April 6, 2025 • 26 mins
Have you ever found yourself softening your voice, over-explaining your plans, or hesitating to do something for yourself—like you’re waiting for someone else to say it’s okay? In this powerful episode Teresa calls out the subtle ways women are conditioned to ask for permission in their own lives, especially in relationships.
Through honest storytelling and personal reflection, I share what happens when we pause before saying yes to ourselves—and why it’s time to stop. From texting a partner about dinner plans to the guilt that creeps in after a night out, this episode explores the emotional tax of being “considerate” at the cost of our own freedom.
This isn’t about creating conflict—it’s about creating balance. It’s about mutual respect without losing your voice. If you’ve ever caught yourself saying, “Thanks for letting me…”—this episode is for you.
Thank you for tuning in! I truly appreciate every single listener—whether you’re here for the first time or have been with me from the start.
Want more? Follow me on TikTok and Instagram @inshockradio for extra content, motivation, and real-life moments!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hi everyone and welcome to theshow.
I am so excited you're heretoday and if you're a new
listener, thanks so much fortuning in.
It truly means a lot that wehave this time together.
And a special shout out to allof you listening from around the
world.
I know there's many of you inthe us, Mexico, Europe, India,
(00:20):
Asia, and.
All kinds of places.
I really appreciate you takingthe time to listen in to all of
these episodes.
I have a feeling you are goingto share this episode because
today's topic is one that a lotof us ladies need to hear.
(00:41):
So let me ask you something andbe very honest with yourself.
Have you ever found yourself ina situation where you're asking
your husband, partner, orboyfriend for permission?
It's that quiet, familiar waywhere you feel like you need
them to say it's okay for you togo do something.
(01:07):
Maybe it's just a night out witha friend or a group of friends.
Maybe it's a girl's weekendaway, but something in you
pauses, you hesitate.
You start to overexplain, you'resoftening your language.
Would it be okay if I.
Do you mind if I, and we put onthis girly voice, and by the
(01:30):
time we're done explaining,softening and over justifying
why we need to go out with thisfriend or friend, or why we need
this weekend.
You start to feel like you're ateenager, asking your parents if
you can go out and that you'renot a grown adult, making a
(01:51):
decision for yourself.
That moment right there, that iswhat we're gonna be talking
about today.
I wanted to bring this upbecause it hit close to home for
me recently.
I live with an amazing guy.
His name is Chris.
He is super chill and we have alot of mutual respect in our
(02:14):
relationship.
The other day, my friend Amyreached out.
We haven't seen each other in acouple weeks, and she suggested
we get together on Friday night.
It was an easy yes from me.
You know those friends who justfeel like home.
That's Amy.
We've known each other since ourlate twenties.
(02:35):
We met working in the high techindustry in California, and now,
believe it or not, we both areliving on the Cape and we're
about 30 minutes apart, so it'snot always.
Easy for us to get together.
'cause both of us work full-timeand we have a lot of things
going on on the weekends.
But nonetheless, when we gettogether, it's like no time has
(02:59):
passed.
So during the workday on Friday,I sent Chris a quick text
saying, Hey, I'm gonna meet Amylater for drinks.
No big deal.
Right?
But later that day.
When I was walking to my car togo meet Amy, I caught myself
thinking.
Should I have asked if he wasokay with me meeting her, and it
(03:23):
wasn't because I neededpermission, but because
somewhere along the way Istarted second guessing my right
to make simple plans.
I.
It wasn't loud it was just alittle pause in my brain that
made me stop and really thinkabout this, and I thought, oh,
we have got to do a podcast onthis.
(03:45):
'cause I know I am not the onlyone.
So why did that thought evencross my mind?
Let's talk about why we feel theneed ladies to ask for
permission to do what we want.
I've been thinking a lot aboutwhere that instinct comes from.
(04:08):
The idea that we need to ask forpermission, even when we're just
making everyday choices.
I don't think it's just aboutthe relationship that we're in
in that moment.
It goes a lot deeper than thatfor a lot of us.
It could have started wayearlier, maybe in our childhood
(04:29):
when we were praised as littlegirls for being the good girl.
The peacemaker, the one whonever rocked the boat, or maybe
it showed up in our careerswhere asking instead of
asserting was seen as morelikable.
I.
Much more safe.
(04:51):
I spent years in a relationshipwith someone who struggled with
jealousy and insecurity.
He fell in love with me for allthe qualities that made me, me,
my independence, my drive, myambition.
But over time, guess what?
Those same traits became pointsof tension.
