April 7, 2025 • 16 mins
Abigail did not submit to her husband Nabal when he refused to help David and his men. This biblical story provides submission principles women can use to confidently say no to things that violate their consciences. #difficultrelationships #toxicrelationship #dysfunctionalrelationship #scripturalmisunderstandings
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
I'm going to talk to youabout a Bible story today
about Abigail and her husband, Nabal,
and I'm titling the story.
Abigail Said No,
and I'm going to explain it to you.
So let'sgo ahead and read that story together.
You probably know it says.
(00:42):
Then David moved downinto the desert of Moan.
A certain man in Moan who had propertythere at Carmel was very wealthy.
He had a thousand goats and 3000 sheep,
which he was shearing in Carmel.
His name was Nabal,and his wife's name was Abigail.
She was an intelligentand beautiful woman, but her husband,
(01:06):
a Calebite, was surlyand mean in his dealing.
While David was in the desert,he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep,
so he sent ten young menand said to them, go up to the table
at Carmel and greet him in my name.
Say to him, long life to you, good healthto you and your household,
(01:26):
and good health to all that is yours.
Now I hear that.
Is it a sheep shearing timewhen your shepherds were with us?
We did not mistreat them.
And the whole time they were outat Carmel, nothing of theirs was missing.
Ask your own servants,and they will tell you
thereforebe favorable toward my young men.
(01:49):
Since we come at a festive time.
Please give your servantsand your son David
whatever you can find for us.
When David's men arrived, they gave Nabalthis message in David's name.
Then they waited.
Nabal answered
David's servants.
Who is this David?Who is the son of Jesse?
(02:10):
Many servants are breaking awayfrom their masters these days.
Why should I take my bread and water,and the meat
I have slaughtered for my shearers,and give it to men?
Coming from who knows where?
David's men turned around and went back.
When they arrived, they reportedevery word David said to his men.
(02:31):
Put on your swords.
So they put on their swords,and David put on his.
About 400 men went up with David,while 200 stayed with their supplies.
One of the servants told Nabal'swife, Abigail.
David sent messengers from the desertto give our master his greetings,
but he hurled insults at them.
(02:53):
Yet these men were very good to us.
They did not mistreat us.
And the whole time we were out inthe fields near them, nothing was missing.
Night and daythey were a wall around us at the time.
We were hurting our sheep near them.
In other words,they protected Nabal sheep.
They protected nobles, men.
(03:13):
Now think it over and see what you can do.
Because disaster is hanging overour master and his whole household.
He is such a wicked manthat no one can talk to him.
Imagine this. Okay.
Think about it.
In times today,
Nabal was a mean, difficult person.
(03:38):
He didn't care about anybody else'swell-being.
He only cared about his own opinion
and his own stubbornness,and his own pride and his own.
Whatever he saysand what he thinks is right,
and he doesn't careif it causes destruction.
He doesn't care if it hurts people.
He doesn't care.
He just cares about what he thinksand he's mean
(04:02):
and he's unreasonable and he's irrationaland you can't deal with him.
Now, Abigail knows this.
She's been married to him.
This is not the first time that Nabalhas made foolish, foolish decisions.
This is not the first time that Abigailhas been presented with a dilemma
of what to do to protect her family.
(04:25):
Now, if you listen to people argue
that a wife has to submit to her husband,
then you're going to recognizethat Abigail is stuck.
There's nothing she can do.
She cannot go against her husbandand humiliate him in front of David
and all his men and all their servants,by doing
(04:48):
what David asked behind his back.
And she could she go to him?
She could go to him,and she could try to argue with him
like you've probably donein your difficult relationship.
And I've done in mine many, many times,and it doesn't work.
She could have goneand she could have argued with Nabal,
(05:09):
and she could have told him,you're a fool, like this is wrong.
Please change your mind.
She could have asked himto change his mind and let him know why.
She thinks she should change his mindand then if he didn't, she goes along.
Continues to support his decision,
or she could intervene.
(05:29):
Intervene?
Which means she does not submit to him.
She goes literally against him
and does the oppositeof what he has said and
take it into her own hands.
What does she do?
It's exactly what she does.
Listen, it says Abigail lost no time.
(05:52):
She took 200 loaves of bread.
Two skins of wine,five dressed sheep, five
seeds, says, or seeds of roastedgrain, 100 cakes of raisins
and 200 cakes of pressed figsand loaded them on donkeys.
