April 30, 2024 • 50 mins
Episode Summary:
Are you a chronic people-pleaser? Do you struggle with creating and holding boundaries? In this episode of Blasphemous Nutrition, Aimee interviews Tina Stinson, a boundary expert and life coach. Tina shares her personal journey of learning to set boundaries after significant, traumatic life events. Tina provides practical strategies for recognizing when and where to set boundaries and offers advice on how to have difficult conversations with others. The conversation highlights the power of being authentic and the benefits of surrounding ourselves with people who respect our boundaries. Listeners are encouraged to embrace their authenticity and prioritize their own needs and given strategies to begin doing so.
Key Takeaways:
- Setting boundaries is essential for self-care and protecting our well-being.
- Boundaries are the foundation of deep-level self-care and self-worth.
- Recognize patterns and situations where boundaries need to be set.
- Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion as you navigate the process of setting boundaries.
- Difficult conversations can lead to deeper connections and stronger relationships.
Notable Quotes:
- "Boundaries are the foundation to all that deep-level self-care and your self-worth."
- "You should never have to light yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm."
- "Boundaries are about protecting the energy around you."
- "You are the person who makes the rules for you, not society, not this other person."
- "Every time I've been honest, even when I feel like I'm going to puke, it's always been the best thing I could have done."
Resources:
Find Tina:
Soul Aligned Self Care Podcast
Free Gift: Tina's Most Downloaded Meditation Bundle: https://www.tinastinson.com/sasc-meditation-bundle-oi
Website: https://www.tinastinson.com
Join Tina in the Soul Aligned Self Care Insiders Group for Daily Deep Level Self Care: Soul Aligned Self Care Insiders | Self Care, Mindset, Meditations, Finding Calm in Lifes Chaos | Patreon
Photography by: Dai Ross Photography
Podcast Cover Art: Lilly Kate Creative
Blasphemous Nutrition on Substack
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey Rebels, welcome toBlasphemous Nutrition.
Consider this podcast yourpantry full of clarity,
perspective, and the nuanceneeded to counter the
superficial health advice sofreely given on the internet.
I'm Amy, the unapologeticallycandid host of Blasphemous
Nutrition and a double degreednutritionist with 20 years
experience.
(00:22):
I'm here to share a more nuancedtake.
On living and eating well tosustain and recover your health.
If you've found most healthadvice to be so generic as to be
meaningless, We're so extremethat it's unrealistic, and you
don't mind the occasional Fbomb.
You've come to the right place.
From dissecting the latestnutrition trends to breaking
(00:43):
down published research andsharing my own clinical
experiences, I'm on a mission tofoster clarity amidst all the
confusion and empower you tohave the health you need to live
a life you love.
Now let's get started.
Tina Stinson is a life coach andhost of the soul aligned self
(01:05):
care podcast.
In this episode of Blasphemousnutrition, Tina and I meet to
discuss the complexity oflearning, how to create healthy
boundaries, including how torecognize when you need to
create boundaries and where youneed to create boundaries, as
well as the process and outcomesof doing so.
Tina shares so many fantasticrelatable examples from her own
(01:30):
life offers clear strategies.
And we get down into some realtalk on what it means to claim
your life and your time for whatmatters most to you.
If you enjoy today's episode, besure to also listen to Tina's
podcast.
To subscribe to blast Ms.
Nutrition, if you have not doneso already.
(01:53):
And without further ado, here'sthe conversation.
You
Aimee (02:02):
Tina Stinson, welcome to Blasphemous Nutrition.
Tina (02:06):
Oh, well, thank you for having me.
I'm excited for ourconversation.
Aimee (02:11):
Yeah, when you, um, called yourself a boundary
badass, I was like, whoa, stopthe presses.
I need this woman on my show.
We got to talk.
Yeah, absolutely.
So why don't you, share a littlebit with our listeners how you
came to, how you came to donthat, that identity and really
(02:33):
integrate that as part ofyourself.
Were you born that way?
Did you come by it through theschool of hard knocks?
Yeah,
Tina (02:43):
definitely was not born that way.
so yeah, it was a necessity atsome point in my life, but,
because I was in, a veryverbally abusive relationship
for a long time.
I, I learned to become.
somewhat of a professionalpeople pleaser in order to
protect myself and survive.
(03:03):
And I feel like a lot of peopledo that.
but I really mastered it, but Idid it also in a way where I
didn't even realize I was doingit, and coming out of that
relationship and starting torebuild my self worth, and
connect with myself.
I realized that, I needed To setboundaries and I learned that
boundaries were the foundationof all my deep level self care
(03:25):
in order to, help myself recoverand survive coming out of that
relationship.
I did have a stroke, which ledme to my health journey.
And so, the stroke was caused bystress.
So I was just trying to likefigure out all these different
ways where I could.
give myself the best odds, so tospeak, to have a healthy, happy
(03:45):
life where I was, thriving andnot just surviving.
And so that's where the boundarybed ass came in.
But it was, it was a process.
It was a really, really longprocess because when you're in
that people pleasing mode for areally, really long time, it's,
you know, it's undoing somethingthat you've been doing for a
long time.
(04:05):
So it takes time to.
Undo the mindset, the wholething around it, and it really
kind of, um, dismantles yourlife because when you're a
people pleaser and you're doingit almost like subconsciously,
you're not really aware of it.
You're doing it with everyone.
And so.
(04:25):
All of my relationships, and Ihad some really strong long term
relationships, even with mygirlfriends and stuff like that,
I realized were not really basedon who I am.
It was based on who I portrayedmyself to be in order to make
somebody else comfortable.
Aimee (04:41):
Wow.
Yeah.
So in that, I mean, now Iimagine really shook things up.
not just for you, but again, foreveryone around you, because
they expected, they expected acertain, they expected you to be
a certain way, right?
And when you make this decision,right?
(05:04):
Like you draw the line in thesand and you're like, okay,
things have to change.
It's for you.
It was literally essentially alife or death situation called
you up to step into this.
You know, I am imagining allthese scenarios in my head where
(05:24):
you come to this realizationthat how you, how you behave in
the world really has to change.
And what you need to do toprotect yourself necessitates
changing how you relate toeveryone.
And I'm not,, I don't know ifthat happened all at once or it
was the sort of peeling back ofthe layers of realizing, Oh, I'm
doing it here.
Oh, I'm doing it here.
(05:45):
Oh, I, it's everywhere.
Oh my goodness.
Tina (05:48):
Yeah, yeah, it is, it is a little bit at a time.
And the same goes for theshifting of the people in your
life because when I talk topeople about boundaries, I
always say a lot of people areafraid to set boundaries because
they're afraid of losing friendsand losing loved ones.
And I'm like, if that person.
That's meant to be in your life.
They're going to be in yourlife.
(06:08):
And if they're not, it's notgoing to be like this big
devastating final ending.
It's going to shift over timeand it fades out.
So people fade in and peoplefade out.
And the people that truly, trulylove you and care about you
aren't going to get upset whenyou set boundaries.
And what happens when you're apeople pleaser is you
(06:28):
automatically attract Some ofthe worst kind of people that
now that doesn't mean if you'rea people pleaser, everybody
around you is bad.
It just means that it does tendto attract somebody who's like a
narcissistic personality.
And so those are the people thatare going to get really kind of
pissed off when you start togrow, grow a backbone and start
(06:49):
to send, set those boundaries toprotect your own wellbeing.
And so, it really does.
it sounds scary when you talkabout it, but in the long run,
it is absolutely beautifulbecause you, you know, the
people that are meant to be,, inyour surrounding, the people
that are there to build you upand support you and that you're
(07:10):
good friends.
And then, the people who reallyweren't a good friend and it
doesn't mean that you might notever talk to them again, but it
does mean that you're going tolimit.
Um, and protect yourself.
And so the setting of thoseboundaries is the key thing.
And you know, I can't say itenough.
Boundaries are the foundation toall that deep level self care
(07:34):
and your self worth.
it just really is.
Like you can't, you could do allthese different other self care
practices and all these otherthings to help, help yourself
improve that love that you havefor yourself.
But if you don't have strongboundaries, it's, it's going to
be like this constant battle.
So setting those boundaries tosupport yourself are, is just so
(07:56):
important.
It's like the foundation.
Aimee (07:59):
It's, it's that it reminds me very much of that
analogy of Using a pail to throwwater out of a sinking ship,
right?
You can do everything thatexternally, right?
But if you continue to allowpeople to overstep, your
(08:22):
boundaries, if if you are awareof what they are, or take your
time from you for their needsand not yours, because you
aren't advocating for your ownneeds.
Then you're left in a perpetualdeficit that you're always
scrambling to, to try andmitigate.
Tina (08:41):
Mm hmm.
That's a perfect example.
Aimee (08:44):
Yeah, you can't really ever get ahead in that
situation.
Tina (08:48):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, and, and as you mentioned,you know, sometimes it can be
really hard to figure out whereyou need to set boundaries
because people might be like,yeah, I think I need to set
boundaries.
I'm,, I'm constantly, doing allthese things for others.
And so there's certain likequestions.
That you can ask yourself andthere's certain the first step
(09:08):
to anything is always awareness,right?
And so there's certain questionsyou can ask yourself and certain
behaviors you can keep your eyeout for in yourself to first
become aware of whether you needto set a boundary or not.
And so, some of the things Isee.
from almost all people that needboundaries is they say things
like, nobody appreciates me.
You know, everybody always walksall over me, right?
(09:31):
And, and setting boundaries islike the strongest way you can
call yourself out.
It really is, right?
Because you're in that victimmode a little bit.
And so it's, it's like,everybody walks all over me and
nobody appreciates me.
I do all this stuff and nobodyeven sees it above, You find if
you find yourself saying that alot and especially with certain
people, then that's a clue thatyou might need to set a
(09:53):
boundary, right?
And then another thing is if youfind yourself like softening
your personality or yourbehavior or restricting your
personality behavior in front ofcertain people in order to avoid
some kind of a crisis, it couldbe like somebody else's outburst
or some kind of judgment orsomething like that.
Yeah.
(10:14):
Then that might be a place thatyou need to set a boundary and
make a shift, right?
Um, and I always say there's aquote I can't remember who said
it, but you should never have tolight yourself on fire to keep
somebody else warm and it's It'sthe it's the perfect example.
I can't remember who said it,but it's so graphic
Aimee (10:31):
but something that graphic is needed in this
situation because I don't thinkwe It is so subtle and and so
accepted right, There'sparticularly among women, you
know, to be that people pleaserthat I think we don't often
fully realize the extent towhich it is self harm
Tina (10:52):
to
Aimee (10:52):
perpetually be in that position where you are
sacrificing yourself foreverybody else's needs and
wants.
And oftentimes it's notextracting from you.
It's, their whims and theirdesires because they know
you're, you're up to task to doit.
