What Ends When You're Finally Ready to Begin

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
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in the United Slime States by PIMO Bank NA member fdic. Hi.
My microphone broke this week. I know, and frankly I

(02:15):
could go buy a new one. I probably should, but
instead I I'm sitting here recording this episode, this milestone
episode with a borrowed mic hand me down from my
friend Athena. Shout out to Athena came through with a microphone,

(02:36):
and frankly, it feels right. Feels right because nine years ago,
when I started Kafakumbam, I recorded my first episode with
a mic I found on crexlist from a retired rapper
who didn't need it anymore, and I had zero clue

(02:57):
what I was doing. There was no fancy setup, there
was no plan, There were nobody like people were actually
not teaching how to podcast. It was this obscure thing
that people did mostly bros. And there was no blueprint.
It was just my voice and the stories I needed
to tell. And here we are, nine years later, recording

(03:21):
with another borrowed mic, sitting in the discomfort of not
having the quote right tool, mourning the loss of the
one that carried me this far. But here's the thing.
The mic that got me here cannot take me where
I'm going. And maybe that's what this whole year has

(03:42):
been trying to teach me. Nine years, nine years of kavakompam,
nine years of stories, nine years of truth telling, nine
years of teaching you to unmute, how to reclaim your voice,
how to step into the fullness of who you are.
And here's what I never told you. I have been

(04:04):
terrified this whole time. I've been teaching you to step
into your full voice while I still whisper parts of mine.
If you know anything about numerology, you know that nine
is the number of completion endings, the final chapter before rebirth.
It's the number that says something has to die to

(04:28):
something you can live. And honestly, I feel it in
my body and my bones, because not only is k
I'm turning nine, we are turning nine on year nine.
Twenty twenty five is the year nine, and this is
beyond a milestone. This is a threshold because I also

(04:51):
have grief, like real grief. I've already cried. I'm not hoping.
I'm not gonna cry in this episode because, to to
be frank, it's the grief of letting go of that
expectation that I would be further along by now, that
I would be in a different place, that I would
have accomplished more whatever, More even means you know the

(05:16):
story right to the one that says that you should
be further ahead, the one that measures your worth by
milestones you haven't hit yet, the one that whispers nine
years and this is all you have to show for it. Yeah,
that one. But there's also something else here. There's excitement,
there's relief because I think I'm finally ready to let

(05:38):
that story go. I'm ready to accept presence this moment,
this timeline, my timeline, and to honor it by unapologetically
existing despite the unattainable expectations my brain keeps trying to create.
Because here's the truth, lean it. I really need you

(06:01):
to hear this. I've spent nine years teaching you to
un mute, and again I'm still learning to do it myself.
So today I'm going to do something I've never done before.
I'm on muting in real time. Probably i've done it,
I've done it before, but this time I'm being radical
about it. It feels very true to do it, very

(06:21):
kind of meta to do it because I'm showing you
what I've been building in the shadows. It's not perfect,
and definitely I have not arrived. But if I'm asking
you to step into your full voice, to reclaim your
power to stop playing small, then obviously I have to
do it too. And this episode it's for both of us.

(06:43):
If you have been feeling the weight of the world lately,
I have. If you've been carrying the voice that says
you should be further along, that you should have more
figured out, stay with me because I think we might
be in the same cycle. I think we're both ready
to complete this check. So let's do it together. Bibnia,

(07:04):
welcome back. Let's talk about what ends when you're final
ready to begin. So let's talk about what the number
nine actually demands of us. In numerology. Nine isn't just
about completion, it's about release. It's a number that ass
Before you can step into what's next, you have to

(07:25):
let go of what no longer fits. And that's not
always comfortable. Many many times it's messy. Other times it
feels like you're losing something you worked so hard to build.
But here's what I'm learning. The things were being asked
to release. They were never meant to last forever. They

(07:46):
were simply scaffolding, and now it's time to step out
from behind it. Like my microphone, Look it served me well.
It carried my voice for years. I loved that little money.
But it broke because it was time, and instead of
rushing to replace it with the exact same model, newer,