Then she told her servants,go on ahead, I'll follow you.
(06:13):
But she did not tell her husband Nabal.
She didn't tell himshe did this behind His back.
Can you imaginehaving someone today in the church
tell you that that's okay to do?
Your child is hurt.
Your child is sick.
You're sick. You need help.
Your child needs help.
And you literally go and do it
(06:34):
behind your spouse's back because you knowit's the right thing for your child.
You know it's the right thing for you.
You knowit's the right thing for your marriage.
You don't signa loan that you know is bad for you.
Imagine.
As she came riding her donkey
into a mountain ravine, there were Davidand his men descending toward her,
(06:56):
and she met them.
David had just said, it's been uselessall my watching over
this fellow's property in the desert,so that nothing of his was missing.
He's paid me back evil for good.
May God deal with David,be it ever so severely.
If by morning I leave aliveone male of all who belong to him.
(07:20):
When Abigail saw David,she quickly got off her donkey
and bowed down before David with herface to the ground.
She even is subjecting herself
to the person that her husband said no to.
She is literally saying,
I'm willing to come to you
(07:43):
and bow before you.
She fell at his feet and said, my lord.
Let the blame be on me alone.
Please let your servant speak to you.
Hear what your servant has to say.
May my lord payno attention to that wicked man.
Her husband
Nabal.
(08:04):
He is just like his name.
His name is fool, and folly goes with him.
But as for me, your servant,I did not see the men.
My master said so.
She said I wasn't given a choiceto make a different decision.
He made the decision on his own.
But I'm not agreeingwith that decision now.
(08:26):
Since the Lord has kept you, my master,
from bloodshed and from avenging yourselfwith your own hands,
as surely as the Lord livesand as you live, may your enemies
and all who intend to harmmy master be like Nabal.
And let this giftwhich your servant has brought in
to my masterbe given to the men who follow you.
(08:48):
Please forgive your servantsoffense, for the Lord will certainly make
a lasting dynasty for my master,because he fights the Lord's battle.
Let no wrongdoingbe found in you as long as you live,
even though someone is pursuing youto take your life,
the life of my master will be boundsecurely
(09:09):
in the bundle of the living by the Lordyour God, but the lives of your enemies,
he will hurl awayas from the pocket of a sling,
when the Lord has done for my masterevery good thing he promised
concerning him, and appointed himleader over Israel.
See, they knew thatDavid was going to be appointed King.
(09:32):
My master will not have on his consciencethe staggering, burden
of needless bloodshed,or of having avenged himself.
And when the Lord has broughtmy master's success, remember your servant
David said to Abigail,praise be to the Lord,
the God of Israel,who has sent you today to meet me.
(09:53):
May you be blessed for your good judgment.
She had good judgment.
She had better judgment that her husband,because her husband was a fool,
and he was goingto bring bloodshed on his household,
and he was going to bring bloodshedin under David's conscience
for keeping me from
bloodshed this day, and forfrom avenging myself with my own hands.
(10:16):
Otherwise, as surely as the Lord,
the God of Israel, lives,who has kept me from harming you.
If you had not come quickly to meet me,not one male belonging to Nabal
would have been left alive by daybreak.
So David is saying,you saved me from sinning,
from doing wrong, from needlesslyshedding the blood of these men.
(10:38):
Then David accepted from her handwhat she had brought him and said,
go home in peace.
I have heard your wordsand granted your request.
When Abigail went to Nabal,he was in the house holding a banquet
like that of a king.
He was in high spirits and very drunk,so he wasn't in any
place to make a decent decision.
(11:00):
So she told him nothing until daybreak.
Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober,she was wise.
She waited until he was sober.
She didn't go in and have a conversationwith a drunk, irrational fool.
She knew better than that.
His wife told him all these things.
Then she told him after she did it, after
(11:22):
she intervened to save the family
and his heart failed him,and he became like a stone.
He died about or he died ten days later.
About ten days later,the Lord struck Nabal and he died.
So he had a heart attack,and he died ten days Later,
when David heard that noble was dead,he said, praise be to the Lord,
(11:44):
who has upheld my cause,see it was God's justice.
God's time.
He has upheld my cause against Nabalfor treating me with contempt.
He has brought his.
He has kept his servant from doing wrong,and he has brought Nabal’s
wrongdoing down on his own head,
not on all of the males of his household.
