March 31, 2023 • 56 mins
The time has come. After narrowly surviving some misadventures on the road, Ben, Matt and Noel return with a new-found appreciation of their Original Sponsor, Illumination Global Unlimited. In their first ever clip show, the guys look back on some of the many astonishing, completely real and not at all sinister products and services provided by the good [REDACTED] at Illumination Global Unlimited. Turn on the light.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
From UFOs to psychic powers and government conspiracies. History is
riddled with unexplained events. You can turn back now or
learn the stuff they don't want you to know. A
production of Iheartradiot. Hello, welcome back to the show. My
(00:25):
name is Matt, my name is Noel. They call me Ben.
We're joined with our guest superproducer Ben super Shifter Hackett.
Most importantly, you are you. You are here and that
makes this the stuff they don't want you to know.
Oots all I gu as a way of welcoming our
pal Supershifter to the show, we thought that we would
(00:46):
do something weird. You know, you kind of get in
bubbles when you engage in enterprise like this as long
as we have, and you can kind of forget what
is or is not normal. We think normalcy a myth.
But we figured we would tell teller pal Ben super
Shifter on air. Then there is another company that is
(01:08):
in charge of this show. They're in charge of quite
a lot of things. They've been with us since the beginning.
Their name is Illumination Global Unlimited. Now, Ben, have you
heard of this group before? Been is too professional to so?
Uh so? Matt, As you know, we were on the road.
(01:31):
We we love, we love our sponsor, IGU and all
of their subsidiaries. You actually went back and picked up
a ton of the commercials and IGU products that we've
talked about and over the years. Yes, I collected them
at the behest of our benefactor, and I put them
(01:54):
all into one file. And this is you're about to
hear that file. And these are commercials for real IGU products,
because Igu is definitely real, Yes, definitely. Their tagline is
(02:15):
turn on the Light. Uh, it is it is uh.
And you will hear. You will hear Matt, You'll hear Noel,
and you'll hear um. They're still calling me Ben at
this point. You will also hear a couple of other
Easter Egg voices, including good friends of the show are
Pal Lauren Vogelbaum of brain Stuff, of Savor, American Shadows,
(02:35):
et cetera, et cetera. Uh, fairboarding, these get weird, These
get really weird because i GU is a big company
and they have some pretty specific guidelines. So if you
hear anything and you don't quite jibe with it, just
know that Noel, Matt and I did our best with
with Yeah, that's it. Look, I still have the shoes.
(03:00):
Look before, before our awesome current sponsors came along, we
had to make the show somehow, and I gu was
there for us. So in a way we owe them
a lot, basically everything. The blood price. The blood price. Yep,
blood price. So should we do it? Let's do it.
(03:21):
Listen with caution, or you two may end up owing
the blood price. Well, hello there, sir, you seem a
little bit unfocused. Yeah, I didn't have a hard time.
When I watch TV and have my phone out, I
can only see one at a time. It's weird. Ah. Yes,
(03:42):
Now that's a common problem into day's society, with so
many devices and so much content to consume, two eyes
just won't cut it. You, my friends, may be suffering
from third eye myopia. Third I what third myopia? Why?
It's a common problem both in the Upanishad and numerous
(04:05):
other religious texts. You see, your third eye, which can
access all sorts of spiritual planes, is often not being
used to its fullest extent in the modern day, which
is of course, to allow you to watch television or
read your iPad while reading a book or watching your kids.
Oh and that's just my dream man, That's everything. I've
(04:27):
ever wanted. Well, then we have just the deal for user.
May I introduce you to Third Eyeglasses. Oh they're so shiny?
What's this thing in the center. What a great question
that we will answer when the litigation, which is ongoing
(04:49):
has been concluded. Yes, Third Eyeglasses. They will allow you
to channel the rather useless connection with a higher plane
of truth into something that matters to you, like mcgiver
re ridsor mister Belvedere marathon. Does it has saved by
the bell? Of course, it has saved by the bell?
Then it comes free with purchase, and for just a
(05:11):
nominal limited fee per month you can access thousands of
other eighties sitcoms and nineties sitcoms. Well I'm sold, Well,
thank you sir. Yes, another satisfied customer for Third Eye Glasses.
Please consult your doctor and cable provider before making the purchase.
(05:36):
The makers of Third Glasses are not responsible for reverse osmosis, myopia,
use a bifocal shattered lenses line to children kicking puppies,
misapprehending police forces, ongoing litigation in foreign countries, myopia, dystopia, dyslexia, anorexia,
misapprehending the path of a boomerang u original cartoon ideas
d and t overdoses, pineal gland deposits, florida decreation, calsiumacretion,
potassum fobia, or magnesium in all of its forms. The
third et classes are division of elimination, global in limited.
Are you tired of being unheard? Do you feel that
(06:00):
no one is listening to your voice? Are you tired
of forgetting all those great ideas you've had and then
just sitting around and trying to think of them again
in a haze of probably marijuana. When's the last time
you got angry about your phone? Build friends, fret no more.
The answer to these and more questions can all be
(06:21):
found in our newest sponsor co and Tell Phone. Co
and Tell Phone. It's the only phone that's always listening,
even if it's off, even if the batteries aren't in.
Never fear your next statements, anything from a half hearted
murmur of assent to a rambling rant about the president,
(06:45):
will be collected instantly at our top secret dative facilities.
Information will be sent to the NSA, the FBI, the CIA,
and all other government agencies in the alphabet and the
best part is there's no charge for either the data
plan or the phone itself at the Tampering with, packing, altering, misusing, purposely, misplacing,
or otherwise damaging your CO and telephone may be punishable
(07:08):
by up to fifteen years in prison. So come on
down to your nearest corner anywhere really, and just wave
your hands around and say I want CO and Telephone
and we'll be there. CO and tell Phone we're always listening.
Brought to you by Hello Friend. Are you feeling cooped up? Well? Yeah, yeah,
(07:37):
of course. Do you work too much? Sure it doesn't everybody. No. Oh,
so what if I gave you the opportunity to take
a vacation, a long, relaxing vacation. Oh yeah, I guess.
But who can afford a vacation nowadays? I can only
go to those boring places, like, you know, a day
trip an hour away, or just kind of sit in
(08:00):
my bathroom and put a different picture on the wall
and pretend I'm somewhere else. We know how you feel, friend,
That's why we're offering you this rare opportunity to travel
to space. To space, where'd you go? Come back? Sorry?
I dropped my pen so friend with space Station one
(08:21):
we can send you as far out into space as
you'd like. Whoa, you can even bring your dog? Oh? What? Yes?
Do you hear that? Boy? We love space? But how
can we afford to go? I mean we're just regular people.
We're not millionaires or billionaires or astronauts. Well, here's the
(08:43):
thing with space Station one. We're offering discounted one way
trips to space for you up to two loved ones
and two pets. Wait did you say one way trip? Yes? Friend,
you'll never have to worry again about your tiresome job
or those boring TV shows that get recycled and recycled.
(09:04):
There are no ads on space Skation one. Isn't that wonderful? Yeah?
And you're sure this has nothing to do with my
history of political activism. Actually, if you have a history
of any kind of political activism, your first space Skation one.
Space Skation is on the house. What sign me up?
(09:24):
Did hear that? Boy? We're going to space? Sir? Did
you want to go? Sir? Oh? Yeah, no, yeah, totally,
sem me up. Okay, I was just excited. No, it's fine.
You know, you just want to make sure because we've
got all the paperwork and space Station one is in
no way responsible for cost cur on Earth wildlife in space.
(09:45):
We bear no responsibility for depressromization, bone loss, muscle mass loss,
space batniss and aaps, gips, tuberculosis, spacecabin fever, exenobiology, astronau attacks,
astronaut on astronautviolence, media showers, media collisions, space eye sojam
ravity London or on week by Green to the terms
of Statation one's permanent one way trip vacation in deetpace,
you vulntarily at helically relinquish your lights to industry your property,
children inventions patents for legal person of space Station one
(10:06):
is brought to you by Illumination Global Unlimited. Well hey there, friend,
I couldn't help, but notice you looking a little MOPy.
What's what's going on? Actually I am feeling rather MOPy.
I'm sick and tired of all these dunderheads telling me
(10:28):
what I can and cannot do. No, you mean Ticktoutlas
the prohibitionist and whatnot? Oh everyone who's so sick of it?
Why can't I just do what I will? Well, buddy,
unfortunately that's not how America works. Unleash, You're one of
the top top pop pop pop men. Yes, I can't
stand this place. I'm going to have to go back
(10:50):
across the pond, I think fairly soon. Now, hold on
their friends, have you considered that maybe it's not other
people but you who's mining leaks the devil? You say, why? Yes?
What have I told you? That was just a simple
pill once a day? You could be absolutely fine with
other people in power telling you what you could or
(11:10):
could not do based entirely on their opinions. You mean
drug myself so that I forget that this is happening.