(08:10):
I'm sitting here with a borrowed one, asking myself, one
of the tools that got me here isn't the tool
that will take me where I'm going? And the question
it's not just about equipment. So what am I releasing?
I'm releasing the version of me that needed to make
my work palatable, the one the worried. If I showed

(08:32):
you the full scope of what I've been building, you
would think I was getting too big or to corporate,
or I would become a sellout, or not latina enough,
or somehow too much. At the same time, I am
releasing the belief that my body of work has to
fit into someone else's framework to be legit, that I
need external validation to say, yeah, this is real and

(08:54):
this matters, because frankly, I'm releasing the exhaustion of perform
being healed, of showing up like I've got it all
figured out, when the truth is I am still in it,
I am still learning, I'm still unbecoming the part to
me that learned to stay small. And maybe you're releasing

(09:17):
something too. Maybe you're releasing the version of yourself that
plays along, that keeps the peace, that says I'm fine
when really you're not fine, the performance gratitude when what
you really feel is tired. Maybe you're releasing the belief
that you're healing has to look a certain way, that

(09:38):
it should be linear, that by now you should have
it all figured out. Maybe you're releasing the fear that
claiming your full voice means losing people, that speaking your
truth will make you too much, that if you stop shrinking,
there won't be room for you anymore. And maybe, just
maybe you're releasing the exhaustion of carrying a verse of

(10:00):
yourself that's too small for what you're actually being called
to do. The tool that got you here won't take
you where you're going. And that's okay, that's not failure,
that's just a very basic form of evolution. I know
you feel the weight of the world right now. I

(10:20):
do do it's it's been hard in so many levels.
What does us give? I think part of the weight
is this, we are carrying versions of ourselves that don't
fit any jacket esmos. We've outgrown them, but we're still
trying to squeeze them in because it's what we know,
because they feel safe, because it's familiar. But what if

(10:44):
this moment, what if the heaviness you're feeling is not
necessarily signaling something that might be wrong. What if it's
signaling something that is ready. So here's my for you
to sit with just for a second. What if this

(11:05):
isn't just about me turning nine with the podcast. What
if you are in a nine year cycle too. What
if we're both standing in a threshold being asked to
release what no longer serves us so we can step
into what is next. Because the thing about endings is
that they're only scary when we forget that they are
also beginnings, and I think we're both ready to begin.

(11:31):
So before I show you what I've been building, I
would love for you to understand why I've been afraid
to show it to you. I think it's important to
step into that space first, because really the work itself
is beyond that. It's about what it means to finally
claim it, and that's what I'm learning to do in

(11:51):
real time with you. So let's stick a deep breath.
What have been too afraid to show you? Not because
it's not ready, frankly, but because it wasn't because I
wasn't ready to be seen holding it. For nine years,

(12:12):
I have been teaching you pieces of my work, bits
and pieces. I've been dropping them here and there about
Gayeta culture, about the five Wounds, about even cycle sinking
and tapping and interneia healing. And if you've been here
for a while, you know you've heard the concepts, you
have felt them land when I've share them, and maybe

(12:34):
you've even started doing the work. But here's what I've
never shown you. How it all connects. And they're not
separate practices, they're not a menu to pick from. What
I realized is that it's a language, a language I've
been learning to speak, a language that has been stolen

(12:54):
from us, And I've been teaching the teaching you the
vocabulary word by word, phrase by friends, without ever showing
you the full grammar, the structure, the way it all
flows together. And I think I've been doing a brigade
in a way. I believe that if I showed you

(13:15):
the whole thing, I would have to claim it, and
I would have to say this is mine. I built
this and it works. And that thought terrified me like
a lot. But I'm done being terrified. So let me
show you, Magin not this. Your healing journey is at Casa,

(13:36):
not just any house, your ancestral home, the one that
holds all the stories, all the silences, all the ways
your family learned to survive. For most of us, we
inherited the house with the doors locked, the windows were shut,
the rooms were were not allowed to enter, and we

(13:57):
learned to live small inside of it because that's but
we were taught. That's what was safe, that's what was familiar.
But what I've been doing for nine years, what we
have been doing together, is learning the language that unlocks
the doors, the language that lets us walk through every room.
The language that says is that Gaza is mia yodasio.

