Overcoming Trauma: From Childhood Abuse to Finding Inner Peace

In this powerful episode of Recovering Out Loud, we explore the raw and unfiltered journey of a man who transformed his life from violence, drugs, and street survival to healing, meditation, and spiritual awakening. He shares his earliest memories of abuse, how he lost himself behind masks and identities, and the pivotal moment that led him to leave the street life behind.

Through deep reflections on meditation, forgiveness, spirituality, and personal growth, this episode dives into how letting go of control, finding inner guides, and practicing awareness can completely change the course of a life.

If you’ve ever struggled with identity, trauma, addiction, or resentment, this conversation is a reminder that transformation is possible—and that healing starts from within.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
I was actually figuring out who I really was, you know, so it
took me 4 years to four years ofintrospection even where there's
a point where as I was washing dishes and also my old self, my
younger self popped in my head. And for that split, whatever
second, whatever, I forgot I wasdoing dishes and I, I seen him.
I was right there by him when he's crying and I told him why

(00:23):
he crying. And he's like, you know, I hate
my dad and this and that and he's crying.
I'm like, don't worry, you're going through this for a reason.
You know, what you're going through is going to make you
tougher so you can handle it outthere, you know what I mean?
And at that moment, I just bawled like boogers, like like
snot. And I just, I never cried like
that in my life, man. It's just coming out, coming

(00:44):
out. I'm like, where the hell is this
coming from? It's shedding your old self, you
know, really like tell my old, my younger self, it's OK.
I, you forgive. I forgive everything.
Don't worry about that stuff. You know, I mean, I forgive
everything that's going on. Hi there, welcome back or
welcome to Recovering Out Loud Podcast, the show where we get

(01:04):
real about mental health and addiction.
I'm so glad you're here. If you or someone you love is
struggling with drugs or alcohol, please reach out for
help. Send me a message on all social
media platforms at Recovering Out Loud Pod or by e-mail at
[e-mail]. You are no longer alone.

(01:43):
What do your prayers look like? Or your meditation?
What does that look like? Well, I don't meditate as much
as I used to, but when I sit down I usually have that the
bowl, the singing bowl that you know, those gongs kind of
things. OK, I'll cleanse the area.
Just just get good vibes in there and I'll sit down and I'll
close my eyes and I started practicing on my breathing, you

(02:04):
know, just focusing more on my breathing and just allow
whatever to come in, to come in,come out, come out, just go by,
you know, and there are times that I see things, you know,
things pop up here and there, you know, I mean, and it's just.
What do you see? Sometimes I see places sound
like I used to see like little places in the mountain is weird

(02:24):
man like. Not memories, but like new
places. Yeah, I never, I never been
there and in my life. Interesting, you know, like I'll
see a little place in the mountain or see faces appear.
And it's, it's not like human faces.
It's really kind of disturbing, right?
But I see faces come and once ina while I have conversations,
then realize when I'm having conversations or just poof gone,
you know, but I don't know what those are.

(02:45):
But I'm pretty fairly new to meditation.
It's only been a couple of yearson and off.
The first year was strong when Ihad that experience, right?
And but now it's more like subtle.
I get more tinglies like ringingthe ears here and there.
I get a lot of those lately so. Do you find that it takes you
long to get to that state in terms of like when you sit down

(03:06):
time or does it happen right away?
It takes some time, yeah. Like when when I was more more
consistent with it, it was quicker.
But now that I've been away fromit from some time to come back,
I find that I kind of nod off a little and I have to realize I'm
sleeping. Really.
Like I start nodding off and I'mlike, whoa.
Yeah, meditation is one of thosethings for me that's, you know,

(03:29):
for a long time I was trying to do it, right.
And I've come to the realizationthat there is no, there is no
way to do it, right? It's just you, you either do it
or you don't do it. And that helped me a lot
because, yeah, for for a lot of people, it's really tough to to
meditate, right? It's really tough to sit down,
especially if you have ADHD or Imean, we all have thoughts,

(03:49):
1,000,000 millions of thoughts, right?
But when someone told me to justjust doing it and it does get,
it does get better. It does get easier with
practice, right? The more you do it, the more you
can kind of calm down. And I was always taught that
when those thoughts come up, youjust for me, I'm a visual
person. I just picture them as like
bubble, like clouds disappearingin the air.
Like there's the, the thought just kind of comes and then it's

(04:11):
just like, right. Or it's like someone else told
me to. It's like erasing words off a
screen, like to try and picture your thoughts going like that,
right? So that helped me.
Yeah, just a lot of people, you know, a lot of times meditation
people fear it too, is they're scared of their own self.
They're scared to be by themselves, what their mind mind
says to them or does to them. You know, being alone in your

(04:33):
mind could be scary. You know, we know about other
people more than we do about ourselves.
You know what I mean? You can know that your best
friend in and out, but to know yourself is that's a Gray zone
for a lot of people. So to tell them, sit down,
meditate, it's like it gets scary, you know, it's like your
mind is very strong. It has its own personality at

(04:53):
times, you know, So I, I get that.
And you have no control over your thoughts, right?
I think the lack of control scares a lot of people, right?
Because we like to, I mean, at least for myself, I like to be
in control of things a lot. You know, I like to feel like
I'm in control. I like to feel like I, I, I know
what's going to happen next, right?
I, I don't like uncertainty. I don't like there's a lot of
fear in that. But that's how you release it.

(05:16):
Yeah, right. When, when, when you release the
control, that's when the magic happens.
You know, that's, that's all it is, is humans try to control
things. You know, it's really comfort
for your safety. You know, you try to control it,
but if you let it go and I see some crazy stuff in my time, you
know what I mean? There's a time I was meditating
and prior to that, probably a week or a couple days, I was

(05:38):
doing some meditation about seeing my guides.
I really want to get in contact with them, you know, find out
what their name is and stuff like that.
So I was really meditating hard on that.
And one time I closed my eyes and I seen, I don't know what it
was. It was just like a, it looked
like, like a cave. It was really dark and it's like
walls, like a cave. But then there's this figure
with a black hood, not a grim Reaper.

(06:01):
It's like a hood over his face. Couldn't see his face is just
standing there. And I was like, whoa, when you
know, when you when you realize something, you shake this,
usually things disappear. But that figure was still there.
And I was like, whoa, look who you you know.
Then I freaked out. I got up.
Go. No, I'm done.
Couple days later, driving by, it was on Bloor and Jarvis.

(06:22):
There's a church there. There's a same hooded person
standing outside the church likea statue, like, whoa, what the
heck? That's exactly the statue.
That's that's the figure I've seen.
I wonder what that symbolizes. I haven't.
One day maybe I'll have the courage to go and knock on the
church. And what does that guy
symbolize? You know, because that was
exactly that person I saw in my meditation.

(06:44):
It's bizarre. Do you think that the the
universe got higher power, whatever you want to call it is
kind of maybe directing you to go in there for some reason?
Like what do you think? What do you think that means?
I, I honestly, usually when I'm at the moment, I didn't think of
much, but usually it takes time for me to look back and I think
those are my guides, you know, but I kind of spooked them away,

(07:05):
like I'm not ready for you guys yet, you know, like kind of
feeling. So I haven't seen them ever
since, but I think those are my guides.
And sometimes they come in, obviously they're not human,
right? So they, they, they come as is
or and we just freak out, right?But.
Yeah, to me, like a guide, a spiritual guide to me could.

(07:26):
It comes in a number of forms. It comes through people, it
comes through objects, things, maybe thoughts in my head,
right. Voices sometimes not and, and
not voices like, no, I mean, yeah, like we all have
conversations in our heads, right?
It's, it's completely normal. They could come as as news
articles, as, as headlines on myphone, right?

(07:47):
Like things that just kind of pop up and it's like, do I, I, I
have two choices. I can pick it up or I can be
like, that's fucking crazy, right?
I don't, you know, whatever, right?
Or I can dismiss it. And to your point, the more
mindful I am, the more I can seethose signs, those guides.
And that's why meditation is so good for me, right?
Yes, because. You nail the right there.
It's the your awareness and havebeen an open mind, right.

(08:09):
It was a lot of times we're so closed off, like, you know, that
doesn't exist. You shut it off or or or ghost
don't exist and you shut it off.Talking about getting
goosebumps. A lot of goosebumps.
Yeah, bro, you know what I mean?Yeah.
So it's the mind that's closed. Yeah, this sort of contempt
prior to investigation, right, where it's like you, someone who
brings up an idea, no, like justcompletely your mind just shut.

