April 3, 2025 • 13 mins
It isn't easy to listen to someone saying things you disagree with. It is hard to hear someone is upset with you, and even harder to not receive it as an attack and defend yourself. It takes self-restraint to focus on what is being said when your emotions are out of control. Defensiveness and reactivity are primary reasons that conflict escalates and isn't resolved. There is an approach that can make it easier for you to listen, and that is to be curious about the other person. Watch this video to find out how to do that and why it works. #reactivity #becurious #listen
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
Be curious about the other person.
When you're curious, you open up
your mind to get a better understanding
and to learn things that you wouldn't knowwithout being curious.
So when somebody around you feels guilty,
angry, irritable, impatient, Disappointed.
(00:43):
Jealous.
Rejected. Needy.
Unhappy. Nervous.
Really irritable.
Anything. When.
When somebody around you is withdrawn,
you can react to what that person
is feeling or doing or not doing.
(01:03):
Even if it's something they're doing,they're kicking their foot
or they're your kid is
doodling instead of doing homework.
All kinds of things you can.
It has to do with feelings.
It has to do with actions or inaction.
Instead of making a quick judgment.
You want to be curious.
(01:25):
And this can be when a child is young
or somebody as old as you can be
and you can,and it could be any relationship,
it could be a coworker,it could be a family member,
it could be a child, it could be a spouse,it could be a parent, sibling, friend.
(01:47):
Doesn't matter.
Okay. You want to have a new practice
if you don't already do thisof being curious.
First thing you ask is what?
What is going on with you?
So you see a normally happy coworker
walk in and seem to be kind of heavyand sad
(02:07):
instead of like turning away
or avoiding or,being annoyed by that person
not responding to you in the same wayor thinking that it's your fault.
Something that you did that madethis person act that way.
You just want to say, hey,what's going on with you?
you don't seem normal or you're okay.
So that's a great question.
(02:28):
What is bothering you?
So if somebody is annoyed with youor irritable with you,
instead of getting irritable back,you can say what's bothering you.
Okay, what am I doing that's bothering youor what's bothering you?
What is happening with youemotionally, physically,
spiritually, mentally, relationally?
what's going on with you.
(02:50):
The next thing you want to ask is why?
Why do you feel this way?
Okay. Why is this bothering you?
Or why are you reacting this way?
And you're going to get hopefullythat person is going to have some insight
into themselves and willing to be honestbecause a person doesn't have insight.
You're not going to get the right answeror the correct answer.
(03:13):
And orif the person is afraid to be vulnerable,
you might not get the true answeror a answer.
But let's assume that the personis willing to tell you
and, you're going to find out.
Wow, I didn't realize thatthat was going on in your life,
or I didn't realizethat you had this problem, or I'm
(03:33):
sorry that I affected youthis way or that.
I said that to you.That's not what I meant.
The way that you're taking what I said.
So here are the benefitsof asking these and other questions,
because you can ask anything,
and you can take this as deep as you wantto go, as deep as the conversation needs
to go, as deep as you're comfortable, asdeep as the other person is comfortable.
(03:57):
First, they
help you to be compassionaterather than judgmental.
Instead of acting annoyed or thinkingthat person's a jerk or whatever
opinion you would have of thatwithout going deeper and finding out why
you will respond in a much better way,you're going to have compassion
(04:17):
instead of being critical,harsh, or judgmental.
Second one, they're going to help youfigure out whether the person's problem
or the way they're actinghas anything to do with you or not.
It doesn't.
If it does have to do with you,you can search yourself
and think, do I need to apologize?
Do I need to own this?
If you do, then that's going to help
(04:40):
heal the relationshipand take the breach away.
The third oneis that it helps you to wisely respond.
If you know what's goingon, you can take that
into considerationand respond appropriately.
If you find out that something tragichas happened in this person's life,
you are going to be very softin your response
(05:04):
and you are going to listenand you're going to show caring.
If you find out that this personis just being very harsh,
harsh and sarcastic
with you, and then you'rejust going to kind of gently back away
so that you don't make this escalateit and, and realize that either
this person has more going on than I thinkor this person is,
(05:28):
not willing to talk right nowor but I need to like that didn't work.
So you're going to respond appropriately
and not cause damage that you would causeif you responded inappropriately,
and then the next one is the last one.
