Build a Deep Connection with Your Children: 5 Easy Ways

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of 15 minutes
with dad, the podcast, where wehave real conversations about
fatherhood, personal growth andthe journey to becoming the best
version of yourself.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,and today's episode is all about
something every father wantsbut sometimes struggles to
cultivate, and that's deepconnection and how we're

(00:22):
building meaningfulrelationships with our children,
our spouse and our co-parent.
We all know that beingphysically present isn't enough.
Our kids need emotionalpresence, connection and
engagement.
But between work,responsibilities and everyday
stresses of life, how do wecreate strong relationships and

(00:43):
lasting relationships with ourchildren?
In this episode, we're going toexplore why connection is the
foundation of a strongfather-child relationship, the
biggest mistakes dads make whentrying to bond with their kids
and five powerful strategies tostrengthen your connection and
build a relationship that lasts.
If you want to create deeper,more meaningful moments with

(01:04):
your kids, this episode is foryou.
Let's get started.
We often think that providingour children, making sure they
have food, shelter andopportunities, is what makes us
great fathers.
And, don't get me wrong, that'sessential.
But there's something even morecrucial the emotional bond we

(01:27):
build with them.
Why?
Because kids don't justremember what we do for them,
they remember how we made themfeel.
Studies show that children whoare strong emotional connections
with their father have higherself-esteem, are less likely to
engage in risky behaviors andperform better academically and
feel safe and more secure inrelationships later in their

(01:50):
life.
When a father is emotionallypresent, a child doesn't just
grow up, they thrive.
But let's be real, many of usweren't raised with fathers who
openly expressed love, emotionsor deep connection.
So if this is new territory foryou, you are not alone.
The good news is it's never toolate to start.

(02:14):
Now let's talk about some of thebiggest mistakes we, as fathers
, make when trying to connectwith our kids and how to avoid
them.
The biggest mistakes fathersmake when trying to connect.
All right.
So let's be honest.
Sometimes, despite our bestefforts, we feel distant from
our kids.
Maybe they don't open up to us,or maybe we feel like we're

(02:35):
trying, but the connection isn'tas deep as we'd like.
Here are three major mistakesthat can unintentionally create
emotional distance.
Three major mistakes that canunintentionally create emotional
distance.
The first trying to connect onour terms and not theirs.
We think that bonding meansdoing what we like sports,
fixing cars or talking aboutlife in ways that make sense to

(02:55):
us.
But connection happens when westep into their world, whether
it's video games, music, art orwhatever they're passionate
about.
Whether it's video games, music, art or whatever they're
passionate about, let's fix it.
Ask your child what's somethingyou love that I can do with you
and commit to doing it withgenuine interest For me and my

(03:16):
daughter.
We do quite a bit of thingstogether.
We like going to the grocerystore and just walking around,
usually to get ice cream, butsometimes nothing.
We like to go to our favoritelike corner store, our little
not corner store, but ourfavorite like market, and go buy
this big, large cookie thatthey make.
That's like a thing we do everytime we go do groceries or
something you know basketballwe're very passionate about

(03:37):
basketball through and through.
No matter what age group isplaying basketball, we give the
exact same excitement and energyto the people that are playing
the game.
So basketball is really bigCompetitiveness, like music,
dance, art, like.
We share all those thingstogether and I was talking to

(03:59):
her today about how I'm soblessed to have spent a huge
part of my life so far growingin front of her and she's gotten
to experience a part of me thatmost people will never, ever
get to know.
And so we're going to move on tothe next part, which is
thinking quality time has to bebig or special.

(04:21):
And I'm going to start.
I'm going to preface this witha story, because this statement
changed my life and I put.
I talked about it in otherepisodes as well, but there was
a person that I was friends withback in college and it was in a
dark time I think it was at thebiggest peak of my depression.
But this person was a reallyclose friend of mine and she

(04:45):
would tell me she, like I, wouldcomplain about how much I'm,
you know, I miss my daughter, orlike or I'm talking about our
relationship, or like what, therelationship I want to build
with her.
And this friend has a close,had a close relationship with
her dad, and I got to meet herdad one time and I understood.
I had a close relationship withher dad and I got to meet her

(05:07):
dad one time and I understoodwholeheartedly what that
connection means.
Like he was like in his 50s ormaybe early 60s at the time, but
I was able to see what she wastalking about in words and she
would tell me this thing she waslike kids don't care.
Your daughter doesn't careabout the big things Because I
used to, like, every time I cameinto town I lived about 600
miles away from her, so everytime I would come into town I

(05:27):
felt like I owed her anexperience.
So whether it was taking her tothe circus, taking her to the
aquarium, taking her to likejust kind of create all these
big moments that she canremember me by before I go back
off to school, and my friend waslike that doesn't matter, like
your kid don't care about thosebig things they care about, they

(05:50):
care about just going to thestore with you.
And I just told you right inthe first part here about, like,
how our relationship is built.
But literally that statementand that story then meeting her
father and seeing herrelationship with her father
really made a big impact on meand how I build my relationship
with my daughter and I can'ttell or thank her enough about

(06:14):
giving me that piece ofknowledge because it changed my
life.
So many dads think that thatdeep connection comes from those
big moments.
But real connection is built inthe small everyday moments and
it is tried and true and I standby it 1,000%.
You got to be intentional aboutthe little things Eating
together, bedtime chats or justsitting with them without

(06:34):
distractions.
I do this with my boys.
Right now I still do this withmy daughter and she's 16.
We eat together, we talk aboutstuff, we do car rides and just
talking.
She just talks and I justlisten.
You know, when she was little, Iwould go and take her to go eat
.
We had our favorite spot thatwe went to in Houston Texas that
we used to go to Loved.

