Detaching from Enablers

Detaching from enablers is necessary when they are providing the means for people you care about to continue in their addiction and irresponsible behavior. It is hard enough to set your own boundaries with your loved one doing things you cannot support but when other people enable, you need to figure out how to respond to them too. Watch this video to help you to respond the right way. #addiction #detaching #irresponsible #enablers  

 

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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/VS4QcThlGgw

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:20):
I'm going to talk to youabout detaching from enablers.
What do I mean by that?
Well, by now,you know, from watching my videos
that you needed detachfrom people's emotions.
People's choices.
People's feelings.
People's opinions.
People's anger toward you.

(00:41):
People's blame.
Their accusations.
And you need to detachfrom what other people
basically are doingand feeling and choosing.
Now it gets a little stickywhen you have somebody in your life
that you seeis enabling another person in your life
that is making wrong choices.

(01:05):
How do you detach from that?
Because you can see thatthis person is doing what you know now.
You should not do.
You should not enable somebodywho is making wrong choices.
You don't give them money to a drug addict
or an alcoholic, that they can gobuy their drugs and their alcohol.
You don't pay their bills that they're notpaying because of their drug use.

(01:27):
You don't make excuses for a child whorefuses to get out of bed to go to school.
Why? You don't lie to their bosswhen they call,
when the boss callsand say that they're home sick.
When they're not.
So you know that by now.

(01:48):
I hope I, But what do you do when somebodyis actually enabling someone else?
Well, I had this circumstance for a while.
At different times, actually.
My mother is a dear, sweet,
kind, loving, hardworking woman.
She loves the Lord.
She tolerated my dad's drinking.

(02:10):
She lived through her kids problems.
Her grandkids problems.
She is now 95.
She took care of my father with dementiauntil she was 94.
He died just a little over a year ago.
And she was, absolutely,refused to let him go.

(02:30):
She cooked meals from scratchmy whole life.
And she still cooks meals from scratch.
She's amazing.
I can't think of anything negativeabout her
except one she enables.
She has enabled at different times.
A child of mine,she has enabled grandkids.

(02:53):
And she has enabled my siblings.
And at times, she enabled my father,even in his old age, by jumping
whenever he would tell her to do somethingor would get upset.
So I can see it.
I don't like it, especiallywhen it affected a child of mine

(03:13):
that I was trying to set boundaries with,and my mom would undo them
by letting the kid live thereand giving the kid money
when I didn't want the kid to have money,and not enforcing the boundaries
that I thoughtthat the adult kid needed to have.
And other examples with family membersand people.

(03:35):
And oh, let me tell you, I'mgoing to be really honest here.
There were times that I got really mad
at my sweet, wonderful, elderly mom.
There were times that I tried so hardto convince her and I would
finally, like, just get exasperated.

(03:56):
There were timesI tried to make her feel guilty.
I would say to her, what happensif this kid dies and you've done this?
Like, how are you going to feel?
I would justI was just like, you know, how we are
very like
just intent and intenseabout trying to talk

(04:17):
the person that is doing somethingwrong out of it.
Well, it's the same thingwhen you're dealing with an enabler.
When you can see that you can lose itand lose control
and lose your emotional serenity and reactin ways that you feel really bad about.
I would feel very guilty about thatwhen I would walk away and think,
oh my gosh, I just got mad at my elderlymom, my sweet elderly mom.

(04:44):
So I don't anymore.
I haven't for a while because I accept
the fact that she is doingand did the best that she could.
She was based on her life experiences
and her circumstance, circumstances.

(05:08):
She is uncomfortable.
So anxious.
Saying no, saying to no no to someone isjust something she's not used to.
She sacrificed her whole lifefor other people, for our family.
She just can't.
And she's not going to change.

(05:28):
So I have to accept that.
And I have to do what's right for me
with the person that she's enabling.
And I also have to dowhat's right for her.
When we see someone we love enablingsomeone we love,
we have to react the same waytowards the person

(05:48):
that is enabling as we do towardthe person they're enabling.
Because they're both
doing the best they can
You can't change them both.
I'm going to take that back there.
They are doing the best they can, butthat doesn't mean what they're doing is
okay, especially the personthat's making the really bad choices.
But they are doingwhat they're capable of.

(06:13):
And we
I and you are powerless overforcing them to change.
We can't cannot make that person change.
We can speak our truth in love.
We can set our own boundaries.
But as far as reacting

(06:34):
out of the anxiety and the intensity
of trying to force that person to change,we have to detach.
We have to detach from the enablerand the person
that they're enabling and recognizewe can't control that person.
We can only control ourselves,and we have to step back
and put some distance,whether it's just emotionally,

(06:58):
sometimes physically,it's definitely mentally.
And we have to accept thatwe're powerless.
We cannot change that personand we are not responsible
for changing that person,and we're not responsible for the outcome
of that person's actionsor the person that they're enabling.

(07:20):
So I hope that this gives youan opportunity
to kind of be clearabout anyone in your life.
Maybe it's your child enabling a grandkid.
Maybe it's your mom enabling your dador your dad
enabling your mom, or a parentenabling one of your siblings. I

(07:41):
had timeswhen that has been the case, too.
You're powerless.
You got to detach.
Detach means you separate yourselfemotionally, mentally, physically.
Sometimes financially,
spiritually, relationally.
Whatever you have to do to getthat kind of step back and take a
a more objective view of the situation,

(08:04):
rather than reactingemotionally and detach from that
enablerand the person that they're enabling.
So Galatians 6:1 says,brothers and sisters,
if someone is caught in a sin,you who live by the spirit
should restore that person gently, gently,

(08:25):
not harshly, not yelling at them.
As I confess to,
but gently restore that person gently.
And that doesn't meanyou can force them to be restored.
It just means that you can speak truth.
But watch yourselfor you may also be tempted.
So you're doing something wrong.

(08:46):
To try to get that person to dosomething right is not okay.
Colossians 4:6 says, let your conversationbe always full of grace,
seasoned with salt, so that you may know
how to treat how to answer everyone.
So we're going to speak our truth in love
with grace, with gentleness

(09:09):
and it is going to be seasoned with salt,
answering that person in a waythat is still respectful.
So I hope that this helps youto think about
how to detach from enablers.
So please check out my classes.
One of my ten principles that I teachfor people in dysfunctional relationships

(09:31):
is detaching with love, detachingwith love as I tell people in my classes,
will set you freeand it is something that you can learn.
God bless.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.

(09:53):
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts

(10:14):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.