November 17, 2025 • 21 mins
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Trauma Bond or True Love? How to Tell the Difference
Ever mistaken chaos for chemistry? You’re not alone. In this week’s episode, we dive deep into attachment styles, trauma bonds, and why so many of us confuse emotional intensity with real love. I break down how anxious and avoidant dynamics create addictive highs and lows, why your brain literally craves the person who hurts you, and what secure love actually feels like — calm, consistent, and safe.
Whether you’re healing from a toxic connection or learning to spot the red flags earlier, this episode will help you stop outsourcing your peace and start attracting partners who regulate your nervous system instead of wrecking it.
In this episode, we talk about:
✨ The difference between trauma bonding and genuine connection
✨ How anxious and avoidant attachment styles feed off each other
✨ Why “spark” isn’t always chemistry — it’s often dysregulation
✨ What secure love feels like (and why it might feel “boring” at first)
✨ How to stop confusing chaos for passion and start choosing peace
“You’re not missing passion — you’re detoxing from instability.”
Mentioned in this episode:
- The book Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
- Healing your attachment style through self-regulation and secure partners
- How nervous system regulation changes who you’re attracted to
- The real “glow up” — when you stop craving chaos and start craving peace
Listen if you’re ready to:
💫 Break cycles of anxious or avoidant relationships
🌿 Learn what secure, healthy love actually feels like
❤️ Reclaim your peace, your power, and your glow
Dive deeper into the energy of Becoming Sunshine
Explore my digital guides, journals, and masterclasses designed to help you heal, realign, and step into your highest self.
[shop the Becoming Sunshine collection on Payhip]
https://payhip.com/BecomingSunshine
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Madeline (00:00):
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that Sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hi friends.
Welcome back to BecomingSunshine.
I feel like I've talked aboutthis on previous episodes, but I
really do feel like taking thisyear basically to not date and
be celibate, and now I'm finallyputting myself back out there.
(00:44):
I feel like the way I amoperating and the way I am
moving when it comes to datingis completely different.
I've learned so much about myrelationship patterns and why I
used to be stuck in these loopsor date the same kind of people
or be in the same types ofdynamics.
(01:05):
I've learned a lot aboutattachment styles and trauma
bonds, and I feel like theyreally go hand in hand.
Once you realize this, I feellike it's so easy to spot.
I know everyone was watchingLove Is Blind, the most recent
season on Netflix and I'vewatched it before.
I watched older seasons.
I don't know if it's just thisparticular season or if I've
just grown and now I recognizethese dynamics more, but I
(01:31):
literally had to turn it off.
I was getting the ick so badbecause I feel like it is a
social experiment, but it's notabout finding love or if love is
blind, it's literally a socialexperiment about attachment
styles and I think you have tobe anxious to be cast for the
show.
I don't think they want secure,healthy people on the show
(01:54):
because that's not gonna makegood tv.
I digress anyways, if you haveever fallen into the pattern of
the push pull, emotionalrollercoaster or felt that a
relationship was boring, ifthere wasn't the chaos and the
drama.
Chaos is not to be confused withattraction and chemistry.
It's just a dysregulated nervoussystem and it's not just about
(02:18):
childhood dynamics, it's lifeexperience too.
It's not just something wedeveloped when we were young and
we're just doomed.
And also too, even if you dohave an insecure attachment
style, if you're avoidant or ifyou're anxious, or you could be
a combination too, disorganized.
You can become secure, but youdo have to work at it.
Also, being with a securepartner can help you become
(02:40):
secure.
Let's get into attachmentstyles, so secure attachment is
you're able to self-regulate,you don't outsource your peace
to someone else.
Insecure attachment style iseither anxious, avoidant or
disorganized, which is acombination of the two.
An avoidant attachment style isthey value independence, but
it's a hyper independence.
(03:01):
They don't feel like they canrely on other people, so they
just wanna do everythingthemselves, in a toxic way, and
they pull away when things getemotionally intense.
They have intimacy issues andthey go into the same things
that an anxious person doesphysiologically, but they don't
(03:21):
outwardly express that.
They shove it down, and that canmanifest in the body as a lot of
inflammation, it's definitelynot good.
The anxious person tends tocrave closeness and fears
rejection and abandonment.
Unfortunately these peopleusually end up attracting each
other because secure peopleusually don't wanna be with
anxious or avoidant people.
(03:44):
Also too secure people tend tostay in relationships more
often.
They're just not in the datingpool as often, unfortunately.
