May 22, 2025 • 34 mins
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A Lesson in Respect: How to Spot Red Flags on a Date
In this episode of 'Becoming Sunshine,' the host shares a recent dating experience that taught her crucial lessons in setting boundaries and recognizing red flags. Initially tricked into going on a date by a man who lacked confidence to ask directly, she recounts the various red flags that surfaced, including disrespect for her time, unwanted physical contact, and overly clingy behavior. The story serves as a cautionary tale for both women and men, highlighting the importance of respecting boundaries and the need for women to prioritize their safety and comfort. Tune in to hear how this experience, though frustrating, was ultimately valuable for personal growth and content creation.
00:00 Introduction to Becoming Sunshine
00:30 A Different Kind of Episode
01:14 The Date Invitation
03:59 Red Flags on the First Date
04:46 Uncomfortable Dinner Experience
11:07 Reflecting on the Date
16:01 The Next Day's Plans
18:07 The Awkward Date Begins
18:34 Red Flags and Predatory Behavior
20:46 Uncomfortable Concert Experience
25:31 Lessons Learned and Reflections
30:21 Final Thoughts and Advice
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Welcome to Becoming Sunshine—the podcast where real talk meets self-evolution. This isn’t about being your highest self 24/7 or pretending healing is always pretty. It’s about learning through lived experience—friendships, heartbreaks, glow-ups, setbacks, boundaries, and everything in between.
Each week, I share unfiltered stories, honest lessons, and the moments that cracked me open and helped me grow. We’ll talk love, self-worth, emotional intelligence, leveling up
Follow the show on Instagram @becomingsunshinepodcast
Follow the host on Instagram @its_madelinegrace
Thanks so much
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Madeline (00:00):
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that Sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hi friends.
Welcome back to BecomingSunshine.
Today's episode is a little bitdifferent.
It's like a story time andhonestly I think that women can
really take something away fromthis as well as men, honestly.
(00:42):
So I think like everyone canlearn from this recent
experience of mine.
So here we go.
it was actually my mom thatlike, gave me the idea to make
this into an episode.
'cause at first I was reallyupset about what happened and I
was just like upset that I like,gave my time and my energy to
something.
And she just helped me reframeit.
(01:05):
And she was like, it wasn't awaste.
Think of the content you gotfrom this and like the lesson
and you can really help likeother women as well as men.
Here we go.
So I recently accepted a date,which I actually didn't even
mean to, I was like tricked intogoing on a date, which is
something that guys do.
I've learned.
(01:25):
And I think it's when guys arelike not confident enough to
actually be direct and ask you,which should be a lesson to the
men out there.
If you don't feel confidentenough to ask directly for a
girl to go out with you, youprobably shouldn't be asking
because like, why would I go outwith you if you're not even
confident enough to ask?
That's wild.
(01:46):
Do you think you're a man that Iwould date if you're not even
like the level of confidence youwould ask me?
That's so crazy and weird.
yeah, if you feel like I wouldsay no.
If you ask me directly, then youprobably shouldn't ask.
But anyways, so this guy, andmaybe I should just stop
answering my dms.
I really don't ever, but yeah, Ijust yeah, I don't know.
(02:11):
So this guy dmd me, we had abunch of mutual friends and I
knew people that knew him, so itwasn't like that outta the blue
and that weird, and he likeinvited me to this concert and
it was a show I really wanted togo to.
So I was like, oh, like thiscould be fun.
Honestly, I am not really tryingto date anyone right now, but if
(02:31):
a guy wants to take me on anexperience that, I think would
be fun.
Like, why not?
Like why not give him a chance?
Let's just, let's see.
And so this guy invited me tothis show that I really wanted
to go to, and he had gone to ashow with some of my friends
like a few weeks prior.
(02:52):
And so I thought it would belike a big group and he was just
extending the invitation.
That's initially what I hadthought when I responded to the
dm.
And so I was like, oh yeah, likethat sounds so fun.
Let's do it.
Let's go.
And he was like, okay, cool.
Let's, do dinner the nightbefore.
And I was just, was like okay,yeah.
Like we can do that if it's likeearly enough, I'm not trying to
(03:13):
give this guy my whole Fridayand Saturday, but yeah, we can
go to dinner.
Like I should probably get toknow you before we go to the
show together.
Again, I thought it was like ina big group, but I thought maybe
it was like, I don't know, hissection or something.
I don't know.
And so I was like okay yeah, aslong as it's early, we can go to
dinner on Friday.
(03:34):
And so he's okay, like what doyou like to eat?
What's your favorite food?
And I'm just like oh like I lovesushi, but we can do whatever.
And so he is okay, like where isyour favorite?
Where's your favoriterestaurant?
Like blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, oh, like I likethis place, but like we can
really go wherever.
And he was like okay, cool.
Like dinner's at this time, atthis place.
(03:56):
And I was like oh, cool.
Like it's really hard to get alast minute reservation at this
place.
Like you must have the hookup,so like red flag number one, not
confident enough to actually askme.
Directly on a date.
Yeah.
'cause then like later I hadasked him like, about the vibes
for the show and I was like, ohwho's going?
(04:16):
Is it gonna be like a big group?
And he was like oh no, it's justus.
Is that okay?
And it's I guess it has to benow like.
Okay, so now I've committed totwo dates with this person, like
unknowingly okay, love that forme, and maybe this is just me
being naive, but I just alsothink he is like intentionally
trying to mislead me.
I don't think that's like anaccident.
So yeah.
(04:37):
Red flag number one is that hewas like, tricking me into a
date to go to the show with him.
And then on Friday we're likewalking in the door to the
restaurant at dinner and and itwas like an earlier, at an
earlier time, it was like seven30 or something.
'cause like again, I told himlike, I have to be somewhere
(04:59):
later, like I planned later.
And he's like oh, by the way ourreservation's not till nine, but
I'm sure we can get a spot.
Like, what you're telling methis as we're walking in the
door.
You don't respect my time.
Like I literally told you that Ihad somewhere to be later and
it's just you have no problemmonopolizing my whole evening.
(05:20):
And I feel like I was raised tobe polite and a good girl.
I think that's like agenerational thing and it's just
this man isn't respecting mytime or my boundaries, so why do
I need to be a polite nice girlto him.
But I try to be cool, i'm likeokay, that's fine.
Not really, but I guess, we'realready here.
(05:40):
And I was like, okay, maybe.
Yeah, I'm a chill girl, I'm achill girl.
Like maybe we can get a spot.
And so we're like sitting at thebar or whatever, like getting
drinks while we're waiting for atable or like a spot at the bar
to open up and where we weresitting at the bar, it was not
full service.
There was like a full servicesection of the bar that they
sit, but we were not sittingthere.
(06:00):
There was like one chair and soI was sitting at the chair and
he's like standing, likehovering over me.
Which like, I understand therestrictive area, but it's like,
this is our first time meetingand you're like super close to
me and touching me and stuff.
And I get we're in closecorners, but I don't feel like
(06:21):
there's any reason for you to betouching me when I barely know
you and it's the first date.
So I was already uncomfortable.
And like we're sitting theregetting a drink.
And I feel like he's not reallywatching the bar to see if spots
are opening up.
And I swear there was a pointwhere there was definitely like
(06:41):
spots and like eventually I feellike it was like an hour and a
half had gone by.
'cause we were on our seconddrink and I was just like, Hey
Do you see spots opening up?
Does the host stand know thatlike we're waiting to sit at the
bar, like we're waiting to sitsomewhere.
And he was just like oh okay,let me check.
And it just was like honestly, Ifeel like I should have been
(07:02):
like listen I have to go, when Iam giving you a first date, I
don't owe you my whole evening.
Like I owe you maybe an hour anda half, two hours.
If it's not going well, like Idon't need to give you my whole
night, nor should you expectthat as a man.
And so it already had been likean hour and a half.
we're not really eatinganything, you're not respecting
(07:25):
that I had stuff I had to dolater.
I had plans later.
I had other obligations.
Like honestly, I should haveleft.
But the nice girl in me was justlike, okay, let's just wait this
out, and mind you, while we'resitting, standing at the bar,
he's like touching me, rubbingmy back, like touching my legs
and I'm just like, not cool.
