September 24, 2025 • 49 mins
Hey there, friends! In this episode, we sit down with our fabulous returning guest, Dr. Juliana Hauser, to talk about her powerful new book, A New Position on Sex. Trust us when we say, this conversation is one you do not want to miss. Whether you're feeling disconnected from your sexual self, stuck in old beliefs, or just plain exhausted, Dr. Juliana offers an entirely new—and deeply empowering—way to approach sexuality in midlife.
We dig into everything from sensuality and sexual agency to what it means to feel vibrant, connected, and alive again—on your own terms. You’ll hear real talk (and plenty of laughs) about shame, societal expectations, pleasure beyond the bedroom, and why embracing your sexuality is not about performing for others. If you've ever felt like sex was just one more to-do item or wondered what it means to be a sexual being when you're just plain tired, this episode is a beautiful, validating starting point.
Episode Highlights:
[0:41] - Welcoming back Dr. Juliana and diving into her new book on sexual agency
[2:23] - Why sexuality looks different for every woman—and changes with life
[6:12] - The “quiet part out loud”: What women really feel about sex at midlife
[7:04] - How shame and comparison hold us back from sexual freedom
[10:52] - Pajamas, books, and sensuality: reframing what it means to be sexual
[12:27] - The crushing mental load that zaps our energy—and our libido
[15:07] - What’s the real point of sex? Dr. Juliana challenges us to find our “why”
[17:09] - Sexual energy as power, fuel, and a path to aliveness
[21:13] - From invisible to vibrant: reclaiming visibility through sexual self-connection
[27:38] - Dismantling the performance myth: what you want matters
[33:09] - What is pegging? (Yes, we went there—and learned a thing or two)
[36:19] - Exploring new sexual pathways with creativity and curiosity
[40:22] - The power of safety, self-trust, and saying no with confidence
[44:24] - Time is now: why midlife is the moment to claim your sexual agency
[46:59] - Where to find Dr. Juliana, her book, and how to start your journey
Links and Resources:
Dr. Juliana’s Website: https://dr-juliana.com/
The Revealed Lift: https://therevealedlife.com/
Dr. Juliana’s book: A New Position on Sex https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OoHcmzMbKAImZG501v6l1cNM_DCOKv19/view?usp=drive_link
If today's discussion resonated with you or sparked curiosity, please rate, follow, and share "Insights from the Couch" with others. Your support helps us reach more people and continue providing valuable insights. Here’s to finding our purposes and living a life full of meaning and joy. Stay tuned for more!
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Colette Fehr (00:03):
Marc, welcome to insights from the couch, where
real conversations meet real
Laura Bowman (00:07):
life. At midlife, we're Colette and Laura, two
therapists and best friends,walking through the journey
right alongside you, whetheryou're feeling stuck, restless
or just unsure of what's next.
This is a space for honestconversations, messy truths and
meaningful change.
Colette Fehr (00:26):
And our midlife master class is now open. If
you're looking to level up, getinto action and make midlife the
best season yet. Go to insightsfrom the couch.org and join our
wait list. Now, let's dive in.
Okay, we're here today with DrJulianna Houser, our friend who
(00:47):
we love so much. We're so happyto have you back. And today
we're going to be talking aboutyour new book that's just coming
out now, a new position on sexand how it pertains to our
journey at midlife as sexualbeings, as women. Let's dive
right into it. Welcome back.
Thank you. I'm so happy to beback. We're so happy to have
(01:07):
you. So tell our many of ourlisteners might have heard your
last episode, Laura, did you seewhat numbers? It's episode 37
it's yucks, yums. And yesplease. Great
Laura Bowman (01:22):
episode. Was so
Colette Fehr (01:23):
good that was, like, one of the most fun
episodes we've ever recorded. Soif you haven't heard it, go back
and listen to that one too. AndI want to get just kind of have
you reintroduce ourselves to ouraudience, in case they haven't
met you yet.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (01:39):
Yes. So I by by trade. I am a therapist, a
marriage and family therapist,and licensed professional
counsel also, and I am a sexeducator, sex therapist, and so
I fall into both worlds and anddo work. Some of my work is
truly just focused on sexualhealth and wellness, and others
is solely on mental health. Andthere's lots of overlap between
(02:02):
the two. Yeah, two.
Colette Fehr (02:03):
Yeah. So you have all the pieces to really tackle
this issue. So tell us a littlebit about we were chatting
before we got on here, a littlebit about what's really relevant
for women, particularly at thisstage, at midlife, about our
sexual journey and our ownpersonal evolution as women.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (02:23):
So a little like backing up a bit the book
that that you mentioned issomething that I've been working
on and researching for 20 years,and one of the things that felt
really important to me was thatit was, it was a framework that
no matter what your age, nomatter who you were, no matter
what your background was, any ofyour details that this framework
(02:46):
was something that would fit foryou and fit for someone who was
sitting next to you. That wascompletely different. When I
think back on I was 30 yearsold, when I started this
research and started looking atsexuality, and I thought I was
just so big and grown up, and Iknew everything. And I looked
back and like, Oh, you were ababy. You were just a baby in
(03:06):
this and and I also think, wow,I would have never predicted a
lot of what happened in these 20years in my life, and a lot of
what what has happened in theworld, culturally, and who we
are a sexual being, andparticularly who we are as
women. I never thought that,when I would be talking about
(03:27):
this book, that there'd be somuch happening in the world and
and I also go out and thinkNever did I hear perimenopause
or menopause in any of mytraining 20 years ago. I know
it's still not even a part ofour education. Now, for those
who are becoming therapists aswell as sexuality, and I know
we've talked about thatpreviously, that we don't have
(03:48):
to have training in sexuality tobecome a therapist in most
states and in most of ourdisciplines in the mental health
world, which is just crazy in alot of ways. So this book is
it's really for all of us, and Idid a lot of work over these 20
years to test it and to workwith people and and what I found
(04:09):
for women who are going throughthis framework, and the
framework is really figuring outwho you are as a sexual being
through the lens of agency. Soit is not a book that is
prescriptive and saying, what isthe right sexuality? What is the
wrong sexuality? And it's notsex tips. I love those things,
but that's I don't love thattelling you what to do part, but
(04:29):
I love i But what I want is, Iwant this to be and I think
particularly for me, and I gothrough the framework myself
every couple of years when I'vedone it recently, I realized, as
in a woman, I'm 53 that it feelsmore important than ever to be
doing things on my terms and andto be revisiting what is right
(04:52):
for me as who I am as a sexualbeing, and the details, and I
call them intersections in thebook that. The intersections of
relationships or lifeexperiences or phase of life, is
really different. And it it evenis different from a year ago, as
I've told you about before, ayear ago, I had a hysterectomy.
So if I had done this frameworkbefore my surgery, it would have
(05:14):
been very different than it isnow. And and to me, I feel like
that's the beauty of the work ofthis book is I want women at
this age to look at theframework of holistic sexuality
as a place of hope and as aplace of I get to decide what I
want and who I am, and as wesaid before, our yeses and nos,
(05:38):
our yucks and our youngs on ourown terms, and that the
framework is there for you tonot feel alone, to have a
guidance, but almost like adoula, instead of someone that's
telling you what to do, but alsonot leaving it on your own, so
that you don't have paralysis bychoice you because that's a lot
of what I hear from women is Idon't know where to begin. I
(05:59):
like what you're saying, like,it resonates. I want to do
sexuality on my own terms. Butwhat does that mean? Yeah, and,
and, honestly, what are myoptions? Yeah, and this, this
book, and the framework in thebook is part of that.
Laura Bowman (06:12):
So I love this, but I want to just say, like,
the quiet part out loud what Ihear from women at midlife, and
everyone's different, like,everyone's range of sexual how
in touch they are with their ownsexual being is vastly
different. But the refrain Ihear a lot is, oh my god, I just
(06:34):
want to crawl into bed at like,eight o'clock be left the hell
alone with my book. I like, haveyou know, maybe there's like,
moments where I feel sexual,maybe that opens up
occasionally, but for the mostpart, it's really not front of
mind. And I mean, tell me why.
For that type of woman, which Ihear a lot, how does your
(06:55):
framework speak to that woman,and how can she gets something
out of what you're writing aboutin this book. Yeah,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (07:04):
and I love that phrasing, speaking, the
quiet, that's that was reallywell, real stated, I and because
also when you, when you said itthat way, it really does speak
to the shame, also that happensthat it's, it is, it almost
feels like a confession thatwhen women are sharing, like, I
really don't want this is like Ifeel okay with this being it,
(07:27):
but is it okay, and is it okaythat I'm in my pajamas, or what
are they gonna be the sideeffects? Or should I be feeling
something different? And so thethe beginning of it for me is
shame reduction is so importantto know who you are as a sexual
being, and you have to to try torelease yourself of comparison,
particularly you of your olderself or your former self and and
(07:52):
other peers. And then. And then,it gets tricky when you have a
partner that if your sexuality,where you wanting to be, doesn't
match with what your partner iswanting and where
Colette Fehr (08:02):
what I say, yeah, that's my office, yeah,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (08:06):
yeah. And it I, you know, in the couples work
that I do too, it has to startindividually to really
understand, so that you knowwhat you're offering yourself
first and then to your partner.
But life doesn't happen in avacuum. So what do you do when
you want to be in your pajamasand be left alone and read your
book and you actually are happy,that's that's not Yum, but the
(08:27):
world tells me that's not a Yum,or my partner says that's not a
yum. Exactly underneath that iswe are told and we're taught
this because our sex educationis horrific, that if you are a
sexual person, you are havingsex, and if you are not having
sex, you are not a sexualperson. I'm so glad you said
that. Yeah, that's not thatdoesn't resonate with me. It
(08:50):
doesn't resonate with the workand the studies and the research
that I've done. So thisframework, I think, provides a
lot of healing for thatsentiment that you don't have to
be involved in sexual acts. Inorder to be a sexual person, you
have to be breathing. And ifyou're breathing, you are
inherently, by birth, right, asexual person. And and I when,
(09:12):
when I work with people who aresaying that, I think oftentimes
it is, it's a relief thattalking to me isn't going to be
a pressure to be involved in sexacts. And when the pressure is
taken off, and the judgment isis removed, and we named the
shame of associated and judgmentassociated with that, then I
(09:32):
think, okay, so, so let's reworkand reframe what it means to be
a sexual person, yeah, and let'sunlearn what we've been taught
horrifically in our sex ed, orthe sex ed that we didn't get.