(05:12):
He started to resent the verythings he once admired, and that
slowly chipped away at myconfidence.
It really did.
I began to question myself, mychoices, and eventually I got to
a point where I feel like I hadto ask for permission and the
(05:33):
worst part.
When I would go out with myfriends, he'd look me up and
down, check out my outfit, andhe'd say, you're wearing that.
Who are you trying to impress?
Let's be honest, ladies, I knowa lot of you can agree with
this.
Most of the time when we'redressing to go out with our
(05:56):
friends, packing for a girl'sweekend away.
We're dressing for ourselves,but also to impress our
girlfriends.
It's true, we're not trying toget attention anywhere else, but
because we wanna feel confident,strong, and good in our own
skin, we dress nice andsometimes your best friend
(06:20):
hyping your outfit hits wayharder than it would if a guy
said the same thing.
'cause we don't hear it thatmuch.
So we learn to soften, toshrink, to ask first, even when
we already know what theanswer's gonna be, and
eventually it becomes automatic.
(06:43):
So automatic that we don't evenrealize we're doing it.
But here's where I wanna makesomething.
Very, very clear.
What we're talking about is notabout disrespecting our
partners.
Mutual respect matters and itmatters.
Deeply in a strong relationship,we communicate, we consider each
(07:08):
other, we plan together.
But there is a differencebetween respecting someone and
feeling like you need theirpermission.
Two very different things, andwe're talking about the latter,
not about respect.
So the subtle shift fromchecking in to seeking approval
(07:30):
can make us feel smaller.
It can take away our sense ofownership over our own time, our
own choices, and our own lives.
So instead of asking, would youmind if, would it be okay if,
what if we just shared our plansopenly and with mutual respect?
(07:52):
Something as simple as, Hey,just checking in.
Do we have anything going ontonight?
Or do we have anything happeningon Friday night?
And if the answer is no, thensay, great.
I'm gonna meet Amy or whoeveryour friend is for dinner and
drinks.
At six o'clock, I'll probably behome around 10.
(08:12):
That kind of communication isclear.
It's thoughtful, and it stillgives your partner space to
speak up I.
In my case, I ended up sendingChris a follow-up text later
letting him know where Amy and Iwere going out.
We were heading to Tree House.
(08:33):
It's in Sandwich on the Cape.
It's a brewery that he reallyloves, and I asked if he wanted
me to bring him any beers home.
I.
That's not asking forpermission, that's
communicating, that's respect.
You're not shrinking yourself inthat moment.
You're not apologizing forwanting a life outside the
(08:53):
house.
You're just being thoughtful,letting your partner know where
you'll be so they don't worry,and so that they feel
considered.
It's a small shift, but it makesa huge difference because
telling someone.
When you'll be home isn't aboutcontrol, it's about care and
(09:15):
there's power and that kind ofclarity because you're still
being kind, you're still beingconsiderate, but you're also
standing in your own.
Decisions.
Here's a perfect example.
I saw this TikTok the other day.
It was two dudes standing intheir tropical outfits somewhere
(09:35):
outside of the US and thecaption said, when you're 30
years old and you're lettingyour mom know you arrive safely.
And I love that because I havethree grown boys and we do that
when we travel.
I let them know when I'm takingoff, when I've landed, I get the
same respect back and it'stotally normal, natural, and
(10:00):
fine.
We're not doing it because wefeel obligated to do it.
We're doing it because we care.
And if something were to happen,they know where we are.
That's what mutual respect lookslike.
It's not asking if you'reallowed, but trusting each other
enough to speak plainly and livefully.
(10:21):
And once you start noticing itin one area of your life, you
begin to spot it everywhere.
It sneaks in quietly.
Like when you get home afterdinner with friends, you're
feeling refreshed, and the firstthing outta your mouth is,
honey, thank you so much forletting me go out.
I really needed that.
(10:43):
Have you found yourself in thatsituation?
But wait, letting me, we're notkids checking in with our
parents.
We're adults.
No one let us do this.
We don't need to ask.
What we should be saying is asimple, Hey honey, I'm back.
(11:04):
I had a great time.
I really needed that time.
That's it.
No guilt, no apology, no.
Thanks for letting me go.
Just honesty.
Then share more about the night,what you loved about it, the
laughs, the conversation.
Maybe you ran into some otherpeople, maybe there was a
beautiful sunset, whatever itis.
(11:26):
But think about this.
If you lived with a close friendand walked in the front door,
they would probably ask you,Hey, how was your night?
You dive right into the details,it would turn into a natural,
engaging conversation, andthat's how it should feel with
your partner too.
