June 27, 2024 • 22 mins
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In this episode of 'Becoming Sunshine,' Madeline discusses the significance of self-worth and high standards in relationships. She shares insights from her spiritual work, emphasizing the importance of not settling and recognizing when to let go of unfulfilling relationships. Madeline explains the role of the primal and limbic brain in relationship patterns, the impact of childhood trauma on adult relationships, and the necessity of deep work like meditation and shadow work for reprogramming subconscious beliefs. She highlights the power of self-soothing, the benefits of maintaining strong friendships, and the value of aligning romantic relationships with the quality of platonic ones. To wrap up, she encourages enjoying the dating journey while waiting for the right partner to come along. The episode also touches on various tools for self-care, such as journaling, yoga, and flower essences.
Chapter Markers
00:00 Introduction: Stand in Your Worth
00:30 Welcome to Becoming Sunshine
00:55 Running into the Fire: Embracing Lessons
03:55 Understanding Trauma Bonds
05:26 Reprogramming Subconscious Beliefs
07:36 Healing Through Spiritual Practices
08:14 The Power of Flower Essences
09:16 The Importance of Friendships
11:41 High Standards in Romantic Relationships
12:25 Self-Soothing and Grounding
14:12 Choosing the Right Partner
20:14 The Train Analogy: Enjoying the Journey
22:15 Conclusion: Thanks for Listening
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All content of the Becoming Sunshine Podcast reflects my own personal opinion at the time it was spoken and may be subject to change. NOTHING I say on this channel should be taken as legal, financial, safety, health, fitness, nutrition, mental health, or investment advice. Please seek out the guidance of professionally trained and licensed individuals before making any decisions.
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Thanks so much for l
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Madeline (00:00):
The only way men are going to learn is if we teach
(00:03):
them.
So stand in your worth, don'tsettle, and don't put up with
bullshit because you don't needto because he's on the way and
the one for you is on the wayand whenever you are dating,
just ask yourself, does he makeme feel like a priority?
Does he stand in his integrity?
Do we have the same values?
(00:24):
Stuff like that, that's thestuff that matters and that's
the stuff that's importantWelcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self andthat's what this podcast is
(00:45):
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me,I'm excited.
Hey guys, it's Madeline, sotoday I want to talk about
something that I have a lot ofpersonal experience with.
I do this spiritual work, theTBM work.
(01:05):
I don't know if you guys arefamiliar, but some of the
terminology that they use in theprogram is running into the fire
and this can mean so manydifferent things.
It sounds like somethinghorrible, like running into
fire, it doesn't sound good, andit's not always good, but it's
necessary, and they don't shameyou for it, they're like, hey
girl, if you need to figure thisout the hard way one more time,
(01:28):
if you're not ready to jump offthis cliff, if you need to run
into the fire, you're not readyto one more time, two more
times, ten more times, you gofor it.
We need to figure out lessonssometimes when we're ready and
sometimes we learn the samelesson over and over until we
finally get it.
basically what they say is it'sokay to run into the fire as
many times as you need and forme, I feel like sometimes that
(01:53):
happens a lot in relationships.
I am a lover girl and I don'tthink I'm alone in this.
I think a lot of people probablydo this, but I do think it's
important to realize when it istime to let go and when a
relationship is not serving youanymore I feel like I always try
to see the best in people.
(02:14):
I'm very empathic.
I like to overanalyze situationslike many people I'm sure I
always try to put myself intheir shoes and I'm not always
trying to justify someone'sbehavior, but I am trying to
understand it and I thinksometimes I can be a little bit
too understanding at thedetriment of myself.
(02:35):
and when I think about it, Ihave such a high standard when
it comes to bringing anyone newinto my life, whether that's
romantic relationships orfriendships, I hold such a high
standard for myself and I'mquick to cut anyone new off if
they don't make the cut which Ithink is important It's
(02:57):
important to have high standardsfor yourself but then it's
interesting because people thathave been in my life for years
and this isn't true for everyonebut for certain people I seem to
have a soft spot for and I don'tseem to hold them to the same
standard as I hold everyone elseand It's interesting because I
(03:22):
would never let someone new comeinto my life and disrespect me I
would never let someone new comeinto my life and talk to me ugly
so why would I not hold thatsame standard for somebody that
should know better someone thathas known me for years.
