podcast theother day that talked about the
rise in single men, right? Like there's a huge problem.
There's a lot of single men playing video games, gym Bros,
whatever. The, the some of them are both

(33:27):
right. There's a direct correlation
between guys that want to get jacked and guys that aren't
finding partners in their life. There's like a very big
contingency of, of men that are spending a lot of time focusing
on themselves, right? And all the stuff that comes
with it, the, the eating the protein, the, you know, the, the

(33:48):
gym bro, right? I was that guy for a long time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know.
But yeah, it's like just findingthe balance, like you said.
So what does the community do for you?
And have you ever, have you everdone those solo workout things?
Like so I do solo workouts a lotbecause it's it's just how I
because I teach so many classes.Now you're in the community all

(34:09):
day. Yeah, and like, that's kind of
like my way to, you know, recharge.
But I, but what the classes do for me is very similar to other
recovery spaces where it's like I'm not alone doing this and I'm
struggling. Like you see people struggle,
but you also see people who don't give up and you you're
working out beside someone the whole time and you and they're

(34:30):
like, OK, this fucking sucks. Or like we got this.
Like it. It's that connection through
like suffering, like, but it's asuffering that you choose.
And what it gave me was like a sense of identity and like the
little bit of you're no longer aloneness and like being able to
laugh through a workout and being able to just like not take

(34:51):
myself so fucking seriously whenI was working out.
Because I think sometimes when I'm alone and especially it's if
I'm filming myself, it's like, oh, my form has to be perfect
and I have to do this and I haveto do that.
But like where I work out like there's no mirrors, There's no
mirrors and the lights are on soyou can see people's eyes and
you can see people's faces and you can see the person beside

(35:11):
you and you can genuinely talk to them.
And it gives me, it gave me thissense of like, holy shit.
Like there are other people who want to get better.
And this doesn't have to be so serious.
Like I think people just take itto a whole nother level where

(35:31):
it's like, I need to optimize, Ineed to optimize and it's like
shut up. Like you don't need to optimize
like. This gym bro like hustle
culture. Right.
Yeah. And I think, and I'll paired
with that too, is a lot of people don't know how to
connect. They don't know how to talk.
And when you're in a workout class, the wall, there's another
layer that's like not there because people are not done up.

(35:53):
You're in your gym clothes. Like, yeah, some people can
dress up for the gym, but for the most part people are like,
I'm just here to work out. People aren't wearing makeup.
People aren't like filming themselves.
There's no mirrors. Like it's a very unique
community where that vanity is, is a little bit not there.
It's still there, but not as much.

(36:15):
And if it, I find a lot of people who my favorite thing is
people who come in and they're so nervous and you can like
smell it off of them, how nervous they are.
And the only reason why I can smell it is because that's how I
was. So when I see those people, I'm
like, OK, I'm coming for you andmaking them feel capable and
comfortable. And, and seeing that there's

(36:35):
people who are, you know, 60 years old and retired.
And then there's people that arelike 20, there's people that are
30. Like everybody's doing the same
shit, showing them that they cando it like they actually can.
And I'm like, hey, see, not so bad.
And they, they start coming for like a month and then they just
walk in and there's like a smileon their face and they know

(36:56):
where they're going. And it's like the transformation
and being able to witness that is what the community did for me
even before I was a coach. Like I remember I you, you go to
the same class times and you meet people and you start to
build these relationships and you learn a little bit about
them. And all of a sudden you see them
lift like 10 lbs heavier than they did the previous week in

(37:16):
your life. Like Oh my God, that's so cool.
Is that the same person? Yeah, you're like, this is like
what? And you get to see these people
improve, right. And then there's people at the
gym who, you know, one couple, they got married meeting at the
gym and like, and another girl that I was working out with
since day one, she's like havinga baby.
Like that's so cool. I get to you get to witness

(37:39):
people throughout your life and or like throughout their lives
and as you're doing it alongsidethem and it, it just really, I
get like goosebumps talking about it because it just, it
brought so much color to my existence where yes, like being
sober and hanging out with soberpeople is incredible, but like
hanging out with people who withthe world is like really cool