(08:33):
That's not real. That's not possible.
That's not. And to me, this might sound a
lot of like this. This whole episode might sound
very woo woo to a lot of people.And for a long time, yeah, I
thought this this was bullshit, this this spiritual life.
But it's like, I don't know, I, I've just come to a place now
where it's so much more fun and so much more.

(08:55):
I don't know the, the, the opportunities are endless when I
choose to believe in this stuff,then when I don't, right?
And it's just, it's so much morefreeing to believe that anything
is possible, that because then Idon't have any limitations,
right? And, and I believe that like I
can, I truly believe that I can do anything in this world if I'm
willing to pay the consequences,right.

(09:17):
There's certain things like maybe play in the NBA one day
that physically I, you know, I can't do.
But there's, there's not a lot of things that I can't do in
this world. If I put in the time and put in
the work, I put in the research to get it done right.
There's a lot of examples of that in the world.
Your power is your focus. You know, there's a lot of
energy and focus. If you could focus your mind

(09:37):
razor sharp into what you need to do, where you want to be, you
know, instead of we're taught like in school, like when you
grow up, what you want to do. What do you think?
Those two questions right there?I I feel that there is wrong.
It should be who you want to be.We're human beings, not human
doers, right? We're beings.
What do you want to be? And instead of thinking, what do

(09:58):
you think? It's what do you feel right?
We have to learn to feel things like when something's right, you
feel it's right. When something's wrong, don't
you get that knot in your gut like those are feelings?
It's not it's not thinking. Thinking is for school, is for
logic, right? But if you want to tap into the
whole other side, everything is feelings, man.
Intuition. Intuition, everything.

(10:20):
It's all the insight. Like I explained to you earlier,
four years ago, I would not be sitting here talking.
About this, yeah, let's get intothat.
Yeah, it's like woo woo stuff that you said, right?
I was, I was kind of embarrassed.
I tried my open up a YouTube channel, but I was kind of
embarrassed. Who's my my my friends will see
me and the everyone's gonna think I'm crazy.
You know what I mean? Because I'm a very straight

(10:41):
person. Like I don't say stuff that it
is, it's not there or whatever. It is you don't sugarcoat.
Yeah, I don't sugarcoat stuff so, but this situation is just
threw me off, you know? Yeah.
So what happened? Yeah.
Well, I was, I was, I was reallydebating on my life, like I lost

(11:01):
my identity, you know what I mean?
It's like I had my street friends.
I had my friends that work legitand have my families, you know,
my family as in my, my family, my parents and all that stuff.
And had three different identities, right?
Three different identities and they never intertwined, you
know, even though I do hang withmy street friends and my regular

(11:23):
friends sometimes together. But it was, it was, it was crazy
juggling. I don't know how I did it, you
know what I mean? But at that time, it's like I
lost my identity. It's like a I'm one person that
I'm two person together and thenmy family.
You're wearing masks everywhere.A.
Lot of masks, a lot of masks. And, and in the end, it's like,
who the fuck am I? You know what I mean?
I'm talking to these people thatI'm talking to these people and
they're my family. I'm like, I don't want to live

(11:45):
like this. And the stuff I was doing for
money, it's like, yeah, you know, I was selling a lot of
drugs. I was doing what I got to do.
But sometimes it's it's not whatI wanted to do.
And I remember telling my wife that like, I, I can't do this
forever. I don't want to do this no more.
But how do I get out of this? This is all I know.
My friends think I'm working. My street friends think I'm

(12:07):
working and I tell them that it's just so whatever they're
involved, it doesn't involve in me.
There was a time where there waswars.
I avoided that because I'm saying I'm working.
I worked in the movies and I didwork in movies for one month
'cause my friend got offered me that job in the movies and I'm
like, I'll take it and see what it's about.
So I did work there for a month.I did record it and after that I

(12:29):
used it and say I'm in the unionnow.
You know, I work this and that. So when these guys from the
streets call me out, I'm like I'm working tomorrow.
I can't go out. So give me excuses.
Stay away from them. I hang with my little my friends
that have jobs by the same time,they don't really understand as
well. Like it it it's weird.
Like they're good people, but they don't understand real life

(12:52):
like what I consider real life. So it's like they're good
people. I grew up with them, but they
can never fully understand St. life.
I'm I'm very close to them. I grew up with people hustlers,
drug dealers, murderers, but those are, I feel most
comfortable with those. People, you have bonds, yeah,
strong bonds, I. I understand them and I got, I

(13:12):
can understand them, you know, and I feel the closest to them.
So weird as it sounds, you know,if, if I was in a room and I
have my life depended on it, of course I'm going to the street
people. You know what I mean?
Because I I know that they'll have my back.
To have your back, yeah. Or at least I think you know
what I mean. And then my family side, I'm the
good son. You know, I put my mom through a
lot of grief when I was growing up.

(13:34):
You know, cops come a lot of crap, you know what I mean?
So yeah, but like, I lost my identity.
I didn't want to do my job no more.
So I start, it was weird how I start coming these time frames
of right now when I'm explainingit, I'm trying to piece it
together because things were happening so fast at that time.
I start finding YouTube. I don't know where it came up.

(13:55):
I Start learning to meditate. I just, first of all, I'll put
on the music and just meditate. And it felt really good.
I'm like, holy shit, man, I started doing that.
I start doing affirmations, listening to at night, I'll put
it on the earbuds and just sleepwith it.
And then one day I was just driving and the radio came on

(14:17):
and it said something about angels and I, I turned it up and
I, I don't know why we're talking about some angels.
I'm like, 'cause I'm not a spiritual, I'm not a religious
person. I don't believe in none of that
stuff. Like I said before up my
upbringing, I believe my motto was it's better to rule in hell
than to serve in heaven, you know, but you do what you got to

(14:39):
do in life, you know what I mean?
It was almost like you rather kill the innocent than let the
guilty free even, you know? But anyways, I'm getting off
track. No, no, it's good.
I, I mean, I'm, I'm interested to, to hear more about how you
got into the street life and what that did for you for a long
time. Like obviously it did did a lot
for you mentioned connections too, right?

(15:00):
How did you get into that? Well, growing up, I got my ass
whooped at an early early age, like a really early age and it
it worsened off and I failed in Grade 1 and I don't know how
kids fall in fell in grade one, but the teacher failed me right?
I remember she grabbed me by thearm.
I could, I didn't know, I didn'tknow to speak English at that
time. But I still remember her name
until now. I'm 46 years old.

(15:21):
I remember my Grade 1 teacher, Miss Wu, you know what I mean.
I remember her. She's probably long gone now,
but she played a role in my lifeas well, right?
But she grabbed my arm, I pushedher, she smacked the shit out of
me and she told me you're going to fail.
I, I couldn't understand exactlywhat she meant, but I knew
something was wasn't right. But anyways, went home.

(15:42):
They, they called my dad. My dad explained to me,
explained to him. So I thought, you know what, the
teacher hit me. I'm going to explain to my my
dad, he's going to have my back.He beat the shit out of me, you
know, because in his, that generation is a teachers and the
people authority are always right.
Your kids are never right. So anyways, he beat the shit out
of me and for the longest time, he'll call me stupid.

(16:02):
That's my nickname in the household, right?
So every time my dad's friends will come over or this is my
brother, this is my son, this ismy other son, this is my
daughter, this is my son, stupid.
And it was like you could see inthat my friends, my dad's
friend's face, they were like, you know, they're not they're
awkward, right? But at the same time, I want to
get up and just yell at them andgo fuck you, you know?

(16:23):
But we used to get beat so much like cops will come to our house
and and make us go in the garden, lift up the shirts
because their neighbors are calling the cops.
They were screaming lift up the shirts and cops are asked me,
you know, looking around goes, does your dad hit you?
And I was so close saying, yes, they take him in jail.
But then I looked at a cop and go, no, he never hits me, you

(16:44):
know what I mean? We go back to beating and our
beatings were not like normal beatings, man.
Like there's times I get tied upby these elastic, black elastic
bends. He has his thick ones.
I'll tie my legs like this, my arms and legs, they'll just whip
me with those sticks, you know what I mean?
And just when I'm done, I'll throw them into the corner, shut
the lights off. And if I scream, I get my ass
beat even more. He'll come down, give me more

(17:04):
beatings, you know what I mean? Or psychological beatings will
be like if I cause trouble or acted up that day or say it was
a Sunday, it goes, OK, next Saturday you're going to get it.
So he gives it a whole week to think about it.
And when that Saturday comes, I'm like, oh, morning comes,
afternoon comes. He doesn't do nothing.
Oh, he forgot. Thank God.
That evening comes. Let's go downstairs.