I think and maybe this is myTaurus moon but I think
(03:42):
sometimes we get reallycomfortable in what's familiar
myself in particular and It'seasier I guess or there's a lot
of comfort in what's familiar tous, I've learned a little bit
about trauma bonding and I lovelearning more about
(04:02):
interpersonal relationships andhow we engage with each other
and our patterning There's a lotof research about how we
continuously will date the sameperson over and over again and
they have a different skin suit,but it's the same problems in
the relationship or the samethemes keep coming up.
(04:26):
It's always the unavailableperson, the emotionally
unavailable person, it's theperson that can't commit, it's
et cetera, et cetera, x, y, zand basically what the research
says is that we willcontinuously recreate scenarios
that mimic our earliestchildhood experiences and
(04:47):
relationships with our earlycaretakers to try to heal these
childhood traumas that we haveand so oftentimes it's not this
like incredible connection thatyou guys have.
It's literally just a traumabond.
So I think understanding alittle bit about neurobiology
(05:10):
can help us understand why thishappens a little bit better.
So you feel this attachment tothis person mostly because of
your primal brain and yourlimbic system.
those two parts of the brainreally come into play here.
so early in childhood when weweren't receiving something from
(05:30):
our primary caretaker that wasimprinted on our subconscious
and our nervous system early inlife and the subconscious parts
of the brain are really thelimbic system and the primal
brain or the croc brain somepeople call it and we don't have
a lot of control over this partof the brain, and really the
(05:50):
only way to reprogram oursubconscious beliefs is to do
the deep work on ourselves.
Just having the consciousthought like, hey, this person
is not healthy for me, thisperson isn't good for me, which
is the neocortex part of thebrain, really isn't enough to
change our patterning and ourbehavior.
The primal brain and the limbicsystem kind of work together in
(06:14):
our subconscious mind theycontrol our behaviors, our
actions, our emotions stuff thatwas imprinted in early childhood
is deeply programmed into thispart of the brain and into our
nervous system.
You might know this person isn'taligned.
This isn't right for you but inorder to really change these
(06:34):
patterns and this behavior, youreally need to reprogram your
subconscious beliefs and reallythe only way to do this is by
using these tools of like deepmeditation and shadow work it
takes a lot of work.
It takes a lot of work onyourselves and you can do this
in therapy.
You can do this throughmeditation.
I personally love the to bemagnetic work.
(06:56):
It's helped me unblock a lot ofshadow, reprogram a lot of
limiting beliefs that I've hadand even just bring awareness to
this patterning.
I think being aware is the firststep and It's really easy to
justify behavior and stuff ifyou're not really conscious of
what's actually going on, likethe deeper components.
(07:19):
I think it's also important tobe able to self soothe and
ground yourself.
I think for a long time,personally, I felt emotionally
dependent or like I needed thisperson to help soothe my nervous
system, even though they weren'tright for me and I think getting
back to my own spiritualpractice to help me get in tune
(07:41):
with myself, again, is reallyhelpful.
I really love the TBM work.
I also love to do TranscendentalMeditation every morning.
It's changed my life,journaling, plant medicine
making time for self care andgetting back into my body
through yoga, intuitivemovement, going for walks every
(08:03):
day, self pleasure practices,grounding, taking different
herbs and tinctures.
I really love flower essences.
I've taken a few different ones.
For those of you that don't knowabout flower essences, they're
these little tinctures that youtake, and it's just a few drops
every day, and the differentflower combinations are actually
(08:25):
able to help reprogram yourbrain and help you think
differently.
It's actually really incredible.
There's ones that can help youwhen you're grieving.
There's ones that can help youunblock limiting beliefs.
There's ones that can just helpyou feel more supported and
healthier.
There's ones that can help withbeauty and anti aging.
(08:48):
There's ones that can help youfeel grounded when you're
feeling anxious.
There's even ones that you cangive your children and pets.
Flower essences can work onanybody and they're so powerful
and they're so healthy they comefrom the earth I'm happy that
plant medicine is becoming moremainstream but it's incredible
there's so much magic andmedicine on this earth that is
(09:10):
there for us to use and there'sso much in nature that can heal
our bodies and heal our minds.
I feel like, too, just makingmore time for your hobbies and
your passions and getting intoyour inner child and like what
brings you joy.