And let me tell you what I thinkthis is, what I think a holistic
sexual being is. And Iintroduced the nine pillars, and
the first one is sensuality. Andwe talked about this previously,
(09:55):
and I've just found that to be areal place of. Of a really
beautiful entry point and and soif you're sitting there in the
most comfy pajamas, then you arebeing a sensual person, which is
sexual through your sensuality.
If you are loving your book,you're making choice by agency.
(10:16):
It's you're having a yum andpleasure filled so you are a
sexual being who's involving thepleasure in that, and I like to
to ride off of the pleasure andthe yeses and the things that
are feeling naturally yummy toyou and and then we go through
the other parts, and it involvessex acts. And we'll talk about
(10:38):
so is there any place that youdo feel like a sex act with
yourself or with your partner isa young Right? And, and there's
a reason why it's halfwaythrough the pillars, because
it's not where we should start,
Colette Fehr (10:52):
right, starting with the sensuality so and also,
you know, as I'm listening toyou talk about this, and Laura
your question, because I hearthe same thing, and I go through
some of that. I mean, I thinkthere's a couple of different
pieces for women that if we'rewilling to go on a journey of
exploring and just beingcurious, without pressure and
(11:13):
without shame, about what lightsus up, what makes us feel good,
where we find our sexual energy,and whatever that looks like.
Yeah, I think there's the womangetting in bed and her pajamas,
wanting to be left alone, whofeels like, you know, I still
feel sexual, but I don't reallywant to be sexual with my
partner, and that's a verydifficult bridge to cross,
(11:36):
because there's something goingon in the relationship that's
interfered with attraction tothat person, but maybe not
necessarily any everyone else.
So she's shut down in that waybecause she doesn't really want
to be physical with her partner.
And I hear that from a lot ofwomen, you know, people in long
term marriages for a variety ofreasons, disconnection and more.
(12:00):
Then I think there are peoplewho are women who are so
overloaded by the mental load,the the emotional toll being in
the sandwich generation. Manywomen at midlife today have
young children, children in highschool, children younger than
high school. There are women intheir 40s with kids who are 236,
(12:21):
years old, they have agingparents.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (12:24):
Yeah, my right, right? 11 year old,
right?
Colette Fehr (12:27):
They're they're taking care of aging parents.
They're working demanding jobs.
They're raising children. Theyfeel like they're still doing
the lion's share of the socialand emotional labor at home. So
by eight o'clock, it's likeeveryone can fuck off. I am
dead. I
Unknown (12:45):
read my bio,
Colette Fehr (12:47):
right, right? My sexual energy, it's in there.
But I am so tired, I don't evenhave time to connect to that.
And then I think there are thewomen who maybe that's not
what's going on. They just don'tfeel particularly sexual.
They're at that phase of life,perimenopause or menopause,
where the libido is lowered.
They feel very content to justread the book, whether they're
(13:10):
tired or not. And sometimes Ifall into that, like it's just a
delicious pleasure. So I thinkthere's a couple of different
pieces to what can contribute tothis, but I see a lot of women
going through forget even thehormonal stuff, I've kind of
shut myself off sexually,because I feel like I have to,
like maybe my marriage, or mypartnership isn't that great, or
(13:32):
I'm single, and I don't I'mdating, and when I date, I feel
like I'm put Through theemotional ringer. And these men
or women or people out there Idate like don't feel safe, and
so it's just easier not to wantand to shut myself down. So I
think there's so much workingagainst us in this beautiful
(13:52):
journey of opening ourselves upsexually. I could see a lot of
women saying, I'm afraid to openmyself up sexually, because who
will I enjoy it with? What willI find like? Will it work for my
relationship? Does that makesense?
Dr. Juliana Hauser (14:10):
Oh, absolutely, and. And I think
hope can be a very scary door towalk through. Yes and, and when
you hear someone talking aboutthe possibility of having a
sexual life on your own, in arelationship with yourself
sexually that is fulfilling andwonderful and vibrant and
important to do, it can it's,it's, it's what I experienced at
(14:35):
conferences. People run to mebecause they're interested and
they really want to understandwhat that feels like. Or they're
like, Oh, nope. Like, I don'twant to get near you. Like,
don't, don't you get that stuffonto me. Like, I'm happy and
content. Like, don't, don'tinfluence me. And thinking that,
because it's hurts too much tohave it not happen, or it feels
like the hurdles to get to whereI am to what you're talking
(14:57):
about is so far, yeah. Said,
Laura Bowman (15:01):
what it but
Colette Fehr (15:01):
what is, I'm like, say more about this whole, like,
sexual life with yourself.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (15:08):
You know, I often talk about that. Yeah,
I'll ask people, is it couplethat I'm working with, or
someone, individually, a versionof this question, which is, what
is the point of sex? And I saysex because it's the starting
point, but what I really meanis, what is the point of who we
are as a sexual being? Butthat's often a little too wordy
for the first part of it. Andwhat fascinating answers that I
(15:31):
get, but it's almost always ifwe could pause at how you both
just reacted to that question.
That is what I get over and overand over again. I wish I could
have a montage of 1000 peoplegoing, like, Huh? Like, I don't
know, because we're not askedabout that. And so you go to,
most people go to like, well,procreation, even though we know
it's more than that, or to havean orgasm, you know, whatever,
(15:52):
but it's, it's usually that'sabout where it lands. And those
aren't wrong answers. But if, ifthat's what it's about, and
especially if, if havingchildren isn't on the table, or
it's no longer of interest, andyou're past that point, then
you're like, well, so then it'sabout pleasure. And if my
partner sucks in bed and I justhaven't no or they're not good
(16:14):
more, they're having issues thataren't good, or I don't like my
partner anymore, or I'm notpartner, and it's not a
possibility, and I love my sextoys, but you know, we've, we've
had a long relationship, and youknow that's stale too, or
whatever it is. If that's theonly value, and I'm not
devaluing pleasure and orgasm,but that's it, then I get why a
book or avoidance feels like itshouldn't be a you know, the sex
(16:39):
isn't who you are as a sexualbeing isn't a priority. So I
everyone has to get to theirwhy, yeah, and, and my why will
be different than or slightlydifferent I would imagine from
other people's whys and, and,and that is okay too, but I
think it's also a pretty scarything when I sit there in
silence, in patience, and say,well, let's, let's sit with what
(17:03):
is the point of this? What's thewhy? I'll go,
Laura Bowman (17:10):
this is like, you know what comes up for me? I
read this book years ago. It'san oldie but goodie, self help
book called Think and Grow Rich.
Have you guys heard of this bynarc in Hell, yeah, it's an old,
it's an old one. He talks aboutsexual energy in there. It's and
as a fuel source. And, I mean,I'm assuming that this book was
written for man, but I rememberit hitting me like, Oh, that's
(17:34):
right. Like sexual energy. AndI'll, and I'll speak for myself,
has always been and I think itwas so much easier for me to
access when I felt younger andmaybe a little sexier. Was like
that? It I was led into my ownpower. I was led into my own
sense of aliveness. We talkabout being alive a lot on this
(17:58):
podcast, and it's that it's thiscurrent of energy that is your
own sense of sexiness andaliveness. And when I have my
best sexual experiences, I getled into that, yeah, yeah. But I
mean, I feel like, for me, andI'll just out myself, is that it
(18:20):
was synonymous with me feeling alittle hotter. It's about my
relationship with self. Yes,it's a little bit less about my
partner. It's a little bit moreabout my relationship with self.
And as I don't feel a littlehotter and sexier, my ability to
access that current slows down.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (18:43):
Beautiful answer. So the thread I would
pull is, you know, how do wedefine and describe that
current? I love that wording.
And what does that look like foryou? How does that feel in your
body? When is it outside ofsexual activity? Where do you
feel it? What can you feed it? Alot of times, is creativity.
When you're creating something,you can you feel there's a
similarity to it that you canpull from it and starting on
(19:05):
your own. And what, what does itmean to feel hot? And what's
your relationship with yourbody? What's, how are you
defining like I have thisworkshop that I love called
Finding sexy, and what does thatmean for you? And what is the
spark and vibrancy in your life.
I love it. Yep, that's that's agreat answer. Or no,
Colette Fehr (19:25):
yeah. I mean, what I was gonna say is vibrancy so
similar, but not exactly whatLaura is saying in terms of like
that, but I agree with you, likethe sexier you feel. I think
it's like a chicken and eggthing. You know, you feel sexy.
You want to have sex more. Youhave sex more, you feel sexier.
But I think, to me, what Ilanded on with the point, of
(19:47):
course, as a couples therapist,the first thing I thought about
was connection, that, like thepoint of sex is connection. And
I'm not saying all sex is thathas to be that kind of sex. You
know, Sue Johnson distinguishes.
Between the different types ofsex and her book hold me tight
and like you have thissynchronicity sex, and then
there's sometimes there's justsex for pleasure. So I'm not
(20:08):
saying it's always that, butit's a huge part of sex, for
many couples or evenexperiences, is feeling
connected to somebody else, butI think the vibrancy of feeling
alive, and I agree, as an energysource and a way you feel about
yourself, like to me, it is apart of health and wellness is
(20:30):
continuing to be a sexual being,which I also agree and
appreciate your distinctionabout doesn't necessarily have
to be connected to sex acts. Youknow, it is enjoying life,
feeling your sexual energy,feeling hot and sexy even when
(20:52):
you're in your 50s, like I am,instead of, you know, only
feeling hot and sexy when myskin looked different and my
body looked different, right?
So, so I think it's, it is, it'sbeing connected to your life
force,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (21:13):
yes. And so, life force and, and I would use
similar wording too, of so wewhen you start with so what is
this that we're talking about?
What is the point of this?
What's the value of this? If youcan get through your answers,
and if we had 10 more people inhere, we'd have overlaps, and
(21:34):
we'd have differences, and, ohyeah, that's part of my answer,
too. I hadn't thought of that.
That's great, which is anotherreason why it's so important to
do things like this and haveconversations like this, because
part of what the problem is isthat we don't talk about it in
any kind of evolved, deep way,and we don't talk about in the
context of it's a deeper knowingof you that we're sharing my
answer, or it sometimes varies,but in essence, it's connection
(21:58):
to but it's it's also a lot oftimes in my life, I'm the anchor
for other people, and I, youknow, the holder of space for
others. And when I'm reallytuned into who I am as a sexual
being, I release that. And forme, a lot of my whys and how I
get tuned into who I am as asexual being is really allowing
(22:19):
myself to be held, eitherliterally or figuratively, and
and allowing myself to be seenand heard as a therapist, some
of what we are taught in ourtraining is to to remove
ourselves and who we are fromthe interactions, not always,
but for some of it, and And sowho I am as a sexual being
(22:41):
allows me to take theinvisibility out, and I'm
allowed to be more visible inthat way, which brings me
vibrancy and, and sure, I mean,like it feels great when you've
had a wonderful sexualencounter, and I'm feeling
wanted and I'm feeling seen and,or I'm able to express that to
somebody else too, that to me,that that does bring like a
(23:03):
synergy that feels really good.