(11:47):
Open, easy, and supportive.
Nothing other than that.
When I walked in my front doorwith that 12 pack of Chris's
favorite beers, he immediatelyasked me, how was the night?
No attitude, no jealousy, noweird energy.
I.
Just genuine interest with zerofriction between us.
(12:14):
But here's the thing aboutguilt.
The guilt doesn't just show up.
After one night out, it sneaksinto everything.
Like what about if you wanna goaway for a girl's weekend?
Suddenly we're doing a mentalmath.
Okay, how long am I gonna begone?
Who's gonna handle things for mewhile I'm gone?
(12:37):
I just went out the other night.
Maybe I should just stay homethis time.
Right.
We act like we're abandoning ourfamilies instead of simply doing
something for ourselves.
Does that sound familiar?
I know there is a lot of womenout there who put everyone else
(13:01):
before them.
Everyone, their family, theirfriends, even strangers, they
ice their ability to live lifeto its fullest because they're
so busy caring for everybodyelse.
It is time to melt that iceLadies.
So picture this, you've got awork trip coming up in a couple
(13:23):
of weeks, something your partneralready knows about.
Then outta nowhere, a friend youhaven't seen and forever reaches
out and invites you to hang outjust for the night for a
sleepover.
Immediately your brain startsspinning, wait, I've got this
business trip coming up that'salready three days away from
(13:46):
home.
Now I'm thinking about.
Going out again for anovernight.
I just went out with Amy theother day.
Maybe I shouldn't.
And if you decide to go, youdon't just say, Hey, I'm gonna
go hang out with so and so.
I.
(14:06):
Oh no.
You start creating this story tosoften the blow.
Well, honey, she's going throughsomething really heavy.
She needs support.
I wouldn't normally go, but shereally could use a friend right
now.
when the truth is you just wannago hang out with your friend.
It's been six months.
(14:27):
You miss her.
You want to connect with her,catch up with her, throw back a
couple glasses of wine.
But instead of owning that, westart explaining ourselves in a
way that we need them to say.
Okay, I'll let you go.
We're justifying having joy inour lives, but let's be real.
(14:51):
We live with these people.
We see them every day, and yetthere are times when we will
sacrifice quality time with afriend to avoid guilt.
But listen to this.
Think how guilty you feel whenyou tell your friend no.
So you've got guilt with yourpartner.
(15:14):
Guilt.
'cause you told your friend no.
And that is the part that reallystings.
'cause here's the clincher.
Pay real close attention.
Men don't do this.
They don't wrap their plans in adisclaimer like we do, how many
times has your partner come toyou with a sad story, why he
(15:36):
needs to go out?
They just say, I'm going golfingwith the guys this weekend, and
that is the end of theconversation.
No guilt, no second guessing, noemotional negotiation.
Now I realize there's some womenout there who don't want their
guys doing stuff.
This isn't about that.
We're talking about how usladies have a tendency to feel
(16:00):
like we need permission.
We need to ask.
We need to explain ourselves.
We have to stop carrying theemotional tax of freedom.
We can love our people and goaway for a night or a weekend or
a work trip.
We can be devoted partners andmoms and still belong to
(16:23):
ourselves.
It's in those quiet momentswhere we adjust our tone or hold
back a thought.
We do it so often.
It has become second nature.
But when you really stop and payattention, you'll start to
notice how deep this runs in ourlives inside our homes.
(16:45):
I raise three boys and I am alltoo familiar with hearing myself
say, can you babysit the kidstonight?
Wait, what?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why are we asking our partners,our husbands, our boyfriends who
live with us to babysit theirown kids?
(17:08):
Have you ever heard a guy saythat?
I.
No.
If a guy's out with his buddies,he's gonna say, my wife's at
home with the kids.
So instead of asking yourpartner if he can babysit or
watch the kids, maybe we shouldstart saying things like, Hey,
what's your evening look like?
(17:31):
If you're free, would you becool taking over the kid duty
tonight?
I could use a break and I wannagrab dinner with my friend.
And what about this one?
I have done this one so manytimes.
I finally asked myself, why thefuck am I thinking my partner
for cleaning up the house thatwe both live in?
(17:54):
We don't get thanked for doingthe dishes, folding the laundry,
packing lunches if you've gotkids or handling dinner after a
full day of work.
And when I say a full day ofwork, my work day is about 10
plus hours.
I.
And now I'm in the kitchen.
You're in the kitchen.
After a long day, we're crankingout dinner because the hubs is
(18:17):
working 12 plus hours.