I think as an adult we get socaught up in our
responsibilities that we forgetto just have fun, be silly,
(09:31):
dance more spend more time withfriends and not just like going
out drinking but like justspending time talking and having
fun and doing silly thingstogether and it's so refreshing
the other night I went out witha girlfriend and we just sat on
the couch of this restaurant andwe're talking for hours and it
(09:51):
was so nice connecting and we'vebeen friends for years but I
feel like we just got so muchdeeper in our relationship and
our friendship and having thosecore memories and moments with
your friends is so valuable andso helpful, especially when we
feel disconnected fromourselves, and as an introvert I
(10:12):
definitely sometimes need totake more space for myself, but
then when I do meet up withaligned friends and take time
when I have the energy to spendwith my friends, I always feel
lit up by them and It's soimportant to have people around
you that light you up, and thatyou feel aligned with and that
(10:34):
you can grow with I think areally good way to think about
my romantic relationships movingforward, is to compare them to
my platonic friendships.
I have some of the bestfriendships with different women
and men, mostly women and I feelso blessed and grateful.
We have the best time going todinner, going to workout
(10:57):
classes, going on trips, andwhen I think about it, why don't
I compare my romanticrelationships to my friendships?
I hold my friendships to such ahigh standard.
The men I date should be atleast held to that, at least to
that high of a standard.
I have such a good time atdinner with my girlfriends.
If I'm not gonna have that goodof a time with a man, why would
(11:20):
I go out with him?
Why would I go on a date with aman if I would have a better
time with my girlfriends?
Why would I make space forsomeone in my life If I'm going
to go out with anyone, it shouldbe someone I'm having the same
kind of great time as I wouldwith my friendships.
If I'd have a better time atdinner with my girlfriends, why
would I go on a date with thisman?
(11:41):
That doesn't make sense and theway the women in my life show up
for me, the way they take careof me when I'm sick, when I'm
sad, when I need a shoulder tocry on, when I need to have the
biggest, deepest belly laughcomparing our romantic
relationships to our friendshipsand making sure they serve us
just as much, if not more, is soimportant and I don't know if
(12:04):
this is something that everyoneknows but I just had this
realization and it's crazy ifyou think about it like of
course they should be just asgood as my friends and just as
supportive and just as loving ifnot why would I date them?
Why would I consider them apotential partner?
Why would I want to start afamily with them?
No brainer, and I think beingable to self soothe and ground
(12:29):
in yourself is so important Ithink personally I used to think
that I was being comforted bysomeone when really I was just
disassociating when I was withthem and I think being aware of
that is super important and Ifeel like I held on to this
connection so much for so manyreasons that really had nothing
(12:53):
to do with him, and with my ownstuff that I needed to heal and
I think doing somatic healingand breath work and tapping and
yoga and just other things thathelp you get into your body are
so helpful because there's somuch trauma and memories and
stuff that's stored in the bodyand releasing that is so
(13:14):
important and tapping into thatis so important.
There's a book the body keepsthe score.
That's very interesting.
It's all about this kind ofthing and it talks about how
trauma is stored in the body andhow it can manifest in different
ways and It can be in yourrelationships, it can be through
disease, it's really interestingand for someone who has had
(13:38):
disease manifest in their bodybecause of, trauma and other
things I've just seen firsthandhow important it is to be in
tune with yourself be livingfrom a healed space and choosing
relationships from a healedspace and when I do decide to
date or engage with a man, It'sreally important to consider
(14:02):
what kind of man this is and I'mnot perfect I don't pretend to
be perfect but the kind of manthat and this is probably not
true for everybody.
I'm currently trying to datemore seriously now I'm a little
bit older and I just don't havethe energy to casually date.
I think there was a time in mylife if I'm being honest with
(14:24):
myself I feel like the onlyreason why I was into casually
dating was because I wasunhealed and I wasn't
emotionally available and so itseemed like a safer option, and
maybe this is like acontroversial opinion, but I
think If you're coming from ahealed space, like, why would
you give your energy to someonewho can't reciprocate it in the
(14:45):
fullest way?
I don't know if that makessense, but anyways, the man that
I choose to date now is notgonna be someone who is engaging
with other women, online oroffline.
I want to be with a man thatchooses me and wants to be with
me.
Not someone that's liking abunch of girls pictures or
(15:08):
following hundreds of half nakedwomen or asking out like a bunch
of women and going on threedifferent dates a week with
different women.
I want to be with someone thatchooses me and I've met guys
that have tried to date some ofthe other girls in my friend
group and I don't blame them.
They're all beautiful, amazingwomen but I think all of our
(15:31):
personalities are vastlydifferent, and so for them to be
interested in them and me, it'slike, are they really choosing
me, or are they okay with any ofus interchangeably?
and that's just not a partner Iwould ever choose.
I would never choose someone whodoesn't choose me.
(15:51):
I've done it in the past andI've learned from those
experiences, even if I have towait for the rest of my life for
the right partner.