But I've learned, and I've onlylearned because I have. I've
decided it's important becausethrough my work and I it's
inescapable that your sexualhealth is a critical part of
your overall wellness, and thereis science to back that, but
there's also psychology to backthat. And when, when we start
(23:28):
having conversations aboutsensuality or pleasure, or we're
talking about things that don'tsound, you know, really
inherently sexual, like we'vebeen taught, we'll have this
jolt of like, but that's notsex, that's not sexual, that's
not whatever, and it's just anunfortunate unlearning that we
have to do. And like in thebook, I'm saying this kind of
(23:49):
over and over again, giving, youknow, giving permission, giving
examples. I give personalstories. I give client stories
that they've given me permissionto to share and say, like, I'll
go first. This is just mine.
This is just my version of whatconnection looks like. This is
just my version of what pleasureand desire is. This is someone
else's and, and what's yoursand, and I really try to give a
(24:12):
lot of permission, of I don'tknow is a valid answer. It's
just, what do you do after? Idon't know, and I want to give
encouragement to follow up withI don't know. And also in in, in
the process of unlearning,there's going to be that
ambiguity of like, I think, Ithink I get a new concept of
(24:34):
what this looks like. I think Iget what they're talking about
and and not settling withsomeone else's answer, but
really deciding, like, what isit? How this is important to me,
is very valid. And if you'repartnered, really, you know,
hoping you have a partner whowill go along that endeavor with
(24:55):
you, right, and will find theirown. An agency, and then you
hope that magically, what youwant overlaps and makes a lot of
sense and and that you can becurious and excited together
because, because what I've seenover and over again is once,
once somebody, and I work withall genders, but in particularly
(25:15):
talking to women about this, ifyou can get over the hurdle, if
there is a hurdle of figuringout who you are as a sexual
being holistically, I have neverworked with somebody who is
like, Well, that wasn't worthit. You know that that was
disappointing. That was a wholebunch of nothing. And and I have
had people who, at the end ofthis this framework, have are
(25:38):
having less sex, less like,number wise, it's less sex, but
it is more aligned and pleasurefilled sexual activity for them,
which is fabulous. So again,like the this book or my goal
isn't to have people having moresex. It is to know who you are
as a sexual being. Because whenyou know who you are as a sexual
(25:58):
being, and you are enacting andall of these pillars
authentically and truthfully,then all of your connections
with yourself and with each ofthese topics, and then with
other people are so much morevaluable to who you are, which
feeds your vibrancy and yourauthenticity. And then you have
this energy of it either fallsinto the like you know, the you
know, the trend with Melanieright now, if we don't give a
(26:20):
fuck, it either goes into thatlike, I love who I am and I just
don't give a fuck anymore, or itgoes into like, I really give a
fuck now, and I am going toprotect this part of me and who
I am and I'm good, and I feel Ifeel good in my new skin, yeah,
and that's what has happened tome This year, is that I've had
to really figure out who, who isthe new sexual person that I've
(26:44):
become through through instantmenopause and and it took me a
while to get here, and I knowthat if I hadn't done this work
before, this year would havefelt incredibly scary, instead
of a journey, that I had a lotof self trust, because agency
builds a lot of self trust, andI do so much work in agency with
(27:07):
people and in my own work, thatwhen I felt lost, which I did
feel lost some this year, Ididn't feel lost and untethered.
I felt lost in not having myanswers, but I I had a belief in
myself I'd get to the answersand and that I knew when I, when
I when I can course correct. Iknow what agency feels like, and
(27:30):
I know what sexual agency feelslike, and That's home. That's
home to me. I want that for foreveryone,
Colette Fehr (27:38):
right? And figuring out what it looks like
for you at your stage of life,like what brings you pleasure
and joy and a sense ofaliveness, we're kind of
redefining what it is to be asexual being. And I think one
difference for a lot of women atmidlife, and maybe a lot of us
(27:59):
are still on this journey, ormaybe it's a never ending
journey, but there's so much forwomen in conditioning, about
sexual performance and having toplease your partner, and the
focus being on that right? Thefocus of sex is on orgasm. It's
on completion. It's on beingtitillating and arousing to your
(28:20):
partner and behaving in a way asa woman that's sexual, that
conforms to a very, at leasthistorically pornographically
driven ideal of how women shouldbehave sexually. So there's so
much conditioning in youryounger life, and you're so
rewarded for behaving in thoseways. And I'm I'm speaking about
(28:43):
more of heterosexualrelationships, because that's
been my own personal experienceas a heterosexual woman. I'm
sure these are these dynamicsappear in some fashion for
people in all kinds ofrelationships. But just speaking
to my experience and what I hearother women saying that at
midlife, I think, with thereduction of estrogen, the
(29:03):
exhaustion and the confidencethat comes for a lot of us, of
knowing who we are, more knowingour worth, not having so much of
it tied to male approval ifyou're heterosexual, so now
there's less desire to likedance around and perform like a
porn star, and make sex allabout that which it shouldn't
have been in the first place.
And now it's like, okay, there'sthis vacuum. Like, if I allow
(29:26):
myself to be seen and to let goof just holding space and to let
go of performing what actuallyturns me on? What do I like?
Right back to the yums andyucks. Like, what would it be
like to just be present in themoment and learn, for some
women, maybe for the first timeat this stage of life, what
(29:48):
actually is pleasurable to you?
And like you said, hopefully, ifyou're partnered, you have a
partner who wants to be on thatjourney with you, but I think
for. So many women, it's sodeeply ingrained that sex is a
performance, and it's aboutgiving pleasure to that other
person, and then you've, like,done a good job. Now you can get
(30:12):
in your pajamas and read yourbook because you've taken care
of that task. You've performedwell, it's over, and now you're
left in peace. So this is reallythe opposite of all of that, of
saying like, Okay, what am I andwhat do I want to be, and how do
I feel alive if I'm not cateringcompletely to what's expected of
(30:36):
me by society, by a partner, bymy old beliefs, my old outdated
beliefs. It can be a bigunpacking and a big shift.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (30:47):
It can be and again, going back to your
WHY it there's there's, therenot a lot of spaces in which to
do this kind of work. People whodo the work don't often talk
about it, so you're just notlike sitting around for girls
night or for coffee, although Ialways encourage people to do
that, to share it and to make tonormalize those conversations.
Colette Fehr (31:09):
I also girls a girls sex party entry.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (31:13):
Yes, I love doing those. Those are some of
my favorites. I also thinkthere's not a lot of space to
celebrate. And I think one ofthe things that happens, and I
try to do this in my frameworkand work that I do, is just like
we have on one side, thecontinuum of like, mourning and
grieving, perhaps our pastsexual selves or what we what we
the disconnect between where weare and where we want to be.
(31:36):
There's also the continuum oflike, sometimes when you when
you get partnered or aremarried, the rules become you
can't talk about your sex lifeat all anymore. You can't talk
about problems because that'sdisrespectful to your partner,
right? And you can't celebrateand be like, we just have the
best sex life. Not you kidding,but you can't do anything at
all. It becomes even moresecretive in a sacred way that's
different, which then really is,is really not good for our
(32:00):
sexual culture, or for ourcontinued sex education, because
we have to have sex educationthrough our lifespan, because
it's constantly changing. Yeah,so I like to give space for
celebration, and sometimes thatstarts with and I know I so I
talk so much about yucks andyums, but it really is such a
pivotal part that if you don'thave that building block is, is
(32:21):
one of the first steps that youknow, to do, then it's really
hard to build upon anything thatis going to be substantive and
authentic. I love it. I love itwhen, again, we'll just speak
about women, but I love it withall genders. When someone says,
okay, you know, I would reallylike to, I think I want to peg
somebody or whatever. The thingis, I can't
Unknown (32:45):
believe I said it like, what do you think? Fabulous,
great.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (32:51):
Know about it? You know? What do you think
about it? Like, did you just seeit in hunting wives, they did a
scene. It was great. Like,whatever it is and whatever it
again, I'm not trying now. I'mnot trying now. I'm not trying
to be to go the opposite andsay, now we're just talking
about sex acts. But there is apoint that we we do talk about
sex acts. It is one of thepillars.
Colette Fehr (33:09):
And wait, Juliana, what is peg pegging? It? I
don't, I don't. So shame me fornot knowing what
Laura Bowman (33:20):
pegging a little more creative with yourself.
Colette Fehr (33:24):
No, I don't want to be more creative with my
remember we talked about fistinglast time I learned what fisting
was in our episode on the yumsand yucks. But I don't know what
pegging is
Laura Bowman (33:35):
great, and sure, I could define it either, go
ahead, Juliana,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (33:39):
remember we welcome, I don't know. And those
Colette Fehr (33:41):
Yes, fabulous and being curious and learning,
yeah, learning
Dr. Juliana Hauser (33:45):
and figuring out something is a no for you,
fabulous, we celebrate all ofthat. So pegging, there's,
there's different kind of,different forms, but in essence,
it is using, like a strap on adildo and and performing anal
sex that way. And the typicalstereotypic definition is a
woman wearing a strap on dildoand pegging a male and having
(34:10):
sex in their anus.
Unknown (34:13):
I don't know what it is. Women
Dr. Juliana Hauser (34:17):
can do it to each other. I mean, like,
there's all different things.
There's different areas.
Colette Fehr (34:20):
Sure, you can take your dildo into lots of
locations, lots of No. And Ithink if that's your thing, I am
all for it. I have a visceralyeah to that. I don't Yeah,
like, that's just not for me.
But I think that's the knowing,right? Like, I felt an immediate
knowing in my body. And it's notI could feel a difference from I
(34:42):
have no judgment about it, trulythat, like, if you want to do
that, I just have a viscerallike, ooh, that wouldn't be a
turn on for me. So I thinkthat's even like, the point of
this is that there might besomething you've never heard of
that your body just goes. Goes,Oh, that is kind of like I feel
a little bit aroused by that, orintrigued by that idea, or your
(35:05):
body goes, Yeah, nope, no way.