So there's just more anxious andavoidant people running around.
When these two get together, theanxious chaser and the avoidant
distancer, that's when a traumabond is easily ignited.
(04:06):
The anxious person's nervoussystem goes into panic when the
avoidant withdraws and theavoidant feels suffocated by the
anxious person's intensity, andso they pull back more.
This creates the highs and lows,which releases dopamine.
That's why you get so addictedto these really toxic cycles and
why you get stuck in theserelationship patterns.
(04:27):
It's literally a chemicalimbalance in your brain, it's
like you're withdrawing a drug.
So even if you're miserable,you're desperate for that hit of
dopamine to feel secure again,and for your attachment object,
usually the avoidant person, togive you that feeling of secure
(04:48):
and safety.
It's really outsourcing yourpeace to someone else and not
being able to emotionallyregulate.
You're dependent on theirresponse and how they
communicate with you and howthey show up for you, it's not a
good situation.
A lot of times people confusethat for love and passion, when
(05:08):
really it's just nervous systemdysregulation.
I've definitely been there forsure.
For me it looked like beingconstantly anxious, trying to
fix, trying to please, trying tomake the relationship feel safe
when it never was.
I just kept thinking if Icommunicated better, or if I
loved him more, or I lovedharder it would change
(05:31):
everything, but all it reallydid was keep my body in fight or
flight, which is so toxic.
Especially for me, my cortisollevels all over the place is
literally one of my root causesfor my autoimmune disease.
I look back at pictures ofmyself when I was in this really
toxic relationship and you couldjust see it in my face.
The life was drained outta myface, I just looked like my
(05:53):
light was stolen.
I literally was with this energyvampire, and I just looked
drained and hollow and yeahdepleted.
Depleted is the right word.
I was at work and I hadn't beento this particular club in nine
months or so, and I saw thisgirl I hadn't seen in a while
and she was like, oh my God, youlook so different.
And I hadn't done anything.
I hadn't gotten any procedures.
(06:14):
I hadn't gained or lost a bunchof weight or anything.
I literally just was healing.
And she was like, you just lookso different, like in a good
way.
You get your glow back.
I feel like we've seen thattrend on TikTok and social media
where it's like a picture of thegirl before and a girl after, or
a person before or after areally toxic relationship, and
(06:36):
the text overlay is like, whatdo you mean they drained the
life outta you?
it just shows how these toxicrelationships literally drain
the life out of you and you justlook like a shell of who you
used to be.
And then I also love too whengirls get their glow back and
yeah, it's just amazing.
The glow up that happens whenpeople get out of toxic
relationships.
(06:57):
It's really an internal glow andthen it just radiates out of you
and you just look like, yeah,it's just crazy.
It's crazy what cortisol can do,and also just with stress and
constantly being in fight orflight can do, literally causes
disease, inflammation and itmakes you ugly.
That man, that mid man is makingyou ugly.
(07:18):
No, let him go.
If you've ever thought, why am Iso drawn to this person, even
though I know it's not healthy,it's probably attachment
chemistry at play.
A lot of the people listening tothis podcast probably lean a
little bit more anxious.
I'm an anxious girl myself.
I've definitely done a lot ofwork and I can feel and see in
real time now that I'm datingagain how I'm moving differently
(07:39):
or if I'm triggered, or oldpatterns starting to come up.
Anything that pulls you outtacharacter, it's gotta go.
I am not this insecure person.
I don't compete with otherwomen.
I don't feel jealous.
if a man is making you feel likeyou have to worry about another
(08:00):
girl or making you feel insecureor making you question
everything, and rethinking whatyou did or what you said and if
you had done this differently orthat or whatever, it's like no,
no, no, no, no.
At the end of the day, the manthat is for you and the man that
is right for you, there'snothing that you're gonna do or
(08:20):
say differently that's gonnamake him like you or not like
you more or less.
So if you're ruminating or beinganxious or worrying about these
things, that's probably not ahealthy dynamic.
Think of the version of you inthis relationship.
You don't wanna be this anxiousperson.
You don't wanna be secondguessing things that you did or
said or hyper fixating on thingsthat don't matter.
(08:40):
You wanna just be able to livein peace and anything that pulls
you outta character and makesyou this version of yourself
that you don't wanna be, It'sgotta go.
That's not just for dating,that's anything in general, like
friendships, jobs, anything thatpulls you outta character.
Anything that makes you aversion of yourself that is not
aligned, isn't who you reallyare, isn't who you wanna be.
