Join us for a deeper dive into the crucial topic of boundaries in marriage. After a brief hiatus, we back with a fresh perspective and valuable insights to help you strengthen your relationship.
This episode explores the physical, emotional, social, and financial boundaries and why they're essential for a healthy marriage.
We share some personal stories and practical tips on how to set and maintain boundaries, emphasizing the importance of open communication, respect, and compromise.
Whether you are newlyweds or have been married for years, this episode will equip you with the tools you need to create a safe and fulfilling relationship with your spouse.
Key Takeaways:
- The importance of boundaries in protecting your marriage and fostering trust, love, and security
- Different types of boundaries and how they apply to your relationship
- Practical tips on setting and maintaining boundaries through open communication and compromise
- The consequences of not respecting boundaries and how to avoid them
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Bryan (00:01):
Picture this.
You pull up the latest viralstory on your phone.
Maybe it's a celebrity caught ina social media feud or a
politician whose privatemessages expose deeply held
secrets.
We devour these stories with amorbid fascination.
There's a fall from grace,there's exposure, there's a
public outcry.
It's a stark reminder thatprivacy is a precious thing.
(00:21):
And that a lack of boundariescan have devastating
consequences.
Natalie (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
I'm Natalie.
Bryan (00:46):
I'm Brian.
Natalie (00:46):
You hear us say this every podcast, wherever you are,
whatever you're doing, grab acoffee, grab a tea, a snack,
some popcorn, cozy blanket.
We're so glad you joined us forour chat today.
Bryan (00:57):
Absolutely.
Today we are actually going backto a that we've discussed
briefly, briefly discussed.
We had two episodes in our veryfirst season a long time ago,
uh, on boundaries in particular,and we're going to be
discussing, uh, today, a deeperdive into boundaries and going a
(01:21):
lot further and the differenttypes.
So we talked about physical andemotional, um, And we want to
get really deep into this'causewe have some topics coming up.
We have, uh, some counselorsthat we're gonna be bringing on
onto the, the episode or our,sorry, onto the podcast just to
have a chat with us aboutboundaries in regarding
children, um, moving forward.
So we have some really goodthings going on.
We have been away.
(01:42):
Uh, I know it's been a long timesince we've had a podcast, but
we've January.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We, uh, we had a
Natalie (01:50):
lot happen.
Bryan (01:51):
Yeah, we had a lot happen.
So.
Natalie (01:54):
Right after our last podcast, the end of January,
Bryan (01:59):
near the end of January, we were getting ready.
The week that we would haverecorded, we would, we had
Natalie (02:03):
to put our dog down.
So if you're a dog person, wehad a golden retriever.
Her name is Molly.
And, uh, she just had a reallyaggressive nasal cancer.
And so the prognosis was quitegrim, actually, by the time that
we had found out, um, he, shewas supposed to have been gone
(02:26):
long before she did.
And so I'm so grateful to Godfor answering our prayers and
the kids prayers for sustainingher over Christmas.
That was kind of the big thingwas.
Please let her not die overChristmas.
Yeah.
And, and I didn't want her todie here because that's just
traumatizing.
So,
Bryan (02:44):
and then in the middle of all that, um, we had right after
that happened, the play, we hadto play.
Natalie (02:51):
You went to Mexico before the play.
That's
Bryan (02:53):
right.
I had to go to Mexico.
We have about 10 churches inMexico that our church in Canada
has planted over the last 30years.
And so, um, my lead pastor and Ihad to go down and make a trip
to Mexico.
just to connect with all thepastors after COVID.
And then we had the play comeup, which is two weeks of just
consistent every evening, everyday, all day it's intense.
(03:13):
And so, uh, with sixperformances or five
performances and then tech weekbefore that, and then church,
and then we got into Easter andbaptisms and it's just been a
really busy time, but we'reback.
Natalie (03:24):
Yes.
Oh my word.
Long story short, we've had alot go on in the last two
months.
And we, I didn't want to knowthat Brian as well, just don't
want to put out content for thesake of shoot our week is here.
We really want to make sure thatwe spend some time thinking
about it, talking it through,praying about it so that it's.
(03:46):
It's, um, valuable to youlisteners.
So in a nutshell,
Bryan (03:52):
that's been the last of well, so we want to talk about,
uh, boundaries and marriages andboundaries and relationships.
And some of the things we'regoing to be talking about today
are going to be tools in yourtoolbox that we will be good for
more than just your marriage.
But we are going to focus on themarriage cause we're a
relationship podcast and that'swhere we want to go with this.
(04:13):
And so, um, There is a reasonthat there are boundaries and
there's a reason that there's athousand books on boundaries,
Christian books, non Christianbooks that there is just so much
content.
There's about boundaries.
There's a reason because whatthe one person who doesn't want
(04:33):
a healthy boundary is the onethat struggles with boundaries.
Natalie (04:37):
I would agree.
Bryan (04:38):
The one that wants to put a boundary on it generally is
doing it for good reasons, likehealthy reasons and less trying
or at least trying to, there issuch thing as, as unhealthy
manipulative boundaries thatpeople are putting in place to
get to control you, to get youto do certain things.
But that's not where we want togo today.
Today we want to talk abouthealthy marriages need to have
(04:58):
boundaries and healthyboundaries.
And the reason being is thatthose will protect the
relationship.
Okay.
So they'll protect the wellbeing of the, of the marriage.
They'll protect the connectionto each other and that
connection to your children.
If you happen to have children,
Natalie (05:12):
exactly.
I think about it like you'rebuilding a fence
Bryan (05:15):
right
Natalie (05:16):
around your house, and it's not You To shut myself out
from whatever's beyond thefence.
Yeah.
But it really is to define mypersonal space.
Yeah.
Um, and it's up to me to decidewhat I choose to let in and who
(05:36):
I choose to let in and who andwhat I choose to keep out.
Bryan (05:40):
Right.
And if you like, if you look atany.
Um, type of where you're goingto grow the most.
There's stability, there's,there's, uh, security, there's a
direction you need to go.
So boundaries, they really arethere to just help you grow and
they help you change and theyhelp you do that within the
safety of the specific rules,specific parameters.
(06:04):
Exactly.
Right.
And so I just
Natalie (06:05):
thought of this.
It's, it's like, you know, whenyou're in a garden and there,
there are weeds and weeds willgrow anywhere.
Yeah.
Right.
Right.
Toxic people, unhealthy peoplewill be everywhere in
surrounding us in our lives.
We and they will definitelychoke out the good growth and
the good progress and the gooddecisions that you're making if
(06:28):
you're not careful.
Right.
So when we think of boundaries,we're essentially doing a
weeding of our own, um,
Bryan (06:39):
Right.
Natalie (06:40):
And we'll get into sort of, we'll break it down.
I hope that made sense.
Bryan (06:43):
It does make sense.
Absolutely.
And so you're looking at like,we, there, this is the way that,
um, I've been using it the lasta while is that boundaries are
like guardrails on a mountainroad.
They prevent you from creatingoff course during the tough
times.
Natalie (06:57):
Like we live in a mountainous region and I,
there's one section.
And Um, where there's, um, whatare they called vineyards?
Oh my Lord.
Bryan (07:09):
I didn't know what you were trying to say.
So I couldn't help you,
Natalie (07:11):
uh, up on a ridge
Bryan (07:13):
and
Natalie (07:14):
the road to get there is a little sketchy.
Part of it has somewhat of aguardrail.
And when you think like you'reclimbing the mountain, doing
switchbacks on the road and it'sliterally one lane up, one lane
down and it's really narrow.
There is a huge section wherethere is absolutely no
protection from the edge.
Bryan (07:33):
Yes.
Natalie (07:33):
And it is so incredibly nerve wracking.
It doesn't matter how many timesI drive it, I'm, it's scary and
I'm holding my breath for partof it because there are no
guardrails.
I really learned to appreciatethe roads that have the
guardrails.
Bryan (07:49):
Yeah.
You're, you're also the personthat as I'm driving and I get
near, uh, Uh, a truck that haslogs on the back.
They are like, Brian, speed up,Brian, Brian, speed up.
I don't want to be next.
Brian, speed up.
Well,
Natalie (07:58):
I don't like it.
I know you don't like it behinda semi truck.
I don't like being beside a semitruck.