(14:23):
I decide what stays and what goes. So here's how
the language works, and here's how it all connects. Culture
is the awakening. It's the moment you realize, oh, I
was taught to be quiet, this silence, it wasn't my choice.
It was survival. It's the diagnosis, it's the naming. It's

(14:45):
the first time you say out loud, this happened to me,
and this is why I learned to shrink. Without this,
you're just trying to heal without understanding what you're healing from,
and that's exhausting. This is why the work does and stick.
It works temporarily. Then you go back to the repeating
a pattern somehow somewhere. So kaya culture is the key

(15:09):
to the front door. It's what lets you begin to
enter the house. Once you're inside, you need a map
because this house is big. It's pretty large. There are
rooms you didn't know existed, and these are wounds you
didn't know you were carrying. And that's where the five
wounds come in. The five wounds are the map. They

(15:32):
show you where the pain lives. Rejection, abandonment, betrayal, humiliation,
and justice. These are not abstract concepts. There's simply the
rooms in your ancestral home where trauma gets stored. This
is where your nervous system learned to protect you. And
when you can name the wound, you can finally need it.

(15:56):
You can walk into the room and say, oh, this
is where I learned I wasn't enough, This is where
I learned love wasn't safe. The five wounds give you
the vocabulary to understand your pain, to stop blaming yourself
for reactions that are actually protection mechanism. Because here's the thing.

(16:20):
Knowing where the pain lives is not It may be
the first step, but you have to learn how to
be in your body while you're doing the work, because
if you're just regulated, if your nervous system is in
survival mode, you cannot actually do some healing. You're simply
retraumatizing yourself. And believe me, I've seen it done and

(16:40):
done and done over and over again. And this is
where we bring in somatic tools. This is where we
bring in the connection to your body. Tapping breathworks, and
I want you to truly tune into the fact that
these tools go be on wellness friends. They're practices that

(17:02):
teach you how to regulate, how to come back to
your body, how to say I'm safe enough to feel this.
Think of it like this. If the five wounds are
the map, the somatic tools are what help you walk
through the house without collapsing. They're grounding the nervous. Their
nervous systems support the reminder that you can hold grief

(17:25):
and safety. At the same time. You're learning to speak
the language in your body, not just in your mind.
We want to stop being walking heads and start actually embodying,
actually feeling the body. And then once you're inside the house,
once you have the map, once you know how to
stay regulated, there's one more room you have to enter.

(17:48):
And the room is where your inner ninia is waiting.
And maybe this is a patio, No, maybe this is
the the middle of the guessa the way that I
imagine it is gomonacien that and this is in medio.
That's where your enernia is waiting for you. This is
your reclamation because all of this work, the awakening, the mapping,

(18:11):
the regulation, it's leading you to this point, to the
part of you that never forgot who you were before
the world told you to be quiet before Kayetit, the
culture took root, before the wounds convinced you that you
were not enough. Your Enerneinia is a part of you
that still remembers your voice, your bigness, your magic. And

(18:37):
when you meet her, when you actually sit with her
and say I see you, I'm here and I'm not leaving,
that's when true transformation happens. That's when you stop healing
and you begin reclaiming. So Kayeta culture is the key.

