August 12, 2025 • 40 mins
Ever felt pulled between your entrepreneurial ambitions and your marriage? That tension is exactly what we explore in this candid conversation with relationship coach Monica Tanner, who drops this game-changing perspective: "Your partner can be passionate about YOU without being passionate about what you're passionate about."
Drawing from her upcoming book "Bad Marriage Advice," Monica reveals how conventional wisdom like "never go to bed angry" can actually damage relationships. She shares how she lost countless hours of sleep trying to resolve conflicts with her exhausted husband before discovering a better approach—addressing issues after both partners are rested and thinking clearly. This one shift alone transformed their communication and deepened their trust.
For entrepreneurs married to non-entrepreneurs, Monica offers a toolkit of practical strategies. Over-communicate during intense business periods, share your wins (even small ones), and express genuine appreciation for their support. She emphasizes the importance of differentiation—being able to stand firmly in your vision even when your spouse expresses doubts, while still honoring their perspective. Remember, their concerns often stem from love and protection rather than a lack of support.
Perhaps most valuable is Monica's "3% rule" for keeping any relationship strong through life's busiest seasons: dedicate just 20 minutes daily to emotional connection, three hours weekly for a date night, and one weekend yearly for a getaway—just 3% of your time for an extraordinary return on investment. These intentional moments of connection don't require elaborate planning or excessive spending; they simply need your full presence and commitment.
Ready to transform your relationship while still pursuing your entrepreneurial dreams? Listen now and discover how small, consistent actions can create the foundation for both a thriving business and a fulfilling partnership.
Get the Bad Marriage Advice book
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Your partner can be passionate about you without
being passionate about whatyou're passionate about.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome to Brilliant Ideas, the podcast that takes
you behind the scenes of some ofthe most inspiring digital
products created by solopreneursjust like you.
I'm your host, alyssa, adigital product strategist who
helps subject matter expertsgrow their business with online
courses, memberships, coachingprograms and eBooks.
If you're a solopreneur withdreams of packaging your
expertise into a profitabledigital product, then this is
(00:30):
the podcast for you.
Expect honest conversations ofhow they started, the obstacles
they overcame, lessons learnedthe hard way and who faced the
same fears, doubts andchallenges you're experiencing,
from unexpected surprises tobreakthrough moments and
everything in between.
Tune in, get inspired and let'sspark your next big, brilliant
idea.
Welcome back to the BrilliantIdeas podcast.
(00:51):
Today, I'm thrilled to introduceMonica Tanner, a relationship
coach and host of the Secrets ofHappily Ever After podcast.
Monica is on a mission totransform marriages by teaching
simple but powerful strategiesfor effective communication,
meaningful connection andconflict resolution.
As the author of Bad MarriageAdvice, she helps couples break
free from the pitfalls ofresentment and the dreaded
(01:12):
roommate syndrome to rediscovertrue intimacy.
In this episode, we're going tofocus on the central theme of
her new book and dive deep intothe unique challenges that
entrepreneurs often face whenthey're married to
non-entrepreneurs.
Get ready for a conversationpacked with practical insights
that can help you build ahappier the unique challenges
that entrepreneurs often facewhen they're married to
non-entrepreneurs.
Get ready for a conversationpacked with practical insights
that can help you build ahappier, more fulfilling
(03:48):
relationship.
Let's dive in.
You, you, you, you, you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Of course, I'm so happy to behere, Of course, and so I want
to give my listeners a littlecontext here.
So I want to step backwards fora second and talk about your
upcoming book, bad MarriageAdvice Now, if you want to also
introduce yourself a little bitmore.
But what I really want to askyou is what inspired you to
(04:11):
finally sit down and write thisbook?
And then also, can you go into,like, what common themes came
up for you that you thought wereimportant to include, based on
your experiences working withcouples?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Oh, I love this question.
Thank you so much for asking.
So the book was actuallyinspired by my oldest son, who's
getting married in just underthree weeks from today.
So I had a deadline.
I've been wanting to write abook forever and ever and ever.
But when he started telling usabout how he felt about his
(04:43):
girlfriend and that he wanted topropose, I went into panic mode
.
I'm like, oh my gosh, does heknow all the things he needs to
know about marriage?
Because he's very.
They're both very, very young.
They're getting married whilethey're still 21.
And I, they're both totallyready.
But I just knew that they weregoing to get so much advice as a
(05:04):
new young married couple and Iremember when my husband and I
were getting married, I clung tothat advice because I thought
if somebody older and wiser andhad been married for a long time
was giving me advice, I betterpay attention, because I wanted
to make my marriage reallyspecial, and so a lot of the
advice that we followed foryears in the beginning of our
(05:26):
marriage actually made usmiserable.
So that is the whole kind ofpremise of the book.
It's called Bad Marriage Adviceand it's literally, you know, 23
years of my own marriageexperience, mixed with working
with couples and the things thatreally keep them stuck, mixed
with interviewing marriageexperts and couples who have
(05:48):
been married over 50 years, foryears and years and years.
So I kind of compiled a list ofthe worst marriage advice that
I felt like my son is about toget and I wanted to just debunk
it and it's kind of like a loveletter from me to the new couple
and just saying, like here is acautionary tale meets a
(06:09):
beginner's guide, like here'swhat you're going to hear.
Here are some very commonmisconceptions about how to do
marriage well and here's how todo it better.
So that is the whole kind ofpremise of the book, and I have
a very important deadline, whichis I want to get it done so
(06:30):
that I could give it to him onhis wedding day oh, that is so
sweet, which is also, by the way, my 23rd wedding anniversary,
so they're getting married onthe same day.
My husband and I got married on23 years ago.
Cool right, was that on purpose?
You know they just it was likethe Saturday after school got
(06:51):
out.
It just happened to be the sameexact date.
Wow.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Is that like the?
Speaker 1 (06:59):
universe aligning Well.
It's going to make it a loteasier for me to remember his
anniversary.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Yeah, so then, so bad marriage, bad, sorry, bad
marriage advice.
So can you share like anexample that you've heard that
you would think is bad marriageadvice, like an example that you
can share Because I've gottenit too, like on my wedding day
too, and you know, yeah, if youwant to share like something
(07:24):
from your book, um, what couldbe considered like a.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
yeah, I'm happy to share a ton, but but let me
start with this what do you feellike is the worst marriage
advice you got?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Oh, that's a really tough one, um, cause there was
so much of it there's, so youknow what it's.
Well, I mean, they give anadvice of like you know, don't
get up, don't go to bed angrywith your spouse, like you know,
like those things no that'sgood, so your don't go to bed
angry.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Definitely made it into the book.
That's a very common one, andit's this kind of common sense.
But I tell you, I lost so muchsleep in the first few years of
my marriage because of thisterrible advice, because my
husband would be exhausted andwe would just nitpick at each
other because we were tired,right, and so we would start
(08:17):
fights about nothing and hewould turn over and want to go
to sleep and I was up like no,no, no, you can't go to sleep
right now.
We've got to talk.
I'm still upset.
And so, like I would like Itried everything, I would like
jostle him awake, I would writemy journal, I would like cry and
like wake up and be like whyare you crying?
You know, like all of thethings.
(08:39):
Until I finally explained tohim that like him going to sleep
while I was still upset, a wentagainst this advice that we got
, but also it kind of triggeredall my abandonment issues.
Like to me I would spiral andthink, oh my gosh, like it's
going to get worse overnight.
He's going to wake up and belike what am I doing here?
Like I got to get out of hereand like my brain would just
(09:04):
take a nosedive.
And so when I explained this tohim, we worked it out to where
he would say you know what Ilove you, but I don't have
enough energy or like brainspace to be able to talk about
this right now.
Let's get a good, nice rest andwe'll come back to it in the
morning.
And he always did.
