July 17, 2023 • 31 mins
Do you find yourself constantly battling headaches, struggling with sleep disorders, or dealing with anxiety?
What if we told you that unresolved issues in your relationships might be the hidden culprit behind these health problems?
We share some of our own experiences, revealing how our destructive patterns took years to recognize and even longer to change.
We'll discuss the fight, flight, or freeze response in stressful situations and its implications on our mental and physical health. We hope to offer a fresh perspective on how stress, conflict, and avoidance can affect not just your relationship dynamics, but your overall health.
Tune in for a conversation that might just change your approach to conflict resolution forever.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Bryan (00:01):
Malcolm X said this usually, when people are said
they don't do anything, theyjust cry all over their
condition, but when they getangry, they bring about a change
.
We are talking about avoidingproblems and avoiding issues in
the relationship and the actualphysical manifestations, the
stress, the things that comewith you not actually dealing
(00:23):
with problems and bringing aboutchange in the relationship and
actually bringing things toresolution.
We know through science andstudies that there is physical
symptoms that actually bring awedge between you and your
spouse, you and your partner,you and your fiance, when you do
not bring things to resolution,and some of those symptoms are
(00:43):
headaches, upset stomachs,elevated blood pressure, chest
pains, maybe you have problemssleeping, there's low energy,
there's stomach problems, gotacne, anxiety disorders, burnout
, depression, diabetes,digestive issues.
You get the point.
If you're avoiding issues inyour relationship, they may be.
Something may not happen now,but it may affect you a little
(01:04):
bit later.
(01:32):
Welcome to another episode ofAmplified Marriage.
I am Brian, I'm Natalie,wherever you are, whatever
you're doing, you hear this sayall the time grab a coffee, grab
some tea, get comfy.
But today we're talking aboutsomething that is actually
extremely important torelationships and to marriages
and just to actually beingbetter communicators.
Natalie (01:53):
And it's important to us because we have lived in this
state for a long time andsometimes even now, being
married, you know, for 22 yearsit still tries to creep back in
and you, the tendency to want torevert to old ways of doing
(02:14):
things isn't gone completely.
Like we, I still have to make aconscious choice to not resort
to old patterns of destructivebehavior and even, as you were
mentioning, you know some of theailments that come from an
increased state of tension andstress.
(02:36):
I could not help but be likelike check, check, check, check,
check, check, check, check,check.
And we're going to talk aboutthat because, as we've been
researching and you know we'renot doctors and we're not
clinicians and you know, supergrateful that other people are
(02:59):
wired and gifted in those areasto be able to bring about the
research that we're going totalk about today One of the
things is is stress and whatthat does to our mental state,
our emotional state, ourspiritual state, our physical
state, and how that applies toconflict resolution and just
(03:21):
being in a state of being ableto assert yourself in
communication and not andhopefully, I don't know maybe go
as far as saying resolve someof these issues, if these are a
lot of issues that are stemmingfrom a state of tension and
stress or at least being willingto face them maybe.
Bryan (03:42):
Maybe that's the like in.
Here's the thing.
Like today, this particularepisode is really just a
snapshot, like an intro intowhat we believe is a real
problem for so many marriages.
And we're talking about thislike why is this so important
that we discuss?
Because we see marriages thatare actually struggling in their
(04:02):
relationship because they'renot maybe they're confronting
the issue in some cases, and insome cases we see couples that
that we know, that we coach,that aren't actually addressing
the issues.
So you have both sides.
You got people that areconfronting the problem but
never coming to resolution, andthose that are avoiding the
problem and still not coming toresolution.
And it still brings about thesame result as there's no
(04:23):
resolution and there's stress.
And so why is it so?
Because people it's so important, because people in your
relationships, if you're notdealing with them, it can cause
it, it'll cause undue stress,like some of the things that I
read, like the physical ailments, and then, as we go in the next
few episodes, what actually isso important and why you deal
with it.
Like the now there's emotionaland you said spiritual, there's
(04:44):
physical, there's mental health.
That all gets wrapped up intonot dealing with it.
And so important because it canlead to, ultimately it may
bring you to a place where yourrelationship fails because you
just avoided the issues insteadof dealing with and I don't like
this is the thing you hear thatsaying, oh, we just swept it
under the rug.
Well, the problem with sweepingunder the rug is that
(05:05):
eventually that rug turns into agiant pile and it's just filled
with all the problems thatyou've just lifted up the rug
and shoved it underneath andit's got.
Now it's got anger and anxietyand abandonment and frustration
and bitterness and rage and allkinds of things that are just
piled high because you didn'twant to deal with it.
That may cause so much problemsthat you can't come back to a
(05:26):
healthy relationship which.
I say that, but we always reallybelieve that almost every
relationship can be restored.
Natalie (05:33):
Yes, and stress worsens your situation.
It can worsen the symptoms thatyou're feeling like it
amplifies, like amplifiedmarriage.
In the wrong way, and it canalso worsen certain diseases
that you might already have.
Right like, not everything iscaused by stress, but a lot of
(05:54):
things are induced by stress.
Bryan (05:57):
Right and, that being said, like when you don't come
to that resolution and even insome of our preparing there was
something that we heard.
It was the fight, flight orfreeze, and it harms your body
to constantly be in a statewhere you're your fight or your
flight or you're in a freeze.
Natalie (06:18):
That's right, because you're you know, your adrenal
glands, or your adrenaline rightis is constantly firing, your
cortisol levels are skyrocket,which you know isn't great for
health, and, like your organsand things like that, you're
always in a state of am I readyto fight for my life?
(06:40):
Am I ready to run for my lifeor am I freezing because I'm
paralyzed by fear?
Right, and there's somephysiological issues that happen
when our bodies are in aconstant state of that.
Bryan (06:53):
So which one do you think you are or?
Natalie (06:57):
were.
Bryan (06:59):
Or were.
Where would be the better wayto approach this?
Natalie (07:01):
Between the three.
Bryan (07:03):
Yeah.
Natalie (07:04):
Fight.
Bryan (07:06):
You think you were the fight.
Natalie (07:09):
Yeah, what you not agree?
No, not at all.
What do you think I was?
Bryan (07:13):
You were the fight.
Natalie (07:15):
What.
Bryan (07:16):
For the longest time in a relationship.
I would want to deal withthings and you would just.
Natalie (07:19):
Oh, oh, oh okay, I see I'm talking about like when I
was under stress though.
Yeah, that's true.
Now I'd say I'd be fight, no,no, because I'm always fight.
Bryan (07:31):
I'm like which drives you bananas?
Cause I'm ready just to face.
Natalie (07:35):
In retrospect it was probably flight or freeze or
just shut down.
Bryan (07:40):
Yeah, oh yeah, shut down was a big part of your
repertoire of what to do is likeflight, or I just don't want to
talk to you because you're atand let's be honest, like it's
not, like I was like super goodat, like we need to have.