Like, no matter whatconditioning and happened in
society, if suddenly every housewas pegging, people were petting
in public, I would be the onenon pegger, right? So I've
learned that, just like Ilearned I don't want to fist. I
think what I'm learning is I'mjust not like, an anal per like,
(35:28):
I'm not interested in the analarea. Yeah,
Laura Bowman (35:31):
I'm glad the world knows that now I'm okay with
that. What's coming up for me,and we've talked about it on
other episodes, is that women,and I'm guilty of this too, is
like we press the same buttons,we have the same pathways. We
have the same pathways sometimesto feel sexual. We have some of
the same pathways to orgasm. Andwhen those pathways either no
(35:54):
longer work, no longer hit thesame or we lose creativity.
Yeah, and like, the door closes.
So, like, I love the permissionstructure you're giving of,
like, can we be creative? Isthere, like, is there another
way to feel alive, to get intoyour sexuality, to play? And,
yeah, yeah, it
Dr. Juliana Hauser (36:19):
is. It's that that beautiful relationship
between what the what happensinside the bedroom, happens
outside the bedroom, outsideinside that that that
stereotypic phrase, and it'sactually something I think is
quite powerful, if you're usingdifferent terminology with it,
is that I think it informs, sowhat is overtly sexual can
inform what isn't, and whatisn't can inform what it is, or
(36:41):
overtly sexual and and I alsothink in the permission it is to
give yourself, to give yourselfthe ability to change, and to
give yourself the ability to beconstant in that. So an example,
I'll go back to pegging the Ilove just saying that just
casually,
Colette Fehr (36:57):
yes, let's keep talking about pegging part of
becoming
Dr. Juliana Hauser (37:01):
certified in a sexual educator, counselor,
therapist through thisorganization called ASAC is that
you have to go through thiscourse called a SAR. And when I
did it the first time, it was2005 and the they could all be
different, but it was basicallytwo days of watching porn, but
(37:21):
there was a pegging scene andand I remember it distinctly. It
was the only thing that I sawthat I was like, Oh no, no, no,
no, no, no. That's this doesn'tturn me on. And I didn't have a
lot of words as to why it was ano, but I said things like, oh,
it just doesn't feel masculineto me. And when I look back on
what I said, I was like, I'm abit horrified by by what my
(37:44):
viewpoint was, but I'm proud ofmyself for owning what was a no
for me, and I knew what I knewof myself, and I was the only
one in the group that didn'tthink it was sexy. I check in
with myself and think so. 20years ago, this was visceral no
for me, and it is no longer I nolonger had that same reaction.
(38:04):
And that doesn't matter. Itwouldn't matter if it was the
same now for 20 years or not, orwhat the sex tech we're talking
about, but what, what I loved inmy own self reflection was that
I it was so natural for me nowto check in with my yes or no to
that, and it wasn't back then,and that's the growth for me,
not the answer. It's right? Andthat's how the book is like.
(38:26):
It's It's the process, not thedestination, right? And who we
are as sexual beings, whetherit's about a sex act or about
where you are conceptualizingyourself as a sexual being,
right? I'm just asking everyone,please do not overlook that the
process of examining who you areas a sexual being is, it's not a
luxury. It's really a necessity.
And if you are going to befocusing on your who you are in
(38:48):
your overall wellness, and youdon't address who you are as a
sexual being, then you aremissing a huge piece of who you
are and and it's, it's a shame,and we're having a lot of, I
think, consequences in ourrelationships, in our bodies,
and culturally, because we
Laura Bowman (39:07):
are, yeah, I mean, what's coming up for me, as
you're saying all this is like,now we've culturally put
everything on the buffet andsays, like, go through the
buffet, take what you want. Youknow, pegging is a thing. People
do it. If you are into it, playwith it. But I think a lot of
women, I know a lot of women,are like people like me, do X,
(39:31):
Y, Z, people, you know, peoplelike me and so like they their
sexualities are very walled off.
And it's like they're not evenwilling to sort of see the
buffet they're like, no, no, I'mthe type of person who I see
people with those rigididentities in all kinds of
areas, but I don't think a lotof people let themselves go
(39:53):
through the buffet line. Is whatI'm
Colette Fehr (39:56):
saying. Right? I agree. Right.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (39:59):
No. Yes, no, they don't even walk into the
buffet room,
Colette Fehr (40:02):
right? Order off the menu the same thing they've
gotten at that restaurant andthat like, right?
Laura Bowman (40:07):
That's salad with chicken on it. That's what I
asked Yes,
Colette Fehr (40:11):
and it's and it's like, there's a whole buffet in
there. What if there's somethingin that buffet that you love,
that you wouldn't even know ifyou don't explore with
curiosity,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (40:22):
right? And I when and when I encounter that
dynamic, where I like to go issafety and and because I think
what that feels like familiarityfeels safe, yeah, and something
new does not feel safe. And so Ilike to explore outside of a
sexual context. How doessomebody try new things? And I
(40:43):
don't want to make them wrong,because there isn't anything
wrong with room service ordoing, you know, the same
chicken touching every singletime at Friday nights like I
get, I get that too, because Ialso don't want to to say that,
you know, hanging from therafters and doing X, Y and Z is,
again, the right kind ofsexuality. I'm just asking
(41:04):
people to ask and, and if, andif you have the No, understand
what your no is. I love doingthis discussion in groups,
because I think there's a lot ofpower and growth that can happen
when here we just three of us,and I was, I think we may have
three different views on somethings, and, and it's so
powerful to be able to say, Oh,this is me next to someone who's
(41:24):
like, that is not me. And we'reall like, cool, right, right?
And it's all good. We're not.
None of us are wrong, right? Andmaybe we can learn something or
or, you know, again, like, Ithink some of the most powerful
places have been when someone isbeing has said yes to something
for so long, and they finallysay no, and they and they, they,
they don't go into that roomanymore. I think that's just as
(41:45):
powerful and so again, likeit's, it is question with
curiosity, not judgment, thereasoning behind your yeses and
nos if you are in any way opento the process of examination,
then, then step, make that firststep, just even if it's just a
(42:10):
toe into it, and find other safepeople to have those
conversations with. And thatshould be curiosity. It should
be celebration. It should besaying no to things. It should
it should be a whole buffet ofoptions for yourself. And I
think it's also, or at least forme, like, you know, I love I ask
people to to have, like, a fuckit list and, and a fuck it list
(42:34):
of, and I know it's playing onthe words of it being sex but I
like when we go through all ofthe nine pillars, like, what is
your dream list for all of this?
And this is something we weretalking about before we started
recording, which is in midlife,the time is now, and a lot of
things. And I know I think aboutthat for my physical health and
(42:56):
my Hormonal Health and mycareer, I also do that for my
sexual self. Now I do hope, if Ilive a long life, I hope that I,
you know, at 90, am stillsexual, or still whatever I
whatever that means for me atthat point, I still feel that, I
hope that I'm sexually active atsome point. But I I also feel
like there is, there is a limit,or there limitations that come
(43:21):
as we're aging of who we are, asour sexual selves? And there
are, like, I just, I've been,I've moved, and so I've been
packing and unpacking things,and I found this box, and I
found this picture of me in abikini, and I was like, Oh God,
I did not appreciate that body.
I Why didn't I take a betterpicture of myself and that? And,
you know, like, that was too faraway. Like, I would have just
like, stood front and center forthat picture now. And then I was
(43:44):
like, oh, Jillian, like, whatare you doing with your body
right now? What are you thinkingabout that? And, you know, I
went through the whole, thewhole conversation and, and
maybe think about now, becausein that same day, I had a
conversation with a woman who's15 years older than me, and
she's like, you know, I hear youtalking about, you know, the
time being now and is times todo these things in your career
(44:04):
and who you are as a sexualbeing. And she's like, you're a
baby to me and, and I'm like, Ifeel that same way, like I've
got time taken, I've got sex Iwant to be having. I've got
career stuff I want to be doing.
And I'm 70, and I I encourageyou to do it. Do it now. That's
Laura Bowman (44:22):
a great message, yeah. Like, I need to hear that,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (44:24):
yeah. And I look back at this, my 30 year
old self in this bikini, and I,I didn't know the concept of
time in that way. And as I saidbefore, like, actually, the love
of my life, he was a lot in thisbook, died not long after that
photo. He took that picture ofme, and I didn't obviously know
that was happened, was going tohappen, and, and, and we don't
(44:45):
know the good things that aregoing to happen too, but I I
think it, I think it's fun andit's creative, and it's helpful
to even like, what kind ofthings as a sexual being do I
want to do now, and some of thatwill be sex. Sucks. So like, if
you like cowgirl, which is beingon top, and like you and your
(45:06):
knees don't work like they usedto, then it's time to do it now,
or it's time to figure outpillows on how to do it. And
it's like, let's say and that'sthe last time that we do that
position, and we say goodbye toit, and we find the position
that we like now, or it's who weare as a sensual being that it's
(45:26):
like, this is my chapter of whoI am as a sensual being, or who
I am in in my desire and and whodo you want to be? Because time
is ticking, and there's nogreater time, frankly, in our
culture than to to positionsexuality as an a pivotal part
of who we are, and to claim iton our own selves, because it's
(45:49):
if we're going to change thesexual culture, it starts with
with you and and the way wechange, in my eyes, our sexual
culture is that we position aculture of sexual agency that
doesn't oppress others, it alsodoesn't glorify others and and
that is an inside job that ifmore people keep doing it, and
it doesn't mean that we have ahomogeneous way of looking at
(46:11):
who we are as a sexual being,but if we have sexual agency as
the connecting factor, then weshift. We get more of our rights
back. We get more ownership, andwe have more authentic
connections. And what I've seenis it reduces the negativity
that comes along with sexualbehavior and mindset when you
(46:31):
are rooted in sexual agency andand the time is now to learn
that if you haven't already,
Laura Bowman (46:38):
oh my god, I could listen to you talk about that
all day like this is likeinspiring to me.
Colette Fehr (46:43):
That is the most inspiring, powerful note to end
on. I'm so glad you said that.
So tell everyone where they canfind you, where they can find
your book, all that good stuff,because the book is the place to
start with all of this.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (46:59):
Yeah. Thank you. So it is going to be on,
you know, the online platformsand Amazon, Barnes and Noble
also, you can go to my websiteat Dr julianna.com and there is
a place to buy it on there, itwill link you to whatever you
can choose on my website, whatonline source that you will buy
(47:20):
the book, and my book is onlygoing to be online, and then I'm
going across the country, andwe're even now starting to look
at outside of the country. Onething I wanted to say about that
I decided to put in this book isthat there's QR codes that I
have at the end of the pillars.
