May 8, 2025 • 21 mins
If you have addicts and alcoholics in your life, you need to learn how to detach. If you don't, you may find yourself trying to force them to get sober and losing yourself in the process. Without the ability to separate yourself from their addiction and alcoholism, you can become obsessed with fixing them. You may find yourself feeling afraid and angry and wondering why you are not capable of convincing the person you care about to make better choices. If this sounds like you, watch this video to learn how to detach from the addicts and alcoholics in your life. #detachment #detaching #dysfunctionalrelationship #addictionstruggles
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
want to talk to youabout how to apply detachment
in your relationshipwith a drug addict or an alcoholic.
So the first thing that you dois that you remember
that this personis dealing with a disease.
Now, some people don't like the idea of itbeing called a disease,
(00:41):
because it sounds like there's nothingthat this person
can do about it.
And they're like, well,
some Christians will say,well, alcoholism or addiction is a sin.
And the person has a choice.
Therefore it's not a disease.
But the founders of AlcoholicsAnonymous called alcoholism
(01:01):
a diseasebecause they said it is progressive.
It can kill you and it will affectyour body, your soul and your spirit.
You can die from diseasesand you can die from addiction.
It is a choice.
They said to pick up the first drink.
(01:24):
But once the alcoholicpicks up the first drink,
then the compulsionand the obsession take over
and they are powerlesswithout the help of God.
So I accept that alcoholics
and addicts are strugglingwith what AA, the Big Book
(01:48):
referred to as a cunning,
powerful and baffling disease.
And for that you can have compassion
and be grateful that it is not you
that struggles with addiction.
The next one is that detachmentmeans that you treat
(02:10):
the addictalcoholic with love and dignity.
Now how do you what does that mean?
That meansthat as much as you would want to be
angry and upset,
that is does not help.
You can speak your truth in love.
(02:31):
You can be honest about your fear,your worry, your anger.
You can set boundaries.You can do all of that.
But you want to treat that personwith love and dignity.
I remember onereading that I read, in the Al-Anon
One Day at a time,
which talked about you
(02:55):
look at the alcoholic,you're upset about what they're doing,
but if you are on their backconstantly telling them
how badly they're doingand how horrible they are,
what makes you think that that personwill have any motivation
to want to get betterand believe that they can be better?
(03:16):
And I am reminded of that,that it does not.
You cannot
get a person to want to change
by telling themthat they're absolutely worthless.
They'll just continue to spiral downeven more.
So you want to show that personthat you love them
and also treat them with dignity.
(03:40):
They may have lost all their dignity,but you can still treat them with dignity.
Doesn't mean you need to enable.
It doesn't mean that you
can't need to make excuses,
but you don't need to treat that personwith contempt.
You can treat that person respectfully
(04:01):
and lovingly.
I know one of,
the ladies that took a class for mesaid she used to be angry
every time her husband would come homehungover, and the next morning
she would just be like,just ticked off and not nice to him.
And sometimes not talk to him.
(04:22):
But after she understooddetaching with love,
she said that instead of feelinglike she had to be mad
at him to provethat there were consequences,
and instead of lecturing himand treating him
with contempt and anger,
she said she decidedto treat him with love.
(04:43):
So the next morning,when he would be hung over, she would say,
I betyou don't feel too good after last night.
And he would say, yeah, I don't feel good.
And she'd say, can I make you coffee?
Can I make you breakfast?
And do you know what that worked?
He actually got sober.
(05:03):
Things changed because not
not just because she did that,but that was that.
What did that do?
Instead of himbeing mad at her in the morning
because she was treating himmeanly, he didn't have her to be mad at.
He only had himself to be mad at,
and that produced a change.
(05:24):
The next one is detachmentmeans that you let
the alcoholic addict facethe consequences of their own choices.
So this means if this person is
driving under the influence and gets DUI,
guess who has to figure outhow to get around
when they don'thave their license anymore?
Guess who needs to pay the court fees?
(05:46):
Guess who needs to spend the time in jail
without you going to pick them upquickly and bailing them out
so that they know thatthey really have done something wrong.
Guess who needs to deal with the attorneyand the court?
Not you.
The person who did the drunk driving.
