February 14, 2025 • 47 mins
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In this episode of 'Becoming Sunshine,' the host delves into the personal and transformative journey following her decision to have an abortion on Valentine's Day three years ago. She discusses the impact this event had on her relationships, career, and overall life direction. The host shares the emotional and physical struggles she faced, including depression and grief, and the various healing modalities she explored, such as plant medicine, ketamine therapy, and yoga. She also touches on the significance of self-love, the importance of healing one's body, and the spiritual connection she experienced with her unborn child. This episode aims to offer support and comfort to others who may have faced similar situations, highlighting the importance of moving from a place of love and self-compassion.
00:00 Introduction to Becoming Sunshine
01:19 Valentine's Day Reflections
02:14 Personal Journey and Turning Points
06:51 Healing and Self-Discovery
12:58 The Role of Physical and Emotional Healing
38:35 Spiritual Encounters and Closure
45:32 Final Thoughts and Gratitude
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Mentioned in this episode
To Be Magnetic- Neural Manifestation and Healing Work
Mindbloom- Accessible Ketamine Therapy from Home
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Madeline (00:00):
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better, and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hey friends, welcome back tobecoming sunshine.
So this isn't really the episodethat I wanted to release like
right after another pretty big,controversial coming out
episode, but I feel like thetiming of everything, just it is
(00:44):
what it is and around this timeof year I always think a lot
about this topic.
And so I felt like it was justmeant to be this way, and I have
to go with my intuition and mygut, and I know that it's going
to reach the people that it'smeant to.
I think this time of year it'sreally about self love more than
(01:06):
anything.
It's about romantic love.
It's about love for your family,love for your children.
It's just about love in general,and so I think this episode is
really fitting.
Yeah, let's just get into it.
So tomorrow is Valentine's day.
I know a lot of people have likemixed feelings about Valentine's
(01:26):
day, but I think at the end ofthe day, the days about love
however you want to interpretthat, and three years ago on
Valentine's day.
I had an abortion and yeah, Iknow that's a sensitive topic
for people.
Touchy, especially in certainstates, especially with the
political climate going on rightnow.
And maybe that's why this isimportant to talk about.
(01:48):
We just had the full moon inLeo.
Yesterday, so there's a lotgoing on with that, and there
was a lot of really heavyaspects with that lunation about
women and how there's a lotagainst women right now, just
with everything going on.
So honestly, maybe this is theperfect episodes right now.
Anyways, yeah definitely a canonevent in my life.
(02:12):
Not everyone knows about that.
Honestly my life has changeddramatically in the last three
years.
my friend grew up myrelationships, my career, like
my whole life, honestly.
When I think about my life threeyears ago I'm like a completely
different person and I thinkthis was a huge turning point
(02:34):
for me in so many ways.
I feel like it was a realitycheck and a wake up call in
every sense of the word.
I realized how far off my lifewas from where it needed to be
in order to bring a child intothe world and to be a good
mother.
I was really fortunate that theguy that I ended up having this
(02:57):
accidental pregnancy with wassomeone that I had known for
years, like we had been closefriends for years.
We dated at one point, but wehadn't been together
romantically officially in awhile, and we had actually just
started seeing each other, sowhen this happened it was
definitely a surprise andneither of us were really ready
to be parents.
(03:18):
He was pretty established in hiscareer.
He made good money, like wewould have been fine, but I
still hadn't really figured outwhat I wanted to do with my
life, with my career, what I waspassionate about.
At the time I was pursuing adifferent vertical that is like
the natural pipeline fromworking at nightlife to like
sales, but it really wasn'tsomething that I was passionate
(03:41):
about and it's not somethingthat I ended up doing.
And yeah, I was still working inthe club at the time and it just
it's not something that isconducive to raising a child.
I wasn't about to put my baby tobed and go to work.
That's just not something that Iwanted to ever do and I also
(04:06):
didn't want him or me to feellike we had to be together
because we are having this kidon the way, and we both had just
gotten out of pretty trickyrelationships.
He was just getting over abreakup that was pretty
traumatic, honestly, and I stillhad feelings for someone that I
(04:30):
had been dating on and off forthe few years prior to that and
we were still in each other'slives at this time, and
honestly, getting pregnant withthis other guy was kind of the
thing that I needed to let go ofhim once and for all, we just
weren't right for each other andwe needed to let go of each
other and we had been needing tolet go of each other, and yeah
(04:50):
so this pregnancy brought a lotinto my life and took a lot
away.
Honestly, it's something thatneeded to happen I think.
I really do believe everythinghappens for a reason and as
traumatic as it was, and asdifficult of a decision as it
was, I think that ultimately wemade the correct decision.
(05:12):
It's hard, like I still thinkabout it all the time.
I actually went and saw a Shamanthis past Fall about something
else, and I didn't realize it atthe time, but the week that I
went to go see the Shaman wasactually the same week it would
have been my baby's birthday, itwould have been their birthday.
They would have been two, and Ithink that was divine and very
(05:36):
kismet.
I actually ended up connectingwith my baby and getting to
speak to them, which was crazyand honestly very healing, and I
didn't realize at the time, butI think there had been a lot
that I thought I had healed, butI really hadn't and that
experience brought up a lot ofemotions and I think I was
(05:58):
finally able to heal some thingsand now I feel I have this
little baby looking over me.
Anyways, me and the father, wehad just started seeing each
other again, and we weren'tofficial or anything when this
happened, and neither of us werereally in a place to be parents.
We weren't technically togetherand I didn't want to feel like
(06:21):
we had to all of a sudden betogether because I think when
relationships are forced likethat, they don't end up working
out, and I had no aspirations ofbeing a single mom.
I have a lot of friends that aresingle moms and it's a really
hard.
I've been hanging out with oneof my girlfriends a lot lately.
She's a single mom and weactually had this conversation
recently and she was like only agood mom will tell you that
abortion is okay.
(06:42):
Because only a good mom knowshow much you have to sacrifice
in order to be a good mom, andhow much time and energy it
takes.
I think, three years ago, Ireally didn't have any
direction.
I didn't really know what Iwanted to do.
I basically was living like a 20something year old teenager,
(07:03):
like I didn't really have a lotof responsibilities.
I didn't really have a lot of Idon't want to say drive because
honestly at the time, I had justgotten into remission, so the
couple of years, two or threeyears before this, I was so
debilitatingly sick.
I really didn't have anyaspirations for the future, any
plans, because I don't know ifyou guys know, or if you
(07:26):
yourself have ever beendebilitatingly sick before, but
when you're sick like that, youcan't even really think about
the future.
All you can think about isgetting better and getting
healthy, and that's really whythey say, if you don't have your
health, you don't have anythingbecause if you're not healthy,
nothing else matters.
I wasn't worried about money, Iwasn't worried about my career,
(07:46):
I wasn't worried about anything.
Before I was healthy, that wasmy only goal.
That's all I could think about,and also too for a long time,
when you're sick, like that itstarts to become part of your
identity, and I was so scared.
I just thought maybe that was mynew normal and I was going to be
like that forever.
I was going to feel like thatforever, and so when I first got
(08:08):
into remission, I first startedto feel better.
I was finally able to thinkabout who I wanted to be now
that I was healthy, like what Iwanted to do and I feel like
finding yourself, like afterbeing sick like that, people
don't really talk about it asmuch, but it's a journey like
you're not the person you werebefore you're sick, you're not
the person you were when youwere sick and the person you
(08:31):
after, like you have to figureout who that is, especially, if
you go through this during yourtwenties, cause your twenties,
you're already focusing onfinding yourself and figuring
stuff out.
So especially if you go throughlike a major illness during this
time, it just adds to all of it,it's a lot.
When I got pregnant, I had justundergone a surgery, and so that
(08:52):
was like a whole other thing.
I didn't recognize myself in themirror.
I was definitely dealing withsome like crazy self-esteem,
self-worth like identity issues,and then I found out I was
pregnant like a few weeks afterI had just had the surgery.
I was still recovering and Ijust feel like my mental health
(09:17):
at the time was so bad.
I don't know if any of you haveexperienced this, but going
through a surgery, a facialsurgery where there's a lot of
swelling at first, especially ifyou have really thick skin like
I do.
You don't look better at first.
You don't look better for awhile.
Dealing with that, especiallywhen I work in an industry
(09:38):
that's very aesthetic based,image based.
I had tied my livelihood to myimage and honestly my self worth
to my image for pretty much mywhole twenties, my whole
livelihood was tied to that.
So when you do a surgery, youpay a bunch of money and go
through a surgery, go throughthe recovery, and then you don't
(09:58):
look better for a long time atfirst, that's hard.
Then at the same time, I justfound out I was pregnant with
somebody that I wasn't reallywith romantically, like
officially we were notofficially boyfriend and
girlfriend, like that sucked.
I wasn't in a place where I wasready to just be with this guy.
(10:20):
We're just going to move intogether?
We're just going to be togetherall of a sudden, even though
maybe we wouldn't have ended uptogether otherwise, like that
didn't sound very promising, andI also didn't want him to feel
like he was trapped or I wastrapping him.
I don't think he would thinkthat I just would never do that,
but it was just not a goodsituation all around.
I was raised catholic and veryconservative in the Midwest, and
(10:43):
my family was very much into thechurch and everything.
I was an altar server everySunday for years, my grandma
started the bereavement program.
I was raised with these certainvalues and I never thought I
would be in this situation.
I think a lot of women andpeople in general think they
might have a certain opinionabout this, but until you're
(11:04):
actually in this situation, youcan't really say like what you
would have done in thatsituation, and I'm sure I
would've figured it out, but Ithink trauma happens in the womb
and I've learned a lot abouttrauma and like healing my own
trauma, childhood trauma, and Ijust want to make sure I am the
best parent that I can be.
(11:25):
Of course, I'm going to end upmessing up my children either
way.