(17:25):
Now I'm like, oh, happened to a point where, you know, when you
get beat so much, you just cry to give him the satisfaction
When he's done, it was like, whatever, you know, it doesn't
hurt no more, right? Or if I was bleeding a little, I
start ripping, you know, like I start opening up that cut more
and I'll make sure the blood goes on the fucking stairs drip
down just so my mom could bitch at him.
I always blame my mom too at that times.

(17:45):
Like why'd you tell dad I was acting up?
Or why don't you do something when it beats me?
Why don't you stop it? So I I start building resentment
on her there until that one day I see her stand up for me
because I choked a lot when I was a kid with food.
So I used to run and get those cups back then you don't have
big cups. He had those little cups like
this. So I always filled it up and
drink it and I was choking hard.But I see my dad when I get up,

(18:07):
my mom, you know, and my dad goes, no, you're not getting up
with no more water. And I start choking.
I'm like, you know, my mom goes,gets up, goes go get water.
He gets something Dexter right in the face.
And that's the first time I've seen that.
I was like, my mom doesn't have my back.
But I was so angry at that time.Honestly, if I was a little
older, I'd probably take them out.
And that's how angry it was, youknow.
But it wasn't until later on. Those beat me so bad when I went

(18:30):
down to the kitchen while they after they beat me, they went to
the living room and you know, there's a little ledge that
separates the living room and the kitchen.
I went in there, I got the biggest knife I got.
I remember I was like 7 years old as eight years old Max.
I went in there. I stuck it right here, right
between the, the chest where I slid the dent.
I put the tip right there and I was like, I looked back, I
looked at them and I had the image where like once I plunge

(18:53):
it in, I want to pull it out andI'm going to spread the bloody
hell over the walls. And then my mom's going to freak
and they're all going to have a heart attack.
Imagine that and I was crying atthe same time, but I put it in
and I could feel the tip. But it wasn't that time, man,
you know what I mean? I was so angry, like I just
couldn't do it. Plus I was scared.

(19:13):
That was at 7 years old. 7-8 tops, Yeah, damn tops.
But I put it back and I just like, you know what, for the
next several, several times, I'mjust going to, I'm just going to
endure it, right. But all these beatings, I
understand what it was now, where I was going and where my
head was heading. I need to be fucking tough.
There's no no room for being a pussy out there, you know what I

(19:35):
mean? I'm getting goosebumps, a little
watery, but you know what I mean?
It's like I need to be that, that kind of man, you know what
I mean? It's like my mind is, is, is is
pretty conditioned now, right? So things I could, I could
endure by myself, you know? But yeah, but wasn't too long.
I get into a lot of fights growing up, really big fights,

(19:57):
like a lot of fights, you know? But it wasn't till upgrade. 9 or
10, yeah. I had problems with these
Vietnamese guys at high school. That's when it got real serious.
There's a whole bunch of them, you know, back in these
Vietnamese people always hang big groups, you know, you, I'm
minding my own business. They come up, bump into me.
This little guy, you know, really like 2 foot nothing guy.

(20:19):
I don't know what he was. Short guy bumped into me and
looked at him. He was like, he was like, what's
up? You know?
And he let everything go. Next thing you know is they all
come after Select like it was a break time.
They all come like, you know what's going on with Vietnamese?
Why? Why are you causing trouble, my
friend? And I'm like, how much trouble
you mucked into me? You know, me goes over all
Vietnamese. Squash it.

(20:40):
OK, Squash it. And at this time, I had a chip
on my shoulder as well. You know, it's just like, ain't
nobody going to pick on me and get away with it, you know what
I mean? It's like you can't do what my
dad did to me all these years. 3-3 days passed.
I thought I was all squashed. I do carry a knife on me, you
know what I mean? At all times, you know what I
mean? I had to chip on my I know I'm
going to, if I have to take someone, I'm going to take

(21:02):
someone. You know, I'm not going to think
twice. But three days later, I thought
everything was squashed. I walked by with my friend.
I hear bells ringing. Like holy shit, why is there
bells ringing? Like it was really loud when I
realized it's not bells is out. I'm getting pounded by, you
know, back those poo poo cues you could take apart.
They're a smashing my head 6-7 of them beating me and that's

(21:23):
where I was hanging the ringing from.
But I was just walking and feeling no pain, no nothing.
I just hear it ringing. I'm like, holy shit, church
bells are going off. And when I turn around I'm like,
I still have the scars and you see it lightly and I was like
about 1415 I seen bash the shit out of me.
Then that's like I dropped my bag.
I start running and then I hearda voice in my head.

(21:43):
Why are you running for pussy? Stop running and fucking fight
them. Stop being a pussy and running
like this. I stopped.
I turned around. I couldn't fight them.
There's too much of them, but they I let them beat the shit on
me. So they really beat me, but they
couldn't take me to the floor. In my life.
I probably fell to the floor once.
That was once in my life. I'm very hard headed guy.

(22:07):
They all took off. When they took off, I heard that
voice again. Go get them, go get them.
And there's things that my face felt squished in.
I could hear people's voices, like whoa, what the all these
voices. It was weird, like the sounding,
you know, like, hey, what's up? It's like that, a whole bunch of
different voices. Then the curious voice came
Uncle's go get them. I was like, oh shit.

(22:29):
I remember my knife. I pulled it out, ran after the
guy. That's right at Bathurst and
Harbour. One guy stayed back.
He he like this. I held the knife underneath here
so he couldn't see it. So I ran up to him and I said
today's his day, he's gone. He's gonna be the first guy I'm
taking out ran up to him. He swung a blocked and I got him

(22:49):
right here first right in the neck area.
He bent over and I just went this on his back.
He moved over to his ribs and fed him into his ribs.
He fell down and said stabbing and stabbing him until I felt
something in my hand. I was like, oh fuck the blade
broken. I was like it was cutting my own
hand. And when I stopped, I remember,
only thing I remember is, is this lady, this white lady's

(23:09):
face in in the car, her jaws areopen.
She's like looking at me like, what the heck?
That's when I realized, like, it's time to get the hell out of
here. Yeah, but cops came, took me
away. That's my first incident.
Went to jail, you know so. How old are you?
14151415 or something like that.So that's my son's age right

(23:33):
now. And I haven't told him anything
about my past life, Right. But yeah, as I talk about this,
my ego, I could feel my ego and hyped up about it, you know,
that like the excitement, it's crazy.
Like a lot of times I try to shut it down, but it it, you can
never fully get rid of it. It's always there.
You got to coexist with it. But just know it's there as long

(23:55):
as you're aware of it, you know?But yeah.
What I have to ask this but the other kid does he what happened
to him? He lived, he lived, they all
carried him to the hospital, youknow, he lived in.
He, he said it hurt a lot and hekept changing the stories,

(24:16):
right? So that's, that's the reason I
beat that charge. His story changed later on when
I went to jail again. I met his friend in there, one
of his buddies there that day. And he's saying that he didn't
want to rat because his mom madehim rat, you know what I mean?
But whatever it was done when, you know, I mean, I was at that
time. I'm like, you know what?
I'm glad I did what I did because it's going to teach him

(24:38):
a lesson for the rest rest, restof his life.
When he lifts up that shirt to take a shower, he's gonna
remember my face, you know what I mean?
That's what you get. You know, you sometimes you
think you might have a big group, you might feel brave, but
you never underestimate somebody's violence level.
Especially nowadays, yeah. I mean, it's so scary nowadays.
Like, you don't know, like I betyou those guys never thought

(25:00):
that that was going to happen, right?
How do you look back on that now?
Like, how do you like, how do you feel about that now?
I, I look at that and it's very senseless.
It could have been avoided, right?
It could have been avoided so easily.
That's the of experience and advice I'm teaching my kids.
Like one thing that happened, change your life in the blink of

(25:21):
an eye. You have to be aware of that
situation and just walk. You don't lose nothing by
walking away. You know what I mean?
And I know my son's into basketball right now.
So I told my experience where instead of stabbing, I said I
punched that guy so bad he went to the hospital.
And because of that, I got expelled.
You know, I lost everything. You know, I did play basketball
at that time, too. And after that, sports was done

(25:43):
for me. Yeah, you know.
Yeah, it's almost like you, you hit a road and you're, you
either choose the street life oryou choose the academic, you
know, sports life, right. So I guess, you know, you ended
up choosing the the street life for a while and you want to talk
more about like what happened after that?
Yeah, it's like after that I gotbail.
My parents bailed me out. I was just wandering around it.