(06:06):
The person who made that choiceto get behind the wheel intoxicated.
So you what?
Well, regardless of what it is,whether it's the boss calling the person
does not come to a family gathering.
You don't make an excuse.
Oh, I was just tired or.
Oh, he's just, got work to do.
You just sayyou don't have to tell the truth.
(06:28):
You don't have to say, oh, it'sbecause he drank too much.
But you can't. It depends.
what the circumstances areand if that will backfire on you
and that you'll get blamed.
Or you could just say, ask him.
He's not. Yep. He's not here.
Ask him or ask her.
Ask her why she's not here.
I have no comment.
(06:49):
And. But not making an excuseand not covering up.
So you let them face the consequenceswith people
with their bills, by their drinkingand or using drugs.
And they're not paying their rent.
They're not paying their utilities.
Let the lights go off.
Let let the gas go off.
(07:10):
Let them get a late
notice or, potential eviction notice.
That's a little tougherif your grandkids are involved.
So you would want to protect your grandkidand do what you need to do
without enabling your,
adult child or their parent.
Okay.
The next one is detachmentmeans you live your own life
(07:31):
and you let the alcoholic addictlive their own life.
So you get a life basically, you recognize
I am not going to live in fear
and live in, constant worry
about this person, in constantfocus on trying to fix them
and rescue themand take care of them and prop them up.
(07:53):
Nope.
You just realize,hey, I, I can I can be happy,
even though
the addict alcoholic is still usingor drinking.
That's actually part of the preambleto Al-Anon.
I can be happy whether the alcoholicis still drinking or not.
You learn to get happyYou learn to live your own life.
(08:15):
You don't put your life on hold,waiting for somebody else to get sober.
You don't put your life on hold.
Waiting for somebody else to change.
You move forward. You live.
You live happy. You live full.
You live fully.
You live
and do what you want to do,what you need to do.
You take care of yourself.You have a good time.
(08:37):
You go out, you see friends,you go to the family party, you have fun.
At the family party, you gowhen the alcoholic addict
changes plans and doesn'tgo, you go anyway.
You live your life.
That other person,that person has the choice
(08:57):
has a choice.
And the choice that they're makingis drinking or taking drugs.
That's their choice.
You make a choice for you.
You can live.
Next one is detachmentmeans you don't take on the blame, anger,
threats, manipulation, guilt, and dramathat the alcoholic addict throws at you.
(09:18):
Well, that is a lot.So what does that mean?
You don't take on the blame.
It's not your fault.
Nope. Not your fault.
It's their choice.
They don't do it because of you.
So if they say if you were onlya better mom or a better spouse.
Oh, no, no, no, do not even go there.
Don't take that on.
(09:38):
Remember when you get this thrown at you?
Blame, anger,threats, manipulation, guilt, drama.
It's like you put up a shield andit's like not going to let that hit me.
I must separate myself from that.
This is not mine.
So you do not have to engage in arguments.
You don't have to take threats seriouslyunless you know
(09:59):
that it is seriousand you need to protect yourself.
You don't have to give in to manipulation.
You don't have to feel guiltyjust because somebody tells you
that you should be guilty, or triesto manipulate you into feeling guilty.
You can simply ask yourself,have I done anything wrong?
If I have not, I will not feel guilt.
(10:20):
If I have, I will take responsibility.
But I will not take on any responsibilityor guilt that is not mine.
Your threats.
Like I said, you ask yourself,is this a real threat?
If it is, do what you need to doto protect yourself.
If it's not. Detach from it. Anger.
You didn't do what the
(10:40):
person is saying that you're doing,or this person is just angry.
Because really, a lot of timesaddicts are angry with themselves,
but they can't face that, sothey put their anger out on other people.
You don't need to take it on.
You don't need to defend yourself.You don't need to argue.
You don't need to discuss anything
(11:00):
with an intoxicated or irrational person.
You can detach from thatand refuse to engage.
So you don't have to take on the dramaeither.
If they're upset, if their
things are falling apart around them,if they're just miserable.
Just don't enter it.
(11:21):
Just step back. Refuse to engage.
No one can fight with you.
If you refuse to participate,they only can fight
when you fight back and you respond.