Bryan (08:03):
I know.
It's really funny because I'mmoving, I'm actually moving
quickly, but you're still like,no, no, no, we can't be here.
Natalie (08:09):
Exactly.
We're, I'm creating boundariesbetween myself and unsafe
situations.
I, do you see what I did there?
Bryan (08:14):
I see what you did there.
Right.
And so we, there are differenttypes of boundaries.
You want to start going throughthem?
Yeah.
Natalie (08:21):
Sure.
I mean, as we're going throughthe list, we might forget one or
we might not have even thoughtof one.
So if you're hearing us gothrough this and you're like,
gosh, they didn't talk aboutthis.
Uh, please let us know becausethis is not,
Bryan (08:36):
so here's, here's, here's the thing.
We want to lay the foundationfor these.
These are some, some, the typesof boundaries.
The reason for the boundaries isbecause they provide guardrails,
but they also help you to.
Okay.
Cultivate, uh, a relationship oftrust, of love, of care, of
maturity, stability, security.
Um, all of those things, thosethings are important in the
relationship.
(08:56):
And so that's what a boundarydoes.
A boundary isn't to manipulatecontrol to, to get them to do
what you want.
And we'll talk about that someas we move forward.
Natalie (09:06):
And, and just a precursor, some of these ones.
Oh, like as we were goingthrough them really felt like
they needed to be a separate ornot a separate, but like we
needed to create a podcastspecifically on certain ones.
So, uh, we'll let you know aboutthat.
All right.
First one, physical boundaries.
(09:26):
Yeah.
So, I mean, you might be like,well, what is that?
That is essentially respectingpersonal space and, uh, being
comfortable, my being able toarticulate my comfort in, you
know, Um, how you're touchingme, physical touch plays a part
of it.
It's not just, you know, we dothe five love languages and
physical touch and everyone justassumes that that just means
(09:49):
sexual contact and, uh, itdoesn't.
Bryan (09:51):
Yeah.
It's funny because as soon asyou mentioned intimacy anywhere,
they're all, they mean sexbecause I really a hundred
percent believe that the worldhas taken what God created for
good sex, which is between menand women to be good and healthy
and whole.
Natalie (10:04):
Yeah.
He
Bryan (10:05):
took that and the world's perverted it to mean.
But the only way you canemotionally, intimately connect
with someone else is throughsex.
Sex is a bonus, but there'sdefinitely more to intimacy than
just sex.
Natalie (10:17):
That's right.
And so public displays ofaffection.
Bryan (10:19):
So when we talk about it, we're talking about it.
We
Natalie (10:22):
talk about physical boundaries.
We're talking about, I'm aphysical person in my
environment and you are aphysical person in your
environment.
And how do we, how do weconnect?
Bryan (10:31):
Yeah.
You make it sound so boring.
Natalie (10:33):
Public displays of affection.
I mean, there are boundariesthere.
There are.
There are.
Um, you know, not everywhere isappropriate to display public
displays, right?
And I say that because, youknow, if you're traveling, not
just for you to, um, becomfortable with your spouse or
your boyfriend or girlfriend.
(10:54):
In a public area, but also, um,translates to like, if you're
traveling, there are certaincountries that prohibit certain
public displays of affection.
Bryan (11:03):
Some people are PDA people and some people aren't
PDA people and you need todiscuss that with each other.
Natalie (11:07):
But yes, communicating your level of comfort, comfort
when it comes to public displaysof affection and regarding your
personal space,
Bryan (11:17):
emotional boundaries.
Emotional boundaries,communicating your feelings, um,
well, openly while respectingeach other, uh, and respecting
each other's emotional needs.
Natalie (11:30):
Yeah.
Bryan (11:30):
Right.
Natalie (11:31):
I'm not responsible.
Bryan (11:32):
You're not responsible for your partner's happiness,
right?
Natalie (11:36):
Uh, that might seem.
Mind blowing to some people.
Bryan (11:41):
Yeah, well, especially like, do you remember the movie
Jerry Maguire?
Natalie (11:45):
Yes.
Bryan (11:47):
When that movie came out, Jerry Maguire is like, you
complete me.
No, there's not one person inthe whole world that will
completely, will they make you alittle more App to enjoy things.
They, they can finish yoursentences.
They think the same way you doin certain things.
And yet there's no way thatthere's one person in the whole
world that completely you willcomplete you.
(12:07):
And then there was this wholeculture built or I remember
saying the mean Natalie jokingaround.
We were early dating.
Oh, you complete me.
Like.
It's such a weird thing.
And then it's the
Natalie (12:16):
love goggles.
Bryan (12:16):
Do you want to be responsible for another person's
happiness based on yourbehavior?
Cause that's really what it is.
If I'm responsible for yourhappiness, that means my
behavior cannot trigger you,offend you, uh, hurt you, uh,
even poke you in any way, shape,or form.
And I'm responsible for that.
That means I would spend so muchtime trying to control my
behavior to make you happy thatI would never, I would be
(12:39):
unhappy.
Natalie (12:40):
That's right.
Speaking of controlling one'sbehavior.
You have to be so incrediblymindful that everyone expresses
emotion differently.
And your relationship should bea safe space for you to express
that emotion, however it needsto come out.
(13:00):
I need to express my emotion andif I keep it in, it's volatile.
I have to let it out.
And now there's also an air ofresponsibility on how I choose
to let that out.
Um, but I have to, not that Ineed your permission.
Um, to release that, but therehas to be an understanding of
(13:23):
just because you don't processemotion the same way I do
doesn't mean that I'm notallowed to.
Bryan (13:28):
Oh, that's, that's a really good point.
We
Natalie (13:30):
talk about emotional boundaries.
It is not sequestering someone'sneed to emotional event or like
an emotional output.
Bryan (13:40):
Right.
I, so here's, here's the thingis that like I would, uh, would
compare to this.
I know a couple been in my lifethat are quite emotional, like
emotional as in they, they areemotionally
Natalie (13:51):
in tune.
Bryan (13:52):
Well, they're emotionally in tune.
I actually really think they do.
They're really emotionally intune with themselves, but
they're also really, um, likeoutwardly expressive with their
emotions, right?
Like a guy I know will hear asong and it'll just hit him in
his heart.
And he's a, he's, this is thething.
He's an expressive manly guy,like, and he's super manly, but
he's expressive on the outside.
And so that's not how I expressemotion.
Natalie (14:14):
Right,
Bryan (14:15):
right.
But that's how he does.
Natalie (14:16):
Right.
Bryan (14:17):
And if I expected him to.
If he expected me to do what hewas going to do, and I was
expecting him to do how Iexpress emotion, we would both
just be choked.
And it's the same thing in ourmarriages is that Natalie like
totally expresses her, the, theanger or the frustration or the,
whatever's happening,
Natalie (14:36):
sadness, whatever,
Bryan (14:37):
it completely different than I will.
And I can't, I can't have theexpectation that you do it the
same way that I do because myway is just completely
different.
Natalie (14:44):
And for many years it was like that.
Bryan (14:46):
Yeah, we were expecting each other to, the love
languages.
Yeah.
Natalie (14:49):
And I was expecting him like, gosh, you're stone cold.
And you're just, right.
You're so hard.
You still joke around
Bryan (14:56):
like that, but it's not, it's not that I'm emotionless at
all.
Like I feel things just as deepas the next guy.
Natalie (15:04):
Right.
You're just not as open aboutit.
Bryan (15:06):
What was, what was you, but I'm also like, Um, I don't
need to process the same waythat you do.
Natalie (15:13):
That's right.
You are open with me about yourfeelings, but you just don't
express it.
Well, and I'm
Bryan (15:19):
yeah.
Right.
And I'm also not going to, um,let the emotions control me.
And so I logically think my waythrough things,
Natalie (15:26):
right?
As an emotional outputter.
Um, that doesn't mean that we'renot or that we're allowing our
emotions to control us becausewe are processing them
outwardly.
So I just needed to say that,um, because I know I'm not
alone.
Bryan (15:43):
I'm not saying this, but anyone else I'm saying for me, I
just don't, yeah, there's somethings that, yeah.
Okay.
The next one is socialboundaries.
Natalie (15:50):
And this includes social media boundaries.
This is our life now is socialmedia.
Bryan (15:55):
Absolutely.
