203: Three Reasons for Being Stingy in Sharing Your Story

There’s a school of thought out there that says to make friends it’s important to be vulnerable by sharing your story. Some call it “being authentic.” Yet it’s been my experience that sharing your story when someone is trying to share theirs may end up pushing people away. Some would call that being self-centered. Today’s episode, though, is about three reasons to be stingy in sharing your story.

But before we get into today’s episode, here’s what this podcast is all about. 

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If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I’m your host, John Certalic, an award-winning author and relationship coach. I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

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If the phrase “be stingy in sharing your story” sounds familiar it’s probably because you heard it used in episode 202, “The Best Stories.” It was in reference to the listening advice shared in the interview I did with Linda Crouch, a retired missionary friend. She talked about her friend Meg who listened well to Linda talking about her recent trip to Nigeria. Even though Meg was a missionary herself, she was stingy in sharing her own story. So Linda had all the time she needed to tell hers.

I love this word, “stingy.”  I never thought of it being a good word with a positive connotation to it. Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol come to mind when I hear the word “stingy.”  

But in the context of relationships, “stingy in sharing our story” is a great principle on several levels, when used properly. Here are three reasons why:

Being stingy in sharing your story honors the person sharing theirs

In any meaningful conversation you can’t have two stories going on at once. Unfortunately, though, you see this happening all too often. Tune in any TV or radio news show with 3 or more hosts and invariably you hear them talking over each other, fighting for air time.

A meaningful conversation requires someone to take the high road by being quiet and listening. We honor people when we relinquish our turn to be the center of attention. It gives voice to people who may not have had a voice.

It’s a biblical principle as well. James 1:19, that familiar passage says, “…be quick to listen and slow to speak.” When we take that to heart and put it into practice it manifests another Biblical concept we read in Romans 12:10, “…take delight in honoring each other.”

Being stingy in sharing your story brings out the best in you

A second reason why being stingy with your story when someone is sharing theirs is a great practice is because it brings out the best in you.

The best in you displays relational hospitality, where you invite people into interaction with you by giving them the floor and allowing them to be the focus of attention.

To let someone go first in sharing their story is an act of humility, which is always found in the best of our character traits. It’s a sacrifice to let someone have the air time we would like.

Letting someone else have the spot light without interruption from you models what good listening looks like. And when we model something for others that will bring out the best in them, it brings out the best in ourselves.

Being stingy in sharing your story is an antidote to our loneliness

As counterintuitive as it sounds, being stingy in sharing your story is an antidote to loneliness. When you hold back on talking about yourself it creates an opportunity to learn about someone else and a possible point of connection based on their life, not yours.

We have a missionary friend who grew up in a large family where everyone talked. In order to be heard she learned how to fight for airtime by talking a lot herself. While that skill served her well as a child, it did just the opposite as an adult. Instead of drawing people to herself, talking a great deal pushed people away. Consequently, she was often lonely.

Another thing. When we hold back on talking about ourself so that others can share their story it creates the possibility of broadening our world, which tends to dissipate loneliness.