(07:46):
Please don't touch me.
And I should have nipped it inthe bud right there and said
something.
I'm trying to be like a coolgirl, trying to be chill.
I get it.
Like he's trying to like beclose to me so we can talk.
'cause we're like at thiscrowded bar.
And also too, when I'm on afirst date, like I'm not trying
to have really more than twodrinks.
(08:06):
Like maybe if it's going reallywell, but it's like now we
haven't even had dinner yet andI've already on my second drink.
I don't like this.
it almost feels calculated orpredatory, like you're trying to
get me drunk or something.
I don't know.
So finally we get sat at thebar.
And again, we're sitting side byside at the bar, so he's like
(08:29):
very close to me.
His chair is very close to me,probably by design.
Like our chairs don't need to bethat close to each other.
You don't need to be liketouching my leg.
If we were sitting at a table onthe first date, we would be
sitting across from each other.
We'd have ample.
Space, and it's just you're notmy boyfriend.
We haven't been dating for awhile.
There's no reason why you needto be touching me.
There's no reason so I'muncomfortable, and we're getting
(08:52):
food or whatever.
He like orders bottles sake, andI get like another drink or
whatever.
So now I'm like on my thirddrink and we're having sake and
it's getting later.
And, like we had an okay time atdinner.
We had okay conversations.
There were some things that werelike a little bit problematic.
I liked that he took an interestin things that are important to
(09:13):
me.
Like he was asking me questions,trying to get to know me, but he
was giving me like unsolicitedadvice, like on my podcast, on
my brand.
And I had to like finally nip itin the bud and I was like
listen, I already know what Ineed to do.
I need to be consistent with it.
everything goes back to me beingconsistent and like what I need
(09:33):
to be doing is like spending mytime there, not here with you on
this date.
So maybe you should stop givingme advice Yeah, I hate when guys
give me unsolicited advice orthey try to mansplain,
especially on the first date,like love that you took an
interest in something that I'mpassionate about, babe.
But stay in your lane.
Yeah, so didn't love that.
(09:53):
Didn't love all the touchingplease don't touch me.
Your chair doesn't need to be asclose to me.
It's just like a boundariesthing.
Like it just felt like he didn'trespect my time or my
boundaries.
And honestly I think that Iwould've been justified to get
up from the dinner and excusemyself and leave.
I don't think it has to be likethat bad.
Like you have to be like indanger.
(10:14):
Like a guy has to cross the linethat bad.
I think if they're beingdisrespectful, I don't owe you
my evening.
I don't owe you anything.
Yeah, you invited me here todinner.
That was very kind of you likeyeah, you invited me to the show
the next day.
But it's just if you're notrespecting me or my boundaries.
I think I'm justified inexcusing myself, and I think
women need more licensing forthat and I'm encouraging you to
(10:38):
do that if you're everuncomfortable on a date and not
worry about being polite or agood girl because like nice for
what?
He wasn't being nice.
Yeah, he was being nice, butlike being like overly
affectionate and disrespectfulthat's not nice.
Why do I owe him anything?
(10:58):
I don't yeah, so it starts toget later, right?
And I'm like, maybe he's justnervous.
I'm trying to like, give him achance.
A lot of these like things thatI'm saying now, it's took me a
minute to reflect on like in themoment.
I didn't really have all theseideas.
I like intuitively felt like ununcomfy and icky, but it took me
(11:23):
like a day or two to put allthese pieces together and that's
why I'm, talking about it nowand reflecting on it now.
Honestly, before the date, thenight before, like I worked
really late and I was reallytired.
So tired.
I was like nauseous, like Ididn't even really wanna go.
But I was just like I told thisguy, I would go with him.
I'll just go we'll have a goodtime.
And so I was like delusionaltired before, so I wasn't like
(11:45):
at my best.
So it was probably why I didn'tpick up on these things right
away, or take them as.
Seriously as I should haverecognized the red flags as much
as I should have.
Anyways, so it's like gettinglater and like obviously my
plans for the evening were notfeeling like they were gonna
(12:06):
happen and so he was like oh, doyou wanna get another drink?
And I'm like, yeah sure,whatever.
That's fine.
And the place we were going waslike literally right by my
house.
Like I literally could havewalked home.
Not that I would, I was justlike yeah sure it's like
literally on the way home we'llgive him more drink, talk about
the logistics for tomorrow forthe show.
Whatever.
(12:26):
And so we're like at the nextplace getting a drink and I
don't even know how this cameup.
I think, like I briefly lookedover his social media before
just to see what he was aboutand gauge what he was about and
stuff.
And I think I like thought hehad been married before and
(12:46):
maybe had some like kids.
'cause he was like older.
And I've dated older guys beforeand honestly one of the best
relationships I ever had waswith a guy that was a little bit
older than me.
I think sometimes that helpswith the polarity in
relationships and I just respectthem more.
I feel like I can learn morefrom them.
I look up to them more.
And so it wasn't weird that hewas older than me, I thought
(13:07):
like maybe that was like a goodthing at first.
And then when I discovered thathe had never been married
before, I was just like oh,that's interesting.
And I think that's agenerational thing.
I think millennials are gettingmarried later and I think that's
fine.
I also think, if you're reallyfocused on your career and
stuff, and so I had asked him, Iwas like oh, were you really
(13:28):
focused on your career?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
And he's no, I just like nevermet the right person.
I don't know if this is like aweird double standard, I think
like women maybe like I wouldbelieve, but from a man, like
the whole reason why men work sohard in their careers to get the
girl.
So it's like if you are nevermarried and you're like almost
(13:50):
50, it's I think that's a redflag, especially with the
generation before us.
Gen Xs is very uncommon, I feellike, for men not to get married
when they're younger.
I feel like culturally is justlike a little bit odd.
I feel like again, like todaypeople are getting married later
and it's not as weird.
It's oh like congrats, youavoided your first divorce.
(14:12):
It's like a bad joke, but yeah,I think like the previous
generation people have stayedunhappily married or, and I get
it, maybe he really is like sosmart, and if there hadn't been
all these other like red flags,maybe I would've believed that,
he really didn't meet the rightperson.
He really was smart.
He really was like avoiding hisfirst divorce.
But with all these like littlered flags, I just was like i'm
(14:34):
not sure if I believe that's thereason why you were never
married.
So yeah, another red flagladies, if he's like almost 50
and has never been married,never even came close, like odd.
And he also asked me like, hewas like, oh, I wanna have our
first kiss.
Like what?
That's so weird.
(14:55):
I get like consent okay askingme, but I wanna have our first
kiss.
I don't even think that'sasking.
I think that's like why wouldyou think that one, I owe you a
kiss and two that like, I wannakiss you.
Like I don't, those are not thevibes that are happening.
So strange and I feel like as aman, you can tell when a girl
(15:16):
wants to kiss you like, or youjust I feel like you can tell
like you don't really have to,there's like nonverbal cues and
there was none of that going on.
I don't know, it was just verystrange, very odd.
Obviously we called it a night,not long after that and honestly
I was not really feeling likegoing to the show with him the
next day.
(15:36):
But I was like, maybe he wasjust nervous, chalking it up to
that first dates are always likeawkward sometimes.
Not really for me, but I don'tknow, yeah I don't know.
Again, thought maybe it was likea generational thing.
I was very tired, a little bitoff my game.
Like my radar was a little bitoff and like I really did wanna
go to the show tomorrow.
And I was like, oh my gosh.
(15:57):
He was just nervous.
Tomorrow's gonna be so fun.
Like it's fine.
So the next day this guy's likeblowing up my phone early and
he's let's go get coffee.
Let's go for a walk.
And I was just like bro I'mseeing you later today.
I just saw you last night.
Like chill.
You like monopolized my nightlast night?
Like you're not getting my wholeday, right.
(16:17):
and honestly, I was hungover.
It's like we drank more than Iwas planning to I need the
morning to recover and likechill because I'm supposed to
meet this guy in the afternoonto hang out a little bit before
the show.
Like the show I think was likeat 7 30 or something, and
actually didn't end up startinguntil 8 30, but like whatever
we're gonna get there at sevenor something.
(16:37):
And he was like, oh, we shouldgo pre-game before.