There's some trauma that youcan't really avoid putting on
your kids, but if there'sanything in my power that I can
keep my kids from felling ordealing with, I want to try, and
I never want my child to feellike I don't want them or they
weren't wanted, or that me andtheir father didn't deeply love
(11:48):
each other.
I think when I made thisdecision, it was coming from a
place of self-love and it wasalso coming from a place of love
for my baby.
I want to give my baby the bestlife, and at the time if I had
kept the baby, I really think Iwould have limited my partner,
and I think I would have limitedmyself, and if I'm limiting both
(12:11):
of us with this decision, Idon't think we would have been
the best parents.
I think we would have probablyended up resenting each other.
I don't want to ever be in asituation where the baby wasn't
wanted or resented at any point,because I really do feel like
they can feel that.
The guy is a great guy.
I think he would've ended uploving the baby and being happy
(12:33):
about it.
I think we both would, but ourlives would be drastically
different, and who knows, likemaybe I wouldn't have gone down
the path that I did go downbecause I would have thought
it's a lot of pressure to figurethings out a lot sooner, and I
think everything happens for areason.
Everything happens in divinetiming, and honestly that
(12:54):
experience catapulted my growthin a lot of ways.
I really started to dig deepabout what I wanted to do and
what I was passionate about andwhat I felt called to do.
It took some time, but you know,like I probably never would have
started this podcast.
I probably wouldn't have wantedto help people heal because I
(13:16):
wouldn't have gone througheverything that I went through
and part of that experience, Ihad to heal myself.
I was depressed for almost ayear after my abortion.
I think the whole surgery, likehappening in tandem with that
didn't help either.
I had a lot of swelling in myface for like literally almost
two years.
So that first year, it was likeliterally 10 months at least
(13:40):
where I just couldn't feelbetter, and I think something
that people don't talk about isthe grief you feel in your body.
Even if your mind can understandsomething logically, your mind
and body is connected.
Your body had this baby growinginside of it, and then all of a
sudden it didn't.
So my brain logicallyunderstands, I made the choice
(14:03):
not to keep the baby, but mybody doesn't know that.
My body just knows one minute wewere pregnant, one minute we're
not, and I think the timing ofwhen I ended the pregnancy
didn't help.
I didn't know I was pregnantuntil I was about seven weeks
pregnant.
I missed a period, but I didn'treally think too much of it
because I had just had surgeryand I thought the anesthesia
(14:25):
messed up my cycle, and so Ididn't really think too much
about it.
So by the time I found out I waspregnant, I was about seven
weeks pregnant, and then therewas like a huge snow storm in
Austin where I live and we hadto change our travel plans, and
I ended up having to reschedulethe procedure, and by the time I
(14:47):
had the procedure, I was nine or10 weeks pregnant, which is when
there's the most amount of theHCG hormone in your body, and I
went from this really high levelof this pregnancy hormone to
none at all, and I think my bodyjust freaked out.
Also just my hormones, being allover the place, didn't help with
(15:08):
my autoimmune disease.
I think that triggered a lot ofthyroid symptoms and aggravated
my auto immune disease.
I had finally just healed thatand then my body was all messed
up again and I had to almostheal my body again, and then I
also had to heal like mygrieving body.
It's hard to explain, but that'sthe only way I can think to
explain it.
(15:29):
It's like, my body was sad.
Like my body was grieving and Ijust felt so sad and depressed
and I just couldn't like logicmy way out of it.
I remember after he tried to bethere for me and I was just so
sad.
Like it was just go over to hishouse and just cry and he didn't
(15:49):
know how to help me.
I think he did his best, but hewould just be like I want like
happy Maddie back and it's likeyeah, no shit me too fuck.
I don't know.
I think sometimes men, or justlike men that aren't maybe the
most equipped or emotionallymature or seasoned.
They don't know what to say.
(16:11):
They don't know how to handleall the emotions.
I know he did his best, butyeah, it was a really hard time
and I'm sure he had his owngrieving process too that I
never really talked about withhim.
We never really addressed itbecause we were always so
worried about me and my processand my healing, but he lost a
(16:32):
baby too, and he's older thanme.
He's nine years older than me,so he was definitely old enough
to like have the baby and I knowhe wants to have a family one
day and I'm sure he thinks aboutit sometimes.
Like what if we had kept thebaby?
Cause we were really goodfriends for a long time.
We got along.
We probably would have been goodco-parents.
I know he's told me a few timesthat if my circumstances had
(16:55):
been different at the time, weprobably would've got married
and maybe we would've kept thekid.
I don't know, and I believe thatI do I think he probably would
have married me.
I think I'm pretty great, butobviously it wasn't meant to be,
and we weren't right for eachother at the end of the day.
I think if we were right foreach other, we probably would
have ended up together.
(17:16):
For whatever reason, it justnever worked between us.
We couldn't let go of otherpeople, or we just weren't the
right fit and that's okay.
I still see him every now andthen actually, I just saw him
last week.
And he was with a new girl thatlooks just like me, she's a
cutie.
I should probably leave thatpart out.
But yeah, I don't know if a lotof people talk about this.
(17:37):
I remember when I was goingthrough this.
Depression, I guess you couldsay.
I was trying to find otherpeople, or just anywhere on the
internet, people talking aboutin depth or like in detail, like
what I was going through andwhat I was feeling, and there
was nothing.
People talk about postpartumdepression after you have a
(17:57):
baby, I feel like there's a lotof literature on that, but there
isn't really a lot of literatureon the depression you feel after
you have an abortion sometimes.
I don't know if that's becausethis is such a controversial
topic, and this is such acontroversial issue and, people
don't want to talk aboutabortion like it's okay, or like
it's an option honestly, and soany type of comfort for these
(18:20):
women, it's just not a priority,or those women don't deserve
comfort.
I don't know, but we definitelydo.
I just remember there wasn't alot of comfort out there or
literature or I didn't find alot of other people talking
about this and talking aboutwhat I was going through.
(18:42):
I remember trying to figure outhow to heal myself and how to
feel better, and there reallywasn't much.
I remember I wanted to maybe doa plant medicine journey to try
to heal myself and I havedabbled in that a little bit and
that's helped.
I never ended up actually doinglike a big retreat somewhere.
(19:05):
I just was like, so sad andcommitting to anything or
following through with anythingat the time was really hard.
I remember, I barely worked thatwhole 10 months, yeah, honestly
I don't even have a lot ofmemories of that time.
I feel like when you're sad likethat and you're down bad like
that, it's just yeah, it washard, but a lot of good did come
(19:26):
out of this.
Honestly, like I said, untilthis happened, I hadn't really
thought a lot about my futureand what I wanted to do, and
honestly going through this andBeing in this low place for this
extended period of time.
I really had to dig myself outof this hole, and I never really
(19:47):
had to do that before.
I never really struggled withdepression or anything like
that.
I had anxiety when I was sick,that was a symptom of my
auto-immune condition.
A lot of thyroid symptoms, theycan trigger anxiety.
Honestly, a lot of psychologicalsymptoms are really related to
thyroid and that's why people gomisdiagnosed sometimes, because
it feels like a psychologicalissue and it's really just your
(20:09):
thyroid, but I had never reallystruggled with my mental health
like this before, and I wasn'treally equipped.
I didn't really know what to do,and so I started really diving
into healing myself and when Iwas sick before, one of the ways
that I healed my body washealing my trauma and like my
(20:32):
emotional trauma.
I feel like it's all connected.
It's all the same, and so when Istarted to heal my mind and my
soul, when I was sick with myautoimmune disease, I really did
start to heal my body, and so Ikind of took a page out of that
book again, and I started toheal myself by doing the same
(20:53):
types of things.
I really started to get back tojournaling, and doing the guided
meditations and the deepimaginings with the to be
magnetic work, I started walkingevery day.
That was one of the biggestthings that really helped heal
me.
I didn't used to walk every daybefore this honestly, and
(21:13):
walking outside and gettingfresh air and getting sunshine
and listening to podcasts andlistening to other people talk
about healing and just gettinginspired really helped me work
through this.
I remember my functionalmedicine doctor, he got me to
start gratitude journaling, andjust thinking about everything I
(21:34):
was grateful for really shiftedmy mindset.
I feel like that was one of thebiggest things that changed
everything.
I think during this time, Istarted walking, I started
listening to podcasts all thetime, and I think that's when I
started to think about what Iwas really passionate about and
what felt aligned and whathelped me.
And honestly, I think if itweren't for this time, this
(21:57):
period in my life I ever wouldhave you know, started listening
to podcasts the way that I do,and I probably never, would've
got the idea to start a podcast,honestly.
If I hadn't ever had to healmyself from like major
depression I probably neverwould have really thought about
healing and helping other peopleheal as something that I wanted
to do for a living.
(22:18):
You have to go through this shitin order to help other people,
and in order to inspire otherpeople.
You don't just wake up one dayand you're like oh, I want to
help people heal, I want to havea podcast.
There's usually some sort ofinitiation or, something really
challenging that you have to gothrough.
One of the things was healing mybody, from my auto immune
(22:39):
disease, and then the secondreally big one was healing my
soul and my mind from this deepdark depression that I was in
for almost a year.
So yeah any type of healing,I've done it.
I've gotten through it, and whenthings are really hard.
I just remind myself ofeverything I've already
overcome, and remember to givemyself a lot of grace.
(23:03):
Yeah so I feel like pretty muchevery way you need to learn to
heal yourself whether thatsphysically, emotionally,
spiritually, mentally, like Ihave figured it out or had to go
through it in some capacity, andso I think going through this
definitely helped me figure outwhat I'm passionate about, what
(23:26):
I'm meant to do, and also like Isaid, I looked for other people
that had gone through this and Iwas looking for help and it
wasn't there, and so I thinkthat there's definitely other
women like me that could usejust someone to relate to
(23:48):
someone that has been through itand knows how they're feeling,
and also women deserve to beseen, like making this decision.