(38:03):
too. Yeah.
I mean, this sense of community,like at a time when I was just
talking about it in the last podcast, living in downtown
Toronto can be the loneliest place in the world, right?
Yeah. Even for someone like me that is
very extroverted, I like to think that I can talk to
anybody. I don't want to leave my house
someday. It's like a whole thing, right?
And so to be forces onward, to be accountable to a community of

(38:24):
people, we were like, they're gonna, I gotta go because, you
know, everyone else is going. It's like so and so is there.
I also like I'm paying for this membership like it's not cheap,
which which really sucks. Like, it's not, I don't wanna
say it sucks, but it's not cheap.
It's an investment in yourself. And I got to see people who
were, like, investing in themselves and being like, wow,
like they're not spending their money on, like, booze and yeah.

(38:48):
Yeah, and others, that's a good point too.
How much money was your addiction costing you?
And I'm not talking about the bars or I'm talking about the
the crashed cars and the lawyer fees and well.
How much was like eating out costing you?
How much? Is Uber Eats every night?
Yeah, I haven't. I haven't had Uber Eats in a
long time. I just realized that when I was
in my relapse I was like every night, like work.
And it's like easily, you're like, Oh my God, $700.00 where

(39:09):
did that go? Right?
Like, or even more than that when I was drinking and using
right. So it was, it was so cool the
community. And then, you know, we'll have
events where, you know, we, we do donation based classes.
And so you're, you're working out for a cause.
So there's that layer of it as well.
And just so fucking sick and like what a breath of fresh air

(39:31):
to be around a group of people that doesn't really care about
what you look like or what like you do outside of it.
They just care that you're showing up every.
Week and yeah it's your point. I think the biggest fear for
anyone walking into any I mean at least for me into any new
situation is like am I gonna be judged for what I'm doing?

(39:52):
Like, are there gonna be a line of people like Holland and the,
you know, the other personal trainer is watching me?
Like, look at this fucking morontrying to lift this weight.
Like, that's not how you do it, right?
And you come in, and then you realize you walk up to and
recovery's a lot like that too, right?
And that's recovery taught me how to do that, how to walk up
to someone and be like, hey, what's up?
Are you new here? Yeah.
Yeah, I wouldn't. Well, I know when they're new

(40:14):
here, but. We all know.
I'm like, I'm new here. It's a new.
It's a. Loaded car.
Sometimes people think I'm a lotlike people because I'm like,
hey, how's it going? And they're like, and I remember
being like in early surprise. I was going to say they they
didn't meet you early on. You met.
Me early on where I was like, yeah, I was not down.
And now I'm like, what's up? And they're like, are you always

(40:36):
this happy? And a part of me is like, you
didn't see me when I wanted to. I'm alive myself.
Like you. You didn't know that part of me.
So like, yeah, I'm happy to be here.
Like I'm really fucking. Stoked shit that I've been
through every day is a gift, right?
Yeah, I always say that we should all be dead, a lot of us.
Statistically and like, statistically, I should be dead

(40:59):
as a woman doing the type of stuff that I was doing.
I tried to buy drugs in Cambodia.
I don't need to do Look at me. Yeah.
Like, shouldn't be here. Yeah.
Like, that is not a place you want to end up in prison, right?
No, I would be. I would be dead.
Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of scenarios.
I can look back and think. I remember I was in one of my

(41:19):
one of my 3 rehabs that I've been to.
The one of the counsellors was like, life's not fair.
Like someone was complaining about something.
Life's not fair. Really.
If life was fair, we would all be dead or in jail.
And I that I was just like, Yep,yeah, I'm happy to be here.
Yeah. I'm I'm actually thrilled.
This is great, but it's true like sometimes and and that goes

(41:41):
back to the the whole gratitude thing.
I want to ask you, what's something that is what's your
biggest challenge today? I only want to talk about good
things. Well, I like this stuff going
on. I think for me it's, it's I

(42:09):
struggle with like workaholism. So I throw myself into my job
and I can forget about the otherpieces of life.
And that is what I've, I've realized like now that a lot of
layers have been peeled away, like the self hatred, the

(42:29):
abandonment, the, the exercise, like all that.
What's, what's like, part of my root stuff is like workaholism.
And I just like, someone once called me a workhorse and I just
like fucking work. Like that's just how I was
raised. So I'm, I've experienced a
little bit of burnout, not a little bit, a lot of burnout.

