September 3, 2025 • 45 mins
In this episode, we sit down with the vibrant and inspiring Wendy Valentine, host of The Midlife Makeover Show and author of Women Waking Up: The Midlife Manifesto for Passion, Purpose, and Play. Join us as we talk about how midlife doesn't have to mean crisis—it can mean awakening. Wendy shares her deeply personal story of rebuilding her life from the ground up, and the radical self-love and resilience that fueled her transformation. We dive into the emotional truths of midlife, from grief and divorce to rediscovering joy and authenticity. Wendy doesn't just inspire, she equips you with tangible tools, mindset shifts, and her powerful FREEDOM framework to help you move from stuck to empowered.
Episode Highlights:
[0:03] - Welcoming Wendy Valentine and introducing her book, Women Waking Up
[2:32] - Wendy shares her rock-bottom moment and the events that triggered her transformation
[6:24] - Reframing "crashing out" as a path to growth and renewal
[8:25] - The lotus metaphor: finding beauty and strength in the mud of midlife
[13:09] - You don’t need a crisis to change: How midlife malaise can be a call to action [14:51] - The most common limiting beliefs Wendy hears from women in midlife
[17:37] - Stepping into the light: responsibility, courage, and becoming your own best friend [22:27] - Introducing the FREEDOM framework: 7 steps to rebuild and reclaim your life [27:27] - From "acting" like your future self to becoming her
[29:44] - Small changes with big ripple effects
[32:49] - Leaping into the unknown: Wendy’s journey into RV life and podcasting
[36:22] - Meditation, journaling, and daily habits that shift your brain and your life
[40:16] - Rewiring your beliefs through neuroplasticity and self-awareness
[43:25] - Trusting yourself and embracing midlife as your time
Links and Resources:
- Pre-order Wendy’s book Women Waking Up: https://www.wendyvalentine.com
- Wendy Valentine on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/wendy_valentine_/
- Wendy's Substack: https://wendyvalentine.substack.com
If today's discussion resonated with you or sparked curiosity, please rate, follow, and share "Insights from the Couch" with others. Your support helps us reach more people and continue providing valuable insights. Here’s to finding our purposes and living a life full of meaning and joy. Stay tuned for more!
🎙️ Love the podcast? Come talk about episodes with us inside The Midlife Chat. It’s a free, private community just for women at midlife who want to keep these conversations going. We’ve created this space for real talk, fresh resources, and honest connection—where you can share ideas and resources, ask questions, and get support from women navigating the same season. Come join us—we’d love to have you!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Colette Fehr (00:03):
Hi guys. Welcome back to insights from the couch.
We have Wendy Valentine heretoday, author of women waking
up, you're going to want to grabher book immediately, because
we're going to be talking abouthow to have a midlife awakening,
not a crisis. I don't even knowwhat that word means. We're
going to have so much fun today.
Wendy, thank you for being here.
Welcome to insights from thecouch. Tell us about you and
(00:25):
your book before we dive in.
Wendy Valentine (00:28):
Oh, there's so much to tell. Thank you for
having me. I was I was literallythinking that maybe I should do
the interview from the couch sothat have been cute.
Colette Fehr (00:39):
I know she just all lie down on the couch and
talk that way. Yeah.
Wendy Valentine (00:44):
So yes. Wendy Valentine, I am host of the
midlife makeover show podcastwhere we talk about all things
midlife. And as you know,there's a lot to talk about. Oh
yes. And author of the what thebook, women waking up, the
midlife manifesto for passion,purpose and play. It is my
little baby. I love her so much,so much work has been put into
(01:07):
this thing. Oh my gosh. So yeah,this book is part guidebook,
part playbook. It's a little bitof a memoir. So you get to hear
my story, how I went frombreakdown to breakthrough, and
it is jam packed full of toolsand techniques that you can
apply immediately in your life.
I was kind of after less fluffand more formula, because as you
(01:29):
go into the bookstore, ifanybody does it anymore, you go
to the Self Help section, whichI've read all of them, that's
actually my section, and I loveall those books, and they've
helped me tremendously. But onething I've noticed, like,
there's a lot of just fluff anda lot of sounds great, but how
do you actually do that actuallychange your life? So that was my
(01:53):
goal with this book, is toliterally put everything in
there that no matter whereyou're at in your life, if
you're lost or stuck or feelinga little invisible that happens
to us in our 40s and 50s, thatthere's plenty of methods in
there to help you get you tothat next level in your life.
Colette Fehr (02:12):
That's amazing, because action. We gotta get
into action to create change,and that is the missing piece a
lot of the time. So before weget into some of that.
Obviously, you guys, we're goingto want to read this book to get
the full breadth and scope ofthe tools, but your personal
story is amazing. So tell us alittle bit about that.
Wendy Valentine (02:32):
Ooh. Okay, let's go back. Let's see. About
seven years ago, so I'm 52 nowthat was I was 45 years old, and
I was going through divorce. Ihad about 150 grand in debt,
unemployed, the list goes on. Ihad black mold, toxicity, Lyme
(02:53):
disease. I was like, at the peakof my perimenopause, I didn't
even know it was calledperimenopause until I started
the show. I was like, there issuch a thing as perimenopause.
We
Colette Fehr (03:02):
learned that the hard way too. I know I
Wendy Valentine (03:03):
was like, Why didn't I tell me that? So within
a six week period, my dog died,my cat died, and then my brother
died. So like all the things wehear about that can happen in
midlife, it happened to me allat once, all at once, all at
once. Yes, needless to say, Ihad depression and anxiety and
(03:26):
panic attacks from fromwitnessing my brother's death.
So I was a hot, hot mess, notjust from the hot flashes. So I
came to this point was like theRobert Frost quote of you know,
two two paths diverged in awood, and I took the road less
traveled by. And I did, becauseI had to make that decision of
(03:49):
like, am I going to keepspiraling downward, or am I
going to rebuild my life fromthe ground up? And in some ways,
it was a great opportunity forme with the fact that everything
was completely deconstructed,because then I had a clean slate
in a weird way. And I was like,Okay, well, if everything went
to crap, then I can justcompletely rebuild. And I did.
(04:13):
And so I took the road lesstraveled, the road that would
lead me back to me, to my true,authentic self. And within a two
year period, I got therapy forthe panic attacks and the
depression. EMDR, yes, can wehear it for? EMDR, I love it.
Yes. Found this great therapistin Chicago. She's amazing. So I
(04:37):
worked on everything in my life,physically, mentally,
emotionally, spiritually,financially, and within that two
year period, I went from making$0 to a half a million dollars,
paid off all my debt. Wow. And Ihad always had this dream of
driving an RV across thecountry. And. And I thought, you
(05:01):
know, why don't I just make thishappen? Like, let's just go for
it. Wow, I did. I bought an RV,and I took off across the
country, and then I started themidlife makeover show podcast,
eventually writing the book.
Because at that time, I thought,all right, I looked back at the
last two years and I thought, ifI could do this, anybody can do
(05:23):
this. I mean, as much as my lifewas a mess, if I can do it, any
woman can do this, they canrebuild their life and create a
life that they love. So Icreated the freedom framework,
which ended up going into thebook. And,
Laura Bowman (05:41):
yeah, I just want to zoom in on this real quick,
because, like, I in therapy, youknow, I actually think that
there's a big term. Now, I don'tknow if you guys have heard it
on the internet, but it's like,crashing out. Have you heard
Wendy Valentine (05:55):
of this on love
Laura Bowman (05:57):
Island? They're like, Oh my god, so and so is
like crashing out in real time.
But I actually think that, like,crashing out is kind of like
what you're describing. Thisphase of your life can be like
such a huge blessing, because itdoes allow you this, like, you
get to bounce off the bottom ofthe swimming pool and kind of
have an opportunity to, like,rebuild everything. So it's sort
(06:17):
of like this it, you would neverask for it, but it's sort of
like this weird gift.
Wendy Valentine (06:24):
Yeah, I'm so glad you said that, yeah,
Laura Bowman (06:27):
but I want to zoom in on the years, those years
that it took you from like, ohmy god, I cannot believe that.
Like, my life is the hot mess.
Express to like, when you like,what were the things that made
you feel like you were emergingout of that.
Wendy Valentine (06:44):
The things that were, um, you know what I'm
gonna go with, the first thingthat popped into my mind, and it
was the very first time that Ifelt more connected to my
spirit, yeah, and as much as wewould love to ask chat GPT all
the questions about our lives,but really it's like that inner
(07:07):
chat guru, if you will. I had tohave start having those
difficult conversations withmyself. Yes, we've heard the
term of piss or get off the pot,right? I had to have that piss
or get off the pod conversationwith myself. Like, all right,
Wendy, it's go time. Like, nomore excuses. You have got to do
(07:29):
something to change your life.
And I thought too the next 50years, I did not want to repeat
that. I didn't want I wanted itto be different, and I knew the
only person that could changethat was me. I would love to
blame everyone and the past andthe crappy relationships and
even the black mold and the tickbite. You know what I mean?
(07:49):
Like, we could all blameeverything that's external, but
really it was up to me and I. Ihad to become my own best
friend. I had to start beingkinder to myself. Start loving
myself more. I always say that Igot a divorce and I married
myself. Yeah, the greatest giftever. And so, yeah, I mean, it
(08:09):
may, when you were talking aboutthe kind of like going down into
the pool and coming back up, itmade me think of the lotus,
which I actually talked about itin the book, and there's a term
called the Lotus effect. So thelotus, every night, sits in the
mud, it's cold and it's dark andit's yucky. And every morning,
(08:30):
when the sun rises, the Lotuscomes to the surface so it
reaches for the light. What'sreally cool, and this is the
Lotus effect, is that as itopens up, the water literally
removes all of the mud from itspetals, so you never see mud on
its petals, and then the sungoes down, and then the Lotus
(08:52):
goes back into the mud. And Iwas always fascinated by that,
and I related that to my life,and I thought, okay, I I need to
love my mud, you know, the muckof midlife, the divorce, the the
trauma, the death, the debt,everything, it's all mud. But
just like the lotus, it alsonourishes you, because the Lotus
(09:14):
feeds off of that mud, right?
