How to Detach When You Fear Abandonment

If you fear abandonment, you probably don't know how to detach. Detaching is about separating yourself from other people's opinions, emotions, reactions, choices, blame, threats, and more. That's hard to do when you need to be attached to people to feel okay. The problem is that you will be even more dependent on what they do, feel, and think, so you desperately need to be able to separate yourself. Watch this video to learn how you can detach even though you struggle with the fear of abandonment. #fearofabandonment #detaching #detachment #dysfunctionalrelationship 

 

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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/5AmptkxWFyU

 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:21):
How do you detach
when you struggle with abandonment?
I can tell you thatI know what it feels like
to struggle from a fear of abandonment.
I was raised in a very dysfunctional home.
My father was an alcoholic.
There was physical violencein that home, and a lot of verbal abuse.

(00:45):
A lot of yelling, a lot of fighting.
And I was the oldest,and I took on the role
of having to protect my mom from my dad.
And having to help herand take care of her.
And later, my younger siblings.
So I found myself in my marriage

(01:09):
when I got married,when I was 20, extremely reactive.
And I didn't knowwhere it would come from.
Like I was super dependent on my husband.
He was 27,he had a job, but I was very insecure
around his friends, around his dad.
They were very close.

(01:29):
That made it really hard for meto, deal with that.
They were overly close, but I was alsovery threatened by him being close.
So I very easily felt abandoned.
I could feel abandonedwhen normal things happen.
When my husband went out of town for work.

(01:51):
I would literally flip out and find myself
threatening to get a divorce,which I didn't want.
But just fine. Leave.
Like what?
That was at the very,
very beginning of our marriage,and that was like, I would think what I.
This is nuts.
Like, this doesn't make any sense, butI literally felt like I was going to die.

(02:11):
Like,I just felt like, oh, my gosh, I can't
I can't take itif he like if he's not here.
I was just so dependent on him.
And, that abandonment happenswhen you feel abandoned as a child,
eitherphysically or emotionally and physically.
I mean, my parents providedfood and a house

(02:33):
and, they did a lot of really good thingsfor us.
But emotionally, no, nobody was thereto take care of my emotions.
And I was kind of on my own with that.
I was taking care of adults emotions.
So definitely struggledwith that fear of abandonment.
So when it comes to detaching,which is a very normal thing

(02:55):
that healthy people do, healthypeople know where they start and end.
They're not enmeshed.
Enmeshment comes from a dysfunctionalfamily where you are not developing.
You don't have that that separation,that, that
individuation,where you know, okay, this is who I am.
This is what I think.This is what I believe.
This is what I feel as I can beseparate from other people,

(03:19):
no matter how close I am to them,because they have a right to feel
and think and be who they are.
But I don't have to change myselfto get their approval.
I don't have to, do something that
I don't believe inin order to keep them happy with me.
I know for myselfit was very difficult for me to detach

(03:40):
from my husband's angerbecause I feared abandonment.
So I felt super uncomfortablewhen he was angry
or upset with me about somethingbecause I would think I have to fix it.
I have to change it.I had to talk him out of it.
I have to argue with ituntil argue with him, until he retracts it

(04:02):
and he says, oh, you're right,
I don't have a reason to be mador I'm not mad at you anymore.
Like I'm over it because I was just
so uncomfortable with him being upset.
So as I got healthierand as I was able to detach and know what

(04:23):
my own feelings of my own thoughtswere and my own
choices and my own beliefs,
and allowed
him to be separateand have his own beliefs.
And I was not dependent on him
like I was beforeI worked through the codependency.

(04:44):
Took a while that I did, and, I was able
to look at the fear, actually,with the fear of abandonment.
And I made another video about this.
I actually worked throughthe really intense fear of abandonment
pretty quickly after we got marriedby going to a therapist,
and he told me,this is a fear of abandonment.

(05:06):
This is your childhood stuff.
This is not related towhat is happening right now.
Obviously when your husband goes to work,he's not abandoning you.
He's paying the bills.This is a good thing.
So I worked through that, and
I got through that by reminding myself,okay, this is what I feel.
This.
This is not about now.This is about before.