(42:52):
And I moved away from like my recovery tools because of it.
And I was like emotionally unwell.
But on the outside I was performing.
I was posting all that stuff on Instagram like, it's fine.
And it's it. That's when I was like, oh fuck,
I'm, I'm not doing so OK. So I had to take a bit of a step

(43:13):
back and reassess where my priorities were.
And I'm like, I'm coming out of it.
But I struggle with workaholism a lot.
Yeah. And I, I think workaholism is
one way to say it. Another way I'm thinking of when
you're talking about that is like this sort of we can have.
For me, it's like we have these two states of being.

(43:34):
It's like being mode and doing. Mode, yes.
I need to all I can fall into this.
I got to be doing something all the time because I don't want to
deal with what's going on in here or whatever.
It's my coping mechanism. Yeah.
Doing, doing, doing, doing. Have you heard of like the quote
that we're human beings, not human doings like?

(43:54):
Yeah, fuck that. Yeah, but no, it's, it's so
true. I mean, like, when was the last
time it's so easy to get distracted, like to distract
yourself today there's a computer there, there's a phone
there, and there's, you know what I mean?
And it's like, when was the lasttime I actually meditated and
sat with myself? Exactly.
And so I've been going back intothose like daily practices of

(44:15):
like, I have AI like sit in the morning and I do a couple
readings and I like drink my coffee and then I do like step
123. And then I I do at the end of
the night, I do a little bit of yen yoga.
I put some tarot cards and like,journal.
So interesting. Yeah, I would love to be able
to, you know, like have a life in a a way that generates

(44:38):
abundance where I'm not in workaholism.
So that's kind of what my work is right now.
It's like, how do I do meaningful work that is helping
people but also keeping the lights on?
Yeah, yeah, I am one of, you know, I hate when people say,
you know, if you're doing what you love and you're calling the

(44:59):
money will come. It's like, well, where the fuck?
I'm like. Where's the money?
Let me go. I'm pretty sure this is the
right calling I'm. Pretty sure inflation was not
accounted for. In the.
Yeah, exactly. Like Jesus, how much is a
fucking avocado like. It's so true.
But yeah, like it, it, it's likeone of those things, right?

(45:22):
It's for me, it's attachment to outcomes.
Things aren't going the way I thought they would.
This podcast is a perfect example.
I woke up this morning and I waslike, this is becoming more work
than it used to be. Yeah, and you're like, why?
And and it's nothing's changed. If anything I've gotten better.
I set this up in 5 minutes. Fantastic.
I'm way better at it. But it feels it.

(45:42):
Feels like more work because I thought I'd be getting certain
things by now. And I don't mean like money or
just even just like the audiencenumbers.
And yeah. Sponsorship, like yeah, it is
money. It is a lot.
Of it is money too. So, you know, I take that back.
One of the things I do struggle with today is work, holism and
money. Those are my like, those are my

(46:03):
2. So yeah.
And they kind of go hand in hand, yeah.
So would it be a shopping a thing or is it more just not
budgeting? It's under earning, yeah.
And then so you're OK on the thespend?
Yeah, for a long time I had the shot I was using instead of the
workaholism, I was using the Amazonism, right?

(46:25):
Yeah, I always said this is likeAmazon guy.
The Amazon guy replaced my drug dealer.
Fuck the Amazon. Fuck you, Jeff.
Yeah. I, I, I've actually gotten a
handle on that, but that's good.Again, it's recovery is honestly
six garbage cans, 5 lids, yeah. Yeah, playing whack a mole.
Always whack A mole. There's always something that's

(46:46):
going to come up and I just needto be reminded to that.
It's like this thing that's coming up now is is so much
better than that thing. Drugs and alcohol or whatever.
Yes. And it's meant to be coming up
like it's not happening for you.It's happening to you.
Sorry, it's not happening to you.
It's happening for. You, yeah.
I was like, fuck, but yeah, it'sthat one is huge.