He always would roll over inthe morning, give me a big
(09:26):
snuggle and be like I'm sorry, Iwas a jerk last night.
I was just really, really tired, or I don't even remember what
we were upset about last night.
Can we start over Like we wouldalways talk about it in the
morning?
And that built so much trustand also I felt better because I
was getting a better night'ssleep.
So that's what I talk about andrecommend in the book.
(09:49):
It's just you're never going tobe able to come up with great
solutions or, you know, thinkrationally and be able to
problem solve together whenyou're both exhausted at the end
of the day.
So just take a break, sleep onit, come up with a little you
know statement that's going tohelp both of you feel easier
(10:10):
about it and then get a goodnight's rest and your
perspective, your ability totalk through things, is going to
be so much better in themorning.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
That is true.
I've been that person.
I'd be like I want to talkright now and it's like we got
to get this.
Yeah, and my husband is like,you know, he's not, he's an
electrician, he works shift work.
He does the graveyard shiftlike.
He works overnights and so andusually I'm up with a lot of
energy during the day and I'mjust like trying to talk to him
and he's like I just got offnights I cannot talk to you
(10:44):
right now and it's like, butit's like and then he'll be like
give me like a couple hours andthen I'm like okay so, but I'm
just so excited to tell himthings, but he can't process
those things because he doeslike those overnight shifts.
And so just knowing I like whatyou said, just you know, just
having that communication to saylike and being safe to say
(11:07):
those things as well, and thatlike I need a minute, like I'll
talk to you in the morning, Ilove that, because you know when
you're tired you can't reallyprocess those things, those
conversations anyways.
So it's better to just leave itfor the morning, right?
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Absolutely and take it at face value.
I mean when you you know you'rebuilding trust, when you're
able to say and I use the HALTSmethod so hungry, angry, lonely,
tired or stressed, and if yourpartner is feeling any one of
those things and says, hey, I'mactually feeling too stressed in
(11:41):
this very moment to talk aboutthat thing, can we go to bed or
can we, you know, take a breakfor a couple of hours and then
I'll feel better and we can talkabout it or whatever.
So, like it's just a good ideato be able to create that type
of communication where you cansay now is not the best time,
(12:01):
but I promise we'll, we'll comeback to it when I'm feeling
better.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Yeah, exactly, and so how does it work with?
So, with your bad marriageadvice book, what chapters would
you recommend for people who,um, I would say like, are
married to non-entrepreneurslike for myself, for example,
like I'm a business owner, um,but then I'm, but I'm married to
an electrician who doesn't havehis own business, he works, and
(12:28):
so that could also create itsown challenges.
Being an entrepreneur who worksa lot and then also battling
time with my husband, who alsoworks a lot as well, you know,
you know, with my husband, whoalso works a lot as well, what
(12:49):
kind of chat, like?
Which chapters would yourecommend in?
Speaker 1 (12:50):
the book for people who kind of fall into that
category, yeah, so one of thethings I'll say about the book
is the common through line thatgoes through all of the chapters
is basically learning reallygood communication techniques,
because your marriage is verydifferent than my marriage or
any other person or couple whois going to go through that book
, and so you know being able todiscuss topics that are
(13:18):
important to you that aren'timportant to your spouse.
So, for example, you're kind ofa visionary.
You have this idea of thisbusiness that you want to create
.
You're going to have to put intime, energy and financial
resources without knowing theactual outcome yet, and if your
partner doesn't see your visionwhich usually they don't, if
(13:40):
they're not entrepreneurs thenthey might have a lot of
objections to what you'reactually doing.
They might have a lot ofconcerns and fears.
And for you to be able to talkabout your vision and for them
(14:04):
to be able to talk about theirconcerns, it takes a level of
skill that you're going to haveto practice and you're going to
fumble through at times, so foryou to be able to hear their
objections and not take thempersonally, not let it crush
your dream, but also honor themlike thank you for bringing that
(14:24):
up.
Yes, you actually do have agreat point.
We're just going to have tostep out in faith here because I
feel like it's all going towork out, like those types of
conversations are reallyimportant and ongoing right,
because there's always going tobe new things in your business.
The other thing I like to tellentrepreneurs who are married to
non-entrepreneurs is you, yourpartner, can be passionate about
(14:52):
you without being passionateabout what you're passionate
about, about intimacy on theinternet, right.
My husband kind of freaked outbecause, a he's very private, b
he's not passionate aboutrelationships and intimacy.
And C he was genuinelyconcerned that I was going to
(15:14):
get a lot of criticism fromfamily and friends for talking
about these types of topics soopenly.
And he was right.
He did have a point.
He was very justified in hisfears.
I have gotten a lot of criticismin different periods of time
where I've talked about thingsin certain ways and you know
I've made even some mistakes intalking about me, even though he
(15:35):
will very readily be like Idon't know if you should be
talking about that or you know,I don't want you to use that
story or whatever.
I know that he is passionateabout me without being
(15:59):
passionate about what I'mpassionate about, and so being
able to not take those thingsyou know personally and you know
still, respectfully.
So this is a big I think it'schapter one or chapter two where
I talk about differentiationand I talk about, yeah, when I
started my coaching business andhe was like, ah, he was like
(16:21):
really concerned for me and Ihad to stand up for what I knew
to be true and what my visionwas, even though he was unsure
about it, and so that takes alevel of being able to own your
own thoughts, stand on your twofeet in the face of your partner
being unsure.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
That's great to know.
I also do think it's notingthat there's going to be seasons
of, like, where you feel likeyour business is really thriving
and you're so busy and youreally need that extra support
from you know, from your husband.
Just be, just put your, putyour concerns aside and just,
you know, just to help, you know, just to be supportive of, like
(17:04):
, the scaling of your business,cause I've also have heard from
clients who it's, you know, itis very challenging.
Um, you know, when you'regrowing a business, you're
putting all this, these hoursand this commitment and that the
last thing that you need is tohave another, another thought of
(17:26):
, like, another piece ofcriticism or concern that
they're not doing it the rightway.
Um, you know, even even formyself, like I've had, you know,
friendly you know I would saylike friendly criticism from
friends and family.
They're just concerned that, no, is this really really like
something that you're going todo for the rest of your life or
(17:47):
is it something temporary, likethey they're.
You know the things that I talkabout.
I mean I don't talk aboutintimacy and sex and things like
that, but you know I do putmyself out there and you know my
friends and family, and even myhusband's.
So it's so private and so it'slike how do I navigate that
without upsetting my family,friends, my husband?
Speaker 1 (18:10):
And so Well, the reality is you probably are
going to upset them, I know,Right, and you have to be able
to be respectful while stilldoing what you know or what you
feel guided and led to do.
But here's another likescenario that's really, really
common in entrepreneurs orentrepreneurial couples that I
(18:33):
work with and, again, itrequires a lot of communication.
So a lot of times what willhappen is we've got our business
idea and we're maybe in alaunch or a push, or we're
working really hard on something, and here comes our spouse at
our office door and is like hey,just wondering if you were
(18:54):
planning on participatingtonight, right, Like like
they're upset that you're holedup in your office and maybe
they're doing dinner or bedtime,or and they're not being very
nice about it either Right, andso I talked to my entrepreneurs
about seeing through the baddelivery.
So your partner is probably notlike being super unsupportive
(19:18):
and a big jerk, and they'reprobably noticing like, okay, my
wife or my husband, whicheverone, is spending a lot of time
on this thing that doesn'tinclude me or the kids, and I'm
feeling abandoned, I'm feelinglonely, I'm feeling, you know,
like I would love to spend sometime with my wife, but she's
(19:40):
unavailable, and so that issomething again that requires a
level of skill in yourcommunication, and so sometimes
I call this over communicating,where you know, at the beginning
of the week maybe you look atyour schedule and you're like,
hey, I am going to launch mypodcast this week and that means
I'm going to be in my officefor more hours than I normally
(20:02):
am.
