December 11, 2024 • 53 mins
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From Placeholder to Dream Girl: Prioritizing Yourself for Better Relationships
In this episode of 'Becoming Sunshine,' the host reflects on a personal epiphany about being a placeholder in past relationships and shares insights on transitioning from being a 'lover girl' to a 'dream girl.' Emphasizing the importance of self-prioritization, she discusses how focusing on oneself can shift relationship dynamics and ensure men continue to pursue and value them. She provides actionable advice on maintaining personal power, avoiding people-pleasing tendencies, and recognizing personal growth opportunities. Additionally, she touches on the importance of keeping private life private and surrounding oneself with genuine, supportive friends.
00:00 Introduction to Becoming Sunshine
00:32 Epiphany and Realization
01:08 From Placeholder to Dream Girl
02:47 The Power of Prioritizing Yourself
03:55 Understanding Relationship Dynamics
05:50 The Role of Men and Women in Relationships
09:00 The Importance of Self-Worth
13:36 The Dream Girl Mindset
17:42 The Secret Sauce to Relationships
25:55 Be Your Own Dream Girl
26:08 Men Should Pursue You
26:23 Maintaining Your Power
29:14 Signs to Pull Back
32:07 Let Him Do Nice Things
35:21 Focus on Yourself
38:13 Lessons in Love
42:07 Keep Your Private Life Private
49:20 Embrace Change and Growth
51:17 Gratitude and Moving Forward
53:00 Conclusion and Farewell
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Madeline (00:00):
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Samson Q2U Microphone & Fac (00:27):
Hey friends.
So welcome back to my podcasttoday.
I had an epiphany.
It was actually like, one ofthose terrible thoughts, wakes
you up and then you can't goback to sleep cause it's just so
horrifying like thoserealizations.
Honestly, it was a very hardpill to swallow.
Not even just like a pill, likea giant horse pill, or like a
(00:50):
giant antibiotic that you got,literally I'm talking like a
handful of pills.
Not even like my handful, maybetwo handfuls, maybe two of my
handfuls, or like an NBAplayer's hand, like Shaq's hand,
like his hand full of pills,like swallowing.
That's how I thought.
Basically, I come to therealization that I have been a
(01:12):
placeholder in morerelationships than I care to
admit, and so today's episode isabout how to go from placeholder
to dream girl, because I've beenboth and.
I'm the expert and yeah, andbasically what it comes down to
is why all of us need to retireas lover girls, as a former
(01:35):
lover girl, myself, like I'myour leader and I'm telling you,
it's not the way.
Men would literally rather bewith a girl that doesn't even
like them.
Than a lover girl let that sinkin.
Let that marinate for a second.
They would rather be with a girlthat doesn't even like them, and
(01:56):
if you don't believe me, thinkof all of the men that you don't
like, that you're not interestedin that chase you like you're
their dream girl, or all theguys that you have broken up
with, moved on, got over, andthen as soon as you don't like
them anymore, They're after youagain, they're chasing you.
You're the dream girl again,like.
(02:17):
Why it happens.
Li quite literally all the time.
It's crazy and it makes so muchsense.
There's so many creators outthere, like what I'm saying,
like nothing.
I'm saying today it's like earthshattering or I don't know.
Maybe it's just, obviously ittook me a while to figure it
out, but there's plenty of otherpeople out there probably saying
the same thing I'm saying,sometimes you hear stuff a
(02:39):
certain way or it reaches you ata certain time and it just like
suddenly just clicks.
But.
Yeah.
men are simple, and it makessense cause the difference
between the dream girl and thelover girl, is that the dream
girl is prioritizing herselfthink about it when you're not
interested in a guy.
You're not prioritizing him.
(03:00):
You're not proposingprioritizing your relationship
with him.
You're prioritizing yourself.
You don't need to like downloadsome girls ebook or like
whatever and figure out like,why your man isn't chasing your,
like, why our relationship isn'tworking out or why you're not a
Jew, like literally this secret,like the whole premise behind
black hat energy is Just focuson yourself, babe.
(03:22):
Like how to get over him, how toget him to slake you, how to get
them to commit.
May I had.
How to get him to propose, likehow to get them to do just focus
on yourself.
Don't worry about him becausewhen you're not worried about
him, he's worried about you.
I promise.
Like women are always.
The inspiration for arelationship.
Like I know we've all heard thatmen control access to
(03:44):
relationships and like womencontrol access to sex and Maybe
there's some truth to that, but.
I don't know, not really.
I feel like women are theinspiration behind
relationships.
Man, you so start wars andbuilds like giant buildings and
like temples and shit and Do themost like impress women?
Like why two men drive?
(04:06):
Nice fancy expensive cars.
why do they.
Spend a thousand dollars ontheir clone and why do they.
I do all these things, not toimpress other men, maybe to an
extent, because they wantrespect from other men, but why
do they want respect from othermen?
And it's To get the girl, likethe girl is going to be with the
(04:27):
guy that is the most,well-respected like the, at the
end of the day, babe.
Who runs the world.
Girls and we just forget thatshit sometimes.
And I think that's by design,guys don't want us to realize
how powerful we are and neitherdo other women, honestly.
A little bit of a tangent, but Ifeel like, the people that hold
(04:48):
women back the most is moreoften than not other women.
So crazy.
So yeah.
That's why I'm out here andembarrassing myself.
I know sometimes people arelike, oh my God, they don't see
that.
Don't tell any guys this, don'tever tell a guy that like,
you've been mistreated in thepast or like you put up with
shit in the past.
Cause then they're like,Figuring out how they can treat
you and what they can get awaywith and yeah, that's true.
(05:10):
But also that's, if you're stillthat person and if you've grown
since then, And you're on thatperson anymore than length.
Doesn't matter what you put upwith in the past.
Like you've grown, you're notgoing to put up with it again
and Anyone that's a true king.
he's not trying to figure outwhat he can get away with.
at least not consciously, likeof course men are going to push
the boundaries.
(05:30):
And that's why we need to havestandards and boundaries and set
expectations for them andourselves, but.
Yeah, I man, that is Coming intothe relationship, already with
an agenda or worried about whathe can get away with or how I
can treat you or like how I canlike finesse or whatever.
Like it's not going to end upbeing the man for you.
It's don't even worry about it.
He's on the one.
(05:50):
And I understand being a lovergirl as a retired lover, all
myself, When you fall for a guy,you care about him.
Like you want to take care ofhim and cater to him.
And that was like a verymothering, nurturing energy.
But Put on yourself.
Give that to yourself, get outto yourself and your kids first,
before you give that to a man,there's other ways to take care
(06:12):
of a man that's Wifey likewomanly, like romantic partner
energy, not mothering energy.
No guy wants to date or marryhis mom.
And if he does that's a problem.
And you don't want to be withthat guy.
Like he should be in therapy anddealing with that in a different
way.
And you should be far away fromlast situation.
And I think this realizationcame from me always wondering
(06:35):
why at the beginning of ourrelationship I'm always the
dream girl, like guys, alwayschasing me guys are always
trying to ask me on a day.
Like there they're lining up totake me on a date quite
literally.
And I'm, I've never been onethat was like, interested in
Dating a guy or like pursuing aguy, never in my life have I
looked at a guy?
(06:55):
I've been like, wow, he is sohandsome and intelligent and
successful.
I want to date him.
I want him to be my husband.
I want him to be my boyfriendthat quite literally has never
happened.
Not one time.
Have I ever dated someone that Iwanted first that's just not
what happens men naturally, arethe pursuers and that's where
(07:16):
they thrive.
That was sir, like their rolemen are designed to chase and to
lead and they should always bethe one furthering the
relationship, like in thebeginning, they're the one
pursuing you.
It should never change and it'snot about being out of reach
slightly or like being a littlebit scary or dating down a
little bit.
(07:36):
I like maybe gosh, just the waythat other women have explained
it.
I don't think it's about that.
I think it's about justprioritizing yourself.
Cause like, why would a manchoose today?
A girl that doesn't even likehim.
Over a lover girl.
And it's probably because whatdoes she have in common with a
dream girl?
She's prioritizing herself,especially if she doesn't even
(07:58):
really like him.
Hello.
And I'm sure this has happenedto some of you before.
after you get out of arelationship with the guy that
you were really in love with andyou're heartbroken and you go to
see who they date after you andyou're just like, that's a very
interesting choice.
Like you're a little bitconfused, You're just like what,
is and maybe this is bad advice,but whatever, they say, don't
(08:20):
compare yourself to other womenor other girls or other
situations, but Do it, try it,compare yourself, look at this
woman and be like he chose thiswoman.
Like, why is she better than me?
Is she smarter than me?
Is she prettier than me?
Is she more talented than me?
Is she more creative than me?
More likely than not.
She's.
Not at all.
She's probably like prettymediocre.
(08:41):
Honestly.
I don't actually think I've everdated a guy who dated a girl
after me that I consideredbetter than we any way.
And.
It's just like, why is that?
Like, why would they choose thisperson over me?
And Somewhere along the line inthe relationship.
I south prioritizing myself andmy goals and my dreams, and I
(09:05):
stopped being my own dream girland I started prioritizing numb
in the relationship and ifyou're not even your own dream
girl, how can you expect to besomebody else's Bosley may make
sense?
And I know some of you are overhere oh my goodness, Madeline,
like, how could you say you'rebetter than this other girl?
Or you're better than anyone.
(09:25):
You shouldn't think you'rebetter than anyone.
I don't know, who came up withthat propaganda that we
shouldn't think that we'rebetter than other people.
I think this is my life, and ifI'm achieving, in pursuing my
highest self.
I should think that I'm betterthan some people, but because I
don't think the majority ofpeople are pursuing their.
(09:45):
Best sells and they don't havemy same values or may same moral
compass or like my samewhatever.
And if I'm trying to be the bestversion of myself and the best
version of myself is like thisamazing person and I don't think
other people are doing that.
Like, I'm probably about it in.
Um, like, I think that's fine.
This is your life.
You should think.
That you are better than somepeople, if not what are you
(10:08):
doing?
What are you doing wrong?
Like, why don't you think aboutit than some people you should
be working on yourself?
You should be getting your bodywhere you want to, you should be
getting your life where you wantto getting your career where you
want to, where your finances,where you want to your
happiness, like everything.
If you're really working onbeing your highest self, you
should think.
Yeah.
I'm the shit.
I'm pretty great.
I've got to go in on, I don'tthink that's like.
(10:30):
Narcissism.
I think that's just like beingconfident in what you have,
because you've worked hard toget there.
you've done a lot of healing.
You've done a lot ofintegrating.
You've done a lot of work.
And yeah, I'm not shit.
What.
Hello.
And.
Again, back to thinking aboutthe beginning of our
relationship.
Guys are always pursuing me.
(10:51):
It seems like guys wouldliterally move mountains to be
with me in the beginning of arelationship, doing the most,
like it's actually so crazy.
And this is, I'm not eventalking about one particular
guy, like this has happened onmultiple occasions.
These guys, these like huge likeentrepreneurs, investors, these.
Guys that are like big wile todo in the world are intimidated.
(11:15):
By me and scared, literallyshaking, so nervous to be on a
date with me.
And they've even admitted.
They're like, I've never gottenlike that before around anybody.
Ever, like I've been aroundcelebrities, I've been around
CEOs.
Business owners, Titans ofindustry.
And I don't get choked up.
I don't like fumble my words.
I don't get nervous.
And then when I'm on a date withyou, like our first date, I'm so
(11:39):
nervous, I'm sweating, likewhat?
And then I go from that, I gofrom that level.
Same girl, same person.
To being a placeholder.
And this has happened more thanone.
So Not saying these guys arelike perfect or they're amazing,
or they're gray, or they're nota problem.