(47:07):
And I think another thing that fitness and sobriety have taught
me is that, like, I'm not a victim.
You're a survivor. I'm a survivor, but I also have
choice. I have choice.
And like, yes, shitty things happen to me and shitty things
continue to happen, but I'm not a fucking victim.
Yeah, and I don't need to sit. And yeah, there's a big

(47:28):
difference between sitting in your shit and sitting with.
Yes, with your shit. Oh my God, yeah.
This is happening right now, butI trust you, you know, I'm
looking up at this guy. Yeah, I, I trust the process.
And yeah, when you're in it though, it's like, yeah,
sometimes the the money thing isinteresting to me because I left
a very high paying job to go into an industry that is that's

(47:49):
like no potential for high paying.
Unless you're like get a bajillion degrees.
There's like a whole, yeah, it'sa lot.
And so that's been on. I struggle with that too where
it's like what did I make the right choice?
Yeah. And at the end of the day, at
the end of the day, yes, I did make the right choice.
And I have to, I have to trust the process because I'm in the

(48:09):
process of learning how to be authentic on camera and like
having that be able to build andattract clients that want to
work with me. Yeah, unfortunately or
fortunately, it's part of the thing now, right?
Instagram is the new TV's ads onTV, right?

(48:31):
And you can either be the old man staring at the cloud or you
can kind of join it and. How do you do that?
You're doing pretty well. Thank you.
Yeah, how do I do film it? Like how do you just be
authentic like? Yeah, repetition.
Yeah, there's a there's a cringething that happens at the
beginning with it. We will talk offline about it

(48:55):
because it's boring. But there's a social media,
there's a, there's a formula to it that I'm learning more and
more about everyday and it's really stupid and really
annoying. But it's, it all comes back to
human psychology. And essentially you're fighting
for people's attention span, right?
Yeah, Your content could be the best content in the world, but
if you don't get people in the first little bit, no one's gonna

(49:18):
fucking know you exist, right? I follow.
I can't tell you how many peopleI follow where I I'll watch the
video. And I'm like this.
I literally learned nothing fromthis.
I wasn't entertaining. I don't.
And it has millions of views or thousands of views.
And it's not about this somebody.
It's I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet.
That's OK. Sorry.
We went. We went, yeah, we're on a
tangent. Yeah, we're on a tangent.

(49:38):
Now this is, it's a big part of my life too, because I there's a
whole vanity section to that that's very dangerous for mental
health. Yeah, right.
For sure. I just saw this thing the other
day that they're talking about releasing on Instagram
comparison metrics so you can compare yourself with other
creators. I'm like please.
No, yeah, don't. And everyone was commenting on
it. They're like, no, no, I don't

(49:59):
need this. No, we don't.
Mental health, this world. Yeah, Yeah, we don't need.
No thank you. I.
Don't need to compare myself to people.
The comparison is the thief of joy.
And it, but it's also I think we've gotten away from like
what? Like what is meaningful?
Why, why am I saying this? Like what are my thoughts like?
Your perspective. Yeah, yeah.
When I go on social media, if I'm listening to it's when I'm

(50:20):
looking for entertainment, sometimes I'm also looking for
relatability and then perspective.
Yeah, well, I didn't didn't think of it and.
Then I'm looking for recipes andthen I make my boyfriend make.
Them education. There you go.
You send them to them. Yeah.
Education. I forgot that one.
You're right. Education, entertainment, or
perspective. Yeah, that's it.
And yeah, it's like, anyways, it's a, it's a whole thing.

(50:40):
But I, I'm working on on that too because I mean, at the end
of the day, and I the worst is when you know it too, you get
100,000 followers. Let's say you know, and I know
nothing is going to change, right?
You might be making some more money in that area, but it's
like I'm going to. If anything, I'm just going to

(51:01):
feel shitty that I don't have 200,000.
Yeah. And that's, well, that's the
same with intrinsic and X transic.
Goes back to what you're saying.Yes.
And so I truly believe that whenyou can get to know yourself in
a way where you're, you're make you're taking action from an
intrinsic place versus an extrinsic place, then it that's

(51:21):
when the results come. So in fitness, like a lot of
people are like, why aren't I losing weight?
I'm like, because you're not doing it for the right reason
and you're doing it for not you.You're doing it because of some
perception of you. Like I know so many people who
want to lose weight like for their.