It's an act of love in a lot ofcases, maybe not everybody feels
that way, and people have reallyfirm stances on this topic, but
I think choosing not to bring achild into a world that's
(24:11):
unstable, and that's uncertain,and that is not the most healed
and the most equipped home.
I I think that is an act oflove.
I'm sure I would have been agood mom.
I would have figured it out.
He would have been a greatfather.
He's going to be a great father.
One day, I'm going to be a greatmom one day, but I don't think
the union we were at the timewould have made the best home
(24:35):
for a baby, and I think thatthat decision ultimately was out
of love more than anything.
So yeah, I think thatperspective needs to be shared
and also I think about itsometimes.
I think what did I make theright decision?
I think I did the best with thetools that I had at the time,
(24:57):
and I made the decision thatmade the most sense for me at
the time.
I just feel like women like medeserve support and help, and
validation that their decisionwas okay, or not even
validation, just a community orjust I don't know anyone to
relate to.
I felt so alone, like I said,the father did his best to
(25:19):
support me.
He couldn't really relate towhat I was going through.
Yeah, he lost a baby as well,obviously like our experiences
are different, our hormones aredifferent.
It was my body, especially withhow fragile my body is like
already, just because of myhealth issues.
I had literally just healed andalso recovering from a surgery.
(25:40):
Like it was just a lot.
It was a lot.
I just remember feeling reallydesperate at this time.
I really didn't know how to healmyself and there really wasn't a
lot of guidance out there.
I had a girlfriend that wasreally into plant medicine and
I've done therapy before, buttraditional talk therapy has
never really been something thathas really worked for me.
(26:05):
I personally feel like somatichealing, or EMDR, or like plant
medicine, or something whereyou're able to tap into your
body and heal your body.
I feel like that honestly helpsa lot more like going for walks
even, tapping.
I got into a lot of stuff likethat because this experience, I
feel like it traumatized my bodymore than a traumatized my mind.
(26:28):
Like of course mentally I wasnot okay, but logically I could
understand the decision I made,I understood why I made the
decision I made.
I understood what happened, likewhy I was pregnant one minute,
why was not pregnant at the nextminute, but my body didn't
understand.
I felt like I needed to figureout how to heal that, and so I
(26:51):
feel like moving your body isone of the best ways and
activating your nervous systemwhile moving your body is one of
the best ways to process traumaand process stress that's locked
into the body and stored in thebody.
Honestly the whole procedure ingeneral was pretty traumatic.
I had a complication and it waspretty scary.
(27:15):
I remember when I was having theprocedure, it was pretty
traumatic.
There was three women in theroom with me, one was doing the
procedure and other one was likeholding me down, and then the
other one was like holding mylegs open.
This is probably reallytriggering.
I'm probably gonna cut this out,but like even just having space
(27:35):
to talk about that, talkingabout my experience with other
women, there was none of that.
There was no community, therewas nothing.
Afterwards, I had to wait like areally long time before they
released me, and I coulddefinitely tell something didn't
exactly go a hundred percentright, and I ended up getting a
pelvic infection afterwards.
So that wasn't great.
The whole experience in generalwas pretty traumatic.
(27:57):
Not being really with the fatherofficially, it was traumatic,
being depressed after for almosta year it was traumatic.
Not knowing how to heal myselfwas really hard, but I think
when I realized that it was mybody that was sad and my body
that was grieving, I needed toheal through my body.
So I think doing these walksevery day, and working out
(28:20):
really intuitively and beingreally gentle with myself was
really key.
I remember some things thatreally helped me too.
I ended up getting aprescription for ketamine, and I
had heard before about ketaminetherapy.
There's plenty of places thatyou can go through.
You can work with a practitionerand stuff.
(28:42):
I intuitively, I feel like Ikinda know how to heal myself,
and I would do these really deepmeditations, and I would do a
bunch of ketamine, my provider,he would joke with me because
initially I got the ketamine tohelp me be better at work and I
didn't have to drink, and Iended up not liking it.
(29:04):
I'm not really a person thatreally likes to do drugs, or
really uses them recreationally.
I definitely am more into likeplant medicine or doing things
more spiritually, and so when hefirst prescribed it to me, he'd
be like if I'm taking it to goout with friends or go to a bar,
I'll do three or four littlepuffs of the nasal spray, but
then he's like, if I'm gonna gomeditate, I'll do seven or
(29:25):
eight.
And so I was like, let me trythis, you know, like can't
fucking hurt.
Like what I have to lose.
And it's crazy, so I remember Istarted using it for that.
I would lay on my couch, put ona meditation and I would
basically put myself in aK-hole.
I feel like I would do a lot.
I would do a lot of it.
I would do a bunch of ketamineand like see God, basically.
(29:45):
I feel like that helped me movethrough so much trauma, like so
much faster, and I was able toheal and integrate so much
faster than just on my own.
I feel like it was able tounlock parts of my subconscious
and my brain.
One of my favorite ways to dothis was in the tub.
Obviously be careful, you don'twant to drown or anything.
(30:08):
I just feel like in the tubmaybe, cause I'm a Pisces maybe
because I'm a water sign.
I felt like a sensorydeprivation type of thing, but I
would do it in the tub andlistened to a meditation, and I
just feel like I was able to goso much deeper than when I was
laying on my couch with an eyemask or something.
I would do it in the dark withcandlelight and have all my
(30:30):
crystals around, and listeningto like binaural beats and
healing frequencies and doing ameditation, like a guided
meditation, or I would justthink about everything with this
in the tub, and then at the end,I would imagine everything just
leaving my body, like all thestress, all the sadness,
(30:52):
everything, as I would drain thetub, like it would go away with
the water, it would wash away,like down the drain with the
water.
I feel like whenever I would dothat, whether, you know, it was
like when I was healing this, Iwas healing a breakup, whatever
I was like trying to workthrough and trying to heal,
whenever I would do these reallydeep ketamine meditations, I
feel like I would heal so much.
(31:12):
Another thing that I starteddoing, that really helped was
doing yoga.
I never was like a huge Yogibefore.
Honestly, I need to do it more,but I feel like whenever I'm
like really going throughsomething or feeling
overwhelmed, Literally justyesterday.
During the full moon.
I was feeling really overwhelmedon the way to the gym and there
(31:34):
was a yoga class about to start,and I was like, you know what?
I feel like I really need tojust go do some yoga.
It's been a few couple months,like I've just been going
through a lot and I feel likeyou're able to process this
stress sometimes better whenyou're moving your body, because
it's stored in there.
It's trapped in there, likedoing breath work with your hips
(31:56):
open, or doing breath work ingeneral.
I started doing breath workduring this time, and any time I
do breath work, I pretty muchcry.
Especially if I have my hipsopen when I'm doing it because a
lot of trauma's stored in thehips, especially after this
traumatic experience.
Getting a pelvic infection andjust like everything.
I feel like I just needed allthe healing, and it's like a way
(32:18):
to heal your body, and to healthis stress and this trauma in a
way that your mind can't.
So, I think doing these thingsin tandem, like doing the
journaling, doing the deepmeditations, but then also
moving your body, going on thesewalks, and even doing the guided
meditations while you're on awalk, like you're able to move
through and process when you'removing your body.
(32:39):
I think it's just so importantand I didn't really ever know
about this before, and so Ithink going through this
experience really taught me somuch, about healing, about
different types of healing,different modalities and like
what worked for me, what didn'twork.
Maybe some of the stuff I'mtalking about is controversial,
and of course I'm not a doctor,I'm not suggesting you do some
(33:01):
of these like more controversialthings, but definitely I think
they're worth looking into.
I know there's so many differentways to do ketamine therapy, and
it's way more accessible than itwas three years ago even.
I don't know, I just feel liketraditional talk therapy was
never really for me, and I alsodon't think it really makes
sense because a lot of trauma isstored in the body, and so if
(33:24):
you're not addressing thataspect of it, I feel like you're
not going to get as far.
Honestly, sometimes I think justtalking about stuff can be
healing.
It can be helpful, but also too,you can just retraumatize
yourself, and it's like, okay,now what?
Like we talked about it, itstill hurts.
It's still stored in my body.
It's not the whole picture.
Literally just yesterday, I wasdoing yoga, and I had a really
(33:45):
tough week last week.
Honestly, it's been a tough fewmonths, let's be real, and I
just got this intuitive littleping.
At first I was going to go tothe gym, just like work out or
whatever, and I was going on awalk before the gym, listening
to different podcasts and stuff.
Like my little routine that justgets me in the right head space,
and makes me happy, and I gotthere and I was like, you know
(34:07):
what it's the full moon, likeI'm feeling really overwhelmed
in my body.
I don't really think liftingweights is what my body needs
right now, like I think I reallyjust need to like, do some yoga.
And so literally, I starteddoing yoga, and luckily these
rooms are dark, and I literallystart crying while doing yoga,
(34:27):
and I feel like it's because I'mmoving my body and like all this
stress that's been stored in mybody over the past few weeks is
like finally able to be releasedbecause I'm moving
intentionally.
I'm not distracted.
A lot of times I'm at the gym,I'll be following a workout
class, and so I'm a very pluggedin.
I'm not able to like think aboutthings and I'm sure also too,
(34:48):
it's like the music, thefrequencies, just like the
community around me, and Iliterally started like tearing
up, you know, in like downwarddog, and I'm just like oh, thank
God these rooms are dark.
Also too, at the start of class,this guy put his mat like way
too close to my mat, in myopinion.
I don't think it was like in aweird way.
I think he just was trying tomake more room for other
(35:10):
students, and I felt triggeredby it.
I was just like, we don't needto be this close, but I like
recognize that I was gettingtriggered by this very harmless
thing.
This wasn't like a weird guy.