(18:57):
The five wounds are the map, your somatic tools are
the regulation, and your enerne healing is the reclamation. And
when you put it all together, that is the un
mute and reclaim methodology, the full language, the one I've
been teaching you, piece by piece for nine years. It's
not a framework I borrowed. It's also not something I

(19:20):
learned in a certification program. It's what I built for
my own healing, from my own unbecoming, from walking through
my own ancestral home and deciding what stays I and
I've been doing afraid to name it, to claim it,
to say this is mine. But here's the truth. I've

(19:43):
spent nine years teaching you to unmute and again and again.
I'm still learning to do it myself. And the part
of our muting is finally saying, this is my work
and this is what I've built, and it's time you
see whole picture. It's time for me to own it.
So here it is the full language, the focus, the

(20:07):
full method. Not perfect yet, I have not arrived. But
if I'm asking you to claim your voice, I have
to claim mine too. And now we get to talk
about what you are ready to claim. So your invitation
comes as writing a love letter to yourself, because if

(20:30):
this episode is landing within your body right, if something
in you is saying yes, I feel this, then you're
ready for your own nine year moment, your own threshold,
your own beliefs and reclamation. And we're already in a
year nine. So let's do this. Grab your journal, sit
with the questions, let them move you, let them move
through you. WHA what chapter are you complaining right now?

(20:56):
It doesn't have to be a nine year literal cycle.
It's like you don't have to go back to what
were you doing en years ago. Maybe it's a relationship,
maybe it's a job. Maybe it's a way of being
that you have outgrown and you know you have outgrown it.
Maybe it's a version of yourself that's been carrying you,
but you cannot take that version of you where you're going.

(21:18):
What does it feel like it's ending? And more importantly,
what are you ready to allow it to end? Because
sometimes we know something's over long before we're willing to
say it out loud. I'm gonna say that again. Sometimes
we know something is over before we're able to call it.

(21:42):
No matter of thos, what have you been building in
the shadows. Maybe it's a business, Maybe it's a boundary.
Maybe it's a new way of speaking to yourself. Maybe
it's even a new way of introducing yourself. A dream
you've been too afraid to name. Have you been creating quietly, secretly,
hoping no one notices until you're quote ready? Because the

(22:05):
real question is is this what are you afraid will
happen if you finally claim it? Let me tell you
what I was afraid of. What you that you would
think I was too much, that I would lose the
intimacy that makes this work sacred. Claiming my methodology and
my body of work meant I was becoming something I
was not going to be able to recognize better look

(22:29):
at Is that my fear of being seen is just
another version of the culture. It's a voice that says,
stay small, stay safe, don't take up too much space.
Is that we are done with that? So I'll bring

(22:50):
it back to you. What are you ready to do?
No matter dress, where are you playing small? Still? Most important?
Who are you playing small? Four? Is it family? Is
it your partner? Is your boss? Is it your community?
Is it the version of yourself that's terrified of disappointing

(23:15):
And they're going to adjust, They're going to catch up
the ones who can't. They were not meant to walk
the next chapter with you, ahindik, Is they're just one
sentence in your book. There's people that are pages of it.
There's people that are chapters. There's people that walk with
you the whole book. Most people have little pieces of you,

(23:39):
not all of them, and just say it's hard to hear.
I know it feels like betrayal. I know sometimes to
even think that you're like, oh, but a's staying small
to keep other people comfortable is not love itself abandonment.
You've already abandoned yourself long enough. So let's sit with

(24:00):
those three questions, Maybe journal on them, Maybe send me
a DM with your answers. Let the questions move through you,
Let the answers get into your body and see what
comes up. Because if you're realizing that you're ready, truly
ready to do this work at a deeper level, then

(24:21):
something's coming. And this is where we do this work together.
I don't like to use the word this word, but
we do it in community. This is where all the
tools I just walked you through, yea culture, the five wounds,
somatic practices, internet healing, and the full on mute and
reclaim method will be in there. And it's not a course,

(24:46):
it's a container. It's a container you grow inside of.
It's where you learn the language, you walk through your
ancestral home, and you reclaim the parts of yourself that
you thought were lost. I'm going to tell you more
about it later. It's not ready. That's when truly like
it's almost ready, but it's not ready. I'm curious to

(25:06):
now if you are ready to start, And the first step, frankly,
is to sit with the questions. Very easy. I don't
want you to take any other action than to sit
with the questions and tune in to see what your
body responds. Because I'm muting is not a one time event.
It's a practice. It starts with asking yourself, what am

