January 13, 2025 • 57 mins
On this episode of the Brainy Moms podcast, we dive into the emotional and practical aspects of parenting teens, focusing on the importance of flexibility, trust, and communication. Dr. Amy and Dr. Jody interview educator, author, and mom of 5 Amy Betters-Midtvedt who highlights the challenges faced by parents as their kids grow, the necessity of establishing boundaries with technology, and the value of teaching effective friendship skills to create healthy social connections.
We discuss being flexible in parenting teenagers, navigating social media and privacy for teens, understanding and coaching friendships among teens, managing household responsibilities collaboratively, creating a bank of trust based on individual needs, and managing the emotions around the transition to an empty nest.
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Brainy Moms is a parenting podcast hosted by cognitive psychologist Dr. Amy Moore. Dr. Amy and her rotating co-hosts bring listeners conversations with experts on topics in parenting, child development, education, psychology, mental health, and neuroscience. Listeners leave with tips and helpful advice for helping moms and kids thrive in life, learning, and relationships. This episode is co-hosted with Dr. Jody Jedlicka.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Amy Moore (00:00):
Hi, smart moms and dads, Welcome to another
episode of the Brainy Momspodcast brought to you today by
LearningRx Brain TrainingCenters.
I'm your host, Dr Amy Moore,and I am joined by Dr Jodi
Jedlicka as my co-host today.
Hi, Jodi, Hi and Dr Jodi and Iare going to interview Amy
Betters-Midvett.
Amy is a Today Parentingcontributing author with more
(00:23):
than a million readers and 25years of experience working with
adolescents and families, inboth her job as a literacy coach
and in her personal liferaising five kids with her
husband, Todd.
So her work has appeared inmany publications like
Huffington Post, ParentsMagazine, your Teen Magazine, as
(00:46):
well as in so God Made a Motherby Leslie Means.
Amy has a master's degree inleadership curriculum and
instruction and is the author ofthe book You'll Make it, and
they Will Too.
Everything no one talks aboutwhen you're parenting teens.
All right, I'm excited for thisconversation.
Let's welcome Amy.
(01:07):
How are you guys?
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (01:10):
Good, how are you Really good?
I'm sorry I'm in this like roomwith the sun in my back.
Dr. Amy Moore (01:16):
I mean I think that one of the secrets to
surviving motherhood isflexibility.
Absolutely surviving motherhoodis flexibility.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (01:24):
Absolutely Surviving motherhood, surviving
life, surviving everything Likehumanity just being a human
person on the planet.
Dr. Amy Moore (01:32):
Yeah, but you know, I used to be a teacher
educator, and so I would teachthese future teachers that
flexibility is the key to sanity.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (01:44):
Absolutely so.
So, oh, so true, I'm workingwith so many just brand new baby
teachers right now, you guys,and that's it right when I'm
just like it's okay.
Another metaphor life.
This is very rarely gonna gothe way you thought it was.
Dr. Amy Moore (01:57):
Yeah, totally.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (01:59):
Learn to accept.
Dr. Amy Moore (02:01):
All right, so I'm reading your book in the dark
this morning over coffee.
I am a brand new empty nester.
Like as of Monday, I'm a brandnew empty nester.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (02:13):
Oh, I'm just doing this.
Dr. Amy Moore (02:14):
Oh, thank you.
Yes, Listeners, Amy's huggingme, Okay.
So I cried, Like I'm'm readingyour book and I'm just
reflecting on, yes, these I havethree boys reflecting on yes,
we did this and years andworking through that and the
(02:46):
connections, and then knowingthat every room is empty right
now and so I feel I'm going tocry.
I feel so raw in that loss thatmy youngest you know, we
launched my youngest on Monday,and so, like I'm going to try
and make it through this withhumor, but I may, shed a couple
(03:08):
tears.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (03:08):
You are allowed to shed the tears.
That is really hard.
That's like a big landmark thatI feel is out there for me
right now.
And I my youngest, is justturning 14 on Tuesday and I know
the speed at you, know thatthis is going to go at, and so
that anticipation of that moment, I feel like I can just relate.
(03:29):
I just feel like I'm one stepbehind you and I can see what
you're feeling and I know it'sexactly what's coming.
And yeah, it's tough.
I am coming at this from atotally different perspective.
I have three adult children.
We need you probably right now.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (03:45):
I don't know that I'm going to be a whole lot
of help, but I rememberplanning to be a puddle and you
know, like planning for that tobe traumatic and feeling so
excited when I was driving away.
But excited for my child Likethis is so exciting what they're
going to be doing.
(04:06):
And the other thing is, once mykids all went to college, I
think they spent more time athome with us than they ever had
in high school, and so I justfelt like they immediately had a
new appreciation for what theywere leaving behind and tried to
come back often.
So I don't know if that helpsor hurts.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (04:25):
I feel like that is.
I actually ended up because Iwas close to the empty.
You know we have five and wehad launched two, three was
going to go, three decided to doa gap year, one and two came
back to commute this year.
So the weird thing is like Iwas the same way, like I'm
pushing toward this empty, andnow everybody's here, all five
of them inexplicably for a year.
But the math is that they'llprobably all leave almost
(04:48):
simultaneously right Within acouple of years.
So, but it is good to have thatperspective, because I forget
that when I think about even Samleaving, I forget oh, that's
right, ellie is actually layingon the couch in the other room
and I'm going to take her to thedoctor this afternoon because
she lives here and she's sickand I still get to take care of
her, and it's not what I thought.
So that coming back is a,you're right, it's true.
We don't realize that andsometimes I still don't
(05:10):
appreciate it because I'm inanticipatory grief.
Dr. Amy Moore (05:13):
Yeah, and I think you know.
My husband said yes, this issad and you can, you know, sit
in that space.
He said but think about theopportunities that all three of
them have met their foreverperson.
They're with their foreverperson and so really, this is
the next chapter in their life,in our life, like I'm going to
(05:33):
have three daughters now.
But it's sad at the same time.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (05:36):
So it's just like the very definition of
bittersweet.
It really is.
Yeah, for sure.
It's kind of like, though, thatyou just don't understand, or
you just don't recognize or knowyet how things are going to be
changing for the better, becausewe just moved into a whole
different place of relationshipwith our kids when they all left
.
So you know, now I'm a grandma,and one of the things that
(06:02):
really struck me when I wasreading your book, amy, was how
you talk about how, when kidsare young.
So our grandkids are betweenfive and nine years old.
They're nine, eight, seven, sixand five.
That's crazy.
Five and nine years old, andthey're all in this stage of
can't stop telling youeverything, like they're just
chatterboxes, and it's just sodelightful, you everything,
(06:26):
they're just chatterboxes, andit's just so delightful.
But I think what makes itdelightful as a grandparent is
that you know it's going tochange, and you know it's going
to change quickly, and one ofthe things I wanted to ask you
is how can I prepare for that,or how can I set the stage so
that I've got enough relationalequity I learned that word from
you, dr Amy Relational equitybuilt up that when they get to
(06:48):
be teenagers or preteens andthey're starting to separate
from that stage of telling youeverything, is there something I
can do to keep thatrelationship going in, at least
as close to it as I can.
I just will miss that.
I really think you're doing it,you're listening right.
(07:11):
You're an enthusiasticparticipant in their lives.
You want to know about them.
Like I look at it, if I look atit through like both a parent
and a grandparent lens, I lookat my you know the grandparents
my kids have that they'veremained very close with and
they all have differentrelationships with different
grandparents, but in particular,one of my daughters and my mom
(07:35):
have a very strong relationshipSomehow.
My dad has pulled off that.
Every kid has told me on theside, I'm Papa's favorite, don't
tell anybody, but I'm Papa'sfavorite.
So he's like, worked some sortof magic there.
We don't know what he wasplanting in their minds, but
it's worked for him.
So you'll have to ask him aboutthat one.
But I do think, like thoselittle rituals too, that you do
like, my mom has taken every kidshopping for their birthday and
(07:57):
for back to school since theywere little and picked out a
back to school gift and that'show they got their birthday and
she has actually layered it ontoChristmas as they got big.
It's just that tradition.
They talk with her.
They've got these rituals androutines that from little on
they start to value so much theolder they get Around 14,.
Maybe you're kind of like oh,remember, this is what you're
doing, and they might even havethat feeling of like, but I was
(08:20):
going to go with my friends or Iwas going to do this other
thing.
That they come back around,it's just like.
It's like just like our kids,right.
But I do think for grandparentsyou are so lucky because you're
leveraging all these fun things, so it's like pure fun, right.
Like we're going back to schoolshopping with mom.
It's like there's some fraughtthings that are happening there,
right, there's more layers thatwe're appealing through to shop
and you're shopping with Momirand you're just like so excited
(08:42):
and Momir's going to let youyou're going to get whatever you
want.
It's going to be great.
We're going to get pretzels andwe're going to go also go to
lunch and, oh, look at, she alsogot me that.
You know what I mean.
It's all those things and thosetalks that come along along the
way.
So I think you're doing it.
It is just I love thatrelational equity and I think
that in that ritual to them, mykids value every like, just the
(09:03):
weird things, the cups they useat their grandparents, that they
still want to be there.
You know I mean all thoselittle pieces are just so
important and nostalgic to themas they get older.
Dr. Amy Moore (09:13):
All right.
Well, let's talk about yourbook First of all.
Let me just ask you so I mean,you've worked with a ton of kids
both in your career and you'veraised five and so like why the
focus on teens?
What made you want to?
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (09:25):
do that.
Well, the original book I waswriting was not at all about
teens that one's still going tocome because I set it aside but
it really was just a multitudeof things.
What I found was, first of all,I have a group of friends
writer friends who really havehelped me in my writing journey,
and they kept asking mequestions about teens.
(09:48):
They're just a little bitbehind me in the parenting
journey and, as I'm, they'relike there's nothing out there,
amy, like can you okay, wait,just stop talking about this.
But can we talk about this?
We need to talk about this.
And we found we're in theseconversations.
They're like this is your book.
And as I looked around I waslike, oh my gosh, this is
(10:10):
exactly where I'm positioned inmy life.
Not only are my kids these ages.
As a literacy coach, as aneducator, I started out in
fourth grade back in the dayright, I was holding hands with
little Sydney on the playgroundat recess.
Such good memories having yourkids.
And I had kind of brought thisjourney.
As an educator.
I had gone through to fifthgrade, sixth grade, I had found
myself in seventh, eighth andnow ninth and tenth grades and I
just realized I love these kids.
(10:32):
I just have this heart for thisteenage awkward crazy walking
down the hallway doing all theweird things but yet also trying
to get in to the story thatyou're reading but also look
cool at the same time, and justall the layers of things this
kid has going on.
And then to have them in myhouse too and to see that flip
side of what we see in educators, what they're presenting to us
(10:55):
in the classroom, and then to beable to see what they're like
at home, which is like stillalso sometimes really little and
battling all these differentthings.
And I just really wanted toserve a parent who are in this
space, especially when I wentthrough my first and you see
this in the book my firstpancake.
I call her.
She threw me for all the loops,like every loop you could throw
(11:19):
a parent for I swear she wasjust like, aiming to like do all
of them and as my firstborn Ireally, when she was little, it
was like this baby will never doanything wrong as long as she
lives.
She is perfection put on theplanet for the world to enjoy,
no pressure on her right, noquestion as to why we might do a
little rebelling, and thendiscovered she was her own
person and parenting.
Teens brought me just to myknees.
I was great with them untilthey were about in fourth and
(11:42):
fifth grade, where that had beenmy jam, and then I was like,
what do I do with these kids?
I have no idea and I so oftenwanted.
I just wanted somebody to giveme something Like I just need a
book here where I can turn andsay somebody survived.
This moment, I just need tohear someone.
Someone else's kid got a tattooin the Walmart parking lot and
their kid did not die and theparenting went forward and
they're also talking to eachother.
(12:02):
I just needed that and so Iwrote it, yeah.
Dr. Amy Moore (12:07):
I love that.
A tattoo in the Walmart parkinglot, in the back of a van,
right In the back of a van.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (12:12):
Just like from a random friend of a friend
.
Dr. Amy Moore (12:15):
Yeah, and I love how you wrote and it looked like
a monkey did it.
It's so bad.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (12:21):
And she would tell you I wish you could
see it.
She's like, yeah, it's terrible, like I need to get this fixed
someday, like I 100% do, but Idon't know what you do with this
situation.
How did you go from firstpancake to knowing something had
to change?
Like I call myself a recoveringfirst pancake because I am the
oldest of four, and yeah you do,and yeah you do.