Tina (11:10):
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
And, and another thing that is,is really difficult for, I find
with a lot of women is, havingthem support their own
boundaries.
So like everybody is completelydifferent, right?
So everybody has a certainamount of stress they can take
until they break.
(11:30):
Everybody has a certain amountof, uh, uncomfortable situations
that they can take before theyend up, you know, with,
disabling anxiety, you know,everybody is different.
So my boundary might lookdifferent than your boundary.
And, when somebody, if you'rearound a person, Who doesn't
want you to set a boundarybecause it takes away from their
(11:52):
experience, then they're goingto question the boundary and
they're going to make youquestion yourself.
And so they'll, they'll be like,that's a ridiculous boundary.
how, how could you, how couldyou do that?
How could you say that orwhatever, whatever the challenge
might be, but you have to knowwhat's good for you and how much
you could take.
What I can take might not be asmuch as the person over there
(12:13):
can take.
It might just,, maybe I'm, maybeI'm soft, you know, maybe I, I
tend towards stress and anxiety,which I do.
Right.
So I know how I feel in my body.
And so setting these boundariesis almost like learning to trust
yourself and how you feel again,because you really have to like
tune in to how your body feels.
(12:36):
And it tells you when somethingdoesn't feel right, right?
And sometimes boundaries shift.
So when you go through a healingperiod, and you start to reduce
your stress, you start to setboundaries, you have more
tolerance for certain things,and you might not need to like
set boundaries as strong as theyare to protect your energy.
(12:56):
so say yeah, even as somethinglike a boundary with yourself or
something is like, you know,when I go to a party, I can go
to a party for two hours andhave a really good time.
But after that party, I'm spent,like I'm spent.
So don't plan an activity aftera party.
Or, if you have to, like, if youhave a meeting with a person, or
(13:18):
sometimes, if I have a difficultclient, it could really, really
suck the life out of me.
I love my clients, but I take ontheir emotions, right?
And I know this about myself.
So.
I respect the boundary I set isI'm going to create space after
that client so that I could dosome breath work or go for a run
or go for a walk to release theenergy because I'm, I'm taking
(13:41):
on their emotions.
And so I know this about myself.
No, not everybody's like that.
Right.
But I am.
And so I don't take on as manyclients just to protect my
energy and my wellbeing.
Right.
So boundaries aren't just aboutlike, You know, uh, trying to
get somebody else to behave acertain way for yourself.
It's about protecting the energyaround you,, and I think one of
(14:05):
the hardest concepts to likekind of absorb is that when it
comes to boundaries, it's 100percent your responsibility.
It's not anybody else'sresponsibility to respect.
I'm using quote marks right now.
Respect your boundary.
It's not about like, I set aboundary and they didn't listen
(14:26):
to me and that's it.
They, they don't respect me.
And it's not about that becauseif a person cares about you,
they're going to figure out thatyou want to change a certain
behavior and it doesn't happen.
Instantaneously, when you set aboundary, most people are so
focused on themselves thatthey're not doing this on
purpose to you.
They don't mean you harm.
(14:47):
And so part of setting, I alwayssay setting and maintaining
about boundaries, part of thatsetting is maintaining it.
Like part of the, it's acomplete process.
If you don't maintain it,there's no boundary.
and so, so it's like you have togo through the continuous
process of saying, listen, youknow, when you do this, it, it,
(15:09):
this is how it makes me feel.
And I just want to share thatwith you.
And, if you keep doing this,then I'm not going to be able to
continue this conversation orwhatever, and there's ways to do
it where you don't sound likeyou're like put laying the law
down or something like this.
You're really sharing with theperson that.
You might not be trying to makeme feel this way, but this is
how this is the experience I'mhaving.
(15:30):
And so I, this is what I'm goingto do every time you do that.
And, and then when I do it, thenyou have to maintain it by
reminding them, this is what I'mgoing to do now, because, you
know, this doesn't work for me.
And there's, there's Boundariesthat you set, in your business.
So I always, I always use thisexample because it was, it was a
(15:51):
hard lesson for me, to learn.
So I used to sell real estate,and I was a single mom with
three kids, and so if I If Ilike with real estate, you only
make money when you're sellingsomething, you don't have a
salary or anything like that.
And so it's really hard tocontain yourself and take time
off.
And so one of the boundariesthat I set with my clients and
(16:14):
with myself is that after, Idon't remember what time it was,
but after six o'clock, I'm notgoing to be taking any calls and
I will turn the call the nextday.
And the only time.
that wasn't the case was if Iwas in the middle of a
negotiation because you can't dothat when you're negotiating,
right?
So that was the recording on myphone when people called me,
(16:34):
right?
And you know, you know, whenyour cell phone rings, you could
see who's calling you and you'relike, it's so difficult to like
not answer the phone when you,if it's a client or something
like that, because you're soafraid of losing that client.
But,, I set that boundary sothat I had time with my family,
so, uh, it wasn't just aboutother people respecting my
boundary.
(16:54):
It was about me respecting myboundary.
And the second I answer thatphone, I'm not respecting my own
boundary and there's no boundaryanymore.
and we
Aimee (17:03):
teach others how to treat us.
Exactly.
And when we've been doing it oneway for so long, it often does
take repetition and consistencyto teach them to treat us
differently and to treatourselves differently as well.
Yeah.
Because that, that again, likewhen you set a boundary for
(17:24):
yourself and you violate thatboundary you have created for
yourself, nobody's going toknow, but you, exactly.
Exactly.
And if you don't, like, I thinkif you don't value and respect
yourself enough at the onset,you can effectively become as
(17:45):
harmful to yourself as someoneelse could be to you because,
again, you're not respectingyour own boundaries that you're
setting for yourself with verygood intention to get your life
to a place you want it to be.
And that's, do you have anywords of wisdom?
(18:06):
Anything that you can share inthat area of, of developing
that, that resiliency withyourself, right?
Because again, nobody's watchingyou.
And I mean, I think, I think inyour situation, it was such a
severe wake up call that Iimagine as soon as, I am
(18:28):
imagining this, but I don't knowthat to be true, that as soon as
you were realizing there was aboundary that needed to be made.
And what that boundary was, youwere making it and holding to it
because the consequences but I,you know, I don't know that.
And I'm certain you've workedwith people who haven't had such
a severe wake up call andstruggle with maintaining the
(18:48):
boundaries that they're settingfor themselves.
Would you have any.
Any, any advice or pearls ofwisdom that you could share?
Tina (18:57):
Well, it all, it really, there's so many different topics
that kind of relate to eachother.
So you have the boundaries, youhave, that connection with
yourself, almost like that, thatgut intuition, and then you have
your self worth and your selflove and they're all like
connected in that way.
And I would say, I would agreewith you that when you don't
respect your own boundaries withyourself.
(19:19):
it could be as harmful.
I would go even further and sayit's almost more harmful because
your relationship with yourselfis the most important
relationship that you can have.
And reminding yourself of thatis like the first step to even
before you even set thoseboundaries with the other
people, you have to have respectfor your own time and your,
(19:40):
your, your health.
And so it's about.
It's about the process ofcontinuously.
It's almost changing a limitingbelief.
It's like this continuousprocess.
So like you've had this, thisbehavior.
So it's almost like a riverthat's been flowing in a certain
direction for a long time.
And it makes, it creates thatgroove and it's over there.
(20:00):
and then you're trying to changethat behavior and to make it go
into a more positive direction.
It's going to take a little timeto create that groove.
And so I feel like the.
One of the first things that youhave to realize is that you have
to be kind to yourself whenyou're trying to set these
boundaries, because if you'redoing it in a way where you're
like, I did it again, you know,I wasn't able to do it.
(20:21):
It's more about looking at whathappened.
And then you saying to yourself,okay, What did I learn here?
You know, because it's going topop up in all these different
situations, like so manydifferent situations, right?
So what did I learn here?
And what's the shift I need tomake in order to move forward
and have better success than thenext time?
(20:43):
And.
The kindness part is like sohuge, you know, and there's
going to be so many.
I don't like using the wordfailure because people have
defined it in such a negativeway, but you don't have success
without failure.
And so the more times you fail,the better, so the more times
you fail setting boundaries withyourself and with others, the
(21:05):
more you're going to learn aboutyourself and other people.
And the more you'll move, you'llmove faster towards success.
If you do that, and so I thinkthe biggest thing there's no
secret thing that you can do.
I think the most important thingis to be kind to yourself and
make it a point to reflect everytime you think that It didn't go
(21:29):
the way it was supposed to, oryou have a failure, you know,
exactly what can I dodifferently?
How can I shift?
How can I make this easier formyself to move through?
You know, using a verysimplistic example of the, the
phone call, so like I get aphone call from a client and I,
I'm not in the middle of a dealwith them, but.
(21:49):
I knew they were getting readyto write an offer or something
like that.
And they call me, it's 7 30 atnight.
And Oh my God, I didn't closeany deals this month yet.
So what do I do?
I answer the phone and I'm like,okay, well, how could I, how
could I make that boundary workbetter?
So what I could do is.
I'm working closely with thisclient.
I know they're going to write anoffer soon.
(22:10):
Tell them, I have a policy.
I don't answer the phone aftersix o'clock at night.
If you need anything, make sureyou call me before six o'clock
at night.
Otherwise I'm not going to beable to talk to you till the
next morning.
And so you're just looking athow can I make that work better
for myself?
So it's not as painful.
Now that person knows that ifyou don't answer the phone, it's
not that you don't want to writethe offer for them.
(22:33):
That's your boundary and theywere people respect that,
Aimee (22:36):
and they often admire it.
I think particularly with workboundaries have become so non
existent in so many differentareas.
That's someone who's willing tomaintain some is, you know,
maybe they're not Depending onthe personality, maybe they're
(22:58):
not, necessarily admired for it,but they will be respected,
whether a coworker agrees withyour boundary or thinks it's
okay or not okay or castjudgment or doesn't, on some
level, they will respect you forstanding up for yourself.
Tina (23:15):
Yeah, and like using the same example, moving into a
negotiation process with aclient who knows that you have
boundaries isn't going to try towalk all over you during the
process because, and they'rethere, they know that other
people aren't going to walk allover you either.
You know, and so they know thatyou're the person for the job.
And so there's just so manybenefits to setting boundaries.
(23:35):
Now going into the workplace, itcould be really, I've worked
with people trying to setboundaries in the workplace.
And it's really, really hardwhen you, like I was employed by
myself.
So nobody's going to fire me,you know?
So setting boundaries with atough boss.
Is really difficult.
And it's almost like, you know,so like say you're being
overworked and you're beinghandled all these projects and
(23:57):
then you're like, you can't evenget it done in a 50 hour work
week, let alone a 40 hour workweek.
And this guy, this person comesup to you and says, here's
another project.
