33-Domestic Violence SURVIVOR: Sally McNeil

When violence lurks behind closed doors, how do we lay bare the truth and seek justice? This episode unravels the harrowing saga of Sally McNeil, a former Marine turned bodybuilder, whose life was marked by both remarkable resilience and devastating tribulation. Sally's story, emblematic of the complexities of domestic abuse, begins with glimmers of success and spirals into a chilling narrative as we examine her fraught relationship with Ray McNeil. Abuse—in its physical, emotional, and sexual forms—casts a long shadow over Sally's achievements, and her children bear witness to the unspeakable. With financial woes compounding their struggles, Sally turns to unconventional means to make ends meet. The escalating violence and Sally's desperate pleas for help, portray a stark reality that often precedes tragedy in such domestic entanglements.

1 in 3 extends a heartfelt invitation for listeners to join a community where experiences are shared and voices are amplified. Advocates, professionals, and individuals touched by similar ordeals are encouraged to contribute their expertise and stories. By sharing these narratives, we build a platform for education, empowerment, and support. Listener involvement isn't just welcome—it's essential, as each story shared casts light on the pervasive issue of domestic violence.  Together, we're forging a path toward understanding, where silence is broken, and the cycle of abuse is challenged—one conversation at a time.

Sources
Netflix Series, “Killer Sally” 2022
https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/survivor-resources/
https://screenrant.com/killer-sally-mcneil-documentary-true-story-real-changes/
https://www.aetv.com/real-crime/bodybuilder-killer-sally
https://www.rxmuscle.com/articles/latest-news/869-sally-mcneil-this-is-my-story-part-1.html

1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.

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If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.

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Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3.
I'm your host, ingrid.
In my last episode I describedhow society finds it difficult
to view men as victims indomestic violence relationships.
Today I'm going to discuss howthat misconception may cross
over to women if they areperceived as too physically
strong.
This is Sally Story.

(00:40):
Sally McNeil was born in 1960 inAllentown, pennsylvania.
As a child, she sufferedphysical abuse from her
stepfather.
She kept most of the details toherself, only confiding some to
one close friend.
Later, sally was able to findstability in athletics.
She was on her school's swimand diving teams, as well as

(01:02):
track.
Once she graduated high school,she attended college with a
plan of becoming a gym teacher.
Unfortunately, she ran out offunds with less than a year left
and had to drop out.
Then Sally fell back on themilitary.
Like her brother, she served inthe United States Marine Corps.
Her determination andathleticism were a perfect fit

(01:23):
and she rose ranks to sergeant.
While serving, sally met andmarried Anthony Loden.
The two remained married forfour years and had a daughter
and son together.
According to Sally, anthonybecame abusive and she filed for
divorce when she receivedorders to transfer.
She was awarded custody of bothof the children While stationed

(01:46):
at Camp Pendleton, sallyfocused on her physique.
She began bodybuilding and endedup winning the United States
Armed Services PhysiqueChampionship twice in the 1980s.
Having the Marine Corps andbodybuilding in common, a friend
introduced Sally to Ray McNeilin 1987.
She admitted it was lust atfirst sight.

(02:09):
The two immediately hit it off.
Not only did they both enjoyworking out, but they also liked
the same movies.
Sally described Ray ascharismatic and stated the two
had a lot of good times.
Calling their romance awhirlwind is an understatement.
The couple married just twomonths after dating.

(02:30):
They appeared to be a perfectmatch, even winning the Men's
and Women's Bodybuilding Contestin 1990.
Ray took his work seriously.
He left the Marine Corps in1991 to pursue professional
bodybuilding.
The new family of four struggledfinancially.
They lived in a smalltwo-bedroom apartment, also

(02:53):
discharged from the Marine Corps.
Sally felt the pressure ofbeing the primary breadwinner.
She found unconventional waysto help support the family.
She was paid $50 an hour torecord videos of her wrestling,
earning her the name KillerSally.
Ray was okay with this, as itbrought steady income into the

(03:13):
household and allowed him tocontinue focusing on
bodybuilding.
His new profession addedunforeseen costs as Ray soon
turned to using steroids.
Sally's video gig evolved intomuscle worship.
This is apparently a term todescribe men who have a
fascination in wrestling withwomen who dominate them

(03:34):
physically.
For this, sally was paid $300an hour and developed quite the
following.
The income earned from her newfans would be spent on
continuing bodybuilding trainingand steroids for both Ray and
Sally.
In 1993, they spent $24,000 onjust Ray.