(12:43):
But how did you come to thatdecision, realization that, like
okay, this is what I thoughtwas going to happen isn't
happening.
Now, what do I do?
Dr. Amy Moore (12:53):
Well, let's first explain to listeners what that
means.
First pancake.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (13:06):
The first pancake is that first you make
your first pancake and you burnit.
And you burn it or it's likesuper doughy, like one side
super light, so you turn theheat up and they flip it and the
other side's burnt and it'sjust like not correct, right?
Your first pancake is kind oflike I put one pancake in,
usually on the griddle first totry to figure out like how is
this going to be right, right,is my batter right?
Is it too thick's a toothache?
And then that pancake is justkind of like a little wonky.
But the rest of the pancakesbenefit from me learning those
(13:28):
moments right.
So my first born isaffectionately called the first
pancake, my poor last born.
They like to tease him by thelast pancake that you have after
everyone's full.
No one wants pancakes.
I know no wonder he has a goodsense of humor.
No one wants pancakes, I knowno wonder he has a good sense of
humor.
So that first pancake was thattraining ground and I will fully
(13:49):
admit it took me way too longto figure out that I was not
doing things correctly right.
I was really felt like I knewwhat I was doing and a lot of
that.
I have wonderful parents andtheir parenting style matched
very well with who I was as ahuman person.
So my thinking was I'll just dothose things and then that will
(14:11):
all work and we will all walkforward in joy.
And somewhere along the way Irealized I birthed a person who
is absolutely very little likeme when it came to a lot of
these things and therefore I hadno tricks.
I was like, okay, but I'm goingto keep doing this, so I'm
going to keep grounding you,like, okay, it didn't work, I'll
(14:35):
ground you for longer.
Maybe if I ground you forlonger still, that'd be great.
Oh, I'm going to lecture you,I'm going to lecture you longer,
I'm going to take more thingsaway.
And all that happened was shewould just keep pushing the
envelope again and later told me, like I knew you were going to
ground me.
I would just think, okay,she'll probably ground me for
two or three weeks.
Is this enough fun to warrantthat three-week grounding?
100% worth being grounded forthree weeks?
And she would go do the thingLike young me never would have
(14:59):
done that in a million years.
Right, that was totally me bythe way.
Dr. Amy Moore (15:02):
Okay, so you can appreciate that I was that
teenager.
You were that teenager.
It's worth it.
I know you're going to take mykeys when I get home at 3 am,
and that's okay.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (15:11):
That's okay, because being at Hotel 3M
is a thousand percent worth it.
Yes, this personality was ashock to my system, you know.
So we really butt heads for solong.
And what was the line in thesand for me was I remember just
like giving her the business andbeing so frustrated and
realizing like at this point,she was not even like coming
(15:34):
home for things, like she justwasn't showing up, she was going
right to her room.
I mean, we were just in suchdisconnect and I remember
looking at her and I could justsee in her eyes, as I was
telling her all the ways she wasliving life wrong.
She just was sad.
I could see it in her eyes.
(15:55):
She was sad and defeated andcouldn't wait to get away from
me.
And I thought this person isnever going to come back to this
house when she leaves.
Because why would she?
I get it, I get.
Why she?
I could get her point right andI just knew that I did not.
I remember when she was littleand we used to give these kisses
.
You know, every time shelaughed it was like Eskimo
(16:21):
butterfly, cheek, cheek.
You know, every time we laughedI thought how do we go from
that to this.
I don't want this.
This is not what I want for myrelationship.
I want to be the place theywant to come back to for their
whole lives, and so I knew itwas me.
It was me and we say that ineducation all the time.
Right, we get frustratedsometimes with what students are
doing.
It's us, we are the ones whohave to make the change so that
(16:42):
they can make the change, and soI knew that in that that that
moment was when I pivoted.
Dr. Amy Moore (16:49):
Yeah, you write.
Sometimes we need to let go ofthe rules and focus on the human
.
We show them that they arestill seen and that they matter.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (17:00):
Absolutely Just exactly as they are, and
that's it's a tricky thing,because you do have to accept
they are a different, they're anabsolute separate person with
their separate path that's goingto go on to have this separate
life that you are not going tobe able to actually control.
By the way, just a real bigbummer I had so many good ideas
(17:24):
for what she should be doing,and so you have to release them
and let them know.
This is great.
You're on your own path and Isee you for who you are, not for
who I want you to be or who Iexpected you to be.
Dr. Amy Moore (17:39):
I love that you wrote something like you have to
remember that our kids are notmade in our image, they're made
in God's image.
I loved that right Like we'renot creating little mini-me's as
much as we would like.
You know, I call my youngest mymini-me right, but in reality
they don't belong to us.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (18:02):
They do not, and that was a really hard
shift, because I spent a lot oftime overriding that voice that
God has put inside of us to leadus forward with my voice, my
very loud voice of what theyshould do, and it created a lot
of doubt in them and a lot ofconflict.
And so one of the things I findmyself saying a lot now on this
other side is you know, I'mgoing to offer you this idea
(18:24):
that I have based on myexperiences in life, and I fully
expect you might absolutelybrush off 97% of what I'm about
to say, but I want you toconsider it.
But ultimately, I want you toremember there's a voice inside
you that's speaking to you andthat's the voice I want you to
listen, that's the voice I wantyou to trust, that's the voice
God put inside you, and so youknow, take from us as other
(18:51):
humans on your journey that area step ahead of you, and love
you like more than anybody onthe planet could love you.
I'm offering you this in thespirit and then go forth and
trying to recalibrate that, toallow them to have a strength of
self that they're meant to havestrength of self that they're
meant to have.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (19:08):
One of the things I love that you did in
the book is at the end of everychapter.
First of all, you talked aboutall the hard things right, All
the hard things that everyparent has to deal with.
But at the end of every chapter, I loved how you put what you
can do and what you can't do.
Number one I just think itgives you this feeling like,
(19:29):
okay, I need to step back andunderstand that I have a part of
this, I own a part of this andwhat can I do different, rather
than sitting there waiting forthem to change and if only they
would do it this way, if onlythey'd do it my way, then
everything would be fine.
But stepping back and likethinking about okay, could I say
(19:50):
this different?
Could I think somethingdifferent?
Is it really going to matter atthe end of the day if he or she
doesn't do it the way that I doit?
And I just felt like that wasreally empowering for everybody
involved in that situation.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (20:03):
So good job, I liked that too, Thank you
, it's learning from my mistakes, Right.
I didn't want the book to bebecause there isn't one a
prescription for parenting Likehere's what you do Follow my 10
easy steps.
If it were that easy, we'd allbe out there feeling great all
the time about parenting.
So I would like to get intosome specifics, right.
Dr. Amy Moore (20:24):
So we've talked about oh my gosh, this is hard.
It's hard while we're in it,it's hard once they leave, but
let's talk about some of the bigchallenges that we know most
parents face when they'reraising teens, and so I want to
start with phones and socialmedia, because, oh my goodness,
is this such a controversialtopic?
(20:47):
And you actually have aphilosophy that's super similar
to mine, and so I want to read aquote from you and then just
have you speak to it.
You say we cannot be theworld's ultimate snoop, as
tempting as that may be.
While you can access theirtexts, social media photos and
(21:08):
contacts, that doesn't mean youshould.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (21:11):
Talk about that, amen.
Well, I think about, like themost my mom could hope for was
to find, like, a note in mypocket when she did the laundry,
to like give her a little bitof scoop, or like hear a side of
a conversation, right?
Otherwise, we had a lot ofprivacy growing up in a lot of
room to make a lot of our ownmistakes, for better or for
worse, right, and if we areaccessing every bit of what they
(21:37):
do and going over it, first ofall, where's their room and
their ability to have privacy?
You know, privacy also comeswith trust, and I talk about
that, right, like there aretimes when we might be very
concerned, um, but those are theexception, not the rule, right?
If they're going to have thisthing and we're going to give
(21:59):
them this thing, then we have tolet them learn to use this
thing.
So that's also why I'm a littlemore conservative now about
when I hand this thing over.
When I hand this tool in yourhands, it should mean I trust
you to use it in a responsiblemanner and I don't have to go
through.
It should mean I trust you touse it in a responsible manner
and I don't have to go through.
I can't imagine if my mom couldhave heard every conversation I
(22:22):
ever had both sides, everysingle photo I ever took saw,
every single place I ever was.
Where is their autonomy andability to have freedom in the
world?
And that's where we're superoverprotective in this space,
but at the same time they'realso doing all these other
things.
It just doesn't make any sense.
So, really, I very rarely checka phone, if ever.
(22:44):
The youngest one now might justbe like I can see what sort of
websites you're going on.
I don't ever go throughanybody's texting threads or
photos or anything like that.
It's just like kind of whereare you spending your time out
there and making sure thatyou're in safe spaces as a
14-year-old, when you have theentire world in your pocket and
(23:05):
so that part's very shut down?
As opposed to my older kids, Ishould have done it.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (23:11):
The opposite.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (23:11):
Right, it's like I was really worried
about, like who you Snapchattingand who are you with on
Instagram, but nah, I'm neverlooking at the websites you go
to or I'm not looking, no,noticing that you could spend
hours on YouTube and who knowswhat's out there.
So I do think there is thatbalance and we do have to be
really cautious about when we'reputting the entire world in
their pocket and then decidingvery intently like and also, I
cannot keep that up.
(23:32):
There is no way, way.
Who has time to like police?
Like I'm going to give my kid aphone with everything in the
whole wide world and then I'mjust going to police it.
Are you kidding me?
There is no way a human can dothat.
And they are really smart.
They are so smart, you guys.
They will hide all the things.
They will be one step ahead ofus all of the days.
So really being aware of thatas well is really important.
If you think you're reading alltheir texts, you're not.
If you think you're followingthem on Instagram, they also
(23:55):
have their spam account that youdon't know the name of, that
all their friends are on andthey're logging into a friend's
phone.
Like I could tell you, I'm inthe middle school and high
school.
I'll tell you all the tricks,and as soon as I tell you the
tricks and you know them,they're going to all change the
tricks, because then they knowwe know them Right.
So you cannot, you cannotpossibly snoop your way through
this, this part of parenting.
(24:18):
It's just not healthy, it's notright.
Dr. Amy Moore (24:20):
It's not good, it won't work, all the things.
So do you have parameters andguidance that you give your
child when you hand them thephone?
What are some specific tips forbalancing freedom and autonomy
with internet safety?
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (24:37):
Absolutely so.
This is the one spot, the onlyspot.
My youngest child has morerules than anybody else.
So we have really learned and alot of this did come from my
older kids who were like, listen, you see part of this, we see
the rest of it.
This is the dumpster fireyou're handing to our sibling.
Don't do it so like, whereaswhen I hand it and it was a very
(24:58):
different world 10 years agoInstagram was just coming out.
When my oldest daughter gotInstagram right and like when
Snapchat came out, I had streakswith all of her friends in high
school.
It was like just this beginningand then somewhere in the
middle it deteriorated quite abit.
So our parameter is when you getyour phone, you can absolutely
have it.
No social media at all, andright now we're saying until 16,
(25:20):
I'm super lucky.
I'm ending with a easygoing boy.
So some of my other kids,admittedly, would be pushing
back quite a bit more than he is.
He's like, it's fine, itdoesn't really matter to him.
He likes to play singingmonsters.
So we're cool and his friends.
While some have social mediaand some do not, they all do
have an active texting thread onMessenger.
So you're allowed to have atexting thread on Messenger.
(25:41):
That's fine.
Every single thing that hedownloads on his phone goes
through me.
So I just approve or don'tapprove.
There's timers on things likeSinging Monsters, because his
frontal lobe will play that for72 years and not realize that
time has gone by and he's now anold man like Rip Van Winkle, so
we make sure that we havetimers on that.
And he has no access to theinternet at all.
(26:03):
So no YouTube, no searchengines, nothing.
So if he wants to searchsomething, he's absolutely
welcome to grab the computer.
He can sit in the middle of thecommon space and he can watch
YouTube.
Tell the cows come home.
He can search for anything hewants.
That's all done in a commonspace and he can watch YouTube.
Tell the cows come home.
He can search for anything hewants.
That's all done in a commonarea and that's just for his own
safety.
Like, I know what you're in andI know what your brain is like
(26:24):
right now.
You know what your brain islike right now.
So this is what we're like,we're doing what's right for
your current brain, and as yourbrain develops and becomes more
mature, then your rules willchange.
And so, and has that beenwithout error.
No, there are ways around allof this.
There are, and found some.
The key to me has just beengoing in just to see like what,
(26:46):
what's on his phone and what ishe using, and that has been
plenty for me to catch the fewspots where I've had to catch
something, and otherwise we'vebeen great.