(12:06):
Then David sent word to Abigailasking her to become his wife.
His servants went to Carmeland said to Abigail,
David has sent us to youto take you to become his wife.
She bowed down with her face to the groundand said, here is your maid servant
ready to serve youand wash the feet of my master's servants.
Abigail quicklygot on a donkey and, attended by her five
(12:29):
maids, went with David's messengerand became his wife.
Now we knowthat they had multiple wives back then.
I'm not agreeing with that.
It was a different time and culture.
But do you see the end of the story?
God did not interveneand strike Abigail dead
because she went against her husband.
(12:51):
Because she went behind his back
and did what was rightwhen he made a foolish decision.
God brought justice on Nabal's head,
and God blessed Abigail.
So it's kind of a different story
in the Bible about submissionthan what you normally hear.
Now, I'm not saying that you can doanything you want in a marriage.
(13:14):
It's a partnership.
You want to make sure that you are workingtogether.
You're not doing things behindeach other's backs.
You're not purposefully going against him.
But when there are timeswhen a person is making a foolish decision
and in order to protect yourselfand your household, in order
to protect the health of your child,in order to protect the mental health
(13:36):
of your child, you might have to goagainst what your husband says.
You might have to make a decision against
what your parents have told youthat you need to do.
You might find out and recognize that
the Lord is leading you to marry somebodythat maybe your parents don't agree with,
(13:58):
because your parents don't havethe same goals for you, or they are not
able to see what is right for you.
There are timeswhen we have to make decisions for ourself
that might go against what someone else
believes that we should do,or somebody else does.
(14:19):
Makes making that decisionthat is actually harmful
to us, to you
or and your children,or to those in your household.
So I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
I'd love to hearyou tell me what you think.
Even the guys, okay, just go ahead
and write me my website,write notes under the YouTube videos.
(14:41):
I read them all and answer them.
And, I just want to thank you for watchingthis video on Change My Relationship.
And I would love to tell youabout my 365 day
devotional for Christiansin difficult Relationships.
So if you want to know howto apply the word to your relationship,
(15:02):
and to know the truths that you can usefor all kinds of different situations,
all of these things that I tell youin videos, these tips
and toolsand truth are in those devotions.
So it's titled Change My Relationship 365
Daily Devotions for Christiansin Difficult Relationships.
(15:23):
Thank you for watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
(15:45):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
I'm going to talk to youabout a Bible story today
about Abigail and her husband, Nabal,
and I'm titling the story.
Abigail Said No,
and I'm going to explain it to you.
So let'sgo ahead and read that story together.
You probably know it says.
(00:42):
Then David moved downinto the desert of Moan.
A certain man in Moan who had propertythere at Carmel was very wealthy.
He had a thousand goats and 3000 sheep,
which he was shearing in Carmel.
His name was Nabal,and his wife's name was Abigail.
She was an intelligentand beautiful woman, but her husband,
(01:06):
a Calebite, was surlyand mean in his dealing.
While David was in the desert,he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep,
so he sent ten young menand said to them, go up to the table
at Carmel and greet him in my name.
Say to him, long life to you, good healthto you and your household,
(01:26):
and good health to all that is yours.
Now I hear that.
Is it a sheep shearing timewhen your shepherds were with us?
We did not mistreat them.
And the whole time they were outat Carmel, nothing of theirs was missing.
Ask your own servants,and they will tell you
thereforebe favorable toward my young men.
(01:49):
Since we come at a festive time.
Please give your servantsand your son David
whatever you can find for us.
When David's men arrived, they gave Nabalthis message in David's name.
Then they waited.
Nabal answered
David's servants.
Who is this David?Who is the son of Jesse?
(02:10):
Many servants are breaking awayfrom their masters these days.
Why should I take my bread and water,and the meat
I have slaughtered for my shearers,and give it to men?
Coming from who knows where?
David's men turned around and went back.
When they arrived, they reportedevery word David said to his men.
(02:31):
Put on your swords.
So they put on their swords,and David put on his.
About 400 men went up with David,while 200 stayed with their supplies.
One of the servants told Nabal'swife, Abigail.
David sent messengers from the desertto give our master his greetings,
but he hurled insults at them.
(02:53):
Yet these men were very good to us.
They did not mistreat us.
And the whole time we were out inthe fields near them, nothing was missing.
Night and daythey were a wall around us at the time.
We were hurting our sheep near them.
