Defensiveness KILLS relationships, not overnight but slowly. Painfully.
Like emotional water damage, you don’t notice until the floor caves in.
In this episode, relationship coach Jula (hi! that’s me) breaks down:
✶ Why your avoidant partner gets defensive-especially when all you want is closeness ✶ How anxious attachment can unknowingly trigger the "Four Horsemen" ✶ Gottman’s game-changing research on communication patterns that predict a breakup ✶ What defensiveness sounds like in everyday convos + texts ✶ How to respond in a way that softens walls, not raises them
If you’ve ever said: ➞ “Why do they always twist things?” ➞ “I just want to talk but it turns into a fight…” ➞ “I feel like I’m the only one trying…”
This episode is for YOU.
PLUS...you’ll also get a quick WEEKLY ACTION PLAN at the end...because awareness without action keeps you stuck. Let’s create real shifts
CHAPTERS:
00:00 Understanding Defensiveness in Relationships 01:27 When I was stuck in the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle 02:32 What Is Defensiveness in Relationships? 04:05 Real Life Examples of Defensiveness in Avoidant-Anxious Relationships 04:58 The 4 Horsemen of Relationship Doom 🐎🔥 05:25 🐎 01 Why Criticism Feels Like Protection (But Isn’t) 05:46 🐎 02 Defensiveness - The Avoidant’s Shield 🛡️ 06:14 🐎 03 Contempt The Silent Relationship Killer 06:39 🐎 04 Stonewalling - When Overwhelm Shuts Us Down 07:19 the ONLY thing you can CONTROL 08:38 The SOLUTION That Changes Everything ✨🪄 10:20 How to Start Differently - Gottman’s SOFT STARTUP Magic 11:55 My personal TWIST on GOTTMAN'S FORMULA 12:50 The REFRAME in your words that changed the energy 14:31 Being Vulnerable so they can be too 15:25 Long-term Tool: How to RAISE your vibration in your Relationship 16:34 5 Step Weekly Action Plan: Break the Criticism–Defensiveness Loop
OFFERS:
🖤📱 ON SALE: "Stop Obsessing Over Texts in 21 Days or Less" —
https://www.the-marriage-coach.com/textanxiety
(It's packed with tools to calm your anxious brain &
Finally stop spiralling after every “seen” or emoji reply)
🖤 How to Stop OVERTHINKING Your Relationship in 4 Steps (With Your Avoidant Partner)
https://www.the-marriage-coach.com/overthinkingcourse
FREE:
🖤 FREE Attachment LIBRARY:
https://linktr.ee/the.anxious.to.secure.coach
♥️ YOUTUBE:
How to use CHATGPT as THERAPIST for healing your ANXIOUS attachment
DISCLAIMER: I'm not a therapist or doctor. This content is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It's not intended to diagnose, treat, or heal any mental health conditions. This is not meant for situations involving abusive relationships of any kind. Always seek professional advice for personal health concerns.
Remember: Change in your relationship starts with YOU, thought by thought and action by action.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.