Like obviously none of them arethe one for me, they all have
their flaws too, but like thecommon denominator here is me.
(12:01):
so when I think about it likethat, I'm like, okay, what is
going on between.
The beginning of a relationship,the middle, and then the end of
the relationship, like whathappens and It's easy to shift
blame and blame your partner andbe like, oh, like he loved balmy
or he Gaslight me or he playedme.
You're like that fake version ofthe guy in the beginning.
(12:22):
It was like, always so fire,like those memes and stuff,
which like, I always saw that.
Cause there's a level ofToxicity and humor that I have,
but at the end of the day, Weneed to take accountability for
the Raleigh planner onsuffering.
And we need to take care of ourside of the street first, before
we want to Look at anyone else.
And I think a lot of times too,we attract the same.
(12:45):
Partners or similar situationsover and over again.
And so we like.
Finally learn a lesson.
The universe just keeps sendingus the same thing over and over
again, different skin suit.
And I think I finally havefigured it out.
My spirit guides up there, likeshaking their heads, And it's
just they didn't really changebecause again even if they did
(13:05):
change, they had some likemessiness, some weirdness and
funny movement going on.
It doesn't matter.
They are not the inspiration forthe relationship.
Again, we are where theinspiration for the
relationship.
So if I'm changing, if I'mswitching it up, third
relationship dynamic is going tochange.
It's not really anything thatthey do because we set the
standard, We set the pace Whereare the ones that actually have
(13:26):
all the power and that we're incontrol.
Whether or not you realize thator not it's true.
We are.
So if the dynamic is changing,think about your behavior.
Think about what's changed inthe relationship.
in the beginning of arelationship, I'm prioritizing
myself, I'm prioritizing mysingle girl life.
I'm prioritizing.
My career, my, I don't like theword hobbies, my passions, I'm
(13:49):
prioritizing my girlfriends.
I'm prioritizing my dogs.
I'm prioritizing my nailappointment.
I'm not reschedulingappointments or.
Blowing off friends toaccommodate his schedule.
And then as soon as I, catchfeelings or I start to get a
really emotionally invested.
I want to start catering to himand his needs and changing my
(14:10):
schedule and being moreaccommodating and it's just
like, that would be fine.
I think maybe if I was datinganother woman, but
unfortunately, and I don't say,unfortunately I say that as a
joke that like, I'm attracted tomen and I usually date men.
And men and women are differentin this way.
Like what women and men valueand relationships and what they
(14:32):
need is very different.
women want to feel accommodatedto, and men want to feel valued,
respected, and appreciated.
And the way we show each otherlove and the way we catered to
one another is different.
So me accommodating them andchanging my schedule, like that
would.
(14:52):
Be good if I was dating anotherwoman, but like when you do
things for a man and you startto spoil a man in that way,
they're not going to think of itthe same way as like we would,
if a man was doing those thingsfor us, like if a man is.
Doing nice things for me.
doing things to accommodate me.
I think, wow.
(15:12):
He's so amazing.
Like he's so great.
What a great guy.
I'm so lucky, but if I start todo that stuff for a man.
They think.
Wow, I'm so amazing.
She's doing all of this for me,she's changing her schedule for
me.
I must be more important.
Mimi me.
And then you up here on thepedestal starts to come down off
(15:35):
the pedestal and they start toput themselves up on the
pedestal inside.
And they become the princess andthe relationship.
Or they start to think.
Is this really my dream girl,like she's doing all this for
me.
I'm so amazing.
Her schedule her life isn't asimportant as mine.
She must know something that Idon't.
I thought she was the dreamgirl.
(15:56):
I thought she was slightly outof reach.
I thought she was out of myleague.
And now I'm like am I too goodfor her?
Do I need to start looking forsomeone else out there?
And I think this is too why menstart to become one Faisal.
Why they start Sci-Hub.
A wandering eye, why they startto, look around because they
start to second guess you andthe relationship and they think,
(16:18):
maybe there is a better girl outthere for me, because I'm so
great.
And she obviously sees somethingthat I didn't see before and now
I need to go find someone evenbetter than her.
And like most of the time, likeyou're probably the best are
ever going to get.
And guys can use whatever excuse
they need to like, justify, whyyou've become the placeholder or
(16:39):
like why suddenly you've gonefrom dream girl to placeholder
and they taken you off thepedestal.
I'm telling you, it's literallyyou and it's a state of mind.
It's nothing that you dobecause.
Men and women are not the same.
Like we value men for what theydo and men value themselves for
what they do.
It doesn't matter what we do.
(17:00):
It doesn't matter about like ourcareer.
It doesn't matter about like ourstatus or like place and see how
pretty, nothing, none of thatmatters.
Guys value women for who theyare, like our essence, like that
is the difference between likemasculine and feminine energy.
Like.
Our essence, like there'snothing that we're going to
bring to the table that theycan't bring for themselves or do
(17:21):
for themselves.
the only thing that men needfrom us.
It's our energy and our essence.
So that's why they value us.
Guys.
So definitely use excuses, likemy career, like my lifestyle,
like whatever, they don't likeit.
They can't.
Deal with it.
They count whatever, and likemaybe some of that is like their
own insecurities, but like atthe end of the day,
(17:42):
men will do nothing.
If they don't have to, and ifthey have to, men will do.
Anything.
And once you understand that youunderstand men and that's really
the only advice you will everneed.
Men will do anything.
If they have to, like men willmove mountains.
Men are problem solvers.
(18:03):
If there's a problem and you'rehis dream girl, if there's a
barrier, there's an obstacle.
He's going to find a solution.
He's going to figure it out.
he doesn't like your career.
He doesn't like your job.
He doesn't like your star.
He's gonna do whatever to changeyour circumstances.
If he believes you are his dreamgirl.
He will find a way to make ithappen.
That is W what we love aboutmen.
(18:23):
That is how men are designed.
That is how men are.
he'll figure it out becauseyou're his dream girl.
You're his future.
You are his life.
But.
If you're not, he doesn't seeyou that way.
He's not going to do anything.
And Gary he'll make an excuse.
I'd be like, oh, the X, Y, Z.
Sorry, we can't be together.
Sorry, baby.
You're amazing.
I love you.
You're so amazing.
(18:44):
You're perfect.
You're blah, blah, blah, blah.
Like, guys will be like, you'rethe most beautiful, intelligent,
creative, best taste, bestkisses, best lover, best
everything gear the best of thebest of the best.
But I don't want to be with you,but you're not for me.
And then they'll go be with somemediocre bitch.
(19:04):
And it's just what?
And it's cause they don't seeyou as this dream girl.
As their dream crawl.
That's all it is.
That's it.
It's Alex.
It's more hurtful.
That's probably why they come upwith an excuse.
Cause they probably are like,I'll let me just ease this blow.
But then you're sitting theretrying to question the star.
It doesn't matter.
Don't question there.
It's all gonna make sense.
Cause it's not true.
(19:25):
They excuse us.
That's not the reason.
And like it's a simple fix.
Like you have all the power tobe the dream girl.
It's literally just a mindsetshift and an attitude show
notes.
And.
It starts and ends with you,babe.
Samson Q2U Microphone & Face (19:38):
So I get it, I'm was a lover girl,
and it's crazy.
I it's like, how could I go frombeing on this pedestal to being.
taking for granted.
I haven't lost value.
Like if anything, I'm, more intohim, I'm more there for him.
I wanna make sure he knows thisis like a safe relationship.
I'm more accommodating, I'm moreinvested.
(20:00):
I'm more, whatever.
And it's just that's exactly theproblem.
I start accommodating him andhis schedule and his needs over
my own.
I take myself off the pedestal.
He didn't need to do it.
I did it myself.
The second you startprioritizing their schedule over
yours.
Is when you start to be takingfor granted, that is a one-way
(20:21):
train to being taken for grantedtown.
I know I used to live there.
It's not nice and it's not anice neighborhoods, not a fun
time.
Samson Q2U Microphone & Fac (20:29):
And like you're fumbling yourself.
Like they didn't even fumbleyou, you fumbled yourself and
the relationship by prioritizingthem over you and forgetting
the, your, the dream girl, youstopping your own dream girl and
you stop prioritizing yourself.
Ergo you become the placeholder.
And.
At first this probably isn'teven conscious, but then as They
(20:52):
start to view you a differentway.
They're not just going to like.
Get rid of you, especially,because you're so pretty.
You're so fun to be around.
You're so amazing.
And also your ears.
So accommodating now, like youmake their lives so easy, you
make their lives so convenient.
Being a convenient lover girl.
Is like the downfall of That islike suicide in a relationship.
(21:16):
If you want the relationship toabsolutely blow up in your face.
Be the convenient lover girl,no, we're not doing that
anymore.
We're retired.
We're retired guys.
Like we're done.
it's so crazy.
when I think about, and I'm noteven speaking about one
particular relationship, peoplethat know me are welcome to make
their assumptions about who I'mtalking about.
But I think about all the womenthat men have dated after me.
(21:40):
And it's just Mind-boggling it'sactually so crazy.
It's so confusing and a lot ofmy ego is probably involved.
Like I couldn't see.
I was actually going on becauseI was just so confused.
I was like, what?
And I'm sure like you guys doyou like you, someone like as
beautiful and creativeintelligent funny and clever as
(22:01):
you like an icon.
You like, so yeah, if this couldhappen to me, it can happen to
any.
Obviously.
Y'all are my son's own humorous.
So like a coughing fit.
But yeah, literally It hasnothing to do with you.
You can be the most beautiful.
Compatible.
Intelligent.
Ambitious.
(22:23):
Amazing girl.
And he literally doesn't matterif you stop.
Prioritizing yourself andremembering that about yourself.
They will stop her memory andthen they will start to do
things.
To reinforce that narrative.
And then you're going to startsecond guessing yourself.
You're going to startquestioning yourself.
You're going to start dealingwith your own self-worth issues,
(22:44):
especially, if you break up.
Or you take a break, they startdating someone else immediately.
Cause that's what guys do.
And you look at the other girland you're like, whoa, like that
lots who you chose.
That's who you decided wasbetter than me.
And instead of thinking aboutthis logically and realizing
what actually happened, youstart to compare yourself and
(23:05):
you're like, I don't think thescroll is like, Superior in any
way.
Yeah.
He shows this girl over me, whatis wrong with me?
You start to look at yourselfdifferently and No, no babe.
No, the way that like, we canfall in love with a Roach, like
Mankin love literally Or chaseor that's why it literally
doesn't matter, like men arevisual, but at the end of the
(23:26):
day, in order to get princesstreatment and be the dream girl,
it's literally a state of mindbeing a dream girls, literally
an attitude and a state of mind,like.
I think about it this way.
If you are your own dream girl,you're taking care of yourself,
you're getting your hair ashealthy as it can be.
You're getting your teeth ashealthy as they can be.
Your skin, your nails, like yourbody, your mind, like you're
(23:51):
happy in your career.
You're happy in your life.
Like you're thriving.
You are your own dream girl.
You are on your way to beingyour highest self you're living
that life, or like on the waythere.
And Taking a line to auction tobe that person, like who
wouldn't want to be with you.
Like you want to be around you,you want to be with you.
that's amazing.
Like.
Of course, you're going toattract all these guys.
(24:13):
So that's why, when you'resingle again, and you're back to
working on yourself, that's whyAltra relationship, like after a
breakup.
You always become hotter.
You always become moresuccessful.
And it's it's because you'reprioritizing yourself again.
And then you attract all theseguys.
Of course, like the guy thatbroke your heart always goes
back.
Always every single time.
And then maybe you take himback, but then what happens
(24:34):
again?
What happens again?
Do you start to prioritize therelationship and him again?
And it's just a cycle.
Yeah.
And you start to get into thesetoxic cycles.
Yeah, I know.
I've been there.
I've been there.
I've been there.