And to always reach for thelight and to also not allow it
to take you down. Like, yes,it's part of you. It's it's that
mud is part of the lotus, all ofthat trauma and the drama is
part of me, but it's not, it'snot appearing on me. I don't
(09:36):
like walk throughout my daygoing, Look at me. I have all
this stuff going on. I mean,sometimes I have to tell my
story, but, but it doesn't weighme down. It's I show more of the
light and the the pretty whitepetals than I do my mud.
Laura Bowman (09:51):
I love that,
Colette Fehr (09:52):
right? But you embrace the messy parts, and it
sounds like you were able tostart changing your life. By
getting into a healthierrelationship with yourself and
accepting the difficult pieces,but then also not pushing
yourself from a place ofcriticism and pressure and fear,
(10:13):
but pushing yourself from aplace of self love and
encouragement and like, come onWendy, you've got this, and you
gotta get yourself, figurativelyoff the couch and into action,
or things aren't going tochange. I think that's sometimes
a struggle for people to haveperspective when we're in the
mud that right? It can feel sobad that we get pulled in and we
(10:36):
think we're sinking into theearth, when really it's part of
the grist for the mill.
Wendy Valentine (10:41):
Yeah, you have to ask yourself, What can I
learn from this? And you may notknow right away.
Unknown (10:46):
I mean, I've always, like, kind of slow to learn on
some of that stuff or
Wendy Valentine (10:50):
go through something. I'm like, I don't
know what's here, but there'ssomething I just know it, and
it'll hit me, like, out of theblue, maybe a year later, or two
years, two years later, but I'malways looking for it. There's
something there. So, yeah, itmakes you it is the dichotomy of
life, right? You wouldn't knowlight if you didn't know dark,
(11:10):
you wouldn't know joy, if youdidn't know sadness, if it was
happy all the time, then wewould be like, okay, you know
it's like the the story ofSiddhartha, of Buddha, right?
His his parents wanted toprotect him, so they kept him
inside the castle. Andeverything was happy and joyous
and wonderful all the time. Andthen one day, Siddhartha climbs
(11:35):
over the castle wall, and hesees a homeless person, and he
was miserable, and he was like,Wow. He's like, didn't, had
never even experienced anyemotions like that, yep. And
then he went back inside thecastle, and he missed that, that
holistic feeling of being ahuman and I think the one of the
(11:57):
things to really accept andunderstand and grasp that we're
human beings, being human we'rebuilt with, as you know, right,
19 plus main emotions, and toembrace them and love every
single one of them, even thedepress. I mean, anger serves a
purpose, right? Depressionserves a purpose, everything.
(12:20):
And if you just kind of learn toutilize those emotions to get
you to wherever you want to goin life, it's amazing. It's
amazing.
Laura Bowman (12:30):
It's interesting too. Is like, I think that these
these muddy moments, or thesethings like you're describing,
like divorce and dad and allthese things compel a person to
sort of grow. And I know what Isee as a therapist is women that
in my office that don't reallyneed to change. They're in
midlife, they're really stuck,they don't feel a sense of
(12:52):
purpose, but there's nothingcompelling
Unknown (12:55):
them. Crisis. There's no crisis. Yeah, and
Laura Bowman (12:59):
I mean, it shouldn't be that change should
always require crisis. Agreed,very often, it's like the thing
that helps you get to the nextlevel, because
Colette Fehr (13:09):
it's having everything fall apart. Yeah,
yes, sometimes people won'tgalvanize until something is
forcing you to however, what Ilove about what you're saying,
though, too. Is that okay? Everycrisis happened to you sort of
all at once, which in the momentcan't have felt good, right? We
can sit here and wax poeticabout embracing negative
(13:31):
emotions, right when they'repiling on. It is really, really
tough to have that perspective.
But what I love about whatyou're saying, and your point,
Laura, is that you know thisisn't unique to Wendy. You're
not the only person who can dothis, and you don't have to have
your life fall apart. And if youhave your life fall apart, you
(13:54):
can do this no matter who youare, whether everything's
burning to the ground aroundyou, or whether you're just sort
of stuck in on we that sort oflike midlife malaise, of like, I
don't really love what'shappening, but I don't know what
to do or where to get started.
So you we can have that life wewant and break our patterns, no
(14:18):
matter who we are what'shappening. And I really am
excited that you're givingpeople such actionable tools to
get there, because that's ourmotivation too, right? We can
all talk about this and haveanalysis paralysis. So as we get
into this, can you because Ithought this was really
interesting, the way youhighlight let's get into some of
(14:39):
the self limiting beliefs thatyou see, that we hear all the
time in our office, too, andwe've all struggled with
ourself. What are some of thelimiting beliefs that come up at
midlife that we've got to kindof work around? I
Wendy Valentine (14:51):
would have to say I'm too old, I'm not good
enough, I'm not smart enough.
This is my life now. Wow. Wa,wa. I mean, these are all. I
mean, they call it a limitingbelief, for a reason, right?
Because it limits you from beingwho you truly want to be. And by
the way, I love your sub stack.
(15:14):
On sub stack, and I posted onetoday about the Marianne
Williamson quote. It is my faithquote, and it is a quote that
literally helped to push me outof that mud. And the quote is,
our deepest fear is not that weare inadequate. Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyondmeasure. It is our light, not
(15:37):
our darkness, that mostfrightens us. And at the time
when I had this aha moment withthis quote, the Marian
Williamson quote, was like,staring at me from the wall. I
was living in the basementbecause my husband and I were
going through divorce, and Ivolunteered to be the one that
would live in the basement inthe dark cold. I was like, well,
(15:58):
gonna have a dark night of thesoul. Let's go all out. I was
trying to make the basement mylittle dungeon a little bit more
of like a sanctuary. So I hungup, you know, positive quotes on
the walls, and I had this pink,very uncomfortable but so
adorable, pink, fuchsia chairfrom Pier One. I miss Pier One,
(16:19):
and some days, like I would,literally, I would lay in bed
just bawl my eyes out feelingsorry for myself. And some days
I would make it from the bed tothe fuchsia chair, and I would
sit in that chair and I wouldstare at all of these quotes,
and I kept going back toMarianne quote, and for some
reason, it just kept drawing meback in. I'm like, why am I
(16:41):
obsessed with this quote? Idon't totally get it. I don't
totally agree with that. I waslike, a little pissed about it,
and then it finally hit me. Iwas like, oh, wait a second. It
is our light, not our darkness,that most frightens us. And I
asked myself the question,instead of chat GPT, because we
didn't have it back then, Iasked myself the question, what
(17:02):
if, Wendy, what if you fullystepped into your light? Like,
what? Great question. Yeah, andvery rare, like, we we can hang
on to that mud, and we can loveour dark. And sometimes the dark
is it's familiar. It's like, Oh,I know. I mean, it was
predictable for me. I know howto be depressed. I know how to
have anxiety. I know how to doall the things and to even
(17:24):
manipulate I was almost likegaslighting myself, if you will,
right? And then I thought, Okay,what if I fully stepped into my
life? And when I asked myselfthat question, I my stomach was
like, Oh, my God.
Laura Bowman (17:38):
That means a responsibility, right? It's a
big responsibility.
Wendy Valentine (17:41):
Wait a second, I have to follow through this
divorce. I have to get a job. Ihave to I have to start making
some money, I have to get somegood therapy. I have to do all
the things take responsibility.
Yeah, it was, and I thought, butwait a second, staying in the
dark, where's that going to getme staying in the basement,
(18:02):
right? Metaphorically orliterally? So I was like, No, we
it's time. It is time to stepinto the light, because I cannot
handle this anymore. Like it's,it was so heavy, but it's, you
know, I want to go back to whatyou were saying before about
it's proactive versus reactive,right, right? Because you either
(18:22):
are the ones serving the divorcepapers or putting in the
resignation letter to youremployer, or you're the one
getting served with the divorcepapers or right or or getting
fired. So it's either proactiveversus reactive, and I think
that's the key, is to stay aheadin your life as much as you
possibly can. As you know, wecan't avoid shit that happens in
(18:44):
life. You can't avoid deathsthat occur. You can't avoid
career changes and body changes.
Sometimes like you can't avoid alot of this stuff, but it's how
you deal with it, how you getback up and do as much as you
can proactively with yourselfand your heart and your soul and
(19:06):
taking care of yourself, themore that you can take care of
yourself. You can handleanything that comes your way.
You really can't.
Laura Bowman (19:13):
Yeah, yeah. I agree with that,
Colette Fehr (19:16):
right? And I think that's the hard thing, is that
when we're feeling the heavy,and I'm glad you talked about
that, how heavy it felt thatsome days you couldn't even get
out of bed. You lay there andcried, because that's real.
That's what it feels like whenwe are in the dark place,
literally and metaphorically, itcan feel absolutely overwhelming
and paralyzing, but there isalways a way through, and it
(19:39):
starts with getting intoconnection with yourself and
getting into action reallytaking an honest appraisal of
what's the situation. Am I goingto sit here and continue to suck
my thumb and see myself as avictim, or am I going to say,
Okay, this sucks, and now, whatam I going to do to turn my life
around? Yeah. You have to saveyourself, right? No one else is
(20:02):
coming
Laura Bowman (20:03):
when, when you're in that downward spiral, though
it can feel so hard to take careof yourself, I just want to
normalize that. Like when you'rein that dark place, I think
those bad habits really comeroaring out. And so it's like
that whole like, take care ofyourself. It's you're so anxiety
ridden. Oftentimes, it's hard todo anything to Care for Self,
(20:23):
except for, like, survive. You
Wendy Valentine (20:25):
know what I do now, though, like, and I still
have shitty days and shittyafternoons and a crappy week,
maybe not even crappy weekanymore, but I'll give I'm like,
All right, girl, I'm gonna giveyou an hour and you're gonna lay
on that bed and ball your eyesout and feel sorry for yourself,
and then you're done. I lovethat, yeah, and then I also give
(20:47):
myself Grace like we do not. Imean, as women, we are such
great caretakers, and we're soloving and we're so sweet, but
for ourselves like we don't giveourselves that grace and that
and that credit, and it's okayto have a shitty day. It's okay
Colette Fehr (21:04):
and you're gonna have a shitty day, no matter how
bad our life is or how bad,yeah, yeah,
Wendy Valentine (21:09):
yeah, it's and sometimes you're just in a bad
mood. I mean, I've stoppedevaluating everything, because I
used to them like, something'swrong. Oh my god. What is it?