The benefit is that it's going to help,you know what to do.
Do you need to just sit and listen?
(05:50):
Do you need to offer to help this person?
Do you need to, apologize?
What is it?
It will help you know what to do.
So the benefits, it's going to help yoube compassionate.
They're going to help you to, figure outif the problem has anything
to do with you.
They're going to help youto wisely know how to respond.
(06:12):
And the fourth is they're going to help,you know, if there's something that you
need to do.
So here is an example.
A long time ago,a family member lied to me.
Now, many timesI had responded to this lie.
By or not to this lie, but to.
(06:35):
By this person.
By losing it and getting really angry
and or by being duped and believing it.
So I was getting wiserand more emotionally intelligent
with my own emotions, and I instead I said
calmly,
(06:55):
I believe you're lying to me,and I would like to know why
you're lying.
Instead of telling me the truth now,this person could have lied again
and or denied that they were lying
and done all kinds of things, but.
(07:16):
It just so happened that
they did not.
This person instead said,
I felt so guilty
that I couldn't bear to tell you,
like I was consumed with my own guilt,
and it was so much that I couldn't handle
(07:38):
you getting mad at me too.
And that helped me understandthat even though what the person did,
I did not like and did not agree with,and there were some consequences.
At least I had insight into
the fact that this personwas already feeling bad
and already recognized that it was wrong,
(08:00):
and that was helpful in medeciding one how to handle it
and to what the consequence was,rather than just getting angry
and saying, I know the truth,you lied to me, and then just throwing out
just blindly any of the punishmentthat I could think of and getting angry.
(08:21):
It wouldn't have had the same outcomeand it would have caused a breach
in the relationship.
And I never would have gotten that answer.
I never would have gotten the insightthat this person
actually had self guilt.
And when,
the person did something wrong, thatperson actually did feel really guilty.
(08:43):
And that really helped me understandbetter and recognize that I was dealing
with somebodywho did have a sense of right and wrong
and I could feel that.
Then there's another I think of thiswith a younger child.
An eight yearold boy comes home from school, with a
(09:04):
for the parentwho got a call that the boy pushed
another boy at schooland had to go to the principal's office.
And if the parent just goes offon this kid, how dare you push someone
you know better than to do that.
You're supposed to get to your room.
You don't get any TV tonight.
I'll, I'll bring you your foodand you don't get dessert
and just really just go off on the kid,
(09:25):
or just start telling himhow wrong it is to push.
You'd never know why.
Why did he push another kid?
Why was he angry?
And you would find out that
the boy pushed him first.
He pushed him back, but the teacher didn'tsee the other boy push him,
(09:47):
and he denied it when he said he did. And
he was the only one that got in trouble.
And. But that was why he did it.
Now, that's a very different scenario
than he just goes offand pushes the kid for no reason.
So that is helpful for you to know
and would be helpful for youto take into consideration.
(10:09):
So this could be kind of anything
that would happen with somebody you
you want to know, like what's going on.
an example,with an even younger child, it's
like taking a markerand writing all over the wall.
It's like, why did you do that?
You might get some interesting answersor with an adult, it's like,
(10:31):
why were you so upsetwhen I, when I called you
and said what I said, when really,I didn't mean anything bad.
Why did you why did it feel so bad to you?
Why were you so upset when I said that?
Why did it bother you that much?
what about it bothered you?
So there are lots of
of things that you can find out.
(10:53):
It will bring you closer to the person.
It will help you make a better, wayof responding in the relationship.
And, it'll it'll make a huge difference.
So be curious aboutwhat is going on with the other person
instead of just automatically responding
without asking why of that person.
(11:14):
And at least if you can't ask why
in that situation,you might at least stop to think what?
What could it be?
But but really, try to ask the personand bring that honesty
and maybe it'll come back to you
if you start doing thatin your relationships.
So the scripture that I love,one of my favorite proverbs, Proverbs
(11:35):
20:5, the purpose is of a person'sheart are deep waters,
but one who has insight draws them out.
So in other words,the purposes are deep within somebody.
If you do it right,
you can literally draw those things out,which you would by those questions.
And the next one contrasted withthat is Proverbs 18:2
(11:58):
fools find no pleasure in understanding,
but delight in airing their own opinions.