He was an older guy.
He probably just doesn't have aclue, but I was just like, why
am I feeling so reactive by thisguy's mat, like a little bit
closer to my mat than I wouldprefer.
(35:31):
And it's okay, like obviously,I'm feeling overstimulated and
maybe, just men in general, havejust overstimulated me recently
or their energy just feels liketoo much for me to handle.
And I think that goes along withsome of the themes that I've
been dealing with lately, and itforced me to check in and be
like okay, obviously there'ssomething that has been
(35:53):
bothering me not and, you know,work through.
So of course I just scoot my matover a little bit, it's fine,
everything's fine.
It just shined a light on somestuff that was going on with me
before the class had evenstarted, and then we literally
just started getting into aflow.
I'm starting to tear up, but Ithink it's because there's stuff
that I needed to work throughand moving your body, your
body's able to process trauma,and also hot yoga activates your
(36:16):
nervous system because of theheat, because of the movement,
because of the frequencies andstuff, so it's really healing.
Obviously, there was a lot thatI needed to process because I
actually started to get reallydizzy during the class, and I
started to get a headache and Istarted get really nauseous.
Like I literally had to stop afew times and sit down and the
(36:37):
instructor had to bring me likea cold little eucalyptus towel,
and I was just like damn, butthis is exactly what I needed.
I needed to process this traumaand the stress and honestly,
after the class, I felt reallyexhausted and still kinda
nauseous, and I think that'snormal.
I think when we're processing alot of trauma, especially if
(36:57):
it's stored in our body forawhile.
We're going to feel a little bitdrained, and even after I do
these really deep meditations,or if I do a sound bath or
something, like I feel exhaustedbecause processing trauma and
healing it and letting it out,like it is a lot.
It is a lot on your nervoussystem.
I feel like giving yourself thatlicensing to relax after and
(37:20):
take it easy is so important.
That's why after a massagesometimes you feel really tired
and drained and of course it'sthe buildup of the lactic acid
and stuff, like that's, what'sgoing on physiologically, but
also a lot of stress is held inyour body and it's being
released.
I don't think that's alwaysdiscussed.
I'm sure there's like a reason,I don't think most massage
(37:41):
therapists are going to evenshare that unless it's like
maybe more of a spirituallyinclined place because you can
enjoy a massage without gettinginto all the woo, but I think
that's a big part of it.
A couple of weeks ago, I got amassage because I was just
feeling really overwhelmed withmy nervous system, and I feel
like now, after going throughyou know what I went through
with my pregnancy and how Ihealed my body after that.
I know now intuitively that whenI'm feeling really activated and
(38:05):
really overwhelmed that I needto do something for my body, I
need to move my body in sometype of way, whether that's
yoga, whether that's a massageor that's a walk, whether that's
all of the above.
Even just like taking a showeror a bath, mindfully, and just
like getting the water, likejust wash it, for me personally,
I just feel like that's alwaysreally healing and like
cleansing, like my aura and likecleansing my body.
(38:27):
Not just like physicallycleaning myself, but like
emotionally, spiritually.
Definitely something that hasbeen really healing.
I talked about this a little bitearlier, but I kind of wanted to
get into it more.
So, back in September, I went togo see a Shaman and one of my
girlfriend's has been going toher for years.
I'd never seen a Shaman before,I've gone to different readers,
(38:48):
like astrology readers, likeother types of readers, but I'd
never seen a Shaman.
I initially went to her forsomething else, but ironically,
I went to her the same week thatmy baby would have turned two.
I didn't even realize it.
I always think about my babyaround this time of year,
because this is the time of yearthat I terminated the pregnancy,
(39:11):
and I always get emotional,around Valentine's day.
Honestly, it's sad, yeah, thatit was on Valentine's day, but I
think too, it just reminds methe depths of love and that
there's so many different formsof love.
Like, love you give yourself,love you give other people, like
it's not this superficialHallmarky type of love, it's not
(39:33):
just like romantic love.
It's like what love reallymeans, like the depths of love.
So honestly I think it'sbeautiful that it happened on
Valentine's day and now everyyear I always think about this
and I'm reminded of thecapabilities of love and
everything that love entails.
But yeah, I sorta remember,around the time that I would've
had her, in the fall, but Ithink I was just going through
(39:56):
so much other stuff at the time,I hadn't really thought about
it, and yeah, literally the weekI was seeing the Shaman is the
week that my baby would haveturned two, and so during the
reading, she actually camethrough, like her spirit came
through, and my Shaman likerandomly asked me if I'd ever
(40:17):
had a miscarriage.
I was just like no, but I've hadan abortion.
She was like okay, and she waslike your baby is speaking to
me.
I immediately started sobbingimmediately, you know, obviously
there's so much unhealed stuffthere that I didn't realize.
It had been like two years, likealmost three years.
I really thought I had healedmost of this, and then realizing
(40:40):
there still is so much that Ihadn't worked through was
challenging and justeye-opening.
She told me it would have been agirl, so that was hard, and she
told me that she understood mydecision, but that she knows I
would have been a great mom.
That was really good to hear,but it was also really hard, and
(41:02):
then she also was like, don't dothat again.
If you get pregnant again, keepit.
I don't know if the same soulcomes through.
I've heard that the same soulcomes through, like when they're
ready.
I don't know if that's true, butI know that our children are
always older soul levels thanus, so they understand the
(41:23):
depths of things on a level thatwe fully don't know, we fully
don't understand, so I know mydaughter is way wiser than me,
and I also know that now Ialways have this soul like
looking out for me, and beingable to communicate with her was
really special.
And just having her know that, Ilove her was amazing.
(41:47):
We ended up doing this ritualfor her.
I came back and I brought hersome toys and I connected with
the father and we gave her aname.
I think that was reallyimportant and really healing for
everybody.
I think just being able to talkto her, and do this ritual was
kind of like the missing piecethat I needed, and I didn't even
(42:10):
realize that I needed.
Like I said, I went to theShaman for something completely
separate, and that ended upbeing so healing, and so I
definitely would recommend thattoo.
Maybe if I had done that like acouple years ago, I would have
facilitated the healing processor just sped it up, but again,
everything happens when it'ssupposed to.
(42:31):
This time last year, I metsomebody that ended up having a
really big impact on my life,and now when I think about this
time of year, I don't so muchonly think about her and that
traumatic experience and likethe sadness.
I also think about the time thatthis person came into my life,
(42:51):
and I think about a lot of loveand a lot of joy.
This person that came into mylife when they came into my
life, it was a very familiarenergy.
It was like a soul that I hadalready met, like in another
lifetime, not to get like superwoo, and so I don't think it
would be crazy to think that maybe my baby or like my baby's
(43:12):
soul sent me another familiarsoul, as like comfort during
that time.
Like I said, our children areolder soul levels than us.
They're a lot more wise than us,and I think maybe she sent me
that energy that I needed at thetime.
I do believe that she's alwayslooking out for me and I have a
little angel looking out for meand watching over me.
(43:34):
That whole experience was a hugecatalyst for my growth, and also
this person that came into mylife around the same time last
year was a huge catalyst for mygrowth, so I don't think it's
crazy to think that maybe thatwas connected or she sent them
or whatever.
I just think this time of yearin general is just always going
to be a important part of theyear, and just like a huge
(43:57):
growth part of the year.
Just reminding me how far I'vecome, how far I want to go, and
where I want to take everything.
I don't know what's going tohappen with this other person.
We're still in each other'slives.
In different capacities, likeit's been a crazy year, but this
person definitely has beenanother Canon event in my life
(44:18):
and a huge catalyst for mygrowth.
Honestly, like one of thebiggest since this pregnancy, so
I think it makes a lot of sensethat maybe that was connected
and that was her sending like alittle guidance my way.
I don't know what's going tohappen with this other person,
whether we're going to end upbeing in each other's lives for
the long term in a big capacity,but I think that it's not a
(44:44):
coincidence.
You know that I met this personat this part of the year.
I could have met them any partof the year.
I have had kind of a complicatedrelationship with this person,
and both of us were like, whydid we meet when we met?
Maybe things would have beendifferent because we both were
unhealed when we met, but I justthink that everything is divine
(45:05):
and we met when we were supposedto, and I think maybe my little
guardian angel sent this soulwhen I needed it the most, and
honestly, I think if I hadn'thave had that familiarity and
that comfort during this timelast year.
I was going through a bunch ofother stuff at the time.
(45:25):
This time of year is just alwayshard.
I think that I would have feltreally lost.
So I'm grateful.
This was a heavier episode, Iknow, and I'm sure it was
triggering for some of you.
I hope that it resonated withthe right people, and that if
you went through somethingsimilar, you're going through
(45:48):
something similar that you don'tfeel as alone and it's okay to
feel conflicted about yourdecision, but what's not okay is
to feel like your decision isn'tvalid or you don't deserve
comfort, or help, because maybenot everybody agrees with your
(46:09):
decision.
It's your body, it's your life,and I think at the end of the
day, if you're moving from aplace of love for yourself, love
for your baby, love for yourpartner, and you're doing what
you think is best at the time,then there's nothing you need to
feel bad about or guilty about.
(46:30):
Anyways, I know this was a heavyepisode and controversial, but I
know it's going to reach thepeople that it needs to, and I
know that if I had found someonethat was talking about this,
when I was going through it, itwould have helped me.
Also, maybe it wouldn't havetaken me almost a year to feel
(46:50):
better if I had figured out howto heal myself and to heal my
body and, how to feel bettersooner.
Hopefully this is helpful.
If you guys have any questions,feel free to reach out to me.
My DMS are open, you can messageme.
If you liked this episode,please send it to your friends
or someone that you think couldget some value out of it.
(47:12):
Thank you everyone forlistening, I have already gotten
so much feedback about mypodcast, and so many girls have
come up to me, and told me thatthey love it and it's resonated
so much, and that just makes meso happy.