And I would like, analyze mywhole life. I'm like, Man, I'm
Unknown (21:21):
just like, right?
Sometimes
Colette Fehr (21:23):
it's just a hard day. And I know, and I we see
this in therapy all the timethat, you know, some days the
same things feel so heavy andawful. I'll wake up the next
day. Nothing's changed. But Ijust don't feel as down about
it, or it just my perspectivehas shifted. I mean, so much of
it is what's happening in yournervous system. So the more we
(21:44):
can just embrace that. Sometimesit's gonna feel like a lot of
Yuck, and sometimes it's gonnafeel like a lot of hope, and
move with that. Then we don'tget stuck in making meaning that
brings us down farther. We canjust move through difficult
emotion.
Wendy Valentine (22:02):
Yeah, you're so right. And I always think of
emotions as energy in motion,right? Emotions, they flow
through you. They're notsupposed to stay stuck. So just
allow them to, like, do whateverit's gonna do, and then move its
way out. And you just gotta youhave to move on. You have to
give yourself permission to moveon. It's hard for people, yeah,
Unknown (22:24):
but it's doable, but it's 100%
Laura Bowman (22:27):
so Wendy, start taking us into some of these
tools that you have. Like, whatis this? Like, Freedom method,
and how do you use this withwomen?
Wendy Valentine (22:37):
So freedom and literally, they are these seven
steps that I took to take mefrom like point A of angst to
point B of bliss. And f is freeyourself. And that's a lot about
just gaining clarity on whereyou're at now and where you want
to go and becoming your own bestfriend, and then r is reset your
(23:03):
life. A lot of that is droppingthe baggage. And if you were
like me, by the time I got tomid 40s, I had probably a U haul
truck full of baggage that I wascarrying around. So a lot of
that is just allowing, again,allowing yourself to drop that
baggage. You don't have to carryit. You don't have to carry
everyone else's baggage either,and hitting that reset button as
(23:27):
you step into your next chapteras a new woman. And this is
probably, I think, the secondstep is my favorite, because a
lot of it is about designing anew woman. And if you think of
think of like a drone, if youhad a drone that was following
you around all throughout theday as you got up in the morning
(23:49):
and observing what you werethinking, what you were doing,
how you were eating. Were yourushing around? Did you stop to
meditate? Did you stop to get abreath of fresh air? How are you
dealing with people? How do youwalk into a room, everything
that you do and like, literallydesigning this woman, how you
really want her to actthroughout her day, and then
(24:12):
every single morning, when youwake up, you slip into the shoes
of that new woman. Andeventually you become her, which
is pretty cool, which is exactlywhat I did. And I'll never
forget this my Aunt Annie, 92years old, that poor thing, the
greatest sounding board on theplanet, even my own therapist,
was like, Thank God for AuntAnnie, but she told me. She
(24:34):
said, Darling. She's like,you've always wanted to be an
actress. She said, why don't youjust act like the woman you want
to become. Like, that's genius.
So I did, I mean literally,like, okay, strong. I want to be
healthy. This is, this is how ahealthy Wendy eats. This is how
she thinks all of that. So yes,I would say the second step. Is
(24:58):
probably the most critical ofthem all. E is envision a new
future that is a lot aboutcreating your dream life, from
your home to your health to yourhappiness, and then reverse
engineering that dream intoreality. And as we all know,
it's, we are 99% energy, only atiny bit of matter. And if we
(25:24):
concentrate more on that energyand we dream what we want to see
happen, like it's alreadyhappened. Yeah, it will happen.
I mean, that's how I manifestedthe RV and did all the things so
it's, it can happen. E, the nextE is embrace and explore. And
that is dropping theperfectionism and just embracing
(25:45):
who you are, where, where you'reat right now in your life, and
even all of the challenges youmight occur as you move forward,
right? I mean, I am a recoverHi. My name is Wendy. I'm a
recovering perfectionist. Imean, what is it? Approval,
seeking, codependency. I had allof those labels, and I had to
(26:09):
peel those labels off becausethey weren't serving me anymore.
Yeah, and I looked back at mylife, and the reason I put those
labels on me is it was a way tosurvive. It was a way for the
little Wendy to not getabandoned anymore, to feel safe
and secure, even though deepdown, I wasn't. So it's removing
(26:29):
those labels so that you canreally just be your true,
authentic self without apologyat all. Right. Dee is detached
from tomorrow. This is all aboutbeing present, going with the
flow, allowing life to justunfold. However, because it is
right, it's going to unfold.
It's going to do what it's goingto do anyway, do its thing. O is
(26:53):
probably my favorite. O is Oyour better self. This is about
setting healthy boundaries,creating more self worth, and I
mean owning who you are. Becauselike you're going to go through
the trouble of designing thisnew woman, you've got to protect
her. You got to take care ofher. And finally, M is master
yourself. This is all aboutwashing, rinsing, repeating the
(27:17):
same steps, because we don'tjust evolve, and then you stop,
you continue to evolve as youmove forward in your life. So
you're
Colette Fehr (27:27):
taking people through in the book and in your
work with people, you're takingpeople through the same steps
you have walked through. Youknow they work. You've been
through them. And I love thatyou rely so much on the mindset
and the energy, because itreally is possible to create
whatever you want for yourself.
That's where those limitingbeliefs come in. Is people think
(27:49):
it's not true when thoselimiting beliefs are occluding
your perspective, but it reallyis true, so you're giving people
a way to dig out and see thatwhatever you want is possible.
Wendy Valentine (28:03):
Yeah, I think we sometimes will, and I was, I
will use those as an excuse tonot, to not move into that
light, right? I agree. And, youknow, I've had people even ask
in interviews, have you alwaysbeen so bold? Have you always
been so courageous? I'm like,No, but we're all courageous.
(28:24):
We're just courageous indifferent ways and in different
phases in our life. I mean,going back to that story of
being in the basement bawling myeyes out, you know, every single
day being bold sometimes wasliterally moving to the fuchsia
chair. That was a bold move forme, and then taking
Colette Fehr (28:40):
care of yourself that day, right? Like that. It's
going to look different.
Wendy Valentine (28:45):
We don't have to, you know, Rome wasn't built
in a day, and neither will thenew you. So you don't have to do
it all overnight. Just takelittle mini steps, and
eventually you'll take biggersteps and bigger steps and
bigger steps, but, but it's ait's a process. It's not
anything that's done. So if youdon't, I mean, that's why New
Year's resolutions fail so manytimes, because people try to do
(29:08):
too much too soon, and thenthey're like, Oh, I suck. I
can't do this. Like, yes, youcan just little by little by
little.
Colette Fehr (29:15):
Yeah. And in fact, what we know from the science of
change is that even when wethink we're taking off a very
small chunk. We usually have toslice it about 10 times thinner
than we think we do. You know,like doing two push ups in order
to build a habit of doing pushups, not every day I'm going to
get up and do 100 push ups.
That's not small. Small means alittle teeny. Maybe one day all
(29:38):
you do is get out of bed andinto the fuchsia chair.
Wendy Valentine (29:44):
I think one of the things that happens in your
40s and 50s is that the rules,the roles, the expectations, are
changing. Yep, and you have tokind of take a step back and
look at that like, what is myrole now? What and what are the
rules? And do I believe in thoserules? Do I. Yeah, what are my
roles like? What are my values?
Who do I want to be? And youdon't. What's cool though, too,
(30:06):
is that you don't have to changeall areas of your life. You can
just pick one area, you focus onthat one area. And what's
amazing is that as you changeone part of your life, like the
rest of the area has changedtoo. It just spills over. So you
don't have to try to totallyreinvent yourself. I had a lady
(30:26):
that a student that was in myclass this past year, and she
was someone that was like, Idon't have, like, a whole lot to
change, but she just felt likethere was something missing.
Yeah, something else. And, youknow, she was, she was in her
50s and, and all, the main thingthat she got out of the whole
(30:47):
course was that just for her toget out and play a little bit
more, yeah, take that, take anart class, and to think outside
the box a little bit, and she'slike, Oh my god, I'm finding
things that I actually like todo. I mean, she had a good
marriage. She loved her job, andall of those things were good.
She was healthy, but she justwanted there was something
missing. And it was she had tofind that thing, but she found
(31:09):
it. It was just plain, a littlebit more so, yeah, not all of us
have to have a total revamp
Laura Bowman (31:17):
and and action creates more action, right? Like
you begin we all, we call it theactive dabble here, where you
just start dabbling in things,and all of a sudden you find
what, like speaks to you. ButI'm just curious how you go
from, like, taking the leap todoing the RV because that's like
a really big independent move,like, talk to us a little bit
(31:42):
about that. Well,
Wendy Valentine (31:44):
I sold everything, by the way, so that
was, that was a huge leave. I'mgoing from, you know, a 5000
square foot house down to 150square feet.