A fool doesn't askwhat and doesn't ask why.
So thank you for watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
I hope you'll watch some more.
And please email meif you have any questions.
God bless.
(12:19):
Thank youfor listening to Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
(12:41):
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
Be curious about the other person.
When you're curious, you open up
your mind to get a better understanding
and to learn things that you wouldn't knowwithout being curious.
So when somebody around you feels guilty,
angry, irritable, impatient, Disappointed.
(00:43):
Jealous.
Rejected. Needy.
Unhappy. Nervous.
Really irritable.
Anything. When.
When somebody around you is withdrawn,
you can react to what that person
is feeling or doing or not doing.
(01:03):
Even if it's something they're doing,they're kicking their foot
or they're your kid is
doodling instead of doing homework.
All kinds of things you can.
It has to do with feelings.
It has to do with actions or inaction.
Instead of making a quick judgment.
You want to be curious.
(01:25):
And this can be when a child is young
or somebody as old as you can be
and you can,and it could be any relationship,
it could be a coworker,it could be a family member,
it could be a child, it could be a spouse,it could be a parent, sibling, friend.
(01:47):
Doesn't matter.
Okay. You want to have a new practice
if you don't already do thisof being curious.
First thing you ask is what?
What is going on with you?
So you see a normally happy coworker
walk in and seem to be kind of heavyand sad
(02:07):
instead of like turning away
or avoiding or,being annoyed by that person
not responding to you in the same wayor thinking that it's your fault.
Something that you did that madethis person act that way.
You just want to say, hey,what's going on with you?
you don't seem normal or you're okay.
So that's a great question.
(02:28):
What is bothering you?
So if somebody is annoyed with youor irritable with you,
instead of getting irritable back,you can say what's bothering you.
Okay, what am I doing that's bothering youor what's bothering you?
What is happening with youemotionally, physically,
spiritually, mentally, relationally?
what's going on with you.
(02:50):
The next thing you want to ask is why?
Why do you feel this way?
Okay. Why is this bothering you?
Or why are you reacting this way?
And you're going to get hopefullythat person is going to have some insight
into themselves and willing to be honestbecause a person doesn't have insight.
You're not going to get the right answeror the correct answer.
(03:13):
And orif the person is afraid to be vulnerable,
you might not get the true answeror a answer.
But let's assume that the personis willing to tell you
and, you're going to find out.
Wow, I didn't realize thatthat was going on in your life,
or I didn't realizethat you had this problem, or I'm
(03:33):
sorry that I affected youthis way or that.
I said that to you.That's not what I meant.
The way that you're taking what I said.
So here are the benefitsof asking these and other questions,
because you can ask anything,
and you can take this as deep as you wantto go, as deep as the conversation needs
to go, as deep as you're comfortable, asdeep as the other person is comfortable.
(03:57):
First, they
help you to be compassionaterather than judgmental.
Instead of acting annoyed or thinkingthat person's a jerk or whatever
opinion you would have of thatwithout going deeper and finding out why
you will respond in a much better way,you're going to have compassion
(04:17):
instead of being critical,harsh, or judgmental.
Second one, they're going to help youfigure out whether the person's problem
or the way they're actinghas anything to do with you or not.
It doesn't.
If it does have to do with you,you can search yourself
and think, do I need to apologize?
Do I need to own this?
If you do, then that's going to help
(04:40):
heal the relationshipand take the breach away.
The third oneis that it helps you to wisely respond.
If you know what's goingon, you can take that
into considerationand respond appropriately.
If you find out that something tragichas happened in this person's life,
you are going to be very softin your response
(05:04):
and you are going to listenand you're going to show caring.
If you find out that this personis just being very harsh,
harsh and sarcastic
with you, and then you'rejust going to kind of gently back away
so that you don't make this escalateit and, and realize that either
this person has more going on than I thinkor this person is,
(05:28):
not willing to talk right nowor but I need to like that didn't work.
So you're going to respond appropriately
and not cause damage that you would causeif you responded inappropriately,
and then the next one is the last one.
The benefit is that it's going to help,you know what to do.
Do you need to just sit and listen?
(05:50):
Do you need to offer to help this person?
Do you need to, apologize?
What is it?
It will help you know what to do.