And in the end of the pillars,you'll take your phone do the QR
code, and it's going to take youto my website, and you'll hear
(47:41):
other stories. So there's onlyso much you could fit in a book,
and I really wanted people tohear other stories, to
understand more about what whatstories they would bring forward
with each of it and and withinthat, there's going to be a
capability for you to write, towrite your own story, write it
to me, write it down, to to thewebsite, to share it with
others, and you can do itanonymously, confidentially, or
(48:02):
you can do it publicly. And I'mvery excited to interact with
people and have people sharingwho they are, and I will be
putting on the platform. Itcomes out September 23 and I'm
really, really excited to put ineveryone's
Colette Fehr (48:18):
hands. Well, we can't wait. And the book is a
new position on sex by DrJulianna Houser, go grab a copy
online ASAP. Go get it. I'veread it. It's amazing. You're
amazing. Thank you so much forbeing here. Always thought,
anytime, yes, yes, yes, we wantto have you back again soon
(48:41):
after your worldwide tour, andI'll learn a new sex act that
probably my little vanilla selfdoesn't want to do, but that's
great. I love it. I welcome itall. So thank you so much.
Thanks to all you guys forlistening. We hope you got some
great insights from our couchtoday, and we'll see you next
time Bye guys, you.
Marc, welcome to insights from the couch, where
real conversations meet real
Laura Bowman (00:07):
life. At midlife, we're Colette and Laura, two
therapists and best friends,walking through the journey
right alongside you, whetheryou're feeling stuck, restless
or just unsure of what's next.
This is a space for honestconversations, messy truths and
meaningful change.
Colette Fehr (00:26):
And our midlife master class is now open. If
you're looking to level up, getinto action and make midlife the
best season yet. Go to insightsfrom the couch.org and join our
wait list. Now, let's dive in.
Okay, we're here today with DrJulianna Houser, our friend who
(00:47):
we love so much. We're so happyto have you back. And today
we're going to be talking aboutyour new book that's just coming
out now, a new position on sexand how it pertains to our
journey at midlife as sexualbeings, as women. Let's dive
right into it. Welcome back.
Thank you. I'm so happy to beback. We're so happy to have
(01:07):
you. So tell our many of ourlisteners might have heard your
last episode, Laura, did you seewhat numbers? It's episode 37
it's yucks, yums. And yesplease. Great
Laura Bowman (01:22):
episode. Was so
Colette Fehr (01:23):
good that was, like, one of the most fun
episodes we've ever recorded. Soif you haven't heard it, go back
and listen to that one too. AndI want to get just kind of have
you reintroduce ourselves to ouraudience, in case they haven't
met you yet.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (01:39):
Yes. So I by by trade. I am a therapist, a
marriage and family therapist,and licensed professional
counsel also, and I am a sexeducator, sex therapist, and so
I fall into both worlds and anddo work. Some of my work is
truly just focused on sexualhealth and wellness, and others
is solely on mental health. Andthere's lots of overlap between
(02:02):
the two. Yeah, two.
Colette Fehr (02:03):
Yeah. So you have all the pieces to really tackle
this issue. So tell us a littlebit about we were chatting
before we got on here, a littlebit about what's really relevant
for women, particularly at thisstage, at midlife, about our
sexual journey and our ownpersonal evolution as women.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (02:23):
So a little like backing up a bit the book
that that you mentioned issomething that I've been working
on and researching for 20 years,and one of the things that felt
really important to me was thatit was, it was a framework that
no matter what your age, nomatter who you were, no matter
what your background was, any ofyour details that this framework
(02:46):
was something that would fit foryou and fit for someone who was
sitting next to you. That wascompletely different. When I
think back on I was 30 yearsold, when I started this
research and started looking atsexuality, and I thought I was
just so big and grown up, and Iknew everything. And I looked
back and like, Oh, you were ababy. You were just a baby in
(03:06):
this and and I also think, wow,I would have never predicted a
lot of what happened in these 20years in my life, and a lot of
what what has happened in theworld, culturally, and who we
are a sexual being, andparticularly who we are as
women. I never thought that,when I would be talking about
(03:27):
this book, that there'd be somuch happening in the world and
and I also go out and thinkNever did I hear perimenopause
or menopause in any of mytraining 20 years ago. I know
it's still not even a part ofour education. Now, for those
who are becoming therapists aswell as sexuality, and I know
we've talked about thatpreviously, that we don't have
(03:48):
to have training in sexuality tobecome a therapist in most
states and in most of ourdisciplines in the mental health
world, which is just crazy in alot of ways. So this book is
it's really for all of us, and Idid a lot of work over these 20
years to test it and to workwith people and and what I found
(04:09):
for women who are going throughthis framework, and the
framework is really figuring outwho you are as a sexual being
through the lens of agency. Soit is not a book that is
prescriptive and saying, what isthe right sexuality? What is the
wrong sexuality? And it's notsex tips. I love those things,
but that's I don't love thattelling you what to do part, but
(04:29):
I love i But what I want is, Iwant this to be and I think
particularly for me, and I gothrough the framework myself
every couple of years when I'vedone it recently, I realized, as
in a woman, I'm 53 that it feelsmore important than ever to be
doing things on my terms and andto be revisiting what is right
(04:52):
for me as who I am as a sexualbeing, and the details, and I
call them intersections in thebook that. The intersections of
relationships or lifeexperiences or phase of life, is
really different. And it it evenis different from a year ago, as
I've told you about before, ayear ago, I had a hysterectomy.
So if I had done this frameworkbefore my surgery, it would have
(05:14):
been very different than it isnow. And and to me, I feel like
that's the beauty of the work ofthis book is I want women at
this age to look at theframework of holistic sexuality
as a place of hope and as aplace of I get to decide what I
want and who I am, and as wesaid before, our yeses and nos,
(05:38):
our yucks and our youngs on ourown terms, and that the
framework is there for you tonot feel alone, to have a
guidance, but almost like adoula, instead of someone that's
telling you what to do, but alsonot leaving it on your own, so
that you don't have paralysis bychoice you because that's a lot
of what I hear from women is Idon't know where to begin. I
(05:59):
like what you're saying, like,it resonates. I want to do
sexuality on my own terms. Butwhat does that mean? Yeah, and,
and, honestly, what are myoptions? Yeah, and this, this
book, and the framework in thebook is part of that.
Laura Bowman (06:12):
So I love this, but I want to just say, like,
the quiet part out loud what Ihear from women at midlife, and
everyone's different, like,everyone's range of sexual how
in touch they are with their ownsexual being is vastly
different. But the refrain Ihear a lot is, oh my god, I just
(06:34):
want to crawl into bed at like,eight o'clock be left the hell
alone with my book. I like, haveyou know, maybe there's like,
moments where I feel sexual,maybe that opens up
occasionally, but for the mostpart, it's really not front of
mind. And I mean, tell me why.
For that type of woman, which Ihear a lot, how does your
(06:55):
framework speak to that woman,and how can she gets something
out of what you're writing aboutin this book. Yeah,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (07:04):
and I love that phrasing, speaking, the
quiet, that's that was reallywell, real stated, I and because
also when you, when you said itthat way, it really does speak
to the shame, also that happensthat it's, it is, it almost
feels like a confession thatwhen women are sharing, like, I
really don't want this is like Ifeel okay with this being it,
(07:27):
but is it okay, and is it okaythat I'm in my pajamas, or what
are they gonna be the sideeffects? Or should I be feeling
something different? And so thethe beginning of it for me is
shame reduction is so importantto know who you are as a sexual
being, and you have to to try torelease yourself of comparison,
particularly you of your olderself or your former self and and
(07:52):
other peers. And then. And then,it gets tricky when you have a
partner that if your sexuality,where you wanting to be, doesn't
match with what your partner iswanting and where
Colette Fehr (08:02):
what I say, yeah, that's my office, yeah,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (08:06):
yeah. And it I, you know, in the couples work
that I do too, it has to startindividually to really
understand, so that you knowwhat you're offering yourself
first and then to your partner.
But life doesn't happen in avacuum. So what do you do when
you want to be in your pajamasand be left alone and read your
book and you actually are happy,that's that's not Yum, but the
(08:27):
world tells me that's not a Yum,or my partner says that's not a
yum. Exactly underneath that iswe are told and we're taught
this because our sex educationis horrific, that if you are a
sexual person, you are havingsex, and if you are not having
sex, you are not a sexualperson. I'm so glad you said
that. Yeah, that's not thatdoesn't resonate with me. It
(08:50):
doesn't resonate with the workand the studies and the research
that I've done. So thisframework, I think, provides a
lot of healing for thatsentiment that you don't have to
be involved in sexual acts. Inorder to be a sexual person, you
have to be breathing. And ifyou're breathing, you are
inherently, by birth, right, asexual person. And and I when,
(09:12):
when I work with people who aresaying that, I think oftentimes
it is, it's a relief thattalking to me isn't going to be
a pressure to be involved in sexacts. And when the pressure is
taken off, and the judgment isis removed, and we named the
shame of associated and judgmentassociated with that, then I
(09:32):
think, okay, so, so let's reworkand reframe what it means to be
a sexual person, yeah, and let'sunlearn what we've been taught
horrifically in our sex ed, orthe sex ed that we didn't get.
And let me tell you what I thinkthis is, what I think a holistic
sexual being is. And Iintroduced the nine pillars, and
the first one is sensuality. Andwe talked about this previously,
(09:55):
and I've just found that to be areal place of. Of a really
beautiful entry point and and soif you're sitting there in the
most comfy pajamas, then you arebeing a sensual person, which is
sexual through your sensuality.
If you are loving your book,you're making choice by agency.
(10:16):
It's you're having a yum andpleasure filled so you are a
sexual being who's involving thepleasure in that, and I like to
to ride off of the pleasure andthe yeses and the things that
are feeling naturally yummy toyou and and then we go through
the other parts, and it involvessex acts. And we'll talk about
(10:38):
so is there any place that youdo feel like a sex act with
yourself or with your partner isa young Right? And, and there's
a reason why it's halfwaythrough the pillars, because
it's not where we should start,
Colette Fehr (10:52):
right, starting with the sensuality so and also,
you know, as I'm listening toyou talk about this, and Laura
your question, because I hearthe same thing, and I go through
some of that. I mean, I thinkthere's a couple of different
pieces for women that if we'rewilling to go on a journey of
exploring and just beingcurious, without pressure and
(11:13):
without shame, about what lightsus up, what makes us feel good,
where we find our sexual energy,and whatever that looks like.