(09:03):
Nah gotta go.
Nothing that's meant for you isever gonna pull you outta
character.
So what does secure love feellike?
Now that I'm attracting securepartners, I can see the
difference so clearly.
For example I recently wasseeing this guy and it was just
so refreshing and nice to bearound him because he just felt
(09:28):
like such a safe space.
He had daddy energy because Ifelt like I was able to be my
softest, most submissive self.
I just felt so safe and caredfor and not anxious at all.
I remember one of the firsttimes we were hanging out, I
fell asleep and I feel like Iwouldn't just fall asleep when
(09:51):
I'm with a guy, and it's mynervous system felt so safe I
was able to rest and relax.
If you feel like you're able tojust be like jello, just soft
and ushy gushy, I feel likethat's a good sign.
Not ever feeling jealous orinsecure or questioning how they
feel about you.
They're affectionate, they'renot withholding.
You feel comforted and safe andthat was so attractive to me
(10:16):
because it was just so differentfrom my previous relationship.
I was just like, wow, this guyis totally comfortable with
intimacy, affection, isn'tpulling away when I get close to
him.
It was just so nice andrefreshing.
If you do lean anxious, you canheal your attachment style by
being with a secure partner.
(10:36):
If someone is secure and they'renot triggering these tendencies,
you're able to heal yourpatterning.
Doing your own work is importanttoo, but I think you really can
heal and grow a lot inpartnership.
When it comes to dating, I feellike now when I'm thinking of
attraction, it's not so much amI attracted to this person?
(10:57):
It's are they good for mynervous system?
Are they compatible with myattachment style?
If someone has avoidanttendencies, like they're
inconsistent, they arewithdrawing or whatever.
I don't find that attractive.
That gives me the ick.
I think before, if someone wasmaybe more avoidant, that would
(11:20):
trigger these anxious tendenciesin me and it would make me try
harder and almost like chasethat affection, and now I just
am like, ew, I'm bored.
You should be bored.
That's when you know you'rehealing and you're starting to
be able to regulate your ownemotions and regulate your own
nervous system.
You're not outsourcing that tosomeone else and you're not
giving up your power to someoneelse.
(11:41):
How someone behaves isn't gonnadictate how you feel.
A lot of the work I've done hasbeen about being a grounded,
peaceful place for myself tocome home to.
Never giving that away tosomeone else is just good in
general.
You never wanna be in a positionwhere your peace is dependent on
(12:02):
someone else and how theybehave.
Secure love feels calm, it feelshonest, and it feels stable.
There's no guessing, no playingroles, no walking on eggshells.
It's not this constantrollercoaster of emotion.
It's actually quiet, but in thebest way.
It just feels peaceful.
If you're not used to this, youmight feel bored or there's not
(12:24):
that spark, but it's notsupposed to feel like
butterflies, it's supposed tofeel like calming energy, like a
warm, safe hug.
Being around this guy's energyjust felt so comforting.
I literally was able to justfall asleep.
I was just like, wow, I'm safe.
I'm at peace.
Love this.
This is amazing.
(12:44):
And also too, as a woman,whether you want kids or not,
you have to think about it inthis way.
If you have an avoidant partnerand he's avoidant with you, he's
gonna be avoidant with yourkids.
If he can't text you back or heis inconsistent with you, he's
gonna be inconsistent with yourkids.
My attraction towards partnersnow and the selection process is
just completely different now.
(13:05):
Completely different.
I love how much I've grown.
I can see it in real time by thepartners that I'm choosing and
how they move and how they carrythemselves and how I feel around
them.
Honestly, the first sign ofinconsistency or avoidant
tendencies and I'm like, I'mgood.
I'm good on this.
You're obviously not my husbandnext.
Sometimes you just need to sayew and just be like they move
(13:27):
funny or they're weird for thatand move on.
No.
If you're not used to being in asecure relationship or with a
secure person, it might feeluncomfortable if you're used to
chaos, but once your nervoussystem learns to trust it, it
definitely starts to feel likehome.
The energy is just so different.
As a woman you're able to be inyour feminine energy, you're
(13:49):
able to be your softest self,and that's where we like to be,
and that's where men are themost attracted to us.
It's really a win-win, honestly.
That's the real glow up, whenyour nervous system finally
stops craving chaos and startscraving peace.
Be your own peace, of course,but if anyone is disrupting my
peace, next.
