July 6, 2024 • 40 mins
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Exploring Conscious Partnerships and Personal Growth in Relationships
In this episode of 'Becoming Sunshine,' Madeline discusses the importance of conscious partnerships and the personal growth that relationships can foster. She shares her own recent experiences with dating, emphasizing the need to ask deep, introspective questions about love, treatment, and respect within a relationship. Madeline also delves into the different stages of relationships, the impact of childhood trauma on adult relationships, and the significance of holding space for each other's growth and healing. She encourages listeners to follow their intuition and design relationships that align with their personal happiness and fulfillment, beyond societal norms.
Chapter Markers
00:00 Introduction: The Most Loving Thing
00:46 Welcome to Becoming Sunshine
01:12 Madeline's New Year and New Relationship
03:21 Understanding Conscious Relationships
05:23 Stages of Relationships
08:28 Healing and Growth in Relationships
12:02 Challenges and Misconceptions
15:23 Deep Connections and Holding Space
23:22 Personal Reflections and Experiences
34:00 *Trigger Warning* Referencing Incidence of Sexual Assault
37:27 Redefining Relationship Norms
39:34 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Madeline (00:00):
Another really great question to ask yourself
whenever you're in consciouspartnership is what is the most
loving thing I can do for myselfand what is the most loving
thing I can do for my partner?
If you're moving from a place oflove for yourself or for your
partner and the answer's yes, isit loving for me to stay in this
relationship?
Am I treated well am I treatedwith respect?
(00:21):
Who do I need to become in thisrelationship in order to stay in
this relationship?
I think that's a very deepquestion sometimes, because it's
easy to shift blame or to lookat a partner and be like, why am
I so triggered in thisrelationship.
Is it something that my partneris doing or is it something I'm
(00:44):
being asked to heal?
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(01:07):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hey guys, it's Madeline.
I recently started dating againand it's funny, I feel like at
the beginning of the new year, Itold myself I was going to just
be open and open to receivingopen to new energy see where
(01:32):
that led me and not have anyjudgments or preconceived ideas
of what that was going to looklike for me, and I met someone
this year that I'm excitedabout.
It's been kind of challengingbecause I haven't opened myself
up to anyone new really in along time.
(01:53):
Really in probably six years.
I dated the same person on andoff for a really long time.
I feel like part of that is outof comfort.
I know a lot of people canprobably relate staying in
something that's not necessarilyworking and not necessarily
healthy.
Going through these cycles withthe same person just because
(02:15):
it's familiar and comfortabledoesn't mean it's necessarily
right for us, or it's going tohelp us grow.
so at the beginning of the newyear, I told myself we're done
with that.
We're going to just do our ownthing for a little while and
refocus on ourselves, pull backsome of that energy and it
(02:37):
honestly, didn't take that longfor the universe to put someone
new in my path.
In the beginning, I was a littlestandoffish needless to say a
little bit hesitant,apprehensive just because it's
scary, putting yourself outthere and meeting a new person.
The person I ended up meeting,this guy, he actually was going
through something reallysimilar.
(02:58):
He had just gotten out ofsomething really long-term as
well, and it's interesting Ifeel like this time around I'm
entering partnership andrelationship with a completely
different mindset.
I feel like I've had a moreserious mindset around dating
for a while now, but it'sdifferent in a way still.
(03:21):
I'm focused more on creatingconscious relationship and
conscious partnership myunderstanding of partnership and
relationships, just go so muchdeeper now and let me explain
what I mean by that.
Before when I was dating when Iwas really young, I was not
conscious at all when I wasdating, I wasn't even sure I
(03:42):
ever wanted to get married orhave kids and that was
definitely reflected in mychoices of partners and choosing
unavailable people, emotionallyunavailable people and then as I
started to date more seriously,I chose partners where I was
like, okay would they make agood father?
(04:02):
Would they make a good husband?
Which I think is important?
But I didn't enter my previousrelationships with how is this
individual that I'm dating whatare we co-creating together?
Are we helping each otherevolve.
Are we pushing each other to beour best versions of ourselves?
(04:23):
Is this person bringing out thebest parts of me.
I don't mean that as a cliche,in a healing way, it's
interesting because that doesn'tnecessarily mean it's all
sunshine and rainbows, and Ithink that's a common
misconception with relationshipsand markers of whether or not
they're successful because it'snot supposed to be sunshine and
(04:47):
rainbows all the time.
We're complex people and theolder we get, especially if
we're doing the work onourselves if we're in therapy,
if we have a spiritual practice,things are going to come up.
There's attachment issues.
There's childhood trauma.
There's trauma from previousrelationships as we get older
and as we are dating, we havethese experiences that become a
(05:11):
part of us and become part ofour dating history and our
dating story and we move intonew relationships with these
stories and they shape who weare I am working on a
certification right now, acoaching certification.
I'm learning a lot aboutrelationships and they talk
(05:35):
about the different stages ofrelationships There's the first
stage I think we're all prettyfamiliar with, the infatuation
stage or the honeymoon stage.
That usually last anywhere fromsix months to two years.
I think that stage gets a badrap sometimes because it's more
surface level.
It's more superficial andthere's a lot of different
(05:57):
theories, like the Imago theorywhich is about wound matching
and where we're attracted tocertain people that mimic our
earliest childhood experiencesand attachments, which there is
some truth to that.
Love is attachment.
When you're a baby and you'reforming this bond with your
(06:21):
primary caregiver, usually yourparent.
You form an attachment to themand it's that love that you
share and it's because they'retaking care of you You literally
need this person to survive andit's not completely wrong.
It's not completely off, but Ithink sometimes people
misunderstand it thinking that,oh, I only liked this person
(06:42):
because of my childhood traumaor we're trauma bonded, or I
only am attracted to this personbecause my subconscious is
trying to recreate thesecircumstances that I was first
introduced to in childhood andI'm trying to heal them, which
(07:02):
is not necessarily bad and notnecessarily untrue.
I think when you're doing thisinner child healing and you're
recognizing your patterns, justbecause you trauma bonded to
someone or because, it's yourpatterning doesn't mean that
this person is a bad partner.
We're constantly co-creatingwith the universe and the
(07:25):
universe is constantly asking usto self realize and sending us
teachers to show us our nextlevel lessons, so it would make
sense that the next partner thatyou're attracted to is sent to
you to help you heal thesechildhood wounds or to heal your
wounding Maybe you're attractedto the same types of people, the
(07:48):
same types of partners, andyou're attracting the same
lessons and that just means youhaven't healed it yet, that
doesn't necessarily mean this isa bad person.
This is a bad partner.
I think sometimes the bestpartners are the ones that
mirror back to us, what we needto heal.
I don't think that's a marker ofa bad or toxic partner
necessarily.
(08:09):
I think that's what partners aresupposed to do in conscious
relationships.
We're supposed to be mirroredwhat we need to heal.
Otherwise we're not leveling up.
We're not becoming betterversions of ourselves, and if my
partner isn't making me betterwhat are we doing?
I don't know.
that's just me.
I feel like there's just a lotmore education and a lot more
(08:34):
consciousness aroundrelationships and interpersonal
communication.
It's different for everygeneration.
Our parents were told don'tfight in front of the kids, do
that in private, don't ever showany of that in front of the
kids, but in a way you do adisservice to your children when
(08:55):
you don't have disagreements infront of your kids because they
never learn to see repair inrelationships, and I feel like
one of the most importantaspects of a healthy
relationship is in the repair.
It's not necessarily how youcommunicate, it's how you
problem solve because things aregoing to happen.
It's not going to be sunshineand rainbows all the time, and
(09:16):
if you don't have the tools inyour tool belt, and you don't
have the endurance in therelationship, then it's not
going to work, and also youcan't really see how compatible
you are if you never deal withthe hard stuff.
if you don't know how each ofyou handles conflict, do you
shut down?
