October 28, 2024 • 46 mins
On this episode of the Brainy Moms podcast, discover the transformative power of conscious parenting as Dr. Amy and Sandy talk with Holly Swenson, an award-winning author, nurse, and mother of four. Holly shares her groundbreaking approach to parenting, inspired by principles from her latest book, "Stop, Drop, Grow, and Glow." Learn how the "five rights of parenting," derived from nursing practices, can foster deeper connections and holistic wellness for both parents and children. Holly's insights promise to reshape your understanding of parental presence and intentionality.
Explore the intricate balance of power and responsibility in parenting today. Holly delves into the art of embracing vulnerability, where apologies and accountability become tools for teaching valuable life lessons to children. Understand the profound impact of personal well-being on parenting efficacy, as we highlight the critical role of self-compassion amidst stress and sleep deprivation. We shed light on the evolving dynamics across generations, advocating for a nurturing yet authoritative relationship with your children.
Uncover practical strategies to maintain harmony and resilience in your parenting journey. Holly's "Stop, Drop, Grow, and Glow" framework offers a blueprint for managing stress and emotions, promoting mindfulness and self-awareness. From setting firm yet empathetic boundaries to distinguishing reactivity from responsiveness, this episode is packed with actionable advice. Embrace the power of love as a guiding force, and learn how to harness mindfulness techniques to transform challenges into growth opportunities for you and your family.
CONNECT WITH US:
Website: www.TheBrainyMoms.com
Email: info@TheBrainyMoms.com
Social Media: @TheBrainyMoms
Our sponsor's website: www.LearningRx.com
Sandy's TikTok: @TheBrainTrainerLady
Dr. Amy's brand new IG: @DrAmySaysGrace
Dr. Amy's website: www.AmyMoorePhD.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Amy Moore (00:02):
Hi, smart moms and dads.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Brainy Moms podcast, brought
to you today by LearningRxCognitive Training Centers.
I'm your host, dr Amy Moore,I'm joined by my co-host, sandy
Zimalis, and we are excited tobring you a conversation with
our guest today, holly Swenson.
Holly is an award-winning andbest-selling author on the rise
and on a mission to bring morewellness, joy and intentionality
(00:25):
to parenting and beyond.
In addition to being an author,she's also a nurse, a wellness
blogger, a mother to fourincredible sons and a perpetual
student of life.
She's here to talk to us aboutsome concepts from her new book
Stop, drop, grow and Glow.
Welcome, holly.
Holly Swenson (00:45):
Thank you so much for having me this morning.
It's really a pleasure toconnect with both of you.
Sandy Zamalis (00:50):
We're so glad you're here.
So whenever we have authors on,we always want to know the
story behind the story.
So share with us, share withour listeners, how you got into
the conscious parenting spaceand kind of where that passion
started.
Holly Swenson (01:04):
Sure.
So, you know, the biggestpremise was was me walking the
path of parenthood.
You know, we have four children, four boys, and I've had to
learn a lot of things, you know,as the path has unfolded.
And so, for me, I really wantedto create a framework and
provide tools for parents sothat they can activate more
(01:24):
wellness in their life, becauseI think it's an area that so
many people need support with.
You know, parenting is anextended season and so I think
you need to do what it takes totake care of you so that you
optimally can take care of yourkids, and so that, really, for
me, was the premise, and I hadwanted to write for a long time
and I kind of kept putting itoff, but then I made time and I
(01:47):
sat down and just got after itand it's been the best decision
I've ever made.
Dr. Amy Moore (01:52):
I love that, and I think that it's more authentic
when we can speak and writeabout things that were so
passionate, that come from awealth of our own experiences,
those aha moments, right asparents, as moms, when we go, oh
, I should put that in a book,right.
(02:12):
And so I actually had afriend's mom growing up who
every time we would have aninteresting conversation, she
would say I'm putting that in mybook, I'm putting that in my
book, and it would be crazystuff, stuff you would never
want in a book, right.
But I always wondered whateverhappened to those.
I should put that in a book oneday, ideas.
And so it sounds like you goton it pretty quickly.
Holly Swenson (02:36):
Absolutely no, I think.
Like I said, I think taking youknow what my lived experience,
what I witnessed in the world,and also I married a little bit
of my nursing background into my, into my work, you know as well
.
So it's it's got some funlayers in there and, I think, a
lot of applicable stuff that canhelp people really start to
thrive.
That's, that's the ultimategoal.
Dr. Amy Moore (02:55):
Absolutely All right.
So, speaking of your nursingbackground, you took that
classic five rights ofmedication administration right,
right root, right dose, rightperson I'm missing a couple, but
you took that idea of the fiverights of medication that all
nurses are trained in and youadapted that to a five rights of
(03:17):
parenting.
And by rights it doesn't meanwhat is my right to do something
, but what we should do right asparents, right.
Talk a little bit about those.
Holly Swenson (03:27):
Yeah.
So the five rights of parentingare really designed to be a
quick way to touch base withyourself on how you're
presenting as a parent andreally they ensure you're doing
the right thing and not causingunnecessary harm to your child
or yourself in the process ofparenting.
So really think of these rightsas supportive parenting
(03:47):
protocol.
Okay, so it's.
It's just really a way that youcan touch base with your own
heart on how things are going.
So the first one is is right now, and this one is about being in
the moment with your child andbeing present.
You know, not texting, notworking on three different
things while your child needsyou, but but when you show up,
(04:09):
you're really showing up andbeing all in, and.
And the reality is like, if youcan't put aside what you're
doing because for so many of usit's like, hey, I'm really in
the middle of something and Ican't step away right, this
second that you, you know, maybeyou give your child a hug or
you set a time like maybe it's10 minutes, maybe it's a half an
hour that you can beintentional, so that they know
(04:29):
that you see them, so they feelseen, heard, valued, and it
allows you to wrap what you'redoing, but that it also is
helping you be more present inyour own parenting, Because I
think that when it comes toparenting, there are no repeats.
Time is ever fleeting, and soyou really want to maximize that
time that you have and live inthe moment as often as possible.
(04:50):
So that's the first one.
Dr. Amy Moore (04:52):
So I think it's important, like when we make
that decision, to say, okay, ifmy child walks into the room and
I'm on my phone, I'm going toput down my phone and be present
with my child, but we have todo it in a way that doesn't look
like we're annoyed that we haveto put down our phone, right,
like we have to be reallycareful about our body language
(05:13):
and our facial expression andnot just our intent.
Holly Swenson (05:16):
Sure, absolutely.
Yeah, it's a whole, it's awhole package.
So, yeah, so, and I think you,you know the reality and I think
think we are.
We're all like masters ofdistraction.
You know.
People are living so distractedum, and we're all multitasking,
and especially parents, whereyou have a lot of hats you're
wearing.
So it's.
Sandy Zamalis (05:32):
it's a hard thing to remember, but but as often
as you can remember it, itreally will shift dynamics in
your home um, this is a goodthing to model right, like
you're just modeling that forthem, because you want them to
grow up with those same skillsas technology starts to invade
their world more and more.
Holly Swenson (05:51):
Yeah, role modeling is huge.
I totally agree.
The second right is the rightintent, and so I think that you
want to be intentional with thechoices you make, the guidelines
you set and how you're treatingyour child.
You know, if you don't know whyyou're doing what you're doing,
it might be time to reevaluateyour parenting strategy.
You know, if you're just simplydoing what, you know what was
(06:12):
passed down to you but it didn'treally feel good to you in your
childhood but you're kind ofunconsciously passing on, you
know, some of these elements tothe next generation.
You might just touch base withyourself on on you know if there
might not be a better way to topractice.
You know parenting because itis a practice.
It's always evolving, but Ithink that you just want to wake
(06:36):
up more in your own life and bemore intentional with why
you're doing what you're doing.
So so the second one is justreally kind of checking yourself
and checking in and and andseeing if there's anything that
might need some shifting.
Dr. Amy Moore (06:50):
So because your parents did it that way might
not be the best reason for youto do it that way is what I'm
hearing you say.
Holly Swenson (06:58):
Exactly, and you might've had great parents, and,
and, then, and, and.
If that's the case, then thenyes, pass on what you learned
because it worked and it waseffective and it felt good.
But if it wasn't, if you didn'thave that, then maybe consider
shifting some of thosegenerational patternings.
Sandy Zamalis (07:15):
Yeah, don't be afraid to be your own person too
, like my daughter, my mydaughter clocked me one time.
She told me I am not you Right.
So, like having that discussionof you, know it's okay for them
to find their way.
And then, as you as a parent,you're allowed to find your way
(07:35):
of what parenting strategieswork for you, because even if
your parents were wonderfulparents, those strategies might
not work for you.
So you have to find thosethings that do.
Holly Swenson (07:47):
Well, I think you bring up a good point.
You know your children comefrom you, but ultimately they
are their own people.
And sometimes it's hard to letgo of what you think they should
be doing and what they actuallywant to be doing, because they
have their own.
They should have their ownownership and autonomy, and I
think it's important to remindyourself of that.
It's hard, you know, whenthey're little they kind of go
(08:09):
along with whatever you, mom ordad say, but as they get older
they really want to step intobeing more of who, who they want
to be.
So giving them some of some ofthat freedom when it's
appropriate it's, it's healthy.
Dr. Amy Moore (08:16):
So so, when you are thinking about being
intentional in the parentingdecisions that you're making,
what is your advice on the typesof things that parents should
consider Right, so like, okay,as I make this decision and I'm
being intentional about thisprocess or the decision that I'm
making, what should theyconsider?
Holly Swenson (08:37):
Well, I think, like, for me, what like comes to
mind when you ask this question?
It's more like, um, you know,and this is something we will
talk about a little bit laterbut like reacting.
So you know, like, maybe yourkids having, you know, tantrum,
if they're younger, or orthey're you're getting a lot of
pushback as they get older andthey're, you know, teens and
they're they're wanting morefreedom, or you know you're
clashing.
(08:57):
You know, how are you steppinginto the?
How are you stepping into thosemoments?
Are you, are you reacting?
Are you?
Are you triggered?
Are you?
You know?
So those moments areopportunities to you know, say,
like, take a deep breath, um,pause before you open your mouth
, because it's hard when, whenyou're being triggered,
(09:17):
triggered and you start todysregulate yourself.