And so I was like okay yeah,cool.
Like we can get dinner before,like pre-game a little bit, get
a drink before, that's cool,whatever.
And it's if the show starts atseven, like we should go at
five.
And he wanted to meet up at 3o'clock and I'm just like
there's no reason why we need tohang out four hours before the
(16:57):
show.
I just met you.
I don't need to give you mywhole day.
And the fact that he'd alreadyasked me to hang out earlier in
the day, like it was just toomuch.
Like it was too much.
So clingy, guys, if you are likeasking out someone new and
trying to get someone new pleasedon't do this.
It's unattractive.
It's so clingy, and it's justit's just too much and it's
(17:19):
again, not respectful of mytime, like I have other stuff
going on.
Just because you invited me tosomething doesn't mean I owe you
my entire weekend, like no.
Or even my entire day.
And so I ended up meeting upwith him at four or something.
And originally the plan was liketo go like walk around and do
other stuff.
Maybe like barhop, I don't know,go get dinner somewhere.
(17:42):
And like we get to this likeshopping area where there's like
a lot of stuff to do and we justlike immediately go to this one
bar and this one restaurant thatlike, I thought we were going to
much later and we're just likesitting there at the bar and I'm
like, okay, whatever.
And he's oh, like one of mybuddies is meeting up with us.
I'm like, okay, cool.
Whatever.
That's fine.
(18:02):
And the bartender's asking us ifwe want like menus, if we wanna
like order food.
And he like speaks for us, andhe's oh, I don't think we're
gonna get any food.
Maybe later we'll get likesnacks or something.
And it's what?
Like why are we not eating?
Like I thought the whole pointwas to like get food before the
show.
Like, why are you not trying tofeed me?
It was so strange.
And we're just ordering drinksand I'm just like, I physically
(18:24):
cannot sit here and drink allafternoon before a show and not
eat anything.
one, it felt rude.
Like never have ever been on adate with a guy where he was
like, not trying to feed me.
That's so strange.
And two, it felt predatory.
It felt like he was trying toget me drunk.
Like, why do we need to sit andjust drink all day?
Like especially in the samespot.
Like it's not even fun.
Like we're not even like barhopping, we're not being social.
(18:46):
And it felt like when his friendmet up with us, he was just like
trying to show me off to hisfriend.
Like it was so strange and notfun.
And like finally I like orderedsomething.
'cause I was like, I have to eatsomething.
What is this?
This is so weird.
We're about to leave to meet upwith like my friends and haven't
ate anything and I'm on like mythird drink, like predatory.
(19:07):
And at this point I like don'teven wanna go to the show.
Like how did I get myself intothis?
And we meet up with a couple ofmy friends and my friend can
like already tell, I'm like, notabout it.
And she's he seems so nice.
Like you should give him achance.
He seems like a really nice guy.
And he did.
He seemed like a really niceguy.
He had the nice guy facade down,but there was so many like
(19:29):
disrespectful and like predatorythings that were going on that,
like you couldn't really seeright away.
It was like you to pick up onthem and things I thought about
later and I was like, damn, thatwas really weird.
And like really predatory andlike really not cool and like
really strange.
And so we're like all on our wayto the show.
(19:51):
Unfortunately, like our ticketswere like not next to each
other, so we couldn't reallystay together.
So we were like on our way tothe show, I couldn't bring my
bag in'cause it was too big.
And he was like oh it's okay.
It's cool.
Just leave your bag in my caryou don't need anything.
And I was like okay cool.
That's fine.
At this point he had been likeannoying me, but it was like,
just like annoying.
(20:11):
It wasn't like I was souncomfortable, like I wanted to
get away from this man.
But like the biggest lesson hereis never put yourself in a
situation where you can't leavefreely.
My purse was in this guy's car.
My camera was in his car.
Like everything, like all I hadon me was my phone.
And like I was pretty much stuckwith him like for the rest of
the evening.
Yeah.
(20:32):
I'll never make that mistakeagain.
So we get to the show, we get adrink, me and my friends and
him, and then we have to go toour seats'cause we're not
sitting together unfortunately.
And so the concert starts, itwas super fun and I'm vibing,
and then this guy is likestanding behind me and pushing
his weight into me, like dancinginto me.
(20:54):
And like at first I'm like,okay, don't love this.
Don't love that.
You're like pressing up on me,like dancing on me.
I honestly thought about it inmy head.
I was like, if I was here withone of my guy friends and he was
dancing on me or dancing withme, like I wouldn't be so
bothered.
I was like, why am I sobothered?
And I think it was just like theintent because if it was one of
(21:16):
my guy friends, it would feelharmless.
And this didn't feel harmless.
Like it felt very forceful andlike predatory and again, like
what he did at the restaurant,like he was trying to touch me
Like inappropriately, like itwasn't like reciprocated, wasn't
like welcomed energy.
And where we were in the show,we were like right in the front
(21:36):
and it was like standing only,and I guess that was like the
best tickets for the venue.
But it's like still, I'm likestanding the entire time in
these heed boots that I'mwearing and he's like pressing
into me so much.
I'm like holding him up.
I'm like literally pushing intothe ground, like pressing back,
like holding him up.
And I was, at first I was kindalike, is he like drunk?
Is he like leaning into me?
(21:57):
Is he just like drunk?
And I'm like, why am I holdingup this grown man?
You're literally like hurtingme.
And at first I tried to be likeplayful about it and give him an
out.
Like I would look back andpretend oh my gosh, is someone
pushing you?
Is someone pushing you into me?
Is that why you're pressingyourself into me so much?
Be playful and give them an out.
If there's anything I've learnedwhen it comes to dealing with
(22:18):
men without, like triggeringthem or, I wanna disarm them.
It's like I don't wanna have anissue, but I do wanna call'em on
something.
I'll be playful about it.
And I have to do this twice.
I literally look back and I'mjust like, oh my God.
Is someone like pushing us?
Like, why are you getting, whyare you so close to me?
Like, why are you pushing intome?
Like, why are you like all aboutme?
(22:38):
That's so strange.
Are they pushing us?
And either he like didn't pickup on it or he like didn't care.
It's sir, like I don't want youtouching me.
And then finally I had to justremove him his hands and push
him off of me and be like, oh myGod, get off.
Please don't touch me.
This is my dancing space.
That's your dancing space.
Please stay in your dancingspace.
And again, like even if it wasone of my guy friends and we
(23:00):
were dancing together, like Iwouldn't be upset.
I wouldn't be triggered itwouldn't have bothered me.
Like it would've been fun.
It was just like thisunwelcomed, like predatory
energy that I felt.
And like at that point I was somad, I had so many friends at
the show that I wish I would'vejust excuse myself to the
bathroom and went and dancedwith them and hung out with
(23:22):
them.
And I think it would've beenjustified in that because I feel
like his behavior was so out ofpocket and so inappropriate and
I don't think it was likeunintentional.
Like I think he knew exactlywhat he was doing.
I think he was trying to get medrunk and then I think he was
trying to like cop a feel orpush my boundaries or hoping
that like I wouldn't haveboundaries'cause I was drunk or
(23:42):
something and we're at the showand he could just like press
upon me like not cool.
And it just sucked that my bagwas in this man's car.
Like my id, my bag, my camera,like everything.
And so I had to stay with himand I literally didn't talk to
him the second half of the show,I was so irritated.
Like it sucked'cause this islike an artist I really wanted
(24:04):
to see.
And I wish I would've justbought a ticket and went with my
friends because yeah I wasn'teven really able to enjoy
myself, which was too bad'causeit was like a really good show
and it would've been super funif I was there with the right
person.
And it just goes to show thatit's not where you're at, it's
who you're with.
(24:24):
you can be at the most funexperience and if you're with
the wrong person or someone thatmakes you feel uncomfortable,
you're not gonna enjoy yourselfor have a good time.
And so finally the show ends andwe are leaving and I like, don't
say a word to him.
I'm so mad at him.
I played it off like I was tired'cause I didn't even wanna have
(24:44):
the conversation about it.
I just wanted to get back to thecar so I could get my stuff and
go home and I actually ran intoone of my like best guy friends
after, and I remember he waslike oh my god, Madeline and I
looked at him.