So the benefits, it's going to help yoube compassionate.
They're going to help you to, figure outif the problem has anything
to do with you.
They're going to help youto wisely know how to respond.
(06:12):
And the fourth is they're going to help,you know, if there's something that you
need to do.
So here is an example.
A long time ago,a family member lied to me.
Now, many timesI had responded to this lie.
By or not to this lie, but to.
(06:35):
By this person.
By losing it and getting really angry
and or by being duped and believing it.
So I was getting wiserand more emotionally intelligent
with my own emotions, and I instead I said
calmly,
(06:55):
I believe you're lying to me,and I would like to know why
you're lying.
Instead of telling me the truth now,this person could have lied again
and or denied that they were lying
and done all kinds of things, but.
(07:16):
It just so happened that
they did not.
This person instead said,
I felt so guilty
that I couldn't bear to tell you,
like I was consumed with my own guilt,
and it was so much that I couldn't handle
(07:38):
you getting mad at me too.
And that helped me understandthat even though what the person did,
I did not like and did not agree with,and there were some consequences.
At least I had insight into
the fact that this personwas already feeling bad
and already recognized that it was wrong,
(08:00):
and that was helpful in medeciding one how to handle it
and to what the consequence was,rather than just getting angry
and saying, I know the truth,you lied to me, and then just throwing out
just blindly any of the punishmentthat I could think of and getting angry.
(08:21):
It wouldn't have had the same outcomeand it would have caused a breach
in the relationship.
And I never would have gotten that answer.
I never would have gotten the insightthat this person
actually had self guilt.
And when,
the person did something wrong, thatperson actually did feel really guilty.
(08:43):
And that really helped me understandbetter and recognize that I was dealing
with somebodywho did have a sense of right and wrong
and I could feel that.
Then there's another I think of thiswith a younger child.
An eight yearold boy comes home from school, with a
(09:04):
for the parentwho got a call that the boy pushed
another boy at schooland had to go to the principal's office.
And if the parent just goes offon this kid, how dare you push someone
you know better than to do that.
You're supposed to get to your room.
You don't get any TV tonight.
I'll, I'll bring you your foodand you don't get dessert
and just really just go off on the kid,
(09:25):
or just start telling himhow wrong it is to push.
You'd never know why.
Why did he push another kid?
Why was he angry?
And you would find out that
the boy pushed him first.
He pushed him back, but the teacher didn'tsee the other boy push him,
(09:47):
and he denied it when he said he did. And
he was the only one that got in trouble.
And. But that was why he did it.
Now, that's a very different scenario
than he just goes offand pushes the kid for no reason.
So that is helpful for you to know
and would be helpful for youto take into consideration.
(10:09):
So this could be kind of anything
that would happen with somebody you
you want to know, like what's going on.
an example,with an even younger child, it's
like taking a markerand writing all over the wall.
It's like, why did you do that?
You might get some interesting answersor with an adult, it's like,
(10:31):
why were you so upsetwhen I, when I called you
and said what I said, when really,I didn't mean anything bad.
Why did you why did it feel so bad to you?
Why were you so upset when I said that?
Why did it bother you that much?
what about it bothered you?
So there are lots of
of things that you can find out.
(10:53):
It will bring you closer to the person.
It will help you make a better, wayof responding in the relationship.
And, it'll it'll make a huge difference.
So be curious aboutwhat is going on with the other person
instead of just automatically responding
without asking why of that person.
(11:14):
And at least if you can't ask why
in that situation,you might at least stop to think what?
What could it be?
But but really, try to ask the personand bring that honesty
and maybe it'll come back to you
if you start doing thatin your relationships.
So the scripture that I love,one of my favorite proverbs, Proverbs
(11:35):
20:5, the purpose is of a person'sheart are deep waters,
but one who has insight draws them out.
So in other words,the purposes are deep within somebody.
If you do it right,
you can literally draw those things out,which you would by those questions.
And the next one contrasted withthat is Proverbs 18:2
(11:58):
fools find no pleasure in understanding,
but delight in airing their own opinions.
A fool doesn't askwhat and doesn't ask why.
So thank you for watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
I hope you'll watch some more.
And please email meif you have any questions.
God bless.
(12:19):
Thank youfor listening to Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
(12:41):
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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