(05:27):
This is not about what's going onright now.
And so I was able to talk myselfthrough that.
It took a while, but get to wherethat extreme abandonment was not there.
But I can tell you thatI have a little bit of it left.
Like when we get in an argumentor things aren't good,
I feel that little bit of that fearand that feeling of a little bit

(05:51):
of a little tiny bit of that panic, butI can manage it and I can say it's okay,
we'll figure it out.
Like I comfortable with what I said,
or if I'm not comfortable,I'll take responsibility for it.
I'll let him work through it,let him figure it out.
And I'm not.

(06:12):
I'm able to detach.
I'm able to separate myselfand not be reacting
out of that fear of abandonmentto where I am anxiously
trying to fix it, anxiouslytrying to reconnect
anxiously trying to make him okay
with me, anxiouslytrying to get his approval

(06:35):
because I'm able to stand in my own self,
my own beliefs, my own thoughts,my own choices, my own feelings,
and I'm able to detacheven though I'm very close to him.
Or it's the same thing.
Whether it would be, one of my,
children who maybe would be upsetabout something or disagree?

(06:55):
I would before, years and yearsand years ago, try to talk them out of it
and try to convince them of what my sidewas so they wouldn't be upset with me.
And now I can let them own their ownfeelings.
It doesn't happen very often,but I can just step back and say, hey,
we're different people. It's okay.
We can each have a different opinion.
Or if we, were to be upsetwith each other about something,

(07:20):
which, again, doesn't happen often, but,we can work through it
and we're each entitledto come from our position,
our own position and, take a standin that, whether that be disagreeing
about something, with religion or
something in the family or politicsor anything

(07:40):
like just where it's okay,we don't have to agree.
We don't have to be enmeshed.
We don't have to be overinvolved.
We don't have to be the same.
And so that's how you workthrough detaching.
When you do strugglewith a fear of abandonment
is youseparate out the fear of abandonment.

(08:01):
Meaning where did that come from?
My childhood and my previous marriage
person that cheated on you before
and now you're reacting in the present,overreacting in the present.
Because when you were datingthat person cheated on you
and you've worked through that,but you're still having that reaction.

(08:21):
Okay?
So you separate out the fearof abandonment part that has nothing
to do with what's going on right now.
And then you're ableto work on healthy separation
to where you can become your own person.
Let go of that other person's opinions
and feelings,and allow that person to work

(08:43):
through them on their ownwhile you work through yours.
And that's how you detach.
When you have a fear of abandonment,
or you have had a fear of abandonment.
But remind yourself if
the person is not truly abandoning you,
then the fear of abandonmentis related to old stuff.

(09:07):
Old stuff is, old stuff,
and it makes you overreact to the present.
And it is something
that can actually have a verynegative effect on your relationship.
If you are overreacting to thingsfrequently,
when you don't need to be.

(09:29):
I love this scripture in Proverbs.
This fits exactly Psalm 112:7
they will have no fear of bad news.
Their hearts are steadfast,trusting in the Lord.
So you're not reacting fearfully, thinkingthere's going to be something bad.
Somebody is going to leave me.Somebody is going to abandon me.
You're you're you're calm.

(09:51):
You’re steadfast you can trust.
So I hope this helped you.
Thank you for watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
And please check out my classesbecause they’re so very helpful,
especially if you're in
a dysfunctional relationship or you'vebeen raised in a dysfunctional family,
you will find so much healing.
If you are codependent and you'vegot to work through that codependency.

(10:14):
My classes on the tenprinciples, for life saving principles,
or I call them relationship changingprinciples, transforming principles.
Those will
absolutely help you to work throughyour codependency and become healthy
in responding to dysfunctional people

(10:36):
or to become healthy
from a childhood that wasn't healthy.
So I hope to see you in those.
Please check them out if you haveany questions, please email me.
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.

(10:58):
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts

(11:22):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.