(09:37):
Do you get aggressive?
Do you belittle the person thoseare real moments in relationship
where you see how compatible youare, you see how much compassion
and sensitivity and perspectiveyour partner can have, and how
much space you can hold for yourpartner, and if you guys are
creating a safe containertogether and I think that's so
(09:58):
important.
When parents are taught not tofight or argue in front of their
children, of course don't raiseyour voice of course, don't
scream or be disrespectfultowards your partner, but I
think it's important forchildren to see, hey, my parents
are in love.
These are two people that arevery much in love and they had a
disagreement, they workedthrough it.
(10:20):
They repaired and now they'restronger than ever.
I feel like that's such animportant aspect to show
children because otherwise allthey see is super happy couple
that never fights never argues,and so their frame of reference
for a healthy and happyrelationship is we must never
fight, we must never argue.
(10:40):
so then when they're grown upand they're in relationship and
there's conflict or there'sdisagreements, or they're
fights, they think that's amarker of a bad relationship and
that's just not the case.
I feel like one of the bestmarkers of a relationship and
the health of a relationship andthe longevity of a relationship
is how you repair and how yougrow through conflict and
(11:04):
disagreement and holding spacefor each other's perspective and
seeing outside of your ownperspective, and I think that's
so important.
I think too, it also ischallenging for little kids when
their minds aren't fullydeveloped and everything is very
absolute.
Everything is black and whiteand they never see their parents
(11:25):
fight and then they ended updivorced, especially with my
generation so many of ourparents ended up divorced and
it's the same generation thatwas taught not to fight in front
of the kid, it's so confusing.
It's okay my frame of referencefor relationships is my parents
never fought, everything seemedperfect, but they ended up
(11:46):
divorced.
I feel like it's led to so muchdysfunction in dating now with
people of my generation causeit's like you almost have a
trust issue now with it.
You're like, okay, it doesn'tmake sense.
it feels unsafe.
I feel like that's a big part ofit, it's crazy, having these
realizations and thinking aboutit this way and I feel like
(12:09):
people are starting to havethese conversations now when
they weren't like 5 10, 15 yearsago and it just goes to show how
many different aspects ofourselves and our relationships
are based on childhood and whatwe saw and what we grew up with
and what was the example thatwas in front of us and also just
(12:29):
our childhood wounding andunderstanding at that age.
That's the second stage ofdating, so the first stage is
really this, infatuation periodand then after that you start to
really get to know each otherand see if there's actually some
depth underneath thatinfatuation and the beginning
(12:50):
and you see if you're reallycompatible and if there's really
something there somethingdeeper.
In this stage, this is wherethings start to get a little bit
rocky.
I feel like that's why a lot ofrelationships and people go
through these cycles where theydate someone for two years, and
then they find someone new andthey date and they're happy for
two years and then they datesomeone new and it's because
(13:10):
after that honeymoon pointthat's where the real stuff
starts to come up.
Your attachment issue started tocome up.
Your intimacy issues start tocome up, people don't know how
to deal with that they don'thave the tools, they weren't
modeled that in childhood again,because parents didn't model
(13:31):
that for them, and maybe they'renot doing the work on
themselves.
Maybe they're not datingconsciously which I think is a
big part of it.
I feel like a lot of theseissues arise because you don't
feel safe in love or you don'tfeel whole yourself, and your
partner is showing you placeswhere you don't feel whole and
(13:54):
if you're not aware of yourpartner mirroring this to you,
then you might incorrectly blameyour partner for showing you
these things that you don't wantto see you showing these things
that you don't want to look at.
Your shadows come out and ifyou're not working together to
heal them, then you ended uppushing your partner away, you
(14:16):
ended up resenting them and thenunfortunately, maybe it doesn't
work out and then you start overwith someone new.
After a certain point, the sameissues start to arise and the
more you do this work onyourself and the more aware you
become the next partner youattract is going to come in at a
(14:37):
higher level of consciousness.
So either you're going to movethrough the stages of love and
dating faster or you're going togo into them a lot deeper.
Maybe when you're younger, thehoneymoon phase lasted two
years, and now that you're olderand you're more conscious of
your patterning and yourwounding, it's only a few months
before these wounds start toarise, because the universe is
(14:59):
pushing us to heal these thingsand we're just more aware of
them.
I think if you don't reallyunderstand what's going on on a
deeper level, it can befrustrating.
You're like, okay, this personis triggering me.
we've only been together for acouple of months and in your
mind, you're like, okay itshouldn't be like this in the
beginning.
(15:19):
It shouldn't be this challengingand I think that's unfair.
It's completely false so thesecond stage is really this
compassionate love that you andyour partner are forming.
You're starting to love eachother on a deeper level, past
the superficial stuff.
You're starting to heal thiswounding.
That usually last seven to 10years give or take and then
(15:43):
after that, it starts to moveinto real true love and that's
when you're able to self realizetogether.
It's a deeper understanding ofeach other on a spiritual level.
You've done the work, youappreciate each other in a
different way and I feel like alot of times that's why people
(16:04):
have the seven year itch becauseyou're going through this
transition and that's why Iusually around this time, people
either make it or they don'tmake it.
They're realizing, have wereally evolved together?
Have we really grown together?
Are we still compatible, are westill helping each other become
our best selves?
Our greatest versions ofourselves They start to
reevaluate as they're goingthrough this transition to see
(16:27):
if this really is my personstill.
It's okay if it's not, I don'tthink longevity should be a
factor or a marker of the healthor the success of a
relationship.
The success and the health of arelationship should be based on
(16:47):
the depth of the relationshipand the quality of the
relationship.
Just because a relationshipdidn't last a really long time
doesn't mean it wasn't impactfuland super meaningful and
necessary for our evolution.
People come into our lives atcertain points to teach us stuff
and as you do more work onyourself and heal yourself you
(17:11):
actually move through theselevels at a faster pace or in a
deeper way.
You're constantly attracting newpartners that are meeting you to
teach you these next levellessons in life and you're not
going to meet the same kind ofpartner or learn the same kind
of lessons hopefully that youwere learning and meeting when
(17:31):
you were 24, versus when you're34, you should be completely
different person at that point.
Spiritually and otherwise.
People miss the mark with this alittle bit, they think, oh we
shouldn't be having theseproblems this early on, or this
shouldn't be so serious thisearly on.
we should still be in thehoneymoon phase and it's just
we're both very consciouspeople, and these issues, or
(17:54):
these wounds are going to comeup a lot sooner.
It's because our partners askingus to heal these at a faster
rate so we're moving through thestages faster, or we're just
going so much more in depth inthese stages and into these
wounds and into these shadows.
Another really great question toask yourself whenever you're in
conscious partnership or you'rein a relationship of whether or
(18:16):
not it's healthy, whether or notto stay is what is the most
loving thing I can do for myselfand what is the most loving
thing I can do for my partner?
If you're moving from a place oflove for yourself or for your
partner and the answer's yes, isit loving for me to stay in this
relationship?
Am I treated well am I treatedwith respect?
Who do I need to become in thisrelationship in order to stay in
(18:41):
this relationship?
In order for this relationshipto be sustainable.
I think that's a really goodquestion to ask yourself, and I
think that's a very deepquestion sometimes, because it's
easy to shift blame or to lookat a partner and be like, why am
I so triggered in thisrelationship.
(19:04):
Is it something that my partneris doing or is it something I'm
being asked to heal?
Am I feeling insecure because oftheir actions or am I feeling
insecure because of my ownwounds.
Am my feeling needy or am Ifeeling anxious because, I need
to learn to clean up my side ofthe street, or I need to learn
(19:25):
to be more resourced and to selfsoothe.