I've been there.
men and women are just fundamentally
different.
women want to feel seenunderstood accommodated taking
(24:55):
care of and save and men want tofeel respected, valued, and
appreciated.
Where's your stuff rent.
Like you don't need toaccommodate his schedule, babe.
He should be accommodating youin yours.
There's other ways to show a manthat you value him and
appreciate him.
He is going to feel amazing,having a beautiful, confident
(25:19):
well Rusted woman on his arm.
That's going to make him feellike he's big dog.
Not you running yourself,ragged, taking care of him and
taking care of his needs.
No, that's not going to make himfeel like a man.
That's not going to make himfeel high value, he's going to
feel high value having youbecause you're the prize don't
ever forget that.
(25:40):
You are the prize and he's goingto feel like the king because he
has you.
He has his beautiful queen.
Hope that helps.
Samson Q2U Microphone & Face (25:48):
So That's it.
That's the secret sauce.
That's all you need to know youdon't need to read any more
books.
you don't need to take any morecourses.
you literally just need to beyour own dream girl and
prioritize yourself, focusingyourself and You'll get whatever
you want.
You'll get the guy.
You'll get the dream life.
Cause you're working on it.
You'll get everything and that'show you keep men.
Pursuing that's how you keep menloyal, Datto.
(26:11):
You keep men invested in therelationship.
That's how you get your man topropose.
That's how you get your man tobe an attentive partner and
father, and like everything.
It's it's you.
Or the driving force, like youare the inspiration, this
second, you become the onefurthering the relationship.
The second you become the onereaching for them oh, what is he
(26:34):
doing?
Like, where are we going?
Are we going to dinner tonight?
Are we hanging out later?
Are you seeking to call me like,Are we going to get married?
Are we going to go on a date?
Are we going to go?
No, you shouldn't be like, youshouldn't be worried about any
of that.
He should be the one up atnight.
Worried about you about losingyou because you are such a
goddess.
A goddess is not up at night.
Or like sitting at homecanceling plans with their
(26:55):
friends, because he might callwe might have plans later.
Either you do or you don't haveplans bay, like there isn't a,
we might like, if you think youmight like you don't, you have
plans with your girlfriends.
That's what you have plans with.
Like you're not sitting at home.
Waiting for him to make theplans the men are the ones
furthering the relationship,furthering the connection,
(27:17):
furthering the progression ofthe relationship.
They're the ones that are askingyou on the dates.
They're the ones.
Asking you to be theirgirlfriends.
They're the ones asking you togive their wives?
Like they're the ones.
Pursuing you and furthering therelationship in this second, you
are reaching for them, and thesecond that you are trying to
further the relationship you'velost your power.
(27:39):
No.
Absolutely not.
Absolutely not.
Men need to be the ones.
Driving the relationship forwardand pursuing you and progressing
the relationship.
And if, for whatever reason,they're not.
And you're sitting there andyou're working on yourself and
you're pursuing your own life.
First of all, there's just noway that's going to happen
(27:59):
because you're so amazing.
They're going to be up at night,worried about losing.
You're thinking of.
More ways to accommodate you andlock you down because You're a
dream girl.
you're so amazing.
You're out there doing your ownthing.
Worried about yourself, out withyour girlfriends.
Getting your haircut on takingcare of yourself.
Of course he's chasing you.
Of course, he's doing everythingin his power.
(28:19):
To lock you down and pursue therelationship further and
accommodate you and make youhappy.
That's how you get princesstreatment.
That's how you get the dreamlife and the dream relationship.
It all starts and ends with you,babe.
You got this?
And I got it.
I Feel like I was a selectivedream girl.
Some people have like selectivelistening.
(28:41):
Like I was selectively a dreamgirl.
At the beginning of therelationship or when I'm single,
I am the dream girl, I have theessence, I have the attitude.
I have the filling, I ha I liveby it, but like, you start to
catch feelings and you want toaccommodate them.
But also too why do we start tofuss about the relationship?
Why do we start to worry aboutwhat he's doing?
(29:02):
What pictures he's liking, Wherehe's going, who he's with, like
what Sally at the next table?
What do you thinks of salad?
No, like why?
And like, why are we gettinginsecure about the relationship
and.
I think if we are with a manthat starts to make us feel
insecure, we probably shouldn'tbe with that guy.
Like we probably shouldn't bewith that, man.
He's probably not the one.
(29:23):
He probably houses oninsecurities.
Or his own issues.
That he hasn't dealt with andhe's projecting them onto the
relationship.
And I think if you're at.
The dream girl level in thebeginning.
And you start to feel anxiousabout the relationship where you
start to feel like, you need tohold on tighter.
You need to start to pursue himor.
(29:46):
Keep tabs on him it should beassigned to you.
To pull back, not to leanforward, lean into the
relationship, pull back.
And maybe take a second and belike, Hey, this guy that was
pursuing me, who, is movingmountains, putting me on a
pedestal.
Now I'm worried about what he'sdoing.
He's acting different.
He's moving funny.
(30:06):
He's being inconsistent.
Why would that make me reach forhim?
That should make you want topull back.
I understand you like him, youcare about him, but The
character traits.
and the characteristics thathe's showing you now are not
what he showed you in thebeginning, the man that you fell
for and form this attachment tois the man that you met in the
beginning.
So if he's being inconsistent,he's not really that guy, like
(30:27):
you don't need to worry and youdon't need to sweat and stress
yourself about the sky andlosing the sky.
Because obviously he's showingyou that he's not really this
sky and pulling back and takinga step back in the beginning
before, you get even moreinvested.
We'll help in the long run,because if you start to pull
(30:50):
back.
And he doesn't immediately.
Snap back.
To reality and be like, oh mygosh, I'm about to lose my dream
girl.
I'm acting a fool and get ittogether.
And got back in line then, he'snot the one.
Period.
And you've saved yourself a lotof time.
And he's just removed himselfand created more space for the
(31:14):
man that's actually going to beconsistent and is actually your
dream guy and the guy thatactually deserves you.
But if you're reaching for him,Instead.
And he's has bad behavior.
He's seeing that.
Oh Being inconsistent, I'mpushing the boundaries and she's
reaching for me.
(31:35):
As opposed to pulling back, mydream girl would pull back.
My dream girl would not toleratethat.
She would be like, what is this?
This is not what I signed upfor.
This is not the man that I fellfor.
This is not who you presentedyourself to be.
And.
Yeah, I would lose respect foryou too, babe.
I take you off the pedestal tolike you and to it's crazy.
Why are we acting like this?
I understand where lover girlswere like.
(31:56):
We should love the man that wefell for and he should continue
to show up as that man.
And when he's not like.
Pull back, babe.
Pull back.
another thing that.
I've learned miss independent,over hearing, is to be open to
receiving.
I feel like in the beginning ofrelationships sometimes,
especially.
If the guy, is Successful orwhatever.
(32:19):
And he wants to like, do nicethings to me, buy me nice things
in the beginning of therelationship.
And I'm just like, slow yourroll there.
And I think I had honorableintentions.
I think, I didn't want him touse his money or like status or
like whatever to impress me.
I want him to use hispersonality and just be
confident, not, and also Ididn't, want him to think.
(32:40):
That I was using him or like agold Digger, like whatever, but
it's just like, why am I worriedabout what he thinks again,
these people pleasing tendenciesand literally worrying about him
and the relationship and likewhat he thinks like, who cares,
what he thinks.
I know I'm not.
A gold Digger.
I know that my intentions arehonorable.
(33:00):
I don't need to prove that tohim by being like, I don't need
your stuff.
So anything nice.
No, like men.
Bond to us when they do nicethings for us.
And so let them even if he'susing his resources, Because
he's insecure or he has somekind of like alternative motive
(33:21):
or whatever, like that.
It says lesson to learn.
It's not my job to teach him,like, why.
Am I sitting over here trying toteach these grown men?
No, if he wants to do somethingnice for you, if he wants to buy
you something nice, like nothim.
Boss's journey that says lesson,be open to receiving because
like, And might even come off asemasculating Or like rejection.
(33:42):
And if you liked the guy, hewants to show you what he has to
offer you let him.
And also too, in the beginningof a relationship, it sets the
precedent.
If you want a provider, man, ifyou want a man that does things
for you and surprises, youbrings you guests, does nice
things for you.
And he's trying to do that inthe beginning of the
(34:03):
relationship.
And you're like, no, like thatdoesn't even make sense.
Let him, it doesn't matter.
How early it is in therelationship, or whatever, if he
wants to do something for you,let him.
Especially, if you want a guythat wants to do things for you,
like that's so weird, me beingsuch a people pleaser and like
overthinking and worrying somuch about what someone thinks
(34:23):
or what other people think likeI'm messing up.
My own relationship.
Because of.
I don't even know it doesn'teven, it's so crazy.
It's so insane.
guys want to do things for usthat, we either can't do for
ourselves or we won't do forourselves.
And let them be that guy, letthem do that.
Even if you can do it yourself,let them.
(34:46):
Let them.
Literally.
I'm in an era of let them if aguy wants to do something for
me, let him, if he doesn't wantto do something for me.
Let him, like people are goingto show you.
You know who they are, theirintentions, by their actions.
And.
could just sit back and notthat.
(35:06):
And move accordingly andprioritize yourself.
Focus on yourself.
And.
Yeah.
Just a lot of the things thatI've learned recently, and I
definitely am going to be takinga break from dating.
not cause I'm like better, likewhatever, but I think I need to
get back to focusing on myselfand becoming my own dream goal
(35:28):
first and then I'll attract theright guy.
But I know when I do finally putmyself back out there that I'm
going to move a lot differently.
I'm not just going to be aselective dream girl.
I'm going to be the dream girlalways and forever
Samson Q2U Microphone & Fac (35:42):
And also too.
Going off of what I said, likethat's his lesson to learn.
Like it's not my job to teachhim.
I feel like I been inrelationships before.
Where I was trying to like healthe man I was with.
And it's just like, why am I.
Trying to heal this grown manand teach this grown man.
(36:04):
like, why am I.
Trying so hard.
Two.
Make a relationship work withthis unhealed demand or teach
this man.
like this man has grown or likehe's growing into himself,
whatever.
Some guys are young, like I'mstill like relatively young FID,
someone my own age.
Like he's still growing.
Why am I trying to.
Do the growth for him?
(36:25):
Do the healing for him.
people.
Grow the most after they falland They have to dust themselves
off and they have to figure itout.
And it's just like, why am Itrying to save.
This man from his biggest growthpoints.
Whether or not I think this manis my husband first of all, who
he is now?
No, he's not like I've done mywork.
(36:46):
I've done making Lang he's notdoing his, why am I trying to
save him from his own growth andhis own healing?
I'm doing a disservice to him.
I'm enabling him.
And like maybe once he actuallyfalls.
Picked himself up grows throughthis grows into himself.
Maybe then he'll actually beworthy of being my husband,
maybe he'll be worthy of thewoman that he was trying to
(37:09):
reach for up on this pedestal.
Like, why am I bringing myselfdown?
To try to like, fix him overhere, like Barbara, the builder,
fix this guy when That's hisjob.
Like he needs to grow into asalt lake.
He needs to be the man that Ideserved though, is a worthy of
a goddess like me, of a womanlike me, it's just crazy.
I shouldn't be wanting to raisemy son with a man that's healed,
(37:31):
not healing, this grown man andtrying to raise someone else's
son like that doesn't even makesense.
And I'm not saying people can'tchange.
People can't grow intothemselves.
Like maybe this person thatyou're dating he's being
inconsistent.
He, as on healed, he has trauma.
I'm not saying he's not yourhusband.
He probably isn't.
But he's Definitely not yourhusband now, but let him go.
(37:52):
Let them go.