We just do it because we've beenconditioned to carry the weight
of it without question, not tomention who's gonna cook dinner
If you're not what are you gonnawait until he gets home and
start dinner?
It's probably gonna be reallylate.
So we are doing it forourselves, but I think you get
the point.
(18:38):
Cooking dinner after a long assworkday, raising kids, keeping a
home, running a life.
None of this is one person'sjob.
If you are in a partnership,have a husband, have a boyfriend
who lives with you, it is ashared space, shared load,
(19:00):
shared responsibility.
It's not babysitting.
When a dad takes care of his ownchildren, it's not helping when
they clean the house you bothlive in.
It's just what grown adults dowhen they live in a space
together.
I.
When they build a life together,when they raise a family
(19:22):
together, we need to stop actinglike it's extra.
It's not a favor, and it's notabove and beyond.
And when we stop treating itthat way, when we stop thinking
them for doing the bare minimum,it gives space to start
expecting balance, sharedresponsibility without guilt.
(19:49):
Because this isn't aboutcreating conflict, it's about
creating balance.
Maybe it starts with us noticingthose moments when we
instinctively ask, apologize orsay thank you when we really are
seeking balance.
And from there we can begin tomake small, intentional changes
(20:13):
that create more balance andmore mutual respect in our
relationships.
For instance.
Chris and I have a sharedresponsibility in the kitchen.
I cook dinner but he cleans itup.
He will leave those dishesovernight sometimes and wash'em
(20:36):
the next day.
I can't stand dirty dishes inthe sink.
Well, guess what?
I'm not doing it.
I've taught myself to let it goHe does'em in the morning they
don't sit there for days he doesthem.
We both clean the house, both dolaundry.
Sometimes I'm doing it more thanhim, but overall, it's shared
(20:57):
responsibility.
He doesn't say thank you, and Idon't say thank you.
So here's a beautiful example.
Of what it looks like when awoman truly takes care of
herself.
This is such a great story.
So I was sitting in the nailsalon today waiting for my
(21:18):
Polish to dry when I overheardthe nail tech chatting it up
with another woman sitting nextto me and he said, Hey, are you
from around here?
And she said, no.
And he said, did you come withyour family?
Again, she said, no.
He said, oh, you must have comewith your friends.
And she goes, no, I didn't comewith my friends.
(21:39):
So curious.
He finally said, well then whodid you come with?
She smiled.
I was staring at her by thistime and she said, I came by
myself.
My heart started singing'cause Ijust felt like I had her vibe.
She went on to explain that herhusband was home handling
(22:00):
everything, including the kids,and that she was here to rest
and recharge.
And he said, what are you doingby yourself?
As if being by yourself istough, right?
She said, I love the ocean.
I take walks on the beach.
I looked over at her and I said,good for you.
(22:21):
I am so impressed that yourecognize that you needed this
time for yourself and she said,I have to make this time.
If I don't, I will wear myselfout.
I carry a lot in my householdand I manage everything, and it
was just such a gentle reminder.
(22:43):
This is not indulging.
This is not, I need to go onsome luxurious vacation by
myself.
This is essential.
Rest isn't a reward.
It's how we keep going.
So as we wrap up today'sepisode, I wanna remind you
this.
You're not asking for too muchby taking time for yourself.
(23:08):
You're not selfish for needingspace, rest, or connection with
your friends.
You're just human you're worthyand you are allowed to live
life.
A beautiful life that isn'talways centered around what
others need from you.
We all need breaks.
You need break.
(23:29):
He needs a break.
It's that balance.
Each one of you needs that time.
Start small.
Speak up.
Own your choices.
Don't feel like you have to walksoft and create this dramatic
story when that voice of guilttries to creep in, remind
yourself you do not needpermission to be you.
(23:54):
So here's a few takeaways.
Speak in statements, notapologies.
Instead of saying, would it beokay if I try, I'm planning too.
Because you're not asking forpermission.
You're sharing your plan withrespect.
(24:14):
Be very clear and upfront aboutyour needs.
You want a night off?
Say it.
I need a night off because I'mfucking exhausted.
I need a night off to be with afriend and just chill.
Whatever it is, you don't haveto justify your desire to rest
or recharge.
This is a need not a luxury.
(24:37):
Check in like your teammates,instead of assuming or asking
like you're requesting a favor,have an open two-way
conversation.
Hey honey, what does your weeklook like?
I'm thinking of making plans onTuesday.
It's that simple.
Treat your time away asrestoration.