Yeah, I think there's the womangetting in bed and her pajamas,
wanting to be left alone, whofeels like, you know, I still
feel sexual, but I don't reallywant to be sexual with my
partner, and that's a verydifficult bridge to cross,
(11:36):
because there's something goingon in the relationship that's
interfered with attraction tothat person, but maybe not
necessarily any everyone else.
So she's shut down in that waybecause she doesn't really want
to be physical with her partner.
And I hear that from a lot ofwomen, you know, people in long
term marriages for a variety ofreasons, disconnection and more.
(12:00):
Then I think there are peoplewho are women who are so
overloaded by the mental load,the the emotional toll being in
the sandwich generation. Manywomen at midlife today have
young children, children in highschool, children younger than
high school. There are women intheir 40s with kids who are 236,
(12:21):
years old, they have agingparents.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (12:24):
Yeah, my right, right? 11 year old,
right?
Colette Fehr (12:27):
They're they're taking care of aging parents.
They're working demanding jobs.
They're raising children. Theyfeel like they're still doing
the lion's share of the socialand emotional labor at home. So
by eight o'clock, it's likeeveryone can fuck off. I am
dead. I
Unknown (12:45):
read my bio,
Colette Fehr (12:47):
right, right? My sexual energy, it's in there.
But I am so tired, I don't evenhave time to connect to that.
And then I think there are thewomen who maybe that's not
what's going on. They just don'tfeel particularly sexual.
They're at that phase of life,perimenopause or menopause,
where the libido is lowered.
They feel very content to justread the book, whether they're
(13:10):
tired or not. And sometimes Ifall into that, like it's just a
delicious pleasure. So I thinkthere's a couple of different
pieces to what can contribute tothis, but I see a lot of women
going through forget even thehormonal stuff, I've kind of
shut myself off sexually,because I feel like I have to,
like maybe my marriage, or mypartnership isn't that great, or
(13:32):
I'm single, and I don't I'mdating, and when I date, I feel
like I'm put Through theemotional ringer. And these men
or women or people out there Idate like don't feel safe, and
so it's just easier not to wantand to shut myself down. So I
think there's so much workingagainst us in this beautiful
(13:52):
journey of opening ourselves upsexually. I could see a lot of
women saying, I'm afraid to openmyself up sexually, because who
will I enjoy it with? What willI find like? Will it work for my
relationship? Does that makesense?
Dr. Juliana Hauser (14:10):
Oh, absolutely, and. And I think
hope can be a very scary door towalk through. Yes and, and when
you hear someone talking aboutthe possibility of having a
sexual life on your own, in arelationship with yourself
sexually that is fulfilling andwonderful and vibrant and
important to do, it can it's,it's, it's what I experienced at
(14:35):
conferences. People run to mebecause they're interested and
they really want to understandwhat that feels like. Or they're
like, Oh, nope. Like, I don'twant to get near you. Like,
don't, don't you get that stuffonto me. Like, I'm happy and
content. Like, don't, don'tinfluence me. And thinking that,
because it's hurts too much tohave it not happen, or it feels
like the hurdles to get to whereI am to what you're talking
(14:57):
about is so far, yeah. Said,
Laura Bowman (15:01):
what it but
Colette Fehr (15:01):
what is, I'm like, say more about this whole, like,
sexual life with yourself.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (15:08):
You know, I often talk about that. Yeah,
I'll ask people, is it couplethat I'm working with, or
someone, individually, a versionof this question, which is, what
is the point of sex? And I saysex because it's the starting
point, but what I really meanis, what is the point of who we
are as a sexual being? Butthat's often a little too wordy
for the first part of it. Andwhat fascinating answers that I
(15:31):
get, but it's almost always ifwe could pause at how you both
just reacted to that question.
That is what I get over and overand over again. I wish I could
have a montage of 1000 peoplegoing, like, Huh? Like, I don't
know, because we're not askedabout that. And so you go to,
most people go to like, well,procreation, even though we know
it's more than that, or to havean orgasm, you know, whatever,
(15:52):
but it's, it's usually that'sabout where it lands. And those
aren't wrong answers. But if, ifthat's what it's about, and
especially if, if havingchildren isn't on the table, or
it's no longer of interest, andyou're past that point, then
you're like, well, so then it'sabout pleasure. And if my
partner sucks in bed and I justhaven't no or they're not good
(16:14):
more, they're having issues thataren't good, or I don't like my
partner anymore, or I'm notpartner, and it's not a
possibility, and I love my sextoys, but you know, we've, we've
had a long relationship, and youknow that's stale too, or
whatever it is. If that's theonly value, and I'm not
devaluing pleasure and orgasm,but that's it, then I get why a
book or avoidance feels like itshouldn't be a you know, the sex
(16:39):
isn't who you are as a sexualbeing isn't a priority. So I
everyone has to get to theirwhy, yeah, and, and my why will
be different than or slightlydifferent I would imagine from
other people's whys and, and,and that is okay too, but I
think it's also a pretty scarything when I sit there in
silence, in patience, and say,well, let's, let's sit with what
(17:03):
is the point of this? What's thewhy? I'll go,
Laura Bowman (17:10):
this is like, you know what comes up for me? I
read this book years ago. It'san oldie but goodie, self help
book called Think and Grow Rich.
Have you guys heard of this bynarc in Hell, yeah, it's an old,
it's an old one. He talks aboutsexual energy in there. It's and
as a fuel source. And, I mean,I'm assuming that this book was
written for man, but I rememberit hitting me like, Oh, that's
(17:34):
right. Like sexual energy. AndI'll, and I'll speak for myself,
has always been and I think itwas so much easier for me to
access when I felt younger andmaybe a little sexier. Was like
that? It I was led into my ownpower. I was led into my own
sense of aliveness. We talkabout being alive a lot on this
(17:58):
podcast, and it's that it's thiscurrent of energy that is your
own sense of sexiness andaliveness. And when I have my
best sexual experiences, I getled into that, yeah, yeah. But I
mean, I feel like, for me, andI'll just out myself, is that it
(18:20):
was synonymous with me feeling alittle hotter. It's about my
relationship with self. Yes,it's a little bit less about my
partner. It's a little bit moreabout my relationship with self.
And as I don't feel a littlehotter and sexier, my ability to
access that current slows down.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (18:43):
Beautiful answer. So the thread I would
pull is, you know, how do wedefine and describe that
current? I love that wording.
And what does that look like foryou? How does that feel in your
body? When is it outside ofsexual activity? Where do you
feel it? What can you feed it? Alot of times, is creativity.
When you're creating something,you can you feel there's a
similarity to it that you canpull from it and starting on
(19:05):
your own. And what, what does itmean to feel hot? And what's
your relationship with yourbody? What's, how are you
defining like I have thisworkshop that I love called
Finding sexy, and what does thatmean for you? And what is the
spark and vibrancy in your life.
I love it. Yep, that's that's agreat answer. Or no,
Colette Fehr (19:25):
yeah. I mean, what I was gonna say is vibrancy so
similar, but not exactly whatLaura is saying in terms of like
that, but I agree with you, likethe sexier you feel. I think
it's like a chicken and eggthing. You know, you feel sexy.
You want to have sex more. Youhave sex more, you feel sexier.
But I think, to me, what Ilanded on with the point, of
(19:47):
course, as a couples therapist,the first thing I thought about
was connection, that, like thepoint of sex is connection. And
I'm not saying all sex is thathas to be that kind of sex. You
know, Sue Johnson distinguishes.
Between the different types ofsex and her book hold me tight
and like you have thissynchronicity sex, and then
there's sometimes there's justsex for pleasure. So I'm not
(20:08):
saying it's always that, butit's a huge part of sex, for
many couples or evenexperiences, is feeling
connected to somebody else, butI think the vibrancy of feeling
alive, and I agree, as an energysource and a way you feel about
yourself, like to me, it is apart of health and wellness is
(20:30):
continuing to be a sexual being,which I also agree and
appreciate your distinctionabout doesn't necessarily have
to be connected to sex acts. Youknow, it is enjoying life,
feeling your sexual energy,feeling hot and sexy even when
(20:52):
you're in your 50s, like I am,instead of, you know, only
feeling hot and sexy when myskin looked different and my
body looked different, right?
So, so I think it's, it is, it'sbeing connected to your life
force,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (21:13):
yes. And so, life force and, and I would use
similar wording too, of so wewhen you start with so what is
this that we're talking about?
What is the point of this?
What's the value of this? If youcan get through your answers,
and if we had 10 more people inhere, we'd have overlaps, and
(21:34):
we'd have differences, and, ohyeah, that's part of my answer,
too. I hadn't thought of that.
That's great, which is anotherreason why it's so important to
do things like this and haveconversations like this, because
part of what the problem is isthat we don't talk about it in
any kind of evolved, deep way,and we don't talk about in the
context of it's a deeper knowingof you that we're sharing my
answer, or it sometimes varies,but in essence, it's connection
(21:58):
to but it's it's also a lot oftimes in my life, I'm the anchor
for other people, and I, youknow, the holder of space for
others. And when I'm reallytuned into who I am as a sexual
being, I release that. And forme, a lot of my whys and how I
get tuned into who I am as asexual being is really allowing
(22:19):
myself to be held, eitherliterally or figuratively, and
and allowing myself to be seenand heard as a therapist, some
of what we are taught in ourtraining is to to remove
ourselves and who we are fromthe interactions, not always,
but for some of it, and And sowho I am as a sexual being
(22:41):
allows me to take theinvisibility out, and I'm
allowed to be more visible inthat way, which brings me
vibrancy and, and sure, I mean,like it feels great when you've
had a wonderful sexualencounter, and I'm feeling
wanted and I'm feeling seen and,or I'm able to express that to
somebody else too, that to me,that that does bring like a
(23:03):
synergy that feels really good.
But I've learned, and I've onlylearned because I have. I've
decided it's important becausethrough my work and I it's
inescapable that your sexualhealth is a critical part of
your overall wellness, and thereis science to back that, but
there's also psychology to backthat. And when, when we start
(23:28):
having conversations aboutsensuality or pleasure, or we're
talking about things that don'tsound, you know, really
inherently sexual, like we'vebeen taught, we'll have this
jolt of like, but that's notsex, that's not sexual, that's
not whatever, and it's just anunfortunate unlearning that we
have to do. And like in thebook, I'm saying this kind of
(23:49):
over and over again, giving, youknow, giving permission, giving
examples. I give personalstories. I give client stories
that they've given me permissionto to share and say, like, I'll
go first. This is just mine.