Let him try to grow into himselfand then see if he becomes
worthy of you and that person,and if not, it's a, win-win like
he's going to go off.
And he is going to learn theselessons and he's going to grow
and he's going to be better offand he's going to be happy.
And you're going to find someoneyou're aligned with you're going
to find your true king.
(38:13):
I heard this recently onInstagram and it definitely
struck a chord with me.
I got emotional.
It basically said that sometimeswe meet people in order to show
them the way.
And sometimes people meet us toshow us that.
The way we were going wasn't theright way.
(38:33):
And what he meant was thatsometimes we meet people to show
them what unconditional love is,especially, If they weren't
shown it, going up.
Like they never reallyexperienced it.
They've always chose partnersthat, you know, hot and.
Motive or some kind of agenda orwhatever, especially, if that
mimicked the way they grew upwith their parents or they just
(38:56):
never felt worthy of love orThey had to achieve in order to
get love or they had to buytheir love or whatever.
And so they continuously pickpartners that mimic that so they
can try to hopefully heal that.
And then, they met you.
And they maybe weren't ready foryou, but you know, you showed
them what true genuine authenticlove is and they showed you
(39:20):
that, maybe you are a little bittoo naive with that love and who
you have chosen to show it to,and I'm sure like you had your
own wounding and your ownlessons to learn there and I
think this is kind of part ofthat.
And Yeah, they show you thatmaybe not everyone is ready for
(39:40):
that love And there's a lessonin it for both of you and like
they're going to take that lovethat you gave them and integrate
those lessons and hopefully gooff and be happy and you're
going to learn to discern betterand share your love with people
that deserve it and people thatare worthy of it and, I think
(40:04):
some of that.
You have to give back toyourself.
I'm not saying you don't loveyourself because I definitely
do, you may be like, Prioritizeother people before yourself.
And you need to give that backto yourself and then you're
going to meet other people thatare more aligned and that are
more worthy of that love andthat attention.
(40:24):
I think I've had that last thinga few times and I think I
finally have really integratedit going forward and yeah.
I never need to get revenge orlike payback or anything like
any love I gave to a partner'sthey're sticky because I know
they definitely needed it andit's made me better.
(40:45):
In the long run, you know, likealways better, never better.
Okay.
I can be better sometimes.
but I always come back tomyself.
I always come back to my highestself and I'm like, okay Back to
dream girl, what would dreamgirl do?
And sometimes if you aren'treally sure you don't have
clarity around who your dreamgirl is.
Find someone to emulate and I'llcopy but like an archetype I
(41:08):
heard this on a differentpodcast.
She was talking about this book,it's called the art of seduction
and there's different archetypesthat you naturally lean towards
and you can figure out which oneis yours and, start to emulate
that and start to not use oughtto like manipulate, but just how
(41:28):
to wheels your own personalpower and what your strengths
are and, think of evencharacters in a movie to The
dream girl in the movie, likehow does she, I taught as she
carry herself, like the AngelinaJolie, like the margot Robbie,
the whatever are they pining outor a guy, or are they worried
(41:49):
about themselves as they focuson themselves?
And it's just Remembering whoyou are and the, you are the
main character and you are theleading Laney of your life and
of his life if this is reallyyour king and start acting like
a, Let me guys.
Samson Q2U Microphone & Fa (42:07):
I've also learned a lot too recently
about my platonic relationshipsand that not everybody has the
same heart and the same loyaltyas me which was another
difficult thing, but I thinkthere's just a part of growing
up and like a part of life andI've learned to keep my private
life a lot more private.
I think I used to a lot more andthen with an old friend group
(42:30):
that I had, I felt a need toshare more and open up more and
it's good.
Like it's good to share.
It's good to open up with yourfriends.
That's how you create bonds andthat's how you get closer.
But it was weird.
It was a weird dynamic.
Like I almost felt like I neededto share more of my hardships or
(42:51):
like my downfalls or like badthings that happen or about
things that I went through andit wasn't just to get come for
or whatever.
It was like to get them to likeme more.
It was like, They fell like Iwas this like super perfect
(43:12):
person.
And I thought in my head that ifI shared more Hey, I'm human
too.
I get hurt too.
I get heartbroken too.
It would make me more likableand like more human to them,
which I've come to realize thatthose people were never my
friends, because anyone that iscelebrating your downfalls or
like secretly yes.
(43:33):
Oh my God.
Madeline failed or something'sgonna work out her weight like
those are all your friends.
If your people want to see youfall.
They're not your friends.
If you think you need to dullyourself down so people will
like you, we don't like thosepeople.
We don't care about thosepeople.
I remember one time.
I had a girl, she was my friend.
(43:55):
She was joking.
Also pay attention to the waypeople joke about you because
they're not joking.
No.
I remember she was like, oh,Madeline's so perfect.
We should just throw her into avolcano and sacrificed her.
I don't even remember what shewas talking about, but it was
just like, what, I'm notperfect.
Like obviously.
I'm going to play solar so manytimes, like so embarrassing,
things don't work out for me allthe time, but actually life
(44:17):
life's me a lot, a lot of stuffhappens to me.
So I have someone to wisdom forsomeone my age, like I'm way too
wise for someone my age.
Obviously a lot of shit has gonewrong, but I don't need to lead
with that to get people to likeme.
That's crazy.
Those are not my friends.
Those are not people that I careabout liking me.
What.
I want friends that want tobuild me up and celebrate me and
(44:39):
they're like, wow you're sogreat.
You're such an inspiration.
Like I want to be around peoplethat inspire me and that I think
are great.
I want friends that fill my cupup and add to me and help me
grow.
Like, why would I want to befriends with someone who leads
with Bad things.
That happened to them.
Like the same with likeself-deprecating humor.
(45:01):
I feel like I used to use that alot in my early twenties,
because I felt like it wouldmake people like me better, but
one you're introducing that toyour subconscious and to again,
these are not your friends whocares, but they don't like you
because you're a shiny star.
I'm sorry, those are lame.
Like, why don't you work onyourself?
It's just crazy.
(45:21):
Yeah.
So anyways, keep your privatelife private.
I remember I used to open upabout my relationship and
sometimes if we're havingproblems, like I would talk
about it with some of mygirlfriends or whatever.
And then they literally wouldslide into his DMS and engage
with him and I knew we werehaving problems and Try to be
with him.
They literally would be like,oh, he's trashed.
(45:43):
You should break up with himimmediately.
And then they would go try to bewith them, like crazy.
And luckily this man, despiteour problems had some kind of
loyalty to me and he wouldalways tell me and I'd be like,
wow, it's crazy.
Like really.
Really Brittany, I should breakup with him, that's, I don't
have a friend named Britney, butso just be careful, you don't
need to share your private life.
(46:05):
And also I get it like you wantto advise sometimes.
And sometimes we just want tovent, like understand.
But at the end of the day Ithink, you know exactly.
What you want to do about yourrelationship?
You know what you're ready to doand what you want to do.
And despite what your friends.
Says and what kind of advicethey give you?
You're going to do what you'regoing to do regardless.
(46:28):
And yeah.
I get it.
I love talking about boys withmy friends.
and if you don't know, like youdon't have that internal wisdom
or you're not sure you needclarity.
Journal about it.
Meditate about it.
And also too, like, why do youthink that like, so-and-so has
so much more wisdom about yoursituation than you do?
She's not in the relationship.
(46:49):
He's not in their relationship.
They don't know.
Also.
Are they in a relationship thatyou look up to.
Are they in a dream relationshipdon't ever take advice or take
advice with a grain of salt.
from someone, if they're not ina situation.
That you would trade places withTake advice from, like mentors
(47:10):
and stuff.
And it's they're mentors becausethey've achieved something that
you want and you look up tothem.
But if they don't have the dreamrelationship or the dream
dynamic in the relationship,which is like more key.
Cause there definitely arepeople that I know that like
from the outside they have likea dream relationship.
But I know the dynamic withinthe relationship is like, Quite
(47:33):
the opposite or not the dream.
Like they had to give up likeeverything about themselves to
be in that relationship orchange everything about
themselves.
And that's not my dream.
That might be other people'sdream.
I don't know.
I'm not here to pass judgment.
But.
I don't like.
Just think about that, and I getit sometimes you want to vent
sometimes, just don't talk aboutstuff, but I think there's just
(47:54):
certain things in certaindetails that you can keep to
yourself and.
People are going to show theirtrue colors.
One way or the other, like thetruth is going to come out.
And this way though, you cansave yourself a lot of drama and
a lot of heartache by notoversharing and keeping your
private life private.
That is just my advice for that.
(48:16):
Anyways.
I hope that this has beenhelpful to you guys.
It definitely has taken me waytoo long to.
Figure this out and learn thislesson.
And integrate all of this.
And it's probably something thatI'm always going to have to be
mindful of because they think asa former lover girl, it's easy
(48:40):
to slip back into thesepatterns.
That's why these are patternsThere's a reason why we attract
certain people.
Like I've definitely seen.
And I think there's some truthto it where people say like
psychologists and stuff that wewound match.
And we attract certain peopleto.
Mash certain wounds that wehave, like whether that's from
(49:02):
childhood or whatever.
And the point of this is thesepeople literally ignite these
wounds that we have.
And it's like in order to healthem in order to finally.
Integrate and move on and make adifferent choice next time.
especially when we're trying tomanifest a dream relationship or
(49:23):
a dream partner, the universewill send us test.
The universe will test us themost.
And I've talked about thisbefore.
The universal Tussaud's the mostright before a big manifestation
is about to come through.
Literally when we're doing thework we're healing, we're
reprogramming.
Were rewriting limiting beliefs.
(49:45):
The universe will test us.
They'll be like, are you really.
A vibrational match for whatyou're asking for, for what
you're calling in.
And you're like, yeah, ofcourse.
I've done all the work.
Like I'm there.
I'm there, babe.
I'm there.
And it's like, are you reallyAnd sometimes these tests are
hard to pass.
It'll look like maybe the dream,but there'll be like little
(50:06):
things, to test you and trip youup.
Little things.
Just to see are you going tosettle for what you settled for
before?
Are you going to fall back intopatterns that you've fallen for
before?
Are you really.
A vibrational match to whatyou're calling in.
And.
it's okay.
(50:26):
I felt that to us so many times.
There's literally these railsit's fool me once, fool me
twice, fool me that 37 time.
Like.
Well, I Got to be, keep foolingme, like it's so funny, but God,
I love the internet.
But it's true, What sooner orlater you got to figure it out.
We got to integrate and we gotto move different because if we
(50:47):
really want Laura asking for wegot to change and that's why two
When you're asking for, a newlife or to level up, or Huge big
things.
You have to make space for them.
And like other things have to goaway.
They have to crumble away.
And that's why sometimes Youfeel like everything is wrong,
everything is crumbling away.
And it's literally like your oldlife.
(51:09):
Or like these old partners thataren't align these old
friendships that aren't alignedand it's to make space for the
new.
And I get it I've got myheartbroken by guys that I
loved.
And I thought we had such anamazing connection, but when you
think about it this way, I'msure you've had other guys in
your life that you thought youloved, or like you had a really
(51:30):
strong connection to, and yougot over them and you were just
fine.
You were able to open your heartagain.
And despite, like what hashappened?
In a relationship like thatperson showed me that I can open
my heart again.
And I'm always going to begrateful.
I showed me I could get oversomeone.
I never thought I could getover.
Wow.
Okay.
So if I could get over thatperson, I never thought I would
(51:51):
get over.
Like I can get over this persontoo.
And I'm going to be okay.
And also You are so amazing andthere's so many people.
That want to get to know you andwant the opportunity to love you
and show you the world and donice things for you and make
your life easier.
So it's up to you to createspace for those people and open
(52:14):
portals to meet those people.
To like, have those blessingsand be open to receiving and
it's honestly like a disserviceyou're so great.
