May 15, 2025 • 33 mins
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Rethinking Attraction: Defining True Masculinity
In this episode of Becoming Sunshine, the host discusses a recent epiphany about her attraction to men and how her preferences have changed over time. She reflects on past relationships where she was drawn to men who spoke softly and doted on her, mistaking their behaviors for genuine masculine energy. However, she now realizes such men often lacked stability and authenticity, leading to unhealthy dynamics and emotional dysregulation. She emphasizes the importance of emotional safety, groundedness, and consistency, which she believes are the true markers of masculine energy. The host encourages listeners, especially women, to reassess their relationship patterns, move beyond charm, and seek partners who offer genuine support and authenticity.
00:00 Introduction to Becoming Sunshine
00:30 Epiphany About Attraction
01:21 Realizations About Soft-Spoken Men
03:06 The Illusion of Charm
04:20 Story Time: A Personal Experience
07:03 The Toxic Dynamics of Insecure Men
13:29 Recognizing True Masculinity
23:27 The Importance of a Slow Dating Pace
29:58 Final Thoughts and Reflections
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Welcome to Becoming Sunshine—the podcast where real talk meets self-evolution. This isn’t about being your highest self 24/7 or pretending healing is always pretty. It’s about learning through lived experience—friendships, heartbreaks, glow-ups, setbacks, boundaries, and everything in between.
Each week, I share unfiltered stories, honest lessons, and the moments that cracked me open and helped me grow. We’ll talk love, self-worth, emotional intelligence, leveling up, and becoming the version of
Follow the show on Instagram @becomingsunshinepodcast
Follow the host on Instagram @its_madelinegrace
Thanks so much for listening!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Madeline (00:00):
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that Sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hi friends, welcome back toBecoming Sunshine.
So, I had an epiphany recently.
I was wrong about men and whatI'm attracted to.
Or maybe it's just shiftedbecause of recent experiences.
(00:42):
I feel like I used to beattracted to guys that spoke
really softly to me and doted onme.
And for a long time that seemedromantic and my type I have a
guy friend, and I actually wouldjoke to him that, I would never
date him because he spoke toorough to me.
he would just be too bluntsometimes.
(01:03):
he wouldn't sugarcoat stuff.
He would be very real.
And you know how they say let'skeep it 100.
I would literally tell him Hey,can we keep it like 80% because
you're hurting my feelings.
You're a little too harsh.
And I was just used to guystalking to me not babying me,
but talking to me a little bitsofter.
And I've come to realize thatthe guys that talk to me really
(01:25):
soft.
Or like baby me, or dote on me,are actually the guys that, you
know, like I would think thatthose are the guys that like
keep me in my feminine energy,you know?
'cause they're like doting on meand like talking to me soft.
No, those are the guys that areactually pulling me outta my
feminine energy and pulling meinto my masculine energy.
(01:45):
Like those guys end up being thebiggest, for lack of a better
word, pussies or they're liars.
All of'em pretty much.
So, I think maybe I had thisbackwards and I think this is
definitely like a phenomenon.
I think the guys that You know,say all the right things, so
they're really smooth talkers.
(02:07):
I think that there's usuallysome insecurities there that
they're masking, there's somemanipulation.
it's smoke and mirrors, youknow?
I think the guys that actuallyare a little bit more blunt and
real are the ones that actuallycan hold the container of the
relationship and bring emotionalsafety and, their actions align
with their words.
the guys that were soft actuallydidn't end up being the ones
(02:30):
that protected me and kept mesoft.
what a concept.
We can't both be soft, crazy.
maybe this is just somethingthat everyone knows, but I just
realized it, so there has to beother women that don't realize
it, and so I'm here to help you.
Learn from me.
what if the guy that doesn'tsugarcoat things is actually the
one that you want, is actuallythe one that's gonna keep you
(02:50):
soft.
It's actually the one that'sgonna be real with you, actually
the one that's gonna encourageyou and support you.
And it's not just a facade thatis going to come crashing down
as soon as he gets you to likehim and fall for him.
I feel like charm is often anillusion.
I feel like we fall for theearly charm and the emotional
(03:13):
sweetness, and it can feelintoxicating, especially, if
you're looking for an emotionalconnection.
And I definitely had some of thebest connections with guys like
this.
we had an amazing connection.
he seemed very vulnerable withme, very soft.
I was intellectually stimulated.
We had some of the bestconversations, but I think
(03:35):
sometimes guys that are so goodwith their words, They're like
masking something else.
Like whether that's insecurity,it's like a manipulation tactic,
you know, like it's smoke andmirrors.
They don't want you to see thatthey don't actually have the
stuff to back it up.
it's just words, just beautifulpretty words.
And women oftentimes fall inlove with what they hear so I
mean, I get it.
(03:56):
It works obviously, but itdoesn't last.
so I unfortunately will fall forlove bombing because I think I'm
so great and it makes sense tome that a guy would fall in love
with me, and say we're soulmatesand that he's waited his whole
life to meet someone like mebecause I'm one of one, I'm
(04:17):
amazing.
Like obviously babe.
if you take that and youactually do have an amazing
connection with this person,like for example, story time
friends.
So this guy and the red flagswere there.
I think I just Chose to believein the potential and the
connection that we had.
I think I just wanted to beright about him.
(04:38):
But yeah, so this guy, so sweet.
We have the best connection orso I thought, and you know, he
says we're soulmates, that he'swaited his whole life to find
someone like me, which is likevalid.
I'm awesome.
You know, and I actually had anamazing connection with him too.
I had never felt that waybefore, like connected someone,
(04:58):
on that level.
It seemed like we had the samevalues and the same goals, and
maybe we did, you know, but hewas obviously very unhealed.
when I first met him, I didn'trealize how recently single he
was.
And then once I did discover howrecently single he was, I knew
that there was no way he wasready for a relationship.
but you know, I had alreadycaught the feelings and wanted
(05:20):
to see where it went.
And so this guy, he seemed likeso encouraging of me and my
brand, my podcast and of mydreams and wanted to build me
up.
He had a background in somethingthat could be really beneficial
and helpful towards that.
And so I was like, wow, I lovethis.
this person's a dream.
(05:41):
They say all the right things.
They're encouraging me and mydreams, they're wanting to help
me build my empire, you know?
And it all sounded so great,right?
so we fall in love and thisperson basically moves into my
house.
We get matching tattoos, no redflags, right?
so normal.
I probably fell for this personharder than I probably fell for
(06:01):
anyone.
And I think too, I love a goodnarrative.
Like I love a good story thatsounds and feels kismet.
And honestly, this guy remindedme a lot of a guy I had dated
before that I was madly in lovewith.
And he did a lot for me and mylife, and we had a great
connection.
But he was a little bit olderand we weren't on the same page
(06:23):
we didn't necessarily want thesame things.
And this guy was closer to myage.
And so I was like oh my gosh.
I found the same dynamic and thesame energy in this person that
was more my age and we wantedmore of the same things.
And so I kind of was married tothat narrative in my head, which
is not fair to put onto thisperson and this situation.
(06:45):
thats a lot of pressure to puton a new relationship, and I
think a lot of times we fall inlove with a story or an idea of
someone and then, even ifthere's red flags or things that
prove otherwise we wanna ignorethat because believe what we
wanna believe.
and it's okay.
It's like a lesson learned.
Yeah very quickly I'm like withthis guy, you know, head over
(07:07):
heels, basically livingtogether, get matching tattoos,
talking about like meshing ourlives together and there
definitely was red flags.