I had sunglasses on so hecouldn't see me.
And I like grabbed his wrist andI wanted to be like, oh my God,
please save me.
And again, remembered that mybag was in this man's car and I
(25:07):
had to leave with him and I wasjust like damn, and I was
talking to my guy friend aboutit later and he's yeah, I could
tell something was wrong and youwanted to stay with me, but I
didn't know you needed help.
And he's next time we need tohave a code word.
And I was like, yeah.
I wasn't like in danger.
But I think the lesson here is Icould have been, like it
could've, the situation wasuncomfortable, but it could've
(25:29):
actually got dangerous.
And it's just a lesson to allwomen, don't ever Put yourself
in a situation you can't get outof.
You need to be able to leavewhen you wanna leave.
Unless a guy's your boyfriend oryou've been dating for a really
long time don't put your stuffin his car.
Don't depend on him.
Don't be reliant on a man likehonestly, ever.
(25:49):
But yeah, especially if this islike a new person, a new
relationship.
the first couple of dates, likeyou don't know them.
they're a stranger, like youhave to be able to protect
yourself if you need to.
I would've left so many times.
And also like recognizing redflags, like the way he was
acting at the restaurant thenight before and the way he was
acting at the restaurant beforethe show.
(26:11):
Like I should have left.
Forget the show.
Go get my own ticket.
Or just don't even go, like Ihad plenty of friends there.
I'm sure I had friends that anextra ticket, like I am sure I
could have figured it out oreven just do something else that
night.
Like I would've had more fundoing something else and not
going, and on the way home, Ididn't really say a word to him,
and he was just like oh do youwanna go out and get a drink?
(26:32):
And I just was like, no.
First of all, why would youthink I wanna continue the night
with you?
I haven't spoken to you in twohours.
Like obviously I'm not happy.
I was like no I'm just reallytired, like I just wanna go
home.
And he had the audacity be likeoh or you could just go home
with me.
It's like why would you saythat?
Like, why would you think that,why would you make a comment
like that?
Like, why would you think Iwould go home with you on the
(26:56):
second date and two this isn'teven going well.
We haven't even kissed.
I don't want you.
I feel like you forcing yourselfonto me and touching me.
Non-consensual.
Made you feel like maybe ourrelationship had progressed when
it hadn't.
What?
It was so weird and so out ofpocket.
And so confusing.
And yeah, obviously I went homelike irritated and like
(27:18):
honestly, part of me wanted togo back out after, like by
myself and meet up with myfriends.
But I think I was just like soenergetically drained by the
whole weekend that's not the wayI wanna feel.
That's not a good feeling.
And then literally the next day.
The guy's like hitting me up togo to breakfast and like hitting
me up to do all these things andI'm just like, get a clue.
(27:43):
Okay.
Like at first I wasn't evengonna say anything.
I was just like, thank to himfor inviting me to the show.
And then I had a lot of fun andbeing like polite.
And then when he like wouldn'tstop texting me, I was like you
know what?
Honestly, for myself, I deserveto stand up for myself and speak
my truth.
And also for him so he can learnlike this is not the way to
(28:05):
carry yourself.
Like it's not appropriate.
And also too, I didn't want thenarrative, not that I care what
anyone thinks, but I didn't wantthe narrative to be like oh she
ghosted me.
She just used me to go to thisconcert or the show like no,
babe.
That's not what happened.
That's not what happened.
Like you were inappropriate.
You were out of pocket.
You were aggressive and forcefuland didn't respect my time or my
(28:29):
boundaries.
You tried to monopolize myentire weekend when I barely
know you, and you were likeentitled to my time and my body.
That's what happened.
That's why I don't wanna talk toyou.
That's why I don't wanna see youagain.
I feel like guys get thesenarratives, like women just use
them or they like take advantageof them, or they just want like
(28:51):
free dinners or freeopportunities and it's no, like
you invite a girl on somethingand then you think you're owed
something or you like expectsomething from them.
I don't owe you anything otherthan my attention and my time as
long as I think you deserve it.
If you're gonna be aggressiveand disrespectful.
(29:12):
I'm allowed to take back my timeand my attention at any time.
I don't owe you anything periodpoint blank.
And so I think as long as guysunderstand that and if they
don't, you shouldn't be askingwomen on dates.
You shouldn't.
And also too, if you're tooscared to ask someone on a date,
like I said, don't ask them likeI had another guy.
(29:32):
He texts me and he literallywill text me and be like Hey, I
have a reservation at 7 30 atthis restaurant.
Do you wanna come?
Yes or no?
And I'm like yeah, sure.
That sounds fun.
That's a man.
That's a man.
Like he already has the plan.
Here's the time.
Let's me know, asks me directly.
The reservation's already made.
A real reservation, not a fakeone.
(29:55):
And yeah, that's a man.
I respect that, and so I respondto that accordingly.
I'm like oh, I'm respondingpositively to the masculine
energy that is put forward.
Not like someone indirectlyasking me on a date in a
wraparound way and then didn'teven get a real reservation.
They didn't even it's just, it'sicky.
(30:16):
It's giving little boy at 50.
Honestly, he wasn't really 50,but it doesn't matter.
Like these guys, the age doesn'treally make a difference, like
whether they're grown or not,whether they're a man or not,
and it's just yeah, I feel likethis was a lesson for me,
obviously.
And other women can learn fromthis experience, but I think the
(30:36):
men can learn too.
And my audience is mostly womenon certain platforms, but then
on other platforms it's 70% men.
So I know that you men watch mystuff and I know that some of
you listen maybe not theentirety, but I know you listen
to some stuff and i'm probablylike preaching to the choir, but
(30:58):
some of y'all could definitelylearn a thing or two.
And maybe you can think back toa time where you know, a girl
ghosted you or you didn't havethe outcome that you wanted.
And think back to maybe it wasyour behavior.
Like maybe take someaccountability, like maybe you
didn't handle yourself.
Like you should have, youweren't a perfect gentleman, and
(31:19):
before any of you are like, ohyour background, oh, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
Maybe he thought this, did thisbecause of your job or what you
do, and it's just like what I doas a job or like how I've chosen
to support myself is not areflection of me or my character
or the way I carry myself withmen.
Like I mentioned in previousepisodes, like I literally took
(31:41):
a break from dating for eightmonths.
I was celibate for eight monthsand I still am.
I'm not out there like throwingmyself at manner or needing like
attention or validation oranything.
I don't accept a lot of dates.
This one I was literally trickedinto, which is not cool by the
way.
And I'm a nice girl.
I'm polite.
I wanna give everyone a chance,but I think this was definitely
(32:03):
a lesson in boundaries, which Ialways seem to have more lessons
in boundaries, like anotherlesson and boundaries, love it
for me.
But yeah, it's just icky.
But it's good.
Like every experience, it justmakes me better and brings me
closer to my person.
I heard this recently, acreator, and they were talking
(32:23):
about dating.
They were talking about whateverit is you're trying to manifest,
and it's like, what if you knewyou were 50 bad dates away from
meeting your dream person?
It's like, how fast would you bewanting to get through those bad
dates?
Like how excited would you be togo on another bad date?
And yeah, I was really upsetabout this weekend.
I felt like I wasted my wholeweekend and I was like super
(32:46):
drained and I felt like reallystupid.
Honestly.
I was embarrassed that I was inthis situation, like me, someone
who claims to like have all thisexperience with relationships
and it's been like healing andworking on themselves.
Like I was like bamboozled andin a situation where I was made
to feel uncomfortable and I gavemy time to someone I didn't
really want to, or like itwasn't respected and it's just
(33:09):
there's value in every datingexperience, even the bad ones.
Even the ones that like, wethink we should know better and
like we think that we shouldn'thave even been in like we
learned something and it alsobrought us closer to our person,
so it wasn't a waste.
And look at all the content Igot out of it and like the
lesson and like I know that mystory is gonna help other girls.
(33:32):
And honestly, when he hears thisi'm sure it'll help him.
He'll maybe understand like whathe did wrong.
I think he knows what he didwrong.
He's old enough to, honestly, ifhe doesn't shame on him.
And yeah.
I hope this was helpful.