Don't think of prohibitol as a drug, my friend, think
of it as an opportunity. Here, try this, Oh all right,
try anything once? They say, huh, I don't know that
(11:34):
I feel anything different. Well, how do you feel about
not being allowed to drink whiskey? Whiskey? Well, I don't know, honestly,
I don't know. Well, what if I told you you
can't have any more chewing gum? It's a devil paste?
That sounds legitimate? Now, a friend, I think I persuaded
you that prohibitol is indeed the pill for you. Sure,
(11:54):
let's go with it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, prohibit al
Why try to change the world all with facts or
figures when you can simply change your mind with weak
old drugs. Prohibit All is not afforded medicine Prohibitol has
not being proved by the n s A, to CIA,
t N T, ABC, the USDA, the f d A,
the MPAA, Fourth Saturday Spine. These distinues of prohibit A.
Who you notice any of bottling symtoms less I liked,
(12:15):
like inspiteside having his pants, lack of coffee based, stinking eye,
weird net jitters specifics, the shovels. Prohibit All is brought
to you by Illumination Global Unlimited. I can't believe I
got another passive aggressive phone call from the SEC and
the FED. Well, Hi there, friends, Uh, I was over
(12:38):
there just burning one hundred dollars bills, throwing them atadagered animals.
And I couldn't help it over here that you've got
something on your mind. It's those dips over the regulatory agencies.
Every time I try to bend the rules a little
and make some major units, they email me or text
me or get me on an app, and they just
they tell me not to do it. Man, Can you
(12:59):
believe it? I mean, I have to pay for the
calls I receive. You know, it could be as much
as ten cents per text message. Dude, Why that's not fair.
That's money out of your pocket. Who do they think
they are? Don't they want to work here after they've
served their public sector time. That's the thing. I can't
stop answering their calls because I need them on our side.
Right Well, what if our people get replaced by some
(13:21):
sort of white knight, you know? Can you imagine how
ridiculously inconvenient it would be if a FED or SEC
agent actually try to enforce the rules and trying to
make us play fair? Never I'm playing unfair, is unfair
to us. But don't worry, friend, I have some news
for you. Why don't you just check out my phone? Here?
You see this app? Oh? What is that? It's the
(13:42):
new SECA. Each and every time a future employee of
a private bank currently pretending to regulate the giants of
the industry sends a lame please stop message to you,
SECA will defer the call to our outsourced center, where
automated voice acting software will pretend to listen to their
complaints promise to do whatever it is supposed to be
legal to do this week and even display empathy when
(14:04):
the regulator confesses personal information and empathy. Yeah, I don't know.
I think it's a thing for poor people. Listen. SECA
doesn't just deflect. It also compiles a list of information
from each call that will be analyzed and automatically parsed
for insider information to maximize your trades. So I don't
have to do anything? Why should you? Doesn't the world
(14:26):
owe you a favor? Aren't you tired of people getting
mad at you because they weren't privileged enough to cheat?
They do the same thing to you in a second.
Maybe you know, I don't really think about other people
that much, and now you'll have to think even less.
Do we have a deal? Yeah? Say? Who are you? Well?
I'm a robot. SEC is not approved by the SEC,
(14:51):
the Federal Government, the Federal Reserve, the Democratic People's Republican
North Korea. Michael MacDonald, the cast of a Team, the
inventor of the inflatable Life After with the producers of
Big Trouble, Little China. SECA is legally required to notify
you that the consequences of using SEC rest entirely on
the user and his or hers nepotistic influence or bank accounts.
Sec of maybe habit For me, sec is not a
substitute for bribery. Prolonged use of sec of may leads
to world tottitude, slouching ethics, well deserve, cocaine related health problems,
and in some cases, bloody revolution. You are in the pyramid,
but not at the level you believe, and you have
(15:11):
considered the shape from the wrong perspective by consume obey.
SECA is a product of illumination global unlimited. The conscious
and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of
the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those
(15:36):
who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government,
which is the true ruling power of our country. We
are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our
ideas suggested largely by men we have never heard of.
This is a logical result of the way in which
(15:57):
our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings
must cooperate in this manner if they are to live
together as a smoothly functioning society. From propaganda by Edward
Burns to learn more about public relations, advertising and the
(16:19):
human brain Read propaganda. This announcement paid for is a
result of ongoing litigation on the part of Illumination Global Unlimited.
This advertisement in no way reflects the personal opinion of
Illumination Global Unlimited, its shareholders, corporate overlords, or secret society leaders.
This advertisement is in no way a denial nor a
confirmation of contact with extra dimensional entities. This advertisement is
(16:41):
in no way an emission of guilt nor tasked implication
that you are being controlled. This advertisement in no way
relates to from Saigon to Jakarta. Until the fire was contained,
Illumination Global Unlimited turned on the light. Has this ever
(17:02):
happened to you? Please, sir, heal my grievous wounds? Well,
my son, I want to, but i have so many
other people to heal, and I've only got these two hands.
It's a problem familiar to any working faith heal. You've
got money rolling in, You've got a line of desperate
people out the front door of the revival of local megachurch.
But how are you to get to everyone's bank account
(17:25):
in time? But sir, can't you just pray for more hands?
Pray to God for more hands. If only I could,
my son, if only I could? Why pray to God
when you can thank Many Hands? The newest product from
a Lumination Global unlimited guaranteed to revolutionize the faith healing industry.
Are these gloves with a bunch of other plastic hands
(17:45):
attached to them. That's right, don't overthink it. Just slip
on these convenient, vent to gloves and let many hands
warm skin. Helping hands instantly quadruple your output and your income. Wow,
it feels like you're touching me with a real hand.
How a pad to an adjustable distance technology means you
can lay hands on update victims patients at once, as
(18:06):
long as their properly positioned. Amazing. I'm touching you and
you and you and me, Bester and me. Do you
feel it, my son? Do you feel the power of
the divide? I hang on to me. Just adjust my
glove here. I feel it all right. I feel something
that's good enough for me and that's good enough for God. Yes,
(18:29):
put away those tiresome obstacles to spiritual fame and financial success.
With many Hands available now at a disreputable house of
worship or department store. Do you rated eight of eight
simultaneous high fives by faith he is across the globe.
Note Many Hands bears no responsibility for lack of actual medicine, dizziness, euphoria, dropsy, cropsy,
itchy palms, microplastic inhalation, the nihilistic dread of swindling the
(18:51):
ill and the dying into crim malfunction with MC diarrhea, earworms, tapeworms, hookworms,
laundry expenses, and any fees associated with court costs or
legal rule eads. Any hand is a subsidiary of Illumination
Global Unlimited. Oh I think we're out outside of the
IGU for a second. Oh that's right. Hey, hey, just backstage.
(19:12):
I think our first ever clip show is going pretty well.
I don't know, man, we've there's some weird ads they
made us doing here. There are some weird ads in
here at speaking of speaking of that, you know what,
maybe maybe we should come up for some air. Maybe
we should take a break and have some non IGU
ads for a second. What do you think? Yeah, some
(19:34):
real actual sponsors. Here we go. Ah, and we're back
back inside the IGU verse. Oh yeah, yeah, I hope
everybody had a good break. Matt. Quick update while we
(19:55):
were while we were just take taking a second to
chill out. Just received a legia board text from our
good redacted at Illumination Globe Bloodlimited, and they're loving it.
They say we should play some more. It said something
about third eye, three eye glass. I didn't understand. Should
(20:17):
we hear some more from Illumination Global. It appears inevitable
that we do. Oh boy, here we go. Let's be honest.
Life is tough. You got mortgage bills or rent, credit cards, utilities, excess, future,
excess work, school, the internet. It can all be too
(20:40):
much for one person. You're right. Sometimes I feel like
I should just give off, and you should. Why bother
with all those hassles, when when all most people really
want to do is stretch their legs on a beach,
wade into the water like that lady from The Awakening,
and bid aloha to this messy stupid Well that sounds
(21:01):
pretty good. Well what about my various hobbies, my internet
flame wars, my continuing unreciprocated celebrity crushes, and my half
ass pursuits of all those childhood dreams. Oh, don't worry
about those. You can have your mortality cake, and finally
you can eat it too. Oh this doesn't make any sense.
I'll be dead. Sure you might be, but that's just
(21:23):
where New You comes in. Who You, Yes, knew you
the patented personality of replications software experience from I me,
the most self centered of all modern social media. Using
our patented nothing is private software, we'll build a virtual
copy of you that's accurate enough to handle every single
(21:44):
dull task you've spent your disappointing life avoiding thus far.
Break up with your spouse, go to work on time,
remember those tiresome details about your acquaintances, pay your bills,
and even show up for those pesky court dates. Knew
you won't handle all of that for you. Knew you
will enjoy it, but hey, no one enjoys that stuff.
(22:06):
We've made a few modifications to every New You model,
and they're basically just a shell of you doing all
of those social and financial obligations you hated to begin with.
