April 10, 2025 • 7 mins
What is the difference between forcing a solution where you are trying to control someone's behavior and setting a boundary where you are drawing a limit for yourself? Watch this video to get the answer to that question. #difficultrelationship #boundaries #controlling
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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/iGUGfs-WAsw
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
A subscribersent me an important question.
She said, what is the difference between
setting a boundary and forcing change?
I thought, wow,I think I'll make a video on that.
So what is the difference?
We know from my videos that I don't wantyou to try to force a change.
(00:42):
Forcing a change doesn't workbecause you're trying to make somebody do
something.
You can't make other peopledo something that they don't want to do.
The longer that you spend obsessingand trying to make someone change,
the less time that you spendon changing the things you can,
which is yourself, your attitude,how you respond to it.
(01:03):
Eventually, by taking care of yourself,speaking your truth in love,
and then setting that boundary.
So because we don't like to answerthe difficult questions
and set boundaries which may require usto answer some hard questions
and make some really painful hard choices,
(01:23):
we insteadfocus on trying to get people to change.
Forcing a change means that we are tryingto make somebody do something.
We're nagging.
We're threatening.
We are explaining.
We are lecturing.
We are putting pressure or withholding.
We be.
Maybe we're being punitive.
(01:45):
We might just do all kinds of things.
We might even try to change ourselves andhope that the other person would change.
So all of those things are tryingto get the other person to change.
Now, it'sokay to let a person know what bothers you
and that you would like a change,because that's speaking the truth in love.
But trying to force that changemeans that you add pressure.
(02:09):
You add manipulation.
You add kind of obsessive focus.
And the other person can tell that you'redefinitely working
at trying to change them.
That's an unhealthy wayof forcing a change.
And we often get very obsessivein our life and obsessively
try to figure out how we can makethat person change.
(02:31):
When you set a boundary,you instead are focusing on yourself.
You're looking at the situation.
You're saying this is a situationI don't like.
This is not okay with me.
I've got to decide what I'm willing to do
and not willing to do about the situation.
That is not forcinganother person to change.
(02:52):
Even when you tell that person I'm willingto live with you if you stop drinking,
but I am not willing to live with youif you do not stop drinking.
You are basically letting that person know
that that's your limit. Okay?
What you're willing to do, underwhat circumstances?
You're not forcing a change.
(03:12):
You're actually giving the person notice
and you're allowing the personto make a decision.
Now that they know
what your parameters are.
The person has free will,the person can choose.
I can stop drinking or not stop drinking.
But I know if I don't stop drinking,
I'm not going to be ableto stay in relationship with this person.
(03:34):
But if I do,I will be able to stay in a relationship
that is giving the person noticeand allowing them to choose.
That is very differentthan trying to force them to change.
So when you are setting a boundary,
like I said, it's a little harder
(03:55):
than just kind of hopingthat someone will change.
You've got to really kind of digdeep and think, what am I willing to do?
What am I not willing to do?
And I'm am I willing to draw that line?
Am I willing to risklosing the relationship?
But am I willing to riskthat the person will make a choice
that I don't want them to make?
(04:16):
And then I'll have to follow throughwith what I said I would do or not do.
So don't do that until you're ready,
because you don't want to say itand not mean it.
So when you make your own choicesand when you allow people
to make their own choices,you're both empowered.
You know that you are responsiblefor the choices that you make, and,
(04:40):
you are more likely to follow through withwhatever it is that you're going to do.
So when somebody chooses on their own,
rather than feelingthat they're being kind of duped into it.
And I'm settinga boundary is is not forcing somebody.
It is giving the person a choice.
They own their choice.
So I'm going to ask you, how do you tryto force change in your life?
(05:02):
Instead, I want you to start thinking
about what you're willing to doand not willing to do.
And then I want you to share your boundarywith the person when you are ready.
Only when you are ready to actually followthrough with whatever it is
that you say that you're going to dobased on that person's choice.
Proverbs 15:27 says, the greedy
(05:24):
bring ruin to their households,but the one who hates bribes will live.
Having clear and firm boundarieskeeps you from doing things
that bring ruin to your lifeand relationships.
Matthew 18:15-17
says, if your brother or sister sins,
go and point out their faultsjust between the two of you.
(05:46):
If they listen to you,you have won them over.
But if they will not listen,take 1 or 2 others along
so that every matter may be establishedby the testimony of 2 or 3 witnesses.
If they still refuse to listen,tell it to the church.
And if they refuse to listeneven to the church, treat them
as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
(06:08):
So first, speak your truth and lovedirectly to the person,
giving them the opportunityto hear what it is that you have to say.
After that, you need to set your boundaryand you need to follow through.
Now, when we talk about bringing in otherpeople or bringing before the church,
a lot of our churches today,most of them don't have, an elder board or
(06:30):
are not set up to where you can bringpeople before the church.
So we're not necessarilytalking about that.
It could be talking to a family.
It could be talking to your children.If it's your spouse.
Use wisdom.
I'm not saying to expose everythingto to expose something
to just groups of people just randomly.
(06:52):
Now, this is very serious stuffif you are to do that.
But basically I'm saying
setting a boundaryallows that person to make a clear choice
once they know what you're willing to doand not willing to do.