And it's like, how are yousupposed to handle that?
And it's like, well, you couldsay something like, Oh, Which
one of these projects is yourpriority because I want to give
(24:17):
you my best work.
So if you're giving me this asyour priority, then I'm going to
have to, put this project so andso project on hold in order to
get this done for you, because Iwant to give you my best work.
So it's not like saying, no, Ican't do this.
It's saying, well, if you wantme to do this, then I have to
let go of something over here.
And so there's like, It's almostlike the all these little micro
(24:39):
conversations that you have tohave with a person in order to
get it across without saying,screw you, I'm done, like, you
know, and sometimes there's noresolution, and it's about
finding a different job, and soI would say those are very
difficult boundaries to set,personal relationships also
obvious for obvious reasons.
(25:00):
Emotional reasons are sodifficult to set boundaries with
people, especially with,children and parents.
I had trouble setting boundarieswith my children, but, I
Especially when I was a singlemom because you're always like
in this position of almostfeeling like they're being
shortchanged because they don'thave both parents in the
(25:20):
household and you feel like, Idon't know, feeling sorry for
them is the right wording forit, but you almost feel like you
have to overcompensate as asingle parent.
So it was really hard for me toset boundaries with my kids and
saying no to things and I waslucky enough to have really
great kids that didn't takeadvantage of that.
But it is difficult to do and itcould be a real struggle, but
(25:44):
there's, there's steps that youcan take to get comfortable in
the process, and I always tellpeople, make a list, you know,
like the awareness is the firstthing.
So those questions that I talkedabout at the beginning, and it's
like, take note of thosesituations and those people and
then notice the pattern.
So I noticed that with thisfriend of mine, like she always
does this over and over and overand over again.
(26:06):
That's a pattern.
That's where you need to set aboundary.
If it only happens once and thenit never happens again, you
know, I wouldn't even beconcerned about it.
But if it's something that'scontinuous and you might know,
like off the top of your head,Yeah, I know who I need to set a
boundary with, right?
Yeah.
I'm sure there
Aimee (26:21):
are plenty of listeners who are already like, Oh
Tina (26:23):
yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so it's like, I would make alist.
I'm a list person.
Not everybody's a list person,but I would make a list and you
could do it in a couple ofdifferent ways.
If you've never set a boundaryand you're really nervous about
it, you could start really,really small with a very easy
one.
And.
(26:44):
I would go as far, because I didthis, as coming up with a
script, write it out.
what are you going to say tothat person?
And if you know the personreally well, what are they going
to say back?
And how are you going to handleit?
How are you going to moveforward, right?
And practicing that, practicingthat script in the mirror, or
even with another person whosupports you, support you is the
(27:05):
key word.
Yeah.
And getting comfortable withsaying it to yourself before you
say it to someone else.
I was so.
I was so beaten down that it wasso hard for me to set
boundaries.
So hard.
And once I started settingboundaries with that person I
was in a relationship with, theydid not like that.
(27:29):
At all, you know, and and itactually brought an easier end
to the relationship than if Ihad to, if I just cut it off
completely, like, at that point,because they were the type of
person that you attract whenyou're a people pleaser that
like to take advantage of thatand about heat.
If he wasn't going to get thatfrom me, he was going to go find
(27:50):
that somewhere else.
and so then that brought therelationship to an end.
And so it doesn't have to bethis big, huge, dramatic.
like experience or ending.
And so, just taking those babysteps, or if you're very
uncomfortable and you have alittle bit of confidence in
yourself, and you're like this,this boundary right here is the
(28:11):
one that's going to make me feelso much better.
If I set that one first, even ifit's a big one or a hard one,
But still do the script,practice the script, practice
the different scenarios,practice how you're going to
manage your emotions when you gothrough it.
How are you going to not yell?
if the other person's like ayeller and that maybe that's
even part of the boundary, howare you not going to yell back?
(28:33):
You're like, and I always tellpeople it's um I always tell
people it's perfectlyacceptable.
To do what feels best for you.
And if you need to end theconversation and say something
like, listen, I just need alittle space right now.
Can we like talk again aboutthis later?
You know, even if that person isin a fit of rage, like, and then
(28:54):
say, I need to, I need to removemyself from this situation.
And I will talk later and justremove yourself from the
situation and whatever feelsright for you is acceptable
because you Are the person whomakes the rules for you, not
society, not this other person,not, the way you were trained as
(29:15):
a child.
And I say trained because womenare trained to be very
submissive and very peoplepleasing.
and so like it's about reallygetting to know yourself and how
you feel in your body and, andthen also being honest at the
same time, not taking advantageof boundaries, using it to just
(29:35):
like block people out that, soyou don't have to deal with an
uncomfortable situation thatshould be dealt with.
You know,
Aimee (29:41):
that's, that's an excellent point because we do,
we are in the middle of a, youknow, what we call cancel
culture where, uh, The standardpractice these days seems to be
to just cut someone off ratherthan give yourself and that
other person their respect anddignity of, letting them know
(30:02):
why.
Tina (30:03):
So,
Aimee (30:04):
I, I appreciate you, you mentioning that.
Something else that also came upfor me when you were talking
about leaving was, um, you know,getting out of a situation if
someone won't respect yourboundaries.
Thank you.
Is that that can literally mean.
Hanging up on them, getting inyour car and driving away if you
(30:26):
have to, right?
When you need to get out of asituation to recollect yourself,
right?
To get regrounded.
I know for myself, one of thethings that I struggled with,
when I was learning boundarieswas that if someone, if I was in
an argument with someone.
And they were starting todominate, I, I would disappear.
(30:50):
I would like, you know,completely, almost like go out
of my body and disappear.
And then it was whatever theyneeded to calm down so that I
could feel safe again.
Tina (31:00):
Right.
Aimee (31:01):
And when I started getting that kind of that
internal, that internal voicewas getting a little bit louder
and I was more connected tomyself and I was ready to change
that situation.
I had to physically, I mean thiswas back when you didn't hang up
the, well you hung up the phoneand then left the, left the
(31:21):
receiver.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Way back in the day.
Um, you know, leave the phoneoff the hook and, you know, get
in my car and physically leavethe premises because I, I could
not stand up for myself if Iwasn't connected to myself.
Tina (31:39):
Mm hmm.
Aimee (31:40):
And I couldn't continue the conversation in the manner
that I needed to if I was, youknow, if I was.
In that high level of reactivemode, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
To come back to myself.
Tina (31:53):
Yeah, it's so important.
Yeah.
And talking about like thecancel culture thing again to
also, yeah, it's like some time,as soon as you start making
assumptions about someone else'sbehavior, you're in trouble,
right?
Because you, you don't know.
And you can't like, you know,like, when going back to the
comment, um, nobody appreciatesme, everyone walks all over you.
(32:14):
Probably not true.
Probably not true because it'sjust you not creating the
boundary and people are humannature is to like, okay, well,
she does this all the time.
So it's okay.
You know, it's human nature.
It's not that they don't likeyou or they don't appreciate
you.
And so if we are assumingsomeone's behaving a certain way
for a certain reason, Then we'realready losing.
(32:36):
So it's more instead of justlike canceling them out.
It's about having theconversation with them.
even a person that's beingsomewhat, um, I'm not saying to
stay around an abuser, but aperson that's yelling and, um,
losing control of their emotionsin that way.
They might be in a lot of pain.
(32:57):
And if, if you can show that youcan have a conversation with
them in a calm matter, theymight reflect that back to you.
Now, if that doesn't, if thatdoesn't happen, then yeah, of
course, remove yourself from thesituation, but you might,
Connect on a deeper level inthat relationship, you know, and
if you're just going to likewalk away from it because you're
uncomfortable, I, I, I reallyit's like every situation is
(33:20):
different.
And I feel like I'm walking onlike thin ice here because, if
you're in a domestic violencesituation, then you need to like
get help in that situation.
So I'm not really talking aboutthat.
I'm talking about it.
the person that you are, you'reclose with who might be having a
situation might be having somekind of a, they might need help,
(33:41):
and so not to, completely writeit off, try to have the
difficult conversation.
Don't shy away from thedifficult conversation.
I know it's so icky and it canmake your skin crawl, but they
can be so powerful sometimes andbring you closer to a good
friend.
Instead of losing a good friend,you know, so it's a, every
(34:02):
situation is different and youhave to be able once again to
connect into your body and knowwhat's right for you in that
moment.
And if it's walking away, ifit's going into another room, if
it's hanging up the phone,whatever it is, or if it's
trying to in a calm voice,continue the conversation, then
(34:22):
that's.
that's what you should try todo.
So I, I would encourage peopleto, not always make assumptions
about other people and howthey're feeling until you've
actually asked them to expressthat to you.
Aimee (34:34):
Yeah, exactly.
Have them explicitly state toyou what is, what is going on
for them.
If you feel like, if you feellike you can like say, this is
what I'm perceiving from you,right?
This is taking this assumption,but I, I want to check that
assumption.
Is this true?
Yeah.
(34:54):
I think those, like thoseconversations are so terrifying.
Honesty is, honesty is terriblyscary, but, um, you know, every
time, every time that I've beenhonest.
Even when I feel like I'm goingto puke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(35:17):
It's always, it's always beenthe best thing that I possibly
could have done.
And what you said, like whatyou've said about making
friendships closer, you know,it's true that the depth of, of
friendship and.
love that happens when you canshow up honestly and just be
(35:39):
like, this is who I am.
This is how I feel.
And they receive that.
And they accept that the levelof trust that's developed is so
deep.
And that person in seeing youdoing it is also more willing
and more likely to go a layerdeeper with you.
Right?
Tina (35:58):
Exactly.
Somebody has to take the firststep.
Aimee (36:00):
Yeah.
And we're all terrified.
We're all terrified to take thefirst step.
Tina (36:06):
Absolutely.
Where everybody, I always saythere's always magic on the
other side of discomfort.
And like you said, anytime I'mscared to do something, I look
at it and I'm like, it'sprobably exactly what I'm
supposed to do.
It's, almost always, I'm nottelling people to jump, go pet
the line, you know, but it's,you know, like for example, when
I first started my podcast, Idid, uh, like, solo shows only.
(36:28):
And I Terrified to do guestepisodes, absolutely terrified
because, I was a littleintimidated by the technology
and I didn't want to embarrassmyself and I wanted to, remain
professional.
And so it took me a while.
And so I eased myself into it byhaving people I know on first,
to make it easy, but I knew thatthat was the one step I needed
(36:50):
to take.
To grow, even though it wasterrifying to me.
and it's, like I said, there'salways magic on the other side,
the amount of amazing people,like I met you, obviously,
right?
The amount of amazing people Iget to talk to and meet and I've
made friends, so it's like, I'mlike, it's amazing.