Healing these attachments andhealing these wounds and, our
partner asking us to takeownership and evolve and grow
and to heal I think thatabsolutely is a factor of a
(19:46):
great relationship and a happyand healthy relationship and
sometimes it is asking us to dothe work and it's challenging
it's hard and sometimes it'seasier to be like, you know
what?
No, I don't want to do this, butit's am I being asked to level
up in this relationship, am Ibeing asked to be a better
version of myself and on theother side, am I going to be
(20:08):
more whole and if the answer isyes, then I think that's a great
partner and that's a greatrelationship relationships and
love are really showing us wherewe're not whole and we're
searching for wholeness, butit's not in our partner.
A lot of people falsely try tosearch for wholeness in their
(20:30):
partner, or they search for apartner that's going to complete
them and that's false we canonly feel completed by
ourselves.
We can only feel unconditionallove for our inner child by
ourselves because asking someoneto love us unconditionally is
asking someone to not haveboundaries, to not have
standards and it's just notrealistic.
(20:51):
The only person that canunconditionally love you is you
Healing these wounds and healingour inner child and healing our
attachment issues and healingour trauma it's really guiding
us to become more whole and toserve our highest good and I
think as long as we continuouslyask ourselves these questions
(21:13):
and the answer's yes, in orderfor me to stay in this
relationship, I'm going to needto become a better, more whole
more secure version of myselfthen absolutely I'm going to be
more of a queen at the end ofthis, I'm going to be more of a
king.
Then, yes, this is a healthypartner.
We're creating a consciouscontainer.
(21:34):
We're creating a safe containerfor each other to evolve and
through that you have such adeeper level of appreciation for
your partner.
You have so much more compassionand love for the person that
they truly are and you see themhealing and becoming their best
self and personally, that's thegreatest purpose for a
(21:57):
relationship is creating thiscontainers together where you're
both evolving to become evenmore successful, even more
healed, even more self-assuredeven more confident, and who
wouldn't want that.
it's easy to get caught up inall the different narratives on
social media of oh, like this ishealthy.
(22:19):
This is not healthy.
but I think it's important torealize that nobody understands
the ins and outs of yourrelationship other than you and
your partner, and you can takeanyone's advice or compare it to
previous relationships, previouspartners, but I feel like when
you do that, you're doing adisservice to yourself and to
(22:40):
your partner.
It's not fair to slap a set ofpresets on a relationship and
think this is how it's supposedto be.
This is how my partner issupposed to act.
This is how my partner issupposed to show up for me, and
having healthy opencommunication is super
important, but I feel likesometimes if things aren't going
(23:02):
the way you think that they'resupposed to take a step back
before you are reactive or yougo to your partner, and think to
yourself okay why do I feel thisway?
Why do I feel like I need this,is it because they're not
meeting my needs or is itbecause I'm not meeting my own
needs?
Is there something here that Ineed to handle?
Recently I was struggling withthis a little bit in my own
(23:25):
relationship.
My partner was going through alot and I felt like I wasn't
getting the attention that Ineeded.
I wasn't feeling prioritized,and then I took a step back and
I thought about all the thingshe was dealing with and I put
myself in his shoes and I wasjust like, wow, this is a lot
(23:47):
and despite all of this, he wasstill trying to be there for me.
He was still trying to becommunicative and supportive and
I feel no, one's perfect.
He has his own copingmechanisms, which he's working
on and I feel like with partnerssometimes they could be more
avoidant or more anxious and Ifeel like we tend to find each
other.
(24:07):
The people that shut down areattracted to the people that get
anxious and want even morecommunication and they start
this dog paddling energy andthey just end up pushing each
other away and making each othercrazy.
It's so common again, thesepeople are probably attracted to
each other because they're hereto show you.
this is what you need to workon, this is what you need to
(24:28):
work on.
Maybe I need to not shut down ormaybe I need to not be so
anxious and pushy when thisperson really just needs a
minute to ground and regroup andrecollect themselves, and they
just need to process their ownstuff.
Yes, they could probably bebetter at communicating but the
(24:49):
anxious person maybe needs to bemore perceptive and sensitive to
the other person's situation andsay, okay, if I was going
through this situation, Iprobably would really struggle
as well and I probably wouldneed some time and space to heal
and to move through that and tointegrate that before I was able
(25:11):
to do X, Y, Z, that's soimportant and I'm not always my
most amazing self and I can bereactive and just taking
ownership of where I wasn't atmy best and apologizing and
communicating, even if it'safter the fact is so helpful and
again, it's in the repair and inthese moments where we're taking
(25:36):
radical responsibility forourselves and for our emotions
and for our behavior and that'sreally how you grow in
partnership and grow in yourinterpersonal relationships and
with yourself and how you showit better next time sometimes
when we're triggered by ourpartner, it's our partner
(25:57):
mirroring back to us and showingus these places where we haven't
healed ourselves or where wehave this childhood wounding.
Why, do I have this abandonmentwound?
Why do I feel this trigger sodeeply?
Even when we've done the work,sometimes these triggers still
come up and it's our partner'sway of helping us along our
(26:18):
journey in our evolution andshowing us what we still need to
integrate what we still need towork on.
Part of creating consciouspartnership is seeing these
patterns and being aware andnot, blaming your partner or
thinking that you're notcompatible or they're not
showing up for you they're notfulfilling your needs.
There's more to it than that andI think it's easy to seek advice
(26:41):
from our friends or take advicefrom other people, To be like,
oh, this partner is toxic thisperson's a narcissist.
These words are just thrownaround so excessively these
days, or the whole, if he wantedto, he would thing let's cut
that out let's get rid of thatif they wanted to, they would,
they can go either way not ifhe, if, if she, if anyone, if
(27:03):
they wanted to do a no, notnecessarily, because people are
way more complex than that.
Someone can love you or someonecan deeply care for you and not
be able to show up for you inevery way that you need.
We're all dealing with our owninner wounding.
We're all struggling in our ownway.
We're all carrying so much andworking on our own evolution and
(27:25):
our own healing and our ownspiritual journey and whether
we're conscious of something ornot it's yeah maybe I want to
show up for you and I want to doall these things for you, but I
have to take care of myselffirst.
I have to take care of my ownside of the street first and
sometimes people are going tocome up short.
That doesn't mean they don'tcare about you and I feel like
just writing someone off or justcutting someone off or being
(27:49):
like, oh okay next and there'salmost this culture on social
media where it's oh, cut him offcut her off next and it's not
helping anybody Being anunderstanding and conscious
partner and having perspectiveand having empathy and having
sympathy and just being a personand being understanding and
being patient these are all veryimportant attributes to a
(28:12):
healthy relationship.
At the first sign of trouble orthe first sign of, whatever just
to drop someone or, or to belike, oh, they're a narcissist
or, oh, they're toxic oh no,we're all doing the best we can.
Relationships are hard.
They're not supposed to be easyand you're not going to be in
love all the time sometimes,you're going to hate your
partner and that doesn't meanthat they're not a good partner.
(28:33):
It doesn't mean you're not inlove.
That's just the way the world iswe're complex human beings who
have complex emotions and I feellike if you're in it for I don't
want to say the long haulbecause again, I want to just
want to reiterate that longevityis not the goal here it's the
quality and the depth, but a bigpart of that is being more
(28:55):
understanding and beingconscious and being aware and
healing yourself and healing ishard work on both ends and I
thinking that relationships arejust supposed to be easy is
silly it's not like in thefairytales and the movies yeah,
there are magical moments and alot of things can be like
(29:16):
romantic comedies in real lifebut, healing yourself and
healing your trauma is hardwork, and it's going to be a
little ugly sometimes and havinga partner that can hold space
for you and show up for you isso important especially when
you're dealing with challengingthemes yourself I know in my own
(29:40):
relationship we got really deep,really early.
I feel like that was part of theattraction and part of the
magnetism to each other.