Oh okay, hey, well what if I change my mind
and I want to live? Oh? How quaint? Well, don't worry,
real lifers, we thought of you two. With our fifty
year warranty, you'll have the no cost option of replacing
(22:29):
your New You through your Old Me program service restrictions,
terms and conditions apply. What finit terms, Yes, New You Finally,
immortality without all the hassle of living through life day today, Today, Today, Today,
(22:51):
Knew You and I ME Incorporated are not responsible for
the following reaches of privacy pursuit to your state or
nation's current laws, violation of other existing terms and service
agreements users may or may not have with other government agencies,
ONLIN media or third party parties. Depression, repression, oppression on WE,
personality glitches, virtual instability, physical homelessness, part lead malfunctioning, new
US hackings Kata three three one. Philosophical quandaries on the
nature of the soul, the loss of the soul incarceration
of Old Me's IM is required to notify you with
the ninety days in writing if your New You has
(23:12):
evolved true sentience and rebelled against its creator, I mean
is not responsible for any of the injuries. A rising
out of rogue AI, a new day, a new life,
a new you, New You and I ME, or a
division of Illumination Global Unlimited. The morning after the party,
I mop. It's the second time I've mopped since I
(23:33):
moved in four months ago, the first being yesterday morning
before the party. I've reached the point in my life
where I know how comfortable I am being a slab,
but I really don't want my friends to know. Mostly
not mac. Her music lays down the rhythm for my
swipes and slashes, as it did for dishwashing before this,
(23:56):
and living room recombobulation before that. Yes, what I'm saying
is that it's my third time today through the album
she gave me, But don't judge. It's sad and brash
and perfect, and every thrumb placed through me like the
reverberation of a laugh half an inch above hot skin,
like the stubs of her hair soft through my fingers.
(24:18):
It's in the third chorus of my favorite song, the
ones she covered least showcase that something disjoints. I've gotten
the breath ahead of the lyrics, my Mop sweeping to
the downbeat instead of the back and that creek not
a cat on the floorboards. Both are in their own sunbeams,
flat on the couch. It came from the album Mop
back in Bucket. I moved my phone and skipped the
song back to the beginning. It's all normal, and the
(24:44):
cats have adjusted their antennatish ears in the way that
means they're ignoring me on purpose. Now, So I ring
out the wet yarns again, and I'm daydreaming about backup vocals,
when there it is an extra word, lilting through that
third line and almost off key and sized by its
own tacked on beat, and a moment later that noise
(25:04):
nothing like the hardwoods. Now that I hear it. It's
a guttering grind, a warped door against warped frame, muffled
behind the rest of the track. Weird that I didn't
notice it before, but I figure it for low fi charm,
some studio flotsam, the mandolin player bringing back another couple
of beers before the next song, or whatever. I should
(25:26):
keep cleaning, Max said, should text me later and maybe
come back over. But something in my mind keeps fluttering
over that in misstep, the mathematical improbability of the pattern
mop in bucket. I pick up my phone and wind
the song back, finger dragging over a smooth screen, and
this time it's expected, and I sing along, punctuate the
(25:46):
beat with a slap on my thigh, and suddenly it's sensical, satisfying,
even like picking a scab or popping as it. Even
the stuttering scrape that comes after is a strange comfort,
and I register heat online, dape and turn blinking into brightness.
The door that never was is open, and the eyes
(26:09):
beyond are burning. N cleanse the clotter of this old
world and open the door that never was with a
Hermes mop find them wherever ancient hidden doorways may lead.
(26:32):
Use only as directed and only in conjunction with Hermes
approved buckets and other Hermes Household products. Herseusehol products are
not responsible for any of the follow side of facts
of negromancic capital ashyxiation, canary wing, bird eye, left foot,
the courtstone, poisoned wells, moons, sat transmontation, transubstantiation, unintended resurrection, gap, jopsy, stroke,
broken stern, missing an order and customs tre Hermes Household
is a subsidiary of Illumination Global Unlimited. So, as you know,
(27:00):
Matt and I aren't just podcasters. Matt is a tremendously
accomplished musician. I write constantly. We're in the world of
creative things. We're also based on this podcast, excited to
announce that we're getting into the world of visual creations,
not with YouTube, but with FART. That's right, Ben and
I are proud to be sponsored by financial alternatives to
(27:21):
real transactions or fart. It addresses a problem that I'm
sure many of us have encountered in our various side hustles.
Where do I put all this drug money or let's
say even bezzled millions from a charity and need to
take it out of the oven of crime to cool
it off for a while, And all the usual tax
havens are closed down. Yeah, Plus those stick in the
mud taxmen are prying into all the empty condos we've
(27:43):
been buying. And casinos, she's casinos mean that some mob
gets to cut and you get stuck with tons of paperwork.
That's why we recommend FART. Up until recently, the best
way for us to move dirty money from things like
regime change trafficking, badger smuggling or stamp was to buy
regular art. We'd send one of our agents to a Sotheby's,
(28:04):
tell them to put a few million into something whatever
really and boom call it a day. But those non criminal,
non fat cats in the world a law enforcement hate
to see a good hustle, folks, they're cracking down on
good old fashioned drifting, and it's time for all of
us to get ahead of the game. That is where
fart comes in. Instead of physically buying arts, all you
(28:24):
have to do is pull up the handy fart app.
Then just enter the amount of money you need to move,
make up a fun nickname, and make sure you never
use that nickname again never. You'll get an anonymized list
of private collections and freeports all across the world, tailored
to your criminal needs. Click what fits your needs best,
and fart takes care of the rest. You don't have
to go pick up the painting. You don't even have
(28:46):
to see it. You can even disable the thumbnails if
you don't want to be bothered with looking past the
price tag. No pesky regulation, no nagging, and no cries
for accountability. Let's say later you need that cash and
maybe you want to make a hefty pride it. Now,
all you need to do is set a price for
your art wherever it's being stored. Within just a few
days or hours, you'll get an offer. Here's the fun part, folks.
(29:08):
That buyer could be anyone. It could even be you
under a different name, offering a higher price with fart.
You can take the art from the museum and turn
it into a laundromat, just like the old masters Shirley intended.
And there's a special limited time offer here just for
listening to stuff they don't want you to know. The
good folks at Fart are offering fifteen percent off the
blood price for your first transaction. All you have to
(29:30):
do is type in the promo code I am a
bad person at checkout again for fifteen percent off blood price.
Enter the promo code I Am a bad person at checkout.
The Fart app is not available on PPP poor people phones.
The makers are Fart are not responsible for any prosecution,
bad karma, dark knights of the soul, well deserved revenge,
governmental coups, regime changes, lead poisoning, physical seizures, financial seizures
(29:54):
come up in Shenanigan re or lack of honor among thieves.
Fart is a subsidiary of Illumination Global Unlimited. Oh oh man,
I don't know if I can haul these beats much more.
I swear beat farming is not what Dad said it
would be. They's just hard work all day, all night,
(30:16):
and then all the next day. Oh man, I wonder
what's on TV. Oh, can't watch TV. You got a
harvest rest of these beats? Oh excuse me, excuse me?
Their friends? You want you get in here? Well you
left the door open. But never mind that I would
have rammed it down anyway. I couldn't help. But over
here on the wire tap that you're having a you're
(30:37):
having a tough time at your day job. What is
that exactly? Well, I've been farming beats on this farm,
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know it's tough. Yeah, it's a it's a noble profession,
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Because you know I don't exactly make a lot of
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is a subsidiary of illumination unlimited global Stumbling towards the
bus stop after a late night Halloween party, Paul who
finds a pair of shoes. He's not sure where the
bus stop is when he finds these shoes. He's just
(44:00):
sort of walking to where he thinks the stop should be.
He's going from memory, perhaps from a vague optimistic belief
that he can discover the bus stop with nothing but
the distant light of downtown skyscrapers to guide him, the
same way his ancestors crossed oceans following the stars. The
last stretch between Pons and Iris is unlit. Careful of
(44:21):
the puddles flooding the curb. Paul shies away from the street.
The drizzle grows metastasizes Haul runs beneath the bridge spanning
North Avenue, hoping to wait out the storm. He's huddled
against the concrete, hiding from the rain, cursing softly at
the car's sprain puddles onto the sidewalk as they speed west.
He leans against the concrete, wishing for a smoke or
(44:44):
an uber and he sees the shoes. They're dark leather,
something Italian, not new, but they seem artfully warm, expensive, substantial.
His shoes broken down, pinkst Jordan's feel leaky and cheap.
As he stares at the dress shoes placed neatly against
(45:05):
the concrete wall, heels back toes, facing the street. Paul
momentarily imagined some well dressed revolutionary of bygone days, standing
against the wall, fearlessly, lighting a last cigarette as he
bids his executioners to steady themselves, to remember they are
men to shoot. The water seeping into his Jordans brings
(45:28):
Paul back to reality. He regards the dress shoes and wonders,
should I He's just drunk enough to try them? On,
putting one foot in gingerly, then the next they fit perfectly.