(24:59):
It's a reset, A reminder thatyou are a whole person, not just
the role that you fill at home.
Taking care of yourself shouldnot come with guilt.
Doing things with your friendsshould not come with guilt.
It should come with intention.
So go see your friend.
(25:19):
Go have dinner with yourfriends.
Go on that girl's weekend awaybecause when you come back,
you'll be refueled andreconnected to yourself and
everyone benefits.
You don't need permission.
You just need a reminder thatyou matter too, so take care of
(25:41):
yourself.
Until next time.
Hi everyone and welcome to theshow.
I am so excited you're heretoday and if you're a new
listener, thanks so much fortuning in.
It truly means a lot that wehave this time together.
And a special shout out to allof you listening from around the
world.
I know there's many of you inthe us, Mexico, Europe, India,
(00:20):
Asia, and.
All kinds of places.
I really appreciate you takingthe time to listen in to all of
these episodes.
I have a feeling you are goingto share this episode because
today's topic is one that a lotof us ladies need to hear.
(00:41):
So let me ask you something andbe very honest with yourself.
Have you ever found yourself ina situation where you're asking
your husband, partner, orboyfriend for permission?
It's that quiet, familiar waywhere you feel like you need
them to say it's okay for you togo do something.
(01:07):
Maybe it's just a night out witha friend or a group of friends.
Maybe it's a girl's weekendaway, but something in you
pauses, you hesitate.
You start to overexplain, you'resoftening your language.
Would it be okay if I.
Do you mind if I, and we put onthis girly voice, and by the
(01:30):
time we're done explaining,softening and over justifying
why we need to go out with thisfriend or friend, or why we need
this weekend.
You start to feel like you're ateenager, asking your parents if
you can go out and that you'renot a grown adult, making a
(01:51):
decision for yourself.
That moment right there, that iswhat we're gonna be talking
about today.
I wanted to bring this upbecause it hit close to home for
me recently.
I live with an amazing guy.
His name is Chris.
He is super chill and we have alot of mutual respect in our
(02:14):
relationship.
The other day, my friend Amyreached out.
We haven't seen each other in acouple weeks, and she suggested
we get together on Friday night.
It was an easy yes from me.
You know those friends who justfeel like home.
That's Amy.
We've known each other since ourlate twenties.
(02:35):
We met working in the high techindustry in California, and now,
believe it or not, we both areliving on the Cape and we're
about 30 minutes apart, so it'snot always.
Easy for us to get together.
'cause both of us work full-timeand we have a lot of things
going on on the weekends.
But nonetheless, when we gettogether, it's like no time has
(02:59):
passed.
So during the workday on Friday,I sent Chris a quick text
saying, Hey, I'm gonna meet Amylater for drinks.
No big deal.
Right?
But later that day.
When I was walking to my car togo meet Amy, I caught myself
thinking.
Should I have asked if he wasokay with me meeting her, and it
(03:23):
wasn't because I neededpermission, but because
somewhere along the way Istarted second guessing my right
to make simple plans.
I.
It wasn't loud it was just alittle pause in my brain that
made me stop and really thinkabout this, and I thought, oh,
we have got to do a podcast onthis.
(03:45):
'cause I know I am not the onlyone.
So why did that thought evencross my mind?
Let's talk about why we feel theneed ladies to ask for
permission to do what we want.
I've been thinking a lot aboutwhere that instinct comes from.
(04:08):
The idea that we need to ask forpermission, even when we're just
making everyday choices.
I don't think it's just aboutthe relationship that we're in
in that moment.
It goes a lot deeper than thatfor a lot of us.
It could have started wayearlier, maybe in our childhood
(04:29):
when we were praised as littlegirls for being the good girl.
The peacemaker, the one whonever rocked the boat, or maybe
it showed up in our careerswhere asking instead of
asserting was seen as morelikable.
I.
Much more safe.
(04:51):
I spent years in a relationshipwith someone who struggled with
jealousy and insecurity.
He fell in love with me for allthe qualities that made me, me,
my independence, my drive, myambition.
But over time, guess what?
Those same traits became pointsof tension.
(05:12):
He started to resent the verythings he once admired, and that
slowly chipped away at myconfidence.
It really did.
I began to question myself, mychoices, and eventually I got to
a point where I feel like I hadto ask for permission and the
(05:33):
worst part.
When I would go out with myfriends, he'd look me up and
down, check out my outfit, andhe'd say, you're wearing that.
Who are you trying to impress?
Let's be honest, ladies, I knowa lot of you can agree with
this.
Most of the time when we'redressing to go out with our
(05:56):
friends, packing for a girl'sweekend away.