In other words,they protected Nabal sheep.
They protected nobles, men.
(03:13):
Now think it over and see what you can do.
Because disaster is hanging overour master and his whole household.
He is such a wicked manthat no one can talk to him.
Imagine this. Okay.
Think about it.
In times today,
Nabal was a mean, difficult person.
(03:38):
He didn't care about anybody else'swell-being.
He only cared about his own opinion
and his own stubbornness,and his own pride and his own.
Whatever he saysand what he thinks is right,
and he doesn't careif it causes destruction.
He doesn't care if it hurts people.
He doesn't care.
He just cares about what he thinksand he's mean
(04:02):
and he's unreasonable and he's irrationaland you can't deal with him.
Now, Abigail knows this.
She's been married to him.
This is not the first time that Nabalhas made foolish, foolish decisions.
This is not the first time that Abigailhas been presented with a dilemma
of what to do to protect her family.
(04:25):
Now, if you listen to people argue
that a wife has to submit to her husband,
then you're going to recognizethat Abigail is stuck.
There's nothing she can do.
She cannot go against her husbandand humiliate him in front of David
and all his men and all their servants,by doing
(04:48):
what David asked behind his back.
And she could she go to him?
She could go to him,and she could try to argue with him
like you've probably donein your difficult relationship.
And I've done in mine many, many times,and it doesn't work.
She could have goneand she could have argued with Nabal,
(05:09):
and she could have told him,you're a fool, like this is wrong.
Please change your mind.
She could have asked himto change his mind and let him know why.
She thinks she should change his mindand then if he didn't, she goes along.
Continues to support his decision,
or she could intervene.
(05:29):
Intervene?
Which means she does not submit to him.
She goes literally against him
and does the oppositeof what he has said and
take it into her own hands.
What does she do?
It's exactly what she does.
Listen, it says Abigail lost no time.
(05:52):
She took 200 loaves of bread.
Two skins of wine,five dressed sheep, five
seeds, says, or seeds of roastedgrain, 100 cakes of raisins
and 200 cakes of pressed figsand loaded them on donkeys.
Then she told her servants,go on ahead, I'll follow you.
(06:13):
But she did not tell her husband Nabal.
She didn't tell himshe did this behind His back.
Can you imaginehaving someone today in the church
tell you that that's okay to do?
Your child is hurt.
Your child is sick.
You're sick. You need help.
Your child needs help.
And you literally go and do it
(06:34):
behind your spouse's back because you knowit's the right thing for your child.
You know it's the right thing for you.
You knowit's the right thing for your marriage.
You don't signa loan that you know is bad for you.
Imagine.
As she came riding her donkey
into a mountain ravine, there were Davidand his men descending toward her,
(06:56):
and she met them.
David had just said, it's been uselessall my watching over
this fellow's property in the desert,so that nothing of his was missing.
He's paid me back evil for good.
May God deal with David,be it ever so severely.
If by morning I leave aliveone male of all who belong to him.
(07:20):
When Abigail saw David,she quickly got off her donkey
and bowed down before David with herface to the ground.
She even is subjecting herself
to the person that her husband said no to.
She is literally saying,
I'm willing to come to you
(07:43):
and bow before you.
She fell at his feet and said, my lord.
Let the blame be on me alone.
Please let your servant speak to you.
Hear what your servant has to say.
May my lord payno attention to that wicked man.
Her husband
Nabal.
(08:04):
He is just like his name.
His name is fool, and folly goes with him.
But as for me, your servant,I did not see the men.
My master said so.
She said I wasn't given a choiceto make a different decision.
He made the decision on his own.
But I'm not agreeingwith that decision now.
(08:26):
Since the Lord has kept you, my master,
from bloodshed and from avenging yourselfwith your own hands,
as surely as the Lord livesand as you live, may your enemies
and all who intend to harmmy master be like Nabal.
And let this giftwhich your servant has brought in
to my masterbe given to the men who follow you.
(08:48):
Please forgive your servantsoffense, for the Lord will certainly make
a lasting dynasty for my master,because he fights the Lord's battle.
Let no wrongdoingbe found in you as long as you live,
even though someone is pursuing youto take your life,
the life of my master will be boundsecurely
(09:09):
in the bundle of the living by the Lordyour God, but the lives of your enemies,
he will hurl awayas from the pocket of a sling,
when the Lord has done for my masterevery good thing he promised
concerning him, and appointed himleader over Israel.