So step out of the drama. Don'ttry to fix.
Don't try to pressure.Don't try to change.
Don't try to explain.
Don't do all of that.
(11:41):
Don't jump in there and
fix things and fix things and do all that.
Now does that mean you can't be concerned?
Of course you are.
You love that person.
You're going to set boundaries.
You're going to do what you need to do.You're going to speak the truth in love.
You're going to enjoybeing with them when you can.
And you could still have a relationship,
(12:02):
but you've got to not takeon the responsibility that is not yours.
And you cannot let this addiction destroy
your own life, no matter how closethe person is with you.
Now, here are some very specific things.
Do you buy the person alcohol?
It depends if that bothers you.
(12:24):
If you do, I'm talking about it.
If it's a kid, a kidor a young kid or something,
then no, don't do that.
But like your spouse says,pick me up a bottle of wine at the store.
Do you pick it up or do you not?
It's up to you.
If it bothers you, don't.
If it doesn't bother youand you know it's going to happen anyway,
(12:47):
and they're going to go outand buy it at a liquor store
and it's going to be more expensiveand your budget is tight.
Maybe you want to,maybe you don't want to.
Depends.
You get to youget to make that decision for yourself.
And it can be
can change.
It could be one day it's going toI don't I'm not I'm not doing that today
(13:08):
or I'm not going to buy alcohol for youto take to the family Christmas party
or you can I could make a decisioneach and every time.
Depending on the circumstances.
So do you pay the alcoholic addicts bills?
Usually not, unless, for instance,there's a reason
(13:29):
when my friends and I have had, adult
children that have had problems.
We have at different times,decided to maintain
a health insurancepolicy for our children.
I called it an insurance policy for me,
because I did not want to be presented
(13:51):
with a situationin which a child was injured
or ill,and I would have to make the decision
to pay all the medical bills from a childwho had no medical insurance.
So I felt like,okay, I'd rather pay the monthly
premium that that child is not ableor willing to pay for themselves,
(14:11):
and to know that I can get medical care
through insurance should the time come.
So that's up to you.
Your circumstance might be different, andyou might be like, nope, not doing that.
And that's perfectly fine.
Do you pay their rent?
Do you pay the car paymentthat they've forgotten?
(14:31):
Hopefully not.
Most of the time there are exceptions.
I when you're dealing with a childthat has mental illness
mixed with the addiction,of course, it's always what comes first.
Mental illness increase possibilitythat you're going to have an addiction.
(14:51):
When you have
an addiction, there's increased chanceyou're going to have mental illness.
So they do go hand in hand.
Chicken or the egg, which came first?
You look at the circumstancesthat your child has and you look
at your tolerance and your circumstances,and you make a decision
based on your situation, your child,
(15:17):
your adult, your loved one, your friend.
There is, one thing that I would say,
and that is never give an addict cashbecause you're likely to have
that cashbe used for their drug of choice.
So if you are going to pay something, payit directly,
(15:38):
rather than to the addict who can use it
for their addiction.
Do you take the keys away from
somebody that youknow is going to drive drunk?
Well, it depends.
(15:58):
Some people say I cannot participateno matter what in it.
But you can’t always take the keys.
It may be a literal,like physical confrontation
to take keys away from somebody.
And you could literallybe putting yourself in danger, that
that person could get violent with you or,
(16:21):
you know, push you on to the ground.
You don't have to do somethingthat is emotionally,
physically, mentally,spiritually harmful to yourself.
Now, do you call the police
and let them know that somebody is drivingunder the influence with that?
(16:43):
Kind of caused the callthat creating a crisis,
which if there's a situationin which the alcoholic addict
can blame you for the fallout,
for the fact that something happened, thenthey're not going to blame themselves.
They're going to blame you for callingor you
(17:04):
for making the decision to cause them.
That caused them to bear the consequence,and they're not as likely
to hit bottom and blame themselves.
Some people say, well, I can't allow thatperson to drive ever under the influence.
And if you can do itand take the keys away, I've done it
(17:25):
and there's other timesthat I haven't done it.
There are definitely I would speak thetruth and say, you should not be driving.
This is not safe. Please give me the keys.