Colette Fehr (31:56):
I think that's amazing. Though, I actually feel
envy inside of me when I hearthat like I love the idea of
shedding,
Wendy Valentine (32:03):
yes, yeah. And, you know, I was decluttering all
areas of my life. You thinkabout my relationships, for
changing the my decluttering, mymind, my beliefs, everything,
but it was all it was all babysteps. I again. I couldn't have
done it, you know, overnight,and I just, I just kept tuning
(32:24):
in with myself. I just kepttuning in to, all right, Wendy,
what's next? What's the nextmove? Like, let's, let's take
care of this. And then we go onand we keep going to the next
layer, the next layer. So, Idon't know, I just kept, for the
first time in my life, Iactually listened to myself,
yeah, and what I wanted and whatwould bring in. I didn't. I
didn't know how to drive an RV.
I didn't know how to operate anRV. I didn't know how to
Laura Bowman (32:49):
run a podcast. No,
Wendy Valentine (32:53):
right now is anybody know our raw podcast?
But the another quote thatreally motivated me during that
time was leap and the net willappear, yeah, and I just kept
leaping, and the net is, is you?
You are the net. You will catchyourself. And again, as
recovering perfectionist, I usedto not even make a move until I
(33:16):
had everything figured out. Imean it. I think in some ways, I
wanted to start a podcast, youknow, 10 years ago, but I didn't
have the lighting right, or thewall would look a little weird,
or, Oh, I was off center. Imean, literally, just like, oh
my god,
Unknown (33:36):
yeah,
Wendy Valentine (33:36):
yeah. And now I
Colette Fehr (33:38):
just let it be let it be messy. Let it be messy. I
think that's one of the biggestthings I learned in life, too,
is that you've got to just, I'venever heard the quote, leap and
the net will appear. Is thatwhat it is? But I love that. I
think that is how you have tolive. And sometimes you are
going to fall with a bit of athud. I mean, we can't pretend
(33:59):
that's not true, like failure ispart of the process, and it's
what we learn most from. But themore you leave and realize, most
of the time, you catch yourself,you figure it out, and even when
you fall, you're able to getback up, wiser and better and
land next time. That's the onlyway. And you've gotten where you
are by doing it the oppositeway. Just go for it. Figure it
(34:23):
the fuck out as you go. Yeah, Ilove
Wendy Valentine (34:26):
that. You said that because, did you ever see
the George Costanza episodewhere he did opposite day? No,
but I've heard people
Colette Fehr (34:33):
talk about this, but explain it a little, because
I never actually watched,
Wendy Valentine (34:37):
yeah, that was one of the, one of the things
that popped in my mind duringthat time. I was like, no, what
if I just had a George Costanzaday life chapter or whatever.
And basically, in the episode,he was like, you know,
everything else hasn't turnedout the way it's supposed to.
What if I just do the opposite,you know, like, sort of chicken.
I'm gonna order tuna. Like hejust kept doing everything. I.
(35:00):
Opposite, and that's what I did.
I was like, You know what? That,instead of feeling like, Oh, I
got to call this person back.
What if I don't call them back,you know, or anything, I just
Colette Fehr (35:09):
did the opposite of what the woman I was used to
do and did what this new womanI'm becoming would do back. What
might happen? Yeah,
Wendy Valentine (35:18):
I think we're, we're trained to, like with all
of these goals and everythingelse, these plans, having our
planners, which I have one too,but I think we focus too much on
the what and the when and thewhere and the why and the how,
instead of the who I'm like,What about the who isn't that
the most important? Because ifyou design the woman that you
(35:40):
want to be. She'll do thethings. Yep, she will take that
leap, she will buy that RV, shewill write that book, or start
the podcast. She will do thosethings. And it's like, it's an
easier way to go about it,rather than like, Okay, I gotta
get up and I gotta go, check,check,
Laura Bowman (35:58):
check, yeah. And it's also the idea that, like,
when you achieve something,you're going to feel a certain
way, rather than like just beingpresent on the whole journey.
And that journey is you becomingthis woman you want to be, and
so like every day can feel good,as opposed to when I get this
one thing happening, I'llfinally feel validated in my
life. It's like a totallydifferent perspective, you
Wendy Valentine (36:22):
know? And I would, I would say that the two
greatest things I did, thegreatest habits I created during
that time, was meditation andjournaling. Those two things
were, those are the winner,winner. Chicken dinners agreed
every single morning, just aboutand I learned how to meditate
(36:43):
that would work for me, becauseI used to go to the Deepak
Chopra retreats, and they wouldsit in silence for like over an
hour, and I would just die. Iwas like, but then I started
doing guided meditations, andthose changed so much for me to
where I really loved meditation,and then I could see the results
(37:06):
happening in my life, in mostimportantly within me, I was
calmer. Things were the limitingbeliefs were starting to just
kind of disappear without melike trying to get them to
change,
Laura Bowman (37:18):
but you're describing habits that tune you
into yourself, right? Yeah,exactly. Those are, like, you
going inside, yep, that's thething that begins to clear it
away. And it's the shift that alot of people, especially when
they're in a frenzied state,have a really hard time doing.
They're going outside. They'relike, what do you think I should
do? What should I do here? Andyou gotta get that relationship
(37:39):
with self going, Yeah,
Wendy Valentine (37:42):
too. Like, if you know, if you're, if you're
someone out there listening thatyou're really, really
struggling, like the shit hashit the fan, and you just want
to scream, and just like, oh mygod, there are ways, little
ways, that you can just helpyourself feel better. And
sometimes it's simply, I know itsounds corny, but just taking a
(38:04):
walk in the park, sitting andreading a book, drinking some
tea, hanging out with friends,and I, I was the worst at even
though I don't know I didn't, Ihad a hard time, like calling my
friends and going, I'm reallystruggling. But they sensed it,
so they would come like, I'mtaking out to lunch. So even if
it's just calling a friend andsaying, I need to, I just need
(38:27):
to sit and have coffee, youknow, anything. But you try to
find little ways to help youfeel a little bit better each
day, and eventually you get outof it. But again, you have to
pull yourself out of it, but
Colette Fehr (38:41):
I'm so glad you said that, because you're right.
It is we're talking about bigtransformations, and also on a
day to day basis, when the shitreally hits the fan, it is doing
these little things that justare self loving and make you
feel even a tiny bit better inthe midst of the hardship,
(39:01):
whereas, like you said, Laura, alot of times when we're in
crisis, we're grasping for oldcoping mechanisms that are
maladaptive or unhealthy, right?
Like when I was going through mydivorce. It's 20 years ago, but
I started, I hadn't smoked acigarette in seven years, and I
started chain smoking again. Andyou know, I started going from
having one glass of wineoccasionally to having three on
my back porch with a pack ofcigarettes. And then I'm like,
(39:24):
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm copinggreat. I don't need help. Like,
what the fuck Right? Right?
Yeah, I'm fine. I don't need,like, medication. I'm not
depressed, I'm not anxious. Areyou out of your mind? Those
things don't happen to me. I cando anything. I'm strong, right?
(39:44):
So it's like, you're not you'reme. I was making meaning at that
time, in a way, and going backto, like, old, younger versions
of Colette and how she coped,like how I coped when my parents
got divorced as a teenager. You.
Instead of saying, Okay, this isnow, and yes, I'm an adult, but
this is really hard. So what canI do that's self loving and
(40:05):
makes me feel better? And is itreally three glasses of wine and
a pack of cigarettes? No, it'snot. And that's how I began to
emerge,
Wendy Valentine (40:16):
yes, and I would have say too, with
meditation, one of the things Ilearned was it wasn't some
you're not trying to stop yourthoughts because some people,
like, I can't stop thinking.
You're not supposed to stopthinking, right? You're just
observing. You're just watchingthese thoughts go by, like, it's
a ticker tape, you know, on CNN,right? You're like, you're just,
you're just watching. You'rejust checking out the news. Are
(40:36):
you you got bad news comingacross? You got good news coming
across, whatever it is, right?
But then also, too, withmeditation, and this is
something I learned from Dr JoeDispenza with neuroplasticity
neuroscience. It's crazy tothink that they didn't figure
this out until maybe what, 35years ago, that we can actually
(40:57):
rewire our brain. Fascinating.
But once I learned that, I waslike, oh, so I'm not stuck with
all of these beliefs and all ofthese thoughts that I have that
keep going on repeat. I canactually change that. So with
meditation, what's amazing isthat if you have a neural
pathway that has always believedI'm not good enough, I'm not
(41:21):
smart enough. You can literallychange that neural pathway. That
pathway will just disappear, andyou create a new one that
believes that you're amazing andyou're a genius and you're
awesome, and that that is thepoint of meditation, is to
literally change your brain andchange your life. That
Colette Fehr (41:42):
practice, in and of itself, if I could get
everyone who comes in here forcouples therapy to adopt a short
daily mindfulness meditationpractice that is the fastest and
best way to fire me and not needto come in here and spend your
time and money. That's true forall for all ailments, but it's
it's sometimes a tough sell,because it's not a quick fix.
(42:06):
It's something that you have todo, and then it takes time to
feel the rewiring of the brain.
But I think we're all sayinghere, do it. It's worth it. It's
a game changer,
Wendy Valentine (42:18):
because, as we know, like the the panic attacks
and anxiety and the depressionsometimes, like, it can get
stuck and until you can and whatworks for one person doesn't
work for another. So you haveto, yeah, you just have to
figure out, like, try all sortsof different methods and
techniques, no matter who it isor what it is, just try
(42:39):
different things to get thatunstuck. So just to break
yourself free and see what worksfor you. Point is like, do
anything you possibly can torecover from the trauma and the
drama, and it's just becauseyou're worth it. I mean, we're
all worth it to just move pastthis. Because
Laura Bowman (42:58):
when I hear you saying, Wendy, like that first
step is, like, you've got togive yourself the permission to
change and like that, to grow,and that these things will
appear on your path. Thesethings will get dropped down,
and you will you, if you chooseto follow it, it will take you
somewhere new. Yeah, first,yeah. A lot of people think they
(43:20):
know what they need, or theythink they know what'll help.
And it's like be open yourselfup to possibility.
Wendy Valentine (43:26):
I know, yeah, trust you. Trust yourself. I
think this is a lot of in thisstage in life, especially we
have to we're so used to havingto take care of kids and our
partners and our parents andfriends, and this is your time
to take care of yourself and andyou you just do anything you
(43:46):
possibly can to just to loveyourself more.