(06:54):
It was called Dots and I thinkit's still there, but it's on
the southeast side off of 45.
Shout out to Dots.
They had some amazing rolls andthat's what we went there for,
because we love those rolls.
Or we'll do buffet into thepart of like the little moments
is quality time.
It's not the big I'm going tospend all my money and go broke

(07:14):
on you thing.
I've taken her to Disney Worldand I've taken her to go dancing
somewhere at this church, like.
But all of it are taken into,like these, these
pre-professional dance shows,like all those moments is still
embedded in her brain and makesa big impact on what makes our
relationship so great.
So this next part is anothermistake that dads do, and that's

(07:38):
not being emotionally open.
Many of us grew up in homeswhere dads were providers or not
there at all but notemotionally available.
A lot of families and a lot ofcultures has this where the dad
will come home and they'll justbe sitting there.
Picture this image in the 70s,80s or 60s, even where mothers

(08:03):
are at home, kid comes home fromschool, the mother's tending to
the kids and the dad just camehome from work, takes off his
shoes, sits on the couch, kickshis feet up, pulls out his paper
or listens to the radio orwatch TV or watch his favorite
show, while the kids are runningaround and jumping around and
not actually being engaged with.

(08:24):
I think that there'sgenerations that have raised
their kids and still preach thatas the way to raise your kids,
because they're going to be.
That's going to teach them howto be strong, but it's not going
to teach them how to beresilient, and we want our kids
to be open to us, but if wedon't model emotional honesty,
they won't feel safe to do thesame.
So what you can do is start withsmall emotional check-ins like

(08:48):
how was your day, what was bestpart, anything tough happened?
And and share your own answerstoo.
Every single day, I have thisconversation with my kids, from
the 16 year old to the five yearold, and when my one and a half
year old gets some words, I'mgonna talk to him the same.
But it is an on like.

(09:09):
We talk about this every day.
We check in every day.
They ask me about my day andwhen my day's tough, I let them
know how tough my day was.
But we have this consistentexchange about how things are
going on and how we work throughthem so that they learn how to
be resilient even though thingsare hard.
Now that we've covered what notto do, let's talk about five

(09:32):
powerful ways to build stronger,more meaningful relationships
with your kids.
These strategies work whetheryou have toddlers, teenagers or
adult children.
Make one on one time a priority.
Why does it work?
Kids, especially in blendedfamilies, need to feel like they
matter as individuals, not justas part of the group.

(09:53):
And how do we do it?
So we schedule solo time witheach child, even if it's just 15
minutes a week.
I get about 15 minutes a daywith each one of them.
I have four, and it requires meto give each of them attention.
I can't go a week with 15minutes.
But you can start with just 15minutes in a week and let them

(10:13):
choose the activity and just bepresent Like do it, don't talk,
don't question it, instead ofjust family movie night.
Take one child out for icecream, go on a short walk or
play their favorite game.
For my 16 year old, we gohooping together.
Sometimes we go somewhere ormaybe we'll go for ice cream for
the 10 year old.
I take him to go get some icecream sometime.

(10:34):
We do Brazilian jiu-jitsutogether.
He loves Brazilian jiu-jitsu.
I do Brazilian jiu-jitsu nowwith him and I have to pay for
it, but it's fun and I enjoy it.
I'm gonna compete soon and henow wants to compete soon,
compete soon.
And for my five-year-old, wetake drives every day because I
pick him up from daycare anddrop him off at daycare and we

(10:55):
have a whole morning that wespend with each other and it's
just me and him and myone-year-old as well.
But on some occasions, on mostoccasions, my one-year-old gets
a lot of attention, the toddlerand the one-year-old.
But like all of them and I'm ablended family, so like I have a
blended family and that solotime is so, so important for

(11:17):
them to feel like they're justnot a part of a group.
The second is be present, notjust physically there.
Kids can tell when we'redistracted, when we're there but
not really there.
How to do it Put your phonedown, give full eye contact,
acknowledge what they say withmore than just uh-huh.