If you're in that in betweenphase where you're learning to
(14:12):
unhook from old patterns whereyou haven't fully stepped into
this new one yet, give yourselfgrace because it does take time.
I'm not saying you have to takea break from dating or you have
to be celibate, but honestly, Ifeel like celibacy is a glow up
in itself.
You're not constantly taking onenergies of other people and
you're able to fully just focuson yourself, especially as being
(14:36):
a woman.
Men are literally transferringtheir energy to you when you're
intimate, and so if you aredysregulated and you don't have
a great handle on yourself andyour boundaries and you're still
outsourcing your peace, it justmakes it that much harder.
Don't make it harder foryourself.
(14:56):
I definitely would recommend,and I'm not saying you need to
be celibate forever, but Ireally do think that it really
helped me level up in dating andI feel like I am so much more
confident and so much moresecure than I was before.
When you are ready to putyourself back out there, you're
(15:17):
gonna be a way better version ofyourself.
When you are healing, if you'redating, you're not gonna attract
the partner that you want.
Trust me.
When I was in probably one ofthe lowest places, the partner I
attracted at the time, terrible.
Learned a lot of lessons forsure, but now that I'm in this
(15:38):
healed, elevated, place moresecure place, I definitely am
attracting a much higher caliberof partner.
They're definitely more secure.
They're honestly all around somuch better, and I love that I
am cultivating way betterconnections now.
(16:00):
It just shows me how much I'vegrown and it's just exciting to
see that the more that I heal,the more and more secure that I
become, the better connections,the better partners I'm going to
attract.
Instead of outsourcing orlooking for someone to regulate
you, be that person for you andground yourself.
Be that peace in yourself, showup for yourself first, heal and
(16:22):
become secure in yourself andthen you're gonna attract
someone you couldn't evenimagined.
If you are going through this,just know that you're not broken
for missing the highs.
You're healing from mistakinginstability for passion.
The more you self-regulate, themore you'll start attracting
people who feel safe, calm, andconsistent, because that's the
(16:43):
energy you're anchored in now.
It's gonna be so worth it and sonice when you're not even
attracted to the chaos anymore.
You will start to clock it whensomeone is out of pocket or
triggering old patterns.
You'll see it coming and you'lljust get the ick.
You'll be like, Ugh.
You won't even find thatattractive.
(17:04):
You'll just be like, Ew.
Absolutely not.
If you wanna dive deeper intothis and start healing from the
inside out, I actually made alittle workbook for you guys.
And honestly, whenever I amstruggling with something, these
are the kind of things that helpme, and there's little journal
prompts in it, and there's a lotof information.
(17:28):
I also love the book Attached.
If you haven't read it, itexplains attachment styles on a
deeper level and helps youunderstand the dynamics and the
physiology at play.
It really helps you giveyourself grace for patterns or
loops that you've been stuck inbecause it's really not a
conscious thing.
(17:48):
This is a subconscious thingthat until you're aware of it,
you're really controlled by it,unfortunately, in a lot of
cases.
It talks about how when you'rewith a partner physiologically,
you two start to sync up.
Your nervous systems literallysync up.
Being close to your partnerliterally regulates your blood
(18:10):
pressure and vice versa, and sowhen people say oh, you're
codependent, you physiologicallybecome codependent on each
other.
Understanding these attachmentstyles is so important because
there is a physiologicalcomponent, but understanding how
to be secure can help youregulate and find that peace in
(18:31):
yourself so that you're able tohave more autonomy over your
relationships, over yourpatterns, over dynamics at play,
so that you're not just stuck inthese subconscious loops and
patterns and you're able to findsecure, healthy love.
The more I've learned aboutthis, the more I feel validated,
(18:55):
and I feel a lot of love andcompassion for who I used to be.
I didn't know these things and Iwas just aimlessly, repeating
patterns and unhealthy dynamicsand I just couldn't understand
the issue.
It wasn't something that I wasdoing, it was just me and that
person are just never gonna becompatible.
When it comes to anxious andavoidant dynamics, at the end of
(19:19):
the day, I'm not saying that ifyou're with an avoidant person
and you tend to be anxious, oreven if you're secure that you
shouldn't be with that person oryou shouldn't try to work it
out, but you as the anxiousperson or the secure person, you
will always be makingconcessions for the other
partner.
Think about if that's thedynamic you want for the rest of
your life, honestly.
For me personally, no.
(19:40):
I'm not gonna be the one thatalways has to compromise in
order to make the relationshipwork.