I really appreciate you guyslistening and the laughing with
me like it is funny, it'scomical.
I was upset at first because Ididn't see the value in it, and
(33:55):
now I'm like, okay, like this ishelpful.
I'm gonna help other girls notput themselves in dangerous or
potentially dangeroussituations, and maybe I'll help
some of the guys like carrythemselves a little bit better.
Yeah.
Anyways, if this helps you letme know.
Let's talk about it in thecomments.
DM me, I read all of your guys'messages and if you're a guy,
(34:19):
you can gimme your perspectiveon this and lemme know what you
think.
most of you probably think I'mjust stupid for falling for
this, but I'm one day smarter,so love that for me.
Anyways, please share this withyour friends, like, subscribe.
You really just help me.
all I really wanna do is helpthe girlies and the guys
honestly.
So thank you guys for listeningand I'll talk to you guys next
time.
(34:39):
Bye.
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that Sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hi friends.
Welcome back to BecomingSunshine.
Today's episode is a little bitdifferent.
It's like a story time andhonestly I think that women can
really take something away fromthis as well as men, honestly.
(00:42):
So I think like everyone canlearn from this recent
experience of mine.
So here we go.
it was actually my mom thatlike, gave me the idea to make
this into an episode.
'cause at first I was reallyupset about what happened and I
was just like upset that I like,gave my time and my energy to
something.
And she just helped me reframeit.
(01:05):
And she was like, it wasn't awaste.
Think of the content you gotfrom this and like the lesson
and you can really help likeother women as well as men.
Here we go.
So I recently accepted a date,which I actually didn't even
mean to, I was like tricked intogoing on a date, which is
something that guys do.
I've learned.
(01:25):
And I think it's when guys arelike not confident enough to
actually be direct and ask you,which should be a lesson to the
men out there.
If you don't feel confidentenough to ask directly for a
girl to go out with you, youprobably shouldn't be asking
because like, why would I go outwith you if you're not even
confident enough to ask?
That's wild.
(01:46):
Do you think you're a man that Iwould date if you're not even
like the level of confidence youwould ask me?
That's so crazy and weird.
yeah, if you feel like I wouldsay no.
If you ask me directly, then youprobably shouldn't ask.
But anyways, so this guy, andmaybe I should just stop
answering my dms.
I really don't ever, but yeah, Ijust yeah, I don't know.
(02:11):
So this guy dmd me, we had abunch of mutual friends and I
knew people that knew him, so itwasn't like that outta the blue
and that weird, and he likeinvited me to this concert and
it was a show I really wanted togo to.
So I was like, oh, like thiscould be fun.
Honestly, I am not really tryingto date anyone right now, but if
(02:31):
a guy wants to take me on anexperience that, I think would
be fun.
Like, why not?
Like why not give him a chance?
Let's just, let's see.
And so this guy invited me tothis show that I really wanted
to go to, and he had gone to ashow with some of my friends
like a few weeks prior.
(02:52):
And so I thought it would belike a big group and he was just
extending the invitation.
That's initially what I hadthought when I responded to the
dm.
And so I was like, oh yeah, likethat sounds so fun.
Let's do it.
Let's go.
And he was like, okay, cool.
Let's, do dinner the nightbefore.
And I was just, was like okay,yeah.
Like we can do that if it's likeearly enough, I'm not trying to
(03:13):
give this guy my whole Fridayand Saturday, but yeah, we can
go to dinner.
Like I should probably get toknow you before we go to the
show together.
Again, I thought it was like ina big group, but I thought maybe
it was like, I don't know, hissection or something.
I don't know.
And so I was like okay yeah, aslong as it's early, we can go to
dinner on Friday.
(03:34):
And so he's okay, like what doyou like to eat?
What's your favorite food?
And I'm just like oh like I lovesushi, but we can do whatever.
And so he is okay, like where isyour favorite?
Where's your favoriterestaurant?
Like blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, oh, like I likethis place, but like we can
really go wherever.
And he was like okay, cool.
Like dinner's at this time, atthis place.
(03:56):
And I was like oh, cool.
Like it's really hard to get alast minute reservation at this
place.
Like you must have the hookup,so like red flag number one, not
confident enough to actually askme.
Directly on a date.
Yeah.
'cause then like later I hadasked him like, about the vibes
for the show and I was like, ohwho's going?
(04:16):
Is it gonna be like a big group?
And he was like oh no, it's justus.
Is that okay?
And it's I guess it has to benow like.
Okay, so now I've committed totwo dates with this person, like
unknowingly okay, love that forme, and maybe this is just me
being naive, but I just alsothink he is like intentionally
trying to mislead me.
I don't think that's like anaccident.
So yeah.
(04:37):
Red flag number one is that hewas like, tricking me into a
date to go to the show with him.
And then on Friday we're likewalking in the door to the
restaurant at dinner and and itwas like an earlier, at an
earlier time, it was like seven30 or something.
'cause like again, I told himlike, I have to be somewhere
(04:59):
later, like I planned later.
And he's like oh, by the way ourreservation's not till nine, but
I'm sure we can get a spot.
Like, what you're telling methis as we're walking in the
door.
You don't respect my time.
Like I literally told you that Ihad somewhere to be later and
it's just you have no problemmonopolizing my whole evening.
(05:20):
And I feel like I was raised tobe polite and a good girl.
I think that's like agenerational thing and it's just
this man isn't respecting mytime or my boundaries, so why do
I need to be a polite nice girlto him.
But I try to be cool, i'm likeokay, that's fine.
Not really, but I guess, we'realready here.
(05:40):
And I was like, okay, maybe.
Yeah, I'm a chill girl, I'm achill girl.
Like maybe we can get a spot.
And so we're like sitting at thebar or whatever, like getting
drinks while we're waiting for atable or like a spot at the bar
to open up and where we weresitting at the bar, it was not
full service.
There was like a full servicesection of the bar that they
sit, but we were not sittingthere.
(06:00):
There was like one chair and soI was sitting at the chair and
he's like standing, likehovering over me.
Which like, I understand therestrictive area, but it's like,
this is our first time meetingand you're like super close to
me and touching me and stuff.
And I get we're in closecorners, but I don't feel like
(06:21):
there's any reason for you to betouching me when I barely know
you and it's the first date.
So I was already uncomfortable.
And like we're sitting theregetting a drink.
And I feel like he's not reallywatching the bar to see if spots
are opening up.
And I swear there was a pointwhere there was definitely like
(06:41):
spots and like eventually I feellike it was like an hour and a
half had gone by.
'cause we were on our seconddrink and I was just like, Hey
Do you see spots opening up?
Does the host stand know thatlike we're waiting to sit at the
bar, like we're waiting to sitsomewhere.
And he was just like oh okay,let me check.
And it just was like honestly, Ifeel like I should have been
(07:02):
like listen I have to go, when Iam giving you a first date, I
don't owe you my whole evening.
Like I owe you maybe an hour anda half, two hours.
If it's not going well, like Idon't need to give you my whole
night, nor should you expectthat as a man.
And so it already had been likean hour and a half.
we're not really eatinganything, you're not respecting
(07:25):
that I had stuff I had to dolater.
I had plans later.
I had other obligations.
Like honestly, I should haveleft.
But the nice girl in me was justlike, okay, let's just wait this
out, and mind you, while we'resitting, standing at the bar,
he's like touching me, rubbingmy back, like touching my legs
and I'm just like, not cool.
(07:46):
Please don't touch me.
And I should have nipped it inthe bud right there and said
something.
I'm trying to be like a coolgirl, trying to be chill.
I get it.
Like he's trying to like beclose to me so we can talk.
'cause we're like at thiscrowded bar.
And also too, when I'm on afirst date, like I'm not trying
to have really more than twodrinks.
(08:06):
Like maybe if it's going reallywell, but it's like now we
haven't even had dinner yet andI've already on my second drink.
I don't like this.
it almost feels calculated orpredatory, like you're trying to
get me drunk or something.
I don't know.
So finally we get sat at thebar.
And again, we're sitting side byside at the bar, so he's like
(08:29):
very close to me.
His chair is very close to me,probably by design.
Like our chairs don't need to bethat close to each other.
You don't need to be liketouching my leg.