You know how you see it in themovies when two people are
really healthy in theirrelationship.
Or you're reading a book andthey're like you know what?
I think you and I need to havea chat and you're like, okay,
(08:00):
let's go have a chat and theyjust calmly talk things through
and at the end there's at theend there's this, this moment,
and the cameras just zoomingonto their faces and there's
just pure love.
No, usually by the end of ourlet's have a chat, it was a
screaming match and we ended uplike I slept on the couch or you
slipped into, like that sunsetand your rath thing didn't
really work out for us Sometimes.
Natalie (08:19):
No, and I highly doubt we're alone.
Bryan (08:22):
Yeah, right, that's true.
Natalie (08:24):
And I mean our.
One of our major huge strugglesand biggest tension, stress and
issues in our marriage wasfinances, and we had mentioned
in several of our earlierpodcasts about that being kind
of one of the major Cause.
We was broke and we didn'tspend well when we had money.
Bryan (08:41):
That's right.
Natalie (08:45):
You know, we did not steward our money well because
we had an unhealthy relationshipwith our money, right.
Bryan (08:49):
And so what we're saying is that this is the beginning of
what we hope is going to be aninformative few episodes that
are really going to help you andyour partner your spouse
figures some stuff out andactually resolves submission and
understand why that there'sactual like you can say, like
I'm I'm the king of like.
I can deal with stress, butI've noticed in my older age I
(09:11):
can actually handle way morethan I could when I was younger.
Natalie (09:13):
But I also am much more aware of what things are
causing me stress and what is itRight and maybe you are in a
position where you're like cool,I, I've been feeling some of
these things Right that we'vebeen talking about and the hope
is that maybe you can have alight bulb moment of like.
(09:35):
Maybe I am stressed out, maybethere is tension here that I
didn't realize could be acontributing factor.
Absolutely Obviously, we willnever say do seek medical
attention.
Bryan (09:45):
Yeah.
Natalie (09:46):
Absolutely, if you're experiencing chest pains and
you're experiencing um digestiveissues and exciting attacks go
see a doctor.
We cannot stress that enough.
Bryan (09:58):
We just want to, we want to go through some of these
things.
There are their actual physical, uh like physical
manifestations and some of thelanguage that we were reading.
Under stress, your heart pumpsfaster, uh.
Stress hormones uh cause yourblood vessels to constrict and
you divert more oxygen to yourmuscles, so you have more
strength to take, take action.
But it also raises your bloodpressure and the result frequent
(10:21):
or chronic stress, will makeyour work, your heart work, too
hard for too long.
Right.
And if you already have like,say you have chronic heart
issues because your family likegenetically, this isn't good for
you.
Natalie (10:33):
No.
Bryan (10:33):
Right and what.
What we're seeing is even inthe studies for people that are
doing heart stress or just lifestress, is that even if you
didn't have a chronic issue, youcan actually stress yourself
into having chronic problems.
Natalie (10:45):
Yes, and, like I would say, heart palpitations as well.
That was my own experience when, I was when I get stressed or
filled with anxiety or fear oror that, um, how can I describe
it?
Like a narrowing in.
I get chest tightness and chestor heart palpitations where my
(11:08):
heart is like you're almost likegoing into a, um,
hyperventilating, likehyperventilating where you just
can't control your breathing andthings like that, right.
So for me that also um is asymptom.
Bryan (11:26):
Yeah, Right, Well, and that's even some of the things
that we read.
That's actually fairly normal.
That's like having an anxietyattack your heart's palp,
everything's.
Your heart's palpating,palpating.
Natalie (11:37):
Yes, right.
Um, another article we readsays stress induces chronic
immune activation, whichessentially just means that you
trigger your immune system tofunction and fire at a level
it's not supposed to.
Bryan (11:54):
And it's fighting the wrong thing.
It's fighting the wrong things.
Natalie (11:57):
Yes, and what they had said, which I thought was so
fascinating, was that it altershealth outcomes that resemble
those seen in chronicinflammatory diseases such as
rheumatoid arthritis, which Iwas floored when I read that
that your response to stress andtension can actually alter
health outcomes and resembleother illnesses and other
(12:19):
implement, like inflammation,illnesses, which is just mind
boggling.
That, for those of us that youknow, live in that state of
nervousness, live in that stateof always.
You're on edge, like the amountof what's the word I'm looking
(12:41):
for, like the burden that you'reputting your body through.
It's just, it's overwhelming.
Bryan (12:48):
I like how you said it, it's the burden you're putting
your body through, partiallybecause of the the stress around
you, but because you get to acertain place, you're just
choosing this, because that'swhat you know.
You don't know anything elseright right and I.
That's altered immune function.
It can exacerbate symptoms inboth physical or physical and
physiological illnesses.
(13:09):
We got all of our information,or some of our information, from
psychology today and theAmerican psychological
association Super detailed andwhat they had here.
Natalie (13:17):
We're gonna be referencing them a few times.
Bryan (13:20):
Yeah, a few times.
Natalie (13:21):
I thought it was one of the most fascinating things I
had read, as someone whoSuffered with anxiety and I was
always at a heightened level-for everything for everything.
It didn't matter what it was.
It could be non triggering.
Triggering there was always anundercurrent of anxiety, and
(13:42):
what this is from a 2016 articlefrom psychology today says this
beware of the exterior inyourself or Others, because here
we go.
Anger is a primary emotionunderlying Anxiety right.
(14:03):
I remember when, when I readthis the other day, I was just
like you have got to be kiddingme, right.
That that's sort of like theundercurrent of anxiety is a
state of anger.
It was surprising to me right,well it's.
Bryan (14:21):
It shouldn't be like Even in psychology.
They look a minute, what do weknow?
Like it's see, if my, myresponse isn't fight, flight or
freeze.
It was always fight.
I only had one, and it wasalways to fight with everything.
And whenever I get and still tothis Day, when I get to a
certain level of stress, I justget angry and and how I and how
(14:42):
I face my stress is by dealingwith the Problem, but in not
necessarily always healthilylike dealing with angrily right.
And anger is such a powerfulmotion and and when you're not,
if you don't deal with youranger properly and you don't
like have a proper outlet orlearn how to manage it, or learn
how to be like here's the thingthat the world doesn't want to
(15:02):
hear right now.
Or current current culture islike if you have anger, that's
that's okay, man, like it's it'sokay that you feel these things
.
You don't need to control that.
No, no, no.
There needs to be a as a man,as a man I'm saying this as a
man you need to control yourself.
You need to haveself-discipline.
You need to be disciplinedenough to know that, hey, I'm
angry and not lash out so dowomen.
Yes, but I can't say that to youbecause you're a woman and like
(15:25):
I need you to control yourtemper right, I know I need to
control my temper.
Well, the only here's the funnything is your temper.
I know how mad you are by howmuch French you speak to me.
In the moment, I think that'show.
That's how I know things areGoing poorly, as if I get the
French right.