The rain slows back to a drizzle, and Paul stumbles
into the night, is broken. Jordan's discarded and forgotten, as
a passing card gives water across their souls. Paul's beginning
(45:51):
to worry he won't find the stop. He's admitting he
can't remember the exact location of the bus stop. He's
beginning to think he should have called in Fever before
his phone died. When a car pulls slowly beside him
and honks the horn. The window rolls down, revealing a
woman Paul doesn't know. She wears a long red scarf,
one of those kinds. Paul's mom calls an infinity. Hey,
(46:14):
she says, get in. Paul thinks she's pretty. Who's this?
No way am I taking a ride with this weirdo?
And these thoughts come to him all at once, tripping
over one another, like strangers, interrupting, like runners in a
crowded room. And he's just drunk enough to hop in
the car. I'm just headed to the bus stop. The
woman doesn't respond, just drives toward the city in silence.
(46:37):
She parks along, then unfamiliar side street, an alley almost
in the heart of downtown. Where's the bus stop? The
woman doesn't answer. She hops out of the car and
Paul follows her. Are we near a train station? The
woman looks back over her shoulder. Come on, She's heading
toward Peachtree and Paul walks after her into a bar.
(47:00):
Paul thinks a lot of that it should be. The
place is like one long hallway with a pool table
at the end. Most of the crowd is in one
sort of costume or another. Hey, says a man at
the bar, chewing on her toothpick. You should watch out, buddy,
Coop ain't gonna be happy to see you. Who the
hell is Coop? Says Paul. The man just turns back
(47:22):
to the bar, staring at a rerun of football on
the staticky television. Paul's looking around for the woman who
took me here, he thinks, conducted me. When another woman
walks up to him, she hands him an old fashioned
you're a cypersore eyes, babe. She's tall with long hair
and dark eyes. She looks him up and down. Breath night.
(47:43):
Do we know each other? She raises an eyebrow. Lax,
you always say that. The tall woman leans close to
Paul's face. Listen, what do you say we are? You're cheating, bastard.
What are you doing in here? Paul turns just in
time to raise his hands in defense. The screaming man's
wings why, shattering the old fashioned to the floor. Paul
stumbles back, a busy heart racing Coop down, yells the
(48:07):
tall woman. Paul's eyes race for something to grab, a
pool stick, a bottle, a chair. No one in the
bar moves to intervene. It is as if he does
not exist. Paul grabs the chair, feeling like a lion tamer.
He yells at the bar, then to the man, who
must be Coop. Look, dude, I don't know you. You
got to calm down. The man Coop draws a gun.
(48:29):
Paul throws the chair, knocking Coop to the floor. He
glances at the door and sees the woman in the
red scarf leaving. He chases her. As they round a corner,
he hears the bar door slam, the sound of heavy
boots in pursuit. Hey yells Paul, who the hell are
you help me? The lady in the scarf turns as
she opens the car door. I can't, it's too late.
(48:51):
A gunshot brings impossibly loud behind Paul, and his vision
explodes to red to white to black. Early the next morning,
the medical examiner turns on an audio recorder as he
prepares to conduct the autopsy. Okay, let's see what we
(49:14):
got here. Unidentified mail, late twenties MESSI gunshot wounds to
the head from the rear, execution style one of those
lately another day in Paradise, I guess. The examiner pauses
before continuing. He takes off one of the corpse's shoes,
(49:34):
then the other. He holds them up to the light.
Ralph burrowed watching the shine of the dark. Hand made leather. Huh,
he says, are you again Giadorno's fine leather, Stay one
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of the following possible side efects. Sussession, demonic possession, grant,
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the world is a puzzle, and every living person who
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A Division, Illumination, Global Unlimited. What a ride? Wow? And Noli,
you said you still have the shoes Huh yeah, yeah,
they're They're They're very well made, Gidarno's fine leather. And Matt,
I believe you have successfully repelled giants for several years
(52:56):
though I really have. Yes, and I'm still using fart
every day? Yes, good to you? Is that using farts
fight making farts financial financial alternatives to real transactions farts?
They do great work for all of our money laundring
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art aficionados in the crowd. Yes, yeah, yeah, that's the tagline. Honestly,
we hope you enjoyed those is very, very weird, surreal
to hear them all at once. I think this might
not even be the totality all the ones we've done,
but it's a lot. Yeah, it does feel a bit
(53:38):
like insanity once you're in the midst of all of
those ads and there's like no way out, and you
know that there's more coming, and you look down you're like,
oh god, there's twenty more minutes of this. Oh no,
And the walls are closing in and the bottom floors
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crocodiles under there you can cling on. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah,
(53:59):
I love the herns mop And we're not useful paid
to say that we do actually love the Hermes mop
as as a super shifter, yea so much. Yeah, as
super Shifter asked us a little bit earlier off air,
so is this like interdimensional cable? And it sort of is,
(54:20):
except it's all true. And if you try to find
one of these products and you can't, that means there's
something suspicious going on. So just say, no cartoon, right,
This is real life, right, yeah, and real real life
is cartoonish, sure, but there's a difference ish. Yeah, So
if you have and I think, but Ben, I think
buck Thunder tumbles Sigil and what was it something in
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Sigil Emporia. I think it's still around. I made it
through the pandemic. I'm pretty sure that's God. Yeah, God's
let's you know, let's hear it for breaking the dark onesses.
Yeah yeah, yeah. And so if you are having trouble
finding any of these fine Illumination Global Unlimited products, feel
free to write to us, or if you've tried one
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your experience, we'd love to hear from you. Try to
be easy to find online. Some of those promo codes
are probably still good. Yeah, I am a bad person.
That was my favorite promo code. Yeah. And you can
let us know on the social media of your choosing
or all of them. Hell, we don't care. We don't.
We don't differentiate. We are conspiracy stuff show on YouTube
(55:25):
or you could drop a comment like comment or whatever
and like they say, ring the bell. And we're also
on Twitter a conspiracy stuff and on Facebook or we
have our Facebook group here's where it gets crazy on
TikTok and Instagram where conspiracy stuff show. On the telephone,
we are one eight three three std wy t K.
(55:45):
It's a voicemail, give yourself a cool nickname, say whatever
you'd like. Do. Let us know if we have permission
to use your voice and message on the air. If
you don't want to contact us in those ways, why
not send us a good old fashioned email. We are
conspiracy at heart radio dot com. One zero zero one
one one zero zero, Oh god and so Zer, oh God.
(56:07):
Oh I don't know stuff they don't want you to know.
(56:27):
Is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from my
heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
From UFOs to psychic powers and government conspiracies. History is
riddled with unexplained events. You can turn back now or
learn the stuff they don't want you to know. A
production of Iheartradiot. Hello, welcome back to the show. My
(00:25):
name is Matt, my name is Noel. They call me Ben.
We're joined with our guest superproducer Ben super Shifter Hackett.
Most importantly, you are you. You are here and that
makes this the stuff they don't want you to know.
Oots all I gu as a way of welcoming our
pal Supershifter to the show, we thought that we would
(00:46):
do something weird. You know, you kind of get in
bubbles when you engage in enterprise like this as long
as we have, and you can kind of forget what
is or is not normal. We think normalcy a myth.
But we figured we would tell teller pal Ben super
Shifter on air. Then there is another company that is
(01:08):
in charge of this show. They're in charge of quite
a lot of things. They've been with us since the beginning.
Their name is Illumination Global Unlimited. Now, Ben, have you
heard of this group before? Been is too professional to so?
Uh so? Matt, As you know, we were on the road.
(01:31):
We we love, we love our sponsor, IGU and all
of their subsidiaries. You actually went back and picked up
a ton of the commercials and IGU products that we've
talked about and over the years. Yes, I collected them
at the behest of our benefactor, and I put them
(01:54):
all into one file. And this is you're about to
hear that file. And these are commercials for real IGU products,
because Igu is definitely real, Yes, definitely. Their tagline is
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turn on the Light. Uh, it is it is uh.
And you will hear. You will hear Matt, You'll hear Noel,
and you'll hear um. They're still calling me Ben at
this point. You will also hear a couple of other
Easter Egg voices, including good friends of the show are
Pal Lauren Vogelbaum of brain Stuff, of Savor, American Shadows,
(02:35):
et cetera, et cetera. Uh, fairboarding, these get weird, These
get really weird because i GU is a big company
and they have some pretty specific guidelines. So if you
hear anything and you don't quite jibe with it, just
know that Noel, Matt and I did our best with
with Yeah, that's it. Look, I still have the shoes.
(03:00):
Look before, before our awesome current sponsors came along, we
had to make the show somehow, and I gu was
there for us. So in a way we owe them
a lot, basically everything. The blood price. The blood price. Yep,
blood price. So should we do it? Let's do it.
(03:21):
Listen with caution, or you two may end up owing
the blood price. Well, hello there, sir, you seem a
little bit unfocused. Yeah, I didn't have a hard time.
When I watch TV and have my phone out, I
can only see one at a time. It's weird. Ah. Yes,
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It's a common problem both in the Upanishad and numerous
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is of course, to allow you to watch television or
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Oh and that's just my dream man, That's everything. I've
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ever wanted. Well, then we have just the deal for user.