There was like old resentments.
With his ex that he hadn'thealed.
He obviously wasn't ready for anew relationship, very insecure.
And in the beginning when heseemed like he was so excited
about building me up and liftingme up, it became clear very
(07:30):
quickly that he actually wasn'tcomfortable with that at all.
he didn't wanna watch me shineand he didn't wanna lift me up
because he was so scared that ifhe did.
That I wouldn't need him anymoreand that I wouldn't want him.
he literally would be like well,aren't you okay with just
staying at home and being mywife and like, I don't wanna
share you with the world and allthese things.
(07:51):
So it's like he really didn'twanna lift me up and build my
brand and he even was like, wellif I blow up your brand, what if
you leave me for someone else'cause you don't need me
anymore.
And it's just like, I wouldnever do that'cause I love you.
But there was nothing that Icould say.
Like, that's obviously betweenhim and God, like that's his
insecurities.
And so yeah, he startedpunishing me for my ambitions
(08:14):
and when I wasn't willing tojust give up my life for him,
and allow myself to becontrolled by him, he punished
me and he moved on to the nexttwo girls and did the same
thing.
Got matching tattoos with them,moved in with them after like a
month.
this person obviously is nothealed.
They're not a bad person, and Idon't think our connection was
(08:37):
not real, but I definitely thinkthat in the beginning a lot of
the softness and a lot of thesweetness and the charm was to
get me to feel a certain waybecause it wasn't so much like
he loved me.
I'm sure he does in his own way,but it was like he needed to be
(08:59):
loved.
Like he had been rejected, hehad been hurt in his previous
relationship and he was sodesperate to get someone else to
love him and fall for him Tobuild up his ego.
Like I feel like he needed mylight to fuel him.
Like it was like an energyvampire situation.
And I think guys that are moregrounded and they don't need to
(09:20):
charm you, they're not trying toget you to fall for them, trying
to get you to like them.
Like that energy is a lot morestable and grounded and genuine.
these behaviors and this charm.
It honestly oftentimes masks,insecurity, codependency, and
(09:43):
definitely lacks any type oflong-term stability.
this guy needed someone that hecould control and that he could
be codependent with.
And when I was not willing to dothat, he immediately replaced me
with another person.
when that didn't work out, hefound another person.
even after he would try toreplace me, he would try to come
(10:04):
back and I still was not willingto give up who I am and my life.
then he had to find someone elseand eventually he had to move
out of the state.
Anyways, I feel like women oftenfall for words over actions and
how the kind sweet words and thesweet gestures in the beginning
(10:30):
are not always a reflection oftrue masculine energy.
I like a guy that is doting onme and wants to do cute, sweet
things for me and is veryaccommodating But I feel like a
guy, I'm not saying I don'twanna guy that's not gonna try
obviously, but like a guy that'smore real and sometimes maybe it
feels like a little bit moreboring.
(10:53):
I feel like real masculinityfeels different.
I feel like the sweet energy inthe beginning often turns sour.
'cause it's not authentic.
Like we fall for it.
'cause it's just like sointoxicating and it feels so
good, you know?
But The sweet often turns sourvery quickly because it's not
rooted in authenticity.
(11:14):
And like I said, it's usuallymasking something.
It's usually some sort ofmanipulation tactic.
And you know, the guy that seemslike more grounded and stable,
like yeah, maybe it seems moreboring at first, but that's
actually the guy that's gonnakeep you in your feminine energy
and the one that's gonna bestable and consistent.
(11:35):
I feel like men who often seememotionally available at first,
they can flip into like reallyavoidant, really immature,
overly needy partners.
That was definitely the casewith this dynamic that I had.
it ends up causing women toover-function and you feel like
you need to like mother him.
(11:58):
Or you know, micromanage hisemotions and become the leader
in the relationship, and that'sgonna kill any polarity in the
relationship.
that's like where attractioncomes from the polarity.
in the beginning, he seemsdoting on you and so sweet and
then he flips the switch andyou're trying to micromanage his
emotions and mother him That'sgonna kill all the attraction in
(12:19):
the relationship.
You're gonna end up resentinghim and he's gonna end up
pulling away from you.
This dynamic is so toxic and itpulls you outta your feminine
energy then you're the one inyour masculine energy because
you're trying to control thevariables in the relationship.
That's just like if you care, ifyou actually care about the guy,
if you're just like using him orwhatever, you don't care enough,
and then I guess therelationship can still work.
(12:39):
But yeah, if you fall for thisguy, you care about him, you end
up trying to coddle him orwhatever, and you end up
resenting it.
It's like, why do I feel like Ineed to mother this man?
You know?
Like that kills the attractionon both sides.
That kills the polarity.
it's pulls you into yourmasculine.
He's in his feminine and that'snot like a comfortable place for
either of you.
it's not gonna work.
When you're always planning,fixing, trying to hold the
(13:01):
energy together, walking oneggshells.
it's not a comfortable place tobe.
It's not where women thrivenaturally.
Men naturally, don't wanna be inthat position either.
they wanna be the onesfurthering and pursuing the
relationship.
Yeah, trying to make arelationship work with an
insecure man you're never gonnawin that.
It's never gonna be somethingthat you win ever.
'cause you're never gonna beable to like, prove yourself to
(13:23):
this man.
he needs to heal himself and youdon't need to be raising someone
else's son and mothering someoneelse's son.
real masculine energy isdifferent.
Groundedness, emotionalregulation, action over
promises, and integrity andconsistency.
Those are like real masculinetraits.
And you know, they can seem kindof like boring at first.
(13:44):
But it's like those are thethings that actually stand the
test of time that actually aregonna make you feel safe and
secure.
for example, my guy friend, andI've already apologized to him.
I feel bad that I've rejectedhim in the past, but we've been
friends for like two years and Iknow I can go to him at any time
for advice or like anything.
(14:07):
He's always encouraged me.
He's always encouraged mycareer.
He is always encouraged me topush myself, to work harder, to
lock in to, focus on myself, notbe distracted.
He's always tried to help mekeep a good head on my shoulders
and stay grounded and not bepulled outta my emotions.
always is there for me when Iwanna talk about other guys and
(14:29):
get advice on guys and liketheir perspective, and I still
respect this man and Iappreciate him and he is always
there for me.
he's been consistent this entiretime and it's like that's what
we actually need.
That's the masculine energy weactually need in our lives.
Not this over the top fake shit.
In the beginning that seemedsuper sweet and then they end up
(14:50):
being liars and manipulators andquite frankly, pussies.
Like I am the more masculine onein the relationship.
Yeah, like this guy, he didn'tlike woo me at first.
He was never trying to reallyimpress me.
he was never like overly soft ordonating on me.
He's always kept it real, andHe's always been able to hold
space for me in a safe andstable way and it's been
(15:13):
consistent for two years.
and I still respect him and lookup to him and admire him.
And it's like these guys thatstart so charming and sweet in
the beginning.
I don't respect them a yearlater, two years later, most of
the time I don't respect'em sixmonths later because their
actions don't align with theirwords and they can't back up
anything that they say.
And they act like they wanna beso encouraging and supportive
(15:35):
And then pretty quickly theirinsecurities starts to come
through and they start punishingyou for everything and they're
so codependent and you becomethis like masculine version of
yourself And I feel like you endup resenting them.
And for me, I feel like I'llstay in something or I'll stay
entertaining something like upuntil the point where I can't
(15:58):
stand them anymore.