But to actually wrestle them away
from somebodyonly in an extreme situation.
(17:46):
But you can hide the keys
if you are in that situation, and you can
do whatever else you can do,
to protect people and,of course, your loved one.
But you've got to weigh it.
I remember reading in AA or not meanan Al-Anon, examples
or listening to peoplegive their, their stories
(18:10):
and they would say that, if the alcoholic
came home and
fell asleep on the floor,
that instead of trying to wake them up,that you just put a blanket over them
and let them wake up in the morningon the floor, but
lovingly put a blanket over them.
If they throw up,you don't have to clean it up.
(18:31):
They can wake up in the morningto the throw up
and have to clean it up themselves.
That's a consequence, now you would thinkof maybe a little differently about that.
If the children were going to get up inthe morning and see that and be upset by
seeing broken glass or something
where you were protectingyour children, but
(18:54):
you have you have choices.
So anyway, I hope that this was helpful.
I hope that this gives you some ideasof how to apply detachment
specifically to an addict or an alcoholic,if you are dealing with that.
I cannot stress strongly enoughthat Al-Anon is an
and Nar-AnonNarcotics Anonymous for the families.
(19:18):
Al-Anon is for the families of alcoholics
and that these are programs
that are absolutely lifesavers.
And there's Al-Ateen for childrenin some places,
and they are so, so, so very helpful.
I learned so much in those programs.
(19:38):
In addition,I have to tell you that my books
and my classes I teach you ten principlesto transform your relationships,
whether it's a marriage or a child
or a parent or a friend or sibling.
Thoseten principles are literally principles
(19:59):
that a lot of which I learned in Al-Anon
and put them to Scripture and
I can tell youthat they are also incredibly helpful.
So I would highly recommendthat if you're dealing with an addict
or an alcoholic,please get help for yourself,
even if you don't think thatthat person will change.
(20:20):
You need you are.
We become sick when we are dealingwith somebody who is sick.
I told you that
addicts have a disease
and we also have a disease,and that is in dealing with the alcoholic
and trying to change the alcoholicand getting angry at the addict.
(20:41):
We need help to please reach out somewhere
and get help and God bless you.
Thank you for watching.Please check out my videos.
All of them deal with codependency andhow to react to a dysfunctional person.
Everything can be appliedto dealing with an alcoholic or an addict.
(21:01):
Thank you. God bless.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
(21:22):
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
want to talk to youabout how to apply detachment
in your relationshipwith a drug addict or an alcoholic.
So the first thing that you dois that you remember
that this personis dealing with a disease.
Now, some people don't like the idea of itbeing called a disease,
(00:41):
because it sounds like there's nothingthat this person
can do about it.
And they're like, well,
some Christians will say,well, alcoholism or addiction is a sin.
And the person has a choice.
Therefore it's not a disease.
But the founders of AlcoholicsAnonymous called alcoholism
(01:01):
a diseasebecause they said it is progressive.
It can kill you and it will affectyour body, your soul and your spirit.
You can die from diseasesand you can die from addiction.
It is a choice.
They said to pick up the first drink.
(01:24):
But once the alcoholicpicks up the first drink,
then the compulsionand the obsession take over
and they are powerlesswithout the help of God.
So I accept that alcoholics
and addicts are strugglingwith what AA, the Big Book
(01:48):
referred to as a cunning,
powerful and baffling disease.
And for that you can have compassion
and be grateful that it is not you
that struggles with addiction.
The next one is that detachmentmeans that you treat
(02:10):
the addictalcoholic with love and dignity.
Now how do you what does that mean?
That meansthat as much as you would want to be
angry and upset,
that is does not help.
You can speak your truth in love.
(02:31):
You can be honest about your fear,your worry, your anger.
You can set boundaries.You can do all of that.
But you want to treat that personwith love and dignity.
I remember onereading that I read, in the Al-Anon
One Day at a time,
which talked about you
(02:55):
look at the alcoholic,you're upset about what they're doing,
but if you are on their backconstantly telling them
how badly they're doingand how horrible they are,
what makes you think that that personwill have any motivation
to want to get betterand believe that they can be better?
(03:16):
And I am reminded of that,that it does not.