Now do I know he's also probablyleft out of things?
1,000%, he is definitely leftout of things.
I am 100% okay with that,because 95% of the bad things
that happen in middle schoolright now are happening on
(27:06):
Snapchat or are happening on allsorts of different places.
So that has really alsobolstered my confidence in
making the right choice for him,and I do see our culture moving
in that direction.
I hope that we're starting tounderstand what we're actually
handing to them and we'restarting to make some changes
(27:27):
and, at the same time, pushingthem out into the world.
Like, okay, instead, go rideyour bike, walk to a quick trip.
Like, find a place to go playgolf, do something else that is
outside, because our kids aren'tused to growing up that way
collectively and we actuallyhave to position them to go do
some of those things.
Dr. Amy Moore (27:46):
So what I'm hearing you say is you give your
kids and your advice is to givekids freedom to be connected
socially to their friends, sothrough texting, through
messenger, through phone calls,and then the limitations are on
access to whatever is out there,whatever is out there,
(28:11):
absolutely.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (28:12):
And two, like as a boy, he games a lot
with his little headset and he'sgot friends he can talk to.
He feels very connectedsocially.
I think through that.
And when he does that, that'salso in an area where we can
hear.
We're not eavesdropping.
It just happens to be in acommon space where it's loud and
we have to sometimes say bequiet, right?
But it's also thataccountability that other humans
are around you To have accessto the entire world in a little
(28:35):
closed bedroom.
You know it's actually bananaswhen we think about it, right?
So my advice is yes, absolutely.
And then and it's also reallydifficult once you get it, to
take it away.
So, if you're in doubt, justdon't do it.
Hold out as long as you can oneach thing, because once you do
it and then you realize it's badand you have to take it away
(28:58):
you away.
It's like when you hand a kid asucker, one of those giant
suckers when they were little,and then you'd realize it was a
mess and you're going to have totake it back.
It's just the same, just assticky and horrible.
Dr. Amy Moore (29:09):
Yeah.
So I allowed my two middleschoolers at the time to
convince me that Grand TheftAuto was just a racing game Like
.
They very carefully chosescreenshots of racing to show me
(29:31):
before I would say, yes, youcan buy this game right, and
this has been 15 years at thispoint.
They were genius about it.
They're so smart, like geniusabout it.
They even had live action clipsto show me because I thought I
(29:52):
was doing my due diligence right.
Grand Theft Auto Don't theysteal the cars.
No, mom, they just race thecars through Vegas streets.
And yeah, okay, right.
So imagine my shock I don'tknow, five, six years later when
I realized Grand Theft Auto israted R plus and I had said yes
(30:18):
to my middle schoolers buying it100%.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (30:23):
I said yes recently to an app called
DuckDuckGo because it had a cuteduck on it and it came through
my you know he's got a whateverit's like.
You get a little screenshot oflike someone's requesting blah,
blah, blah.
It's like DuckDuckGo and I'm inbusy.
I'm like, oh, that's cute,there's a duck on it.
Sure, you can have it.
It's an internet browser thatdeletes all of your history as
you do it.
Same right.
(30:46):
So we're going to make mistakes.
This is not going to beperfection either.
None of this is ever.
We're doing the best we canright.
You did the best you could inthat with the knowledge you had
at the time With the knowledgeyou had and they carefully
curated that knowledge.
(31:06):
Oh, absolutely, and I'm surewhen that app was requested it
was in the middle of a schoolday where I was at work and
definitely busy.
It's all right.
Of course I'm just going to belike, yes, that duck is so cute.
Duck is not cute, but a duck isdangerous.
But yeah, but we're doing thebest we can.
So, yeah, we can't protect themfrom everything.
We do know that, no matter.
(31:26):
Like, the key then is thatconversation.
Right Is later, and I know Ihad that like with my son.
There was stuff when he turnslike 18 and 19 where I was like,
oh great, thanks for telling menow.
But when it happens in thatmoment, it is that connection to
be able to say, all right,we're going to regroup.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (31:44):
For sure.
You know, one of the thingsthat was always, I think since
the beginning of time, hasalways been a challenge is
navigating your kids' and FriendIssues.
And you talk a lot about thatin the book, and when I was
thinking like could I give anexample of this with my kids, I
think my kids had differentissues with different friends.
(32:06):
You know, for some it was oh, Idon't know if they're the best
choice of a friend for you, andwith others it's oh, my goodness
, do you have friends, do youhave somebody to eat lunch with?
And you know just how do youcommunicate and navigate that
with your kids.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (32:21):
That's so huge.
I feel like we have that samespread kind of here for each kid
and you know our hearts, likeour mom hearts, are like you
watch them walk in and you justwant them to have a friend, like
you want them to have somebodythat they can eat lunch with and
that they can be close to.
And you know that's been ajourney for each of our kids and
(32:42):
throw a pandemic in the middleof it which I think has really
broken a lot of our kids'relationships and we're still
seeing the fallout of that,especially in our schools, that
kids are disconnected.
So I think friendship is areally huge issue that kids do
need actual coaching around.
I was just in a classroom thismorning and realized these kids
it's January and asked them howmany knew the names of every kid
(33:03):
in their class.
Five kids raised their hands.
So they're not connecting witheach other like they used to.
And on top of that we have kidswho, like in the best of times,
weren't necessarily connectingor were picking all the wrong
friends.
Social media also.
Really we've had that happen,where you are meeting people
online and I just want to cursethat the internet was ever
invented because you areconnecting to these people.
(33:25):
I don't know who they are,where they're coming from, if
they're real, and when they arereal, it's even still bad.
So we have spent a lot of timetalking about what makes a good
friend how do you feel?
And again a lot of time talkingabout what makes a good friend.
How do you feel?
And again, a lot of that comesdown to that inner voice how
does this person make you feelwhen you're with them?
Are they bringing you up?
(33:46):
Are they bringing you down?
We have talked, actuallyrecently, like you probably
heard this too like you're thesum of the five people you spend
the most time with.
So who do you want to be likesome of the five people you
spend the most time with?
So who do you want to be like?
Who is like a role model foryou, and how can you become
friends with that person?
And so, early on, I know, withone of my daughters, we did I
(34:09):
encouraged a coffee date with afriend, which was just as like,
fraught with nerves as a datewith a, you know, like a date.
Date would have been Right downto like what are we going to
talk about?
How is this going to go?
They need some pushes, I think,sometimes to find some of those
connections and then, on theflip side, being really open and
honest, like when you are and Ithink we went through that a
(34:30):
lot when you think about gettinga tattoo in the back of the van
like, okay, who are you withRight and who are you with when
this is the road you go down, orwhen this consequence ends up
happening, like, is that whatyou want?
You want more of this or areyou looking for a different path
?
And I'm finding and I thinkthis rings true.
(34:51):
I think we find this as women,still in our own friendships.
We have this idea that our kidsare going to have, like, this
friend group and they're goingto have their high school and
then it's going to be this greatgroup they're going to keep
getting back together with, thenthey're going to be these
college friends, all thesethings.
That's an expectation andthat's not necessarily just
going to shake out.
Friendships are difficult.
They're allowed to change.
You're allowed to.
Was my best friend.
She keeps saying she's my bestfriend, but also this does not
(35:21):
feel like a good relationship.
So how do we teach them to moveaway from those relationships
and that it's okay.
Sometimes it's okay to besitting without friends, that
you've got people you talk to inyour classes, but none of this
feels like a good fit.
That's okay.
Where else do you haverelationships classes but none
of this feels like a good fit.
That's okay.
Where else do you haverelationships?
You have relationships withsiblings and grandparents and
(35:43):
aunts and uncles and parents andpeople that you work with and
all these other spaces.
Those all count asrelationships as well, and
teaching them just to be healthyin those spaces has been really
helpful.
And we're still having theseconversations with my
23-year-old right as friendshipsgrow and change like.
What does this look like foryou now, even as you're starting
to think about launching intothe world?
What friendships are going tostay, what friendships aren't?
(36:05):
It's all fine, but it is justlearning at the heart of that,
to navigate relationship andtaking some of that pressure off
, because they feel so muchpressure to have all these
friends and to be doing allthese things and I'm not doing
all those things right, likevery few people are.
It's okay, it's okay, you'rejust fine.
Dr. Amy Moore (36:27):
Yeah, my mom taught me when I was younger
that if you end up with one ortwo really good friends, then
that creates that full sociallife for you.
Right, and I didn't believe itat the time, right, because I
think as a teen you wanteveryone to like you and I think
you know it takes a very longtime, well into adulthood,
(36:50):
before you realize that noteveryone is going to like you,
and that's okay, right.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (36:55):
And that's .
I tell them that same thing.
And then it's like like, do youlike everyone?
Like, are you telling me youhonestly like everyone?
Well, no, well then, what areyou expecting Like?
You know what I mean?
That's just the way it is.
Dr. Amy Moore (37:06):
Yeah, it's okay.
Yeah, so we actually haveinterviewed a social scientist
from here in Colorado on ourshow a couple of times.
Her name's Jessica Spear andshe wrote a book called BFF or
NRF so best friends forever, ornot really friends, and it's
actually a workbook that you cando with your preteen teen that
(37:33):
helps you assess each person inyour life as are they BFF worthy
or is this person just going tobe an acquaintance and that's
okay, and I thought that was agenius publication, that is, I
just wrote it down.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (37:51):
I feel like I need that.
Dr. Amy Moore (37:52):
So, listeners, check out that episode.
Jessica Speer, bff or NRF, ifyou want to dig a little bit
more into that.
Yes, so cool.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (37:58):
check out that episode Jessica Speer, BFF
or NRF, if you want to dig alittle bit more deeply into that
.
Yes, so cool.
Dr. Amy Moore (38:02):
I love that, yeah , okay.
So let's talk about chores andresponsibilities.
So I will tell you, our kidshad this name for themselves.
They called themselves theChild Labor Force and they would
go.
It reminded me of like Marvel,you know cartoon, you know like
(38:30):
Wonder, twin Powers activate.
So we would finish dinner andit was time to do the dishes and
my oldest would go child laborforce and they would jump up and
they would get through thedishes as fast as humanly
possible and when there werethree of them, it was fast, it
was quick, it was easy.
They kind of made a game of it.
But as they aged out of thechild labor force, like how,
(38:57):
like what should ourexpectations be?
Should one person have to doall the dishes?
I don't think so.
But what do you think?
Speak to all of that?
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (39:05):
I don't either, because they're not our
slaves, no, and you're just aperson with me.
I know how that feels, right,nobody wants to be that person,
and so you are exactly correct.
And I mean especially being ateacher, like I really tried to
like chart a lot of this, likechore it out, like classroom
jobs and all those pieces whichonly works as long as I'm going
to maintain it, which isn't long, typically right, so you can do
(39:28):
all of those little things.
But I love that child laborforce because to me, that speaks
to like this collective rightand that's really where we've
made so many changes.
And at one point here Iremember looking around and
thinking I am so in the weedstrying to do all these things
and trying to make people helpme that it made.
I was like who would ever wantto be a mom in this house?
(39:49):
Nobody.
This looks like the worst jobever, because it feels like the
worst job ever.
And why does the person wholike has the kids now I'm
supposed to also do all thethings?
It didn't make any sense and soreally we started to
recalibrate on so many levels,right, every single person here
is involved in this communityand you're not just like helping
(40:10):
mom when you do the dishes,because that implies everything
is my job and then you are myhelpers.
That is not the case,especially as they get older and
especially now.
I have, you know, a 23, a 21, a20, a 17-year-old and a
14-year-old all living here andeverybody has jobs and
responsibilities and everybodyhas a reason why they're too
(40:32):
tired to do the dishes, right,myself included.
But it isn't about helping.
It isn't about helping mom.
It isn't about helping.
It isn't about helping mom.
It isn't about helping dad.
It's that we all live here incommunity.
So we I'm a big fan of thefamily meeting with the post-its
and the charts and the wholething.
So we have had family meetings.
I think our last one was reallyeffective, where we really a
couple of them were, one wherewe like sorted out all the jobs
in the house and determined whowas doing them and almost all of
(40:55):
them were me and then walkingaround to see how well they were
done and it was horrible.
Like that's where Sam had to belike no offense, mom, but you
are not doing a good job.
I'm like, of course I'm not.
I am one person Like how canone person do all these things
Like these are not, take thepost-its off.
These are not actually my jobs,these are our jobs.
How are we going to maintainour community space?
(41:16):
And so for me that isn't reallya differentiation here between
community space and personalspace.