It was like, wow, I haven't feltthis level of depth with a
partner in a really long time ifever, and that's really special
and that's really rare.
(30:01):
I think qualities like that aremuch more important than oh, we
never fight we never havedisagreements, we never have
challenges.
it's like having only partyfriends, which is such a crazy
comparison and never thoughtabout it this way before, but
just having party friends is notreal.
I'm at the place in my life nowwhere I don't even need party
(30:22):
friends.
I need just a handful of peoplethat, they can talk me through
the hard times they're my rideor dies and that's really all I
need at this point.
I don't need surface levelrelationships.
I don't need service levelfriends.
I don't need a surface levelromantic partner.
If we're just gonna only havethe good times we're just going
to have fun together.
Ah, no, like that's not whatlife's about and that's not what
(30:47):
I need when life gets hard,because life is going to keep
lifeing and I need someonethat's going to be there to
support me when it gets hard andthat's what really matters.
In my own relationship like Isaid, we got really deep, really
early, and I feel like that'swhen we really started to
connect and bond and I feel likeat this point in dating, I don't
(31:11):
hold anything back and if I'm inthe talking stage and the
getting to know you stage andI'm going through something and
we're trying to get to know eachother I'm not going to hold back
because if you can't handle thisnow, then you can't handle this
down the road.
I feel like my strategy's I'mgonna throw this at you if I'm
going through something and youwant to be there for me and
you're showing me, you'recourting me Hey, I want to show
(31:33):
up for you I want to be therefor you I want to be your person
I want to be you're a man, andI'm like, all right this is what
I'm struggling with I'm going togive it to you and see if you
can hold space for me, and ifyou can awesome, we can move
forward and if you can't thenwe're not going to waste any
more of each other's time andthat's fine.
early in the relationship I wasreally going through a lot.
I was having friend breakups.
(31:54):
I had something really traumatichappened in my life and there
was also the anniversary of adeath of somebody that was
really important to me.
That made me really sad and, Iopened up about this to this new
potential partner and the waythat he showed up for me, the
(32:15):
way that he communicated the waythat he held space for me was so
incredible, especially forsomeone that I hadn't known very
long.
That was just such a truetestament of the quality of this
person and the compatibilitybetween us, because that's the
stuff that I need.
That's the stuff that is apriority to me in my life and in
(32:36):
my relationships and is atestament of the type of people
I want in my life and it's justlittle things like that.
That really aren't that littleactually at all Being able to
have the difficult conversationsand see how your partner shows
up for you and sharing traumaand seeing how your partner can
(32:58):
hold space or not is soimportant.
I feel like we both have beenthrough a lot and we were
opening up to each other aboutthings that happened in
childhood or happened, just afew months prior or just a
couple of weeks or whatever,like whatever we're dealing
with, and the way a partner isable to hold space is so
(33:22):
important.
Everybody has stuff it's justwho can hold it, who is
compatible in the way that theycan carry and hold you.
That's more of an importantfactor than some of these other
superficial things.
There's some things that, maybeare challenges for us, but I'm
willing to work through thembecause of the way this person
shows up for me in these othermuch more important ways, in my
(33:44):
opinion.
Something that I've opened upabout on the podcast.
I haven't gone into detailreally before, but this is a
theme that I know a lot of womenespecially, men too.
I don't want to just say women,men too, but especially women
have dealt with.
The statistic is one in threewomen, unfortunately will be a
(34:06):
victim of a sexual assault intheir lifetime and
unfortunately, I've had my ownstruggles with this in my
younger years I thought it wassomething that I had integrated
and moved past and the more I'vethought about it recently the
more, I realized these themesstill come up in my
(34:27):
relationships.
I'm still dealing with them andI get triggered by certain
conversations, certain topics orcertain things and being able to
open up to a partner about thesethings and the way you're
feeling and how it's affectingyou today and in your
relationship dynamic now isimportant Something that
(34:48):
happened a decade ago now andunfortunately, there was
something that happened a fewmonths ago before I met this
partner that brought up a lot ofthis old trauma and I feel like
it set me back a little bit inmy healing journey and it just
goes to show that healing isn'tlinear.
(35:08):
I've done a lot of work onmyself and I still have these
things that come up.
I still feel triggered sometimesby stuff that happens.
Maybe we're having aconversation or something just
reminds me of this time in mylife that I'm so triggered by
still, and being able tocommunicate with your partner
(35:29):
and have them being able to holdspace for you and meet you with
so much love I feel like havingthese conversations and the
depth in the relationship issuch a better indicator of
health and growth than if we'realways laughing or we never have
(35:51):
an argument or we never have adisagreement or we never run
into any type of wounding ortriggering.
Oftentimes we're triggered byour partner as we're growing and
healing.
Things in our life will come outthat will show us where we're
not healed and having theseconversations and having a
(36:12):
partner that can hold space foryou is so important.
That's what creating consciouspartnership is about.
I know that was a lot to unpackand I'm still working on what
conscious partnership means tome.
What type of relationship I'msearching for and I'm seeking
(36:34):
and I'm building now, and I feellike it's something that's
always going to be evolving.
I think as long as we're askingourselves these questions and
we're being curious and we'rebeing conscious then we're in a
really good spot The mostimportant piece is to listen to
your own intuition first andyour own guide because we're all
(37:00):
very intuitive.
We all have gifts and some of usjust lean into them a little bit
more naturally, but in yourheart, whether or not this
person's right for you orwhether or not you want to be in
this partnership or thisrelationship and I don't even
want to say partnership becauseI want to acknowledge that so
(37:22):
many people now are in openmarriages or open relationships
or polyamorous.
I think there's something tothat Evolutionary, we never were
designed as humans to have oneperson meet all of our needs and
I don't think that necessarilymeans you need to open the
relationship up or you can bemonogamous and happy, but
thinking that one person isgoing to meet all of your needs
(37:43):
is just so unrealistic.
I don't think you need tonecessarily supplement or
outsource in the relationship.
I think, having friendships andhaving a life outside of your
partner and having your ownstuff going on is so important.
When your partner becomeseverything to you, that's when
you run into these issuesWhenever we're in new
(38:03):
partnership or we'rere-evaluating partnership or
relationships, I should sayintuitively looking inside
yourself as your guide andtaking it one step at a time
being like, okay, today, what doI want today?
what is going to serve myhighest good today?
(38:24):
Accepting different types ofrelationships in different
stages of relationships is okaytoo.
I don't think again, slapping aset of presets on what our
relationship is supposed to looklike, what a healthy
relationship is There's been somany social constructs and
social norms and a set of rulesset on us of what relationships
(38:44):
are supposed to be and whatthey're supposed to look like
and if you know yours doesn'tlook like that, it's wrong or
you don't really care about eachother.
It's whatever you want to do,whatever's gonna make you happy
and fulfilled and things canevolve and I think that that's
okay.
The whole concept of marriageand everything else and death,
do us part, all of that isreally all based on the
(39:07):
patriarchy and religion andownership and it's 2024 we can
write our own rules.
We can figure out what feelsgood for us and again, as long
as we're asking ourselves thesequestions and we're creating
conscious relationships itdoesn't really matter what it
looks like.
It doesn't really matter whatanyone else thinks.
At the end of the day, it's yourrelationship and it's what's
(39:28):
going to make you happy andforget about everyone else.
Just do you, boo.
That's what I'm doing and yeah Ifeel for the first time in my
life, not just in myrelationships, in a lot of
different aspects of my life,I'm realizing that I can make my
own rules and I can design mylife to look any way I want it
(39:50):
to whether that's yourrelationship, your career your
whatever, people pleasing is outand radical responsibility of
ourself and our happiness andour life is very much in, so
anyways, this episode covered alot.
If you guys have any questions,feel free to message me.
(40:13):
Let me know what you think.
Let me know if you guys enjoyedthis episode.