To close yourself off from allthese other people who want to
meet you and want to love you,continue to put yourself out
there and.
I allow these people to love youbecause you haven't met
everyone.
(52:34):
who's gonna want to love youyet.
they're still on the way.
And that's such a beautifulthing and there's just so much
to be grateful for.
And I get it, like heartbreakssucks.
It's the worst.
But like at the end of the dayBeing grateful for the
opportunities and the lessonsand the connection that you did
have, however long it lastedThat's just going to open the
door for so much more abundanceand so much more love.
(52:58):
and I hope this was helpful.
if you liked this episode,please like comment and
subscribe and share it with yourfriends.
It really does help me.
And I appreciate you guys somuch and we'll talk soon.
Bye.
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
Samson Q2U Microphone & Fac (00:27):
Hey friends.
So welcome back to my podcasttoday.
I had an epiphany.
It was actually like, one ofthose terrible thoughts, wakes
you up and then you can't goback to sleep cause it's just so
horrifying like thoserealizations.
Honestly, it was a very hardpill to swallow.
Not even just like a pill, likea giant horse pill, or like a
(00:50):
giant antibiotic that you got,literally I'm talking like a
handful of pills.
Not even like my handful, maybetwo handfuls, maybe two of my
handfuls, or like an NBAplayer's hand, like Shaq's hand,
like his hand full of pills,like swallowing.
That's how I thought.
Basically, I come to therealization that I have been a
(01:12):
placeholder in morerelationships than I care to
admit, and so today's episode isabout how to go from placeholder
to dream girl, because I've beenboth and.
I'm the expert and yeah, andbasically what it comes down to
is why all of us need to retireas lover girls, as a former
(01:35):
lover girl, myself, like I'myour leader and I'm telling you,
it's not the way.
Men would literally rather bewith a girl that doesn't even
like them.
Than a lover girl let that sinkin.
Let that marinate for a second.
They would rather be with a girlthat doesn't even like them, and
(01:56):
if you don't believe me, thinkof all of the men that you don't
like, that you're not interestedin that chase you like you're
their dream girl, or all theguys that you have broken up
with, moved on, got over, andthen as soon as you don't like
them anymore, They're after youagain, they're chasing you.
You're the dream girl again,like.
(02:17):
Why it happens.
Li quite literally all the time.
It's crazy and it makes so muchsense.
There's so many creators outthere, like what I'm saying,
like nothing.
I'm saying today it's like earthshattering or I don't know.
Maybe it's just, obviously ittook me a while to figure it
out, but there's plenty of otherpeople out there probably saying
the same thing I'm saying,sometimes you hear stuff a
(02:39):
certain way or it reaches you ata certain time and it just like
suddenly just clicks.
But.
Yeah.
men are simple, and it makessense cause the difference
between the dream girl and thelover girl, is that the dream
girl is prioritizing herselfthink about it when you're not
interested in a guy.
You're not prioritizing him.
(03:00):
You're not proposingprioritizing your relationship
with him.
You're prioritizing yourself.
You don't need to like downloadsome girls ebook or like
whatever and figure out like,why your man isn't chasing your,
like, why our relationship isn'tworking out or why you're not a
Jew, like literally this secret,like the whole premise behind
black hat energy is Just focuson yourself, babe.
(03:22):
Like how to get over him, how toget him to slake you, how to get
them to commit.
May I had.
How to get him to propose, likehow to get them to do just focus
on yourself.
Don't worry about him becausewhen you're not worried about
him, he's worried about you.
I promise.
Like women are always.
The inspiration for arelationship.
Like I know we've all heard thatmen control access to
(03:44):
relationships and like womencontrol access to sex and Maybe
there's some truth to that, but.
I don't know, not really.
I feel like women are theinspiration behind
relationships.
Man, you so start wars andbuilds like giant buildings and
like temples and shit and Do themost like impress women?
Like why two men drive?
(04:06):
Nice fancy expensive cars.
why do they.
Spend a thousand dollars ontheir clone and why do they.
I do all these things, not toimpress other men, maybe to an
extent, because they wantrespect from other men, but why
do they want respect from othermen?
And it's To get the girl, likethe girl is going to be with the
(04:27):
guy that is the most,well-respected like the, at the
end of the day, babe.
Who runs the world.
Girls and we just forget thatshit sometimes.
And I think that's by design,guys don't want us to realize
how powerful we are and neitherdo other women, honestly.
A little bit of a tangent, but Ifeel like, the people that hold
(04:48):
women back the most is moreoften than not other women.
So crazy.
So yeah.
That's why I'm out here andembarrassing myself.
I know sometimes people arelike, oh my God, they don't see
that.
Don't tell any guys this, don'tever tell a guy that like,
you've been mistreated in thepast or like you put up with
shit in the past.
Cause then they're like,Figuring out how they can treat
you and what they can get awaywith and yeah, that's true.
(05:10):
But also that's, if you're stillthat person and if you've grown
since then, And you're on thatperson anymore than length.
Doesn't matter what you put upwith in the past.
Like you've grown, you're notgoing to put up with it again
and Anyone that's a true king.
he's not trying to figure outwhat he can get away with.
at least not consciously, likeof course men are going to push
the boundaries.
(05:30):
And that's why we need to havestandards and boundaries and set
expectations for them andourselves, but.
Yeah, I man, that is Coming intothe relationship, already with
an agenda or worried about whathe can get away with or how I
can treat you or like how I canlike finesse or whatever.
Like it's not going to end upbeing the man for you.
It's don't even worry about it.
He's on the one.
(05:50):
And I understand being a lovergirl as a retired lover, all
myself, When you fall for a guy,you care about him.
Like you want to take care ofhim and cater to him.
And that was like a verymothering, nurturing energy.
But Put on yourself.
Give that to yourself, get outto yourself and your kids first,
before you give that to a man,there's other ways to take care
(06:12):
of a man that's Wifey likewomanly, like romantic partner
energy, not mothering energy.
No guy wants to date or marryhis mom.
And if he does that's a problem.
And you don't want to be withthat guy.
Like he should be in therapy anddealing with that in a different
way.
And you should be far away fromlast situation.
And I think this realizationcame from me always wondering
(06:35):
why at the beginning of ourrelationship I'm always the
dream girl, like guys, alwayschasing me guys are always
trying to ask me on a day.
Like there they're lining up totake me on a date quite
literally.
And I'm, I've never been onethat was like, interested in
Dating a guy or like pursuing aguy, never in my life have I
looked at a guy?
(06:55):
I've been like, wow, he is sohandsome and intelligent and
successful.
I want to date him.
I want him to be my husband.
I want him to be my boyfriendthat quite literally has never
happened.
Not one time.
Have I ever dated someone that Iwanted first that's just not
what happens men naturally, arethe pursuers and that's where
(07:16):
they thrive.
That was sir, like their rolemen are designed to chase and to
lead and they should always bethe one furthering the
relationship, like in thebeginning, they're the one
pursuing you.
It should never change and it'snot about being out of reach
slightly or like being a littlebit scary or dating down a
little bit.
(07:36):
I like maybe gosh, just the waythat other women have explained
it.
I don't think it's about that.
I think it's about justprioritizing yourself.
Cause like, why would a manchoose today?
A girl that doesn't even likehim.
Over a lover girl.
And it's probably because whatdoes she have in common with a
dream girl?
She's prioritizing herself,especially if she doesn't even
(07:58):
really like him.
Hello.
And I'm sure this has happenedto some of you before.
after you get out of arelationship with the guy that
you were really in love with andyou're heartbroken and you go to
see who they date after you andyou're just like, that's a very
interesting choice.
Like you're a little bitconfused, You're just like what,
is and maybe this is bad advice,but whatever, they say, don't
(08:20):
compare yourself to other womenor other girls or other
situations, but Do it, try it,compare yourself, look at this
woman and be like he chose thiswoman.
Like, why is she better than me?
Is she smarter than me?
Is she prettier than me?
Is she more talented than me?
Is she more creative than me?
More likely than not.
She's.
Not at all.
She's probably like prettymediocre.
(08:41):
Honestly.
I don't actually think I've everdated a guy who dated a girl
after me that I consideredbetter than we any way.
And.
It's just like, why is that?
Like, why would they choose thisperson over me?
And Somewhere along the line inthe relationship.
I south prioritizing myself andmy goals and my dreams, and I
(09:05):
stopped being my own dream girland I started prioritizing numb
in the relationship and ifyou're not even your own dream
girl, how can you expect to besomebody else's Bosley may make
sense?
And I know some of you are overhere oh my goodness, Madeline,
like, how could you say you'rebetter than this other girl?
Or you're better than anyone.
(09:25):
You shouldn't think you'rebetter than anyone.
I don't know, who came up withthat propaganda that we
shouldn't think that we'rebetter than other people.
I think this is my life, and ifI'm achieving, in pursuing my
highest self.
I should think that I'm betterthan some people, but because I
don't think the majority ofpeople are pursuing their.
(09:45):
Best sells and they don't havemy same values or may same moral
compass or like my samewhatever.
And if I'm trying to be the bestversion of myself and the best
version of myself is like thisamazing person and I don't think
other people are doing that.
Like, I'm probably about it in.
Um, like, I think that's fine.
This is your life.
You should think.
That you are better than somepeople, if not what are you
(10:08):
doing?
What are you doing wrong?
Like, why don't you think aboutit than some people you should
be working on yourself?
You should be getting your bodywhere you want to, you should be
getting your life where you wantto getting your career where you
want to, where your finances,where you want to your
happiness, like everything.
If you're really working onbeing your highest self, you
should think.
Yeah.
I'm the shit.
I'm pretty great.
I've got to go in on, I don'tthink that's like.
(10:30):
Narcissism.
I think that's just like beingconfident in what you have,
because you've worked hard toget there.
you've done a lot of healing.
You've done a lot ofintegrating.
You've done a lot of work.
And yeah, I'm not shit.
What.
Hello.
And.
Again, back to thinking aboutthe beginning of our
relationship.
Guys are always pursuing me.
(10:51):
It seems like guys wouldliterally move mountains to be
with me in the beginning of arelationship, doing the most,
like it's actually so crazy.
And this is, I'm not eventalking about one particular
guy, like this has happened onmultiple occasions.
These guys, these like huge likeentrepreneurs, investors, these.
Guys that are like big wile todo in the world are intimidated.
(11:15):
By me and scared, literallyshaking, so nervous to be on a
date with me.
And they've even admitted.
They're like, I've never gottenlike that before around anybody.
Ever, like I've been aroundcelebrities, I've been around
CEOs.
Business owners, Titans ofindustry.
And I don't get choked up.
I don't like fumble my words.
I don't get nervous.
And then when I'm on a date withyou, like our first date, I'm so
(11:39):
nervous, I'm sweating, likewhat?
And then I go from that, I gofrom that level.
Same girl, same person.
To being a placeholder.
And this has happened more thanone.
So Not saying these guys arelike perfect or they're amazing,
or they're gray, or they're nota problem.
Like obviously none of them arethe one for me, they all have
their flaws too, but like thecommon denominator here is me.
(12:01):
so when I think about it likethat, I'm like, okay, what is
going on between.
The beginning of a relationship,the middle, and then the end of
the relationship, like whathappens and It's easy to shift
blame and blame your partner andbe like, oh, like he loved balmy
or he Gaslight me or he playedme.
You're like that fake version ofthe guy in the beginning.
(12:22):
It was like, always so fire,like those memes and stuff,
which like, I always saw that.
Cause there's a level ofToxicity and humor that I have,
but at the end of the day, Weneed to take accountability for
the Raleigh planner onsuffering.
And we need to take care of ourside of the street first, before
we want to Look at anyone else.
And I think a lot of times too,we attract the same.