(25:27):
I ready to release and what am I ready to claim?
Please share it, Please send it to a friend who's
might be in their own nine year moment. Post it
on your stories and tag me and tell me what
you're releasing, what are you claiming. We want to make

(25:54):
a contagious because we need each other to do it.
This is not work to be done alone. I've done
alone for so long. Is not something that we are
to do alone. So one more thing before we close,
I want to tell you a story because all of this,

(26:14):
the methodology, the metaphors, the broken mic, it's pointing to
one truth and I want to invite you to hear it.
Months ago, one of my highest pain clients sent me
a message and it was a very short message. Hey,
let's hop in a call room. Uh, let's hop in

(26:34):
a zoom real quick, and let's clarify some things. I
read the email and I freaked out, like full catastrophizing,
immediate spiral. She's firing me, she hates my work. I
did something wrong. I'm not good enough. I was hacked
like I do you know, like everything and all of

(26:57):
the stories were just flooding into my brain. My body
went into full protection mode. I closed up and in
a moment, a teeny tiny like sliver of light, I
came to my senses and I used my tools. And

(27:17):
the first thing I asked myself, what do I know
to be true in this moment? Very simple? And what
I heard from my highest self, not from anxious ANGI
So my anxiety has a name, and her name is
anxious Angie. To all my angies. That to the Angie
that listens to me, I love you, but you're not

(27:39):
anxious anging. But I think about this because I know
a couple of angies, but I don't know. My anxiety
is just Angie, not anyway. So well, my highest self responded,
is you've been doing the best work you put. That's
what I knew to be true. So I tapped, I

(27:59):
went for a walk, I journaled to release the thoughts
that were spiraling in my head. And finally the day
of the call arrived. I had to wait a week
for the call. I showed up. I still cared. I
was raising for the worst, though, because Anxious Angie she'd
be a relentless warrior, and she wants to be seen

(28:20):
in so many ways, and so she's just there and
I truly was fully expecting to get fired. And we
hopped on the call. First thing she says, She's like, Hey,
I just want to tell you it's such a delight
to work with you. You always show up on time
for our calls, you are responsive to my emails. We

(28:42):
love your work. It's really awesome. I want to start
with that because we hadn't had a chance to chat
about it, and I truly want you to know this,
that this is how we feel. And then she asked
me to clarify some reports I had sent. Okay, honestly,
the report's we're confusing, and so I explained them and

(29:04):
twenty minutes later, eighteen the call was done, and I
sat there feeling two things at once. Roulado relieved. I
was so pissed at myself for letting my anxiety take
over once again. It's get mencia. That is not a weakness,

(29:25):
is not me not being healed enough. It's anxious Angie
protecting my Enernegna. It's a part of me that learned
that abandonment is always around the corner. For me, it's
the voice says that good things will last, that if
someone wants to talk to me, it must be and
I did something wrong, I wanaus. Instead of shaming her,

(29:49):
I'm learning to meet her. I'm learning to say I
see you. I know you're scared, but I am here
and I'm not leaving you. That's the work, the work.
The point is not to never feel fear. The point
is about knowing how to return, how to come back,

(30:11):
how to regulate, how to arrive at that place of
neutrality so we can remind that little Ninita inside of
you You're safe. I've got you. We're not doing this
alone anymore. It is this a moment though months ago.
That's what I've been doing every day, meeting her, reassuring her,

(30:32):
reminding her that she does not have to protect me anymore,
that I can protect us now, he said Kapazza. She
feels safer, she's more comfortable being seen, she's more okay
with attention and support, and she's learning to ask for help.

(30:52):
Esteprano the Sumachia. She's starting to remember her magic, because
the fear still the better joy finally holding her hand,
walking along with her, and then I got the emotion.