That means I'm probably notgoing to have dinner on the
table this week and that meansI'm going to be in my office for
more hours than I normally am.
That means I'm probably notgoing to have dinner on the
table this week.
Maybe we can do takeout acouple nights and cereal for the
other couple of nights.
Probably the laundry is goingto pile up and I'm just hoping I
can get some extra support fromyou this week and I promise at
(20:22):
the end of this week, you know,after this launch is over, you
know we'll do double time withyou know all the chores and
dinner and all of that stuff,Right, and it helps if you can
say you know what.
From the hours of nine to sevenI'm going to have to be in my
office, but I would love tospend time with the kids from
(20:44):
seven to eight and then, if youcould handle, bedtime so I can
go finish up some loose ends,and then at nine o'clock I'm
going to come out of my officeand I would love to spend some
undivided.
I'd love to give you myundivided attention and spend
time with you.
Like, if you can still give toyour partner but be very
(21:05):
communicative about it, thatwill help.
But I always recommend, like,share those wins with you.
Like with them, you know so,like you're in a launch and
you're you're say, you'relaunching a podcast and you, you
know, after the first day youare fifth on the charts and
(21:25):
you're really, really excitedabout it.
Make sure you're sharing thatwith your partner.
Like, come out at nine o'clock,when you said you would, and be
like hey, guess what?
I'm so excited I hit thismilestone.
It's not exactly what my goalis.
I would love to hit number one,but today I hit number five and
I'm really excited and I reallywant to thank you for, you know
(21:46):
, picking up the slack with thekids, doing dinner and bath time
and bedtime.
I really feel supported and Ireally appreciate you.
Right, Like, all of thosethings are so important and
eventually you're going to getbetter buy-in.
Like for me.
Now my husband has seen like Asometimes we go places and I get
(22:06):
recognized Like people are likeoh, I listen to your podcast,
right and so.
Or like people will send inlike, after working with you,
like my spouse and I we areconnecting so much better
emotionally or whatever right.
And sometimes I'll show thoseto my husband and be like look
at this couple, I've beenworking with them for three
(22:27):
months and they're seeing somuch success.
And so now he like after sevenyears, he's like okay, I can see
that you love what you're doingand I can see that you're
actually making a difference.
And even though I still likealways I'm like, I'm like he
talks about retiring, what washe going to do when he retires?
I'm like you could help me.
And he's always like nope,never going to happen, Right.
(22:50):
And I don't take it personally.
He's just not passionate aboutwhat I'm passionate about, but
he's passionate about me.
And I have to remember that inthose moments when I'm pushing
and he feels neglected orsomething like that and maybe
he's not handling it very well,I have to, you know, stay in the
state of mind where I can belike hey, I can tell you need
(23:12):
some attention from me and Iwould love to give it to you.
I'm just going to finish thispodcast recording and then I'll
be right out to hang out withyou.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
I love that.
So the three things that I gotfrom you here is over
communicate, yes, that's great.
And then sharing those littlewins, even when you get a new
client, it's like, hey, like anew client, you know.
And um, being grateful,appreciation, and you know, I do
think I do agree with that.
(23:40):
No, he can be passionate aboutme, but not necessarily what I
do.
But if I ask him to help me outwith something, he would 100%
do that.
But would I include him in mybusiness once he retires?
No, he's going to be playinggolf.
That's his real passion, right.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
And you don't have to be passionate about golf, but
like you can say like, hey, okay, go play golf for four hours
and I'd love to spend some timewith you when you're done.
Right, exactly.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Yeah, so shifting gears a little bit.
Now for couples who are kind ofin this.
You know they're in that seasonof life where they're
incredibly busy with children.
I can relate I have a littletoddler and oh my goodness our
lives are so busy right now.
But you know, for those couplesor entrepreneurs who are
(24:36):
married to non-entrepreneurs,they're working a lot and they
kind of find themselves in thisroommate awkward phase where
it's like they're working somuch but you know they're not
really, and that's why we talkedabout over communication,
things like that.
But what other practical tipsdo you have for couples who want
(24:58):
to stay connected, even ifthey're in that?
season that life is kind ofoverwhelming right now.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Yeah, well, this is one of my favorite topics to
talk about honestly, becauseit's so important and it's so
underutilized.
Well, I will tell you if youthink your life is busy with a
toddler right now, wait untilthey're a teenager.
It's not going to get less busy.
And that is literally mymessage to all of you Life is
(25:25):
never, ever, ever going to getless busy.
So that is a chapter in my book.
I can't remember which one.
I should learn the chapters,but anyways it's.
It's this idea that you'll maketime for your relationship when
dot dot, dot right, when we'remaking more money, or when my
business is more established, orwhen my children are older.
(25:46):
And the reality is is that yourrelationship is not going to
wait until some undetermined setof circumstances in the future.
What's really important is thatyou make time for your
relationship now.
So I would recommend threethings that every couple commit
to, and it may have to.
You may have to, as theentrepreneur if you're listening
(26:08):
to this, you may have to leadout Like you just might have to
say okay, I'm building mybusiness and it's really busy
and we've got these kids andthere's all this stuff going on,
but I'm going to schedule thisin.
I'm going to make time for this.
I'm going to make sure thatthese three things are happening
, and the first one is dailyconnection.
(26:29):
So I love talking about thisbecause, in reality, what I'm
going to tell you is literallyjust 3% of your time, and I've
done all the math behind it.
So we get, as humans, 1,450, 40minutes in a day.
Nobody gets more, nobody getsless.
(26:51):
It doesn't matter how muchmoney you're making, how many
important friends you have, howmuch you can bench press at the
gym.
You only get 1,440 minutes in aday.
Everyone does.
It's how you choose to usethose minutes.
Okay, and what I'm recommendingis that every single day, you
slot in 20 minutes and if youhave to set an alarm on your
(27:15):
phone, put it in your calendar.
It's like a dentist appointmentyou are not going to miss it,
but you're going to use thattime to connect emotionally with
your spouse.
So that means you're askingquestions like what are you most
(27:36):
excited about right now?
What's stressing you out?
Who did you talk to today thatreally, like, got you thinking?
Are you learning something?
Are you reading a book orlistening to a podcast that
really, like has made you think?
Those are the types ofquestions.
You're mapping each other'sinner worlds so you can be
talking about something, maybe,that you figured out in your
business and your partner can betalking about maybe something
(27:57):
with the kids or something thatthey learned or who they talked
to at the gym.
It doesn't really matter.
You're just mapping eachother's inner worlds, like
what's exciting you, what areyou learning about?
And this changes from day today.
So it's not like we've beenmarried for 30 years and I know
everything there is to know.
No, every single day isdifferent.
(28:18):
So how are you supporting eachother?
How are you learning about eachother?
How are you?
You know, I think it's fun totalk about.
Like we can have a wholeconversation about me just
telling my partner who I workedout with this about.
Like we can have a wholeconversation about me just
telling my partner who I workedout with this morning, like who
I walked on the treadmill nextto at the gym and what we talked
about.
So 20 minute daily connectionsevery single day non-negotiable.
(28:44):
The second thing is three hoursof date night at every single
week, so once a week.
So there are 168 hours in everysingle week.
We all get the same amount ofhours.
Nobody gets more, nobody getsless.
You can't buy more, but if youwill spend three of those hours
(29:06):
going on a date, now, thesedon't have to be expensive,
elaborate or far from home.
My husband and I, one of ourfavorite date nights is
literally taking a walk on thepath that's just down the road
from our house.
It's free and we love it, butthe idea is to do things that
are fun, and I like to thinkabout it like this when you're
(29:28):
an old couple and you'reswinging on the porch swing and
talking about your life together, what are the things you're
going to remember?
Like?
I'm not talking about likeskydiving, but I'm talking about
like you know, did you buy akayak and go kayaking on the
lake?