(26:06):
It was a it was a depressing time, you know what I mean?
But it wasn't too long after that.
That's like, I got to make money, you know?
So I was like, how can I make money?
This is this is the first time being exposed to like, I'm
looking around them. I grew up in the hood, you know,
some people always selling crackaround, you know what I mean?
I'm like, all right, let's start.

(26:27):
I don't have money to start. So I said, you know what, let's
do this. I got chestnuts.
I'll break up the chestnut into like big 20 pieces, you know
what I mean? Wrapping in a bag and I start
going through those. What do you call them?
Junkies? And I'm like, what do you want?
And he wants this. I'll give it to him to find it
Mini. He gives me the money.
I start walking and running. He looks at it.
He goes, hey, I got my freaking money.

(26:49):
And that was the first taste of money.
You know, I'm like, all right, start doing into robberies,
start robbing them. Then after that start robbing
people. You know what I mean?
And it it, it escalate each timeit's it's start getting more
violent. And you know, a lot of times my
friends will be like, you'll just chill, you know, but like
I, I have this. What do you call that in

(27:09):
Vietnamese in translator? It'll be like crazy blood.
It's like when I fight people aswell.
I I'll stomp people and when it starts twitching and foaming,
all these shit coming out of themouth, my friends have to pull
me away because when I see bloodand stuff, I go, it gets me off,
you know, like I want to see more like, and they go, you're
going to kill that guy. I go, what do you think I'm

(27:30):
trying to do? You don't jump on someone's head
2 foot if you're not trying to kill them.
You know, you don't. I don't hit for fun, you know
what I mean? Because I believe if, if you
nobody's going to show you mercy.
If vice versa, if I was on the ground, don't fucking give it to
me. So why give mercy in the
beginning? You know, if you're going to do
it, do it. If you're not going to do it,
don't do it at all. Right.

(27:50):
I mean, that's all you knew growing up, right?
That's it because like I said, you know, my dad beat the shit
out of me man. And and the first time, first
time I actually got my balls up was this black guy like he
picked on me a lot. Then one day I just pushed him
all right, just going back again.
I push him on the floor and I thought he's going to get him

(28:10):
whoop my ass because I'm going to call my older brother after
you. And I realized, holy shit, this
guy looks scary enough to me, but looks or nothing, you know?
But yeah. But anyways, going back a
robbery start escalating, then got caught with two guns after
that again. You know what I mean?
It was it wasn't it wasn't real guns B BS BB guns.

(28:33):
Me and my buddy got 2 BB guns and start robbing people.
And the cops came and arrested us for that.
We got caught again. So the second time I went in was
after I beat that charge, after I beat that charge, before I
beat that charge. Oh yeah, that stabbing charge.
My mom took me to this place. It's like a inside someone's
house. It's like a psychic.
I don't believe in none of that shit.

(28:54):
Before I didn't understand a word what that Lady was saying.
But when she started her, her voice changed and I almost
laughed. I was holding it in so bad, you
know, I was like, but her voice is really high pitched change.
But then my mom explained to me,she goes, you're going to beat
this charge. But in the summer she sees
something. Either either I want to go in
jail for a long time or she seesa lot.

(29:15):
I'm going to a lot, a lot of blood in me, like leaking out,
like I'm going to be bleeding a lot or whatever.
Come to that time I beat that charge.
Couple months later in that summer, I got arrested with
those guns for armed robbery. I was like, holy shit, man.
You know what I mean. Coincidence or not, right?
It played out exactly like that.But the second time I went in,

(29:38):
it was a camp to me, you know what I mean?
You're young. You're young still.
You're hot, hot blooded. You meet connections in there,
you know what I mean? Yeah.
We had a few racial wars in there, was the Asians against
the blacks and blah, blah, blah.But, you know, we stand the
ground. We fight it.
We fight, you know? And it was an experience, that's

(29:59):
for sure, man. Yeah.
And then so you get out of thereand then I guess you do, you
start to participate in gangs and stuff now, like what?
What does that look like? There's a lot of people like I
never got into gangs, like I never got into gangs, but I'm
always associated with people like like that do business like
the Killers or the Hustlers. And it's just, it's like a

(30:19):
community. Everybody knew everybody.
But eventually people are going to beef here and there.
But like I never into like joining that.
That's kind of lifestyle, you know what I mean?
I always like making my money, but be more quietly, right?
I, I was just a kid. I never liked to be loud loud.
I used to make my money and just.
The attention. Yeah, you know what I mean?

(30:40):
But yeah. And then so I guess years go on
like this. How, how does one make the
transition from that life into where you are now and going back
to school and, you know, becoming a, a social worker and
practicing Reiki even like how do you make, how does was there
a moment where everything kind of changed or how did that play

(31:01):
out? Like I said, I lived a life.
I even went to Vancouver, grew weed at a time when it's
popular. I was around as everything.
We did a lot of fucked up shit up there too, man.
It got really bad, you know, I mean, we're the point where it's
like I even got shot at up, but they're in the car, you know
what I mean? It got really violent.
So but up to this point was about my, it was during COVID, a

(31:26):
year after COVID, that's when I start asking questions about my
life, really debating about it, right.
And the Angel thing came on the radio and I asked like, you
know, there's no angels. You know this angels prove it
change the radio station, they didn't change.
And I was like, see all this bullshit.
I was like 2 days later had a dream and I remember this dream.

(31:50):
I went to sleep, I put the headphones on and listened to my
affirmations like I usually do. And next thing I see Michael
Jordan come in my room. I'm like Michael Jordan.
I was like he comes sit beside my bed in my room.
He's talking to me about life. I'm like, I used to look up to
you man growing up, you know youeverything was about basketball
when I was younger, you know what I mean?
That was my escape, you know? So I was like oh shit, you're

(32:12):
here. But then realized when I
realized like what are you doingin my room?
When I realized, like when I realized I'm dreaming, you know,
it's like that state where you like, I'm in my own dream and
like what are you doing in my dream?
The lucid kind of dreaming, yeah.
Yeah, it's like when I asked himlike what you doing in my dream?
He smiled and his face changed and it was another face and it
was a lot of goosebumps, man. But it was like a orange glow,

(32:35):
like it was it was a it was a nice.
It wasn't so bright where you can't see buzz.
It's like a it's like a, a aura,you know what I mean?
And I seen his face. It was a male face.
And he hugged me. And he goes, you know what?
Just repeat these words after me.
Repeat my words. I'll take care of you, you know,
I'll help you out. And I go, OK.

(32:55):
And he hugged me. And that, that hug was swear to
God, I never felt even my own mom's hug.
Don't feel that nice, you know what I mean?
It was warm. It was really, really warm.
Like it's almost like you're going to be OK hug, you know?
It's like that kind of warm hug,you know?
But I woke up. My eyes were open wide out.
I got up. I'm like, well, what the hell
was that? You know, and the words that he
I was repeating from him was theaffirmation that I was listening

(33:18):
to it just lined up like that. And I'm like, I took it off from
the holy shit, what the hell happened?
You know, this is not a dream. This this was something else.
I went outside to meditate on the on the sofa.
My wife was sleeping and I was like, fuck, this is like look at
that times like 333340I went outside to meditate, close my
eyes and I felt I felt this. I felt I know it's it was that

(33:40):
Angel. I don't know if it's an Angel,
but I'm assuming it's an Angel because that's what I asked for,
right? But I felt and press it down my
head right on top of here, like it was just right down like a
press down, you know. Then after I sit there, I still
treat me up to to this to this day.
But two days later I was that that's when I lost my mind.

(34:00):
I was going through the spiral and what the Hell's going on
trying to figure it out. Two days later I have meditated
again. I go show me a sign, give me
proof that I'm not going crazy and this is actually happening.
It was during April about four years ago.
This April was different kind ofApril.
Everything was dry Gray, no grass, no leaves, no nothing.