So I like to me that's what'scoming to mind as an opportunity
to be the leader, to practiceyour calm, because I think that
that's actually far harder thanit is to be triggered and kind
of get sucked into theirmeltdown or whatever crisis
(09:37):
they're feeling in that moment.
So to me, that's a greatopportunity to be more
intentional with how you'releading and how you're role
modeling.
Dr. Amy Moore (09:47):
Yeah, because then you have to go back and do
repair work.
Absolutely yeah, and that's alot harder than taking a few
extra seconds at the front endof that conversation to regulate
yourself, so that then you canco-regulate with your child.
Holly Swenson (10:00):
And this is a perfect segue because the third
right is the right use of speechwith your child.
And this is a perfect seguebecause the third right is the
right use of speech and, um, youknow, I often will say that
your voice is a tool of creation, um, and so you really have the
power to uplift or tear down,uh, and I think that this can be
one of the toughest rights toimplement.
Um, so you want to speak withmindfulness and if you forget,
(10:20):
you want to apologize.
Like I really believe in thepower of apology.
I think that it's something thatshould be part of everyone's
practice because, as awesome ofa job as you might be doing,
you're going to have moments,you're going to have days,
you're going to have times thatyou need to make amends and you
need to repair, whether it'swith your kids or other family
(10:42):
members.
It's just an important thing tohave in your back pocket, to
pull out and use, to uh, torepair anything that might need
a reparation.
Uh, and the reality is thatwe're all, we're all human.
You know we're not, we're notperfect.
So, um, remembering toapologize when it's appropriate.
Dr. Amy Moore (10:59):
Yeah, I think that sends a really strong
message to your child that youlove them enough to be
vulnerable in the moment to walkit back.
And then, what a great way tomodel what it looks like to walk
back those words, where, ifwe're being intentional in the
(11:21):
first place, hopefully thosehurtful words don't come out in
the first place.
But, like you said, we arehuman and we do get triggered or
we do get dysregulated, andsometimes things just come
flying out of our mouth becauseit's what, it's the first thing
that pops into our mind, right,and so we say it without
thinking of the consequencesthat those words could have.
(11:41):
And so to be able to go, oh, Ireally wish I hadn't said that.
I'm so sorry, you know, this is, this is how I really want this
conversation to to go.
Holly Swenson (11:52):
That's right?
Absolutely no, and I think youhave different things that
impact the way you feel, too,and the way you show up.
You know, like, did you getenough sleep?
How maxed out are you at work,or you know, or the home front,
you know.
So you have a lot of thingsthat can impact the way you show
up.
So be you know, practice, gracewith yourself too.
The fourth right is the rightuse of power, and I think that
(12:14):
you really want to wield yourpower with care.
You're the one responsible forsetting boundaries, discipline,
and you ultimately have thefinal say on, you know, issues
that are going to arise.
You know, during those 18 years, that you're blessed to have
your kids under your roof.
So I think it's important tonot abuse this power and be
intentional in the frameworkthat you set for your child.
(12:36):
So this one, again, is justmaking sure that you are, you're
stepping into the power thatyou carry as a parent with, with
love, with intentionality,which we've already kind of
spoke about, but that you are,that you're mindful of how
you're, how you're, you're, youknow, you disciplining and
boundary setting.
Dr. Amy Moore (12:56):
And so what does that abuse of power as a parent
look like?
What does it sound like?
Holly Swenson (13:01):
Well, I just I think when you are, you know we
kind of just spoke about likedysregulating if you are not
able to control your emotionalstate and you're taking it too
far and parents know what thatyou know like.
If you are, you know if you'reyelling a lot, if you're, you
know, feeling like you have tobe physical, that like those are
major red flags to like whoa,you need to like slow down, take
a step back and and checkyourself, and so I think you
(13:26):
know, or if you feel like you'rejust being triggered like
nonstop, you know you need tocheck in and maybe you get
professional help, maybe youseek somebody who can help you
have some, some parenting skillsso that when you are in those
moments that feel reallyoverwhelming, moments that feel
(13:47):
really overwhelming, you havesome tools to help you navigate
those moments with a little morecalm and a little more
compassion.
You know, because it's hard,like I said, it's hard, I think,
as a parent, when you aretasked with you're raising
another human being, right, andyou have a lot of asks thrown on
top of it.
So so I think, for people,parents are just overwhelmed.
I think so many parents areoverwhelmed and they're stressed
(14:07):
, and that's where I thinkpeople don't always show up the
way they mean to, and so it'schecking yourself, it's having
cultivating more self-awarenessof like, wow, I really haven't
been showing up.
In a way, that's very nice.
How can I shift gears and andand change this?
Dr. Amy Moore (14:24):
How can I shift gears and change this?
Do you think that that powerdifferential between parent and
child has changed in the lastgeneration?
You know, when we think back toour parents' generation, right,
the parent was in charge, right, and so the child did what the
parent said.
But then I saw this pendulumswing in the exact opposite
(14:46):
direction, where parents thendecided well, I'm going to be
best friends with my child andso we're going to just be
partners in this process.
And it's my opinion that thatpendulum swung too far into that
direction, because ultimately,the parent is the adult.
The parent is the one thatneeds to coach and mentor and
(15:08):
guide.
And so how do you find thathappy middle somewhere between
wearing the t-shirt that saysbecause I said so or because I'm
the parent or the anything goesapproach, because I want my
child to be my best friend.
Holly Swenson (15:24):
Yeah, no, I think you bring up a really good
point and I think you knowyou're absolutely right.
It was very much a top-downapproach and then you know, I
think the reality is you need tostrike a balance Like I'm
really into balance, and so Idefinitely think being your
child's best friend is also notthe best approach.
I think they need a parent,they need boundaries, they need
(15:45):
guidelines.
They're going through a lot ofchanges and they need somebody
who is there to be not theirbest friend, but to be like a
guiding light.
I also believe in collaboration, though, and I do think that
you should make time to hearyour child out.
So I think that it's.
It's really about finding moreharmony in your home.
It's not about having it bewhatever your kids want it to be
(16:06):
is my, my feeling.
I think that they do need thatstructure, and structure
actually gives them more calm intheir life, because you know
you know as you know, you knowyoungsters or teens or whatever
they need they need that support.
They need somebody who can helpkind of guide them along, but
not be so heavy handed that itcrushes their spirit.
(16:27):
So I think it's it's hearingyou know, like you know, maybe
it's.
Maybe it's sports, you know,like if, if you know you're
doing baseball because I said so, like that might not be the
best way to navigate that, likeask your child, you know what
sport are you into and maybeit's not sports at all, but but
you know so.
So hear what your child wants todo, where their passions lie.
(16:47):
It's not a permission slip tolike get out of doing whatever
you know doing nothing, but Ithink it's also an opportunity
to to get to know your child, tohelp support them and say you
know I want, you know you knowyou need to, you need to partner
with things in life that willhelp you stay healthy and fit.
(17:08):
Or, you know, maybe it's art,maybe whatever it is helping
them have some ownership ofactivities.
Like that's just an example,you know.
I think that's a great place tostart of giving them more of a
say, but not the final say, onyou know, some of the bigger
issues of giving them more of asay, but not the final say on
you know some of the biggerissues.
Sandy Zamalis (17:30):
So I kind of feel like both ends of those
spectrums have the same likeroot issue, which is inability
to deal with conflict.
Right, you're dealing it withwith power, or you're dealing
with it by just avoiding italtogether.
And so, dr Amy, maybe you wantto chime in on this too what
would be your recommendations,both of you, for helping someone
learn how to manage conflict?
Because that, I think, is kindof the root of the issue,
(17:52):
because wherever you are, youfeel out of control.
So here you are presented witha conflict that you're not sure
quite how to manage it or handleit, so you're going to swing
one way or the other.
What are some tools orrecommendations that both of you
would have for dealing withconflict?
Dr. Amy Moore (18:10):
I'll let you go first, Holly.
Holly Swenson (18:12):
Well, I think, for me, I, what I will share is,
you know, I created a frameworkto help people.
I think you know whether it'sconflict or just you know more
self-awareness.
But my Stop, drop, grow andGlow framework, really I think
you know whether it's conflictor just you know more
self-awareness, but my stop,drop, grow and grow and glow
framework, really I think helpspeople to find more balance in
their life.
And so, whether you're dealingwith extremes, which I think a
(18:32):
lot of people are, you're kindof in one extreme category or
the other, like bringing it allback to the mid, the midline,
because I think that's where youfind more happiness, more joy,
more wellness.
I think when you're living inextreme states, it's just, it's
exhausting and you you end upliving in fight or flight.
That you know that mode of like,you're just chronically
stressed, and when you're inthat space, you you face burnout
(18:55):
and it's stressful to you, it'salso stressful to your children
.
So so for me, I always say, likeyou know, not to go through all
of my, my framework points, butlike for for stop, it's really
stopping and doing someself-assessment and reflection
on where you are today, doingsome internal gazing on things
that are going well as well asthings that aren't, and I think,
(19:17):
just cultivating thatself-awareness, that curiosity
and consciousness on yourjourney of you know how your
parenting life is going, howyour personal life is going,
because I also think it's reallyimportant that you nurture both
just because you become aparent doesn't mean you
shouldn't take care of who youare as an individual.
(19:40):
And the reality is, when youcare for both of those in terms
of like, whether you're dealingwith conflict or extremes, if
you you can, if you can tend toyour whole self in a way that's
intentional, I think some ofthat extreme stuff that you
mentioned will start to softenyeah, I love, I love everything
that you just said, and I thinkwe could probably do a whole
episode on your question, sandyand I, because it was sorry,
(20:04):
because it was a phenomenalquestion, and so I think that we
have to look at what is thatfear stemming from?
Dr. Amy Moore (20:15):
Is that fear of conflict, this fear that if I
push back, will my child notlove me?
Because a lot of times thathappens.
And so then I think it allbegins with us.
It begins with our ability toregulate our emotions.
It begins with our ability totake care of our physical needs,
(20:36):
and I think Holly talks aboutthis in her book, you know,
about the importance of sleep,about the importance of
self-care, about the importanceof hormones, and and maybe we
can talk about some of that, youknow, in a couple of minutes.
So I think it starts with us.
And then I think that we haveto remember that discipline
comes from the word disciple,which means to teach, and so
(20:58):
discipline does not mean punish.