(12:45):
Partners or similar situationsover and over again.
And so we like.
Finally learn a lesson.
The universe just keeps sendingus the same thing over and over
again, different skin suit.
And I think I finally havefigured it out.
My spirit guides up there, likeshaking their heads, And it's
just they didn't really changebecause again even if they did
(13:05):
change, they had some likemessiness, some weirdness and
funny movement going on.
It doesn't matter.
They are not the inspiration forthe relationship.
Again, we are where theinspiration for the
relationship.
So if I'm changing, if I'mswitching it up, third
relationship dynamic is going tochange.
It's not really anything thatthey do because we set the
standard, We set the pace Whereare the ones that actually have
(13:26):
all the power and that we're incontrol.
Whether or not you realize thator not it's true.
We are.
So if the dynamic is changing,think about your behavior.
Think about what's changed inthe relationship.
in the beginning of arelationship, I'm prioritizing
myself, I'm prioritizing mysingle girl life.
I'm prioritizing.
My career, my, I don't like theword hobbies, my passions, I'm
(13:49):
prioritizing my girlfriends.
I'm prioritizing my dogs.
I'm prioritizing my nailappointment.
I'm not reschedulingappointments or.
Blowing off friends toaccommodate his schedule.
And then as soon as I, catchfeelings or I start to get a
really emotionally invested.
I want to start catering to himand his needs and changing my
(14:10):
schedule and being moreaccommodating and it's just
like, that would be fine.
I think maybe if I was datinganother woman, but
unfortunately, and I don't say,unfortunately I say that as a
joke that like, I'm attracted tomen and I usually date men.
And men and women are differentin this way.
Like what women and men valueand relationships and what they
(14:32):
need is very different.
women want to feel accommodatedto, and men want to feel valued,
respected, and appreciated.
And the way we show each otherlove and the way we catered to
one another is different.
So me accommodating them andchanging my schedule, like that
would.
(14:52):
Be good if I was dating anotherwoman, but like when you do
things for a man and you startto spoil a man in that way,
they're not going to think of itthe same way as like we would,
if a man was doing those thingsfor us, like if a man is.
Doing nice things for me.
doing things to accommodate me.
I think, wow.
(15:12):
He's so amazing.
Like he's so great.
What a great guy.
I'm so lucky, but if I start todo that stuff for a man.
They think.
Wow, I'm so amazing.
She's doing all of this for me,she's changing her schedule for
me.
I must be more important.
Mimi me.
And then you up here on thepedestal starts to come down off
(15:35):
the pedestal and they start toput themselves up on the
pedestal inside.
And they become the princess andthe relationship.
Or they start to think.
Is this really my dream girl,like she's doing all this for
me.
I'm so amazing.
Her schedule her life isn't asimportant as mine.
She must know something that Idon't.
I thought she was the dreamgirl.
(15:56):
I thought she was slightly outof reach.
I thought she was out of myleague.
And now I'm like am I too goodfor her?
Do I need to start looking forsomeone else out there?
And I think this is too why menstart to become one Faisal.
Why they start Sci-Hub.
A wandering eye, why they startto, look around because they
start to second guess you andthe relationship and they think,
(16:18):
maybe there is a better girl outthere for me, because I'm so
great.
And she obviously sees somethingthat I didn't see before and now
I need to go find someone evenbetter than her.
And like most of the time, likeyou're probably the best are
ever going to get.
And guys can use whatever excuse
they need to like, justify, whyyou've become the placeholder or
(16:39):
like why suddenly you've gonefrom dream girl to placeholder
and they taken you off thepedestal.
I'm telling you, it's literallyyou and it's a state of mind.
It's nothing that you dobecause.
Men and women are not the same.
Like we value men for what theydo and men value themselves for
what they do.
It doesn't matter what we do.
(17:00):
It doesn't matter about like ourcareer.
It doesn't matter about like ourstatus or like place and see how
pretty, nothing, none of thatmatters.
Guys value women for who theyare, like our essence, like that
is the difference between likemasculine and feminine energy.
Like.
Our essence, like there'snothing that we're going to
bring to the table that theycan't bring for themselves or do
(17:21):
for themselves.
the only thing that men needfrom us.
It's our energy and our essence.
So that's why they value us.
Guys.
So definitely use excuses, likemy career, like my lifestyle,
like whatever, they don't likeit.
They can't.
Deal with it.
They count whatever, and likemaybe some of that is like their
own insecurities, but like atthe end of the day,
(17:42):
men will do nothing.
If they don't have to, and ifthey have to, men will do.
Anything.
And once you understand that youunderstand men and that's really
the only advice you will everneed.
Men will do anything.
If they have to, like men willmove mountains.
Men are problem solvers.
(18:03):
If there's a problem and you'rehis dream girl, if there's a
barrier, there's an obstacle.
He's going to find a solution.
He's going to figure it out.
he doesn't like your career.
He doesn't like your job.
He doesn't like your star.
He's gonna do whatever to changeyour circumstances.
If he believes you are his dreamgirl.
He will find a way to make ithappen.
That is W what we love aboutmen.
(18:23):
That is how men are designed.
That is how men are.
he'll figure it out becauseyou're his dream girl.
You're his future.
You are his life.
But.
If you're not, he doesn't seeyou that way.
He's not going to do anything.
And Gary he'll make an excuse.
I'd be like, oh, the X, Y, Z.
Sorry, we can't be together.
Sorry, baby.
You're amazing.
I love you.
You're so amazing.
(18:44):
You're perfect.
You're blah, blah, blah, blah.
Like, guys will be like, you'rethe most beautiful, intelligent,
creative, best taste, bestkisses, best lover, best
everything gear the best of thebest of the best.
But I don't want to be with you,but you're not for me.
And then they'll go be with somemediocre bitch.
(19:04):
And it's just what?
And it's cause they don't seeyou as this dream girl.
As their dream crawl.
That's all it is.
That's it.
It's Alex.
It's more hurtful.
That's probably why they come upwith an excuse.
Cause they probably are like,I'll let me just ease this blow.
But then you're sitting theretrying to question the star.
It doesn't matter.
Don't question there.
It's all gonna make sense.
Cause it's not true.
(19:25):
They excuse us.
That's not the reason.
And like it's a simple fix.
Like you have all the power tobe the dream girl.
It's literally just a mindsetshift and an attitude show
notes.
And.
It starts and ends with you,babe.
Samson Q2U Microphone & Face (19:38):
So I get it, I'm was a lover girl,
and it's crazy.
I it's like, how could I go frombeing on this pedestal to being.
taking for granted.
I haven't lost value.
Like if anything, I'm, more intohim, I'm more there for him.
I wanna make sure he knows thisis like a safe relationship.
I'm more accommodating, I'm moreinvested.
(20:00):
I'm more, whatever.
And it's just that's exactly theproblem.
I start accommodating him andhis schedule and his needs over
my own.
I take myself off the pedestal.
He didn't need to do it.
I did it myself.
The second you startprioritizing their schedule over
yours.
Is when you start to be takingfor granted, that is a one-way
(20:21):
train to being taken for grantedtown.
I know I used to live there.
It's not nice and it's not anice neighborhoods, not a fun
time.
Samson Q2U Microphone & Fac (20:29):
And like you're fumbling yourself.
Like they didn't even fumbleyou, you fumbled yourself and
the relationship by prioritizingthem over you and forgetting
the, your, the dream girl, youstopping your own dream girl and
you stop prioritizing yourself.
Ergo you become the placeholder.
And.
At first this probably isn'teven conscious, but then as They
(20:52):
start to view you a differentway.
They're not just going to like.
Get rid of you, especially,because you're so pretty.
You're so fun to be around.
You're so amazing.
And also your ears.
So accommodating now, like youmake their lives so easy, you
make their lives so convenient.
Being a convenient lover girl.
Is like the downfall of That islike suicide in a relationship.
(21:16):
If you want the relationship toabsolutely blow up in your face.
Be the convenient lover girl,no, we're not doing that
anymore.
We're retired.
We're retired guys.
Like we're done.
it's so crazy.
when I think about, and I'm noteven speaking about one
particular relationship, peoplethat know me are welcome to make
their assumptions about who I'mtalking about.
But I think about all the womenthat men have dated after me.
(21:40):
And it's just Mind-boggling it'sactually so crazy.
It's so confusing and a lot ofmy ego is probably involved.
Like I couldn't see.
I was actually going on becauseI was just so confused.
I was like, what?
And I'm sure like you guys doyou like you, someone like as
beautiful and creativeintelligent funny and clever as
(22:01):
you like an icon.
You like, so yeah, if this couldhappen to me, it can happen to
any.
Obviously.
Y'all are my son's own humorous.
So like a coughing fit.
But yeah, literally It hasnothing to do with you.
You can be the most beautiful.
Compatible.
Intelligent.
Ambitious.
(22:23):
Amazing girl.
And he literally doesn't matterif you stop.
Prioritizing yourself andremembering that about yourself.
They will stop her memory andthen they will start to do
things.
To reinforce that narrative.
And then you're going to startsecond guessing yourself.
You're going to startquestioning yourself.
You're going to start dealingwith your own self-worth issues,
(22:44):
especially, if you break up.
Or you take a break, they startdating someone else immediately.
Cause that's what guys do.
And you look at the other girland you're like, whoa, like that
lots who you chose.
That's who you decided wasbetter than me.
And instead of thinking aboutthis logically and realizing
what actually happened, youstart to compare yourself and
(23:05):
you're like, I don't think thescroll is like, Superior in any
way.
Yeah.
He shows this girl over me, whatis wrong with me?
You start to look at yourselfdifferently and No, no babe.
No, the way that like, we canfall in love with a Roach, like
Mankin love literally Or chaseor that's why it literally
doesn't matter, like men arevisual, but at the end of the
(23:26):
day, in order to get princesstreatment and be the dream girl,
it's literally a state of mindbeing a dream girls, literally
an attitude and a state of mind,like.
I think about it this way.
If you are your own dream girl,you're taking care of yourself,
you're getting your hair ashealthy as it can be.
You're getting your teeth ashealthy as they can be.
Your skin, your nails, like yourbody, your mind, like you're
(23:51):
happy in your career.
You're happy in your life.
Like you're thriving.
You are your own dream girl.
You are on your way to beingyour highest self you're living
that life, or like on the waythere.
And Taking a line to auction tobe that person, like who
wouldn't want to be with you.
Like you want to be around you,you want to be with you.
that's amazing.
Like.
Of course, you're going toattract all these guys.
(24:13):
So that's why, when you'resingle again, and you're back to
working on yourself, that's whyAltra relationship, like after a
breakup.
You always become hotter.
You always become moresuccessful.
And it's it's because you'reprioritizing yourself again.
And then you attract all theseguys.
Of course, like the guy thatbroke your heart always goes
back.
Always every single time.
And then maybe you take himback, but then what happens
(24:34):
again?
What happens again?
Do you start to prioritize therelationship and him again?
And it's just a cycle.
Yeah.
And you start to get into thesetoxic cycles.
Yeah, I know.
I've been there.
I've been there.
I've been there.
I've been there.
men and women are just fundamentally
different.
women want to feel seenunderstood accommodated taking
(24:55):
care of and save and men want tofeel respected, valued, and
appreciated.
Where's your stuff rent.
Like you don't need toaccommodate his schedule, babe.
He should be accommodating youin yours.
There's other ways to show a manthat you value him and
appreciate him.
He is going to feel amazing,having a beautiful, confident
(25:19):
well Rusted woman on his arm.
That's going to make him feellike he's big dog.
Not you running yourself,ragged, taking care of him and
taking care of his needs.
No, that's not going to make himfeel like a man.
That's not going to make himfeel high value, he's going to
feel high value having youbecause you're the prize don't
ever forget that.