I want someone that chooses meand loves me and my personality
and my soul and wouldn't behappy with any of my friends
interchangeably or any girl thatlooks somewhat like me or their
(16:12):
type or whatever and I thinkthat comes with a certain level
of healing too and also justlike desperation and being of a
certain age and ready to settledown, but there's technology now
I can wait they can wait I'vejust come to realize that it's
good to put yourself out there,but It's good also to cut them
(16:33):
off onto the next when yourealize they're not for you
because the longer you entertainsomething that's not for you or
someone that's not for you, thelonger you postpone what is and
sometimes it's hard sometimes,you feel lonely or it's nice to
have someone or you don't reallyfeel like you're settling, but
for me personally I can't seeanyone else when I am with
(16:57):
someone even if it's not exactlywhat I want I'm not open to
receiving other people and I'mblocked energetically from other
energies and other men.
So even if you don't thinkyou're settling and doing a
disservice to yourself, you'reblocking yourself and cutting
yourself off from manifestationsand people that would much
(17:22):
better serve you and are muchmore aligned and it took me a
really long time to accept this.
I've known this for a long time,but practicing what you preach
is very hard, and it all goesback to what I'm saying.
It's not just about yourconscious thoughts.
It's about reprogramming yoursubconscious beliefs and
(17:44):
reprogramming your nervoussystem and utilizing these tools
and it takes time.
It takes time and I'm notperfect, I'm still working at
it.
I'm proud of myself for walkingaway from situations that
weren't right for me.
I probably stayed way too long,but who hasn't?
I think it's okay to go todinner.
I think we shouldn't shutourselves out, and we should be
(18:04):
open to new experiences and it'sokay to just go to dinner.
I've had people give me thisadvice.
They're like, just go to dinner,just go on the date.
If it seems like he's a niceguy.
He has some of the things you'relooking for give him a chance
but if they're not the onethey're not the one and you
don't need to stick around andwaste your time or waste their
(18:27):
time and again, if you're notready to walk away, that's okay
run into the fire but I thinkthe way i'm looking at it now is
would my future husband, or noteven my future husband, would my
husband treat me this way?
Is this how my husband wouldshow up for me?
If the answer is no, he's notthe one and we move on to the
(18:47):
next one.
For example, I made plans with aguy to celebrate together to go
out and go to this party, andday of, he cancels on me.
and, you might think, hey, it'snot that big of a deal, things
come up we weren't that serious,it wasn't that big of a deal,
but if this is someone that'strying to pursue me, and is
(19:10):
trying to get my attention, justknow they're going to be on
their best behavior in thebeginning, so if this is the way
he's willing to show up for mein the beginning, it's only
going to get worse and would myhusband blow me off?
Last minute drop plans with meday of probably not so he's
(19:30):
probably not the one and that'sokay, but I don't need to go on
another date with him.
I don't need to make plans withhim and just hold that standard
for yourself because you deservethat baby girl and these men
will learn.
The only way men are going tolearn is if we teach them.
So stand in your worth, don'tsettle, and don't put up with
(19:53):
bullshit because you don't needto because he's on the way and
the one for you is on the wayand whenever you are dating,
just ask yourself, does he makeme feel like a priority?
Does he stand in his integrity?
Do we have the same values?
Stuff like that, that's thestuff that matters and that's
the stuff that's important and Iheard this analogy actually on
(20:16):
Tik Tok the other day.
Tik Tok is so interesting, Ifeel like it's almost like tarot
cards sometimes that gives youexactly what you need in that
moment or maybe just because ourphones are always listening to
us but there was this reallygood analogy about dating and
she compared it to being on atrain so when you start dating
(20:39):
in your early 20s or whateverall your friends are on the
train.
It's super fun.
You're on this train with allyour friends.
It's super fun like, why wouldyou get off the train?
We're having a great time andthen slowly, as you get older,
more and more people start toget off and, people get married,
your friends start having kids,and you're still on the train,
(21:00):
and you're like, wondering, whenis it going to be my stop?
When do I get to get off thetrain?
When is it my turn?
but your ticket has your stop onit and the Conductor or whatever
the train person is called isn'tgoing to let you off on a stop
that isn't yours and youwouldn't want to get off on a
stop that isn't yours, you knowyou might be like, oh like that
(21:22):
one looks pretty good.
This stop looks pretty good,maybe i'll get off here no,
that's not for you and you caneither you know look out the
window and be sad or you canjust enjoy the view and know
that your stop is coming.