So anger is a super powerfulemotion.
It is something you, if notdealt with, then it'll control
(15:47):
your life.
Natalie (15:48):
Collins dictionary defines tension as this.
We're kind of on the anxietytopic here tension is the
feeling that is produced in asituation when people are
anxious and do not trust eachother and when there is a
Possibility of sudden violenceor conflict.
So that's Collins dictionary.
It's definition of tension,which I was just like this Just
(16:09):
so there's no.
This is just gonna get betterif we keep this attitude of
tension.
Bryan (16:15):
Did you ever fear that I was gonna be violent?
Natalie (16:19):
No.
Bryan (16:21):
But you knew that you were going to be facing conflict
yes, not violence, and thetough part about this is that
that may not be our story.
But that may be someone else's,but that definitely is someone
else's story where they fearthat the anger because it might
come with violence or some sortof violence, whether it's verbal
(16:42):
abuse or emotional abuse orphysical abuse like there's
something that happens if you'renot dealing with your anger.
And often, but not always oftenmen struggle that a lot more
than women.
I would say yes, in ourexperience.
Natalie (16:57):
Yes, I, and we didn't grab a statistic for how many
percentage of men versus women.
Bryan (17:02):
Yeah, right, go with that route.
But I know that that wasdefinitely my problem.
It was very much.
It was an anger.
Natalie (17:09):
Yeah, and there's lots of women that are just like that
, right, and I think there's anincrease or maybe not an
increase, but more of an openawareness to men who suffer
violence.
Bryan (17:20):
Right.
Natalie (17:21):
From women.
Psychology today also saysthese terrible choose so that's
anxiety and anxiety and anger orthe terrible choose, increase
your vulnerability to illnesses,especially upper respiratory,
because it compromises yourimmune system, it exacerbates
your pain and increases the riskof death from cardiovascular
(17:42):
disease and from all sources ofdeath.
Wow, like if that doesn't kindof alert you or wake you up.
Anger is more than an emotion.
It's a conduit that intensifiesanxiety.
Bryan (17:55):
Yeah, and we know, we know someone in particular that
lives their whole life onanxiety and anger and they're
constantly sick, they'reconstantly have physical health
problems and they go to thedoctor all the time and they
never, ever, get any resolutionas to what's going on.
(18:16):
The doctor says stress and theydon't want to believe it, but
they're just.
They live in anger and anxietyand when you talk about it, it's
just anger and it's constant,it's constant, it's constant.
Been a doctor many, many timesand there's never any health
resolutions for it.
Natalie (18:30):
Or tools to cope with it.
Bryan (18:32):
Right.
Natalie (18:33):
Sometimes like you're launched in a situation that is
not your doing.
Yeah, Absolutely.
And that's what happens whenthings happen to you.
These effects of tension andstress are like it doesn't
differentiate between ifsomething was inflicted upon you
or you inflicted it uponyourself.
Right?
The end result is the sametension and stress.
(18:53):
This is what happens, and ifyou find yourself in a place
where you you need to get helpin order to be able to see right
.
Hey, this is the result of thisor this is a result of something
that you have allowed or thatyou kind of put on yourself, or
that was inflicted upon youwithout your wanting.
(19:14):
Seeing a therapist, seeing apsychologist or a counselor or
anything so valuable.
Bryan (19:23):
Well and like even if we were to, just as as you're
talking, just kind of breakingdown this thing the the stress
that's easier to leave unlessyou struggle with just taking on
everything.
But a stress that's easier toleave is, say, stress that's
environmental, like you go towork, you have to deal with your
(19:43):
job from nine to five orwhatever that happens to be that
stress you can leave at work,like you should be able to leave
that at work, right, likesometimes it comes home but but
oftentimes that stress is issomething that is external and
like an external stress that youhave to deal with, but it's not
emotional, it's not taking uprent in your head or taking up
space in your head.
(20:03):
There's not renting a spot inyour head, but sometimes,
oftentimes, marriage issues thatare compounded or relationship
issues or even friend to friendissues, because they're more
emotional and they're more it'snot an external issue, it's an
actual relational thing betweenme and you is that when we can't
resolve this issue, it causestension and that actually does
(20:26):
rent space in your head.
That's right.
It does take space up in yourheart.
It actually affects the things,because it's not something I
can just leave.
I was like I have to.
I go to work, and which is whathappens with people is that,
instead of using like going towork so it aids you in your
relationship, when you come homewith your wife, they're going
to work to hide from what'shappening at home.
Natalie (20:45):
Right.
Bryan (20:45):
Which is what I did for a long time.
I went to work, worked 15 hoursa day, six, seven days a week,
so I didn't have to deal withwhat was going on at home.
But there's that part, butthose things.
What happens is that, becausethey're piling up, it's external
, it actually does take up spaceand then it begins to sap your
energy and it saps how you makedecisions and it saps all of
that, because it's not anexternal problem, it's an
internal issue.
Natalie (21:05):
Now, that's right.
And it's not just big thingslike finances or having children
or a diagnosis, it's.
It's like let me talk to thepeople pleasers out there.
Bryan (21:17):
Yeah.
Natalie (21:19):
Like I refer to myself as a recovering people pleaser,
because the amount of stress andanxiety and tension that is
that is created by my own doing,of the motivation behind why
I'm doing certain things becauseout of a fear that they won't
(21:40):
like me or they will judge me orthis or that or that, like your
brain is constantly over firing.
My brain was and it was justlike the almost make myself sick
, trying to be all things to allpeople and the thought of not
being able to fulfill that rolethat no one put me in but myself
(22:01):
.
Right was just.
I'm not that I would rather die, but it's overwhelming like
that that you feel like you will, you know, implode if you don't
live up to those expectationsthat no one put on you.
Bryan (22:21):
Or, in my case, anyways, for people pleasers in
particular.
Natalie (22:24):
Yeah, right, and so this is that thing of like
nothing was inflicted upon me.
I inflicted those um which.
Which actually expectations.
Bryan (22:35):
That's where I'm looking for which actually was really
hard for you and I to deal withat some points, because I am not
a people pleaser.
Natalie (22:42):
No.
Bryan (22:43):
And you were, and you would do things, and I would
never understand why are youdoing that?
It doesn't matter if thatperson is happy or not, like
that.
That's not good for you.
It's better for them, for sure,and it's actually causing you
both stress and it would, and Iwould, and I would say that and
I wouldn't argue with you orfight with you about it, and it
(23:03):
just caused undue stress.
Cause I'm not a people pleaser.
I'm like why did we have to doit this way?
This, this doesn't make anysense and and it just was really
tough at certain points.
Natalie (23:13):
And setting healthy boundaries at the beginning
created tension and stressbecause it was so overwhelming.
And I remember my counselorsaying what is the worst thing
that could happen if you say no,right, and I was like, oh,
that's a loaded gun.
Bryan (23:28):
They might not like me.