I don't really get into theirpersonal space very often.
Every once in a while we'll do,we suggest, a 10-minute tidy
every day, and then every oncein a while we will be like all
right, all laundry plates, allthe things have to clear out of
your room and you got to do adust and a scrub and just kind
of do a reset.
That's your own space, thecommunity space.
(41:38):
We're all responsible for everysingle thing.
And so really right down to youknow people saying, well, I
didn't eat today, so I'm notgoing to do the dishes I didn't
eat here.
Do you eat here ever?
Do you think maybe sometimes Ido your dishes when, when I
don't eat, yeah, do I sometimesdo laundry's not mine?
Yep, and so will you, becausethat's part of being in the
community.
So really just trying toencourage that shift and that is
(42:01):
everybody.
Sometimes I find myself likesending the boys out to clean
the garage and the girls and toclean the kitchen, and they very
quickly called me out on that.
Like, why would the boys bebetter at cleaning the garage?
That makes no sense, becausethey're boys, what no?
So what are we good at?
Where can we use our talents?
Who's good at what?
And sometimes, you know, italso is not always going to be
fair.
Two of mine just had thisconversation last night.
(42:22):
They like to divide up thekitchen as a science.
So I am going to unload thedishes and then I'm also going
to wash three pots and then youare going to wash the rest of
the pots and put it like what?
Just get it done, I don't care,nobody cares.
You see, dad and I ever do thatwhen we're working together.
(42:45):
It's ridiculous.
So, trying to build thatunderstanding and it's just
about getting it done.
And, of course, the person whojust cooked the meal should they
also be in there now cleaningup the meal?
Probably not, if there's enoughpeople to do it.
So really, that's really servedus very well and I hear them
having those conversations witheach other, now that I'm not
running Like guys.
We're going to clean thekitchen.
Mom, just got done cooking.
Mom, you sit down.
(43:05):
Dad, you sit down, you,whatever happened, and then
we're all going to, we're allgoing to work together, and I
also hear them sometimes lettingeach other off the hook, which
is really cool, like Kate willbe.
Like I have a huge AP examtomorrow, oh then you can go,
don't worry about helping sothat it's building that
understanding of communityunderneath it all.
It is, it's time consuming andyou have to stick to your guns a
lot and you have to also let itbe done how it's done, which is
(43:27):
really hard because, sometimesthat's not how I do it.
Dr. Amy Moore (43:31):
I love how it breaks down traditional gender
roles too right.
Like where it says breaks downtraditional gender roles too
right.
Like where it says hey, mom isnot responsible for everything
in this house, we are allresponsible for the things in
this house, and so we'reteaching really great life
lessons so that when they doleave and find their spouses and
(43:53):
have their own homes, they arenot having an expectation that
the woman is responsible for itall.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (44:02):
Amen.
One of the things my mom didreally really well well, both my
parents did really really wellis like when we'd have big
things like okay, it's spring,the lawn needs to be raked and
let's get out there and do that,and they would have all of us
do it.
But my mom was particularlygood at pointing out not
necessarily that the task wasfun, but wasn't it fun doing
(44:24):
this together?
And so now my sisters and I allhave this mindset of well,
raking the lawn stinks but we'regoing to have a blast doing it
and you know there was alwaysgood food and all of that kind
of stuff that went with it and Ijust always thought she was
pretty clever to point out youknow the silver lining in that
(44:48):
all the time that's so huge.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (44:50):
Absolutely .
I felt the same, like we alwaysdo like good music, you know
what I mean.
Like, while they're doingsomething, they'll dance around.
That's where I have to just belike okay, settle in, amy.
They're going to clean thekitchen for an hour and a half,
right, like I could be done sofast, but they're making it fun
for themselves, right, and soit's going to take a thousand
years, but I appreciate that,right.
(45:11):
Like, okay, good, that helps mereframe that.
I'm going to reframe that asthey're having fun, having a
good time.
Dr. Amy Moore (45:16):
Yeah, I love that .
All right, we need to take aquick break.
Let Dr Jodi read a word fromour sponsor, and when we come
back, I want to talk about thisidea of having different rules
for different kids and howthat's not unfair.
When we come back.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (45:36):
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Dr. Amy Moore (46:28):
I love how Dr Jodi adds commentary into the
ask.
I felt like GoAmi too.
Yeah, exactly, again, we werejust talking about, you know,
not like traditional genderroles.
Yeah, so for sure.
Okay, so I let's see.
So one of my kids' middle schoolteachers had this sign on her
(46:51):
wall that said fair doesn't meaneveryone gets the same thing.
Fair means everyone gets whatthey need, and so I was reminded
of that when you wrote havingdifferent rules for each kid
doesn't mean it's unfair.
I told my students the brokenleg story every year.
If one student were to breaktheir leg, every student
wouldn't get a cast on their ownleg.
(47:11):
Instead, one might have a cast,another with a paper cut might
need a Band-Aid, and another whodidn't need a thing at the
moment.
Each person would get theirneeds met, but they should
prepare to look different.
There simply isn't a rule thatworks the same for every single
kid.
We need to look at each kid andeach situation and move forward
from there.
Each of these people is adifferent human and we parent
(47:35):
accordingly.
I love that, parent accordingly.
I love that.
Talk a little bit more aboutthat philosophy.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (47:41):
Oh yes, this is just so true, and that's
why I hesitate.
People will say things likewhat is your curfew for your
junior?
I don't know, tell me aboutyour junior, right?
That's what we need to bethinking about, because for
every single one of my kids, thecurfew of their junior year was
probably different.
So it is about who is thathuman, what are their needs and
(48:06):
how are they functioning rightnow in the family.
There have been times where anolder person in the family has a
curfew earlier than a youngerperson in the family.
That's just the way it goes.
So, as we're looking at thingslike the rules surrounding it,
is very much a negotiation witheach person.
We talk about something calledthe bank of trust here as well,
and that the more you are doingwhat you say you are going to do
(48:30):
, when you are, you know,walking your talk, you get a lot
of deposits in the bank oftrust, and the moment you're not
doing that, you can get littlewithdrawals, and sometimes you
get a really big withdrawal hereand there where the bank of
trust.
In the moment you're not doingthat, you can get little
withdrawals, and sometimes youget a really big withdrawal here
and there where the bankbecomes quite empty and so rules
also fluctuate for each person.
It isn't that your curfew isalways going to be 11.
Now, you didn't come home tillthree in the morning.
(48:50):
That was a lot of worry andstress on the family.
We're going to come home atnine until you're home at nine
o'clock a lot and then we cansay, ok, the bank of trust is
filled back up.
So each person kind of has thatknowledge that they also impact
the structure around them.
It's not just me saying here'syour rule.
(49:10):
It is like here's kind of whatwe agree on and we negotiate
some of that right.
Like sometimes I think it'sgoing to be 11, but they make a
pretty decent case for 12.
All some of that right Likesometimes I think it's going to
be 11, but they make a prettydecent case for 12.
All right, that's fine, as longas we're all kind of living
truly in the household.
(49:30):
Then it also helps themunderstand it's their decision
that caused the impact to theirsituation.
They have control and they havesay in that.
And that looks so different foreach person.
Because really, like I thinkabout that first pancake, now
that second pancake, it was likego ahead, please stay out, stay
out later and have some fun.
Why are you always home at nine?
Right?
It really was that idea ofwanting her to kind of explore
(49:56):
and go out in the world a littlebit more and almost needed that
little bit of a push to be moresocial, or, and then, of course
, being okay with that whenmaybe it wasn't.
Also, knowing that you know, wecan really go at it.
My first pancake and I and justabout this conversation back and
forth like this, my second born, if I were to do this, I'm
yelling, like this is a yellingface.
(50:17):
I could be talking this and I'myelling right.
So just knowing thatapproaching that person is very
different, our relationship isvery tender.
She will say to me like, canyou just change your face when
you say that, mom, can we have aquieter conversation about this
?
Can we talk about this whenyou're more calm?
(50:40):
She'll even say right, becauseshe'll know that I might kind of
jazzed at, but it's verydifferent person.
And then the third, my firstboy.
Then I was like, oh goodness,now they don't talk at all At
least this particular one doesnot and that door is always
closed.
And what is happening there?
Dr. Amy Moore (50:59):
Yeah, I love this and I parented the same way.
I don't know if you did, Jodi,but I trusted my kids until they
gave me a reason not to.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (51:07):
Yes, and that was the language we used, and I
love her language about havingthis bank of trust, and so
really, you're treating everychild the same.
If you're treating them withthis bank of trust, it's just
what they do with it isdifferent, and so it's kind of
both things.
You know both ways of lookingat fair.
I saw that same fair commentthat you talked about.
(51:30):
You know where fair is noteverybody gets the same thing.
When I was literally driving mylast child home from dropping
her off at college, where'd yousee it?
I was watching a podcast orsomething on YouTube, like I was
watching something trying tolearn something.
Yeah, and the speaker said thatand I thought here I am driving
(51:54):
home from dropping my lastchild at college.
Why did nobody tell me thisever before?
Dr. Amy Moore (51:58):
And we know that that is something that flies out
of every child's mouth.
That's not fair right.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (52:06):
A thousand percent.
Dr. Amy Moore (52:07):
I think it's really a great opportunity for
us to share why a child getssomething different right.
That it's not about fairness,it's about need, and so that
child needs something that youdon't need right.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (52:31):
The more clear we can be about that from
little on, the better it is.
I very rarely hear the wordsit's not fair here, other than
around the dishes.
That's the only place thatthere's like a large sense of
justice in my house.
Other than that, there is areally a pretty good
understanding that you and Ithink it comes from this.
They know when they needsomething, their needs will be
(52:53):
met.
They will be listened to.
We will trust them.
When they say like, for example,when you say you need a mental
health day, I'm going to trustthat that's what you need and
we're going to give it to youand that you're not going to
abuse that ask right.
And so when you see someoneelse staying home for a mental
health day, it's not that youneed one too, and they get to
(53:15):
stay home and I've got to go no,today, this is what they need,
just like when they have strepthroat and they're home, we
don't all stay, and so over timeI really think there is that
sense, and I do think the otherpart that's really cool about
that is they start to see eachother's needs as well and
understand that in community weall are going to have different
(53:36):
needs throughout life.
That's a really awesome lifelesson that we can plant in them
just by recognizing andconnecting with them as their
own individual human.
Dr. Amy Moore (53:48):
Well, and it's really difficult for someone
without a fully formedprefrontal cortex to have fully
developed empathy, and so whenwe can immerse them in those
situations that help buildempathy, I think that's a gift.
It really is.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (54:06):
Just those little bits.
It might be not that Sam isfeeling empathy for Kate in that
moment, but he hasunderstanding in his mind of why
it's like this, I canunderstand this and I know that
this rule is also true for me,because really, the one rule is
that we'll try to give you whatyou need, to the best of our
(54:26):
ability, when you need it.
That's what we're going to tryto do, whatever that is, in
whatever time and sometimes tothe best of our ability, isn't
going to be exactly what youwant, but it's going to be as
close as we can get.
Yeah.
Dr. Amy Moore (54:40):
We are at an hour and so we need to.
I know, right, it's hard tobelieve that zipped past.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (54:49):
I know it went super fast Amy.
Dr. Amy Moore (54:52):
how can listeners find you?
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (54:55):
Well, I am all the places.
I am on Facebook, instagram, alittle bit on TikTok thanks to
my kids, which is kind of crazy.
But the best place to probablygo, because sometimes socials
are crazy, is my website.
That leads you to everything.
It's amybettersmedvetcom.
There's links there to all mysocials.
There's a place to sign up formy newsletter.
There is a link to every placethat sells the book, which is
(55:20):
all the places and a little shopthere too, of little goody
things that my husband sometimesmakes and puts in there.
So all the things,amybettersmidbetcom.
Can you spell that?
Yes, okay, so my last name isbetter with an S B-E-T-T-E-R-S.
You're good Now the next partis mid-bet M-I-D-T-V-E-D-T.
(55:42):
I find if you just startputting in the front of that, I
pop up yeah, and you should beable to find me.
Or you can always find methrough the book.
If you search the book, you'llmake it, and they will too.
Once you find the book, googledoes a nice job of displaying my
picture and a little link to mywebsite, because apparently AI
works for us sometimes.
Dr. Amy Moore (56:04):
We're actually going to put all of your links
in the show notes so thatlisteners can find more about
you.
A link to get your book Amy,thank you so much for being with
us today.
This was such a funconversation, oh my gosh.
Thank you so much for having me.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (56:18):
I feel like I could have chatted all
day with you guys, yeah.