I don't know why I'm like this,or why I have been like this,
excuse me, been like this in thepast.
It's like, why do I have to stayin something and entertain
something to the point wherelike, I can't stand to be around
you anymore.
And that's when it's finallyover.
men don't do that.
Men don't do that.
They like mentally check outpretty much immediately.
(16:20):
And then maybe they stay insomething.
'cause you know, it's easier tolike have something then to not
have something.
But women stay until they likeactually hate the person, which
is like so silly.
why do we do that?
I feel like when men areactually not trying to like woo
you and impress you and do themost, they're just like being
(16:45):
real with you.
those are the ones that actuallyallow women to soften and
receive and relax and stay intheir feminine energy Because
it's real.
It's actually real, like what aconcept.
I feel like that's oftentimeswhy we miss the real ones, like
why real masculine energy canfeel boring or unfamiliar at
first.
(17:05):
And I feel like oftentimes thisis'cause of patterning, like the
way we grow up and Earlychildhood dynamics and we're
just used to the emotional chaosor charm based validation.
And it's something that we haveto recognize and reprogram in
ourselves.
And we mistake groundedness fora lack of passion or edge and it
(17:29):
is just like, no, Chaos andpassion are not the same thing.
it shouldn't feel like arollercoaster, your nervous
system should feel grounded andregulated and safe.
It shouldn't be the crazy up anddown.
The ups and downs are addictiveand it's like an emotional
rollercoaster and it creates allthis dopamine in your brain, it
(17:51):
gets you attached to them, butit's not healthy, it's not
stable, it's not what you want.
that's not you being in yourfeminine energy, that's you
being in fight or flight and youbeing in your masculine energy.
And it's like the world is hardenough for women.
we have to do so much on ourown.
when we're in a relationship, itshould be like we're able to be
soft and it doesn't necessarilymean that the guy's gonna be
(18:12):
soft.
I'm not saying a guy should berough and talk to you like he
talks to his guys, but I think Ihad it a little bit backwards.
so this is why I'm setting a newstandard for myself and I feel
like I'm recognizing What truemasculinity is, or like the new
masculine energy that I want andI'm attracted to.
(18:33):
And it's this shift inperspective and what I'm drawn
to now and why, and it's like aguy that's Honestly probably the
guys that have always friendzoned in the past.
the guys that I can talk to justlike normal and regular and are
just cool.
I feel like I usually havefriend zone those guys in the
past and they're the ones thatare always there for me, are
always real.
(18:54):
Like my homeboys, like alwaysthere for me, always real.
I like made these little reelswhere I'm like joking about like
calling them and I'm like, oh myGod.
They don't pick up in the firstring.
And it's like I depend on themso much and it's like,'cause
they're so real with me andthey're dependable and they're
reliable and that's realmasculine energy that we should
be not friends zoning.
(19:15):
those are the guys we shouldactually be dating.
And these charmers, these smoothtalkers that are quite frankly,
full of shit and actually pullus out of our feminine and
dysregulate our nervous systems,and I feel like, again, you have
to look at What's emotionallyfamiliar versus what's
emotionally safe.
And I feel like, oftentimesgirls, they'll date the same
(19:35):
types of guys over and overagain.
They're dressed like in adifferent skin suit.
And it's like, yeah,'cause it'semotionally familiar, you know,
but it's like, what'semotionally familiar versus
what's emotionally safe?
what should we be choosing now?
I don't wanna continue the samepatterns and dating the same
types of guys over and overagain at this old age.
Like i'm over it.
You know, I've had eight monthsof being single and not just
(19:58):
being single, like being reallysingle.
Like I've been celibate.
I haven't really gone on anydates.
I haven't really entertainedanyone, I haven't been texting
anyone.
think of a time where you tooklike a sabbatical of six months
or more where you really weresingle.
Like you really weren't talkingto anyone.
I feel like oftentimes as women.
We'll always have like someoneon the side, you know,'cause we
(20:20):
like want that attention or thatvalidation and it's like when
you don't need that anymore,like at all.
you really have this opportunityto heal yourself and heal your
patterning and recognize stuffand you're just like, wow, okay.
actually at first yeah, it wasreally hard, but now it's like I
don't wanna entertain anyone orbe with anyone intimately.
(20:42):
And so it's someone thatactually deserves me and that's
actually aligned and thatactually can hold up what they
say.
And I know in the past, I feellike I've tried like I don't
rush into things.
Like with my ex, he pursued mefor two months before we were
boyfriend and girlfriend, beforewe were intimate, you know, I
really thought I had vetted him.
But yeah, there were red flagsand I ignored them.
(21:05):
And you know, it's stuff likethat, like I wouldn't do that
now.
So it's like every relationshipwe learn from and take something
from, and it's Always just likea lesson learned and it's never
a loss.
As long as we do learn somethingand use that to make better
choices in the future, the typesof guys that I will be
(21:25):
entertaining from now on aredefinitely gonna be different
from the types of guys that Iwas into before.
And honestly, I think the thingsthat I thought were like
charming or attractive before Ithink are gonna gimme the ick
now.
'cause I'm just like, this isn'treal.
This isn't like rooted inauthenticity.
This isn't genuine When I see aguy being overly doting and like
generous or like whatever, lovebombing.
(21:47):
It's just like, it should giveyou the, it's like, okay what
are you trying to mask?
Like what are you trying tohide?
you want me to be over herelooking at this when really you
know, something else is goingon.
what's really going on here?
let's just be real because whyare they acting like that?
Do you have to act like thatwhen you are dating a guy?
Do you have to be over the topor anything?
imagine if you as a woman werelike that.
(22:08):
that's so icky.
That's so gross.
obviously, you know, if you'rebeing overtly some type of way,
it's usually because, there'ssomething else going on.
when I'm on dates, I'm so chill,I'm cool with a cucumber, I
don't really care to impressthese guys.
I don't care if you like me ornot.
I don't have anything to prove.
I don't even know if I like youyet.
(22:29):
I'm not saying guys should bethat way because they're the
ones that are pursuing us.
But if they're trying so hardand so desperate for you to fall
in love with them, why don't youask yourself why?
Like, why is that?
I mean, yeah, maybe it's becauseI'm so amazing and you want me
to love you, but if they'rereally your person and this is
the person you're meant to bewith, There's no point in
(22:50):
rushing the process.
And it's like, if this really isyour person and this is the last
time you're gonna go through thedating process, like why would
be rush it Wouldn't we wannalike savor this time, and we can
like tell our kids about it orwe can just reflect on it when,
you know, we've been married for20 years, not like oh my God, we
rushed through the whole datingprocess and we ended up being
(23:12):
married.
I don't think that's how itworks.
I don't think that's supposed tobe how it works.
So it's like, if you think aboutit and you really do love this
person, this really like is theperson you're meant to be with
and you really believe that.
Why would the pace need to berushed?
that doesn't make sense.
I heard something that Idefinitely think is so smart and
(23:34):
honestly a great frame ofreference because I think in
dating today, people do rush theprocess, and I think it creates
this attachment when you don'teven know this person yet.
Like you'll think you're in lovewith someone before you even
know them.
anyone can pretend to beanything for a month, two
months, three months, like youdon't know that person.
(23:55):
Why are you moving in withsomeone after a month?
Why are you saying I love youafter a month, two months?
Three months.
That's crazy.
You don't know them.
You don't know anything aboutthem.
They could be anyone.
They could be pretending to beanyone.