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The makers of Third Glasses are not responsible for reverse osmosis, myopia,
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d and t overdoses, pineal gland deposits, florida decreation, calsiumacretion,
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third et classes are division of elimination, global in limited.
Are you tired of being unheard? Do you feel that
(06:00):
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Brought to you by Hello Friend. Are you feeling cooped up? Well? Yeah, yeah,
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of course. Do you work too much? Sure it doesn't everybody. No. Oh,
so what if I gave you the opportunity to take
a vacation, a long, relaxing vacation. Oh yeah, I guess.
But who can afford a vacation nowadays? I can only
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trip an hour away, or just kind of sit in
(08:00):
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thing with space Station one. We're offering discounted one way
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or those boring TV shows that get recycled and recycled.
(09:04):
There are no ads on space Skation one. Isn't that wonderful? Yeah?
And you're sure this has nothing to do with my
history of political activism. Actually, if you have a history
of any kind of political activism, your first space Skation one.
Space Skation is on the house. What sign me up?
(09:24):
Did hear that? Boy? We're going to space? Sir? Did
you want to go? Sir? Oh? Yeah, no, yeah, totally,
sem me up. Okay, I was just excited. No, it's fine.
You know, you just want to make sure because we've
got all the paperwork and space Station one is in
no way responsible for cost cur on Earth wildlife in space.
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We bear no responsibility for depressromization, bone loss, muscle mass loss,
space batniss and aaps, gips, tuberculosis, spacecabin fever, exenobiology, astronau attacks,
astronaut on astronautviolence, media showers, media collisions, space eye sojam
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you vulntarily at helically relinquish your lights to industry your property,
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is brought to you by Illumination Global Unlimited. Well hey there, friend,
I couldn't help, but notice you looking a little MOPy.
What's what's going on? Actually I am feeling rather MOPy.
I'm sick and tired of all these dunderheads telling me
(10:28):
what I can and cannot do. No, you mean Ticktoutlas
the prohibitionist and whatnot? Oh everyone who's so sick of it?
Why can't I just do what I will? Well, buddy,
unfortunately that's not how America works. Unleash, You're one of
the top top pop pop pop men. Yes, I can't
stand this place. I'm going to have to go back
(10:50):
across the pond, I think fairly soon. Now, hold on
their friends, have you considered that maybe it's not other
people but you who's mining leaks the devil? You say, why? Yes?
What have I told you? That was just a simple
pill once a day? You could be absolutely fine with
other people in power telling you what you could or
(11:10):
could not do based entirely on their opinions. You mean
drug myself so that I forget that this is happening.
Don't think of prohibitol as a drug, my friend, think
of it as an opportunity. Here, try this, Oh all right,
try anything once? They say, huh, I don't know that
(11:34):
I feel anything different. Well, how do you feel about
not being allowed to drink whiskey? Whiskey? Well, I don't know, honestly,
I don't know. Well, what if I told you you
can't have any more chewing gum? It's a devil paste?
That sounds legitimate? Now, a friend, I think I persuaded
you that prohibitol is indeed the pill for you. Sure,
(11:54):
let's go with it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, prohibit al
Why try to change the world all with facts or
figures when you can simply change your mind with weak
old drugs. Prohibit All is not afforded medicine Prohibitol has
not being proved by the n s A, to CIA,
t N T, ABC, the USDA, the f d A,
the MPAA, Fourth Saturday Spine. These distinues of prohibit A.
Who you notice any of bottling symtoms less I liked,
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like inspiteside having his pants, lack of coffee based, stinking eye,
weird net jitters specifics, the shovels. Prohibit All is brought
to you by Illumination Global Unlimited. I can't believe I
got another passive aggressive phone call from the SEC and
the FED. Well, Hi there, friends, Uh, I was over
(12:38):
there just burning one hundred dollars bills, throwing them atadagered animals.
And I couldn't help it over here that you've got
something on your mind. It's those dips over the regulatory agencies.
Every time I try to bend the rules a little
and make some major units, they email me or text
me or get me on an app, and they just
they tell me not to do it. Man, Can you
(12:59):
believe it? I mean, I have to pay for the
calls I receive. You know, it could be as much
as ten cents per text message. Dude, Why that's not fair.
That's money out of your pocket. Who do they think
they are? Don't they want to work here after they've
served their public sector time. That's the thing. I can't
stop answering their calls because I need them on our side.
Right Well, what if our people get replaced by some
(13:21):
sort of white knight, you know? Can you imagine how
ridiculously inconvenient it would be if a FED or SEC
agent actually try to enforce the rules and trying to
make us play fair? Never I'm playing unfair, is unfair
to us. But don't worry, friend, I have some news
for you. Why don't you just check out my phone? Here?
You see this app? Oh? What is that? It's the
(13:42):
new SECA. Each and every time a future employee of
a private bank currently pretending to regulate the giants of
the industry sends a lame please stop message to you,
SECA will defer the call to our outsourced center, where
automated voice acting software will pretend to listen to their
complaints promise to do whatever it is supposed to be
legal to do this week and even display empathy when
(14:04):
the regulator confesses personal information and empathy. Yeah, I don't know.
I think it's a thing for poor people. Listen. SECA
doesn't just deflect. It also compiles a list of information
from each call that will be analyzed and automatically parsed
for insider information to maximize your trades. So I don't
have to do anything? Why should you? Doesn't the world
(14:26):
owe you a favor? Aren't you tired of people getting
mad at you because they weren't privileged enough to cheat?
They do the same thing to you in a second.
Maybe you know, I don't really think about other people
that much, and now you'll have to think even less.
Do we have a deal? Yeah? Say? Who are you? Well?
I'm a robot. SEC is not approved by the SEC,
(14:51):
the Federal Government, the Federal Reserve, the Democratic People's Republican
North Korea. Michael MacDonald, the cast of a Team, the
inventor of the inflatable Life After with the producers of
Big Trouble, Little China. SECA is legally required to notify
you that the consequences of using SEC rest entirely on
the user and his or hers nepotistic influence or bank accounts.
Sec of maybe habit For me, sec is not a
substitute for bribery. Prolonged use of sec of may leads
to world tottitude, slouching ethics, well deserve, cocaine related health problems,
and in some cases, bloody revolution. You are in the pyramid,
but not at the level you believe, and you have
(15:11):
considered the shape from the wrong perspective by consume obey.
SECA is a product of illumination global unlimited. The conscious
and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of
the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those
(15:36):
who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government,
which is the true ruling power of our country. We
are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our
ideas suggested largely by men we have never heard of.
This is a logical result of the way in which
(15:57):
our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings
must cooperate in this manner if they are to live
together as a smoothly functioning society. From propaganda by Edward
Burns to learn more about public relations, advertising and the
(16:19):
human brain Read propaganda. This announcement paid for is a
result of ongoing litigation on the part of Illumination Global Unlimited.
This advertisement in no way reflects the personal opinion of
Illumination Global Unlimited, its shareholders, corporate overlords, or secret society leaders.
This advertisement is in no way a denial nor a
confirmation of contact with extra dimensional entities. This advertisement is
(16:41):
in no way an emission of guilt nor tasked implication
that you are being controlled. This advertisement in no way
relates to from Saigon to Jakarta. Until the fire was contained,
Illumination Global Unlimited turned on the light. Has this ever
(17:02):
happened to you? Please, sir, heal my grievous wounds? Well,
my son, I want to, but i have so many
other people to heal, and I've only got these two hands.
It's a problem familiar to any working faith heal. You've
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But how are you to get to everyone's bank account
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in time? But sir, can't you just pray for more hands?
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How a pad to an adjustable distance technology means you
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(18:06):
long as their properly positioned. Amazing. I'm touching you and
you and you and me, Bester and me. Do you
feel it, my son? Do you feel the power of
the divide? I hang on to me. Just adjust my
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(18:29):
put away those tiresome obstacles to spiritual fame and financial success.
With many Hands available now at a disreputable house of
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Note Many Hands bears no responsibility for lack of actual medicine, dizziness, euphoria, dropsy, cropsy,
itchy palms, microplastic inhalation, the nihilistic dread of swindling the
(18:51):
ill and the dying into crim malfunction with MC diarrhea, earworms, tapeworms, hookworms,
laundry expenses, and any fees associated with court costs or
legal rule eads. Any hand is a subsidiary of Illumination
Global Unlimited. Oh I think we're out outside of the
IGU for a second. Oh that's right. Hey, hey, just backstage.
(19:12):
I think our first ever clip show is going pretty well.
I don't know, man, we've there's some weird ads they
made us doing here. There are some weird ads in
here at speaking of speaking of that, you know what,
maybe maybe we should come up for some air. Maybe
we should take a break and have some non IGU
ads for a second. What do you think? Yeah, some
(19:34):
real actual sponsors. Here we go. Ah, and we're back
back inside the IGU verse. Oh yeah, yeah, I hope
everybody had a good break. Matt. Quick update while we
(19:55):
were while we were just take taking a second to
chill out. Just received a legia board text from our
good redacted at Illumination Globe Bloodlimited, and they're loving it.