Colette Fehr (43:50):
What a beautiful sentiment to end on. I think
that's perfect. And your book isamazing. I think our listeners
gonna are gonna love it. Soremind everyone about your book,
where they can find it, and howthey can find you and work with
you. All that good stuff.
Wendy Valentine (44:06):
Thank you. So main place is Wendy
valentine.com you can actuallyget the book there. I don't know
when this episode is coming out,but the book comes out September
9. If you order before, thenthere's like, over $500 in pre
order bonuses, and I'm onInstagram, Facebook, and sub
stack is my new my new hangout.
Colette Fehr (44:26):
Yes, I have your sub stack in my inbox to read
today.
Wendy Valentine (44:31):
Yeah, well, you already know about it. It's the
basement.
Colette Fehr (44:35):
And the Marianne Williams have no but it's great.
It's great stuff. So thank youso much for being here. Wendy,
yes, everyone go grab a copy ofwomen waking up. It's what we
all need to make this stage oflife the best it can be. And
we're so grateful for you forbeing here. We hope you got some
insights from our couch today,and we'll see you next time.
(44:57):
Bye, guys. You.
Hi guys. Welcome back to insights from the couch.
We have Wendy Valentine heretoday, author of women waking
up, you're going to want to grabher book immediately, because
we're going to be talking abouthow to have a midlife awakening,
not a crisis. I don't even knowwhat that word means. We're
going to have so much fun today.
Wendy, thank you for being here.
Welcome to insights from thecouch. Tell us about you and
(00:25):
your book before we dive in.
Wendy Valentine (00:28):
Oh, there's so much to tell. Thank you for
having me. I was I was literallythinking that maybe I should do
the interview from the couch sothat have been cute.
Colette Fehr (00:39):
I know she just all lie down on the couch and
talk that way. Yeah.
Wendy Valentine (00:44):
So yes. Wendy Valentine, I am host of the
midlife makeover show podcastwhere we talk about all things
midlife. And as you know,there's a lot to talk about. Oh
yes. And author of the what thebook, women waking up, the
midlife manifesto for passion,purpose and play. It is my
little baby. I love her so much,so much work has been put into
(01:07):
this thing. Oh my gosh. So yeah,this book is part guidebook,
part playbook. It's a little bitof a memoir. So you get to hear
my story, how I went frombreakdown to breakthrough, and
it is jam packed full of toolsand techniques that you can
apply immediately in your life.
I was kind of after less fluffand more formula, because as you
(01:29):
go into the bookstore, ifanybody does it anymore, you go
to the Self Help section, whichI've read all of them, that's
actually my section, and I loveall those books, and they've
helped me tremendously. But onething I've noticed, like,
there's a lot of just fluff anda lot of sounds great, but how
do you actually do that actuallychange your life? So that was my
(01:53):
goal with this book, is toliterally put everything in
there that no matter whereyou're at in your life, if
you're lost or stuck or feelinga little invisible that happens
to us in our 40s and 50s, thatthere's plenty of methods in
there to help you get you tothat next level in your life.
Colette Fehr (02:12):
That's amazing, because action. We gotta get
into action to create change,and that is the missing piece a
lot of the time. So before weget into some of that.
Obviously, you guys, we're goingto want to read this book to get
the full breadth and scope ofthe tools, but your personal
story is amazing. So tell us alittle bit about that.
Wendy Valentine (02:32):
Ooh. Okay, let's go back. Let's see. About
seven years ago, so I'm 52 nowthat was I was 45 years old, and
I was going through divorce. Ihad about 150 grand in debt,
unemployed, the list goes on. Ihad black mold, toxicity, Lyme
(02:53):
disease. I was like, at the peakof my perimenopause, I didn't
even know it was calledperimenopause until I started
the show. I was like, there issuch a thing as perimenopause.
We
Colette Fehr (03:02):
learned that the hard way too. I know I
Wendy Valentine (03:03):
was like, Why didn't I tell me that? So within
a six week period, my dog died,my cat died, and then my brother
died. So like all the things wehear about that can happen in
midlife, it happened to me allat once, all at once, all at
once. Yes, needless to say, Ihad depression and anxiety and
(03:26):
panic attacks from fromwitnessing my brother's death.
So I was a hot, hot mess, notjust from the hot flashes. So I
came to this point was like theRobert Frost quote of you know,
two two paths diverged in awood, and I took the road less
traveled by. And I did, becauseI had to make that decision of
(03:49):
like, am I going to keepspiraling downward, or am I
going to rebuild my life fromthe ground up? And in some ways,
it was a great opportunity forme with the fact that everything
was completely deconstructed,because then I had a clean slate
in a weird way. And I was like,Okay, well, if everything went
to crap, then I can justcompletely rebuild. And I did.
(04:13):
And so I took the road lesstraveled, the road that would
lead me back to me, to my true,authentic self. And within a two
year period, I got therapy forthe panic attacks and the
depression. EMDR, yes, can wehear it for? EMDR, I love it.
Yes. Found this great therapistin Chicago. She's amazing. So I
(04:37):
worked on everything in my life,physically, mentally,
emotionally, spiritually,financially, and within that two
year period, I went from making$0 to a half a million dollars,
paid off all my debt. Wow. And Ihad always had this dream of
driving an RV across thecountry. And. And I thought, you
(05:01):
know, why don't I just make thishappen? Like, let's just go for
it. Wow, I did. I bought an RV,and I took off across the
country, and then I started themidlife makeover show podcast,
eventually writing the book.
Because at that time, I thought,all right, I looked back at the
last two years and I thought, ifI could do this, anybody can do
(05:23):
this. I mean, as much as my lifewas a mess, if I can do it, any
woman can do this, they canrebuild their life and create a
life that they love. So Icreated the freedom framework,
which ended up going into thebook. And,
Laura Bowman (05:41):
yeah, I just want to zoom in on this real quick,
because, like, I in therapy, youknow, I actually think that
there's a big term. Now, I don'tknow if you guys have heard it
on the internet, but it's like,crashing out. Have you heard
Wendy Valentine (05:55):
of this on love
Laura Bowman (05:57):
Island? They're like, Oh my god, so and so is
like crashing out in real time.
But I actually think that, like,crashing out is kind of like
what you're describing. Thisphase of your life can be like
such a huge blessing, because itdoes allow you this, like, you
get to bounce off the bottom ofthe swimming pool and kind of
have an opportunity to, like,rebuild everything. So it's sort
(06:17):
of like this it, you would neverask for it, but it's sort of
like this weird gift.
Wendy Valentine (06:24):
Yeah, I'm so glad you said that, yeah,
Laura Bowman (06:27):
but I want to zoom in on the years, those years
that it took you from like, ohmy god, I cannot believe that.
Like, my life is the hot mess.
Express to like, when you like,what were the things that made
you feel like you were emergingout of that.
Wendy Valentine (06:44):
The things that were, um, you know what I'm
gonna go with, the first thingthat popped into my mind, and it
was the very first time that Ifelt more connected to my
spirit, yeah, and as much as wewould love to ask chat GPT all
the questions about our lives,but really it's like that inner
(07:07):
chat guru, if you will. I had tohave start having those
difficult conversations withmyself. Yes, we've heard the
term of piss or get off the pot,right? I had to have that piss
or get off the pod conversationwith myself. Like, all right,
Wendy, it's go time. Like, nomore excuses. You have got to do
(07:29):
something to change your life.
And I thought too the next 50years, I did not want to repeat
that. I didn't want I wanted itto be different, and I knew the
only person that could changethat was me. I would love to
blame everyone and the past andthe crappy relationships and
even the black mold and the tickbite. You know what I mean?
(07:49):
Like, we could all blameeverything that's external, but
really it was up to me and I. Ihad to become my own best
friend. I had to start beingkinder to myself. Start loving
myself more. I always say that Igot a divorce and I married
myself. Yeah, the greatest giftever. And so, yeah, I mean, it
(08:09):
may, when you were talking aboutthe kind of like going down into
the pool and coming back up, itmade me think of the lotus,
which I actually talked about itin the book, and there's a term
called the Lotus effect. So thelotus, every night, sits in the
mud, it's cold and it's dark andit's yucky. And every morning,
(08:30):
when the sun rises, the Lotuscomes to the surface so it
reaches for the light. What'sreally cool, and this is the
Lotus effect, is that as itopens up, the water literally
removes all of the mud from itspetals, so you never see mud on
its petals, and then the sungoes down, and then the Lotus
(08:52):
goes back into the mud. And Iwas always fascinated by that,
and I related that to my life,and I thought, okay, I I need to
love my mud, you know, the muckof midlife, the divorce, the the
trauma, the death, the debt,everything, it's all mud. But
just like the lotus, it alsonourishes you, because the Lotus
(09:14):
feeds off of that mud, right?
And to always reach for thelight and to also not allow it
to take you down. Like, yes,it's part of you. It's it's that
mud is part of the lotus, all ofthat trauma and the drama is
part of me, but it's not, it'snot appearing on me. I don't
(09:36):
like walk throughout my daygoing, Look at me. I have all
this stuff going on. I mean,sometimes I have to tell my
story, but, but it doesn't weighme down. It's I show more of the
light and the the pretty whitepetals than I do my mud.
Laura Bowman (09:51):
I love that,
Colette Fehr (09:52):
right? But you embrace the messy parts, and it
sounds like you were able tostart changing your life. By
getting into a healthierrelationship with yourself and
accepting the difficult pieces,but then also not pushing
yourself from a place ofcriticism and pressure and fear,
(10:13):
but pushing yourself from aplace of self love and
encouragement and like, come onWendy, you've got this, and you
gotta get yourself, figurativelyoff the couch and into action,
or things aren't going tochange. I think that's sometimes
a struggle for people to haveperspective when we're in the
mud that right? It can feel sobad that we get pulled in and we
(10:36):
think we're sinking into theearth, when really it's part of
the grist for the mill.