You cannot
get a person to want to change
by telling themthat they're absolutely worthless.
They'll just continue to spiral downeven more.
So you want to show that personthat you love them
and also treat them with dignity.
(03:40):
They may have lost all their dignity,but you can still treat them with dignity.
Doesn't mean you need to enable.
It doesn't mean that you
can't need to make excuses,
but you don't need to treat that personwith contempt.
You can treat that person respectfully
(04:01):
and lovingly.
I know one of,
the ladies that took a class for mesaid she used to be angry
every time her husband would come homehungover, and the next morning
she would just be like,just ticked off and not nice to him.
And sometimes not talk to him.
(04:22):
But after she understooddetaching with love,
she said that instead of feelinglike she had to be mad
at him to provethat there were consequences,
and instead of lecturing himand treating him
with contempt and anger,
she said she decidedto treat him with love.
(04:43):
So the next morning,when he would be hung over, she would say,
I betyou don't feel too good after last night.
And he would say, yeah, I don't feel good.
And she'd say, can I make you coffee?
Can I make you breakfast?
And do you know what that worked?
He actually got sober.
(05:03):
Things changed because not
not just because she did that,but that was that.
What did that do?
Instead of himbeing mad at her in the morning
because she was treating himmeanly, he didn't have her to be mad at.
He only had himself to be mad at,
and that produced a change.
(05:24):
The next one is detachmentmeans that you let
the alcoholic addict facethe consequences of their own choices.
So this means if this person is
driving under the influence and gets DUI,
guess who has to figure outhow to get around
when they don'thave their license anymore?
Guess who needs to pay the court fees?
(05:46):
Guess who needs to spend the time in jail
without you going to pick them upquickly and bailing them out
so that they know thatthey really have done something wrong.
Guess who needs to deal with the attorneyand the court?
Not you.
The person who did the drunk driving.
(06:06):
The person who made that choiceto get behind the wheel intoxicated.
So you what?
Well, regardless of what it is,whether it's the boss calling the person
does not come to a family gathering.
You don't make an excuse.
Oh, I was just tired or.
Oh, he's just, got work to do.
You just sayyou don't have to tell the truth.
(06:28):
You don't have to say, oh, it'sbecause he drank too much.
But you can't. It depends.
what the circumstances areand if that will backfire on you
and that you'll get blamed.
Or you could just say, ask him.
He's not. Yep. He's not here.
Ask him or ask her.
Ask her why she's not here.
I have no comment.
(06:49):
And. But not making an excuseand not covering up.
So you let them face the consequenceswith people
with their bills, by their drinkingand or using drugs.
And they're not paying their rent.
They're not paying their utilities.
Let the lights go off.
Let let the gas go off.
(07:10):
Let them get a late
notice or, potential eviction notice.
That's a little tougherif your grandkids are involved.
So you would want to protect your grandkidand do what you need to do
without enabling your,
adult child or their parent.
Okay.
The next one is detachmentmeans you live your own life
(07:31):
and you let the alcoholic addictlive their own life.
So you get a life basically, you recognize
I am not going to live in fear
and live in, constant worry
about this person, in constantfocus on trying to fix them
and rescue themand take care of them and prop them up.
(07:53):
Nope.
You just realize,hey, I, I can I can be happy,
even though
the addict alcoholic is still usingor drinking.
That's actually part of the preambleto Al-Anon.
I can be happy whether the alcoholicis still drinking or not.
You learn to get happyYou learn to live your own life.
(08:15):
You don't put your life on hold,waiting for somebody else to get sober.
You don't put your life on hold.
Waiting for somebody else to change.
You move forward. You live.
You live happy. You live full.
You live fully.
You live
and do what you want to do,what you need to do.
You take care of yourself.You have a good time.
(08:37):
You go out, you see friends,you go to the family party, you have fun.
At the family party, you gowhen the alcoholic addict
changes plans and doesn'tgo, you go anyway.
You live your life.
That other person,that person has the choice
(08:57):
has a choice.
And the choice that they're makingis drinking or taking drugs.
That's their choice.
You make a choice for you.
You can live.
Next one is detachmentmeans you don't take on the blame, anger,
threats, manipulation, guilt, and dramathat the alcoholic addict throws at you.