You will get off the train andit's going to be the stop that's
meant for you and I probablydidn't explain that the best,
but it's just, enjoy theprocess, enjoy the ride, you
(21:47):
don't need to settle, you don'tneed to you're not gonna be
single forever, you're not gonnahave this time in your life
forever, so just enjoy it, havefun, go to dinner, kiss as many
boys as you want, have fun withyour girlfriends because one day
it will be your stop and it'sgonna be so beautiful you're
gonna look back and remember howmuch you enjoyed the ride and
(22:09):
you're gonna be so happy thatyou're at your stop, but so
grateful for the journey it tookto get there.
Hey guys, thanks so much forlistening.
If you enjoyed today's episode,remember to comment, like, and
subscribe.
Share it with your friends.
It really does help me.
You can also go to my website atbecomingsunshine.
(22:30):
com and subscribe to mynewsletter.
You can support the podcastthere.
Thanks again.
I appreciate you guys so muchand we'll talk soon.
Bye!
The only way men are going to learn is if we teach
(00:03):
them.
So stand in your worth, don'tsettle, and don't put up with
bullshit because you don't needto because he's on the way and
the one for you is on the wayand whenever you are dating,
just ask yourself, does he makeme feel like a priority?
Does he stand in his integrity?
Do we have the same values?
(00:24):
Stuff like that, that's thestuff that matters and that's
the stuff that's importantWelcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self andthat's what this podcast is
(00:45):
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me,I'm excited.
Hey guys, it's Madeline, sotoday I want to talk about
something that I have a lot ofpersonal experience with.
I do this spiritual work, theTBM work.
(01:05):
I don't know if you guys arefamiliar, but some of the
terminology that they use in theprogram is running into the fire
and this can mean so manydifferent things.
It sounds like somethinghorrible, like running into
fire, it doesn't sound good, andit's not always good, but it's
necessary, and they don't shameyou for it, they're like, hey
girl, if you need to figure thisout the hard way one more time,
(01:28):
if you're not ready to jump offthis cliff, if you need to run
into the fire, you're not readyto one more time, two more
times, ten more times, you gofor it.
We need to figure out lessonssometimes when we're ready and
sometimes we learn the samelesson over and over until we
finally get it.
basically what they say is it'sokay to run into the fire as
many times as you need and forme, I feel like sometimes that
(01:53):
happens a lot in relationships.
I am a lover girl and I don'tthink I'm alone in this.
I think a lot of people probablydo this, but I do think it's
important to realize when it istime to let go and when a
relationship is not serving youanymore I feel like I always try
to see the best in people.
(02:14):
I'm very empathic.
I like to overanalyze situationslike many people I'm sure I
always try to put myself intheir shoes and I'm not always
trying to justify someone'sbehavior, but I am trying to
understand it and I thinksometimes I can be a little bit
too understanding at thedetriment of myself.
(02:35):
and when I think about it, Ihave such a high standard when
it comes to bringing anyone newinto my life, whether that's
romantic relationships orfriendships, I hold such a high
standard for myself and I'mquick to cut anyone new off if
they don't make the cut which Ithink is important It's
(02:57):
important to have high standardsfor yourself but then it's
interesting because people thathave been in my life for years
and this isn't true for everyonebut for certain people I seem to
have a soft spot for and I don'tseem to hold them to the same
standard as I hold everyone elseand It's interesting because I
(03:22):
would never let someone new comeinto my life and disrespect me I
would never let someone new comeinto my life and talk to me ugly
so why would I not hold thatsame standard for somebody that
should know better someone thathas known me for years.
I think and maybe this is myTaurus moon but I think
(03:42):
sometimes we get reallycomfortable in what's familiar
myself in particular and It'seasier I guess or there's a lot
of comfort in what's familiar tous, I've learned a little bit
about trauma bonding and I lovelearning more about
(04:02):
interpersonal relationships andhow we engage with each other
and our patterning There's a lotof research about how we
continuously will date the sameperson over and over again and
they have a different skin suit,but it's the same problems in
the relationship or the samethemes keep coming up.
(04:26):
It's always the unavailableperson, the emotionally
unavailable person, it's theperson that can't commit, it's
et cetera, et cetera, x, y, zand basically what the research
says is that we willcontinuously recreate scenarios
that mimic our earliestchildhood experiences and
(04:47):
relationships with our earlycaretakers to try to heal these
childhood traumas that we haveand so oftentimes it's not this
like incredible connection thatyou guys have.
It's literally just a traumabond.
So I think understanding alittle bit about neurobiology
(05:10):
can help us understand why thishappens a little bit better.