Wendy Valentine (10:41):
Yeah, you have to ask yourself, What can I
learn from this? And you may notknow right away.
Unknown (10:46):
I mean, I've always, like, kind of slow to learn on
some of that stuff or
Wendy Valentine (10:50):
go through something. I'm like, I don't
know what's here, but there'ssomething I just know it, and
it'll hit me, like, out of theblue, maybe a year later, or two
years, two years later, but I'malways looking for it. There's
something there. So, yeah, itmakes you it is the dichotomy of
life, right? You wouldn't knowlight if you didn't know dark,
(11:10):
you wouldn't know joy, if youdidn't know sadness, if it was
happy all the time, then wewould be like, okay, you know
it's like the the story ofSiddhartha, of Buddha, right?
His his parents wanted toprotect him, so they kept him
inside the castle. Andeverything was happy and joyous
and wonderful all the time. Andthen one day, Siddhartha climbs
(11:35):
over the castle wall, and hesees a homeless person, and he
was miserable, and he was like,Wow. He's like, didn't, had
never even experienced anyemotions like that, yep. And
then he went back inside thecastle, and he missed that, that
holistic feeling of being ahuman and I think the one of the
(11:57):
things to really accept andunderstand and grasp that we're
human beings, being human we'rebuilt with, as you know, right,
19 plus main emotions, and toembrace them and love every
single one of them, even thedepress. I mean, anger serves a
purpose, right? Depressionserves a purpose, everything.
(12:20):
And if you just kind of learn toutilize those emotions to get
you to wherever you want to goin life, it's amazing. It's
amazing.
Laura Bowman (12:30):
It's interesting too. Is like, I think that these
these muddy moments, or thesethings like you're describing,
like divorce and dad and allthese things compel a person to
sort of grow. And I know what Isee as a therapist is women that
in my office that don't reallyneed to change. They're in
midlife, they're really stuck,they don't feel a sense of
(12:52):
purpose, but there's nothingcompelling
Unknown (12:55):
them. Crisis. There's no crisis. Yeah, and
Laura Bowman (12:59):
I mean, it shouldn't be that change should
always require crisis. Agreed,very often, it's like the thing
that helps you get to the nextlevel, because
Colette Fehr (13:09):
it's having everything fall apart. Yeah,
yes, sometimes people won'tgalvanize until something is
forcing you to however, what Ilove about what you're saying,
though, too. Is that okay? Everycrisis happened to you sort of
all at once, which in the momentcan't have felt good, right? We
can sit here and wax poeticabout embracing negative
(13:31):
emotions, right when they'repiling on. It is really, really
tough to have that perspective.
But what I love about whatyou're saying, and your point,
Laura, is that you know thisisn't unique to Wendy. You're
not the only person who can dothis, and you don't have to have
your life fall apart. And if youhave your life fall apart, you
(13:54):
can do this no matter who youare, whether everything's
burning to the ground aroundyou, or whether you're just sort
of stuck in on we that sort oflike midlife malaise, of like, I
don't really love what'shappening, but I don't know what
to do or where to get started.
So you we can have that life wewant and break our patterns, no
(14:18):
matter who we are what'shappening. And I really am
excited that you're givingpeople such actionable tools to
get there, because that's ourmotivation too, right? We can
all talk about this and haveanalysis paralysis. So as we get
into this, can you because Ithought this was really
interesting, the way youhighlight let's get into some of
(14:39):
the self limiting beliefs thatyou see, that we hear all the
time in our office, too, andwe've all struggled with
ourself. What are some of thelimiting beliefs that come up at
midlife that we've got to kindof work around? I
Wendy Valentine (14:51):
would have to say I'm too old, I'm not good
enough, I'm not smart enough.
This is my life now. Wow. Wa,wa. I mean, these are all. I
mean, they call it a limitingbelief, for a reason, right?
Because it limits you from beingwho you truly want to be. And by
the way, I love your sub stack.
(15:14):
On sub stack, and I posted onetoday about the Marianne
Williamson quote. It is my faithquote, and it is a quote that
literally helped to push me outof that mud. And the quote is,
our deepest fear is not that weare inadequate. Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyondmeasure. It is our light, not
(15:37):
our darkness, that mostfrightens us. And at the time
when I had this aha moment withthis quote, the Marian
Williamson quote, was like,staring at me from the wall. I
was living in the basementbecause my husband and I were
going through divorce, and Ivolunteered to be the one that
would live in the basement inthe dark cold. I was like, well,
(15:58):
gonna have a dark night of thesoul. Let's go all out. I was
trying to make the basement mylittle dungeon a little bit more
of like a sanctuary. So I hungup, you know, positive quotes on
the walls, and I had this pink,very uncomfortable but so
adorable, pink, fuchsia chairfrom Pier One. I miss Pier One,
(16:19):
and some days, like I would,literally, I would lay in bed
just bawl my eyes out feelingsorry for myself. And some days
I would make it from the bed tothe fuchsia chair, and I would
sit in that chair and I wouldstare at all of these quotes,
and I kept going back toMarianne quote, and for some
reason, it just kept drawing meback in. I'm like, why am I
(16:41):
obsessed with this quote? Idon't totally get it. I don't
totally agree with that. I waslike, a little pissed about it,
and then it finally hit me. Iwas like, oh, wait a second. It
is our light, not our darkness,that most frightens us. And I
asked myself the question,instead of chat GPT, because we
didn't have it back then, Iasked myself the question, what
(17:02):
if, Wendy, what if you fullystepped into your light? Like,
what? Great question. Yeah, andvery rare, like, we we can hang
on to that mud, and we can loveour dark. And sometimes the dark
is it's familiar. It's like, Oh,I know. I mean, it was
predictable for me. I know howto be depressed. I know how to
have anxiety. I know how to doall the things and to even
(17:24):
manipulate I was almost likegaslighting myself, if you will,
right? And then I thought, Okay,what if I fully stepped into my
life? And when I asked myselfthat question, I my stomach was
like, Oh, my God.
Laura Bowman (17:38):
That means a responsibility, right? It's a
big responsibility.
Wendy Valentine (17:41):
Wait a second, I have to follow through this
divorce. I have to get a job. Ihave to I have to start making
some money, I have to get somegood therapy. I have to do all
the things take responsibility.
Yeah, it was, and I thought, butwait a second, staying in the
dark, where's that going to getme staying in the basement,
(18:02):
right? Metaphorically orliterally? So I was like, No, we
it's time. It is time to stepinto the light, because I cannot
handle this anymore. Like it's,it was so heavy, but it's, you
know, I want to go back to whatyou were saying before about
it's proactive versus reactive,right, right? Because you either
(18:22):
are the ones serving the divorcepapers or putting in the
resignation letter to youremployer, or you're the one
getting served with the divorcepapers or right or or getting
fired. So it's either proactiveversus reactive, and I think
that's the key, is to stay aheadin your life as much as you
possibly can. As you know, wecan't avoid shit that happens in
(18:44):
life. You can't avoid deathsthat occur. You can't avoid
career changes and body changes.
Sometimes like you can't avoid alot of this stuff, but it's how
you deal with it, how you getback up and do as much as you
can proactively with yourselfand your heart and your soul and
(19:06):
taking care of yourself, themore that you can take care of
yourself. You can handleanything that comes your way.
You really can't.
Laura Bowman (19:13):
Yeah, yeah. I agree with that,
Colette Fehr (19:16):
right? And I think that's the hard thing, is that
when we're feeling the heavy,and I'm glad you talked about
that, how heavy it felt thatsome days you couldn't even get
out of bed. You lay there andcried, because that's real.
That's what it feels like whenwe are in the dark place,
literally and metaphorically, itcan feel absolutely overwhelming
and paralyzing, but there isalways a way through, and it
(19:39):
starts with getting intoconnection with yourself and
getting into action reallytaking an honest appraisal of
what's the situation. Am I goingto sit here and continue to suck
my thumb and see myself as avictim, or am I going to say,
Okay, this sucks, and now, whatam I going to do to turn my life
around? Yeah. You have to saveyourself, right? No one else is
(20:02):
coming
Laura Bowman (20:03):
when, when you're in that downward spiral, though
it can feel so hard to take careof yourself, I just want to
normalize that. Like when you'rein that dark place, I think
those bad habits really comeroaring out. And so it's like
that whole like, take care ofyourself. It's you're so anxiety
ridden. Oftentimes, it's hard todo anything to Care for Self,
(20:23):
except for, like, survive. You
Wendy Valentine (20:25):
know what I do now, though, like, and I still
have shitty days and shittyafternoons and a crappy week,
maybe not even crappy weekanymore, but I'll give I'm like,
All right, girl, I'm gonna giveyou an hour and you're gonna lay
on that bed and ball your eyesout and feel sorry for yourself,
and then you're done. I lovethat, yeah, and then I also give
(20:47):
myself Grace like we do not. Imean, as women, we are such
great caretakers, and we're soloving and we're so sweet, but
for ourselves like we don't giveourselves that grace and that
and that credit, and it's okayto have a shitty day. It's okay
Colette Fehr (21:04):
and you're gonna have a shitty day, no matter how
bad our life is or how bad,yeah, yeah,
Wendy Valentine (21:09):
yeah, it's and sometimes you're just in a bad
mood. I mean, I've stoppedevaluating everything, because I
used to them like, something'swrong. Oh my god. What is it?
And I would like, analyze mywhole life. I'm like, Man, I'm
Unknown (21:21):
just like, right?
Sometimes
Colette Fehr (21:23):
it's just a hard day. And I know, and I we see
this in therapy all the timethat, you know, some days the
same things feel so heavy andawful. I'll wake up the next
day. Nothing's changed. But Ijust don't feel as down about
it, or it just my perspectivehas shifted. I mean, so much of
it is what's happening in yournervous system. So the more we
(21:44):
can just embrace that. Sometimesit's gonna feel like a lot of
Yuck, and sometimes it's gonnafeel like a lot of hope, and
move with that. Then we don'tget stuck in making meaning that
brings us down farther. We canjust move through difficult
emotion.