Who they have been the pastthree months is not a reflection
of who they are, especially ifthey're love bombing you.
It doesn't make sense.
(24:15):
Do you need me to like you somuch?
You know, and I feel like thisis something that guys do as a
tactic.
Like they try to rush the paceby, trying to see you as much as
possible in the beginning andrush the process to either sleep
with you or get you to date themor move in with them, whatever.
And it's just like, if you'rereally my person, like why do we
need to rush this?
this therapist or likerelationship expert he was
(24:36):
talking about an appropriatedating pace and he's like the
first month of dating, youshouldn't have more than four to
five dates in the first month.
And it sounds so crazy because Ifeel like we're so accessible
and when you start datingsomeone, you like them, you see
them all the time.
it's not uncommon for a guy towanna see me like every other
(25:00):
day, every few days orsomething.
I am not saying that I give themthat time, but like, they're
hitting me up to hang out againonce I go out with them or
whatever, and they're like okay,when are we going out again?
And I get it like, you'reexcited, but it's like one
scarcity creates value.
Like why are you so availablefor this man?
And two, why is this man soavailable for me?
I'm amazing, but I want my manto be busy.
(25:22):
I want him to have stuff goingon.
You know, yeah, I want him to bepursuing me.
But it's like if you're hangingout with this guy, like three
times a week.
the first month of dating,you're gonna form this
attachment to this person beforeyou actually get to know them
and know who they are.
another mistake I used to makeis, I would talk to a guy, like
(25:44):
we'd be texting or talking onthe phone for a couple weeks
before our first date because Iwasn't sure if I wanted to go
out with him or not.
And it's just like, why would Italk to this man for two weeks
before I know if I even wanna goon a date with him?
That doesn't even make sense.
And I feel like before I used tothink oh like I don't know if I
wanna give him An hour of mytime, which just sounds so
(26:06):
crazy.
It's like, I'm so busy.
I don't know if I wanna give hima dinner or a few hours of my
evening.
but I'm gonna talk to him allthe time.
I don't need to be talking toanyone all day long and texting
someone all day long andbuilding them up in your mind
before you've actually gone on adate and spent time with them in
real life.
the dating process doesn't startuntil the first date until you
hang out in person.
(26:26):
And so all the talking and stuffand getting to know them before
you're just building up thisfictitious version of them in
your mind and like falling forthis version of them that
doesn't exist.
Like it's so insane.
I feel like this is definitelyan issue that I made, a mistake
that I've made in the past andit's a common thing.
The fact that this guy istalking about it.
(26:47):
I feel like especially withonline dating and stuff, for
example, I met this guy offInstagram and people meet guys
off apps and so I get it youwant to vet them and talk to'em
a little bit before meeting themin person.
But it's just like if you don'tfeel comfortable to go on a date
with them, you shouldn't betalking to them.
Like, why would I text you fortwo weeks before I even wanna go
on a date with you?
just go to dinner.
(27:07):
Just give the person an hour ofyour time, get coffee.
If you don't wanna go to dinner,don't get coffee.
But like, you know what I mean,get a drink, get like apps or
something.
And then decide, you know, ifyou wanna give them a chance or
not, don't talk to them for likeweeks on end and come up with
this like version of them.
And also in that time they'relearning you and they're
learning how to like talk to youand how to manipulate you.
(27:29):
And don't give them thatammunition.
don't give them that.
Show up, get to know them inperson and let them figure it
out on their own.
you'll find out if this issomeone you wanna be around.
don't give them weeks of gettingto know you and the playbook on
winning your heart beforemeeting them.
(27:49):
That's crazy.
that's like asking them to playyou it's like here's the
playbook on how to play me, howto get me to fall in love with
you.
Here you go.
why are we doing that?
That's so silly.
I don't know.
I feel like dating has just beenwarped so much.
there's no reason why you shouldbe hanging out with someone
every day that you just met,like you don't know them.
(28:12):
getting to know someone at anappropriate pace, it doesn't
just only help you, youshouldn't be giving all of your
time and attention to someonethat you just met, that you
don't know.
you should still be prioritizingyour life.
prioritizing your friends andyour family and your schedule,
if this is really your person,why rush the dating process?
why are we in a rush?
(28:34):
hopefully this is the last timewe're gonna go through this, and
so I wanna savor every minute ofit.
when did softness become aperformance and are you chasing
charm?
or are you chasing someone'scharacter?
in the beginning, especially ifsomeone's love bombing you, if
you don't really know them oryou're spending all this time
with them, are you chasing charmor character?
you don't actually know them,you don't know their values
(28:55):
because you need time to see ifsomeone is gonna be consistent.
Like you need time and you can'tdo that with A bunch of dates.
You need to do that over likemonths.
Like just'cause you, went on 10dates this month doesn't mean
you've had enough time to get toknow them.
Like anybody can be cool for amonth.
Anyone can be consistent for amonth.
(29:17):
so that's definitely one of mybiggest lessons.
I think I had been making a lotof mistakes in relationships and
I had had some problematicpatterning for a while, and it
was just this most recentrelationship where these issues,
these problematic patterns,really caught up with me and I
had to learn the lesson thereally hard way.
(29:40):
And, but guess what?
I will never make these mistakesagain, and my eyes are fully
open now and like my wholedating perspective has shifted,
and the types of men I'mattracted to, the types of
behaviors I'm attracted to.
Yeah, so I would invite you guysto reflect on your own
(30:02):
relationship patterns and let meknow if any of this has
resonated with you.
I talked to one of mygirlfriends recently and I was
like, I think I've had it allwrong.
Like the guys that talk soft areactually not the masculine ones,
they're the soft ones.
Like what a concept, A guy thatsays all the right things isn't
the guy that you want.
(30:22):
It's not the guy that you need.
It's the guy that doesn't evermake you question your worth,
and the one who can back upeverything with actions and the
guy who's not trying tomanipulate you.
Or isn't desperate to get you,you know, like if you don't like
him, fine.
like a guy that isn't desperateto make you fall in love with
(30:45):
him.
Like, I get it.
You're amazing, babe.
I'm amazing.
But a guy that's like in hismasculine and grounded and knows
his worth and confident.
He doesn't need me to love him.
if I don't love him, he'll belike, that's cool.
He's secure in himself.
We need a secure man that canhold a stable container for us
(31:05):
because that's gonna allow us tobe soft and to relax into our
feminine, and that's what'sgonna keep the polarity and the
spark in the relationship.
And I hope this was helpful.
this is something that has takenme a long time to figure out and
learn.
I feel like it's only recentlywhere it's like little things
like the way a guy speaks to meand stuff.
It's like wow, okay.
(31:26):
I was actually wrong.
'cause it's easy to see throughthe charm over time when their
words don't mean anythinganymore, Yeah, it's super
charming.
The words are super charminguntil the words mean nothing,
until you don't respect themanymore.
And yeah, it's just noise andit's like annoying at that And
(31:51):
you're just like wow, you'resuch a pussy.
Like you are actually such alooser and such a liar.
Like ew.
But yeah, it's all for the best.
everything that's happened hasalways been for my evolution and
I'm so grateful.
And yeah, I definitely won'tfall for these things again.
And I'm so thankful to all ofthe therapists and the creators
(32:13):
and the people out there that,talk about relationships and
like an appropriate pace.
And it's like all for a reason.
There's a reason behind all ofit.
if a guy is trying to rushthrough the process with you,
ask yourself why?
Like what is their motivation?