So you feel this attachment tothis person mostly because of
your primal brain and yourlimbic system.
those two parts of the brainreally come into play here.
so early in childhood when weweren't receiving something from
(05:30):
our primary caretaker that wasimprinted on our subconscious
and our nervous system early inlife and the subconscious parts
of the brain are really thelimbic system and the primal
brain or the croc brain somepeople call it and we don't have
a lot of control over this partof the brain, and really the
(05:50):
only way to reprogram oursubconscious beliefs is to do
the deep work on ourselves.
Just having the consciousthought like, hey, this person
is not healthy for me, thisperson isn't good for me, which
is the neocortex part of thebrain, really isn't enough to
change our patterning and ourbehavior.
The primal brain and the limbicsystem kind of work together in
(06:14):
our subconscious mind theycontrol our behaviors, our
actions, our emotions stuff thatwas imprinted in early childhood
is deeply programmed into thispart of the brain and into our
nervous system.
You might know this person isn'taligned.
This isn't right for you but inorder to really change these
(06:34):
patterns and this behavior, youreally need to reprogram your
subconscious beliefs and reallythe only way to do this is by
using these tools of like deepmeditation and shadow work it
takes a lot of work.
It takes a lot of work onyourselves and you can do this
in therapy.
You can do this throughmeditation.
I personally love the to bemagnetic work.
(06:56):
It's helped me unblock a lot ofshadow, reprogram a lot of
limiting beliefs that I've hadand even just bring awareness to
this patterning.
I think being aware is the firststep and It's really easy to
justify behavior and stuff ifyou're not really conscious of
what's actually going on, likethe deeper components.
(07:19):
I think it's also important tobe able to self soothe and
ground yourself.
I think for a long time,personally, I felt emotionally
dependent or like I needed thisperson to help soothe my nervous
system, even though they weren'tright for me and I think getting
back to my own spiritualpractice to help me get in tune
(07:41):
with myself, again, is reallyhelpful.
I really love the TBM work.
I also love to do TranscendentalMeditation every morning.
It's changed my life,journaling, plant medicine
making time for self care andgetting back into my body
through yoga, intuitivemovement, going for walks every
(08:03):
day, self pleasure practices,grounding, taking different
herbs and tinctures.
I really love flower essences.
I've taken a few different ones.
For those of you that don't knowabout flower essences, they're
these little tinctures that youtake, and it's just a few drops
every day, and the differentflower combinations are actually
(08:25):
able to help reprogram yourbrain and help you think
differently.
It's actually really incredible.
There's ones that can help youwhen you're grieving.
There's ones that can help youunblock limiting beliefs.
There's ones that can just helpyou feel more supported and
healthier.
There's ones that can help withbeauty and anti aging.
(08:48):
There's ones that can help youfeel grounded when you're
feeling anxious.
There's even ones that you cangive your children and pets.
Flower essences can work onanybody and they're so powerful
and they're so healthy they comefrom the earth I'm happy that
plant medicine is becoming moremainstream but it's incredible
there's so much magic andmedicine on this earth that is
(09:10):
there for us to use and there'sso much in nature that can heal
our bodies and heal our minds.
I feel like, too, just makingmore time for your hobbies and
your passions and getting intoyour inner child and like what
brings you joy.
I think as an adult we get socaught up in our
responsibilities that we forgetto just have fun, be silly,
(09:31):
dance more spend more time withfriends and not just like going
out drinking but like justspending time talking and having
fun and doing silly thingstogether and it's so refreshing
the other night I went out witha girlfriend and we just sat on
the couch of this restaurant andwe're talking for hours and it
(09:51):
was so nice connecting and we'vebeen friends for years but I
feel like we just got so muchdeeper in our relationship and
our friendship and having thosecore memories and moments with
your friends is so valuable andso helpful, especially when we
feel disconnected fromourselves, and as an introvert I
(10:12):
definitely sometimes need totake more space for myself, but
then when I do meet up withaligned friends and take time
when I have the energy to spendwith my friends, I always feel
lit up by them and It's soimportant to have people around
you that light you up, and thatyou feel aligned with and that
(10:34):
you can grow with I think areally good way to think about
my romantic relationships movingforward, is to compare them to
my platonic friendships.
I have some of the bestfriendships with different women
and men, mostly women and I feelso blessed and grateful.
We have the best time going todinner, going to workout
(10:57):
classes, going on trips, andwhen I think about it, why don't
I compare my romanticrelationships to my friendships?
I hold my friendships to such ahigh standard.
The men I date should be atleast held to that, at least to
that high of a standard.