Or did you, you know, have somecool picnics?
(29:50):
My husband and I have thisstory about how we walked around
the neighborhood.
We walk everywhere.
It's like our favorite thing todo, but we like there was this
house that was being built, thathad a slide in it, and we like
not broke in because it was likekind of open, but we like went
down the slide for like a coupleof hours and it was so fun.
(30:10):
And we both remember it and welaugh about it.
That was years ago, probablyfive years ago, but we still on
our walks.
We'll talk about it.
Remember when we were likefound that house with the slide
and we were sliding down right.
It's the remember whens.
So do something fun together.
Do something that kind ofreignites that dating energy
(30:32):
where you're like I love to bewith this person.
We do fun things together.
It's going to take a little bitof creativity, but not a lot.
Like.
I literally have hundreds andhundreds and hundreds of date
nights ideas on my website thatyou can download for free.
So there's lots and there'stons of people like me out there
(30:56):
in the world that love to comeup with creative date ideas that
don't cost a lot of money.
In fact, I used to have amembership where I would give
you expensive date night ideaskind of expensive or reasonable
and then free date night ideasevery single week, because I
think it's so important to makethat time for each other.
(31:17):
Just like when you were talkingabout like mommy and daddy mode
.
Like you're not in mommy anddaddy mode.
That is when you put pause onmom and daddy mode.
You're teaching your kids somuch, but there's other adults
out there that can handle thingsfor you while you work on your
relationship.
So it's really important tohave a standing sitter, or
(31:38):
there's creative ways to do thistoo.
We used to have when we weresuper young and we didn't have a
lot of money for sitters we hada group, like a date night
group, with four couples in itand we each had kids that were
around similar ages, and so oneweekend of the month we would
have all the kids at our house.
We would.
It was chaos.
(31:59):
We would turn on a movie, wewould feed them hot dogs and
just like let them play outsideor whatever.
So that week was stressful.
But then we had three othernights of the month where we
could go out on a date and ourkids were taken care of.
Later in life we had a teenagerthat lived down the road and
she would come over on datenights and she would take care
(32:21):
of our kids.
Right, but we always made surethat we had three hours every
week where we could go, befootloose and carefree and
husband and wife like giddylovers doing something that we
enjoyed.
So that's date night.
And the third and final thingthat I would say this is how you
(32:44):
stay connected through all thebusy seasons is go on a yearly
weekend trip.
Again, it doesn't have to beexpensive or elaborate.
You can go camping.
You can camp in your backyardeven, but you go to a local
hotel for a few nights, sendyour kids to grandma and
(33:06):
grandpa's and just stay at home.
If you want to, or you know,save your money year round so
that you can take a cool trip,like you can do it any way you
want, but I just want you tospend one weekend out of every
year, so one out of 52 weekends,and this is where you're going
to reconnect intimately.
(33:28):
You're going to dream together,you're going to talk about
what's happened in the year andwhat you're hoping for in the
next year.
You're going to take walkstogether and you're going to,
yeah, make plans, get to knowlike what make your five year,
you know, forecast of whatthings are going to look like,
like it's so important to take.
(33:50):
And then again, you're spending20 out of 1,440 minutes, so
that's literally leaves you1,420 minutes to do all the
other things.
You're spending three out of168 hours of a week and you're
spending one out of the 52weekends of the year, and if you
(34:11):
will do that, I promise youwill be able to stay connected
through the busiest seasons ofyour career, of building a
business, of raising yourchildren, all the things.
But you've got to commit tothose things and you've got to
be like a tiger about them.
Don't let anyone steal yourdaily minutes, your weekly hours
(34:31):
or your yearly weekend.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
I love that.
I love that.
I love that advice.
It's so true and I relate tothat so much because just last
year my husband was like we needa vacation, but like without
the kids, and I was like, oh, Idon't know.
You know, because I was so likeunsure of like leaving my 18
month old at the time, and hewas like, no, we're going.
(34:57):
So we booked like a last minutethree day vacation to Bahamar
and Bahamas and I have to saylike I was dreading the trip.
But then once I got there, itwas like we had the most fun I
have ever had, like three dayswith just my husband and I.
We went, we I felt like a kidagain, like we were going on on
(35:19):
the slides and like everythingit changes.
And you know what I have to saylike our relationship after it
was like we need to do thisagain.
We need to make this a routinethat we do three days like or
you know, just a short time awaybut every year like without the
kids, and it's it makes so muchsense because it it kind of
(35:39):
invigorates you, it makes youexcited and you get to look
forward.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
Exactly.
And you come home betterparents and think about the
blueprint you're giving yourkids Like listen you, you are
fine, you are resilient, otheradults can take care of you for
a short period of time.
We focus on our relationshipbecause it's so important.
This is the blueprint, this isthe legacy that you're leaving
(36:06):
them, like we love you, buteventually you're going to grow
up and then we're just going tohave each other, and so we've
neglected our relationship forthe 18 years you lived at home.
That's not good for anyone yeah, and so it's funny.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
I like that my husband takes the initiative for
us.
Like I'm like usually the slowone to be like, oh, maybe we
should go on a date.
He's like no, we should go, weshould go go bowling or go do
something fun.
Like we have like an arcadearound the corner.
We're just like why don't wejust go to an arcade?
Like why does it have to belike this expensive outing?
And so, yeah, like just littlethings, like that.
Speaker 1 (36:41):
It just makes a huge difference because it makes you
feel like, yeah, you're in likethat dating stage and it's so
nice to feel that way, you knowyou know what, when in the
busiest like seasons of our life, I can look back and be like my
husband and I bought thesevests that we wear walking, and
(37:04):
like we would have weekendswhere it was like a wrestling
tournament and a volleyballtournament like all weekend long
, and we're like how are wegoing to get our date night in?
And so what we would do is wecause they're usually at like a
high school or a middle schoolor something, and so we would
take our weighted vests in thecar and our water bottles or
whatever, and on a break, causewrestling tournaments I don't
know if you know how they work,but you wrestle for like a
minute and then you have like athree hour break and then you
(37:27):
wrestle it again, you know, andso and same with volleyball,
like they'll play a game andthen they're off, for they're
off and then they're roughingand then they're playing, and so
you get these chunks of time.
And so it's not like we justwent for a walk, it's like we
planned for the walk, like weput on our weighted vests and we
had our walking shoes on and wehad our water and we went and
(37:48):
we walked around the track andthat was our date night.
So you will have to getcreative, but I guarantee those
will be lasting memories.
Like I love those memories.
In fact I'd like recreate itnow, even though I don't have to
anymore.
So you know, it's those types ofthings that will stick in your
mind.
It's not the expensive again,like skydiving dates.
(38:11):
That would be cool.
I mean, I don't desire to dothat, but some people might.
But it's like that.
Remember we used to walk aroundBora High School track and just
chat in between wrestlingmatches Makes a difference.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
And it's yeah, it's such a great thing that you can
do right now that you don'treally have to plan for or make
fancy reservations, so I lovethat.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
Yeah, because hopefully their wrestling coach
is watching them in there andyou know the kids are fine,
everything's good.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
And yeah you're connecting?
Yeah, so where can my audienceconnect with you and find you
and buy your book?
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Yeah, thank you so much for asking.
You can find all theinformation about me and working
with me on my website ismonicatanercom, and then the
book is called Bad MarriageAdvice and you can get on the
wait list right now, buteventually you'll be able to buy
it on bad marriageadvicecom.
Speaker 2 (39:12):
Amazing, and that's right.
And so you can find all ofMonica's links in the show notes
.
So make sure to follow her onInstagram and check out her new
book, bad Marriage Advice.
Thanks so much, monica.
Yeah, thank you for having me.
This has been so fun, I know,and thank you so much for
listening today, everyone, ifyou resonated with anything that
we've said in today's episode,I want you to head over to my
(39:34):
Instagram and send me a DM.