So, and if I just remained Likescared and in that place, I
(37:12):
would have never met all ofthese amazing people and, had
different opportunitiespresented to me.
And so I always, whenever I, Ifeel that fear, I'm always like,
Oh, I'm so scared to dosomething.
And I I recently said thissomewhere else.
I don't even remember where Isaid this, but it's kind of like
when you have to.
(37:34):
Jump in the pool and the pool iscold and, there's the people and
I'm one of these people so I'mnot like coming down hard on you
or anything, but you know, youstick your foot in and then you
ease yourself in and then you'regetting trying to get
comfortable and it's liketorture.
It's like slow torture and thenwhen you get to the belly part,
it's like freezing and you'relike, oh my God, and then
(37:54):
dipping your head under is likethe worst part when I know for a
fact that I could just jump in.
Really fast.
And within like a minute, I'mgoing to acclimate to the water.
And then I, you know, I rememberdoing this when I was a kid,
like swimming at night, then youget you're in the water and
actually you get comfortablewith the temperature of the
water.
And then when you come out ofthe water, It's cold and the
(38:17):
water feels warm.
So it's, it's like such aperfect metaphor because once
you make that big step and yougrow, you become comfort, you
become comfortable in thatexpanded position.
And that's what it's all about,right?
Isn't that what life's all aboutis about growing and trying new
things and moving forward.
And so, fear is always like asign that a sign of something,
(38:41):
you know what I mean?
It's a sign of something and itcould be like I said, magic on
the other side and, taking thosesteps, even when it comes to
being, like I talked about how Iwas a people pleaser with my
friends where I just was, I justmorphed my personality into, uh,
what I thought they liked.
(39:02):
Right.
And so one of the things Inoticed that was like an aha
moment for me when I started,showing up as myself, was that
all my friends were so differentthat if I put them all in a
room, they probably wouldn't getalong.
And, and it's because I wasn'tattracting people that were like
me.
It was because I was morphing.
Myself into what they were.
(39:23):
It was such a like weirdrealization.
I had
Aimee (39:27):
that moment And and yeah, when I realized like I said like
I was segregating my parties andmy yes and I was like I was
scared to have them all cometogether because What would they
think of each other?
And then what would they thinkof me if I wouldn't they knew I
was friends with that person,right?
And then exactly.
Yes so much drama in my head You
Tina (39:49):
Yeah.
And it's, it's so much energythat you're wasting just by not
being yourself, not showing up ahundred percent authentic, like
uncensored version of yourself.
Right.
And you, you're really, that'sreally what your purpose is
here.
Like you're supposed to,, youwere born here.
There's nobody else like you.
In this time period, like you'recompletely unique.
(40:11):
Why would you not show up asyourself?
Like I spent so much of my lifenot showing up as myself.
I just feel like, I was meant tolearn this lesson.
So to share it with otherpeople, cause otherwise what a
waste it would be.
And so when you have a friendthat seems so different from you
and you show up a certain way,In order to be accepted by that
person.
(40:31):
Or you think if I show up asmyself, they're not going to
like me anymore.
Try it out.
Like, so I love this example.
So say that you're like insideyour closet, spiritual person,
like you're super woo, woo, andyou're like, Oh, the, the, the
crystals and stuff.
And you like the tarot cards andyou love talking to psychics and
(40:54):
stuff like that.
But you have this reallyconservative friend that you've
been good friends with for 20years and they think that stuff
is just all a bunch of BS.
At least that's your assumption,right?
But then one day you have thecourage to talk about an
experience you had and then theysay back to you Oh my god, I
love that I love reading myhoroscope or I look, you know,
(41:15):
whatever.
And then, and then think aboutit.
You don't lose a friend and thenyou have this deeper connection
with them where you get to sharethis whole other side of
yourself with them.
So why not just show up likethat in the first place, and it
might not turn out that way.
They could look at you and belike, whatever.
Okay.
But then keep showing up thatway.
(41:35):
Maybe they'll embrace it.
Maybe they won't.
But the, the point is, don't youwant to surround yourself with
the type of people who are meantto be around you, right?
And not like some kind ofchoreographed, life that isn't
really honest, you know,
Aimee (41:51):
awesome.
I feel like I need, I neededthat today.
You know, I, this, this podcastis still new and, uh, it took
me, I think I, I first thoughtabout doing a podcast, I want to
say it was probably 2019.
So it took me a hot minute toactually like drive up the
(42:13):
ovarian juice necessary to hit.
Tina (42:16):
Yeah.
It's hard.
It is.
Aimee (42:19):
And I knew because I knew if I was going to do this, I
really needed to do it from aplace of being authentic and
being real with all of myblasphemous, scandalous
opinions.
And, it was a really long timebefore, before I felt like, I
(42:41):
could do that and be strongenough to handle whatever came
back at me by doing it.
Yeah.
And, and you know, now that I'ma couple months in, I, I'm
catching myself starting tocensor myself again.
Mm hmm.
So, I really appreciate youshowing up and reminding me not
(43:02):
to do that.
Tina (43:04):
It's a continuous process, like, I have to continuously
remind myself to do things likethat.
and I think it's just, it's,it's a part of being human, you
know what I mean?
But the more that you can callyourself, it's so much easier to
just show up as yourself.
It's so much less work, likeyou, it's part of, you know,
like what I do is like helppeople reduce stress and
(43:24):
anxiety, overwhelm and burnout.
Right.
That's like my main goal is tohelp people avoid what I went
through.
And when you reduce the amountof energy you're putting towards
being inauthentic or whateveryou want to call it.
you have, you just feel morerelaxed, there's less stress,
it's just so much better.
And it's, it's a hard shift tomake and it's a gradual shift
(43:46):
and it's a lifetime process,just like everything is,, your
health, right.
Eating, nutrition, physicalexercise, everything is a
lifetime process that you haveto continuously work on.
So that's part of it.
Aimee (43:59):
Definitely.
Is there a question that Ihaven't asked you that you wish
I had asked you?
Tina (44:06):
Not really.
I think this was a really greatconversation about boundaries.
You know, I got to really likeexpress myself fully.
So thank you for that.
I appreciate that.
I'm so passionate about it.
Aimee (44:17):
My pleasure.
I'm really grateful that you hadso many wonderful suggestions
and examples for listeners,because I think for those who
are, you know, In that placewhere they know that something
needs to be done, and they arenot really sure how to start
about it, how to go and do that,having those examples and those
ideas for them to begin thatprocess is so, so helpful
(44:39):
because clear boundaries are notWell modeled.
Tina (44:45):
Yeah.
No, especially for women.
Like you said, it's, it'sreally, it's really hard.
And some of the people I workwith are in their sixties and
their seventies, you know?
And so it's like, it's never toolate to start the process.
I started in my forties, youknow what I mean?
So,
Aimee (45:01):
yeah, it is never too late.
And, and it doesn't, it, yeah,it does not matter.
Doesn't matter how old you are.
If you're still alive, you haveopportunities for better
friendships, for betterrelationships, for a better life
for yourself, as long as you'rebreathing.
Yeah.
That opportunity exists.
Tina (45:19):
Yeah.
And the world needs that versionof you.
Like that's why you're here.
We
Aimee (45:24):
do need, we do need our elders to be kicking some ass.
That's for sure.
Oh my
Tina (45:28):
God.
Yes, we do.
We need them right now.
We
Aimee (45:33):
do.
Someone's got to get these youngpeople into shape.
Tina (45:37):
Yeah.
Yup.
Yup.
They need this, all the supportthey can get.
It's a tough world right now.
For
Aimee (45:41):
sure.
For sure.
What is the biggest takeawaythat you hope listeners get from
our conversation today?
Tina (45:49):
I really, I really hope that they start to examine and
just become aware of where theymight need to set a boundary and
that they, remember to always bekind with themselves as they're
moving through the process,taking those baby steps, just
remember to be really kind withyourself.
Aimee (46:08):
Thank you so much, Tina.
Tina (46:10):
Thank you for having me.
It was great.
Aimee (46:12):
I've got one last question for you, though.
I'm not letting you off the hookyet.
Tina (46:16):
Uh oh.
Okay.
Aimee (46:18):
What is one thing about you that others would find
blasphemous?
Tina (46:24):
Oh, oh, I got a good one.
I really don't that I am agarlic farmer.
Really?
Yes.
I'm a, I'm very new at it, but Idid know I have a garlic farm
and an herbal farm like I growherbs and stuff like that.
And yeah, this year I have, uh,a thousand.
(46:46):
bulbs planted.
And my son is partnering up withme because I did it.
I did 400 last year and boy, wasthat a lot of work.
so he's partnering up with methis year.
Yeah.
So I'm the garlic queen.
Aimee (46:58):
I have so many, I have so many questions.
So I, my undergraduate.
Biochemistry professor wouldhave such a wonderful time
talking with you.
Tina (47:12):
Yeah,
Aimee (47:12):
she did.
She did research on multiple ongarlic.
And, yeah, she was absolutelyenamored with garlic as, as one
should be
Tina (47:22):
Yes.
I absolutely, I love garlic andit's, it's so healing and it
adds so much flavor.
It's so powerful.
Yeah, and then I, got into theherbs too.
so I make my skincare out of myherbs.
herbs add a lot of, as, youknow, nutrition into your diet.
And so they're so powerful, sobeautiful, and garlic is so easy
(47:43):
to grow.
I would encourage everyone totry to grow garlic at some
point.
Just make sure you're alwaysusing organic when you're
growing it.
But yeah, it's so easy to grow.
It's so rewarding.
It's amazing.
I find it amazing that you putone clove of garlic in the
ground and then in one seasonyou have this whole bulb.
Like I'm always amazed by seeds.
Like I, I'm fascinated.
(48:05):
So I'm definitely a hobby farmerthat I love it.
But this year I'm actually goingto the farmer's market and
selling my stuff.
So I was
Aimee (48:13):
going to say a thousand bulbs of garlic seems a little,
a little aggressive for a hobby.
Tina (48:18):
Yes.
Yeah.
So we make the garlic braids,those beautiful braids and I
make these, balls out of like,so a lot, not everybody wants.
10 to 12 bulbs of garlic, likenot everybody's like me, like a
crazy garlic person, but so Imake these little bulbs and then
I decorate them with some of theflowers that I grow on the farm.
So I grow like straw flowersthat are like dried flowers
(48:40):
already dried and just makethese beautiful creations.
So yeah, I, I really enjoy itand it's so peaceful being out
in my garden.
I love doing it.
That's fantastic.
Aimee (48:51):
Thank you so much for sharing that about yourself.
That's awesome.
Tina (48:54):
Sure.
Yeah, I love it.
Sure.
Aimee (48:57):
Well, Tina, I'm so glad to have had you on and I'm gonna
figure out a reason to have youback because I really appreciate
all of the wisdom and thetangible, actionable steps that
you've offered our listenerstoday.