So thank you for listening to this videoon Change My Relationship.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
(07:14):
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
(07:36):
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
A subscribersent me an important question.
She said, what is the difference between
setting a boundary and forcing change?
I thought, wow,I think I'll make a video on that.
So what is the difference?
We know from my videos that I don't wantyou to try to force a change.
(00:42):
Forcing a change doesn't workbecause you're trying to make somebody do
something.
You can't make other peopledo something that they don't want to do.
The longer that you spend obsessingand trying to make someone change,
the less time that you spendon changing the things you can,
which is yourself, your attitude,how you respond to it.
(01:03):
Eventually, by taking care of yourself,speaking your truth in love,
and then setting that boundary.
So because we don't like to answerthe difficult questions
and set boundaries which may require usto answer some hard questions
and make some really painful hard choices,
(01:23):
we insteadfocus on trying to get people to change.
Forcing a change means that we are tryingto make somebody do something.
We're nagging.
We're threatening.
We are explaining.
We are lecturing.
We are putting pressure or withholding.
We be.
Maybe we're being punitive.
(01:45):
We might just do all kinds of things.
We might even try to change ourselves andhope that the other person would change.
So all of those things are tryingto get the other person to change.
Now, it'sokay to let a person know what bothers you
and that you would like a change,because that's speaking the truth in love.
But trying to force that changemeans that you add pressure.
(02:09):
You add manipulation.
You add kind of obsessive focus.
And the other person can tell that you'redefinitely working
at trying to change them.
That's an unhealthy wayof forcing a change.
And we often get very obsessivein our life and obsessively
try to figure out how we can makethat person change.
(02:31):
When you set a boundary,you instead are focusing on yourself.
You're looking at the situation.
You're saying this is a situationI don't like.
This is not okay with me.
I've got to decide what I'm willing to do
and not willing to do about the situation.
That is not forcinganother person to change.
(02:52):
Even when you tell that person I'm willingto live with you if you stop drinking,
but I am not willing to live with youif you do not stop drinking.
You are basically letting that person know
that that's your limit. Okay?
What you're willing to do, underwhat circumstances?
You're not forcing a change.
(03:12):
You're actually giving the person notice
and you're allowing the personto make a decision.
Now that they know
what your parameters are.
The person has free will,the person can choose.
I can stop drinking or not stop drinking.
But I know if I don't stop drinking,
I'm not going to be ableto stay in relationship with this person.
(03:34):
But if I do,I will be able to stay in a relationship
that is giving the person noticeand allowing them to choose.
That is very differentthan trying to force them to change.
So when you are setting a boundary,
like I said, it's a little harder
(03:55):
than just kind of hopingthat someone will change.
You've got to really kind of digdeep and think, what am I willing to do?
What am I not willing to do?
And I'm am I willing to draw that line?
Am I willing to risklosing the relationship?
But am I willing to riskthat the person will make a choice
that I don't want them to make?
(04:16):
And then I'll have to follow throughwith what I said I would do or not do.
So don't do that until you're ready,
because you don't want to say itand not mean it.
So when you make your own choicesand when you allow people
to make their own choices,you're both empowered.
You know that you are responsiblefor the choices that you make, and,
(04:40):
you are more likely to follow through withwhatever it is that you're going to do.
So when somebody chooses on their own,
rather than feelingthat they're being kind of duped into it.
And I'm settinga boundary is is not forcing somebody.
It is giving the person a choice.
They own their choice.
So I'm going to ask you, how do you tryto force change in your life?
(05:02):
Instead, I want you to start thinking
about what you're willing to doand not willing to do.
And then I want you to share your boundarywith the person when you are ready.
Only when you are ready to actually followthrough with whatever it is
that you say that you're going to dobased on that person's choice.
Proverbs 15:27 says, the greedy
(05:24):
bring ruin to their households,but the one who hates bribes will live.
Having clear and firm boundarieskeeps you from doing things
that bring ruin to your lifeand relationships.
Matthew 18:15-17
says, if your brother or sister sins,
go and point out their faultsjust between the two of you.
(05:46):
If they listen to you,you have won them over.
But if they will not listen,take 1 or 2 others along
so that every matter may be establishedby the testimony of 2 or 3 witnesses.
If they still refuse to listen,tell it to the church.
And if they refuse to listeneven to the church, treat them
as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
(06:08):
So first, speak your truth and lovedirectly to the person,
giving them the opportunityto hear what it is that you have to say.
After that, you need to set your boundaryand you need to follow through.
Now, when we talk about bringing in otherpeople or bringing before the church,
a lot of our churches today,most of them don't have, an elder board or
(06:30):
are not set up to where you can bringpeople before the church.
So we're not necessarilytalking about that.
It could be talking to a family.
It could be talking to your children.If it's your spouse.
Use wisdom.
I'm not saying to expose everythingto to expose something
to just groups of people just randomly.
(06:52):
Now, this is very serious stuffif you are to do that.
But basically I'm saying
setting a boundaryallows that person to make a clear choice
once they know what you're willing to doand not willing to do.
So thank you for listening to this videoon Change My Relationship.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
(07:14):
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
(07:36):
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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