Wendy Valentine (22:02):
Yeah, you're so right. And I always think of
emotions as energy in motion,right? Emotions, they flow
through you. They're notsupposed to stay stuck. So just
allow them to, like, do whateverit's gonna do, and then move its
way out. And you just gotta youhave to move on. You have to
give yourself permission to moveon. It's hard for people, yeah,
Unknown (22:24):
but it's doable, but it's 100%
Laura Bowman (22:27):
so Wendy, start taking us into some of these
tools that you have. Like, whatis this? Like, Freedom method,
and how do you use this withwomen?
Wendy Valentine (22:37):
So freedom and literally, they are these seven
steps that I took to take mefrom like point A of angst to
point B of bliss. And f is freeyourself. And that's a lot about
just gaining clarity on whereyou're at now and where you want
to go and becoming your own bestfriend, and then r is reset your
(23:03):
life. A lot of that is droppingthe baggage. And if you were
like me, by the time I got tomid 40s, I had probably a U haul
truck full of baggage that I wascarrying around. So a lot of
that is just allowing, again,allowing yourself to drop that
baggage. You don't have to carryit. You don't have to carry
everyone else's baggage either,and hitting that reset button as
(23:27):
you step into your next chapteras a new woman. And this is
probably, I think, the secondstep is my favorite, because a
lot of it is about designing anew woman. And if you think of
think of like a drone, if youhad a drone that was following
you around all throughout theday as you got up in the morning
(23:49):
and observing what you werethinking, what you were doing,
how you were eating. Were yourushing around? Did you stop to
meditate? Did you stop to get abreath of fresh air? How are you
dealing with people? How do youwalk into a room, everything
that you do and like, literallydesigning this woman, how you
really want her to actthroughout her day, and then
(24:12):
every single morning, when youwake up, you slip into the shoes
of that new woman. Andeventually you become her, which
is pretty cool, which is exactlywhat I did. And I'll never
forget this my Aunt Annie, 92years old, that poor thing, the
greatest sounding board on theplanet, even my own therapist,
was like, Thank God for AuntAnnie, but she told me. She
(24:34):
said, Darling. She's like,you've always wanted to be an
actress. She said, why don't youjust act like the woman you want
to become. Like, that's genius.
So I did, I mean literally,like, okay, strong. I want to be
healthy. This is, this is how ahealthy Wendy eats. This is how
she thinks all of that. So yes,I would say the second step. Is
(24:58):
probably the most critical ofthem all. E is envision a new
future that is a lot aboutcreating your dream life, from
your home to your health to yourhappiness, and then reverse
engineering that dream intoreality. And as we all know,
it's, we are 99% energy, only atiny bit of matter. And if we
(25:24):
concentrate more on that energyand we dream what we want to see
happen, like it's alreadyhappened. Yeah, it will happen.
I mean, that's how I manifestedthe RV and did all the things so
it's, it can happen. E, the nextE is embrace and explore. And
that is dropping theperfectionism and just embracing
(25:45):
who you are, where, where you'reat right now in your life, and
even all of the challenges youmight occur as you move forward,
right? I mean, I am a recoverHi. My name is Wendy. I'm a
recovering perfectionist. Imean, what is it? Approval,
seeking, codependency. I had allof those labels, and I had to
(26:09):
peel those labels off becausethey weren't serving me anymore.
Yeah, and I looked back at mylife, and the reason I put those
labels on me is it was a way tosurvive. It was a way for the
little Wendy to not getabandoned anymore, to feel safe
and secure, even though deepdown, I wasn't. So it's removing
(26:29):
those labels so that you canreally just be your true,
authentic self without apologyat all. Right. Dee is detached
from tomorrow. This is all aboutbeing present, going with the
flow, allowing life to justunfold. However, because it is
right, it's going to unfold.
It's going to do what it's goingto do anyway, do its thing. O is
(26:53):
probably my favorite. O is Oyour better self. This is about
setting healthy boundaries,creating more self worth, and I
mean owning who you are. Becauselike you're going to go through
the trouble of designing thisnew woman, you've got to protect
her. You got to take care ofher. And finally, M is master
yourself. This is all aboutwashing, rinsing, repeating the
(27:17):
same steps, because we don'tjust evolve, and then you stop,
you continue to evolve as youmove forward in your life. So
you're
Colette Fehr (27:27):
taking people through in the book and in your
work with people, you're takingpeople through the same steps
you have walked through. Youknow they work. You've been
through them. And I love thatyou rely so much on the mindset
and the energy, because itreally is possible to create
whatever you want for yourself.
That's where those limitingbeliefs come in. Is people think
(27:49):
it's not true when thoselimiting beliefs are occluding
your perspective, but it reallyis true, so you're giving people
a way to dig out and see thatwhatever you want is possible.
Wendy Valentine (28:03):
Yeah, I think we sometimes will, and I was, I
will use those as an excuse tonot, to not move into that
light, right? I agree. And, youknow, I've had people even ask
in interviews, have you alwaysbeen so bold? Have you always
been so courageous? I'm like,No, but we're all courageous.
(28:24):
We're just courageous indifferent ways and in different
phases in our life. I mean,going back to that story of
being in the basement bawling myeyes out, you know, every single
day being bold sometimes wasliterally moving to the fuchsia
chair. That was a bold move forme, and then taking
Colette Fehr (28:40):
care of yourself that day, right? Like that. It's
going to look different.
Wendy Valentine (28:45):
We don't have to, you know, Rome wasn't built
in a day, and neither will thenew you. So you don't have to do
it all overnight. Just takelittle mini steps, and
eventually you'll take biggersteps and bigger steps and
bigger steps, but, but it's ait's a process. It's not
anything that's done. So if youdon't, I mean, that's why New
Year's resolutions fail so manytimes, because people try to do
(29:08):
too much too soon, and thenthey're like, Oh, I suck. I
can't do this. Like, yes, youcan just little by little by
little.
Colette Fehr (29:15):
Yeah. And in fact, what we know from the science of
change is that even when wethink we're taking off a very
small chunk. We usually have toslice it about 10 times thinner
than we think we do. You know,like doing two push ups in order
to build a habit of doing pushups, not every day I'm going to
get up and do 100 push ups.
That's not small. Small means alittle teeny. Maybe one day all
(29:38):
you do is get out of bed andinto the fuchsia chair.
Wendy Valentine (29:44):
I think one of the things that happens in your
40s and 50s is that the rules,the roles, the expectations, are
changing. Yep, and you have tokind of take a step back and
look at that like, what is myrole now? What and what are the
rules? And do I believe in thoserules? Do I. Yeah, what are my
roles like? What are my values?
Who do I want to be? And youdon't. What's cool though, too,
(30:06):
is that you don't have to changeall areas of your life. You can
just pick one area, you focus onthat one area. And what's
amazing is that as you changeone part of your life, like the
rest of the area has changedtoo. It just spills over. So you
don't have to try to totallyreinvent yourself. I had a lady
(30:26):
that a student that was in myclass this past year, and she
was someone that was like, Idon't have, like, a whole lot to
change, but she just felt likethere was something missing.
Yeah, something else. And, youknow, she was, she was in her
50s and, and all, the main thingthat she got out of the whole
(30:47):
course was that just for her toget out and play a little bit
more, yeah, take that, take anart class, and to think outside
the box a little bit, and she'slike, Oh my god, I'm finding
things that I actually like todo. I mean, she had a good
marriage. She loved her job, andall of those things were good.
She was healthy, but she justwanted there was something
missing. And it was she had tofind that thing, but she found
(31:09):
it. It was just plain, a littlebit more so, yeah, not all of us
have to have a total revamp
Laura Bowman (31:17):
and and action creates more action, right? Like
you begin we all, we call it theactive dabble here, where you
just start dabbling in things,and all of a sudden you find
what, like speaks to you. ButI'm just curious how you go
from, like, taking the leap todoing the RV because that's like
a really big independent move,like, talk to us a little bit
(31:42):
about that. Well,
Wendy Valentine (31:44):
I sold everything, by the way, so that
was, that was a huge leave. I'mgoing from, you know, a 5000
square foot house down to 150square feet.
Colette Fehr (31:56):
I think that's amazing. Though, I actually feel
envy inside of me when I hearthat like I love the idea of
shedding,
Wendy Valentine (32:03):
yes, yeah. And, you know, I was decluttering all
areas of my life. You thinkabout my relationships, for
changing the my decluttering, mymind, my beliefs, everything,
but it was all it was all babysteps. I again. I couldn't have
done it, you know, overnight,and I just, I just kept tuning
(32:24):
in with myself. I just kepttuning in to, all right, Wendy,
what's next? What's the nextmove? Like, let's, let's take
care of this. And then we go onand we keep going to the next
layer, the next layer. So, Idon't know, I just kept, for the
first time in my life, Iactually listened to myself,
yeah, and what I wanted and whatwould bring in. I didn't. I
didn't know how to drive an RV.
I didn't know how to operate anRV. I didn't know how to
Laura Bowman (32:49):
run a podcast. No,
Wendy Valentine (32:53):
right now is anybody know our raw podcast?
But the another quote thatreally motivated me during that
time was leap and the net willappear, yeah, and I just kept
leaping, and the net is, is you?