And I'm certain that they wouldbenefit from hearing more.
Tina (49:13):
Oh, I would love to come back.
I enjoy talking to you too.
Aimee (49:17):
All right.
Take care.
Tina (49:19):
Bye.
If you have found some Nuggetsof Wisdom, make sure to
subscribe, rate, and shareBlasphemous Nutrition with those
you care about.
As you navigate the labyrinth ofhealth advice out there,
remember, health is a journey,not a dietary dictatorship.
Stay skeptical, stay daring, andchallenge the norms that no
(49:43):
longer serve you.
If you've got burning questionsor want to share your own flavor
of rebellion, slide into my DMs.
Your stories fuel me, and I lovehearing them.
Thanks again for tuning in toBlasphemous Nutrition.
Until next time, this is Amysigning off, reminding you that
truth is nuanced, and any dishcan be made better with a little
(50:05):
bit of sass.
Hey Rebels, welcome toBlasphemous Nutrition.
Consider this podcast yourpantry full of clarity,
perspective, and the nuanceneeded to counter the
superficial health advice sofreely given on the internet.
I'm Amy, the unapologeticallycandid host of Blasphemous
Nutrition and a double degreednutritionist with 20 years
experience.
(00:22):
I'm here to share a more nuancedtake.
On living and eating well tosustain and recover your health.
If you've found most healthadvice to be so generic as to be
meaningless, We're so extremethat it's unrealistic, and you
don't mind the occasional Fbomb.
You've come to the right place.
From dissecting the latestnutrition trends to breaking
(00:43):
down published research andsharing my own clinical
experiences, I'm on a mission tofoster clarity amidst all the
confusion and empower you tohave the health you need to live
a life you love.
Now let's get started.
Tina Stinson is a life coach andhost of the soul aligned self
(01:05):
care podcast.
In this episode of Blasphemousnutrition, Tina and I meet to
discuss the complexity oflearning, how to create healthy
boundaries, including how torecognize when you need to
create boundaries and where youneed to create boundaries, as
well as the process and outcomesof doing so.
Tina shares so many fantasticrelatable examples from her own
(01:30):
life offers clear strategies.
And we get down into some realtalk on what it means to claim
your life and your time for whatmatters most to you.
If you enjoy today's episode, besure to also listen to Tina's
podcast.
To subscribe to blast Ms.
Nutrition, if you have not doneso already.
(01:53):
And without further ado, here'sthe conversation.
You
Aimee (02:02):
Tina Stinson, welcome to Blasphemous Nutrition.
Tina (02:06):
Oh, well, thank you for having me.
I'm excited for ourconversation.
Aimee (02:11):
Yeah, when you, um, called yourself a boundary
badass, I was like, whoa, stopthe presses.
I need this woman on my show.
We got to talk.
Yeah, absolutely.
So why don't you, share a littlebit with our listeners how you
came to, how you came to donthat, that identity and really
(02:33):
integrate that as part ofyourself.
Were you born that way?
Did you come by it through theschool of hard knocks?
Yeah,
Tina (02:43):
definitely was not born that way.
so yeah, it was a necessity atsome point in my life, but,
because I was in, a veryverbally abusive relationship
for a long time.
I, I learned to become.
somewhat of a professionalpeople pleaser in order to
protect myself and survive.
(03:03):
And I feel like a lot of peopledo that.
but I really mastered it, but Idid it also in a way where I
didn't even realize I was doingit, and coming out of that
relationship and starting torebuild my self worth, and
connect with myself.
I realized that, I needed To setboundaries and I learned that
boundaries were the foundationof all my deep level self care
(03:25):
in order to, help myself recoverand survive coming out of that
relationship.
I did have a stroke, which ledme to my health journey.
And so, the stroke was caused bystress.
So I was just trying to likefigure out all these different
ways where I could.
give myself the best odds, so tospeak, to have a healthy, happy
(03:45):
life where I was, thriving andnot just surviving.
And so that's where the boundarybed ass came in.
But it was, it was a process.
It was a really, really longprocess because when you're in
that people pleasing mode for areally, really long time, it's,
you know, it's undoing somethingthat you've been doing for a
long time.
(04:05):
So it takes time to.
Undo the mindset, the wholething around it, and it really
kind of, um, dismantles yourlife because when you're a
people pleaser and you're doingit almost like subconsciously,
you're not really aware of it.
You're doing it with everyone.
And so.
(04:25):
All of my relationships, and Ihad some really strong long term
relationships, even with mygirlfriends and stuff like that,
I realized were not really basedon who I am.
It was based on who I portrayedmyself to be in order to make
somebody else comfortable.
Aimee (04:41):
Wow.
Yeah.
So in that, I mean, now Iimagine really shook things up.
not just for you, but again, foreveryone around you, because
they expected, they expected acertain, they expected you to be
a certain way, right?
And when you make this decision,right?
(05:04):
Like you draw the line in thesand and you're like, okay,
things have to change.
It's for you.
It was literally essentially alife or death situation called
you up to step into this.
You know, I am imagining allthese scenarios in my head where
(05:24):
you come to this realizationthat how you, how you behave in
the world really has to change.
And what you need to do toprotect yourself necessitates
changing how you relate toeveryone.
And I'm not,, I don't know ifthat happened all at once or it
was the sort of peeling back ofthe layers of realizing, Oh, I'm
doing it here.
Oh, I'm doing it here.
(05:45):
Oh, I, it's everywhere.
Oh my goodness.
Tina (05:48):
Yeah, yeah, it is, it is a little bit at a time.
And the same goes for theshifting of the people in your
life because when I talk topeople about boundaries, I
always say a lot of people areafraid to set boundaries because
they're afraid of losing friendsand losing loved ones.
And I'm like, if that person.
That's meant to be in your life.
They're going to be in yourlife.
(06:08):
And if they're not, it's notgoing to be like this big
devastating final ending.
It's going to shift over timeand it fades out.
So people fade in and peoplefade out.
And the people that truly, trulylove you and care about you
aren't going to get upset whenyou set boundaries.
And what happens when you're apeople pleaser is you
(06:28):
automatically attract Some ofthe worst kind of people that
now that doesn't mean if you'rea people pleaser, everybody
around you is bad.
It just means that it does tendto attract somebody who's like a
narcissistic personality.
And so those are the people thatare going to get really kind of
pissed off when you start togrow, grow a backbone and start
(06:49):
to send, set those boundaries toprotect your own wellbeing.
And so, it really does.
it sounds scary when you talkabout it, but in the long run,
it is absolutely beautifulbecause you, you know, the
people that are meant to be,, inyour surrounding, the people
that are there to build you upand support you and that you're
(07:10):
good friends.
And then, the people who reallyweren't a good friend and it
doesn't mean that you might notever talk to them again, but it
does mean that you're going tolimit.
Um, and protect yourself.
And so the setting of thoseboundaries is the key thing.
And you know, I can't say itenough.
Boundaries are the foundation toall that deep level self care
(07:34):
and your self worth.
it just really is.
Like you can't, you could do allthese different other self care
practices and all these otherthings to help, help yourself
improve that love that you havefor yourself.
But if you don't have strongboundaries, it's, it's going to
be like this constant battle.
So setting those boundaries tosupport yourself are, is just so
(07:56):
important.
It's like the foundation.
Aimee (07:59):
It's, it's that it reminds me very much of that
analogy of Using a pail to throwwater out of a sinking ship,
right?
You can do everything thatexternally, right?
But if you continue to allowpeople to overstep, your
(08:22):
boundaries, if if you are awareof what they are, or take your
time from you for their needsand not yours, because you
aren't advocating for your ownneeds.
Then you're left in a perpetualdeficit that you're always
scrambling to, to try andmitigate.
Tina (08:41):
Mm hmm.
That's a perfect example.
Aimee (08:44):
Yeah, you can't really ever get ahead in that
situation.
Tina (08:48):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, and, and as you mentioned,you know, sometimes it can be
really hard to figure out whereyou need to set boundaries
because people might be like,yeah, I think I need to set
boundaries.
I'm,, I'm constantly, doing allthese things for others.
And so there's certain likequestions.
That you can ask yourself andthere's certain the first step
(09:08):
to anything is always awareness,right?
And so there's certain questionsyou can ask yourself and certain
behaviors you can keep your eyeout for in yourself to first
become aware of whether you needto set a boundary or not.
And so, some of the things Isee.
from almost all people that needboundaries is they say things
like, nobody appreciates me.
You know, everybody always walksall over me, right?
(09:31):
And, and setting boundaries islike the strongest way you can
call yourself out.
It really is, right?
Because you're in that victimmode a little bit.
And so it's, it's like,everybody walks all over me and
nobody appreciates me.
I do all this stuff and nobodyeven sees it above, You find if
you find yourself saying that alot and especially with certain
people, then that's a clue thatyou might need to set a
(09:53):
boundary, right?
And then another thing is if youfind yourself like softening
your personality or yourbehavior or restricting your
personality behavior in front ofcertain people in order to avoid
some kind of a crisis, it couldbe like somebody else's outburst
or some kind of judgment orsomething like that.
Yeah.
(10:14):
Then that might be a place thatyou need to set a boundary and
make a shift, right?
Um, and I always say there's aquote I can't remember who said
it, but you should never have tolight yourself on fire to keep
somebody else warm and it's It'sthe it's the perfect example.
I can't remember who said it,but it's so graphic
Aimee (10:31):
but something that graphic is needed in this
situation because I don't thinkwe It is so subtle and and so
accepted right, There'sparticularly among women, you
know, to be that people pleaserthat I think we don't often
fully realize the extent towhich it is self harm
Tina (10:52):
to
Aimee (10:52):
perpetually be in that position where you are
sacrificing yourself foreverybody else's needs and
wants.
And oftentimes it's notextracting from you.
It's, their whims and theirdesires because they know
you're, you're up to task to doit.
Tina (11:10):
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
And, and another thing that is,is really difficult for, I find
with a lot of women is, havingthem support their own
boundaries.
So like everybody is completelydifferent, right?
So everybody has a certainamount of stress they can take
until they break.
(11:30):
Everybody has a certain amountof, uh, uncomfortable situations
that they can take before theyend up, you know, with,
disabling anxiety, you know,everybody is different.
So my boundary might lookdifferent than your boundary.
And, when somebody, if you'rearound a person, Who doesn't
want you to set a boundarybecause it takes away from their
(11:52):
experience, then they're goingto question the boundary and
they're going to make youquestion yourself.
And so they'll, they'll be like,that's a ridiculous boundary.
how, how could you, how couldyou do that?
How could you say that orwhatever, whatever the challenge
might be, but you have to knowwhat's good for you and how much
you could take.
What I can take might not be asmuch as the person over there
(12:13):
can take.