Natalie (23:29):
That's a loaded question.
I might be disowned, I mightlike right and you go through
all of these things that havenot happened.
Bryan (23:36):
Right.
Natalie (23:37):
But these are the processes that you have to walk
through and I'm at a place nowwhere I can say no, and it is my
favorite word because it'sempowering right when you can
get to a place of it, ofrealizing that setting healthy
boundaries is not a bad thing.
It's not.
Bryan (23:55):
It shouldn't induce stress and tension and and the
other thing is is that if youdon't resolve them, that
emotional pull, that emotionalfight, that emotional strain
that you're experiencing, itreally does spill over into all
aspects of your life.
It goes or life goes into yourwork, it goes into your
(24:16):
relationships, your church.
Natalie (24:17):
Depression comes in full.
It's like right after that, ifyou don't deal with it and you
don't resolve it.
And I and I, I lived it.
Bryan (24:30):
Right.
Natalie (24:31):
You brought this sense of like utter hopelessness, and
you're so beat down that theredoesn't seem to be a way up, and
so you just perpetuate thiscycle.
Bryan (24:41):
Yeah, do you remember like there's a portion here that
we're?
I think we should actually talkabout the effect that I had on
our kids.
Are we willing one of ourepisodes?
But we, the constant fightingand the stress and the stuff
that we're going to, it becomesa problem and can cause issues
actually in your children andlike behavioral issues and there
(25:03):
might be chronic issues becausethey're so stressed out because
you two are constantly inconflict.
Right, and there's somethingthat was said in one of these
articles I think it was in theAPA one.
Often children whose parentsaren't happy in their marriages
tend to act out or misbehave asa way of expressing their
feelings Because they're notbeing heard, they're not being
seen, they're not being valued.
(25:25):
And it's scary to have the kindof thing.
Do you remember?
Natalie (25:28):
In the Walmart parking lot.
Bryan (25:29):
In the Walmart parking lot.
We were at odds.
Natalie (25:33):
Oh, we were like all that.
We had all of our children.
That wasn't when your dadpassed.
Bryan (25:37):
There was just a trip.
We come to visit Katie andJeremy.
We had come down for a trip andwe literally, it seemed like
all we did was fight all the waydown for the first few days.
So much so that mom my mom waslike are you guys okay?
And we're like yeah, we're fine.
What do you mean?
What's wrong?
Like we're not?
Natalie (25:53):
fighting.
And the thing is here.
We're so dumb.
Sometimes we had a minivan andwe were in the front and there
was the middle seat sections andthen the back seat sections and
we thought we were far enoughaway so we weren't talking very
loud.
Bryan (26:09):
Yeah, I'm not, but let's be honest.
Natalie (26:10):
I'm not that quiet.
I'm not that quiet when I'mangry.
But wasn't even thinking aboutour kids in the back seat
listening to our conversation.
Bryan (26:20):
Three or two.
We had all three, all three,that's right.
This wasn't that many years agoactually.
It was probably only like eightor nine, 10 years ago.
Well yeah, it'd probably be 11.
Yeah, anyway, and do youremember who was it that said to
us.
Was it Ezra?
What did he say?
Natalie (26:41):
We were just at odds with each other and he was
watching us and he was sittingdirectly.
He was in diagonal to thepassenger front seat and I just
happened to make eye contactwith him and I could just see
the tears welled up in his eyesand spilling down his face and
(27:01):
it like caught me off guard andI looked at him and I'm like son
, what is wrong?
And his little lip wasquivering and he's like you are
always fighting.
And I remember I looked back atyou and you looked at me and it
was like talk about a lightbulb moment Cause.
Bryan (27:23):
then we looked back at Rainan and Rainan was actually
crying too.
Natalie (27:28):
And Amherst was still.
Bryan (27:29):
She was there.
She was like what's going onwhen?
What was it?
She was still a baby, but youjust we looked at the boys and
they were both crying and then,as Rainan said the same thing to
us, you guys just have onlycause he was older he could
speak more.
He said you guys only havefought since we've left Prince
George.
And it was in that moment thatwe like, right there, it was a
light bulb.
(27:50):
It changed us in that moment.
Natalie (27:52):
And so you know when your children are hurting.
Bryan (27:56):
Yeah.
Natalie (27:57):
And if that doesn't move you right.
Bryan (28:03):
Even thinking back to it, you're like man, that was a
hard, that was a hard reality.
Natalie (28:07):
Brought us to tears and we looked at each other and
we're like what are we doing?
Bryan (28:11):
Yeah, and we ended up having a really great trip.
I remember that we did.
Natalie (28:15):
And we're just like kids.
We are sorry, right, and it waskind of, you know, out of the
mouths of babes, right,sometimes it takes their
perspective to snap you out ofit, and that's exactly what we
needed, but to say that therearen't issues that spill over
into everyday life and it's adomino effect If things aren't
(28:36):
well with you, things might notbe well with the kids, it spills
over into your spouse.
it spills over into your kids,into your home life, into your
family, into your friends, intowork, church, school, right, it
just is a domino effect, and sowe really want to spend some
time in the next coming episodesand just really kind of break
(28:58):
that down.
Bryan (28:59):
Well and like, even as we're thinking what's the stress
point in your own relationship?
What is the conflict that youmay maybe you may be even
talking about it every coupledays, but you're just avoiding
dealing with the issue.
What's the stress point?
What's the thing that you'resweeping under the rug?
What's the problem or thetension that you have in your
(29:20):
relationship that's actuallycausing you physical it's not
only is it emotional harm andspiritual harm, and mental it's
like mental block, but what'sthat thing that's preventing
your marriage from being thebest it could be, because you
are unwilling to face that issue.
Natalie (29:36):
That's right, right, and the hope is that this will
just be a push, an informativelike oh my goodness, perhaps
this is kind of what's going onin my situation, which is, I
mean, we needed that.
Bryan (29:52):
And our challenge to you is when you hear this and you
know where we're going with it,take an examination of your own
heart, of your own relationship,of your own spouse or your
relationship, and one beaccountable for your actions.
Don't expect them to changejust because, like you are, you
need to be responsible for you.
(30:13):
But, boy, what are the thingsthat are stopping you from
moving forward, exactly?
So we're looking forward to beable to continue on this.
Just know that there is hope.
Things can be changed,restoration can happen, you can
have a really great relationship.
Natalie (30:29):
Oh, 100%.
And this is just.
This is just being able torecognize tension and stress and
the effects that that has onyour body and then, as we move
into breaking that down to likeconflict resolution and why
holding onto tension and stressis so harmful to your marriage,
(30:49):
perhaps it can offer some toolsin your tool belt, like it did
for us.
Bryan (30:53):
Right.
So if you like our podcast, youlike what's coming up.
We just means a lot when youshare it, let people know about
amplified marriage.
So we ask that if you have atopic or a question or anything
like that, you can follow us onInstagram or Facebook.