It's a, it's an interesting,
Natalie (15:59):
so we think of social boundaries are social settings.
So this is our friends, ourfamily, right?
Um, like extended family inlaws, that whole gamut.
And then the social mediaelement of it is what am I
choosing to.
Yep.
Let in.
Remember we talked about thisfence around our, our house
scenario.
(16:19):
What am I choosing to engage inon social media?
Bryan (16:24):
Yep.
Natalie (16:25):
Are these healthy,
Bryan (16:27):
right?
Yeah.
Natalie (16:28):
Right.
And so I think settingboundaries with, you know,
communications on social media,because you know, um, we were
talking about this earlier.
What you put out there is outthere and you might delete it
and think, whew, it's gone.
It ain't gone.
It's not gone.
Yeah.
It can be, um, retracted.
(16:50):
Yeah.
Is that the right word?
So I think making sure that, youknow, with the intro that Brian
was saying about, about thesescenarios that celebrities and
politicians and people who arejust out there on social media
have, um, and in social settingscan be really detrimental if you
(17:13):
do not have strict boundaries inplace for, you know,
Bryan (17:16):
Yep.
Absolutely.
I agree.
And we have something in ourhouse too, where our kids that
are under 18, we're allowed tolook at their phone whenever
they want.
Natalie has access to my phone,my emails, my church email,
anything that she needs at anytime.
And, and it's not that shedoesn't trust me and it's not
that I don't trust her.
It's because I don't want togive her any reason to doubt or
(17:38):
to have shade cast.
Right.
Right.
Natalie (17:43):
I use my phone a lot and, and I'm not out looking at
weird, gross, scandalous,whatever things, but I'm also
aware what are they, if they'relike, Oh mom, I don't, you know,
what was, um, you know, onInstagram or whatever.
And they opened my Instagram andit's just a bunch of crap on
(18:04):
there.
I also am mindful of that.
Right.
Right.
So like making sure that.
Um, what I'm choosing to take inon a social media element is
appropriate.
Bryan (18:18):
Absolutely.
And so going from social, we goto financial boundaries.
Natalie (18:21):
Well, did we talk about just, I mean, I know we really
focused on the social mediapart, but just the social
boundaries of really making surethat you have things in place.
And we talked about this atChristmas time when it was, um,
dealing with family and theexpectations of, um, your space
and invading that space, reallymaking sure that the people,
whether they're family.
(18:42):
Um, or not healthy boundaries asfar as like, no, and, and if you
have that relationship whereyour family can just come and
waltz in whenever they pleaseand, and then good on you.
Um, uh, we don't, and, uh, wewon't, right.
And though we have an excellentrelationship with, um, Brian's
(19:03):
family, there's still respect,right?
For our boundaries.
Bryan (19:06):
Yeah.
So social boundaries, moving onto financial boundaries, uh,
we're creating budgets, you'rediscussing the spending habits.
There's oftentimes in arelationship, a spender and a
saver.
Um, and you want to decide,decide as much as you can at a
time.
And it's interesting causethere's two, two of the main
reasons that people getdivorced.
are finances and lack ofcommunication.
(19:29):
It's funny because it's a lackof communication about finances
that leads to the fact thatthey're not communicating, so
they end up getting divorcedbecause they're not talking
about that.
And sex
Natalie (19:38):
is the third one, just saying.
Bryan (19:39):
Yeah, well, and I'm 100 percent sure that those stats
have probably changed by now.
Uh, things of this different,but the financial boundaries,
you need to communicate aboutyour boundaries.
Natalie (19:47):
Yes.
And, um, if you have addictivepatterns in regarding to
finances, right where, um,
Bryan (19:57):
you're going to get married and he has 30, 000 in
credit card that you didn't knowabout.
Natalie (20:00):
Exactly.
Right.
You need to really talk aboutthat.
Student loan debts.
Bryan (20:03):
Yeah.
Natalie (20:03):
Yeah.
Right.
Like a weed problem.
Bryan (20:08):
You're just spending a hundred dollars a week on, on
smoking weed or cigarettes orcigars or
Natalie (20:12):
right.
So these are huge, um, issuesand then some financial, uh,
struggles end up coming later onsuch as fertility issues and
things like that.
And so you can't plan.
Well, I mean, I would plan worstcase scenario, but I don't think
I'm the norm population.
I think the majority of peopleplan for the future, but they
(20:36):
don't take every single thingthat could go wrong into, into
consideration when they're doingso.
Right.
So, I mean, we do, uh, a zerobased budget.
So our money is allotted to,Specific areas, um, and we have
it all listed and, um, we workout of that.
(20:59):
So we work within our two weekpaychecks and we categorize and
we organize where the money goesand like, this is how much we
have for groceries and this isfor gas and this is for this and
that and the other.
And um, that's it.
The rest, you know, is creditcard debt and their savings.
And that's it for the next paidtill the next pay period.
(21:22):
Right.
So, um, we haven't always done azero based budget.
We have tried multiple differentthings and hopefully this will
stick and this will, you know,kind of work, but ever evolving.
Right,
Bryan (21:36):
right.
Natalie (21:37):
We have to be talking about it.
Bryan (21:38):
So financial boundaries moving on to.
And our next one is going to betalking about setting and
maintaining these boundaries.
What we're going to do, um, iswe're going to move, and this is
going to end up being two,because I feel like the, the
next, this is going to be twoepisodes.
So the next one is going to beon the three that we're looking
to talk about is communication,sexual boundaries, and spiritual
(22:00):
boundaries.
And those are really importantand we don't want to, Move too
quickly.
Right.
And so we're just going to talkabout maintaining and take a few
minutes here and just talk abouthow we set some of these
boundaries.
So Natalie, how would we set areally good boundary in, in, in
a marriage?
What have we done?
I mean, I
Natalie (22:15):
feel like we sound like a broken record, but open
communication and we honestlyhad to learn how to communicate
properly.
Right.
Um, and we tried all differentkinds of methods.
Um, if you've been a long timelistener, um, that didn't work.
So we had to one, um, just behonest.
Bryan (22:36):
You can't, you can't do without honesty, right?
Natalie (22:41):
We don't have all the answers.
We don't have all the rightlanguage or lingo to be able to
express ourselves perfectlyevery single time.
But one thing that we've aimedto be is clear.
And direct and clearly state theY.
Bryan (23:02):
Yeah,
Natalie (23:03):
to the boundary.
Bryan (23:04):
Yeah, absolutely.
Natalie (23:05):
Right.
And being as clear as we can.
And there's nothing wrong withasking for Um, clarification and
we have, it just avoids, um, anargument potentially later on
down the road.
It avoids mixed messages,
Bryan (23:20):
which is a good, it's a good tool to have in your tool
belt anyway.
And then in communication withyour friends, like, um, when I'm
having a discussion with myfriend, Nathan, we'll be talking
about like theology or we'lltalk about how we hate this
movie or whatever it happens tobe.
We're sitting around talking andhe'd be like, no, no, no.
What do you mean by that?
Like, I don't understand whatyou meant by that.
Or like even identifying thefeeling like, Hey, you, it
(23:43):
sounds like you're beingfrustrated to say, and then it
gives you an open and a questionto ask like, Hey, this is the
thing that I'm feeling rightnow.
And you're like, Oh, well he, heor she is like, I see that.
I could say that.
And if not, it sounds likeyou're mad.
What are we mad about?
Right.
And knowing that, like I'msecure enough in the
relationship now, I would saythat when I asked that question,
(24:05):
Hey, what are you mad?
I know that it's not me.
It used to be like, I'd besitting in the corner.
We're like, man, you
Natalie (24:09):
don't know.
I'm not telling you.
Yeah.
Bryan (24:11):
That is a cultural, um, marriage thing that needs to be
killed.
And women, you should never dothat to men and men don't try
and guess.
Cause you get yourself into moretrouble.
Natalie (24:21):
And if you're the reverse and men.
If you don't know.
If your man is doing that, then,um, that's, that's equally,
that's a no no, and don't dothat.
And it's not up to your, um,
Bryan (24:33):
wife to
Natalie (24:35):
try to figure that out.
Bryan (24:36):
Never in the history of humankind has there ever been a
person that's been able to readanother person's mind.
And so it's actually impossible.