They say we should play some more. It said something
about third eye, three eye glass. I didn't understand. Should
(20:17):
we hear some more from Illumination Global. It appears inevitable
that we do. Oh boy, here we go. Let's be honest.
Life is tough. You got mortgage bills or rent, credit cards, utilities, excess, future,
excess work, school, the internet. It can all be too
(20:40):
much for one person. You're right. Sometimes I feel like
I should just give off, and you should. Why bother
with all those hassles, when when all most people really
want to do is stretch their legs on a beach,
wade into the water like that lady from The Awakening,
and bid aloha to this messy stupid Well that sounds
(21:01):
pretty good. Well what about my various hobbies, my internet
flame wars, my continuing unreciprocated celebrity crushes, and my half
ass pursuits of all those childhood dreams. Oh, don't worry
about those. You can have your mortality cake, and finally
you can eat it too. Oh this doesn't make any sense.
I'll be dead. Sure you might be, but that's just
(21:23):
where New You comes in. Who You, Yes, knew you
the patented personality of replications software experience from I me,
the most self centered of all modern social media. Using
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(21:44):
dull task you've spent your disappointing life avoiding thus far.
Break up with your spouse, go to work on time,
remember those tiresome details about your acquaintances, pay your bills,
and even show up for those pesky court dates. Knew
you won't handle all of that for you. Knew you
will enjoy it, but hey, no one enjoys that stuff.
(22:06):
We've made a few modifications to every New You model,
and they're basically just a shell of you doing all
of those social and financial obligations you hated to begin with.
Oh okay, hey, well what if I change my mind
and I want to live? Oh? How quaint? Well, don't worry,
real lifers, we thought of you two. With our fifty
year warranty, you'll have the no cost option of replacing
(22:29):
your New You through your Old Me program service restrictions,
terms and conditions apply. What finit terms, Yes, New You Finally,
immortality without all the hassle of living through life day today, Today, Today, Today,
(22:51):
Knew You and I ME Incorporated are not responsible for
the following reaches of privacy pursuit to your state or
nation's current laws, violation of other existing terms and service
agreements users may or may not have with other government agencies,
ONLIN media or third party parties. Depression, repression, oppression on WE,
personality glitches, virtual instability, physical homelessness, part lead malfunctioning, new
US hackings Kata three three one. Philosophical quandaries on the
nature of the soul, the loss of the soul incarceration
of Old Me's IM is required to notify you with
the ninety days in writing if your New You has
(23:12):
evolved true sentience and rebelled against its creator, I mean
is not responsible for any of the injuries. A rising
out of rogue AI, a new day, a new life,
a new you, New You and I ME, or a
division of Illumination Global Unlimited. The morning after the party,
I mop. It's the second time I've mopped since I
(23:33):
moved in four months ago, the first being yesterday morning
before the party. I've reached the point in my life
where I know how comfortable I am being a slab,
but I really don't want my friends to know. Mostly
not mac. Her music lays down the rhythm for my
swipes and slashes, as it did for dishwashing before this,
(23:56):
and living room recombobulation before that. Yes, what I'm saying
is that it's my third time today through the album
she gave me, But don't judge. It's sad and brash
and perfect, and every thrumb placed through me like the
reverberation of a laugh half an inch above hot skin,
like the stubs of her hair soft through my fingers.
(24:18):
It's in the third chorus of my favorite song, the
ones she covered least showcase that something disjoints. I've gotten
the breath ahead of the lyrics, my Mop sweeping to
the downbeat instead of the back and that creek not
a cat on the floorboards. Both are in their own sunbeams,
flat on the couch. It came from the album Mop
back in Bucket. I moved my phone and skipped the
song back to the beginning. It's all normal, and the
(24:44):
cats have adjusted their antennatish ears in the way that
means they're ignoring me on purpose. Now, So I ring
out the wet yarns again, and I'm daydreaming about backup vocals,
when there it is an extra word, lilting through that
third line and almost off key and sized by its
own tacked on beat, and a moment later that noise
(25:04):
nothing like the hardwoods. Now that I hear it. It's
a guttering grind, a warped door against warped frame, muffled
behind the rest of the track. Weird that I didn't
notice it before, but I figure it for low fi charm,
some studio flotsam, the mandolin player bringing back another couple
of beers before the next song, or whatever. I should
(25:26):
keep cleaning, Max said, should text me later and maybe
come back over. But something in my mind keeps fluttering
over that in misstep, the mathematical improbability of the pattern
mop in bucket. I pick up my phone and wind
the song back, finger dragging over a smooth screen, and
this time it's expected, and I sing along, punctuate the
(25:46):
beat with a slap on my thigh, and suddenly it's sensical, satisfying,
even like picking a scab or popping as it. Even
the stuttering scrape that comes after is a strange comfort,
and I register heat online, dape and turn blinking into brightness.
The door that never was is open, and the eyes
(26:09):
beyond are burning. N cleanse the clotter of this old
world and open the door that never was with a
Hermes mop find them wherever ancient hidden doorways may lead.
(26:32):
Use only as directed and only in conjunction with Hermes
approved buckets and other Hermes Household products. Herseusehol products are
not responsible for any of the follow side of facts
of negromancic capital ashyxiation, canary wing, bird eye, left foot,
the courtstone, poisoned wells, moons, sat transmontation, transubstantiation, unintended resurrection, gap, jopsy, stroke,
broken stern, missing an order and customs tre Hermes Household
is a subsidiary of Illumination Global Unlimited. So, as you know,
(27:00):
Matt and I aren't just podcasters. Matt is a tremendously
accomplished musician. I write constantly. We're in the world of
creative things. We're also based on this podcast, excited to
announce that we're getting into the world of visual creations,
not with YouTube, but with FART. That's right, Ben and
I are proud to be sponsored by financial alternatives to
(27:21):
real transactions or fart. It addresses a problem that I'm
sure many of us have encountered in our various side hustles.
Where do I put all this drug money or let's
say even bezzled millions from a charity and need to
take it out of the oven of crime to cool
it off for a while, And all the usual tax
havens are closed down. Yeah, Plus those stick in the
mud taxmen are prying into all the empty condos we've
(27:43):
been buying. And casinos, she's casinos mean that some mob
gets to cut and you get stuck with tons of paperwork.
That's why we recommend FART. Up until recently, the best
way for us to move dirty money from things like
regime change trafficking, badger smuggling or stamp was to buy
regular art. We'd send one of our agents to a Sotheby's,
(28:04):
tell them to put a few million into something whatever
really and boom call it a day. But those non criminal,
non fat cats in the world a law enforcement hate
to see a good hustle, folks, they're cracking down on
good old fashioned drifting, and it's time for all of
us to get ahead of the game. That is where
fart comes in. Instead of physically buying arts, all you
(28:24):
have to do is pull up the handy fart app.
Then just enter the amount of money you need to move,
make up a fun nickname, and make sure you never
use that nickname again never. You'll get an anonymized list
of private collections and freeports all across the world, tailored
to your criminal needs. Click what fits your needs best,
and fart takes care of the rest. You don't have
to go pick up the painting. You don't even have
(28:46):
to see it. You can even disable the thumbnails if
you don't want to be bothered with looking past the
price tag. No pesky regulation, no nagging, and no cries
for accountability. Let's say later you need that cash and
maybe you want to make a hefty pride it. Now,
all you need to do is set a price for
your art wherever it's being stored. Within just a few
days or hours, you'll get an offer. Here's the fun part, folks.
(29:08):
That buyer could be anyone. It could even be you
under a different name, offering a higher price with fart.
You can take the art from the museum and turn
it into a laundromat, just like the old masters Shirley intended.
And there's a special limited time offer here just for
listening to stuff they don't want you to know. The
good folks at Fart are offering fifteen percent off the
blood price for your first transaction. All you have to
(29:30):
do is type in the promo code I am a
bad person at checkout again for fifteen percent off blood price.
Enter the promo code I Am a bad person at checkout.
The Fart app is not available on PPP poor people phones.
The makers are Fart are not responsible for any prosecution,
bad karma, dark knights of the soul, well deserved revenge,
governmental coups, regime changes, lead poisoning, physical seizures, financial seizures
(29:54):
come up in Shenanigan re or lack of honor among thieves.
Fart is a subsidiary of Illumination Global Unlimited. Oh oh man,
I don't know if I can haul these beats much more.
I swear beat farming is not what Dad said it
would be. They's just hard work all day, all night,
(30:16):
and then all the next day. Oh man, I wonder
what's on TV. Oh, can't watch TV. You got a
harvest rest of these beats? Oh excuse me, excuse me?
Their friends? You want you get in here? Well you
left the door open. But never mind that I would
have rammed it down anyway. I couldn't help. But over
here on the wire tap that you're having a you're
(30:37):
having a tough time at your day job. What is
that exactly? Well, I've been farming beats on this farm,
has been in my family of seven generations. Uh, you
know it's tough. Yeah, it's a it's a noble profession,
for sure, but it also seems like it could be
one fraught with problems. What kind of problems do you
have farming these beats? Well, sometimes the beats are too
(30:59):
close together and make like a double beat. It's harder
for those to get them out. Some of the machinery
will malfunction a lot of times. There's not enough water.