You can DM us to those placesor you can email us an amplified
marriage at gmailcom.
And, as you've heard us say,you've said these words a few
(31:15):
times in this, in this podcast,but we believe that your
marriage can be reset refreshed,recharged and restored.
Thanks so much for listening.
Natalie (31:24):
Talk to you soon.
Malcolm X said this usually, when people are said
they don't do anything, theyjust cry all over their
condition, but when they getangry, they bring about a change
.
We are talking about avoidingproblems and avoiding issues in
the relationship and the actualphysical manifestations, the
stress, the things that comewith you not actually dealing
(00:23):
with problems and bringing aboutchange in the relationship and
actually bringing things toresolution.
We know through science andstudies that there is physical
symptoms that actually bring awedge between you and your
spouse, you and your partner,you and your fiance, when you do
not bring things to resolution,and some of those symptoms are
(00:43):
headaches, upset stomachs,elevated blood pressure, chest
pains, maybe you have problemssleeping, there's low energy,
there's stomach problems, gotacne, anxiety disorders, burnout
, depression, diabetes,digestive issues.
You get the point.
If you're avoiding issues inyour relationship, they may be.
Something may not happen now,but it may affect you a little
(01:04):
bit later.
(01:32):
Welcome to another episode ofAmplified Marriage.
I am Brian, I'm Natalie,wherever you are, whatever
you're doing, you hear this sayall the time grab a coffee, grab
some tea, get comfy.
But today we're talking aboutsomething that is actually
extremely important torelationships and to marriages
and just to actually beingbetter communicators.
Natalie (01:53):
And it's important to us because we have lived in this
state for a long time andsometimes even now, being
married, you know, for 22 yearsit still tries to creep back in
and you, the tendency to want torevert to old ways of doing
(02:14):
things isn't gone completely.
Like we, I still have to make aconscious choice to not resort
to old patterns of destructivebehavior and even, as you were
mentioning, you know some of theailments that come from an
increased state of tension andstress.
(02:36):
I could not help but be likelike check, check, check, check,
check, check, check, check,check.
And we're going to talk aboutthat because, as we've been
researching and you know we'renot doctors and we're not
clinicians and you know, supergrateful that other people are
(02:59):
wired and gifted in those areasto be able to bring about the
research that we're going totalk about today One of the
things is is stress and whatthat does to our mental state,
our emotional state, ourspiritual state, our physical
state, and how that applies toconflict resolution and just
(03:21):
being in a state of being ableto assert yourself in
communication and not andhopefully, I don't know maybe go
as far as saying resolve someof these issues, if these are a
lot of issues that are stemmingfrom a state of tension and
stress or at least being willingto face them maybe.
Bryan (03:42):
Maybe that's the like in.
Here's the thing.
Like today, this particularepisode is really just a
snapshot, like an intro intowhat we believe is a real
problem for so many marriages.
And we're talking about thislike why is this so important
that we discuss?
Because we see marriages thatare actually struggling in their
(04:02):
relationship because they'renot maybe they're confronting
the issue in some cases, and insome cases we see couples that
that we know, that we coach,that aren't actually addressing
the issues.
So you have both sides.
You got people that areconfronting the problem but
never coming to resolution, andthose that are avoiding the
problem and still not coming toresolution.
And it still brings about thesame result as there's no
(04:23):
resolution and there's stress.
And so why is it so?
Because people it's so important, because people in your
relationships, if you're notdealing with them, it can cause
it, it'll cause undue stress,like some of the things that I
read, like the physical ailments, and then, as we go in the next
few episodes, what actually isso important and why you deal
with it.
Like the now there's emotionaland you said spiritual, there's
(04:44):
physical, there's mental health.
That all gets wrapped up intonot dealing with it.
And so important because it canlead to, ultimately it may
bring you to a place where yourrelationship fails because you
just avoided the issues insteadof dealing with and I don't like
this is the thing you hear thatsaying, oh, we just swept it
under the rug.
Well, the problem with sweepingunder the rug is that
(05:05):
eventually that rug turns into agiant pile and it's just filled
with all the problems thatyou've just lifted up the rug
and shoved it underneath andit's got.
Now it's got anger and anxietyand abandonment and frustration
and bitterness and rage and allkinds of things that are just
piled high because you didn'twant to deal with it.
That may cause so much problemsthat you can't come back to a
(05:26):
healthy relationship which.
I say that, but we always reallybelieve that almost every
relationship can be restored.
Natalie (05:33):
Yes, and stress worsens your situation.
It can worsen the symptoms thatyou're feeling like it
amplifies, like amplifiedmarriage.
In the wrong way, and it canalso worsen certain diseases
that you might already have.
Right like, not everything iscaused by stress, but a lot of
(05:54):
things are induced by stress.
Bryan (05:57):
Right and, that being said, like when you don't come
to that resolution and even insome of our preparing there was
something that we heard.
It was the fight, flight orfreeze, and it harms your body
to constantly be in a statewhere you're your fight or your
flight or you're in a freeze.
Natalie (06:18):
That's right, because you're you know, your adrenal
glands, or your adrenaline rightis is constantly firing, your
cortisol levels are skyrocket,which you know isn't great for
health, and, like your organsand things like that, you're
always in a state of am I readyto fight for my life?
(06:40):
Am I ready to run for my lifeor am I freezing because I'm
paralyzed by fear?
Right, and there's somephysiological issues that happen
when our bodies are in aconstant state of that.
Bryan (06:53):
So which one do you think you are or?
Natalie (06:57):
were.
Bryan (06:59):
Or were.
Where would be the better wayto approach this?
Natalie (07:01):
Between the three.
Bryan (07:03):
Yeah.
Natalie (07:04):
Fight.
Bryan (07:06):
You think you were the fight.
Natalie (07:09):
Yeah, what you not agree?
No, not at all.
What do you think I was?
Bryan (07:13):
You were the fight.
Natalie (07:15):
What.
Bryan (07:16):
For the longest time in a relationship.
I would want to deal withthings and you would just.
Natalie (07:19):
Oh, oh, oh okay, I see I'm talking about like when I
was under stress though.
Yeah, that's true.
Now I'd say I'd be fight, no,no, because I'm always fight.
Bryan (07:31):
I'm like which drives you bananas?
Cause I'm ready just to face.
Natalie (07:35):
In retrospect it was probably flight or freeze or
just shut down.
Bryan (07:40):
Yeah, oh yeah, shut down was a big part of your
repertoire of what to do is likeflight, or I just don't want to
talk to you because you're atand let's be honest, like it's
not, like I was like super goodat, like we need to have.
You know how you see it in themovies when two people are
really healthy in theirrelationship.
Or you're reading a book andthey're like you know what?
I think you and I need to havea chat and you're like, okay,
(08:00):
let's go have a chat and theyjust calmly talk things through
and at the end there's at theend there's this, this moment,
and the cameras just zoomingonto their faces and there's
just pure love.