Anything a guy says, a guy does,like what's their motivation?
And if he's just being cool andchill and normal and
(32:34):
respectable, he doesn't have amotivation.
Like he's actually probably thegenuine one and he is probably
the one that is gonna be friendswith you for years.
And the one that you probablyshould have dated, honestly.
So hopefully this was helpfuland you guys related to some of
it.
I know me and my girlfriendshave talked about this kind of
(32:54):
stuff and we all kind of werejust like, wow, okay.
Figuring things out.
if you guys like this episode,please share it with your
friends, like, and subscribe.
It really does helped me and Idon't know, dM me some of your
experiences.
I wanna know if any of you havefelt this way or experienced
things similar and I think as acollective, we should stop
(33:18):
friend zoning the guys that wereally should be dating and
marrying, and leave thesecharmers where they belong in
the bin.
Thanks guys.
Bye.
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that Sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hi friends, welcome back toBecoming Sunshine.
So, I had an epiphany recently.
I was wrong about men and whatI'm attracted to.
Or maybe it's just shiftedbecause of recent experiences.
(00:42):
I feel like I used to beattracted to guys that spoke
really softly to me and doted onme.
And for a long time that seemedromantic and my type I have a
guy friend, and I actually wouldjoke to him that, I would never
date him because he spoke toorough to me.
he would just be too bluntsometimes.
(01:03):
he wouldn't sugarcoat stuff.
He would be very real.
And you know how they say let'skeep it 100.
I would literally tell him Hey,can we keep it like 80% because
you're hurting my feelings.
You're a little too harsh.
And I was just used to guystalking to me not babying me,
but talking to me a little bitsofter.
And I've come to realize thatthe guys that talk to me really
(01:25):
soft.
Or like baby me, or dote on me,are actually the guys that, you
know, like I would think thatthose are the guys that like
keep me in my feminine energy,you know?
'cause they're like doting on meand like talking to me soft.
No, those are the guys that areactually pulling me outta my
feminine energy and pulling meinto my masculine energy.
(01:45):
Like those guys end up being thebiggest, for lack of a better
word, pussies or they're liars.
All of'em pretty much.
So, I think maybe I had thisbackwards and I think this is
definitely like a phenomenon.
I think the guys that You know,say all the right things, so
they're really smooth talkers.
(02:07):
I think that there's usuallysome insecurities there that
they're masking, there's somemanipulation.
it's smoke and mirrors, youknow?
I think the guys that actuallyare a little bit more blunt and
real are the ones that actuallycan hold the container of the
relationship and bring emotionalsafety and, their actions align
with their words.
the guys that were soft actuallydidn't end up being the ones
(02:30):
that protected me and kept mesoft.
what a concept.
We can't both be soft, crazy.
maybe this is just somethingthat everyone knows, but I just
realized it, so there has to beother women that don't realize
it, and so I'm here to help you.
Learn from me.
what if the guy that doesn'tsugarcoat things is actually the
one that you want, is actuallythe one that's gonna keep you
(02:50):
soft.
It's actually the one that'sgonna be real with you, actually
the one that's gonna encourageyou and support you.
And it's not just a facade thatis going to come crashing down
as soon as he gets you to likehim and fall for him.
I feel like charm is often anillusion.
I feel like we fall for theearly charm and the emotional
(03:13):
sweetness, and it can feelintoxicating, especially, if
you're looking for an emotionalconnection.
And I definitely had some of thebest connections with guys like
this.
we had an amazing connection.
he seemed very vulnerable withme, very soft.
I was intellectually stimulated.
We had some of the bestconversations, but I think
(03:35):
sometimes guys that are so goodwith their words, They're like
masking something else.
Like whether that's insecurity,it's like a manipulation tactic,
you know, like it's smoke andmirrors.
They don't want you to see thatthey don't actually have the
stuff to back it up.
it's just words, just beautifulpretty words.
And women oftentimes fall inlove with what they hear so I
mean, I get it.
(03:56):
It works obviously, but itdoesn't last.
so I unfortunately will fall forlove bombing because I think I'm
so great and it makes sense tome that a guy would fall in love
with me, and say we're soulmatesand that he's waited his whole
life to meet someone like mebecause I'm one of one, I'm
(04:17):
amazing.
Like obviously babe.
if you take that and youactually do have an amazing
connection with this person,like for example, story time
friends.
So this guy and the red flagswere there.
I think I just Chose to believein the potential and the
connection that we had.
I think I just wanted to beright about him.
(04:38):
But yeah, so this guy, so sweet.
We have the best connection orso I thought, and you know, he
says we're soulmates, that he'swaited his whole life to find
someone like me, which is likevalid.
I'm awesome.
You know, and I actually had anamazing connection with him too.
I had never felt that waybefore, like connected someone,
(04:58):
on that level.
It seemed like we had the samevalues and the same goals, and
maybe we did, you know, but hewas obviously very unhealed.
when I first met him, I didn'trealize how recently single he
was.
And then once I did discover howrecently single he was, I knew
that there was no way he wasready for a relationship.
but you know, I had alreadycaught the feelings and wanted
(05:20):
to see where it went.
And so this guy, he seemed likeso encouraging of me and my
brand, my podcast and of mydreams and wanted to build me
up.
He had a background in somethingthat could be really beneficial
and helpful towards that.
And so I was like, wow, I lovethis.
this person's a dream.
(05:41):
They say all the right things.
They're encouraging me and mydreams, they're wanting to help
me build my empire, you know?
And it all sounded so great,right?
so we fall in love and thisperson basically moves into my
house.
We get matching tattoos, no redflags, right?
so normal.
I probably fell for this personharder than I probably fell for
(06:01):
anyone.
And I think too, I love a goodnarrative.
Like I love a good story thatsounds and feels kismet.
And honestly, this guy remindedme a lot of a guy I had dated
before that I was madly in lovewith.
And he did a lot for me and mylife, and we had a great
connection.
But he was a little bit olderand we weren't on the same page
(06:23):
we didn't necessarily want thesame things.
And this guy was closer to myage.
And so I was like oh my gosh.
I found the same dynamic and thesame energy in this person that
was more my age and we wantedmore of the same things.
And so I kind of was married tothat narrative in my head, which
is not fair to put onto thisperson and this situation.
(06:45):
thats a lot of pressure to puton a new relationship, and I
think a lot of times we fall inlove with a story or an idea of
someone and then, even ifthere's red flags or things that
prove otherwise we wanna ignorethat because believe what we
wanna believe.
and it's okay.
It's like a lesson learned.
Yeah very quickly I'm like withthis guy, you know, head over
(07:07):
heels, basically livingtogether, get matching tattoos,
talking about like meshing ourlives together and there
definitely was red flags.
There was like old resentments.
With his ex that he hadn'thealed.
He obviously wasn't ready for anew relationship, very insecure.
And in the beginning when heseemed like he was so excited
about building me up and liftingme up, it became clear very
(07:30):
quickly that he actually wasn'tcomfortable with that at all.
he didn't wanna watch me shineand he didn't wanna lift me up
because he was so scared that ifhe did.
That I wouldn't need him anymoreand that I wouldn't want him.
he literally would be like well,aren't you okay with just
staying at home and being mywife and like, I don't wanna
share you with the world and allthese things.
(07:51):
So it's like he really didn'twanna lift me up and build my
brand and he even was like, wellif I blow up your brand, what if
you leave me for someone else'cause you don't need me
anymore.
And it's just like, I wouldnever do that'cause I love you.