I'd love to hear what youthought about the topics
discussed, because it is adifferent topic.
I think this is the most unique.
You've been the most uniqueguest we've had so far, and so I
would love to hear yourthoughts and what you thought
about today's episode.
So make sure to head over to myInstagram, alyssa Belisario OBM
(39:57):
, and let me know what youthought.
So I hope you found this asinsightful as I did, and I will
catch you next time on anotherbrilliant idea.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for tuning in to thisepisode of Brilliant Ideas.
If you love the show show, besure to leave a review and
follow me on instagram for evenmore insider tips and
inspiration.
Ready to bring your next big,brilliant idea to life?
(40:18):
Visit elissavelsercom forresources, guidance and
everything you need to startcreating something amazing.
Your partner can be passionate about you without
being passionate about whatyou're passionate about.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome to Brilliant Ideas, the podcast that takes
you behind the scenes of some ofthe most inspiring digital
products created by solopreneursjust like you.
I'm your host, alyssa, adigital product strategist who
helps subject matter expertsgrow their business with online
courses, memberships, coachingprograms and eBooks.
If you're a solopreneur withdreams of packaging your
expertise into a profitabledigital product, then this is
(00:30):
the podcast for you.
Expect honest conversations ofhow they started, the obstacles
they overcame, lessons learnedthe hard way and who faced the
same fears, doubts andchallenges you're experiencing,
from unexpected surprises tobreakthrough moments and
everything in between.
Tune in, get inspired and let'sspark your next big, brilliant
idea.
Welcome back to the BrilliantIdeas podcast.
(00:51):
Today, I'm thrilled to introduceMonica Tanner, a relationship
coach and host of the Secrets ofHappily Ever After podcast.
Monica is on a mission totransform marriages by teaching
simple but powerful strategiesfor effective communication,
meaningful connection andconflict resolution.
As the author of Bad MarriageAdvice, she helps couples break
free from the pitfalls ofresentment and the dreaded
(01:12):
roommate syndrome to rediscovertrue intimacy.
In this episode, we're going tofocus on the central theme of
her new book and dive deep intothe unique challenges that
entrepreneurs often face whenthey're married to
non-entrepreneurs.
Get ready for a conversationpacked with practical insights
that can help you build ahappier the unique challenges
that entrepreneurs often facewhen they're married to
non-entrepreneurs.
Get ready for a conversationpacked with practical insights
that can help you build ahappier, more fulfilling
(03:48):
relationship.
Let's dive in.
You, you, you, you, you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Of course, I'm so happy to behere, Of course, and so I want
to give my listeners a littlecontext here.
So I want to step backwards fora second and talk about your
upcoming book, bad MarriageAdvice Now, if you want to also
introduce yourself a little bitmore.
But what I really want to askyou is what inspired you to
(04:11):
finally sit down and write thisbook?
And then also, can you go into,like, what common themes came
up for you that you thought wereimportant to include, based on
your experiences working withcouples?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Oh, I love this question.
Thank you so much for asking.
So the book was actuallyinspired by my oldest son, who's
getting married in just underthree weeks from today.
So I had a deadline.
I've been wanting to write abook forever and ever and ever.
But when he started telling usabout how he felt about his
(04:43):
girlfriend and that he wanted topropose, I went into panic mode
.
I'm like, oh my gosh, does heknow all the things he needs to
know about marriage?
Because he's very.
They're both very, very young.
They're getting married whilethey're still 21.
And I, they're both totallyready.
But I just knew that they weregoing to get so much advice as a
(05:04):
new young married couple and Iremember when my husband and I
were getting married, I clung tothat advice because I thought
if somebody older and wiser andhad been married for a long time
was giving me advice, I betterpay attention, because I wanted
to make my marriage reallyspecial, and so a lot of the
advice that we followed foryears in the beginning of our
(05:26):
marriage actually made usmiserable.
So that is the whole kind ofpremise of the book.
It's called Bad Marriage Adviceand it's literally, you know, 23
years of my own marriageexperience, mixed with working
with couples and the things thatreally keep them stuck, mixed
with interviewing marriageexperts and couples who have
(05:48):
been married over 50 years, foryears and years and years.
So I kind of compiled a list ofthe worst marriage advice that
I felt like my son is about toget and I wanted to just debunk
it and it's kind of like a loveletter from me to the new couple
and just saying, like here is acautionary tale meets a
(06:09):
beginner's guide, like here'swhat you're going to hear.
Here are some very commonmisconceptions about how to do
marriage well and here's how todo it better.
So that is the whole kind ofpremise of the book, and I have
a very important deadline, whichis I want to get it done so
(06:30):
that I could give it to him onhis wedding day oh, that is so
sweet, which is also, by the way, my 23rd wedding anniversary,
so they're getting married onthe same day.
My husband and I got married on23 years ago.
Cool right, was that on purpose?
You know they just it was likethe Saturday after school got
(06:51):
out.
It just happened to be the sameexact date.
Wow.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Is that like the?
Speaker 1 (06:59):
universe aligning Well.
It's going to make it a loteasier for me to remember his
anniversary.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Yeah, so then, so bad marriage, bad, sorry, bad
marriage advice.
So can you share like anexample that you've heard that
you would think is bad marriageadvice, like an example that you
can share Because I've gottenit too, like on my wedding day
too, and you know, yeah, if youwant to share like something
(07:24):
from your book, um, what couldbe considered like a.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
yeah, I'm happy to share a ton, but but let me
start with this what do you feellike is the worst marriage
advice you got?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Oh, that's a really tough one, um, cause there was
so much of it there's, so youknow what it's.
Well, I mean, they give anadvice of like you know, don't
get up, don't go to bed angrywith your spouse, like you know,
like those things no that'sgood, so your don't go to bed
angry.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Definitely made it into the book.
That's a very common one, andit's this kind of common sense.
But I tell you, I lost so muchsleep in the first few years of
my marriage because of thisterrible advice, because my
husband would be exhausted andwe would just nitpick at each
other because we were tired,right, and so we would start
(08:17):
fights about nothing and hewould turn over and want to go
to sleep and I was up like no,no, no, you can't go to sleep
right now.
We've got to talk.
I'm still upset.
And so, like I would like Itried everything, I would like
jostle him awake, I would writemy journal, I would like cry and
like wake up and be like whyare you crying?
You know, like all of thethings.
(08:39):
Until I finally explained tohim that like him going to sleep
while I was still upset, a wentagainst this advice that we got
, but also it kind of triggeredall my abandonment issues.
Like to me I would spiral andthink, oh my gosh, like it's
going to get worse overnight.
He's going to wake up and belike what am I doing here?
Like I got to get out of hereand like my brain would just
(09:04):
take a nosedive.
And so when I explained this tohim, we worked it out to where
he would say you know what Ilove you, but I don't have
enough energy or like brainspace to be able to talk about
this right now.
Let's get a good, nice rest andwe'll come back to it in the
morning.
And he always did.
He always would roll over inthe morning, give me a big
(09:26):
snuggle and be like I'm sorry, Iwas a jerk last night.
I was just really, really tired, or I don't even remember what
we were upset about last night.
Can we start over Like we wouldalways talk about it in the
morning?
And that built so much trustand also I felt better because I
was getting a better night'ssleep.
So that's what I talk about andrecommend in the book.
(09:49):
It's just you're never going tobe able to come up with great
solutions or, you know, thinkrationally and be able to
problem solve together whenyou're both exhausted at the end
of the day.
So just take a break, sleep onit, come up with a little you
know statement that's going tohelp both of you feel easier
(10:10):
about it and then get a goodnight's rest and your
perspective, your ability totalk through things, is going to
be so much better in themorning.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
That is true.
I've been that person.
I'd be like I want to talkright now and it's like we got
to get this.