I'd rather just be with apartner that's secure.
You'll just have a way betterunderstanding of your own
patterning and how to be in ahealthy relationship and how to
be happier and more fulfilled inyour relationships, and if you
(20:02):
haven't been, maybe this willshed some light on why that is.
If this resonated for you shareit with a friend who's
struggling with somethingsimilar or a friend that it
might help.
You're not crazy for wantinglove to feel peaceful.
You're learning what real lovefeels like because chaos is not
chemistry and doing all theemotional labor in a
(20:25):
relationship in order to make itwork is never going to have you
feeling fulfilled orappreciated.
I hope this episode was helpful.
I definitely wanna talk moreabout this topic and make some
more tools for you guys, for thepeople that wanna dive deeper.
And I will talk to you guys nexttime.
(20:46):
Bye.
Love you.
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that Sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hi friends.
Welcome back to BecomingSunshine.
I feel like I've talked aboutthis on previous episodes, but I
really do feel like taking thisyear basically to not date and
be celibate, and now I'm finallyputting myself back out there.
(00:44):
I feel like the way I amoperating and the way I am
moving when it comes to datingis completely different.
I've learned so much about myrelationship patterns and why I
used to be stuck in these loopsor date the same kind of people
or be in the same types ofdynamics.
(01:05):
I've learned a lot aboutattachment styles and trauma
bonds, and I feel like theyreally go hand in hand.
Once you realize this, I feellike it's so easy to spot.
I know everyone was watchingLove Is Blind, the most recent
season on Netflix and I'vewatched it before.
I watched older seasons.
I don't know if it's just thisparticular season or if I've
just grown and now I recognizethese dynamics more, but I
(01:31):
literally had to turn it off.
I was getting the ick so badbecause I feel like it is a
social experiment, but it's notabout finding love or if love is
blind, it's literally a socialexperiment about attachment
styles and I think you have tobe anxious to be cast for the
show.
I don't think they want secure,healthy people on the show
(01:54):
because that's not gonna makegood tv.
I digress anyways, if you haveever fallen into the pattern of
the push pull, emotionalrollercoaster or felt that a
relationship was boring, ifthere wasn't the chaos and the
drama.
Chaos is not to be confused withattraction and chemistry.
It's just a dysregulated nervoussystem and it's not just about
(02:18):
childhood dynamics, it's lifeexperience too.
It's not just something wedeveloped when we were young and
we're just doomed.
And also too, even if you dohave an insecure attachment
style, if you're avoidant or ifyou're anxious, or you could be
a combination too, disorganized.
You can become secure, but youdo have to work at it.
Also, being with a securepartner can help you become
(02:40):
secure.
Let's get into attachmentstyles, so secure attachment is
you're able to self-regulate,you don't outsource your peace
to someone else.
Insecure attachment style iseither anxious, avoidant or
disorganized, which is acombination of the two.
An avoidant attachment style isthey value independence, but
it's a hyper independence.
(03:01):
They don't feel like they canrely on other people, so they
just wanna do everythingthemselves, in a toxic way, and
they pull away when things getemotionally intense.
They have intimacy issues andthey go into the same things
that an anxious person doesphysiologically, but they don't
(03:21):
outwardly express that.
They shove it down, and that canmanifest in the body as a lot of
inflammation, it's definitelynot good.
The anxious person tends tocrave closeness and fears
rejection and abandonment.
Unfortunately these peopleusually end up attracting each
other because secure peopleusually don't wanna be with
anxious or avoidant people.
(03:44):
Also too secure people tend tostay in relationships more
often.
They're just not in the datingpool as often, unfortunately.
So there's just more anxious andavoidant people running around.
When these two get together, theanxious chaser and the avoidant
distancer, that's when a traumabond is easily ignited.
(04:06):
The anxious person's nervoussystem goes into panic when the
avoidant withdraws and theavoidant feels suffocated by the
anxious person's intensity, andso they pull back more.
This creates the highs and lows,which releases dopamine.
That's why you get so addictedto these really toxic cycles and
why you get stuck in theserelationship patterns.
(04:27):
It's literally a chemicalimbalance in your brain, it's
like you're withdrawing a drug.
So even if you're miserable,you're desperate for that hit of
dopamine to feel secure again,and for your attachment object,
usually the avoidant person, togive you that feeling of secure
(04:48):
and safety.
It's really outsourcing yourpeace to someone else and not
being able to emotionallyregulate.