I love talking aboutrelationships I'm definitely not
the expert.
I just I have my experiences andI'm always trying to learn from
them and grow from them.
Anyways, love you guys.
Thanks so much for listening.
Bye.
Hey guys, thanks so much forlistening.
(40:34):
If you enjoyed today's episode,remember to comment, like, and
subscribe.
Share it with your friends.
It really does help me.
You can also go to my website atbecomingsunshine.
com and subscribe to mynewsletter.
You can support the podcastthere.
Thanks again.
I appreciate you guys so muchand we'll talk soon.
(40:55):
Bye!
Another really great question to ask yourself
whenever you're in consciouspartnership is what is the most
loving thing I can do for myselfand what is the most loving
thing I can do for my partner?
If you're moving from a place oflove for yourself or for your
partner and the answer's yes, isit loving for me to stay in this
relationship?
Am I treated well am I treatedwith respect?
(00:21):
Who do I need to become in thisrelationship in order to stay in
this relationship?
I think that's a very deepquestion sometimes, because it's
easy to shift blame or to lookat a partner and be like, why am
I so triggered in thisrelationship.
Is it something that my partneris doing or is it something I'm
(00:44):
being asked to heal?
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(01:07):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Hey guys, it's Madeline.
I recently started dating againand it's funny, I feel like at
the beginning of the new year, Itold myself I was going to just
be open and open to receivingopen to new energy see where
(01:32):
that led me and not have anyjudgments or preconceived ideas
of what that was going to looklike for me, and I met someone
this year that I'm excitedabout.
It's been kind of challengingbecause I haven't opened myself
up to anyone new really in along time.
(01:53):
Really in probably six years.
I dated the same person on andoff for a really long time.
I feel like part of that is outof comfort.
I know a lot of people canprobably relate staying in
something that's not necessarilyworking and not necessarily
healthy.
Going through these cycles withthe same person just because
(02:15):
it's familiar and comfortabledoesn't mean it's necessarily
right for us, or it's going tohelp us grow.
so at the beginning of the newyear, I told myself we're done
with that.
We're going to just do our ownthing for a little while and
refocus on ourselves, pull backsome of that energy and it
(02:37):
honestly, didn't take that longfor the universe to put someone
new in my path.
In the beginning, I was a littlestandoffish needless to say a
little bit hesitant,apprehensive just because it's
scary, putting yourself outthere and meeting a new person.
The person I ended up meeting,this guy, he actually was going
through something reallysimilar.
(02:58):
He had just gotten out ofsomething really long-term as
well, and it's interesting Ifeel like this time around I'm
entering partnership andrelationship with a completely
different mindset.
I feel like I've had a moreserious mindset around dating
for a while now, but it'sdifferent in a way still.
(03:21):
I'm focused more on creatingconscious relationship and
conscious partnership myunderstanding of partnership and
relationships, just go so muchdeeper now and let me explain
what I mean by that.
Before when I was dating when Iwas really young, I was not
conscious at all when I wasdating, I wasn't even sure I
(03:42):
ever wanted to get married orhave kids and that was
definitely reflected in mychoices of partners and choosing
unavailable people, emotionallyunavailable people and then as I
started to date more seriously,I chose partners where I was
like, okay would they make agood father?
(04:02):
Would they make a good husband?
Which I think is important?
But I didn't enter my previousrelationships with how is this
individual that I'm dating whatare we co-creating together?
Are we helping each otherevolve.
Are we pushing each other to beour best versions of ourselves?
(04:23):
Is this person bringing out thebest parts of me.
I don't mean that as a cliche,in a healing way, it's
interesting because that doesn'tnecessarily mean it's all
sunshine and rainbows, and Ithink that's a common
misconception with relationshipsand markers of whether or not
they're successful because it'snot supposed to be sunshine and
(04:47):
rainbows all the time.
We're complex people and theolder we get, especially if
we're doing the work onourselves if we're in therapy,
if we have a spiritual practice,things are going to come up.
There's attachment issues.
There's childhood trauma.
There's trauma from previousrelationships as we get older
and as we are dating, we havethese experiences that become a
(05:11):
part of us and become part ofour dating history and our
dating story and we move intonew relationships with these
stories and they shape who weare I am working on a
certification right now, acoaching certification.
I'm learning a lot aboutrelationships and they talk
(05:35):
about the different stages ofrelationships There's the first
stage I think we're all prettyfamiliar with, the infatuation
stage or the honeymoon stage.
That usually last anywhere fromsix months to two years.
I think that stage gets a badrap sometimes because it's more
surface level.
It's more superficial andthere's a lot of different
(05:57):
theories, like the Imago theorywhich is about wound matching
and where we're attracted tocertain people that mimic our
earliest childhood experiencesand attachments, which there is
some truth to that.
Love is attachment.
When you're a baby and you'reforming this bond with your
(06:21):
primary caregiver, usually yourparent.
You form an attachment to themand it's that love that you
share and it's because they'retaking care of you You literally
need this person to survive andit's not completely wrong.
It's not completely off, but Ithink sometimes people
misunderstand it thinking that,oh, I only liked this person
(06:42):
because of my childhood traumaor we're trauma bonded, or I
only am attracted to this personbecause my subconscious is
trying to recreate thesecircumstances that I was first
introduced to in childhood andI'm trying to heal them, which
(07:02):
is not necessarily bad and notnecessarily untrue.
I think when you're doing thisinner child healing and you're
recognizing your patterns, justbecause you trauma bonded to
someone or because, it's yourpatterning doesn't mean that
this person is a bad partner.
We're constantly co-creatingwith the universe and the
(07:25):
universe is constantly asking usto self realize and sending us
teachers to show us our nextlevel lessons, so it would make
sense that the next partner thatyou're attracted to is sent to
you to help you heal thesechildhood wounds or to heal your
wounding Maybe you're attractedto the same types of people, the
(07:48):
same types of partners, andyou're attracting the same
lessons and that just means youhaven't healed it yet, that
doesn't necessarily mean this isa bad person.
This is a bad partner.
I think sometimes the bestpartners are the ones that
mirror back to us, what we needto heal.
I don't think that's a marker ofa bad or toxic partner
necessarily.
(08:09):
I think that's what partners aresupposed to do in conscious
relationships.
We're supposed to be mirroredwhat we need to heal.
Otherwise we're not leveling up.
We're not becoming betterversions of ourselves, and if my
partner isn't making me betterwhat are we doing?
I don't know.
that's just me.
I feel like there's just a lotmore education and a lot more
(08:34):
consciousness aroundrelationships and interpersonal
communication.
It's different for everygeneration.
Our parents were told don'tfight in front of the kids, do
that in private, don't ever showany of that in front of the
kids, but in a way you do adisservice to your children when
(08:55):
you don't have disagreements infront of your kids because they
never learn to see repair inrelationships, and I feel like
one of the most importantaspects of a healthy
relationship is in the repair.
It's not necessarily how youcommunicate, it's how you
problem solve because things aregoing to happen.
It's not going to be sunshineand rainbows all the time, and
(09:16):
if you don't have the tools inyour tool belt, and you don't
have the endurance in therelationship, then it's not
going to work, and also youcan't really see how compatible
you are if you never deal withthe hard stuff.
if you don't know how each ofyou handles conflict, do you
shut down?
(09:37):
Do you get aggressive?
Do you belittle the person thoseare real moments in relationship
where you see how compatible youare, you see how much compassion
and sensitivity and perspectiveyour partner can have, and how
much space you can hold for yourpartner, and if you guys are
creating a safe containertogether and I think that's so
(09:58):
important.
When parents are taught not tofight or argue in front of their
children, of course don't raiseyour voice of course, don't
scream or be disrespectfultowards your partner, but I
think it's important forchildren to see, hey, my parents
are in love.