Dr. Amy Moore (56:22):
All right, moms, thanks for listening today.
If you like us, please followus on Instagram and Facebook at
the Brainy Moms, if you haven'tdone it already.
If you like seeing our faces,you can find us at the Brainy
Moms on YouTube.
And if you love us, we wouldlove it if you would give us a
five-star rating and review onApple Podcasts, so that we can
(56:42):
reach out to more moms just likeyou.
Okay, that is all the smartstuff we have for you today.
We hope that you feel a littlebit smarter.
We're going to catch you nexttime.
Hi, smart moms and dads, Welcome to another
episode of the Brainy Momspodcast brought to you today by
LearningRx Brain TrainingCenters.
I'm your host, Dr Amy Moore,and I am joined by Dr Jodi
Jedlicka as my co-host today.
Hi, Jodi, Hi and Dr Jodi and Iare going to interview Amy
Betters-Midvett.
Amy is a Today Parentingcontributing author with more
(00:23):
than a million readers and 25years of experience working with
adolescents and families, inboth her job as a literacy coach
and in her personal liferaising five kids with her
husband, Todd.
So her work has appeared inmany publications like
Huffington Post, ParentsMagazine, your Teen Magazine, as
(00:46):
well as in so God Made a Motherby Leslie Means.
Amy has a master's degree inleadership curriculum and
instruction and is the author ofthe book You'll Make it, and
they Will Too.
Everything no one talks aboutwhen you're parenting teens.
All right, I'm excited for thisconversation.
Let's welcome Amy.
(01:07):
How are you guys?
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (01:10):
Good, how are you Really good?
I'm sorry I'm in this like roomwith the sun in my back.
Dr. Amy Moore (01:16):
I mean I think that one of the secrets to
surviving motherhood isflexibility.
Absolutely surviving motherhoodis flexibility.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (01:24):
Absolutely Surviving motherhood, surviving
life, surviving everything Likehumanity just being a human
person on the planet.
Dr. Amy Moore (01:32):
Yeah, but you know, I used to be a teacher
educator, and so I would teachthese future teachers that
flexibility is the key to sanity.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (01:44):
Absolutely so.
So, oh, so true, I'm workingwith so many just brand new baby
teachers right now, you guys,and that's it right when I'm
just like it's okay.
Another metaphor life.
This is very rarely gonna gothe way you thought it was.
Dr. Amy Moore (01:57):
Yeah, totally.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (01:59):
Learn to accept.
Dr. Amy Moore (02:01):
All right, so I'm reading your book in the dark
this morning over coffee.
I am a brand new empty nester.
Like as of Monday, I'm a brandnew empty nester.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (02:13):
Oh, I'm just doing this.
Dr. Amy Moore (02:14):
Oh, thank you.
Yes, Listeners, Amy's huggingme, Okay.
So I cried, Like I'm'm readingyour book and I'm just
reflecting on, yes, these I havethree boys reflecting on yes,
we did this and years andworking through that and the
(02:46):
connections, and then knowingthat every room is empty right
now and so I feel I'm going tocry.
I feel so raw in that loss thatmy youngest you know, we
launched my youngest on Monday,and so, like I'm going to try
and make it through this withhumor, but I may, shed a couple
(03:08):
tears.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (03:08):
You are allowed to shed the tears.
That is really hard.
That's like a big landmark thatI feel is out there for me
right now.
And I my youngest, is justturning 14 on Tuesday and I know
the speed at you, know thatthis is going to go at, and so
that anticipation of that moment, I feel like I can just relate.
(03:29):
I just feel like I'm one stepbehind you and I can see what
you're feeling and I know it'sexactly what's coming.
And yeah, it's tough.
I am coming at this from atotally different perspective.
I have three adult children.
We need you probably right now.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (03:45):
I don't know that I'm going to be a whole lot
of help, but I rememberplanning to be a puddle and you
know, like planning for that tobe traumatic and feeling so
excited when I was driving away.
But excited for my child Likethis is so exciting what they're
going to be doing.
(04:06):
And the other thing is, once mykids all went to college, I
think they spent more time athome with us than they ever had
in high school, and so I justfelt like they immediately had a
new appreciation for what theywere leaving behind and tried to
come back often.
So I don't know if that helpsor hurts.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (04:25):
I feel like that is.
I actually ended up because Iwas close to the empty.
You know we have five and wehad launched two, three was
going to go, three decided to doa gap year, one and two came
back to commute this year.
So the weird thing is like Iwas the same way, like I'm
pushing toward this empty, andnow everybody's here, all five
of them inexplicably for a year.
But the math is that they'llprobably all leave almost
(04:48):
simultaneously right Within acouple of years.
So, but it is good to have thatperspective, because I forget
that when I think about even Samleaving, I forget oh, that's
right, ellie is actually layingon the couch in the other room
and I'm going to take her to thedoctor this afternoon because
she lives here and she's sickand I still get to take care of
her, and it's not what I thought.
So that coming back is a,you're right, it's true.
We don't realize that andsometimes I still don't
(05:10):
appreciate it because I'm inanticipatory grief.
Dr. Amy Moore (05:13):
Yeah, and I think you know.
My husband said yes, this issad and you can, you know, sit
in that space.
He said but think about theopportunities that all three of
them have met their foreverperson.
They're with their foreverperson and so really, this is
the next chapter in their life,in our life, like I'm going to
(05:33):
have three daughters now.
But it's sad at the same time.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (05:36):
So it's just like the very definition of
bittersweet.
It really is.
Yeah, for sure.
It's kind of like, though, thatyou just don't understand, or
you just don't recognize or knowyet how things are going to be
changing for the better, becausewe just moved into a whole
different place of relationshipwith our kids when they all left
.
So you know, now I'm a grandma,and one of the things that
(06:02):
really struck me when I wasreading your book, amy, was how
you talk about how, when kidsare young.
So our grandkids are betweenfive and nine years old.
They're nine, eight, seven, sixand five.
That's crazy.
Five and nine years old, andthey're all in this stage of
can't stop telling youeverything, like they're just
chatterboxes, and it's just sodelightful, you everything,
(06:26):
they're just chatterboxes, andit's just so delightful.
But I think what makes itdelightful as a grandparent is
that you know it's going tochange, and you know it's going
to change quickly, and one ofthe things I wanted to ask you
is how can I prepare for that,or how can I set the stage so
that I've got enough relationalequity I learned that word from
you, dr Amy Relational equitybuilt up that when they get to
(06:48):
be teenagers or preteens andthey're starting to separate
from that stage of telling youeverything, is there something I
can do to keep thatrelationship going in, at least
as close to it as I can.
I just will miss that.
I really think you're doing it,you're listening right.
(07:11):
You're an enthusiasticparticipant in their lives.
You want to know about them.
Like I look at it, if I look atit through like both a parent
and a grandparent lens, I lookat my you know the grandparents
my kids have that they'veremained very close with and
they all have differentrelationships with different
grandparents, but in particular,one of my daughters and my mom
(07:35):
have a very strong relationshipSomehow.
My dad has pulled off that.
Every kid has told me on theside, I'm Papa's favorite, don't
tell anybody, but I'm Papa'sfavorite.
So he's like, worked some sortof magic there.
We don't know what he wasplanting in their minds, but
it's worked for him.
So you'll have to ask him aboutthat one.
But I do think, like thoselittle rituals too, that you do
like, my mom has taken every kidshopping for their birthday and
(07:57):
for back to school since theywere little and picked out a
back to school gift and that'show they got their birthday and
she has actually layered it ontoChristmas as they got big.
It's just that tradition.
They talk with her.
They've got these rituals androutines that from little on
they start to value so much theolder they get Around 14,.
Maybe you're kind of like oh,remember, this is what you're
doing, and they might even havethat feeling of like, but I was
(08:20):
going to go with my friends or Iwas going to do this other
thing.
That they come back around,it's just like.
It's like just like our kids,right.
But I do think for grandparentsyou are so lucky because you're
leveraging all these fun things, so it's like pure fun, right.
Like we're going back to schoolshopping with mom.
It's like there's some fraughtthings that are happening there,
right, there's more layers thatwe're appealing through to shop
and you're shopping with Momirand you're just like so excited
(08:42):
and Momir's going to let youyou're going to get whatever you
want.
It's going to be great.
We're going to get pretzels andwe're going to go also go to
lunch and, oh, look at, she alsogot me that.
You know what I mean.
It's all those things and thosetalks that come along along the
way.
So I think you're doing it.
It is just I love thatrelational equity and I think
that in that ritual to them, mykids value every like, just the
(09:03):
weird things, the cups they useat their grandparents, that they
still want to be there.
You know I mean all thoselittle pieces are just so
important and nostalgic to themas they get older.
Dr. Amy Moore (09:13):
All right.
Well, let's talk about yourbook First of all.
Let me just ask you so I mean,you've worked with a ton of kids
both in your career and you'veraised five and so like why the
focus on teens?
What made you want to?
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (09:25):
do that.
Well, the original book I waswriting was not at all about
teens that one's still going tocome because I set it aside but
it really was just a multitudeof things.
What I found was, first of all,I have a group of friends
writer friends who really havehelped me in my writing journey,
and they kept asking mequestions about teens.
(09:48):
They're just a little bitbehind me in the parenting
journey and, as I'm, they'relike there's nothing out there,
amy, like can you okay, wait,just stop talking about this.
But can we talk about this?
We need to talk about this.
And we found we're in theseconversations.
They're like this is your book.
And as I looked around I waslike, oh my gosh, this is
(10:10):
exactly where I'm positioned inmy life.
Not only are my kids these ages.
As a literacy coach, as aneducator, I started out in
fourth grade back in the dayright, I was holding hands with
little Sydney on the playgroundat recess.
Such good memories having yourkids.
And I had kind of brought thisjourney.
As an educator.
I had gone through to fifthgrade, sixth grade, I had found
myself in seventh, eighth andnow ninth and tenth grades and I
just realized I love these kids.
(10:32):
I just have this heart for thisteenage awkward crazy walking
down the hallway doing all theweird things but yet also trying
to get in to the story thatyou're reading but also look
cool at the same time, and justall the layers of things this
kid has going on.
And then to have them in myhouse too and to see that flip
side of what we see in educators, what they're presenting to us
(10:55):
in the classroom, and then to beable to see what they're like
at home, which is like stillalso sometimes really little and
battling all these differentthings.
And I just really wanted toserve a parent who are in this
space, especially when I wentthrough my first and you see
this in the book my firstpancake.
I call her.
She threw me for all the loops,like every loop you could throw
(11:19):
a parent for I swear she wasjust like, aiming to like do all
of them and as my firstborn Ireally, when she was little, it
was like this baby will never doanything wrong as long as she
lives.
She is perfection put on theplanet for the world to enjoy,
no pressure on her right, noquestion as to why we might do a
little rebelling, and thendiscovered she was her own
person and parenting.
Teens brought me just to myknees.
I was great with them untilthey were about in fourth and
(11:42):
fifth grade, where that had beenmy jam, and then I was like,
what do I do with these kids?
I have no idea and I so oftenwanted.
I just wanted somebody to giveme something Like I just need a
book here where I can turn andsay somebody survived.
This moment, I just need tohear someone.
Someone else's kid got a tattooin the Walmart parking lot and
their kid did not die and theparenting went forward and
they're also talking to eachother.
(12:02):
I just needed that and so Iwrote it, yeah.
Dr. Amy Moore (12:07):
I love that.
A tattoo in the Walmart parkinglot, in the back of a van,
right In the back of a van.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (12:12):
Just like from a random friend of a friend
.
Dr. Amy Moore (12:15):
Yeah, and I love how you wrote and it looked like
a monkey did it.
It's so bad.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (12:21):
And she would tell you I wish you could
see it.
She's like, yeah, it's terrible, like I need to get this fixed
someday, like I 100% do, but Idon't know what you do with this
situation.
How did you go from firstpancake to knowing something had
to change?
Like I call myself a recoveringfirst pancake because I am the
oldest of four, and yeah you do,and yeah you do.
(12:43):
But how did you come to thatdecision, realization that, like
okay, this is what I thoughtwas going to happen isn't
happening.
Now, what do I do?
Dr. Amy Moore (12:53):
Well, let's first explain to listeners what that
means.
First pancake.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (13:06):
The first pancake is that first you make
your first pancake and you burnit.
And you burn it or it's likesuper doughy, like one side
super light, so you turn theheat up and they flip it and the
other side's burnt and it'sjust like not correct, right?
Your first pancake is kind oflike I put one pancake in,
usually on the griddle first totry to figure out like how is
this going to be right, right,is my batter right?