It might just,, maybe I'm, maybeI'm soft, you know, maybe I, I
tend towards stress and anxiety,which I do.
Right.
So I know how I feel in my body.
And so setting these boundariesis almost like learning to trust
yourself and how you feel again,because you really have to like
tune in to how your body feels.
(12:36):
And it tells you when somethingdoesn't feel right, right?
And sometimes boundaries shift.
So when you go through a healingperiod, and you start to reduce
your stress, you start to setboundaries, you have more
tolerance for certain things,and you might not need to like
set boundaries as strong as theyare to protect your energy.
(12:56):
so say yeah, even as somethinglike a boundary with yourself or
something is like, you know,when I go to a party, I can go
to a party for two hours andhave a really good time.
But after that party, I'm spent,like I'm spent.
So don't plan an activity aftera party.
Or, if you have to, like, if youhave a meeting with a person, or
(13:18):
sometimes, if I have a difficultclient, it could really, really
suck the life out of me.
I love my clients, but I take ontheir emotions, right?
And I know this about myself.
So.
I respect the boundary I set isI'm going to create space after
that client so that I could dosome breath work or go for a run
or go for a walk to release theenergy because I'm, I'm taking
(13:41):
on their emotions.
And so I know this about myself.
No, not everybody's like that.
Right.
But I am.
And so I don't take on as manyclients just to protect my
energy and my wellbeing.
Right.
So boundaries aren't just aboutlike, You know, uh, trying to
get somebody else to behave acertain way for yourself.
It's about protecting the energyaround you,, and I think one of
(14:05):
the hardest concepts to likekind of absorb is that when it
comes to boundaries, it's 100percent your responsibility.
It's not anybody else'sresponsibility to respect.
I'm using quote marks right now.
Respect your boundary.
It's not about like, I set aboundary and they didn't listen
(14:26):
to me and that's it.
They, they don't respect me.
And it's not about that becauseif a person cares about you,
they're going to figure out thatyou want to change a certain
behavior and it doesn't happen.
Instantaneously, when you set aboundary, most people are so
focused on themselves thatthey're not doing this on
purpose to you.
They don't mean you harm.
(14:47):
And so part of setting, I alwayssay setting and maintaining
about boundaries, part of thatsetting is maintaining it.
Like part of the, it's acomplete process.
If you don't maintain it,there's no boundary.
and so, so it's like you have togo through the continuous
process of saying, listen, youknow, when you do this, it, it,
(15:09):
this is how it makes me feel.
And I just want to share thatwith you.
And, if you keep doing this,then I'm not going to be able to
continue this conversation orwhatever, and there's ways to do
it where you don't sound likeyou're like put laying the law
down or something like this.
You're really sharing with theperson that.
You might not be trying to makeme feel this way, but this is
how this is the experience I'mhaving.
(15:30):
And so I, this is what I'm goingto do every time you do that.
And, and then when I do it, thenyou have to maintain it by
reminding them, this is what I'mgoing to do now, because, you
know, this doesn't work for me.
And there's, there's Boundariesthat you set, in your business.
So I always, I always use thisexample because it was, it was a
(15:51):
hard lesson for me, to learn.
So I used to sell real estate,and I was a single mom with
three kids, and so if I If Ilike with real estate, you only
make money when you're sellingsomething, you don't have a
salary or anything like that.
And so it's really hard tocontain yourself and take time
off.
And so one of the boundariesthat I set with my clients and
(16:14):
with myself is that after, Idon't remember what time it was,
but after six o'clock, I'm notgoing to be taking any calls and
I will turn the call the nextday.
And the only time.
that wasn't the case was if Iwas in the middle of a
negotiation because you can't dothat when you're negotiating,
right?
So that was the recording on myphone when people called me,
(16:34):
right?
And you know, you know, whenyour cell phone rings, you could
see who's calling you and you'relike, it's so difficult to like
not answer the phone when you,if it's a client or something
like that, because you're soafraid of losing that client.
But,, I set that boundary sothat I had time with my family,
so, uh, it wasn't just aboutother people respecting my
boundary.
(16:54):
It was about me respecting myboundary.
And the second I answer thatphone, I'm not respecting my own
boundary and there's no boundaryanymore.
and we
Aimee (17:03):
teach others how to treat us.
Exactly.
And when we've been doing it oneway for so long, it often does
take repetition and consistencyto teach them to treat us
differently and to treatourselves differently as well.
Yeah.
Because that, that again, likewhen you set a boundary for
(17:24):
yourself and you violate thatboundary you have created for
yourself, nobody's going toknow, but you, exactly.
Exactly.
And if you don't, like, I thinkif you don't value and respect
yourself enough at the onset,you can effectively become as
(17:45):
harmful to yourself as someoneelse could be to you because,
again, you're not respectingyour own boundaries that you're
setting for yourself with verygood intention to get your life
to a place you want it to be.
And that's, do you have anywords of wisdom?
(18:06):
Anything that you can share inthat area of, of developing
that, that resiliency withyourself, right?
Because again, nobody's watchingyou.
And I mean, I think, I think inyour situation, it was such a
severe wake up call that Iimagine as soon as, I am
(18:28):
imagining this, but I don't knowthat to be true, that as soon as
you were realizing there was aboundary that needed to be made.
And what that boundary was, youwere making it and holding to it
because the consequences but I,you know, I don't know that.
And I'm certain you've workedwith people who haven't had such
a severe wake up call andstruggle with maintaining the
(18:48):
boundaries that they're settingfor themselves.
Would you have any.
Any, any advice or pearls ofwisdom that you could share?
Tina (18:57):
Well, it all, it really, there's so many different topics
that kind of relate to eachother.
So you have the boundaries, youhave, that connection with
yourself, almost like that, thatgut intuition, and then you have
your self worth and your selflove and they're all like
connected in that way.
And I would say, I would agreewith you that when you don't
respect your own boundaries withyourself.
(19:19):
it could be as harmful.
I would go even further and sayit's almost more harmful because
your relationship with yourselfis the most important
relationship that you can have.
And reminding yourself of thatis like the first step to even
before you even set thoseboundaries with the other
people, you have to have respectfor your own time and your,
(19:40):
your, your health.
And so it's about.
It's about the process ofcontinuously.
It's almost changing a limitingbelief.
It's like this continuousprocess.
So like you've had this, thisbehavior.
So it's almost like a riverthat's been flowing in a certain
direction for a long time.
And it makes, it creates thatgroove and it's over there.
(20:00):
and then you're trying to changethat behavior and to make it go
into a more positive direction.
It's going to take a little timeto create that groove.
And so I feel like the.
One of the first things that youhave to realize is that you have
to be kind to yourself whenyou're trying to set these
boundaries, because if you'redoing it in a way where you're
like, I did it again, you know,I wasn't able to do it.
(20:21):
It's more about looking at whathappened.
And then you saying to yourself,okay, What did I learn here?
You know, because it's going topop up in all these different
situations, like so manydifferent situations, right?
So what did I learn here?
And what's the shift I need tomake in order to move forward
and have better success than thenext time?
(20:43):
And.
The kindness part is like sohuge, you know, and there's
going to be so many.
I don't like using the wordfailure because people have
defined it in such a negativeway, but you don't have success
without failure.
And so the more times you fail,the better, so the more times
you fail setting boundaries withyourself and with others, the
(21:05):
more you're going to learn aboutyourself and other people.
And the more you'll move, you'llmove faster towards success.
If you do that, and so I thinkthe biggest thing there's no
secret thing that you can do.
I think the most important thingis to be kind to yourself and
make it a point to reflect everytime you think that It didn't go
(21:29):
the way it was supposed to, oryou have a failure, you know,
exactly what can I dodifferently?
How can I shift?
How can I make this easier formyself to move through?
You know, using a verysimplistic example of the, the
phone call, so like I get aphone call from a client and I,
I'm not in the middle of a dealwith them, but.
(21:49):
I knew they were getting readyto write an offer or something
like that.
And they call me, it's 7 30 atnight.
And Oh my God, I didn't closeany deals this month yet.
So what do I do?
I answer the phone and I'm like,okay, well, how could I, how
could I make that boundary workbetter?
So what I could do is.
I'm working closely with thisclient.
I know they're going to write anoffer soon.
(22:10):
Tell them, I have a policy.
I don't answer the phone aftersix o'clock at night.
If you need anything, make sureyou call me before six o'clock
at night.
Otherwise I'm not going to beable to talk to you till the
next morning.
And so you're just looking athow can I make that work better
for myself?
So it's not as painful.
Now that person knows that ifyou don't answer the phone, it's
not that you don't want to writethe offer for them.
(22:33):
That's your boundary and theywere people respect that,
Aimee (22:36):
and they often admire it.
I think particularly with workboundaries have become so non
existent in so many differentareas.
That's someone who's willing tomaintain some is, you know,
maybe they're not Depending onthe personality, maybe they're
(22:58):
not, necessarily admired for it,but they will be respected,
whether a coworker agrees withyour boundary or thinks it's
okay or not okay or castjudgment or doesn't, on some
level, they will respect you forstanding up for yourself.
Tina (23:15):
Yeah, and like using the same example, moving into a
negotiation process with aclient who knows that you have
boundaries isn't going to try towalk all over you during the
process because, and they'rethere, they know that other
people aren't going to walk allover you either.
You know, and so they know thatyou're the person for the job.
And so there's just so manybenefits to setting boundaries.
(23:35):
Now going into the workplace, itcould be really, I've worked
with people trying to setboundaries in the workplace.
And it's really, really hardwhen you, like I was employed by
myself.
So nobody's going to fire me,you know?
So setting boundaries with atough boss.
Is really difficult.
And it's almost like, you know,so like say you're being
overworked and you're beinghandled all these projects and
(23:57):
then you're like, you can't evenget it done in a 50 hour work
week, let alone a 40 hour workweek.
And this guy, this person comesup to you and says, here's
another project.
And it's like, how are yousupposed to handle that?
And it's like, well, you couldsay something like, Oh, Which
one of these projects is yourpriority because I want to give
(24:17):
you my best work.
So if you're giving me this asyour priority, then I'm going to
have to, put this project so andso project on hold in order to
get this done for you, because Iwant to give you my best work.
So it's not like saying, no, Ican't do this.
It's saying, well, if you wantme to do this, then I have to
let go of something over here.
And so there's like, It's almostlike the all these little micro
(24:39):
conversations that you have tohave with a person in order to
get it across without saying,screw you, I'm done, like, you
know, and sometimes there's noresolution, and it's about
finding a different job, and soI would say those are very
difficult boundaries to set,personal relationships also
obvious for obvious reasons.
(25:00):
Emotional reasons are sodifficult to set boundaries with
people, especially with,children and parents.