(51:43):
Husband. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or for their wife or for their kid.
But like, what are you doing foryou?
The best part with those scenarios too is most of the
time the husband or wife doesn'teven care they.
Don't give a shit. Yeah, I just.
Want you to be healthy, they just want.
You to be healthy and just live long.
It also comes down to like what you eat too and like it's it is.

(52:04):
So the Jim Bros do have it thereon the protein, but I.
Mean they got they got some stuff going.
On they do. And I think it's also the
culture that like women can do it too, like the the the Pilates
Princess like craze is like that's so unattainable.
Like it's so unattainable. What is it?
Like I'm going to go in my in mymatching workout set, I'm going

(52:25):
to go do Pilates and I'm going to be super skinny and I'm going
to be like super fit Drink a. Matcha tea.
Drink a matcha and I'm like, youhave spent $200 like that's not
attainable. And then the gym Bros want to
get that, but they don't know how to talk to those type of
women because they're not, they're not going into those

(52:46):
spaces. Which is why I think group
fitness can be really fun 'causeit takes away all the, it can
take away the vanity. Like there are some places where
it's only vanity and group fitness.
But yeah, I think community fitness is like really important
at. And we've had some like younger
kids come into the studio too, like 17 year olds.

(53:07):
And I'm like, yes, get them in here.
Wow. Yeah, I mean, it's a community
in, in like I, I think everyone needs community, especially
addicts and Alcoholics and how so yeah, I guess balancing the
two recovery and what like how do how do they help you
differently? I would say, well, that's that's
my question. So recovery.

(53:30):
Community, I mean, yeah. Wait, would you sorry, just I
keep saying what you were saying.
I'm gonna. I find recovery and like doing
self reflection work. Like helps me bring up shit and
then fitness helps me release it.
That's very simple and I love it.

(53:51):
I've never thought about it like.
That so it's like I'm doing the work, I'm journaling.
I'm like I. Don't like this?
That's a truth. Ye, I've been burying that for a
long time. OK, How am I going to get rid of
it? I'm going to go lift some
fucking heavy shit around going to churn the blood.
I'm going to remember I said like emotions are energy,
emotions are frequency. I'm going to, I'm literally
going to pump it out of my system.

(54:13):
And then you get that clarity and then I reintegrate it or
reintegrate new thoughts with more self reflection, work with
community, with doing a little bit of yoga, eating a good meal.
And then it's literally like replacing it.
That's my philosophy at least. It's like, so it's like, it's

(54:34):
like self reflection, physical work, nourishing your body and
then like community. Love that.
Yeah, it's like a circle. Right.
Yeah. And it's, it's not so much.
It's like a, it's like a. And it's constantly like
changing and moving, but those elements are always there.
And it's very, it's very, very simple.
And I discovered it early on andI was like, Oh my God, this

(54:56):
works for me. Self reflection is, is so
important in recovery. I think that that's one of the
most important things is, you know, you have two jobs in this
life to find your true self and then to love that true self.
And how do I do that? Well, I gotta find out who the
fuck I am first. But going to, you know, recovery
communities, but also the journaling is a big part

(55:17):
journaling. Is huge doing like obviously
like step work and all of that, but like also therapy, like good
therapy, not therapy where they're just validating your
shitty behaviour, but therapy where they're actually like
getting you to change. Because I think there's a lot of
therapists where I'm like, I'm sorry, are you just agreeing
with me? Like, and you need to like like

(55:39):
and therapy can get really weaponized too.
I think people can be like, I'm protecting my mental health and
then it's like, no, you're just avoiding, which I'm totally
guilty of. Yeah, I think there's a a big
difference between like you needa therapist that can read you
and, and tell what you need in the moment, right.
It's like, do you need to be heard right now or do you need