(25:40):
You are the prize and he's goingto feel like the king because he
has you.
He has his beautiful queen.
Hope that helps.
Samson Q2U Microphone & Face (25:48):
So That's it.
That's the secret sauce.
That's all you need to know youdon't need to read any more
books.
you don't need to take any morecourses.
you literally just need to beyour own dream girl and
prioritize yourself, focusingyourself and You'll get whatever
you want.
You'll get the guy.
You'll get the dream life.
Cause you're working on it.
You'll get everything and that'show you keep men.
Pursuing that's how you keep menloyal, Datto.
(26:11):
You keep men invested in therelationship.
That's how you get your man topropose.
That's how you get your man tobe an attentive partner and
father, and like everything.
It's it's you.
Or the driving force, like youare the inspiration, this
second, you become the onefurthering the relationship.
The second you become the onereaching for them oh, what is he
(26:34):
doing?
Like, where are we going?
Are we going to dinner tonight?
Are we hanging out later?
Are you seeking to call me like,Are we going to get married?
Are we going to go on a date?
Are we going to go?
No, you shouldn't be like, youshouldn't be worried about any
of that.
He should be the one up atnight.
Worried about you about losingyou because you are such a
goddess.
A goddess is not up at night.
Or like sitting at homecanceling plans with their
(26:55):
friends, because he might callwe might have plans later.
Either you do or you don't haveplans bay, like there isn't a,
we might like, if you think youmight like you don't, you have
plans with your girlfriends.
That's what you have plans with.
Like you're not sitting at home.
Waiting for him to make theplans the men are the ones
furthering the relationship,furthering the connection,
(27:17):
furthering the progression ofthe relationship.
They're the ones that are askingyou on the dates.
They're the ones.
Asking you to be theirgirlfriends.
They're the ones asking you togive their wives?
Like they're the ones.
Pursuing you and furthering therelationship in this second, you
are reaching for them, and thesecond that you are trying to
further the relationship you'velost your power.
(27:39):
No.
Absolutely not.
Absolutely not.
Men need to be the ones.
Driving the relationship forwardand pursuing you and progressing
the relationship.
And if, for whatever reason,they're not.
And you're sitting there andyou're working on yourself and
you're pursuing your own life.
First of all, there's just noway that's going to happen
(27:59):
because you're so amazing.
They're going to be up at night,worried about losing.
You're thinking of.
More ways to accommodate you andlock you down because You're a
dream girl.
you're so amazing.
You're out there doing your ownthing.
Worried about yourself, out withyour girlfriends.
Getting your haircut on takingcare of yourself.
Of course he's chasing you.
Of course, he's doing everythingin his power.
(28:19):
To lock you down and pursue therelationship further and
accommodate you and make youhappy.
That's how you get princesstreatment.
That's how you get the dreamlife and the dream relationship.
It all starts and ends with you,babe.
You got this?
And I got it.
I Feel like I was a selectivedream girl.
Some people have like selectivelistening.
(28:41):
Like I was selectively a dreamgirl.
At the beginning of therelationship or when I'm single,
I am the dream girl, I have theessence, I have the attitude.
I have the filling, I ha I liveby it, but like, you start to
catch feelings and you want toaccommodate them.
But also too why do we start tofuss about the relationship?
Why do we start to worry aboutwhat he's doing?
(29:02):
What pictures he's liking, Wherehe's going, who he's with, like
what Sally at the next table?
What do you thinks of salad?
No, like why?
And like, why are we gettinginsecure about the relationship
and.
I think if we are with a manthat starts to make us feel
insecure, we probably shouldn'tbe with that guy.
Like we probably shouldn't bewith that, man.
He's probably not the one.
(29:23):
He probably houses oninsecurities.
Or his own issues.
That he hasn't dealt with andhe's projecting them onto the
relationship.
And I think if you're at.
The dream girl level in thebeginning.
And you start to feel anxiousabout the relationship where you
start to feel like, you need tohold on tighter.
You need to start to pursue himor.
(29:46):
Keep tabs on him it should beassigned to you.
To pull back, not to leanforward, lean into the
relationship, pull back.
And maybe take a second and belike, Hey, this guy that was
pursuing me, who, is movingmountains, putting me on a
pedestal.
Now I'm worried about what he'sdoing.
He's acting different.
He's moving funny.
(30:06):
He's being inconsistent.
Why would that make me reach forhim?
That should make you want topull back.
I understand you like him, youcare about him, but The
character traits.
and the characteristics thathe's showing you now are not
what he showed you in thebeginning, the man that you fell
for and form this attachment tois the man that you met in the
beginning.
So if he's being inconsistent,he's not really that guy, like
(30:27):
you don't need to worry and youdon't need to sweat and stress
yourself about the sky andlosing the sky.
Because obviously he's showingyou that he's not really this
sky and pulling back and takinga step back in the beginning
before, you get even moreinvested.
We'll help in the long run,because if you start to pull
(30:50):
back.
And he doesn't immediately.
Snap back.
To reality and be like, oh mygosh, I'm about to lose my dream
girl.
I'm acting a fool and get ittogether.
And got back in line then, he'snot the one.
Period.
And you've saved yourself a lotof time.
And he's just removed himselfand created more space for the
(31:14):
man that's actually going to beconsistent and is actually your
dream guy and the guy thatactually deserves you.
But if you're reaching for him,Instead.
And he's has bad behavior.
He's seeing that.
Oh Being inconsistent, I'mpushing the boundaries and she's
reaching for me.
(31:35):
As opposed to pulling back, mydream girl would pull back.
My dream girl would not toleratethat.
She would be like, what is this?
This is not what I signed upfor.
This is not the man that I fellfor.
This is not who you presentedyourself to be.
And.
Yeah, I would lose respect foryou too, babe.
I take you off the pedestal tolike you and to it's crazy.
Why are we acting like this?
I understand where lover girlswere like.
(31:56):
We should love the man that wefell for and he should continue
to show up as that man.
And when he's not like.
Pull back, babe.
Pull back.
another thing that.
I've learned miss independent,over hearing, is to be open to
receiving.
I feel like in the beginning ofrelationships sometimes,
especially.
If the guy, is Successful orwhatever.
(32:19):
And he wants to like, do nicethings to me, buy me nice things
in the beginning of therelationship.
And I'm just like, slow yourroll there.
And I think I had honorableintentions.
I think, I didn't want him touse his money or like status or
like whatever to impress me.
I want him to use hispersonality and just be
confident, not, and also Ididn't, want him to think.
(32:40):
That I was using him or like agold Digger, like whatever, but
it's just like, why am I worriedabout what he thinks again,
these people pleasing tendenciesand literally worrying about him
and the relationship and likewhat he thinks like, who cares,
what he thinks.
I know I'm not.
A gold Digger.
I know that my intentions arehonorable.
(33:00):
I don't need to prove that tohim by being like, I don't need
your stuff.
So anything nice.
No, like men.
Bond to us when they do nicethings for us.
And so let them even if he'susing his resources, Because
he's insecure or he has somekind of like alternative motive
(33:21):
or whatever, like that.
It says lesson to learn.
It's not my job to teach him,like, why.
Am I sitting over here trying toteach these grown men?
No, if he wants to do somethingnice for you, if he wants to buy
you something nice, like nothim.
Boss's journey that says lesson,be open to receiving because
like, And might even come off asemasculating Or like rejection.
(33:42):
And if you liked the guy, hewants to show you what he has to
offer you let him.
And also too, in the beginningof a relationship, it sets the
precedent.
If you want a provider, man, ifyou want a man that does things
for you and surprises, youbrings you guests, does nice
things for you.
And he's trying to do that inthe beginning of the
(34:03):
relationship.
And you're like, no, like thatdoesn't even make sense.
Let him, it doesn't matter.
How early it is in therelationship, or whatever, if he
wants to do something for you,let him.
Especially, if you want a guythat wants to do things for you,
like that's so weird, me beingsuch a people pleaser and like
overthinking and worrying somuch about what someone thinks
(34:23):
or what other people think likeI'm messing up.
My own relationship.
Because of.
I don't even know it doesn'teven, it's so crazy.
It's so insane.
guys want to do things for usthat, we either can't do for
ourselves or we won't do forourselves.
And let them be that guy, letthem do that.
Even if you can do it yourself,let them.
(34:46):
Let them.
Literally.
I'm in an era of let them if aguy wants to do something for
me, let him, if he doesn't wantto do something for me.
Let him, like people are goingto show you.
You know who they are, theirintentions, by their actions.
And.
could just sit back and notthat.
(35:06):
And move accordingly andprioritize yourself.
Focus on yourself.
And.
Yeah.
Just a lot of the things thatI've learned recently, and I
definitely am going to be takinga break from dating.
not cause I'm like better, likewhatever, but I think I need to
get back to focusing on myselfand becoming my own dream goal
(35:28):
first and then I'll attract theright guy.
But I know when I do finally putmyself back out there that I'm
going to move a lot differently.
I'm not just going to be aselective dream girl.
I'm going to be the dream girlalways and forever
Samson Q2U Microphone & Fac (35:42):
And also too.
Going off of what I said, likethat's his lesson to learn.
Like it's not my job to teachhim.
I feel like I been inrelationships before.
Where I was trying to like healthe man I was with.
And it's just like, why am I.
Trying to heal this grown manand teach this grown man.
(36:04):
like, why am I.
Trying so hard.
Two.
Make a relationship work withthis unhealed demand or teach
this man.
like this man has grown or likehe's growing into himself,
whatever.
Some guys are young, like I'mstill like relatively young FID,
someone my own age.
Like he's still growing.
Why am I trying to.
Do the growth for him?
(36:25):
Do the healing for him.
people.
Grow the most after they falland They have to dust themselves
off and they have to figure itout.
And it's just like, why am Itrying to save.
This man from his biggest growthpoints.
Whether or not I think this manis my husband first of all, who
he is now?
No, he's not like I've done mywork.
(36:46):
I've done making Lang he's notdoing his, why am I trying to
save him from his own growth andhis own healing?
I'm doing a disservice to him.
I'm enabling him.
And like maybe once he actuallyfalls.
Picked himself up grows throughthis grows into himself.
Maybe then he'll actually beworthy of being my husband,
maybe he'll be worthy of thewoman that he was trying to
(37:09):
reach for up on this pedestal.
Like, why am I bringing myselfdown?
To try to like, fix him overhere, like Barbara, the builder,
fix this guy when That's hisjob.
Like he needs to grow into asalt lake.
He needs to be the man that Ideserved though, is a worthy of
a goddess like me, of a womanlike me, it's just crazy.
I shouldn't be wanting to raisemy son with a man that's healed,
(37:31):
not healing, this grown man andtrying to raise someone else's
son like that doesn't even makesense.
And I'm not saying people can'tchange.
People can't grow intothemselves.
Like maybe this person thatyou're dating he's being
inconsistent.
He, as on healed, he has trauma.
I'm not saying he's not yourhusband.
He probably isn't.
But he's Definitely not yourhusband now, but let him go.
(37:52):
Let them go.
Let him try to grow into himselfand then see if he becomes
worthy of you and that person,and if not, it's a, win-win like
he's going to go off.
And he is going to learn theselessons and he's going to grow
and he's going to be better offand he's going to be happy.
And you're going to find someoneyou're aligned with you're going
to find your true king.
(38:13):
I heard this recently onInstagram and it definitely
struck a chord with me.
I got emotional.
It basically said that sometimeswe meet people in order to show
them the way.
And sometimes people meet us toshow us that.
The way we were going wasn't theright way.
(38:33):
And what he meant was thatsometimes we meet people to show
them what unconditional love is,especially, If they weren't
shown it, going up.
Like they never reallyexperienced it.
They've always chose partnersthat, you know, hot and.