But there was nothing that Icould say.
Like, that's obviously betweenhim and God, like that's his
insecurities.
And so yeah, he startedpunishing me for my ambitions
(08:14):
and when I wasn't willing tojust give up my life for him,
and allow myself to becontrolled by him, he punished
me and he moved on to the nexttwo girls and did the same
thing.
Got matching tattoos with them,moved in with them after like a
month.
this person obviously is nothealed.
They're not a bad person, and Idon't think our connection was
(08:37):
not real, but I definitely thinkthat in the beginning a lot of
the softness and a lot of thesweetness and the charm was to
get me to feel a certain waybecause it wasn't so much like
he loved me.
I'm sure he does in his own way,but it was like he needed to be
(08:59):
loved.
Like he had been rejected, hehad been hurt in his previous
relationship and he was sodesperate to get someone else to
love him and fall for him Tobuild up his ego.
Like I feel like he needed mylight to fuel him.
Like it was like an energyvampire situation.
And I think guys that are moregrounded and they don't need to
(09:20):
charm you, they're not trying toget you to fall for them, trying
to get you to like them.
Like that energy is a lot morestable and grounded and genuine.
these behaviors and this charm.
It honestly oftentimes masks,insecurity, codependency, and
(09:43):
definitely lacks any type oflong-term stability.
this guy needed someone that hecould control and that he could
be codependent with.
And when I was not willing to dothat, he immediately replaced me
with another person.
when that didn't work out, hefound another person.
even after he would try toreplace me, he would try to come
(10:04):
back and I still was not willingto give up who I am and my life.
then he had to find someone elseand eventually he had to move
out of the state.
Anyways, I feel like women oftenfall for words over actions and
how the kind sweet words and thesweet gestures in the beginning
(10:30):
are not always a reflection oftrue masculine energy.
I like a guy that is doting onme and wants to do cute, sweet
things for me and is veryaccommodating But I feel like a
guy, I'm not saying I don'twanna guy that's not gonna try
obviously, but like a guy that'smore real and sometimes maybe it
feels like a little bit moreboring.
(10:53):
I feel like real masculinityfeels different.
I feel like the sweet energy inthe beginning often turns sour.
'cause it's not authentic.
Like we fall for it.
'cause it's just like sointoxicating and it feels so
good, you know?
But The sweet often turns sourvery quickly because it's not
rooted in authenticity.
(11:14):
And like I said, it's usuallymasking something.
It's usually some sort ofmanipulation tactic.
And you know, the guy that seemslike more grounded and stable,
like yeah, maybe it seems moreboring at first, but that's
actually the guy that's gonnakeep you in your feminine energy
and the one that's gonna bestable and consistent.
(11:35):
I feel like men who often seememotionally available at first,
they can flip into like reallyavoidant, really immature,
overly needy partners.
That was definitely the casewith this dynamic that I had.
it ends up causing women toover-function and you feel like
you need to like mother him.
(11:58):
Or you know, micromanage hisemotions and become the leader
in the relationship, and that'sgonna kill any polarity in the
relationship.
that's like where attractioncomes from the polarity.
in the beginning, he seemsdoting on you and so sweet and
then he flips the switch andyou're trying to micromanage his
emotions and mother him That'sgonna kill all the attraction in
(12:19):
the relationship.
You're gonna end up resentinghim and he's gonna end up
pulling away from you.
This dynamic is so toxic and itpulls you outta your feminine
energy then you're the one inyour masculine energy because
you're trying to control thevariables in the relationship.
That's just like if you care, ifyou actually care about the guy,
if you're just like using him orwhatever, you don't care enough,
and then I guess therelationship can still work.
(12:39):
But yeah, if you fall for thisguy, you care about him, you end
up trying to coddle him orwhatever, and you end up
resenting it.
It's like, why do I feel like Ineed to mother this man?
You know?
Like that kills the attractionon both sides.
That kills the polarity.
it's pulls you into yourmasculine.
He's in his feminine and that'snot like a comfortable place for
either of you.
it's not gonna work.
When you're always planning,fixing, trying to hold the
(13:01):
energy together, walking oneggshells.
it's not a comfortable place tobe.
It's not where women thrivenaturally.
Men naturally, don't wanna be inthat position either.
they wanna be the onesfurthering and pursuing the
relationship.
Yeah, trying to make arelationship work with an
insecure man you're never gonnawin that.
It's never gonna be somethingthat you win ever.
'cause you're never gonna beable to like, prove yourself to
(13:23):
this man.
he needs to heal himself and youdon't need to be raising someone
else's son and mothering someoneelse's son.
real masculine energy isdifferent.
Groundedness, emotionalregulation, action over
promises, and integrity andconsistency.
Those are like real masculinetraits.
And you know, they can seem kindof like boring at first.
(13:44):
But it's like those are thethings that actually stand the
test of time that actually aregonna make you feel safe and
secure.
for example, my guy friend, andI've already apologized to him.
I feel bad that I've rejectedhim in the past, but we've been
friends for like two years and Iknow I can go to him at any time
for advice or like anything.
(14:07):
He's always encouraged me.
He's always encouraged mycareer.
He is always encouraged me topush myself, to work harder, to
lock in to, focus on myself, notbe distracted.
He's always tried to help mekeep a good head on my shoulders
and stay grounded and not bepulled outta my emotions.
always is there for me when Iwanna talk about other guys and
(14:29):
get advice on guys and liketheir perspective, and I still
respect this man and Iappreciate him and he is always
there for me.
he's been consistent this entiretime and it's like that's what
we actually need.
That's the masculine energy weactually need in our lives.
Not this over the top fake shit.
In the beginning that seemedsuper sweet and then they end up
(14:50):
being liars and manipulators andquite frankly, pussies.
Like I am the more masculine onein the relationship.
Yeah, like this guy, he didn'tlike woo me at first.
He was never trying to reallyimpress me.
he was never like overly soft ordonating on me.
He's always kept it real, andHe's always been able to hold
space for me in a safe andstable way and it's been
(15:13):
consistent for two years.
and I still respect him and lookup to him and admire him.
And it's like these guys thatstart so charming and sweet in
the beginning.
I don't respect them a yearlater, two years later, most of
the time I don't respect'em sixmonths later because their
actions don't align with theirwords and they can't back up
anything that they say.
And they act like they wanna beso encouraging and supportive
(15:35):
And then pretty quickly theirinsecurities starts to come
through and they start punishingyou for everything and they're
so codependent and you becomethis like masculine version of
yourself And I feel like you endup resenting them.
And for me, I feel like I'llstay in something or I'll stay
entertaining something like upuntil the point where I can't
(15:58):
stand them anymore.
I don't know why I'm like this,or why I have been like this,
excuse me, been like this in thepast.
It's like, why do I have to stayin something and entertain
something to the point wherelike, I can't stand to be around
you anymore.
And that's when it's finallyover.
men don't do that.
Men don't do that.
They like mentally check outpretty much immediately.
(16:20):
And then maybe they stay insomething.
'cause you know, it's easier tolike have something then to not
have something.
But women stay until they likeactually hate the person, which
is like so silly.
why do we do that?
I feel like when men areactually not trying to like woo
you and impress you and do themost, they're just like being
(16:45):
real with you.
those are the ones that actuallyallow women to soften and
receive and relax and stay intheir feminine energy Because
it's real.
It's actually real, like what aconcept.
I feel like that's oftentimeswhy we miss the real ones, like
why real masculine energy canfeel boring or unfamiliar at
first.