No, usually by the end of ourlet's have a chat, it was a
screaming match and we ended uplike I slept on the couch or you
slipped into, like that sunsetand your rath thing didn't
really work out for us Sometimes.
Natalie (08:19):
No, and I highly doubt we're alone.
Bryan (08:22):
Yeah, right, that's true.
Natalie (08:24):
And I mean our.
One of our major huge strugglesand biggest tension, stress and
issues in our marriage wasfinances, and we had mentioned
in several of our earlierpodcasts about that being kind
of one of the major Cause.
We was broke and we didn'tspend well when we had money.
Bryan (08:41):
That's right.
Natalie (08:45):
You know, we did not steward our money well because
we had an unhealthy relationshipwith our money, right.
Bryan (08:49):
And so what we're saying is that this is the beginning of
what we hope is going to be aninformative few episodes that
are really going to help you andyour partner your spouse
figures some stuff out andactually resolves submission and
understand why that there'sactual like you can say, like
I'm I'm the king of like.
I can deal with stress, butI've noticed in my older age I
(09:11):
can actually handle way morethan I could when I was younger.
Natalie (09:13):
But I also am much more aware of what things are
causing me stress and what is itRight and maybe you are in a
position where you're like cool,I, I've been feeling some of
these things Right that we'vebeen talking about and the hope
is that maybe you can have alight bulb moment of like.
(09:35):
Maybe I am stressed out, maybethere is tension here that I
didn't realize could be acontributing factor.
Absolutely Obviously, we willnever say do seek medical
attention.
Bryan (09:45):
Yeah.
Natalie (09:46):
Absolutely, if you're experiencing chest pains and
you're experiencing um digestiveissues and exciting attacks go
see a doctor.
We cannot stress that enough.
Bryan (09:58):
We just want to, we want to go through some of these
things.
There are their actual physical, uh like physical
manifestations and some of thelanguage that we were reading.
Under stress, your heart pumpsfaster, uh.
Stress hormones uh cause yourblood vessels to constrict and
you divert more oxygen to yourmuscles, so you have more
strength to take, take action.
But it also raises your bloodpressure and the result frequent
(10:21):
or chronic stress, will makeyour work, your heart work, too
hard for too long.
Right.
And if you already have like,say you have chronic heart
issues because your family likegenetically, this isn't good for
you.
Natalie (10:33):
No.
Bryan (10:33):
Right and what.
What we're seeing is even inthe studies for people that are
doing heart stress or just lifestress, is that even if you
didn't have a chronic issue, youcan actually stress yourself
into having chronic problems.
Natalie (10:45):
Yes, and, like I would say, heart palpitations as well.
That was my own experience when, I was when I get stressed or
filled with anxiety or fear oror that, um, how can I describe
it?
Like a narrowing in.
I get chest tightness and chestor heart palpitations where my
(11:08):
heart is like you're almost likegoing into a, um,
hyperventilating, likehyperventilating where you just
can't control your breathing andthings like that, right.
So for me that also um is asymptom.
Bryan (11:26):
Yeah, Right, Well, and that's even some of the things
that we read.
That's actually fairly normal.
That's like having an anxietyattack your heart's palp,
everything's.
Your heart's palpating,palpating.
Natalie (11:37):
Yes, right.
Um, another article we readsays stress induces chronic
immune activation, whichessentially just means that you
trigger your immune system tofunction and fire at a level
it's not supposed to.
Bryan (11:54):
And it's fighting the wrong thing.
It's fighting the wrong things.
Natalie (11:57):
Yes, and what they had said, which I thought was so
fascinating, was that it altershealth outcomes that resemble
those seen in chronicinflammatory diseases such as
rheumatoid arthritis, which Iwas floored when I read that
that your response to stress andtension can actually alter
health outcomes and resembleother illnesses and other
(12:19):
implement, like inflammation,illnesses, which is just mind
boggling.
That, for those of us that youknow, live in that state of
nervousness, live in that stateof always.
You're on edge, like the amountof what's the word I'm looking
(12:41):
for, like the burden that you'reputting your body through.
It's just, it's overwhelming.
Bryan (12:48):
I like how you said it, it's the burden you're putting
your body through, partiallybecause of the the stress around
you, but because you get to acertain place, you're just
choosing this, because that'swhat you know.
You don't know anything elseright right and I.
That's altered immune function.
It can exacerbate symptoms inboth physical or physical and
physiological illnesses.
(13:09):
We got all of our information,or some of our information, from
psychology today and theAmerican psychological
association Super detailed andwhat they had here.
Natalie (13:17):
We're gonna be referencing them a few times.
Bryan (13:20):
Yeah, a few times.
Natalie (13:21):
I thought it was one of the most fascinating things I
had read, as someone whoSuffered with anxiety and I was
always at a heightened level-for everything for everything.
It didn't matter what it was.
It could be non triggering.
Triggering there was always anundercurrent of anxiety, and
(13:42):
what this is from a 2016 articlefrom psychology today says this
beware of the exterior inyourself or Others, because here
we go.
Anger is a primary emotionunderlying Anxiety right.
(14:03):
I remember when, when I readthis the other day, I was just
like you have got to be kiddingme, right.
That that's sort of like theundercurrent of anxiety is a
state of anger.
It was surprising to me right,well it's.
Bryan (14:21):
It shouldn't be like Even in psychology.
They look a minute, what do weknow?
Like it's see, if my, myresponse isn't fight, flight or
freeze.
It was always fight.
I only had one, and it wasalways to fight with everything.
And whenever I get and still tothis Day, when I get to a
certain level of stress, I justget angry and and how I and how
(14:42):
I face my stress is by dealingwith the Problem, but in not
necessarily always healthilylike dealing with angrily right.
And anger is such a powerfulmotion and and when you're not,
if you don't deal with youranger properly and you don't
like have a proper outlet orlearn how to manage it, or learn
how to be like here's the thingthat the world doesn't want to
(15:02):
hear right now.
Or current current culture islike if you have anger, that's
that's okay, man, like it's it'sokay that you feel these things
.
You don't need to control that.
No, no, no.
There needs to be a as a man,as a man I'm saying this as a
man you need to control yourself.
You need to haveself-discipline.
You need to be disciplinedenough to know that, hey, I'm
angry and not lash out so dowomen.
Yes, but I can't say that to youbecause you're a woman and like
(15:25):
I need you to control yourtemper right, I know I need to
control my temper.
Well, the only here's the funnything is your temper.
I know how mad you are by howmuch French you speak to me.
In the moment, I think that'show.
That's how I know things areGoing poorly, as if I get the
French right.
So anger is a super powerfulemotion.
It is something you, if notdealt with, then it'll control
(15:47):
your life.
Natalie (15:48):
Collins dictionary defines tension as this.
We're kind of on the anxietytopic here tension is the
feeling that is produced in asituation when people are
anxious and do not trust eachother and when there is a
Possibility of sudden violenceor conflict.