Is it too thick's a toothache?
And then that pancake is justkind of like a little wonky.
But the rest of the pancakesbenefit from me learning those
(13:28):
moments right.
So my first born isaffectionately called the first
pancake, my poor last born.
They like to tease him by thelast pancake that you have after
everyone's full.
No one wants pancakes.
I know no wonder he has a goodsense of humor.
No one wants pancakes, I knowno wonder he has a good sense of
humor.
So that first pancake was thattraining ground and I will fully
(13:49):
admit it took me way too longto figure out that I was not
doing things correctly right.
I was really felt like I knewwhat I was doing and a lot of
that.
I have wonderful parents andtheir parenting style matched
very well with who I was as ahuman person.
So my thinking was I'll just dothose things and then that will
(14:11):
all work and we will all walkforward in joy.
And somewhere along the way Irealized I birthed a person who
is absolutely very little likeme when it came to a lot of
these things and therefore I hadno tricks.
I was like, okay, but I'm goingto keep doing this, so I'm
going to keep grounding you,like, okay, it didn't work, I'll
(14:35):
ground you for longer.
Maybe if I ground you forlonger still, that'd be great.
Oh, I'm going to lecture you,I'm going to lecture you longer,
I'm going to take more thingsaway.
And all that happened was shewould just keep pushing the
envelope again and later told me, like I knew you were going to
ground me.
I would just think, okay,she'll probably ground me for
two or three weeks.
Is this enough fun to warrantthat three-week grounding?
100% worth being grounded forthree weeks?
And she would go do the thingLike young me never would have
(14:59):
done that in a million years.
Right, that was totally me bythe way.
Dr. Amy Moore (15:02):
Okay, so you can appreciate that I was that
teenager.
You were that teenager.
It's worth it.
I know you're going to take mykeys when I get home at 3 am,
and that's okay.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (15:11):
That's okay, because being at Hotel 3M
is a thousand percent worth it.
Yes, this personality was ashock to my system, you know.
So we really butt heads for solong.
And what was the line in thesand for me was I remember just
like giving her the business andbeing so frustrated and
realizing like at this point,she was not even like coming
(15:34):
home for things, like she justwasn't showing up, she was going
right to her room.
I mean, we were just in suchdisconnect and I remember
looking at her and I could justsee in her eyes, as I was
telling her all the ways she wasliving life wrong.
She just was sad.
I could see it in her eyes.
(15:55):
She was sad and defeated andcouldn't wait to get away from
me.
And I thought this person isnever going to come back to this
house when she leaves.
Because why would she?
I get it, I get.
Why she?
I could get her point right andI just knew that I did not.
I remember when she was littleand we used to give these kisses
.
You know, every time shelaughed it was like Eskimo
(16:21):
butterfly, cheek, cheek.
You know, every time we laughedI thought how do we go from
that to this.
I don't want this.
This is not what I want for myrelationship.
I want to be the place theywant to come back to for their
whole lives, and so I knew itwas me.
It was me and we say that ineducation all the time.
Right, we get frustratedsometimes with what students are
doing.
It's us, we are the ones whohave to make the change so that
(16:42):
they can make the change, and soI knew that in that that that
moment was when I pivoted.
Dr. Amy Moore (16:49):
Yeah, you write.
Sometimes we need to let go ofthe rules and focus on the human
.
We show them that they arestill seen and that they matter.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (17:00):
Absolutely Just exactly as they are, and
that's it's a tricky thing,because you do have to accept
they are a different, they're anabsolute separate person with
their separate path that's goingto go on to have this separate
life that you are not going tobe able to actually control.
By the way, just a real bigbummer I had so many good ideas
(17:24):
for what she should be doing,and so you have to release them
and let them know.
This is great.
You're on your own path and Isee you for who you are, not for
who I want you to be or who Iexpected you to be.
Dr. Amy Moore (17:39):
I love that you wrote something like you have to
remember that our kids are notmade in our image, they're made
in God's image.
I loved that right Like we'renot creating little mini-me's as
much as we would like.
You know, I call my youngest mymini-me right, but in reality
they don't belong to us.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (18:02):
They do not, and that was a really hard
shift, because I spent a lot oftime overriding that voice that
God has put inside of us to leadus forward with my voice, my
very loud voice of what theyshould do, and it created a lot
of doubt in them and a lot ofconflict.
And so one of the things I findmyself saying a lot now on this
other side is you know, I'mgoing to offer you this idea
(18:24):
that I have based on myexperiences in life, and I fully
expect you might absolutelybrush off 97% of what I'm about
to say, but I want you toconsider it.
But ultimately, I want you toremember there's a voice inside
you that's speaking to you andthat's the voice I want you to
listen, that's the voice I wantyou to trust, that's the voice
God put inside you, and so youknow, take from us as other
(18:51):
humans on your journey that area step ahead of you, and love
you like more than anybody onthe planet could love you.
I'm offering you this in thespirit and then go forth and
trying to recalibrate that, toallow them to have a strength of
self that they're meant to havestrength of self that they're
meant to have.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (19:08):
One of the things I love that you did in
the book is at the end of everychapter.
First of all, you talked aboutall the hard things right, All
the hard things that everyparent has to deal with.
But at the end of every chapter, I loved how you put what you
can do and what you can't do.
Number one I just think itgives you this feeling like,
(19:29):
okay, I need to step back andunderstand that I have a part of
this, I own a part of this andwhat can I do different, rather
than sitting there waiting forthem to change and if only they
would do it this way, if onlythey'd do it my way, then
everything would be fine.
But stepping back and likethinking about okay, could I say
(19:50):
this different?
Could I think somethingdifferent?
Is it really going to matter atthe end of the day if he or she
doesn't do it the way that I doit?
And I just felt like that wasreally empowering for everybody
involved in that situation.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (20:03):
So good job, I liked that too, Thank you
, it's learning from my mistakes, Right.
I didn't want the book to bebecause there isn't one a
prescription for parenting Likehere's what you do Follow my 10
easy steps.
If it were that easy, we'd allbe out there feeling great all
the time about parenting.
So I would like to get intosome specifics, right.
Dr. Amy Moore (20:24):
So we've talked about oh my gosh, this is hard.
It's hard while we're in it,it's hard once they leave, but
let's talk about some of the bigchallenges that we know most
parents face when they'reraising teens, and so I want to
start with phones and socialmedia, because, oh my goodness,
is this such a controversialtopic?
(20:47):
And you actually have aphilosophy that's super similar
to mine, and so I want to read aquote from you and then just
have you speak to it.
You say we cannot be theworld's ultimate snoop, as
tempting as that may be.
While you can access theirtexts, social media photos and
(21:08):
contacts, that doesn't mean youshould.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (21:11):
Talk about that, amen.
Well, I think about, like themost my mom could hope for was
to find, like, a note in mypocket when she did the laundry,
to like give her a little bitof scoop, or like hear a side of
a conversation, right?
Otherwise, we had a lot ofprivacy growing up in a lot of
room to make a lot of our ownmistakes, for better or for
worse, right, and if we areaccessing every bit of what they
(21:37):
do and going over it, first ofall, where's their room and
their ability to have privacy?
You know, privacy also comeswith trust, and I talk about
that, right, like there aretimes when we might be very
concerned, um, but those are theexception, not the rule, right?
If they're going to have thisthing and we're going to give
(21:59):
them this thing, then we have tolet them learn to use this
thing.
So that's also why I'm a littlemore conservative now about
when I hand this thing over.
When I hand this tool in yourhands, it should mean I trust
you to use it in a responsiblemanner and I don't have to go
through.
It should mean I trust you touse it in a responsible manner
and I don't have to go through.
I can't imagine if my mom couldhave heard every conversation I
(22:22):
ever had both sides, everysingle photo I ever took saw,
every single place I ever was.
Where is their autonomy andability to have freedom in the
world?
And that's where we're superoverprotective in this space,
but at the same time they'realso doing all these other
things.
It just doesn't make any sense.
So, really, I very rarely checka phone, if ever.
(22:44):
The youngest one now might justbe like I can see what sort of
websites you're going on.
I don't ever go throughanybody's texting threads or
photos or anything like that.
It's just like kind of whereare you spending your time out
there and making sure thatyou're in safe spaces as a
14-year-old, when you have theentire world in your pocket and
(23:05):
so that part's very shut down?
As opposed to my older kids, Ishould have done it.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (23:11):
The opposite.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (23:11):
Right, it's like I was really worried
about, like who you Snapchattingand who are you with on
Instagram, but nah, I'm neverlooking at the websites you go
to or I'm not looking, no,noticing that you could spend
hours on YouTube and who knowswhat's out there.
So I do think there is thatbalance and we do have to be
really cautious about when we'reputting the entire world in
their pocket and then decidingvery intently like and also, I
cannot keep that up.
(23:32):
There is no way, way.
Who has time to like police?
Like I'm going to give my kid aphone with everything in the
whole wide world and then I'mjust going to police it.
Are you kidding me?
There is no way a human can dothat.
And they are really smart.
They are so smart, you guys.
They will hide all the things.
They will be one step ahead ofus all of the days.
So really being aware of thatas well is really important.
If you think you're reading alltheir texts, you're not.
If you think you're followingthem on Instagram, they also
(23:55):
have their spam account that youdon't know the name of, that
all their friends are on andthey're logging into a friend's
phone.
Like I could tell you, I'm inthe middle school and high
school.
I'll tell you all the tricks,and as soon as I tell you the
tricks and you know them,they're going to all change the
tricks, because then they knowwe know them Right.
So you cannot, you cannotpossibly snoop your way through
this, this part of parenting.
(24:18):
It's just not healthy, it's notright.
Dr. Amy Moore (24:20):
It's not good, it won't work, all the things.
So do you have parameters andguidance that you give your
child when you hand them thephone?
What are some specific tips forbalancing freedom and autonomy
with internet safety?
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (24:37):
Absolutely so.
This is the one spot, the onlyspot.
My youngest child has morerules than anybody else.
So we have really learned and alot of this did come from my
older kids who were like, listen, you see part of this, we see
the rest of it.
This is the dumpster fireyou're handing to our sibling.
Don't do it so like, whereaswhen I hand it and it was a very
(24:58):
different world 10 years agoInstagram was just coming out.
When my oldest daughter gotInstagram right and like when
Snapchat came out, I had streakswith all of her friends in high
school.
It was like just this beginningand then somewhere in the
middle it deteriorated quite abit.
So our parameter is when you getyour phone, you can absolutely
have it.
No social media at all, andright now we're saying until 16,
(25:20):
I'm super lucky.
I'm ending with a easygoing boy.
So some of my other kids,admittedly, would be pushing
back quite a bit more than he is.
He's like, it's fine, itdoesn't really matter to him.
He likes to play singingmonsters.
So we're cool and his friends.
While some have social mediaand some do not, they all do
have an active texting thread onMessenger.
So you're allowed to have atexting thread on Messenger.
(25:41):
That's fine.
Every single thing that hedownloads on his phone goes
through me.
So I just approve or don'tapprove.
There's timers on things likeSinging Monsters, because his
frontal lobe will play that for72 years and not realize that
time has gone by and he's now anold man like Rip Van Winkle, so
we make sure that we havetimers on that.
And he has no access to theinternet at all.
(26:03):
So no YouTube, no searchengines, nothing.
So if he wants to searchsomething, he's absolutely
welcome to grab the computer.
He can sit in the middle of thecommon space and he can watch
YouTube.
Tell the cows come home.
He can search for anything hewants.
That's all done in a commonspace and he can watch YouTube.
Tell the cows come home.
He can search for anything hewants.
That's all done in a commonarea and that's just for his own
safety.
Like, I know what you're in andI know what your brain is like
(26:24):
right now.
You know what your brain islike right now.
So this is what we're like,we're doing what's right for
your current brain, and as yourbrain develops and becomes more
mature, then your rules willchange.
And so, and has that beenwithout error.
No, there are ways around allof this.
There are, and found some.
The key to me has just beengoing in just to see like what,
(26:46):
what's on his phone and what ishe using, and that has been
plenty for me to catch the fewspots where I've had to catch
something, and otherwise we'vebeen great.
Now do I know he's also probablyleft out of things?
1,000%, he is definitely leftout of things.
I am 100% okay with that,because 95% of the bad things
that happen in middle schoolright now are happening on
(27:06):
Snapchat or are happening on allsorts of different places.
So that has really alsobolstered my confidence in
making the right choice for him,and I do see our culture moving
in that direction.
I hope that we're starting tounderstand what we're actually
handing to them and we'restarting to make some changes
(27:27):
and, at the same time, pushingthem out into the world.