Yeah, and my husband is like,you know, he's not, he's an
electrician, he works shift work.
He does the graveyard shiftlike.
He works overnights and so andusually I'm up with a lot of
energy during the day and I'mjust like trying to talk to him
and he's like I just got offnights I cannot talk to you
(10:44):
right now and it's like, butit's like and then he'll be like
give me like a couple hours andthen I'm like okay so, but I'm
just so excited to tell himthings, but he can't process
those things because he doeslike those overnight shifts.
And so just knowing I like whatyou said, just you know, just
having that communication to saylike and being safe to say
(11:07):
those things as well, and thatlike I need a minute, like I'll
talk to you in the morning, Ilove that, because you know when
you're tired you can't reallyprocess those things, those
conversations anyways.
So it's better to just leave itfor the morning, right?
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Absolutely and take it at face value.
I mean when you you know you'rebuilding trust, when you're
able to say and I use the HALTSmethod so hungry, angry, lonely,
tired or stressed, and if yourpartner is feeling any one of
those things and says, hey, I'mactually feeling too stressed in
(11:41):
this very moment to talk aboutthat thing, can we go to bed or
can we, you know, take a breakfor a couple of hours and then
I'll feel better and we can talkabout it or whatever.
So, like it's just a good ideato be able to create that type
of communication where you cansay now is not the best time,
(12:01):
but I promise we'll, we'll comeback to it when I'm feeling
better.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Yeah, exactly, and so how does it work with?
So, with your bad marriageadvice book, what chapters would
you recommend for people who,um, I would say like, are
married to non-entrepreneurslike for myself, for example,
like I'm a business owner, um,but then I'm, but I'm married to
an electrician who doesn't havehis own business, he works, and
(12:28):
so that could also create itsown challenges.
Being an entrepreneur who worksa lot and then also battling
time with my husband, who alsoworks a lot as well, you know,
you know, with my husband, whoalso works a lot as well, what
(12:49):
kind of chat, like?
Which chapters would yourecommend in?
Speaker 1 (12:50):
the book for people who kind of fall into that
category, yeah, so one of thethings I'll say about the book
is the common through line thatgoes through all of the chapters
is basically learning reallygood communication techniques,
because your marriage is verydifferent than my marriage or
any other person or couple whois going to go through that book
, and so you know being able todiscuss topics that are
(13:18):
important to you that aren'timportant to your spouse.
So, for example, you're kind ofa visionary.
You have this idea of thisbusiness that you want to create
.
You're going to have to put intime, energy and financial
resources without knowing theactual outcome yet, and if your
partner doesn't see your visionwhich usually they don't, if
(13:40):
they're not entrepreneurs thenthey might have a lot of
objections to what you'reactually doing.
They might have a lot ofconcerns and fears.
And for you to be able to talkabout your vision and for them
(14:04):
to be able to talk about theirconcerns, it takes a level of
skill that you're going to haveto practice and you're going to
fumble through at times, so foryou to be able to hear their
objections and not take thempersonally, not let it crush
your dream, but also honor themlike thank you for bringing that
(14:24):
up.
Yes, you actually do have agreat point.
We're just going to have tostep out in faith here because I
feel like it's all going towork out, like those types of
conversations are reallyimportant and ongoing right,
because there's always going tobe new things in your business.
The other thing I like to tellentrepreneurs who are married to
non-entrepreneurs is you, yourpartner, can be passionate about
(14:52):
you without being passionateabout what you're passionate
about, about intimacy on theinternet, right.
My husband kind of freaked outbecause, a he's very private, b
he's not passionate aboutrelationships and intimacy.
And C he was genuinelyconcerned that I was going to
(15:14):
get a lot of criticism fromfamily and friends for talking
about these types of topics soopenly.
And he was right.
He did have a point.
He was very justified in hisfears.
I have gotten a lot of criticismin different periods of time
where I've talked about thingsin certain ways and you know
I've made even some mistakes intalking about me, even though he
(15:35):
will very readily be like Idon't know if you should be
talking about that or you know,I don't want you to use that
story or whatever.
I know that he is passionateabout me without being
(15:59):
passionate about what I'mpassionate about, and so being
able to not take those thingsyou know personally and you know
still, respectfully.
So this is a big I think it'schapter one or chapter two where
I talk about differentiationand I talk about, yeah, when I
started my coaching business andhe was like, ah, he was like
(16:21):
really concerned for me and Ihad to stand up for what I knew
to be true and what my visionwas, even though he was unsure
about it, and so that takes alevel of being able to own your
own thoughts, stand on your twofeet in the face of your partner
being unsure.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
That's great to know.
I also do think it's notingthat there's going to be seasons
of, like, where you feel likeyour business is really thriving
and you're so busy and youreally need that extra support
from you know, from your husband.
Just be, just put your, putyour concerns aside and just,
you know, just to help, you know, just to be supportive of, like
(17:04):
, the scaling of your business,cause I've also have heard from
clients who it's, you know, itis very challenging.
Um, you know, when you'regrowing a business, you're
putting all this, these hoursand this commitment and that the
last thing that you need is tohave another, another thought of
(17:26):
, like, another piece ofcriticism or concern that
they're not doing it the rightway.
Um, you know, even even formyself, like I've had, you know,
friendly you know I would saylike friendly criticism from
friends and family.
They're just concerned that, no, is this really really like
something that you're going todo for the rest of your life or
(17:47):
is it something temporary, likethey they're.
You know the things that I talkabout.
I mean I don't talk aboutintimacy and sex and things like
that, but you know I do putmyself out there and you know my
friends and family, and even myhusband's.
So it's so private and so it'slike how do I navigate that
without upsetting my family,friends, my husband?
Speaker 1 (18:10):
And so Well, the reality is you probably are
going to upset them, I know,Right, and you have to be able
to be respectful while stilldoing what you know or what you
feel guided and led to do.
But here's another likescenario that's really, really
common in entrepreneurs orentrepreneurial couples that I
(18:33):
work with and, again, itrequires a lot of communication.
So a lot of times what willhappen is we've got our business
idea and we're maybe in alaunch or a push, or we're
working really hard on something, and here comes our spouse at
our office door and is like hey,just wondering if you were
(18:54):
planning on participatingtonight, right, Like like
they're upset that you're holedup in your office and maybe
they're doing dinner or bedtime,or and they're not being very
nice about it either Right, andso I talked to my entrepreneurs
about seeing through the baddelivery.
So your partner is probably notlike being super unsupportive
(19:18):
and a big jerk, and they'reprobably noticing like, okay, my
wife or my husband, whicheverone, is spending a lot of time
on this thing that doesn'tinclude me or the kids, and I'm
feeling abandoned, I'm feelinglonely, I'm feeling, you know,
like I would love to spend sometime with my wife, but she's
(19:40):
unavailable, and so that issomething again that requires a
level of skill in yourcommunication, and so sometimes
I call this over communicating,where you know, at the beginning
of the week maybe you look atyour schedule and you're like,
hey, I am going to launch mypodcast this week and that means
I'm going to be in my officefor more hours than I normally
(20:02):
am.
That means I'm probably notgoing to have dinner on the
table this week and that meansI'm going to be in my office for
more hours than I normally am.
That means I'm probably notgoing to have dinner on the
table this week.
Maybe we can do takeout acouple nights and cereal for the
other couple of nights.
Probably the laundry is goingto pile up and I'm just hoping I
can get some extra support fromyou this week and I promise at
(20:22):
the end of this week, you know,after this launch is over, you
know we'll do double time withyou know all the chores and
dinner and all of that stuff,Right, and it helps if you can
say you know what.
From the hours of nine to sevenI'm going to have to be in my
office, but I would love tospend time with the kids from
(20:44):
seven to eight and then, if youcould handle, bedtime so I can
go finish up some loose ends,and then at nine o'clock I'm
going to come out of my officeand I would love to spend some
undivided.