I had trouble setting boundarieswith my children, but, I
Especially when I was a singlemom because you're always like
in this position of almostfeeling like they're being
shortchanged because they don'thave both parents in the
(25:20):
household and you feel like, Idon't know, feeling sorry for
them is the right wording forit, but you almost feel like you
have to overcompensate as asingle parent.
So it was really hard for me toset boundaries with my kids and
saying no to things and I waslucky enough to have really
great kids that didn't takeadvantage of that.
But it is difficult to do and itcould be a real struggle, but
(25:44):
there's, there's steps that youcan take to get comfortable in
the process, and I always tellpeople, make a list, you know,
like the awareness is the firstthing.
So those questions that I talkedabout at the beginning, and it's
like, take note of thosesituations and those people and
then notice the pattern.
So I noticed that with thisfriend of mine, like she always
does this over and over and overand over again.
(26:06):
That's a pattern.
That's where you need to set aboundary.
If it only happens once and thenit never happens again, you
know, I wouldn't even beconcerned about it.
But if it's something that'scontinuous and you might know,
like off the top of your head,Yeah, I know who I need to set a
boundary with, right?
Yeah.
I'm sure there
Aimee (26:21):
are plenty of listeners who are already like, Oh
Tina (26:23):
yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so it's like, I would make alist.
I'm a list person.
Not everybody's a list person,but I would make a list and you
could do it in a couple ofdifferent ways.
If you've never set a boundaryand you're really nervous about
it, you could start really,really small with a very easy
one.
And.
(26:44):
I would go as far, because I didthis, as coming up with a
script, write it out.
what are you going to say tothat person?
And if you know the personreally well, what are they going
to say back?
And how are you going to handleit?
How are you going to moveforward, right?
And practicing that, practicingthat script in the mirror, or
even with another person whosupports you, support you is the
(27:05):
key word.
Yeah.
And getting comfortable withsaying it to yourself before you
say it to someone else.
I was so.
I was so beaten down that it wasso hard for me to set
boundaries.
So hard.
And once I started settingboundaries with that person I
was in a relationship with, theydid not like that.
(27:29):
At all, you know, and and itactually brought an easier end
to the relationship than if Ihad to, if I just cut it off
completely, like, at that point,because they were the type of
person that you attract whenyou're a people pleaser that
like to take advantage of thatand about heat.
If he wasn't going to get thatfrom me, he was going to go find
(27:50):
that somewhere else.
and so then that brought therelationship to an end.
And so it doesn't have to bethis big, huge, dramatic.
like experience or ending.
And so, just taking those babysteps, or if you're very
uncomfortable and you have alittle bit of confidence in
yourself, and you're like this,this boundary right here is the
(28:11):
one that's going to make me feelso much better.
If I set that one first, even ifit's a big one or a hard one,
But still do the script,practice the script, practice
the different scenarios,practice how you're going to
manage your emotions when you gothrough it.
How are you going to not yell?
if the other person's like ayeller and that maybe that's
even part of the boundary, howare you not going to yell back?
(28:33):
You're like, and I always tellpeople it's um I always tell
people it's perfectlyacceptable.
To do what feels best for you.
And if you need to end theconversation and say something
like, listen, I just need alittle space right now.
Can we like talk again aboutthis later?
You know, even if that person isin a fit of rage, like, and then
(28:54):
say, I need to, I need to removemyself from this situation.
And I will talk later and justremove yourself from the
situation and whatever feelsright for you is acceptable
because you Are the person whomakes the rules for you, not
society, not this other person,not, the way you were trained as
(29:15):
a child.
And I say trained because womenare trained to be very
submissive and very peoplepleasing.
and so like it's about reallygetting to know yourself and how
you feel in your body and, andthen also being honest at the
same time, not taking advantageof boundaries, using it to just
(29:35):
like block people out that, soyou don't have to deal with an
uncomfortable situation thatshould be dealt with.
You know,
Aimee (29:41):
that's, that's an excellent point because we do,
we are in the middle of a, youknow, what we call cancel
culture where, uh, The standardpractice these days seems to be
to just cut someone off ratherthan give yourself and that
other person their respect anddignity of, letting them know
(30:02):
why.
Tina (30:03):
So,
Aimee (30:04):
I, I appreciate you, you mentioning that.
Something else that also came upfor me when you were talking
about leaving was, um, you know,getting out of a situation if
someone won't respect yourboundaries.
Thank you.
Is that that can literally mean.
Hanging up on them, getting inyour car and driving away if you
(30:26):
have to, right?
When you need to get out of asituation to recollect yourself,
right?
To get regrounded.
I know for myself, one of thethings that I struggled with,
when I was learning boundarieswas that if someone, if I was in
an argument with someone.
And they were starting todominate, I, I would disappear.
(30:50):
I would like, you know,completely, almost like go out
of my body and disappear.
And then it was whatever theyneeded to calm down so that I
could feel safe again.
Tina (31:00):
Right.
Aimee (31:01):
And when I started getting that kind of that
internal, that internal voicewas getting a little bit louder
and I was more connected tomyself and I was ready to change
that situation.
I had to physically, I mean thiswas back when you didn't hang up
the, well you hung up the phoneand then left the, left the
(31:21):
receiver.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Way back in the day.
Um, you know, leave the phoneoff the hook and, you know, get
in my car and physically leavethe premises because I, I could
not stand up for myself if Iwasn't connected to myself.
Tina (31:39):
Mm hmm.
Aimee (31:40):
And I couldn't continue the conversation in the manner
that I needed to if I was, youknow, if I was.
In that high level of reactivemode, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
To come back to myself.
Tina (31:53):
Yeah, it's so important.
Yeah.
And talking about like thecancel culture thing again to
also, yeah, it's like some time,as soon as you start making
assumptions about someone else'sbehavior, you're in trouble,
right?
Because you, you don't know.
And you can't like, you know,like, when going back to the
comment, um, nobody appreciatesme, everyone walks all over you.
(32:14):
Probably not true.
Probably not true because it'sjust you not creating the
boundary and people are humannature is to like, okay, well,
she does this all the time.
So it's okay.
You know, it's human nature.
It's not that they don't likeyou or they don't appreciate
you.
And so if we are assumingsomeone's behaving a certain way
for a certain reason, Then we'realready losing.
(32:36):
So it's more instead of justlike canceling them out.
It's about having theconversation with them.
even a person that's beingsomewhat, um, I'm not saying to
stay around an abuser, but aperson that's yelling and, um,
losing control of their emotionsin that way.
They might be in a lot of pain.
(32:57):
And if, if you can show that youcan have a conversation with
them in a calm matter, theymight reflect that back to you.
Now, if that doesn't, if thatdoesn't happen, then yeah, of
course, remove yourself from thesituation, but you might,
Connect on a deeper level inthat relationship, you know, and
if you're just going to likewalk away from it because you're
uncomfortable, I, I, I reallyit's like every situation is
(33:20):
different.
And I feel like I'm walking onlike thin ice here because, if
you're in a domestic violencesituation, then you need to like
get help in that situation.
So I'm not really talking aboutthat.
I'm talking about it.
the person that you are, you'reclose with who might be having a
situation might be having somekind of a, they might need help,
(33:41):
and so not to, completely writeit off, try to have the
difficult conversation.
Don't shy away from thedifficult conversation.
I know it's so icky and it canmake your skin crawl, but they
can be so powerful sometimes andbring you closer to a good
friend.
Instead of losing a good friend,you know, so it's a, every
(34:02):
situation is different and youhave to be able once again to
connect into your body and knowwhat's right for you in that
moment.
And if it's walking away, ifit's going into another room, if
it's hanging up the phone,whatever it is, or if it's
trying to in a calm voice,continue the conversation, then
(34:22):
that's.
that's what you should try todo.
So I, I would encourage peopleto, not always make assumptions
about other people and howthey're feeling until you've
actually asked them to expressthat to you.
Aimee (34:34):
Yeah, exactly.
Have them explicitly state toyou what is, what is going on
for them.
If you feel like, if you feellike you can like say, this is
what I'm perceiving from you,right?
This is taking this assumption,but I, I want to check that
assumption.
Is this true?
Yeah.
(34:54):
I think those, like thoseconversations are so terrifying.
Honesty is, honesty is terriblyscary, but, um, you know, every
time, every time that I've beenhonest.
Even when I feel like I'm goingto puke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(35:17):
It's always, it's always beenthe best thing that I possibly
could have done.
And what you said, like whatyou've said about making
friendships closer, you know,it's true that the depth of, of
friendship and.
love that happens when you canshow up honestly and just be
(35:39):
like, this is who I am.
This is how I feel.
And they receive that.
And they accept that the levelof trust that's developed is so
deep.
And that person in seeing youdoing it is also more willing
and more likely to go a layerdeeper with you.
Right?
Tina (35:58):
Exactly.
Somebody has to take the firststep.
Aimee (36:00):
Yeah.
And we're all terrified.
We're all terrified to take thefirst step.
Tina (36:06):
Absolutely.
Where everybody, I always saythere's always magic on the
other side of discomfort.
And like you said, anytime I'mscared to do something, I look
at it and I'm like, it'sprobably exactly what I'm
supposed to do.
It's, almost always, I'm nottelling people to jump, go pet
the line, you know, but it's,you know, like for example, when
I first started my podcast, Idid, uh, like, solo shows only.
(36:28):
And I Terrified to do guestepisodes, absolutely terrified
because, I was a littleintimidated by the technology
and I didn't want to embarrassmyself and I wanted to, remain
professional.
And so it took me a while.
And so I eased myself into it byhaving people I know on first,
to make it easy, but I knew thatthat was the one step I needed
(36:50):
to take.
To grow, even though it wasterrifying to me.
and it's, like I said, there'salways magic on the other side,
the amount of amazing people,like I met you, obviously,
right?
The amount of amazing people Iget to talk to and meet and I've
made friends, so it's like, I'mlike, it's amazing.
So, and if I just remained Likescared and in that place, I
(37:12):
would have never met all ofthese amazing people and, had
different opportunitiespresented to me.
And so I always, whenever I, Ifeel that fear, I'm always like,
Oh, I'm so scared to dosomething.
And I I recently said thissomewhere else.
I don't even remember where Isaid this, but it's kind of like
when you have to.
(37:34):
Jump in the pool and the pool iscold and, there's the people and
I'm one of these people so I'mnot like coming down hard on you
or anything, but you know, youstick your foot in and then you
ease yourself in and then you'regetting trying to get
comfortable and it's liketorture.
It's like slow torture and thenwhen you get to the belly part,
it's like freezing and you'relike, oh my God, and then
(37:54):
dipping your head under is likethe worst part when I know for a
fact that I could just jump in.
Really fast.
And within like a minute, I'mgoing to acclimate to the water.
And then I, you know, I rememberdoing this when I was a kid,
like swimming at night, then youget you're in the water and
actually you get comfortablewith the temperature of the
water.