These are two people that arevery much in love and they had a
disagreement, they workedthrough it.
(10:20):
They repaired and now they'restronger than ever.
I feel like that's such animportant aspect to show
children because otherwise allthey see is super happy couple
that never fights never argues,and so their frame of reference
for a healthy and happyrelationship is we must never
fight, we must never argue.
(10:40):
so then when they're grown upand they're in relationship and
there's conflict or there'sdisagreements, or they're
fights, they think that's amarker of a bad relationship and
that's just not the case.
I feel like one of the bestmarkers of a relationship and
the health of a relationship andthe longevity of a relationship
is how you repair and how yougrow through conflict and
(11:04):
disagreement and holding spacefor each other's perspective and
seeing outside of your ownperspective, and I think that's
so important.
I think too, it also ischallenging for little kids when
their minds aren't fullydeveloped and everything is very
absolute.
Everything is black and whiteand they never see their parents
(11:25):
fight and then they ended updivorced, especially with my
generation so many of ourparents ended up divorced and
it's the same generation thatwas taught not to fight in front
of the kid, it's so confusing.
It's okay my frame of referencefor relationships is my parents
never fought, everything seemedperfect, but they ended up
(11:46):
divorced.
I feel like it's led to so muchdysfunction in dating now with
people of my generation causeit's like you almost have a
trust issue now with it.
You're like, okay, it doesn'tmake sense.
it feels unsafe.
I feel like that's a big part ofit, it's crazy, having these
realizations and thinking aboutit this way and I feel like
(12:09):
people are starting to havethese conversations now when
they weren't like 5 10, 15 yearsago and it just goes to show how
many different aspects ofourselves and our relationships
are based on childhood and whatwe saw and what we grew up with
and what was the example thatwas in front of us and also just
(12:29):
our childhood wounding andunderstanding at that age.
That's the second stage ofdating, so the first stage is
really this, infatuation periodand then after that you start to
really get to know each otherand see if there's actually some
depth underneath thatinfatuation and the beginning
(12:50):
and you see if you're reallycompatible and if there's really
something there somethingdeeper.
In this stage, this is wherethings start to get a little bit
rocky.
I feel like that's why a lot ofrelationships and people go
through these cycles where theydate someone for two years, and
then they find someone new andthey date and they're happy for
two years and then they datesomeone new and it's because
(13:10):
after that honeymoon pointthat's where the real stuff
starts to come up.
Your attachment issue started tocome up.
Your intimacy issues start tocome up, people don't know how
to deal with that they don'thave the tools, they weren't
modeled that in childhood again,because parents didn't model
(13:31):
that for them, and maybe they'renot doing the work on
themselves.
Maybe they're not datingconsciously which I think is a
big part of it.
I feel like a lot of theseissues arise because you don't
feel safe in love or you don'tfeel whole yourself, and your
partner is showing you placeswhere you don't feel whole and
(13:54):
if you're not aware of yourpartner mirroring this to you,
then you might incorrectly blameyour partner for showing you
these things that you don't wantto see you showing these things
that you don't want to look at.
Your shadows come out and ifyou're not working together to
heal them, then you ended uppushing your partner away, you
(14:16):
ended up resenting them and thenunfortunately, maybe it doesn't
work out and then you start overwith someone new.
After a certain point, the sameissues start to arise and the
more you do this work onyourself and the more aware you
become the next partner youattract is going to come in at a
(14:37):
higher level of consciousness.
So either you're going to movethrough the stages of love and
dating faster or you're going togo into them a lot deeper.
Maybe when you're younger, thehoneymoon phase lasted two
years, and now that you're olderand you're more conscious of
your patterning and yourwounding, it's only a few months
before these wounds start toarise, because the universe is
(14:59):
pushing us to heal these thingsand we're just more aware of
them.
I think if you don't reallyunderstand what's going on on a
deeper level, it can befrustrating.
You're like, okay, this personis triggering me.
we've only been together for acouple of months and in your
mind, you're like, okay itshouldn't be like this in the
beginning.
(15:19):
It shouldn't be this challengingand I think that's unfair.
It's completely false so thesecond stage is really this
compassionate love that you andyour partner are forming.
You're starting to love eachother on a deeper level, past
the superficial stuff.
You're starting to heal thiswounding.
That usually last seven to 10years give or take and then
(15:43):
after that, it starts to moveinto real true love and that's
when you're able to self realizetogether.
It's a deeper understanding ofeach other on a spiritual level.
You've done the work, youappreciate each other in a
different way and I feel like alot of times that's why people
(16:04):
have the seven year itch becauseyou're going through this
transition and that's why Iusually around this time, people
either make it or they don'tmake it.
They're realizing, have wereally evolved together?
Have we really grown together?
Are we still compatible, are westill helping each other become
our best selves?
Our greatest versions ofourselves They start to
reevaluate as they're goingthrough this transition to see
(16:27):
if this really is my personstill.
It's okay if it's not, I don'tthink longevity should be a
factor or a marker of the healthor the success of a
relationship.
The success and the health of arelationship should be based on
(16:47):
the depth of the relationshipand the quality of the
relationship.
Just because a relationshipdidn't last a really long time
doesn't mean it wasn't impactfuland super meaningful and
necessary for our evolution.
People come into our lives atcertain points to teach us stuff
and as you do more work onyourself and heal yourself you
(17:11):
actually move through theselevels at a faster pace or in a
deeper way.
You're constantly attracting newpartners that are meeting you to
teach you these next levellessons in life and you're not
going to meet the same kind ofpartner or learn the same kind
of lessons hopefully that youwere learning and meeting when
(17:31):
you were 24, versus when you're34, you should be completely
different person at that point.
Spiritually and otherwise.
People miss the mark with this alittle bit, they think, oh we
shouldn't be having theseproblems this early on, or this
shouldn't be so serious thisearly on.
we should still be in thehoneymoon phase and it's just
we're both very consciouspeople, and these issues, or
(17:54):
these wounds are going to comeup a lot sooner.
It's because our partners askingus to heal these at a faster
rate so we're moving through thestages faster, or we're just
going so much more in depth inthese stages and into these
wounds and into these shadows.
Another really great question toask yourself whenever you're in
conscious partnership or you'rein a relationship of whether or
(18:16):
not it's healthy, whether or notto stay is what is the most
loving thing I can do for myselfand what is the most loving
thing I can do for my partner?
If you're moving from a place oflove for yourself or for your
partner and the answer's yes, isit loving for me to stay in this
relationship?
Am I treated well am I treatedwith respect?
Who do I need to become in thisrelationship in order to stay in
(18:41):
this relationship?
In order for this relationshipto be sustainable.
I think that's a really goodquestion to ask yourself, and I
think that's a very deepquestion sometimes, because it's
easy to shift blame or to lookat a partner and be like, why am
I so triggered in thisrelationship.
(19:04):
Is it something that my partneris doing or is it something I'm
being asked to heal?
Am I feeling insecure because oftheir actions or am I feeling
insecure because of my ownwounds.
Am my feeling needy or am Ifeeling anxious because, I need
to learn to clean up my side ofthe street, or I need to learn
(19:25):
to be more resourced and to selfsoothe.
Healing these attachments andhealing these wounds and, our
partner asking us to takeownership and evolve and grow
and to heal I think thatabsolutely is a factor of a
(19:46):
great relationship and a happyand healthy relationship and
sometimes it is asking us to dothe work and it's challenging
it's hard and sometimes it'seasier to be like, you know
what?
No, I don't want to do this, butit's am I being asked to level
up in this relationship, am Ibeing asked to be a better
version of myself and on theother side, am I going to be
(20:08):
more whole and if the answer isyes, then I think that's a great
partner and that's a greatrelationship relationships and
love are really showing us wherewe're not whole and we're
searching for wholeness, butit's not in our partner.