(11:38):
Like, instead of just dooropeners.
Ask them like, tell me moreabout that.
Look at them and tell me more.
Just like.
Don't multitask during theirmoments.
Listen to their stories andjust engage with them and play
with their imaginations.
With my 10-year-old that's veryimportant that we play with

(11:59):
imagination, because he thinksso broadly now and his world is
getting bigger by the day andwhen we're talking about it he's
really looking to see how Ifeel and what I think about it.
But also I'm just letting him,I'm playing and bringing my
imagination up to hisimaginative level.
The third way you can do this isby learning their love language

(12:22):
.
Not all kids receive love thesame way, and this is how.
A way that you can implementthis is if they love words, give
verbal encouragement.
I'm so proud of you, you're soawesome.
I think that you are sointelligent, so growth minded.
I love how you do this thing orhow you do that.
If they love gifts, smalltokens of appreciation means a

(12:46):
lot, so like whether that belike, oh man, you did a great
job.
Like I took my boys out just forice cream just because when I
was, when I had to deal withthem on my own, I was at a
formal event and they had to besitting down and quiet and to
listen to Mariah, my 16 year old, play you know, her sax in a

(13:08):
competition.
They behaved very well and so Itook them out for ice cream
just on that note, and that wasso much fun for them.
They loved it, they were soexcited.
But I probably shouldn't havenow that I think about it,
because when we got home theywere a lot more hyper and they
were bundling up energy beforethen but I gave them sugar, but
hopefully after the fact, afterI got the ice cream and they got
home and they were hyper, thenthey crashed a lot easier.

(13:30):
So that was a trick.
But if they love time together,focus on shared activities, and
my 10-year-old Abraham is ashining piece of this.
He loves to do sharedactivities, so that quality time
and whether he's just sittingthere talking about his favorite
game or videos he's learning ortalking to you about space.
He just likes this quality timeand it makes him feel so much a

(13:53):
part of the family.
And so we're, like I saidbefore, we're doing Brazilian
Jiu Jitsu and it is so much fun.
We get to talk about what we'velearned.
He gets to watch how I expressdiscipline and he's mimicking
that as well.
And he's challenging himself.
He's opened up his door tochallenging himself to go
against failure and how do heget up from that?

(14:17):
And that whole nuance ofcompetitiveness is something
that he's learning.
And if your child responds totouch, give more hugs and high
fives.
If they act like acts ofservice, make them their
favorite breakfast.
Just because For myfour-year-old turning
five-year-old, he loves hugs,hugs and high fives.

(14:40):
He gets so excited about it.
He loves hugs and so does myone and a half year.
They love hugs and even whenhe's you know he has when my
five-year-old has big feelings,hugs come very handy at that
time.
Number four apologize and bevulnerable.

(15:00):
Kids respect authenticity.
If they see you own up tomistakes, they'll feel safe to
do the same, and I'm teachingthis to my five-year-old.
Say, I messed up earlier, Ishould have handled that
differently.
I do this with my 10-year-olds,I do this with my kids in
general, but I have to put anemphasis on my five-year-old.
He's learning authenticity andI would say share personal

(15:24):
challenges.
Make sure they're ageappropriate to show them it's
okay to struggle and grow,instead of getting defensive
when you're wrong, say you'reright.
You're right, I should havelistened better.
Or let's work on that together,like taking that moment doesn't
belittle you.
It makes you not apparent, itmakes you more human to them and

(15:44):
they are emulating you.
But if you seem like a God tothem or this perfect figure that
they have to live up to, theywill never be able to live up to
that.
But they're going to emulateyou and it's important that you
emulate great qualities.
So, like the fifth thing, Iwould say and this is something
that has made a big differencein my family because I just

(16:06):
started enacting this late lastyear but create special
traditions.
It could be stupid to anybodyelse, right, but it makes sense
to your family.
They love that stuff, kids lovethat stuff.
Like those rituals, createlifelong memories and deepening
emotional bonds.
Start with the weekly tradition, like pizza Fridays or weekend

(16:27):
heists or storytelling nights.
You can create inside jokes orsecret handshakes that are just
between you and your kids.
I have a lot of this withMariah.
I'm building it with my10-year-old as well, and the
same thing with my five-year-old.
Those inside jokes, secrethandshakes, those things are
like golden for kids to makethem feel special.

(16:47):
Maybe it's a goofy dance beforeschool, maybe it's a
handwritten note left in theirlunchbox.
The little things become thebig things.
Like during Christmas time, Ireally honed in on this, and my
daughter found it so amazingthat she would receive notes
from an elf and she's 16.
She knows it's not really froman elf, but the imagination

(17:09):
behind it made her feel so goodabout herself.
Her emotional changes weresignificant during that time.
Fatherhood isn't just aboutshowing up.
It's about showing up fully,consistently and with intention.
Today we talked about why deepconnections matter, the biggest

(17:32):
mistakes to avoid and fivepowerful strategies to build
meaningful relationships withyour kids.
See, here's your challenge.
Pick one of these fivestrategies and apply it this
week.
Whether it's one-on-one time,being more present or starting a
new tradition, take action andwatch how your connection with
your child grows.

(17:52):
If you're enjoying this series,visit 15minuteswithdadcom for
more insights, tools and ways toapply these principles.
Next week we'll be talkingabout navigating, co-parenting,
building bridges with your exfor the sake of your kids.
Until next time, be present, beintentional and build that bond

(18:12):
that lasts a lifetime.

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