(03:56):
That year he was invited toMount Olympia.
If he placed first he would win$150,000.
But he placed 15th.
Now let me tell you a little bitabout Ray.
He was born in North Carolina.
He was given to his aunt by hismother when he was only two

(04:16):
weeks old.
They lived in massive povertywith bare floors, newspaper
covering the walls and roachesfound everywhere.
The worst part of the livingsituation, however, was the fact
that his aunt sexually abusedhim.
As I already mentioned, ray metSally in the Marine Corps Just

(04:36):
three days after their wedding.
Ray punched her in the face.
He immediately apologized andsaid it would never happen again
.
That was the same promise hemade nearly every time he would
physically abuse Sally over thenext few years.
Sometimes she even receivedflowers, but it did happen again
, and often he also strangledand sexually abused her.

(04:59):
In a twisted explanation, raywould interpret Ray being Sally
as her forgiving him andaccording to Ray, each of
Sally's orifices belonged to him.
Sally wasn't the only person towitness his aggression.
Ray worked as a bouncer at abar.
Naturally he would encounterrowdy individuals.

(05:21):
On one night he had a disputewith one of the bar patrons.
As the two struggled, rayplaced his thumbs in the man's
eyes and dug in.
As a man was taken to thehospital with bleeding eyes,
witnesses believed he wasblinded.
Ray apparently was not arrestedthat night as he was friends
with the responding policeofficers.

(05:43):
Ray also abused his stepchildren.
When his stepson was just inkindergarten he came home from
school with a notification thathe had been talking too much in
class.
His response was to beat himwith a belt.
Another form of discipline wasto have one child watch as he
beat their sibling.
They cried for each other andfor the anticipation of the

(06:05):
beating to come.
It eventually got to the pointwhere the children would ask
Sally why she wasn't leaving.
They felt she chose Ray overthem, but Sally had tried to get
help before Once, when theywere still in the Marine Corps.
The family was watchingtelevision together.
Ray broke Sally's nose.
She reported it to the firstsergeant.

(06:26):
Sally was sent to medical andRay was sent to the brig.
He was released shortly afterand returned home to beat Sally
until she dropped the charges.
Eventually, sally realizedthings were not going to get
better as she had hoped for thelast eight years of marriage.
Sally heard the story of thedeath of a woman she had

(06:47):
previously competed inbodybuilding against.
The woman was strangled andkilled by her boyfriend.
Learning of this, sallyrealized she could face the same
ending.
Before I go on, I want to bringsome statistics back I shared
on a previous episode.
According to the StringulationTraining Institute, near-fatal

(07:08):
strangulation occurs in up to68% of women who report intimate
partner violence.
97% of those were strangled byhands, 38% lost consciousness,
9% were pregnant, 70% believedthey were going to die.
Gail Starr, a clinicalcoordinator for sexual assault

(07:29):
nurse examiners, states that aperson who has been strangled
during a domestic violenceattack is 750% more likely to be
killed by their offender in thenext year.
Also mentioned was 82% of lawenforcement.
Homicides are committed bysomeone with a strangulation
history.
Transition can kill someonewithin minutes.

(07:51):
Even in cases where the victimdoes not lose consciousness,
lasting effects may be present.
I'm going to come back to thisinformation in just a little bit
, but right now I'm going to goback to Sally.
She made plans to move to herchildhood home in Pennsylvania.
While she was in the process ofsaving money to make the move,

(08:12):
she told her children to havebags packed and be ready to go.
She purchased a sawed-offshotgun for extra protection.
On Valentine's Day 1995, raywas nowhere to be found.
Sally was getting the kidsready for bed after their
fun-filled day.
Wanting to spend some of theholiday with her husband, sally

(08:34):
arranged for a neighbor to watchthe kids.
She then began to get ready togo out and hopefully find Ray at
one of the local bars as shewas applying her makeup.
Ray came home.
He beat her and choked her.
As he was choking Sally, shethought he's going to kill me.

(08:55):
I'm not going to make it.
Through the night she managedto break free and grab the
shotgun.
According to Sally, she toldRay to get out, to which he
replied no and started movingtoward her.
She shot him.
Then Sally shot him again,covered him with a blanket and
called 911.