Even if I just help one person,like my younger self, like even
myself, like last week, it'sworth it and that's all I want
(47:33):
to do here.
So I really appreciate you guys.
Please comment, like, subscribe,rate it.
Five stars, send it to yourfriends.
It really does help me.
I just want to be able to reachas many people as I can and grow
and help more people healbecause, yeah, it's hard out
there.
Yeah, and I'm still healing.
(47:54):
We all are you know.
It's a journey, anyways thankyou guys.
I love you, bye.
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better, and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hey friends, welcome back tobecoming sunshine.
So this isn't really the episodethat I wanted to release like
right after another pretty big,controversial coming out
episode, but I feel like thetiming of everything, just it is
(00:44):
what it is and around this timeof year I always think a lot
about this topic.
And so I felt like it was justmeant to be this way, and I have
to go with my intuition and mygut, and I know that it's going
to reach the people that it'smeant to.
I think this time of year it'sreally about self love more than
(01:06):
anything.
It's about romantic love.
It's about love for your family,love for your children.
It's just about love in general,and so I think this episode is
really fitting.
Yeah, let's just get into it.
So tomorrow is Valentine's day.
I know a lot of people have likemixed feelings about Valentine's
(01:26):
day, but I think at the end ofthe day, the days about love
however you want to interpretthat, and three years ago on
Valentine's day.
I had an abortion and yeah, Iknow that's a sensitive topic
for people.
Touchy, especially in certainstates, especially with the
political climate going on rightnow.
And maybe that's why this isimportant to talk about.
(01:48):
We just had the full moon inLeo.
Yesterday, so there's a lotgoing on with that, and there
was a lot of really heavyaspects with that lunation about
women and how there's a lotagainst women right now, just
with everything going on.
So honestly, maybe this is theperfect episodes right now.
Anyways, yeah definitely a canonevent in my life.
(02:12):
Not everyone knows about that.
Honestly my life has changeddramatically in the last three
years.
my friend grew up myrelationships, my career, like
my whole life, honestly.
When I think about my life threeyears ago I'm like a completely
different person and I thinkthis was a huge turning point
(02:34):
for me in so many ways.
I feel like it was a realitycheck and a wake up call in
every sense of the word.
I realized how far off my lifewas from where it needed to be
in order to bring a child intothe world and to be a good
mother.
I was really fortunate that theguy that I ended up having this
(02:57):
accidental pregnancy with wassomeone that I had known for
years, like we had been closefriends for years.
We dated at one point, but wehadn't been together
romantically officially in awhile, and we had actually just
started seeing each other, sowhen this happened it was
definitely a surprise andneither of us were really ready
to be parents.
(03:18):
He was pretty established in hiscareer.
He made good money, like wewould have been fine, but I
still hadn't really figured outwhat I wanted to do with my
life, with my career, what I waspassionate about.
At the time I was pursuing adifferent vertical that is like
the natural pipeline fromworking at nightlife to like
sales, but it really wasn'tsomething that I was passionate
(03:41):
about and it's not somethingthat I ended up doing.
And yeah, I was still working inthe club at the time and it just
it's not something that isconducive to raising a child.
I wasn't about to put my baby tobed and go to work.
That's just not something that Iwanted to ever do and I also
(04:06):
didn't want him or me to feellike we had to be together
because we are having this kidon the way, and we both had just
gotten out of pretty trickyrelationships.
He was just getting over abreakup that was pretty
traumatic, honestly, and I stillhad feelings for someone that I
(04:30):
had been dating on and off forthe few years prior to that and
we were still in each other'slives at this time, and
honestly, getting pregnant withthis other guy was kind of the
thing that I needed to let go ofhim once and for all, we just
weren't right for each other andwe needed to let go of each
other and we had been needing tolet go of each other, and yeah
(04:50):
so this pregnancy brought a lotinto my life and took a lot
away.
Honestly, it's something thatneeded to happen I think.
I really do believe everythinghappens for a reason and as
traumatic as it was, and asdifficult of a decision as it
was, I think that ultimately wemade the correct decision.
(05:12):
It's hard, like I still thinkabout it all the time.
I actually went and saw a Shamanthis past Fall about something
else, and I didn't realize it atthe time, but the week that I
went to go see the Shaman wasactually the same week it would
have been my baby's birthday, itwould have been their birthday.
They would have been two, and Ithink that was divine and very
(05:36):
kismet.
I actually ended up connectingwith my baby and getting to
speak to them, which was crazyand honestly very healing, and I
didn't realize at the time, butI think there had been a lot
that I thought I had healed, butI really hadn't and that
experience brought up a lot ofemotions and I think I was
(05:58):
finally able to heal some thingsand now I feel I have this
little baby looking over me.
Anyways, me and the father, wehad just started seeing each
other again, and we weren'tofficial or anything when this
happened, and neither of us werereally in a place to be parents.
We weren't technically togetherand I didn't want to feel like
(06:21):
we had to all of a sudden betogether because I think when
relationships are forced likethat, they don't end up working
out, and I had no aspirations ofbeing a single mom.
I have a lot of friends that aresingle moms and it's a really
hard.
I've been hanging out with oneof my girlfriends a lot lately.
She's a single mom and weactually had this conversation
recently and she was like only agood mom will tell you that
abortion is okay.
(06:42):
Because only a good mom knowshow much you have to sacrifice
in order to be a good mom, andhow much time and energy it
takes.
I think, three years ago, Ireally didn't have any
direction.
I didn't really know what Iwanted to do.
I basically was living like a 20something year old teenager,
(07:03):
like I didn't really have a lotof responsibilities.
I didn't really have a lot of Idon't want to say drive because
honestly at the time, I had justgotten into remission, so the
couple of years, two or threeyears before this, I was so
debilitatingly sick.
I really didn't have anyaspirations for the future, any
plans, because I don't know ifyou guys know, or if you
(07:26):
yourself have ever beendebilitatingly sick before, but
when you're sick like that, youcan't even really think about
the future.
All you can think about isgetting better and getting
healthy, and that's really whythey say, if you don't have your
health, you don't have anythingbecause if you're not healthy,
nothing else matters.
I wasn't worried about money, Iwasn't worried about my career,
(07:46):
I wasn't worried about anything.
Before I was healthy, that wasmy only goal.
That's all I could think about,and also too for a long time,
when you're sick, like that itstarts to become part of your
identity, and I was so scared.
I just thought maybe that was mynew normal and I was going to be
like that forever.
I was going to feel like thatforever, and so when I first got
(08:08):
into remission, I first startedto feel better.
I was finally able to thinkabout who I wanted to be now
that I was healthy, like what Iwanted to do and I feel like
finding yourself, like afterbeing sick like that, people
don't really talk about it asmuch, but it's a journey like
you're not the person you werebefore you're sick, you're not
the person you were when youwere sick and the person you
(08:31):
after, like you have to figureout who that is, especially, if
you go through this during yourtwenties, cause your twenties,
you're already focusing onfinding yourself and figuring
stuff out.
So especially if you go throughlike a major illness during this
time, it just adds to all of it,it's a lot.
When I got pregnant, I had justundergone a surgery, and so that
(08:52):
was like a whole other thing.
I didn't recognize myself in themirror.
I was definitely dealing withsome like crazy self-esteem,
self-worth like identity issues,and then I found out I was
pregnant like a few weeks afterI had just had the surgery.
I was still recovering and Ijust feel like my mental health
(09:17):
at the time was so bad.
I don't know if any of you haveexperienced this, but going
through a surgery, a facialsurgery where there's a lot of
swelling at first, especially ifyou have really thick skin like
I do.
You don't look better at first.
You don't look better for awhile.
Dealing with that, especiallywhen I work in an industry
(09:38):
that's very aesthetic based,image based.
I had tied my livelihood to myimage and honestly my self worth
to my image for pretty much mywhole twenties, my whole
livelihood was tied to that.
So when you do a surgery, youpay a bunch of money and go
through a surgery, go throughthe recovery, and then you don't
(09:58):
look better for a long time atfirst, that's hard.
Then at the same time, I justfound out I was pregnant with
somebody that I wasn't reallywith romantically, like
officially we were notofficially boyfriend and
girlfriend, like that sucked.
I wasn't in a place where I wasready to just be with this guy.
(10:20):
We're just going to move intogether?
We're just going to be togetherall of a sudden, even though
maybe we wouldn't have ended uptogether otherwise, like that
didn't sound very promising, andI also didn't want him to feel
like he was trapped or I wastrapping him.
I don't think he would thinkthat I just would never do that,
but it was just not a goodsituation all around.
I was raised catholic and veryconservative in the Midwest, and
(10:43):
my family was very much into thechurch and everything.
I was an altar server everySunday for years, my grandma
started the bereavement program.
I was raised with these certainvalues and I never thought I
would be in this situation.
I think a lot of women andpeople in general think they
might have a certain opinionabout this, but until you're
(11:04):
actually in this situation, youcan't really say like what you
would have done in thatsituation, and I'm sure I
would've figured it out, but Ithink trauma happens in the womb
and I've learned a lot abouttrauma and like healing my own
trauma, childhood trauma, and Ijust want to make sure I am the
best parent that I can be.
(11:25):
Of course, I'm going to end upmessing up my children either
way.
There's some trauma that youcan't really avoid putting on
your kids, but if there'sanything in my power that I can
keep my kids from felling ordealing with, I want to try, and
I never want my child to feellike I don't want them or they
weren't wanted, or that me andtheir father didn't deeply love
(11:48):
each other.
I think when I made thisdecision, it was coming from a
place of self-love and it wasalso coming from a place of love
for my baby.
I want to give my baby the bestlife, and at the time if I had
kept the baby, I really think Iwould have limited my partner,
and I think I would have limitedmyself, and if I'm limiting both
(12:11):
of us with this decision, Idon't think we would have been
the best parents.