Motive or some kind of agenda orwhatever, especially, if that
mimicked the way they grew upwith their parents or they just
(38:56):
never felt worthy of love orThey had to achieve in order to
get love or they had to buytheir love or whatever.
And so they continuously pickpartners that mimic that so they
can try to hopefully heal that.
And then, they met you.
And they maybe weren't ready foryou, but you know, you showed
them what true genuine authenticlove is and they showed you
(39:20):
that, maybe you are a little bittoo naive with that love and who
you have chosen to show it to,and I'm sure like you had your
own wounding and your ownlessons to learn there and I
think this is kind of part ofthat.
And Yeah, they show you thatmaybe not everyone is ready for
(39:40):
that love And there's a lessonin it for both of you and like
they're going to take that lovethat you gave them and integrate
those lessons and hopefully gooff and be happy and you're
going to learn to discern betterand share your love with people
that deserve it and people thatare worthy of it and, I think
(40:04):
some of that.
You have to give back toyourself.
I'm not saying you don't loveyourself because I definitely
do, you may be like, Prioritizeother people before yourself.
And you need to give that backto yourself and then you're
going to meet other people thatare more aligned and that are
more worthy of that love andthat attention.
(40:24):
I think I've had that last thinga few times and I think I
finally have really integratedit going forward and yeah.
I never need to get revenge orlike payback or anything like
any love I gave to a partner'sthey're sticky because I know
they definitely needed it andit's made me better.
(40:45):
In the long run, you know, likealways better, never better.
Okay.
I can be better sometimes.
but I always come back tomyself.
I always come back to my highestself and I'm like, okay Back to
dream girl, what would dreamgirl do?
And sometimes if you aren'treally sure you don't have
clarity around who your dreamgirl is.
Find someone to emulate and I'llcopy but like an archetype I
(41:08):
heard this on a differentpodcast.
She was talking about this book,it's called the art of seduction
and there's different archetypesthat you naturally lean towards
and you can figure out which oneis yours and, start to emulate
that and start to not use oughtto like manipulate, but just how
(41:28):
to wheels your own personalpower and what your strengths
are and, think of evencharacters in a movie to The
dream girl in the movie, likehow does she, I taught as she
carry herself, like the AngelinaJolie, like the margot Robbie,
the whatever are they pining outor a guy, or are they worried
(41:49):
about themselves as they focuson themselves?
And it's just Remembering whoyou are and the, you are the
main character and you are theleading Laney of your life and
of his life if this is reallyyour king and start acting like
a, Let me guys.
Samson Q2U Microphone & Fa (42:07):
I've also learned a lot too recently
about my platonic relationshipsand that not everybody has the
same heart and the same loyaltyas me which was another
difficult thing, but I thinkthere's just a part of growing
up and like a part of life andI've learned to keep my private
life a lot more private.
I think I used to a lot more andthen with an old friend group
(42:30):
that I had, I felt a need toshare more and open up more and
it's good.
Like it's good to share.
It's good to open up with yourfriends.
That's how you create bonds andthat's how you get closer.
But it was weird.
It was a weird dynamic.
Like I almost felt like I neededto share more of my hardships or
(42:51):
like my downfalls or like badthings that happen or about
things that I went through andit wasn't just to get come for
or whatever.
It was like to get them to likeme more.
It was like, They fell like Iwas this like super perfect
(43:12):
person.
And I thought in my head that ifI shared more Hey, I'm human
too.
I get hurt too.
I get heartbroken too.
It would make me more likableand like more human to them,
which I've come to realize thatthose people were never my
friends, because anyone that iscelebrating your downfalls or
like secretly yes.
(43:33):
Oh my God.
Madeline failed or something'sgonna work out her weight like
those are all your friends.
If your people want to see youfall.
They're not your friends.
If you think you need to dullyourself down so people will
like you, we don't like thosepeople.
We don't care about thosepeople.
I remember one time.
I had a girl, she was my friend.
(43:55):
She was joking.
Also pay attention to the waypeople joke about you because
they're not joking.
No.
I remember she was like, oh,Madeline's so perfect.
We should just throw her into avolcano and sacrificed her.
I don't even remember what shewas talking about, but it was
just like, what, I'm notperfect.
Like obviously.
I'm going to play solar so manytimes, like so embarrassing,
things don't work out for me allthe time, but actually life
(44:17):
life's me a lot, a lot of stuffhappens to me.
So I have someone to wisdom forsomeone my age, like I'm way too
wise for someone my age.
Obviously a lot of shit has gonewrong, but I don't need to lead
with that to get people to likeme.
That's crazy.
Those are not my friends.
Those are not people that I careabout liking me.
What.
I want friends that want tobuild me up and celebrate me and
(44:39):
they're like, wow you're sogreat.
You're such an inspiration.
Like I want to be around peoplethat inspire me and that I think
are great.
I want friends that fill my cupup and add to me and help me
grow.
Like, why would I want to befriends with someone who leads
with Bad things.
That happened to them.
Like the same with likeself-deprecating humor.
(45:01):
I feel like I used to use that alot in my early twenties,
because I felt like it wouldmake people like me better, but
one you're introducing that toyour subconscious and to again,
these are not your friends whocares, but they don't like you
because you're a shiny star.
I'm sorry, those are lame.
Like, why don't you work onyourself?
It's just crazy.
(45:21):
Yeah.
So anyways, keep your privatelife private.
I remember I used to open upabout my relationship and
sometimes if we're havingproblems, like I would talk
about it with some of mygirlfriends or whatever.
And then they literally wouldslide into his DMS and engage
with him and I knew we werehaving problems and Try to be
with him.
They literally would be like,oh, he's trashed.
(45:43):
You should break up with himimmediately.
And then they would go try to bewith them, like crazy.
And luckily this man, despiteour problems had some kind of
loyalty to me and he wouldalways tell me and I'd be like,
wow, it's crazy.
Like really.
Really Brittany, I should breakup with him, that's, I don't
have a friend named Britney, butso just be careful, you don't
need to share your private life.
(46:05):
And also I get it like you wantto advise sometimes.
And sometimes we just want tovent, like understand.
But at the end of the day Ithink, you know exactly.
What you want to do about yourrelationship?
You know what you're ready to doand what you want to do.
And despite what your friends.
Says and what kind of advicethey give you?
You're going to do what you'regoing to do regardless.
(46:28):
And yeah.
I get it.
I love talking about boys withmy friends.
and if you don't know, like youdon't have that internal wisdom
or you're not sure you needclarity.
Journal about it.
Meditate about it.
And also too, like, why do youthink that like, so-and-so has
so much more wisdom about yoursituation than you do?
She's not in the relationship.
(46:49):
He's not in their relationship.
They don't know.
Also.
Are they in a relationship thatyou look up to.
Are they in a dream relationshipdon't ever take advice or take
advice with a grain of salt.
from someone, if they're not ina situation.
That you would trade places withTake advice from, like mentors
(47:10):
and stuff.
And it's they're mentors becausethey've achieved something that
you want and you look up tothem.
But if they don't have the dreamrelationship or the dream
dynamic in the relationship,which is like more key.
Cause there definitely arepeople that I know that like
from the outside they have likea dream relationship.
But I know the dynamic withinthe relationship is like, Quite
(47:33):
the opposite or not the dream.
Like they had to give up likeeverything about themselves to
be in that relationship orchange everything about
themselves.
And that's not my dream.
That might be other people'sdream.
I don't know.
I'm not here to pass judgment.
But.
I don't like.
Just think about that, and I getit sometimes you want to vent
sometimes, just don't talk aboutstuff, but I think there's just
(47:54):
certain things in certaindetails that you can keep to
yourself and.
People are going to show theirtrue colors.
One way or the other, like thetruth is going to come out.
And this way though, you cansave yourself a lot of drama and
a lot of heartache by notoversharing and keeping your
private life private.
That is just my advice for that.
(48:16):
Anyways.
I hope that this has beenhelpful to you guys.
It definitely has taken me waytoo long to.
Figure this out and learn thislesson.
And integrate all of this.
And it's probably something thatI'm always going to have to be
mindful of because they think asa former lover girl, it's easy
(48:40):
to slip back into thesepatterns.
That's why these are patternsThere's a reason why we attract
certain people.
Like I've definitely seen.
And I think there's some truthto it where people say like
psychologists and stuff that wewound match.
And we attract certain peopleto.
Mash certain wounds that wehave, like whether that's from
(49:02):
childhood or whatever.
And the point of this is thesepeople literally ignite these
wounds that we have.
And it's like in order to healthem in order to finally.
Integrate and move on and make adifferent choice next time.
especially when we're trying tomanifest a dream relationship or
(49:23):
a dream partner, the universewill send us test.
The universe will test us themost.
And I've talked about thisbefore.
The universal Tussaud's the mostright before a big manifestation
is about to come through.
Literally when we're doing thework we're healing, we're
reprogramming.
Were rewriting limiting beliefs.
(49:45):
The universe will test us.
They'll be like, are you really.
A vibrational match for whatyou're asking for, for what
you're calling in.
And you're like, yeah, ofcourse.
I've done all the work.
Like I'm there.
I'm there, babe.
I'm there.
And it's like, are you reallyAnd sometimes these tests are
hard to pass.
It'll look like maybe the dream,but there'll be like little
(50:06):
things, to test you and trip youup.
Little things.
Just to see are you going tosettle for what you settled for
before?
Are you going to fall back intopatterns that you've fallen for
before?
Are you really.
A vibrational match to whatyou're calling in.
And.
it's okay.
(50:26):
I felt that to us so many times.
There's literally these railsit's fool me once, fool me
twice, fool me that 37 time.
Like.
Well, I Got to be, keep foolingme, like it's so funny, but God,
I love the internet.
But it's true, What sooner orlater you got to figure it out.
We got to integrate and we gotto move different because if we
(50:47):
really want Laura asking for wegot to change and that's why two
When you're asking for, a newlife or to level up, or Huge big
things.
You have to make space for them.
And like other things have to goaway.
They have to crumble away.
And that's why sometimes Youfeel like everything is wrong,
everything is crumbling away.
And it's literally like your oldlife.
(51:09):
Or like these old partners thataren't align these old
friendships that aren't alignedand it's to make space for the
new.
And I get it I've got myheartbroken by guys that I
loved.
And I thought we had such anamazing connection, but when you
think about it this way, I'msure you've had other guys in
your life that you thought youloved, or like you had a really
(51:30):
strong connection to, and yougot over them and you were just
fine.
You were able to open your heartagain.
And despite, like what hashappened?
In a relationship like thatperson showed me that I can open
my heart again.
And I'm always going to begrateful.
I showed me I could get oversomeone.
I never thought I could getover.
Wow.
Okay.
So if I could get over thatperson, I never thought I would
(51:51):
get over.
Like I can get over this persontoo.
And I'm going to be okay.
And also You are so amazing andthere's so many people.
That want to get to know you andwant the opportunity to love you
and show you the world and donice things for you and make
your life easier.
So it's up to you to createspace for those people and open
(52:14):
portals to meet those people.
To like, have those blessingsand be open to receiving and
it's honestly like a disserviceyou're so great.
To close yourself off from allthese other people who want to
meet you and want to love you,continue to put yourself out
there and.
I allow these people to love youbecause you haven't met
everyone.
(52:34):
who's gonna want to love youyet.
they're still on the way.
And that's such a beautifulthing and there's just so much
to be grateful for.
And I get it, like heartbreakssucks.
It's the worst.
But like at the end of the dayBeing grateful for the
opportunities and the lessonsand the connection that you did
have, however long it lastedThat's just going to open the
door for so much more abundanceand so much more love.
(52:58):
and I hope this was helpful.
if you liked this episode,please like comment and
subscribe and share it with yourfriends.
It really does help me.
And I appreciate you guys somuch and we'll talk soon.
Bye.
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