Discipline does not mean imposea negative consequence every
time your child makes a mistake.
It means to teach and guide.
And so, if we can stop puttingthe problem in between us, the
problem in between parent andchild and instead come alongside
(21:19):
our child and say hey, this isa problem that we need to solve.
Let's talk about how we can dothat, because if we don't, then
they're not going to learn howto problem solve later on, when
we're not standing next to them.
Holly Swenson (21:34):
Absolutely.
I love what you have to say too.
I think.
I think it's right on and Ilove that, you know, I think
also the imagery of reallyguiding your child, like hand in
hand you're, you're walkingthis journey together, but you
do need to be that guiding light.
You have to kind of have thatpresence for them so they know
that you've got them, thatthey're not leading the helm,
(21:55):
you know.
They need that, I think, thatpresence.
So I love what you have to sayas well.
Sandy Zamalis (22:00):
Holly, I think that's a good segue into your
fifth right, so let's jump in onthat one.
Holly Swenson (22:05):
Yeah, let's wrap it.
So the fifth right is the rightuse of love, and this is by far
my favorite right.
I think that love is the curefor all that ails us parenting
and beyond and so I think thisright should be used as many
times a day, as you can aspireto.
You know, letting your childknow how much you love them and
are there for them will reallyjust help them grow and thrive
(22:28):
as human beings.
So you want to give your lovefreely and without expectation.
I think that your child willlikely mirror that love that you
give them.
But even if they don't, as theyget older, you know, maybe
during the teen years, um, thatlove is being felt and it is
being received.
Even if it's not always beingreturned in the way you hope it
(22:48):
might be, it's making adifference.
So, um, I think that you wantto lean on love as much as
possible.
Dr. Amy Moore (22:56):
I love that.
So I actually have a signbehind me.
I know most if you're notlistening.
If you're listening, you can'tsee it, but anyway it says love
you more.
And it's about you know, a fiveinch by three inch sign on my
bookshelf.
Well, my youngest bought thisfor me because I put a very
large version of this on hiswall when he was super young and
(23:20):
so and we constantly had the Ilove you more, no, I love you
more, kind of fun conversation,you know as much as we could.
And then at 16, he actuallybought me my own version.
So when you said, sometimesyour child will mirror that
expression, that's exactly whatI saw, you know happen in my
(23:41):
relationship and I think thateven if we're uncomfortable
expressing that in the beginning, we create new neural pathways.
The more times we share it, themore times we say it, and then
it becomes comfortable and itbecomes natural right.
Holly Swenson (23:58):
Totally.
I love that story, that's sosweet.
Sandy Zamalis (24:10):
So, holly, let's take a quick back step into that
intent.
Right In your book, in the stopsection of your book, you talk
about that reaction versusresponse and you and you kind of
alluded to it a little bit, butyou also took the opportunity
to then also address divorce andjust that reactionary cycle,
that cycle of dysfunction.
Let's step into that a littlebit, because that reactivity,
(24:34):
that reaction, can become a wayof life.
And I, you know, I it'sinteresting to me that you're a
nurse and you have a nursenursing background.
I have a lot of nursing friendsand a lot of them have gotten
into the like some sort ofmindfulness or something, and I
think it stems from that nursingas well, because a lot of it is
reactionary, it's kind of takesover.
(24:56):
And then my friends I don'tknow if this has been your
experience, holly, but myfriends experienced burnout and
so they had to do a lot ofrecovery to get out of that
reactionary cycle.
So let's talk about that alittle bit from that divorce
perspective and that cycle ofdysfunction and kind of how to
help guide through that.
Holly Swenson (25:16):
Yeah, well, I mean, I think you know divorce
is something that a lot ofpeople experience A lot of.
A lot of couples are goingthrough a lot of children are
are living through I was thechild of divorce, you know, and
so it's a very prevalent issuein our, our country and in our
world.
And I really wanted to speak tothis because I think so many
(25:38):
people are living in areactionary state, whether
you're married or not.
I mean, we're not taught how tobe responsive, we're taught,
we're taught really to bereactionary, and I think it's
really doing us a disservice, um, as a collective um, and and in
marriages, uh, you know, inlife, um, because you're not
(25:58):
regulating, you know you're,we're kind of just thinking
about ourselves all the time andwe're not really thinking
necessarily about, you know,we're not always thinking about
how that's landing for somebodyelse, and so I think there's a
huge, there's a huge differencebetween reaction, response, and
learning to distinguish betweenthe two is going to help you
navigate life, whether it'sparenthood or if you're
(26:21):
navigating divorce, or hopefullyyou can, you know, make healthy
changes that might prevent youwalking down that path of
divorce, right, you know?
And if you are going throughthat, that maybe you can weave
some more consciousness intothat so that you know you know
the famous saying of theunconscious what is it?
(26:42):
Conscious uncoupling.
You know where you really are.
Just you're more thoughtfulwith how you are unraveling your
relationship.
So if that's what you're facedwith, that you're doing it with
more care so that you're.
I think it feels better forboth of you, the mother, the
father, the whoever, whoever'sin the in the relationship.
But it also feels better forthe children because they're,
(27:03):
they're seeing parents who canregulate their emotions and and
work on difficult life momentswith with more, with more
compassion.
And so I think, ultimately,when you can respond in life,
it's going to make a hugedifference.
And I think, if you don't mind,I would love to kind of
distinguish between reaction andresponse.
Yes, please, just to make it alittle more clear.
(27:26):
So with reaction, it'sinstinctual, so it's an easy
thing to ignite when you'reraising your kids.
It's what's waiting.
You know kids and with divorce,it's what's there waiting for
you, and I think it's an easygo-to.
And so the problem with reactionis that it's typically not
thought out or really veryhelpful when it comes to
(27:48):
redirecting what's in front ofyou.
It's immediate, it's notmindful.
You're oftentimes shootingright back to your.
You know your child or yourspouse.
You know what they're offeringyou, and so the reality is that
you, you get to make a decisionon whether or not you join in
their emotional tornado.
So I think that when you canrise above, when you can
(28:08):
maintain your calm and not joinyou, you're creating a softer
place to land for yourself.
It's good for you and it'sactually good for them too.
So I think the problem is thatparents or spouses don't always
have a luxury to really thinkabout how to optimally reply to
(28:29):
a request and action.
If you're both stressed and inthat moment of feeling
overwhelmed, you know people aresaying things they don't really
mean, or they're settingconsequences or they're, you
know, kind of flying off thehandle.
So if your typical approach isis you're kind of reacting all
over the place, you know, try toget quiet.
If it's with your kid, maybegive them a hug, if the
situation allows and isappropriate.
(28:50):
You know.
If it's with your spouse, youknow maybe just look them in the
eye and say I'm really sorry.
You know, can we, can we trythat again?
You know, and and I just think,extending some humanity.
I think we aren't extendingenough humanity to each other
and I think there's room forimprovement there.
And then, when we're talkingabout response, response is
(29:10):
really more considerate andthoughtful in nature.
So you're stopping, you'reprocessing before you're opening
your mouth, and this is a gamechanger.
You know, response takes morework, it takes more patience, I
think, both with yourself andwith your, your children or your
spouse.
But when you remember torespond, it's, it's allowing you
to process, remembering yourmanners, your intention and your
(29:34):
leadership skills, whether it's, you know again, as a parent or
with your spouse.
And I think that you know tokind of wrap this, it's like
responding allows you to moveforward in a healthy and dynamic
way.
You're improving your socialskills, you're allowing for more
self-awareness, self-regulationand empathy.
(29:55):
And so you, you know you'rereally going to deepen your
connection with all familymembers, and I just think you
know you're really going todeepen your connection with your
, with all family members, and Ijust think that there's a huge
win when you can remember torespond, you know, and make try
to make reparations instead ofdivision.
We need, we need to just, Ithink, extend that humanity and
take better care of each otheris what it comes down to and
(30:19):
take better care of each otheris what it comes down to.
Dr. Amy Moore (30:22):
Yeah, I really love that explanation.
You know I work with couples asa counselor and so you know
talk a lot about the importanceof curiosity and compassion and
grace and flexibility, and so Ithink that you know, going back
to the conversation we hadearlier about repairing, when we
have reacted, when we have saidthings that we didn't mean to
(30:45):
say or because we weren'tintentional in our responses,
that we can go back and say Ireally wish I hadn't said that,
I'm so sorry that I said it thatway.
Can we talk about this?
Hey, again, this problem, let'snot put it between us, let's
solve it together.
I think if we took thatapproach with every relationship
(31:06):
, then we would have less repairwork to do, because our
relationships would be strongerand more loving and caring and
warm and compassionate.
Maybe we wouldn't see as muchdivorce.
Maybe we wouldn't see as muchdissension between parents and
children.
Maybe we wouldn't see as muchdivorce.
Maybe we wouldn't see as muchdissension between parents and
children.
We maybe wouldn't rupture asmany friendships.
Holly Swenson (31:25):
Absolutely 100% yeah.
Sandy Zamalis (31:28):
Do you guys have phrases or um things that you
would recommend practicing?
Saying um, for example, uh, ifyour kids come and they've
triggered something with you, doyou recommend just pausing
before you speak?
Is there a phrase that youmight use to say, like you know
what?
I think I need to think aboutthat for a second.
(31:49):
I'll get back to you in fiveminutes.
You know just something so thatyou can break this reactionary
cycle just something so that youcould break this reactionary
cycle.
Holly Swenson (32:01):
So one thing that I I talk about my book is, um,
what I loved my, when my kidswere little, they watched, uh,
they watched something calledDaniel tiger um, daniel tiger's
neighborhood, I think, is whatit was titled, and there's a
phrase in there that I justabsolutely loved, um.
And it says when you feel somad that you want to roar, take
a deep breath and count to four.
And what I liked about that isit's like it can apply to you as
(32:22):
a parent, or you can share thatwith your kids because it's
applicable to them and itresonates.
And so I, you know, I thinkthat it's just a healthy thing
to remember.
Like, oh, wow, that reallybrought you know, you're feeling
fire in your belly.
Like pause, that's like yourfirst, like red flag of, like
okay, I need to, I need to stopfor just a second before I step
(32:42):
into whatever's right in frontof me.
So I think that's that's whereI'll go with that one.