We're dressing for ourselves,but also to impress our
girlfriends.
It's true, we're not trying toget attention anywhere else, but
because we wanna feel confident,strong, and good in our own
skin, we dress nice andsometimes your best friend
(06:20):
hyping your outfit hits wayharder than it would if a guy
said the same thing.
'cause we don't hear it thatmuch.
So we learn to soften, toshrink, to ask first, even when
we already know what theanswer's gonna be, and
eventually it becomes automatic.
(06:43):
So automatic that we don't evenrealize we're doing it.
But here's where I wanna makesomething.
Very, very clear.
What we're talking about is notabout disrespecting our
partners.
Mutual respect matters and itmatters.
Deeply in a strong relationship,we communicate, we consider each
(07:08):
other, we plan together.
But there is a differencebetween respecting someone and
feeling like you need theirpermission.
Two very different things, andwe're talking about the latter,
not about respect.
So the subtle shift fromchecking in to seeking approval
(07:30):
can make us feel smaller.
It can take away our sense ofownership over our own time, our
own choices, and our own lives.
So instead of asking, would youmind if, would it be okay if,
what if we just shared our plansopenly and with mutual respect?
(07:52):
Something as simple as, Hey,just checking in.
Do we have anything going ontonight?
Or do we have anything happeningon Friday night?
And if the answer is no, thensay, great.
I'm gonna meet Amy or whoeveryour friend is for dinner and
drinks.
At six o'clock, I'll probably behome around 10.
(08:12):
That kind of communication isclear.
It's thoughtful, and it stillgives your partner space to
speak up I.
In my case, I ended up sendingChris a follow-up text later
letting him know where Amy and Iwere going out.
We were heading to Tree House.
(08:33):
It's in Sandwich on the Cape.
It's a brewery that he reallyloves, and I asked if he wanted
me to bring him any beers home.
I.
That's not asking forpermission, that's
communicating, that's respect.
You're not shrinking yourself inthat moment.
You're not apologizing forwanting a life outside the
(08:53):
house.
You're just being thoughtful,letting your partner know where
you'll be so they don't worry,and so that they feel
considered.
It's a small shift, but it makesa huge difference because
telling someone.
When you'll be home isn't aboutcontrol, it's about care and
(09:15):
there's power and that kind ofclarity because you're still
being kind, you're still beingconsiderate, but you're also
standing in your own.
Decisions.
Here's a perfect example.
I saw this TikTok the other day.
It was two dudes standing intheir tropical outfits somewhere
(09:35):
outside of the US and thecaption said, when you're 30
years old and you're lettingyour mom know you arrive safely.
And I love that because I havethree grown boys and we do that
when we travel.
I let them know when I'm takingoff, when I've landed, I get the
same respect back and it'stotally normal, natural, and
(10:00):
fine.
We're not doing it because wefeel obligated to do it.
We're doing it because we care.
And if something were to happen,they know where we are.
That's what mutual respect lookslike.
It's not asking if you'reallowed, but trusting each other
enough to speak plainly and livefully.
(10:21):
And once you start noticing itin one area of your life, you
begin to spot it everywhere.
It sneaks in quietly.
Like when you get home afterdinner with friends, you're
feeling refreshed, and the firstthing outta your mouth is,
honey, thank you so much forletting me go out.
I really needed that.
(10:43):
Have you found yourself in thatsituation?
But wait, letting me, we're notkids checking in with our
parents.
We're adults.
No one let us do this.
We don't need to ask.
What we should be saying is asimple, Hey honey, I'm back.
(11:04):
I had a great time.
I really needed that time.
That's it.
No guilt, no apology, no.
Thanks for letting me go.
Just honesty.
Then share more about the night,what you loved about it, the
laughs, the conversation.
Maybe you ran into some otherpeople, maybe there was a
beautiful sunset, whatever itis.
(11:26):
But think about this.
If you lived with a close friendand walked in the front door,
they would probably ask you,Hey, how was your night?
You dive right into the details,it would turn into a natural,
engaging conversation, andthat's how it should feel with
your partner too.
(11:47):
Open, easy, and supportive.
Nothing other than that.
When I walked in my front doorwith that 12 pack of Chris's
favorite beers, he immediatelyasked me, how was the night?
No attitude, no jealousy, noweird energy.
I.
Just genuine interest with zerofriction between us.
(12:14):
But here's the thing aboutguilt.
The guilt doesn't just show up.
After one night out, it sneaksinto everything.
Like what about if you wanna goaway for a girl's weekend?