You're dependent on theirresponse and how they
communicate with you and howthey show up for you, it's not a
good situation.
A lot of times people confusethat for love and passion, when
(05:08):
really it's just nervous systemdysregulation.
I've definitely been there forsure.
For me it looked like beingconstantly anxious, trying to
fix, trying to please, trying tomake the relationship feel safe
when it never was.
I just kept thinking if Icommunicated better, or if I
loved him more, or I lovedharder it would change
(05:31):
everything, but all it reallydid was keep my body in fight or
flight, which is so toxic.
Especially for me, my cortisollevels all over the place is
literally one of my root causesfor my autoimmune disease.
I look back at pictures ofmyself when I was in this really
toxic relationship and you couldjust see it in my face.
The life was drained outta myface, I just looked like my
(05:53):
light was stolen.
I literally was with this energyvampire, and I just looked
drained and hollow and yeahdepleted.
Depleted is the right word.
I was at work and I hadn't beento this particular club in nine
months or so, and I saw thisgirl I hadn't seen in a while
and she was like, oh my God, youlook so different.
And I hadn't done anything.
I hadn't gotten any procedures.
(06:14):
I hadn't gained or lost a bunchof weight or anything.
I literally just was healing.
And she was like, you just lookso different, like in a good
way.
You get your glow back.
I feel like we've seen thattrend on TikTok and social media
where it's like a picture of thegirl before and a girl after, or
a person before or after areally toxic relationship, and
(06:36):
the text overlay is like, whatdo you mean they drained the
life outta you?
it just shows how these toxicrelationships literally drain
the life out of you and you justlook like a shell of who you
used to be.
And then I also love too whengirls get their glow back and
yeah, it's just amazing.
The glow up that happens whenpeople get out of toxic
relationships.
(06:57):
It's really an internal glow andthen it just radiates out of you
and you just look like, yeah,it's just crazy.
It's crazy what cortisol can do,and also just with stress and
constantly being in fight orflight can do, literally causes
disease, inflammation and itmakes you ugly.
That man, that mid man is makingyou ugly.
(07:18):
No, let him go.
If you've ever thought, why am Iso drawn to this person, even
though I know it's not healthy,it's probably attachment
chemistry at play.
A lot of the people listening tothis podcast probably lean a
little bit more anxious.
I'm an anxious girl myself.
I've definitely done a lot ofwork and I can feel and see in
real time now that I'm datingagain how I'm moving differently
(07:39):
or if I'm triggered, or oldpatterns starting to come up.
Anything that pulls you outtacharacter, it's gotta go.
I am not this insecure person.
I don't compete with otherwomen.
I don't feel jealous.
if a man is making you feel likeyou have to worry about another
(08:00):
girl or making you feel insecureor making you question
everything, and rethinking whatyou did or what you said and if
you had done this differently orthat or whatever, it's like no,
no, no, no, no.
At the end of the day, the manthat is for you and the man that
is right for you, there'snothing that you're gonna do or
(08:20):
say differently that's gonnamake him like you or not like
you more or less.
So if you're ruminating or beinganxious or worrying about these
things, that's probably not ahealthy dynamic.
Think of the version of you inthis relationship.
You don't wanna be this anxiousperson.
You don't wanna be secondguessing things that you did or
said or hyper fixating on thingsthat don't matter.
(08:40):
You wanna just be able to livein peace and anything that pulls
you outta character and makesyou this version of yourself
that you don't wanna be, It'sgotta go.
That's not just for dating,that's anything in general, like
friendships, jobs, anything thatpulls you outta character.
Anything that makes you aversion of yourself that is not
aligned, isn't who you reallyare, isn't who you wanna be.
(09:03):
Nah gotta go.
Nothing that's meant for you isever gonna pull you outta
character.
So what does secure love feellike?
Now that I'm attracting securepartners, I can see the
difference so clearly.
For example I recently wasseeing this guy and it was just
so refreshing and nice to bearound him because he just felt
(09:28):
like such a safe space.
He had daddy energy because Ifelt like I was able to be my
softest, most submissive self.
I just felt so safe and caredfor and not anxious at all.
I remember one of the firsttimes we were hanging out, I
fell asleep and I feel like Iwouldn't just fall asleep when
(09:51):
I'm with a guy, and it's mynervous system felt so safe I
was able to rest and relax.
If you feel like you're able tojust be like jello, just soft
and ushy gushy, I feel likethat's a good sign.