Dr. Amy Moore (32:47):
Yeah, and I think that, again, getting back to
mindfulness and breathingexercises and grounding
exercises, and when those havebecome part of our daily rituals
and we recognize the need touse those and we teach our kids
to use those.
You know, I think I shared thisexample a few episodes ago, but
(33:07):
you know I've taught my kidshow to vibrate their vagus nerve
when they've becomedysregulated, you know, by
exhaling while saying the wordvoo, so it's we call it voo
breathing.
Anyway, I was visiblydysregulated a few weeks ago and
my 19 year old walked past meand he went hey, mom, right,
(33:31):
like he just prompted me, right,like you've got to press the
brakes on that.
You know, sympathetic nervoussystem, fight, flight or freeze
response.
When we give our kids thosetools as part of our daily
(34:06):
activities and our dailyinteractions and part of our
discipling and teaching them,you know how do you manage those
big emotions?
Then I think they mirror that.
Was that the question?
I think I got off track there.
Sandy Zamalis (34:21):
No, that was good .
My favorite one it's a ChrisVoss one.
I don't know if either of youhave read Chris Voss at all, but
he has a book called NeverSplit the Difference.
But his favorite tactic when hewould deal with kidnapping like
kidnapping situations orsomething that, with something
like that he would use the latenight DJ voice and it actually
(34:44):
works really well in allscenarios because it hits the
vagus nerve.
It gets you in that lower toneand so you have to just really
get low with your voice, butit's calming to you.
So, like whenever I'm in asituation where I feel like the
energy is ratcheted up and I'mgetting a little too agitated,
(35:06):
if I can tap into that latenight DJ voice I can mirror the
calm that I want and I usuallyget that back, which has been
really helpful for me.
Dr. Amy Moore (35:17):
I love that, yeah , and so there there's this
brilliant psychologist, dr TegMcBride, who actually trained me
in stress management formilitary actually, so I led
stress management workshops formilitary.
Anyway, he talked about thepower, some self-talk phrase
(36:00):
like you're saying, sandy, thenwe can lower the temperature on
a potential reaction, and sothat's the one that I've always
used and then continue to teach.
Few things in life are terrible, horrible or awful.
Most are just uncomfortable orinconvenient.
Holly Swenson (36:17):
I really like that.
I also think, too, like for me,like what's coming up when you
say that is like you know, whenyou have these hard moments, I
always like remind myself thatthose obstacles or those
challenging things that areshowing up in your life are
really your teachers.
So I think when you can partnerwith them and make them your
ally, it really can help you togrow.
And I, you know, and the other,like famous phrase of like, the
(36:39):
only way around is through.
You know.
So, getting through these, likeyou know, intense periods in
life, you know, whether it'sparenting or work or whatever it
is, I think you can remindyourself like you're, you're
exactly where you're meant to be, and and and whether you're
being faced with something thatfeels joyful or challenging,
just keep going.
You know, right throughwhatever it is you're being
(37:00):
asked to do For me, that helpsme in, you know, no matter what
I'm faced with, but especiallythose challenging moments in
life.
Dr. Amy Moore (37:09):
Exactly All right , so we need to take a break.
Let Sandy read a word from oursponsor, and when we come back,
I want to talk a little bitabout self-care and how we can
work on some strategies forinfusing that into our daily
routines as moms when we comeback.
Sandy Zamalis (37:25):
Are you concerned about your child's reading or
spelling performance?
Are you worried your child'sreading curriculum isn't
thorough enough?
Well, most learning strugglesaren't the results of poor
curriculum or instruction.
They're typically caused byhaving foundational cognitive
skills that need to bestrengthened Skills like
attention, memory and processingspeed.
Learningrx cognitive skillstraining programs are designed
(37:48):
to target and strengthen thoseunderlying skills that we rely
on for reading, spelling,writing and learning.
Learningrx can help youidentify which skills may be
keeping your child fromperforming their best.
In fact, we've worked with morethan 125,000 children and
adults who wanted to think andperform better.
Learningrx would like to helpyou get your child on the path
(38:11):
to a brighter and more confidentfuture.
Give LearningRx a call at866-BRAIN-01 or visit
LearningRxcom and visit our shownotes for some free resources.
Dr. Amy Moore (38:23):
Okay, so we are continuing our conversation with
Holly Swenson.
And so, holly, you talk aboutthe importance of self-care for
moms and that can be a term thatreally creates anxiety and
stress to hear for some momsright, I don't have time for
self-care, I'm trying to raisethree or four kids, I'm busy,
(38:44):
I'm working right.
Three or four kids, I'm busy,I'm working Right.
So self-care, right, thethought of trying to take care
of yourself creates more stressand the bigger need to take care
of yourself.
But you talk about in your bookthat it doesn't have to be this
big.
You know monthly ordeal, thatyou know there are ways to
integrate self-care in our dailyroutines.
(39:06):
Could you share a few of thoseideas?
Holly Swenson (39:08):
Absolutely so.
Self-care.
I daily routines.
Could you share a few of thoseideas?
Absolutely so, self-care Ithink that's one of the biggest
things that I learned as aparent, that I have to make time
for, and I make time forself-care every day, and I think
this is what I encourage otherpeople to consider.
And it can be five minutes.
Maybe you're only givingyourself five minutes a day, but
when you make time to take careof your heart and your wellness
(39:29):
, you know whether it's, whetherit's breathing, maybe it's.
You know, if you're like one ofthose parents who says you
don't have any time, you knowmaybe it's after you drop your
kids off at school and you'resitting in your car and you just
have a minute to like breathe,get intentional, just sit there
and give yourself a minute toreset.
You know, but?
But I think what I, what Iwould also encourage for parents
and for people who are feelingtoo busy and too swamped to take
(39:51):
self-care on is is microdoseyour self-care and that's, and
so what I mean by that is dolots of.
I like to get up in the morningand, um, you know, I have a
meditation practice, so I liketo sit for maybe it's, maybe
it's five, five to 20 minutes,depending on what my morning is
(40:19):
looking like.
Maybe it's longer on other days, but I'll give myself that time
to kind of get grounded, tofeel grateful, to just practice,
um, kind of calming my, mysystem.
And then I'll get up and, youknow, maybe I'm making breakfast
for the kids and I'll put somecalm music on.
So you can, you can, you canadd music, you can add
aromatherapy, um, when you drinkyour tea or coffee, whatever
you like, you know, make thatfeel like a ritual, like
(40:40):
something you're giving yourself.
Um, uh, you know, and, and so Ithink self-care it doesn't just
have to be getting a massageonce a month or once every six
months.
I think there's this element ofselfishness that has been
attached to self-care that weneed to unravel, because the
reality is, when you take careof yourself, you're going to be
(41:01):
much better able to serve othersin your life.
And so, truly, if you hearnothing else that I say today,
self-care is like the mostimportant thing you can do for
yourself, and, and it doesn'thave to be big, it doesn't have
to be long, but you have to dosomething to take care of
yourself.
And I also think I, you know, Ithink of self-care in different
(41:23):
ways, besides just thetraditional, I think, ways that
people think of self-care.
I mean I talk about, likecontinuing to dream, like that
is a form of self-care.
Using humor in your life,continuing to learn, getting in
the water, date nights, you know, maybe with your significant
other, like those are all forms.
Maybe it's calling a friend youhaven't talked to in a long
(41:43):
time.
There are lots of differentways to practice self-care and
and so I think when you start tothink about that, activate it.
Maybe it's an out quotes.
You could have quotes on yourfridge, something that, when you
see it, triggers some like afeel good.
You know something that makesyou feel good, it makes you feel
supported in your everyday.
So micro dose your wellness.
(42:04):
That that's what I would,that's what I would say to to
people who feel too busy.
Micro dose your wellness.
Sandy Zamalis (42:08):
That that's what I would.
That's what I would say topeople who feel too busy.
I love that term.
Yeah, On your Instagram you hadactually I think it was your
Instagram you had even talkedabout play, like incorporating
play, and how important that isas self-care, and I love that
too.
Holly Swenson (42:20):
Yeah, and so there's yeah.
Just I would say think big,think broad and start small.
Dr. Amy Moore (42:27):
Don overwhelm yourself and I think that, like
if we can learn um theimportance of being fully
present, um and mindful, then itbecomes a form of self-care,
for me at least I, when I holdmy hot mug of coffee in the
morning and can think about thattactile experience, what that
(42:51):
feels like to warm my handssimply by holding that warm mug
of coffee, that to me is a formof self-care, right.
Choosing what tea I'm going tohave at bedtime, right, is a
form of self-care, right,because then I can smell it
again.
That warm mug I'm going to haveat bedtime, right, is a form of
self-care, right, because thenI can smell it again, that warm
(43:12):
mug.
I'm really tactile.
So to hold that warm mug in theevening, it's kind of like I
bookend my day, right.
Warm mug of coffee in themorning, warm mug of tea in the
evening to me feels like I'vecared for myself.
Holly Swenson (43:27):
Yes, 100%, yeah, and that's it.
Yeah, and, like I said, it canbe simple.
It can be putting oil on yourfeet before you go to bed.
You know just small littlethings, but when you take care
of yourself in that way, itmakes a huge difference in how
you feel.
I love that.
Sandy Zamalis (43:42):
Holly, we're getting close to the end of time
, so what have you not gotten toshare today that you would like
to leave our listeners with?
Holly Swenson (43:50):
You know, I think that I will just say making
time.
You know, we just spoke aboutself-care and like that is like
one of my biggest things I wantto drive home to, to parents
everywhere and people.
I mean, I think, whether you'rea parent or not, self-care is
something that we do leave outso much.
(44:10):
And you look at the rates ofdepression, anxiety that are
prevalent in our country, and soI think, for me, I think you
have to ask yourself, you know,do I want to live with intention
?
Do I want to live with joy?
Do I want to live with wellness?
You know this is a consciouschoice you make daily.
You know you're the oneresponsible for navigating your
(44:31):
life and you know this isultimately on you.
So I think you have to own itand work for it and be grateful
every day.
You know being here and beingalive is a gift and you have to
prioritize your wellness totruly thrive.
Dr. Amy Moore (44:49):
I think that's where I'll wrap.
I love that, holly Swenson,thank you so much for being with
us today and sharing yourknowledge and experience with
our listeners.
Listeners, you can reach Hollyat liveyourglowlive.