(09:18):
Well, that is a lot.So what does that mean?
You don't take on the blame.
It's not your fault.
Nope. Not your fault.
It's their choice.
They don't do it because of you.
So if they say if you were onlya better mom or a better spouse.
Oh, no, no, no, do not even go there.
Don't take that on.
(09:38):
Remember when you get this thrown at you?
Blame, anger,threats, manipulation, guilt, drama.
It's like you put up a shield andit's like not going to let that hit me.
I must separate myself from that.
This is not mine.
So you do not have to engage in arguments.
You don't have to take threats seriouslyunless you know
(09:59):
that it is seriousand you need to protect yourself.
You don't have to give in to manipulation.
You don't have to feel guiltyjust because somebody tells you
that you should be guilty, or triesto manipulate you into feeling guilty.
You can simply ask yourself,have I done anything wrong?
If I have not, I will not feel guilt.
(10:20):
If I have, I will take responsibility.
But I will not take on any responsibilityor guilt that is not mine.
Your threats.
Like I said, you ask yourself,is this a real threat?
If it is, do what you need to doto protect yourself.
If it's not. Detach from it. Anger.
You didn't do what the
(10:40):
person is saying that you're doing,or this person is just angry.
Because really, a lot of timesaddicts are angry with themselves,
but they can't face that, sothey put their anger out on other people.
You don't need to take it on.
You don't need to defend yourself.You don't need to argue.
You don't need to discuss anything
(11:00):
with an intoxicated or irrational person.
You can detach from thatand refuse to engage.
So you don't have to take on the dramaeither.
If they're upset, if their
things are falling apart around them,if they're just miserable.
Just don't enter it.
(11:21):
Just step back. Refuse to engage.
No one can fight with you.
If you refuse to participate,they only can fight
when you fight back and you respond.
So step out of the drama. Don'ttry to fix.
Don't try to pressure.Don't try to change.
Don't try to explain.
Don't do all of that.
(11:41):
Don't jump in there and
fix things and fix things and do all that.
Now does that mean you can't be concerned?
Of course you are.
You love that person.
You're going to set boundaries.
You're going to do what you need to do.You're going to speak the truth in love.
You're going to enjoybeing with them when you can.
And you could still have a relationship,
(12:02):
but you've got to not takeon the responsibility that is not yours.
And you cannot let this addiction destroy
your own life, no matter how closethe person is with you.
Now, here are some very specific things.
Do you buy the person alcohol?
It depends if that bothers you.
(12:24):
If you do, I'm talking about it.
If it's a kid, a kidor a young kid or something,
then no, don't do that.
But like your spouse says,pick me up a bottle of wine at the store.
Do you pick it up or do you not?
It's up to you.
If it bothers you, don't.
If it doesn't bother youand you know it's going to happen anyway,
(12:47):
and they're going to go outand buy it at a liquor store
and it's going to be more expensiveand your budget is tight.
Maybe you want to,maybe you don't want to.
Depends.
You get to youget to make that decision for yourself.
And it can be
can change.
It could be one day it's going toI don't I'm not I'm not doing that today
(13:08):
or I'm not going to buy alcohol for youto take to the family Christmas party
or you can I could make a decisioneach and every time.
Depending on the circumstances.
So do you pay the alcoholic addicts bills?
Usually not, unless, for instance,there's a reason
(13:29):
when my friends and I have had, adult
children that have had problems.
We have at different times,decided to maintain
a health insurancepolicy for our children.
I called it an insurance policy for me,
because I did not want to be presented
(13:51):
with a situationin which a child was injured
or ill,and I would have to make the decision
to pay all the medical bills from a childwho had no medical insurance.
So I felt like,okay, I'd rather pay the monthly
premium that that child is not ableor willing to pay for themselves,
(14:11):
and to know that I can get medical care
through insurance should the time come.
So that's up to you.
Your circumstance might be different, andyou might be like, nope, not doing that.
And that's perfectly fine.
Do you pay their rent?
Do you pay the car paymentthat they've forgotten?
(14:31):
Hopefully not.
Most of the time there are exceptions.
I when you're dealing with a childthat has mental illness
mixed with the addiction,of course, it's always what comes first.