This is just my version of whatconnection looks like. This is
just my version of what pleasureand desire is. This is someone
else's and, and what's yoursand, and I really try to give a
(24:12):
lot of permission, of I don'tknow is a valid answer. It's
just, what do you do after? Idon't know, and I want to give
encouragement to follow up withI don't know. And also in in, in
the process of unlearning,there's going to be that
ambiguity of like, I think, Ithink I get a new concept of
(24:34):
what this looks like. I think Iget what they're talking about
and and not settling withsomeone else's answer, but
really deciding, like, what isit? How this is important to me,
is very valid. And if you'repartnered, really, you know,
hoping you have a partner whowill go along that endeavor with
(24:55):
you, right, and will find theirown. An agency, and then you
hope that magically, what youwant overlaps and makes a lot of
sense and and that you can becurious and excited together
because, because what I've seenover and over again is once,
once somebody, and I work withall genders, but in particularly
(25:15):
talking to women about this, ifyou can get over the hurdle, if
there is a hurdle of figuringout who you are as a sexual
being holistically, I have neverworked with somebody who is
like, Well, that wasn't worthit. You know that that was
disappointing. That was a wholebunch of nothing. And and I have
had people who, at the end ofthis this framework, have are
(25:38):
having less sex, less like,number wise, it's less sex, but
it is more aligned and pleasurefilled sexual activity for them,
which is fabulous. So again,like the this book or my goal
isn't to have people having moresex. It is to know who you are
as a sexual being. Because whenyou know who you are as a sexual
(25:58):
being, and you are enacting andall of these pillars
authentically and truthfully,then all of your connections
with yourself and with each ofthese topics, and then with
other people are so much morevaluable to who you are, which
feeds your vibrancy and yourauthenticity. And then you have
this energy of it either fallsinto the like you know, the you
know, the trend with Melanieright now, if we don't give a
(26:20):
fuck, it either goes into thatlike, I love who I am and I just
don't give a fuck anymore, or itgoes into like, I really give a
fuck now, and I am going toprotect this part of me and who
I am and I'm good, and I feel Ifeel good in my new skin, yeah,
and that's what has happened tome This year, is that I've had
to really figure out who, who isthe new sexual person that I've
(26:44):
become through through instantmenopause and and it took me a
while to get here, and I knowthat if I hadn't done this work
before, this year would havefelt incredibly scary, instead
of a journey, that I had a lotof self trust, because agency
builds a lot of self trust, andI do so much work in agency with
(27:07):
people and in my own work, thatwhen I felt lost, which I did
feel lost some this year, Ididn't feel lost and untethered.
I felt lost in not having myanswers, but I I had a belief in
myself I'd get to the answersand and that I knew when I, when
I when I can course correct. Iknow what agency feels like, and
(27:30):
I know what sexual agency feelslike, and That's home. That's
home to me. I want that for foreveryone,
Colette Fehr (27:38):
right? And figuring out what it looks like
for you at your stage of life,like what brings you pleasure
and joy and a sense ofaliveness, we're kind of
redefining what it is to be asexual being. And I think one
difference for a lot of women atmidlife, and maybe a lot of us
(27:59):
are still on this journey, ormaybe it's a never ending
journey, but there's so much forwomen in conditioning, about
sexual performance and having toplease your partner, and the
focus being on that right? Thefocus of sex is on orgasm. It's
on completion. It's on beingtitillating and arousing to your
(28:20):
partner and behaving in a way asa woman that's sexual, that
conforms to a very, at leasthistorically pornographically
driven ideal of how women shouldbehave sexually. So there's so
much conditioning in youryounger life, and you're so
rewarded for behaving in thoseways. And I'm I'm speaking about
(28:43):
more of heterosexualrelationships, because that's
been my own personal experienceas a heterosexual woman. I'm
sure these are these dynamicsappear in some fashion for
people in all kinds ofrelationships. But just speaking
to my experience and what I hearother women saying that at
midlife, I think, with thereduction of estrogen, the
(29:03):
exhaustion and the confidencethat comes for a lot of us, of
knowing who we are, more knowingour worth, not having so much of
it tied to male approval ifyou're heterosexual, so now
there's less desire to likedance around and perform like a
porn star, and make sex allabout that which it shouldn't
have been in the first place.
And now it's like, okay, there'sthis vacuum. Like, if I allow
(29:26):
myself to be seen and to let goof just holding space and to let
go of performing what actuallyturns me on? What do I like?
Right back to the yums andyucks. Like, what would it be
like to just be present in themoment and learn, for some
women, maybe for the first timeat this stage of life, what
(29:48):
actually is pleasurable to you?
And like you said, hopefully, ifyou're partnered, you have a
partner who wants to be on thatjourney with you, but I think
for. So many women, it's sodeeply ingrained that sex is a
performance, and it's aboutgiving pleasure to that other
person, and then you've, like,done a good job. Now you can get
(30:12):
in your pajamas and read yourbook because you've taken care
of that task. You've performedwell, it's over, and now you're
left in peace. So this is reallythe opposite of all of that, of
saying like, Okay, what am I andwhat do I want to be, and how do
I feel alive if I'm not cateringcompletely to what's expected of
(30:36):
me by society, by a partner, bymy old beliefs, my old outdated
beliefs. It can be a bigunpacking and a big shift.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (30:47):
It can be and again, going back to your
WHY it there's there's, therenot a lot of spaces in which to
do this kind of work. People whodo the work don't often talk
about it, so you're just notlike sitting around for girls
night or for coffee, although Ialways encourage people to do
that, to share it and to make tonormalize those conversations.
Colette Fehr (31:09):
I also girls a girls sex party entry.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (31:13):
Yes, I love doing those. Those are some of
my favorites. I also thinkthere's not a lot of space to
celebrate. And I think one ofthe things that happens, and I
try to do this in my frameworkand work that I do, is just like
we have on one side, thecontinuum of like, mourning and
grieving, perhaps our pastsexual selves or what we what we
the disconnect between where weare and where we want to be.
(31:36):
There's also the continuum oflike, sometimes when you when
you get partnered or aremarried, the rules become you
can't talk about your sex lifeat all anymore. You can't talk
about problems because that'sdisrespectful to your partner,
right? And you can't celebrateand be like, we just have the
best sex life. Not you kidding,but you can't do anything at
all. It becomes even moresecretive in a sacred way that's
different, which then really is,is really not good for our
(32:00):
sexual culture, or for ourcontinued sex education, because
we have to have sex educationthrough our lifespan, because
it's constantly changing. Yeah,so I like to give space for
celebration, and sometimes thatstarts with and I know I so I
talk so much about yucks andyums, but it really is such a
pivotal part that if you don'thave that building block is, is
(32:21):
one of the first steps that youknow, to do, then it's really
hard to build upon anything thatis going to be substantive and
authentic. I love it. I love itwhen, again, we'll just speak
about women, but I love it withall genders. When someone says,
okay, you know, I would reallylike to, I think I want to peg
somebody or whatever. The thingis, I can't
Unknown (32:45):
believe I said it like, what do you think? Fabulous,
great.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (32:51):
Know about it? You know? What do you think
about it? Like, did you just seeit in hunting wives, they did a
scene. It was great. Like,whatever it is and whatever it
again, I'm not trying now. I'mnot trying now. I'm not trying
to be to go the opposite andsay, now we're just talking
about sex acts. But there is apoint that we we do talk about
sex acts. It is one of thepillars.
Colette Fehr (33:09):
And wait, Juliana, what is peg pegging? It? I
don't, I don't. So shame me fornot knowing what
Laura Bowman (33:20):
pegging a little more creative with yourself.
Colette Fehr (33:24):
No, I don't want to be more creative with my
remember we talked about fistinglast time I learned what fisting
was in our episode on the yumsand yucks. But I don't know what
pegging is
Laura Bowman (33:35):
great, and sure, I could define it either, go
ahead, Juliana,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (33:39):
remember we welcome, I don't know. And those
Colette Fehr (33:41):
Yes, fabulous and being curious and learning,
yeah, learning
Dr. Juliana Hauser (33:45):
and figuring out something is a no for you,
fabulous, we celebrate all ofthat. So pegging, there's,
there's different kind of,different forms, but in essence,
it is using, like a strap on adildo and and performing anal
sex that way. And the typicalstereotypic definition is a
woman wearing a strap on dildoand pegging a male and having
(34:10):
sex in their anus.
Unknown (34:13):
I don't know what it is. Women
Dr. Juliana Hauser (34:17):
can do it to each other. I mean, like,
there's all different things.
There's different areas.
Colette Fehr (34:20):
Sure, you can take your dildo into lots of
locations, lots of No. And Ithink if that's your thing, I am
all for it. I have a visceralyeah to that. I don't Yeah,
like, that's just not for me.
But I think that's the knowing,right? Like, I felt an immediate
knowing in my body. And it's notI could feel a difference from I
(34:42):
have no judgment about it, trulythat, like, if you want to do
that, I just have a viscerallike, ooh, that wouldn't be a
turn on for me. So I thinkthat's even like, the point of
this is that there might besomething you've never heard of
that your body just goes. Goes,Oh, that is kind of like I feel
a little bit aroused by that, orintrigued by that idea, or your
(35:05):
body goes, Yeah, nope, no way.
Like, no matter whatconditioning and happened in
society, if suddenly every housewas pegging, people were petting
in public, I would be the onenon pegger, right? So I've
learned that, just like Ilearned I don't want to fist. I
think what I'm learning is I'mjust not like, an anal per like,
(35:28):
I'm not interested in the analarea. Yeah,
Laura Bowman (35:31):
I'm glad the world knows that now I'm okay with
that. What's coming up for me,and we've talked about it on
other episodes, is that women,and I'm guilty of this too, is
like we press the same buttons,we have the same pathways. We
have the same pathways sometimesto feel sexual. We have some of
the same pathways to orgasm. Andwhen those pathways either no
(35:54):
longer work, no longer hit thesame or we lose creativity.
Yeah, and like, the door closes.