She's on Instagram at HollySwenson underscore liveyourglow,
and actually if you visit herwebsite, you can sign up for her
newsletter and read her blog,and then, of course, we'll put a
(45:12):
link to get her book as well inthe show notes.
So thank you so much forlistening today.
If you like us, we would love itif you would find us on social
media.
We are at the brainy moms onevery social media platform.
Do that now, before you forget.
If you liked our show, we wouldlove it if you would leave us a
five-star rating and review onApple Podcasts so we can reach
(45:33):
more smart parents like you.
If you'd rather see our faces,you can subscribe to our YouTube
channel at the Brainy Moms.
And if you want to see more ofSandy and see what cognitive
training looks like learn moreabout learning struggles and how
cognitive skills training canhelp with that you can find her
on TikTok at thebraintrainerlady.
(45:53):
That is all the smart stuffthat we have for you today, so
we're going to catch you nexttime.
Hi, smart moms and dads.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Brainy Moms podcast, brought
to you today by LearningRxCognitive Training Centers.
I'm your host, dr Amy Moore,I'm joined by my co-host, sandy
Zimalis, and we are excited tobring you a conversation with
our guest today, holly Swenson.
Holly is an award-winning andbest-selling author on the rise
and on a mission to bring morewellness, joy and intentionality
(00:25):
to parenting and beyond.
In addition to being an author,she's also a nurse, a wellness
blogger, a mother to fourincredible sons and a perpetual
student of life.
She's here to talk to us aboutsome concepts from her new book
Stop, drop, grow and Glow.
Welcome, holly.
Holly Swenson (00:45):
Thank you so much for having me this morning.
It's really a pleasure toconnect with both of you.
Sandy Zamalis (00:50):
We're so glad you're here.
So whenever we have authors on,we always want to know the
story behind the story.
So share with us, share withour listeners, how you got into
the conscious parenting spaceand kind of where that passion
started.
Holly Swenson (01:04):
Sure.
So, you know, the biggestpremise was was me walking the
path of parenthood.
You know, we have four children, four boys, and I've had to
learn a lot of things, you know,as the path has unfolded.
And so, for me, I really wantedto create a framework and
provide tools for parents sothat they can activate more
(01:24):
wellness in their life, becauseI think it's an area that so
many people need support with.
You know, parenting is anextended season and so I think
you need to do what it takes totake care of you so that you
optimally can take care of yourkids, and so that, really, for
me, was the premise, and I hadwanted to write for a long time
and I kind of kept putting itoff, but then I made time and I
(01:47):
sat down and just got after itand it's been the best decision
I've ever made.
Dr. Amy Moore (01:52):
I love that, and I think that it's more authentic
when we can speak and writeabout things that were so
passionate, that come from awealth of our own experiences,
those aha moments, right asparents, as moms, when we go, oh
, I should put that in a book,right.
(02:12):
And so I actually had afriend's mom growing up who
every time we would have aninteresting conversation, she
would say I'm putting that in mybook, I'm putting that in my
book, and it would be crazystuff, stuff you would never
want in a book, right.
But I always wondered whateverhappened to those.
I should put that in a book oneday, ideas.
And so it sounds like you goton it pretty quickly.
Holly Swenson (02:36):
Absolutely no, I think.
Like I said, I think taking youknow what my lived experience,
what I witnessed in the world,and also I married a little bit
of my nursing background into my, into my work, you know as well
.
So it's it's got some funlayers in there and, I think, a
lot of applicable stuff that canhelp people really start to
thrive.
That's, that's the ultimategoal.
Dr. Amy Moore (02:55):
Absolutely All right.
So, speaking of your nursingbackground, you took that
classic five rights ofmedication administration right,
right root, right dose, rightperson I'm missing a couple, but
you took that idea of the fiverights of medication that all
nurses are trained in and youadapted that to a five rights of
(03:17):
parenting.
And by rights it doesn't meanwhat is my right to do something
, but what we should do right asparents, right.
Talk a little bit about those.
Holly Swenson (03:27):
Yeah.
So the five rights of parentingare really designed to be a
quick way to touch base withyourself on how you're
presenting as a parent andreally they ensure you're doing
the right thing and not causingunnecessary harm to your child
or yourself in the process ofparenting.
So really think of these rightsas supportive parenting
(03:47):
protocol.
Okay, so it's.
It's just really a way that youcan touch base with your own
heart on how things are going.
So the first one is is right now, and this one is about being in
the moment with your child andbeing present.
You know, not texting, notworking on three different
things while your child needsyou, but but when you show up,
(04:09):
you're really showing up andbeing all in, and.
And the reality is like, if youcan't put aside what you're
doing because for so many of usit's like, hey, I'm really in
the middle of something and Ican't step away right, this
second that you, you know, maybeyou give your child a hug or
you set a time like maybe it's10 minutes, maybe it's a half an
hour that you can beintentional, so that they know
(04:29):
that you see them, so they feelseen, heard, valued, and it
allows you to wrap what you'redoing, but that it also is
helping you be more present inyour own parenting, Because I
think that when it comes toparenting, there are no repeats.
Time is ever fleeting, and soyou really want to maximize that
time that you have and live inthe moment as often as possible.
(04:50):
So that's the first one.
Dr. Amy Moore (04:52):
So I think it's important, like when we make
that decision, to say, okay, ifmy child walks into the room and
I'm on my phone, I'm going toput down my phone and be present
with my child, but we have todo it in a way that doesn't look
like we're annoyed that we haveto put down our phone, right,
like we have to be reallycareful about our body language
(05:13):
and our facial expression andnot just our intent.
Holly Swenson (05:16):
Sure, absolutely.
Yeah, it's a whole, it's awhole package.
So, yeah, so, and I think you,you know the reality and I think
think we are.
We're all like masters ofdistraction.
You know.
People are living so distractedum, and we're all multitasking,
and especially parents, whereyou have a lot of hats you're
wearing.
So it's.
Sandy Zamalis (05:32):
it's a hard thing to remember, but but as often
as you can remember it, itreally will shift dynamics in
your home um, this is a goodthing to model right, like
you're just modeling that forthem, because you want them to
grow up with those same skillsas technology starts to invade
their world more and more.
Holly Swenson (05:51):
Yeah, role modeling is huge.
I totally agree.
The second right is the rightintent, and so I think that you
want to be intentional with thechoices you make, the guidelines
you set and how you're treatingyour child.
You know, if you don't know whyyou're doing what you're doing,
it might be time to reevaluateyour parenting strategy.
You know, if you're just simplydoing what, you know what was
(06:12):
passed down to you but it didn'treally feel good to you in your
childhood but you're kind ofunconsciously passing on, you
know, some of these elements tothe next generation.
You might just touch base withyourself on on you know if there
might not be a better way to topractice.
You know parenting because itis a practice.
It's always evolving, but Ithink that you just want to wake
(06:36):
up more in your own life and bemore intentional with why
you're doing what you're doing.
So so the second one is justreally kind of checking yourself
and checking in and and andseeing if there's anything that
might need some shifting.
Dr. Amy Moore (06:50):
So because your parents did it that way might
not be the best reason for youto do it that way is what I'm
hearing you say.
Holly Swenson (06:58):
Exactly, and you might've had great parents, and,
and, then, and, and.
If that's the case, then thenyes, pass on what you learned
because it worked and it waseffective and it felt good.
But if it wasn't, if you didn'thave that, then maybe consider
shifting some of thosegenerational patternings.
Sandy Zamalis (07:15):
Yeah, don't be afraid to be your own person too
, like my daughter, my mydaughter clocked me one time.
She told me I am not you Right.
So, like having that discussionof you, know it's okay for them
to find their way.
And then, as you as a parent,you're allowed to find your way
(07:35):
of what parenting strategieswork for you, because even if
your parents were wonderfulparents, those strategies might
not work for you.
So you have to find thosethings that do.
Holly Swenson (07:47):
Well, I think you bring up a good point.
You know your children comefrom you, but ultimately they
are their own people.
And sometimes it's hard to letgo of what you think they should
be doing and what they actuallywant to be doing, because they
have their own.
They should have their ownownership and autonomy, and I
think it's important to remindyourself of that.
It's hard, you know, whenthey're little they kind of go
(08:09):
along with whatever you, mom ordad say, but as they get older
they really want to step intobeing more of who, who they want
to be.
So giving them some of some ofthat freedom when it's
appropriate it's, it's healthy.
Dr. Amy Moore (08:16):
So so, when you are thinking about being
intentional in the parentingdecisions that you're making,
what is your advice on the typesof things that parents should
consider Right, so like, okay,as I make this decision and I'm
being intentional about thisprocess or the decision that I'm
making, what should theyconsider?
Holly Swenson (08:37):
Well, I think, like, for me, what like comes to
mind when you ask this question?
It's more like, um, you know,and this is something we will
talk about a little bit laterbut like reacting.
So you know, like, maybe yourkids having, you know, tantrum,
if they're younger, or orthey're you're getting a lot of
pushback as they get older andthey're, you know, teens and
they're they're wanting morefreedom, or you know you're
clashing.
(08:57):
You know, how are you steppinginto the?
How are you stepping into thosemoments?
Are you, are you reacting?
Are you?
Are you triggered?
Are you?
You know?
So those moments areopportunities to you know, say,
like, take a deep breath, um,pause before you open your mouth
, because it's hard when, whenyou're being triggered,
(09:17):
triggered and you start todysregulate yourself.
So I like to me that's what'scoming to mind as an opportunity
to be the leader, to practiceyour calm, because I think that
that's actually far harder thanit is to be triggered and kind
of get sucked into theirmeltdown or whatever crisis
(09:37):
they're feeling in that moment.
So to me, that's a greatopportunity to be more
intentional with how you'releading and how you're role
modeling.
Dr. Amy Moore (09:47):
Yeah, because then you have to go back and do
repair work.
Absolutely yeah, and that's alot harder than taking a few
extra seconds at the front endof that conversation to regulate
yourself, so that then you canco-regulate with your child.
Holly Swenson (10:00):
And this is a perfect segue because the third
right is the right use of speechwith your child.
And this is a perfect seguebecause the third right is the
right use of speech and, um, youknow, I often will say that
your voice is a tool of creation, um, and so you really have the
power to uplift or tear down,uh, and I think that this can be
one of the toughest rights toimplement.