(34:21):
It was just looks like a Gray, Gray wet day.
April. I go show me butterflies
tomorrow. You know, I want to see
butterflies because I know there's no insects or nothing
out there. I was about to say show me like
a blue, purple butterfly, but what's the odds of seeing that?
So I'm like, just show me a butterfly next day.
I've been driving around lookingfor it all day.

(34:41):
I'm looking for it, you know, any kind of butterfly.
Just so you know. Let me know.
I'm not going crazy. See nothing.
When I started to pick up my kids after school, I seen my
first white butterfly fly acrossthe street.
The time I picked them up, picked my other kid and my wife
went home and seen seven butterflies.
They're all white and just wasn't sure.
I'm gonna make sure I wasn't crazy.
I asked my son, is that a butterfly?

(35:02):
He goes, yeah. And the weird, that was not only
the weirdest part, it gave me a goosebump and my heart was
sinking in my stomach. I'm like, oh man, this is
actually happening. You know what I mean?
Like, like it's like the excitement almost like, but at
the same time, it's scary. It says this is real, man.
Wasn't that was April. It wasn't July that we all of us

(35:22):
are seeing like butterflies comeout.
So there's a big gap in between just to let me know like this,
this is real. And from that point on,
everything changed, like my experience changed.
That was for me, it was, it was my wake up call man, Like stop.
What the fuck you doing? Because now this, like I said in
class, would you still do the same thing you do now if you

(35:44):
knew someone was watching? And I know there's a higher
power up there. And I dropped everything.
I threw away my phone, I just threw it away, flushed the stuff
down the toilet that had other stuff.
I, I talked to my guys that I had left and I, I told him, I'm
sorry, you know, I'm sorry for being this guy, like giving it
to you all this time. You know what I mean?

(36:06):
It was about money and everything, but I'm sorry, you
know, I had to go put you through this and they're saying,
you know what, it wasn't you. It wasn't you would have been
someone else. But I told him, you know, this
all I can do for you. I'd rather you get help and get
off this. But if you want, you can have
this so you don't have to at least pay for it.
You're talking about like the addicts that you were dealing

(36:28):
with. Yeah, Yeah.
And, and some of them will give it to me.
I go. You sure he goes?
Yeah. So I gave him like it was a lot,
man. It's like one of them wanted
about $40,000 worth. I gave him $40,000 worth.
The other guy took about probably 5, five, $6000 worth.
And the rest were is more pure. I just flushed it.
And that stuff will fuck people up.

(36:49):
They don't know what they're doing.
So I just flushed the rest away.And the phone that broke it up,
threw it away, you know what I mean?
And it's just like, that was it that that's sealed my family's
fate. No money's coming in at this
point now, but I had to do it because it's the right thing to

(37:10):
do. You, you cannot hurt people like
that. You know what I mean?
Like it came to a point realization now, like, like it
was like, everybody is a human, everyone has a soul down to
animals now to a point where if I see a cockroach or a bug, I
pick it up, throw it outside thehouse.
If I see like a little bug moth come in, release it, I don't

(37:32):
kill nothing, at least not on prison.
If I crush hold it, I crush it by accident.
If I crush it by accident, then I I say sorry but everything
down to twigs on the tree. I don't break it off.
Because they all have feelings, man.
Just because we don't understandsomething or we can't, they
don't speak our language, doesn't mean it doesn't have a
life, doesn't mean it doesn't know how to hurt, doesn't know

(37:52):
how to cry, doesn't mean no one knows how to mourn, right?
It might look different to us, but imagine what those bugs look
at us and go look at us and whatthey say, you know what I mean?
Same with spiders. Scrap it, put it outside the
house, let them, let them live, you know?
But that experience changed me, man.
It's just, it's, it's just how it is, right?

(38:16):
Like even the weird things. Even 2 days ago, I just wanted
to confirm because, you know, I just want to make a
confirmation. I'll go listen.
I talked to my guides. I go listen.
I just want, I just want like a confirmation again, you know,
just show me butter, not butterflies.
What's that? Ladybug.
Let a ladybug be near me. Two days ago, my wife came out.

(38:39):
She goes, oh, she woke up beforeme, went in the washroom.
He's like, oh, this bug. I said OK.
Then I was brushing my teeth. She goes, oh, there's another
one. I go, what kind of bug?
She showed me. It's on a shirt.
There's a ladybug inside the house, you know what I mean?
So I say, OK, that's my confirmation.
You know, I mean, I get numbers as well that I I see numbers of

(39:01):
how how it connect, how we contact a girl.
What's that word I'm trying to use?
How it talks to me, you know, like connects.
Communicates. Communicates, yes.
So I've got these numbers and they just, it's like, don't
doubt yourself. The path that you're on is the
right path. Stop doubting yourself and since
four years ago I said getting these kind of messages, these
numbers and every time I decipher them it it tells me

(39:24):
like even talks about disconfirmit.
I have this on my arm. It says carp.
DM on. Your hand.
On my hand. And then when things were when I
was really down four years, I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know where to start. They told me like what happened
to Carp DM and that message, what happened to this?
That that, that saying seize theday.
What happened to it? You know what I mean?

(39:44):
You're sitting in your ass too long, you know, get up and do
something. So I tried to do my YouTube
channel, but I, I couldn't, I couldn't do like this, like
sitting with you a four years ago.
I was not ready for it, you know, I wasn't at that level
yet. I was really down.
I was like really soaking in that pity stage almost, you
know, and money was just going outgoing, outgoing out for four

(40:05):
years. That didn't work.
Not a single dollar came in. You know what I mean?
It's just all gone after that. And I was dwelling on I lost
this. I lost this.
And they, they could reassure me, you.
Everything will be come back. There's there's no such thing as
losing this stuff. You know what I mean?
Don't worry about losing materials and stuff.
Focus on your path and your journey.
Find a skill, go to school. And at that time I'm like, go to

(40:27):
school. I hate school, you know what I
mean? It's like there's nothing there
for me. Why would I want to go to
school? And that's the problem with the
school system too. They teach stuff that you don't
want to learn. Like this is how I see.
Like why would you want to learnabout science?
Nothing wrong with it, but if you're not going to get into
that field, why you got to learnabout something you don't want
to do, right? So I wasn't ready for it.

(40:51):
Like, no, I don't want to learn that skill.
The school I sat on for four years and and now that I'm
coming on my show, like this is the first year I felt a shift in
me. There's a shift going on.
I don't know what kind of shift it is, but can't explain it.
But this year I feel upbeat, really, really upbeat.
Like my energy is it's really up.
I feel like I'm, I'm, I could bemyself more where I'm, I'm

(41:12):
talking to people. Like the school really helped me
too. Like I'm.
Your personality is coming out, yes.
So I find out these four years, when I thought I was lost, I was
actually shitting my old self. You can't, you can't come out of
the you can't come out of the fire if there's no ashes.
Your old self has to burn down and turn into ashes before you

(41:33):
could rise again. You know what I mean?
And that was that process when you felt lost, I was actually
figuring out who I really was, you know, So it took me 4 years
to four years of introspection, even where there's a point where
as I was washing dishes and alsomy old self, my younger self
popped in my head. And for that split, whatever

(41:53):
second, whatever, I forgot I wasdoing dishes and I, I seen him.
I was right there by him when he's crying and I told him why
you crying? And he's like, you know, I hate
my dad and this and that and he's crying.
I'm like, don't worry, you're going through this for a reason.
You know, what you're going through is going to make you
tougher so you can handle it outthere.

(42:14):
You know what I mean? And at that moment, I just
bawled like boogers, like, like snot, like just, I never cried
like that in my life, man. It's just coming out crying out.
I'm like, where the hell is thiscoming from?
It's shedding your old self, youknow, really like tell my old,
my younger self, it's OK. I you forgive.
I forgive everything. Don't worry about that stuff.
You know what I mean? I forgive everything that's

(42:35):
going on. I think that's so important,
man, is talking to your younger self, right?
Like a lot of a lot of therapists that I've worked with
have have gone to that sort of method, modality of, of therapy
where it's like, yeah, we've alldone bad shit, right?
It's it's all subjective, right?Like, you know, sure, somebody
could have done worse shit than me and but it's, it's, it's,

(42:58):
it's, it's how you view it, right?
Like how I did this thing and it's and it's your relationship
with yourself as a result of what you did, right?
So if I, you know, stole something from a grocery store
and somebody else murdered somebody, right?
Those are two very different things, obviously viewed by the
law. But the way I look at at it is
what matters, right? So if I don't care that I store

(43:20):
that stole that thing, then it'sit's not affecting me, right?
I'm I didn't do anything bad in my opinion, right?
But if I'm looking at that everyday and like, you're a piece of
shit, you're fucking, you know, you're robbing and you're
stealing and you're a bad person, you're a bad person,
you're a bad person every day, right?
That starts to affect you over the time.
And the importance of forgiveness, like it can't be
understated. You know what I mean?
Like you have to, to do any sortof transformation.