So you want to be clear, direct.
Do you want to respect your, Ilove that respect.
You're supposed to boundary
Natalie (24:47):
that's, I mean, duh, what is it?
Mark, Mark
Bryan (24:50):
Gungor all the time.
Uh, this is, he says this toguys, he says this to guys, uh,
Mark Gungor, laugh your way tobetter marriage.
Amazing training.
Uh, he says, be nice to thegirl.
And can I
Natalie (25:02):
say be nice to the guy?
Bryan (25:04):
Be nice to the guy.
Yeah.
Respect the man.
Love the woman.
Um, do what you got to do, butyou have to have boundaries and
you need to respect them.
And there are boundaries inevery relationship.
Even if, even if they're nothealthy boundaries, there's
boundaries.
Natalie (25:17):
Yeah,
Bryan (25:18):
right like they could be you could have like 10 really
good boundaries in each other'srelationships And your guys are
this flying but then there'sthree that are twisted that you
just don't know are like ohThat's not the right boundary,
right?
But they could be goodboundaries.
It could be bad boundaries, butyou want to respect each other
Natalie (25:35):
And hopefully the, the, the, the not so healthy
boundaries, there's anawareness, there's a self
awareness, whether it's throughcounseling or someone brings it
to your attention or you come tothat self realization, there's,
it's not a lost cause, um, butyou don't get, how do I word
(25:57):
this?
You don't have to like itbecause the boundary is not
about you.
The boundary is about me.
Bryan (26:05):
Yeah.
I would say too that a common.
Thing in marriage is thatthere's some things in our
relationship that we disagreeon, but they're not like a major
deal breaker things.
It's not like, I want to be adifferent religion than you, or
(26:25):
I think it's okay to, to like bea heavy drinker.
And you're like, no, that's notgood.
Or like, you know, like just,there's things that we just
disagree on that are minor.
I think for the most part, wealways agree on the majors and
when we're, we're workingthrough these things.
Like, we may not agree, but wecan say to each other, I agree
to disagree with you on this.
Natalie (26:45):
Yeah.
And let's talk about that wordagreement.
It's not about trying to beat mypoint to death to get you to
finally understand or to, tostand with me in my conviction
or to stand with me in mydecision.
Communications about seeking tounderstand,
Bryan (27:04):
to understand the other person, right?
Natalie (27:06):
I honestly don't care if you agree with me or not.
Bryan (27:08):
Sometimes.
Natalie (27:10):
I just want you to understand
Bryan (27:13):
my
Natalie (27:13):
perspective and where I'm coming from.
I'm not asking you to agree withme.
Bryan (27:17):
And, and the thing is, is that there's a, I think it's Zig
Ziglar.
He wrote a book and he said,most people listen with the
intent to respond, not with theintent to understand.
Natalie (27:27):
Oh, no.
Truer words have been spoken.
Well, yes, they're probablytruer words,
Bryan (27:31):
but, but, but for this context, yeah, no, no, no.
But it is extremely true.
Sometimes in an argument, I'mheated enough that I'm not
listening to understand whatNatalie is saying to me.
I'm listening to, I have areally good response and it's
going to Trump her and I'm goingto win this argument and I'm
going to be the man.
And really all it does is itdrives, oftentimes it drives a
wedge further between you inthat exact moment.
Natalie (27:55):
Right.
Because I'm a bigger person nowand I'll just not engage.
Right.
And I won't take the bait.
Bryan (28:00):
Yeah.
And vice versa.
Which
Natalie (28:03):
leads, I mean, this just couldn't get any better.
Right?
It segues into consequences.
Well,
Bryan (28:08):
it's funny.
I'm going to choose
Natalie (28:09):
to opt out of the game that you're playing and not play
it.
Bryan (28:12):
Yeah.
When it comes
Natalie (28:13):
to boundaries.
Bryan (28:14):
And then when you're trying to bait me and I don't.
And if I don't, then it'llhonestly, it'll fizzle out.
But
Natalie (28:21):
if I
Bryan (28:22):
do respond and we end up in a fight for some reason, the
consequences are quite evident.
We're uncomfortable for a while.
We could be angry.
We're, we're esteemed aboutwhatever happens to be going on.
Maybe I said something I shouldhave and the consequences are,
The fact that we've just createda rift in the relationship
unnecessarily because I want torespond not to understand.
Natalie (28:40):
Right.
And which created undue stressfor both of us.
And then we have children, whichcreates a whole set of anxiety
issues for them.
Bryan (28:48):
And I would say that if you're looking with the intent
to respond and not understand,you're more willing to overcome
the, or to step over a boundaryto get that response out, not
the understanding.
I'm, I'm willing to step overyour boundary if I'm only
wanting to respond to you, neverto understand you.
Natalie (29:07):
Oh, okay.
Bryan (29:07):
Right.
That make more sense?
Yes.
Yeah, absolutely.
Natalie (29:10):
Um, but there are consequences.
Bryan (29:13):
Right.
Natalie (29:14):
There's a lack of trust.
So it's not just like a physicalconsequence of, well, I'm going
into this room then.
I mean, yes, sometimes.
I need to cool my jets and Ineed to go into a different
space and there's nothing wrongwith that.
But there's times where it's,it's an emotional, um,
consequence or there's a mentalconsequence or, um, the
(29:39):
consequences I've checked out oryou've checked out, or we're
just not even willing to talk toeach other.
Right.
Right.
Those are consequences.
You need to discuss, Hey, theseare my concretes.
And these are the things thatare not going to be tolerated.
Right.
Bryan (29:57):
And here's the thing is that, um, We've learned as well
in our marriage is that you canactually compromise.
Natalie (30:06):
Oh, yeah.
And we've done that on a lot ofdifferent things because, you
know, you just don't realizehow, um, maybe, oh, we might get
into that one more.
When we talked about the sexualexpectations or the sexual,
Boundaries.
Bryan (30:21):
Right.
But like thinking likeboundaries do change.
Like as you grow, you mature,you, uh, job shift, hearts
change.
Like you just, you grow andmature really.
It's growing mature.
That's the goal.
And, and the boundaries willchange as, as you have different
expectations.
Um, but, Oh, I love this line.
(30:42):
Be open to negotiation.
I don't, I remember we wentthrough the stage where we were
bargaining.
I'll do this.
If you do this.
It was,
Natalie (30:50):
and it really
Bryan (30:51):
worked and it was super fun.
Natalie (30:52):
It was.
Um, so yeah, it's not that, youknow, we're compromising by, um,
sabotaging or, um, like yousaid, not respecting and just
crossing over the boundary line.
This is not what we're talkingabout when we're saying willing
to compromise.
No.
Coming to a place of thatunderstanding.
(31:13):
And of, of like, is this adiehard boundary or is this one
that has some wiggle room forsome bargaining in there?
Bryan (31:21):
That's a really good point.
I think, I think almost mostthings, most things have space
to negotiate space to compromisespace to go most things.
I wouldn't say all things causethat would be kind of silly to
make that an absolute.
But if you are so willing to dieon a certain hill, um, it
(31:43):
actually causes.
More rift between you and yourspouse.
Natalie (31:48):
Do I think it, you can't, we can't generalize it
though.
Bryan (31:52):
No.
Natalie (31:52):
Right.
Cause it's, it's.
Bryan (31:54):
It's so specific to every couple and what your values are
and what you care about and thethings that you're fighting for
in your relationship.
Natalie (32:01):
I think, I think within each of the ones that we've
talked about and especially theones we're going into, there are
some concrete things that arenon negotiable.
Bryan (32:08):
Yeah, absolutely.
Natalie (32:09):
Right.
Yeah, absolutely.
Bryan (32:10):
Yeah.
Um, that was, that was a reallygreat conversation.
It's a good start to our, uh,our boundaries, eh?
Natalie (32:16):
Yes.
I'm, I'm really excited forthis.
Bryan (32:19):
Absolutely.
If you like our podcast, itreally means a lot to us when
you share it, you let peopleknow about Amplified Marriage.
You can follow us on Instagramor Facebook, uh, you hear the
say this all the time.
You can go to our website atamplifiedmarriage.
ca, uh, at the bottom on theright hand side, there is a
little voicemail tab.
You can actually.