I think we would have probablyended up resenting each other.
I don't want to ever be in asituation where the baby wasn't
wanted or resented at any point,because I really do feel like
they can feel that.
The guy is a great guy.
I think he would've ended uploving the baby and being happy
(12:33):
about it.
I think we both would, but ourlives would be drastically
different, and who knows, likemaybe I wouldn't have gone down
the path that I did go downbecause I would have thought
it's a lot of pressure to figurethings out a lot sooner, and I
think everything happens for areason.
Everything happens in divinetiming, and honestly that
(12:54):
experience catapulted my growthin a lot of ways.
I really started to dig deepabout what I wanted to do and
what I was passionate about andwhat I felt called to do.
It took some time, but you know,like I probably never would have
started this podcast.
I probably wouldn't have wantedto help people heal because I
(13:16):
wouldn't have gone througheverything that I went through
and part of that experience, Ihad to heal myself.
I was depressed for almost ayear after my abortion.
I think the whole surgery, likehappening in tandem with that
didn't help either.
I had a lot of swelling in myface for like literally almost
two years.
So that first year, it was likeliterally 10 months at least
(13:40):
where I just couldn't feelbetter, and I think something
that people don't talk about isthe grief you feel in your body.
Even if your mind can understandsomething logically, your mind
and body is connected.
Your body had this baby growinginside of it, and then all of a
sudden it didn't.
So my brain logicallyunderstands, I made the choice
(14:03):
not to keep the baby, but mybody doesn't know that.
My body just knows one minute wewere pregnant, one minute we're
not, and I think the timing ofwhen I ended the pregnancy
didn't help.
I didn't know I was pregnantuntil I was about seven weeks
pregnant.
I missed a period, but I didn'treally think too much of it
because I had just had surgeryand I thought the anesthesia
(14:25):
messed up my cycle, and so Ididn't really think too much
about it.
So by the time I found out I waspregnant, I was about seven
weeks pregnant, and then therewas like a huge snow storm in
Austin where I live and we hadto change our travel plans, and
I ended up having to reschedulethe procedure, and by the time I
(14:47):
had the procedure, I was nine or10 weeks pregnant, which is when
there's the most amount of theHCG hormone in your body, and I
went from this really high levelof this pregnancy hormone to
none at all, and I think my bodyjust freaked out.
Also just my hormones, being allover the place, didn't help with
(15:08):
my autoimmune disease.
I think that triggered a lot ofthyroid symptoms and aggravated
my auto immune disease.
I had finally just healed thatand then my body was all messed
up again and I had to almostheal my body again, and then I
also had to heal like mygrieving body.
It's hard to explain, but that'sthe only way I can think to
explain it.
(15:29):
It's like, my body was sad.
Like my body was grieving and Ijust felt so sad and depressed
and I just couldn't like logicmy way out of it.
I remember after he tried to bethere for me and I was just so
sad.
Like it was just go over to hishouse and just cry and he didn't
(15:49):
know how to help me.
I think he did his best, but hewould just be like I want like
happy Maddie back and it's likeyeah, no shit me too fuck.
I don't know.
I think sometimes men, or justlike men that aren't maybe the
most equipped or emotionallymature or seasoned.
They don't know what to say.
(16:11):
They don't know how to handleall the emotions.
I know he did his best, butyeah, it was a really hard time
and I'm sure he had his owngrieving process too that I
never really talked about withhim.
We never really addressed itbecause we were always so
worried about me and my processand my healing, but he lost a
(16:32):
baby too, and he's older thanme.
He's nine years older than me,so he was definitely old enough
to like have the baby and I knowhe wants to have a family one
day and I'm sure he thinks aboutit sometimes.
Like what if we had kept thebaby?
Cause we were really goodfriends for a long time.
We got along.
We probably would have been goodco-parents.
I know he's told me a few timesthat if my circumstances had
(16:55):
been different at the time, weprobably would've got married
and maybe we would've kept thekid.
I don't know, and I believe thatI do I think he probably would
have married me.
I think I'm pretty great, butobviously it wasn't meant to be,
and we weren't right for eachother at the end of the day.
I think if we were right foreach other, we probably would
have ended up together.
(17:16):
For whatever reason, it justnever worked between us.
We couldn't let go of otherpeople, or we just weren't the
right fit and that's okay.
I still see him every now andthen actually, I just saw him
last week.
And he was with a new girl thatlooks just like me, she's a
cutie.
I should probably leave thatpart out.
But yeah, I don't know if a lotof people talk about this.
(17:37):
I remember when I was goingthrough this.
Depression, I guess you couldsay.
I was trying to find otherpeople, or just anywhere on the
internet, people talking aboutin depth or like in detail, like
what I was going through andwhat I was feeling, and there
was nothing.
People talk about postpartumdepression after you have a
(17:57):
baby, I feel like there's a lotof literature on that, but there
isn't really a lot of literatureon the depression you feel after
you have an abortion sometimes.
I don't know if that's becausethis is such a controversial
topic, and this is such acontroversial issue and, people
don't want to talk aboutabortion like it's okay, or like
it's an option honestly, and soany type of comfort for these
(18:20):
women, it's just not a priority,or those women don't deserve
comfort.
I don't know, but we definitelydo.
I just remember there wasn't alot of comfort out there or
literature or I didn't find alot of other people talking
about this and talking aboutwhat I was going through.
(18:42):
I remember trying to figure outhow to heal myself and how to
feel better, and there reallywasn't much.
I remember I wanted to maybe doa plant medicine journey to try
to heal myself and I havedabbled in that a little bit and
that's helped.
I never ended up actually doinglike a big retreat somewhere.
(19:05):
I just was like, so sad andcommitting to anything or
following through with anythingat the time was really hard.
I remember, I barely worked thatwhole 10 months, yeah, honestly
I don't even have a lot ofmemories of that time.
I feel like when you're sad likethat and you're down bad like
that, it's just yeah, it washard, but a lot of good did come
(19:26):
out of this.
Honestly, like I said, untilthis happened, I hadn't really
thought a lot about my futureand what I wanted to do, and
honestly going through this andBeing in this low place for this
extended period of time.
I really had to dig myself outof this hole, and I never really
(19:47):
had to do that before.
I never really struggled withdepression or anything like
that.
I had anxiety when I was sick,that was a symptom of my
auto-immune condition.
A lot of thyroid symptoms, theycan trigger anxiety.
Honestly, a lot of psychologicalsymptoms are really related to
thyroid and that's why people gomisdiagnosed sometimes, because
it feels like a psychologicalissue and it's really just your
(20:09):
thyroid, but I had never reallystruggled with my mental health
like this before, and I wasn'treally equipped.
I didn't really know what to do,and so I started really diving
into healing myself and when Iwas sick before, one of the ways
that I healed my body washealing my trauma and like my
(20:32):
emotional trauma.
I feel like it's all connected.
It's all the same, and so when Istarted to heal my mind and my
soul, when I was sick with myautoimmune disease, I really did
start to heal my body, and so Ikind of took a page out of that
book again, and I started toheal myself by doing the same
(20:53):
types of things.
I really started to get back tojournaling, and doing the guided
meditations and the deepimaginings with the to be
magnetic work, I started walkingevery day.
That was one of the biggestthings that really helped heal
me.
I didn't used to walk every daybefore this honestly, and
(21:13):
walking outside and gettingfresh air and getting sunshine
and listening to podcasts andlistening to other people talk
about healing and just gettinginspired really helped me work
through this.
I remember my functionalmedicine doctor, he got me to
start gratitude journaling, andjust thinking about everything I
(21:34):
was grateful for really shiftedmy mindset.
I feel like that was one of thebiggest things that changed
everything.
I think during this time, Istarted walking, I started
listening to podcasts all thetime, and I think that's when I
started to think about what Iwas really passionate about and
what felt aligned and whathelped me.
And honestly, I think if itweren't for this time, this
(21:57):
period in my life I ever wouldhave you know, started listening
to podcasts the way that I do,and I probably never, would've
got the idea to start a podcast,honestly.
If I hadn't ever had to healmyself from like major
depression I probably neverwould have really thought about
healing and helping other peopleheal as something that I wanted
to do for a living.
(22:18):
You have to go through this shitin order to help other people,
and in order to inspire otherpeople.
You don't just wake up one dayand you're like oh, I want to
help people heal, I want to havea podcast.
There's usually some sort ofinitiation or, something really
challenging that you have to gothrough.
One of the things was healing mybody, from my auto immune
(22:39):
disease, and then the secondreally big one was healing my
soul and my mind from this deepdark depression that I was in
for almost a year.
So yeah any type of healing,I've done it.
I've gotten through it, and whenthings are really hard.
I just remind myself ofeverything I've already
overcome, and remember to givemyself a lot of grace.
(23:03):
Yeah so I feel like pretty muchevery way you need to learn to
heal yourself whether thatsphysically, emotionally,
spiritually, mentally, like Ihave figured it out or had to go
through it in some capacity, andso I think going through this
definitely helped me figure outwhat I'm passionate about, what
(23:26):
I'm meant to do, and also like Isaid, I looked for other people
that had gone through this and Iwas looking for help and it
wasn't there, and so I thinkthat there's definitely other
women like me that could usejust someone to relate to
(23:48):
someone that has been through itand knows how they're feeling,
and also women deserve to beseen, like making this decision.
It's an act of love in a lot ofcases, maybe not everybody feels
that way, and people have reallyfirm stances on this topic, but
I think choosing not to bring achild into a world that's
(24:11):
unstable, and that's uncertain,and that is not the most healed
and the most equipped home.
I I think that is an act oflove.
I'm sure I would have been agood mom.
I would have figured it out.
He would have been a greatfather.
He's going to be a great father.