(17:05):
And I feel like oftentimes thisis'cause of patterning, like the
way we grow up and Earlychildhood dynamics and we're
just used to the emotional chaosor charm based validation.
And it's something that we haveto recognize and reprogram in
ourselves.
And we mistake groundedness fora lack of passion or edge and it
(17:29):
is just like, no, Chaos andpassion are not the same thing.
it shouldn't feel like arollercoaster, your nervous
system should feel grounded andregulated and safe.
It shouldn't be the crazy up anddown.
The ups and downs are addictiveand it's like an emotional
rollercoaster and it creates allthis dopamine in your brain, it
(17:51):
gets you attached to them, butit's not healthy, it's not
stable, it's not what you want.
that's not you being in yourfeminine energy, that's you
being in fight or flight and youbeing in your masculine energy.
And it's like the world is hardenough for women.
we have to do so much on ourown.
when we're in a relationship, itshould be like we're able to be
soft and it doesn't necessarilymean that the guy's gonna be
(18:12):
soft.
I'm not saying a guy should berough and talk to you like he
talks to his guys, but I think Ihad it a little bit backwards.
so this is why I'm setting a newstandard for myself and I feel
like I'm recognizing What truemasculinity is, or like the new
masculine energy that I want andI'm attracted to.
(18:33):
And it's this shift inperspective and what I'm drawn
to now and why, and it's like aguy that's Honestly probably the
guys that have always friendzoned in the past.
the guys that I can talk to justlike normal and regular and are
just cool.
I feel like I usually havefriend zone those guys in the
past and they're the ones thatare always there for me, are
always real.
(18:54):
Like my homeboys, like alwaysthere for me, always real.
I like made these little reelswhere I'm like joking about like
calling them and I'm like, oh myGod.
They don't pick up in the firstring.
And it's like I depend on themso much and it's like,'cause
they're so real with me andthey're dependable and they're
reliable and that's realmasculine energy that we should
be not friends zoning.
(19:15):
those are the guys we shouldactually be dating.
And these charmers, these smoothtalkers that are quite frankly,
full of shit and actually pullus out of our feminine and
dysregulate our nervous systems,and I feel like, again, you have
to look at What's emotionallyfamiliar versus what's
emotionally safe.
And I feel like, oftentimesgirls, they'll date the same
(19:35):
types of guys over and overagain.
They're dressed like in adifferent skin suit.
And it's like, yeah,'cause it'semotionally familiar, you know,
but it's like, what'semotionally familiar versus
what's emotionally safe?
what should we be choosing now?
I don't wanna continue the samepatterns and dating the same
types of guys over and overagain at this old age.
Like i'm over it.
You know, I've had eight monthsof being single and not just
(19:58):
being single, like being reallysingle.
Like I've been celibate.
I haven't really gone on anydates.
I haven't really entertainedanyone, I haven't been texting
anyone.
think of a time where you tooklike a sabbatical of six months
or more where you really weresingle.
Like you really weren't talkingto anyone.
I feel like oftentimes as women.
We'll always have like someoneon the side, you know,'cause we
(20:20):
like want that attention or thatvalidation and it's like when
you don't need that anymore,like at all.
you really have this opportunityto heal yourself and heal your
patterning and recognize stuffand you're just like, wow, okay.
actually at first yeah, it wasreally hard, but now it's like I
don't wanna entertain anyone orbe with anyone intimately.
(20:42):
And so it's someone thatactually deserves me and that's
actually aligned and thatactually can hold up what they
say.
And I know in the past, I feellike I've tried like I don't
rush into things.
Like with my ex, he pursued mefor two months before we were
boyfriend and girlfriend, beforewe were intimate, you know, I
really thought I had vetted him.
But yeah, there were red flagsand I ignored them.
(21:05):
And you know, it's stuff likethat, like I wouldn't do that
now.
So it's like every relationshipwe learn from and take something
from, and it's Always just likea lesson learned and it's never
a loss.
As long as we do learn somethingand use that to make better
choices in the future, the typesof guys that I will be
(21:25):
entertaining from now on aredefinitely gonna be different
from the types of guys that Iwas into before.
And honestly, I think the thingsthat I thought were like
charming or attractive before Ithink are gonna gimme the ick
now.
'cause I'm just like, this isn'treal.
This isn't like rooted inauthenticity.
This isn't genuine When I see aguy being overly doting and like
generous or like whatever, lovebombing.
(21:47):
It's just like, it should giveyou the, it's like, okay what
are you trying to mask?
Like what are you trying tohide?
you want me to be over herelooking at this when really you
know, something else is goingon.
what's really going on here?
let's just be real because whyare they acting like that?
Do you have to act like thatwhen you are dating a guy?
Do you have to be over the topor anything?
imagine if you as a woman werelike that.
(22:08):
that's so icky.
That's so gross.
obviously, you know, if you'rebeing overtly some type of way,
it's usually because, there'ssomething else going on.
when I'm on dates, I'm so chill,I'm cool with a cucumber, I
don't really care to impressthese guys.
I don't care if you like me ornot.
I don't have anything to prove.
I don't even know if I like youyet.
(22:29):
I'm not saying guys should bethat way because they're the
ones that are pursuing us.
But if they're trying so hardand so desperate for you to fall
in love with them, why don't youask yourself why?
Like, why is that?
I mean, yeah, maybe it's becauseI'm so amazing and you want me
to love you, but if they'rereally your person and this is
the person you're meant to bewith, There's no point in
(22:50):
rushing the process.
And it's like, if this really isyour person and this is the last
time you're gonna go through thedating process, like why would
be rush it Wouldn't we wannalike savor this time, and we can
like tell our kids about it orwe can just reflect on it when,
you know, we've been married for20 years, not like oh my God, we
rushed through the whole datingprocess and we ended up being
(23:12):
married.
I don't think that's how itworks.
I don't think that's supposed tobe how it works.
So it's like, if you think aboutit and you really do love this
person, this really like is theperson you're meant to be with
and you really believe that.
Why would the pace need to berushed?
that doesn't make sense.
I heard something that Idefinitely think is so smart and
(23:34):
honestly a great frame ofreference because I think in
dating today, people do rush theprocess, and I think it creates
this attachment when you don'teven know this person yet.
Like you'll think you're in lovewith someone before you even
know them.
anyone can pretend to beanything for a month, two
months, three months, like youdon't know that person.
(23:55):
Why are you moving in withsomeone after a month?
Why are you saying I love youafter a month, two months?
Three months.
That's crazy.
You don't know them.
You don't know anything aboutthem.
They could be anyone.
They could be pretending to beanyone.
Who they have been the pastthree months is not a reflection
of who they are, especially ifthey're love bombing you.
It doesn't make sense.
(24:15):
Do you need me to like you somuch?
You know, and I feel like thisis something that guys do as a
tactic.
Like they try to rush the paceby, trying to see you as much as
possible in the beginning andrush the process to either sleep
with you or get you to date themor move in with them, whatever.
And it's just like, if you'rereally my person, like why do we
need to rush this?
this therapist or likerelationship expert he was
(24:36):
talking about an appropriatedating pace and he's like the
first month of dating, youshouldn't have more than four to
five dates in the first month.
And it sounds so crazy because Ifeel like we're so accessible
and when you start datingsomeone, you like them, you see
them all the time.
it's not uncommon for a guy towanna see me like every other
(25:00):
day, every few days orsomething.