If we were sitting at a table onthe first date, we would be
sitting across from each other.
We'd have ample.
Space, and it's just you're notmy boyfriend.
We haven't been dating for awhile.
There's no reason why you needto be touching me.
There's no reason so I'muncomfortable, and we're getting
(08:52):
food or whatever.
He like orders bottles sake, andI get like another drink or
whatever.
So now I'm like on my thirddrink and we're having sake and
it's getting later.
And, like we had an okay time atdinner.
We had okay conversations.
There were some things that werelike a little bit problematic.
I liked that he took an interestin things that are important to
(09:13):
me.
Like he was asking me questions,trying to get to know me, but he
was giving me like unsolicitedadvice, like on my podcast, on
my brand.
And I had to like finally nip itin the bud and I was like
listen, I already know what Ineed to do.
I need to be consistent with it.
everything goes back to me beingconsistent and like what I need
(09:33):
to be doing is like spending mytime there, not here with you on
this date.
So maybe you should stop givingme advice Yeah, I hate when guys
give me unsolicited advice orthey try to mansplain,
especially on the first date,like love that you took an
interest in something that I'mpassionate about, babe.
But stay in your lane.
Yeah, so didn't love that.
(09:53):
Didn't love all the touchingplease don't touch me.
Your chair doesn't need to be asclose to me.
It's just like a boundariesthing.
Like it just felt like he didn'trespect my time or my
boundaries.
And honestly I think that Iwould've been justified to get
up from the dinner and excusemyself and leave.
I don't think it has to be likethat bad.
Like you have to be like indanger.
(10:14):
Like a guy has to cross the linethat bad.
I think if they're beingdisrespectful, I don't owe you
my evening.
I don't owe you anything.
Yeah, you invited me here todinner.
That was very kind of you likeyeah, you invited me to the show
the next day.
But it's just if you're notrespecting me or my boundaries.
I think I'm justified inexcusing myself, and I think
women need more licensing forthat and I'm encouraging you to
(10:38):
do that if you're everuncomfortable on a date and not
worry about being polite or agood girl because like nice for
what?
He wasn't being nice.
Yeah, he was being nice, butlike being like overly
affectionate and disrespectfulthat's not nice.
Why do I owe him anything?
(10:58):
I don't yeah, so it starts toget later, right?
And I'm like, maybe he's justnervous.
I'm trying to like, give him achance.
A lot of these like things thatI'm saying now, it's took me a
minute to reflect on like in themoment.
I didn't really have all theseideas.
I like intuitively felt like ununcomfy and icky, but it took me
(11:23):
like a day or two to put allthese pieces together and that's
why I'm, talking about it nowand reflecting on it now.
Honestly, before the date, thenight before, like I worked
really late and I was reallytired.
So tired.
I was like nauseous, like Ididn't even really wanna go.
But I was just like I told thisguy, I would go with him.
I'll just go we'll have a goodtime.
And so I was like delusionaltired before, so I wasn't like
(11:45):
at my best.
So it was probably why I didn'tpick up on these things right
away, or take them as.
Seriously as I should haverecognized the red flags as much
as I should have.
Anyways, so it's like gettinglater and like obviously my
plans for the evening were notfeeling like they were gonna
(12:06):
happen and so he was like oh, doyou wanna get another drink?
And I'm like, yeah sure,whatever.
That's fine.
And the place we were going waslike literally right by my
house.
Like I literally could havewalked home.
Not that I would, I was justlike yeah sure it's like
literally on the way home we'llgive him more drink, talk about
the logistics for tomorrow forthe show.
Whatever.
(12:26):
And so we're like at the nextplace getting a drink and I
don't even know how this cameup.
I think, like I briefly lookedover his social media before
just to see what he was aboutand gauge what he was about and
stuff.
And I think I like thought hehad been married before and
(12:46):
maybe had some like kids.
'cause he was like older.
And I've dated older guys beforeand honestly one of the best
relationships I ever had waswith a guy that was a little bit
older than me.
I think sometimes that helpswith the polarity in
relationships and I just respectthem more.
I feel like I can learn morefrom them.
I look up to them more.
And so it wasn't weird that hewas older than me, I thought
(13:07):
like maybe that was like a goodthing at first.
And then when I discovered thathe had never been married
before, I was just like oh,that's interesting.
And I think that's agenerational thing.
I think millennials are gettingmarried later and I think that's
fine.
I also think, if you're reallyfocused on your career and
stuff, and so I had asked him, Iwas like oh, were you really
(13:28):
focused on your career?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
And he's no, I just like nevermet the right person.
I don't know if this is like aweird double standard, I think
like women maybe like I wouldbelieve, but from a man, like
the whole reason why men work sohard in their careers to get the
girl.
So it's like if you are nevermarried and you're like almost
(13:50):
50, it's I think that's a redflag, especially with the
generation before us.
Gen Xs is very uncommon, I feellike, for men not to get married
when they're younger.
I feel like culturally is justlike a little bit odd.
I feel like again, like todaypeople are getting married later
and it's not as weird.
It's oh like congrats, youavoided your first divorce.
(14:12):
It's like a bad joke, but yeah,I think like the previous
generation people have stayedunhappily married or, and I get
it, maybe he really is like sosmart, and if there hadn't been
all these other like red flags,maybe I would've believed that,
he really didn't meet the rightperson.
He really was smart.
He really was like avoiding hisfirst divorce.
But with all these like littlered flags, I just was like i'm
(14:34):
not sure if I believe that's thereason why you were never
married.
So yeah, another red flagladies, if he's like almost 50
and has never been married,never even came close, like odd.
And he also asked me like, hewas like, oh, I wanna have our
first kiss.
Like what?
That's so weird.
(14:55):
I get like consent okay askingme, but I wanna have our first
kiss.
I don't even think that'sasking.
I think that's like why wouldyou think that one, I owe you a
kiss and two that like, I wannakiss you.
Like I don't, those are not thevibes that are happening.
So strange and I feel like as aman, you can tell when a girl
(15:16):
wants to kiss you like, or youjust I feel like you can tell
like you don't really have to,there's like nonverbal cues and
there was none of that going on.
I don't know, it was just verystrange, very odd.
Obviously we called it a night,not long after that and honestly
I was not really feeling likegoing to the show with him the
next day.
(15:36):
But I was like, maybe he wasjust nervous, chalking it up to
that first dates are always likeawkward sometimes.
Not really for me, but I don'tknow, yeah I don't know.
Again, thought maybe it was likea generational thing.
I was very tired, a little bitoff my game.
Like my radar was a little bitoff and like I really did wanna
go to the show tomorrow.
And I was like, oh my gosh.
(15:57):
He was just nervous.
Tomorrow's gonna be so fun.
Like it's fine.
So the next day this guy's likeblowing up my phone early and
he's let's go get coffee.
Let's go for a walk.
And I was just like bro I'mseeing you later today.
I just saw you last night.
Like chill.
You like monopolized my nightlast night?
Like you're not getting my wholeday, right.
(16:17):
and honestly, I was hungover.
It's like we drank more than Iwas planning to I need the
morning to recover and likechill because I'm supposed to
meet this guy in the afternoonto hang out a little bit before
the show.
Like the show I think was likeat 7 30 or something, and
actually didn't end up startinguntil 8 30, but like whatever
we're gonna get there at sevenor something.
(16:37):
And he was like, oh, we shouldgo pre-game before.
And so I was like okay yeah,cool.
Like we can get dinner before,like pre-game a little bit, get
a drink before, that's cool,whatever.
And it's if the show starts atseven, like we should go at
five.
And he wanted to meet up at 3o'clock and I'm just like
there's no reason why we need tohang out four hours before the
(16:57):
show.
I just met you.
I don't need to give you mywhole day.
And the fact that he'd alreadyasked me to hang out earlier in
the day, like it was just toomuch.
Like it was too much.
So clingy, guys, if you are likeasking out someone new and
trying to get someone new pleasedon't do this.
It's unattractive.
It's so clingy, and it's justit's just too much and it's
(17:19):
again, not respectful of mytime, like I have other stuff
going on.
Just because you invited me tosomething doesn't mean I owe you
my entire weekend, like no.
Or even my entire day.
And so I ended up meeting upwith him at four or something.