One day, I'm going to be a greatmom one day, but I don't think
the union we were at the timewould have made the best home
(24:35):
for a baby, and I think thatthat decision ultimately was out
of love more than anything.
So yeah, I think thatperspective needs to be shared
and also I think about itsometimes.
I think what did I make theright decision?
I think I did the best with thetools that I had at the time,
(24:57):
and I made the decision thatmade the most sense for me at
the time.
I just feel like women like medeserve support and help, and
validation that their decisionwas okay, or not even
validation, just a community orjust I don't know anyone to
relate to.
I felt so alone, like I said,the father did his best to
(25:19):
support me.
He couldn't really relate towhat I was going through.
Yeah, he lost a baby as well,obviously like our experiences
are different, our hormones aredifferent.
It was my body, especially withhow fragile my body is like
already, just because of myhealth issues.
I had literally just healed andalso recovering from a surgery.
(25:40):
Like it was just a lot.
It was a lot.
I just remember feeling reallydesperate at this time.
I really didn't know how to healmyself and there really wasn't a
lot of guidance out there.
I had a girlfriend that wasreally into plant medicine and
I've done therapy before, buttraditional talk therapy has
never really been something thathas really worked for me.
(26:05):
I personally feel like somatichealing, or EMDR, or like plant
medicine, or something whereyou're able to tap into your
body and heal your body.
I feel like that honestly helpsa lot more like going for walks
even, tapping.
I got into a lot of stuff likethat because this experience, I
feel like it traumatized my bodymore than a traumatized my mind.
(26:28):
Like of course mentally I wasnot okay, but logically I could
understand the decision I made,I understood why I made the
decision I made.
I understood what happened, likewhy I was pregnant one minute,
why was not pregnant at the nextminute, but my body didn't
understand.
I felt like I needed to figureout how to heal that, and so I
(26:51):
feel like moving your body isone of the best ways and
activating your nervous systemwhile moving your body is one of
the best ways to process traumaand process stress that's locked
into the body and stored in thebody.
Honestly the whole procedure ingeneral was pretty traumatic.
I had a complication and it waspretty scary.
(27:15):
I remember when I was having theprocedure, it was pretty
traumatic.
There was three women in theroom with me, one was doing the
procedure and other one was likeholding me down, and then the
other one was like holding mylegs open.
This is probably reallytriggering.
I'm probably gonna cut this out,but like even just having space
(27:35):
to talk about that, talkingabout my experience with other
women, there was none of that.
There was no community, therewas nothing.
Afterwards, I had to wait like areally long time before they
released me, and I coulddefinitely tell something didn't
exactly go a hundred percentright, and I ended up getting a
pelvic infection afterwards.
So that wasn't great.
The whole experience in generalwas pretty traumatic.
(27:57):
Not being really with the fatherofficially, it was traumatic,
being depressed after for almosta year it was traumatic.
Not knowing how to heal myselfwas really hard, but I think
when I realized that it was mybody that was sad and my body
that was grieving, I needed toheal through my body.
So I think doing these walksevery day, and working out
(28:20):
really intuitively and beingreally gentle with myself was
really key.
I remember some things thatreally helped me too.
I ended up getting aprescription for ketamine, and I
had heard before about ketaminetherapy.
There's plenty of places thatyou can go through.
You can work with a practitionerand stuff.
(28:42):
I intuitively, I feel like Ikinda know how to heal myself,
and I would do these really deepmeditations, and I would do a
bunch of ketamine, my provider,he would joke with me because
initially I got the ketamine tohelp me be better at work and I
didn't have to drink, and Iended up not liking it.
(29:04):
I'm not really a person thatreally likes to do drugs, or
really uses them recreationally.
I definitely am more into likeplant medicine or doing things
more spiritually, and so when hefirst prescribed it to me, he'd
be like if I'm taking it to goout with friends or go to a bar,
I'll do three or four littlepuffs of the nasal spray, but
then he's like, if I'm gonna gomeditate, I'll do seven or
(29:25):
eight.
And so I was like, let me trythis, you know, like can't
fucking hurt.
Like what I have to lose.
And it's crazy, so I remember Istarted using it for that.
I would lay on my couch, put ona meditation and I would
basically put myself in aK-hole.
I feel like I would do a lot.
I would do a lot of it.
I would do a bunch of ketamineand like see God, basically.
(29:45):
I feel like that helped me movethrough so much trauma, like so
much faster, and I was able toheal and integrate so much
faster than just on my own.
I feel like it was able tounlock parts of my subconscious
and my brain.
One of my favorite ways to dothis was in the tub.
Obviously be careful, you don'twant to drown or anything.
(30:08):
I just feel like in the tubmaybe, cause I'm a Pisces maybe
because I'm a water sign.
I felt like a sensorydeprivation type of thing, but I
would do it in the tub andlistened to a meditation, and I
just feel like I was able to goso much deeper than when I was
laying on my couch with an eyemask or something.
I would do it in the dark withcandlelight and have all my
(30:30):
crystals around, and listeningto like binaural beats and
healing frequencies and doing ameditation, like a guided
meditation, or I would justthink about everything with this
in the tub, and then at the end,I would imagine everything just
leaving my body, like all thestress, all the sadness,
(30:52):
everything, as I would drain thetub, like it would go away with
the water, it would wash away,like down the drain with the
water.
I feel like whenever I would dothat, whether, you know, it was
like when I was healing this, Iwas healing a breakup, whatever
I was like trying to workthrough and trying to heal,
whenever I would do these reallydeep ketamine meditations, I
feel like I would heal so much.
(31:12):
Another thing that I starteddoing, that really helped was
doing yoga.
I never was like a huge Yogibefore.
Honestly, I need to do it more,but I feel like whenever I'm
like really going throughsomething or feeling
overwhelmed, Literally justyesterday.
During the full moon.
I was feeling really overwhelmedon the way to the gym and there
(31:34):
was a yoga class about to start,and I was like, you know what?
I feel like I really need tojust go do some yoga.
It's been a few couple months,like I've just been going
through a lot and I feel likeyou're able to process this
stress sometimes better whenyou're moving your body, because
it's stored in there.
It's trapped in there, likedoing breath work with your hips
(31:56):
open, or doing breath work ingeneral.
I started doing breath workduring this time, and any time I
do breath work, I pretty muchcry.
Especially if I have my hipsopen when I'm doing it because a
lot of trauma's stored in thehips, especially after this
traumatic experience.
Getting a pelvic infection andjust like everything.
I feel like I just needed allthe healing, and it's like a way
(32:18):
to heal your body, and to healthis stress and this trauma in a
way that your mind can't.
So, I think doing these thingsin tandem, like doing the
journaling, doing the deepmeditations, but then also
moving your body, going on thesewalks, and even doing the guided
meditations while you're on awalk, like you're able to move
through and process when you'removing your body.
(32:39):
I think it's just so importantand I didn't really ever know
about this before, and so Ithink going through this
experience really taught me somuch, about healing, about
different types of healing,different modalities and like
what worked for me, what didn'twork.
Maybe some of the stuff I'mtalking about is controversial,
and of course I'm not a doctor,I'm not suggesting you do some
(33:01):
of these like more controversialthings, but definitely I think
they're worth looking into.
I know there's so many differentways to do ketamine therapy, and
it's way more accessible than itwas three years ago even.
I don't know, I just feel liketraditional talk therapy was
never really for me, and I alsodon't think it really makes
sense because a lot of trauma isstored in the body, and so if
(33:24):
you're not addressing thataspect of it, I feel like you're
not going to get as far.
Honestly, sometimes I think justtalking about stuff can be
healing.
It can be helpful, but also too,you can just retraumatize
yourself, and it's like, okay,now what?
Like we talked about it, itstill hurts.
It's still stored in my body.
It's not the whole picture.
Literally just yesterday, I wasdoing yoga, and I had a really
(33:45):
tough week last week.
Honestly, it's been a tough fewmonths, let's be real, and I
just got this intuitive littleping.
At first I was going to go tothe gym, just like work out or
whatever, and I was going on awalk before the gym, listening
to different podcasts and stuff.
Like my little routine that justgets me in the right head space,
and makes me happy, and I gotthere and I was like, you know
(34:07):
what it's the full moon, likeI'm feeling really overwhelmed
in my body.
I don't really think liftingweights is what my body needs
right now, like I think I reallyjust need to like, do some yoga.
And so literally, I starteddoing yoga, and luckily these
rooms are dark, and I literallystart crying while doing yoga,
(34:27):
and I feel like it's because I'mmoving my body and like all this
stress that's been stored in mybody over the past few weeks is
like finally able to be releasedbecause I'm moving
intentionally.
I'm not distracted.
A lot of times I'm at the gym,I'll be following a workout
class, and so I'm a very pluggedin.
I'm not able to like think aboutthings and I'm sure also too,
(34:48):
it's like the music, thefrequencies, just like the
community around me, and Iliterally started like tearing
up, you know, in like downwarddog, and I'm just like oh, thank
God these rooms are dark.
Also too, at the start of class,this guy put his mat like way
too close to my mat, in myopinion.
I don't think it was like in aweird way.
I think he just was trying tomake more room for other
(35:10):
students, and I felt triggeredby it.
I was just like, we don't needto be this close, but I like
recognize that I was gettingtriggered by this very harmless
thing.
This wasn't like a weird guy.
He was an older guy.
He probably just doesn't have aclue, but I was just like, why
am I feeling so reactive by thisguy's mat, like a little bit
closer to my mat than I wouldprefer.
(35:31):
And it's okay, like obviously,I'm feeling overstimulated and
maybe, just men in general, havejust overstimulated me recently
or their energy just feels liketoo much for me to handle.
And I think that goes along withsome of the themes that I've
been dealing with lately, and itforced me to check in and be
like okay, obviously there'ssomething that has been
(35:53):
bothering me not and, you know,work through.