(56:02):
to be directed? Yeah, you know, and most of the
time I need to be directed. Like I honestly getting heard
and validated, it comes in handysometimes.
And I do need that sometimes. I mean, I need to be told that
I'm on the right path sometimes.Like I need to be validated that
like I'm exactly where I need tobe, as simple as that sounds.
I think for men at least it's like I, I think for men it's I

(56:25):
need to be told that I, I like, I matter to the tribe, like I'm
contributing in some way. I think that's the big one.
And that, yeah, that I'm, I'm not for nothing, Right.
That's really nice, Yeah. That's so like, you do matter.
You do. You're a part of the tribe.
Could you tell me? No, I'm.
Kidding. Yeah.
Could you tell me again that I matter?

(56:46):
Yeah. And I think for me, I needed to
to practice and to be reminded that I'm not a piece of shit
because a lot of the at least for like being a young girl, it
was this like not enoughness that is everywhere.

(57:06):
And I think it's from for men too, just for people in general.
But that again, that's where like fitness really helped me
because I was able to do hard shit.
And I was like, oh, I'm spendingmost of my time, like, in the
gym and talking to cool people. I'm not doing those shitty
things and making bad decisions anymore.
Yeah. Yeah.

(57:27):
And and this perceived limitation thing, it's so
important. It's like, I didn't know I could
do that. I didn't know I could do.
That like, I had no idea. Yeah, yeah.
What else can I do? Yeah, exactly.
And then it's like again, then you go back into like the self
reflection and don't let yourself go too far down the
rabbit hole of like obsession. So it's, it's this constant
dance of like, OK, yeah, I'm gonna go all in.

(57:47):
And then I'm gonna, I'm gonna ease back out a little bit.
So I don't, I go, don't go too far off the deep end.
Yeah. I love it.
Let's end with this. I I had a lot of fun today.
Yeah. Fitness has always been a staple
in my life. Come to a group fitness class?
Don't. Know about that?
No, yeah, try to get me to to. Get you out of the West.
End Yeah, that and to, you know,agree to something on camera.

(58:10):
Yeah, accountable. But yeah, no, I, I definitely
want to, I believe in the fitness community and you know,
there is a lot of toxicity in itjust finds it's like, it's like
recovery, right? All of 12 step is bad.
Well, well. Have you tried over here?

(58:30):
Have you tried over there? Have you actually tried?
You know you need to find a goodgroup.
Yes. Instead of paint the whole
fitness industry wrong. Exactly.
So I think like back to what we were saying in the beginning,
like my goal or my, my purpose here is to be a little bit of a

(58:50):
lighthouse and be like, hey, like there's just there's
another way to do it. There's there is another way.
I'm not the solution. I'm not, you know, I'm not the
best because I've discovered this, but like, there is another
way to do it if you want. I'm gonna be doing it over here
anyway. So just come hang out with me.
Yeah, that's that's my goal. Whatever size, race, color.

(59:11):
Yeah. Religion.
Yeah. You're welcome.
Doesn't matter. Come here and.
Join us, Yeah. Cuz we need you.
We need everyone. Yeah, and you can do it.
Yeah. And you matter.
And I need you to do hard thingsto prove that I can do hard.
Exactly. And you matter.
Exactly. Let's end with this.
OK, If you What do you hope? Yeah.
What do you hope people get out of your story?

(59:35):
I hope people smile a little bitand, like, not take themselves
so seriously. I hope people can like, just
exhale a little bit and be like,Oh yeah, I don't have to.
I don't have to do shit that makes me unhappy.
Like there is another way and there are people out there that

(59:58):
also feel that way. So I hope people get a little
sense of, like, relief. I hope people.
Just try something that is meaningful to them, that's all.
Thanks so much for coming down. Thanks for having me.
Appreciate it. Yay.
Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel
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(01:00:19):
The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for
informational and motivational purposes only.
This content is not a substitutefor professional medical advice,
addiction treatment, or therapy.If you or someone you know is
struggling with addiction, please consult A licensed
physician, addiction specialist,or mental health professional.
You are no longer alone.