So, like, I love the permissionstructure you're giving of,
like, can we be creative? Isthere, like, is there another
way to feel alive, to get intoyour sexuality, to play? And,
yeah, yeah, it
Dr. Juliana Hauser (36:19):
is. It's that that beautiful relationship
between what the what happensinside the bedroom, happens
outside the bedroom, outsideinside that that that
stereotypic phrase, and it'sactually something I think is
quite powerful, if you're usingdifferent terminology with it,
is that I think it informs, sowhat is overtly sexual can
inform what isn't, and whatisn't can inform what it is, or
(36:41):
overtly sexual and and I alsothink in the permission it is to
give yourself, to give yourselfthe ability to change, and to
give yourself the ability to beconstant in that. So an example,
I'll go back to pegging the Ilove just saying that just
casually,
Colette Fehr (36:57):
yes, let's keep talking about pegging part of
becoming
Dr. Juliana Hauser (37:01):
certified in a sexual educator, counselor,
therapist through thisorganization called ASAC is that
you have to go through thiscourse called a SAR. And when I
did it the first time, it was2005 and the they could all be
different, but it was basicallytwo days of watching porn, but
(37:21):
there was a pegging scene andand I remember it distinctly. It
was the only thing that I sawthat I was like, Oh no, no, no,
no, no, no. That's this doesn'tturn me on. And I didn't have a
lot of words as to why it was ano, but I said things like, oh,
it just doesn't feel masculineto me. And when I look back on
what I said, I was like, I'm abit horrified by by what my
(37:44):
viewpoint was, but I'm proud ofmyself for owning what was a no
for me, and I knew what I knewof myself, and I was the only
one in the group that didn'tthink it was sexy. I check in
with myself and think so. 20years ago, this was visceral no
for me, and it is no longer I nolonger had that same reaction.
(38:04):
And that doesn't matter. Itwouldn't matter if it was the
same now for 20 years or not, orwhat the sex tech we're talking
about, but what, what I loved inmy own self reflection was that
I it was so natural for me nowto check in with my yes or no to
that, and it wasn't back then,and that's the growth for me,
not the answer. It's right? Andthat's how the book is like.
(38:26):
It's It's the process, not thedestination, right? And who we
are as sexual beings, whetherit's about a sex act or about
where you are conceptualizingyourself as a sexual being,
right? I'm just asking everyone,please do not overlook that the
process of examining who you areas a sexual being is, it's not a
luxury. It's really a necessity.
And if you are going to befocusing on your who you are in
(38:48):
your overall wellness, and youdon't address who you are as a
sexual being, then you aremissing a huge piece of who you
are and and it's, it's a shame,and we're having a lot of, I
think, consequences in ourrelationships, in our bodies,
and culturally, because we
Laura Bowman (39:07):
are, yeah, I mean, what's coming up for me, as
you're saying all this is like,now we've culturally put
everything on the buffet andsays, like, go through the
buffet, take what you want. Youknow, pegging is a thing. People
do it. If you are into it, playwith it. But I think a lot of
women, I know a lot of women,are like people like me, do X,
(39:31):
Y, Z, people, you know, peoplelike me and so like they their
sexualities are very walled off.
And it's like they're not evenwilling to sort of see the
buffet they're like, no, no, I'mthe type of person who I see
people with those rigididentities in all kinds of
areas, but I don't think a lotof people let themselves go
(39:53):
through the buffet line. Is whatI'm
Colette Fehr (39:56):
saying. Right? I agree. Right.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (39:59):
No. Yes, no, they don't even walk into the
buffet room,
Colette Fehr (40:02):
right? Order off the menu the same thing they've
gotten at that restaurant andthat like, right?
Laura Bowman (40:07):
That's salad with chicken on it. That's what I
asked Yes,
Colette Fehr (40:11):
and it's and it's like, there's a whole buffet in
there. What if there's somethingin that buffet that you love,
that you wouldn't even know ifyou don't explore with
curiosity,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (40:22):
right? And I when and when I encounter that
dynamic, where I like to go issafety and and because I think
what that feels like familiarityfeels safe, yeah, and something
new does not feel safe. And so Ilike to explore outside of a
sexual context. How doessomebody try new things? And I
(40:43):
don't want to make them wrong,because there isn't anything
wrong with room service ordoing, you know, the same
chicken touching every singletime at Friday nights like I
get, I get that too, because Ialso don't want to to say that,
you know, hanging from therafters and doing X, Y and Z is,
again, the right kind ofsexuality. I'm just asking
(41:04):
people to ask and, and if, andif you have the No, understand
what your no is. I love doingthis discussion in groups,
because I think there's a lot ofpower and growth that can happen
when here we just three of us,and I was, I think we may have
three different views on somethings, and, and it's so
powerful to be able to say, Oh,this is me next to someone who's
(41:24):
like, that is not me. And we'reall like, cool, right, right?
And it's all good. We're not.
None of us are wrong, right? Andmaybe we can learn something or
or, you know, again, like, Ithink some of the most powerful
places have been when someone isbeing has said yes to something
for so long, and they finallysay no, and they and they, they,
they don't go into that roomanymore. I think that's just as
(41:45):
powerful and so again, likeit's, it is question with
curiosity, not judgment, thereasoning behind your yeses and
nos if you are in any way opento the process of examination,
then, then step, make that firststep, just even if it's just a
(42:10):
toe into it, and find other safepeople to have those
conversations with. And thatshould be curiosity. It should
be celebration. It should besaying no to things. It should
it should be a whole buffet ofoptions for yourself. And I
think it's also, or at least forme, like, you know, I love I ask
people to to have, like, a fuckit list and, and a fuck it list
(42:34):
of, and I know it's playing onthe words of it being sex but I
like when we go through all ofthe nine pillars, like, what is
your dream list for all of this?
And this is something we weretalking about before we started
recording, which is in midlife,the time is now, and a lot of
things. And I know I think aboutthat for my physical health and
(42:56):
my Hormonal Health and mycareer, I also do that for my
sexual self. Now I do hope, if Ilive a long life, I hope that I,
you know, at 90, am stillsexual, or still whatever I
whatever that means for me atthat point, I still feel that, I
hope that I'm sexually active atsome point. But I I also feel
like there is, there is a limit,or there limitations that come
(43:21):
as we're aging of who we are, asour sexual selves? And there
are, like, I just, I've been,I've moved, and so I've been
packing and unpacking things,and I found this box, and I
found this picture of me in abikini, and I was like, Oh God,
I did not appreciate that body.
I Why didn't I take a betterpicture of myself and that? And,
you know, like, that was too faraway. Like, I would have just
like, stood front and center forthat picture now. And then I was
(43:44):
like, oh, Jillian, like, whatare you doing with your body
right now? What are you thinkingabout that? And, you know, I
went through the whole, thewhole conversation and, and
maybe think about now, becausein that same day, I had a
conversation with a woman who's15 years older than me, and
she's like, you know, I hear youtalking about, you know, the
time being now and is times todo these things in your career
(44:04):
and who you are as a sexualbeing. And she's like, you're a
baby to me and, and I'm like, Ifeel that same way, like I've
got time taken, I've got sex Iwant to be having. I've got
career stuff I want to be doing.
And I'm 70, and I I encourageyou to do it. Do it now. That's
Laura Bowman (44:22):
a great message, yeah. Like, I need to hear that,
Dr. Juliana Hauser (44:24):
yeah. And I look back at this, my 30 year
old self in this bikini, and I,I didn't know the concept of
time in that way. And as I saidbefore, like, actually, the love
of my life, he was a lot in thisbook, died not long after that
photo. He took that picture ofme, and I didn't obviously know
that was happened, was going tohappen, and, and, and we don't
(44:45):
know the good things that aregoing to happen too, but I I
think it, I think it's fun andit's creative, and it's helpful
to even like, what kind ofthings as a sexual being do I
want to do now, and some of thatwill be sex. Sucks. So like, if
you like cowgirl, which is beingon top, and like you and your
(45:06):
knees don't work like they usedto, then it's time to do it now,
or it's time to figure outpillows on how to do it. And
it's like, let's say and that'sthe last time that we do that
position, and we say goodbye toit, and we find the position
that we like now, or it's who weare as a sensual being that it's
(45:26):
like, this is my chapter of whoI am as a sensual being, or who
I am in in my desire and and whodo you want to be? Because time
is ticking, and there's nogreater time, frankly, in our
culture than to to positionsexuality as an a pivotal part
of who we are, and to claim iton our own selves, because it's
(45:49):
if we're going to change thesexual culture, it starts with
with you and and the way wechange, in my eyes, our sexual
culture is that we position aculture of sexual agency that
doesn't oppress others, it alsodoesn't glorify others and and
that is an inside job that ifmore people keep doing it, and
it doesn't mean that we have ahomogeneous way of looking at
(46:11):
who we are as a sexual being,but if we have sexual agency as
the connecting factor, then weshift. We get more of our rights
back. We get more ownership, andwe have more authentic
connections. And what I've seenis it reduces the negativity
that comes along with sexualbehavior and mindset when you
(46:31):
are rooted in sexual agency andand the time is now to learn
that if you haven't already,
Laura Bowman (46:38):
oh my god, I could listen to you talk about that
all day like this is likeinspiring to me.
Colette Fehr (46:43):
That is the most inspiring, powerful note to end
on. I'm so glad you said that.
So tell everyone where they canfind you, where they can find
your book, all that good stuff,because the book is the place to
start with all of this.
Dr. Juliana Hauser (46:59):
Yeah. Thank you. So it is going to be on,
you know, the online platformsand Amazon, Barnes and Noble
also, you can go to my websiteat Dr julianna.com and there is
a place to buy it on there, itwill link you to whatever you
can choose on my website, whatonline source that you will buy
(47:20):
the book, and my book is onlygoing to be online, and then I'm
going across the country, andwe're even now starting to look
at outside of the country. Onething I wanted to say about that
I decided to put in this book isthat there's QR codes that I
have at the end of the pillars.
And in the end of the pillars,you'll take your phone do the QR
code, and it's going to take youto my website, and you'll hear
(47:41):
other stories. So there's onlyso much you could fit in a book,
and I really wanted people tohear other stories, to
understand more about what whatstories they would bring forward
with each of it and and withinthat, there's going to be a
capability for you to write, towrite your own story, write it
to me, write it down, to to thewebsite, to share it with
others, and you can do itanonymously, confidentially, or
(48:02):
you can do it publicly. And I'mvery excited to interact with
people and have people sharingwho they are, and I will be
putting on the platform. Itcomes out September 23 and I'm
really, really excited to put ineveryone's
Colette Fehr (48:18):
hands. Well, we can't wait. And the book is a
new position on sex by DrJulianna Houser, go grab a copy
online ASAP. Go get it. I'veread it. It's amazing. You're
amazing. Thank you so much forbeing here. Always thought,
anytime, yes, yes, yes, we wantto have you back again soon
(48:41):
after your worldwide tour, andI'll learn a new sex act that
probably my little vanilla selfdoesn't want to do, but that's
great. I love it. I welcome itall. So thank you so much.
Thanks to all you guys forlistening. We hope you got some
great insights from our couchtoday, and we'll see you next
time Bye guys, you.
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