Suddenly we're doing a mentalmath.
Okay, how long am I gonna begone?
Who's gonna handle things for mewhile I'm gone?
(12:37):
I just went out the other night.
Maybe I should just stay homethis time.
Right.
We act like we're abandoning ourfamilies instead of simply doing
something for ourselves.
Does that sound familiar?
I know there is a lot of womenout there who put everyone else
(13:01):
before them.
Everyone, their family, theirfriends, even strangers, they
ice their ability to live lifeto its fullest because they're
so busy caring for everybodyelse.
It is time to melt that iceLadies.
So picture this, you've got awork trip coming up in a couple
(13:23):
of weeks, something your partneralready knows about.
Then outta nowhere, a friend youhaven't seen and forever reaches
out and invites you to hang outjust for the night for a
sleepover.
Immediately your brain startsspinning, wait, I've got this
business trip coming up that'salready three days away from
(13:46):
home.
Now I'm thinking about.
Going out again for anovernight.
I just went out with Amy theother day.
Maybe I shouldn't.
And if you decide to go, youdon't just say, Hey, I'm gonna
go hang out with so and so.
I.
(14:06):
Oh no.
You start creating this story tosoften the blow.
Well, honey, she's going throughsomething really heavy.
She needs support.
I wouldn't normally go, but shereally could use a friend right
now.
when the truth is you just wannago hang out with your friend.
It's been six months.
(14:27):
You miss her.
You want to connect with her,catch up with her, throw back a
couple glasses of wine.
But instead of owning that, westart explaining ourselves in a
way that we need them to say.
Okay, I'll let you go.
We're justifying having joy inour lives, but let's be real.
(14:51):
We live with these people.
We see them every day, and yetthere are times when we will
sacrifice quality time with afriend to avoid guilt.
But listen to this.
Think how guilty you feel whenyou tell your friend no.
So you've got guilt with yourpartner.
(15:14):
Guilt.
'cause you told your friend no.
And that is the part that reallystings.
'cause here's the clincher.
Pay real close attention.
Men don't do this.
They don't wrap their plans in adisclaimer like we do, how many
times has your partner come toyou with a sad story, why he
(15:36):
needs to go out?
They just say, I'm going golfingwith the guys this weekend, and
that is the end of theconversation.
No guilt, no second guessing, noemotional negotiation.
Now I realize there's some womenout there who don't want their
guys doing stuff.
This isn't about that.
We're talking about how usladies have a tendency to feel
(16:00):
like we need permission.
We need to ask.
We need to explain ourselves.
We have to stop carrying theemotional tax of freedom.
We can love our people and goaway for a night or a weekend or
a work trip.
We can be devoted partners andmoms and still belong to
(16:23):
ourselves.
It's in those quiet momentswhere we adjust our tone or hold
back a thought.
We do it so often.
It has become second nature.
But when you really stop and payattention, you'll start to
notice how deep this runs in ourlives inside our homes.
(16:45):
I raise three boys and I am alltoo familiar with hearing myself
say, can you babysit the kidstonight?
Wait, what?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why are we asking our partners,our husbands, our boyfriends who
live with us to babysit theirown kids?
(17:08):
Have you ever heard a guy saythat?
I.
No.
If a guy's out with his buddies,he's gonna say, my wife's at
home with the kids.
So instead of asking yourpartner if he can babysit or
watch the kids, maybe we shouldstart saying things like, Hey,
what's your evening look like?
(17:31):
If you're free, would you becool taking over the kid duty
tonight?
I could use a break and I wannagrab dinner with my friend.
And what about this one?
I have done this one so manytimes.
I finally asked myself, why thefuck am I thinking my partner
for cleaning up the house thatwe both live in?
(17:54):
We don't get thanked for doingthe dishes, folding the laundry,
packing lunches if you've gotkids or handling dinner after a
full day of work.
And when I say a full day ofwork, my work day is about 10
plus hours.
I.
And now I'm in the kitchen.
You're in the kitchen.
After a long day, we're crankingout dinner because the hubs is
(18:17):
working 12 plus hours.
We just do it because we've beenconditioned to carry the weight
of it without question, not tomention who's gonna cook dinner
If you're not what are you gonnawait until he gets home and
start dinner?
It's probably gonna be reallylate.
So we are doing it forourselves, but I think you get
the point.
(18:38):
Cooking dinner after a long assworkday, raising kids, keeping a
home, running a life.
None of this is one person'sjob.
If you are in a partnership,have a husband, have a boyfriend
who lives with you, it is ashared space, shared load,
(19:00):
shared responsibility.