And then when you come out ofthe water, It's cold and the
(38:17):
water feels warm.
So it's, it's like such aperfect metaphor because once
you make that big step and yougrow, you become comfort, you
become comfortable in thatexpanded position.
And that's what it's all about,right?
Isn't that what life's all aboutis about growing and trying new
things and moving forward.
And so, fear is always like asign that a sign of something,
(38:41):
you know what I mean?
It's a sign of something and itcould be like I said, magic on
the other side and, taking thosesteps, even when it comes to
being, like I talked about how Iwas a people pleaser with my
friends where I just was, I justmorphed my personality into, uh,
what I thought they liked.
(39:02):
Right.
And so one of the things Inoticed that was like an aha
moment for me when I started,showing up as myself, was that
all my friends were so differentthat if I put them all in a
room, they probably wouldn't getalong.
And, and it's because I wasn'tattracting people that were like
me.
It was because I was morphing.
Myself into what they were.
(39:23):
It was such a like weirdrealization.
I had
Aimee (39:27):
that moment And and yeah, when I realized like I said like
I was segregating my parties andmy yes and I was like I was
scared to have them all cometogether because What would they
think of each other?
And then what would they thinkof me if I wouldn't they knew I
was friends with that person,right?
And then exactly.
Yes so much drama in my head You
Tina (39:49):
Yeah.
And it's, it's so much energythat you're wasting just by not
being yourself, not showing up ahundred percent authentic, like
uncensored version of yourself.
Right.
And you, you're really, that'sreally what your purpose is
here.
Like you're supposed to,, youwere born here.
There's nobody else like you.
In this time period, like you'recompletely unique.
(40:11):
Why would you not show up asyourself?
Like I spent so much of my lifenot showing up as myself.
I just feel like, I was meant tolearn this lesson.
So to share it with otherpeople, cause otherwise what a
waste it would be.
And so when you have a friendthat seems so different from you
and you show up a certain way,In order to be accepted by that
person.
(40:31):
Or you think if I show up asmyself, they're not going to
like me anymore.
Try it out.
Like, so I love this example.
So say that you're like insideyour closet, spiritual person,
like you're super woo, woo, andyou're like, Oh, the, the, the
crystals and stuff.
And you like the tarot cards andyou love talking to psychics and
(40:54):
stuff like that.
But you have this reallyconservative friend that you've
been good friends with for 20years and they think that stuff
is just all a bunch of BS.
At least that's your assumption,right?
But then one day you have thecourage to talk about an
experience you had and then theysay back to you Oh my god, I
love that I love reading myhoroscope or I look, you know,
(41:15):
whatever.
And then, and then think aboutit.
You don't lose a friend and thenyou have this deeper connection
with them where you get to sharethis whole other side of
yourself with them.
So why not just show up likethat in the first place, and it
might not turn out that way.
They could look at you and belike, whatever.
Okay.
But then keep showing up thatway.
(41:35):
Maybe they'll embrace it.
Maybe they won't.
But the, the point is, don't youwant to surround yourself with
the type of people who are meantto be around you, right?
And not like some kind ofchoreographed, life that isn't
really honest, you know,
Aimee (41:51):
awesome.
I feel like I need, I neededthat today.
You know, I, this, this podcastis still new and, uh, it took
me, I think I, I first thoughtabout doing a podcast, I want to
say it was probably 2019.
So it took me a hot minute toactually like drive up the
(42:13):
ovarian juice necessary to hit.
Tina (42:16):
Yeah.
It's hard.
It is.
Aimee (42:19):
And I knew because I knew if I was going to do this, I
really needed to do it from aplace of being authentic and
being real with all of myblasphemous, scandalous
opinions.
And, it was a really long timebefore, before I felt like, I
(42:41):
could do that and be strongenough to handle whatever came
back at me by doing it.
Yeah.
And, and you know, now that I'ma couple months in, I, I'm
catching myself starting tocensor myself again.
Mm hmm.
So, I really appreciate youshowing up and reminding me not
(43:02):
to do that.
Tina (43:04):
It's a continuous process, like, I have to continuously
remind myself to do things likethat.
and I think it's just, it's,it's a part of being human, you
know what I mean?
But the more that you can callyourself, it's so much easier to
just show up as yourself.
It's so much less work, likeyou, it's part of, you know,
like what I do is like helppeople reduce stress and
(43:24):
anxiety, overwhelm and burnout.
Right.
That's like my main goal is tohelp people avoid what I went
through.
And when you reduce the amountof energy you're putting towards
being inauthentic or whateveryou want to call it.
you have, you just feel morerelaxed, there's less stress,
it's just so much better.
And it's, it's a hard shift tomake and it's a gradual shift
(43:46):
and it's a lifetime process,just like everything is,, your
health, right.
Eating, nutrition, physicalexercise, everything is a
lifetime process that you haveto continuously work on.
So that's part of it.
Aimee (43:59):
Definitely.
Is there a question that Ihaven't asked you that you wish
I had asked you?
Tina (44:06):
Not really.
I think this was a really greatconversation about boundaries.
You know, I got to really likeexpress myself fully.
So thank you for that.
I appreciate that.
I'm so passionate about it.
Aimee (44:17):
My pleasure.
I'm really grateful that you hadso many wonderful suggestions
and examples for listeners,because I think for those who
are, you know, In that placewhere they know that something
needs to be done, and they arenot really sure how to start
about it, how to go and do that,having those examples and those
ideas for them to begin thatprocess is so, so helpful
(44:39):
because clear boundaries are notWell modeled.
Tina (44:45):
Yeah.
No, especially for women.
Like you said, it's, it'sreally, it's really hard.
And some of the people I workwith are in their sixties and
their seventies, you know?
And so it's like, it's never toolate to start the process.
I started in my forties, youknow what I mean?
So,
Aimee (45:01):
yeah, it is never too late.
And, and it doesn't, it, yeah,it does not matter.
Doesn't matter how old you are.
If you're still alive, you haveopportunities for better
friendships, for betterrelationships, for a better life
for yourself, as long as you'rebreathing.
Yeah.
That opportunity exists.
Tina (45:19):
Yeah.
And the world needs that versionof you.
Like that's why you're here.
We
Aimee (45:24):
do need, we do need our elders to be kicking some ass.
That's for sure.
Oh my
Tina (45:28):
God.
Yes, we do.
We need them right now.
We
Aimee (45:33):
do.
Someone's got to get these youngpeople into shape.
Tina (45:37):
Yeah.
Yup.
Yup.
They need this, all the supportthey can get.
It's a tough world right now.
For
Aimee (45:41):
sure.
For sure.
What is the biggest takeawaythat you hope listeners get from
our conversation today?
Tina (45:49):
I really, I really hope that they start to examine and
just become aware of where theymight need to set a boundary and
that they, remember to always bekind with themselves as they're
moving through the process,taking those baby steps, just
remember to be really kind withyourself.
Aimee (46:08):
Thank you so much, Tina.
Tina (46:10):
Thank you for having me.
It was great.
Aimee (46:12):
I've got one last question for you, though.
I'm not letting you off the hookyet.
Tina (46:16):
Uh oh.
Okay.
Aimee (46:18):
What is one thing about you that others would find
blasphemous?
Tina (46:24):
Oh, oh, I got a good one.
I really don't that I am agarlic farmer.
Really?
Yes.
I'm a, I'm very new at it, but Idid know I have a garlic farm
and an herbal farm like I growherbs and stuff like that.
And yeah, this year I have, uh,a thousand.
(46:46):
bulbs planted.
And my son is partnering up withme because I did it.
I did 400 last year and boy, wasthat a lot of work.
so he's partnering up with methis year.
Yeah.
So I'm the garlic queen.
Aimee (46:58):
I have so many, I have so many questions.
So I, my undergraduate.
Biochemistry professor wouldhave such a wonderful time
talking with you.
Tina (47:12):
Yeah,
Aimee (47:12):
she did.
She did research on multiple ongarlic.
And, yeah, she was absolutelyenamored with garlic as, as one
should be
Tina (47:22):
Yes.
I absolutely, I love garlic andit's, it's so healing and it
adds so much flavor.
It's so powerful.
Yeah, and then I, got into theherbs too.
so I make my skincare out of myherbs.
herbs add a lot of, as, youknow, nutrition into your diet.
And so they're so powerful, sobeautiful, and garlic is so easy
(47:43):
to grow.
I would encourage everyone totry to grow garlic at some
point.
Just make sure you're alwaysusing organic when you're
growing it.
But yeah, it's so easy to grow.
It's so rewarding.
It's amazing.
I find it amazing that you putone clove of garlic in the
ground and then in one seasonyou have this whole bulb.
Like I'm always amazed by seeds.
Like I, I'm fascinated.
(48:05):
So I'm definitely a hobby farmerthat I love it.
But this year I'm actually goingto the farmer's market and
selling my stuff.
So I was
Aimee (48:13):
going to say a thousand bulbs of garlic seems a little,
a little aggressive for a hobby.
Tina (48:18):
Yes.
Yeah.
So we make the garlic braids,those beautiful braids and I
make these, balls out of like,so a lot, not everybody wants.
10 to 12 bulbs of garlic, likenot everybody's like me, like a
crazy garlic person, but so Imake these little bulbs and then
I decorate them with some of theflowers that I grow on the farm.
So I grow like straw flowersthat are like dried flowers
(48:40):
already dried and just makethese beautiful creations.
So yeah, I, I really enjoy itand it's so peaceful being out
in my garden.
I love doing it.
That's fantastic.
Aimee (48:51):
Thank you so much for sharing that about yourself.
That's awesome.
Tina (48:54):
Sure.
Yeah, I love it.
Sure.
Aimee (48:57):
Well, Tina, I'm so glad to have had you on and I'm gonna
figure out a reason to have youback because I really appreciate
all of the wisdom and thetangible, actionable steps that
you've offered our listenerstoday.
And I'm certain that they wouldbenefit from hearing more.
Tina (49:13):
Oh, I would love to come back.
I enjoy talking to you too.
Aimee (49:17):
All right.
Take care.
Tina (49:19):
Bye.
If you have found some Nuggetsof Wisdom, make sure to
subscribe, rate, and shareBlasphemous Nutrition with those
you care about.
As you navigate the labyrinth ofhealth advice out there,
remember, health is a journey,not a dietary dictatorship.
Stay skeptical, stay daring, andchallenge the norms that no
(49:43):
longer serve you.
If you've got burning questionsor want to share your own flavor
of rebellion, slide into my DMs.
Your stories fuel me, and I lovehearing them.
Thanks again for tuning in toBlasphemous Nutrition.
Until next time, this is Amysigning off, reminding you that
truth is nuanced, and any dishcan be made better with a little
(50:05):
bit of sass.
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