(32:40):
Hit that button, record aquestion and we'd love to hear
from you, but if you do have atopic or a question or anything
you'd like to discuss, pleaseemail us, send us a DM, but you
can email us at AmplifyMarriageat gmail.
com.
And as you hear us say all thetime, we believe this with all
of our heart because it happenedto us.
We believe that your marriagecan be reset, refreshed,
recharged,
Natalie (32:59):
and restored.
Thanks for listening.
Talk to you soon.
Picture this.
You pull up the latest viralstory on your phone.
Maybe it's a celebrity caught ina social media feud or a
politician whose privatemessages expose deeply held
secrets.
We devour these stories with amorbid fascination.
There's a fall from grace,there's exposure, there's a
public outcry.
It's a stark reminder thatprivacy is a precious thing.
(00:21):
And that a lack of boundariescan have devastating
consequences.
Natalie (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
I'm Natalie.
Bryan (00:46):
I'm Brian.
Natalie (00:46):
You hear us say this every podcast, wherever you are,
whatever you're doing, grab acoffee, grab a tea, a snack,
some popcorn, cozy blanket.
We're so glad you joined us forour chat today.
Bryan (00:57):
Absolutely.
Today we are actually going backto a that we've discussed
briefly, briefly discussed.
We had two episodes in our veryfirst season a long time ago,
uh, on boundaries in particular,and we're going to be
discussing, uh, today, a deeperdive into boundaries and going a
(01:21):
lot further and the differenttypes.
So we talked about physical andemotional, um, And we want to
get really deep into this'causewe have some topics coming up.
We have, uh, some counselorsthat we're gonna be bringing on
onto the, the episode or our,sorry, onto the podcast just to
have a chat with us aboutboundaries in regarding
children, um, moving forward.
So we have some really goodthings going on.
We have been away.
(01:42):
Uh, I know it's been a long timesince we've had a podcast, but
we've January.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We, uh, we had a
Natalie (01:50):
lot happen.
Bryan (01:51):
Yeah, we had a lot happen.
So.
Natalie (01:54):
Right after our last podcast, the end of January,
Bryan (01:59):
near the end of January, we were getting ready.
The week that we would haverecorded, we would, we had
Natalie (02:03):
to put our dog down.
So if you're a dog person, wehad a golden retriever.
Her name is Molly.
And, uh, she just had a reallyaggressive nasal cancer.
And so the prognosis was quitegrim, actually, by the time that
we had found out, um, he, shewas supposed to have been gone
(02:26):
long before she did.
And so I'm so grateful to Godfor answering our prayers and
the kids prayers for sustainingher over Christmas.
That was kind of the big thingwas.
Please let her not die overChristmas.
Yeah.
And, and I didn't want her todie here because that's just
traumatizing.
So,
Bryan (02:44):
and then in the middle of all that, um, we had right after
that happened, the play, we hadto play.
Natalie (02:51):
You went to Mexico before the play.
That's
Bryan (02:53):
right.
I had to go to Mexico.
We have about 10 churches inMexico that our church in Canada
has planted over the last 30years.
And so, um, my lead pastor and Ihad to go down and make a trip
to Mexico.
just to connect with all thepastors after COVID.
And then we had the play comeup, which is two weeks of just
consistent every evening, everyday, all day it's intense.
(03:13):
And so, uh, with sixperformances or five
performances and then tech weekbefore that, and then church,
and then we got into Easter andbaptisms and it's just been a
really busy time, but we'reback.
Natalie (03:24):
Yes.
Oh my word.
Long story short, we've had alot go on in the last two
months.
And we, I didn't want to knowthat Brian as well, just don't
want to put out content for thesake of shoot our week is here.
We really want to make sure thatwe spend some time thinking
about it, talking it through,praying about it so that it's.
(03:46):
It's, um, valuable to youlisteners.
So in a nutshell,
Bryan (03:52):
that's been the last of well, so we want to talk about,
uh, boundaries and marriages andboundaries and relationships.
And some of the things we'regoing to be talking about today
are going to be tools in yourtoolbox that we will be good for
more than just your marriage.
But we are going to focus on themarriage cause we're a
relationship podcast and that'swhere we want to go with this.
(04:13):
And so, um, There is a reasonthat there are boundaries and
there's a reason that there's athousand books on boundaries,
Christian books, non Christianbooks that there is just so much
content.
There's about boundaries.
There's a reason because whatthe one person who doesn't want
(04:33):
a healthy boundary is the onethat struggles with boundaries.
Natalie (04:37):
I would agree.
Bryan (04:38):
The one that wants to put a boundary on it generally is
doing it for good reasons, likehealthy reasons and less trying
or at least trying to, there issuch thing as, as unhealthy
manipulative boundaries thatpeople are putting in place to
get to control you, to get youto do certain things.
But that's not where we want togo today.
Today we want to talk abouthealthy marriages need to have
(04:58):
boundaries and healthyboundaries.
And the reason being is thatthose will protect the
relationship.
Okay.
So they'll protect the wellbeing of the, of the marriage.
They'll protect the connectionto each other and that
connection to your children.
If you happen to have children,
Natalie (05:12):
exactly.
I think about it like you'rebuilding a fence
Bryan (05:15):
right
Natalie (05:16):
around your house, and it's not You To shut myself out
from whatever's beyond thefence.
Yeah.
But it really is to define mypersonal space.
Yeah.
Um, and it's up to me to decidewhat I choose to let in and who
(05:36):
I choose to let in and who andwhat I choose to keep out.
Bryan (05:40):
Right.
And if you like, if you look atany.
Um, type of where you're goingto grow the most.
There's stability, there's,there's, uh, security, there's a
direction you need to go.
So boundaries, they really arethere to just help you grow and
they help you change and theyhelp you do that within the
safety of the specific rules,specific parameters.
(06:04):
Exactly.
Right.
And so I just
Natalie (06:05):
thought of this.
It's, it's like, you know, whenyou're in a garden and there,
there are weeds and weeds willgrow anywhere.
Yeah.
Right.
Right.
Toxic people, unhealthy peoplewill be everywhere in
surrounding us in our lives.
We and they will definitelychoke out the good growth and
the good progress and the gooddecisions that you're making if
(06:28):
you're not careful.
Right.
So when we think of boundaries,we're essentially doing a
weeding of our own, um,
Bryan (06:39):
Right.
Natalie (06:40):
And we'll get into sort of, we'll break it down.
I hope that made sense.
Bryan (06:43):
It does make sense.
Absolutely.
And so you're looking at like,we, there, this is the way that,
um, I've been using it the lasta while is that boundaries are
like guardrails on a mountainroad.
They prevent you from creatingoff course during the tough
times.
Natalie (06:57):
Like we live in a mountainous region and I,
there's one section.
And Um, where there's, um, whatare they called vineyards?
Oh my Lord.
Bryan (07:09):
I didn't know what you were trying to say.
So I couldn't help you,
Natalie (07:11):
uh, up on a ridge
Bryan (07:13):
and
Natalie (07:14):
the road to get there is a little sketchy.
Part of it has somewhat of aguardrail.
And when you think like you'reclimbing the mountain, doing
switchbacks on the road and it'sliterally one lane up, one lane
down and it's really narrow.
There is a huge section wherethere is absolutely no
protection from the edge.
Bryan (07:33):
Yes.
Natalie (07:33):
And it is so incredibly nerve wracking.
It doesn't matter how many timesI drive it, I'm, it's scary and
I'm holding my breath for partof it because there are no
guardrails.
I really learned to appreciatethe roads that have the
guardrails.
Bryan (07:49):
Yeah.
You're, you're also the personthat as I'm driving and I get
near, uh, Uh, a truck that haslogs on the back.
They are like, Brian, speed up,Brian, Brian, speed up.
I don't want to be next.
Brian, speed up.
Well,
Natalie (07:58):
I don't like it.
I know you don't like it behinda semi truck.
I don't like being beside a semitruck.
Bryan (08:03):
I know.
It's really funny because I'mmoving, I'm actually moving
quickly, but you're still like,no, no, no, we can't be here.
Natalie (08:09):
Exactly.
We're, I'm creating boundariesbetween myself and unsafe
situations.
I, do you see what I did there?
Bryan (08:14):
I see what you did there.
Right.
And so we, there are differenttypes of boundaries.
You want to start going throughthem?