I'd love to give you myundivided attention and spend
time with you.
Like, if you can still give toyour partner but be very
(21:05):
communicative about it, thatwill help.
But I always recommend, like,share those wins with you.
Like with them, you know so,like you're in a launch and
you're you're say, you'relaunching a podcast and you, you
know, after the first day youare fifth on the charts and
(21:25):
you're really, really excitedabout it.
Make sure you're sharing thatwith your partner.
Like, come out at nine o'clock,when you said you would, and be
like hey, guess what?
I'm so excited I hit thismilestone.
It's not exactly what my goalis.
I would love to hit number one,but today I hit number five and
I'm really excited and I reallywant to thank you for, you know
(21:46):
, picking up the slack with thekids, doing dinner and bath time
and bedtime.
I really feel supported and Ireally appreciate you.
Right, Like, all of thosethings are so important and
eventually you're going to getbetter buy-in.
Like for me.
Now my husband has seen like Asometimes we go places and I get
(22:06):
recognized Like people are likeoh, I listen to your podcast,
right and so.
Or like people will send inlike, after working with you,
like my spouse and I we areconnecting so much better
emotionally or whatever right.
And sometimes I'll show thoseto my husband and be like look
at this couple, I've beenworking with them for three
(22:27):
months and they're seeing somuch success.
And so now he like after sevenyears, he's like okay, I can see
that you love what you're doingand I can see that you're
actually making a difference.
And even though I still likealways I'm like, I'm like he
talks about retiring, what washe going to do when he retires?
I'm like you could help me.
And he's always like nope,never going to happen, Right.
(22:50):
And I don't take it personally.
He's just not passionate aboutwhat I'm passionate about, but
he's passionate about me.
And I have to remember that inthose moments when I'm pushing
and he feels neglected orsomething like that and maybe
he's not handling it very well,I have to, you know, stay in the
state of mind where I can belike hey, I can tell you need
(23:12):
some attention from me and Iwould love to give it to you.
I'm just going to finish thispodcast recording and then I'll
be right out to hang out withyou.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
I love that.
So the three things that I gotfrom you here is over
communicate, yes, that's great.
And then sharing those littlewins, even when you get a new
client, it's like, hey, like anew client, you know.
And um, being grateful,appreciation, and you know, I do
think I do agree with that.
(23:40):
No, he can be passionate aboutme, but not necessarily what I
do.
But if I ask him to help me outwith something, he would 100%
do that.
But would I include him in mybusiness once he retires?
No, he's going to be playinggolf.
That's his real passion, right.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
And you don't have to be passionate about golf, but
like you can say like, hey, okay, go play golf for four hours
and I'd love to spend some timewith you when you're done.
Right, exactly.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Yeah, so shifting gears a little bit.
Now for couples who are kind ofin this.
You know they're in that seasonof life where they're
incredibly busy with children.
I can relate I have a littletoddler and oh my goodness our
lives are so busy right now.
But you know, for those couplesor entrepreneurs who are
(24:36):
married to non-entrepreneurs,they're working a lot and they
kind of find themselves in thisroommate awkward phase where
it's like they're working somuch but you know they're not
really, and that's why we talkedabout over communication,
things like that.
But what other practical tipsdo you have for couples who want
(24:58):
to stay connected, even ifthey're in that?
season that life is kind ofoverwhelming right now.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Yeah, well, this is one of my favorite topics to
talk about honestly, becauseit's so important and it's so
underutilized.
Well, I will tell you if youthink your life is busy with a
toddler right now, wait untilthey're a teenager.
It's not going to get less busy.
And that is literally mymessage to all of you Life is
(25:25):
never, ever, ever going to getless busy.
So that is a chapter in my book.
I can't remember which one.
I should learn the chapters,but anyways it's.
It's this idea that you'll maketime for your relationship when
dot dot, dot right, when we'remaking more money, or when my
business is more established, orwhen my children are older.
(25:46):
And the reality is is that yourrelationship is not going to
wait until some undetermined setof circumstances in the future.
What's really important is thatyou make time for your
relationship now.
So I would recommend threethings that every couple commit
to, and it may have to.
You may have to, as theentrepreneur if you're listening
(26:08):
to this, you may have to leadout Like you just might have to
say okay, I'm building mybusiness and it's really busy
and we've got these kids andthere's all this stuff going on,
but I'm going to schedule thisin.
I'm going to make time for this.
I'm going to make sure thatthese three things are happening
, and the first one is dailyconnection.
(26:29):
So I love talking about thisbecause, in reality, what I'm
going to tell you is literallyjust 3% of your time, and I've
done all the math behind it.
So we get, as humans, 1,450, 40minutes in a day.
Nobody gets more, nobody getsless.
(26:51):
It doesn't matter how muchmoney you're making, how many
important friends you have, howmuch you can bench press at the
gym.
You only get 1,440 minutes in aday.
Everyone does.
It's how you choose to usethose minutes.
Okay, and what I'm recommendingis that every single day, you
slot in 20 minutes and if youhave to set an alarm on your
(27:15):
phone, put it in your calendar.
It's like a dentist appointmentyou are not going to miss it,
but you're going to use thattime to connect emotionally with
your spouse.
So that means you're askingquestions like what are you most
(27:36):
excited about right now?
What's stressing you out?
Who did you talk to today thatreally, like, got you thinking?
Are you learning something?
Are you reading a book orlistening to a podcast that
really, like has made you think?
Those are the types ofquestions.
You're mapping each other'sinner worlds so you can be
talking about something, maybe,that you figured out in your
business and your partner can betalking about maybe something
(27:57):
with the kids or something thatthey learned or who they talked
to at the gym.
It doesn't really matter.
You're just mapping eachother's inner worlds, like
what's exciting you, what areyou learning about?
And this changes from day today.
So it's not like we've beenmarried for 30 years and I know
everything there is to know.
No, every single day isdifferent.
(28:18):
So how are you supporting eachother?
How are you learning about eachother?
How are you?
You know, I think it's fun totalk about.
Like we can have a wholeconversation about me just
telling my partner who I workedout with this about.
Like we can have a wholeconversation about me just
telling my partner who I workedout with this morning, like who
I walked on the treadmill nextto at the gym and what we talked
about.
So 20 minute daily connectionsevery single day non-negotiable.
(28:44):
The second thing is three hoursof date night at every single
week, so once a week.
So there are 168 hours in everysingle week.
We all get the same amount ofhours.
Nobody gets more, nobody getsless.
You can't buy more, but if youwill spend three of those hours
(29:06):
going on a date, now, thesedon't have to be expensive,
elaborate or far from home.
My husband and I, one of ourfavorite date nights is
literally taking a walk on thepath that's just down the road
from our house.
It's free and we love it, butthe idea is to do things that
are fun, and I like to thinkabout it like this when you're
(29:28):
an old couple and you'reswinging on the porch swing and
talking about your life together, what are the things you're
going to remember?
Like?
I'm not talking about likeskydiving, but I'm talking about
like you know, did you buy akayak and go kayaking on the
lake?
Or did you, you know, have somecool picnics?
(29:50):
My husband and I have thisstory about how we walked around
the neighborhood.
We walk everywhere.
It's like our favorite thing todo, but we like there was this
house that was being built, thathad a slide in it, and we like
not broke in because it was likekind of open, but we like went
down the slide for like a coupleof hours and it was so fun.
(30:10):
And we both remember it and welaugh about it.
That was years ago, probablyfive years ago, but we still on
our walks.
We'll talk about it.
Remember when we were likefound that house with the slide
and we were sliding down right.
It's the remember whens.
So do something fun together.
Do something that kind ofreignites that dating energy
(30:32):
where you're like I love to bewith this person.
We do fun things together.
It's going to take a little bitof creativity, but not a lot.
Like.