I have such a good time atdinner with my girlfriends.
If I'm not gonna have that goodof a time with a man, why would
(11:20):
I go out with him?
Why would I go on a date with aman if I would have a better
time with my girlfriends?
Why would I make space forsomeone in my life If I'm going
to go out with anyone, it shouldbe someone I'm having the same
kind of great time as I wouldwith my friendships.
If I'd have a better time atdinner with my girlfriends, why
would I go on a date with thisman?
(11:41):
That doesn't make sense and theway the women in my life show up
for me, the way they take careof me when I'm sick, when I'm
sad, when I need a shoulder tocry on, when I need to have the
biggest, deepest belly laughcomparing our romantic
relationships to our friendshipsand making sure they serve us
just as much, if not more, is soimportant and I don't know if
(12:04):
this is something that everyoneknows but I just had this
realization and it's crazy ifyou think about it like of
course they should be just asgood as my friends and just as
supportive and just as loving ifnot why would I date them?
Why would I consider them apotential partner?
Why would I want to start afamily with them?
No brainer, and I think beingable to self soothe and ground
(12:29):
in yourself is so important Ithink personally I used to think
that I was being comforted bysomeone when really I was just
disassociating when I was withthem and I think being aware of
that is super important and Ifeel like I held on to this
connection so much for so manyreasons that really had nothing
(12:53):
to do with him, and with my ownstuff that I needed to heal and
I think doing somatic healingand breath work and tapping and
yoga and just other things thathelp you get into your body are
so helpful because there's somuch trauma and memories and
stuff that's stored in the bodyand releasing that is so
(13:14):
important and tapping into thatis so important.
There's a book the body keepsthe score.
That's very interesting.
It's all about this kind ofthing and it talks about how
trauma is stored in the body andhow it can manifest in different
ways and It can be in yourrelationships, it can be through
disease, it's really interestingand for someone who has had
(13:38):
disease manifest in their bodybecause of, trauma and other
things I've just seen firsthandhow important it is to be in
tune with yourself be livingfrom a healed space and choosing
relationships from a healedspace and when I do decide to
date or engage with a man, It'sreally important to consider
(14:02):
what kind of man this is and I'mnot perfect I don't pretend to
be perfect but the kind of manthat and this is probably not
true for everybody.
I'm currently trying to datemore seriously now I'm a little
bit older and I just don't havethe energy to casually date.
I think there was a time in mylife if I'm being honest with
(14:24):
myself I feel like the onlyreason why I was into casually
dating was because I wasunhealed and I wasn't
emotionally available and so itseemed like a safer option, and
maybe this is like acontroversial opinion, but I
think If you're coming from ahealed space, like, why would
you give your energy to someonewho can't reciprocate it in the
(14:45):
fullest way?
I don't know if that makessense, but anyways, the man that
I choose to date now is notgonna be someone who is engaging
with other women, online oroffline.
I want to be with a man thatchooses me and wants to be with
me.
Not someone that's liking abunch of girls pictures or
(15:08):
following hundreds of half nakedwomen or asking out like a bunch
of women and going on threedifferent dates a week with
different women.
I want to be with someone thatchooses me and I've met guys
that have tried to date some ofthe other girls in my friend
group and I don't blame them.
They're all beautiful, amazingwomen but I think all of our
(15:31):
personalities are vastlydifferent, and so for them to be
interested in them and me, it'slike, are they really choosing
me, or are they okay with any ofus interchangeably?
and that's just not a partner Iwould ever choose.
I would never choose someone whodoesn't choose me.
(15:51):
I've done it in the past andI've learned from those
experiences, even if I have towait for the rest of my life for
the right partner.
I want someone that chooses meand loves me and my personality
and my soul and wouldn't behappy with any of my friends
interchangeably or any girl thatlooks somewhat like me or their
(16:12):
type or whatever and I thinkthat comes with a certain level
of healing too and also justlike desperation and being of a
certain age and ready to settledown, but there's technology now
I can wait they can wait I'vejust come to realize that it's
good to put yourself out there,but It's good also to cut them
(16:33):
off onto the next when yourealize they're not for you
because the longer you entertainsomething that's not for you or
someone that's not for you, thelonger you postpone what is and
sometimes it's hard sometimes,you feel lonely or it's nice to
have someone or you don't reallyfeel like you're settling, but
for me personally I can't seeanyone else when I am with
(16:57):
someone even if it's not exactlywhat I want I'm not open to
receiving other people and I'mblocked energetically from other
energies and other men.