So that's Collins dictionary.
It's definition of tension,which I was just like this Just
(16:09):
so there's no.
This is just gonna get betterif we keep this attitude of
tension.
Bryan (16:15):
Did you ever fear that I was gonna be violent?
Natalie (16:19):
No.
Bryan (16:21):
But you knew that you were going to be facing conflict
yes, not violence, and thetough part about this is that
that may not be our story.
But that may be someone else's,but that definitely is someone
else's story where they fearthat the anger because it might
come with violence or some sortof violence, whether it's verbal
(16:42):
abuse or emotional abuse orphysical abuse like there's
something that happens if you'renot dealing with your anger.
And often, but not always oftenmen struggle that a lot more
than women.
I would say yes, in ourexperience.
Natalie (16:57):
Yes, I, and we didn't grab a statistic for how many
percentage of men versus women.
Bryan (17:02):
Yeah, right, go with that route.
But I know that that wasdefinitely my problem.
It was very much.
It was an anger.
Natalie (17:09):
Yeah, and there's lots of women that are just like that
, right, and I think there's anincrease or maybe not an
increase, but more of an openawareness to men who suffer
violence.
Bryan (17:20):
Right.
Natalie (17:21):
From women.
Psychology today also saysthese terrible choose so that's
anxiety and anxiety and anger orthe terrible choose, increase
your vulnerability to illnesses,especially upper respiratory,
because it compromises yourimmune system, it exacerbates
your pain and increases the riskof death from cardiovascular
(17:42):
disease and from all sources ofdeath.
Wow, like if that doesn't kindof alert you or wake you up.
Anger is more than an emotion.
It's a conduit that intensifiesanxiety.
Bryan (17:55):
Yeah, and we know, we know someone in particular that
lives their whole life onanxiety and anger and they're
constantly sick, they'reconstantly have physical health
problems and they go to thedoctor all the time and they
never, ever, get any resolutionas to what's going on.
(18:16):
The doctor says stress and theydon't want to believe it, but
they're just.
They live in anger and anxietyand when you talk about it, it's
just anger and it's constant,it's constant, it's constant.
Been a doctor many, many timesand there's never any health
resolutions for it.
Natalie (18:30):
Or tools to cope with it.
Bryan (18:32):
Right.
Natalie (18:33):
Sometimes like you're launched in a situation that is
not your doing.
Yeah, Absolutely.
And that's what happens whenthings happen to you.
These effects of tension andstress are like it doesn't
differentiate between ifsomething was inflicted upon you
or you inflicted it uponyourself.
Right?
The end result is the sametension and stress.
(18:53):
This is what happens, and ifyou find yourself in a place
where you you need to get helpin order to be able to see right
.
Hey, this is the result of thisor this is a result of something
that you have allowed or thatyou kind of put on yourself, or
that was inflicted upon youwithout your wanting.
(19:14):
Seeing a therapist, seeing apsychologist or a counselor or
anything so valuable.
Bryan (19:23):
Well and like even if we were to, just as as you're
talking, just kind of breakingdown this thing the the stress
that's easier to leave unlessyou struggle with just taking on
everything.
But a stress that's easier toleave is, say, stress that's
environmental, like you go towork, you have to deal with your
(19:43):
job from nine to five orwhatever that happens to be that
stress you can leave at work,like you should be able to leave
that at work, right, likesometimes it comes home but but
oftentimes that stress is issomething that is external and
like an external stress that youhave to deal with, but it's not
emotional, it's not taking uprent in your head or taking up
space in your head.
(20:03):
There's not renting a spot inyour head, but sometimes,
oftentimes, marriage issues thatare compounded or relationship
issues or even friend to friendissues, because they're more
emotional and they're more it'snot an external issue, it's an
actual relational thing betweenme and you is that when we can't
resolve this issue, it causestension and that actually does
(20:26):
rent space in your head.
That's right.
It does take space up in yourheart.
It actually affects the things,because it's not something I
can just leave.
I was like I have to.
I go to work, and which is whathappens with people is that,
instead of using like going towork so it aids you in your
relationship, when you come homewith your wife, they're going
to work to hide from what'shappening at home.
Natalie (20:45):
Right.
Bryan (20:45):
Which is what I did for a long time.
I went to work, worked 15 hoursa day, six, seven days a week,
so I didn't have to deal withwhat was going on at home.
But there's that part, butthose things.
What happens is that, becausethey're piling up, it's external
, it actually does take up spaceand then it begins to sap your
energy and it saps how you makedecisions and it saps all of
that, because it's not anexternal problem, it's an
internal issue.
Natalie (21:05):
Now, that's right.
And it's not just big thingslike finances or having children
or a diagnosis, it's.
It's like let me talk to thepeople pleasers out there.
Bryan (21:17):
Yeah.
Natalie (21:19):
Like I refer to myself as a recovering people pleaser,
because the amount of stress andanxiety and tension that is
that is created by my own doing,of the motivation behind why
I'm doing certain things becauseout of a fear that they won't
(21:40):
like me or they will judge me orthis or that or that, like your
brain is constantly over firing.
My brain was and it was justlike the almost make myself sick
, trying to be all things to allpeople and the thought of not
being able to fulfill that rolethat no one put me in but myself
(22:01):
.
Right was just.
I'm not that I would rather die, but it's overwhelming like
that that you feel like you will, you know, implode if you don't
live up to those expectationsthat no one put on you.
Bryan (22:21):
Or, in my case, anyways, for people pleasers in
particular.
Natalie (22:24):
Yeah, right, and so this is that thing of like
nothing was inflicted upon me.
I inflicted those um which.
Which actually expectations.
Bryan (22:35):
That's where I'm looking for which actually was really
hard for you and I to deal withat some points, because I am not
a people pleaser.
Natalie (22:42):
No.
Bryan (22:43):
And you were, and you would do things, and I would
never understand why are youdoing that?
It doesn't matter if thatperson is happy or not, like
that.
That's not good for you.
It's better for them, for sure,and it's actually causing you
both stress and it would, and Iwould, and I would say that and
I wouldn't argue with you orfight with you about it, and it
(23:03):
just caused undue stress.
Cause I'm not a people pleaser.
I'm like why did we have to doit this way?
This, this doesn't make anysense and and it just was really
tough at certain points.
Natalie (23:13):
And setting healthy boundaries at the beginning
created tension and stressbecause it was so overwhelming.
And I remember my counselorsaying what is the worst thing
that could happen if you say no,right, and I was like, oh,
that's a loaded gun.
Bryan (23:28):
They might not like me.
Natalie (23:29):
That's a loaded question.
I might be disowned, I mightlike right and you go through
all of these things that havenot happened.
Bryan (23:36):
Right.
Natalie (23:37):
But these are the processes that you have to walk
through and I'm at a place nowwhere I can say no, and it is my
favorite word because it'sempowering right when you can
get to a place of it, ofrealizing that setting healthy
boundaries is not a bad thing.