(43:42):
There's going to be forgiveness involved, whether it's others
who have wronged you or yourself, right?
I'm sure you've been wronged by a lot of people.
I'm sure you've wronged a lot ofpeople.
How do you, I guess what I want to know is like, how do you get
to that stage of, of forgiveness?
Like how do you look at forgiveness?
Forgiveness to me comes home experience like it's almost like

(44:05):
I kind of came into it by accident going through this
process, right? And it's been shown like
forgiveness is not even somebodywronged you.
For instance, when you say I forgive you, you, you're not
really forgiving that person. You're forgiving yourself to
unleash you from those burdens that holds you down where you
can't move forward, anger, anger.

(44:28):
And you can't forgive somebody for that.
There's always hold it resentment.
It holds you back to the past. And and when you don't want to
be stuck there because at the when you're held in the past,
you're stuck there, you can't move forward.
You know what I mean? And it's in it darkens your soul
to a point where it's like it could be sunny outside, but all
you see is clouds. You know, your life sucks.
It sucks. You know, it's like a it's like

(44:50):
a total bowl full of shit without the flush mechanism.
You know what I mean? You know it stinks, but all you
have to do is just close the lid.
But you all you focus on that flush mechanism and you're like,
stinks, man. I can't flush it.
You know what I mean? It's like that.
Just let go of it. It's like a heavy knapsack you
wear for years and your shoulders get sunken down.

(45:10):
It hurts your spine. Now let it go.
All you do is take it off and you be like, whoa, that's your
enlightenment. That's your freedom.
You just freed yourself. So that goes back to saying, you
know, I forgive you. It's really you forgiving
yourself. It's OK.
You know what I mean? That's part of the experience.
It's OK to let go. Let it go.
Let it, let them go. Let yourself free.

(45:33):
Move forward. You know, you don't want that
kind of burden, man. It's a burden.
Yeah, resentment is one of my favorite quotes.
And I always say this, but resentment is like drinking
poison and hoping the other person dies.
There you go. You're just like, they're not
even thinking about you, right? Because for whatever reason,
they got their own shit going onand they're renting space in
your head and not paying a cent,right?
It's just their everyday that shit is just in your head.

(45:56):
And how are you supposed to let in new ideas and positive
thoughts when you're just like, those negative thoughts take up
so much more space too than the positive ones, I find.
And the positive ones, they comeand go a lot quicker.
Negative ones, they'll just sit in there, right.
And if you don't to get it out and tell somebody about it.
Oh, man, I have lots of experience with that, where it's
just like ruminating and ruminating and room.

(46:18):
And then it just turns into you're a piece of shit.
You're a piece of shit, You're bad, you're bad, right?
And yeah, to your point, it's that's a great analogy.
I love that this is the the fleshing mechanism.
All you're focused on is what what's broken when all you have
to do is close the lid. Love that analogy.
That's amazing. Stink is gone.
You know what? I.
Mean and you can't even see it anymore right it's.
But it's the powers of mind too,you know, it's, it's the mind is

(46:41):
what makes you suffer. It could be your greatest tool
or your worst enemy, you know what I mean?
So it's, it's, it's almost of the sufferings all in, it starts
in the head, you know what I mean?
Everything's attachments to everything.
It's like I, I, I remember hearing this one guru, he's
saying we people see life backwards.
You know how people have materials and they're, so

(47:01):
they're so appreciative of that.They hold it like it's worth the
world, right? It's like my wife when she gets
a bag back then she she loves itso much.
She she'll hold it. She's like, Oh my God, so
precious. I don't want to wear it and
dirty it. We're seeing things backwards.
That's how you're supposed to see life.
Life is precious. It's beautiful materials.

(47:22):
It's just to use, right? Don't fear it.
You got to use it. It's a tool.
It's a tool, you know what I mean?
But people see things backwards.Life is beautiful.
Everyone comes in this world like, oh you know, folk, social
media and the media, the news, they're always showing you what
you don't have, what you lack inlife and makes people miserable.

(47:42):
Focus on what you do have and what you do have.
I guarantee you there's people out there that will be willing
to die for it. You know what I mean?
I appreciate what you have. Humans don't know what they have
till it's gone, you know what I mean?
And what you have is special to you is cater to you for your
journey. Don't compare to other people's
journey because you're not on the same lane.

(48:04):
You know, you could have compared yourself to the
Joneses, but you Joneses have their own problems.
You know what I mean? And and you're not the Joneses,
right? A lot of people you, your
suffering comes from, how do I say the suffering comes from
your expectations of life? You expect your life to be a
certain way by the time you're this age.
And then when it doesn't match what how you think of it is in

(48:28):
your head, you get depressed andlike, I'm a failure this and
that. No, I don't think like that.
You know what I mean? Life itself works on divine
timing. You're at the right place in
your life right now, even thoughit doesn't seem like it.
Your experience is unique. Suffering and hardship is a good
thing. We're taught that is a bad

(48:49):
thing. That's how growth happens.
That's how you learn and you grow as a as a person.
Your soul grows right. The good times you don't grow
from, but the good times are rewards for going through the
bad times or challenging times. I don't like to say bad times,
they're challenging times. That's the reward you get,

(49:11):
right? But you got to grow as an
individual, otherwise you're going to be stale.
And there's nothing worse than being stale.
There's somebody, I'm quoting somebody, I don't know who, who
this is. It said #1 best thing to do,
it's the right thing. The second best thing to do is
the wrong thing. The worst thing to do is
nothing. You know, I don't know who said

(49:32):
that, but I heard them like, that's good.
Yeah, I think Tony Sopranos has something similar in the show
where it's like, yeah, like in action is the worst type of
thing that you can do, right? Or I'm terribly misquoting that
or paraphrasing it. But yeah, sometimes sitting on
your hands is the worst thing you can do.
Sometimes it's the it's the bestthing you can do, right, in

(49:52):
terms of biting your tongue. And, you know, I have to do that
a lot, right? Where it's like, hey, maybe I
don't need to have an opinion about this right now, you know,
is my opinion. What's my motive here?
That's that's what I ask myself now is like before I say
anything or do anything. And I, I'm I fault at this all
the time, right? I'm still learning.
But to your point, this is how the growth happens.
Am I trying to disprove this person to embarrass them?

(50:12):
Am I trying to feel better aboutmyself by making someone else
feel bad, right? Like what's my motive here?
What am I trying to do? Am I trying to put someone down
or am I actually trying to help,right?
And sometimes when you try to help, it goes the wrong way too.
But if you know in your heart that you had the right
intention, you know, that's freedom to me, right?
It's it's freeing enough. It's like I tried to do the
right thing. To your point, we don't always,
we don't always do know what theright thing is to do either,

(50:35):
right? And that's why meditation and
spirituality is so important to me, because sometimes I think
what the right thing to do it, it ends up being the wrong
thing. And then it's like, OK, this
happened. Now I can look back in
retrospect and be like, yeah, maybe I shouldn't do that again,
right? Maybe that was not the right
thing to do at that time. You know, I'm interested in the
the Reiki Reiki, Reiki Reiki. How can you explain what what

(50:59):
that is and how you got into it?Yes, this is pretty.
Yeah. Ever since that I was, I don't
know, it was awakening or whatever that process I had was
called. Like, I still have no name for
it, you know, but whatever was that brought my awareness out,
right. And, and then I was searching
for answers. Like I said, I went to psychics
even though I know the like they're phony, whatever, it's

(51:21):
just I'm paying them just to talk to them because at that
time when this happened, I had no one to go turn to.
I almost lost my family. They thought I was, I lost my
mind even though I kept reassuring them like I'm still
me. Like you know me well enough.
You know what, I'm not crazy, you know what I mean?
But it like, it sounds crazy, you know?
But sorry, it's interesting though, that the people closest
to you, when you, when you make the right decision, like you're

(51:44):
faced with that adversity of like, Oh no, this is the wrong
thing for you. And often that happens in our
lives where when we're on the right path, you get the haters,
you get the doubt, you get everyone telling you not to do
it because it's like, it's like this kind of tension and
adversity and resistance. That's what I was looking for
resistance towards doing, following your path.