Not ever feeling jealous orinsecure or questioning how they
feel about you.
They're affectionate, they'renot withholding.
You feel comforted and safe andthat was so attractive to me
(10:16):
because it was just so differentfrom my previous relationship.
I was just like, wow, this guyis totally comfortable with
intimacy, affection, isn'tpulling away when I get close to
him.
It was just so nice andrefreshing.
If you do lean anxious, you canheal your attachment style by
being with a secure partner.
(10:36):
If someone is secure and they'renot triggering these tendencies,
you're able to heal yourpatterning.
Doing your own work is importanttoo, but I think you really can
heal and grow a lot inpartnership.
When it comes to dating, I feellike now when I'm thinking of
attraction, it's not so much amI attracted to this person?
(10:57):
It's are they good for mynervous system?
Are they compatible with myattachment style?
If someone has avoidanttendencies, like they're
inconsistent, they arewithdrawing or whatever.
I don't find that attractive.
That gives me the ick.
I think before, if someone wasmaybe more avoidant, that would
(11:20):
trigger these anxious tendenciesin me and it would make me try
harder and almost like chasethat affection, and now I just
am like, ew, I'm bored.
You should be bored.
That's when you know you'rehealing and you're starting to
be able to regulate your ownemotions and regulate your own
nervous system.
You're not outsourcing that tosomeone else and you're not
giving up your power to someoneelse.
(11:41):
How someone behaves isn't gonnadictate how you feel.
A lot of the work I've done hasbeen about being a grounded,
peaceful place for myself tocome home to.
Never giving that away tosomeone else is just good in
general.
You never wanna be in a positionwhere your peace is dependent on
(12:02):
someone else and how theybehave.
Secure love feels calm, it feelshonest, and it feels stable.
There's no guessing, no playingroles, no walking on eggshells.
It's not this constantrollercoaster of emotion.
It's actually quiet, but in thebest way.
It just feels peaceful.
If you're not used to this, youmight feel bored or there's not
(12:24):
that spark, but it's notsupposed to feel like
butterflies, it's supposed tofeel like calming energy, like a
warm, safe hug.
Being around this guy's energyjust felt so comforting.
I literally was able to justfall asleep.
I was just like, wow, I'm safe.
I'm at peace.
Love this.
This is amazing.
(12:44):
And also too, as a woman,whether you want kids or not,
you have to think about it inthis way.
If you have an avoidant partnerand he's avoidant with you, he's
gonna be avoidant with yourkids.
If he can't text you back or heis inconsistent with you, he's
gonna be inconsistent with yourkids.
My attraction towards partnersnow and the selection process is
just completely different now.
(13:05):
Completely different.
I love how much I've grown.
I can see it in real time by thepartners that I'm choosing and
how they move and how they carrythemselves and how I feel around
them.
Honestly, the first sign ofinconsistency or avoidant
tendencies and I'm like, I'mgood.
I'm good on this.
You're obviously not my husbandnext.
Sometimes you just need to sayew and just be like they move
(13:27):
funny or they're weird for thatand move on.
No.
If you're not used to being in asecure relationship or with a
secure person, it might feeluncomfortable if you're used to
chaos, but once your nervoussystem learns to trust it, it
definitely starts to feel likehome.
The energy is just so different.
As a woman you're able to be inyour feminine energy, you're
(13:49):
able to be your softest self,and that's where we like to be,
and that's where men are themost attracted to us.
It's really a win-win, honestly.
That's the real glow up, whenyour nervous system finally
stops craving chaos and startscraving peace.
Be your own peace, of course,but if anyone is disrupting my
peace, next.
If you're in that in betweenphase where you're learning to
(14:12):
unhook from old patterns whereyou haven't fully stepped into
this new one yet, give yourselfgrace because it does take time.
I'm not saying you have to takea break from dating or you have
to be celibate, but honestly, Ifeel like celibacy is a glow up
in itself.
You're not constantly taking onenergies of other people and
you're able to fully just focuson yourself, especially as being
(14:36):
a woman.
Men are literally transferringtheir energy to you when you're
intimate, and so if you aredysregulated and you don't have
a great handle on yourself andyour boundaries and you're still
outsourcing your peace, it justmakes it that much harder.
Don't make it harder foryourself.
(14:56):
I definitely would recommend,and I'm not saying you need to
be celibate forever, but Ireally do think that it really
helped me level up in dating andI feel like I am so much more
confident and so much moresecure than I was before.