Yeah.
Natalie (08:21):
Sure.
I mean, as we're going throughthe list, we might forget one or
we might not have even thoughtof one.
So if you're hearing us gothrough this and you're like,
gosh, they didn't talk aboutthis.
Uh, please let us know becausethis is not,
Bryan (08:36):
so here's, here's, here's the thing.
We want to lay the foundationfor these.
These are some, some, the typesof boundaries.
The reason for the boundaries isbecause they provide guardrails,
but they also help you to.
Okay.
Cultivate, uh, a relationship oftrust, of love, of care, of
maturity, stability, security.
Um, all of those things, thosethings are important in the
relationship.
(08:56):
And so that's what a boundarydoes.
A boundary isn't to manipulatecontrol to, to get them to do
what you want.
And we'll talk about that someas we move forward.
Natalie (09:06):
And, and just a precursor, some of these ones.
Oh, like as we were goingthrough them really felt like
they needed to be a separate ornot a separate, but like we
needed to create a podcastspecifically on certain ones.
So, uh, we'll let you know aboutthat.
All right.
First one, physical boundaries.
(09:26):
Yeah.
So, I mean, you might be like,well, what is that?
That is essentially respectingpersonal space and, uh, being
comfortable, my being able toarticulate my comfort in, you
know, Um, how you're touchingme, physical touch plays a part
of it.
It's not just, you know, we dothe five love languages and
physical touch and everyone justassumes that that just means
(09:49):
sexual contact and, uh, itdoesn't.
Bryan (09:51):
Yeah.
It's funny because as soon asyou mentioned intimacy anywhere,
they're all, they mean sexbecause I really a hundred
percent believe that the worldhas taken what God created for
good sex, which is between menand women to be good and healthy
and whole.
Natalie (10:04):
Yeah.
He
Bryan (10:05):
took that and the world's perverted it to mean.
But the only way you canemotionally, intimately connect
with someone else is throughsex.
Sex is a bonus, but there'sdefinitely more to intimacy than
just sex.
Natalie (10:17):
That's right.
And so public displays ofaffection.
Bryan (10:19):
So when we talk about it, we're talking about it.
We
Natalie (10:22):
talk about physical boundaries.
We're talking about, I'm aphysical person in my
environment and you are aphysical person in your
environment.
And how do we, how do weconnect?
Bryan (10:31):
Yeah.
You make it sound so boring.
Natalie (10:33):
Public displays of affection.
I mean, there are boundariesthere.
There are.
There are.
Um, you know, not everywhere isappropriate to display public
displays, right?
And I say that because, youknow, if you're traveling, not
just for you to, um, becomfortable with your spouse or
your boyfriend or girlfriend.
(10:54):
In a public area, but also, um,translates to like, if you're
traveling, there are certaincountries that prohibit certain
public displays of affection.
Bryan (11:03):
Some people are PDA people and some people aren't
PDA people and you need todiscuss that with each other.
Natalie (11:07):
But yes, communicating your level of comfort, comfort
when it comes to public displaysof affection and regarding your
personal space,
Bryan (11:17):
emotional boundaries.
Emotional boundaries,communicating your feelings, um,
well, openly while respectingeach other, uh, and respecting
each other's emotional needs.
Natalie (11:30):
Yeah.
Bryan (11:30):
Right.
Natalie (11:31):
I'm not responsible.
Bryan (11:32):
You're not responsible for your partner's happiness,
right?
Natalie (11:36):
Uh, that might seem.
Mind blowing to some people.
Bryan (11:41):
Yeah, well, especially like, do you remember the movie
Jerry Maguire?
Natalie (11:45):
Yes.
Bryan (11:47):
When that movie came out, Jerry Maguire is like, you
complete me.
No, there's not one person inthe whole world that will
completely, will they make you alittle more App to enjoy things.
They, they can finish yoursentences.
They think the same way you doin certain things.
And yet there's no way thatthere's one person in the whole
world that completely you willcomplete you.
(12:07):
And then there was this wholeculture built or I remember
saying the mean Natalie jokingaround.
We were early dating.
Oh, you complete me.
Like.
It's such a weird thing.
And then it's the
Natalie (12:16):
love goggles.
Bryan (12:16):
Do you want to be responsible for another person's
happiness based on yourbehavior?
Cause that's really what it is.
If I'm responsible for yourhappiness, that means my
behavior cannot trigger you,offend you, uh, hurt you, uh,
even poke you in any way, shape,or form.
And I'm responsible for that.
That means I would spend so muchtime trying to control my
behavior to make you happy thatI would never, I would be
(12:39):
unhappy.
Natalie (12:40):
That's right.
Speaking of controlling one'sbehavior.
You have to be so incrediblymindful that everyone expresses
emotion differently.
And your relationship should bea safe space for you to express
that emotion, however it needsto come out.
(13:00):
I need to express my emotion andif I keep it in, it's volatile.
I have to let it out.
And now there's also an air ofresponsibility on how I choose
to let that out.
Um, but I have to, not that Ineed your permission.
Um, to release that, but therehas to be an understanding of
(13:23):
just because you don't processemotion the same way I do
doesn't mean that I'm notallowed to.
Bryan (13:28):
Oh, that's, that's a really good point.
We
Natalie (13:30):
talk about emotional boundaries.
It is not sequestering someone'sneed to emotional event or like
an emotional output.
Bryan (13:40):
Right.
I, so here's, here's the thingis that like I would, uh, would
compare to this.
I know a couple been in my lifethat are quite emotional, like
emotional as in they, they areemotionally
Natalie (13:51):
in tune.
Bryan (13:52):
Well, they're emotionally in tune.
I actually really think they do.
They're really emotionally intune with themselves, but
they're also really, um, likeoutwardly expressive with their
emotions, right?
Like a guy I know will hear asong and it'll just hit him in
his heart.
And he's a, he's, this is thething.
He's an expressive manly guy,like, and he's super manly, but
he's expressive on the outside.
And so that's not how I expressemotion.
Natalie (14:14):
Right,
Bryan (14:15):
right.
But that's how he does.
Natalie (14:16):
Right.
Bryan (14:17):
And if I expected him to.
If he expected me to do what hewas going to do, and I was
expecting him to do how Iexpress emotion, we would both
just be choked.
And it's the same thing in ourmarriages is that Natalie like
totally expresses her, the, theanger or the frustration or the,
whatever's happening,
Natalie (14:36):
sadness, whatever,
Bryan (14:37):
it completely different than I will.
And I can't, I can't have theexpectation that you do it the
same way that I do because myway is just completely
different.
Natalie (14:44):
And for many years it was like that.
Bryan (14:46):
Yeah, we were expecting each other to, the love
languages.
Yeah.
Natalie (14:49):
And I was expecting him like, gosh, you're stone cold.
And you're just, right.
You're so hard.
You still joke around
Bryan (14:56):
like that, but it's not, it's not that I'm emotionless at
all.
Like I feel things just as deepas the next guy.
Natalie (15:04):
Right.
You're just not as open aboutit.
Bryan (15:06):
What was, what was you, but I'm also like, Um, I don't
need to process the same waythat you do.
Natalie (15:13):
That's right.
You are open with me about yourfeelings, but you just don't
express it.
Well, and I'm
Bryan (15:19):
yeah.
Right.
And I'm also not going to, um,let the emotions control me.
And so I logically think my waythrough things,
Natalie (15:26):
right?
As an emotional outputter.
Um, that doesn't mean that we'renot or that we're allowing our
emotions to control us becausewe are processing them
outwardly.
So I just needed to say that,um, because I know I'm not
alone.
Bryan (15:43):
I'm not saying this, but anyone else I'm saying for me, I
just don't, yeah, there's somethings that, yeah.
Okay.
The next one is socialboundaries.
Natalie (15:50):
And this includes social media boundaries.
This is our life now is socialmedia.
Bryan (15:55):
Absolutely.
It's a, it's an interesting,
Natalie (15:59):
so we think of social boundaries are social settings.
So this is our friends, ourfamily, right?
Um, like extended family inlaws, that whole gamut.
And then the social mediaelement of it is what am I
choosing to.
Yep.
Let in.
Remember we talked about thisfence around our, our house
scenario.
(16:19):
What am I choosing to engage inon social media?