And originally the plan was liketo go like walk around and do
other stuff.
Maybe like barhop, I don't know,go get dinner somewhere.
(17:42):
And like we get to this likeshopping area where there's like
a lot of stuff to do and we justlike immediately go to this one
bar and this one restaurant thatlike, I thought we were going to
much later and we're just likesitting there at the bar and I'm
like, okay, whatever.
And he's oh, like one of mybuddies is meeting up with us.
I'm like, okay, cool.
Whatever.
That's fine.
(18:02):
And the bartender's asking us ifwe want like menus, if we wanna
like order food.
And he like speaks for us, andhe's oh, I don't think we're
gonna get any food.
Maybe later we'll get likesnacks or something.
And it's what?
Like why are we not eating?
Like I thought the whole pointwas to like get food before the
show.
Like, why are you not trying tofeed me?
It was so strange.
And we're just ordering drinksand I'm just like, I physically
(18:24):
cannot sit here and drink allafternoon before a show and not
eat anything.
one, it felt rude.
Like never have ever been on adate with a guy where he was
like, not trying to feed me.
That's so strange.
And two, it felt predatory.
It felt like he was trying toget me drunk.
Like, why do we need to sit andjust drink all day?
Like especially in the samespot.
Like it's not even fun.
Like we're not even like barhopping, we're not being social.
(18:46):
And it felt like when his friendmet up with us, he was just like
trying to show me off to hisfriend.
Like it was so strange and notfun.
And like finally I like orderedsomething.
'cause I was like, I have to eatsomething.
What is this?
This is so weird.
We're about to leave to meet upwith like my friends and haven't
ate anything and I'm on like mythird drink, like predatory.
(19:07):
And at this point I like don'teven wanna go to the show.
Like how did I get myself intothis?
And we meet up with a couple ofmy friends and my friend can
like already tell, I'm like, notabout it.
And she's he seems so nice.
Like you should give him achance.
He seems like a really nice guy.
And he did.
He seemed like a really niceguy.
He had the nice guy facade down,but there was so many like
(19:29):
disrespectful and like predatorythings that were going on that,
like you couldn't really seeright away.
It was like you to pick up onthem and things I thought about
later and I was like, damn, thatwas really weird.
And like really predatory andlike really not cool and like
really strange.
And so we're like all on our wayto the show.
(19:51):
Unfortunately, like our ticketswere like not next to each
other, so we couldn't reallystay together.
So we were like on our way tothe show, I couldn't bring my
bag in'cause it was too big.
And he was like oh it's okay.
It's cool.
Just leave your bag in my caryou don't need anything.
And I was like okay cool.
That's fine.
At this point he had been likeannoying me, but it was like,
just like annoying.
(20:11):
It wasn't like I was souncomfortable, like I wanted to
get away from this man.
But like the biggest lesson hereis never put yourself in a
situation where you can't leavefreely.
My purse was in this guy's car.
My camera was in his car.
Like everything, like all I hadon me was my phone.
And like I was pretty much stuckwith him like for the rest of
the evening.
Yeah.
(20:32):
I'll never make that mistakeagain.
So we get to the show, we get adrink, me and my friends and
him, and then we have to go toour seats'cause we're not
sitting together unfortunately.
And so the concert starts, itwas super fun and I'm vibing,
and then this guy is likestanding behind me and pushing
his weight into me, like dancinginto me.
(20:54):
And like at first I'm like,okay, don't love this.
Don't love that.
You're like pressing up on me,like dancing on me.
I honestly thought about it inmy head.
I was like, if I was here withone of my guy friends and he was
dancing on me or dancing withme, like I wouldn't be so
bothered.
I was like, why am I sobothered?
And I think it was just like theintent because if it was one of
(21:16):
my guy friends, it would feelharmless.
And this didn't feel harmless.
Like it felt very forceful andlike predatory and again, like
what he did at the restaurant,like he was trying to touch me
Like inappropriately, like itwasn't like reciprocated, wasn't
like welcomed energy.
And where we were in the show,we were like right in the front
(21:36):
and it was like standing only,and I guess that was like the
best tickets for the venue.
But it's like still, I'm likestanding the entire time in
these heed boots that I'mwearing and he's like pressing
into me so much.
I'm like holding him up.
I'm like literally pushing intothe ground, like pressing back,
like holding him up.
And I was, at first I was kindalike, is he like drunk?
Is he like leaning into me?
(21:57):
Is he just like drunk?
And I'm like, why am I holdingup this grown man?
You're literally like hurtingme.
And at first I tried to be likeplayful about it and give him an
out.
Like I would look back andpretend oh my gosh, is someone
pushing you?
Is someone pushing you into me?
Is that why you're pressingyourself into me so much?
Be playful and give them an out.
If there's anything I've learnedwhen it comes to dealing with
(22:18):
men without, like triggeringthem or, I wanna disarm them.
It's like I don't wanna have anissue, but I do wanna call'em on
something.
I'll be playful about it.
And I have to do this twice.
I literally look back and I'mjust like, oh my God.
Is someone like pushing us?
Like, why are you getting, whyare you so close to me?
Like, why are you pushing intome?
Like, why are you like all aboutme?
(22:38):
That's so strange.
Are they pushing us?
And either he like didn't pickup on it or he like didn't care.
It's sir, like I don't want youtouching me.
And then finally I had to justremove him his hands and push
him off of me and be like, oh myGod, get off.
Please don't touch me.
This is my dancing space.
That's your dancing space.
Please stay in your dancingspace.
And again, like even if it wasone of my guy friends and we
(23:00):
were dancing together, like Iwouldn't be upset.
I wouldn't be triggered itwouldn't have bothered me.
Like it would've been fun.
It was just like thisunwelcomed, like predatory
energy that I felt.
And like at that point I was somad, I had so many friends at
the show that I wish I would'vejust excuse myself to the
bathroom and went and dancedwith them and hung out with
(23:22):
them.
And I think it would've beenjustified in that because I feel
like his behavior was so out ofpocket and so inappropriate and
I don't think it was likeunintentional.
Like I think he knew exactlywhat he was doing.
I think he was trying to get medrunk and then I think he was
trying to like cop a feel orpush my boundaries or hoping
that like I wouldn't haveboundaries'cause I was drunk or
(23:42):
something and we're at the showand he could just like press
upon me like not cool.
And it just sucked that my bagwas in this man's car.
Like my id, my bag, my camera,like everything.
And so I had to stay with himand I literally didn't talk to
him the second half of the show,I was so irritated.
Like it sucked'cause this islike an artist I really wanted
(24:04):
to see.
And I wish I would've justbought a ticket and went with my
friends because yeah I wasn'teven really able to enjoy
myself, which was too bad'causeit was like a really good show
and it would've been super funif I was there with the right
person.
And it just goes to show thatit's not where you're at, it's
who you're with.
(24:24):
you can be at the most funexperience and if you're with
the wrong person or someone thatmakes you feel uncomfortable,
you're not gonna enjoy yourselfor have a good time.
And so finally the show ends andwe are leaving and I like, don't
say a word to him.
I'm so mad at him.
I played it off like I was tired'cause I didn't even wanna have
(24:44):
the conversation about it.
I just wanted to get back to thecar so I could get my stuff and
go home and I actually ran intoone of my like best guy friends
after, and I remember he waslike oh my god, Madeline and I
looked at him.
I had sunglasses on so hecouldn't see me.
And I like grabbed his wrist andI wanted to be like, oh my God,
please save me.
And again, remembered that mybag was in this man's car and I
(25:07):
had to leave with him and I wasjust like damn, and I was
talking to my guy friend aboutit later and he's yeah, I could
tell something was wrong and youwanted to stay with me, but I
didn't know you needed help.
And he's next time we need tohave a code word.
And I was like, yeah.
I wasn't like in danger.
But I think the lesson here is Icould have been, like it
could've, the situation wasuncomfortable, but it could've
(25:29):
actually got dangerous.
And it's just a lesson to allwomen, don't ever Put yourself
in a situation you can't get outof.
You need to be able to leavewhen you wanna leave.
Unless a guy's your boyfriend oryou've been dating for a really
long time don't put your stuffin his car.