So of course I just scoot my matover a little bit, it's fine,
everything's fine.
It just shined a light on somestuff that was going on with me
before the class had evenstarted, and then we literally
just started getting into aflow.
I'm starting to tear up, but Ithink it's because there's stuff
that I needed to work throughand moving your body, your
body's able to process trauma,and also hot yoga activates your
(36:16):
nervous system because of theheat, because of the movement,
because of the frequencies andstuff, so it's really healing.
Obviously, there was a lot thatI needed to process because I
actually started to get reallydizzy during the class, and I
started to get a headache and Istarted get really nauseous.
Like I literally had to stop afew times and sit down and the
(36:37):
instructor had to bring me likea cold little eucalyptus towel,
and I was just like damn, butthis is exactly what I needed.
I needed to process this traumaand the stress and honestly,
after the class, I felt reallyexhausted and still kinda
nauseous, and I think that'snormal.
I think when we're processing alot of trauma, especially if
(36:57):
it's stored in our body forawhile.
We're going to feel a little bitdrained, and even after I do
these really deep meditations,or if I do a sound bath or
something, like I feel exhaustedbecause processing trauma and
healing it and letting it out,like it is a lot.
It is a lot on your nervoussystem.
I feel like giving yourself thatlicensing to relax after and
(37:20):
take it easy is so important.
That's why after a massagesometimes you feel really tired
and drained and of course it'sthe buildup of the lactic acid
and stuff, like that's, what'sgoing on physiologically, but
also a lot of stress is held inyour body and it's being
released.
I don't think that's alwaysdiscussed.
I'm sure there's like a reason,I don't think most massage
(37:41):
therapists are going to evenshare that unless it's like
maybe more of a spirituallyinclined place because you can
enjoy a massage without gettinginto all the woo, but I think
that's a big part of it.
A couple of weeks ago, I got amassage because I was just
feeling really overwhelmed withmy nervous system, and I feel
like now, after going throughyou know what I went through
with my pregnancy and how Ihealed my body after that.
I know now intuitively that whenI'm feeling really activated and
(38:05):
really overwhelmed that I needto do something for my body, I
need to move my body in sometype of way, whether that's
yoga, whether that's a massageor that's a walk, whether that's
all of the above.
Even just like taking a showeror a bath, mindfully, and just
like getting the water, likejust wash it, for me personally,
I just feel like that's alwaysreally healing and like
cleansing, like my aura and likecleansing my body.
(38:27):
Not just like physicallycleaning myself, but like
emotionally, spiritually.
Definitely something that hasbeen really healing.
I talked about this a little bitearlier, but I kind of wanted to
get into it more.
So, back in September, I went togo see a Shaman and one of my
girlfriend's has been going toher for years.
I'd never seen a Shaman before,I've gone to different readers,
(38:48):
like astrology readers, likeother types of readers, but I'd
never seen a Shaman.
I initially went to her forsomething else, but ironically,
I went to her the same week thatmy baby would have turned two.
I didn't even realize it.
I always think about my babyaround this time of year,
because this is the time of yearthat I terminated the pregnancy,
(39:11):
and I always get emotional,around Valentine's day.
Honestly, it's sad, yeah, thatit was on Valentine's day, but I
think too, it just reminds methe depths of love and that
there's so many different formsof love.
Like, love you give yourself,love you give other people, like
it's not this superficialHallmarky type of love, it's not
(39:33):
just like romantic love.
It's like what love reallymeans, like the depths of love.
So honestly I think it'sbeautiful that it happened on
Valentine's day and now everyyear I always think about this
and I'm reminded of thecapabilities of love and
everything that love entails.
But yeah, I sorta remember,around the time that I would've
had her, in the fall, but Ithink I was just going through
(39:56):
so much other stuff at the time,I hadn't really thought about
it, and yeah, literally the weekI was seeing the Shaman is the
week that my baby would haveturned two, and so during the
reading, she actually camethrough, like her spirit came
through, and my Shaman likerandomly asked me if I'd ever
(40:17):
had a miscarriage.
I was just like no, but I've hadan abortion.
She was like okay, and she waslike your baby is speaking to
me.
I immediately started sobbingimmediately, you know, obviously
there's so much unhealed stuffthere that I didn't realize.
It had been like two years, likealmost three years.
I really thought I had healedmost of this, and then realizing
(40:40):
there still is so much that Ihadn't worked through was
challenging and justeye-opening.
She told me it would have been agirl, so that was hard, and she
told me that she understood mydecision, but that she knows I
would have been a great mom.
That was really good to hear,but it was also really hard, and
(41:02):
then she also was like, don't dothat again.
If you get pregnant again, keepit.
I don't know if the same soulcomes through.
I've heard that the same soulcomes through, like when they're
ready.
I don't know if that's true, butI know that our children are
always older soul levels thanus, so they understand the
(41:23):
depths of things on a level thatwe fully don't know, we fully
don't understand, so I know mydaughter is way wiser than me,
and I also know that now Ialways have this soul like
looking out for me, and beingable to communicate with her was
really special.
And just having her know that, Ilove her was amazing.
(41:47):
We ended up doing this ritualfor her.
I came back and I brought hersome toys and I connected with
the father and we gave her aname.
I think that was reallyimportant and really healing for
everybody.
I think just being able to talkto her, and do this ritual was
kind of like the missing piecethat I needed, and I didn't even
(42:10):
realize that I needed.
Like I said, I went to theShaman for something completely
separate, and that ended upbeing so healing, and so I
definitely would recommend thattoo.
Maybe if I had done that like acouple years ago, I would have
facilitated the healing processor just sped it up, but again,
everything happens when it'ssupposed to.
(42:31):
This time last year, I metsomebody that ended up having a
really big impact on my life,and now when I think about this
time of year, I don't so muchonly think about her and that
traumatic experience and likethe sadness.
I also think about the time thatthis person came into my life,
(42:51):
and I think about a lot of loveand a lot of joy.
This person that came into mylife when they came into my
life, it was a very familiarenergy.
It was like a soul that I hadalready met, like in another
lifetime, not to get like superwoo, and so I don't think it
would be crazy to think that maybe my baby or like my baby's
(43:12):
soul sent me another familiarsoul, as like comfort during
that time.
Like I said, our children areolder soul levels than us.
They're a lot more wise than us,and I think maybe she sent me
that energy that I needed at thetime.
I do believe that she's alwayslooking out for me and I have a
little angel looking out for meand watching over me.
(43:34):
That whole experience was a hugecatalyst for my growth, and also
this person that came into mylife around the same time last
year was a huge catalyst for mygrowth, so I don't think it's
crazy to think that maybe thatwas connected or she sent them
or whatever.
I just think this time of yearin general is just always going
to be a important part of theyear, and just like a huge
(43:57):
growth part of the year.
Just reminding me how far I'vecome, how far I want to go, and
where I want to take everything.
I don't know what's going tohappen with this other person.
We're still in each other'slives.
In different capacities, likeit's been a crazy year, but this
person definitely has beenanother Canon event in my life
(44:18):
and a huge catalyst for mygrowth.
Honestly, like one of thebiggest since this pregnancy, so
I think it makes a lot of sensethat maybe that was connected
and that was her sending like alittle guidance my way.
I don't know what's going tohappen with this other person,
whether we're going to end upbeing in each other's lives for
the long term in a big capacity,but I think that it's not a
(44:44):
coincidence.
You know that I met this personat this part of the year.
I could have met them any partof the year.
I have had kind of a complicatedrelationship with this person,
and both of us were like, whydid we meet when we met?
Maybe things would have beendifferent because we both were
unhealed when we met, but I justthink that everything is divine
(45:05):
and we met when we were supposedto, and I think maybe my little
guardian angel sent this soulwhen I needed it the most, and
honestly, I think if I hadn'thave had that familiarity and
that comfort during this timelast year.
I was going through a bunch ofother stuff at the time.
(45:25):
This time of year is just alwayshard.
I think that I would have feltreally lost.
So I'm grateful.
This was a heavier episode, Iknow, and I'm sure it was
triggering for some of you.
I hope that it resonated withthe right people, and that if
you went through somethingsimilar, you're going through
(45:48):
something similar that you don'tfeel as alone and it's okay to
feel conflicted about yourdecision, but what's not okay is
to feel like your decision isn'tvalid or you don't deserve
comfort, or help, because maybenot everybody agrees with your
(46:09):
decision.
It's your body, it's your life,and I think at the end of the
day, if you're moving from aplace of love for yourself, love
for your baby, love for yourpartner, and you're doing what
you think is best at the time,then there's nothing you need to
feel bad about or guilty about.
(46:30):
Anyways, I know this was a heavyepisode and controversial, but I
know it's going to reach thepeople that it needs to, and I
know that if I had found someonethat was talking about this,
when I was going through it, itwould have helped me.
Also, maybe it wouldn't havetaken me almost a year to feel
(46:50):
better if I had figured out howto heal myself and to heal my
body and, how to feel bettersooner.
Hopefully this is helpful.
If you guys have any questions,feel free to reach out to me.
My DMS are open, you can messageme.
If you liked this episode,please send it to your friends
or someone that you think couldget some value out of it.
(47:12):
Thank you everyone forlistening, I have already gotten
so much feedback about mypodcast, and so many girls have
come up to me, and told me thatthey love it and it's resonated
so much, and that just makes meso happy.
Even if I just help one person,like my younger self, like even
myself, like last week, it'sworth it and that's all I want
(47:33):
to do here.
So I really appreciate you guys.
Please comment, like, subscribe,rate it.
Five stars, send it to yourfriends.
It really does help me.
I just want to be able to reachas many people as I can and grow
and help more people healbecause, yeah, it's hard out
there.
Yeah, and I'm still healing.
(47:54):
We all are you know.
It's a journey, anyways thankyou guys.
I love you, bye.
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