(31:13):
But if you're if you're listening to this and thinking,
maybe I should be further along, or I should have
all of this figure out? Why now? By now? Why
am I still spiraling? Why do I still catastrophize? And
so noisek it noise gate, You're you're failing at life. No,

(31:33):
it's noise k like you're missing something. It's it's anonamous.
Look at buzz system and so it's doing what it's
designed to do. Your body is protecting. Okay, we're not
not gonna feel. The work is to learn how to
hold yourself while you feel. The work is to say

(31:54):
to your inner ninia, I see you, and we got
the That's what a muting actually looks like. Nati has
to be perfect. Alcontrario is not polished, but it's actually present,
ilenees And if I can accept that after nine years

(32:18):
in this, I'm still learning a ton. I've been doing
my own inner work since I'm eleven years old when
my dad left, my dad left me. Then you can
do it too. Okay, you don't have to have her
all figure out to start reclaiming your voice. Elo. You're
choosing to show up messy, scared with the borrowed mic Assi. Yes,

(32:46):
looks No, it's what we're doing here together. It's what
we are here to do alongside each other. So here's
what we covered today. Nine years then now Mber of completion.
The number that demands released before rebirth, jo what I'm releasing,

(33:07):
the version of me that needed to make my work palatable,
the belief that I had to fit into someone else's framework,
the exhaustion of performing heal, and I showed you what
I've been building, the full on mute and Reclaim methodology GAA.
Culture is the key. The five wounds are the map,
somatic tools are the regulation, and your inner nnia is

(33:30):
the reclamation, the language that lets you walk through your
ancestral home and decide what stays and what goes. They said,
what chapter are you completing? What have you been building
in the shadows? And where are you still playing small?

(33:51):
Here's the invitation. Sit with the questions, journal on them,
let them move through you those. If this episode resonated,
please share it with someone you know who needs it.
Post it. Tag me on Instagram, I would love to
know what you're releasing. Tag me on other places. I

(34:12):
don't know, ere tell me where you're claiming. I truly,
I generally I want to witness you. It's so fun
to receive your dms and be like, this is what
I'm claiming. Oh, that would be that would be a
win for me to celebrate nine years matter tris. If

(34:33):
you're ready to go deeper, if you want to learn
the language, if you want to walk through the GASA
and do this work together, then send me a DM
and tell me you're ready, and we might have a
link to go into a waiting list. I don't know yet.

(34:53):
I mean this like transitional space, and even I hesitated
to do this episode because I'm like, I don't know
if I'm ready to share what's coming, but I'm ready
to share what's here. But I'm really curious. If you're
ready and what I shared resonated and you feel called
to to explore what it means, please do let me know,

(35:18):
because I want to know. We might have a link
by the time this releases. You want to thank you
for nine years, independ how long you've been here, whether
this is your first episode or your four hundredth episode.

(35:38):
Lo must get the boys see it's gonnas for trusting me.
Thank you for trusting me. With your ears. Thank you
for trusting me and humoring me and my never ending
rambling stories. Thank you for trusting me with your healing
and with your becoming. And truly, I want you to
know that I don't take it likely and I cannot

(36:01):
wait to see what we build together in your ten
you want to see. Dakafa Compum is created by our
small but mighty team. Content production by Nancy Heimis, podcast
management by Maru Lenardin, social media and marketing by Brenda Figuero.

(36:24):
And meet your host Vamco. To keep the cavacito brewing
and the healing flowing, join the Supporters Club for only
five dollars a month and access early episodes, behind the
scenes vibes, and exclusive minnesotes you won't hear anywhere else.
Screenshot this episode and tag me and share what resonated.
I love seeing your takeaways. Follow on your favorite podcast

(36:47):
platform and subscribe to our YouTube channel. Let's keep the
conversation going with us on social media at Kapa compam
podcast because your voice always matters there. We love being
on Instagram and Facebook. Yes for listening to Cafe combam as,
spread ideas, move people. Production for bird episodes guest info
or resources, visit Cafe coombum dot com. And if you're

(37:10):
healing from gadieta culture and don't know where to start,
you can take the quiz GAFA coombum dot com Ford
slash Quiz for TIA Wisdom and Karino just for you,

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