(52:06):
Right, Sorry, continue. I just.
I thought that was interesting when.
You're on your right path and you're in alignment.
Those who vibe with you will come with you.
Those who don't, it's going to be left behind.
You know what I mean is and you will find out you know, like it
just automatically happen. It's like magnets.
If you're the same magnet, it's going to push it away.

(52:29):
You know what I mean? Is that you can't get close
right? But we're on the verge.
They do. It was it was real bad, man.
But I I kept moving forward, youknow, like, where do I get
answers? Like someone like me, They just
coming off the streets, like whodo you talked about this stuff?
Like where do you go? Right.
So I went to a few psychics and just talked to them and just to
talk to them. And that's all there is.

(52:50):
When I was done, it's like, OK, here's the money.
Thank you, you know, and just go, you know, and I felt
lighter, but the same time I didn't get I didn't get my
answer, you know, and these guyscan provide them for four years.
I never know. Give me that answer.
I just had to figure it out. You know what's happening to me?
You know, like it took me 4 years.
It could have been maybe sooner,but it took me 4 years.

(53:14):
Sorry, what's the question? Reiki, Reiki.
Oh, yeah, Reiki. Yeah, I kind of drift off a lot,
but yeah. But yeah, it's looking through
the Internet like it's learning about shockers.
Like these kind of things pop upinto my my YouTube channels and
something like, I'll get it. Yeah.
So I'm like, what is Reiki? I looked at his energy inside
you. So I was like, I was reading up
on all the energy chakras. I'm like, OK, maybe I'm pretty

(53:37):
low on the on the bottom chakra and the root chakra.
So I went into a Ricky made appointment with a Ricky master.
And the first time I went in there, I was kind of like
uptight. That's kind of protecting
myself. She she pointed out too, she
goes, look at your shoulders because I was like, she was,
you're protecting your heart, you know, because my shoulders

(53:57):
always like, I was like really closing it in, you know what I
mean? Like I was moved in.
Yeah, it's closed off, right, Protecting myself.
And she did her thing. Anyway, she's talking to me and
trying to get like, like trying to get to know me better.
But anyways, after all that talking about me, she, she did
the, the, the, the, the, the session on me.
I didn't honestly, when I was done, I was like, she goes, how

(54:18):
do you feel now? I go, I feel better.
But really, I didn't feel shit, you know, I go this bullshit,
Ricky's garbage, you know, I mean the waste of my money.
Again, just like the psychics, you know what I mean?
I thought there's nothing that'll help, man.
Anyways, I was looking through it again.
I seen learn Ricky. I'm like, well, Ricky doesn't
work, but maybe she doesn't knowwhat she's doing.
You know, not every not one-size-fits-all right?

(54:40):
So I'm not saying she's shit. It's just nothing happened with
me. There is no connection there,
right? I didn't feel nothing.
So anyways, I'll call up this Ricky Master, this lady and it
says she's also a medium and allthat stuff and everything.
That's like, OK, let's let's book that.
I won't mind learning it. Maybe if I learn it'll be
different. So I mean appointment her that

(55:01):
that couple months later. So I went to see her first time
I came to see her, I said, oh man, this is going to be just
kind of like, let's do this, this the next journey, right?
I walked in, introduced myself, she saw me went upstairs and she
goes, she goes, close your eyes.I close my eyes, she goes what
colour do you see? I said OK, there is a colour pop

(55:22):
in my head, what colour it was yellow and what colour you see
she was yellow. I'm like what the fuck?
OK, that's one. And before I went to see her I
remember I made it to you that night.
I go guides, ask my guides to make sure that I know she's
real. Ask her something like let her

(55:43):
know something about me, you know what I mean?
Just ask, let her ask a questionabout me or something that she
knows about me just so I know it's real.
But she started looking through the Ricky stuff, like teaching
me these like where Ricky originated from and all that
stuff. So we went through all that
paperwork and you know, like where it came from and who's the
founder and all that stuff. Then we started doing those

(56:05):
symbols that comes with Reiki, right?
So I started writing down their symbols, you know, writing them
down and she explained what eachone does.
And then she goes, she just stopped.
She looked at me. She goes, you're a real hard
worker. But at the moment I, I wish I
asked them more like, where did I come from?
But it never crossed my mind at that moment.
I was just more focused on the words and stuff.

(56:28):
But anyways, we're just doing itall.
And then she did my tournament. So the tournament was that I
closed my eyes. She put the guys there like a
little shrine. She's doing her chants and
smudging stuff. She did stuff and and then she
blew smoke through much. I did something, I don't
remember man, but something likethis and she blew through my
hand. I'm like, whoa, that was kind of

(56:49):
like like a cold, cold air coming through my hands right
when I left, I was like, I just go, I just got hose, you know,
there goes my money again. I didn't feel nothing and it's
like I got two men. So what, you know what I mean?
Had a good talk with her, you know, like expressed a lot of
things out and all that stuff. But I went home that day.

(57:09):
I left around 4, something around 7:00 that day of sitting
watching TV. Awesome.
My hands are buzzing, man. I'm like, whoa, what the fuck is
this? It's like, you know, you know,
the TV, the salt and pepper screens, like it's just
blackness. Yeah.
It felt like, oh, then both my palms, I'm like, whoa.
And it's strong, man. It was like deep inside my hand,
I'm like, what the fuck did I say?

(57:29):
I start hearing like high pitched noises.
I'm like, whoa, what the hell isthis?
You know what I mean? Until now when I meditate, I
still hear the buzzing and a lotof bird chirping.
For some reason I hear a lot of birds tripping when there's no
birds around. It's weird.
But yeah. Anyways, after that I start
attuning. I started doing it to myself and

(57:50):
which it it doesn't work on myself.
I don't find you know what I mean.
What? What is that?
Can you explain it? There's like you, pretty much
everything is intentions, right?You set intentions before you do
anything. I like to bless the area,
cleanse it, but it's intentions what you want and you state your
intentions and you ask for the beings to help assist you.

(58:12):
You know, obviously you're beings.
You you have to say like certainlike certain things.
I'll say is like I call upon past Reiki masters, healers,
teachers, guides. If you come join me in the
session with only with guides from the highest light and
compassion to come join me. Anything dark is is not wanted.

(58:33):
They can't come in without your,your, your invitations.
Like people play Ouija boards, the inviting stuff to come in
all right. But you set your intentions.
And then it's like, what it whatwhat's in my intention is to
heal myself. You know, I mean to heal
negative energy and I do it anyways, but it doesn't work on
me. And that was it until I started
asking my my, my oldest son. He's like my knees hurt.

(58:55):
Can you help me? And I said I want to do Reiki.
I'll help you Reiki. It took him about a week.
He's like, you don't want to do it right.
But after a week it was OK, I'lldo it.
So he sat down. I sit and chin and you know, and
set intentions. I knocked that bowl, cleanse the
area I did it from. And while I'm doing it, I could
feel his legs twitching like he says he could feel it.
You know, it's just the time I was done.

(59:16):
He got up. He said.
He said woah. I was like what?
Because then it's gone. I'm like, oh, OK, that's pretty
cool. I did it for my youngest son, my
youngest son. I did it for him way before I
knew I did Reiki because I put my hand on his stomach and he's
just like, whoa, dad, it feels so good.
His stomach ache is gone. Whatever.

(59:37):
Anyways, OK, I'm kind of gettingall over the place here.
But I did go back for the secondone, become a record
practitioner and that's when shebrought in people for me to do
Reiki on, practice on. And is the head everyone?
I do the head don't really feel nothing.
It's just when I get to the bodythat's I guess when that's when
I'm more relaxed. They say the energy is really
strong and I did it for them. They say the energy is really

(01:00:01):
strong. I hope they're do a, a yoga
Reiki class. I just volunteered just practice
and they did it and I got feedback from those people.
There she goes. I feel your energy.
You know, that's kind of reassuring me, right?
I'm a neighbor recently, a couple months ago he had what's
that thing called the pancreas. Pancreatic.
Yeah, he took it out. Oh oh.