See, they knew thatDavid was going to be appointed King.
(09:32):
My master will not have on his consciencethe staggering, burden
of needless bloodshed,or of having avenged himself.
And when the Lord has broughtmy master's success, remember your servant
David said to Abigail,praise be to the Lord,
the God of Israel,who has sent you today to meet me.
(09:53):
May you be blessed for your good judgment.
She had good judgment.
She had better judgment that her husband,because her husband was a fool,
and he was goingto bring bloodshed on his household,
and he was going to bring bloodshedin under David's conscience
for keeping me from
bloodshed this day, and forfrom avenging myself with my own hands.
(10:16):
Otherwise, as surely as the Lord,
the God of Israel, lives,who has kept me from harming you.
If you had not come quickly to meet me,not one male belonging to Nabal
would have been left alive by daybreak.
So David is saying,you saved me from sinning,
from doing wrong, from needlesslyshedding the blood of these men.
(10:38):
Then David accepted from her handwhat she had brought him and said,
go home in peace.
I have heard your wordsand granted your request.
When Abigail went to Nabal,he was in the house holding a banquet
like that of a king.
He was in high spirits and very drunk,so he wasn't in any
place to make a decent decision.
(11:00):
So she told him nothing until daybreak.
Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober,she was wise.
She waited until he was sober.
She didn't go in and have a conversationwith a drunk, irrational fool.
She knew better than that.
His wife told him all these things.
Then she told him after she did it, after
(11:22):
she intervened to save the family
and his heart failed him,and he became like a stone.
He died about or he died ten days later.
About ten days later,the Lord struck Nabal and he died.
So he had a heart attack,and he died ten days Later,
when David heard that noble was dead,he said, praise be to the Lord,
(11:44):
who has upheld my cause,see it was God's justice.
God's time.
He has upheld my cause against Nabalfor treating me with contempt.
He has brought his.
He has kept his servant from doing wrong,and he has brought Nabal’s
wrongdoing down on his own head,
not on all of the males of his household.
(12:06):
Then David sent word to Abigailasking her to become his wife.
His servants went to Carmeland said to Abigail,
David has sent us to youto take you to become his wife.
She bowed down with her face to the groundand said, here is your maid servant
ready to serve youand wash the feet of my master's servants.
Abigail quicklygot on a donkey and, attended by her five
(12:29):
maids, went with David's messengerand became his wife.
Now we knowthat they had multiple wives back then.
I'm not agreeing with that.
It was a different time and culture.
But do you see the end of the story?
God did not interveneand strike Abigail dead
because she went against her husband.
(12:51):
Because she went behind his back
and did what was rightwhen he made a foolish decision.
God brought justice on Nabal's head,
and God blessed Abigail.
So it's kind of a different story
in the Bible about submissionthan what you normally hear.
Now, I'm not saying that you can doanything you want in a marriage.
(13:14):
It's a partnership.
You want to make sure that you are workingtogether.
You're not doing things behindeach other's backs.
You're not purposefully going against him.
But when there are timeswhen a person is making a foolish decision
and in order to protect yourselfand your household, in order
to protect the health of your child,in order to protect the mental health
(13:36):
of your child, you might have to goagainst what your husband says.
You might have to make a decision against
what your parents have told youthat you need to do.
You might find out and recognize that
the Lord is leading you to marry somebodythat maybe your parents don't agree with,
(13:58):
because your parents don't havethe same goals for you, or they are not
able to see what is right for you.
There are timeswhen we have to make decisions for ourself
that might go against what someone else
believes that we should do,or somebody else does.
(14:19):
Makes making that decisionthat is actually harmful
to us, to you
or and your children,or to those in your household.
So I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
I'd love to hearyou tell me what you think.
Even the guys, okay, just go ahead
and write me my website,write notes under the YouTube videos.
(14:41):
I read them all and answer them.
And, I just want to thank you for watchingthis video on Change My Relationship.
And I would love to tell youabout my 365 day
devotional for Christiansin difficult Relationships.
So if you want to know howto apply the word to your relationship,
(15:02):
and to know the truths that you can usefor all kinds of different situations,
all of these things that I tell youin videos, these tips
and toolsand truth are in those devotions.
So it's titled Change My Relationship 365
Daily Devotions for Christiansin Difficult Relationships.
(15:23):
Thank you for watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
(15:45):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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