Um, so you want to speak withmindfulness and if you forget,
(10:20):
you want to apologize.
Like I really believe in thepower of apology.
I think that it's something thatshould be part of everyone's
practice because, as awesome ofa job as you might be doing,
you're going to have moments,you're going to have days,
you're going to have times thatyou need to make amends and you
need to repair, whether it'swith your kids or other family
(10:42):
members.
It's just an important thing tohave in your back pocket, to
pull out and use, to uh, torepair anything that might need
a reparation.
Uh, and the reality is thatwe're all, we're all human.
You know we're not, we're notperfect.
So, um, remembering toapologize when it's appropriate.
Dr. Amy Moore (10:59):
Yeah, I think that sends a really strong
message to your child that youlove them enough to be
vulnerable in the moment to walkit back.
And then, what a great way tomodel what it looks like to walk
back those words, where, ifwe're being intentional in the
(11:21):
first place, hopefully thosehurtful words don't come out in
the first place.
But, like you said, we arehuman and we do get triggered or
we do get dysregulated, andsometimes things just come
flying out of our mouth becauseit's what, it's the first thing
that pops into our mind, right,and so we say it without
thinking of the consequencesthat those words could have.
(11:41):
And so to be able to go, oh, Ireally wish I hadn't said that.
I'm so sorry, you know, this is, this is how I really want this
conversation to to go.
Holly Swenson (11:52):
That's right?
Absolutely no, and I think youhave different things that
impact the way you feel, too,and the way you show up.
You know, like, did you getenough sleep?
How maxed out are you at work,or you know, or the home front,
you know.
So you have a lot of thingsthat can impact the way you show
up.
So be you know, practice, gracewith yourself too.
The fourth right is the rightuse of power, and I think that
(12:14):
you really want to wield yourpower with care.
You're the one responsible forsetting boundaries, discipline,
and you ultimately have thefinal say on, you know, issues
that are going to arise.
You know, during those 18 years, that you're blessed to have
your kids under your roof.
So I think it's important tonot abuse this power and be
intentional in the frameworkthat you set for your child.
(12:36):
So this one, again, is justmaking sure that you are, you're
stepping into the power thatyou carry as a parent with, with
love, with intentionality,which we've already kind of
spoke about, but that you are,that you're mindful of how
you're, how you're, you're, youknow, you disciplining and
boundary setting.
Dr. Amy Moore (12:56):
And so what does that abuse of power as a parent
look like?
What does it sound like?
Holly Swenson (13:01):
Well, I just I think when you are, you know we
kind of just spoke about likedysregulating if you are not
able to control your emotionalstate and you're taking it too
far and parents know what thatyou know like.
If you are, you know if you'reyelling a lot, if you're, you
know, feeling like you have tobe physical, that like those are
major red flags to like whoa,you need to like slow down, take
a step back and and checkyourself, and so I think you
(13:26):
know, or if you feel like you'rejust being triggered like
nonstop, you know you need tocheck in and maybe you get
professional help, maybe youseek somebody who can help you
have some, some parenting skillsso that when you are in those
moments that feel reallyoverwhelming, moments that feel
(13:47):
really overwhelming, you havesome tools to help you navigate
those moments with a little morecalm and a little more
compassion.
You know, because it's hard,like I said, it's hard, I think,
as a parent, when you aretasked with you're raising
another human being, right, andyou have a lot of asks thrown on
top of it.
So so I think, for people,parents are just overwhelmed.
I think so many parents areoverwhelmed and they're stressed
(14:07):
, and that's where I thinkpeople don't always show up the
way they mean to, and so it'schecking yourself, it's having
cultivating more self-awarenessof like, wow, I really haven't
been showing up.
In a way, that's very nice.
How can I shift gears and andand change this?
Dr. Amy Moore (14:24):
How can I shift gears and change this?
Do you think that that powerdifferential between parent and
child has changed in the lastgeneration?
You know, when we think back toour parents' generation, right,
the parent was in charge, right, and so the child did what the
parent said.
But then I saw this pendulumswing in the exact opposite
(14:46):
direction, where parents thendecided well, I'm going to be
best friends with my child andso we're going to just be
partners in this process.
And it's my opinion that thatpendulum swung too far into that
direction, because ultimately,the parent is the adult.
The parent is the one thatneeds to coach and mentor and
(15:08):
guide.
And so how do you find thathappy middle somewhere between
wearing the t-shirt that saysbecause I said so or because I'm
the parent or the anything goesapproach, because I want my
child to be my best friend.
Holly Swenson (15:24):
Yeah, no, I think you bring up a really good
point and I think you knowyou're absolutely right.
It was very much a top-downapproach and then you know, I
think the reality is you need tostrike a balance Like I'm
really into balance, and so Idefinitely think being your
child's best friend is also notthe best approach.
I think they need a parent,they need boundaries, they need
(15:45):
guidelines.
They're going through a lot ofchanges and they need somebody
who is there to be not theirbest friend, but to be like a
guiding light.
I also believe in collaboration, though, and I do think that
you should make time to hearyour child out.
So I think that it's.
It's really about finding moreharmony in your home.
It's not about having it bewhatever your kids want it to be
(16:06):
is my, my feeling.
I think that they do need thatstructure, and structure
actually gives them more calm intheir life, because you know
you know as you know, you knowyoungsters or teens or whatever
they need they need that support.
They need somebody who can helpkind of guide them along, but
not be so heavy handed that itcrushes their spirit.
(16:27):
So I think it's it's hearingyou know, like you know, maybe
it's.
Maybe it's sports, you know,like if, if you know you're
doing baseball because I said so, like that might not be the
best way to navigate that, likeask your child, you know what
sport are you into and maybeit's not sports at all, but but
you know so.
So hear what your child wants todo, where their passions lie.
(16:47):
It's not a permission slip tolike get out of doing whatever
you know doing nothing, but Ithink it's also an opportunity
to to get to know your child, tohelp support them and say you
know I want, you know you knowyou need to, you need to partner
with things in life that willhelp you stay healthy and fit.
(17:08):
Or, you know, maybe it's art,maybe whatever it is helping
them have some ownership ofactivities.
Like that's just an example,you know.
I think that's a great place tostart of giving them more of a
say, but not the final say, onyou know, some of the bigger
issues of giving them more of asay, but not the final say on
you know some of the biggerissues.
Sandy Zamalis (17:30):
So I kind of feel like both ends of those
spectrums have the same likeroot issue, which is inability
to deal with conflict.
Right, you're dealing it withwith power, or you're dealing
with it by just avoiding italtogether.
And so, dr Amy, maybe you wantto chime in on this too what
would be your recommendations,both of you, for helping someone
learn how to manage conflict?
Because that, I think, is kindof the root of the issue,
(17:52):
because wherever you are, youfeel out of control.
So here you are presented witha conflict that you're not sure
quite how to manage it or handleit, so you're going to swing
one way or the other.
What are some tools orrecommendations that both of you
would have for dealing withconflict?
Dr. Amy Moore (18:10):
I'll let you go first, Holly.
Holly Swenson (18:12):
Well, I think, for me, I, what I will share is,
you know, I created a frameworkto help people.
I think you know whether it'sconflict or just you know more
self-awareness.
But my Stop, drop, grow andGlow framework, really I think
you know whether it's conflictor just you know more
self-awareness, but my stop,drop, grow and grow and glow
framework, really I think helpspeople to find more balance in
their life.
And so, whether you're dealingwith extremes, which I think a
(18:32):
lot of people are, you're kindof in one extreme category or
the other, like bringing it allback to the mid, the midline,
because I think that's where youfind more happiness, more joy,
more wellness.
I think when you're living inextreme states, it's just, it's
exhausting and you you end upliving in fight or flight.
That you know that mode of like,you're just chronically
stressed, and when you're inthat space, you you face burnout
(18:55):
and it's stressful to you, it'salso stressful to your children
.
So so for me, I always say, likeyou know, not to go through all
of my, my framework points, butlike for for stop, it's really
stopping and doing someself-assessment and reflection
on where you are today, doingsome internal gazing on things
that are going well as well asthings that aren't, and I think,
(19:17):
just cultivating thatself-awareness, that curiosity
and consciousness on yourjourney of you know how your
parenting life is going, howyour personal life is going,
because I also think it's reallyimportant that you nurture both
just because you become aparent doesn't mean you
shouldn't take care of who youare as an individual.
(19:40):
And the reality is, when youcare for both of those in terms
of like, whether you're dealingwith conflict or extremes, if
you you can, if you can tend toyour whole self in a way that's
intentional, I think some ofthat extreme stuff that you
mentioned will start to softenyeah, I love, I love everything
that you just said, and I thinkwe could probably do a whole
episode on your question, sandyand I, because it was sorry,
(20:04):
because it was a phenomenalquestion, and so I think that we
have to look at what is thatfear stemming from?
Dr. Amy Moore (20:15):
Is that fear of conflict, this fear that if I
push back, will my child notlove me?
Because a lot of times thathappens.
And so then I think it allbegins with us.
It begins with our ability toregulate our emotions.
It begins with our ability totake care of our physical needs,
(20:36):
and I think Holly talks aboutthis in her book, you know,
about the importance of sleep,about the importance of
self-care, about the importanceof hormones, and and maybe we
can talk about some of that, youknow, in a couple of minutes.
So I think it starts with us.
And then I think that we haveto remember that discipline
comes from the word disciple,which means to teach, and so
(20:58):
discipline does not mean punish.
Discipline does not mean imposea negative consequence every
time your child makes a mistake.
It means to teach and guide.
And so, if we can stop puttingthe problem in between us, the
problem in between parent andchild and instead come alongside
(21:19):
our child and say hey, this isa problem that we need to solve.
Let's talk about how we can dothat, because if we don't, then
they're not going to learn howto problem solve later on, when
we're not standing next to them.
Holly Swenson (21:34):
Absolutely.
I love what you have to say too.
I think.
I think it's right on and Ilove that, you know, I think
also the imagery of reallyguiding your child, like hand in
hand you're, you're walkingthis journey together, but you
do need to be that guiding light.
You have to kind of have thatpresence for them so they know
that you've got them, thatthey're not leading the helm,
(21:55):
you know.
They need that, I think, thatpresence.
So I love what you have to sayas well.