(01:00:23):
Fuck. Something that was pancreas on I
can't remember. When they take out your
appendicitis. Appendix, Yeah.
Appendicitis. Yeah, it is.
Somewhere around here. Yeah, they take out your
appendix. Yeah, they took it out.
He's bad shape. He's about to like he was about
to die. He didn't get that surgery.
He was pale. He's down.
And he came up to me and I was like, you know what?
Just, you know, I don't want people in the building think I'm

(01:00:45):
crazy. So I'm like, listen, I do this
thing called Reiki, you know, itmay may not help you, but if you
if you want, I'm more than willing to help you, you know,
and they jump that right away. Yes, you know, So before go give
me a day or so, I'll come over next day I came over, I told
them you don't mean this is whatthe process is going to be like.

(01:01:07):
You may or may not feel nothing.If you feel something, it's
normal. You don't feel nothing.
It's also normal, you know what I mean?
You have a face cloth that goes wide.
I got to cover your eyes, man. We can't lock eyes, eyes.
And when we're doing this, you know, it's going to be weird,
you know? I can't look at you guys and be
normal after that, you know? Yeah, I got to see you every
Tuesday or whatever. It's weird, you know, but I told

(01:01:27):
your family has to go to the other room because I don't want
their energy mixed up and everything, you know?
I mean, so take your phones out,everything low and just just
leave the room. Clear did it.
I did it for him, dude. When I was, the time was done,
probably 25 minutes, half an hour when I was done, man, holy
shit. He was different.
He was different. He got up.

(01:01:48):
He's even more alive. He's just color in his face goes
whoa. He's more so relaxed.
He's like, that was good, man. You know, his wife came out
afterwards. He looked at him and goes, holy
shit. He goes, yeah, I feel good.
I feel really good. I did it for him two more times,
two more times after that. And I was supposed to do more,
but at that time I thought, I'm going blind faster at that time,

(01:02:11):
right? I was losing my vision.
I was like, man, could this thing be sucking his energy into
me and it's causing it to speed up?
I wasn't too sure. So I told him that this is the
last session I could do for you.You know what I mean?
Because he knew. But my eyes?
My eye problems. Yeah, what's wrong with your
eyes? Just so people know.
I have a autoimmune. I built an autoimmune disease

(01:02:32):
just before that incident happened to me, you know what I
mean? I built this autoimmune disease.
They didn't know what it was fora whole year, didn't even know
it was autoimmune. So after found out what it was,
it's called you uveitis and attacks the eyes and it just
really sucks, eats up the eyes, you know what I mean?
But the medications I was on is it it it speed up the cataract

(01:02:55):
process. So cataracts are just building
up really real fast on me and itwas blinding me to a point where
everyone looked like ghosts, youknow what I mean?
It's just a blur, right? For a year and a half, brushing
my own teeth, I couldn't see my face, You know what I mean?
So. But I still drove.
I know. I still drove.
How to get food for the family, still do for like, you know,

(01:03:16):
stuff you need responsibilities,how to take care of it, you
know? So.
But yeah, but, you know, during that I also did lift driving,
you know, because I need to makemoney somehow.
I had no idea how to make money prior, you know, how to make
money legitimately. I did lift, and I was
embarrassed about that too, because, you know, I used to

(01:03:36):
look at cab drivers like they'recab drivers, you know?
But that's it. That thing kind of opened my
eyes too. Like you're human, you know?
They're just human just like me,you know?
But the good thing about that lift was I've met a lot of
spiritual people. Now, and you had a lot of
interesting conversations you were telling.
Me very interesting, like these people, like some of them were.
I swear they're knocking goosebumps again.

(01:03:56):
Some of them, they're human, butthey're not human.
I, I swear they're like, guys, let me know.
Like you're moving in the right direction, you know what I mean?
At that time, my, my vision was fading.
I met these people uplifting me,letting me know there's more,
more of me out there. Like they call it like a, what's
that? What's that word?

(01:04:17):
Light workers, You know, I mean,I checked it up and I was like,
oh shit, there's a lot more of those out there, you know?
Carrying the good energy lights,yeah.
It's just to like help people like it's a new shift happening
now and the shift is like peoplemore aware they're wakening up
the more aware right now and now's the time.
Like I'm ready now, you know, I mean I'm ready to tell my story

(01:04:39):
of it, you know, letting people know like there is life after
the streets. The street doesn't end there.
You know, there's, there's a lotto go on after that.
Other day I met my other friend like this.
I see him growing up. He sells a lot of drugs.
Just did I think like 3 years came out.
He goes, I don't know what to doman.

(01:05:00):
You know I can't get a job. I've no experience.
They don't they don't want people that have drug criminal
records. Fuck, what do I do?
You know what I mean? He goes, do I go back to the
streets? You know that.
Do I have to do that again? I go, you got to calm down a
little bit, you know what I mean?
What is it that you want to do? He goes get into construction,
but he goes, I can't get into itright now.

(01:05:21):
I go, you know what, you just got to breathe a little right
now. You got to focus on what you
have. Don't think about money, this
and this and that. You know, your wife been taking
care of you this whole time. You have kids, your daughters
that you missed for three years,They're growing now.
You know what I mean? They need their daddies there
for support. I go focus on what you have and
use that as a foundation insteadof looking at what you don't

(01:05:41):
have. Because if you look at what you
don't have, your ego's going to drive you right back to the
streets, man. And if something, this is your
second chance, if you fuck this up, your wife's going to leave
you. Your kids are never going to see
you again or see you the same way again.
Why is daddy always leaving us? Right?
And that comes to my point now about families.
Right now, if you, if you have kids out there, pay attention to

(01:06:04):
your kids, be there for your kids because what they lack at
home, they're going to go looking for it on the streets.
And that's when you find all thewrong things.
I look for a father figure out there and they use you.
You get used up there, you know what I mean?
So what? You lack a home you look for in
the streets, you look elsewhere for it.

(01:06:25):
I love that, man. Yeah, that's AI think that's
such an important message. I mean, you're proof of it,
right? Like, because, yeah, if I'm not
getting it at home, I'm going toget it somewhere and it's not
going to be in a good place, right?
Because not everybody has our best, best intentions.
Everyone's always looking out for themselves, you know what I
mean? But things change, right?
There's always hope. There's it's never too late in

(01:06:46):
life unless until you pass away.Yeah, I agree.
As long as you're alive, you canalways make that change.
But do you want that change? Forgive yourself.
Let you know yourself know. It's OK, It's OK.
Everything happened. It's OK.
Forgive yourself A move on. You know, what is it that you
really want to do in life? Use the experience.
Yeah. You.
You've been incarcerated. You've been incarcerated for a

(01:07:08):
reason. You did a lot of bad stuff.
What can you do out there? What can you contribute to
society now? You know, what can you give back
with your experience? There's people going through it.
Exactly what you're going through.
Not just St. stuff, other stuff like recovering addicts or
addictions. Use that.
It's your calling men. Use your experience.

(01:07:29):
You might have education or thatdiploma piece of paper, but you
have life experience and that isgolden.
To me, that is golden. You can't learn that stuff in
school use it is you went through it for a reason in light
in this life. Yeah.
What do you do with it now? Do you just shove it any to rug
or use it as your power and enlighten people show them

(01:07:53):
there's another There is a path beyond your that you know.
Yeah, yeah. It's not the end of the world,
man. I love it man.
And you're, you're a fine example of that today, right?
Like somebody needs to hear yourmessage and I'm happy that you
came down because, yeah, I appreciate you, man.
I, I feel a connection towards you and I'm excited to embark on
this, this journey going forwardand hopefully, you know, helping

(01:08:16):
one person at a time, right? That's the goal here.
Same here. I have a lot of respect for you
man. What you're doing too, you know.
Appreciate it. Thank you.
Thanks all. Hey.
No worries brother that. Was awesome.
Thank you. Thanks for listening.
Please help us grow the channel and like, share and subscribe
for more content. The discussions and stories
shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational
purposes only. This content is not a substitute

(01:08:39):
for professional medical advice,addiction treatment, or therapy.
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction,
please consult A licensed physician, addiction specialist,
or mental health professional. You are no longer alone.