A lot of people falsely try tosearch for wholeness in their
(20:30):
partner, or they search for apartner that's going to complete
them and that's false we canonly feel completed by
ourselves.
We can only feel unconditionallove for our inner child by
ourselves because asking someoneto love us unconditionally is
asking someone to not haveboundaries, to not have
standards and it's just notrealistic.
(20:51):
The only person that canunconditionally love you is you
Healing these wounds and healingour inner child and healing our
attachment issues and healingour trauma it's really guiding
us to become more whole and toserve our highest good and I
think as long as we continuouslyask ourselves these questions
(21:13):
and the answer's yes, in orderfor me to stay in this
relationship, I'm going to needto become a better, more whole
more secure version of myselfthen absolutely I'm going to be
more of a queen at the end ofthis, I'm going to be more of a
king.
Then, yes, this is a healthypartner.
We're creating a consciouscontainer.
(21:34):
We're creating a safe containerfor each other to evolve and
through that you have such adeeper level of appreciation for
your partner.
You have so much more compassionand love for the person that
they truly are and you see themhealing and becoming their best
self and personally, that's thegreatest purpose for a
(21:57):
relationship is creating thiscontainers together where you're
both evolving to become evenmore successful, even more
healed, even more self-assuredeven more confident, and who
wouldn't want that.
it's easy to get caught up inall the different narratives on
social media of oh, like this ishealthy.
(22:19):
This is not healthy.
but I think it's important torealize that nobody understands
the ins and outs of yourrelationship other than you and
your partner, and you can takeanyone's advice or compare it to
previous relationships, previouspartners, but I feel like when
you do that, you're doing adisservice to yourself and to
(22:40):
your partner.
It's not fair to slap a set ofpresets on a relationship and
think this is how it's supposedto be.
This is how my partner issupposed to act.
This is how my partner issupposed to show up for me, and
having healthy opencommunication is super
important, but I feel likesometimes if things aren't going
(23:02):
the way you think that they'resupposed to take a step back
before you are reactive or yougo to your partner, and think to
yourself okay why do I feel thisway?
Why do I feel like I need this,is it because they're not
meeting my needs or is itbecause I'm not meeting my own
needs?
Is there something here that Ineed to handle?
Recently I was struggling withthis a little bit in my own
(23:25):
relationship.
My partner was going through alot and I felt like I wasn't
getting the attention that Ineeded.
I wasn't feeling prioritized,and then I took a step back and
I thought about all the thingshe was dealing with and I put
myself in his shoes and I wasjust like, wow, this is a lot
(23:47):
and despite all of this, he wasstill trying to be there for me.
He was still trying to becommunicative and supportive and
I feel no, one's perfect.
He has his own copingmechanisms, which he's working
on and I feel like with partnerssometimes they could be more
avoidant or more anxious and Ifeel like we tend to find each
other.
(24:07):
The people that shut down areattracted to the people that get
anxious and want even morecommunication and they start
this dog paddling energy andthey just end up pushing each
other away and making each othercrazy.
It's so common again, thesepeople are probably attracted to
each other because they're hereto show you.
this is what you need to workon, this is what you need to
(24:28):
work on.
Maybe I need to not shut down ormaybe I need to not be so
anxious and pushy when thisperson really just needs a
minute to ground and regroup andrecollect themselves, and they
just need to process their ownstuff.
Yes, they could probably bebetter at communicating but the
(24:49):
anxious person maybe needs to bemore perceptive and sensitive to
the other person's situation andsay, okay, if I was going
through this situation, Iprobably would really struggle
as well and I probably wouldneed some time and space to heal
and to move through that and tointegrate that before I was able
(25:11):
to do X, Y, Z, that's soimportant and I'm not always my
most amazing self and I can bereactive and just taking
ownership of where I wasn't atmy best and apologizing and
communicating, even if it'safter the fact is so helpful and
again, it's in the repair and inthese moments where we're taking
(25:36):
radical responsibility forourselves and for our emotions
and for our behavior and that'sreally how you grow in
partnership and grow in yourinterpersonal relationships and
with yourself and how you showit better next time sometimes
when we're triggered by ourpartner, it's our partner
(25:57):
mirroring back to us and showingus these places where we haven't
healed ourselves or where wehave this childhood wounding.
Why, do I have this abandonmentwound?
Why do I feel this trigger sodeeply?
Even when we've done the work,sometimes these triggers still
come up and it's our partner'sway of helping us along our
(26:18):
journey in our evolution andshowing us what we still need to
integrate what we still need towork on.
Part of creating consciouspartnership is seeing these
patterns and being aware andnot, blaming your partner or
thinking that you're notcompatible or they're not
showing up for you they're notfulfilling your needs.
There's more to it than that andI think it's easy to seek advice
(26:41):
from our friends or take advicefrom other people, To be like,
oh, this partner is toxic thisperson's a narcissist.
These words are just thrownaround so excessively these
days, or the whole, if he wantedto, he would thing let's cut
that out let's get rid of thatif they wanted to, they would,
they can go either way not ifhe, if, if she, if anyone, if
(27:03):
they wanted to do a no, notnecessarily, because people are
way more complex than that.
Someone can love you or someonecan deeply care for you and not
be able to show up for you inevery way that you need.
We're all dealing with our owninner wounding.
We're all struggling in our ownway.
We're all carrying so much andworking on our own evolution and
(27:25):
our own healing and our ownspiritual journey and whether
we're conscious of something ornot it's yeah maybe I want to
show up for you and I want to doall these things for you, but I
have to take care of myselffirst.
I have to take care of my ownside of the street first and
sometimes people are going tocome up short.
That doesn't mean they don'tcare about you and I feel like
just writing someone off or justcutting someone off or being
(27:49):
like, oh okay next and there'salmost this culture on social
media where it's oh, cut him offcut her off next and it's not
helping anybody Being anunderstanding and conscious
partner and having perspectiveand having empathy and having
sympathy and just being a personand being understanding and
being patient these are all veryimportant attributes to a
(28:12):
healthy relationship.
At the first sign of trouble orthe first sign of, whatever just
to drop someone or, or to belike, oh, they're a narcissist
or, oh, they're toxic oh no,we're all doing the best we can.
Relationships are hard.
They're not supposed to be easyand you're not going to be in
love all the time sometimes,you're going to hate your
partner and that doesn't meanthat they're not a good partner.
(28:33):
It doesn't mean you're not inlove.
That's just the way the world iswe're complex human beings who
have complex emotions and I feellike if you're in it for I don't
want to say the long haulbecause again, I want to just
want to reiterate that longevityis not the goal here it's the
quality and the depth, but a bigpart of that is being more
(28:55):
understanding and beingconscious and being aware and
healing yourself and healing ishard work on both ends and I
thinking that relationships arejust supposed to be easy is
silly it's not like in thefairytales and the movies yeah,
there are magical moments and alot of things can be like
(29:16):
romantic comedies in real lifebut, healing yourself and
healing your trauma is hardwork, and it's going to be a
little ugly sometimes and havinga partner that can hold space
for you and show up for you isso important especially when
you're dealing with challengingthemes yourself I know in my own
(29:40):
relationship we got really deep,really early.
I feel like that was part of theattraction and part of the
magnetism to each other.
It was like, wow, I haven't feltthis level of depth with a
partner in a really long time ifever, and that's really special
and that's really rare.
(30:01):
I think qualities like that aremuch more important than oh, we
never fight we never havedisagreements, we never have
challenges.
it's like having only partyfriends, which is such a crazy
comparison and never thoughtabout it this way before, but
just having party friends is notreal.
I'm at the place in my life nowwhere I don't even need party
(30:22):
friends.
I need just a handful of peoplethat, they can talk me through
the hard times they're my rideor dies and that's really all I
need at this point.
I don't need surface levelrelationships.
I don't need service levelfriends.