(09:17):
Ray was still alive when firstresponders arrived.
However, he succumbed to hiswounds in the hospital.
Sally was charged with murder.
While awaiting her trial, herchildren were sent from
California to Pennsylvania inorder to live with Sally's
parents.
As we typically see in courtcases, both the prosecuting and

(09:38):
defense teams do their best todemonize the other, and the
district attorney was flawlessin his presentation.
He was able to design aruthless, jealous, abusive woman
named Killer Sally.
Now I'm not here to negatetestimonies or documents
describing Sally's personalityor behavior.

(09:59):
I am here to share a story ofdomestic violence, violence that
Sally's 12-year-old daughtertestified to during that trial.
She tearfully described how Raywas choking her mom that
fateful night.
She knew he was choking herbecause she recognized the
familiar sounds, but hertestimony was one of the very

(10:22):
few Sally had on her side.
You see, sally, like manyvictims, kept her abuse a secret
.
For most, her previously brokenarms, broken nose and bruises
should have been enough to proveher abuse.
It wasn't Remember.
Ray was charismatic.
He had an entourage ofwitnesses willing to testify to

(10:43):
his good character and Sally'saggression.
I don't want to dive too deepinto the details of the trial,
but there are a few comments Iwanted to highlight.
Between the media and thedistrict attorney, sally was
defined as a woman who didn'tlook like she could be battered.
It was thought that, quote aviolent person could not be a

(11:05):
battered woman.
The district attorney said tome I didn't see a great deal of
remorse, nor do I see thefearful battered wife she claims
to be.
He then inferred she was usingthe abuse excuse.
The comment that sticks outmost to me, though, is also from
the district attorney Quotethere's the possibility that

(11:28):
Sally was a battered woman andRay was a batterer, but there
was no imminent threat.
End quote no imminent threat.
That statistically and I toldyou I would come back to this
Sally was 750% more likely to bedead within the year.

(11:50):
Choking can kill an individualwithin just minutes.
Sally was sentenced in 1996 to19 years to life for second
degree murder.
Second degree murder is murderwith malicious intent, but is
not premeditated.
Sally was released in 2020after serving 25 years.

(12:15):
I would love to say the legalsystem has improved in terms of
understanding domestic violencesince the 1990s, but if you have
listened to previous episodesin this podcast, you realize
that is not so true.
There have been developments,such as the passing of the
Domestic Violence SurvivorsJustice Act in some states, but
there is still a lot of work tobe done.

(12:38):
I don't want the only takeawayfrom this episode to be the fact
that the justice system needsto do better, though it is
important to look at somethingelse here.
In many not all domesticviolence cases there is a
history of generational andrepeated violence.
We see this in Sally's family.

(12:59):
She was abused as a child.
Her first husband abused her,her second husband abused her.
Her daughter found herself inan abuse of marriage, while her
son didn't specify what was done.
He mentioned he had a good wifeand quote was very bad to her.
He also admitted to requiringrehabilitation for drug and

(13:22):
alcohol abuse.
I'm mentioning this for a fewreasons.
One, as victims, we need totruly know ourselves.
We need to learn what ourboundaries are and develop the
confidence within to set andstick to those boundaries.
We need to heal and loveourselves to develop strong and
healthy relationships goingforward.

(13:44):
Second, please be aware thatyour relationships, good or bad,
influence your children.
They are watching what ishappening to you and how you are
responding to it.
And one more thing I have saidthis before the abuse always
escalates.
There is a fine line between anoutcome of life-altering

(14:08):
injuries, murder, homicide andself-defense, with resultant
prison time, family annihilationor leaving.
Leaving isn't easy andsometimes feels impossible.
Find your resources.
There are domestic violencehotlines in nearly every country

(14:28):
, some of which I was able tolist on the one and three
website.
Talk to your friends, family,colleagues, anyone who will
listen.
Do what you need to do to getand keep yourself safe because
you matter in the world.
Okay, I will hop off my soapboxnow.

(14:50):
If you want to make adifference and have your story
told on this podcast, pleasereach out.
If you are an advocate orprofessional with information
that is beneficial to thelisteners of one and three,
please reach out.
My contact information is foundin the conclusion of every
episode.
Thank you for listening.

(15:14):
Sources for today can be foundin the show notes.
I will be back next week withanother episode for you.
Until then, stay strong and,wherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone.
To learn more information,register as a guest or leave a

(15:37):
review by going to the websiteoneandthreepodcastcom.
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Pinoy production News arewritten and performed by Tim

(15:59):
Crow.