You are the net. You will catchyourself. And again, as
recovering perfectionist, I usedto not even make a move until I
(33:16):
had everything figured out. Imean it. I think in some ways, I
wanted to start a podcast, youknow, 10 years ago, but I didn't
have the lighting right, or thewall would look a little weird,
or, Oh, I was off center. Imean, literally, just like, oh
my god,
Unknown (33:36):
yeah,
Wendy Valentine (33:36):
yeah. And now I
Colette Fehr (33:38):
just let it be let it be messy. Let it be messy. I
think that's one of the biggestthings I learned in life, too,
is that you've got to just, I'venever heard the quote, leap and
the net will appear. Is thatwhat it is? But I love that. I
think that is how you have tolive. And sometimes you are
going to fall with a bit of athud. I mean, we can't pretend
(33:59):
that's not true, like failure ispart of the process, and it's
what we learn most from. But themore you leave and realize, most
of the time, you catch yourself,you figure it out, and even when
you fall, you're able to getback up, wiser and better and
land next time. That's the onlyway. And you've gotten where you
are by doing it the oppositeway. Just go for it. Figure it
(34:23):
the fuck out as you go. Yeah, Ilove
Wendy Valentine (34:26):
that. You said that because, did you ever see
the George Costanza episodewhere he did opposite day? No,
but I've heard people
Colette Fehr (34:33):
talk about this, but explain it a little, because
I never actually watched,
Wendy Valentine (34:37):
yeah, that was one of the, one of the things
that popped in my mind duringthat time. I was like, no, what
if I just had a George Costanzaday life chapter or whatever.
And basically, in the episode,he was like, you know,
everything else hasn't turnedout the way it's supposed to.
What if I just do the opposite,you know, like, sort of chicken.
I'm gonna order tuna. Like hejust kept doing everything. I.
(35:00):
Opposite, and that's what I did.
I was like, You know what? That,instead of feeling like, Oh, I
got to call this person back.
What if I don't call them back,you know, or anything, I just
Colette Fehr (35:09):
did the opposite of what the woman I was used to
do and did what this new womanI'm becoming would do back. What
might happen? Yeah,
Wendy Valentine (35:18):
I think we're, we're trained to, like with all
of these goals and everythingelse, these plans, having our
planners, which I have one too,but I think we focus too much on
the what and the when and thewhere and the why and the how,
instead of the who I'm like,What about the who isn't that
the most important? Because ifyou design the woman that you
(35:40):
want to be. She'll do thethings. Yep, she will take that
leap, she will buy that RV, shewill write that book, or start
the podcast. She will do thosethings. And it's like, it's an
easier way to go about it,rather than like, Okay, I gotta
get up and I gotta go, check,check,
Laura Bowman (35:58):
check, yeah. And it's also the idea that, like,
when you achieve something,you're going to feel a certain
way, rather than like just beingpresent on the whole journey.
And that journey is you becomingthis woman you want to be, and
so like every day can feel good,as opposed to when I get this
one thing happening, I'llfinally feel validated in my
life. It's like a totallydifferent perspective, you
Wendy Valentine (36:22):
know? And I would, I would say that the two
greatest things I did, thegreatest habits I created during
that time, was meditation andjournaling. Those two things
were, those are the winner,winner. Chicken dinners agreed
every single morning, just aboutand I learned how to meditate
(36:43):
that would work for me, becauseI used to go to the Deepak
Chopra retreats, and they wouldsit in silence for like over an
hour, and I would just die. Iwas like, but then I started
doing guided meditations, andthose changed so much for me to
where I really loved meditation,and then I could see the results
(37:06):
happening in my life, in mostimportantly within me, I was
calmer. Things were the limitingbeliefs were starting to just
kind of disappear without melike trying to get them to
change,
Laura Bowman (37:18):
but you're describing habits that tune you
into yourself, right? Yeah,exactly. Those are, like, you
going inside, yep, that's thething that begins to clear it
away. And it's the shift that alot of people, especially when
they're in a frenzied state,have a really hard time doing.
They're going outside. They'relike, what do you think I should
do? What should I do here? Andyou gotta get that relationship
(37:39):
with self going, Yeah,
Wendy Valentine (37:42):
too. Like, if you know, if you're, if you're
someone out there listening thatyou're really, really
struggling, like the shit hashit the fan, and you just want
to scream, and just like, oh mygod, there are ways, little
ways, that you can just helpyourself feel better. And
sometimes it's simply, I know itsounds corny, but just taking a
(38:04):
walk in the park, sitting andreading a book, drinking some
tea, hanging out with friends,and I, I was the worst at even
though I don't know I didn't, Ihad a hard time, like calling my
friends and going, I'm reallystruggling. But they sensed it,
so they would come like, I'mtaking out to lunch. So even if
it's just calling a friend andsaying, I need to, I just need
(38:27):
to sit and have coffee, youknow, anything. But you try to
find little ways to help youfeel a little bit better each
day, and eventually you get outof it. But again, you have to
pull yourself out of it, but
Colette Fehr (38:41):
I'm so glad you said that, because you're right.
It is we're talking about bigtransformations, and also on a
day to day basis, when the shitreally hits the fan, it is doing
these little things that justare self loving and make you
feel even a tiny bit better inthe midst of the hardship,
(39:01):
whereas, like you said, Laura, alot of times when we're in
crisis, we're grasping for oldcoping mechanisms that are
maladaptive or unhealthy, right?
Like when I was going through mydivorce. It's 20 years ago, but
I started, I hadn't smoked acigarette in seven years, and I
started chain smoking again. Andyou know, I started going from
having one glass of wineoccasionally to having three on
my back porch with a pack ofcigarettes. And then I'm like,
(39:24):
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm copinggreat. I don't need help. Like,
what the fuck Right? Right?
Yeah, I'm fine. I don't need,like, medication. I'm not
depressed, I'm not anxious. Areyou out of your mind? Those
things don't happen to me. I cando anything. I'm strong, right?
(39:44):
So it's like, you're not you'reme. I was making meaning at that
time, in a way, and going backto, like, old, younger versions
of Colette and how she coped,like how I coped when my parents
got divorced as a teenager. You.
Instead of saying, Okay, this isnow, and yes, I'm an adult, but
this is really hard. So what canI do that's self loving and
(40:05):
makes me feel better? And is itreally three glasses of wine and
a pack of cigarettes? No, it'snot. And that's how I began to
emerge,
Wendy Valentine (40:16):
yes, and I would have say too, with
meditation, one of the things Ilearned was it wasn't some
you're not trying to stop yourthoughts because some people,
like, I can't stop thinking.
You're not supposed to stopthinking, right? You're just
observing. You're just watchingthese thoughts go by, like, it's
a ticker tape, you know, on CNN,right? You're like, you're just,
you're just watching. You'rejust checking out the news. Are
(40:36):
you you got bad news comingacross? You got good news coming
across, whatever it is, right?
But then also, too, withmeditation, and this is
something I learned from Dr JoeDispenza with neuroplasticity
neuroscience. It's crazy tothink that they didn't figure
this out until maybe what, 35years ago, that we can actually
(40:57):
rewire our brain. Fascinating.
But once I learned that, I waslike, oh, so I'm not stuck with
all of these beliefs and all ofthese thoughts that I have that
keep going on repeat. I canactually change that. So with
meditation, what's amazing isthat if you have a neural
pathway that has always believedI'm not good enough, I'm not
(41:21):
smart enough. You can literallychange that neural pathway. That
pathway will just disappear, andyou create a new one that
believes that you're amazing andyou're a genius and you're
awesome, and that that is thepoint of meditation, is to
literally change your brain andchange your life. That
Colette Fehr (41:42):
practice, in and of itself, if I could get
everyone who comes in here forcouples therapy to adopt a short
daily mindfulness meditationpractice that is the fastest and
best way to fire me and not needto come in here and spend your
time and money. That's true forall for all ailments, but it's
it's sometimes a tough sell,because it's not a quick fix.
(42:06):
It's something that you have todo, and then it takes time to
feel the rewiring of the brain.
But I think we're all sayinghere, do it. It's worth it. It's
a game changer,
Wendy Valentine (42:18):
because, as we know, like the the panic attacks
and anxiety and the depressionsometimes, like, it can get
stuck and until you can and whatworks for one person doesn't
work for another. So you haveto, yeah, you just have to
figure out, like, try all sortsof different methods and
techniques, no matter who it isor what it is, just try
(42:39):
different things to get thatunstuck. So just to break
yourself free and see what worksfor you. Point is like, do
anything you possibly can torecover from the trauma and the
drama, and it's just becauseyou're worth it. I mean, we're
all worth it to just move pastthis. Because
Laura Bowman (42:58):
when I hear you saying, Wendy, like that first
step is, like, you've got togive yourself the permission to
change and like that, to grow,and that these things will
appear on your path. Thesethings will get dropped down,
and you will you, if you chooseto follow it, it will take you
somewhere new. Yeah, first,yeah. A lot of people think they
(43:20):
know what they need, or theythink they know what'll help.
And it's like be open yourselfup to possibility.
Wendy Valentine (43:26):
I know, yeah, trust you. Trust yourself. I
think this is a lot of in thisstage in life, especially we
have to we're so used to havingto take care of kids and our
partners and our parents andfriends, and this is your time
to take care of yourself and andyou you just do anything you
(43:46):
possibly can to just to loveyourself more.
Colette Fehr (43:50):
What a beautiful sentiment to end on. I think
that's perfect. And your book isamazing. I think our listeners
gonna are gonna love it. Soremind everyone about your book,
where they can find it, and howthey can find you and work with
you. All that good stuff.
Wendy Valentine (44:06):
Thank you. So main place is Wendy
valentine.com you can actuallyget the book there. I don't know
when this episode is coming out,but the book comes out September
9. If you order before, thenthere's like, over $500 in pre
order bonuses, and I'm onInstagram, Facebook, and sub
stack is my new my new hangout.
Colette Fehr (44:26):
Yes, I have your sub stack in my inbox to read
today.
Wendy Valentine (44:31):
Yeah, well, you already know about it. It's the
basement.
Colette Fehr (44:35):
And the Marianne Williams have no but it's great.
It's great stuff. So thank youso much for being here. Wendy,
yes, everyone go grab a copy ofwomen waking up. It's what we
all need to make this stage oflife the best it can be. And
we're so grateful for you forbeing here. We hope you got some
insights from our couch today,and we'll see you next time.
(44:57):
Bye, guys. You.
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