Don't depend on him.
Don't be reliant on a man likehonestly, ever.
(25:49):
But yeah, especially if this islike a new person, a new
relationship.
the first couple of dates, likeyou don't know them.
they're a stranger, like youhave to be able to protect
yourself if you need to.
I would've left so many times.
And also like recognizing redflags, like the way he was
acting at the restaurant thenight before and the way he was
acting at the restaurant beforethe show.
(26:11):
Like I should have left.
Forget the show.
Go get my own ticket.
Or just don't even go, like Ihad plenty of friends there.
I'm sure I had friends that anextra ticket, like I am sure I
could have figured it out oreven just do something else that
night.
Like I would've had more fundoing something else and not
going, and on the way home, Ididn't really say a word to him,
and he was just like oh do youwanna go out and get a drink?
(26:32):
And I just was like, no.
First of all, why would youthink I wanna continue the night
with you?
I haven't spoken to you in twohours.
Like obviously I'm not happy.
I was like no I'm just reallytired, like I just wanna go
home.
And he had the audacity be likeoh or you could just go home
with me.
It's like why would you saythat?
Like, why would you think that,why would you make a comment
like that?
Like, why would you think Iwould go home with you on the
(26:56):
second date and two this isn'teven going well.
We haven't even kissed.
I don't want you.
I feel like you forcing yourselfonto me and touching me.
Non-consensual.
Made you feel like maybe ourrelationship had progressed when
it hadn't.
What?
It was so weird and so out ofpocket.
And so confusing.
And yeah, obviously I went homelike irritated and like
(27:18):
honestly, part of me wanted togo back out after, like by
myself and meet up with myfriends.
But I think I was just like soenergetically drained by the
whole weekend that's not the wayI wanna feel.
That's not a good feeling.
And then literally the next day.
The guy's like hitting me up togo to breakfast and like hitting
me up to do all these things andI'm just like, get a clue.
(27:43):
Okay.
Like at first I wasn't evengonna say anything.
I was just like, thank to himfor inviting me to the show.
And then I had a lot of fun andbeing like polite.
And then when he like wouldn'tstop texting me, I was like you
know what?
Honestly, for myself, I deserveto stand up for myself and speak
my truth.
And also for him so he can learnlike this is not the way to
(28:05):
carry yourself.
Like it's not appropriate.
And also too, I didn't want thenarrative, not that I care what
anyone thinks, but I didn't wantthe narrative to be like oh she
ghosted me.
She just used me to go to thisconcert or the show like no,
babe.
That's not what happened.
That's not what happened.
Like you were inappropriate.
You were out of pocket.
You were aggressive and forcefuland didn't respect my time or my
(28:29):
boundaries.
You tried to monopolize myentire weekend when I barely
know you, and you were likeentitled to my time and my body.
That's what happened.
That's why I don't wanna talk toyou.
That's why I don't wanna see youagain.
I feel like guys get thesenarratives, like women just use
them or they like take advantageof them, or they just want like
(28:51):
free dinners or freeopportunities and it's no, like
you invite a girl on somethingand then you think you're owed
something or you like expectsomething from them.
I don't owe you anything otherthan my attention and my time as
long as I think you deserve it.
If you're gonna be aggressiveand disrespectful.
(29:12):
I'm allowed to take back my timeand my attention at any time.
I don't owe you anything periodpoint blank.
And so I think as long as guysunderstand that and if they
don't, you shouldn't be askingwomen on dates.
You shouldn't.
And also too, if you're tooscared to ask someone on a date,
like I said, don't ask them likeI had another guy.
(29:32):
He texts me and he literallywill text me and be like Hey, I
have a reservation at 7 30 atthis restaurant.
Do you wanna come?
Yes or no?
And I'm like yeah, sure.
That sounds fun.
That's a man.
That's a man.
Like he already has the plan.
Here's the time.
Let's me know, asks me directly.
The reservation's already made.
A real reservation, not a fakeone.
(29:55):
And yeah, that's a man.
I respect that, and so I respondto that accordingly.
I'm like oh, I'm respondingpositively to the masculine
energy that is put forward.
Not like someone indirectlyasking me on a date in a
wraparound way and then didn'teven get a real reservation.
They didn't even it's just, it'sicky.
(30:16):
It's giving little boy at 50.
Honestly, he wasn't really 50,but it doesn't matter.
Like these guys, the age doesn'treally make a difference, like
whether they're grown or not,whether they're a man or not,
and it's just yeah, I feel likethis was a lesson for me,
obviously.
And other women can learn fromthis experience, but I think the
(30:36):
men can learn too.
And my audience is mostly womenon certain platforms, but then
on other platforms it's 70% men.
So I know that you men watch mystuff and I know that some of
you listen maybe not theentirety, but I know you listen
to some stuff and i'm probablylike preaching to the choir, but
(30:58):
some of y'all could definitelylearn a thing or two.
And maybe you can think back toa time where you know, a girl
ghosted you or you didn't havethe outcome that you wanted.
And think back to maybe it wasyour behavior.
Like maybe take someaccountability, like maybe you
didn't handle yourself.
Like you should have, youweren't a perfect gentleman, and
(31:19):
before any of you are like, ohyour background, oh, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
Maybe he thought this, did thisbecause of your job or what you
do, and it's just like what I doas a job or like how I've chosen
to support myself is not areflection of me or my character
or the way I carry myself withmen.
Like I mentioned in previousepisodes, like I literally took
(31:41):
a break from dating for eightmonths.
I was celibate for eight monthsand I still am.
I'm not out there like throwingmyself at manner or needing like
attention or validation oranything.
I don't accept a lot of dates.
This one I was literally trickedinto, which is not cool by the
way.
And I'm a nice girl.
I'm polite.
I wanna give everyone a chance,but I think this was definitely
(32:03):
a lesson in boundaries, which Ialways seem to have more lessons
in boundaries, like anotherlesson and boundaries, love it
for me.
But yeah, it's just icky.
But it's good.
Like every experience, it justmakes me better and brings me
closer to my person.
I heard this recently, acreator, and they were talking
(32:23):
about dating.
They were talking about whateverit is you're trying to manifest,
and it's like, what if you knewyou were 50 bad dates away from
meeting your dream person?
It's like, how fast would you bewanting to get through those bad
dates?
Like how excited would you be togo on another bad date?
And yeah, I was really upsetabout this weekend.
I felt like I wasted my wholeweekend and I was like super
(32:46):
drained and I felt like reallystupid.
Honestly.
I was embarrassed that I was inthis situation, like me, someone
who claims to like have all thisexperience with relationships
and it's been like healing andworking on themselves.
Like I was like bamboozled andin a situation where I was made
to feel uncomfortable and I gavemy time to someone I didn't
really want to, or like itwasn't respected and it's just
(33:09):
there's value in every datingexperience, even the bad ones.
Even the ones that like, wethink we should know better and
like we think that we shouldn'thave even been in like we
learned something and it alsobrought us closer to our person,
so it wasn't a waste.
And look at all the content Igot out of it and like the
lesson and like I know that mystory is gonna help other girls.
(33:32):
And honestly, when he hears thisi'm sure it'll help him.
He'll maybe understand like whathe did wrong.
I think he knows what he didwrong.
He's old enough to, honestly, ifhe doesn't shame on him.
And yeah.
I hope this was helpful.
I really appreciate you guyslistening and the laughing with
me like it is funny, it'scomical.
I was upset at first because Ididn't see the value in it, and
(33:55):
now I'm like, okay, like this ishelpful.
I'm gonna help other girls notput themselves in dangerous or
potentially dangeroussituations, and maybe I'll help
some of the guys like carrythemselves a little bit better.
Yeah.
Anyways, if this helps you letme know.
Let's talk about it in thecomments.
DM me, I read all of your guys'messages and if you're a guy,
(34:19):
you can gimme your perspectiveon this and lemme know what you
think.
most of you probably think I'mjust stupid for falling for
this, but I'm one day smarter,so love that for me.
Anyways, please share this withyour friends, like, subscribe.
You really just help me.
all I really wanna do is helpthe girlies and the guys
honestly.
So thank you guys for listeningand I'll talk to you guys next
time.
(34:39):
Bye.
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