Mental illness increase possibilitythat you're going to have an addiction.
(14:51):
When you have
an addiction, there's increased chanceyou're going to have mental illness.
So they do go hand in hand.
Chicken or the egg, which came first?
You look at the circumstancesthat your child has and you look
at your tolerance and your circumstances,and you make a decision
based on your situation, your child,
(15:17):
your adult, your loved one, your friend.
There is, one thing that I would say,
and that is never give an addict cashbecause you're likely to have
that cashbe used for their drug of choice.
So if you are going to pay something, payit directly,
(15:38):
rather than to the addict who can use it
for their addiction.
Do you take the keys away from
somebody that youknow is going to drive drunk?
Well, it depends.
(15:58):
Some people say I cannot participateno matter what in it.
But you can’t always take the keys.
It may be a literal,like physical confrontation
to take keys away from somebody.
And you could literallybe putting yourself in danger, that
that person could get violent with you or,
(16:21):
you know, push you on to the ground.
You don't have to do somethingthat is emotionally,
physically, mentally,spiritually harmful to yourself.
Now, do you call the police
and let them know that somebody is drivingunder the influence with that?
(16:43):
Kind of caused the callthat creating a crisis,
which if there's a situationin which the alcoholic addict
can blame you for the fallout,
for the fact that something happened, thenthey're not going to blame themselves.
They're going to blame you for callingor you
(17:04):
for making the decision to cause them.
That caused them to bear the consequence,and they're not as likely
to hit bottom and blame themselves.
Some people say, well, I can't allow thatperson to drive ever under the influence.
And if you can do itand take the keys away, I've done it
(17:25):
and there's other timesthat I haven't done it.
There are definitely I would speak thetruth and say, you should not be driving.
This is not safe. Please give me the keys.
But to actually wrestle them away
from somebodyonly in an extreme situation.
(17:46):
But you can hide the keys
if you are in that situation, and you can
do whatever else you can do,
to protect people and,of course, your loved one.
But you've got to weigh it.
I remember reading in AA or not meanan Al-Anon, examples
or listening to peoplegive their, their stories
(18:10):
and they would say that, if the alcoholic
came home and
fell asleep on the floor,
that instead of trying to wake them up,that you just put a blanket over them
and let them wake up in the morningon the floor, but
lovingly put a blanket over them.
If they throw up,you don't have to clean it up.
(18:31):
They can wake up in the morningto the throw up
and have to clean it up themselves.
That's a consequence, now you would thinkof maybe a little differently about that.
If the children were going to get up inthe morning and see that and be upset by
seeing broken glass or something
where you were protectingyour children, but
(18:54):
you have you have choices.
So anyway, I hope that this was helpful.
I hope that this gives you some ideasof how to apply detachment
specifically to an addict or an alcoholic,if you are dealing with that.
I cannot stress strongly enoughthat Al-Anon is an
and Nar-AnonNarcotics Anonymous for the families.
(19:18):
Al-Anon is for the families of alcoholics
and that these are programs
that are absolutely lifesavers.
And there's Al-Ateen for childrenin some places,
and they are so, so, so very helpful.
I learned so much in those programs.
(19:38):
In addition,I have to tell you that my books
and my classes I teach you ten principlesto transform your relationships,
whether it's a marriage or a child
or a parent or a friend or sibling.
Thoseten principles are literally principles
(19:59):
that a lot of which I learned in Al-Anon
and put them to Scripture and
I can tell youthat they are also incredibly helpful.
So I would highly recommendthat if you're dealing with an addict
or an alcoholic,please get help for yourself,
even if you don't think thatthat person will change.
(20:20):
You need you are.
We become sick when we are dealingwith somebody who is sick.
I told you that
addicts have a disease
and we also have a disease,and that is in dealing with the alcoholic
and trying to change the alcoholicand getting angry at the addict.
(20:41):
We need help to please reach out somewhere
and get help and God bless you.
Thank you for watching.Please check out my videos.
All of them deal with codependency andhow to react to a dysfunctional person.
Everything can be appliedto dealing with an alcoholic or an addict.
(21:01):
Thank you. God bless.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
(21:22):
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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