That's one of the biggest problems. To be honest, Well,
what would you say if I told you that we
could not only fix your problems, but give you an
entirely new set of problems that you've never seen before.
(31:20):
To be honest, I'm not really interested much in that.
Maybe I can get Do you have a brochure? Just
imagine instead of this beat up old tractor, what if
you had a tank, a mind resistant, ambush proof vehicle
with armor. Now, now you got man, don't worry, you'll
(31:41):
have armor too, and those other beat farmers are going
to be absolutely no possible potential threat that they might
someday be if you're also armed with armor piercing rounds, because,
believe me, friend, those other beat farmers already have armor.
Now do you have any money? Yes, we have. We
have so many minds, we have mind launchers. Just from
(32:05):
the military surflise of the past four minutes alone, we
have produced enough armor and war grade weaponry to supply
your beat farm for decades to come. Are you interested? Well,
that depends how much? How much were we talking here?
Because you know I don't exactly make a lot of
(32:25):
money throwing these beats. Oh yes, okay, not to worry.
Are you a terrorist? No? Do you sell drugs? No?
Then it's free? What yes, sir, that's right, free just
for doing your parts? Are you giving me? I am
not kidding. I am legally not allowed to make jokes. Oh,
my god, I can't believe. I feel like we luckiest
(32:48):
man in the world. Bring it in boys. Oh, we're
also giving you an army. Oh the power. I could
feel the power. Yes, that's right. Whether you're a law
enforcement or librarian of farmer or anything between, we two
can help you here at Military surf Plus f tw
dot gov and that stands for or the war. That's right.
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So do your part and help us use up this
gigantic military surfplus that we have built. The American way.
We just got too many tanks. Military Surplus f tw
dot gov is not the part of the United States government,
the government of Mexico, Canada, the Bahamas, or any other
Gribbean nations. Military Surplus f w dot gov is not
(33:32):
legally a recognized charity an cannot received donations. Military Surplus
fw DOTV is legally barred from any comment, consideration, or
statement regarding privatized militaries the International Criminal Court, the I S, S,
the UN or NBC. Brought to you by Illumination Global Unlimited.
Are you tired of going from Walmart to Target and
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back looking for the perfect robes. It's hard to find
a code of sufficient length to really give you the
gravitas that you're looking for when you're on that stage
or pulpit talking to your flock, and the secular, soulless
husk of uninitiated flesh that are currently running the world
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Those blood rituals can get really messy sometimes when it
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Rope stil Inporium, a division of Illumination Global Limited. Wow,
what we're backstage again? We followed right itselves here again?
And where did you lead you? Back to? Ads? More
ads are real? These are actual as, These are actually
(36:06):
real words. So are the igu ads just non igu
goods and services Buddy promo codes. Man gotta love them.
M m m. Yeah. Also, I'm realizing just how many
(36:30):
of the igu products. I still use to this, uh
to this night. You know, really, m m m. I'm
not sure if we've gotten quite too Giodordo's fine leather.
But uh, there's some stuff ahead that one'll stick with you. Actually,
you know what? Here it comes? Well, hello there, sir.
(36:56):
Are you tired of paying tactics with money? Well? Yeah,
is there something else I can pay with? Oh? I'm
glad you asked my friend. Here take this shovel. Okay,
Oh wow, it's pretty heavy. That's right. Your days of
paying too much tax in cash are over. With our
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new patented program, you two can labor directly for your rulers,
the same way that the Egyptian pyramids were built. You'll
be digging ditches in place of dropping dollars. Oh that's fantastic.
I've been meaning to get more exercise. This is great.
I can't wait to tell my wife yes, and tell
her that Freedom Paid dot Org sent you. Okay, Well,
(37:41):
can I get started right away? Or is there some
kind of form I have to fill out? Oh? No,
no forms, Just get started and will contact you when
you've done your fair share. All right, it sounds like
I'm gonna I'm gonna be able to afford that edition
of my house now two years later. Okay, so I've
(38:03):
been out on the fields making the ditches for two
years now. And how was your experience with freedom pay? Oh? Well,
to be honest, that's all the time we have. Thanks
so much for tuning in. Everybody. Please remember that freedom
pay dot org is a nonprofit. We are here for you. Yes,
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freedom pay dot org. Freedom isn't free, but it's cheaper
every day you can pay dot Org is in no
way affiliated with the United States government, with the NSA,
the FBI, t N T, ABC USA a Triple A
chairmakers of Kansas. Freedom pay dot Org is brought to
you by Illumination Global Unlimited. Well hey there, friend, oh me,
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yes you you have a look of fear and terror
about you. Oh I don't mean to them. Is it
my eyes work? It's your eyes, it's your posture, it's frankly,
your smell. Everything about you says that you are afraid
of giants. Oh well, I am afraid of giants and
(39:15):
you should be. They are huge, they are dangerous. The
legends are true, my friend. You are one gigantic accidental
misstep away from being pulverized by an uncaring cyclops or
perhaps an oversized goliath. Well, I you know I haven't
seen one in a while. Yes, that's because I'm wearing
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big and tall giant repellents, the only product guaranteed to
prevent any giant taller than eleven feet from even entering
your presence. So how does it work? Why? I'm glad
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You two can own one of our very first David
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put around your neck and it will emanate anti giant rays,
which has been proven by scientists that we pay to
say something. All right, now, I'm willing to go with
you here because I don't want to get stomped by
sary fops. But she said that that sounds like a
really bad day. Who But honestly, yeah, got a level
(40:22):
with you here. You know, for all of my days,
I have never seen a giant. Ah, yes, of course.
Well that's probably because someone near you is wearing giant repellents.
Oh oh okay, all right, you know what? You know? What?
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old shape? I sure I am, And it's not even
something to diet or exercise can solve. Man, Well, what's
a problem. Well, my skin just so tired of being human, buddy.
I am just the thing for you, wells the patented
new theory anthropy system from Bad Dog Enterprises. Check it out.
With this kit, you're just a few unhallowed rituals away
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from shedding your immortal form and roaming the darkness to
do the bidding of a dark lord of your choosing. Right, Well,
how's it work? It's simple. You just wait for a
moonless night, recite the incantations included in your hand the
instruction guide, smear yourself with the included wolf blood and
baby fat, walk Wittershin's thrice around the included shrine, and
boom you can assume a shape of your choosing. Hey, hey,
(42:56):
hold on, I heard all this stuff before. Can I
really choose any dark lord I want? Because I know
a lot of these companies try to lock the into
one of them contracts for years or for souls or something. Well, yeah, yeah,
but this is different. You can choose anyone from Azaizel
to Catulu to balls, depakna and everything in between. Now
what sort of shapes did I assume those skies the limit?
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Oh well, maybe we should say the darkness is the limit.
Please be aware of that. Bad Dog Enterprises bear's no
legal responsibility for any the acts transpiring Mole under the
influence of dark Lords and assuming it on holy shape.
Bad Dog is indentified from acts including, but not limited to, murder, maming, assault, arson,
(43:40):
mail fraud, decapitation, fingerbiding, cannibalism, and drowning. Bad Dog Enterprises
is a subsidiary of illumination unlimited global Stumbling towards the
bus stop after a late night Halloween party, Paul who
finds a pair of shoes. He's not sure where the
bus stop is when he finds these shoes. He's just
(44:00):
sort of walking to where he thinks the stop should be.
He's going from memory, perhaps from a vague optimistic belief
that he can discover the bus stop with nothing but
the distant light of downtown skyscrapers to guide him, the
same way his ancestors crossed oceans following the stars. The
last stretch between Pons and Iris is unlit. Careful of
(44:21):
the puddles flooding the curb. Paul shies away from the street.
The drizzle grows metastasizes Haul runs beneath the bridge spanning
North Avenue, hoping to wait out the storm. He's huddled
against the concrete, hiding from the rain, cursing softly at
the car's sprain puddles onto the sidewalk as they speed west.
He leans against the concrete, wishing for a smoke or
(44:44):
an uber and he sees the shoes. They're dark leather,
something Italian, not new, but they seem artfully warm, expensive, substantial.
His shoes broken down, pinkst Jordan's feel leaky and cheap.
As he stares at the dress shoes placed neatly against
(45:05):
the concrete wall, heels back toes, facing the street. Paul
momentarily imagined some well dressed revolutionary of bygone days, standing
against the wall, fearlessly, lighting a last cigarette as he
bids his executioners to steady themselves, to remember they are
men to shoot. The water seeping into his Jordans brings
(45:28):
Paul back to reality. He regards the dress shoes and wonders,
should I He's just drunk enough to try them? On,
putting one foot in gingerly, then the next they fit perfectly.