Like, okay, instead, go rideyour bike, walk to a quick trip.
Like, find a place to go playgolf, do something else that is
outside, because our kids aren'tused to growing up that way
collectively and we actuallyhave to position them to go do
some of those things.
Dr. Amy Moore (27:46):
So what I'm hearing you say is you give your
kids and your advice is to givekids freedom to be connected
socially to their friends, sothrough texting, through
messenger, through phone calls,and then the limitations are on
access to whatever is out there,whatever is out there,
(28:11):
absolutely.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (28:12):
And two, like as a boy, he games a lot
with his little headset and he'sgot friends he can talk to.
He feels very connectedsocially.
I think through that.
And when he does that, that'salso in an area where we can
hear.
We're not eavesdropping.
It just happens to be in acommon space where it's loud and
we have to sometimes say bequiet, right?
But it's also thataccountability that other humans
are around you To have accessto the entire world in a little
(28:35):
closed bedroom.
You know it's actually bananaswhen we think about it, right?
So my advice is yes, absolutely.
And then and it's also reallydifficult once you get it, to
take it away.
So, if you're in doubt, justdon't do it.
Hold out as long as you can oneach thing, because once you do
it and then you realize it's badand you have to take it away
(28:58):
you away.
It's like when you hand a kid asucker, one of those giant
suckers when they were little,and then you'd realize it was a
mess and you're going to have totake it back.
It's just the same, just assticky and horrible.
Dr. Amy Moore (29:09):
Yeah.
So I allowed my two middleschoolers at the time to
convince me that Grand TheftAuto was just a racing game Like
.
They very carefully chosescreenshots of racing to show me
(29:31):
before I would say, yes, youcan buy this game right, and
this has been 15 years at thispoint.
They were genius about it.
They're so smart, like geniusabout it.
They even had live action clipsto show me because I thought I
(29:52):
was doing my due diligence right.
Grand Theft Auto Don't theysteal the cars.
No, mom, they just race thecars through Vegas streets.
And yeah, okay, right.
So imagine my shock I don'tknow, five, six years later when
I realized Grand Theft Auto israted R plus and I had said yes
(30:18):
to my middle schoolers buying it100%.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (30:23):
I said yes recently to an app called
DuckDuckGo because it had a cuteduck on it and it came through
my you know he's got a whateverit's like.
You get a little screenshot oflike someone's requesting blah,
blah, blah.
It's like DuckDuckGo and I'm inbusy.
I'm like, oh, that's cute,there's a duck on it.
Sure, you can have it.
It's an internet browser thatdeletes all of your history as
you do it.
Same right.
(30:46):
So we're going to make mistakes.
This is not going to beperfection either.
None of this is ever.
We're doing the best we canright.
You did the best you could inthat with the knowledge you had
at the time With the knowledgeyou had and they carefully
curated that knowledge.
(31:06):
Oh, absolutely, and I'm surewhen that app was requested it
was in the middle of a schoolday where I was at work and
definitely busy.
It's all right.
Of course I'm just going to belike, yes, that duck is so cute.
Duck is not cute, but a duck isdangerous.
But yeah, but we're doing thebest we can.
So, yeah, we can't protect themfrom everything.
We do know that, no matter.
(31:26):
Like, the key then is thatconversation.
Right Is later, and I know Ihad that like with my son.
There was stuff when he turnslike 18 and 19 where I was like,
oh great, thanks for telling menow.
But when it happens in thatmoment, it is that connection to
be able to say, all right,we're going to regroup.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (31:44):
For sure.
You know, one of the thingsthat was always, I think since
the beginning of time, hasalways been a challenge is
navigating your kids' and FriendIssues.
And you talk a lot about thatin the book, and when I was
thinking like could I give anexample of this with my kids, I
think my kids had differentissues with different friends.
(32:06):
You know, for some it was oh, Idon't know if they're the best
choice of a friend for you, andwith others it's oh, my goodness
, do you have friends, do youhave somebody to eat lunch with?
And you know just how do youcommunicate and navigate that
with your kids.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (32:21):
That's so huge.
I feel like we have that samespread kind of here for each kid
and you know our hearts, likeour mom hearts, are like you
watch them walk in and you justwant them to have a friend, like
you want them to have somebodythat they can eat lunch with and
that they can be close to.
And you know that's been ajourney for each of our kids and
(32:42):
throw a pandemic in the middleof it which I think has really
broken a lot of our kids'relationships and we're still
seeing the fallout of that,especially in our schools, that
kids are disconnected.
So I think friendship is areally huge issue that kids do
need actual coaching around.
I was just in a classroom thismorning and realized these kids
it's January and asked them howmany knew the names of every kid
(33:03):
in their class.
Five kids raised their hands.
So they're not connecting witheach other like they used to.
And on top of that we have kidswho, like in the best of times,
weren't necessarily connectingor were picking all the wrong
friends.
Social media also.
Really we've had that happen,where you are meeting people
online and I just want to cursethat the internet was ever
invented because you areconnecting to these people.
(33:25):
I don't know who they are,where they're coming from, if
they're real, and when they arereal, it's even still bad.
So we have spent a lot of timetalking about what makes a good
friend how do you feel?
And again a lot of time talkingabout what makes a good friend.
How do you feel?
And again, a lot of that comesdown to that inner voice how
does this person make you feelwhen you're with them?
Are they bringing you up?
(33:46):
Are they bringing you down?
We have talked, actuallyrecently, like you probably
heard this too like you're thesum of the five people you spend
the most time with.
So who do you want to be likesome of the five people you
spend the most time with?
So who do you want to be like?
Who is like a role model foryou, and how can you become
friends with that person?
And so, early on, I know, withone of my daughters, we did I
(34:09):
encouraged a coffee date with afriend, which was just as like,
fraught with nerves as a datewith a, you know, like a date.
Date would have been Right downto like what are we going to
talk about?
How is this going to go?
They need some pushes, I think,sometimes to find some of those
connections and then, on theflip side, being really open and
honest, like when you are and Ithink we went through that a
(34:30):
lot when you think about gettinga tattoo in the back of the van
like, okay, who are you withRight and who are you with when
this is the road you go down, orwhen this consequence ends up
happening, like, is that whatyou want?
You want more of this or areyou looking for a different path
?
And I'm finding and I thinkthis rings true.
(34:51):
I think we find this as women,still in our own friendships.
We have this idea that our kidsare going to have, like, this
friend group and they're goingto have their high school and
then it's going to be this greatgroup they're going to keep
getting back together with, thenthey're going to be these
college friends, all thesethings.
That's an expectation andthat's not necessarily just
going to shake out.
Friendships are difficult.
They're allowed to change.
You're allowed to.
Was my best friend.
She keeps saying she's my bestfriend, but also this does not
(35:21):
feel like a good relationship.
So how do we teach them to moveaway from those relationships
and that it's okay.
Sometimes it's okay to besitting without friends, that
you've got people you talk to inyour classes, but none of this
feels like a good fit.
That's okay.
Where else do you haverelationships classes but none
of this feels like a good fit.
That's okay.
Where else do you haverelationships?
You have relationships withsiblings and grandparents and
(35:43):
aunts and uncles and parents andpeople that you work with and
all these other spaces.
Those all count asrelationships as well, and
teaching them just to be healthyin those spaces has been really
helpful.
And we're still having theseconversations with my
23-year-old right as friendshipsgrow and change like.
What does this look like foryou now, even as you're starting
to think about launching intothe world?
What friendships are going tostay, what friendships aren't?
(36:05):
It's all fine, but it is justlearning at the heart of that,
to navigate relationship andtaking some of that pressure off
, because they feel so muchpressure to have all these
friends and to be doing allthese things and I'm not doing
all those things right, likevery few people are.
It's okay, it's okay, you'rejust fine.
Dr. Amy Moore (36:27):
Yeah, my mom taught me when I was younger
that if you end up with one ortwo really good friends, then
that creates that full sociallife for you.
Right, and I didn't believe itat the time, right, because I
think as a teen you wanteveryone to like you and I think
you know it takes a very longtime, well into adulthood,
(36:50):
before you realize that noteveryone is going to like you,
and that's okay, right.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (36:55):
And that's .
I tell them that same thing.
And then it's like like, do youlike everyone?
Like, are you telling me youhonestly like everyone?
Well, no, well then, what areyou expecting Like?
You know what I mean?
That's just the way it is.
Dr. Amy Moore (37:06):
Yeah, it's okay.
Yeah, so we actually haveinterviewed a social scientist
from here in Colorado on ourshow a couple of times.
Her name's Jessica Spear andshe wrote a book called BFF or
NRF so best friends forever, ornot really friends, and it's
actually a workbook that you cando with your preteen teen that
(37:33):
helps you assess each person inyour life as are they BFF worthy
or is this person just going tobe an acquaintance and that's
okay, and I thought that was agenius publication, that is, I
just wrote it down.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (37:51):
I feel like I need that.
Dr. Amy Moore (37:52):
So, listeners, check out that episode.
Jessica Speer, bff or NRF, ifyou want to dig a little bit
more into that.
Yes, so cool.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (37:58):
check out that episode Jessica Speer, BFF
or NRF, if you want to dig alittle bit more deeply into that
.
Yes, so cool.
Dr. Amy Moore (38:02):
I love that, yeah , okay.
So let's talk about chores andresponsibilities.
So I will tell you, our kidshad this name for themselves.
They called themselves theChild Labor Force and they would
go.
It reminded me of like Marvel,you know cartoon, you know like
(38:30):
Wonder, twin Powers activate.
So we would finish dinner andit was time to do the dishes and
my oldest would go child laborforce and they would jump up and
they would get through thedishes as fast as humanly
possible and when there werethree of them, it was fast, it
was quick, it was easy.
They kind of made a game of it.
But as they aged out of thechild labor force, like how,
(38:57):
like what should ourexpectations be?
Should one person have to doall the dishes?
I don't think so.
But what do you think?
Speak to all of that?
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (39:05):
I don't either, because they're not our
slaves, no, and you're just aperson with me.
I know how that feels, right,nobody wants to be that person,
and so you are exactly correct.
And I mean especially being ateacher, like I really tried to
like chart a lot of this, likechore it out, like classroom
jobs and all those pieces whichonly works as long as I'm going
to maintain it, which isn't long, typically right, so you can do
(39:28):
all of those little things.
But I love that child laborforce because to me, that speaks
to like this collective rightand that's really where we've
made so many changes.
And at one point here Iremember looking around and
thinking I am so in the weedstrying to do all these things
and trying to make people helpme that it made.
I was like who would ever wantto be a mom in this house?
(39:49):
Nobody.
This looks like the worst jobever, because it feels like the
worst job ever.
And why does the person wholike has the kids now I'm
supposed to also do all thethings?
It didn't make any sense and soreally we started to
recalibrate on so many levels,right, every single person here
is involved in this communityand you're not just like helping
(40:10):
mom when you do the dishes,because that implies everything
is my job and then you are myhelpers.
That is not the case,especially as they get older and
especially now.
I have, you know, a 23, a 21, a20, a 17-year-old and a
14-year-old all living here andeverybody has jobs and
responsibilities and everybodyhas a reason why they're too
(40:32):
tired to do the dishes, right,myself included.
But it isn't about helping.
It isn't about helping mom.
It isn't about helping.
It isn't about helping mom.
It isn't about helping dad.
It's that we all live here incommunity.
So we I'm a big fan of thefamily meeting with the post-its
and the charts and the wholething.
So we have had family meetings.
I think our last one was reallyeffective, where we really a
couple of them were, one wherewe like sorted out all the jobs
in the house and determined whowas doing them and almost all of
(40:55):
them were me and then walkingaround to see how well they were
done and it was horrible.
Like that's where Sam had to belike no offense, mom, but you
are not doing a good job.
I'm like, of course I'm not.
I am one person Like how canone person do all these things
Like these are not, take thepost-its off.
These are not actually my jobs,these are our jobs.
How are we going to maintainour community space?
(41:16):
And so for me that isn't reallya differentiation here between
community space and personalspace.
I don't really get into theirpersonal space very often.
Every once in a while we'll do,we suggest, a 10-minute tidy
every day, and then every oncein a while we will be like all
right, all laundry plates, allthe things have to clear out of
your room and you got to do adust and a scrub and just kind
of do a reset.
That's your own space, thecommunity space.
(41:38):
We're all responsible for everysingle thing.
And so really right down to youknow people saying, well, I
didn't eat today, so I'm notgoing to do the dishes I didn't
eat here.
Do you eat here ever?
Do you think maybe sometimes Ido your dishes when, when I
don't eat, yeah, do I sometimesdo laundry's not mine?