Bryan (16:24):
Yep.
Natalie (16:25):
Are these healthy,
Bryan (16:27):
right?
Yeah.
Natalie (16:28):
Right.
And so I think settingboundaries with, you know,
communications on social media,because you know, um, we were
talking about this earlier.
What you put out there is outthere and you might delete it
and think, whew, it's gone.
It ain't gone.
It's not gone.
Yeah.
It can be, um, retracted.
(16:50):
Yeah.
Is that the right word?
So I think making sure that, youknow, with the intro that Brian
was saying about, about thesescenarios that celebrities and
politicians and people who arejust out there on social media
have, um, and in social settingscan be really detrimental if you
(17:13):
do not have strict boundaries inplace for, you know,
Bryan (17:16):
Yep.
Absolutely.
I agree.
And we have something in ourhouse too, where our kids that
are under 18, we're allowed tolook at their phone whenever
they want.
Natalie has access to my phone,my emails, my church email,
anything that she needs at anytime.
And, and it's not that shedoesn't trust me and it's not
that I don't trust her.
It's because I don't want togive her any reason to doubt or
(17:38):
to have shade cast.
Right.
Right.
Natalie (17:43):
I use my phone a lot and, and I'm not out looking at
weird, gross, scandalous,whatever things, but I'm also
aware what are they, if they'relike, Oh mom, I don't, you know,
what was, um, you know, onInstagram or whatever.
And they opened my Instagram andit's just a bunch of crap on
(18:04):
there.
I also am mindful of that.
Right.
Right.
So like making sure that.
Um, what I'm choosing to take inon a social media element is
appropriate.
Bryan (18:18):
Absolutely.
And so going from social, we goto financial boundaries.
Natalie (18:21):
Well, did we talk about just, I mean, I know we really
focused on the social mediapart, but just the social
boundaries of really making surethat you have things in place.
And we talked about this atChristmas time when it was, um,
dealing with family and theexpectations of, um, your space
and invading that space, reallymaking sure that the people,
whether they're family.
(18:42):
Um, or not healthy boundaries asfar as like, no, and, and if you
have that relationship whereyour family can just come and
waltz in whenever they pleaseand, and then good on you.
Um, uh, we don't, and, uh, wewon't, right.
And though we have an excellentrelationship with, um, Brian's
(19:03):
family, there's still respect,right?
For our boundaries.
Bryan (19:06):
Yeah.
So social boundaries, moving onto financial boundaries, uh,
we're creating budgets, you'rediscussing the spending habits.
There's oftentimes in arelationship, a spender and a
saver.
Um, and you want to decide,decide as much as you can at a
time.
And it's interesting causethere's two, two of the main
reasons that people getdivorced.
are finances and lack ofcommunication.
(19:29):
It's funny because it's a lackof communication about finances
that leads to the fact thatthey're not communicating, so
they end up getting divorcedbecause they're not talking
about that.
And sex
Natalie (19:38):
is the third one, just saying.
Bryan (19:39):
Yeah, well, and I'm 100 percent sure that those stats
have probably changed by now.
Uh, things of this different,but the financial boundaries,
you need to communicate aboutyour boundaries.
Natalie (19:47):
Yes.
And, um, if you have addictivepatterns in regarding to
finances, right where, um,
Bryan (19:57):
you're going to get married and he has 30, 000 in
credit card that you didn't knowabout.
Natalie (20:00):
Exactly.
Right.
You need to really talk aboutthat.
Student loan debts.
Bryan (20:03):
Yeah.
Natalie (20:03):
Yeah.
Right.
Like a weed problem.
Bryan (20:08):
You're just spending a hundred dollars a week on, on
smoking weed or cigarettes orcigars or
Natalie (20:12):
right.
So these are huge, um, issuesand then some financial, uh,
struggles end up coming later onsuch as fertility issues and
things like that.
And so you can't plan.
Well, I mean, I would plan worstcase scenario, but I don't think
I'm the norm population.
I think the majority of peopleplan for the future, but they
(20:36):
don't take every single thingthat could go wrong into, into
consideration when they're doingso.
Right.
So, I mean, we do, uh, a zerobased budget.
So our money is allotted to,Specific areas, um, and we have
it all listed and, um, we workout of that.
(20:59):
So we work within our two weekpaychecks and we categorize and
we organize where the money goesand like, this is how much we
have for groceries and this isfor gas and this is for this and
that and the other.
And um, that's it.
The rest, you know, is creditcard debt and their savings.
And that's it for the next paidtill the next pay period.
(21:22):
Right.
So, um, we haven't always done azero based budget.
We have tried multiple differentthings and hopefully this will
stick and this will, you know,kind of work, but ever evolving.
Right,
Bryan (21:36):
right.
Natalie (21:37):
We have to be talking about it.
Bryan (21:38):
So financial boundaries moving on to.
And our next one is going to betalking about setting and
maintaining these boundaries.
What we're going to do, um, iswe're going to move, and this is
going to end up being two,because I feel like the, the
next, this is going to be twoepisodes.
So the next one is going to beon the three that we're looking
to talk about is communication,sexual boundaries, and spiritual
(22:00):
boundaries.
And those are really importantand we don't want to, Move too
quickly.
Right.
And so we're just going to talkabout maintaining and take a few
minutes here and just talk abouthow we set some of these
boundaries.
So Natalie, how would we set areally good boundary in, in, in
a marriage?
What have we done?
I mean, I
Natalie (22:15):
feel like we sound like a broken record, but open
communication and we honestlyhad to learn how to communicate
properly.
Right.
Um, and we tried all differentkinds of methods.
Um, if you've been a long timelistener, um, that didn't work.
So we had to one, um, just behonest.
Bryan (22:36):
You can't, you can't do without honesty, right?
Natalie (22:41):
We don't have all the answers.
We don't have all the rightlanguage or lingo to be able to
express ourselves perfectlyevery single time.
But one thing that we've aimedto be is clear.
And direct and clearly state theY.
Bryan (23:02):
Yeah,
Natalie (23:03):
to the boundary.
Bryan (23:04):
Yeah, absolutely.
Natalie (23:05):
Right.
And being as clear as we can.
And there's nothing wrong withasking for Um, clarification and
we have, it just avoids, um, anargument potentially later on
down the road.
It avoids mixed messages,
Bryan (23:20):
which is a good, it's a good tool to have in your tool
belt anyway.
And then in communication withyour friends, like, um, when I'm
having a discussion with myfriend, Nathan, we'll be talking
about like theology or we'lltalk about how we hate this
movie or whatever it happens tobe.
We're sitting around talking andhe'd be like, no, no, no.
What do you mean by that?
Like, I don't understand whatyou meant by that.
Or like even identifying thefeeling like, Hey, you, it
(23:43):
sounds like you're beingfrustrated to say, and then it
gives you an open and a questionto ask like, Hey, this is the
thing that I'm feeling rightnow.
And you're like, Oh, well he, heor she is like, I see that.
I could say that.
And if not, it sounds likeyou're mad.
What are we mad about?
Right.
And knowing that, like I'msecure enough in the
relationship now, I would saythat when I asked that question,
(24:05):
Hey, what are you mad?
I know that it's not me.
It used to be like, I'd besitting in the corner.
We're like, man, you
Natalie (24:09):
don't know.
I'm not telling you.
Yeah.
Bryan (24:11):
That is a cultural, um, marriage thing that needs to be
killed.
And women, you should never dothat to men and men don't try
and guess.
Cause you get yourself into moretrouble.
Natalie (24:21):
And if you're the reverse and men.
If you don't know.
If your man is doing that, then,um, that's, that's equally,
that's a no no, and don't dothat.
And it's not up to your, um,
Bryan (24:33):
wife to
Natalie (24:35):
try to figure that out.
Bryan (24:36):
Never in the history of humankind has there ever been a
person that's been able to readanother person's mind.
And so it's actually impossible.
So you want to be clear, direct.
Do you want to respect your, Ilove that respect.
You're supposed to boundary
Natalie (24:47):
that's, I mean, duh, what is it?
Mark, Mark
Bryan (24:50):
Gungor all the time.
Uh, this is, he says this toguys, he says this to guys, uh,
Mark Gungor, laugh your way tobetter marriage.
Amazing training.
Uh, he says, be nice to thegirl.