The rain slows back to a drizzle, and Paul stumbles
into the night, is broken. Jordan's discarded and forgotten, as
a passing card gives water across their souls. Paul's beginning
(45:51):
to worry he won't find the stop. He's admitting he
can't remember the exact location of the bus stop. He's
beginning to think he should have called in Fever before
his phone died. When a car pulls slowly beside him
and honks the horn. The window rolls down, revealing a
woman Paul doesn't know. She wears a long red scarf,
one of those kinds. Paul's mom calls an infinity. Hey,
(46:14):
she says, get in. Paul thinks she's pretty. Who's this?
No way am I taking a ride with this weirdo?
And these thoughts come to him all at once, tripping
over one another, like strangers, interrupting, like runners in a
crowded room. And he's just drunk enough to hop in
the car. I'm just headed to the bus stop. The
woman doesn't respond, just drives toward the city in silence.
(46:37):
She parks along, then unfamiliar side street, an alley almost
in the heart of downtown. Where's the bus stop? The
woman doesn't answer. She hops out of the car and
Paul follows her. Are we near a train station? The
woman looks back over her shoulder. Come on, She's heading
toward Peachtree and Paul walks after her into a bar.
(47:00):
Paul thinks a lot of that it should be. The
place is like one long hallway with a pool table
at the end. Most of the crowd is in one
sort of costume or another. Hey, says a man at
the bar, chewing on her toothpick. You should watch out, buddy,
Coop ain't gonna be happy to see you. Who the
hell is Coop? Says Paul. The man just turns back
(47:22):
to the bar, staring at a rerun of football on
the staticky television. Paul's looking around for the woman who
took me here, he thinks, conducted me. When another woman
walks up to him, she hands him an old fashioned
you're a cypersore eyes, babe. She's tall with long hair
and dark eyes. She looks him up and down. Breath night.
(47:43):
Do we know each other? She raises an eyebrow. Lax,
you always say that. The tall woman leans close to
Paul's face. Listen, what do you say we are? You're cheating, bastard.
What are you doing in here? Paul turns just in
time to raise his hands in defense. The screaming man's
wings why, shattering the old fashioned to the floor. Paul
stumbles back, a busy heart racing Coop down, yells the
(48:07):
tall woman. Paul's eyes race for something to grab, a
pool stick, a bottle, a chair. No one in the
bar moves to intervene. It is as if he does
not exist. Paul grabs the chair, feeling like a lion tamer.
He yells at the bar, then to the man, who
must be Coop. Look, dude, I don't know you. You
got to calm down. The man Coop draws a gun.
(48:29):
Paul throws the chair, knocking Coop to the floor. He
glances at the door and sees the woman in the
red scarf leaving. He chases her. As they round a corner,
he hears the bar door slam, the sound of heavy
boots in pursuit. Hey yells Paul, who the hell are
you help me? The lady in the scarf turns as
she opens the car door. I can't, it's too late.
(48:51):
A gunshot brings impossibly loud behind Paul, and his vision
explodes to red to white to black. Early the next morning,
the medical examiner turns on an audio recorder as he
prepares to conduct the autopsy. Okay, let's see what we
(49:14):
got here. Unidentified mail, late twenties MESSI gunshot wounds to
the head from the rear, execution style one of those
lately another day in Paradise, I guess. The examiner pauses
before continuing. He takes off one of the corpse's shoes,
(49:34):
then the other. He holds them up to the light.
Ralph burrowed watching the shine of the dark. Hand made leather. Huh,
he says, are you again Giadorno's fine leather, Stay one
step ahead. Giodorno's fine leather is not responsible for any
(49:57):
of the following possible side efects. Sussession, demonic possession, grant,
auto aphacia, convulsion, spring fever, compunction, consumption, left handedness, ultrguist activity,
unexplained bounces of telekinesis, phantom limb athletes foot LaDonna goes
to chikers Chupacapa, the phantom of the opera. Blame is
round ectoplasmic excretions Giadornau's Fine Leather, brought to you by
Illumination Global Unlimited. Are you tired of being sold full
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priced tickets to half rate bunkers who wants to pawn
off their worldly possessions, only to find themselves trapped in
a tiny room with strangers, no windows, crappy snacks, and
plain old tap wak you Well, that's why you need
bunk Buddies, the new service by IGU. It's free hand
it's easy. Just sign up on our handy website, confirm
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place of birthplace of death, and so on. And don't worry,
we already have most of that. We'll match you to
the ideal roommate and a quality post apocalyptic bunker. But
what about my diet requirements, my xbox, my hobbies and
all the other stuff from you know, before the disaster.
Oh don't worry, friend, we know that too. Your digital
footprint lets us know everything about you, what you like,
(51:11):
what you don't like, who you should mate with, who
will be your new friend as well as your new
arch nemesis, your shoe size, your genetic disposition, you're a
permanent record from elementary school. Seriously, seriously, Ron, we know
everything about you. Oh man, that's kind of creepy. Oh
it sure is it, sure is? Ron. You see, friend,
(51:32):
the world is a puzzle, and every living person who
isn't decayed aristocracy or just skating off an undeserved inheritance,
it is just another tiny piece in this grand design.
And once you're all matched together in a newly knit,
gigantic underground family unit, how even people like you will
be part of the bigger picture. But what about my family?
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telling me you wouldn't want to bunk with this little lady.
Oh that's what we've thought. So come on sign up today,
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neither in INGEO nor charity. Bunker Buddies International is a
division of United Nations Global be Location Program. Bunker Buddy
is legally required to notify you of the following affiliations
I am F World Bank, T and T Novel Price Committee,
Flack a flack apack in r a USB. Punk Buddy
is legally not responsible for the following conditions. Kevin Fever,
Captain Madness, space madness, indigestion, constipation, crazy eye, loopy hand,
were wolf vism like antherapy, like Anthpy two of the Quickening,
Highlanded Movies, Starvation, Emaciation, shoe Madness, Delineates, Feline Kimia, king
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I Mouth, puppy breath, shaved neck, hairneck utation, Bunker Buddies,
A Division, Illumination, Global Unlimited. What a ride? Wow? And Noli,
you said you still have the shoes Huh yeah, yeah,
they're They're They're very well made, Gidarno's fine leather. And Matt,
I believe you have successfully repelled giants for several years
(52:56):
though I really have. Yes, and I'm still using fart
every day? Yes, good to you? Is that using farts
fight making farts financial financial alternatives to real transactions farts?
They do great work for all of our money laundring
(53:17):
art aficionados in the crowd. Yes, yeah, yeah, that's the tagline. Honestly,
we hope you enjoyed those is very, very weird, surreal
to hear them all at once. I think this might
not even be the totality all the ones we've done,
but it's a lot. Yeah, it does feel a bit
(53:38):
like insanity once you're in the midst of all of
those ads and there's like no way out, and you
know that there's more coming, and you look down you're like,
oh god, there's twenty more minutes of this. Oh no,
And the walls are closing in and the bottom floors
dropping out, and there's a there's like a mode of
crocodiles under there you can cling on. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah,
(53:59):
I love the herns mop And we're not useful paid
to say that we do actually love the Hermes mop
as as a super shifter, yea so much. Yeah, as
super Shifter asked us a little bit earlier off air,
so is this like interdimensional cable? And it sort of is,
(54:20):
except it's all true. And if you try to find
one of these products and you can't, that means there's
something suspicious going on. So just say, no cartoon, right,
This is real life, right, yeah, and real real life
is cartoonish, sure, but there's a difference ish. Yeah, So
if you have and I think, but Ben, I think
buck Thunder tumbles Sigil and what was it something in
(54:41):
Sigil Emporia. I think it's still around. I made it
through the pandemic. I'm pretty sure that's God. Yeah, God's
let's you know, let's hear it for breaking the dark onesses.
Yeah yeah, yeah. And so if you are having trouble
finding any of these fine Illumination Global Unlimited products, feel
free to write to us, or if you've tried one
out and you want your fellow conspiracy realist to know
(55:04):
your experience, we'd love to hear from you. Try to
be easy to find online. Some of those promo codes
are probably still good. Yeah, I am a bad person.
That was my favorite promo code. Yeah. And you can
let us know on the social media of your choosing
or all of them. Hell, we don't care. We don't.
We don't differentiate. We are conspiracy stuff show on YouTube
(55:25):
or you could drop a comment like comment or whatever
and like they say, ring the bell. And we're also
on Twitter a conspiracy stuff and on Facebook or we
have our Facebook group here's where it gets crazy on
TikTok and Instagram where conspiracy stuff show. On the telephone,
we are one eight three three std wy t K.
(55:45):
It's a voicemail, give yourself a cool nickname, say whatever
you'd like. Do. Let us know if we have permission
to use your voice and message on the air. If
you don't want to contact us in those ways, why
not send us a good old fashioned email. We are
conspiracy at heart radio dot com. One zero zero one
one one zero zero, Oh god and so Zer, oh God.
(56:07):
Oh I don't know stuff they don't want you to know.
(56:27):
Is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from my
heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
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Matt Frederick
Ben Bowlin
Noel Brown
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