So even if you don't thinkyou're settling and doing a
disservice to yourself, you'reblocking yourself and cutting
yourself off from manifestationsand people that would much
(17:22):
better serve you and are muchmore aligned and it took me a
really long time to accept this.
I've known this for a long time,but practicing what you preach
is very hard, and it all goesback to what I'm saying.
It's not just about yourconscious thoughts.
It's about reprogramming yoursubconscious beliefs and
(17:44):
reprogramming your nervoussystem and utilizing these tools
and it takes time.
It takes time and I'm notperfect, I'm still working at
it.
I'm proud of myself for walkingaway from situations that
weren't right for me.
I probably stayed way too long,but who hasn't?
I think it's okay to go todinner.
I think we shouldn't shutourselves out, and we should be
(18:04):
open to new experiences and it'sokay to just go to dinner.
I've had people give me thisadvice.
They're like, just go to dinner,just go on the date.
If it seems like he's a niceguy.
He has some of the things you'relooking for give him a chance
but if they're not the onethey're not the one and you
don't need to stick around andwaste your time or waste their
(18:27):
time and again, if you're notready to walk away, that's okay
run into the fire but I thinkthe way i'm looking at it now is
would my future husband, or noteven my future husband, would my
husband treat me this way?
Is this how my husband wouldshow up for me?
If the answer is no, he's notthe one and we move on to the
(18:47):
next one.
For example, I made plans with aguy to celebrate together to go
out and go to this party, andday of, he cancels on me.
and, you might think, hey, it'snot that big of a deal, things
come up we weren't that serious,it wasn't that big of a deal,
but if this is someone that'strying to pursue me, and is
(19:10):
trying to get my attention, justknow they're going to be on
their best behavior in thebeginning, so if this is the way
he's willing to show up for mein the beginning, it's only
going to get worse and would myhusband blow me off?
Last minute drop plans with meday of probably not so he's
(19:30):
probably not the one and that'sokay, but I don't need to go on
another date with him.
I don't need to make plans withhim and just hold that standard
for yourself because you deservethat baby girl and these men
will learn.
The only way men are going tolearn is if we teach them.
So stand in your worth, don'tsettle, and don't put up with
(19:53):
bullshit because you don't needto because he's on the way and
the one for you is on the wayand whenever you are dating,
just ask yourself, does he makeme feel like a priority?
Does he stand in his integrity?
Do we have the same values?
Stuff like that, that's thestuff that matters and that's
the stuff that's important and Iheard this analogy actually on
(20:16):
Tik Tok the other day.
Tik Tok is so interesting, Ifeel like it's almost like tarot
cards sometimes that gives youexactly what you need in that
moment or maybe just because ourphones are always listening to
us but there was this reallygood analogy about dating and
she compared it to being on atrain so when you start dating
(20:39):
in your early 20s or whateverall your friends are on the
train.
It's super fun.
You're on this train with allyour friends.
It's super fun like, why wouldyou get off the train?
We're having a great time andthen slowly, as you get older,
more and more people start toget off and, people get married,
your friends start having kids,and you're still on the train,
(21:00):
and you're like, wondering, whenis it going to be my stop?
When do I get to get off thetrain?
When is it my turn?
but your ticket has your stop onit and the Conductor or whatever
the train person is called isn'tgoing to let you off on a stop
that isn't yours and youwouldn't want to get off on a
stop that isn't yours, you knowyou might be like, oh like that
(21:22):
one looks pretty good.
This stop looks pretty good,maybe i'll get off here no,
that's not for you and you caneither you know look out the
window and be sad or you canjust enjoy the view and know
that your stop is coming.
You will get off the train andit's going to be the stop that's
meant for you and I probablydidn't explain that the best,
but it's just, enjoy theprocess, enjoy the ride, you
(21:47):
don't need to settle, you don'tneed to you're not gonna be
single forever, you're not gonnahave this time in your life
forever, so just enjoy it, havefun, go to dinner, kiss as many
boys as you want, have fun withyour girlfriends because one day
it will be your stop and it'sgonna be so beautiful you're
gonna look back and remember howmuch you enjoyed the ride and
(22:09):
you're gonna be so happy thatyou're at your stop, but so
grateful for the journey it tookto get there.
Hey guys, thanks so much forlistening.
If you enjoyed today's episode,remember to comment, like, and
subscribe.
Share it with your friends.
It really does help me.
You can also go to my website atbecomingsunshine.
(22:30):
com and subscribe to mynewsletter.
You can support the podcastthere.
Thanks again.
I appreciate you guys so muchand we'll talk soon.
Bye!
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