I don't need a surface levelromantic partner.
If we're just gonna only havethe good times we're just going
to have fun together.
Ah, no, like that's not whatlife's about and that's not what
(30:47):
I need when life gets hard,because life is going to keep
lifeing and I need someonethat's going to be there to
support me when it gets hard andthat's what really matters.
In my own relationship like Isaid, we got really deep, really
early, and I feel like that'swhen we really started to
connect and bond and I feel likeat this point in dating, I don't
(31:11):
hold anything back and if I'm inthe talking stage and the
getting to know you stage andI'm going through something and
we're trying to get to know eachother I'm not going to hold back
because if you can't handle thisnow, then you can't handle this
down the road.
I feel like my strategy's I'mgonna throw this at you if I'm
going through something and youwant to be there for me and
you're showing me, you'recourting me Hey, I want to show
(31:33):
up for you I want to be therefor you I want to be your person
I want to be you're a man, andI'm like, all right this is what
I'm struggling with I'm going togive it to you and see if you
can hold space for me, and ifyou can awesome, we can move
forward and if you can't thenwe're not going to waste any
more of each other's time andthat's fine.
early in the relationship I wasreally going through a lot.
I was having friend breakups.
(31:54):
I had something really traumatichappened in my life and there
was also the anniversary of adeath of somebody that was
really important to me.
That made me really sad and, Iopened up about this to this new
potential partner and the waythat he showed up for me, the
(32:15):
way that he communicated the waythat he held space for me was so
incredible, especially forsomeone that I hadn't known very
long.
That was just such a truetestament of the quality of this
person and the compatibilitybetween us, because that's the
stuff that I need.
That's the stuff that is apriority to me in my life and in
(32:36):
my relationships and is atestament of the type of people
I want in my life and it's justlittle things like that.
That really aren't that littleactually at all Being able to
have the difficult conversationsand see how your partner shows
up for you and sharing traumaand seeing how your partner can
(32:58):
hold space or not is soimportant.
I feel like we both have beenthrough a lot and we were
opening up to each other aboutthings that happened in
childhood or happened, just afew months prior or just a
couple of weeks or whatever,like whatever we're dealing
with, and the way a partner isable to hold space is so
(33:22):
important.
Everybody has stuff it's justwho can hold it, who is
compatible in the way that theycan carry and hold you.
That's more of an importantfactor than some of these other
superficial things.
There's some things that, maybeare challenges for us, but I'm
willing to work through thembecause of the way this person
shows up for me in these othermuch more important ways, in my
(33:44):
opinion.
Something that I've opened upabout on the podcast.
I haven't gone into detailreally before, but this is a
theme that I know a lot of womenespecially, men too.
I don't want to just say women,men too, but especially women
have dealt with.
The statistic is one in threewomen, unfortunately will be a
(34:06):
victim of a sexual assault intheir lifetime and
unfortunately, I've had my ownstruggles with this in my
younger years I thought it wassomething that I had integrated
and moved past and the more I'vethought about it recently the
more, I realized these themesstill come up in my
(34:27):
relationships.
I'm still dealing with them andI get triggered by certain
conversations, certain topics orcertain things and being able to
open up to a partner about thesethings and the way you're
feeling and how it's affectingyou today and in your
relationship dynamic now isimportant Something that
(34:48):
happened a decade ago now andunfortunately, there was
something that happened a fewmonths ago before I met this
partner that brought up a lot ofthis old trauma and I feel like
it set me back a little bit inmy healing journey and it just
goes to show that healing isn'tlinear.
(35:08):
I've done a lot of work onmyself and I still have these
things that come up.
I still feel triggered sometimesby stuff that happens.
Maybe we're having aconversation or something just
reminds me of this time in mylife that I'm so triggered by
still, and being able tocommunicate with your partner
(35:29):
and have them being able to holdspace for you and meet you with
so much love I feel like havingthese conversations and the
depth in the relationship issuch a better indicator of
health and growth than if we'realways laughing or we never have
(35:51):
an argument or we never have adisagreement or we never run
into any type of wounding ortriggering.
Oftentimes we're triggered byour partner as we're growing and
healing.
Things in our life will come outthat will show us where we're
not healed and having theseconversations and having a
(36:12):
partner that can hold space foryou is so important.
That's what creating consciouspartnership is about.
I know that was a lot to unpackand I'm still working on what
conscious partnership means tome.
What type of relationship I'msearching for and I'm seeking
(36:34):
and I'm building now, and I feellike it's something that's
always going to be evolving.
I think as long as we're askingourselves these questions and
we're being curious and we'rebeing conscious then we're in a
really good spot The mostimportant piece is to listen to
your own intuition first andyour own guide because we're all
(37:00):
very intuitive.
We all have gifts and some of usjust lean into them a little bit
more naturally, but in yourheart, whether or not this
person's right for you orwhether or not you want to be in
this partnership or thisrelationship and I don't even
want to say partnership becauseI want to acknowledge that so
(37:22):
many people now are in openmarriages or open relationships
or polyamorous.
I think there's something tothat Evolutionary, we never were
designed as humans to have oneperson meet all of our needs and
I don't think that necessarilymeans you need to open the
relationship up or you can bemonogamous and happy, but
thinking that one person isgoing to meet all of your needs
(37:43):
is just so unrealistic.
I don't think you need tonecessarily supplement or
outsource in the relationship.
I think, having friendships andhaving a life outside of your
partner and having your ownstuff going on is so important.
When your partner becomeseverything to you, that's when
you run into these issuesWhenever we're in new
(38:03):
partnership or we'rere-evaluating partnership or
relationships, I should sayintuitively looking inside
yourself as your guide andtaking it one step at a time
being like, okay, today, what doI want today?
what is going to serve myhighest good today?
(38:24):
Accepting different types ofrelationships in different
stages of relationships is okaytoo.
I don't think again, slapping aset of presets on what our
relationship is supposed to looklike, what a healthy
relationship is There's been somany social constructs and
social norms and a set of rulesset on us of what relationships
(38:44):
are supposed to be and whatthey're supposed to look like
and if you know yours doesn'tlook like that, it's wrong or
you don't really care about eachother.
It's whatever you want to do,whatever's gonna make you happy
and fulfilled and things canevolve and I think that that's
okay.
The whole concept of marriageand everything else and death,
do us part, all of that isreally all based on the
(39:07):
patriarchy and religion andownership and it's 2024 we can
write our own rules.
We can figure out what feelsgood for us and again, as long
as we're asking ourselves thesequestions and we're creating
conscious relationships itdoesn't really matter what it
looks like.
It doesn't really matter whatanyone else thinks.
At the end of the day, it's yourrelationship and it's what's
(39:28):
going to make you happy andforget about everyone else.
Just do you, boo.
That's what I'm doing and yeah Ifeel for the first time in my
life, not just in myrelationships, in a lot of
different aspects of my life,I'm realizing that I can make my
own rules and I can design mylife to look any way I want it
(39:50):
to whether that's yourrelationship, your career your
whatever, people pleasing is outand radical responsibility of
ourself and our happiness andour life is very much in, so
anyways, this episode covered alot.
If you guys have any questions,feel free to message me.
(40:13):
Let me know what you think.
Let me know if you guys enjoyedthis episode.
I love talking aboutrelationships I'm definitely not
the expert.
I just I have my experiences andI'm always trying to learn from
them and grow from them.
Anyways, love you guys.
Thanks so much for listening.
Bye.
Hey guys, thanks so much forlistening.
(40:34):
If you enjoyed today's episode,remember to comment, like, and
subscribe.
Share it with your friends.
It really does help me.
You can also go to my website atbecomingsunshine.
com and subscribe to mynewsletter.
You can support the podcastthere.
Thanks again.
I appreciate you guys so muchand we'll talk soon.
(40:55):
Bye!
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