It's not.
Bryan (23:55):
It shouldn't induce stress and tension and and the
other thing is is that if youdon't resolve them, that
emotional pull, that emotionalfight, that emotional strain
that you're experiencing, itreally does spill over into all
aspects of your life.
It goes or life goes into yourwork, it goes into your
(24:16):
relationships, your church.
Natalie (24:17):
Depression comes in full.
It's like right after that, ifyou don't deal with it and you
don't resolve it.
And I and I, I lived it.
Bryan (24:30):
Right.
Natalie (24:31):
You brought this sense of like utter hopelessness, and
you're so beat down that theredoesn't seem to be a way up, and
so you just perpetuate thiscycle.
Bryan (24:41):
Yeah, do you remember like there's a portion here that
we're?
I think we should actually talkabout the effect that I had on
our kids.
Are we willing one of ourepisodes?
But we, the constant fightingand the stress and the stuff
that we're going to, it becomesa problem and can cause issues
actually in your children andlike behavioral issues and there
(25:03):
might be chronic issues becausethey're so stressed out because
you two are constantly inconflict.
Right, and there's somethingthat was said in one of these
articles I think it was in theAPA one.
Often children whose parentsaren't happy in their marriages
tend to act out or misbehave asa way of expressing their
feelings Because they're notbeing heard, they're not being
seen, they're not being valued.
(25:25):
And it's scary to have the kindof thing.
Do you remember?
Natalie (25:28):
In the Walmart parking lot.
Bryan (25:29):
In the Walmart parking lot.
We were at odds.
Natalie (25:33):
Oh, we were like all that.
We had all of our children.
That wasn't when your dadpassed.
Bryan (25:37):
There was just a trip.
We come to visit Katie andJeremy.
We had come down for a trip andwe literally, it seemed like
all we did was fight all the waydown for the first few days.
So much so that mom my mom waslike are you guys okay?
And we're like yeah, we're fine.
What do you mean?
What's wrong?
Like we're not?
Natalie (25:53):
fighting.
And the thing is here.
We're so dumb.
Sometimes we had a minivan andwe were in the front and there
was the middle seat sections andthen the back seat sections and
we thought we were far enoughaway so we weren't talking very
loud.
Bryan (26:09):
Yeah, I'm not, but let's be honest.
Natalie (26:10):
I'm not that quiet.
I'm not that quiet when I'mangry.
But wasn't even thinking aboutour kids in the back seat
listening to our conversation.
Bryan (26:20):
Three or two.
We had all three, all three,that's right.
This wasn't that many years agoactually.
It was probably only like eightor nine, 10 years ago.
Well yeah, it'd probably be 11.
Yeah, anyway, and do youremember who was it that said to
us.
Was it Ezra?
What did he say?
Natalie (26:41):
We were just at odds with each other and he was
watching us and he was sittingdirectly.
He was in diagonal to thepassenger front seat and I just
happened to make eye contactwith him and I could just see
the tears welled up in his eyesand spilling down his face and
(27:01):
it like caught me off guard andI looked at him and I'm like son
, what is wrong?
And his little lip wasquivering and he's like you are
always fighting.
And I remember I looked back atyou and you looked at me and it
was like talk about a lightbulb moment Cause.
Bryan (27:23):
then we looked back at Rainan and Rainan was actually
crying too.
Natalie (27:28):
And Amherst was still.
Bryan (27:29):
She was there.
She was like what's going onwhen?
What was it?
She was still a baby, but youjust we looked at the boys and
they were both crying and then,as Rainan said the same thing to
us, you guys just have onlycause he was older he could
speak more.
He said you guys only havefought since we've left Prince
George.
And it was in that moment thatwe like, right there, it was a
light bulb.
(27:50):
It changed us in that moment.
Natalie (27:52):
And so you know when your children are hurting.
Bryan (27:56):
Yeah.
Natalie (27:57):
And if that doesn't move you right.
Bryan (28:03):
Even thinking back to it, you're like man, that was a
hard, that was a hard reality.
Natalie (28:07):
Brought us to tears and we looked at each other and
we're like what are we doing?
Bryan (28:11):
Yeah, and we ended up having a really great trip.
I remember that we did.
Natalie (28:15):
And we're just like kids.
We are sorry, right, and it waskind of, you know, out of the
mouths of babes, right,sometimes it takes their
perspective to snap you out ofit, and that's exactly what we
needed, but to say that therearen't issues that spill over
into everyday life and it's adomino effect If things aren't
(28:36):
well with you, things might notbe well with the kids, it spills
over into your spouse.
it spills over into your kids,into your home life, into your
family, into your friends, intowork, church, school, right, it
just is a domino effect, and sowe really want to spend some
time in the next coming episodesand just really kind of break
(28:58):
that down.
Bryan (28:59):
Well and like, even as we're thinking what's the stress
point in your own relationship?
What is the conflict that youmay maybe you may be even
talking about it every coupledays, but you're just avoiding
dealing with the issue.
What's the stress point?
What's the thing that you'resweeping under the rug?
What's the problem or thetension that you have in your
(29:20):
relationship that's actuallycausing you physical it's not
only is it emotional harm andspiritual harm, and mental it's
like mental block, but what'sthat thing that's preventing
your marriage from being thebest it could be, because you
are unwilling to face that issue.
Natalie (29:36):
That's right, right, and the hope is that this will
just be a push, an informativelike oh my goodness, perhaps
this is kind of what's going onin my situation, which is, I
mean, we needed that.
Bryan (29:52):
And our challenge to you is when you hear this and you
know where we're going with it,take an examination of your own
heart, of your own relationship,of your own spouse or your
relationship, and one beaccountable for your actions.
Don't expect them to changejust because, like you are, you
need to be responsible for you.
(30:13):
But, boy, what are the thingsthat are stopping you from
moving forward, exactly?
So we're looking forward to beable to continue on this.
Just know that there is hope.
Things can be changed,restoration can happen, you can
have a really great relationship.
Natalie (30:29):
Oh, 100%.
And this is just.
This is just being able torecognize tension and stress and
the effects that that has onyour body and then, as we move
into breaking that down to likeconflict resolution and why
holding onto tension and stressis so harmful to your marriage,
(30:49):
perhaps it can offer some toolsin your tool belt, like it did
for us.
Bryan (30:53):
Right.
So if you like our podcast, youlike what's coming up.
We just means a lot when youshare it, let people know about
amplified marriage.
So we ask that if you have atopic or a question or anything
like that, you can follow us onInstagram or Facebook.
You can DM us to those placesor you can email us an amplified
marriage at gmailcom.
And, as you've heard us say,you've said these words a few
(31:15):
times in this, in this podcast,but we believe that your
marriage can be reset refreshed,recharged and restored.
Thanks so much for listening.
Natalie (31:24):
Talk to you soon.
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