When you are ready to putyourself back out there, you're
(15:17):
gonna be a way better version ofyourself.
When you are healing, if you'redating, you're not gonna attract
the partner that you want.
Trust me.
When I was in probably one ofthe lowest places, the partner I
attracted at the time, terrible.
Learned a lot of lessons forsure, but now that I'm in this
(15:38):
healed, elevated, place moresecure place, I definitely am
attracting a much higher caliberof partner.
They're definitely more secure.
They're honestly all around somuch better, and I love that I
am cultivating way betterconnections now.
(16:00):
It just shows me how much I'vegrown and it's just exciting to
see that the more that I heal,the more and more secure that I
become, the better connections,the better partners I'm going to
attract.
Instead of outsourcing orlooking for someone to regulate
you, be that person for you andground yourself.
Be that peace in yourself, showup for yourself first, heal and
(16:22):
become secure in yourself andthen you're gonna attract
someone you couldn't evenimagined.
If you are going through this,just know that you're not broken
for missing the highs.
You're healing from mistakinginstability for passion.
The more you self-regulate, themore you'll start attracting
people who feel safe, calm, andconsistent, because that's the
(16:43):
energy you're anchored in now.
It's gonna be so worth it and sonice when you're not even
attracted to the chaos anymore.
You will start to clock it whensomeone is out of pocket or
triggering old patterns.
You'll see it coming and you'lljust get the ick.
You'll be like, Ugh.
You won't even find thatattractive.
(17:04):
You'll just be like, Ew.
Absolutely not.
If you wanna dive deeper intothis and start healing from the
inside out, I actually made alittle workbook for you guys.
And honestly, whenever I amstruggling with something, these
are the kind of things that helpme, and there's little journal
prompts in it, and there's a lotof information.
(17:28):
I also love the book Attached.
If you haven't read it, itexplains attachment styles on a
deeper level and helps youunderstand the dynamics and the
physiology at play.
It really helps you giveyourself grace for patterns or
loops that you've been stuck inbecause it's really not a
conscious thing.
(17:48):
This is a subconscious thingthat until you're aware of it,
you're really controlled by it,unfortunately, in a lot of
cases.
It talks about how when you'rewith a partner physiologically,
you two start to sync up.
Your nervous systems literallysync up.
Being close to your partnerliterally regulates your blood
(18:10):
pressure and vice versa, and sowhen people say oh, you're
codependent, you physiologicallybecome codependent on each
other.
Understanding these attachmentstyles is so important because
there is a physiologicalcomponent, but understanding how
to be secure can help youregulate and find that peace in
(18:31):
yourself so that you're able tohave more autonomy over your
relationships, over yourpatterns, over dynamics at play,
so that you're not just stuck inthese subconscious loops and
patterns and you're able to findsecure, healthy love.
The more I've learned aboutthis, the more I feel validated,
(18:55):
and I feel a lot of love andcompassion for who I used to be.
I didn't know these things and Iwas just aimlessly, repeating
patterns and unhealthy dynamicsand I just couldn't understand
the issue.
It wasn't something that I wasdoing, it was just me and that
person are just never gonna becompatible.
When it comes to anxious andavoidant dynamics, at the end of
(19:19):
the day, I'm not saying that ifyou're with an avoidant person
and you tend to be anxious, oreven if you're secure that you
shouldn't be with that person oryou shouldn't try to work it
out, but you as the anxiousperson or the secure person, you
will always be makingconcessions for the other
partner.
Think about if that's thedynamic you want for the rest of
your life, honestly.
For me personally, no.
(19:40):
I'm not gonna be the one thatalways has to compromise in
order to make the relationshipwork.
I'd rather just be with apartner that's secure.
You'll just have a way betterunderstanding of your own
patterning and how to be in ahealthy relationship and how to
be happier and more fulfilled inyour relationships, and if you
(20:02):
haven't been, maybe this willshed some light on why that is.
If this resonated for you shareit with a friend who's
struggling with somethingsimilar or a friend that it
might help.
You're not crazy for wantinglove to feel peaceful.
You're learning what real lovefeels like because chaos is not
chemistry and doing all theemotional labor in a
(20:25):
relationship in order to make itwork is never going to have you
feeling fulfilled orappreciated.
I hope this episode was helpful.
I definitely wanna talk moreabout this topic and make some
more tools for you guys, for thepeople that wanna dive deeper.
And I will talk to you guys nexttime.
(20:46):
Bye.
Love you.
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