Sandy Zamalis (22:00):
Holly, I think that's a good segue into your
fifth right, so let's jump in onthat one.
Holly Swenson (22:05):
Yeah, let's wrap it.
So the fifth right is the rightuse of love, and this is by far
my favorite right.
I think that love is the curefor all that ails us parenting
and beyond and so I think thisright should be used as many
times a day, as you can aspireto.
You know, letting your childknow how much you love them and
are there for them will reallyjust help them grow and thrive
(22:28):
as human beings.
So you want to give your lovefreely and without expectation.
I think that your child willlikely mirror that love that you
give them.
But even if they don't, as theyget older, you know, maybe
during the teen years, um, thatlove is being felt and it is
being received.
Even if it's not always beingreturned in the way you hope it
(22:48):
might be, it's making adifference.
So, um, I think that you wantto lean on love as much as
possible.
Dr. Amy Moore (22:56):
I love that.
So I actually have a signbehind me.
I know most if you're notlistening.
If you're listening, you can'tsee it, but anyway it says love
you more.
And it's about you know, a fiveinch by three inch sign on my
bookshelf.
Well, my youngest bought thisfor me because I put a very
large version of this on hiswall when he was super young and
(23:20):
so and we constantly had the Ilove you more, no, I love you
more, kind of fun conversation,you know as much as we could.
And then at 16, he actuallybought me my own version.
So when you said, sometimesyour child will mirror that
expression, that's exactly whatI saw, you know happen in my
(23:41):
relationship and I think thateven if we're uncomfortable
expressing that in the beginning, we create new neural pathways.
The more times we share it, themore times we say it, and then
it becomes comfortable and itbecomes natural right.
Holly Swenson (23:58):
Totally.
I love that story, that's sosweet.
Sandy Zamalis (24:10):
So, holly, let's take a quick back step into that
intent.
Right In your book, in the stopsection of your book, you talk
about that reaction versusresponse and you and you kind of
alluded to it a little bit, butyou also took the opportunity
to then also address divorce andjust that reactionary cycle,
that cycle of dysfunction.
Let's step into that a littlebit, because that reactivity,
(24:34):
that reaction, can become a wayof life.
And I, you know, I it'sinteresting to me that you're a
nurse and you have a nursenursing background.
I have a lot of nursing friendsand a lot of them have gotten
into the like some sort ofmindfulness or something, and I
think it stems from that nursingas well, because a lot of it is
reactionary, it's kind of takesover.
(24:56):
And then my friends I don'tknow if this has been your
experience, holly, but myfriends experienced burnout and
so they had to do a lot ofrecovery to get out of that
reactionary cycle.
So let's talk about that alittle bit from that divorce
perspective and that cycle ofdysfunction and kind of how to
help guide through that.
Holly Swenson (25:16):
Yeah, well, I mean, I think you know divorce
is something that a lot ofpeople experience A lot of.
A lot of couples are goingthrough a lot of children are
are living through I was thechild of divorce, you know, and
so it's a very prevalent issuein our, our country and in our
world.
And I really wanted to speak tothis because I think so many
(25:38):
people are living in areactionary state, whether
you're married or not.
I mean, we're not taught how tobe responsive, we're taught,
we're taught really to bereactionary, and I think it's
really doing us a disservice, um, as a collective um, and and in
marriages, uh, you know, inlife, um, because you're not
(25:58):
regulating, you know you're,we're kind of just thinking
about ourselves all the time andwe're not really thinking
necessarily about, you know,we're not always thinking about
how that's landing for somebodyelse, and so I think there's a
huge, there's a huge differencebetween reaction, response, and
learning to distinguish betweenthe two is going to help you
navigate life, whether it'sparenthood or if you're
(26:21):
navigating divorce, or hopefullyyou can, you know, make healthy
changes that might prevent youwalking down that path of
divorce, right, you know?
And if you are going throughthat, that maybe you can weave
some more consciousness intothat so that you know you know
the famous saying of theunconscious what is it?
(26:42):
Conscious uncoupling.
You know where you really are.
Just you're more thoughtfulwith how you are unraveling your
relationship.
So if that's what you're facedwith, that you're doing it with
more care so that you're.
I think it feels better forboth of you, the mother, the
father, the whoever, whoever'sin the in the relationship.
But it also feels better forthe children because they're,
(27:03):
they're seeing parents who canregulate their emotions and and
work on difficult life momentswith with more, with more
compassion.
And so I think, ultimately,when you can respond in life,
it's going to make a hugedifference.
And I think, if you don't mind,I would love to kind of
distinguish between reaction andresponse.
Yes, please, just to make it alittle more clear.
(27:26):
So with reaction, it'sinstinctual, so it's an easy
thing to ignite when you'reraising your kids.
It's what's waiting.
You know kids and with divorce,it's what's there waiting for
you, and I think it's an easygo-to.
And so the problem with reactionis that it's typically not
thought out or really veryhelpful when it comes to
(27:48):
redirecting what's in front ofyou.
It's immediate, it's notmindful.
You're oftentimes shootingright back to your.
You know your child or yourspouse.
You know what they're offeringyou, and so the reality is that
you, you get to make a decisionon whether or not you join in
their emotional tornado.
So I think that when you canrise above, when you can
(28:08):
maintain your calm and not joinyou, you're creating a softer
place to land for yourself.
It's good for you and it'sactually good for them too.
So I think the problem is thatparents or spouses don't always
have a luxury to really thinkabout how to optimally reply to
(28:29):
a request and action.
If you're both stressed and inthat moment of feeling
overwhelmed, you know people aresaying things they don't really
mean, or they're settingconsequences or they're, you
know, kind of flying off thehandle.
So if your typical approach isis you're kind of reacting all
over the place, you know, try toget quiet.
If it's with your kid, maybegive them a hug, if the
situation allows and isappropriate.
(28:50):
You know.
If it's with your spouse, youknow maybe just look them in the
eye and say I'm really sorry.
You know, can we, can we trythat again?
You know, and and I just think,extending some humanity.
I think we aren't extendingenough humanity to each other
and I think there's room forimprovement there.
And then, when we're talkingabout response, response is
(29:10):
really more considerate andthoughtful in nature.
So you're stopping, you'reprocessing before you're opening
your mouth, and this is a gamechanger.
You know, response takes morework, it takes more patience, I
think, both with yourself andwith your, your children or your
spouse.
But when you remember torespond, it's, it's allowing you
to process, remembering yourmanners, your intention and your
(29:34):
leadership skills, whether it's, you know again, as a parent or
with your spouse.
And I think that you know tokind of wrap this, it's like
responding allows you to moveforward in a healthy and dynamic
way.
You're improving your socialskills, you're allowing for more
self-awareness, self-regulationand empathy.
(29:55):
And so you, you know you'rereally going to deepen your
connection with all familymembers, and I just think you
know you're really going todeepen your connection with your
, with all family members, and Ijust think that there's a huge
win when you can remember torespond, you know, and make try
to make reparations instead ofdivision.
We need, we need to just, Ithink, extend that humanity and
take better care of each otheris what it comes down to and
(30:19):
take better care of each otheris what it comes down to.
Dr. Amy Moore (30:22):
Yeah, I really love that explanation.
You know I work with couples asa counselor and so you know
talk a lot about the importanceof curiosity and compassion and
grace and flexibility, and so Ithink that you know, going back
to the conversation we hadearlier about repairing, when we
have reacted, when we have saidthings that we didn't mean to
(30:45):
say or because we weren'tintentional in our responses,
that we can go back and say Ireally wish I hadn't said that,
I'm so sorry that I said it thatway.
Can we talk about this?
Hey, again, this problem, let'snot put it between us, let's
solve it together.
I think if we took thatapproach with every relationship
(31:06):
, then we would have less repairwork to do, because our
relationships would be strongerand more loving and caring and
warm and compassionate.
Maybe we wouldn't see as muchdivorce.
Maybe we wouldn't see as muchdissension between parents and
children.
Maybe we wouldn't see as muchdivorce.
Maybe we wouldn't see as muchdissension between parents and
children.
We maybe wouldn't rupture asmany friendships.
Holly Swenson (31:25):
Absolutely 100% yeah.
Sandy Zamalis (31:28):
Do you guys have phrases or um things that you
would recommend practicing?
Saying um, for example, uh, ifyour kids come and they've
triggered something with you, doyou recommend just pausing
before you speak?
Is there a phrase that youmight use to say, like you know
what?
I think I need to think aboutthat for a second.
(31:49):
I'll get back to you in fiveminutes.
You know just something so thatyou can break this reactionary
cycle just something so that youcould break this reactionary
cycle.
Holly Swenson (32:01):
So one thing that I I talk about my book is, um,
what I loved my, when my kidswere little, they watched, uh,
they watched something calledDaniel tiger um, daniel tiger's
neighborhood, I think, is whatit was titled, and there's a
phrase in there that I justabsolutely loved, um.
And it says when you feel somad that you want to roar, take
a deep breath and count to four.
And what I liked about that isit's like it can apply to you as
(32:22):
a parent, or you can share thatwith your kids because it's
applicable to them and itresonates.
And so I, you know, I thinkthat it's just a healthy thing
to remember.
Like, oh, wow, that reallybrought you know, you're feeling
fire in your belly.
Like pause, that's like yourfirst, like red flag of, like
okay, I need to, I need to stopfor just a second before I step
(32:42):
into whatever's right in frontof me.
So I think that's that's whereI'll go with that one.
Dr. Amy Moore (32:47):
Yeah, and I think that, again, getting back to
mindfulness and breathingexercises and grounding
exercises, and when those havebecome part of our daily rituals
and we recognize the need touse those and we teach our kids
to use those.
You know, I think I shared thisexample a few episodes ago, but
(33:07):
you know I've taught my kidshow to vibrate their vagus nerve
when they've becomedysregulated, you know, by
exhaling while saying the wordvoo, so it's we call it voo
breathing.
Anyway, I was visiblydysregulated a few weeks ago and
my 19 year old walked past meand he went hey, mom, right,
(33:31):
like he just prompted me, right,like you've got to press the
brakes on that.
You know, sympathetic nervoussystem, fight, flight or freeze
response.
When we give our kids thosetools as part of our daily
(34:06):
activities and our dailyinteractions and part of our
discipling and teaching them,you know how do you manage those
big emotions?
Then I think they mirror that.
Was that the question?