And can I
Natalie (25:02):
say be nice to the guy?
Bryan (25:04):
Be nice to the guy.
Yeah.
Respect the man.
Love the woman.
Um, do what you got to do, butyou have to have boundaries and
you need to respect them.
And there are boundaries inevery relationship.
Even if, even if they're nothealthy boundaries, there's
boundaries.
Natalie (25:17):
Yeah,
Bryan (25:18):
right like they could be you could have like 10 really
good boundaries in each other'srelationships And your guys are
this flying but then there'sthree that are twisted that you
just don't know are like ohThat's not the right boundary,
right?
But they could be goodboundaries.
It could be bad boundaries, butyou want to respect each other
Natalie (25:35):
And hopefully the, the, the, the not so healthy
boundaries, there's anawareness, there's a self
awareness, whether it's throughcounseling or someone brings it
to your attention or you come tothat self realization, there's,
it's not a lost cause, um, butyou don't get, how do I word
(25:57):
this?
You don't have to like itbecause the boundary is not
about you.
The boundary is about me.
Bryan (26:05):
Yeah.
I would say too that a common.
Thing in marriage is thatthere's some things in our
relationship that we disagreeon, but they're not like a major
deal breaker things.
It's not like, I want to be adifferent religion than you, or
(26:25):
I think it's okay to, to like bea heavy drinker.
And you're like, no, that's notgood.
Or like, you know, like just,there's things that we just
disagree on that are minor.
I think for the most part, wealways agree on the majors and
when we're, we're workingthrough these things.
Like, we may not agree, but wecan say to each other, I agree
to disagree with you on this.
Natalie (26:45):
Yeah.
And let's talk about that wordagreement.
It's not about trying to beat mypoint to death to get you to
finally understand or to, tostand with me in my conviction
or to stand with me in mydecision.
Communications about seeking tounderstand,
Bryan (27:04):
to understand the other person, right?
Natalie (27:06):
I honestly don't care if you agree with me or not.
Bryan (27:08):
Sometimes.
Natalie (27:10):
I just want you to understand
Bryan (27:13):
my
Natalie (27:13):
perspective and where I'm coming from.
I'm not asking you to agree withme.
Bryan (27:17):
And, and the thing is, is that there's a, I think it's Zig
Ziglar.
He wrote a book and he said,most people listen with the
intent to respond, not with theintent to understand.
Natalie (27:27):
Oh, no.
Truer words have been spoken.
Well, yes, they're probablytruer words,
Bryan (27:31):
but, but, but for this context, yeah, no, no, no.
But it is extremely true.
Sometimes in an argument, I'mheated enough that I'm not
listening to understand whatNatalie is saying to me.
I'm listening to, I have areally good response and it's
going to Trump her and I'm goingto win this argument and I'm
going to be the man.
And really all it does is itdrives, oftentimes it drives a
wedge further between you inthat exact moment.
Natalie (27:55):
Right.
Because I'm a bigger person nowand I'll just not engage.
Right.
And I won't take the bait.
Bryan (28:00):
Yeah.
And vice versa.
Which
Natalie (28:03):
leads, I mean, this just couldn't get any better.
Right?
It segues into consequences.
Well,
Bryan (28:08):
it's funny.
I'm going to choose
Natalie (28:09):
to opt out of the game that you're playing and not play
it.
Bryan (28:12):
Yeah.
When it comes
Natalie (28:13):
to boundaries.
Bryan (28:14):
And then when you're trying to bait me and I don't.
And if I don't, then it'llhonestly, it'll fizzle out.
But
Natalie (28:21):
if I
Bryan (28:22):
do respond and we end up in a fight for some reason, the
consequences are quite evident.
We're uncomfortable for a while.
We could be angry.
We're, we're esteemed aboutwhatever happens to be going on.
Maybe I said something I shouldhave and the consequences are,
The fact that we've just createda rift in the relationship
unnecessarily because I want torespond not to understand.
Natalie (28:40):
Right.
And which created undue stressfor both of us.
And then we have children, whichcreates a whole set of anxiety
issues for them.
Bryan (28:48):
And I would say that if you're looking with the intent
to respond and not understand,you're more willing to overcome
the, or to step over a boundaryto get that response out, not
the understanding.
I'm, I'm willing to step overyour boundary if I'm only
wanting to respond to you, neverto understand you.
Natalie (29:07):
Oh, okay.
Bryan (29:07):
Right.
That make more sense?
Yes.
Yeah, absolutely.
Natalie (29:10):
Um, but there are consequences.
Bryan (29:13):
Right.
Natalie (29:14):
There's a lack of trust.
So it's not just like a physicalconsequence of, well, I'm going
into this room then.
I mean, yes, sometimes.
I need to cool my jets and Ineed to go into a different
space and there's nothing wrongwith that.
But there's times where it's,it's an emotional, um,
consequence or there's a mentalconsequence or, um, the
(29:39):
consequences I've checked out oryou've checked out, or we're
just not even willing to talk toeach other.
Right.
Right.
Those are consequences.
You need to discuss, Hey, theseare my concretes.
And these are the things thatare not going to be tolerated.
Right.
Bryan (29:57):
And here's the thing is that, um, We've learned as well
in our marriage is that you canactually compromise.
Natalie (30:06):
Oh, yeah.
And we've done that on a lot ofdifferent things because, you
know, you just don't realizehow, um, maybe, oh, we might get
into that one more.
When we talked about the sexualexpectations or the sexual,
Boundaries.
Bryan (30:21):
Right.
But like thinking likeboundaries do change.
Like as you grow, you mature,you, uh, job shift, hearts
change.
Like you just, you grow andmature really.
It's growing mature.
That's the goal.
And, and the boundaries willchange as, as you have different
expectations.
Um, but, Oh, I love this line.
(30:42):
Be open to negotiation.
I don't, I remember we wentthrough the stage where we were
bargaining.
I'll do this.
If you do this.
It was,
Natalie (30:50):
and it really
Bryan (30:51):
worked and it was super fun.
Natalie (30:52):
It was.
Um, so yeah, it's not that, youknow, we're compromising by, um,
sabotaging or, um, like yousaid, not respecting and just
crossing over the boundary line.
This is not what we're talkingabout when we're saying willing
to compromise.
No.
Coming to a place of thatunderstanding.
(31:13):
And of, of like, is this adiehard boundary or is this one
that has some wiggle room forsome bargaining in there?
Bryan (31:21):
That's a really good point.
I think, I think almost mostthings, most things have space
to negotiate space to compromisespace to go most things.
I wouldn't say all things causethat would be kind of silly to
make that an absolute.
But if you are so willing to dieon a certain hill, um, it
(31:43):
actually causes.
More rift between you and yourspouse.
Natalie (31:48):
Do I think it, you can't, we can't generalize it
though.
Bryan (31:52):
No.
Natalie (31:52):
Right.
Cause it's, it's.
Bryan (31:54):
It's so specific to every couple and what your values are
and what you care about and thethings that you're fighting for
in your relationship.
Natalie (32:01):
I think, I think within each of the ones that we've
talked about and especially theones we're going into, there are
some concrete things that arenon negotiable.
Bryan (32:08):
Yeah, absolutely.
Natalie (32:09):
Right.
Yeah, absolutely.
Bryan (32:10):
Yeah.
Um, that was, that was a reallygreat conversation.
It's a good start to our, uh,our boundaries, eh?
Natalie (32:16):
Yes.
I'm, I'm really excited forthis.
Bryan (32:19):
Absolutely.
If you like our podcast, itreally means a lot to us when
you share it, you let peopleknow about Amplified Marriage.
You can follow us on Instagramor Facebook, uh, you hear the
say this all the time.
You can go to our website atamplifiedmarriage.
ca, uh, at the bottom on theright hand side, there is a
little voicemail tab.
You can actually.
(32:40):
Hit that button, record aquestion and we'd love to hear
from you, but if you do have atopic or a question or anything
you'd like to discuss, pleaseemail us, send us a DM, but you
can email us at AmplifyMarriageat gmail.
com.
And as you hear us say all thetime, we believe this with all
of our heart because it happenedto us.
We believe that your marriagecan be reset, refreshed,
recharged,
Natalie (32:59):
and restored.
Thanks for listening.
Talk to you soon.
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