I am not saying that I give themthat time, but like, they're
hitting me up to hang out againonce I go out with them or
whatever, and they're like okay,when are we going out again?
And I get it like, you'reexcited, but it's like one
scarcity creates value.
Like why are you so availablefor this man?
And two, why is this man soavailable for me?
I'm amazing, but I want my manto be busy.
(25:22):
I want him to have stuff goingon.
You know, yeah, I want him to bepursuing me.
But it's like if you're hangingout with this guy, like three
times a week.
the first month of dating,you're gonna form this
attachment to this person beforeyou actually get to know them
and know who they are.
another mistake I used to makeis, I would talk to a guy, like
(25:44):
we'd be texting or talking onthe phone for a couple weeks
before our first date because Iwasn't sure if I wanted to go
out with him or not.
And it's just like, why would Italk to this man for two weeks
before I know if I even wanna goon a date with him?
That doesn't even make sense.
And I feel like before I used tothink oh like I don't know if I
wanna give him An hour of mytime, which just sounds so
(26:06):
crazy.
It's like, I'm so busy.
I don't know if I wanna give hima dinner or a few hours of my
evening.
but I'm gonna talk to him allthe time.
I don't need to be talking toanyone all day long and texting
someone all day long andbuilding them up in your mind
before you've actually gone on adate and spent time with them in
real life.
the dating process doesn't startuntil the first date until you
hang out in person.
(26:26):
And so all the talking and stuffand getting to know them before
you're just building up thisfictitious version of them in
your mind and like falling forthis version of them that
doesn't exist.
Like it's so insane.
I feel like this is definitelyan issue that I made, a mistake
that I've made in the past andit's a common thing.
The fact that this guy istalking about it.
(26:47):
I feel like especially withonline dating and stuff, for
example, I met this guy offInstagram and people meet guys
off apps and so I get it youwant to vet them and talk to'em
a little bit before meeting themin person.
But it's just like if you don'tfeel comfortable to go on a date
with them, you shouldn't betalking to them.
Like, why would I text you fortwo weeks before I even wanna go
on a date with you?
just go to dinner.
(27:07):
Just give the person an hour ofyour time, get coffee.
If you don't wanna go to dinner,don't get coffee.
But like, you know what I mean,get a drink, get like apps or
something.
And then decide, you know, ifyou wanna give them a chance or
not, don't talk to them for likeweeks on end and come up with
this like version of them.
And also in that time they'relearning you and they're
learning how to like talk to youand how to manipulate you.
(27:29):
And don't give them thatammunition.
don't give them that.
Show up, get to know them inperson and let them figure it
out on their own.
you'll find out if this issomeone you wanna be around.
don't give them weeks of gettingto know you and the playbook on
winning your heart beforemeeting them.
(27:49):
That's crazy.
that's like asking them to playyou it's like here's the
playbook on how to play me, howto get me to fall in love with
you.
Here you go.
why are we doing that?
That's so silly.
I don't know.
I feel like dating has just beenwarped so much.
there's no reason why you shouldbe hanging out with someone
every day that you just met,like you don't know them.
(28:12):
getting to know someone at anappropriate pace, it doesn't
just only help you, youshouldn't be giving all of your
time and attention to someonethat you just met, that you
don't know.
you should still be prioritizingyour life.
prioritizing your friends andyour family and your schedule,
if this is really your person,why rush the dating process?
why are we in a rush?
(28:34):
hopefully this is the last timewe're gonna go through this, and
so I wanna savor every minute ofit.
when did softness become aperformance and are you chasing
charm?
or are you chasing someone'scharacter?
in the beginning, especially ifsomeone's love bombing you, if
you don't really know them oryou're spending all this time
with them, are you chasing charmor character?
you don't actually know them,you don't know their values
(28:55):
because you need time to see ifsomeone is gonna be consistent.
Like you need time and you can'tdo that with A bunch of dates.
You need to do that over likemonths.
Like just'cause you, went on 10dates this month doesn't mean
you've had enough time to get toknow them.
Like anybody can be cool for amonth.
Anyone can be consistent for amonth.
(29:17):
so that's definitely one of mybiggest lessons.
I think I had been making a lotof mistakes in relationships and
I had had some problematicpatterning for a while, and it
was just this most recentrelationship where these issues,
these problematic patterns,really caught up with me and I
had to learn the lesson thereally hard way.
(29:40):
And, but guess what?
I will never make these mistakesagain, and my eyes are fully
open now and like my wholedating perspective has shifted,
and the types of men I'mattracted to, the types of
behaviors I'm attracted to.
Yeah, so I would invite you guysto reflect on your own
(30:02):
relationship patterns and let meknow if any of this has
resonated with you.
I talked to one of mygirlfriends recently and I was
like, I think I've had it allwrong.
Like the guys that talk soft areactually not the masculine ones,
they're the soft ones.
Like what a concept, A guy thatsays all the right things isn't
the guy that you want.
(30:22):
It's not the guy that you need.
It's the guy that doesn't evermake you question your worth,
and the one who can back upeverything with actions and the
guy who's not trying tomanipulate you.
Or isn't desperate to get you,you know, like if you don't like
him, fine.
like a guy that isn't desperateto make you fall in love with
(30:45):
him.
Like, I get it.
You're amazing, babe.
I'm amazing.
But a guy that's like in hismasculine and grounded and knows
his worth and confident.
He doesn't need me to love him.
if I don't love him, he'll belike, that's cool.
He's secure in himself.
We need a secure man that canhold a stable container for us
(31:05):
because that's gonna allow us tobe soft and to relax into our
feminine, and that's what'sgonna keep the polarity and the
spark in the relationship.
And I hope this was helpful.
this is something that has takenme a long time to figure out and
learn.
I feel like it's only recentlywhere it's like little things
like the way a guy speaks to meand stuff.
It's like wow, okay.
(31:26):
I was actually wrong.
'cause it's easy to see throughthe charm over time when their
words don't mean anythinganymore, Yeah, it's super
charming.
The words are super charminguntil the words mean nothing,
until you don't respect themanymore.
And yeah, it's just noise andit's like annoying at that And
(31:51):
you're just like wow, you'resuch a pussy.
Like you are actually such alooser and such a liar.
Like ew.
But yeah, it's all for the best.
everything that's happened hasalways been for my evolution and
I'm so grateful.
And yeah, I definitely won'tfall for these things again.
And I'm so thankful to all ofthe therapists and the creators
(32:13):
and the people out there that,talk about relationships and
like an appropriate pace.
And it's like all for a reason.
There's a reason behind all ofit.
if a guy is trying to rushthrough the process with you,
ask yourself why?
Like what is their motivation?
Anything a guy says, a guy does,like what's their motivation?
And if he's just being cool andchill and normal and
(32:34):
respectable, he doesn't have amotivation.
Like he's actually probably thegenuine one and he is probably
the one that is gonna be friendswith you for years.
And the one that you probablyshould have dated, honestly.
So hopefully this was helpfuland you guys related to some of
it.
I know me and my girlfriendshave talked about this kind of
(32:54):
stuff and we all kind of werejust like, wow, okay.
Figuring things out.
if you guys like this episode,please share it with your
friends, like, and subscribe.
It really does helped me and Idon't know, dM me some of your
experiences.
I wanna know if any of you havefelt this way or experienced
things similar and I think as acollective, we should stop
(33:18):
friend zoning the guys that wereally should be dating and
marrying, and leave thesecharmers where they belong in
the bin.
Thanks guys.
Bye.
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