I think I got off track there.
Sandy Zamalis (34:21):
No, that was good .
My favorite one it's a ChrisVoss one.
I don't know if either of youhave read Chris Voss at all, but
he has a book called NeverSplit the Difference.
But his favorite tactic when hewould deal with kidnapping like
kidnapping situations orsomething that, with something
like that he would use the latenight DJ voice and it actually
(34:44):
works really well in allscenarios because it hits the
vagus nerve.
It gets you in that lower toneand so you have to just really
get low with your voice, butit's calming to you.
So, like whenever I'm in asituation where I feel like the
energy is ratcheted up and I'mgetting a little too agitated,
(35:06):
if I can tap into that latenight DJ voice I can mirror the
calm that I want and I usuallyget that back, which has been
really helpful for me.
Dr. Amy Moore (35:17):
I love that, yeah , and so there there's this
brilliant psychologist, dr TegMcBride, who actually trained me
in stress management formilitary actually, so I led
stress management workshops formilitary.
Anyway, he talked about thepower, some self-talk phrase
(36:00):
like you're saying, sandy, thenwe can lower the temperature on
a potential reaction, and sothat's the one that I've always
used and then continue to teach.
Few things in life are terrible, horrible or awful.
Most are just uncomfortable orinconvenient.
Holly Swenson (36:17):
I really like that.
I also think, too, like for me,like what's coming up when you
say that is like you know, whenyou have these hard moments, I
always like remind myself thatthose obstacles or those
challenging things that areshowing up in your life are
really your teachers.
So I think when you can partnerwith them and make them your
ally, it really can help you togrow.
And I, you know, and the other,like famous phrase of like, the
(36:39):
only way around is through.
You know.
So, getting through these, likeyou know, intense periods in
life, you know, whether it'sparenting or work or whatever it
is, I think you can remindyourself like you're, you're
exactly where you're meant to be, and and and whether you're
being faced with something thatfeels joyful or challenging,
just keep going.
You know, right throughwhatever it is you're being
(37:00):
asked to do For me, that helpsme in, you know, no matter what
I'm faced with, but especiallythose challenging moments in
life.
Dr. Amy Moore (37:09):
Exactly All right , so we need to take a break.
Let Sandy read a word from oursponsor, and when we come back,
I want to talk a little bitabout self-care and how we can
work on some strategies forinfusing that into our daily
routines as moms when we comeback.
Sandy Zamalis (37:25):
Are you concerned about your child's reading or
spelling performance?
Are you worried your child'sreading curriculum isn't
thorough enough?
Well, most learning strugglesaren't the results of poor
curriculum or instruction.
They're typically caused byhaving foundational cognitive
skills that need to bestrengthened Skills like
attention, memory and processingspeed.
Learningrx cognitive skillstraining programs are designed
(37:48):
to target and strengthen thoseunderlying skills that we rely
on for reading, spelling,writing and learning.
Learningrx can help youidentify which skills may be
keeping your child fromperforming their best.
In fact, we've worked with morethan 125,000 children and
adults who wanted to think andperform better.
Learningrx would like to helpyou get your child on the path
(38:11):
to a brighter and more confidentfuture.
Give LearningRx a call at866-BRAIN-01 or visit
LearningRxcom and visit our shownotes for some free resources.
Dr. Amy Moore (38:23):
Okay, so we are continuing our conversation with
Holly Swenson.
And so, holly, you talk aboutthe importance of self-care for
moms and that can be a term thatreally creates anxiety and
stress to hear for some momsright, I don't have time for
self-care, I'm trying to raisethree or four kids, I'm busy,
(38:44):
I'm working right.
Three or four kids, I'm busy,I'm working Right.
So self-care, right, thethought of trying to take care
of yourself creates more stressand the bigger need to take care
of yourself.
But you talk about in your bookthat it doesn't have to be this
big.
You know monthly ordeal, thatyou know there are ways to
integrate self-care in our dailyroutines.
(39:06):
Could you share a few of thoseideas?
Holly Swenson (39:08):
Absolutely so.
Self-care.
I daily routines.
Could you share a few of thoseideas?
Absolutely so, self-care Ithink that's one of the biggest
things that I learned as aparent, that I have to make time
for, and I make time forself-care every day, and I think
this is what I encourage otherpeople to consider.
And it can be five minutes.
Maybe you're only givingyourself five minutes a day, but
when you make time to take careof your heart and your wellness
(39:29):
, you know whether it's, whetherit's breathing, maybe it's.
You know, if you're like one ofthose parents who says you
don't have any time, you knowmaybe it's after you drop your
kids off at school and you'resitting in your car and you just
have a minute to like breathe,get intentional, just sit there
and give yourself a minute toreset.
You know, but?
But I think what I, what Iwould also encourage for parents
and for people who are feelingtoo busy and too swamped to take
(39:51):
self-care on is is microdoseyour self-care and that's, and
so what I mean by that is dolots of.
I like to get up in the morningand, um, you know, I have a
meditation practice, so I liketo sit for maybe it's, maybe
it's five, five to 20 minutes,depending on what my morning is
(40:19):
looking like.
Maybe it's longer on other days, but I'll give myself that time
to kind of get grounded, tofeel grateful, to just practice,
um, kind of calming my, mysystem.
And then I'll get up and, youknow, maybe I'm making breakfast
for the kids and I'll put somecalm music on.
So you can, you can, you canadd music, you can add
aromatherapy, um, when you drinkyour tea or coffee, whatever
you like, you know, make thatfeel like a ritual, like
(40:40):
something you're giving yourself.
Um, uh, you know, and, and so Ithink self-care it doesn't just
have to be getting a massageonce a month or once every six
months.
I think there's this element ofselfishness that has been
attached to self-care that weneed to unravel, because the
reality is, when you take careof yourself, you're going to be
(41:01):
much better able to serve othersin your life.
And so, truly, if you hearnothing else that I say today,
self-care is like the mostimportant thing you can do for
yourself, and, and it doesn'thave to be big, it doesn't have
to be long, but you have to dosomething to take care of
yourself.
And I also think I, you know, Ithink of self-care in different
(41:23):
ways, besides just thetraditional, I think, ways that
people think of self-care.
I mean I talk about, likecontinuing to dream, like that
is a form of self-care.
Using humor in your life,continuing to learn, getting in
the water, date nights, you know, maybe with your significant
other, like those are all forms.
Maybe it's calling a friend youhaven't talked to in a long
(41:43):
time.
There are lots of differentways to practice self-care and
and so I think when you start tothink about that, activate it.
Maybe it's an out quotes.
You could have quotes on yourfridge, something that, when you
see it, triggers some like afeel good.
You know something that makesyou feel good, it makes you feel
supported in your everyday.
So micro dose your wellness.
(42:04):
That that's what I would,that's what I would say to to
people who feel too busy.
Micro dose your wellness.
Sandy Zamalis (42:08):
That that's what I would.
That's what I would say topeople who feel too busy.
I love that term.
Yeah, On your Instagram you hadactually I think it was your
Instagram you had even talkedabout play, like incorporating
play, and how important that isas self-care, and I love that
too.
Holly Swenson (42:20):
Yeah, and so there's yeah.
Just I would say think big,think broad and start small.
Dr. Amy Moore (42:27):
Don overwhelm yourself and I think that, like
if we can learn um theimportance of being fully
present, um and mindful, then itbecomes a form of self-care,
for me at least I, when I holdmy hot mug of coffee in the
morning and can think about thattactile experience, what that
(42:51):
feels like to warm my handssimply by holding that warm mug
of coffee, that to me is a formof self-care, right.
Choosing what tea I'm going tohave at bedtime, right, is a
form of self-care, right,because then I can smell it
again.
That warm mug I'm going to haveat bedtime, right, is a form of
self-care, right, because thenI can smell it again, that warm
(43:12):
mug.
I'm really tactile.
So to hold that warm mug in theevening, it's kind of like I
bookend my day, right.
Warm mug of coffee in themorning, warm mug of tea in the
evening to me feels like I'vecared for myself.
Holly Swenson (43:27):
Yes, 100%, yeah, and that's it.
Yeah, and, like I said, it canbe simple.
It can be putting oil on yourfeet before you go to bed.
You know just small littlethings, but when you take care
of yourself in that way, itmakes a huge difference in how
you feel.
I love that.
Sandy Zamalis (43:42):
Holly, we're getting close to the end of time
, so what have you not gotten toshare today that you would like
to leave our listeners with?
Holly Swenson (43:50):
You know, I think that I will just say making
time.
You know, we just spoke aboutself-care and like that is like
one of my biggest things I wantto drive home to, to parents
everywhere and people.
I mean, I think, whether you'rea parent or not, self-care is
something that we do leave outso much.
(44:10):
And you look at the rates ofdepression, anxiety that are
prevalent in our country, and soI think, for me, I think you
have to ask yourself, you know,do I want to live with intention
?
Do I want to live with joy?
Do I want to live with wellness?
You know this is a consciouschoice you make daily.
You know you're the oneresponsible for navigating your
(44:31):
life and you know this isultimately on you.
So I think you have to own itand work for it and be grateful
every day.
You know being here and beingalive is a gift and you have to
prioritize your wellness totruly thrive.
Dr. Amy Moore (44:49):
I think that's where I'll wrap.
I love that, holly Swenson,thank you so much for being with
us today and sharing yourknowledge and experience with
our listeners.
Listeners, you can reach Hollyat liveyourglowlive.
She's on Instagram at HollySwenson underscore liveyourglow,
and actually if you visit herwebsite, you can sign up for her
newsletter and read her blog,and then, of course, we'll put a
(45:12):
link to get her book as well inthe show notes.
So thank you so much forlistening today.
If you like us, we would love itif you would find us on social
media.
We are at the brainy moms onevery social media platform.
Do that now, before you forget.
If you liked our show, we wouldlove it if you would leave us a
five-star rating and review onApple Podcasts so we can reach
(45:33):
more smart parents like you.
If you'd rather see our faces,you can subscribe to our YouTube
channel at the Brainy Moms.
And if you want to see more ofSandy and see what cognitive
training looks like learn moreabout learning struggles and how
cognitive skills training canhelp with that you can find her
on TikTok at thebraintrainerlady.
(45:53):
That is all the smart stuffthat we have for you today, so
we're going to catch you nexttime.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.