Yep, and so will you, becausethat's part of being in the
community.
So really just trying toencourage that shift and that is
(42:01):
everybody.
Sometimes I find myself likesending the boys out to clean
the garage and the girls and toclean the kitchen, and they very
quickly called me out on that.
Like, why would the boys bebetter at cleaning the garage?
That makes no sense, becausethey're boys, what no?
So what are we good at?
Where can we use our talents?
Who's good at what?
And sometimes, you know, italso is not always going to be
fair.
Two of mine just had thisconversation last night.
(42:22):
They like to divide up thekitchen as a science.
So I am going to unload thedishes and then I'm also going
to wash three pots and then youare going to wash the rest of
the pots and put it like what?
Just get it done, I don't care,nobody cares.
You see, dad and I ever do thatwhen we're working together.
(42:45):
It's ridiculous.
So, trying to build thatunderstanding and it's just
about getting it done.
And, of course, the person whojust cooked the meal should they
also be in there now cleaningup the meal?
Probably not, if there's enoughpeople to do it.
So really, that's really servedus very well and I hear them
having those conversations witheach other, now that I'm not
running Like guys.
We're going to clean thekitchen.
Mom, just got done cooking.
Mom, you sit down.
(43:05):
Dad, you sit down, you,whatever happened, and then
we're all going to, we're allgoing to work together, and I
also hear them sometimes lettingeach other off the hook, which
is really cool, like Kate willbe.
Like I have a huge AP examtomorrow, oh then you can go,
don't worry about helping sothat it's building that
understanding of communityunderneath it all.
It is, it's time consuming andyou have to stick to your guns a
lot and you have to also let itbe done how it's done, which is
(43:27):
really hard because, sometimesthat's not how I do it.
Dr. Amy Moore (43:31):
I love how it breaks down traditional gender
roles too right.
Like where it says breaks downtraditional gender roles too
right.
Like where it says hey, mom isnot responsible for everything
in this house, we are allresponsible for the things in
this house, and so we'reteaching really great life
lessons so that when they doleave and find their spouses and
(43:53):
have their own homes, they arenot having an expectation that
the woman is responsible for itall.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (44:02):
Amen.
One of the things my mom didreally really well well, both my
parents did really really wellis like when we'd have big
things like okay, it's spring,the lawn needs to be raked and
let's get out there and do that,and they would have all of us
do it.
But my mom was particularlygood at pointing out not
necessarily that the task wasfun, but wasn't it fun doing
(44:24):
this together?
And so now my sisters and I allhave this mindset of well,
raking the lawn stinks but we'regoing to have a blast doing it
and you know there was alwaysgood food and all of that kind
of stuff that went with it and Ijust always thought she was
pretty clever to point out youknow the silver lining in that
(44:48):
all the time that's so huge.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (44:50):
Absolutely .
I felt the same, like we alwaysdo like good music, you know
what I mean.
Like, while they're doingsomething, they'll dance around.
That's where I have to just belike okay, settle in, amy.
They're going to clean thekitchen for an hour and a half,
right, like I could be done sofast, but they're making it fun
for themselves, right, and soit's going to take a thousand
years, but I appreciate that,right.
(45:11):
Like, okay, good, that helps mereframe that.
I'm going to reframe that asthey're having fun, having a
good time.
Dr. Amy Moore (45:16):
Yeah, I love that .
All right, we need to take aquick break.
Let Dr Jodi read a word fromour sponsor, and when we come
back, I want to talk about thisidea of having different rules
for different kids and howthat's not unfair.
When we come back.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (45:36):
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(46:17):
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Dr. Amy Moore (46:28):
I love how Dr Jodi adds commentary into the
ask.
I felt like GoAmi too.
Yeah, exactly, again, we werejust talking about, you know,
not like traditional genderroles.
Yeah, so for sure.
Okay, so I let's see.
So one of my kids' middle schoolteachers had this sign on her
(46:51):
wall that said fair doesn't meaneveryone gets the same thing.
Fair means everyone gets whatthey need, and so I was reminded
of that when you wrote havingdifferent rules for each kid
doesn't mean it's unfair.
I told my students the brokenleg story every year.
If one student were to breaktheir leg, every student
wouldn't get a cast on their ownleg.
(47:11):
Instead, one might have a cast,another with a paper cut might
need a Band-Aid, and another whodidn't need a thing at the
moment.
Each person would get theirneeds met, but they should
prepare to look different.
There simply isn't a rule thatworks the same for every single
kid.
We need to look at each kid andeach situation and move forward
from there.
Each of these people is adifferent human and we parent
(47:35):
accordingly.
I love that, parent accordingly.
I love that.
Talk a little bit more aboutthat philosophy.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (47:41):
Oh yes, this is just so true, and that's
why I hesitate.
People will say things likewhat is your curfew for your
junior?
I don't know, tell me aboutyour junior, right?
That's what we need to bethinking about, because for
every single one of my kids, thecurfew of their junior year was
probably different.
So it is about who is thathuman, what are their needs and
(48:06):
how are they functioning rightnow in the family.
There have been times where anolder person in the family has a
curfew earlier than a youngerperson in the family.
That's just the way it goes.
So, as we're looking at thingslike the rules surrounding it,
is very much a negotiation witheach person.
We talk about something calledthe bank of trust here as well,
and that the more you are doingwhat you say you are going to do
(48:30):
, when you are, you know,walking your talk, you get a lot
of deposits in the bank oftrust, and the moment you're not
doing that, you can get littlewithdrawals, and sometimes you
get a really big withdrawal hereand there where the bank of
trust.
In the moment you're not doingthat, you can get little
withdrawals, and sometimes youget a really big withdrawal here
and there where the bankbecomes quite empty and so rules
also fluctuate for each person.
It isn't that your curfew isalways going to be 11.
Now, you didn't come home tillthree in the morning.
(48:50):
That was a lot of worry andstress on the family.
We're going to come home atnine until you're home at nine
o'clock a lot and then we cansay, ok, the bank of trust is
filled back up.
So each person kind of has thatknowledge that they also impact
the structure around them.
It's not just me saying here'syour rule.
(49:10):
It is like here's kind of whatwe agree on and we negotiate
some of that right.
Like sometimes I think it'sgoing to be 11, but they make a
pretty decent case for 12.
All some of that right Likesometimes I think it's going to
be 11, but they make a prettydecent case for 12.
All right, that's fine, as longas we're all kind of living
truly in the household.
(49:30):
Then it also helps themunderstand it's their decision
that caused the impact to theirsituation.
They have control and they havesay in that.
And that looks so different foreach person.
Because really, like I thinkabout that first pancake, now
that second pancake, it was likego ahead, please stay out, stay
out later and have some fun.
Why are you always home at nine?
Right?
It really was that idea ofwanting her to kind of explore
(49:56):
and go out in the world a littlebit more and almost needed that
little bit of a push to be moresocial, or, and then, of course
, being okay with that whenmaybe it wasn't.
Also, knowing that you know, wecan really go at it.
My first pancake and I and justabout this conversation back and
forth like this, my second born, if I were to do this, I'm
yelling, like this is a yellingface.
(50:17):
I could be talking this and I'myelling right.
So just knowing thatapproaching that person is very
different, our relationship isvery tender.
She will say to me like, canyou just change your face when
you say that, mom, can we have aquieter conversation about this
?
Can we talk about this whenyou're more calm?
(50:40):
She'll even say right, becauseshe'll know that I might kind of
jazzed at, but it's verydifferent person.
And then the third, my firstboy.
Then I was like, oh goodness,now they don't talk at all At
least this particular one doesnot and that door is always
closed.
And what is happening there?
Dr. Amy Moore (50:59):
Yeah, I love this and I parented the same way.
I don't know if you did, Jodi,but I trusted my kids until they
gave me a reason not to.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka (51:07):
Yes, and that was the language we used, and I
love her language about havingthis bank of trust, and so
really, you're treating everychild the same.
If you're treating them withthis bank of trust, it's just
what they do with it isdifferent, and so it's kind of
both things.
You know both ways of lookingat fair.
I saw that same fair commentthat you talked about.
(51:30):
You know where fair is noteverybody gets the same thing.
When I was literally driving mylast child home from dropping
her off at college, where'd yousee it?
I was watching a podcast orsomething on YouTube, like I was
watching something trying tolearn something.
Yeah, and the speaker said thatand I thought here I am driving
(51:54):
home from dropping my lastchild at college.
Why did nobody tell me thisever before?
Dr. Amy Moore (51:58):
And we know that that is something that flies out
of every child's mouth.
That's not fair right.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (52:06):
A thousand percent.
Dr. Amy Moore (52:07):
I think it's really a great opportunity for
us to share why a child getssomething different right.
That it's not about fairness,it's about need, and so that
child needs something that youdon't need right.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (52:31):
The more clear we can be about that from
little on, the better it is.
I very rarely hear the wordsit's not fair here, other than
around the dishes.
That's the only place thatthere's like a large sense of
justice in my house.
Other than that, there is areally a pretty good
understanding that you and Ithink it comes from this.
They know when they needsomething, their needs will be
(52:53):
met.
They will be listened to.
We will trust them.
When they say like, for example,when you say you need a mental
health day, I'm going to trustthat that's what you need and
we're going to give it to youand that you're not going to
abuse that ask right.
And so when you see someoneelse staying home for a mental
health day, it's not that youneed one too, and they get to
(53:15):
stay home and I've got to go no,today, this is what they need,
just like when they have strepthroat and they're home, we
don't all stay, and so over timeI really think there is that
sense, and I do think the otherpart that's really cool about
that is they start to see eachother's needs as well and
understand that in community weall are going to have different
(53:36):
needs throughout life.
That's a really awesome lifelesson that we can plant in them
just by recognizing andconnecting with them as their
own individual human.
Dr. Amy Moore (53:48):
Well, and it's really difficult for someone
without a fully formedprefrontal cortex to have fully
developed empathy, and so whenwe can immerse them in those
situations that help buildempathy, I think that's a gift.
It really is.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (54:06):
Just those little bits.
It might be not that Sam isfeeling empathy for Kate in that
moment, but he hasunderstanding in his mind of why
it's like this, I canunderstand this and I know that
this rule is also true for me,because really, the one rule is
that we'll try to give you whatyou need, to the best of our
(54:26):
ability, when you need it.
That's what we're going to tryto do, whatever that is, in
whatever time and sometimes tothe best of our ability, isn't
going to be exactly what youwant, but it's going to be as
close as we can get.
Yeah.
Dr. Amy Moore (54:40):
We are at an hour and so we need to.
I know, right, it's hard tobelieve that zipped past.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (54:49):
I know it went super fast Amy.
Dr. Amy Moore (54:52):
how can listeners find you?
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (54:55):
Well, I am all the places.
I am on Facebook, instagram, alittle bit on TikTok thanks to
my kids, which is kind of crazy.
But the best place to probablygo, because sometimes socials
are crazy, is my website.
That leads you to everything.
It's amybettersmedvetcom.
There's links there to all mysocials.
There's a place to sign up formy newsletter.
There is a link to every placethat sells the book, which is
(55:20):
all the places and a little shopthere too, of little goody
things that my husband sometimesmakes and puts in there.
So all the things,amybettersmidbetcom.
Can you spell that?
Yes, okay, so my last name isbetter with an S B-E-T-T-E-R-S.
You're good Now the next partis mid-bet M-I-D-T-V-E-D-T.
(55:42):
I find if you just startputting in the front of that, I
pop up yeah, and you should beable to find me.
Or you can always find methrough the book.
If you search the book, you'llmake it, and they will too.
Once you find the book, googledoes a nice job of displaying my
picture and a little link to mywebsite, because apparently AI
works for us sometimes.
Dr. Amy Moore (56:04):
We're actually going to put all of your links
in the show notes so thatlisteners can find more about
you.
A link to get your book Amy,thank you so much for being with
us today.
This was such a funconversation, oh my gosh.
Thank you so much for having me.
Amy Betters-Midtvedt (56:18):
I feel like I could have chatted all
day with you guys, yeah.
Dr. Amy Moore (56:22):
All right, moms, thanks for listening today.
If you like us, please followus on Instagram and Facebook at
the Brainy Moms, if you haven'tdone it already.
If you like seeing our faces,you can find us at the Brainy
Moms on YouTube.
And if you love us, we wouldlove it if you would give us a
five-star rating and review onApple Podcasts, so that we can
(56:42):
reach out to more moms just likeyou.
Okay, that is all the smartstuff we have for you today.
We hope that you feel a littlebit smarter.
We're going to catch you nexttime.
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