It's not babysitting.
When a dad takes care of his ownchildren, it's not helping when
they clean the house you bothlive in.
It's just what grown adults dowhen they live in a space
together.
I.
When they build a life together,when they raise a family
(19:22):
together, we need to stop actinglike it's extra.
It's not a favor, and it's notabove and beyond.
And when we stop treating itthat way, when we stop thinking
them for doing the bare minimum,it gives space to start
expecting balance, sharedresponsibility without guilt.
(19:49):
Because this isn't aboutcreating conflict, it's about
creating balance.
Maybe it starts with us noticingthose moments when we
instinctively ask, apologize orsay thank you when we really are
seeking balance.
And from there we can begin tomake small, intentional changes
(20:13):
that create more balance andmore mutual respect in our
relationships.
For instance.
Chris and I have a sharedresponsibility in the kitchen.
I cook dinner but he cleans itup.
He will leave those dishesovernight sometimes and wash'em
(20:36):
the next day.
I can't stand dirty dishes inthe sink.
Well, guess what?
I'm not doing it.
I've taught myself to let it goHe does'em in the morning they
don't sit there for days he doesthem.
We both clean the house, both dolaundry.
Sometimes I'm doing it more thanhim, but overall, it's shared
(20:57):
responsibility.
He doesn't say thank you, and Idon't say thank you.
So here's a beautiful example.
Of what it looks like when awoman truly takes care of
herself.
This is such a great story.
So I was sitting in the nailsalon today waiting for my
(21:18):
Polish to dry when I overheardthe nail tech chatting it up
with another woman sitting nextto me and he said, Hey, are you
from around here?
And she said, no.
And he said, did you come withyour family?
Again, she said, no.
He said, oh, you must have comewith your friends.
And she goes, no, I didn't comewith my friends.
(21:39):
So curious.
He finally said, well then whodid you come with?
She smiled.
I was staring at her by thistime and she said, I came by
myself.
My heart started singing'cause Ijust felt like I had her vibe.
She went on to explain that herhusband was home handling
(22:00):
everything, including the kids,and that she was here to rest
and recharge.
And he said, what are you doingby yourself?
As if being by yourself istough, right?
She said, I love the ocean.
I take walks on the beach.
I looked over at her and I said,good for you.
(22:21):
I am so impressed that yourecognize that you needed this
time for yourself and she said,I have to make this time.
If I don't, I will wear myselfout.
I carry a lot in my householdand I manage everything, and it
was just such a gentle reminder.
(22:43):
This is not indulging.
This is not, I need to go onsome luxurious vacation by
myself.
This is essential.
Rest isn't a reward.
It's how we keep going.
So as we wrap up today'sepisode, I wanna remind you
this.
You're not asking for too muchby taking time for yourself.
(23:08):
You're not selfish for needingspace, rest, or connection with
your friends.
You're just human you're worthyand you are allowed to live
life.
A beautiful life that isn'talways centered around what
others need from you.
We all need breaks.
You need break.
(23:29):
He needs a break.
It's that balance.
Each one of you needs that time.
Start small.
Speak up.
Own your choices.
Don't feel like you have to walksoft and create this dramatic
story when that voice of guilttries to creep in, remind
yourself you do not needpermission to be you.
(23:54):
So here's a few takeaways.
Speak in statements, notapologies.
Instead of saying, would it beokay if I try, I'm planning too.
Because you're not asking forpermission.
You're sharing your plan withrespect.
(24:14):
Be very clear and upfront aboutyour needs.
You want a night off?
Say it.
I need a night off because I'mfucking exhausted.
I need a night off to be with afriend and just chill.
Whatever it is, you don't haveto justify your desire to rest
or recharge.
This is a need not a luxury.
(24:37):
Check in like your teammates,instead of assuming or asking
like you're requesting a favor,have an open two-way
conversation.
Hey honey, what does your weeklook like?
I'm thinking of making plans onTuesday.
It's that simple.
Treat your time away asrestoration.
(24:59):
It's a reset, A reminder thatyou are a whole person, not just
the role that you fill at home.
Taking care of yourself shouldnot come with guilt.
Doing things with your friendsshould not come with guilt.
It should come with intention.
So go see your friend.
(25:19):
Go have dinner with yourfriends.
Go on that girl's weekend awaybecause when you come back,
you'll be refueled andreconnected to yourself and
everyone benefits.
You don't need permission.
You just need a reminder thatyou matter too, so take care of
(25:41):
yourself.
Until next time.
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