I literally have hundreds andhundreds and hundreds of date
nights ideas on my website thatyou can download for free.
So there's lots and there'stons of people like me out there
(30:56):
in the world that love to comeup with creative date ideas that
don't cost a lot of money.
In fact, I used to have amembership where I would give
you expensive date night ideaskind of expensive or reasonable
and then free date night ideasevery single week, because I
think it's so important to makethat time for each other.
(31:17):
Just like when you were talkingabout like mommy and daddy mode
.
Like you're not in mommy anddaddy mode.
That is when you put pause onmom and daddy mode.
You're teaching your kids somuch, but there's other adults
out there that can handle thingsfor you while you work on your
relationship.
So it's really important tohave a standing sitter, or
(31:38):
there's creative ways to do thistoo.
We used to have when we weresuper young and we didn't have a
lot of money for sitters we hada group, like a date night
group, with four couples in itand we each had kids that were
around similar ages, and so oneweekend of the month we would
have all the kids at our house.
We would.
It was chaos.
(31:59):
We would turn on a movie, wewould feed them hot dogs and
just like let them play outsideor whatever.
So that week was stressful.
But then we had three othernights of the month where we
could go out on a date and ourkids were taken care of.
Later in life we had a teenagerthat lived down the road and
she would come over on datenights and she would take care
(32:21):
of our kids.
Right, but we always made surethat we had three hours every
week where we could go, befootloose and carefree and
husband and wife like giddylovers doing something that we
enjoyed.
So that's date night.
And the third and final thingthat I would say this is how you
(32:44):
stay connected through all thebusy seasons is go on a yearly
weekend trip.
Again, it doesn't have to beexpensive or elaborate.
You can go camping.
You can camp in your backyardeven, but you go to a local
hotel for a few nights, sendyour kids to grandma and
(33:06):
grandpa's and just stay at home.
If you want to, or you know,save your money year round so
that you can take a cool trip,like you can do it any way you
want, but I just want you tospend one weekend out of every
year, so one out of 52 weekends,and this is where you're going
to reconnect intimately.
(33:28):
You're going to dream together,you're going to talk about
what's happened in the year andwhat you're hoping for in the
next year.
You're going to take walkstogether and you're going to,
yeah, make plans, get to knowlike what make your five year,
you know, forecast of whatthings are going to look like,
like it's so important to take.
(33:50):
And then again, you're spending20 out of 1,440 minutes, so
that's literally leaves you1,420 minutes to do all the
other things.
You're spending three out of168 hours of a week and you're
spending one out of the 52weekends of the year, and if you
(34:11):
will do that, I promise youwill be able to stay connected
through the busiest seasons ofyour career, of building a
business, of raising yourchildren, all the things.
But you've got to commit tothose things and you've got to
be like a tiger about them.
Don't let anyone steal yourdaily minutes, your weekly hours
(34:31):
or your yearly weekend.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
I love that.
I love that.
I love that advice.
It's so true and I relate tothat so much because just last
year my husband was like we needa vacation, but like without
the kids, and I was like, oh, Idon't know.
You know, because I was so likeunsure of like leaving my 18
month old at the time, and hewas like, no, we're going.
(34:57):
So we booked like a last minutethree day vacation to Bahamar
and Bahamas and I have to saylike I was dreading the trip.
But then once I got there, itwas like we had the most fun I
have ever had, like three dayswith just my husband and I.
We went, we I felt like a kidagain, like we were going on on
(35:19):
the slides and like everythingit changes.
And you know what I have to saylike our relationship after it
was like we need to do thisagain.
We need to make this a routinethat we do three days like or
you know, just a short time awaybut every year like without the
kids, and it's it makes so muchsense because it it kind of
(35:39):
invigorates you, it makes youexcited and you get to look
forward.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
Exactly.
And you come home betterparents and think about the
blueprint you're giving yourkids Like listen you, you are
fine, you are resilient, otheradults can take care of you for
a short period of time.
We focus on our relationshipbecause it's so important.
This is the blueprint, this isthe legacy that you're leaving
(36:06):
them, like we love you, buteventually you're going to grow
up and then we're just going tohave each other, and so we've
neglected our relationship forthe 18 years you lived at home.
That's not good for anyone yeah, and so it's funny.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
I like that my husband takes the initiative for
us.
Like I'm like usually the slowone to be like, oh, maybe we
should go on a date.
He's like no, we should go, weshould go go bowling or go do
something fun.
Like we have like an arcadearound the corner.
We're just like why don't wejust go to an arcade?
Like why does it have to belike this expensive outing?
And so, yeah, like just littlethings, like that.
Speaker 1 (36:41):
It just makes a huge difference because it makes you
feel like, yeah, you're in likethat dating stage and it's so
nice to feel that way, you knowyou know what, when in the
busiest like seasons of our life, I can look back and be like my
husband and I bought thesevests that we wear walking, and
(37:04):
like we would have weekendswhere it was like a wrestling
tournament and a volleyballtournament like all weekend long
, and we're like how are wegoing to get our date night in?
And so what we would do is wecause they're usually at like a
high school or a middle schoolor something, and so we would
take our weighted vests in thecar and our water bottles or
whatever, and on a break, causewrestling tournaments I don't
know if you know how they work,but you wrestle for like a
minute and then you have like athree hour break and then you
(37:27):
wrestle it again, you know, andso and same with volleyball,
like they'll play a game andthen they're off, for they're
off and then they're roughingand then they're playing, and so
you get these chunks of time.
And so it's not like we justwent for a walk, it's like we
planned for the walk, like weput on our weighted vests and we
had our walking shoes on and wehad our water and we went and
(37:48):
we walked around the track andthat was our date night.
So you will have to getcreative, but I guarantee those
will be lasting memories.
Like I love those memories.
In fact I'd like recreate itnow, even though I don't have to
anymore.
So you know, it's those types ofthings that will stick in your
mind.
It's not the expensive again,like skydiving dates.
(38:11):
That would be cool.
I mean, I don't desire to dothat, but some people might.
But it's like that.
Remember we used to walk aroundBora High School track and just
chat in between wrestlingmatches Makes a difference.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
And it's yeah, it's such a great thing that you can
do right now that you don'treally have to plan for or make
fancy reservations, so I lovethat.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
Yeah, because hopefully their wrestling coach
is watching them in there andyou know the kids are fine,
everything's good.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
And yeah you're connecting?
Yeah, so where can my audienceconnect with you and find you
and buy your book?
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Yeah, thank you so much for asking.
You can find all theinformation about me and working
with me on my website ismonicatanercom, and then the
book is called Bad MarriageAdvice and you can get on the
wait list right now, buteventually you'll be able to buy
it on bad marriageadvicecom.
Speaker 2 (39:12):
Amazing, and that's right.
And so you can find all ofMonica's links in the show notes
.
So make sure to follow her onInstagram and check out her new
book, bad Marriage Advice.
Thanks so much, monica.
Yeah, thank you for having me.
This has been so fun, I know,and thank you so much for
listening today, everyone, ifyou resonated with anything that
we've said in today's episode,I want you to head over to my
(39:34):
Instagram and send me a DM.
I'd love to hear what youthought about the topics
discussed, because it is adifferent topic.
I think this is the most unique.
You've been the most uniqueguest we've had so far, and so I
would love to hear yourthoughts and what you thought
about today's episode.
So make sure to head over to myInstagram, alyssa Belisario OBM
(39:57):
, and let me know what youthought.
So I hope you found this asinsightful as I did, and I will
catch you next time on anotherbrilliant idea.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for tuning in to thisepisode of Brilliant Ideas.
If you love the show show, besure to leave a review and
follow me on instagram for evenmore insider tips and
inspiration.
Ready to bring your next big,brilliant idea to life?
(40:18):
Visit elissavelsercom forresources, guidance and
everything you need to startcreating something amazing.
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