Jessica Fern & David Cooley on Attachment, Resentment & Rewriting the Rules of Non-Monogamy
Guests: Jessica Fern (author of Polysecure, Polywise, and Transforming the Shame Triangle) and David Cooley (restorative-justice facilitator, creator of Restorative Relationship Conversations).
Episode Summary
In this heart-to-heart, Adam & Pris sit down with Jessica Fern and David Cooley to go deeper than "What is polyamory?" They unpack attachment styles, why resentment is jealousy's sneaky cousin, and how the Shame Triangle (inner persecutor, inner victim, inner rescuer) quietly shapes conflict—and how to transform it with practical tools rooted in IFS and restorative practices.
The convo hits real-life dynamics: ditching the "50/50" myth, navigating capacity and time (especially with kids), and why relationships thrive when both partners bring 100%—just not in the same way every day. Adam & Pris get candid about their own poly chapter, burnout, and finding balance, while Jessica & David share how their post-divorce collaboration became one of their healthiest partnerships.
Keywords: Jessica Fern, David Cooley, Polysecure, Polywise, Transforming the Shame Triangle, attachment theory, IFS therapy, ethical non-monogamy, open relationships, jealousy vs resentment, relationship repair, capacity, family dynamics, Beyond Monogamy podcast, Full Swap Radio.
Listen & Subscribe
- Website: beyond-monogamy.com
- Full Swap Radio: Thursdays at 1 PM & 6 PM CST
- Patreon (early access, After Hours clips, bonus minis, Discord): Patreon.com/BeyondMonogamywith
Show Notes
- Attachment & IFS: How to spot when a part (not your core self) is driving reactivity—and how to respond with needs-based clarity.
- Jealousy vs. Resentment: Resentment is the "check-engine light" for unmet needs or long-standing imbalances—don't villainize it, learn from it.
- The 50/50 Myth: Healthy partnerships aren't perfectly split; they're capacity-aware and transparent about changing needs over time.
- Polyamory + Parenting: Why time/energy constraints shift when kids are young—and how integrating partners into the family system can help.
- The Shame Triangle: Inner persecutor ➝ inner victim (shame) ➝ inner rescuer/escapers (over/under-functioning, numbing, projection) and how to break the cycle.
- Collaboration After Divorce: Jessica & David describe dissolving romance, rebuilding trust, and co-creating work that actually deepens harmony.
Guest Links & Resources
- JessicaFern.com — book info, events, workshops (New book Transforming the Shame Triangle releases on October 31; pre-release discount via site).
- Polysecure, The Polysecure Workbook, Polywise — widely available wherever books are sold.
- Upcoming signings mentioned: Asheville (Malaprops, Oct 28), Atlanta (Cherish Books, Nov 4), Bay Area events week of Dec 17 with a day-long workshop on Dec 22.
Favorite Moments
"Resentment is a really important signal—like a dashboard light. There's a need underneath it asking to be seen."
"Stop chasing 50/50. Bring your 100%—and expect your partner to bring theirs—in ways that ebb and flow with real capacity."
"The Shame Triangle links that inner critic, the shame it creates, and the 'escapes' we use to avoid feeling it. Naming it is the first step to changing it."Timestamps
- 00:01 — Meet Jessica & David; books, backgrounds, collaboration
- 16:00 — Sacredness, conditioning & rethinking mononormative scripts
- 18:00 — Jealousy vs. resentment; needs, signals & repair
- 22:00 — Ditching 50/50; capacity, boundaries, expectations
- 29:00 — Poly + parenting; integrating partners into family systems
- 44:00 — The Shame Triangle explained (persecutor, victim, rescuer/escapers)
- 54:00 — Why feedback can trigger shame—and how to receive it better
- 55:00 — Book release timing & event tour details